#life isnt about avoiding suffering

[yearningleaves]

on love, pt. 1

Paul Kalanithi, When Breath Becomes Air / bell hooks, All About Love / Joseph Campbell / Hozier, "Wasteland, Baby" / bell hooks, All About Love

[autism-corner]

always caught between 'im taking necessary rest' and 'actually im probably just avoiding hard things and am plain weak' =3=

[apollo-zero-one]

Too old to be a kid too young to be an adult just the right age to cry myself to sleep

[samwisefamgee]

family sucks :)

[hoyotournament]

FINALS!!! Furina vs Kiana Kaslana

(Propaganda under the cut)

Furina:

the girl who saved fontaine. condemned herself to a life of silent pain and suffering without any warning or preparation. she could confide in no one, seek out help from no one, all while bearing the weight of her entire nation on her shoulders. not only did her willpower save everyone in fontaine, but after the prophecy was averted, she was finally allowed to live a normal life.

Kiana Kaslana:

TLDR: she's kiana kaslana what do you MEAN!!!! kiana is a beautifully written character who fully encapsulates what hi3 is about and she's so full of love and guilt and (most importantly) hope. she's a clone who struggles with her own identity/inhumanity and traumas extending from when she was a young child and her guilt but is so so resilient and so so so so compassionate which ultimately reinforces her humanity :)

kiana's character IS the honkai impact thesis statement. i don't even mean it as in she's the literal main character and face of honkai i genuinely mean it when i say she just IS honkai impact. she reflects every single theme that they portray [hope over nihilism (chapter 25 || the flame chasers and just. the previous era in general), having agency over your identity and your own story (himeko, her being k423 and being so linked to sirin, everlasting flames || the kaslana household name honestly, bronya, fu hua, mei, sirin), believing in the humanity's inherent worth (chapter 25, arc city || elysia <- important since as a current era herrscher, she is a successor to elysia AND as kiana kaslana, she is a narrative parallel of elysia), having faith in the youth (himeko, kevin || the other flame chasers! notably su), etc.] her character being so reflective is also sooooo OUGH to think about when you view it as a reflection of honkai's 50,000 year samsara because kiana is a representation of these themes coming full circle (especially since many of these stretch back to the previous era and elysia).

SHE FEELS SO MUCH. she's so full of love and guilt. she clearly prioritizes others over herself and part of her arc is her learning to value and love herself as well!!! she would give herself for the world ten times over because she holds so much affection for humanity!! (WHILE FEELING DEHUMANIZED BECAUSE OF HER IDENTITY AS BOTH A HERRSCHER AND K423) and it's actively apart of her character's growth :'')

dear god her growth… okok. so i think first you have to understand that a lot of kiana's growth obviously coincides w general maturity as she grows from a teenager to a young adult. but aside from that i think people often forget that younger kiana is incredibly self sufficient since her father literally left her with little to no explanation when she was like. what 8? the insecurity she feels at that! the anger she has to navigate while also balancing it with her own feelings of missing and loving him. basically: kiana has struggled a lot w instability and is thus kinda good at navigating it. ex: she isnt shaken by nagazora and literally tries again and again and again to save mei and convince mei to let her help. the thing is this fucks w her a bit though because a big thing that she does as a means to cope w instability is avoiding them (not reflective of real life of course, but in the fictional hi3 this is partially represented in kiana's repressed memories about her actual origins as k423). she can not stand the realization that she killed himeko that she's so deep in denial and doesnt truly realize it until more than 10 chapters after himeko dies! she's so horrified with her being a herrscher she actively tries to not use her powers out of fear, even when it puts her in harms way (the chapter XI-EX CG!!!!!! her literally trying to kill herself!!) she literally runs away from her friends and loved ones because she's so scared of hurting them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! which is why her promise to himeko to not run away is so important!! because it addresses one of kiana's biggest flaws!!!!! this is especially important bc her refusal to continue her avoidance feeds into her arc during the herrscher of dominion chapters where she both faces her own guilt/identity and deliberately chooses perseverance and hope over nihilism!! she is hope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thatneoncrisis]

Genuine question as a white tlt fan who’s new to the series (and the fandom): can you talk a little more about the racist tropes you’ve encountered? I haven’t noticed any yet, but I’m not sure whether that’s because of self-selection/mostly avoiding smut fics & modern AUs or me not picking up on racialized elements properly.

its like a sliding scale thing born from the colorism thats woven into the books themselves. the physically bigger and buffer cavs all being darker than their necros, excluding the second and third who are roughly the same complexion to their pairs, and the sixth who is unspecified though its noted cam has an olive skin tone and pal is never mentioned.

