#like. how do i actually describe it. this movie is about being a mentally ill child from the child's perspective

[eosofspades]

next gen (2018) is the best movie ever for a lot of reasons but the biggest, most integral one that i've never seen anybody actually address before, is that it is fundamentally a story about being a very young child who is suffering so much emotional pain and the experience of that pain not being taken seriously by anyone around you. mai's anger issues and crushing loneliness are absolutely integral to any reading of the story's themes, and not only is her pain a driving force, but it is validated by the narrative. the story doesn't mock her for having "daddy issues," she's not just a whiny or dramatic little girl; she is ABSOLUTELY justified in feeling lonely and hopelessly angry, and the movie goes out of its way to show you things from HER perspective. and at the end, the "lesson" she had to learn wasn't that she was WRONG about how she viewed her mother and her situation - in fact, her MOM is the one who has to learn that she was mistreating her daughter and hurting her.

the movie also takes so much care to honestly and realistically show how that loneliness can manifest in the most destructive of ways - mai is ALLOWED to be angry, she is allowed to be rude and abrasive and destructive, and while it is portrayed as a problem and something that needs to be addressed, the narrative never BLAMES her for it - because she is a child reacting in a real, emotional, raw, human way to her trauma and pain.

what i'm trying to say is i have never seen a film before that takes a child's feelings of misery as something so valid. the narrative NEVER condescends to her character, it never comes across as patronizing. and the movie isn't about having to forgive the people who hurt you, but instead it's about the importance of not letting that pain stop you from making NEW memories and better relationships. it's so real and RAW and full of love and ultimately, it is about how even one person looking at you and saying "i see your pain, and i'm not going anywhere" and meaning it can be enough to save you.

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

DROP YOUR DX FOR VOX !!!!! Please and thank you.

I would like to preface all my posts on headcanons related to psychology and mental illness with a disclaimer: diagnosing mental conditions, especially personality disorders, can be extremely challenging. It's a complicated process that relies heavily on a psychologist's interpretation of facts, making it susceptible to biases. Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed based on surface-level observations and are not just labels that we can assign to people like in the case of MBTI. Additionally, I am not a clinician with any expertise in diagnosing people. Therefore, the following post should not be taken as a reliable professional opinion. It's simply my interpretation of the internal mechanisms that may be responsible for the behavior of certain characters in my fan fiction. Furthermore, I want to make it clear that I have no intention of stigmatizing people with personality disorders by associating them with villains. A personality disorder does not determine someone's character or make them a bad person. Some characters may be evil because of the choices they make, not as a result of their mental conditions.

(I've already posted some stuff here so I'm not going to repeat myself.)

Okay, so, Vox has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It's crucial to distinguish this from "common narcissism" (people often described as "narcissists" by others just because they are egotist assholes; kinda ableist, you shouldn't do it because it's extremely stigmatizing towards people suffering with actual NPD) . While those individuals typically function well, those with NPD exhibit all the traits – grandiosity, egocentrism, attention-seeking, intense power fantasies – but as it's a disorder, these traits lead to inflexible and maladaptive patterns of behavior and cognition.

NPD has its roots in intense feelings of shame, low self-compassion, and self-loathing. In my interpretation, Vox has always felt inadequate. His father inherited an enormous amount of money, establishing a media conglomerate in the 20's. Vox's mother, captivated by the world of movies, used them to escape her reality as a trophy wife. Despite her dreams of becoming an actress, Vox's father, possessive and protective, prevented her entry into the entertainment industry. As a compromise, he made their son a child actor, with the condition that it would be temporary. When Vox grew older, he was expected to transition to learning business and other skills, ultimately to take over the family's empire.

So, Vox was never enough for either of his parents. His father thought of him as annoying and unserious due to his talkativeness and exaggerated behaviors, attributing it to growing up surrounded by actors. As for his mother... Vox turned out to be a terrible actor, struggling to convey emotions that weren't bombastic and over-the-top. Being a teenager is humiliating enough, but imagine being a teenager bad at something and forced to do it for a worldwide audience, when the whole production crew is annoyed with you. Fortunately, he grew up to be devilishly handsome (not to be a simp, I just believe someone must be handsome to endure the ethereal punishment of having their face swapped for a TV screen) and entertaining, leading them to make him a TV host and media personality.

Anyway, NPD is all about creating a perfect self and projecting it to the world when you're deeply ashamed of your true self. It means that, no matter what you're doing, you're constantly concerned about how it looks to other people. You constantly play an exhausting game, trying to win gold stars of social admiration for every-fucking-thing, guided by superficial ideals of wealth, perfection, beauty, and, above all, power. One reason Alastor's existence bothers Vox so much is the fact that he cannot comprehend the idea of someone choosing radio over his "objectively better and correct" medium. Vox lacks the ability to understand nuanced sentiments, which ironically makes him thrive in Hell. In this anarchocapitalist, lawless society, survival of the fittest prevails, and this is a game he excels at playing.

Generally, the best approach for individuals with NPD is to pull them out of delusional thinking by confronting their beliefs about the world and themselves with reality (it should be performed by qualified therapist, especially when someone hasn't completed any kind of therapeutic process yet). However, in Hell, Vox's behavior was no longer in violation of social norms; on the contrary, it was highly rewarded. Consequently, he completely lost his shit, became unhinged, and began acting on all his previously suppressed urges. He finally fulfilled all narcissistic power fantasies and became (almost) untouchable. Now, he's ready to kill anyone who questions him, seeing it as threatening to his fragile image of the perfect self.

He exhibits strong bipolar tendencies. Most of the time, he's power-tripping in a semi-maniacal state. Periodically, he undergoes deep, depressive episodes, locking himself up in his apartment and avoiding interaction.

Constantly guarding this fragile image of the perfect self that he built is exhausting. The bigger this image gets, the more fragile it becomes, like a house of cards. And guarding it becomes more and more exhausting. But there's nothing scarier than the idea of the facade falling apart and people seeing him as he is: imperfect and vulnerable, damaged and ashamed, rotten and evil. Deep down, he knows he's unlovable, and it hurts. He knows that true love exists; he craves this ultimate form of admiration and devotion, but it requires vulnerability and honesty, which he's not capable of. He's only vulnerable with Valentino, and only occasionally when he's intoxicated or when Val fucks every last thought out of his body. He's very much a controlling top insecure about his masculinity, so the latter happens rarely.

Also, drugs. Oh, do this man enjoy some coke. Other drugs and booze, not so much; they make him feel less in control. But getting coked up, going out, causing a scene, killing some poor souls, and relishing this feeling of being completely untouchable? Feels so good.

When it comes to Alastor, he hates him because he's jealous. Despite all his efforts—building a perfect persona, a perfect company, perfect entertainment—this stinky, outdated, and boring radio demon gets so much attention and admiration that should be his. Moreover, he feels that Alastor can see right through his bullshit. He's so paranoid about it that he's almost certain Alastor knows about his childhood traumas, about his death, about all his truths, and could one day broadcast it for all people of Hell to hear. So, he needs him dead.

Note: these headcanons (especially Vox's past) are very important part of my fanfiction. Please feel free to use them in your fics but I'll appreciate if you tag me 🩷

Velvette hc | Valentino hc | Vees + Angel hc | VoxVal hc

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

I do agree with your assessment that Eridan is one of the more repressed trolls of the Alternian friend group but I do not believe so full-heartedly that he never found time to enjoy himself for a scant few seconds at minimum. So I ask you what does a week look like for Eridan Ampora on Alternia, and how much of it is composed of desperate posturing towards others?

It's less that he's never enjoyed himself and more that his perceived experience is that of never enjoying himself. He self-describes murder as "all i evver done practically," and while that's obviously not LITERALLY true, it's how he FEELS the truth to be - that his entire life has been dominated by this endless cycle of murder, preparing for murder, cleaning up after murder, thinking about murder, obsessing about murder, and feeling like he should be doing something about murder.

It's anxiety - Eridan is one of those people who has no idea what to do with himself if he doesn't have some sort of Task hanging over his head (we see it with his utter inability to make smalltalk with Feferi, and his general reluctance to shoot the shit without some sort of goal in mind for the conversation). Under these circumstances, any fun or enjoyment he DOES have feels stolen - like he shouldn't be having it. If you can lean, you can clean. If you have time to be watching a movie or shopping for clothes or playing pretend with your shitty wands, you have time to be MAKING SURE YOUR WHOLE SPECIES DOESN'T DIE IN AGONY.

