#there so many things to help but after a certain point its like...i dont even know whats happening and now im confused

[lupismaris]

..

[bf-rally]

okay so im back in navbar hell (when i thought i escaped...!!!) but ive managed to get this set up today :D

[arolesbianism]

I am still not over the level cap thing what do you mean level fucking 10

[whimsickool]

RATING THE ENTITIES ON HOW FUN THEY'D BE AT MONOPOLY:

1.  The Flesh - 1/10, wont stop trying to use severed body parts as its player token, houses, and hotels. This would be fine if they werent so fresh and thus staining the board. Brought meatloaf and refused to specify what meat was actually involved. We agreed to order pizza instead.

2. The Desolation - 4/10, is a sore loser and barely wants to play as intended. It mostly keeps trying to flip the damn board and when finally realizing its temper tantrum won't work, they just give all their assets to one player to tilt the game unfavorably like a dick.

3. The Lonely - 5/10, didn't show up on time, didn't play, and mostly sat on the couch for all of game night watching reruns of Golden Girls. This is due to the lonely feeling one gets when realizing you'll never have friends like The Golden Girls. They still get a point for watching though.

4. The Dark - 2/10, at first they just kept flipping off the lights which made it hard to play but when The Desolation suggested candles (the only helpful thing they did all evening) The Dark responded by leaking dark water all over which got the money and chance/community cards wet.

5. The Spiral - 6/10, just enjoyed going around and around and around on the board, sorta played? Mostly lied about how much money they had or owed or what chance/community card they pulled. This was because, "math is for losers." Thus, they did whatever they could to quickly get back to going around and around the board.

6. The Vast - 4/10, played the game, didnt perform any antics, but they kept pointing out their vast amount of wealth  after getting hotels on the first row. Points lost for being a prick.  I will say, from time to time, I would get the over whelming feeling that I was falling. This wasn't a large issue until it happened to The Spiral and suddenly no one can seem to find the bathroom in petty revenge.

7. The Slaughter - 0/10, killed the pizza man. This provided two major headaches: a deadbody to deal with and the pizza being ruined from being dropped. Luckily, The Flesh found use for the dead body. As for dinner, we resorted to just munching on the snacks. Also, its really uncomfortable being threatened whenever they happen to land on your property and owe you rent.

8. The Corruption - 3/10, always brings rotten snacks covered in mold. Uses live bugs for pieces which aside from being gross is just not effective cause they dont stay still. How can I recall that their property has three houses when the peices are crawling on my wall? I also just think it is common courtesy to shower before coming over to game night.

9. The Hunt - 8/10, overly competitive but focused on the game and largely helped wrangle the others. Did keep making references to Wolf of Wall Street though which got old quick. It is worth mentioning that they also talked alot about their various hunting trips and buddies which was fine at first until they started describing a recent hunt that I think may have been my coworker who went missing last week.

10. The Eye - 2/10, cheater. Fucking. Cheater. I didn't even know you could cheat that many ways in Monopoly. Also they brought the lead pipe from a Cluedo board as their game piece and kept giggling when I asked why. Further, it is rude to pressure a trade deal by use of blackmailing. Had a lengthy argument about how technically you dont have to draw from the top of the Chance and Community Chest pile

11. The Buried - 8/10, dirt everywhere and I can't be certain but I think they made my chairs smaller? Maybe it was the table? I felt far too close to everyone. I will say they did mostly play the game but you will feel buried beneath your debt after landing on their property which... now that i think about it.. why was their rent so high? That can't be right..

12. The Web - 7/10, much like insects spiders are NOT a suitable game piece. Didn't technically cheat but managed to get ridiculous trade deals from everyone, especially The Spiral. The Desolation gave all their assests to The Eye to screw over The Web but.. to be honest the game is still going and I.. is it possible to have a stalemate in monopoly?

13. The End - 9/10, played the game but kept saying we should up the stakes by having losers die. I explained that this was the sort of game where if it goes on long enough, death is actually the preferred alternative. They understood and got really quiet for awhile. I think they are to blame for why I'm up past my bedtime. I'm growing afraid they'll all still be playing by next week.

14. The Stranger - 6/10, tried to pretend they were my mom. I know they arent my mom. So they taunted me bu saying they were my dad. This was effective as I don't know my dad. Asshole move. Also, would not stop commenting how dry my skin looked. Other than that, yeah actually played the game!

15. The Extinction - 0/10, when it was finally time for everyone to leave we all learned why Extinction had not shown up. Bad news, the outside world has been nuked. The good news is that I don't think I have to pay rent anymore. Or go to work. Oh god. What do I do about groceries?

[scoobydoodean]

i think even though cas was in there stealing the journal, i think he was trying to legitimately convince dean to come to his side, because he does it the Very next episode (although he doesnt seem to realize that hes being manipulative about it..im not trying to infantilize him i just remember him being confused/surprised when dean points out that crowley gave him the same line)

like i do think theres a bit of double think in how castiel acts and behaves and he doesnt seem to grasp the emotional consequences of his actions, especially in this season.

like he thinks hes saying "if you trust me (please trust me) i can get crowley to release lisa and ben, because you wont be a threat anymore to his plan"

but dean hears "if you want lisa and ben back, you'll have to fall in line"

thats not to say dean is wrong for hearing it like that, but castiel really seems to be struggling with communication because he did this all for dean (in his mind) and once it's all over everything will be fine, lucifer and michael will stay in their cage, and dean and lisa will be safe at home.

but at this point hes killed too many and hurt too many people to turn back so when dean pleads for him to back down hes hearing dean say "im fine with risking the apocalypse again, and i cant trust you to do a plan that you are certain will work" when dean is just worried about another eve slipping through

its just very delightfully complex (imho) i dont really have a conclusion

Cas definitely wanted Dean on his side. He didn't need to wake Dean up or have a conversation with him to get the journal. He chose to wake him up and have that conversation because he desperately wanted Dean not to think badly of him. It's just hilarious that at the same time, he was also like. There to steal shit. When he saw Dean sleeping on that couch, he just couldn't help himself. He wanted to talk to Dean.

Trying to get Dean on his side was important to Cas because he loves Dean and values their friendship, but it was also important to him because Cas had, to some extent, tied his self-image to everyone else's perception of him over the whole season. He lies to all of his friends—Sam, Dean, Bobby, Balthazar, Rachel. He lies to the Winchesters because he wants a place he can come to where someone still recognizes him as the person he used to be and not the person he is becoming. Crowley puts this best:

CROWLEY: The big lie -- the Winchesters still buy it. The good Cas, the righteous Cas. And long as they still believe it, you get to believe it. Well, I got news for you, kitten. A whore is a whore is a whore.

This is a period where Cas was doubting everything and wrestling with moral quandaries. He sees his own actions as monstrous, but also believes that monstrosity is necessary. He and Dean have a conversation about this very early on in 6.06, after their last interaction in 6.03 had Cas causing a child excruciating pain to gain information.

DEAN What happened to you, Cas? You used to be human, or at least like one. CASTIEL I'm at war. Certain... regrettable things are now required of me.

I've talked about how the title of this episode, "You Can't Handle The Truth", shows Cas's hand in that he doesn't believe anybody else can handle the dirty work. He knows it makes him look bad and that's why he lies about it—to protect his image.

The whole of 6.20, he's struggling, but he's doing it alone. To his friends, he presents his actions with surety—telling Dean insistently that Cas knows what he's doing and that there's nothing broken about his plan, while he says privately praying to his father:

Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me. You have to give me…A sign. Give me a sign. Because if you don’t…I’m gonna ju– I’m gonna do whatever I… Whatever I must.

And to himself about working with Crowley:

I asked myself, “what was I doing with this vermin?”

And while betraying Crowley briefly by killing demons Crowley sent after the Winchesters:

For a brief moment…I was me again.

Sam and Dean and Bobby's belief in Cas's goodness (that he was himself) was so important to Cas that he was spying on them all of 6.20 despite his alleged busy schedule just to check in and see what they were thinking about him. And when they did trust him again for that brief moment, he felt relief, but also knew it was all an illusion and felt shame and guilt about it:

Wonders never cease. They trusted me again. But it was just another lie. 

The same discomfort and shame seeps off Cas in 5.17 when Sam and Dean thank him for saving them, while Cas knows Astropos was only after them because of him, and that if they understood the full picture, their feelings about what he'd actually done to "save" them would be very very different. He knows he's receiving praise he doesn't deserve, so the esteem they place on him is hollow.

On the other hand, I do think Cas grasps the emotional consequences of his actions for the most part. That's why he lied the whole season��because he was afraid of the fallout among every single person he knew and even more as the lies stacked and stacked. He knew none of them would agree with what he was doing. But the consequences with Sam and Dean also extend a little deeper than Cas thought they would, and that's what wounds him the absolute most, I think. I don't think Cas expected Sam to question whether Cas intentionally left his soul in The Cage, or for Dean to question whether or not Cas was involved in the plot to kidnap Lisa and Ben in 6.21. He is genuinely and deeply wounded when his care for them is essentially questioned at the very foundation and it leaves him feeling betrayed in his own way.