its characters in the books cracking jokes that gideons thickheaded or silly around women when shes actually really thoughtful and cares about. more than one thing at a time. and then fanworks making her physically unable to do fucking anything if it isnt about being butch in proximity to a hot white girl or harrow. its shit like g1deon, the darkest guy on the mitheraum, being johns quiet attack dog brutalizing our poor lightskinned protagonist with a fucking spear and gets very little insight on his inner life, and then people mandela effect-ing him into being a black man. like so many people have told me they thought he was black as far as ive seen hes just described as dark. he could be fucking anything him being the ONE black guy in the series maybe sucks actually.

its judith being relegated to this screaming vessel of suffering and madness being turned into like, coronas purse dog in fics. its gideon and pash consistently hcd as trans women and those two plus pyrrha being hulking top doms with huge dicks, while harrow and the third are rarely trans or when they are theyre always bottoming and demure and harrow has a really small cock.

[beesmygod]

i know an anon suggested ocd to you the other day, and i didn't see the original message but i know it was a bit fraught. but i am a longtime follower who has ocd who also thinks you may have ocd. and with the reblog you just did i'm like well, maybe i can say a little bit.

i've been sitting on sending a message for a long time because (1) trying to diagnose someone on anon is so fucking weird, i am very aware and ashamed of this weirdness in sending this to you, don't worry, (2) it seemed so obvious to me and you've already talked about other mental health issues and such that i was like "no, surely she must already know she has ocd and is just choosing not to talk about it (completely understandable, i don't do it on main), and then i would also be weird for forcing her to out herself".

the thing with morality-adjacent ocd is that a lot of the base thoughts, in a vacuum, are fine. if you hurt somebody some level of shame is good so you can reflect and correct your behaviour. caring about doing the right thing and refusing to do things that violate your principles is good. it's the intensity and all-consumingness of the thoughts that is the problem.

i mean i say morality but it applies to other ocd too. you should wash your hands and keep your place clean as much as you can, but obsessively avoiding contamination by washing your hands for half an hour straight... etc. it's ultimately egodystonic - it takes the thing you hate the idea of the most and convinces you that is what you really are.

like you are genuinely an admirably principled person, more than many, and it's good that you do the right thing instead of the easy thing. but your anguish about like, not contributing enough good to the world as a comics artist and things like that screams morality ocd self-punishment to me... and repeatedly talking about it feels like a confession compulsion. which i also have, kind of! i feel the compulsion *to* confess, but i don't, because if anyone forgave me or told me it wasn't a big deal they obviously haven't formed a sound judgment because (1) they are morally depraved themselves, (2) i didn't explain myself properly and they didn't understand why it's bad, (3) they're my friend and being more permissive with me because they like me, so they're too biased.

this was long, sorry. but you're a good artist and i like your work and i hate seeing you suffer like this. and if you really don't have ocd, well, i'm just another weirdo armchair psychologist anon vanishing into the void.

i appreciate this and thank you for being kind+brave enough to send this while medication juggling is really making me insane new ways. i have not been diagnosed w/ocd and only started kicking the idea around not too long ago when cornered by the inescapable nature of my thoughts/feeling, the fact that no one understands what the hell i'm ever talking about, and seeing signs of it in someone else very close to me. and i guess incidentally learning more about how it develops/is treated.

lol your bit abt internally responding to how ppl try to comfort your "confessions" rings very true. i never thought of my posts as confessions but like im desperately trying to get a hold on a reality that makes sense to me because when reality doesnt make sense, it feels perilous and fleeting. like, doesnt anyone else feel like this? why am i the only one who sees this? how am i supposed to understand what i'm supposed to be doing to live a life that isnt equivalent to a sewage drain that empties out into people's houses if i cant even understand whats happening?

[inconspicious-random-thoughts]

I know people have had fanfic ideas about Lucifer hunting Valentino down for sexually harassing Charlie, but honestly, I don't think Charlie is going to even mention that moment to anyone. Charlie is already ashamed about how things went down at the studio due to how her actions affected Angel, she's probably to consumed with guilt to even care about Val's drool on her arm due to how minuscule she'd see it as compared to what Angel went through. Plus, her promise to not interfere with Angel's life outside the Hotel would also contribute to her not getting her dad involved despite hating Valentino's guts enough to nearly fight him herself.

Hello my friend,

I actually never read read those fics. There are too many fics that it is overwhelming and not enough time to read them. So, having someone defend Charlies honor and beat Valentinos ass for sexually assaulting her isnt in my main interest in fic reading in the fandom.

