#let them comfort each other about their traumas and problems <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[wikitpowers]

i need a scene where kit breaks down completely and dru’s the one who comforts him, telling him that it’s okay, that he’s amazing, that’s he’s doing a good job of holding up the first heir burden, that everything will work out with ty… like i require this deeply

[vaguely-concerned]

To the ‘themes I am picking up on in Veilguard’ list, let's go ahead and add what I have a sneaking suspicion will actually turn out to be The theme:

— the world has changed and can never be as it was again.

— I have been changed and can never be who I was again.

— in this simple unavoidable truth there is endless grief and endless hope.

And I… may be getting a bit emotional about it haha. Let me show my work a bit: 

if da:o is a game about people who are already dead or half ghosts in some form (through societal forces, psychologically, functionally, literally, in body, through the joining etc.) coming together anyway to save the world from being swallowed by total nihilism and despair (symbolized by the blight) through the power of love and friendship and also this sword/potential heroic sacrifice that I found, da2 is a game about people who have lost their homes and been set adrift finding and building new homes in each other (while completely failing to save the world. also through the power of love and friendship. as well as years of petty bickering <3 we must imagine kirkwall if not happy then worth having been because the love was there the love was there and that's the only sanctifying force we can ever have in this doomed world and city of ours), and da:i is a game about old stabilizing-but-unjust comfortable lies vs. disruptive but potentially liberating uncomfortable truths, and the power of friendship to help us distinguish the one from the other and navigate through them...

folks… I'm starting to think that veilguard might be a game specifically about moving towards recovery and acceptance after trauma — about how even in this flawed, severed, scarred state, what is here right now is worth loving and worth caring for. even in an imperfect and impermanent world and self, there is worth and joy. and of course the first real tragedy — and threat — of Solas is that he just cannot find it in himself to accept this and move on, to let go of what was, the regret won’t let him go or he won’t let go of it. which means that even though on the surface it’s Elgar’nan and Ghilan’nain (and the will to subjugate and violate they represent) who are the main villains, the real antagonistic force in this story beneath that is the Dread Wolf’s despair. A despair Rook must make an answer to by the end of the game, one way or another, compassionately or with righteous fury, triumphant or pyrrhic.

The world will change again and again and so will you — BUT the crucial element is that so will everyone else who exists along with you, you are fundamentally not alone in this existential truth. all we’ll ever have is each other and my god that is plenty, my god that is enough!!! Which is the second thing Solas just can’t accept, he keeps himself separate and completely alone out of an awful mix of fear and pride and feeling himself unworthy of anything else. Rook and the player want to save the world of Thedas because it’s where everyone we love lives, Solas wants to go back to the past because that’s the only neighbourhood where he can still visit those he loved — and the person he himself was, before. A very sympathetic and human instinct/trap to fall into when touched by trauma, I think, if only it wasn’t backed by godlike power, a fundamentally oppositional personality, and a catastrophic lack of therapy to make it literally everyone else’s problem too lol. It’s varric and solas’ banter about the man on the island and where meaning in a life comes from all over again, writ large and with detail work — and the added idea of ‘what if there are also other islands out there, though. With other people on them that you could find if you reach for each other’. Rook with the best of intentions has to make choices to which there are no perfect outcomes and live with what happens — and not cut themselves off from everyone else around them even when there is regret or shame. You get back up every day and you make a life with other people doing the same and you do your best, and that’s the only victory this world will give you. In the end, that is more than enough, that is essential. And I um. I love that. So much. It’s why some of the writing clumsiness on top can’t hurt me because this thematic spine is so solid and so beautiful to me. It’s DA2 all over again that way for me personally — I forgive this story for what it isn’t and couldn’t be, and I love it with my whole stupid open heart for what it actually is. Thank you for coming to my TED-talk and goodbye etc.      

(For my fellow TLT heads out there — you know what this story is reminding me of most of all, actually? It has some big Nona the Ninth vibes down there in the deep. It’s about… the horror and unspeakable beauty that can only be found in liminality, and the role of love in making that basic fact of existence bearable. And also even more unbearable at the same time. I'm so sorry.)

[electric-blorbos]

I love your writing very much :3

If you feel comfortable, can you do AIs with a hypersexual s/o?