The thing is, Cas's privately held doubts still do not match the picture he presents to the Winchesters even after he is exposed. Privately, Cas is starting to see the pride and hubris underlying some of his choices:

I wish I could say I was clean of pride at that moment…

I see now that I was prideful. And in all likelihood, I was a fool.

I see now that was arrogance…Hubris 

Privately, Cas reveals that his motives aren't as pure as he presents them to be:

I had no choice. I did it to protect the boys. Or to protect myself. I-I don’t know anymore.

Hiding…Lying…Sweeping away evidence. And my motives used to be so pure.

Crowley had a point, of course. My interest was conflicted. I still considered myself the Winchesters’ guardian.

But to the Winchesters? He says "I did it all for you" and "I did it to protect you. I did it to protect all of you" and "It's not broken". He doesn't let them see his doubts, because he might crumble under them—and because sunk cost fallacy and his own pride won't allow him to accept being questioned even by his closest friends. In other words, he continues to lie, and after the big reveal, Dean can see right through him.

CASTIEL: I'm doing this for you, Dean. I'm doing this because of you. DEAN: Because of me. Yeah. You got to be kidding me.

Cas's pride also comes out in this conversation at night in Bobby's house.

DEAN: I'm not gonna logic you, okay? I'm saying don't...Just 'cause. I'm asking you not to. That's it. Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family -- that you are like a brother to me. So, if I'm asking you not to do something...You got to trust me, man. CASTIEL: Or what?

Dean says he isn't going to logic Cas. Bobby and Sam and Dean already tried that earlier that day, Balthazar will also try later, and it doesn't register. Dean puts all of the technical arguments aside and is trying to say (coupled with his earlier assertions) "I know you think you have to do this, but all of us can see you're going off the deep end and even you know that deep down. Please trust us on this." But Cas's response is "Or what?" He turns it into a battle of wills, then adds, "You can't stop me. You're just a man", which is also a dogwhistle for Dean when dealing with angels, who repeatedly over the course of the show, have called him a monkey, a dog, a pet, and other things to express the idea that he is beneath them as a justification for using and hurting him. It immediately turns them against each other because Cas feels like Dean is basically calling him crazy and is offended by the idea that he doesn’t know what he’s doing (even though he has his own private doubts, because at this point his self-image hinges on turning out to be right). Dean is seeing the angelic sense of superiority come out—something he’s far more familiar with than he’d like to be—something common to the angels who have used and manipulated and threatened him and acted entitled to him… and coupled with all the questions about exactly how involved Cas was in using Dean to get alphas over the course of the season and how he knows Cas used him in “The French Mistake”? It doesn’t paint a pretty picture for Dean.

In addition to their profound bond, I think Dean saying, "Cas, we can fix this!" and Dean being Cas's defender the entirety of 6.20 is also why Cas comes to him at the end of the episode. Dean is the weak link in the chain at the time (that completely changes in the next episode when Lisa and Ben are kidnapped). But Dean is also so devastated about all the faith he had in Cas's honesty being crushed, and he's reliving the demon blood arc in some sense, and he's probably reevaluating what he felt when Cas used him in "The French Mistake" and what exactly was going on in "My Heart Will Go On" and how—when Crowley forced him and Sam into doing his bidding, Cas knew it and he let it happen—he let it happen because he wanted the alphas. Not only did Cas know Crowley was using them—he went to great lengths to cover up his involvement and keep them off Crowley's tail. Cas's speech in the following episode demanding Dean's trust again is not only ill-timed while Dean is worried sick about Lisa and Ben—it's full of lies and half truths and even a little shit slinging that Dean knows isn't fair and that is deeply reminiscent of Sam's speech full of falehoods about trust in 4.21.

On Cas's side, I think you're spot on about his lack of cognizance on how he comes across when he says:

CASTIEL: I came to tell you that I will find Lisa and Ben, and I will bring them back. Stand behind me, the one time I ask.

I don't think Cas meant to suggest that the first statement depends on the second one (we can judge as much when he heals Lisa at the end of the episode) but that's absolutely how it comes across.

[genericpuff]

I dont think snailords is literally going to end the series in 20 episodes. I think he is plotting the rest of the season and has the option to extend it 10 or 20 episodes.

That's not what he implies in his post, though, at all. The wording is very clear:

He's not saying "I have the ending for Death : Rescheduled planned out but I have this one mini arc I want to do before it", he's literally saying "the comic is ending whether you like it or not, but if you give me $1k I'll make sure it's 20 weeks from now instead of 10." He doesn't say he's plotting out the end which is however far from now, he just goes straight into "I'm gonna end the comic in either 10 episodes or 20". And then of course even goes to say "decide whether you want 20 more weeks with Kissae and Kreyul, or 10 more weeks to say goodbye". If he didn't want to give his readers the impression that that meant it was ending within that time range... then why phrase it like that? It doesn't help either that his phrasing is supported by his updates, where he says shit like:

(Also I couldn't find them but there are other screenshots out there of him saying shit like "thanks for showing you love the series" in a way that's frankly rude af because it's basically like he's asking for money for his readers to 'prove' they love him and his work, and that wouldn't be the first time he's done that either.)

If he is saying what you're suggesting, then he's not being clear about it at all because the language is very seriously implying that it's going to be ending when it returns. Which I'd hope it isn't considering what other readers are pointing out that the story has basically just gotten going and I'd hate for this to turn into another Freaking Romance situation, but I don't know how else we're supposed to read "

And, as I mentioned in my post about it, why on earth even contemplate putting in this mini arc that he's asking for $1k as a deciding factor over if he doesn't even have it written? He says he's way more confident just writing the finale arc as is, so why drag it out with an arc he's not completely confident in?

And of course, there's the urgency. If Death : Rescheduled isn't entering its ending arc after it returns from midseason hiatus - if it still has potentially years of storytelling left - then why now? Why suddenly ask your readers to buy $1k worth of merch in 24 hours or less to help you make a decision... if the actual consequences of that decision won't be made apparent for ages?

And at the end of the day, even if it's a possibility he meant what you're suggesting, that doesn't make it any less scammy to hold the comic's potential ending for ransom? Speaking as a comic writer myself of the last 10+ years, getting money from the audience in this kind of way has never ever been a deciding factor in how I write my work. Sure, things like stretch goals and Patreon milestone rewards are a thing, offering bonus chapters or NSFW art or just additional goodies if you hit a financial goal or if people sign into a certain tier, all that makes sense, but if what you're offering is worded specifically to make your audience panic - not saying "hey , you guys get an extra bonus 10 episodes if I hit this goal by this date" but rather "hey, you guys won't get AS MANY episodes if you don't pay me $1k in 24 hours or less" - and ultimately gets your readers an extra 10-15 episodes of an arc you're not even confident in writing ... the fuck is that, even? Just write the story you want to write, why do you gotta make your audience freak over not getting as much comic as they might want only to twist it into "surprise, it was for charity!" in the end?

The whole thing is silly and yeah, I'm calling it for what it is - a scam - because it's not the first time Snailords has taken advantage of his audience and played on their emotions and need for short-term gratification all for his own financial benefit. It's not even the first time he's tanked his own comic from rushing the ending simply because he was done playing with it. So at this point I wouldn't be surprised if the comic does come back and proceeds to spend 10-15 episodes waffling on a directionless mini arc before rushing into a 10 episode finale.

That said, that's all my two cents on it, you don't have to agree with me. I really don't feel like I'm misinterpreting his words but maybe someone else could enlighten me if there's something I'm missing here; that said, considering even his own readers were calling him out on this and that he never actually made efforts to clarify what could be poor language, I don't think I'm an outlier and I don't think there's even any misinterpretation happening. Maybe he'll prove me wrong, but I've yet to see this guy do anything to prove that he's capable of doing the right thing. And frankly, even if what you suggested turns out to be true and the comic goes on for a long while before actually hitting that $1k-funded mini arc (and again, I kinda hope it does just so we don't end up with a repeat of what happened with Freaking Romance) it doesn't make any of this feel less gross IMO.

[writeshite]

can u write a homelander x male reader, I'd prefer fluff but I dont really care. (Noone writes x male readers😭)

John wakes up to a second heartbeat. His soulmate’s guide is six years overdue, and the cuddliest, friendliest dog he’s ever met, a dark brownish-red golden retriever - John calls him Scout. Dr. Vogelbaum is surprised - firstly, that the universe gave John a soulmate, and secondly, that a dog managed to trot its way into a secure location with little effort - it takes three dead scientists before they realize Scout is here to stay. Vought hates Scout until he can make a profit. Some mediocre photographer snaps a photo of John carrying Scout after he’d run through the mud; it’s on the internet in under an hour and the highest trending photo in the United States by dinnertime.

‘Everything you need to know about Homelander’s soulmate.’

‘13 facts about golden retriever guides, and what that can tell you about Homelander’s soulmate.’

‘How to get guides to choose you.’