I understand the sentiment and appreciate it. Its even sort of sweet. I also can see how it be satisfy for readers and writers to have a story one.

Nonetheless, I agree with you. I don't think she even mention it to anyone beside possibly Vaggie who she shares everything with. If she did mention it to Vaggie, I think Charlie pretty much forgotten about it until she was retelling it to Vaggie and just shrugged it of after verbally rant her disgust of the action. Because seriously who greets people like that?

The other part is, she reacts much more of Val suggesting she star in a film, more than the act of Val tongue running up her arm.

I'm sort of like Charlie here. I dismiss a lot of things I shouldn’t have just not to make a fuss. At the time I would make excuses for it and and it seems like a minor thing, and it sort of is yet isn't.. I'll even dismiss it so easily that I forget about it until much later in retrospect, wish I was vocal how uncomfortable, uneasy it made me feel of just plain wrong. I think Charlie is similar. She the "Good girl."

By good girl, I am talking about the way of thinking how woman have to endure their suffering in silence at the expense of other people's comfort. The do what your told and don't talk back, don't make a scene, fuss or trouble, and always put other needs before your own.

We see Charlie act some of these out. She just a good person in general so most of it is just natural to her but she also believe that the sinners are caple of the same thing...and they are...yet they are sinners who are not motivated to be so. She more than likely let things slide in the offenders favor just in her hopes they can be better with their second, third, upteeth chance. So Charlie will continue to dismiss situation involving her light to diffuse the situation in hopes the offender see the error of their way. But in reality she just letting them continue the cycle as they are not suffering any repercussions of their actions.

She shown to dismiss her own issues (she avoids her issues by fixing everyone else said by Husk and by Alastor commercial) or attempt to minimize the issue. “Pfft, it’s no big deal.” When she clearly showing she bothered by it. Like how she was talking to Vaggie about her mother's absence.

Going by this and her personality and always trying to be a “good girl.” And constantly trying to diffuse the situation. From what I remember, Charlie only gets upset when she witness disrespect of her people. (Adam talking down about her people or Val treatment of Angel. I think when it comes to events like Val happen to Charlie, She rarely gets worked up about it, it’s generally people get angry for her. Similar to how she gets upset for her people. 

I also doubt she going to run to father and immediately and bring up Val’s actions. Charlie and her father are just starting to mend and re established their relationship. The incident may be brought up about past the point that is recent, but I don’t think it be brought up with Lucifer nearby unless Charlie was use into it as and example to lead a group therapy session.  I definitely think Lucifer would go overprotective daddy mode once he aware of it and want to kill Val but I think if Lucifer did act, he would threaten/warn and flex his power and status as King. I think if Lucifer were to act out beyond threatening and actually double dead Val, there be too many repercussions. The other Vees wouldn’t take it lying down and would drag Lucifer name through the mud, along with Charlie’s name and the hotel. Not only that, Charlie may be touched but greatly disapprove as she trying to lead by example of forgiveness and rehabilitation.

I also agree with your assessment that Charlie would be hesitate to bring up her issues with Val. She doesn't want to stir up more trouble by sticking her well meaning nose even further into Angel business. Yes, its her issue and not Angles, but it would directly affect Angel as it involved an asshole of a person who owns Angles soul who would not hesitate to retaliate or vent out his frustrations towards and on Angel.

TLDR: I understand the Catharsis of writers and readers wanting protective daddy Lucifer killing the PoS Val for sexual assulting Charlie but I don't think it be canon compliant from what we see and know.

[fitzrove]

God that post reminded me. Potentially controversial rant

If I have to see one more post going "men are so amazing, it's totally valid and revolutionary to love and prioritise the men in your life!! women (especially lesbians) are so mean and prejudiced about men and need to be nicer and check their biases", I'm going to..... well, I'm not going to do much but I'll be super annoyed and unfollow whoever puts it on my dash 🤣

Disclaimer: this isnt about anyone in my tumblr sphere lol you guys are cool. But anyway.....

I have many male acquaintances/casual friends IRL, through school. I tend to get along with people regardless of gender. And yet, YET, no matter how polite, friendly, funny, educated and smart they are, with most people (exceptions exist, but this is MOST people), there are inherent problems that come from existing in or alongside Guy Social Spaces as a woman. And Guy Social Spaces wouldn't exist without the guys that uphold them......

