#live laugh fuck bpd

[graveyarrdshift]

the relationship between me and cutting my hair after the slightest inconvenience should be studied

[filthygob]

feeling like fleabag, but not in a quirky funny way. more so in I'm an awful human being that keeps fucking up and is terrified of everyone leaving me kind of way. fleabag in a way that i keep begging for everyone to stay while pushing them away and blaming everyone and everything for all that has happened.

[take-it-to-my-gravee]

Why is it that its such a fucking issue if i sleep…. Why is it it pisses you off and apparently thats all i do and i dont interact with you…????? And yet you play video games ALL day. Not interacting with me either… make it make sense. I become bored or i wake up early as hell while you sleep. And so when you dont interact of course im going to sleep there is NOTHING else for me to do and im tired as hell… would you rather me be out and about doing god knows what or… sleep because im bored… i need to be STIMULATED… and when im not i cope with sleep but thats apparently not okay. So my fucking bad wont happen again…

[futuremrscameron]

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱༻¨*:·bestie!kook·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱༻¨*:·

content warnings: toxic codependency, mutual obsession, discussions of antiblackness in predominantly white spaces, mentions of drugs/drug abuse, symptoms of bpd, discussion of colorism, sexual tension, misogyny, blood, violence, implied underage drinking, maternal issues, fear of abandonment, parental issues, classism, hinted/implied sexual content

bestie!kook is not spoiled, not bitchy, but a secret third thing (knows what the fuck she wants and doesn’t let anyone call her bitchy greedy or selfish). she’s an only child, of course she turned out this way.

bestie!kook lives in a mansion-like beach house and met kelce at the house party her parents threw to get to know their neighbors (flex on them). she and kelce both had the same idea of hiding out on the roof. they watched the stars, talked about school starting soon, and the struggles of being black in figure eight.

she hates her parents for moving her here.

okay hate might be a strong word but she’s not thrilled. she adjusts her halter green short chiffon dress as she sits down on the roof. she may be mad at her parents but she would never hear the end of it if she flashed the party guests. she removes her sparkly green heels and looks up at the stars. she knows there’s no real answer in the stars but looking at them has always helped her. she closes her eyes, ready to wish upon a star when she hears him.

“you mind if i chill with you?”

a dark skinned black boy she saw earlier at the party. kelce. he’s wearing a rose gold three piece suit with brown shoes. great taste in fashion? his parents definitely made him wear it.

“did my parents send you?”

“no.”

“did your parents send you?”

“no.” he chuckles

“huh.” interesting. “fine.”

he looks amused. she hates him already. “don’t jump for joy too much, i don’t know how sturdy your roof is.”

he chuckles, “that’s dark.”

“maybe.” he takes off his blazer and carefully places it on the space next to her. he sits down, arms holding his knees, looking up at the stars.

she breaks the silence when it becomes unbearable. “why are you here?”

he glanced at her and shards before turning his attention back to the stars. “party’s lame, not really my scene.”

“what’s your scene?”

he smiles, “you’ll find out soon.”

“you’re just assuming we’ll roll with the same crowd?”

he scoffs as if telling her not to play dumb. “please.”

she nods, understanding what he’s hinting at. “that bleak huh?”

he shrugs, “i’m not gonna lie and tell you i was the only black kid in school but… it’s no new york.”

“so ten times worse.”

he chuckles dryly, “exactly. before i came up here i was called “surprisingly well spoken”.”

she’s not surprised but it’s not what she wants to hear . especially not after getting her life uprooted by her parents the summer before her thirteenth birthday and moved them to the middle of nowhere.

“can’t say i’m surprised. i mean, not even an hour into the party some lady tried to touch my hair and some boy said “my skin looked good in green” fucking bitch.”

“oh we’re trading horror stories? in third grade my math teacher kept getting me confused with the other black boy in class.”

“let me guess he was light skinned.”

“light skinned. light as the fucking sun.”

they both laugh, not at the situation itself but the predictable action. when the laughter dies down he clears his throat.

“you know i have these two friends i think you’d like them.”

“only two? shocker.”

he sighs, “you ever hear the phrase ‘you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.’?”

she raises an eyebrow, “is that what you tell yourself to get you through these parties? go along to get along?”

“basically.”

“there’s no way you actually believe that.”

“and what if i do? is that so awful?”

she looks at him, really looks at him for the first time that night. “i guess not.”

they sit in silence again.

“why?”

he looks at her. “why what?”

“why reach out to me? you could’ve just left me up here alone, let me be an outcast. why didn’t you?”

he stands up and picks up his blazer. he looks down at her and smiles. “i know you wanna look like this lone wolf cool girl but… i see you..”

his words send chills down her spine. she writes that off as the cool night air.

“fuck off.”

he chuckles. “see you monday.”

he later invited her to a party the saturday before school and the rest is history.

bestie!kook is kook princess before sarah. the most popular girl in school and in outer banks, an amazing feat for someone who wasn’t born and raised in obx. she was known for her jaw dropping beauty, affluent family, and strange friendship with the kook boys. rafe, kelce, topper, and her were very popular and not just cause they were the richest. the parties they threw are still talked about to this day

bestie!kook who everyone assumes is sweet because of her bright colored outfits when in actuality she’s blunt, cold, stand-off ish, and at times, a genuine menace. she once planted coke on a girl and got her expelled for distribution all cause she didn’t like the way she looked at rafe at a party

four years after moving to obx and she can’t imagine being anywhere else.

“i guess i’m just trying to understand why and how she could do something like this. she was top of the class!” tiffany pushes a honey blonde french curl braid off her shoulder and behind her back. she brushes down her uniform's skirt and fiddles with her loose tie.

tiffany was bestie!kook’s first black girl friend in outer banks. she moved there a year after her which tiffany thinks was fate. they met in pre-algebra, tiffany helped bestie!kook solve a problem that was kicking her ass. they got to talking and have been best friends ever since. she was genuinely kind and despite popular belief, really fucking smart. academically not socially.

“please, this is totally on brand for girls like her, they think they’re too smart to get caught. did you hear her talking about ‘academic immunity’ when they arrested her? that’s not a thing!”

gianna, was the only obx native in the trio. though she transferred from kildare county high school to kildare private academy in the middle of the semester last year. she was tiffany's complete opposite in every way, she wore the complete uniform with no alterations, was more of a loner than a social butterfly, and rocked bold makeup rather than tiffany's go-to subdued look.

she and bestie!kook got along immediately despite being so similar and horribly blunt. bestie!kook loved her no bullshit attitude and disregard for standard kook faux niceties. she also loved that they were close in skin tone. she adored tiffany but there were some things the light skinned girl just couldn’t understand.

bestie!kook stifles a laugh at her friend’s remark and thanks the heavens that her face is buried in the locker so they can’t see her grin. they’re talking about the scandalous affair that they witnessed less than an hour ago but she’s too hungover to care.

she opens her locker and lifts her sunglasses to cheek herself in her locker’s newly bedazzled mirror.

“but still, ashley? ashley who calls weed marijuana expelled for selling coke!? personal feelings aside you can’t tell me that’s not totally sketch.” tiffany’s cheeks are flushed from her raising her voice and screaming about her conspiracy theory. she fans her face, trying to calm herself down. her usual light skin has some more melanin to it after spending her summer outside tanning.

“yes i can. it’s not insane, she acted like she was better than everyone, people like that always have some shit to hide.” gianna frowns at tiffany’s sympathy for the girl.

“but she was always nice to me.” tiffany frowns at the newfound information.

“gee i wonder why.” the dark skinned girl unwraps a piece of bubblegum and pops it in her mouth. “that bitch had it coming. you remember when she wrote that “anonymous” column about how certain students need to ‘speak properly and appropriately at school’. should’ve beat her ass then, pick-me ass bitch.”

“we don’t know that that was her.”

“she’s already been through so much.”

“please did you see the way she looked at rafe? she totally wanted him.”

tiffany frowns, not at the slight directed at her but the new information. “really? i never noticed.”

bestie!kook loved her but she was never great at paying attention to details and believed people always honest about their intentions. she also had certain blind spots like anti-blackness that wasn’t blatantly obvious.

“of course you didn’t.”

“hey!” tiffany's face is red with anger and embarrassment.

bestie!kook slams her locker shut, drawing both girls attention to her. she sighs and punches the bridge of her nose. “it’s too early for this shit.”

the girls apologize at the same time. bestie!kook frowns, “i don’t want you girls fighting over someone so… insignificant.”

they both look like they want to argue their points to her further but are (thankfully) interrupted by none other than rafe cameron.

rafe throws his arm around bestie!kook reader and gives the other girls a semi-friendly smile. “hey ladies.”

“hey rafe!”

“cameron.”

bestie!kook pouts, “what, no greeting for me?”

rafe turns his attention to her. he still towers over her despite her heeled shoes.

he shrugs, “well you ditched me this morning and we saw each other in home room." his tone is nonchalant but she knows him, his real feelings always show in his eyes. his stare is cold, if looks could kill she'd burn under his gaze.

she scoffs, “okay 'ditched' is crazy, i drove myself to school one time and home room was hours ago i want a new greeting.”

“hmm.”

his cold response irks her. she glances at her girls and they get the message.

gianna clears her throat. “we should probably get going tiff.”

tiffany frowns, “what but this is our free period?”

“which is why we made plans remember?”

