#like yeah thats life buddy
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I'm still trying to figure out what chaos magic is. . .
#or would it be magick with a k. ..#i just dont think im understanding the basic theory???#idk ive watched like a ton of videos and im gonna get to the peter j carroll books. . . mmmm#but all im getting is paradigm shifts and like. . .#i feel like theres no fluidity? maybe?#ill keep at it idk#a million shrug emojis#its giving i took the bus down from the station now im in the woods. . . vibes#like yeah thats life buddy#and i dont mean that condescendingly#its just like im not getting it#i think theres something wrong with me???#lol idk man
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finding out ur coworker is way older than you thought and having to very quickly reorient how you talk to them
#art#traditional art#watercolour#fanart#synthv#synthesizer v#genbu#kasane teto#rikka is also here :) i think she likes to cause problems sometimes. because all the adults in her life are dweebs#and very easy to cause problems with <3#anyone else have this happen before. im older than a lot of my university peers and i always have been#because i took 5 years in highschool and my undergrad has been like 6 years and counting#(hashtag learning disability <3 ) and like thats chill to me i dont mind#but now i usually assume everyones way younger than me and i get shocked when theyre not. a buddy in some of my classes#when i first met her i absolutely and completely assumed she was like barely 19 and talked to her as such#like i dont talk down to people or anything but i do soften the way i talk a bit and give a bit extra patience with younger peers#cause yknow. i remember what it was like being 19. being 26 is WAY easier lol so i wanna give em a bit of leeway yknow#anyway a few months after meeting her i found out she was actually a year older than me and a grad student when she ended up as a TA in#another class i took. i felt so bad. we bonded tho and she didnt mind she thought it was kinda funny when i was like WAIT UR A GRAD STUDENT#i thought she was like a first or second year undergrad..............#also yeah im a 31yo teto fan. i dont mind the popular fanon that she has a separate age that makes her actually 15 and#i dont mind that more interpretations have her like that BUT for my internal canon she is a grown ass woman because i think its fun <3#she pays taxes. she goes to work parties. she can rent a car. i love it#let teto rent a car. let her rent a car.#yknow im exicted to be 31. i still got a few more years of being a 20 something which is fun. but being a 30 something sounds like it rules
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#p4#p4g#persona 4#persona 4 golden#hanamura yosuke#yosuke hanamura#MAN I SWEAR WHEN THIS CONVERSATION HAPPENED I WAS SWEATING BRICKS IN WORRY#anyway i forgot to save before speaking to yosuke so i dont know what the other options are BUT YOU KNOW YU HAD TO ASK IF HE WAS OK#thinking about that comic where yosuke was being harrassed by some punks#theres something about the way hes telling this story that feels like he was treating it as being incidental. as whatever.#like “oh yeah im fine?? anyway thats not the point of the story i wanted to tell you about how they were so terrified of kanji”#LIKE DUDE. BUDDY. YOUR LIFE WAS IN DANGER. DONT DISMISS IT LIKE THAT#the fact that bro came so close to being beaten up and it was a conversation that could have been easily missed#like if yu hadnt run into him at night was yosuke just going to... not bring it ip?#(yes of course he wouldn't you know what hes like!! he wouldn't want to be a bother on yu. nothing happened after all!!)#BBYGIRL PLS!!? YOSUKE MY BOY PLS RELY ON YOUR FRIENDS TOO....#anyway i think a yosuke protection squad should form they should start going home in pairs#he's good with his queue
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Real pretentious for rusties to call themselves burgundy…you don’t see any other caste arguing about what they’re called :////
}:0|
#YKNOW YEAH YOU DO ACTUALLY }:0(#RUSTBLOODS A SLUR FOR US BRONZE AND BURGUNDIES }:0|#PEOPLE FORGET THAT }:0|#ALSO YOU DO SEE OTHER CASTES ARGUING ABOUT WHAT THEYRE CALLED }:07#LIKE CALLING INDIGOS OR CERULEANS BLUE }:0|#IVE SEEN A LOT OF DEBATE OVER WHICH ONE IS CALLED THE BLUE CASTE }:0|#EVEN THOUGH ITS A TITLE FOR BOTH }:0|#ITS ACTUALLY PRETTY MUCH THE SAME SITUATION AS BRONZE AND BURGUNDIES WITH ''RUST'' BLOOD }:0(#EXCEPT BLUE ISNT OFFENSIVE }:0(#IVE SEEN CERULEANS GET CULLED FOR CALLING THEMSELVES HIGHBLOODS THOUGH }:0|#LIKE NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM EXCEPT THAT }:0|#AS IF A MISCONCEPTION OR DIFFERENCE OF OPINION IS A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO SEVER THEIR FILIAL LINE }`:0(#EVEN THEN YOU HAVE THE OLD DEBATE ABOUT MUSTARD OR GOLD }:07#WHAT YOU JUST SAID IS LIKE SAYIN' “REAL PRETENTIOUS FOR THE P%%%BLOODS TO CALL THEMSELVES MUSTARDS” }:0|#IM SORRY BY THE WAY GOLD FRIENDS }:0(#BUT MY POINT IS LIKE THATS JUST A SLUR }:0|#THE SLUR IS A SLUR AND ITS GONNA PROBABLY STAY THAT WAY TILL IT GETS SO RECLAIMED PEOPLE FORGET IT USED TO BE A SLUR }:0|#AND BURGUNDIES HAVE THE SHORTEST LIVES OF US WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE MEAN TO THEM DURING IT }:07#YOU REALLY GOTTA STOP CALLIN THEM THAT BUDDY }:0|#IVE BEEN CALLED RUSTIE TONS OF TIMES AND I STILL DONT FEEL SUPER COMFORTABLE SAYING IT CAUSE I KNOW ITS MOSTLY A SLUR USED FOR MAROONS }:0[#LOWEST POINT ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM AND THE SHORTEST LIFE AND YOU GOTTA BE A BULGE TO THEM }:0?#THIS REALLY WAS ONE OF THE }:0[#SHIT TAKES }:0)