In my guy-dominated environment I actually manage to avoid most forms of (non-benevolent; benevolent sexism still sucks and makes me uncomfortable though, and I don't actively befriend guys irl because of how commonplace it is) sexism because I'm openly gay. Not being seen as an object of sexual interest and being able to fit into a bit of a "not like other girls" social role means that I don't actually have to deal with the baggage that comes with heterosexism and the heterosexual sphere (I use heterosexual to refer to all non-platonic relationships between men and women here, btw - for these purposes it doesnt matter what the sexualities of the people involved are). But like.......

I recently went to dinner with some girls and found out that the guys at my school - people that I've found all-around decent and extremely friendly and respectful to me - treat the women they date as objects. Like it's a conquest thing when they """bag""" a good-looking girl, and everyone (literally everyone) shakes hands and congratulates the guy for "getting" an attractive girlfriend. As if she's not right there (she was, she's the one who told me about what happened) and as if she didn't have 50% control of the decision to begin a relationship. And the way they talked about her body and appearance too... It's really gross and objectifying and I didn't know about this because I get to exist outside of it!! But that's really only one thing. Even outside of that, the way that people who don't have to worry about sexism or discrimination treat women and talk about them behind their backs manifests in a million small ways. And the thing is, these guys are ostensibly among "the good ones"!!! These people have intelligent conversations about social justice and equality in class and treat me with respect as a peer because I've proven both my academic and professional cred, that I can take a joke, that I'm funny, that I know enough nerd culture stuff to not be a boring ditzy fake. (The fact that these things are necessary for me to be seen as a peer is, by the way, fucked up.) But their progressive views just don't seem to apply to day-to-day social interactions and relationships....

So idk i dont think this is super eloquently put but yeah. Fuck you if you think being wary or bitching about people in places where they can't see it (ie tumblr rant posting) is a form of hatred lol. Especially when the patriarchy still exists....... you can't "guy positivity<333" yourself out of that one. I don't hate men but the people who say they do must have a reason to. And ugh about this one post that I hated in particular, I hate how it was formulated like "hating men hurts trans women too :(" bestie trans women suffer even more under the patriarchy because they (often) have to interact with guys (including sexist guys and Guy Spaces) growing up and might lose a lot of friends/have things go sour when they transition, I bet a lot of trans women online post about hating men too lol. (That latter point also goes for nonbinary people and guys who don't fit into Guy Spaces for some reason, or who don't perform masculinity in the hetero-ascribed way.) But overall yeah posts shaming me/women/lesbians for not being nicer about men (when in fact a lot of critical posts are intended to be against the system, not on all people everywhere just based on their gender identity, and a good faith reading would make this abundantly clear) are only going to make me more of a bitch sorry

(Also re: the guy loving positivity posts. Those are just boring and annoying to me sometimes sorry 😭😭😭 they frame it as some revolutionary thing that people get oppressed for when it's really not, I promise if you go outside everything is about men and everyone is obsessed with men. In my city the gay spaces are (despite claiming to be inclusive) only for gay men and every merch item sold and every song played is about dick. Men (with he/him pronouns and an openly declared guy identity) are on women's dating apps and you can't filter them out without paying. Almost nobody understands me when I first come out to them as a lesbian, they have to ask and double check if I really only like women or if I'm actually bi. I promise if you're a woman and like/date men there are like 0.00001 queer spaces where you might get a mean comment about it but UNFORTUNATELY IF YOU'RE A WOMAN WHO ONLY (or currently!) DATES WOMEN THAT IS 99.9999% OF EVERYWHERE 💀 i mean its still nice that those posts exist, its good for people to be able to find community, but i swear to god at some point im going to purge my dash to the point that the only man anyone is allowed to love and cherish in my field of vision is crown prince rudolf of austria. Taaffe is on thin ice xD 😌🤣)

[actualbird]

on marius' personal sweet chapter stories.....i just wanna talk about The Thing these stories (both sweet chapter story 1 and 2) are Doing and how it makes me really emotional cuz like

in marius' sweet chapter 1 story: we see marius and mc help out timmy through his grief of having recently lost his older brother. throughout the entire thing, marius struggles with his own emotions and feelings about giann's disappearance.

in marius' sweet chapter 2 story: we see that in marius' efforts to protect pax and the von hagen name so that giann will have a good standing to return to once he's found, marius finds himself inevitably having a hand in firing kenji, who takes the fall protect marius. kenji, whom marius sees as an older brother figure to him as well.

whats going on in both these stories: marius' emotions and fears being prodded at, even to the point of intense anger in sweet chapter 2, because the events make him go through whats essentially a secondhand experience of losing a brother.

