#like i dont even want to watch the show anymore
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Moral ocd around fiction is the worst. because I can't even connect or get attached to characters anymore unless they've done little to no wrong. and if they've done something problematic (regardless of if they've grown/leaned from it) I will feel crushing guilt for ever enjoying them. It has taken escapism from me
#and by problematic i dont mean like weird shit like r*pe or something absolutely not i mean like.#typical morally grey character stuff#i started a series and theres a character i kinda like and literally one of the first posts i saw in his tag was calling him an abuser ??#like what. when does this happen. what happened. he was so sweet in the first few eps ??#like i dont even want to watch the show anymore#and idek if that claim is true but OCD said no. so now we're not doing it#this cycle has happened several times already#im so tired#diary
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#polls#personally i dont like it but thats only because i dont like fandom. the type of stuff that gets the most attention#in fandom usually just annoys me idk. how to explain it in a way that wont come off as me saying#fanfic or whatever is evil its just the fact that it just bombards alot of the conversations?#i prefer it when the thing i like has 10 fans and theyre all on one message board or forum#like for example mtvs downtown is getting popular but apart from annoying#'me and the mid nerd guy i copped by being weird and sexy' posts its not awful....#but then smth like... clone high or smth i suddenly cant remember ppl just got so annoying abt that show??#like i cant stand it i dont even bother watching it anymore plus its just weird to me now like i can't watch it regardless#im just rambling but personally i do not like it. like i dont want what i like to get a revival#i dont want anything new! i just want to enjoy the thing and move on 😭#fandom seems to prioritize shipping and memes over evaluating or simply just enjoying something!#this goes for anything. music film tv books....
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would you like to talk about how bad the mha ending was hella
as much as i would love to give like. a comprehensive response i genuinely dont think i can get my words together just yet without it being a constant unintelligble stream of 'AND ANOTHER THING-' and bc it's become quite torn in the fandom on if the chapter was good or bad i want like. an actual coherent response here. so i will reblog this if/when i can word it but know IM NOT FUCKING HAPPY
#paragraphs and paragraphs about the villains' endings alone. hawks hpsc president. midoriya's ending#the fact hero society is barely changed and the changes that do happen feel very much TELLING the reader it happened#as opposed to actually showing us how society changed on it. this is smthn ik people will argue w me about#bc yes it was a 400+ chapter manga arguably showing us how society changed but like. did it actually show that#like do u honestly think any community would watch televised battles between TEENAGERS and bad guys#and have the majority of them go 'gah! i cant help but sympathise with the bad guy who just suckerpunched child extra no.28!'#so like. why are they all suddenly on board with massive systemic reinvention. where's the rage where's the bitterness#this wasn't a story on showing the villains as redeemable and working towards society sympathising with them#and slowly painfully coming to a conclusion where japan was ready to change as a COLLECTIVE#this was a story of showing a group of redeemable villains (first step CHECK) getting DEFEATED IN BATTLE#THEY ALL FUCKING DIED EXCEPT SPINNER AND PRESUMABLY COMPRESS#WE DONT EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO DABI AT THE END ONLY THAT HE WAS PUT IN THE EXACT SAME POSITION#HE WAS IN WHEN HE WOKE UP FROM HIS COMA AND DABI WAS BORN. 'DABI' AS A PERSONA MEANT NOTHING#we still have an abuser who didn't come to justice. we still have the corrupt government body now being led by the guy they trafficked#and abused and conditioned into the perfect soldier. do u think maybe his opinions are a little biased in regards to that gov. body#maybe. perhaps. slightly. and we still have hero charts!!!!!! every kid in the last chap is still obsessed w becoming a hero!!!!#and dont get me STARTEDDDDDDDDD on midoriya being a teacher. 'i think it's cute he finally gets a life of peace 🥺#this way he can help the next generation directly 🥺' womp to the fucking womp he was supposed to be the world's no.1 hero#he barely sees his friends anymore. 'it's realistic to adulthood!' i dont want realism in my superpowered teen and up manga#put them in the avengers mansion NOW#so as you can see i waffled regardless of saying i specifically wasn't gonna do that and some of these points bother me more than others#with some being personal I Didn't Like It and some being i genuinely truly believe it to be bad writing#but my summary is mha ultimately felt like a story where a group of individuals unlearned (eh) the beliefs of a toxic society#and tried to save the people that society failed and then they themselves DID NOT FUCKING SAVE THEM#(i have a hit on the redemption via death trope on the dark web for ten bajillion pounds)#and while yeah that isn't objectively an evil story to tell i think 1) it was done poorly#and 2) isn't what a lot of people believed the premise to be nor what i think horikoshi himself was trying to write#ask#mha spoilers#mha