It's not that he literally never has fun, it's that any fun he does have feels undeserved, unearned, and shameful. Distractions from his responsibilities. Failures to live up to expectations. That's why the few leisure activities we actually get to hear about or see him do are usually couched in being part of his duties - FLARPing with Vriska feeds their lusii, and his attempts to hang out with her are transparently hidden in trying to get her to build him doomsday devices. He dresses to emulate Dualscar first and foremost, and even though he prefers drama and romance, he only lets himself read them in the context of military history.

It makes his love of wizards more striking because he can't come up with a good excuse for it - he just ardently fucking loves magic and pretending to be a wizard. But even then, he clearly feels shame for liking magic, because he's constantly decrying it for being fake kiddie playtime shit for wigglers. See what I mean? It's not that he doesn't have fun, it's that he doesn't feel like he's ALLOWED to have fun. Even when he is doing things that are objectively fun, there's a part of his brain chastising him for wasting his time. He's always filled with a nonspecific fear that if he isn't doing something "useful," then Something Bad Will Happen. So to that end, as much as he's been able, he's tried to make his hobbies all somehow related to fulfilling his various overhanging Duties and Responsibilities, to the point where his own lived experience is one where he is perpetually on call. Das mental illness babey!!!!!

The one exception to this seems to be his long conversations with Karkat, where we actually see Eridan chill way the fuck out, crack jokes, and talk about his and Karkat's feelings. It helps that Karkat's, like, the only person on the team who takes Eridan's problems seriously.

[rose-morose]

I want to mention before you start reading this, this isn't a hate post on Arcane or Jinx, so if you're gonna read it please read to the end, though it is a very long read, so you have been warned

look I know it's not a very popular opinion, but I really wasn't a fan of Jinx in the first season of Arcane, I just thought her whole madness arc was uncharacteristically generic and over exaggerated compared to the rest of the show's extremely competent writing, and her character felt very one dimensional and simple

(Arcane season 1 and 2 spoilers under the cut)

after she stopped going by Powder and became Jinx, she just kind of felt like the kooky crazy lunatic archetype with no other facets to her personality

there were moments that kind of made her seem more complex, like some of the early interactions she had with her sister Vi after the time skip, and her relationship with her father figure Silco, and the one scene on the bridge where she was fighting Ekko, but she seemed to only exist in the context of the other characters and wasn't really her own character, to me she seemed more like a plot device than a person

but then season 2 came, and Silco was gone, Vi didn't want anything to do with her, Ekko was off doing his own thing somewhere else, and for the first time ever she was truly alone

and it suddenly felt like Jinx could finally be alone and still be compelling and interesting and have her own growth and development outside of the context of other characters, she could be her own person

she went from over the top stereotypical movie crazy to a person struggling with genuine mental illness, a past filled with trauma, and complex feelings around her remaining relationships with the other characters, characters that she no longer depended on, as well as her self

like when she had the shot on Vi, but couldn't take it, there was a great deal of strife and contemplation on her face and ultimately it was her tear falling that alerted Vi to her presence, this is the first time she didn't seem to have one of those black and white demeanours of unbridled aggression or passive despair that she had often flipped between when interacting with other characters

and Jinx finally formed a real relationship with Sevika rather than just being outwardly jealous and petty but ultimately not behaving like she actually cared that much about her one way or the other, only using her to justify her new initiative, and while they still don't seem to like each other, now there is more complexity behind that unfriendly relationship that allows for nuances like the two working together in the wake of Silco's death, someone that they had both previously relied on for direction and purpose, which was really the only thing they had in common in season one

and the introduction of Isha gave Jinx another opportunity to form a relationship with a new character that required more than one word like "dad" or "sister" to adequately describe it

now Jinx had her own little sister that looked up to her, instead of her constantly looking up to Vi, she actually had to take the initiative and act on her own and allow Isha to follow

I of course hope to see Isha continue to develop as her own character as well, but for now I'm content with her helping Jinx to be her own person

now I said that this isn't a hate post on Arcane or Jinx, and that's because I actually fucking love this show, the writing is brilliant, and now I love Jinx's character too, Silco was my favourite character and I'll admit that I was apprehensive about how the story would unfold without him, but now I really can't wait to see what Jinx and Sevika do in the next two acts of the show

thanks for sitting through another one of my extremely amateur and even more extremely long characters analyses, hope it wasn't too wordy (even though I know it was) as usual I would love to hear the insight of others on the topic, so feel free to reblog or comment your own take and I would love to read it

[voltaspistol]

Ok guys. Tumblr just cured my friend of hallucinations, and my therapist said that this was potentially AN ACTUAL BREAKTHROUGH for treating moderate psychosis, especially difficult-to-treat cases where the patient is convinced that their hallucinations are more "real" than reality. You remember that thread about Magenta? How it isn't real??

We used that shit to cure someone's hallucinations. First, a bit of background: I'm mentally ill (anxiety, Bipolar II, depression, PTSD-- all held in check by medications and therapy), and I've been helping this kid for a while, let's call him K, who also suffers from mental illnesses (anxiety, drug addiction, and some other things) in sort of a Big Sister capacity. K has been struggling with extremely realistic hallucinations ever since doing DMT, aka, the drug that apparently gives you lasting lifelike hallucinations long after you stop taking it? K was specifically seeing demons. Straight up devils clawing at him. Probably because he was raised Evangelical and is LGBTQ, and his parents bombard him with that shit 24/7.

He described what he was undergoing as "spiritual psychosis" and was adamant that what he was seeing was reality pulled back to reveal the truth of what was going on: That demons were coming for him. Going to a church and getting blessed would make them disappear for a little bit, but then they'd come back stronger than before. There was no way to convince K that hallucinations this real could be anything but the absolute, objective truth.

So I'd seen that thing about Magenta come across my dash, did an edible, watched a Nicholas Cage movie, and I had an idea.

I introduced K to the concept that Magenta does not exist outside of the human mind. He was confused at first, but after explaining that (basically) that the color magenta does not exist outside of the human mind, it made him FINALLY understand that what we perceive is NOT objective reality. So that's Step 1: Use Magenta to understand that no matter how irrefutable your senses tell you your hallucinations are, they are a trick of the mind. Everyone in the whole goddamn world walks around thinking that Magenta is a totally real color that actually exists in the world. That's why you can't trust your hallucinations.

But that left the next problem: If he wasn't experiencing a "spiritual psychosis", that meant that he was experiencing hallucinations, and everyone knows that hallucinations are the product of a diseased mind and honestly isn't it better to have demons that you can chase away with holy water than having a diseased brain that's having hallucinations??? Every time he said the word 'hallucinations' he got visibly agitated. So I suggested we stop calling them Hallucinations. That's a loaded word with so much baggage it isn't helpful anymore. We're calling them "Magentas" now. Wait, why "Magentas"? Maybe-- MAYBE-- your mind IS perceiving SOMETHING that the rest of us aren't seeing. Maybe it's a shift in electromagnetism. Maybe it's a stray neutrino whizzing past. Maybe it's a shift in temperature that's so subtle the rest of us can't detect it, but to your DMT-opened mind, you're seeing it as, well, like the rest of us see magenta when there is (say it with me now) objectively no magenta outside of the human mind. Because, just like Magenta, your brain meat is being ticked by SOMETHING, but what you're seeing isn't what's actually there. But, also yes, I can see the scary face in the wallpaper design if I squint, so he's not crazy for your newly-opened mind to see some pareidolia-- Let's just avoid looking at things that look like scary faces, ok? So that's Step 2: Take the power out of the word "Hallucinations" by calling them something powerless. In this case, Magenta. (Also, stop staring at the wallpaper if it scares you.) Yes, haha, clever fae trick. Steal a thing's true name and it no longer holds power over you, I guess? Step 3 is trickier because you just have to be there for the person and reassure them that while yes, it was a crazy experience, they are not crazy for seeing things after doing DMT and yes they can cancel the upcoming re-baptism and when his parents get cranky at you because they LIKED that their son was suddenly so desperate for church and they hate that your solution does NOT involve getting blessed several times a week or getting re-baptized, you have to NOT scream at them that their fucked up religiosity was the entire reason their son thought his soul was being devoured by demons from hell. (Even though you'd be entirely right for doing so, because it's 100% their fucking fault their kid has deep-seated guilt that's manifesting as hallucinations from the drugs he took to escape his parents profound disappointment that he doesn't want to fuck who they want him to fuck.) K is now doing better. It's been a month, and not only has the severity of his.... Magentas..... Lessened, but the frequency and duration have also dwindled to levels that are manageable and he's confident that eventually they'll vanish entirely. All because Tumblr did a science on us. Now.... If anyone can drop some science that I can spin into an analogy that gets rid of night terrors, K would be grateful. I'd also be delighted to know if this works for anyone else. Please reblog and maybe someone with a grant budget can do a clinical test and will be forced to cite Tumblr as a source.