in terms of this possibly being foreshadowing, i feel very "ONE FEAR" about it all because it's uhhhhh not looking good for giann von hagen ;-;

but in terms of characterization and story, i feel elated because it's these kinds of stories that really show off marius' character, especially the traits and feelings that he tries to hide or sweep under the rug.

in sweet chapter 1, marius consistently brushes off mc worrying about his feelings and then, once he does finally talk about his feelings, he does so in a very emotionally detached kind of way (i wrote more in depth about marius and emotional distancing in this analysis here).

to emotionally distance one's self is, one way or another, a method by which to avoid confronting something head on. timmy's experience paralleling marius' own worries and life is something that marius is afraid of tackling. because thats family hes talking about. and family means the world to him.

in sweet chapter 2, the revelation that kenji did what he did to protect marius got marius absolutely enraged the moment it became clear kenji, an older brother figure to marius, sacrificed himself for marius' sake. thats something that terrifying for marius, because thats not how it's supposed to go, for him. hes the one whos supposed to be protecting people, to shoulder the responsibility so others can get out unscathed, hes the one who needs to take on these burdens not because of pride or anything, but because he wants people to stop getting hurt because of him.

other people getting hurt for marius' sake is one of marius' biggest fears. it pops up so often in all his stories, either the fear itself and/or the measures he takes to prevent other people getting hurt: his childhood guilt over thinking he caused his mother's death (SSR All Through The Night), him moving to florence for his studie so that austin and giann wouldnt get bad press about the whole pax civil war succession thing (SSR Precious Mornings), him worried about causing a man's suicide (SSR Daytime Aurora), him guilty over his friend who got hurt in his name (SR Vibrant Graffiti) like my god, and those are just the ones off the top of my head!!!!

he even says this outright in the story, right after the confrontation with kenji

to marius, kenji taking the fall for him is another person who got hurt because of him. and the fact that he did it willingly to protect marius makes it worse, because thats such an older brother thing to do isnt it? marius saw him as family. family means the world to him.

but marius did not want to be the cause for another person having to suffer, and for another person having to be gone, in a way.

sweet chapter 1 showed us grief from the perspective of a younger brother whose older brother passed away.

sweet chapter 2 showed us an older brother sacrificing himself for a younger brother and having to leave because of that.

now remember what i said about secondhand experiences paralleling onto marius' life and his own worries about giann? yeah. like, no wonder marius got so affected, upset, and emotional in both these stories;

he doesnt want to say goodbye.

[tkorules]

to be real i think making it so evan forgives michael for the whole bite incident and it being pushed as "not" being michaels fault is so boring and detracts from what could be an actually interesting story about abuse.

like. evan was a kid who probably just wanted to be happy, and to have a nice day where he wasnt constantly being tormented and feeling upset all the time. he was (most likely, considering williams lack of presence) neglected by his dad, and his brother was constantly very mean to him. elizabeth and evan mightve had a better relationship but we dont know about that.

and then the bite happened.

and like . this was not a single incident. of course it was. but like. it was the inevitable consequence end of how michael treated evan, the constant disregard for his feelings. sure the bite was technically an accident, but it was only an accident in the fact that evan died.

like. the scaring and emotional harm. and ignoring evan's actual feelings. like regardless of what michael intended.

and like. really. evan should be angry! why WOULDN'T he be angry? because he thinks it isnt michaels fault? well it is! regardless of michael's intentions, it was his idea. he wasnt manipulated into doing it. he did of his own choice.

so like. it feels like the reasons for evan to not be angry... are usually not very compelling and feel very much like. bad reasons. like that involve either acting like michael isnt at fault for how he hurt evan or that it doesnt matter. which it does!

and its just. sorry i dont like when michaels feelings about the incident and what would make a compelling arc for him is whats centered completely! and evan is only really looked at as like. an accessory for michael's arc.

and like. evan being angry is really like. he suffered so much in life, with a horrible brother and a neglectful father. and his life ended in the culmination of his brother's awful behavior. and so as a spirit, he's angry! he's spiteful! his death was entirely avoidable, he couldve lived had his brother not been so awful to him! and so he wants payback! he wants revenge for how he's been forced to suffer! thats so goddamn interesting! its so much more interesting than evan just forgiving michael for making his life a living hell! its much more than the idea of evan just being this perfect child who forgives michael.

(also. it is really annoying when in golden duo stuff people make it so cassidy is responsible for tormenting michael and evan isnt. like. literally in game golden freddy says IT'S ME. like. if cassidy knew that was michael and not william or some shit that would make no sense.)