The internet dissolves into a mess overnight, and the subject of John’s soulmate is trending globally; the week before Valentine’s Day is his soulmate tour, thousands of people come along, and Scout becomes the face of the ideal guide. John feels so many things - proud when the world praises his guide, confused as Scout’s friendly demeanor makes it harder to find his soulmate, and downright murderous when a fan tries to drag Scout to her and get him to like her - Sitwell tries something similar to the latter, reaching out once to pet the dog, before getting her arm bitten. John laughs, his tone cold as Scout darts behind his legs. When the Seven is formed, the others are a mixed bag; John doesn’t care enough to pay them attention, and they do the opposite, openly gawking at Scout, eyes widening further when Scout outwardly prefers his company; they want to ask, but clam up when he glares at them, hesitant to touch the guide. 

“Can’t you take me to my soulmate, already?” he asks Scout one morning; the dog tilts his head, tongue hanging out, and John swears he nods his head in response. Scout grabs his glove, and darts off with it, dodging John as he attempts to grab him; John is just about ready to throw caution to the wind when Scout stops; John doesn’t, flying directly into a tree. He’s not knocked out, but it takes a moment for the ringing to stop; when his eyes open again, you’re standing over him.

“Oh my god, Homelander, sir, are you alright?” 

John never quite understood how people could just know their soulmate by sight, even with their guides, he just never understood how people were 100% certain, but now looking at you, it’s like his whole mind just screams ‘yes.’ You hold out your hand for him to take, helping him stand, even with the gloves; your touch just feels right; Scout is the happiest John has ever seen him, tail wagging fast, “Oh, hello again,” you say to him, scratching Scout just behind the ears, you turn to John with a fond teasing smile, and he knows he’s already gone. “So, I guess this means the cat’s all you?” The cat is an orange ragdoll that, according to you, has scratched, bitten, hissed, and attacked anyone who came too close to you for her liking; John’s proud to hear that you named her Mochi, and he’s less proud of that, “Mean cats need cute names,” you simply state.

“What, you’re gonna give me a cute name too, then,” he snickers.

“I don’t see why not,” you eye him for a second, pursing your lips as you think of a name, “Snookums.” His face scrunches in horror, and you laugh, “Ok, ok, that was bad. Honeybun? Pudding? Pumpkin?” You rotate through so many names, each one as sappy as the last one, John’s expressions fueling your laughter further - there’s the distinct sound of a camera shutter, but John ignores it - placing a hand over your mouth as you dissolve into giddy hysterics. “Alright, point taken,” you say, and John is acutely aware of how close he’s pulled you to him. “How about your name then? I can’t just call you Homelander forever.”

“John,” he says.

“John. Johnathan,” You try the words on your tongue, “Jonnie, Johnny Boy.” You shake your head, “Yeah, I’ll stick with John.” You smile, giving John your name, “Nice to meet you, John.”

[yanderepuck]

OMG I DIDNT REALIZE THAT U DID LIKE. SELF HARM COMFORT FICS I JUST READ YOUR ARTHUR ONE ITS SO GOOD!!!! IIF YOU DONT MINDD could you do likee MC asking one of the guys to kill them..?! I'm curious abt what certain reactions would be!! uhmm you can choose which character to do but preferably leo, arthur, or theo? :3 TYSMM

I'll do lil headcanons of the the three.

THAT BEING SAID!!!! YOU READ THE ASK!!! YOU KNOW WHAT IS COMING. IF YOU DON'T LIKE ANGST OR DON'T WANT TO BE TRIGGERED THEN DO NOT READ THIS POST. I ALWAYS ASK FOR YOU GUYS TO INTERACT IWHT MY POSTS BUT I UNDERSTAND IF YOU CAN'T WITH THESE ONES. BUT EVERY COMMENT IS APPRECIATED

Leonardo

He looks at you after he heard those words. Did he hear you right? Did he just hear you ask for him to kill you? So many thoughts were going through his head and he wasn't sure which one to focus on. This man has a fear of harming you. Yes he won't bite you but that doesn't mean he wants you to die.

You are sitting on the bed crying. You have been in a depression pit for a little over a month now. You can't find motivation to do anything. It might sound selfish, but he would be able to do it so easily.

"Cara mia..." he finally snaps out of his thoughts and pulls you into his lap. There's no chance of getting out of his grasp. You cry louder into his chest. He starts to rub your back, feeling tears form at the corner of his eyes. His voice is shaky but he forces it out. "I...I could never. I love you."

You clutch onto his shirt, just crying harder. Being alive hurts so much. Feeling nothing would be better at this point than constantly thinking of killing yourself. If you could just stop thinking it would help so much.

"I'll help you get through this. Don't worry," he talks softly, trying not to cry too much himself.

~~

Arthur

He freezes at those words. Hes been trained not to freeze in these conditions but how could he not when it's someone he loves.

You're sitting on the edge of his bed, crying. He just finished bandaging up your arm after you just tried to do it yourself. Did you really just say what he thinks you said. Your sobbing just gets harder. Your face is soaked, tears running down your chin and dropping off onto Arthur's hand.

"Love...I..I could never," he reaches up and holds your head between his hands, not caring how wet they get from tears. You didn't dare to move. You didn't deserve his touch but you couldn't muster the energy to move. "I love you-"

"Y-you said- you said you would do a-anything for me!" You half scream half sob. Was he just lying? He said anything.

Arthur gets on the bed with you, getting you to lay down with him. He wraps you in his arms and plays with the ends of your hair. Your cries don't stop. You want to push him away. You want to say horrible things. But you can only cry.

"Shh. Relax, love," he talks softly, holding back tears of his own the best he can. He's not even worried about the blood all over you and him. You keep your arm close to your chest, wanting to keep some distance between the two of you. You don't deserve to be held.

He kisses the top of your head. He thinks back to when he worked as a doctor and how he would help his patients. "Why don't I tell you a story?"

~~

Theo

He blacked out for a moment. Kill you? No no. This couldn't be happening. The two people he loves the most are both-

He snaps out of it and quickly wipes the tears from your face. "Hondj- Liefje..I could never," he brushes the hair out of your face. His touch is soft and gentle. He doesn't take his eyes off yours.

Your eyes seem so lifeless, like there's no light behind them. He's seen this look plenty of times before and he never thought he would see it on you.

"T-Theo pl-please," you plead through your tears. "It hurts. I hurt so much," he's strong. He could make it quick and painless. He would barely have to try.

He's desperately trying to find the right words to say. "I-I can't" tears form at the corners of his eyes. "You can hate me if you want but I could never hurt you. I love you."

You can't look him in the eye. You're too.. embarrassed? No. You're scared. Scared to see the look on his face.

"Come here, Liefje," he pulls you into his body. Not caring how wet you get his clothes. He's not letting you go.

[townslore]

if you're comfortable, i would love to know more about the akechi npd headcanon. i think it's a rlly interesting take on his character and i wanna learn more abt npd bc i have bpd and ig im interested in what people experience with the other cluster b personality disorders? i just kinda wanna know why you think he has it and also maybe some of the mental stuff he has to experience with it. doesn't have to be detailed or personal i dont wanna make u uncomfy! i just cant stop thinking abt this hc haha :)

im actually on a mental health break right now, but this ask intrigued me so im answering it anyway. first off thank you for staying kind throughout the whole thing :)

its kind of hard for me to really describe why i think a character has/is something, because things like personality disorders are still a wide spectrum and every person experiences things differently, and i dont wanna make it seem like theres a one-way to have npd, but im gonna try anyway!

there is a site which helped me immensely throughout my self-diagnosis, so if you want to read more about the topic than what im gonna say here, here u go:

lets start simple and the thing that makes it most obvious to me: the engine room dialogue.

people with npd can heavily rely on other people for their self-esteem, because narcissists usually have a very low one. thats why they take on many tasks ("i was extremely particular about my life, my grades, my public image—so someone would want me around!") and might overwork themselves for more praise and acknowledgement ("you wanted to be acknowledged, didn't you? to be loved?") because its what they need to not constantly crash. a crash is something that happens when you dont get enough supply—which can be words of affection, praise, acknowledgement, etc—and you internalize it, doubt yourself, feel disgusting and generally you get to a really low point. this is just speculation, but i can see goro having a ton of those, especially during the time the phantom thieves get popular and he becomes public enemy nr 1. thats also why i drew him thinking "i really need supply rn but i'd rather die than ask for attention" because vulnerability is also a big thing people with npd can struggle with. we dont want to be seen as weak—our narcissism is essentially a shield, so we're seen as tough, when in reality, our egos can be very fragile.

one thing that the engine room makes very clear and also other interactions goro has with akira, is that hes very envious of others who have had it better than him. especially someone like akira, who was thrown away by society just like he was, was able to move past it, found friends and is acknowledged by many people. goro is jealous of it all, and thats the thing; people with npd can feel like they're supposed to be special ( and to me, with goro explaining how he got his personas, and how he often calls others stupid, its clear that he does feel that way about himself to a certain degree ) and anyone who threatens that status, anyone who seems much more special than we are is seen as a legitimate threat. its an ugly feeling and it can make us hate even those we love for some time.