“we did?”

she grabs tiffany's hand and drags her away. “yes.”

“ooh can we go to chick-fil-a!?”

“sure babe.”

rafe turns his attention back to bestie!kook, "what were you guys talking about?"

she closes her locker and takes off her sunglasses. “nothing.”

he removes his arm from around her shoulder and blocks her view of the hallway. “it was ashley wasn't it.”

of course he knew. "if you knew why the fuck would you ask?"

"well fuck me for giving you the benefit of the doubt."

"benefit of the doubt for what!?"

"to tell me the truth!" they've gained the attention of some students and admin by now. she blushes and grabs his hand, "come on." she drags him away and doesn't stop til they reach the janitor's closet.

"i know this is about last night. you know you can tell me anything right?" his strikingly blue eyes shine with worry.

she nods. “okay.”

she tells him everything. that morning she threw on her sunglasses after donning her uniform with a plan in mind. she hadn’t even carpooled with rafe like they usually do just so she could get there early and set her plan in motion. she had ashley write her a fake doctor’s note for her sunglasses and hugged her to show her appreciation. the girl was caught off guard and that’s when she planted the coke on her.

rafe is stunned into silence. he looks down at her, “you did that for me?” his voice is uncharacteristically soft.

she looks up at him through her eyelashes. “i’d do anything for you.”

bestie!kook might be a nepo baby but she works for her money. she has her own business doing hair and opened up outer banks's first beauty supply store at 19. her grandma thought her when she was young cause she hated having to wait on her to book (mostly home) appointments, with her busy schedule.

bestie!kook and kelce are like siblings in the way they argue. a lot of the figure eight residents also think they’re related but that’s something else entirely. he was her first friend in obx after all and is one if the few black kids in figure eight.

bestie!kook cleans up her diy hair station in her living room as kelce follows her around.

“if you’re gonna be here you might as well help.” she shoves a large container of hair into his hands. he looks down at it and back up at her, she’s already moved onto another location.

he catches up to her easily. she curses his long legs internally. “what about the friend discount?”

“doesn’t apply to you after you broke my fucking vanity.”

he pouts. “how long are you gonna hold that against me?”

“forever. don’t ask me stupid questions.”

“okay if not for me then do it for my sister.”

“that’s not fair.”

“she really wants to look good for her eight grade formal and i know it’s last minute so i’ll pay extra.”

he gives her his best puppy dog eyes. she looks disgusted.

she rolls her eyes and sighs, “fine. but only ‘cause i love your sister.”

“yes!” he gives her his best boyish smiles, “and i know you love me too.”

“please. you’re lucky i don’t gut you with this comb.”

“jesus.”

bestie!kook who puts up a wall to stop people from getting too close because she believes when you let people in that’s when you get hurt. rafe changes that for her

bestie!kook and rafe being so close is a surprise to everyone in town until they get to know her. they’re the same but different. he trusts her more than anyone else, it’s why he tells her everything from his mom leaving when he was young to killing peterkins

bestie!kook whose fashion can be described in five words; bright colors and mini skirts

bestie!kook who is always the best dressed at midsummer and always goes with rafe

year 1

year 2

year 3

year 4

year 5

year 6

year 7

bestie!kook goes to the main land a lot cause the local shops just don’t have what she wants and brings rafe along nine times out of ten

rafe and bestie!kook planned their shopping day to the mainland weeks in advance. it was the perfect date. emphasis on 'was'. topper joined last minute because he was in a bad mood after sarah made him look stupid. again.

bestie!kook runs around the shop like a kid in a candy store picking up dresses, tops, shorts, and skirts and putting them in her cart.

"rafe!" she runs over to rafe and shows him her newest find. "isn't this the cutest?"

rafe smirks, "you gonna model it for me."

she bites her lower lip, "maybe if you’re good"

he chuckles as she skips away. he looks to his left and spots his friend frowning. "what?"

topper jumps slightly like a kid who's been caught taking extra halloween candy. "nothing."

his passivity has always irritated rafe, "just spit it out. i don't want you sulking for the rest of the day."

topper takes a deep breath, preparing himself to speak and for rafe's reaction. “i’m just saying man no disrespect to you or her but i wouldn’t let my girl leave the house wearing shit like that.”

“damn this is hard. listen to the man who got cheated on and punked in front of a crowd and called me crying about it and begging for my help at 3 a.m. or keep doing what i'm doing." rafe pretends to be deep in thought, tapping his chin and furrowing his brows. “i think i’m good.”

topper frowns, "you said you wouldn't bring that up again."

bestie!kook and rafe’s relationship is the topic of many discussions, people don’t know if they’re just friends, dating, or friends with benefits. the main questioners are the camerons and topper the topic usually comes up at breakfast which ward mandates a family event.

bestie!kook whose boyfriend best friend rafe has scary dog privileges. he’ll fight anyone, girls included he doesn’t give a fuck.

bestie!kook loves getting high with rafe cause they balance each other out. she gets all deep in thought and philosophical and he gets pathetic and horny.

bestie!kook, smoking leisurely: you know… while i was away, when i felt down… i would climb up to my roof and look to the stars. it was comforting knowing you were under the same stars. 400 miles away with the same constellations, isn't that crazy?

rafe, on his third line, pupils so dilated he looks like an excited kitten: can yuo put that out on me?

bestie!kook loves partying with rafe, whether it’s a party thrown by one of them, their friends, or a boneyard party they’re there one never far from the other

rafe doesn’t dance. it’s not that he can’t he’s just not into it. at parties he’s either selling, drinking, or doing coke. unless he’s with bestie!kook. she's sitting on his lap while he counts money. he's doing a line off her tits and he's placing an ecstasy pill on her tongue. she’s dragging him to the dance floor. slow dancing leads to grinding which leads to one of them dragging the other to a private area and coming back 30 minutes later with ruffled clothes and hair.

bestie!kook who uses rafe’s need for approval and complex maternal issues to combat being on the receiving end of his misogyny make sure she comes out unscathed compared to the other women in his life

rafe comes to her after melting the cross. it's almost midnight when she answers the aggressive knocking and sees a bloody rafe.

“oh my god.” he pushes past her into the house muttering something to himself. she closes the door and follows after him, “rafe.” he continues pacing and muttering like he doesn’t hear her. “rafe!”

“it’s all my fault. everyone’s gonna know. they’re gonna- just gotta- gotta fix it i can’t fix it.”

“rafe!” he snaps out of his daze and finally meets her eyes. there’s blood around his mouth and bruises on his hand.

“what happened?”

“um..” he sniffs and wipes at his nose. “i tried to fix it.” his voice cracks, barely hiding the sadness in his voice. “i tried i did but i- i just made it worse.”

she holds her arms out. he melts into her arms and shrinks himself down to fit in her hold. “i’m sorry.”

she caresses his head. “hey it’s okay. it’s okay.”

bestie!kook is 99% positive rafe does not like women. he’s definitely attracted to them but she doesn’t think he views them as people. over the years she’s noticed that rafe puts women into two categories; caretakers and objects of desire

bestie!kook doesn’t strictly fall into either category so it breaks his brain a little bit trying to figure out how he should treat her which leads to many of their fights

they're at a party a when he pulls her off the dance floor and away from her dancing partner and takes her to an empty room.

"what the fuck rafe!?" she screams as she watches his lock the door.

he stalks towards her, “so what you’re just throwing yourself at any guy who’s nice to you?”

“fuck you rafe! you’re just mad he had the guts to admit what you’ve been thinking all these years.”

he scoffs, “is that what you think? huh?” he chuckles and moves closer, every time he takes a step forward she takes a step back. “yeah i bet you’d like that wouldn’t you? you know i thought you were a nice girl but you’re just like every other slut in this party.”

“i’m not talking to you. not when you’re being like this.”

“like what?”

“an asshole! i don’t like talking to you when you’re being an asshole, rafe. okay?”

he chuckles coldly, “what you think you’re better than me?”

his movements are twitchy, scratching his ear one second and rubbing his head the next and his pupils are dilated.

she frowns, he's really high right now. "look i don't have time for this back and forth bullshit okay?"

he frowns, "it's not bullshit okay and and i just i don’t get you. you lose your shit when i talk to a girl but here you are doing worse. do you know how it makes me look? my best friend dry humping some guy on the dance floor?”

“of course it’s about you. it’s always back to being about you. you’re so fucking selfish!”

“hey!” he grabs her face, squeezes her cheeks with his hand. “you think you’re better than me is that it?”

she scratches at his hand and pushes at his chest but when he’s high he’s like a whole different being. “let go.”

“i’m just trying to figure out what your end goal is.”

“stop it rafe!” she pushes him away, tears in her eyes and fire the first time she looks genuinely afraid of him. that sobers him up real quick.

“i’m sorry.” he reaches out to her but she slaps his hand away.

“fuck you rafe.” she storms past him, leaving him stewing in self hatred and regret.

bestie!kook who lets him in when he apologizes the next day like clockwork saying the usual right things

“i’m sorry. i was high and-”

“you said some really hurtful things rafe.”

“i know.”

she can’t stay mad at him, not when he gets on his knees and begs for her forgiveness. begs her not to leave him.

bestie!kook who is an icon to many of obx’s young women. she doesn’t take shit from anyone. especially not men.

“hey jj, she said she doesn’t want the drink fuck off.”