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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uhhh heres a bunch of finished stuff from while ive been gone ig
#im not gonna bother tagging all the characters im LAZYYYY#scribbles#osc#bfdi#inanimate insanity#theres also object havoc guys in there but i dont think anyone cares abt that show anymore.#i havent seen it in forever sometimes i just think abt the characters again and draw them#it was one of thr first object shows i ever watched so ive got this sort of fondness for it cuz of that lol#oh yeah these are in chronological order oldest -> newest#ive drawn other stuff i just wanted to put all the object stuff in one place#well this isnt even all the object stuff but a lot of it is oc stuff or weird expiermental things i dont feel like posting rn
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#tbh i only gave 911 another go because of bucktommy#i dont even know if i want to continue watching it anymore#half the time it seems the writers are trying to undo what another writers mightve written#like they are racing to trying to write over someone else's writing#wouldve liked the have the break up at least next season let the charcters stew in their current relationships a bit#but they almost seem adamant on having buck in a different romantic relationship every season#its the main reason i had dropped the show in the first place i really couldnt care enough about certain characters before they were gone#i feel kinda crazy because i dont see anyone saying this so plz tell me im not alone in this#oh and dont get me started on eddie stroyline since s7#because what#huh#excusie?#😃#this is not a cw show but it sure felt like i watching one#imma stick to 911ls for now even tho i HATE rob lowes charcter taking over every plot line#no u dont understand i DESPISE him#but i love literally every other charcter so ... 🙄#i guess ill deal with that man on my screen#911 spoilers#911 abc#bucktommy#911ls
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I see ur into dc and have to ask if u’ve watched ‘under the red hood’? :)) its a really good animated movie if u havent!
i haven't! i only got into dc because of tt robin and i only ever cared about media that included him or was about him xd AND i was very picky. I do want to broaden my horizons so thank you, i will check that movie out :]
#honestly little me hated all the other robins cause i was like i only want MY robin >:(#and I hated that he got replaced and went by a different hero name xddd i liked him as a kid i did NOT want to see him as an adult#and it made me hate everything that happened after he grew up xd#you cannot imagine the tragedy i lived through when young justice had a time skip and he wasn't 14 anymore tou cannot imagine the#disappointment i felt at that moment I literally never picked up that show again i just abandoned it i didnt even watch the first episode#of the new season i just couldn't do it xdddd#see i am very attached to robin. i still agree with all my decisions i like him the most and i dont want to see him as an adult i just want#the little guy cause he entertains me
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#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing#painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her#i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but#the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach#streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow#im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected#i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes#not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her#how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want#her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest#but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b#so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so#much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming#i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby#unrelated
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okay so im back in navbar hell (when i thought i escaped...!!!) but ive managed to get this set up today :D
#my issue is that im trying to make the navbar properly responsive and have a toggle option once the screen gets too small#if u look on my blog i had it on my last attempt at this because i was using bootstrap but i was like okay i gotta make a new project!#cause i wanted to use nextjs#and not have to worry about backend stuff as much#okay so like..... i know im being kinda stubborn here lol#i could just slap bootstrap on and copy my old code but i dont wanna#i already have tailwind on here and i dont want to confuse myself anymore#so ive been looking for navbar tutorials using tailwind to help and omg#i thought i found a good one and then i realized it used a specific js package which i cant use cause im using typescript...#and i cant find a ts version#so now im just set on doing it without any outside stuff#like just show me how to make the thing with just html and javascript#at least that way i can just translate the the js to ts on my own!!!#anyways lol i found a video that should help...pls#ill watch it later....#but today im tired#webdev#codeblr#wip#this site will happen i swear I SWEAR#AHHH#there so many things to help but after a certain point its like...i dont even know whats happening and now im confused#and god forbid things start conflicting with each other#so i just want something that will spell it out clearly#but yea if u see this and think im confused (which i might be)#im always open to links to videos