this attributes to dysregulation of our emotions too. people with npd often feel their emotions, especially negative ones, way more intense than they actually should be and have difficulty calming down due to that. negative emotions often linger for a long period of time and its hard to move on so we hold grudges. now this might come to no surprise to anyone that goro is a very angry and sad person. especially in the engine room its clear that even after the others extend their hands out to him, its difficult for him to comprehend and he still acts rather mean and calls them idiots for trying to "save" him. when someone with npd is experiencing a multitude of negative emotions, it may cause them to avoid other people or act aggressive towards them because they feel trapped. theres many explanations as to why goro is the way he is in the 3rd semester, and i dont think only one of them has to be correct, but i do think that with the knowledge of whats happening ( like: being under the control of someone else again, or having to work with people who are unpredictable and who have seen you at your lowest point ) makes him act out to keep all of them, especially akira, at bay.

in the duel against akira—im sorry i cant really quote it, i just have a general idea of it in my head rn—i read what he says in a way that makes it clear that he struggles with a superiority AND inferiority complex, which sounds stupid at first i know, but its fairly easy to explain. like i already said, a narcissist's self-esteem is usually pretty low and we rely on others to know how to feel about ourselves. theres two traits of npd that are necessary traits to have: being self-centered and feeling entitled to good treatment, and seeking admiration from others/liking to be the center of attention. so there is some kind of superiority complex going on, at least thats what i would call it in goro's ( and my ) case. we can feel on top of the world in one moment, but once we have a crash or experience intense negative emotions, its back to being the worst human being on earth. i dont think its ooc to say that goro hates himself, as some like to claim he only ever thinks hes better than everyone else. i think that just attributes to harmful stigma. with everything goro experiences in life, coping with narcissism to hide a fragile sense of being just makes sense to me.

theres more i could probably add here but this thing is long enough as is. please do keep in mind that many of my headcanons for goro are me projecting—but that doesnt mean theres no basis for it in canon as well, as i've tried to explain here. at first i actually thought he could have bpd, but i dont know enough about it to really judge that—so it could still very well be that, or both, i dont really know how it works! im rather new to this as well, and at first i was scared of doing any research because npd is so heavily stigmatized. i wish there were more people like you, anon.

if you have any more questions feel free to ask them :)

[astroyongie]

Wet Castle

Note: I can't find the request anymore on my inbox! Anyway this comes from a request that wanted a writing about yn x Wooyoung and x San with the mafia/gang tag. This part one, part two could come out if you guys enjoy this one!

Wet Castle 

pairings: Wooyoung x YN and San x YN 

synopsis: After growing up in one of the most dangerous Seoul Gangs, a strange accident made you decide to cut ties with your affiliation and leave the gang you were so attached with. You moved to Itaewon, doing small works for money, until the day you met Wooyoung, a nice guy next door who worked right under a small coffee shop. You can’t help getting closer to Wooyoung, knowing fairly well that your past life will never leave you alone.. 

Triggers: Mention of subtle smut, drugs, alcohol, hard language.

Part two: here

Part One

You inhaled the smoke, burning your lungs once more. The cold breeze caressed your blushed face, as you blow thick smoke into the air. You hated Itaewon. But it was still better than going back to Seocho District. At night, you would often find yourself in the apartment complex stairs, smoking one cigarette or two, while eyeing the drunk men passing by as they searched for another club to get. Women were nearby too, many dressed with short dresses, giggling like children whenever they got the attention of those richer than them. 

The streets raged in drunk and drugged people and foreigners looking for fantasies. It was a paradise for underground business and a nightmare for those who wanted to live a quiet life.

Fuck, you hated Itaewon. You just hated Seocho more. 

“Y/n?” a voice called and you lazily turned your gaze to the man in front of you. You sighed, standing from the stairs and taking another hit from your cigarette.

“Yeosang.” 

It has been 3 months since you left Zeeta, one of the most - if not the current most- renowned gangs in South Korea. You already knew, it wouldn't be easy leaving such life behind, none of the people you have ever met did. The only way out was certain death, and yet there you were. Hanging by a thread, not fully out, not fully in. 

Yeosang bowed his head swiftly at you, before reaching inside his pocket. He pulled out a small envelope before extending his arm to you. You looked up into his blazed eyes, blowing out the smoke before taking in the small envelope. It was heavy and you could smell its contenance from distance. Money. Dirty money. 

“You can go now.” You ordered and Yeosang tsked.

“I don't take orders from you, white tiger.”

Your annoyed glare didn't seem to make Yeosang react. You have known him for years now, and your intimidating gaze was routine for him. Looking up in the sky, he added. “He wants to know when you are coming back.”

You stayed silent, the uneasy feeling coiling at the base of your stomach. Turning around, you took one step up the stairs before answering, swallowing the aftertaste of this visit.

“I won’t. Tell him to stop sending me money. I dont need it.” 

You didn't look back. Instead you went straight back to your flat, feeling suddenly colder. It was only once you had closed the door behind you, after hearing that click of the lock, that you allowed yourself to breathe in and out. You hated Seocho. But you hated him more. 

… 

The Pirate Coffee Shop was probably the only positive thing in Itaewon. Their coffee was strong and bitter, enough to make you pull a comfortable expression, each time the liquid poured down your throat. The pastries were sweet and the smell of freshly baked goods usually made your body relaxed. Although you didn't eat them that much, being surrounded by it made you feel somehow calm. You take it for a habit to come over each morning, sitting always on the same table in the front of the big windows, at the bottom of the shop. You had become an usual customer to the point where ordering wasn't even necessary. 

It felt comfortable. It felt nice. To have the sun heating your face while you read your books or the newspaper. You almost felt like a normal civilian when you did so.

The waiter came, pushing a hot black coffee in front of you, alongside a pistachio croissant. You removed your eyes from your book, furrowing your brows when you saw the pastry. It's been a week now, that you had been receiving food that you had never once ordered. At first you didn't even complain but now, it had happened way too much to be a simple coincidence.

“I didn’t order this.” you called out, before looking up and meeting the almond eyes of the waiter. Ah yes, the waiter. The small etiquette on top of his blouse clearly said “Wooyoung” but you had been mentally calling him brat, for quite some time.

The brat would always pester you with questions about your living, making small talk that you often tried to turn down. you weren't stupid, you could clearly see that he had been trying to hit on you, but you wouldn't allow yourself to enjoy his company. Not now, at least.

“It's on the house,” the boy said, a ravishing smile ripping through his face.

“You said that yesterday,” you mumbled and eyed the pastry with a watering mouth. Wooyoung had been working at this coffee shop for about a month. At first, he would avoid you, as the owner would always be the one taking your orders and serving your black coffee. That until this brat started to serve you. You didn't mind at first, it was their job after all. But it's been a week now, that the insolent has been offering you food like you were a homeless person. 

“I saw you look at it this morning,” Wooyoung explained, pulling the serving plate against his chest, the same smile covering his features. “I thought you might want to try it.”

You licked your lips in an attempt to hide a seemingly smile. “Did I?”

“Yeah.”

“Wooyoung!” The owner called from the countertop, his old wrinkles giving him a perpetual aspect of being upset. “Leave the customer alone and go to work, you rascal!”

“Yes boss!” the boy said before turning to you once more. “I am Wooyoung, by the way.”

“I know.”

Your reply seemed to have left him a little confused, but he did grin widely at you. Before he could ask for yours, the owner called him again, making the young boy rush to give the other customers their orders. You grinned slightly, eyeing the waiter for a few seconds as he kept doing his job. His  black hair was messily tied in a small ponytail, his dimples showing each time he would smile at someone inside the shop. Wooyoung was probably younger than you, for a year or two, you figured.

You pulled yourself out of your thoughts, looking back at your croissant. 

Maybe Itaewon wasn't that bad. 

…

“Maybe I should leave for the countryside.” 

You mumbled to yourself as you walked past the streets, the cold night making you push your hands deep into your jacket’s pockets. As per usual, Itaewon was crowded with people at night, foreigners looking for adventures and some fun, men looking for hookups and girls thirsting for attention that their parents couldn't give them. It was pathetic really, but you couldn't help but enjoy walking in the same streets they did. It somehow made you feel better.

Was it because they were as fucked up as you? Or maybe because you blended so well in this atmosphere, that you felt finally invisible enough not to worry about your safety. 

You truly didn't know. You craved freedom, a normal life without constantly worrying about tomorrow. Yet, you couldn't let go of the thrilling feeling of potentially dying tomorrow gave you.

The air was thick with the scent of smoke and alcohol. It was easy to spot the people that once worked below you. These insects of humans, wearing those green woodies, have pockets full of people’s wildest fantasies. Ecstasy, heroine, coke, cannabis. You name it, they had it. You still couldn't comprehend how one could be so stupid, that they felt the need to consume this shit to feel better within themselves. Life was shit no matter the things you put inside your body.

Hypocrite, you thought. After all, you had consumed the same crap they did, more than once. 

You turned left, walking back to your flat. It was getting late, and you didn't feel like drowning yourself in alcohol anymore. Reaching inside your back pants pocket, you took your cigarette pack, sighing in annoyance when you noticed only one left. You didn't have any money on you either, so it wasn't worth it to go and buy some now. 