“well if it isn’t the future mrs cameron. shouldn’t you be busy buying his coke or something?”

“so funny! hey stop me if you’ve heard this one, white trash pogue joins father in jail after forcing sketchy beverage on sarah cameron, daughter of prominent figure of the community?”

“fuck you.”

“byyeeee.” she smiles and wiggles her fingers while waving. she turns back to sarah, “sorry about that.”

sarah looks at her in awe, “thanks, sorry you had to do that.”

“please, we girls gotta look out for each other. plus you could put in a good word for me with your brother.”

“my god.”

bestie!kook whose relationship with the camerons is all over the place. rafe is her favorite but sarah is her biggest supporter (after rafe of course). she often lends an ear to her when she fights with rafe though she’s not the most helpful and her bias shows.

it’s 1 a.m. on a saturday when bestie!kook sees topper’s instagram story and spotted rafe in the background with his tongue down some girl’s throat. she sits on her bed crying while gianna and sarah comfort her.

“i told you he wasn’t shit.”

sarah nods, “gianna’s right, you deserve better”

gianna sobs harder, “why didn’t i call tiffany?”

“because you wanted the truth not to be coddled.”

bestie!kook continues crying as sarah rubs her shoulder.

“hey he’s a dick.”

“he’s your brother sarah.”

“which is why i know it better than anyone.”

bestie!kook who treats wheezie like the little sister she’s always wanted. rafe says she spoils her but she doesn’t care she finds the girl absolutely adorable.

she takes wheezie out for a girls day filled with ice cream, shopping, and fireworks watching. all good things can’t last long though which is why rafe calls her while she’s out with wheezie. she answers the phone cheerfully, “hi rafe.”

“i miss you.” she can almost hear his pout over the phone.

“i miss you too. but i promised wheezie i’d take her out for ice cream.”

“you spoil her. it’s why she acts like that..”

she rolls her eyes. “look i gotta go, my favorite cameron’s calling me.”

“haha. wait do you really mean that? hello!?”

“bye rafe.”

bestie!kook and ward’s relationship is a bit strained, he likes her but he worries about her impact on his son’s fragile state and her hold over him. he’s like a wise father figure with a sketchy past and present.

bestie!kook who is actually sweet to rafe. everyone notices the way she is seeing others vs the way she acts around him. goes from ambivalent god to schoolgirl in love

he comes to her often crying about ward’s mistreatment and distrust. when ward kicks him out he goes to her.

“you shouldn’t be just tell me to fuck off. i’m more trouble then it’s worth.”

she frowns, “don’t say that that’s not true.”

he sniffles and shakes his head. she doesn’t know how to help him, she hates seeing him in pain like this. she slowly and gently reaches out to him and grabs his hand. she feels him tense and gives his hand a soft squeeze,. “you’ll always have me. i’m on your side.”

that’s exactly what he needed to hear.

bestie!kook and rose don’t get along much. rose is very passive aggressive and bestie!kook is very blunt. unstoppable force immovable object.

bestie!kook notices rafe’s coke use is becoming more frequent ever since he came back from the bahamas. she wants to help rafe get better but there’s only so much she can do. people (ward and rose) often forget she’s just a kid, she loves rafe but love isn’t enough to save him.

“mrs. cameron-”

“please no need for formalities you’re practically family. call me rose.”

“okay rose. i’m not gonna beat around the bush cause i respect you. i think rafe should go to rehab.”

“what?”

“it’s on the mainland and i know it seems sudden and all but i’ve noticed him getting worse and i’m scared that- that if we don’t act now. before we know it- it’ll be too late and i- i don’t wanna lose him.”

her voice catches in her throat as she thinks of rafe’s declining mental state and growing drug use. rose hugs her and softly rubs her back.

“hey hey it’s okay it’s okay. you really love him.”

she sniffles and nods. rose nods, “then don’t mention this to him. forget about it.”

“excuse me?”

“he’s going through a lot right now.”

“yeah no shit that’s why he needs this.”

“why now? hm? why the sudden change in heart?” when she doesn’t get an answer she scoffs, “you spend all this time going to parties, coming here at good knows when high out of your minds and now you care? why? cause it’s affecting you now?”

“that’s not true. i care about him.”

“then don’t do this to him. not now not while he’s in such a fragile state.”

she scoffs, “please. like you care. we all know this isn’t him its about preserving great cameron name and its bullshit legacy.”

“keep your fucking voice down.” she glares at the girl. “you have some nerve coming to our house with this holier than thou bullshit. especially in our time of grief.”

she marches over to to the door and opens it, “i think it’s time for you to go.”

bestie!kook scoffs but walks to the door, not wanting to give the woman any more of her time. she glared at the woman, “if anything happens to him it’s on you.”

bestie!kook finds renfield’s dead body in the truck

she didn’t mean to truly. she was just worried about rafe and went looking for him in his own. he hadn’t been home for a while she wasn’t expecting him to be there, much less there with a dead body.

“it’s not what it looks like.”

she gasps, “rafe.”

“don’t scream.” breathing heavily, he looks at her lips then her eyes. “i didn’t kill him.”

she meets his eyes. “i believe you.”

his eyes widen in relief and shock. the upper corner of his mouth twitches up, the ghost of a smile. “i don’t why i ever doubted you.”

she looks back at the body and frowns. “what are we gonna do?”

“we?”

“if you think i’m gonna let you do this alone you really don’t know me.”

bestie!kook who is crushed when rafe leaves for guadeloupe. she stays in her room and cries believing that he’s gone for good. her friends and parents are worried at

bestie!kook who gets a knock on her door on her balcony window when she wakes up and runs to grab the gun she got after everything that went down with rafe and barry

she slowly approaches her window and opens her curtains with her gun drawn.

“hey.”

“rafe?” to say she’s shocked would be an understatement. “what the fuck are you doing here?” her tone hurts his chest but it doesn’t surprises him.

“i understand you’re mad.”

“understatement of the year.”

“but i can explain everything.”

“okay go.”

as far as explanations go. it’s not the worst excuse she’s ever heard. he pulls her into a tight hug. she could never stay mad at him for long.

“don’t ever leave me again.” it’s muffled into his chest.

“i won’t.”

————————————-———————————-

i really hope y’all liked this one it took me a minute. comment your thoughts, criticism is welcome as always but keep it classy. <3

[deluluonmyback]

impulsivity in bpd can be cutting and dyeing your hair, but it’s also frying and destroying your hair to a point where it’s completely ruined and you’re self conscious of it everyday.

impulsivity in bpd can be having an attitude and saying some petty things to people, but it’s also ruining every good friendship and relationship you’ve ever had and you can’t stop yourself from sabotaging everything, so you end up alone in a deep pit.

impulsivity in bpd can be having some drinks, doing dr*gs, or having a lot of meaningless sex. but it’s also relying on drinking and dr*gs so much that you’re completely off your face all time and it ruins your image and every aspect of your life. and it’s also no one wanting a relationship with you because you “sleep around” or “probably have an std”.

impulsivity in bpd can be browsing an fps facebook. but it’s also stalking their every move online and their every step in the real world constantly because you need them so bad. you can’t live without knowing if they’re okay, knowing what they’re doing, knowing if they’re leaving you for someone else, etc.

the list goes on. us borderlines post a lot of shit about bpd, and in my personal case, laughing it off and sharing it to others makes me feel a bit better and i know that it makes others feel less alone knowing that other people are doing the same horrendous shit. but stop romanticising being obsessive, quirky, impulsive, and having an attitude. it’s fucking painful. the emotional aspect is PHYSICALLY painful. watching the world crumble around us because most of us can’t fucking stop ourselves is painful. the withdrawals from substances, s/h, etc because we are so prone to addiction is PAINFUL. i’m all for supporting our fellow borderlines and cluster b peoples, but STOP self diagnosing to be “trendy”. i’m not on about self diagnosing, etc if you’re certain and it means you’re getting the support that you absolutely need. everyone is deserving of help, whether healthcare wants to agree or not, EVERYONE deserves the help they need. but stop trying to make bpd sound fun. being euphoric is fun, the rest of it IS NOT. ITS FUCKING PAINFUL. thank u bye 💕

(ps. i hate making rant posts about this, but seeing people act like bpd is a “fun choice” in life pisses me the fuck off, every day is just pure fucking suffering. the people romanticising and hyping this shit up are the same people who will talk shit about any cluster b who is showing symptoms or having one hell of an episode. but this NEEDS to be out there x)

(edit: the amount of support i’ve had on this is unreal 😭❤️ i tried to word this the best i can but when i have a lot to say it often comes out making no fucking sense at all or something comes off the wrong way. i saw someone reply about the yanderes shit. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. i don’t know why the fuck people fetishise it, it makes me feel disgusting to have an fp even if i’m keeping as far away from them as possible. and also the “euphoric is fun”, i still do a lot of embarrassing and over the top shit when i’m euphoric that i regret. but in the moment, the happiness i feel i just embrace now because it’s not been often that i ever get to feel like that. thank you so much for the likes and reblogs, i really hope this post has helped y’all. I LOVE YOU ALL ❤️)

[reidmania]

matilda | spencer reid

summary; when the topic of kids come up between you and spencer, you admit you are scared of being a mother & having your own family with spencer because of generational trauma and your childhood.

warnings; hurt x comfort, fears of being a mother, mummy issues, daddy issues, mentions of child abuse, slight bpd reference (not even a noticeable one) , fears of passing on trauma, both open up about fears, spencer talks about the schizophrenia gene, fem reader, established relationships, angst and a fuck ton of comfort

an; ME ME ME ME ME ME !! so based off matilda by harry styles just so u know if it wasn’t obvious!! to be honest this didn’t do the justice for me i wanted it to but i think bc my fear is so far implemented that comforting myself w a fictional character doesnt even work.