[astroyongie]

Le Sserafim January 2024 Reading

Note: take it lightly

Chaewon

Love: I believe that Chaewon is still in her relationship, however her partner is currently overseas for work which is giving her some opportunity to enjoy being alone by herself and spend more time with her friends and members 

Career: she thought that her career would stay as it is, but I see some issues concerning her sponsorship inside the company. Hopefully this will be solved to avoid any problem in the future 

Self: she has been very stubborn lately and the only thing in her energy and mind is money and how she should spend her money. I believe that Chaewon might have developed some unhealthy wealth lifestyles. 

Sakura

Love: she is back at being single (although she wasn’t dating in summer and now but she had been seeing someone regularly). However lately the person havent shown any interest in seeing her. She has been trying ti distract herself with other people 

Career: she feels like she is giving too much of herself. Sakura is probably overworked and has many rsponsabilites in the group, some that she struggles to solve and go through. Too many burdens that cause her health to detoriate 

Self: despite everything, she is very happy with he recognition she is getting so far, and she keeps working hard to keep it. I feel like Sakura is the type of person that depends way too much on public opinion to be okay 

Yunjin

Love: single too, she havent seen many people lately and has been way too much drown on her work to think about her dating life. Yunjin also feels like being too distorted with love at the moment. She wants to be left alone 

Career: just like sakura, she also feels like her work ii staking way too much of her energy. She feels exhausted. She probably have been dealign with some chest pains as well during her schedules. She needs rest urgently 

Self: she is going through a rough time, a lot of chalenges head of herself and she still doest know how to deal with all of it. I also feel like Yunjin is in competition with another LSS member 

Kazuha

Love: Kasha has been rejected by her crush after she has confessed to them. Ever since she has been repressing her emotions a lot while pretending she wasn’t affected by it (but in fact, she was). 

Career: she is very restless and I start believing that all members feel exhausted with their schedules and with all the pressure they receive. Kasha has also been very impulsive and whenever she feels overwhelmed she can lash out on other members 

Self: her mental health isnt the best at the moment. She probably is suffering from anxiety and perhaps some depressive episodes that can be quite harsh on her. She feels lost 

Eunchae

Love: for now, Eunchae is still dating her partner that she was already dating later in summer 2023. It seems that for now things are going back to normal and a little less toxic that what it was back then. Yet I still believe she needs to be careful 

Career: she has lost a very important opportunity of sponsorship due to her schedules being to tight and having no way to assume the responsibility of doing these project. This have left her very upset

Self: at the moment she is going through a period of self doubts and decisions that she needs to take for her life and her career. Things aren’t as easy as she thought it would be 

[doomspiral]

Maybe he shouldn't be your favorite war criminal

Back in 2011-2013 the hetalia fandom came to an understanding that distressing current events are off the table for fanworks, especially since its something himaruya himself avoids. The general caveat is that if someone wants to cope/vent about their own experiences through fanworks, then they're entitled to do so and shouldn't be harassed or told off for it unless its just egregiously evil.

There was a step back and a separation put up between the funny anime characters and the real life nation counterpart's real life crimes against humanity. Part of that is because its dark as fuck, but the other part i want to focus on right now is that we would get stuck in the weeds. Its easy to make jokes about the main 8 being your "favorite war criminal" as a tongue in cheek acknowledgement that the real nation isnt so innocent, but overuse makes this look as though you equate human suffering to a funny joke. This is not the intent for anyone i have ever seen using it, but intent does not equate impact.

It may seem less obvious to those who dont read history or simply live under a rock, but if we wanted to do this for characters generally accepted as sweet and in fact the victims of oppressive regimes, Tolys is right there. I will avoid addressing him as the country name on this out of respect, again, to the gravity of real life. If you look at Lithu history for more than ten minutes you'll see unspeakable abuses against human life. I know many jewish friends who love his character, i also had a jewish friend jokingly ask "on purpose?" when i said i had visited the real country.

Does that mean we should portray hetalia Tolys as an antisemite? Does that mean it should be generally accepted that these characters be ethnonationalistic, supremacist bastards on all accounts? This doesn't seem in line with the tone of a gag manga and is, again, not where the source material goes at all.

This is not a request for discussion or meant to be a jumping off point for anything. i would just like all of you to sit with these ideas and questions for a while and let yourself weigh how you feel about it. These were settled in old fandom. This is no longer old fandom, so we must do it again.

