pavlovianpanic

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❝ they're dead, ❞ josh says flatly, looking at his hands. it's cool, he would say. i've accepted it. you should, too. ❝ case is, uh, you know? not going anywhere? [ ... ] i heard my dad talking to my mom, and uh, not good. heh, yeah. so. missing is ... basically dead at this point. kind of open and shut, just no bodies. not having those is, uh, hard for my family. but hey, i mean, it's not like they were kidnapped out of our house. 'cause hannah ... you know, she ran out there, and beth followed, and ... ❞

and i know what i saw on that video. i fucked up. i'm a bad older brother.

the hand is not swift enough. action is required, but josh is not strong enough yet; it's becoming march now, the fourteenth is coming closer (he can't quite make it to the ides of the month), and he's so sick over it. he looks sick. i am sick. i always have been. i just didn't want to say anything. now? he wears it. it's hard to hide that kind of grief.

❝ ... and that's it. i just thought you'd want to know? ... considering everything. ❞ — open ( josh w. )

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josh's year between pranks is like ... not hard to follow but a lot is going on. suicide risk referral in march, a hospitalization in may, other hospitalizations we're not privy to (see here), on top of lots of therapies, changing meds, etc. he's a risk in march, he's hospitalized for sure in may of that year. one day, i'll chart it out, but we actually have a very incomplete understanding of josh's health, meaning this file is ... limited? not inaccurate, but missing details. i imagine there are more incidents at school we're not privy to (we barely know what those are, i have speculated), more therapies tried, more doctors that have been involved, etc. we're just lacking context that hannah tried to give us tbh.

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❝ see? that's what i told her. she never listens to me. i am tall, and, heh, well ... you know what they say? ❞ he infers, then gets a little weird and shrugs. he decides to make it worse. am i moving too much? she'd tell me, i guess. ❝ like, all parts of my body are proportionate. [ ... ] right. yeah, for sure. lemme see that. give it here, girl. wow me with your masterpiece. ❞

" well, now that you mention it . . . " a pause, she looks over at the other, lips puckered in thought as she taps her index finger against the tip of her nose. " nope ! i think your head is proportionate to your body. you're tall & you got big shoulders . . . okay, maybe you got a big head, i dunno ! " a shrug, she goes back to doodling absentmindedly on her notebook. " makes you easy to draw, though — wanna see ? "

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❝ yo, straight up ... you think i have a big head? be real with me. beth was saying it's hard to get me hats. is that true? not ... the, uh, hat thing, but the head thing. ❞ he could get a measuring tape just to be sure?? it feels normal on his body, so he's not sure if she's just trying to fuck with him or not. he's giving his best expression of well, what do you think? — open ( josh w. )

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in writing nathan, it kind of makes josh look better huh

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the choice is yours

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josh: is surprised to be chosen

josh: cuts himself in half

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#josh fully expecting chris to pick ashley here: Okayy this has been fun but iits getting too serious for me

josh if chris chooses to save him instead of ashley

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i think it's very telling the difference between hannah and josh. here's how i know they are seen differently:

josh can run away out of anger and chris is like "nah let him go he won't run out into the snow"

hannah all but runs out of there like a horse on all fours to get away from those kids, josh and chris had to be restrained by the narrative bc they would have gotten her back to that stable so effing fast

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josh hates being told what to do

josh tells chris to shut up

josh loves telling people what to do

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chris, worried about josh on the mountain: you okay bro, worried about you, care about you

josh, preparing to knock his bestie out with gas: I’m fine

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josh to chris: go unconscious! go unconscious! go unconscious!!!!!!

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just guys being bros

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now it's josh's time again, so i ask because that's who we want to see, what should i write for him? opens? metas? you want starters from him? what do you want from josh that i can provide for you all this evening??

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when writing mark, i am very careful that max's interpretation of nathan and mark is not necessarily unbiased, and while it's also not untrue, i think her meaning gets distorted. similarly to her nightmare sequences, her role as a player surrogate (no personality compared to chloe, the carrier of the plot) + max having some personality to make observations + being 18 + having her own complications with mark + her own complications with nathan would inspire her to see that this relationship is likely not good, both of them are falsehoods presented. nathan is just more obvious about his role as the wolf; mark is not.

example: to me, when nathan tells max "my dad is an asshole" + she just saw him savagely beat warren and choke her out, as well as seeing him shoot chloe, her mind goes "nathan's dad beats him". because everything we have been told about sean would lead us to believe he is a bad person. so, her version of nathan in her head is ... it's not ... untrue, but it's also something brains do. make associations. so, like, nathan is kind of an easy one, i think. classic bully (we think, it's much darker).

when saying nathan and mark have a weird father-son thing, this is an interpretation of a mentorship she does not know well because, as we have been told, she does not know nathan. nathan also infers he doesn't really know max that well, either ("max caulfield, right?"). nathan is comfortable to drop in before class to hang with victoria, bully max, and essentially doesn't ever interact directly with mark, and that's intentional. they don't need us making those associations yet, just finding the clues to get us to the end. storytelling basically. being crafty.

so ... what relationship do they have? it's not what you'd maybe think ... ??

mark is hard on nathan, nathan looks up to mark. mark acts as a guiding voice, a softer voice than nathan's father, and essentially is there to "guide nathan" while guiding himself (the goals between sean and mark are probably getting ... strained, we know things are going poorly for them after rachel, so the bag was fumbled fast).

there is a very basic concept, but it works super well: good cop and bad cop. "good dad" and "bad dad". one that lifts you up, one that tears you down, and then the cycle repeats.

but nathan made a mistake. mark is mad at him. the cut note confirms this, and i don't even care that it's cut, if we're being honest, because sometimes things are taken out because they are too obvious. rachel in the dark room is kind of clear enough but vague enough, nathan needs affirmation and he needs confession fast.

none of this is by accident, it's by design. the game was rigged from the start.

ultimately, mark sees a bit of himself in nathan, and i think he hoped to see more of sean in nathan, too. but that didn't happen. nathan and sean are actually quite unalike in a lot of ways, mark is noticing, but horribly alike in others. the want to control. he sees that in nathan, he knows it in sean, and he fears it. he needs control. mark needs to control the situation now. but he needs sean. he needs nathan. they all need each other.

imagine having two dads barraging you all the time: take the shot, take your shot now, man up, it's okay, it's not okay, do better, do your best, and just on and on. that's a lot. that's a lot.

nathan is being tortured, yes, and a lot of it is mentally. he is just smart enough to do what needs to be done, just inexperienced enough to not know what questions to ask, and these two adults are crafting two images in one person, all while trying to attain their own needs, wants, and goals. sean's is ... interesting because nathan is so integral. he needs nathan to succeed. mark is very willing to blame nathan. he does for everything. but one thing he never confesses to, which he would in a game written like this (these games are meant to give messages, not deceive their audience): killing rachel. that was what divided mark and nathan. why would ... mark killing rachel make mark mad at nathan? that makes very little sound sense to me.

so, anyway. i only write this almost "family", very "professional" mentorship going on that's hard for nathan because he is seeking a father. he wants a strong male guiding hand to show him how to be a man, but no one will. it's difficult being a boy, no one wants to say that, but it has all its own challenges, and nathan is a prime example of these challenges going unchecked.

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family portrait

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