Maybe it was too soon.

A year long relationship. A year of spending every other day possible by one another’s side. A year of sweet nothings, giggly mornings, and soft kisses on the way out when leaving for work. A year of hand holding and three squeezes as silent I love you’s.

Maybe it was too soon to have the conversation about your future together. Too soon to talk about marriage, buying a home, settling down, having kids — even if it was just future planning. It’s not like either of you were planning on having kids now, or getting married right now, or buying a home now. Its not like it was ‘Im ready for more right now’ conversation. It was just a ‘Do you see more for us’ conversation yet it seemed to hold the same looming cloud over your head.

It was brought up when JJ came in with her newborn henry, you were there just visiting Spencer while he had some spare time. You weren’t expecting to be there for an extra hour, holding the newborn in your arms cooing at his every little movement, Spencer by your side, hand on your knee as he looked down on the sweet baby.

Then, you were asked if you wanted kids and you froze. You didn’t have time to even think about answering before Emily was saying how much of a great mother you would be. How you were just naturally good with kids. You laughed and brushed it off as Spencer smiled and squeezed your knee gently.

You handed baby Henry back to JJ moments later.

“Do you.. Not want kids?” Spencer asked later. It was after dinner, the rain outside was pattering against the window, loud enough to be heard over the sound of the tv which was playing a random documentary Spencer had put on. The question caught you off guard. It wasn’t that you hadn’t talked about kids with Spencer, just not seriously.

You turned your head to look at him, you knew this was probably a necessary conversation to have. You knew it was probably time to be honest yet that left a heavy weight on your chest and an overwhelming sense of nausea to your stomach — like the idea of having kids did.

“I don’t know.” You answered, honestly. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to have kids, you adored them, being around them, watching their wide eyes and curious faces when they got to that perfect toddler age when they were so curious about the world. You adored kids. It was that you didn’t think you could be a mother. Not a good one anyways.

Spencer’s face twisted into something, he shuffled a little on the couch, hands coming to rest on the back of it, behind your head as he sat up a little straighter. He didn’t answer, seemingly lost in thought, or a mental debate with himself. You could basically see the mental argument through his eyes and your chest fell.

“Do you?”

“Yes.” He answered instantly. You wanted to cry, you could actually feel the burning sensation in your nose because it felt like you were disappointing him. Normally — from your experience, people who wanted kids, longed for them, it wasn’t something they could pass off as fine without having. It was apart of their future lives.

“Oh.” It left your lips as your head dipped down slightly, wetting your lips as your mouth went dry. Your chest tightened with the crushing pressures of expectation and disappointment. His hand moved from the couch to tuck gently under your chin, lifting your head back to meet his eyes.

He looked at you like he was searching for something, and whatever it was he was looking for he seemed to find. “Is there a specific reason you don’t know?” He asked, voice gentle and steady, as if he knew.

“I don’t know” You answered again, it was unhelpful but the real answer seemed too heavy on your tongue to leave your lips. He tilted his head a little, his thumb gently running over your chin. “Okay. Thats okay.” He said, seemingly understanding your spiral of thought — or so you thought until he spoke again.

“Is— Is it me? Us?” He asked, as if you were doubting having kids with him, or a future with him. It was such a silly doubt you wanted to laugh because there was no way in the world, that was the last reason you would doubt your course of motherhood. Honestly, him being by your side made the thought a little lighter on your mind — not light enough.

You shook your head, “No, it’s not— Its nothing like that.. It’s just.. Me?” It came out as a question, a doubt more than you intended it too.

His eyebrows furrowed, hand moving from your chin to gently cup your jaw. “Do you want to tell me about that?” He asked softly, as if letting you know it was okay if you didn’t. That this conversation was entirely up to you and what you were comfortable with saying.

A huff left your lips as your head tilted to lean into his touch. “Have- Have you heard that saying? That the abused becomes the abuser, or hurt people, hurt people, or a household that once had an angry man will always have an angry man?” You rambled off the common sayings that only further installed the doubt that swarmed your mind and had since you were a teenager.

His features softened as he realised your point and what direction this conversation was heading towards, his thumb brushed over the soft skin of your cheek. “Mhm, a lot of abusers were also abused or experienced trauma in their childhood.” He nodded. Your frown deepened because you knew what he said was true.

“What if I become like them?” Your voice was quiet and barely above the whisper as the daunting fear left your lips, your eyes peered up at his. He didn’t need to ask who you were talking about, your parents.

He shook his head instantly, “You aren’t them.” He answered. You knew deep down he was right, but even looking in the mirror and seeing the features you shared with your parents made your stomach twist and chest carry a little heavier if you stared too long. When you noticed similar behavioural traits your mind would fog with self depreciation because of your hatred for them.

How could you ever love someone so similar to them, even if it was yourself?

“But what if I become like them. I feel like it’s wrong— and unfair for me to bring children into this world.. not when they could be so much like me.. Or like my parents.” You spoke, the earnest truth, no matter how much it hurt to say aloud.

His head further tilted and his heart ached at your words and the knowledge of your doubts, the way you viewed yourself as a second of your parents when from what he had heard you were so different. You were gentle and sweet, you had your moments like everyone did, but you weren’t them.

“I think any kid would be lucky to be like you. You’re gentle, caring, nurturing and dedicated. You show empathy to everyone— even those who don’t deserve it. Those are good traits for a child to develop” He spoke, listing off the numerous good things about you. It made your heart ache.

“But what about everything else? What if i pass.. My issues onto my children? Thats unfair. It would just be mean” You ushered out, mind swirling with doubts that kept you awake at night.

“Your parents endured a lot in their childhood, I know you know that. Their parents weren’t kind to them and your parents weren’t kind to you-You don’t have to feel bad about that, because it was unfair, and wrong of them to treat you that way regardless of the way they were treated in their childhood. The difference is you recognise that, you recognise what happened was wrong and the way you were treated was wrong. You’re putting in the effort to heal and to be better. You aren’t your parents, whether you decide you want to have kids or not. You aren’t them.”

His words weighed on your mind as you tried to process everything you were saying. It wasn’t the first time you had spoken to Spencer about your trauma or your childhood. You had been open with him about the abuse you endured, as well as the similar abuse your parents had both endured by their own parents. You told him about the guilt you held, how you for some reason felt bad for your parents.

It was a common theme in your mind, that maybe if your parents had met someone in their younger years who gave them a hug and and reminded them the world wasn’t as cruel as their parents made it seem — maybe your life would have turned out differently. Maybe your parents would’ve been good. Maybe your mother would have been nurturing and sweet, your father kind and humorous.

You were blessed in the way you had those people around you, the ones who reminded you that life wasn’t all it seemed to be in the house you grew up in. It wasn’t covering bruises with stolen makeup, or constant yelling and arguments after your father had drank too much, it wasn’t the dismissive and uncaring nature of your mother after a bad day — which seemed to have been everyday.

You were blessed in the way you got out when you had the chance. You went to therapy, you made something of yourself. You surrounded yourself with good hard working people, and you had met the most amazing man.

And yet you felt guilty that you had been able to do this, and your parents hadn’t. You wondered if the curse of natural unhappiness was passed down generation to generation, and would end your kids in a similar position. You wondered if you would become the same shameful and dismissive as your mother, or the same cruel and unkind as your father.

“It’s just, so scary.” You breathed out, because it was. “I don’t want to put someone else through what I had went through. I don’t want to ruin any chance they had at being good by being a child of mine.” You mumbled out, the best words you could find to describe your current state of mind.

He nodded understandingly, listening to every word and filling in every empty space your mind didn’t let you. He sat up a little straighter as he kept his gaze soft on yours. “Have I told you about my fear of passing the schizophrenia gene down to my future children?” He asked.

You shook your head. He hummed. “It was really bad a few years ago. I thought kids would be completely off the table for me, because the idea of bringing a kid into a world who may have to suffer a disease like that seemed so… unfair” He used the word you had repeated.

You understood what he meant, you really did. It seemed so wrong to do that to someone who had no choice over the life they were being brought into, no idea’s of the struggles they would face.

You listened carefully to his words, “How do you.. stop being scared of that?” You asked, because clearly his mind had changed since then. You couldn’t seem to get the fear out of your mind. It was constant eating away at your brain.

He paused for a moment, eyes staying on yours. He let out a soft breath, “You don’t. Thats not something that goes away, because it’s a valid fear to have, all the things you are scared of you are right to be scared of.. But it only further proves you care.” He said gently, “I think it’s less about stopping the fear and instead accepting it.” He said.

Your brain didn’t quite compute his words, his thumb danced gently over your skin. He took note of your lack of understanding what he meant. “Accepting that it is possible that we may pass things down to our children, whether its diseases or behaviours — The only thing we can do about that is be there for them when they need to learn how to cope with it, loving them regardless. You are so capable of love, and care. I see it in you everyday. You embody it.” He breathed out.