[aristotels]

Of course all problems and inequalities are direct consequence of modernity and in the past those who are now considered undesirable were considered divine and definitely weren't treated even worse and didn't have access to anything that resembles accomodations. Let's bring those times back!

In Ancient Rome specifically there was no hospitalisation, yes, but also people who were considered mad couldn't make financial and legal operations on their own at all and couldn't be citizens, and were considered pariahs by their communities. This is not to say that you are wrong because you picked the wrong time to see as "when things were better", it's that just because what causes problems now is capitalism doesn't mean that before it people were always kind and caring, everything is much older.

(Or that removing the money would fix everything on its own, for that matter)

are you literally so stupid to fail to see my point

the point isnt "LOOK WHAT THEY TOOK FROM US" the point is that fears and delusions depend on the society youre brought up in; and also sorry that a 5 sentences tumblr post didnt go into history of medical malpractice, it was a lighthearted post made by someone with those very issues

yeah, if i lived then, then id have a different delusion more fit to those times - but it would not resemble my current paranoia or nightmares of being drugged or talked to the way ive had medical staff talk to me bc those things are specific to our society.

(Also you can still have your rights denied for being mentally ill today as well?????? what happened to free britney??? And like My family doctor once literally suggested to my dad to involountary check me into psych ward which was smth my psychiatrist at the time was very much trying to avoid because he KNEW how dehumanizing that is, he spent more than sn hour trying to figure out if my visions of suicide were actual suicide risk or intrusive thoughts; telling me later that he was willing to gamble such a huge risk and responsibility he would have to take in case i actually did smth to myself - just to keep me out of the hospital stay because he worked there and SAW how dehumanizing it is. because getting in the ward here doesnt mean youre done when youre out, this shit affects FUCKLOAD of things in your life!)

are you really trying to be like "LETS TAKE AWAY ACCOMODATIONS FROM PEOPLE WHO SUFFER WOOW GOOD JOB" in my inbox rn btw considering that i am literally schizophrenic w some other mental illnesses, and that i take fucking meds upon meds for it, including antipsychotics??????? and i am also very grateful for those aids, but even with meds my condition will never be resolved and its severity very much depends on the people/society around me. my delusions while living in croatia might differ from someone who lives in the usa.

i literally have no patience or attention or care or anything to argue with you rn, if you wanna discuss political or economical or marxist or whatever theory in my inbox go ahead, but i am NOT arguing about my own fucking lived experience and having you speak to me this way, in an incredibly entitled and dismissive way. its late and im going to bed. i genuinely dont care for your "ummmmm ekshually capitalism is noot thaaat bad-" shit while i keep having episodes on the daily in a big part due to fuckin capitalism. losing my other job is putting me through stress because i have no money, but it also eased up certain aspects of my illness because i dont have to hit hardcore fucking deadlines every week.

p.s. who the fuck is talking about money not existing. if you are gonna bring that up within communist theory and up for a serious discussion thats a whole other thing, but moneyless and stateless society doesnt just rest on tadaaah no money, like theres a reason marx wrote books n essays on that shit and why daddy engels sent him checks. and even in ideal communist world we would still have mental illnesses, but i am absolutely positive that my thoughts would differ than the current ones and that they would probably be less severe. and also why is this implying that communism wont have like the fuckin medication

i usually take care to carefully reply to asks and try to actually give a serious opinion but i gen dont care if i sound incoherent rn, this legit pissed me off

[words-and-threads]

Was I watching the same final season of Umbrella Academy as everyone else?

"Lila would never run off like that." She is the poster child for avoidant attachment. It would be weirder to me if she settled happily into family life.

Five would never abandon his family: the first plot-relevant thing he did in the series was abandon his family. He bolts when things get bad all the time, often with the vague idea he'll come back and fix it later.

Luther was the butt of the joke constantly: always has been.

Allison hasn't earned forgiveness from the audience: for one thing I doubt any amount of punishment or repentance would be enough for that. For another, not all interpersonal problems get wrapped up with a neat bow.

And that leads into my final Thing: Umbrella Academy is not and was never simply a metaphor for overcoming abuse. It's not a fable about personal growth. However much you might identify with some of the characters, flattening them to be just like you is poor media literacy. Their situation was always more complicated than that.

They don't die because they're too damaged or because life isnt worth living. They don't die because they deserve to. They die because they can't live. They could run through a thousand more universes, but that would only put off the inevitable and cause more damage along the way.

If you want to draw a real life metaphor: we will all die someday. Cancer doesn't let you go because you deserve to live. The bus that hits you won't stop so you can self-actualize. Now, finding love and peace in the end will make that easier to take. It's better to go surrounded by loving family. Nonetheless, your number will come up. The thing that kills you will probably be external, impersonal, and outside of your control. It won't be about you. Most things aren't.