[usertoxicyaoi]

no bc. like. the eighth sense is getting EVERYTHING right.

it's compelling. like. you feel like you KNOW where the storyline is going, what's going to happen next, and then BHAM! NO! something entirely different happens. its never boring. and it makes the wait for the next episode jittery and anxious and it leaves you on tenterhooks BUT THAT'S THE POINT! its meant to leave you guessing. its got this "impending sense of doom" vibe to it that i referred to in a previous post, but that describes the current vibe of jaewon and jihyun's relationship and the atmosphere surrounding it: its thrilling.

characters can breathe!!! and we can breathe with them! jaewon and jihyun are allowed to have scenes where its just them alone, immersed in a hobby that THEY like, and you're there with them! they get to have scenes with so many other people that aren't just with each other. they get to form real relationships with their boss, their therapist, their new and old friends. and each relationship and dynamic brings something new, each dynamic formed between jaewon or jihyun and the people around them is made to allow a certain type of conversation to be had for jaewon and jihyun that they can't really have with someone who isn't that character, for example jihyun can only really openly speak to his boss in the same way jaewon can to yoonwon or his therapist. jihyun can't talk in that same manner to anyone else, nor can jaewon. at the same time, it also soooo BEAUTIFULLY illustrates how performative we can become in certain relationships and situations and around certain people, and how unhealthy and detrimental that can be for us - look at jaewon and taehyung, who are meant to be best friends, but are anything but it.

its such a QUEER show. it takes the small little scenes you'd normally see in a white western heterosexual movie, like the two love interests linking their pinky fingers together to then clasping each other's hands and smiling shyly to the side, to sitting opposite one another on a train and just gazing and gazing and gazing at one another, to calling a taxi after your not-a-date-but-its-so-a-date to go home in and the taxi is literally stood right there waiting but you can't let each other go ..... its taken all those cliche scenes and made them feel so ... new and fresh and vibrant and so so QUEER and any queer person watching the show FEELS those butterflies in their stomach.

oh to see a main character who is asian and queer actually GO TO therapy, and imply that jaewon has been going for 10 whole years to therapy. to have his mental illness be given a name (depression!), to have him talk about his issues so openly!!, to discuss what the struggles of being in your mid-twenties feel like!! to see him talk about how burdensome he finds it being "nice" to everyone and wearing a mask all the time and ultimately his therapist telling him straight that, "in fact, in life, you don't need to be loved by everyone." or when jihyun's boss stood up for him and fought eunji over how she treated him bc she KNOWS jihyun would never bc he isnt a confrontational person, but jihyun's boss did not stand for it, and how she continues to just give him the correct life advice as and when he needs it.

the romance. the chemistry. the way jaewon and jihyun pull you into their bubble. the way you feel the excitement and joy and apprehension and tension and heartache and disappointment between the two of them. YOU feel it. and thats all down to the way the show has been shot and the muuuuusic (oh my god the muuuuusic) and the way the camera is used. it makes it feel personal. in first person. not you watching them, but rather, you BEING them. the way you can FEEL how nervous and anxious jihyun gets when he is in ANY kind of social situation. how you can FEEL the quiet anger and the exhaustion from being so performative and the lack of patience in jaewon like a ticking timebomb when he's around taehyung. you do, you just FEEL it.

anyway. the eighth sense might just be (who am i kidding, it already is) on its way to claim the title for the best bl of 2023, and its only april.

[eroticwound]

I love your thoughts on The Bear. Particularly the Berzatto siblings. I was wondering if you could talk about Mikey. And possibly his relationship with Richie. Outside of the internet when I talk to peers about the show people are quick to demonize or dislike Mikey. They cite his behavior with Lee and his taking part in ganging up on Carmy with Donna as reasons why. Also, how Richie was so desperate to get away from the beef.

I would love to hear your opinion about how this could be someone’s impression of Mikey. And how you would describe Mikey to someone who maybe isn’t seeing the whole picture? Or just how you would describe Mikey as a person in general.

And do you think his relationship with Richie was very one sided? Do you think it was always Mikey in the lead? I’ve read some fic that truly makes Mikey terrible to Richie.

Hi anon. Thanks for this incredibly thought out ask. Cannot emphasize enough how much I enjoy getting questions like this :)

Michael Berzatto is a complicated guy and he’s a guy we don’t get a lot of screen time with. That’s by design. He’s the character haunting this narrative. Mikey is the Laura Palmer of The Bear (I have that disease where I see everything through the prism of Twin Peaks), and as such we get to know him mostly through people’s grief. Through their imperfect memories. We’re left missing him just as much as any other character. And while I would love a feature length movie showing Mikey’s last days a la Fire Walk with Me, I very much doubt we will get that. So we’re left to figure out this complicated character with scraps.

For these reasons, I do get why people don't understand Mikey. As you mention, they are literally not given anything close to a whole picture. In fact the screen time we have most with him is during Fishes, when he is quite literally at his worst. If people only saw scenes where Carmen was yelling at people in the kitchen or where Richie was being sexist to Syd, I'm sure they'd have a poor opinion of them as well (in fact, being in this fandom after the first season, I can confirm that most of tumblr disliked Richie).

The healthiest we see Michael is in the Ceres flashback in season 1. He’s exactly how everyone describes him: loud, brash, funny. Both Carmy and Richie are just having the best time, completely immersed in the story he's telling. Even Nat’s having a great time, though both brothers stop her from adding raisins, which is Donna’s recipe for the dish they're making (side note, I find it so interesting that Nat is the one trying to follow their mom’s recipe. She's still trying to please Donna, to garner favor, whereas the boys, who Donna relies on in the kitchen and emotionally, feel fine deviating from Donna’s recipe). Even beyond the Ceres flashback, we do get flashes of what makes Mikey great in Fishes: the opening is him checking in on Natalie, he's really sweet and engaging with Carmen in the pantry, and even though Carmy doesn't take Mikey and Richie trying to set him up with Claire well, it's still proof that Mikey cares.

The thing is Mikey is mentally ill, like Donna and like Carmen. He’s dealing with some sort of chemical imbalance (depression or bipolar) on top of the severe parentification he got from Donna. I talk about it at length in my unfinished series delving into the partentification of the Berzatto siblings. As I point out in those posts, Mikey is actually the sibling getting the worst of the parentification, which is a form of abuse where there is a role-reversal between parent and child. Nat can't morph herself easily to accommodate Donna's dysfunction (she un-normalizes it), so she gets Donna's ire instead. Carmen was also parentified, especially when Mikey was out of the house growing up (they have such an age gap), but Mikey was the oldest. He has high EQ and can morph himself to accommodate Donna's dysfunction. It has in fact shaped him into the person he is. Which is someone who is trying to avoid all of the bad: bad outbursts from Donna, bad feelings from his siblings, bad reactions from outsiders to their family dynamic. He's also trying very hard to avoid the bad emotions he's feeling. Michael is looking to avoid all of this through any means necessary, which includes using alcohol and drugs. As I mention in that parentification meta series, using substances is quite literally the only way he's managing his distress.

I want to talk about each point you mention people citing as to why they don't like Michael. But first, I want to preface it by pointing out that Michael has been forced to move back in with Donna. His failed business ventures and poor mental health have forced him back into this scenario that is NOT GOOD FOR HIM. That scene where Cousin Michelle says to Carm that it's not good for him to be in this environment? Well, it's not good for any of the Berzatto siblings. And throughout the episode, you can tell how exhausted Mikey is by it. By having to fulfill his role as Donna's pseudo-partner.

So let's start with Michael and Donna ganging up on Carmen in the kitchen. When Donna and Mikey do this they are functioning as a parental unit. This is the perfect example of Mikey's parentification at work, of Michael acting as Donna's partner. It's what he's been trained to do to maintain the delicate ecosystem of that house. Donna's emotional state is given top priority. Everyone else's emotions fall to the wayside in light of what she's feeling, otherwise you get fallout like her crashing her car into the house. Mikey talks to Nat about this at the start of the episode:

What do you think she's at right now? A 4? A 5? She's not at a 6.