Looking forward, you already could see the stairs to your flat, a couple of minutes away, and even the faint light of the Pirate Coffee Shop, which was probably going to close soon. You took the last cigarette and brought it to your lips, stopping your steps in order to light it up. Before you could reach for your lighter, you saw an old man coming to you, lighter bright.

“Please, allow me, doll”

The man said before lighting your cigarette. You gave the man a quick look, as you inhaled smoke to light your poison. He was old, his clothing was not that expensive to be worthy of your attention. A pity, otherwise you might have joined him for some fun. Once your cigarette lit, you took a step back, bowing your head slightly before passing through.

“Hey!” the man called, his voice slightly annoyed. “Hey, those aren't manners! You should say thank you, bitch!”

“Piss off, I am not in the mood,” you neutrally said. Men, they always thought they were entitled to do whatever they wanted, just by doing the bare minimum. You felt a pressure on your arm, before you were turned around with force. The surprise of the movement made you drop the cigarette into the ground. The man grabbed you by the collar, as your eyes were still fixed on your last freaking cigarette, burning away on the dirty ground. 

“Hey bitch, maybe I should teach you some manners”

“Old man..” You murmured, before glaring at him, feeling your patience running thin. “Do you want to die?”

“Huh?”

You felt your hands turn into fists, your body shifting slightly to accommodate his grip. He reeked of alcohol, pupils blown wide and his breath made you nauseous. Taking care of vermin like him was easy. A right blow under his shin and this guy would be knocked off until tomorrow morning. He probably had his wallet with him, so that would be a big win for you. You just needed to hit, now. 

“Hey!!! What do you think you are doing!”

Your eyes widen at the voice reaching behind you, making you instantly release the muscles of your hand. The old man raised his eyebrows before letting go of your collar, his confused eyes glued to the men that stood behind you. You looked back, seeing Wooyoung approaching. He wasn't dressed in his waiter clothing anymore, his dark jeans suiting him like a glove and his long jacket covering half of his body. The brat stopped by your side, wrapping a hand around your shoulders which made you freeze in place. The nerve this damn rascal had-

“Back off, or I will call the cops,” Wooyoung said in a serious voice, making the other man tsked in annoyance.

“I wasn't doing anything wrong, you got it all wrong.”

“You were gripping my girlfriend, am I wrong?” Girlfriend? this bastard must be out of his fucking mind-. Your thoughts stopped when you felt Wooyoung pulling you closer to his side. The old man mumbled something under his breath, before waving in an apologizing manner, turning around. You hated men. You truly did. Once the old man was out of sight, you pushed away from Wooyoung's grip, who smiled down at you. 

“Gosh, good thing I was here-”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” you asked angrily, making the boy in front of you look down at you in surprise.

“Sorry?”

“We don't know each other, why the hell did you did that for?” Wooyoung kept looking at you, dumbfounded by your statement before shrugging lightly. 

“You don't need to know someone to help them, you know.”

You stayed silent, eyeing him once more before he turned his gaze to the side, his dimples disappearing under what seemed to be a small pout. Fuck, was this guy this childish? You cleared your throat, embarrassment starting to crawl up your spine. 

“Sorry,” You ended up saying, rubbing the back of your neck “I didn't mean to sound ungrateful.” 

The brat looked at you again, giving you a small smile. You tried to ignore it, turning your gaze forward before walking down to reach your flat. This was quite a night, and honestly you just wanted to crash on your bed and sleep it out. You frowned as you noticed the damn bastard following you, his long legs reaching your side. 

“What are you doing?” you asked

“I am accompanying you until you reach home safely, of course.”

“I don't need that.”

“You could encounter another drunk guy you know. It's dangerous around here.” 

You sneered. “I can handle that much.”

Wooyoung chuckled which made you look at him in confusion. There wasn't any malice in his eyes, they were soft and genuinely relaxed. This guy… truly was an irrational brat but you couldn't blame him. After all, he didn't know anything about you. He was too kind, too nice and you knew fairly well that guys like him did not last one day in your world. Wooyoung wasn't very tall, he wasn't very buffy either but he did smell nice. He definitely wasn't your type, but you could use him for your needs. You have always heard that good guys were a nice surprise in bed. Your last one night stands sucked ass, none of the guys you set up with were able to give you any type of satisfaction, and you were tired of having to think about him, to get off. You needed a change. 

When you reached the stairs of your flat, Wooyoung stopped. You took a few steps up but upon noticing that he wasn't following you, you turned around. 

“Good night, then.” He said, a tender smile covering his tired face.

“Do you wanna get a drink at my place?” You asked, unbothered by his surprised reaction. Wooyoung’s face turned a very pale pink but his answer did not match his body language. 

“I won't go drinking in someone’s house, to which I don't even know the name of.” 

That sneaky bastard.. you smiled this time, turning around as you kept walking up the stairs. “Your loss then, brat.”

“I will see you tomorrow morning,” He said back, an amused timber tingling in his voice, from the name you had called him. You bit your bottom lip before replying without looking at him

“yn.. it 's yn.”

You left Wooyoung there as you reached the door of your flat. Taking the keys out of your pocket, you insert it on the lock, your eyes narrowing as you notice that the door was unlocked. Fuck.. fuck.. someone was inside. You gulped down, taking a deep breath before twisting the knob of your door. Once you reached inside, the lights were out and the faint scent of spice and musk cologne hit your nostrils. You felt your body coil in a strange sensation as you reached your living room. 

There was he. Sat on your couch, cigarette on his lips. Even in total darkness you could see the patterns of his tattoos designing themselves up from the few unbutton bottoms of his white shirt to his neck. The oni mask tattoo that covered his left hand as he took the cigarette out of his mouth to look at you, made you shiver. 

Your Past.

Your Present.

Your Future. 

The Red Dragon. 

“Yn” he called your name, a deep voice making your knees weak and your mind foggy. 

“San.”

[dateamonster]

so like. think abt a cyberpunk scifi story, and its about ghosts.

except when i say ghosts i dont mean like the way were used to. spirits and spectres, visitors from beyond the grave with unfinished business to resolve and all that. what i mean is, in a future where the corporate control of the internet and subsequent privacy and data sharing/selling issues are even more exasperated, not even death can protect you from exploitation.

with the physical world becoming more and more inhospitable, many people live practically their entire lives online. and after death, their various accounts immediately become forfeit and their digital footprint, everything from social media posts to search history to whatever random bits and bites they leave behind, is compiled into an advanced ai program that uses that information to simulate an entire "person", a ghost made out of data.

these post-mortum simulacrums are then sold off to the highest bidder. if youre lucky, and wealthy, you may be able to win the rights to your loved ones digital remains, to with as you will. but more likely their ghost will be recycled into whatever form is deemed most profitable appropriate, as detailed in the all powerful terms and conditions. dead artists and musicians and creatives of all kinds are fed directly into the Content Generation machine. particularly charismatic or empathetic individuals become chatbots, bringing that "human" touch to automated customer help bots and mental Wellness apps and the like. if you didnt have (or at least document) any particularly notable talent in life however, odds are your ghost will simply become one of the innumerable faceless, mindless dead mining crypto and generating random text sequences like infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters for all eternity. a modern purgatory if there ever was one.

doesnt count as a human rights violation. after all its only a reflection of a reflection, humanity as seen through a pinhole, a thin beam of refracted light. and if this assemblage of random points of data occasionally spasms out some indicator of distress, just give it a new command to keep it focused and on-task, rinse and repeat.

the person is gone. only an echo remains. but it still falls to the corporations to decide how that echo is used.

at one point a certain company collects such a large number of mathematically-minded ghosts that they are able to assemble them into a powerful probability algorithm which generates likely outcomes to nearly any given situation in real time. essentially, a bot that can see the future, and tell it to you in a cheerful synthetic voice. in theory at least. in reality, the early trials of this cutting edge technology come out a little dodgy.

sure, the subjects who interface with the bot report a high level of overall accuracy. those that are still responsive after their trials at least. the problem is, to accurately account for the extremely high number of branching outcomes that are produced by any given action, the subject needs to be communicating with a massive number of these data ghosts at once. the glitches that occur therewithin this complex operation... could be due to a number of factors. user error? hardware limitations? there must be some reason that after a stretch of time, all subjects begin to report phantom voices, whispers, things that a glorified statistics model simply shouldnt have reason to say.

more data may be required.

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

Trapped Inside A Scapegoat: Astral Traveling & The Truth About Certain Demons & Entities

So I wanted to bring up some things about demons, lower entities and the dream states that we fall into when we are asleep in the night. I will never forget my first encounter of seeing the unseen, but one particular story I have in mind puts me back into a spell.. Its like a hazy feeling, I never knew how to explain the things that happened but it scared me to the point that I could never sleep past 2:30, and if I was still awake I stayed awake until dawn. Boy, high school was a drag.

Just an fyi, if you dont believe in spirits or the spiritual realm then this isnt for you. k? k. <3

On these nights I couldn't sleep, it would be because of the sleep paralysis that would happen and the weird energy I would be forced to recognize during these hours. As well as seeing things that just did not make sense, I would look at the clock to see it was either 2 am to 4 am. Never an in between.

