#yada yada i know im annoying when im depressed just ignore it its fine
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the tragedy of things never being able to go back to how they were because time only goes further and as it grows more distant even the happiness i once experienced seems like a delusion
#yeah its im like this hours#yada yada i know im annoying when im depressed just ignore it its fine#im a cry baby attention seeker etc etc but i mean#what else am i gonna do but scream when im dying#if i do nothing people blaim you more anyways#cant burden people with the responsibility of your life#but also not supposed to suffer alone because friendship or something#what am i supposed to do tell my coworker i wanna kill myself so i can get an awkward look and a thats rough buddy?
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this is long and u probs shouldnt read it esp if you dont talk to me regarly off tunglr and shit
this is long confusing and all over the place and probs triggering i guess
its been a wild fucking week/month i guess. a few months ago i was dealing with my drug addict parents and my dad nearly killing my mother and me having to stop him from hitting her and getting hurt in the process... i didnt really have much of a reason to live. my online life wasnt good either, neither was my irl life. i was starving from my mom staying gone and lived in fear and had to constantly stop my parents from killing each other (literally) and my dad broke my moms ribs ... and she had to go to the hospital. to say the least i was very suicidal and didnt know why i was living like this when i could have been dead and itd be easier.
my online life wasnt helping, combined with irl shit I was in a pit of depression and relapsing on several things and i constantly brought the mood down and very little thing was bugging me. i started to have a break down cause i was afraid all my friends (who are all i got, not to be edgey ex dee but) didnt like me, i have abadonment issues, i started to feel like they hated me an wanted me gone and ect. /now/ i know its not true but that harmful mindset made me terrified and upset.
i then started feel like i was making someone that i loved well, romantically, uncomfortable/upset and my autistic ass was trying hard to be better ? i felt as if i was making them uncomfortable, i had actually been feeling like this for a year or so on and at first i held it in and tried to ignore it but more-so ‘recently’ i guess it started get harder to keep it locked up and i constantly searched for what i was doing wrong to make someone i loved upset/uncomfortable with me, to the point of them not wanting to say they loved me/treating me more like a platonic friend ?
again its not their fault, its no ones fault, and i couldn’t force someone to love me more than they did, i guess i wasnt used to it.
ieven ith that realization i still tried harder to be a good person/easier to be around, i triedeverything to make it feel like i wasnt being avoided/annoying anyone but nothing changed, i had alot of empty promises made to me that made me very frustrated and i was crying every day over the same shit cause someone important to me was making me feel like .. well. shit !
ect ect i was so suicidal and depressed and a poor in taste joke made me start crying cause it was well, rude to me and made me upset and jealous of ppl in better relationships than me, i then realized the person i loved was aromantic, yada yada. and i was fine for maybe an hour or so and then alot of realization/over thinking sunk in and i was so fucking upset and mad and heart broken again
i felt like i had been led on for two years and people just watched me suffer and try to give me advice but everything had already been said and done and nothing was going anywhere no matter what i said and did and all advice i was given I HAD ALREADY DONE and it didnt work.
so, needless to say i was frustrated and i got pissed, i was very fucking angry, i didnt want anyhting to do with anyone! i felt led on for amusement and i felt pathetic for getting upset but most of all i was angry and even punched a wall like some angsty teenager cause i felt used and i thought you know, for two years you think someone would realize they weren’t ready
i also realized (im saying realized alot sorry) that i was bringing everyone down, i didnt want to accept any apology, i felt like i was being made out as the bad guy even though it wasnt anyones fault and i apologize for that. im sorry for bringing people down with my own problems. im still fragile and i dont want to think about it. i was mad and sad
i was upset that ihad to think for a year that i was doing something wrong and i had been promised to ‘ill get better’ and no, it wasnt abusive, i refuse to think that, but it wasn’t going anywhere. i was stuck. i was trying for something that couldn’t be fixed and was neither persons problem and i was letting it eat me alive like some fucking maggots
i dont know how to end this.. the more i think about it, i get angry/upset! im fragile still, and i constantly think im not allowed to be angry, depressed, bitter, ect. and put others first instead of myself.
i guess what im saying is im tired of putting people before me instead and blaming myself for everything, everything that had happened for this (up to) two years had made me realize i can’t jsut let myself be upset. i can’t just let myself pretend everything is okay even though im crying and trying to fix something cause i feel like i broke it. im not going to let that happen, im going to be stronger. im not going to take anything and not let people take me for granted
i guess im just.. well tldr im not going to let myself be weak and too nice anymore and get walked over by people who don’t care. im not going to let people make me uncomfortable and im going to put my foot down when something upsets me. im tired of being so nice and crying and shit. im tired of self harming and loosing blood and over dosing for !! people who dont care!
im fine now. forgive but never forget. or whatever. im okay, im feeling much better and ive been going to bed in good moods, things will heal in time but for now im okay. and ill continue being okay. no ones going to take that from me, its my time now. im sorry this is all so edgy. just a summary of hwo ive been feeling for the past year.
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