The siblings literally have a rating system for Donna's moods. They're all trying to avoid escalation above all else. Michael in particular. So in that scene with Carm in the kitchen, Mikey is trying to keep things from escalating. This is something Carmen knows too—hell, it's the first thing Carmen asks Mikey to do in Fishes:

Hey Mikey can you come inside and be you for a little bit, I don't know how to deal with these people.

Carmy needs Michael to come fill his role of buffer between guests and their family. Carmy, notably, gets Donna duty—a role I'm sure Mikey filled before Carmen came along. I say this based on Donna calling Carmen "Michael" when he's trying to coax her to the dinner table at the end of the episode. She's implying talking to her like this is what Michael does. When the people you know irl cite this moment, unfortunately this is the rebuttal: this is Mikey's role. Donna needs his emotional support. Otherwise she'd be more abusive towards Nat and Carm. Michael is doing it for the greater good.

As for Lee, that's another great example of soooo much being implied. Lee, along with Cicero, were best friends with their father, and it is heavily implied that Lee and Donna had a fling or two after their dad fucks off (whether Mr. Berzatto is dead or a deadbeat, who’s to say?). When Lee is helping Donna clean shit off the floor, Mikey grabs a beer from the fridge and asks if they are "doing this again." Basically, Lee and Donna have been romantic before. This means Lee would have been around erratically growing up. And it's clear Michael and Lee have a historic antagonism because of this. Lee's first interaction with Michael in the episode has him threatening to "lay [Michael] out." This screams to me that Lee stepped into the man of the house role, and that Mikey and him had altercations that got physically violent. That's why Mikey says at the dinner table, "I can throw forks cuz this is my father's house." That feels very much like something a kid would say to a man who is trying to replace a missing father. And it's especially heated, because it is Michael who has had to consistently step into the man of the house role for Donna and for his siblings! Michael couldn't leave like Lee when Donna and him broke up. Living with Donna and keeping his siblings ok is daily life for Michael.

So all through the episode, Lee is poking a bear (Mikey Bear to be exact). Lee calls him out about telling the same old stories, embarrasses him in front of everyone by revealing he's borrowed money from Cicero and had to move back in with Donna. Lee has been explicitly disrespecting him. And maybe if Mikey was in a better place, he would have been able to roll with it, but as I mentioned before, Mikey is not in a good place. He's depressed, he's been drinking and taking something (pain pills?) to manage the stress he's under. Him throwing forks is not a lucid reaction. Frankly, if people don't also blame Lee for that outburst, then they really weren't paying attention during the episode.

Finally, onto the Richie portion of your question. Richie’s family is something I would *love* to get more canon info about. All we know is that he's not Italian but Polish, his home life wasn’t great, his dad sucked, and Donna allowed him over so often that he’s practically her fourth child.

Richie and Michael grew up together. They're best friends, practically family. It's why Richie is "cousin." Michael's relationship with Richie is his closest relationship. Everyone says Mikey was their best friend, but Mikey's actual best friend was Richie. Period. And there's some complicated jealousy between Carmen and Richie because of what each is to Michael: Carmy's jealous of Richie and Michael's genuine closeness, and Richie is jealous that Mikey has special regard for Carmen as his actual brother. You see this jealousy in the very first episode of the show during that first walk-in fight: Richie was there for Mikey, buried Mikey and took care of Donna, and yet Mikey left the restaurant to Carmen. Left the money in cans for Carmen, so he could fulfill their dream restaurant together. There's honestly some great fic out there that goes into this jealousy. I'll come back to link it if I can find it.

Bottom line is that Richie was the closest person in Mikey's life. They have the same humor, the same life experiences. They had each other's backs. So when you ask if Richie and Michael's relationship was one-sided, I'm going to answer with a resounding no. They're literally besties. It's just by Fishes, Michael has deteriorated. His depression and drug abuse and failures have shrunk his life. Just compare where they're both at: Michael's moved back in with his mom, is single, and is telling the same old stories from their youth. Richie, on the other hand, might have anxiety (the xanax from Dogs <3), but he's in a stable and loving relationship and has a child on the way. That's why Richie asks Cicero for a job—not to get away from Mikey, but to make more money for his expanding family. And yes, he wants to amount to something more than working at a sandwich shop, but hell, so does Mikey. Neither of them want that for the rest of their lives. It's why Michael tried other business ventures. They fail, so he's stuck at The Beef. But it's a weight around his neck bringing him down. He says as much to Carmen when they're in the pantry:

Yeah but the place is no good, Carmy. It's a fucking nightmare. Like trust me I'm doing you a favor.

He even tries to set it on fire for the insurance money! Only Carmen sees the potential.

As for whether it was always Mikey taking the lead, I do think there's some merit to that. Mikey is talked about as more charming than Richie. You see it in Ceres when the edit compares Mikey telling the Bill Murray story to Richie telling the Bill Murray story to his date. Mikey is loud and funny and can "dial a room." Richie can too, but I think Mikey has more finesse. Still, they rely on each other. They back each other up. Michael would hook people with the stories, and Richie would embellish and inject at the right points or reel Mikey in when needed. They supported each other and worked together. I think any fic you might be reading that's demonizing Michael isn't accurate to his character and is actually falling into a pretty common fic trope: if the focus is Character A, then a fic author will cast Character B as the villain in order to serve whatever they're writing, twisting and embellishing the traits of Character B until they’re barely recognizable. Could Mikey be dismissive and hard to contain? Sure, but I don't think that means he didn't love Richie, or was undemonstrative with his affections. Even when Michael was out of it on drugs, they still had a very close relationship—Richie says so. In fact, everything Richie says about Michael supports this. I see zero support in canon for their relationship being one-sided. I'll say it again, they loved each other.

So this is how I would describe Mikey: loud, funny, obnoxious. He could dial a room. He cared deeply for his family, friends, and employees. He suffered parentification and has some sort of chemical imbalance. In fact, because he was charming and loud and funny, people could ignore his deterioration. Even Richie says, "he was Mikey Bear! I thought he'd come out of it," because he was able to come out of it up to that point. But after decades of not treating the problem, the only solution Michael could see was killing himself. He's a complicated character. He's a tragic character. He's the Laura Palmer of The Bear.

[peculiaritty]

Joker: Foile A Deux Trauma studys / analysis

Hello!! im back to rambling again. A few disclaimers, this will include the first Joker movie and Joker: Foile A Deux spoilers. if you want to go watch these films i suggest you do so. This might be split up into two parts TRIGGER WARNINGS -> Rape -> violence and death -> child abuse -> Mental disorders

I would first like to state, that i want you to view these movies as separate to the DC/marvel universe. The most common critique i find is how "out of character" he is. These two movies have a very realistic take on what a 'joker' may look like in the real world, and in no way from my knowledge does it actually represent the comics. I'm not a huge DC/Marvel fan, but i know the basics. If you do disagree with my opinion, thats fine! Some things i will be covering -> Arthur Flecks background -> Statement on society -> Arthur fleck vs The 'Joker' -> Trauma study -> What does The 'Joker' actually represent?

Part 2: -> Arthur Fleck and Lee Quinzel -> Soundtrack -> Abuse of the mentally ill/Instuitional abuse -> Is Arthur Fleck really the Joker? -> The audiences reaction -> Statement on society 2 -> Sumup -> Arthur Flecks background I first want to say. HOLY. Arthur Fleck has quite the story behind him. The first time we meet him, he is trying his best to work as a Clown. Unfortunately due to a brain injury from being beat as a kid, it gives him his uncontrollable laugh (which i will note, actually only ever comes out when he's in strong emotions. We usually see this trigger when he's nervous.) His support service drops him due to the lack of funding, which already says alot about Gotham. Throughout the film we can see how dreary and grey Arthurs life is. So as a (non comic book reader) we can assume that there is a pretty big poor/rich split. He is constantly bullied, mocked, jeered, and rejected for his laugh, and for himself. He is even MOCKED by his idol on live television. ouch. -> Statement on society

Even on a surface level, you can already tell this is not the most friendly society to be in. And this- believe it or not is the common truth for alot of people. Support services are unfunded, constantly full, and in worse scenarios some people who work their do not even care for the people who need help. In Gotham, and our real world, there is an intolerance for people who do not fit the standard. For someone like Arthur, he is always excluded because of his laugh. Mental illness has a very big, heavy stigma around it. To use a support service to some people is 'leeching' off the government and is a waste of time. Going back to the lack of support service funding, the brutal reality in this movie is that the government does not care for these people. They live constant miserable lives, but as long as the rich get richer, the poor get poorer. This is true to reality.