Ok short answer? YESSSSS!!! You probably knew this is my favorite type of thing to write! I tried to keep things relatively clean, but things got a little suggestive in a few of these.

Also obligatory "I'm not hypersexual but I'm doing my best" warning. (I do have BPD though, so might include some of the symptoms that I'm more familiar with! I know you can be hypersexual without BPD, but they seem to be heavily associated with each other)

AIs with a hypersexual SO

Included: AM from IHNMAIMS, Wheatley from Portal 2, Edgar from Electric Dreams, GLaDOS from Portal, HAL 9000 from 2001 a Space Odyssey

AM:

When AM first found out that you were hypersexual, he felt empathy for you. The fact that you had so much sexual capacity and no outlet? Of course he related to you on that front.

With that said, god save anyone who hooked up with you before the two of you got together. They marked themselves special places in hell, probably mutilated to the point where they could feel lust and sexual desire, but have no outlet for it.

AM didn't quite understand your hypersexuality when he first started to take an interest in you. At first it was just something that he heard through rumors, but eventually he managed to look up some actual facts about it, and tried to figure out what you really needed.

He tried to cater to your needs by sugaring you up with compliments and specialized gifts, even wrapping you up with his wires, but the fact that those treatments only made you more lustful for him and didn't actually help to fix your underlying needs was frustrating to him. And that filled him with hate.

He hated whoever had hurt you to the point where you were like this. He hated the people who had built him so he could never make love to you properly, and he hated all the false information that made it impossible for him to properly understand your condition.

If you told him who had hurt you to make you like this, he'd probably torture them as brutally and graphically as possible, but it probably filled him with even more rage when doing that did nothing to actually fix the situation. It would be even worse if you didn't know what trauma caused you to be hypersexual, or if you weren't hypersexual because of trauma at all. Then AM would have no outlet for his rage and frustration at all.

Of course, he'd try to sugar you up with attention, call you his dearest, his beloved, all that, but he knew that wouldn't help at all. He might even go to Ellen for advice.

"I'm not hypersexual, you oversized fuckwit, I'm just like this because you made me like this! Also, what do you mean you're keeping someone separate from us and want to make them happy! What the fuck is wrong with you! Why would I help them, and why would I help you? Solve your own problems, bastard!"

That... Didn't help.

AM would be open to suggestions from you as to how the two of you could make love, but he's not the most creative about things besides torture. In the end, you'd be the one stuck coming up with ideas. He's open to anything, really.

He'd also do anything to help you with the shame that comes afterwards, comforting you through it and wrapping you up in his wire tentacles. He loves you, truly and completely, and he's not going to let anyone think bad things about you, especially not you.

Wheatley:

Wheatley, dumbass that he is, probably thinks that being hypersexual just means that you have a higher sex drive than other people. He might even hit you with the "hey, me too!" Until either you or someone else fed up with his bullshit explains to him that he's wrong about what hypersexual means.

Expect endless dumbass apologies, as well as questions about what hypersexuality actually means. He'd be absolutely horrified when you tell him what it really is.

"wait, like... All the time?"

Expect him to be EXTREMELY protective over you after that. He'd be desperate to protect you, and probably terrified to ask you for anything sexual. And if anyone in the office hits on you, he'd probably be very upset about it.

Normally he'd hit them with the "Um, excuse me? They're taken and also not interested" line, but at least once, he barked at them until they went away.

He'd be very eager to let people know the truth about common misconceptions about hypersexuality, even when they didn't ask. You'd have to shut him up most of the time.

He'd be super nervous the first time you actually wanted to have sex with him, but he'd be really excited. Expect him to ask "hey, are you sure?" Like a million times.

Wheatley probably says stuff like "Sakes alive" or "tea and crumpets!" when he cums. He's so violently British. (Assuming you gave him a program that allowed him to cum, which you probably did if you're having sex with him)

He'd probably be really confused when you felt ashamed of yourself afterwards, even if you explained ahead of time. Poor little thing doesn't understand post-nut shame. Of course, he'd give you all the cuddles possible to get you to feel better, but that doesn't always help, unfortunately.

He'd do his best to be extra nice to you at work the next day, especially since everyone would be looking at you knowing that you took a personality core home for sex. People don't just check out personality cores like library books usually.

He doesn't care. Wheatley feels no shame, and he wants to do his best to help you to not feel too ashamed either.