You curled gently into his side, your face coming to bury itself in the fabric of his shirt. His hand moved to rest on your upper back, rubbing soft circles over the skin there. You craved the comfort of his touch as your mind processed the comfort of his words. He was happy to provide it.

“I think I should talk about this in therapy” You mumbled out. He let out a soft chuckle, you felt the vibrations from it in his chest, making your lips curve into a slight smile. He nodded.

“I think if kids are something you want and the only thing stopping you is this fear then its something you should talk about in therapy. I know your parent’s took a lot from you, but I don’t think you should let them take your chance of building a family that will show you the unconditional love and care you deserve.”

And you did, the next time you went to therapy you brought up the topic of fearing passing down intergenerational trauma, and you spoke about every doubt on your mind. Later you came home and told Spencer about it.

He held you in his arms and kissed all over your face, expressing how proud he was and how much he loved you.

[genericpuff]

What is the thing you feel like Lore Olympus failed at or did the worst. The comic has a magnitude of problems but what is one problem that you have the most hatred for or just flat out makes you angry?

(Just curious)

There are so, so many things I could point to as "the worst" thing that the comic did, because it has a LOT of worsts, but I think ultimately the failing of the original myth's messaging has to take the cake because it's ultimately the root of all of LO's problems.

Rachel herself seems to have this disconnect between what's going on in her head vs. what she's actually writing. It's especially present in her Q&A's and interviews where she claims certain things about the comic / text that just aren't present in the slightest during the actual comic. One such example that ties into my answer is this response she gave to Girl Wonder Podcast:

"I feel like female characters in general, people will be a little harsher on them and sometimes way harsher on them, and I used to be like.. before I started writing the story and like making a story I was like yeah, sexism is not that bad, and [now] I was like oh it's bad. It's quite bad [laughs], so like, I don't know, I feel like the female characters in the story don't get so much of a pass. But this isn't consistent across the board, it's not all the time"

It's ironic at best and tone deaf at worst that she would claim that it's her audience being harsh on the female characters, when she's the one who wrote them into the characters they are that would get that reaction. Minthe had her BPD retconned so now she's just the abusive other girl. Hestia was turned into a cruel hypocrite when it was revealed she was a lesbian. Hera is racist to nymphs and cruel to the lower class and yet she's still rewarded in the end by getting to run off with a nymph girl who we've never seen her have any extended interaction with. And worst of all, Demeter was robbed of all of her agency all in favor of turning her into the evil Mother Gothel mom who's overbearing and cruel to poor Persephone. Some of these women deserve to be called out (Hera and Hestia), and others like Minthe and Demeter were simply used as props to do exactly what Rachel claims she doesn't like people doing and is labelling as sexism - to get harsh reactions and give the audience someone to hate on. Rachel desperately needs to learn to read her own work. Her audience is "sexist" towards these women because Rachel wrote them that way.

It fucking sucks and it's, ngl, extremely disrespectful to the messaging of the original myth that was written to comfort and empower the mothers who had lost their daughters to marriages back in the day. It wasn't some simple "aww the girl moved out and now she doesn't visit anymore!" girls who got married off were often literally never seen again and it wasn't by choice. Not only that, but in certain regions (such as in Athens) the women were isolated to their own section of the house upstairs (while the men lived downstairs) so that they wouldn't be seen by visiting guests or strangers.

It's why in some cultures the original H x P myth was considered a "golden standard" for marriages (at the time) because not only was Persephone given power over the domain alongside Hades, but she actually did get to see her mother - but it wasn't because Hades was just such a kind guy who would let her go willingly, it's because Demeter had to literally hold the world hostage and fight for her right to reunite with her child.

So for LO to not only twist Demeter's love and justifiable concern for her daughter into "helicopter parenting", but also rob her of her agency and power in fighting for her child, it fundamentally misses the entire point of the original myth and undoes itself as a retelling that's trying to be taken seriously in the discussion of Greek myth media. And for that, Rachel should be ashamed of herself.

[alba1221141]

Mary Janes

.˳·˖✶𓆩𓁺𓆪✶˖·˳.☁︎

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵

12

(T.W bpd episode towards the end, if that's at all triggering skip Jinx's second POV <3)

Jinx

The bass thrums through the walls, vibrating my bones, and the air reeks of sweat, liquor, and the sharp tang of people pretending they belong here.

Caitlyn Kirammans party.

Fucking fantastic.

I can already feel the chaos simmering, the way the room shifts with every new body that spills in.

I like it here. I thrive on it.

But Y/N? She’s quiet, like she always is. Not her scene, not even close. But she’s here, and that’s all that matters.

She’s standing next to me, like a little wallflower in a sea of jackasses.

We’re close enough that I can feel the tension rolling off her in waves, but neither of us has said a word about it.

We don’t need to.

It’s our thing.

Our secret.

I’m half-focused on Y/N, the way she’s standing there, shoulders pulled in, trying not to get noticed.

She doesn’t belong here, not like this. She’s got a quiet aura, a stark contrast to the noisy, wild energy around us.

But she’s with me, and that’s enough to keep my blood pumping. I can’t let her get lost in the crowd.

Cait and Mel swoop in like vultures, all manicured nails and perfectly placed grins, and before I can stop it, Y/N’s wrist is in Cait’s hand.

She barely has time to glance at me before they’re dragging her away, swallowed by the mass of bodies like she was never even standing next to me in the first place.

I feel my jaw clench, but I don’t move. I could. I could storm after her, could grab her back, could tell Cait to keep her prissy little hands to herself. But I don’t.

Because that’s not how this works.

Instead, I lean back against the wall, tapping my fingers against my thigh. Watching.

Mel says something, and Y/N laughs, but it’s that tight, polite laugh, the one she does when she’s being the good girl everyone expects her to be.

I fucking hate it.

I hate how easy it is for her to put that mask on, to pretend she’s one of them. I wonder if it ever gets exhausting, all that pretending.

Then I hear it.

“Alright, time for a game,” someone calls, and the crowd shifts, bodies pressing in as the living room turns into some kind of makeshift arena.

Great.

I push off the wall, weaving my way closer, close enough to see Y/N standing there, stiff as a damn board, while Cait and Mel laugh like they’ve already won something.

There’s a table in the center, scattered with shot glasses, a deck of cards, a stupid-looking bowl filled with crumpled-up slips of paper.

Truth or dare.

Of course.

I should’ve known Caitlyn and her bougie ass parties wouldn’t settle for anything normal.

I move to the edge of the crowd, close enough that I could step in if I wanted to. But Y/N’s shoulders are squared, her chin lifted just a little.

She’s handling it.

For now.

Mel reaches into the bowl first, plucking a slip and unfolding it like it holds the secrets of the universe. Then she smirks. “Y/N,” she says, her voice silky smooth, like she’s been waiting for this.

Y/N’s fingers twitch at her sides. “Truth.”

The air fucking shifts.

The question hangs, sharp and invasive, like it’s dissecting something private.

Y/N’s breath catches, just for a split second, but it’s enough for me to notice. Her back straightens, and her eyes dart around the room, like she’s looking for an escape.

Like there’s no way out.

I hate the way everyone’s looking at her now, waiting, eager. I hate that I can feel the pressure of their gaze too.

I hate that she’s stuck, caught in this moment where she has to lie or risk her privacy.

She looks at me, just for a breath, and I see it—the panic behind her eyes.

She can’t say it.

She can’t tell them about us.

And I get it.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

“I… I don’t know,” she says finally, voice too steady, too practiced. “I haven’t really had a romantic moment recently.”

The words hit like a punch to the chest. Her voice is steady, but her eyes flicker—flicker—back to me, and I feel it.

It’s a lie.

A lie so heavy I can’t breathe.

Mel’s smile is wide and expectant, but Y/N can’t bring herself to meet it. Instead, she looks down at the floor, as if she’s trying to disappear into it.

The whole room is dead silent, like they’re waiting for her to elaborate. I can feel the weight of their curiosity, the subtle shift in energy. It’s too much. Too fucking much.

I stand there, frozen, while her words wrap around me like a noose. It’s not the truth. It’s not even close.

But I can’t force her to say it.

I won’t make her.

But God, does it hurt.

And then, without a word, Y/N stands up straighter, pasting that smile of hers back on.

It’s weak, like it’s barely holding together, but it’s there. She’s doing what she does best—pretending.

The game moves on, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I can’t shake the feeling that something has shifted.

I can feel the distance between us growing with every breath. And I can’t help but wonder how much longer we can keep pretending.

But I don’t ask. I don’t need to.

I already know the answer.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿

Y/N

The weight of the moment lingers like a heavy fog, suffocating everything around me. The game moves on, people laughing, clinking glasses, like nothing’s wrong.

Like I didn’t just shatter something precious. But I feel it. The crack that just split between me and Jinx. The way her eyes—those eyes—refused to meet mine when I lied. When I denied what we were.

I don’t even realize I’m moving until I’m pushing through the crowd, desperate to catch up to her, desperate to fix whatever this is, before it breaks.

She’s already halfway out the door, her shoulders tense, her back a line of defiance. Like she’s preparing to leave. Like she’s already gone.

“Jinx!” I call, my voice a little too sharp, a little too broken, and the moment she hears me, she stops. But she doesn’t turn. She doesn’t give me the satisfaction of seeing her face, not yet.

I can hear her breath catch, feel the walls she’s putting up between us—cold, rigid, like she’s made of stone.