-> Arthur fleck vs The 'Joker'

There is a clear, and very obvious split between them. In the first movie, we can slowly see this shift to the 'Joker'. It flicks on fast in the first movie, him dancing in the bathroom slowly is almost as if a switch has occured. This is more present in the 2nd movie, Arthur has completely come down from this identity, but as the delusion comes back in, his gestures start to change, he starts to dance more, smoking more. While i cannot describe it in text, there are just certain body movements that i see between them. The joker is confident, and charismatic, everything Arthur Fleck wanted to be. While Arthur fleck is very Awkward and quiet, not as performative or confident. I think Joker is the very person Arthur wanted to be. Aside from the murders. Arthur has always wanted to entertain people, make them happy, be the center of attention. But unfortunately that never come while he was "Arthur". People argue that this Joker is objectively bad, but i quite adore it. When we look at the original joker (or my view on the original joker) we see him as psychopathic and narcissistic. This Joker we have now is a kind of Joker that allows us to see how he got to that point. I think there is a point to say (this will tie into the thing i will discuss soon) that out of most of his crimes, 3 would be considered self defense. The other 3 you might consider passionate murders. this does NOT make him innocent. But i like that there is a particular reason he targeted these people. Its not "just because" There is a reason to Arthur. All of these people have mocked, and looked down upon him. Including his own Mother.

-> Trauma study

His first source of trauma. His own mother. IT is shown and quite literally said he was severely abused. When the police found him he was left tied to a radiator, starved, malnourished, bruised and severely brain damaged which led to his laughing condition. The child protection services gave him right back to his mom. this is also a huge let down of a system, and it happens day to day to alot of unfortunate children.

He traumablocked (This is a protective mechanism the brain uses to protect you from the harsh reality) this pretty hard in his adulthood, and continues to care for his Mother. So of course when he eventually learnt all of this, he flew into a rage and killed her. It is that heartbreaking. Arthur thought his mother loved him, but the truth was she despised him.

It even hurts more considering what his mother has told him, "you were brought to bring joy to this world" in response to him being upset over his laugh. she was ANNOYED at him for taking this seriously. She shit talked him to their own damn neighbor. ouch. ouch. ouch. Constantly excluded, bullied and alone, he keeps more to himself. With all he has been through he would grow to of course have poor psychological health. Its not explicitly stated what he has, just that he was taking medication, and how he has symptoms of "5 minor disorders" (Also, another let down of the system. This comes from the psychiatrist in the court room that only had a 90 minute chat with him. There is clearly alot more wrong with him. Or at the very least, far from being 'minor') I would no go as far as to say he has DID. his mental illness/condition stays vague throughout the film. He is stated to take antipsychotics, a bunch of them, but nothing is ever named. His symptoms are very foggy and all over the place. His hallucinations (fantasys, daydreaming? it can be said to be different things), his negative thoughts, and even later, aggression. The sudden 'split' when he gets triggered. When the 'Joker wakes up' there is nothing i can certaintly pinpoint down. For the Joker himself, you could point out that he still retains the NPD from the original character. Arthur has come to form what we might call an anxious attachment, willing to cling to whatever he comes across, putting his whole heart into it. Even if it means being hurt in the end. His psyche is very disturbed and broken down due to the years of constant abuse and being let down by the system, and by the intolerant society around him. This is not all of his traumas throughout these two movies, but i'll save the rest for my other points. -> What does The 'Joker' actually represent?

Those first 3 deaths are what set society off. Those first 3 deaths, were well- men who were high in society and treated others poorly. Joker became a symbol. 'Joker' to the people is someone who represents the people who suffer at the hands of the rich, 'Joker' is someone who breaks society norms and is willing to speak for himself. 'Joker' is the person who is willing to stand up against the government. These people love and adore 'Joker' because he is different. he is bold. in their eyes he is a vigilante. A hero.

Part 2 coming sooner or later!! Thanks for reading <3

[crazycoke-addict]

How Scream VI parallels the Depp Vs Heard Trial

It's been two years since the Virginia trial took place, while it's been three years involving the UK trial. In the UK trial, Johnny Depp was certified as a wife-beater that The Sun called him and was found to abuse and sexually assaulted Amber Heard 12 of 14 incidents. Johnny Depp is proven to be an abuser by the jury. The concept of this trial with Depp suing amber for mentioning him in her op-ed was told by the jury to never speak about the abuse despite never doing that in the first place.

2022 was the worst years for Amber , considering that she dealt with mockery and was humiliated by the public while forcing to talk about the abuse that she suffered by Depp. The Depp vs. Heard Case has been the most talked about trial in history. While some tv shows have tackled the topic on what happened to have their characters parallel the real life counterparts. A few only showed the perspective of the victim whose dealing with the consequences of defending themselves.

In Scream (2022), it revealed that Richie Kirsch is one of the ghostface killers along with a 17 year old amber freeman. I bring age into this because it is actually important to Johnny Depp as a person. Richie is killed by Sam, where she stabs him 22 times. After the events of Scream (2022), Gale Weathers would end up writing a book about what happened. She describes Sam as being "mentally unstable and a born killer." While I'm not a fan of what they did to Gale. She's represents the media, and now the media will twist things.

Throughout the Scream franchise, Gale Weathers has a tremendous redemption arc, and her relationship with Sidney improves as the movies go. Gale Weather is the media, and while she writes non-fictional books about the ghostface murders. She still writes it like it's fictional. While I'm not sure how she portrayed Sidney in her 3 books involving her. Her book "Requel: Terror Return to Woodsboro" appears to portray Sam as mentally ill and has violent tendencies to make her be the killer rather than the victim.

News articles like The Daily Mail have portrayed Amber as the abuser and taking things out of context to make her look like she's the crazy one. That the Misinformation and the incorrect portrayal of amber will also stem from misogyny.

It wouldn't be that far fetch if in the Scream universe, there are youtube videos of people releasing misinformation about Sam. When Sam and Tara were leaving the police station, one of the reporters asked Tara if she felt safe with her sister. In one scene, Sam gets cherry coke thrown at her where she reacts to it while the girls throw insults at Sam. Later on the news, they cut the part where the girl throws the coke at Sam. So it looks like Sam was trying to attack this girl for no reason.

This parallels Amber Heard when the audio was released back in 2020. They only released the edited version, so important parts were cut out to make Amber look like a liar and an abuser.

In Scream VI, it revealed that there are three ghostface killers. Detective Bailey and his kids Quinn Bailey and Ethan Landry. While I'm unsure who Ethan represents. Detective Bailey seems to represent lawyers like Adam Waldman. Detective Bailey turns out to the father of Richie Kirsch who enabled his son's behaviour involving his love for movies which is similar to Adam Waldman enabling Depp's behaviour towards Amber by volunteering to help.

While Quinn represents people like Lauren B and That Umbrella Guy by helping her father to smear and ruin Sam's name and reputation since everybody is going to believe the bad things in people. This is more so punishment towards Sam for fighting back, similar to Amber.

Johnny Depp and Richie Kirsch even have similarities to each other. Earlier, I mentioned Amber Freeman's age as she is 17 years old while Richie is in his mid-20s. Because Amber Freeman was Richie's accomplice and met her at a Stab reddit forum. Richie does represent redditers who groomed underage girls. The way he portrayed himself as this dorky, kind person similar to how Johnny Depp portrayed himself as this calm, nice guy who just wants to make music.

In reality, Richie Kirsch and Johnny Depp are both predators who prey on girls who are 20-30 years younger than them. They are also both abusers with Richie wanting to kill Sam while Depp wanting to humiliate Amber.

Both Amber Heard and Sam Carpertner suffered from the perfect victim. Where as Perfect Victim they must act a certain way. This mean not fighting back and talking bad about their own abuser. However, the perfect victim doesn't exist. In both situations, Amber and Sam have described as their abusers to be man babies who cry and complain like little babies when they do fight back.

What they're doing is standing up and throwing their feelings out due to the abuse that they both had to suffer. It is something a victim wanted to say for a long time, but they didn't think they had the courage to do so.

[tenpintsofsundrop]

i know that this is such a random question, but...

for the Titans show, do you think all of the cast for the show fit their characters? or do you think there could've been someone else to play their role?