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you know what? at least he got his wedding. i guess ,
#liz blogs#knight rider#knight rider spoilers#kr#knight rider liveblog#stevie makes me so fucking sad you dont understand. you dont understand. oh my god.#''at least i could always run into you at the supermarket'' ''thats how i do it too'' yeah. yeah. about that. uh. um. not. anymoRE#oh my god. at least they finally got their wedding. oh m y fucking god. it was beautiful for all of 8 minutes#this episode really smacks you with horrible grief over michaels two best relationships. its not bad enough about stevie#but then kitt rushes to his side after he gets shot. protects him. calls the ambulance. follows behind it the whole way there and looks#after him. god. tapped into the camera in his room and saves his fucking life. SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT FOR WEEKS#AND MICHAEL GETES OUT AND GOES 'YEAH ANYWAY IM LEAVING THE FOUNDATION' BITCH ??????? BITCH ??????????????#WHAT HAPPENS TO KITT THEN 8( YOU CANT JUST LEAVE HIM BEHIND HE'S YOUR FUCKING BUDDY !!!!!!!! HES YOUR PAL#OH MY GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM GOING TO CRY FOR LIKE THE 8TH TIME#BUILD ANOTHER CAR. PROGRAM ANOTHER AI. THIS ONE IS MICHAELS HE SHOULD GET TO KEEP HIM FOREVER#IM GOING TO CRY MY FUCKING EYES OUT OH MY G O D#i was right to be upset and nervous for this episode. i was right. i was right. oh . my god.#knight rider is ruining my life actually. jesus christ. i thought michael was actually going to Kill for the first time. oh my god.#im so upset. about the tv show. im so upset im in grief im going to cry#Again.#she threw himself in front of him. she threw -#''haha funy show about a guy and his car'' -- five months later i am never recovering. i am never recovering from my decision to watch kr#jesus. FUCKING christ oh my GOD
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anyways sometimes i wonder if i'm meant to be connected with people. don't get me wrong i appreciate my friends, but like my quality of life wouldn't go down too much if i hadn't met them. i like digging information out of people. they lose a lot of appeal once i know too much about them. i don't really have any kind of interest in pursuing any kind of relationship with people, romantic or platonic. i could take people or leave them. dunno
#they're playing ahead by a century on the radio and it's great#i love the colour of that one. it's pretty much just a night sky. the instrumentals are a dark blue and the white stars#and his voice is a lovely green that makes me think of the northern lights#i know i talk shit but i don't think i could leave canada for good#might head further north eventually but i'll stay in the country#dunno i got some synesthesia that only shows up sometimes or some shit idfk man#though rn i am bitching about none of them understanding the situation from our (mine and my brothers) side#like yeah i know you guys have jobs.#are you trying to search for one for yourself?#while helping your parents business because if that goes under we're ROYALLY fucked?#while worrying about a buddy of yours genuinely going missing?#i'll b real he was a huge help by the end of that job once everyone else who liked me left#anyways#no? none of those apply? then shut the fuck up about us getting the dates wrong. we gave#god fucking dammit im trying to type and hit the wrong button im going to fucking make a bed with the fishes#yes we got the dates mixed up. cope. bitch. we have actual real life problems to deal with.#sorry our shit got in the way of your plans. i guess. still don't see why i had to apologise but maybe im just a genuinely shitty person#one self centered motherfucker#anyways thats my word vomit for the night. might delete l8r. dunno
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i think i could write a really good essay on the danger days fandom and what it functions as for those who engage (myself included). i think i can explain exactly why certain people who are into certain other things are drawn to it, and why it so often devolves into just Identity Category Soup™ instead of deeper worldbuilding or storytelling. And also why people get something out of that soup.