I take a step closer, and the words tumble out before I can stop them. “Jinx, wait. Please.”

She finally turns, but it’s not the way I want. She faces me with that look, the one that says everything’s messed up. That look that makes my chest tighten and my throat close. Her hands are clenched at her sides, her expression unreadable, like she’s afraid I’ll see too much.

“What do you want, Y/N?” Her voice is quiet, too calm, but I hear the edge underneath it, the tremor she’s hiding, and it's almost like my name tastes foul on her lips, there's no honey laced teasing. Just my name, so hollow and empty.

“Please, just let me explain,” I try again, my words tumbling over each other, desperate, pleading. “I didn’t mean it. You know I didn’t—”

“You didn’t mean it?” Her voice breaks, just a little, and I feel the sting of it deep in my chest. Her eyes narrow, and she steps forward, her gaze sharp, cutting through the distance. “You think I’m just some—some experiment to you?”

The words hit like a slap, and I stagger back, the realization sinking in like a weight I can’t shake.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Jinx, I—”

“Don’t.” She cuts me off, her voice low, deadly. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to use me when it’s convenient and then act like it’s nothing when things get real.”

Her words are a punch to the gut.

I open my mouth to argue, but nothing comes out. I can’t form the words. Because deep down, she’s right.

“You think I’m just some fucking game, Y/N? Some person you get to play with until you’re bored?” She’s shaking now, her breath ragged, fists clenched so tight her knuckles are white. “I’m not your fucking experiment. I’m not something you get to try out when it suits you and then throw away when it’s inconvenient.”

The hurt in her voice is a raw, jagged thing. It cuts deeper than any insult, any accusation. I want to reach out, to fix it, but I don’t know how.

“You never even told them the truth,” she continues, her voice trembling with rage and pain. “You lied to everyone. You lied to me. And now you’re telling me you didn’t mean it?”

I open my mouth, but the words stick in my throat. I didn’t mean it. But the truth... the truth feels like a weight I can’t bear to carry.

“I didn’t know how to—”

“Exactly,” she snaps. “You never knew how to. You don’t know what it’s like, Y/N, to be someone’s secret. To feel like you’re not even real.”

The words fall between us like shattered glass. And in that moment, I know she’s right. I’ve been so afraid of everything—of us, of the consequences—that I forgot she was real. That she wasn’t just some thing to hide away, tucked into the corners of my life where no one could see.

But now she’s here, raw and real, and she’s done pretending.

“Jinx, I’m sorry. I... I don’t want to lose you. Not like this.”

Her expression softens, just for a moment, but it’s not enough. Not enough to erase the hurt, the feeling that she’s already slipping through my fingers.

“Then stop making me feel like I’m nothing,” she says, her voice small, broken. “I’m not your fucking secret, Y/N. And I’m not some experiment you can toss aside when it gets too hard.”

I stand there, speechless, the weight of her words pressing down on me. And for the first time, I don’t know how to fix it.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿

Jinx

“Pow, please, it’s scary—”

Y/N’s face is all scrunched up, like she can’t decide if she’s going to cry or scream, her little hands clutched together like they’re trying to hold herself together. She’s always been like that, so gentle, so careful.

I don’t understand it then. I don’t understand why she’s scared, why she’s pulling away. All I want is to make her laugh, to make her stop being afraid. I just want to see that soft smile, the one she only gives me.

But it’s not happening.

“Don’t be a baby, Y/N.” My voice comes out harsh, too sharp, the kind of thing that cuts when it’s not meant to. But I don’t see it. I can’t see it.

Her lip trembles, and she takes a step back.

“Pow, I—I don’t like it when you do that.”

I laugh, but it’s bitter. “What? You don’t like it when I make you laugh? When I make you feel something?”

She shakes her head, eyes wide, like she’s suddenly seeing me for the first time. It’s like the ground is shifting beneath me, and I don’t know how to stop it.

“Pow…”

I don’t hear her. I’m already moving, already too far gone in my head to care about her feelings. The world around me is spinning, and I’m trapped in it, my thoughts fraying. I want to push her, make her laugh again, make her stop being scared.

But instead, I see it. I see her, backing away from me, her small hands held up like shields, like I’m the thing she’s afraid of.

“Stop,” she whispers, so softly, so quietly, but it cuts deeper than anything she could’ve yelled at me.

And I freeze.

Because I’ve broken her.

“Y/N…”

“I can’t... be your friend anymore, Powder.”

Her words hit harder than any slap. They feel like they’re carving into me, leaving jagged pieces behind.

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Nothing that makes sense. I can’t fix it. I can’t make it better.

And she’s already gone.

I watch her walk away, and I can feel the walls closing in. My heart is pounding in my ears, and all I want is to reach out, to stop her, but my legs won’t move.

She’s gone.

And I never knew how to make her stay.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵

The sound of my breathing is jagged—too loud—and I can’t catch it, like I’m suffocating on it.

It’s all I can hear. I’m drowning in it, in every breath that feels too thick, too wrong.

The walls are closing in.

The room is too small.

Too tight.

My chest—fuck—feels like someone’s wrapped their hands around my ribs and is squeezing, squeezing until I can’t take it anymore.

No—

I try to inhale, but my lungs are—they’re full of nothing.

I’m gasping, barely breathing, struggling to get air, struggling to stop my heart from exploding out of my chest.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

The thoughts start coming, jagged, violent, louder and louder, and I can’t escape them.

They’re fucking everywhere, stabbing me in the head like knives, ripping through my mind like a hurricane.

You fucked up. You always fuck up.

She’ll never love you.

I scream—louder, but it’s not enough.

It’s not enough to drown out the voices.

God, it’s not enough.

I can’t think.

I can’t feel anything but this, this overwhelming pressure, this suffocating weight pressing down on me, crushing me, until I’m nothing but a pile of shaking limbs.

I claw at my face, trying to make it stop, but the tears—they won’t stop.

Hot, fast, stinging, falling in streams I can’t control. My skin’s crawling.

I’m so fucking hot, like I’m burning alive, but then I feel cold, too cold, like I’m freezing from the inside out.

I scream again, a primal, ugly sound, and my hands shake so violently that they’re hitting the floor, knocking things over.

I don’t know what’s real anymore.

The walls are spinning. The floor is spinning.

I can’t make it stop.

Why didn’t you say it? Why didn’t you fight for her?

You fucked up.

I’m on my knees now, rocking back and forth, my body jerked with each shudder, each scream, each thought crashing through my skull.

I can’t stop moving. I can’t stop anything.

She doesn’t care.

YOU’RE NOTHING.

I can’t breathe. I clutch my chest, fingers digging into my skin, feeling the panic, the fire, the ice, the suffocating, overwhelming nothing that’s making me fucking disappear.

Why didn’t you just leave her alone?

You don’t matter. You never mattered.

I can’t hold it together. I can’t fix it. I can’t do anything but shake, scream, hurt.

And the voices—they’re fucking louder.

No one loves you!

You're a fucking mess!

I pull at my hair, tears streaming, gasping between sobs, but nothing helps. The world is spinning, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it stop.

I scream again, thrashing, but there’s no relief. There’s nothing.

I’m drowning.

I’m drowning.

I close my eyes, wishing I could just stop, wishing I could just disappear. Anything. Anything to make it stop.

But it never does.

It never fucking stops.

.˳·˖✶𓆩𓁺𓆪✶˖·˳.☁︎

authors note: so the honeymoon phase wasn't for long, but there will be a very nice reconciliation

please like and reblog <3

also timebomb fic is out, if you like mary janes so far, it's a similar writing style and setting so go check it out :)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/62833570/chapters/160875787

[earwigconsumer]

helloo first of all i just wanna say ur art is rly cool !! anyways could you maybe say some stuff you know abt kennith since its pretty hard to find accurate information?

Holy fuck I really appreciate that dude. Thank you a lot 🙏🙏🙏

And also I'm not too good with non specific stuff, so I'm just gonna spit out everything I can think of about Kennith

His birthday is October 12th 1968

He is 5'4

Kennith would drink the fuck out of kool-aid

Kennith cannot cook, he would probably burn the house down and he wouldn't care if he burned down with it

He gives himself burns on purpose anyway

Kennith likes rats and cats

He also really likes cats who look like they've gone through shit, like him

He and Stephanie shared makeup

Kennith pissed on a church's bush one time and declared it as his sinful territory

(A lot more under the cut)

Kennith just, breaks into Stephanie's house sometimes through her window. Sometimes to steal milk, borrow shit, or do what ever

Stephanie is fine with that

Kennith is homosexual and aromantic

Kennith and Stephanie got bullied for being friends with each other

He lives in Calumet, Michigan

When drunk Kennith gets extra gay and laughs at everything. Eventually getting really sleepy and incoherent

Kennith is that guy who would wear shorts all year, even in the winter

Kennith normally just throws on tanktops and shorts, switching to pull overs and jeans in the winter. Anything comfy really. Sometimes he dresses really good though, like 20% of the time

80% of the time it's gym shorts, tank tops, and t-shirts

Kennith can swim

Kennith sometimes just breaks into a country accent sometimes

Kennith likes candy

His favorite tastes are smoke, blood, rootbeer, alcohol of any kind, sour candies, and dick I MEAN WHO SAID THAT? WHO SAID THAT??