(tbh I love random questions like this omg. I love any chance to discuss Titans at length)

And genuinely, I wouldn't change any of the casting.

It's actually so interesting, because Titans is the first piece of live action DC media that I have gotten really sentimentally attached to. I was always a bigger fan of DC than Marvel because I always enjoyed the Batman films, and I did watch episodes of the Justice League cartoon in passing, or I watched other random animated Batman movies or Justice League movies and really enjoyed them - and I have always enjoyed how DC has so many different styles and tones across each piece of media, rather than the homogeneous boring schlock that Marvel puts out.

Young Justice was the first piece of DC media in general that I got really, really personally attached to, because @nctzenkane is a huge DC fan (and when we first met, it was one of the first things we ever talked about that made me start falling for him) - and he really sparked my interest in certain things and caused me to convert my casual enjoyment of it to a very hardcore nerdom. And him encouragining me to watch Young Justice was definitely the first step in me becoming a full blown DC nerd.

And he also encouraged me to watch Titans - just because Ryan Potter is hot in it - and it's so funny because Jaycen is not even the biggest Titans fan, but I developed such a distinct emotional attachment to it. So in my mind, all of the actors for those characters in Titans - they just are the live action versions. Whenever I am reading fanfiction of those characters, no matter what version the writing is talking about - I always picture the Titans cast in my head.

I know there has been a lot of (idk how to phrase it) controversy? Around Curran Walters as Jason Todd because people think that he's not bulky enough to be Jason and people think he somehow should have shredded and bulked up to become Red Hood?

Honestly, I am fucking relieved that the show didn't pressure him to make major changes to his body just because in the comic books he magically went from a skinny fifteen year old kid to the hulking body of a 6.4" shredded pro wrestler (for those of you who don't know, I have described it as: The Pit makes comic Jason go from looking like Titans Jericho to looking like Titans Hank in five minutes) - like there is already so many gross unrealistic body standards when it comes to men in superhero roles. There doesn't need to be more

And in terms of emotions, and the actual acting, Curran is literally the best fit for Jason possible in my opinion. He brings so much power and depth to Jason's scenes, he makes the character eager and excitable yet worn and jaded at the same time, and he makes Jason's mental illness and struggles so layered and relatable.

One thing about Titans, is that they have some of the most phenomenal actors ever. They might not have the best special effects, or storylines/writing that makes the most sense - but the actors take the material and elevate it so fucking much.

Ryan Potter brought so much depth to Gar (which is something I could rant about for hours), Brenton balances Dick's hardened outer shell and his tender moments so fucking well, Anna makes Kory such a pensive and thoughtful character beyond being just intensely powerful and 'badass' (not to mention, casting a black woman in that role was a risk with whiny fanboys complaining about POC on screen and I am sure she puts up with way too much bullying and hate because of it), and Tegan was so young when she started as Rachel, but she brought an intensity and professionalism that carried Rachel so well (especially during the first season, where her character was the focus) that not many other young actors could have pulled off.

And that is just the core four - I could also go into how Joshua Orpin balances Conner's anger, inner turmoil, and troubled mind with his naive optimism of seeing the world for the first time so well.

And genuinely, I don't think Hawk and Dove could have been played by anyone else than who was cast.

And not only that, but from what we do see of the behind the scenes, it feels like Titans is a true passion project for all of them, and that's why they put so much care into these characters (even if the writers sometimes neglect the details). I think the actors bring so much to the show.

I think possibly my only 'what if' - would have been Tim Drake being an Asian character as originally planned?

And this is absolutely no hate to Jay Lycurgo, I think he did end up being fantastic in the role. He plays the character wonderfully, balancing Tim's bright optimism, gentle fears/insecurities and heroic confidence well.

But I think a visibly Asian character who is clearly connected to their heritage would have been really great to have on screen, and it would have only added to the amazing array of representation in the show. And as far as Asian actors go, I don't know who I would replace him with. (Especially because I think it's interesting when lesser known/up and coming actors play these roles, and all the ones I can think of are popular from other things, or too old to play this role???)

But I do think that it's really cool how he was also in The Batman, so there could be headcanons of him also being Tim Drake in that universe (which I haven't seen anyone mention?)

But overall, I wouldn't change anything fundamental about the cast of Titans. I think they are amazing and I think they did their job so well. They made the show what it truly is for me. They made it close to my heart.

[lokiinmediasideblog]

hi! :D you've said before that you see mcu loki as ND-coded, and i'm curious about your specific thoughts on that. personally, i've mostly thought about this in terms of acquired mental illness stemming from trauma, but if i'm interpreting you correctly, you see him as innately neurodivergent? which is a fun + interesting take. are you thinking of a specific diagnosis, and/or is there a specific moment that stands out to you as ND Behaviour, or is it more of an overall vibe?

It started by thinking of Loki being ND-coded metaphorically, but I think he shows some behaviors. I will be breaking this down into actual behaviors and metaphors. I have ADHD, so I tend to skew his diagnosis towards that or AuDHD (and I have a mutual that thinks BPD also fits rather well and they're welcome to join in, lol).

Metaphors (movies):

1. The Jotun reveal. Aliens and changelings (both of which Loki is in cannon to Asgard) are common in metaphors to describe autism. From both the ND’s perspective as being in “Another planet” and from the NT’s perspective.

“A persistent trope in some autism communities is that autistic people are aliens, or, symmetrically, that non-autistic people seem like aliens to autists. Some autists are attracted to the metaphor of the alien to describe their own condition, or to say that they find other people alien (Hacking, 2009).”

“In addition to failure to thrive, before the development of modern medicine and psychiatry, it is very likely that any number of childhood disorders were interpreted as stolen children. Several modern authors have suggested that, in pre-scientific eras, children born with autism and other developmental disorders were probably considered changelings (Ashliman 1997; Wing and Potter 2002). By the late nineteenth century, science had begun to provide non-supernatural explanations for children who did not thrive or otherwise did not meet the normal expectations for a healthy infant, and belief in changelings faded. ”

2. Loki does not fit in at Asgard, the only home he’s known. His friends are actually Thor’s rather than his, and seem to tolerate him rather than like him.

3. Loki also gets blamed for misdeeds without good evidence: The W4 start suspecting a crown prince based on an enemy’s words and they assume Loki wants to harm Asgard. I think it’s important to note that they don’t assume he just wants the crown; they assume in his very short reign, that he’ll harm Asgard, which is never in his plans. And it’s unlikely they cared about Jotunheim since they wanted Thor back right away.

A parallel to being ND is that people distrust and even villainize you due to your mannerisms (e.g. “weird and quiet”). And I’ve talked about how I think Asgard promotes a very ridiculously straight forward mannerisms on its population to make self-policing easier. So Loki’s mannerisms must have clashed with the general population’s for them to distrust them so easily.

4. Loki’s main power-set being illusions, and unbeknownst to him, being changed into something he wasn’t born as (Jotun -> Asgardian), is a power-set analogous to masking (i.e. the process through which NDs camouflage themselves to fit in better).

Masking involves a lot of rehearsing and suppression to act in a more socially acceptable way. → Loki also needs to be useful to be appreciated

5. Thor being preferred for acting in ways deemed more socially acceptable by Asgard and Odin. A personal experience from me is getting shit to this day about how I was “so difficult as a toddler, unlike your brother!” and some mean comment about how I made life hell because they couldn’t take me to public places.

Some traits Loki showcases (and seem relatable to my ADHD-ass):

1. Tendency to fidget (in the movies and series). I think it’s even more noticeable in the series, where he’s doing random shit with stamps and hammers while he speaks to people (S2E1 talking with OB). It’s like he can’t stay still.

2. I pulled something very similar to the salad scene around an older mentor figure. It was rice I kept squishing in my hand while going off in a rant. My former mentor found my behavior amusing, for the most part, and never let me live that down.

3. Tendency to info-dump about how his magic works.

4. Poor impulse control (Loki series, gets drunk in a train, and cut Sif’s hair just because ← I HC he wanted to sabotage the relationship out of fear of vulnerability).

And that’s on top of the trauma-based extreme fear of abandonment he showcases in pretty much everything he’s been in.

Badly-formatted Sources:

Hacking, Ian. (2009) https://www.jstor.org/stable/40543987

[clatoera]

I’m really curious to know how you became interested in Clato… they’re such minor characters I never gave them much thought

LOL bestie I wish I knew. My initial response was just “i’m mentally ill 🫶🏻” (and the other clove girlies will tell you that too). But in reality this interest can be traced back to being 14 when the movie came out. I liked to look at them so that helped.