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so many expenses this month and most of it isnt even for me :(
#i hate that my family thinks i have lots of money even though my brother made a lot more than me#mom keeps telling me my brother might need it in the future so she refuse to ask him any#really shows that they do not respect me at all about this#and the worst thing is its always very sudden#a cold 5 min call where mom tell me “pay for this now! dont postpone it” and the payment is almost 1K#and my stupid ass cant even say no because if i say no they will make me feel guilty and then i feel like i wanna kms and end up paying anw#god#parents are gonna go on vacation soon#watch they'll be calling me soon to give them more money#and then go hom from there#and not bringing me any gift as usual#why should they care about the faggy child that failed to achieve his parents assigned goals#if anything putting all family expenses on me will quicken my death or worse force me to go back to them#so they can hold me and mold me back into what they want#i know their plan and i refuse to follow it#but they probably just need to shout on me once and i'll follow whatever their ask.. sad#i want to recoup by taking commissions but last time this happened and i took too many comms it ended up taking more than a month#i dont think i can handle that much anymore#AAAAAAAAA im tired
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now that we’re on the topic i would fucking love to read through the sheet music for nerdy prudes must die… not even to play or try and put on my own performance but just so i could read it and follow along with the show to try and work out all the harmonies
#this is a complete hypothetical#i get why it’s not available ofc and why thats not something you can access or even something theyd want to try and market or sell#but in the way of like.#imagine i could check it out of a library and just have one or two watch throughs of the show with it in front of me#and finally FINALLY pick out all the different notes im hearing clearly so it all clicks together in my brain#i dont even really do that much music anymore so my sheet reading skills are probably out the window#regardless imagine how fun that would be to just peruse the score while you listen to the songs#would heal something in me i think#i dont want/need to own it and certainly wouldnt want it for like putting on my own show or reproducing it or anything like that#i just think it would be fun to flip through like a magazine like a coffee table book like a film script#anyway you should all totally buy the bonus content and digital download of npmd if you havent already it is 100% worth it#im having the time of my life#TEAM STARKID I LOVE YOUUUUUUU#npmd#nerdy prudes must die#starkid#tilda rambling
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the thing that really gets me about ocd is that you can have obsessive thoughts about ANYTHING. and that shit will keep you up at night no matter how tired you are bcuz it's all your brain will think about. close ur eyes and u can see it like it taped to the back of your eyelids
#like i gotta be up in less than 5 hours can i please. catch a break#and the best part!! is that sometimes the things your brain is looped on dont bother you in the moment#like earlier when you initially saw or heard about or thought about the thing#but guess what- its later now and youre sleepy now and sleepy brains dont care about things the way awake ones do#or sometimes care way too much#i honestly can hardly watch shows anymore for lengths at a time becauee then my brain will start to latch onto it#so even when im tired and want to sleep i will not stop thinkint about it#like ughhjjfjfkgkgk#thank u for coming to my ted talk#westy's shit#ocd
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I finished ff7 rebirth
#personal#no spoi.lers here dont worry#CRYING AND THROWING UP :')#I HAVE SO MANY THOGUHTS RIGH NOW#i'm gonna say i liked this game and its def better than the remake#i don't even want to touch remake anymore after this lmaooo#the game as a whole was really good#i do have some thoughts on story and character changes that i liked and didn't like#it mostly goes from ''oh i think this is fine'' to ''i wish they didn't change this at all'' yknow the usual..............#i do feel kind of disappointed about the ending and the changes to this and that which i wont say bc too spoiler-ish#the whole last chapter felt so weird to me and idk if i liked it or not and it felt like it was rushed a lot?#i'm also disappointed with zack's scenes in the game??#whoever said on twt ''i watched all zack's scene and zack fans will be satisfied'' ummmm i'm not satisfied?? i'm more confused#the whole hype about his part in the game and it just felt nothing to me? ily zack im sorry :'D#i hope its not just a silly fanservice but after u finish the game it gives u a setting#when u can turn off all zack's cutscenes in the game?? which had me like 👁️👄👁️#ANYWAYS overall i liked the game and i WILL be replaying it later#and maybe talk more about spo.ilers or not idk#and i hope the 3rd game will be even better since they still didnt show us much? which also has me confused but again wont say more for now
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at some point i am going to have to force even to go back and deal with donna & tentoo & rose & all and everything they ran away from. and that will probably involve them losing tentoo’s chameleon arch watch by giving it back to its rightful owner, whether she chooses to open it or not. and that is. not going to be a very fun or stable time for them.