So, I wanted to go in with a little story time, maybe this will help me unbox some things that happened. Because after a long ole while, after this event, my life changed... seemingly more depressive, and anxiety would be in the forefront of my reality for a long while.

Back when I was a teen, I remember cakin' on the phone with this one guy I had the biggest crush on, and it was around 2:30 at the time. At about 3:00 I told him I was tired and quickly laid down to rest.

So let me give you guys some details. I normally like to rest on one side of my body, typically on the right side and in my room I face the window. So from my memory, our conversation lasted til 3:08. I NEVER forgot the time. Sometimes Im a quick dreamer, so I go to bed pretty easily. Anywho, I remember the dream started where I was in my room. It was really interesting, me and a few people that I knew from high school (and my old school that I had just recently moved away from) were practicing some cheers because we were training to be on the cheer team. It was weird. In the dream some of them had on cheerleader gear, and some of them we're outside the front of my room where I could see them thru the window. The girls told me they would be right back as they we're going to get their things for the cheerleading competition/training, they run out the room and the next thing you here is a bunch of rumbling... theirs voices speaking from around the room but i don't see nobody. next thing you know everything goes black. the blacker it gets the louder the voices... i realize from this point their speaking in an unfamiliar language... latin almost. or whatever they were saying was backwards... at this point i was able to open my eyes and i see a dark figure standing right in front of me. What took me off guard was that its eyes, they we're like stars and had this intriguing shine to it. It was 'bald' but had a human-like body but no mouth ears and barely even a nose... I could feel it touching me, the back of my neck had chills as you can tell thats where it was touching on me. I grew scared but remembered I could get up.

And then boom. I woke up.

But this is what i thought was weird. Remember when I said I was sleeping on my side? I woke up on my back, facing the mirror. I looked at the time and it was 3:16 am.

What. The. Fuck.

I had barely slept? How could that be? All of this happened within a matter of minutes. I was exhausted. I said, 'Was this the devil?'

Quickly I ran into my grandparents room, lmao, yeah I know. I was scareeeeeeeed. My room felt cold after that. I had to go.

And for a while, that wouldn't be my last encounter. I mean, the thing went away, but there was more to come. At this point, I had to face the mirror. I mean literally face the mirror because its the center of the room and my bed faces it. But I had to sleep... This would go on for many months until one day it just.. sorta stopped. I began my journey of law of attraction, numerology, and metaphysics at this point and grew a little happier. So maybe it was destiny.

So let me get into a few things about this dark shadow being and some tips about whats going on:

Mirrors are shapeshifting portals. Their portals to other dimensions. And 'entities' can & will come through here in the access of dreams/illusions/nightmares etc.

3 am is considered the 'devil-hour' - this is when the veil to the spirit realm is unlocked and you can see more outside of the veil.

Fear and lower energies can 'attract' these beings to your door step. They can smell it on you.

That 'shadow' being could be insight to whats deep inside of yourself. Your power. Your Energy. Your light. Even on the other side it's noticed.

So when I seen this being, I was shook out of my mind. But wait.. after moments and time of introspection. I've learned that it's mirroring back at me something I never thought I would ever thought was me.

Months later I digged into astrology, numerology, found some things about angel numbers, started trying to process the spiritual realm much more clearly. Because the thing kept happening to me, and I was always an anxious & yet fearful girl, I knew there was a bit more strength in me.

When the thing came, I was trying to get out a depression when I was at my old school and once I had finally returned back to my hometown I was little happy. But at night, our darkest feelings, our inner shadow shows its weight, and also our potential.

I've tried tapping into that 'fear', and have learned there is so much more about me due to the dreams I've had of my future. It takes me back to the shadow figure from that night. Because why we're you there?

Also, what stuck to me the most was that a friend at the time told me that if you see something like that and it touches you, some sort of witchcraft might be on you... another topic, for another day I suppose.

But it always stuck with me, because... how so?

At the time when I was in high school and seen these weird entities because again, this went on for MONTHS. Every other day and night. I noticed before then I had a fear complex, thats what I'll call it. Always anxious, always sad, always depressed, been that way since a young girl. So now we get to the part where we talked about a trapped consciousness.

Because immediately when that happened, I went straight to church with my grandma ! Lol. No jokes. And later found out it was not the answer I needed. It wasn't working. Not to say going to church can't help or save someone, it just didn't have the answer I thought I needed. I went looking for some time when I would go.

What I want to say is, when you see things you cannot explain. You cannot run to the church, religion, or even a 'savior', because at the end of the day YOU have to learn it. You have to come to terms with it. And I've been learning. So so very hard, and its begin to giving me the dream & insight of what was truly around the corner.

My ancestors dream. Metaphysics, Clairvoyance, My dreams where trying to come thru in the astrals and when you are at your lowest these 'things' can come in and try to warp your mind/gifts/talents/ etc.

The final thing I will say here is that they feed off our spirits because in the lower realms they need 'fuel' to get to 'heaven' and you are the source of that. We the human are 'heaven' and some entities are parasitical and need life force to move to the other side.

So fear, guilt, shame, anxiety, depression etc is one of the lowest frequencies to be on because it is denser and its harder to move 'up'.

And when you live in those vibrations, your blocking your own destiny. Your truth, your light, your power all is unlocked once you move past it.

Another thing I will say is that not all 'lower entities' are evil. But for the sake of talking about demons and entities, I will save that for another post, to leave out any confusion.

[kabutoden]

i also really liked gamzee back in the day!! i was always kinda upset more effort wasn't put into trying to help him get better- especially when it got to the point an endearing character was just written off to be eternally a villain. so many time shenanigans to help bring back others/help others mental health, and yet gamzee was always just written off as a crazed murderer after a certain point?? felt like he stopped being a character and just became a force of nature. i like your more in depth look into the specific trauma he faced, makes him more like an actual person!

im so glad you like my interpretation of gamzee!! i was always really upset by how he was completely denied redemption after being introduced as a such a sweet and neglected kid who was in touch with his feelings enough to entirely reject acceptance of violence in his society. the narrative treats him really weirdly, i'm so glad i can talk about gamzee redemption+positivity with others!!

another thing i think about a lot is how rage is introduced in the narration as a biological function in highblooded trolls, but gamzee is still seen as culpable for his actions while in the rage state. tbf, its terrifying, but rose was never blamed for being manipulated by doc scratch into becoming grimdark the way gamzee is into becoming rage induced. it's all very weird. but also, i think moirails existing to 'tame a highbloods rage' is completely fucked and victim-blamey in a way, like 'oh you failed to calm his rage that's why he's bad now' and being built this way sets up a negative relationship. karkat's conflicted love and fear of gamzee makes me very sad and i dont think he should have the responsibility of caring for gamzee alone. it bothers me in fics when karkat cares for gamzee alone, because i dont think karkat's feelings for gamzee are unique; karkat's got like, four best friends. more even. sollux, terezi, kanaya, gamzee and dave all end up close to karkat and i think acting as a community would be more important and effective than a lone moralliegence with any one of them. bugs work together moment.

i'm also very invested in stories about creatures coexisting and caring for another who are biologically distinct, which i think i loved about the trolls from when i was 13. i really liked that the trolls were struggling against their 'fates' and the heavy pressure of biological essentialism in their society. i remember reading inverted caste fics where the same traits were instead seen as weaknesses rather than romanticized as strengths and being totally fascinated. thats why in bugstuck rage isnt thrown out as a concept, but instead changed as something similar to a prey drive in animals. some of my original fiction is gonna be all about stuff like this, acting as criticism and discussion of media like zootopia and beastars. im embarrassed to talk so much but thanks for listening! gonna reblog this with some more info

[chevelleneech]

So, this ask has been in making for quite some time and i assure you absolutely unrelate d to your recent post about km timeline, i started this ask way before that after ep5, but i feind you quite reasonable and civil so I am going to list down a few reasonable/plausible reasons of why there are certain discrepancies in the whole jikook narrative which sort of is overlooked or brushed over which sort of discredits the whole thing and, lets try to have a reasonable discussion rather than giving opinions on my(anon's) dumbness or whatever.

the recent bed softness/mattress talk in EPS 5, if they were partners (hell, even as friends/dormmates) and JK has all of them over all the time, seems like a preference that JM, as a partner, should know about. and yes, it was talked in a way that JK was letting him know his preference as a reason; otherwise, I would have said oh, that's too soft/hard.

jms depression talk in 2022 in the docu scenes/ that came out after the concert etc, is jk was not aware of anything his supposed bad mental state, his sleeping schedule, oh but jm's friend knew and helped him and he recognized it but it was all being made aware to jk as a friend and that was when they werent really doing any solo stuff. I mean, it's clear they didn't live together, but this is something that I would have thought jk would know, and don't come at me with the jm hides his thoughts. They all do, I would suppose it would be a bit diff for a SO.

jk asking to bring his stuff to jm in that vlive in morning so its good to assume they dont have stuff at eo's places + in April 2023 jk did not know any of face schedule and seeing it for the first time on a tv, when he was actually quite free through early jan/feb/sort of mar too. In the SMF pt 2 trailer, even Tae knew; suga also knew his schedule, but aside from that, he was even confused about the last day of jm's music show.