The story doesn't really exist (and what does kinda sucks) but I think, the way fandom ends up with it, it's ultimately about regaining control and achieving small-scale victories in the midst of a larger, obviously unwinnable conflict. It's escapist fantasy that boils down impossible-scale real world issues (corruption, bigotry, capitalism, rigid social roles) into ones you can directly interact and engage with. A world so small that you can shout over those in power. A world so small that you can just... opt out of it.
Truthfully, IRL there is nowhere you can go to get away from, say, gender roles... but in DD world you can say "fuck that, I'm moving to my alternative society which not only exists, but thrives" and then do it. I do NOT think gerard intended it this way specifically (you can read it as being about lots of things and also he's said as much) but yes of course becoming a killjoy is a perfect allegory for transition.
#when i was rlly into DD id get so annoyed at the bright fun poppy version people did where it's not a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland#but i think i get it a bit more now. its not for me but it's the same thing i like about it. just zoomed in and less realism#(dd fandom also skews YOUNG i think)#i always preferred a version where the kjs know theyre doomed to fail and their movement will fizzle out but goddamn theyll try anyway#and build a life that's worth living in the meantime <3#but anyway yeah thats why killjoy fandom is so Gender-y... it's a story about social nonconformity and being punished for it and thats-#a specific sort of nonconformity that mcr fandom is already keen on#(obviously it's also a fantasy about eating pizza and rebelling against authority with your buddies lol but i think its deeper for many ppl
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😊
#it always feels so nice whenever i do things i just kinda. never imagined myself doing#aka 'i didnt think id have friends ever so i was just going to hermit forever' kgjdjdjsjs#its more 'i dont think people would like me enough to hang out' so.#but yeah....#i got to talk more to this guy x at work who started the same time i did#so he and i just kinda vibe and are honest w each other#it was nice just chatting about life and all that#he didnt have a ride home so i offered him one and thats just something i didnt really think id do#idk bc it was more spontaneous and i feel id be too anxious or think 'oh god maybe he doesnt like me and would feel weird'#but we actually vibe so the ride was super chill#IT WAS CHILL UNTIL HE MENTIONED STAR RAIL AND I WAS JUST 'DONT SAY THAT#but yeah.#idk.#its that thing of 'try to be the friend you wished you had'#x is cool tho hes funny#i was just surprised he said hes quiet when he started. he was not quiet at all when we first had a shift together jdfjdjdj#orientation buddies ig sjfjdjsjs#ANYWAYS#i also started training on my promotion job and its been nice. a little overwhelming but skfjdjd its not bad#friends tag#avil speaks#it was just a nice day today haha#SORRY i just am mush lately about friends. believe me itd be worse here but djfdjjd you know. have to shut up.#otherwise its like everyday 'man.... i like my friends. my friends are so nice. i wish them happiness and warmth'
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man if i had the engergy to write fics. the things id do to fiddleford.. oh man the things id do..