Kennith doesn't like being touched, unless it's in bed

How ever if he was hugging with genuine love and care he would get really emotional or all flustered have to go be alone for a while and be emotional later

Kennith paints his nails

If kennith were to go to a school dance (he didn't he spend them in his basement with Stephanie)

He would just kinda stand by the punch bowl with his little cup drink it, fill it, drink it, fill it, drink it, fill it, drink it, fill it, drink it again, and fill it

Kennith likes 60s garage rock and psychedelic rock

Kennith has BPD and depression

He steals a lot

He's also really sexual, he into bdsm and guro. Ghost has called him a kinky little shit

He thinks he'd trip in a ball gown

He doesn't have a schedule, he just does shit when he feels like

He'd get annoyed with clueless people and like if he has to repeat himself it pisses him off. He also doesn't like explaining when you're not on the same page as him immediately, he's tolerant with Stephanie doing that though

His favorite color is coral

He has a super unstable sleep schedule

Stephanie apprently carried around Kennith sometimes

He would have a gore and an nsfw blog on tumblr if he were alive now

If being gender-fluid was more known in the 80s he would have been gender-fluid. If he were alive now he would be gender-fluid. Cuz it's the 80s though, he just assumes he's a dude who feels more feminine sometimes

Kennith would refuse therapy because he "doesn't need that shit like that"

Kennith would like beanie babies if he were alive now

He twirls his hair

Sometimes when he didn't wanna be bothered about it, he'd cover up his sh with foundation to make it less noticeable. Most of the time he was too lazy

Kennith has abandonment issues

Kennith shaves

He LOVES milk

He would wear thigh highs

He doesn't know what job he'd have, he'd probably continue with repairing electronics though

Kennith drinks and smokes weed

Kennith's favorite alcoholic thing is champagne

Kennith would have a pet rat

Kennith can scream really loud

He makes self deprecating jokes quite a bit

Kennith would wear a skirt if he wouldn't have gotten the living shit bullied out of him. They would also be flashy and revealing

For Halloween Kennith would dress in all white and say he's sperm

He swears excessively

Kennith is that guy with the magnifying glass and burns ants to death

He's the type to draw dicks on the school white boards/chalk boards

Kennith would like throwing knives

Kennith likes to mess with people for fun (in a silly way)

He also likes joking around with and pranking his friends

Kennith would have loved being a model

Kennith is around 100lbs

His voice claim is YoppyVU, any statement about it not, is a lie. Ghost does that a lot, did you know that?

He doesn't spend a lot of time at home, his parents piss him off. He usually hangs around the gas station Greg works at, Stephanie's house, or the park or something

He'd be the type to die his hair with kool-aid, it would look like shit

Kennith attempted before

Kennith forgets to eat alot. He starves himself but not to a life threatening point, he doesn't focus on it at all. He literally just forgets and doesn't feel like eating

He would have been a theater kid if he didn't think the world hated him

He'd be a bad singer

He's broadcast was in the garage he worked in

Ghost said if you looked up "curly pixie cut" you'd be able to find references for his hair

And also he is cold and reserved to people he is not friends with. He takes a bit to warm up to people

That's not all I know, but I don't wanna write anymore. It's 4 am. I can cite my sources for all of these, btw. And also ignore but don't that jab about Ghost lying a lot

[emilylawsons]

Okay but I need to discuss that scene in 3.03

Spoilers under the cut

I thought Helen’s breakdown in the second episode of the show was jarring. Then I thought Helen walking off air and tearing up the tapes of the Kay Walters interview in 2.05 was even more so. I did not know that Anna Torv could top herself in her performance, and I should have damn well known better.

Because when I tell you—WHEN I TELL YOU—that the scene in episode 3 of the new season should give her an automatic win for every award, I mean it. Because goddamn…

And knowing that scene was improvised?? (Like the story beats were there but they let Anna and Sam go off script because the script wasn’t working.) What. The. Fuck.

Helen has carried this disorder with her for her entire life. Suffered. I’ve actually done some research on BPD myself before this season even aired, and people with BPD truly suffer and have historically been treated horribly by mental health professionals. We see this when Helen confronts her therapist and later when she breaks down. All she knows is how dire the books make it sound, and what she’s been told—or rather how she’s perceived this diagnosis—is that there is something deeply wrong and rotten about her. There is no hope. It’s all her, and her mere existence is a stain. There is no cure or taking it away. As she tells Dale, “I just am fucked.”

This is a woman who never had anyone tell her that she could manage her struggles and take control—that she didn’t have to be ashamed or live in the stigma. All she’s ever known is that she feels too much—and also, I would reckon she believes, not enough. And because of that, people can’t handle her. She is too much. For her family, who locked her away as a teenager. For her friends. For her relationships. For the people she works with. They just leave. Or they scream at her. Or they use her.

And while we see the strides she makes the rest of the season—we see her come to terms with who she is and understand that she can manage this, that she doesn’t have to be defined by her disorder—this moment is so fucking heartbreaking.

But then she has Dale. The first and only person she wants to talk to about this. The only person she trusts, who she calls first and doesn’t bother to hide her detriment from. And he doesn’t judge her. He lets her cry in his arms and tells her, “I only see you.” Like what a perfect parallel to her telling him, “I love you just the way you are.”

And once she comes down from her distress…she laughs. When Dale asks her if she feels any different she laughs. Because she finds that freedom in knowing. In having an answer as to why she’s had all of these unstable interactions and emotions that simply take over. In the realization that she isn’t suddenly a different person just because someone put a name to her behavior and reactions. And if she is fucked, what the hell is she gonna do about it?

The whole scene is just… *takes several deep breaths* Yeah. No lesser actress could have pulled it off, nor could they portray Helen and her struggles the way Anna does. This whole thing pretty much solidifies Helen in my top characters of all time. I love her. I love seeing her take care of herself and learn to work through her struggles, and I love that when we leave her she is so full of hope. But this scene is so devastating, and I will not be shutting up about it any time soon.

[tommyssupercoolblog]

Anyway. I still love myself even though I'm like. Weird. Girl why is that my fear response. It's okay though I stay silly

Why can't I be the "shuts down when panicked" kind of person and not the "rambles and talks even MORE when panicked" kind of person. Girl I just failed to have a coherent conversation because I left five comments in a row and didn't even see they replied while I was typing all those fucking comments

[madilynlovesbsdfr]

intro<33

hiii my names madilyn :D

-isfp

15 turning 16 on June 6

Music I like:Melanie Martinez,Mitski,Tyler the creator,Olivia Rodrigo,Billie Eilish,Alex g,Arctic monkeys,Ariana Grande,Clairo,Beabadoobee,Doja cat,Elita,Lana del ray,Mac De Marco,Rebzyyx,Tv girl,The weekend,The neighbourhood,The Maria’s,Tame impala,SZA,Steve Lacy,Playboi Carti,Pink Pantheress,Odd future,Lady Gaga,Insane Clown Posse,Frank ocean,Mitski,Jazmin bean,Laufey,Conan Gray,Cigarettes After Sex,Deftones,Sabrina carpenter,And many more I listen/watch anything!!

shows I love:American horror story,The umbrella academy,Stranger things,South Park,Adventure Time,Shameless,Outerbanks,Squid game,Skins,Scream queens,Arcane,The End of the fucking world,Wayne,Dexter,murder drones,Alice in borderland,Jennifer’s body You,Euphoria,Insatiable,alien stage,total drama island, the owl house,the amazing digital circus,Milgram,and many more I also loveeee musicals

Movies I love:the notebook,The craft,500 days of summer,Alice in wonderland,Mean girls,Little Women,Bones and all,Beautiful boy,Girl Interrupted,GoldFinch,Scream movies,IT(I was a huge fan of the losers club),chucky,pearl,Scott pilgrim,Coraline,Corpse Bride,Beetlejuice,Just any horror or romance movie also deadpool and spiderman>>(I love Andrew Garfield and timothee chalamet sm)

games I love:doki doki literature club,genshin impact,roblox,Minecraft,omori,Hsr,Needy streamer overload,Mystic Messenger,Identity V,Pjsk,Yandere simulator,silent hill,fatal frame,Wuthering Waves,Muse Dash,Class of 09,MiSide,You and me and her,Danganronpa,Fnaf,Cuphead,Broken colors,persona 5,obey me,FNAF,undertale,etc

DNI!!:pedos,anyone who’s rude

I love laughing Jack/creepy pasta too

I really love the wolf trilogy from Tyler!!

I also really really love heathers and jd!!

my fav songs are:Treehome95,Do I wanna know?,Oxytocin,Teddy bear,Mad hatter,wish you were gay,Sunsetz,Moonlight on the river,Wine pon you,Favourite toy,drivers license,Obsessed,Sad girl,etc!!