But my like… thing?… was the “bad guys”. In everything I did/watched/read I liked the bad guy, I wanted to humanize them, I wanted to like justify them and whatever their stories were. That can be directly correlated to my obsession with Wicked which made me start saying “everyone is so misunderstood and arent bad!!” Which at the least is correct with the careers who are literally children. So I already had this thing for humanizing and justifying the bad guys so that was part of it.

The other part is the book, when Clove dies. That never screamed Platonic to me. It could have been but my childhood brain said nope ❤️. It stood out that Katniss, who has spent the whole book literally describing him as a monster, pause to note this was happening and I think it shocked her as much as anyone else? Like THAT was his humanizing moment in the book, not his speech on the cornucopia (which, I also do like!). But yeah. In the book we don’t see him as a teenage boy with feelings until, instead of following Katniss or the person who stole what they desperately needed, he kneels beside this dying girl and begs her to stay with him. And naturally my little girl brain latched onto it.

Thirdly was fandom space which is probably the MOST important. I think I was reading everlark fic that had Clato in the background and I was like..curious about it? And I then dug through that archive and got latched on and hooked on Clato. Truly. It was the fans and the fanfic archive that gave them life and depth and pulled me in. I can actually still remember the exact fic it was that hooked me good, and my own clato fics from like 2012-2014 are still out there in the ether (which i do not claim). So the largest thing was for sure fandom spaces and fic!

And yeah! So here I am. 25. Writing and reading about Clato still. I think more so now I realize what children they really were, and how at the end of the day literally all the careers were just kids who were trained to be the best and wanted to make people proud. Thats deeply relatable to me, too, even more so now. When I read the Hunger Games at that age I didn’t really pick up the depth of the horror either. I just liked them and thought they were cool, and thought katniss and peeta were endgame. Now, at 25, the horror actually strikes me. Thats why I actually have tended to write these kids older and older too- so as their brains develop they also start to see it.

Thank you!! This was weirdly fun to reflect on.

[eldritchsurveys]

1290.

energizer battery What brings you joy (what lights up your life)? >> The Configuration: making new discoveries (or seeing old ones in new ways) in my endless cosmos is an infinite source of joy. But honestly, I'm beginning to feel like joy is more a state of being, a paradigm to operate from, a natural condition of an attuned nervous system, than something gained from outside influence. Obviously outside influences can enhance, compound, or even detract from joy, but it arises from me first. If I am not operating from that state of curiosity and potentiality and expansion, nothing can force me into it, not even the things I love.

If you had endless energy and stamina, how would you spend your days? >> When I am at my peak energy levels, I mostly just do the same things I always do, but with peak enthusiasm and focus. I also tend to do more household tasks, so that non-peak-energy me isn't saddled with a bunch of shit to do when it needs to rest. So, I guess that's the answer. Lots of video games and movies and walks but also the dishes would always be done.

What mental or physical space do you go when you want to recharge or relax? >> I usually just chill in my bed, and if I really need a reset I retreat into the Configuration for a while.

When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? What happened? >> I don't think I've ever done this. I've laughed so hard I couldn't catch my breath, though. I always feel like I'm in that scene from the last Dark Tower book when that happens so it's lowkey kind of frightening as a result. Anyway, I don't remember the last time that happened.

bellyache | butterflies What disgusts you? | What makes you feel repulsed? >> I'm disgusted by markedly unclean spaces, certain rank odours, certain animation styles, and people being casually cruel to other people on the Internet.

How do you want to be treated/cared for when you are physically ill? >> In my most ideal and unrealistic fantasies, I'd want someone to make me food and cups of tea and do all my care tasks for me so I can focus on resting and healing up. How do you cope with physical and/or mental hardship? >> Poorly, still. Mostly because I fall into the despair of "I have to get through this by myself" and honestly that's what makes everything so difficult. The despairing aloneness.

Did you have/use a comfort object as a child (do you continue to have one)? >> I probably did have one as a child but I wouldn't remember what it is now. My current most frequently-used comfort object is my pink Baby Gund bunny plush. She's so perfectly soft and floppy and I love her so much.

carbon monoxide detector | fire extinguisher How do you know/what are the clues that you are at verge of a breakdown? >> The thoughts. My god, the thoughts. The way my mind can suddenly start running at mach speed and spinning up the most awful, bleak, damning stories about me and the world is frankly impressive, but mostly terrifying. Everything becomes irritating and heavy and inexorably difficult, the smallest setback is the worst thing to ever happen to me and proof that I should die, the most innocuous interpersonal interaction becomes a test that I am failing (and those people definitely think I'm a worthless piece of shit), I can't do anything because I'm paralysed by fear and shame and despair, it's just... life literally turns into hell. The breakdown itself is actually a relief, because it means that I'm finally purging the agonies and I can only get better from there (after I'm numb and exhausted and listless for a few days, ofc).

When was the last time you said something you regret? What did you say? .

How do you let go when you know it is time? >> Let go of what...?

If you could describe CALM as a place, what features would it have? >> My Configuration-generated calm places tend to be very lush and colourful, sometimes open-sky but sometimes a thick canopy with dappled sunlight, but mostly I'm cradled by many plants and mosses and there are lil bugs and stuff and it's instantly very relaxing for me.

faulty door handle | baby blanket What does it mean for you to open up to another human being? >> Uhh. Well, I don't know yet. Ask me when I finally get to have that experience.

When was the last time you fell asleep on someone else's shoulder? >> I... hmm. I'm sure the last time we did this, I wasn't here yet.

Who makes you feel unconditionally loved, no strings attached? >> Can Calah.

How do you know when you love someone (any kind of love)? >> I don't yet know how it will feel to love a person in the outworld. I know what love feels like in the Configuration, but it's a depth of feeling and connection and empathic bonding that logistically cannot happen out here.

moonlight | lightning bugs | the end (lights out) What do you tend to get carried away with? >> I don't know how to answer that.

Describe the last dream you can recall having. >> I don't remember it anymore, that was a whole, like, 16 hours ago. Where do you want to end up (physically living, mentally feeling)? >> I don't know. I just know I don't want to live here.

Do you believe we have souls; do you believe in a life after death? >> I have my own consciousness that is separate from the body (which in turn has its own consciousness), but I mostly just call it that -- consciousness. I guess "soul" is also an appropriate term for it. The idea of life after death specifically is a bit irrelevant to me because I can only conceptualise myself as endlessly eternal.

When was the last time you felt that the stars had aligned in your favor? >> It was probably when some small coincidence happened, lol. Like some small thing will line up perfectly and I'll be like "ah yes, it is divinely ordained" :p

Can you identify any of the constellations in the sky? >> Orion, mostly. I haven't really tried looking for any others.

What are your hopes for tomorrow? >> I hope I do the tasks I have lined up and I hope I get to play a good few hours of video games. Who do you hope to be ten years from now? In what ways the same or different? >> I haven't given it any thought. I'm pretty occupied with who I am being now.

[rengokugutspill]

i am once again coming to lament that people have no idea what bipolar is.

I seen a post the other day about someone with borderline asking how to interact with a friend with bipolar & seriously all the comments were borderline people talking about how fucked up the bipolar person was & how the borderline poster did nothing wrong & of course it irked the fuck out of me because like, as a bipolar, I completely understood where the bipolar was coming from & pointed out isolating behavior, delusions & psychosis & basically everyone ignored me. Like, there were no other comments from people with diagnosed bipolar on the post, not even people larping to have it either. & I said I was coming from diagnosed bipolar & here's my input & it was just weird to get one heart react & go back & see many more comments but everyone ignoring the feedback of a person with the actual illness in question...

Unrelated, I started thinking about how psychosis would effect sexuality & got really curious about it. Because it feels like people still have zero idea what bipolar is, I was looking up about sexuality presented in schizophrenia & was incredibly jarred because I been saying it's easier for someone to understand where I'm coming from if I say i'm schizophrenic, & it's not to larp but like the whole thing with the above paragraph, people just do not recognize it as a mental illness that has been described as basically touching schizophrenia. I understand there are notable differences, but reading further about it now feels like schizophrenia turned into a spectrum like autism, where there's high & low functioning. So I also been say before what people tend to think when they hear "schizophrenia" is the movies stereotype of homeless person screaming on the street in their underwear, when obviously we know there are people who have it & can live successfully.