#to me hes very; incredibly repressed gay man who was definitely very in love with ford in college then proceeded to get married to a woman#so he would stop thinking about it because him and ford were just 'college buddies' and 'only kissed a few times when they were really#intoxicated and isnt that a funny story haha' so the first chance he got he just convinced himself he was in love with his wife#because thats what he was supposed to do hes supposed to get married and have kids and provide for his family thats#how its supposed to be- and i do think he loves his family and loves his wife like they were probably friends before getting married#but then ford calls him up again after so long and he just drops everything to *be there for him* like not even because he wants to do it#for science he wants to do it for *ford* and then time goes on out there and the feelings resurface#and i like to think that when the fight he had with his wife over the christmas present that was the moment he finally realized#that hes just been in love with ford this whole time or at least that he wants to go back to him so bad that he just gets on the last plane#back to gravity falls and goes back to ford and as things get worse he just starts breaking down because hes thinking he wasted his whole#life that hes married he cant go back now probably also a lot of internalized homophobia just having the worst time while#fords off with his little triangle bf and starts getting a little colder towards him near before he left and so#after all that after the portal test hes just completely shattered even without the memory gun bc hes just like i ruined my life i think my#wife hates me and ford is just acting insane he wasnt like this before and i did this all for him this could be the end of the world#and so then just a couple of zap zap zaps later and hes old man mcgucket local cook haha! anyway yeah i have to#do some of my physics homework tomorrow its due Tuesday
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dysgraphic artiƨts risɘ UP!!!!!
#raise your pencils!!!! and erasers. to fix the backwards letters 😔#sorry still thinking about my weirdness with my art professors. yknow a lot of em have been really pushing us as#students to make our personal identities a major part of like our 'brand' as artists#which. well from an art history major perspective thats a very contentious and nuanced topic. i love a lot of artists who live this way#and i think its great seeing my peers who focus on identity thrive. but also as an fine arts major (double major fool LOL)#i keep getting pushed by teachers into like. specific '____ artist' identities???#specificaly woman artist. which is a little bizarre because im a bit fat and a bit gnc so im generally like. ungendered? in day-to-day life#(which doesnt actually matter to me directly that much honestly LOL people tend to view me as like. buddy? buddy or pal.)#(not man. not woman. not anything human. sometimes i remind people of a beloved dog. which. hkdsahjk thats its own can of worms)#(a can of worms that also doesnt matter much to me directly because im a wannabe furry who chose to be the dog when playing house as a kid)#(LOL so um. well. theres that) but yeah i dunno i dont really consider myself a woman artist. its been. shockingly (and sometimes luckily?)#irrelevant to most of my life and experiences and art (although dont get me wrong misogyny is very real and very present) so i dont#have a whole lot to say about it from an art perspective. you could also call me all kinds of things. a queer artist. a mixed race artist#again technically correct. some aspects more visible in my work than others. but also very technical. i focus on race a lot in in my#art historical work but i dunno how much my drawings have to say. except that i keep making too many mixed ocs LOL#i dunno i just think my professors gotta focus that energy away from tokenizing me and over to supporting like actual#capital W Woman artists capital Q Queer artists capital A Artists of Colour who are doing far more interesting things than I#far more thought out and engaged in these topics directly. i just kind of stumble into my art blindly and confused <3#sorry that was a long tangent WHAT IM SAYING Is despite all that: i do consider myself a capital D Dysgraphic artist#i think its an unmovable constant of my art and the way i draw and the way my hands move. the untrained eye doesnt seem to be as aware#of it directly. but those who are familiar can probably see it. the dysgraphia LOL if not just from whenever i write a letter or number#half of them are busted and frantically fixed HDKJSDJDS but its in all my art. if u can see it <3 ive been trying to embrace it#dygraphic artists raise your pencils indeed!! and throw away the eraser!!! make the legibility of your words everyone elses problem!!!#what does that say? what is that sketch? none of my business! none of your business!! its the business of my hand and the pencil alone#motor skill and spatial issues take the wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
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I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun
#sorry if anyone sees these im tired of using my personal discord servet to vent. i always spiral too much#anyways i have an idea for a good poem to write for class because of recent events#ughhhh idk i just wish i wasnt so annoying about asking if i can open ip to people#or if someone would just ask if i was okay. i mean actually id probably lie i am not actually good at being open.#but like hey idk it feels nice to feel like people genuinely want to know#ughhhhfhfhf i do this to myself sometimes JSHSJSKDJDJD#welp its just how life goes. i feel lonely all the time and i soldier on#surely helping the next person will make me feel better! nope. surely helping yhis next person will make me feel better! nope. surely-#tgats me. thats what i sound like#yeah idk it feels like everyone is going through something worse than me so itd be a moral failing on my part#to ask them if i could just like. feel bad. noticeably#not even talk about it just look down and out of it for a day#yknow i emailed one of my teachers asking permission to go by a new preferred name#this is at like. a massive very queer and trans art school.#and i asked him permission to do this#and i was joking with my friends about how pathetic i sounded in it#and one of them patted me on the head and said “there there buddy” like very jokingly#but i almost cried because thats the first time in so long someone has like. really tried to comfort me#or shown me much physical affection#my mom gives me hugs and stuff but thats always about her. i dont blame her shes got a lot of stuff going on#but idk its really selfish of me but i just wanna have people see me and feel bad for me and it be about my pain for a little while#ill get over it im just being a teenager but shit god fucking damnit#i just want a break from feeling like my world is falling apart#then getting some footing#then it falling apart again#okay i feel a bit better now better stop the complain train JDJDJSKSJD#hey why do i never hear that it rhymes and everything thays so good#damn i gotta use that more#welp weve reached our stop sorry if anyone ever read thjs. hope you have a nice day tho lol
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i think 10.2 electric boogaloo should be scottish. i think that would be fun
#why? just because#gatwa is scottish right i hope his doctor is scottish too i think it'dbe a funny transition#like smth is definitely wrong if youre regenerating back to what was basically your teenage self#one of them anyway#but we're not LITERALLY back in 2006 and we've BEEN scottish now and we WILL be scottish and inbetween we've been yorkshire which is now my#favourite english accent of all time out of all the times ive heard (not many) but thats beside the point#so#i think#he should be scottish!#to make it super clear thatl ike Oh You Fucked That Regeneration Up Buddy#and also as like a 'where do i know this face' kinda thing like#where do i know this accent oh yEAH it was when you were the most you youve ever been when you fulfilled your lifes mission THATS when#and then you felt betrayed by yourself and by the master but we've dumped the master now and youve made peace with yourself#but smth is still wrong Clearly so you gotta remind yourself#7 is in the mindspace still talking to you abt when and when not it's good to blow stuff up and fragments from the past#you should be scottish!!#thanks for coming to my tedtalk
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#playlist#buddy knox#i think I'm gonna kill myself#suicide#sui ment#tw suicide#idk what else i can tag that with#lmk if i should add any others#anyway#this was on my discover weekly and is stuck in my head#which makes it a really unfortunate earworm given my tendency to unconsciously hum whatever i have stuck in my head#and cheerily going '🎶i think im gonna kill myself.🤪 i think im gonna kill myself!😄🎶' doesnt go over well generally. so.#Spotify#i will say that im in a pretty terrible mood tonight and every time i start to feel despair i just imagine some guy cheerily singing this#and im like. yeah okay i can't genuinely think things like this when i just hear his voice#but. you know what they say. thats life. sometimes the only thing that pulls you out of a spiral-#-is some weird ass rockabilly with a death wish.
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very funny 2 me when people post warnings about not watching ai generated shows and not hate watching shows. like i get why. but also im so far from the intended target audience i have to giggle. friend i can barely make myself watch good new shows. im over here with my downloaded comfort show from 2008 rewatching episodes instead of starting anything new. gotta learn about a new show via osmosis for at least a straight month thru my dash before i can summon enough curiosity to add it to my to-watch list. in no universe do i ever hate watch shows i dont even watch shows i like.
#the amount of time it takes me to circle around a new show before finally watching it....... wild#with books im like yeah thats new and looks interesting ill read that#with shows the stars have to align perfectly and my mood has to be exactly correct before i can watch something new#anyway i know im not who those posts are targeted at so i get why people are making them#but im like scrolling past them and like. buddy i cant describe how little this is aimed at me and its funny#liveblogging life
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the tragedy of things never being able to go back to how they were because time only goes further and as it grows more distant even the happiness i once experienced seems like a delusion
#yeah its im like this hours#yada yada i know im annoying when im depressed just ignore it its fine#im a cry baby attention seeker etc etc but i mean#what else am i gonna do but scream when im dying#if i do nothing people blaim you more anyways#cant burden people with the responsibility of your life#but also not supposed to suffer alone because friendship or something#what am i supposed to do tell my coworker i wanna kill myself so i can get an awkward look and a thats rough buddy?
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Aneki’s leg has been doing a terrible cramp Thing for several days and she’s going through the nine stages of grief like IS THIS WHAT ITS LIKE
#yeah. yeah it is.#aneki: well it mostly doesn’t hurt when im still at least#me: [deciding not to say ‘that sounds nice mine hurts literally no matter what I do’] thats rough buddy#naw but like. I AM used to it for better or worse#and I have a life and expectations built around my abilities. whereas she doesn’t.#still. it’s just like. nice to know that people know a bit of what it’s like.#bramble bramble
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