#this part is v vague and fuzzy because i want to watch the rest of 12 & 13 and finish the doctor/donna specials before i set anything in#stone about it. but i think i need to rearrange some things in the timeline here vis a vis when the doctor is also forced to go back and#deal with his baggage.#i dont think 14 exists in even’s universe for this reason. and for the reason of tentoo kind of taking on his role? the human part of the#doctor who can stay with donna & with rose.#she’s also trans to me because i love trans!tentoo. her name is johanna. i think it’s pretty. i make a singular exception to my rule of#never changing characters names when i trans them.#but i think. what im getting at here is that this cant be a happy ending. not so cleanly. its more bittersweet.#like i think this version of the story. what i have so far. donna does remember. (tentoo doesn’t but that’s because she’s become her own#person. the doctor is who she came from but she isn’t just the doctor anymore.) and rose knows her doctor is out there and loves her but#she has her wife at home.#and even. oh even. you can’t hold onto a heart that’s not yours forever. you have to give it back.#this. i think. is a moment of respite and recovery for the doctor. and a really really low point for even. however this works out.#its not perfect but there’s kindness in it. and there’s a home to go back to. if they can bear it. both of them.#but like i said. this is all preliminary based on what i might play around with here. and how watching more of the show changes my ideas.#but i think. whatever revelations come in 13’s arc. i think in even’s universe they have to come after donna. i’ll find a way to make it#work.#but mostly right now the important thing is forcing even to give up the watch because why would i let them have one single comfort object <3#dw oc
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and this is old news now but my own perspective on the project sekai miku movie as a mobile game outsider who just likes some of the tunes - all i really hope for is that i'll be able to follow the plot somewhat with my very limited knowledge because it does look like it'll be a fun watch. i know there is like dimensions. the dimensions include: alt rock world. depression world. carnival world? etc. furirn and tomoriru voice characters. i like the trans one in depression world. and the little orange guy in EDM world.
#i also like the one voiced by akina. who i only know because of utaite reasons LOL i like her voice#i also like the voice of the loud blonde boy. i like that hes loud#and the girl with long dark hair from alt rock world has a nice voice too#sorry. this will be my knowledge. im cursed with mobage. i used to be able to handle it#but now even if this game ran on my phone i know i would skip the cutscenes 😔😔😔😔😔#NOT because theyre bad or anything im sure theyre good. but i dunno i straight up do Not have the patience for mobage progression anymore#and i also dont like watching videos of visual novels so watching the stories online is also out. i will only learn the plot if 1)#they release a commercial console port of the game with mobage progression tweaked out OR#2) much more likely it gets a full anime adaptation someday. which i'd be intrigued!#although then we will also reach my other issue. inability to watch a show no matter how much i want to#ITS NOT as dire as my mobage blockage tho like i can push myself. i will have fun. but i am le scared. what if a show kills me. ?#no one suffers more than i. the person who loves big glossy anime idol-y music franchises but cannot play mobage or watch anime.
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discovery of the day
#im sorry i do Not see what everyone sees in this movie. although from the years of browsing the internet ive began to realize#that i actually dont know if people actually like the movie or not#why is everything so rushed#their romance felt like nothing to me because i dont KNOW what they see in eachother#listen you dont have to tell me straight up into the camera why they love eachother#but the aggressive kissing and cut sex scenes arent telling me much#i get that it came out in 2005 but cutting mostly every gay sex scene? even the kissing for the most part?#but oh we NEED to see this happy husband and wife doing it. yes im bitter#a german movie by the name of summer storm came out the year before this one and actually shows something that feels like actual passion#i sound like i need to see people doing it in these movies all the time I promise thats not it#but even the kissing? the thing i Actually like the most? the thing that makes me feel things? felt like nothing at all#and oh i forgot that this is a tragic gay movie where one of them dies. Oh yeah. forgot.#mentioning summer storm again: it actually has a relatively happy ending. feels good that i dont need to be reminded of how gay people are#doomed 24/7.#the romance started good. with jack telling the guy whos name i already forgot to get his ass in the tent already.#the Pulling his arm over my body thing. it was going great#THEN IT WENT SO FAST! WHY WAS HE SUDDENLY SO INTO IT! WHY WERE THEY BOTH SUDDENLY DOING IT#im sorry i expected a slighter slow burn than this!!! calm down cowboys i have no idea why you two like eachother all of the sudden!#i seriously thought they would show these little moments of tension#and it just growing bigger and bigger#until they couldnt take it anymore#that would explain the aggressiveness of it! why they were so desperate! but it literally just HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!#im sorry i. I expected more of this movie that i hear so much about.#the most it made me feel was at that moment that turned into a meme where i thought “Hop on fortnite”#chuckled. that was it. did i cry? did my heart race at any moment? was i worried about what was gonna happen? not Once#im so. Disappointed.#after this i wanted to watch summer storm but netflix removed it. Its a german only movie no one knows from 2004. where the hell am i gonna#🏴☠️ that#AAAGHHHH!!!!!!!#not being able to watch summer storm made me cry more than this movie did What the hell
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