literally the first comments jm did on jk's live was followed by jm saying take care or how ar eyou something was clearly seperate and miles away from eo atleast for the past two years. whereas tae and jk were clearly closer with jk saying what are you doing here to tae as in they were doing soemthing before/playing as also confirmed in tae's vlive in feb was it? which was not rude but just continuing convo.

the infamous vlive of jk watching jm's content wasnt because of he missed him like people romantically state but because he was def. not up to date on his band member who is supposedly his couple but was catching up on his content bc he did not know when things were airing or when his schedules were or even talking to eo.

i have more which i do not recall fully at the moment (have sent asks about them in past and each time by each person its answered by a simple no or not possible w/o any reasoning (prob bc yall dont have it yourself) but i will def come back and point out if needed)

so talking about knwoing eo fav spices which is obv if jk and jm lived in a dorm for 10 years should know about,hell they know taht about suga as well, tae as well etc. is not a very proof of thier relationship infact its all these small unnoticable or brushed over things which show such discrepancies and holes in the whole narrative which should make a person think again and be reasonable. there are a few blogs, not yours (hence why I even came here, but you , akookminsupporter etc, are a few blogs that are actually reasonable) that pull such weird ass thoughts as if they know what km are thinking, it's surprising and concerning. all these points are no compare but to point fallacies which appear to exist if they are, in fact, dating. the recent mattress talk is what made me even more aware and why I thought I should try to have a civil discussion/ask about it.

Here’s my thing, I feel like all of these concerns and questions have been discussed at length many times over, so there is no answer I can give you, one you deem reasonable or otherwise, that will satisfy your curiosity.

The only reason I would imagine they talk about certain things the way they do, is because they either don’t already know the answers or they’re bullshitting for the cameras. The members have known each other for over a decade, as you’ve said. Jimin and Jungkook shared bed many times in their early years, and we know again, that Jungkook used to hang out in Jimin’s hotel rooms all the time. So in regard to your first question, isn’t it reasonable to assume he already knew JK wasn’t a fan of too soft mattresses?

They’ve shared a mattress so many times, that the idea of it having never ever been brought up until that day in Jeju simply does not seem likely. It makes more sense that he, for whatever reason, just didn’t want that particular bed. Could it be he just didn’t want to swap? Sure. Could it be the mattress really was too soft? Sure, either way, I don’t know. I also don’t know why he’d present his reasoning to Jimin the way he did, aside from: a) reiterating info people already know about you is normal or b) JM truly didn’t know and he was telling him. Either way, it doesn’t change what I think is likely going on between them.

2-4 are things neither of us know the full extent of. They don’t owe us 100% full transparency on what they’ve talked about together. We don’t have to know how much of Jimin’s struggles he shared with Jungkook, because we don’t know what their relationship status is outside of assuming they like each other and prefer being around one another. Personal struggles and whom Jimin decided to let in, is not our business, and whether or not he was open and honest with his potential partner falls into things we don’t need to know. If not knowing whether or not JK knew all of it tells you they aren’t together, so be-it. You don’t have to believe anything you don’t want to believe, if your experience and understanding of the world tells you not to.

I already said enough about 5. I already said I believe them saying they weren’t that much in touch during 2023, but it’s not an objective fact that JK was watching Jimin’s content because he wasn’t caught up. Same way it’s not an objective fact that he was doing it because he’s in love with him. It’s all subjective, as there were times where he said he didn’t watch something, then other times when he’s quoting Jimin before he even speaks, proving he did indeed watch the content. So perhaps he simply just missed him. As a friend or as something more is your choice to decide.

Basically, unless either of them reveal partners they’ve been with during these later years, the answers any of us want will likely never ever be given. At least not until it’s 2053, and one of them writes a tell-all. So you can think they’re dating, best friends, or just good coworker friends, but you can’t ask questions to strangers online in attempt to have them hash out the reasons behind something they don’t have the full details of.

I personally think Jimin and Jungkook have something going on. You don’t, and that’s perfectly fine.

[system-of-a-feather]

I think one of the wildest things about recovery thus far - particularly as a system with at least heavy psychological abuse and arguable programming - is just really realizing how much of my trauma narrative I've lived my whole life with was largely manufactured and wrong.

I'm not meaning in the sense 'its a lie' or 'I don't have trauma' because the foundation of my narrative was correct; my parents were abusive and neglectful, they were harmful and traumatizing

But the details and the impact and the understanding of my childhood and trauma was so fucking shaped, curated, controlled and directed by my sister - who until literally 21 or 22 I thought was my ONLY positive and supportive person in my life even when she was a leading player in our CSA

And at a certain point - I don't even remember what exactly, I think it started with XIV, then Data and Jii sharing concerning things, then her own actions both confirming and validating it - we really realized, of all our abusers and all our trauma-makers, our sister has and always been the most insidious

Because she was the ONLY supportive older person in our life and because she had been toying with us and our dissociative amnesia since before we could generally reliably remember things and she really got in there really young, we never really seemed to ever question ANYTHING she told us. She told us how our parents were. She told us how the world works. She told us how we had to act and how wed die if we didnt. She told us of conditions we didn't have but fully believed we did and how to cope with them. Our whole understanding of our family, life, and medical / physiological conditions were really almost entirely shaped by her.

And the past two or three years since we cut her off and humored challenging everything we learned from her? Realizing how much of it was controlling BS and just straight up wrong?

Most specifically, realizing that my parents were dumb and traumatized but genuinely doing what they could with what they knew to support us to the best of their ability? Most specifically that my parents, especially older, would really do whatever they can to make sure we suffer as little as possible and grow to be independent? Most specifically that they genuinely just want fair appreciation for massive financial help and nothing more when they offer HUGE support????

I have been regularly attacking my parents, denying support because its a "controlling trap", and fighting with my parents to defend my oldest sister for SO many years when literally it was all fucking because??? ???

My sister is mentally ill and traumatized so I also dont think she lied about the trauma / family / world perspectives she had but good god, to be the guinea pig, puppet, toy and projection project of someone so intensely not coping, not well, traumatized, paranoid (likely clinical) and refusing to seek help due to aforementioned paranoia.

Fuckin hell man

I vent about this more because its absurd and less because it hurts because honestly, the reality that I've learned is way nicer and preferred to the hell story I lived my life under

As much as it sucks, Im glad and happy to find out it was all wrong and my life is way better

But holy fucking shit is it a mind fuck to have your whole ass trauma narrative flipped on its head in two years after 6 years of PTSD / DID therapy

Save for like one abuser, all my most hated abusers are now some of my best supporters, and my only supporter is now the only person I have cut off.

Its so fucking wild

Especially as a fused whole because I just get random memories, a lot of good ones too, and really have to wonder What The Fuck Martha

[lemmetreatya]

In Words I struggle to Express — Bassists!Onyankopon x Singer!fem Reader

➡️ synopsis: the launch party went absolutely great and the after partys going to be even better! but somehow, it was a certain someone’s presence you were banking on in order for the night to truly be a success.

➡️ word count: 2.3k

➡️ content: no warnings

➡️ author’s note: fuck. okay. this is…very very self indulgent and basically based off our silly little mmbcu (dont ask) so ive tried to take out all the stuff that needs context so everyone can read it without too much issue. however for clarities sake: reader is in a girl group (called MMB) whilst reiner (drummer), zeke (vocalist), jean (vocals/guitar) and onyankopon (bassist) are in a band. at this point of time, Ony and reader aren’t in an established relationship.

if anything, id like to thank @pisspope for coming up with this specific idea earlier this week. i hope you know it’s rotted my brain ever since. thanks.

It was a success.

After months of constant tweaking, track ditching, debating lineups and self-doubt in your artistry — at final last: You had performed your album in full for your ceiling-packed launch party of family, friends and industry names alike.

Despite the shortcomings that came along with it, you hope the album lands well as it goes public tomorrow. Your band members have done their best in assuring you of it’s legendary status (“It literally serves cunt, you’ll be fine.”) and so there was only room for you to have faith that it’d do numbers — even if it was a diversion from your usual group's musical sound.

But even now, as the dregs of adrenaline still coarse through your veins, it’s just you left alone in the green room. You were only in the process of changing outfits, silk pink gown snuggly sat on your frame, but it was the creepinks of wallowing unfulfillment that somehow found its way into your heart.

Your band members and their other halves have graciously said that they’d set forwards on to the afterparty. Something about being ready to welcome you when you eventually do enter the venue where the after party was being held. You were okay with that — and thankful that they were thinking of you in that regard — but since it now left you alone with your own thoughts and own reflection in the mirror, you could feel your performing high start to come down and realisation kick in. That ultimately, despite the many wins you’ve received tonight, you were still alone.

“Can I come in?”

Rather than it being the knock, it was the steady voice you were oh so used to that reeled you out of your trance, your eyes finally locking back into focus. As you turn your head away from your reflection and into his direction, you could automatically feel your heart pick up pace.

“Well, doors open and you’re already halfway in so…”

A breathy excuse of a laugh leaves your throat — a sorry attempt at making yourself seem more pious for him than you actually were — but it was absolutely no help at all. Within his presence, you only ever felt more anxious than you should.