If you read the multiverse of Umbrella Academy as just a place for the protagonists to grow, the ending sucks. If you read it as a larger world they just live in, their sacrifice isn't right or fair. It shouldn't be up to them. They deserved better. But part of being an adult is taking the world you were given and dealing with it no matter how much it sucks because it's the only one you have. I'm not saying suck it up and don't complain, just that we don't have the option of running away to another reality.

My generation was born into a world messed up by older people. Fixing its problems will require some sacrifice. Probably less dramatic sacrifice, but if we want things to get better that sometimes means looking up from our internal troubles and doing a difficult thing because it will help other people.

Anyway this got philosophical but long story short I think everyone is wrong about the ending of Umbrella Academy and it was absolutely not saying that if you're suffering or damaged you should just die.

[moodr1ng]

like prev post is one example i happen to be talking about for once but ig what i mean is like. every little small inconsequential thing that my mind could turn into "you look suspicious right now", that i could possibly suspect means someone thinks poorly of me (w no evidence of that whatsoever), that i can possibly twist into somehow being about how Everyone Secretly Hates Me And Thinks Im A Liar And A Fraud, i will. the most minor things. every day of my life. i am plagued by a constant fear that everyone thinks im always lying, that everyone is always suspecting me of Something, all the time.

every time i go to the pharmacy to pick up my completely normal mental health medications i think "the pharmacist thinks im a malingerer whos faking mental illness to try and get drugs". when they ask "thats two boxes right?" im terrified of saying "yes", even though yeah, my prescription is for two boxes of these meds, bc if i say "yes, give me two boxes and not one", its gonna be confirmation that im a liar whos just trying to get more meds. even though thats. literally just what im prescribed.

its like that about everything. i have to overperform truthfulness at all times, because just knowing im telling the truth isnt enough, i also have to convince everyone else that im telling the truth, all the time, because Everyone Always Thinks Im A Liar in my mind. if i, like, tell a friend on discord "going to bed now!" and then while getting ready for bed i make one last post on tumblr like 5 minutes later i think "my friend is gonna see this and think i lied about going to bed and that i was trying to avoid them on purpose because im a bad friend". if i tell someone about a condition i have i assume they doubt i actually have it and think im lying for attention. if i tell people im bigender and they react with total acceptance i think "theyre actually thinking im obviously just a binary man who is lying about being bigender so i can intrude upon women in some way, but they cant say it bc they dont want to look transphobic". if i tell people about abuse i suffered as a child and they react with horror and compassion i think "theyre thinking im making it up or exaggerating so i can get pity, theyre just forced to pretend they believe me to not be rude". if im having a mental health episode and someone is concerned about my well being i think "they think im doing this on purpose and putting on a show to force them to take care of me". and if i try to tell my therapist about symptoms im experiencing i think "he thinks literally everything i say about my mental health is a lie i tell so i can get on disability and get meds, so i have to hide part of my symptoms from him because the less i tell the less suspicious i am". i literally cant discuss this very belief w my therapist because i am convinced that if i told him "im constantly terrified that everyone, including you, thinks im lying about everything so i can get attention or some other benefit" he would think "ah, my liar patient is claiming that hes afraid of being seen as a liar to throw me off his scent. this is actually more proof that hes lying, hes laying down the precedent that hes not a liar in order to cover further lies".

all the time. all the time. and i cant make it stop. and i cant talk about it because i think anyone i tell about this is going to think "ah, yes, The Liar is insisting shes not a liar, which only a liar would do". i literally think anyone reading this very post is going to think "youre talking about this too much, youre trying too hard to come off as truthful, obviously youre trying to cover up your lies, in fact this very post proves you do lie about being mentally ill and abused and you lie to your therapist to get drugs and you probably stole that girls bonnet too, everything you say you didnt do is just a preemptive cover for having done it".

but well. if i keep refusing to talk about it im only feeding it. because the more i avoid talking about it to not trigger it, the more i reinforce the idea that "if i talk about it, everyone will turn against me" as legitimate. so, whatever, i guess. im just very tired, you know. i wish it would stop sometimes. i wish i could trust that anyone regards me in good faith. i think it also sucks of me to assume the worst out of everyone like this - to just think everyone is out to get me or always regarding me in the worst possible light. idk. i just wish i could make it stop. ill make an effort to finally tell my therapist tomorrow. but idk if ill have the guts yet.