Animes I love(I watched like over 100😭):bungo stray dogs(DAZAI IS SO ME FR!!),death note,Vanitas no carte,Diabolik lovers,Free,My future diary,Junji Ito,hxh,Tpn,Seraph of the end,Aot,Jjba,Tokyo revengers,Evangelion,Azumanga,Perfect Blue,Date a live(I love kurumi sm)Toilet bound Hanako-kun,Jujutsu Kaisen,A Silent voice,Konosuba,Horimiya,Ao Haru ride,maid sama,fruits basket,Chunibyo,Howls moving castle(Studio ghibli ily)When they cry,Nana,Bocchi the rock,Chainsaw Man,Black butler, stranger by the Shore,Demon slayer,K-on,Kamisama kiss,madoka magica,Lain, blue lock and more

Mangas I love sm:When a magicians pupil smiles,love and heart,firefly wedding,also secret alliance but that’s a manhwa,I love Amy,Killing stalking,Oyasumi Pun Pun,etc

Dazai is me fr

I LOVEEEE CINNAMOROLL!! (Best Sanrio ever)

I draw sometimes^^

I’m obsessive,depressed,bpd,social anxiety(anxiety in general),irl yandere(kinda i have like obsessive tendencies but im not a rough yandere just a sweet and clingy one<33),sh,ed

jirai,Lolita,baggy clothes,cutecore fashion<33! Idk I love anything tbh😭

[filthygob]

I'd kill myself but that would mean I'd never be able to drink coffee or smoke a cigarette again. happiness is really found in smallest things.

[take-it-to-my-gravee]

You know what… im going to admit it IM FUCKING PISSED. Im pissed off at the world im pissed off wt myself im pissed off with my life but do you want to know what im especially pissed about…? My “best friend” literally abandoning me. And growing so far apart from me its not even funny choosing someone who is terrible to be around. I dont get to see my god child you never fucking text or call me. I HAVE MADE THE EFFORT. I know im not entitled to have a spot in your life. I get it. You dont fucking care about me you never did just what i could provide. You NEVER provided me with anything besides bad habits… i cannot believe im losing my mind over this. I thought we were going to be friends for life and yet i am reminded NOTHING lasts forever and people lie no matter what. You care more now about all the shit in. Your fucking nose. Im so sick of this bullshit i fucking hate you at this point… i cannot stand you fuck you. FUCK YOU. I gave you everything i was always here for you and where the fuck are you…? NO WHERE.

[zombholic]

hii me again (the one that just texted about forgotten ask) but it was about abby (i had a doctor!abby in mind but it’s up to you) couple of days ago it was basically about hurt/comfort, angst type of thing where you know they fight, scream and cry and then kiss and make up, and talk and whole lot of fluff, and apologize<3 but you can write it as you see fit (obviously, it’s your work) but it was just an idea, cause i’m a sucker for this type of fics😭(i basically just wrote the whole plot here cause i didn’t want you to look for it)

JEALOUS GIRL — abby anderson

summary — basically what anon said ^

description — poc!fem reader with bpd, doctor!abby, angsty, very angry reader.

— 🎧　　 ◦ ✺ 　 📽　 ⟢ —

You and Abby had went to her best friend’s birthday get together, Leah. You quite honestly couldn’t stand that stuck up piece of shit, she has no problem flirting with your girlfriend in front of you like you’re not there. Abby is one of those girls where you have to tell her you have feelings for her or else she thinks you’re just being friendly, how else did you guys start dating to begin with.

Your girlfriend was sat on the couch next to Leah, who was too close for comfort. Nora had pulled you aside to have a drink with you, she was your favorite honestly, the complete opposite of Leah yet somehow all of them get along her.

“You said you were going to college soon right?” Nora was trying to make conversation with you but your glare never left the couch, you try to stay calm and collected around Abby’s friends since they were much older but seeing her grab onto your girlfriends arm like that made you want to violently grab her head and smash it into your knee.

“Y/n?” Nora waved her hand in front of your out of touch face, blinking your eyes a couple of times you looked over at her “Sorry, I get distracted easily. Yeah I’m going to start my career in becoming a veterinarian.” You gave her an apologetic smile.

The rest of the night stayed like that, Leah basically begging for Abby to fuck her right in front of you. Your blood was boiling to the point your body started heating up, if anyone touched you they would get third degree burns. When it was finally time to leave you swore all love for Abby was pushed deep inside leaving you filled with anger.

“Lemme get the door fo—“ “I can open the door for my fucking self.” You shoved her hand away from the handle of her car, getting inside and slamming it so hard it almost shook the whole car. Abby looked at you with the most confused expression plastered across her face “What’s wrong with you?” She started her engine before going back to look at you “Don’t fucking talk to me right now.” Your arms were crossed over your chest, your nails digging deep into your boiling flesh.

The rest of the ride back home lingered with tension and anger fuming from you. Right as she parked the car you were quick to get out repeatedly the same action to slam the door, walking inside your shared home with her you shut the door right before she walked in. Storming up to the shared bedroom you started to take your shoes off, wanting nothing more than to just lay down.

“Y/n, what is your actual problem?” Abby walked over to you as she grabbed your arm as gently as she could she needed you to look at her. Abby was big on communication and you weren’t, you both having very different lives that to you communication wasn’t a thing when you were angry, your anger never regulated properly only going from zero to hundred in a matter of seconds.

When you got angry, you weren’t you like someone else stepped into your body and did whatever it took to defend yourself from any pain. “For a fucking Doctor you’re really fucking stupid.” The words spitting out of your mouth were laced with venom, Abby taken aback from the sudden insult “Why are you being so disrespectful?” You laughed at her lack of situational awareness “Wow you’re really stupid Abby, you have the audacity to say im disrespectful when you were basically fucking Leah right in front of me!” Your hands clenched into a tight fist, nails digging into your palms it’s like all your emotions were turned off but anger.

“Calling me stupid isn’t going to make this situation any better, I suggest you fix your attitude then come speak to me.” You knew you pushed her buttons badly, Abby grabbed her pajamas before heading to the guest room but not before slamming the door.

You sat on your bed trying to calm yourself down only failing when you start sobbing into the pillow. Why do you always do this? Always quick to attack before anything else. God she was going to leave you wasn’t she? Abby can’t handle someone like you. You’re too much to handle, this is why you can’t keep a relationship.

Horrible thoughts ran through your head at hundreds miles per hour causing you to sob harder into the pillow, you hated that you couldn’t be normal, why couldn’t you just talk to her?

You decided to change into your pajamas before heading over to the guest room where you saw Abby reading a book, so focused she didn’t notice you by the doorway. “Are you gonna leave me?” You felt the tears form back into your eyes streaming down your face, the swelling and tightness in your throat hurting, you quickly covered your mouth with the back of your hand trying not to sob.

Abby was quick to put the book down, walking over to you to embrace you into her arms, her hand coming to hold the back of your head trying to soothe you. Sobbing into her chest you apologized profusely “I’m so— sorry Abby, I don’t know why I do that.” You managed to say between hiccups and sobs.

“Baby, baby look at me.” She held your face in her hands making you look at her, you saw the expression on her face soften seeing her lover cry like that felt like pins and needles in her heart “I’m not going to leave you, ever. I love you, I just need you to work on communicating with me and I will help you with that. I don’t think you realize how much your words actually hurt.” Her thumbs wiping every tear that fell down your puffed up face.

“Now tell me why you were so angry with me earlier?” Her soft blue orbs never leaving your tear filled eyes. “I just didn’t like how Leah was all over you, she was grabbing your arm and leaning on you, it made me uncomfortable and mad.” She acknowledged every word you said “I’m so sorry I didn’t notice what she was doing, i’ll talk to her about it and it will never happen again, I promise you baby.” She pressed her soft lips against yours, the most gentle kiss she’s ever given you.

“I love you Y/n and I’m going to marry you someday so don’t ever think that I will leave you.” You giggled a little at her marriage comment before you grabbed her face and kissed her deeply.

— 🎧　　 ◦ ✺ 　 📽　 ⟢ —

authors note — i hope this is what u were looking for!! btw i have bpd so everything i wrote is everything i feel when im angry😭

[zebulontheplanet]

I woke up with a lot of hate from anons so let’s clear some things up.

All that I talk about is professionally diagnosed except one diagnosis I have (which is POTs) is unofficially officially diagnosed. Which means the doctor hasn’t written it in the chart but is treating me for POTs.

I can talk about my PROFESSIONALLY DIAGNOSED BPD if I want too. Before I said it was probably a misdiagnosis. Now I’m saying that I might be wrong and I think I should hear people out about it.

Another thing. Having the amount of diagnoses that I have IS. NOT. NORMAL. it is not normal to have 10+ conditions. However, it’s possible. It’s REALLY POSSIBLE. Because I am here, and I do have 10+ diagnoses and I am professionally diagnosed, and I know people who have about the same as me or even more! Because being disabled has this wonderful thing called comorbidities. Which I have a lot of.

Another thing, me being able to type well doesn’t mean I don’t have an intellectual disability. There are many people who have intellectual disability who go on to do amazing things! Who have families, who have kids, who are married, who have successful businesses, who have done all these things! And there’s people with ID who have not. That’s ok. We need to stop lumping people with ID in one single category and instead realize it’s a very large spectrum of capabilities and strengths.

Another thing, i have a lot better things to do then come on here and fake having disorders. I have a life. I have family. I have 5 siblings living at home and I’m the second oldest so you can imagine how busy I am. I DO NOT need to come on here and fake having conditions and disabilities. I come on here and talk about disabilities I DO HAVE because I want to share about them in my free time and I enjoy it. I don’t have to, I don’t care what other people think. I’m just here to have fun.

One last thing. I’m laughing at all you anons that sent me hate because I could really not give a fuck. I’m gonna go on with my day and talk with my boyfriend and hang out with my aunt today. So…fuck off.

Also, being autistic does not excuse you from ableism. Have a nice day!