Onyankopon tries his best to force a laugh back but it doesn’t translate well. It seemed pained, even more forced than yours, and so you had to avert your eyes —  Save yourself from reading into something you didn’t want to.

You had to do that more for you than for him anyways. Because it’s been iffy with Onyankopon these past few months and with how he’s been treating you.

Not that you were complaining; He was a man who treated you to nice things and valued your opinion. A man who understood when you needed to be handled or when you could handle your own. A man who also understood your craft and was more than happy to aid his own. It was all well and good between the both of you and he was a gentleman wrapped in one. Only issue is that Onyankopon has never clarified what the fuck you two were.

Which, in itself, was off-putting. But concerning he had so much creative process on your album? (Actually, most of his band did, but since you possibly liked him just a tad bit better, his efforts were well more noticed) And considering you had to stick so many unsolicited hard hours alongside him? And keeping in mind how you were practically eye fucking him from the stage half the time you were performing your album — the sultry songs all directed at him?! You figured he’d somehow get the hint that you were open, willing, waiting for him to make a move.

As he cautiously took further steps into the room, you wonder if your requested audience would result in pushing him to make that move.

“I won’t take up too much of your time.” He hums with one arm suspiciously behind his back. 

He attempts to clear his throat yet he’s unable to do so the first time. It takes him several goes, a cough and a bat at his chest, before he’s able to achieve his goal. By now he just feels stupid, fumbling something as simple as this in front of you but he chooses to champion on.

You however, can’t help but find it endearing.

“No, you’re good. Still got a few minutes till we’re heading to the Ritz for the after party.”

You turn around in your chair, silk gown that crosses over the intersection of your chest one tug away from being labelled ‘provocative’. Unintentionally, but definitely welcomed.

“You coming, right?”

And you know you’ve tempted him — far more than you should be — because Onyankopon’s eyes automatically wander to the exposed skin of your chest. Stare locked on for several seconds before he’s forced to recognise his error and flick his eyes back up to meet yours.

“I…not this time.” He clears his throat again. “Which is mainly why I wanted to come see you now since I won’t see you after this.”

“Oh…”

You try your best not to look disappointed; for your shoulders not to sag and your bottom lip to stay free of being snagged between your teeth but it’s inevitable to stop the way your heart sinks halfway down your chest and your gut wretches inwards.

Right, of course. He was a busy man.

In your head, you know he probably had good reason to skip out on this big night of yours, but you can’t help the small teasing voice that reminds you that every one of his bandmates found a way to clear their schedules in order to make the party tonight. Everyone but him.

Subconsciously you tug the material of your gown over your chest.

“Maybe next time then.” You feign. Suddenly you don’t feel enthusiastic for your own event.

Onyankopon knows he’s fucked up your mood and he’s mentally kicking himself for doing so. Personally, he wasn’t going to say anything— just not show up and let you enjoy your time without him. But it’s Reiner, the drummer of their band, who nudged him to at least apologise for not coming.

Actually, Reiner nudged him to say a lot more than just his apologies for not being able to make the after party. He had berated Onyankopon in wisdolic manner about asking you out properly as opposed to keeping you exclusively on his arm. A proverb about ‘hope deferred making the heart sick’, “And you don’t want her to be sick because of you, do you?” He warned. 

In all honesty, he didn’t hate what Reiner was saying. He really did want to make a move on you! And he genuinely had the intention to as well. He also thought it’d be ideal to ask you out considering he was very much planning on taking you to go meet his parents soon but…

It just wasn’t the right time.

“It’s never the right time, is it?” Says a more nihilistic voice in his head, but he ignores it for sanity’s sake.

Onyankopon shuffles his footing.

“I’m sorry. Something really important popped up and you know I’d usually be there and…Look, I just wanted to come see you and mention you were really great out there. I know we, well, more you, worked really hard on this album and all but I genuinely just want to say that I’m really, really, proud of you.”

There’s a twitch of recognition on your face but the man’s rambled words did nothing to lighten your mood. You only turn your head back to your reflection in the mirror.

“Thank you, Onyankpon.”

Okay, you’re using his full name. That’s how he knows you’re upset at him.

Now he’s regretting even coming here. Onyankopon doesn’t want to go round blaming Reiner for your lack of reaction to him but deep down, he knows that’s all him. He knows that either way, mentioned or not, his absence would have upset you. He doesn’t want to now give you even more reason to be upset so he guesses he should start wrapping this up. 

“Congratulations on the album launch. That was the main thing I wanted to say. I should have started with that first…”

With an outstretched arm from behind his back, Onyankopon offers you a box of luxury chocolates and a freshly picked bouquet he could fit all in one hand. In all honesty, he would have definitely gotten you something bigger, better than you could have ever imagined! 

But, he just didn’t have the time. 

“You never have the time—“ “Shut up. I know.” The voice in his head is cut short. 

However, contrary to the heart felt gift, it seems your attention can no longer be brought. Despite his presentation, your expression is fixed and occupied on your reflection. Onyankopon suddenly wonders whether you were always this down when he wasn’t around. 

You sniff once but not because any tears were about to grace your face. 

“Thanks.” You say without looking back at him. “You can put ‘em over there with the others.”

Onyankopon’s gaze follows where your eye line draws to within the mirror. 

Sure enough, towards the side of the room there's a table where a mountain of gifts, flowers and congratulatory efforts lay. Onyankopon takes two steps towards it before sheepishly laying down his now rather measly looking present within the only sliver of table available. 

If he didn’t feel so out of depth with you, he would have dryly laughed at how low effort his offering was in contrast to Jean’s, his band’s guitarist. 

As he could see, the man had brought you an expensive bag bouquet — a gift extravagant enough to take up half the wall behind it. There was even a large bottle of champagne and a D’usse that tagged along with it and a card that had your stage name curved in beautiful calligraphy. 

You and Jean didn’t share a relationship anywhere as near as efficient as you and Onyankopon’s to warrant this type of gift, but he guesses his bandmate took great pride in the help he had on your album. Onyankopon even feels a sense of irate jealousy as he remembers how the two of you danced back-to-back on stage as Jean played his guitar solo during your final song. 

His throat runs dry at memory recall of the performative sight. Surely, all of that was to provoke him. 

“Sorry.” You suddenly blurt out and Onyankopon’s attention is instantly brought back to you — the physical you. 

“I kinda need to get ready now. Vans almost in front.” You drastically avoid his eye contact. “If I could just have these last few minutes alone that’d be great.”

With your last sentence mumbled and your hands playing at your gown, he knows you’re not telling the whole truth but he was honestly out of his depth here. All Onyankopon could do was fulfil your wishes. 

“O-oh! Oh, sure! Sure, yeah I’ll let you…I’ll let you get to it.”

With almost bashful demeanour, Onyankopon backs away from the table and makes a beeline towards the door. 

But it feels wrong. It feels incomplete. 

It’s not like he wanted to force himself against your boundaries but he just knows that if he leaves now without saying anything — he might just wound your ebbing relationship beyond repair. 

In some sort of divine intervention, Reiner’s words about not being the ‘hope deferred’ that resulted in making you sick, kicked in. As soon as the phrase comes to him, a looped smile starts to grow onto his face. 

“Now's the time!” His inner head voice says and for once, he lets it speak. 

Stopping in his tracks, Onyankopon mentally gears his courage up before turning on his heels and blurting out the first thing that came up his throat.  

“Hey, uh…look, I really do feel bad about not being able to make tonight. I wanna make it up to you so how’s your availability for the day after tomorrow?”

You’re surprised by his offer but you don’t wholly show it. It’s the way you pretend that his preposition didn’t excite you that made Onyankopon want to burst out in laughter. You were so cute when you were trying to be aloof. 

“Depends.” You shrug as your eyes actively avoid his. “I have an early morning promo interview for the album and my evenings fully booked.”

Onyankopon enthusiastically nods. 

It made sense you were busy concerning the work needed to be done for your album drop but Onyankopon was determined. Onyankopon wanted to make this work! 

“Okay, that’s fine. How’s lunch time for you?”

There is a look of ponder on your face and a sparkle in your eye. You roll your lips in contemplation before quote mark nonchalantly, shrugging your shoulders. 

“Relatively free.” You quip. 

Yes!

“Great! Leave it open for me. I’ll take you out on a date.”

Onyankopon is pumped enough that he’s already heading out the green room and so you get up from your chair to shout after him.

“Wait— Ony, to where?”

The man turns round to face you, a ghost of a smile gracing his lips. Not the most infectious smile but it’s his and so automatically, you’re drawn to it. 

“Don’t worry about that. Just dress comfortably. I’ll pick you up from whatever studio you’re recording at.” He says before making his way out. 

With a huff of disbelief, you sag back down into the chair. 

It wasn’t unbelievable that within the spur of the moment, Onyankopon had thought up a date to take you to. He was like that — It was kinda his thing — but there was something about this particular mystery date that you found yourself looking forward to. 

The same smile from before grew larger on your face and your reflection in the mirror relayed the same message. 

Suddenly, you didn’t feel so down anymore.