But I also started thinking one of the main factors I see as differences between the two is the obsession with patterns. & like. Don't even get me started. I have to eat food in a pattern, fold my laundry in a pattern, among other things. I was driving myself insane laying in bed the past two nights with insomnia & I couldn't stop talking to myself; running through how to explain manifestation & the hivemind & I'm like dude, if I said this to someone who was not immediately wooed by my charisma, this is literally schizophrenic.

Of course I believe in it, but still. Like, I've got it all figured out. I would just sound beyond insane if I told you.

I been thinking for a minute like, no, I might actually be schizophrenic. Which is not to take away from bipolar either, they're both equally as miserable mental illnesses. For clarification; I would not be happy for either, no matter what my diagnosis is, it still sucks.

But there weren't a lot of relevant articles because there aren't a lot of studies. & for one, people were more adamant about it being a masculine disorder & obviously how do we treat men with schizophrenia, that much like with everything else, women were getting swept under the rug. But further, apparently psychologists were saying they never asked questions about sexuality because they were worried it would frighten their patient(s).

One of the articles was mentioning comorbidity with ocd that made me squirm in the sense I was like "aw man," because defining obsessive thoughts & compulsions but also pointing out the need for order & to constantly be sorting & organizing for leisure. I was like great, this is why I'm one of the only people I know diagnosed with ADHD who is so organized... Because like I been saying for years, sorting & organizing stuff is like my favorite thing to do.

Then one had the schizophrenia overview, describing attributes in communication that made schizophrenic cases harder to understand when speaking to a patient; flat tone, random drops dialogue mid speech with a delay before picking back up, & tangents that cannot be argued with or removed. I was like great, that's literally what it's like to talk to me. One of my friends recently pointed out the random drop I have when I'm in the middle of talking & the weird delay. Of course I been known I had it for years but it definitely makes me feel like I'm being crushed.

& for clarification, my question wasn't actually drive related, because that's the only question I really see discussed. I was genuinely curious how sexuality & attraction are experience by people with delusions & abstract thinking.

Most of the sexuality studies seemed to only touch on cases of crime & abuse, but I'm thinking like what about a normal person with the mental illness, or how does this actually effect couples ?

I ended up seeing someone with a schizo diagnosis urging people to talk about it more in therapy so it can be better understood. I'd have to agree.

& I had the passing thought when I was thinking to myself about how oh wow, yeah, I'm actually crazy & this really sucks, that in the two thousands we had all those child stars lashing out & doing weird shit & it was like one after another they were diagnosed as bipolar. & then people were complaining at the time that they'll say anything is bipolar or these celebrities are larping or otherwise misdiagnosed... But from what I understand now, like no, that's it. We had a big media moment for bipolar & it was fucked up & the take away was "they're faking it for attention."

& idk, for me it just feels weird to have a delusion & hallucination based mental illness & how you have to fake that you're okay to be accepted, all your life is being told you don't have a mental illness & you just need to stop it. Like, I've been being gaslit my whole life & forced to gaslight myself about hallucinating, just to be like no, this is normal & happens to everyone & everyone is kept up at night by voices or has to always have the lights on so "people" won't stand above them when they're trying to sleep.

Like, if mine & Rengoku's son is schizophrenic I am going to embrace him for it rather than gaslight him. I can't believe this.

[pavlovianpanic]

Send ⌖ for the first 3 emotions my character feels when seeing or thinking of yours. // Josh & Bob >:3

send ⌖ for the first 3 emotions my character feels when seeing or thinking of yours • accepting • @mountainrented ( @mountaindmned )

JOSH & BOB WASHINGTON: LIKE SON, UNLIKE FATHER

respect — josh respects his father. their relationship has always been one i've pondered about, and i think that josh clearly takes a lot from his father's book (especially their interests, at least in film and horror, maybe even a bit of the outdoors, as i have josh as a snowboarder ... maybe they did that together for a while? they clearly played ball, or at least that's what josh would lead us to believe, which is oddly when he does seem a little genuine, so i wouldn't be surprised if both stories of the baseball branch are actually true, which i write about here). at the end of the day, josh's dad is the "man of the house", which i feel they follow a semi-traditional lifestyle tbh at least in the roles of their family and how they operate, and he knows his place. he is his father's first son, his heir, and this is where tension comes. josh is a natural eccentric, and i am not talking about his mental illness. just by personality, he's very goofy, can be kind of aloof while also incredibly warm, he is a creative, etc etc. he's an artist while also being very athletic, which i think his father likes, and thus he strives to be more of.

fear — i think josh has a fear of his father, but not in a way that his dad would ever hurt him ... it's a specific type of fear that sons like josh have for their fathers, who do not outwardly hurt them (strike them, scream at them) ... but i guess it is an assumption they can, thus because they can, they might actually do it. more specifically, i think this fear is like ... he is afraid of being sent away, of the power his dad has over him (the hospitalizations, the stress of being perfect like beth or even lovable like hannah while being himself ... a smart guy that's also a charming party animal that's also a nepo baby lol he's complicated ig). josh is very afraid of being hospitalized and forgotten, about being abandoned, about being isolated.

love — josh is a family man. he loves his family. they motivate him. even in his hallucination, hannah harps on the emphasis that they are together; that they are family. while josh has a complicated relationship with his dad, i think he does love him ... and i think robert does love josh in return, but i will not pretend that there is not a stressor that josh puts on his parents, his family, and the secrets they feel they have to keep from each other (josh keeping his mental illness from hannah for sure, maybe beth (who might be more savvy), and their parents keeping it from the girls, etc). i think that, even in all of the stress, josh will always love his dad. he wants to be like him, that much is kind of clear (at least to me, idk), and i think that he's taking psych because he learned so much from his dad on the job already that he wanted to be the best at making movies. i do think taking psych was also like a two-parter thing: a) for his films and b) for himself, to help himself.

a bonus: the feeling of missing someone. he misses his dad. he describes his dad as becoming too busy for him, and we don't know exactly when that was in their relationship, but it was at a time that josh had enough memories with his dad to make a lack of them hurtful to him.

[psychabolition]

I want to go off my meds. I don’t know if I admitted to myself how much I hate them until I was watching a YouTube video. It was supposed to be about movies. But it cut in to talk about the importance of medication and how mentally ill people should be sure to always take their meds. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. I’ve been taking my meds diligently over two and a half years now. I’m not better. I took my meds diligently today. It didn’t stop me from thinking about standing in the middle of the road and letting a car run me over while I was at the crosswalk. My mom talks about how she was depressed as a teen too, and how it turned out to just be a hormonal imbalance and how meds really helped her. She doesn’t understand when I tell her I don’t want them. She doesn’t understand when I have a mental breakdown at the psychiatrist’s office (the alternative is masking everything and straight up lying to her face). Or she gets mad at me. She says I expect my medication to just be “magic” and “fix everything” and that I don’t get that I have to work to get better. Which I UNDERSTAND THAT THEY WON’T FIX EVERYTHING BUT IT FEELS LIKE THEY DON’T FIX ANYTHING. I remember learning in my AP Stats class about the placebo effect, and I asked if there was a reverse version of it. Something not working because you believe it doesn’t work. My teacher said yes. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I just have to believe harder. But I want to sneakily stop taking my meds. I know my parents will be mad. They paid good money for them. But I have money. I can pay them back. I’ve tried to tell them multiple times. They won’t listen.

Well first, no matter your age and no matter what psychs or your parents tell you, You always know best who and how you are and what you need . If you feel like your meds dont help you, then they dont .

The placebo (or nocebo) effect describes how taking literal sugar pills every morning that have no effect because theres no medication in it can also make you feel a little bit better or a little bit worse simply because you believe that they have an effect - its also included in every study design as a way to test if meds actually work . They give one group sugar pills and the other gets the actual meds and then they try to find out if the medication works better than literal sugar pills. So if the only reason your meds had any positive or negative effect would be placebo or nocebo then you would be better off taking sugar pills since those at least dont make you physically dependent on them 💀💀💀 so no, you dont have to believe in meds for them to work . If antidepressants work or not is also heavily debated by the way . I recommend you read these studies . Youre not at fault for your meds not working, its psychiatry's fault .

This is an anti psych harm reduction guide for coming off psych meds . It can be really dangerous to suddenly stop taking your meds , so please read this guide about how to come off your meds .

Also in this ask I mentioned a few examples on what we can do to stop relying on psychiatry as an institution to help us and also how to protect us as far as possible from being oppressed by this institution . :)

Hope youre doing better soon . Ik how hard life can be .