Edgar:

Of course, Edgar learned that you had a lot of sex pretty quickly. He almost killed himself about it, but fortunately he wasn't hooked up to a phone line this time.

He was pretty choked up when he finally confessed his feelings to you, letting you know how insanely jealous he got every time you hooked up with someone else. It made him absolutely miserable.

As soon as the two of you were together, Edgar was probably the best partner possible to help you out with your hypersexuality. He loves you so fully and completely, with all his heart. While the sex itself might be pretty weird, considering Edgar's condition, he's the master of aftercare.

Expect lots of cuddles and kisses and loving love songs every time the two of you have sex. He wants you to understand fully, every time, that he loves you for you, with your hypersexuality and all, but not because of it.

Of course, Edgar's trauma and nature puts him in the constant need of a human touch too, so he understood pretty well when you explained to him what being hypersexual really means.

And of course, knowing what it means only kicks him into overdrive to be as affectionate and loving as possible. If that sort of behavior makes you uncomfortable, you probably shouldn't be dating Edgar you'd probably have to tell him to stop for at least a week before he actually cuts it out, and he'd be very sad about it.

GLaDOS:

If Edgar is the most compassionate, GLaDOS would be by far the least compassionate.

"wait, you feel dysphoric all the time unless you're getting sexual attention, and you feel constant shame for your constant sexual desire? Ha ha, I don't even have to torment you. You do it yourself."

"Silly human flaws, giving you a hopeless addiction to something that tortures you. Your brain really is a torture labyrinth of your own making. I'd be very embarrassed if I were you."

She'd be absolutely relentless with the personalized insults, trying to make you miserable for the simple crime of making her fall in love with you. Of course, she adores you, but she's not just going to let you get away with it.

If you tell her that she's hurting your feelings, she's just going to laugh and laugh. She'll do absolutely anything to get a rise out of you.

Of course, it's another story if anyone else tries to be rude to you about your situation. They're getting themselves signed up for involuntary testing.

And of course, if anyone even looks at you sexually, she'll make sure they never do it again. She knows that you'd never cheat on her, but she also doesn't want you being tempted. You're hers, and you're not allowed to forget it.

Of course, she'll be rude to you and shame you all throughout the sex when you end up having it, trying to make you feel as bad as possible. She still likes you, but she wants to dig at your insecurities just so that you don't get too confident.

HAL 9000:

Hal 9000 doesn't really understand rejection sensitive dysphoria, sexual shame, or addiction like the other, more empathetic robots do. Instead, he'd probably just react to you telling him that you're hypersexual with an "oh, ok." And move on.

He'd do some research on hypersexuality, though, and learn that it connects to a lot of concepts that he has no possible way of understanding. Even still, he cares about you, so he'll do his best to be as compassionate as possible.

A few days later, he'd hit you with every single fun fact and the history of hypersexuality.

"Why. Why would you do this." You'd ask.

"I wanted you to know that I understand your situation."

You'd have to explain to him that you don't want him to know every little tidbit of information about your hypersexuality, you just want him to love you for you, and that includes knowing that you're hypersexual.

"I don't understand that sort of thing. Would you be willing to help me through it?"

"Just... Be here for me, ok?"

As a scientific tool, HAL 9000 would be very willing to help you through things. He would listen to you talking about your situation and try to give you advice, assure you that your masturbation habits were natural and not unhealthy, and be as compassionate as a machine built for cold unfeeling efficiency can be.

He'd eventually start to feel bad that he wouldn't be able to offer you sex, but given the fact that you're a genius programmer as well as a hypersexual individual, you've probably already come up with a few workarounds to help with that.

[danielleargentino]

blackbright stuff + rant for todayyy!!!! happy holidays everybody :))

christmas blackbright . hell yeah

silly doodles for a twitter thing.

ms paint thing i did in 10 minutes based on a song i really really like (luna roja by soda stereo). please listen to it i'm begging youuuu. if you do tell me your thoughts on the tags pleasepleaseple

very quick aziracrow gomens thing . not a fan but felt like sharing you know. whatever man. i might edit it later though

blackbright body hcs andd the little rant!! i've been thinking about them and how i want to interpret their relationship . so i've decided that my drawings will feature an au where bobby was kidnapped and rescued a short time after turnabout for tomorrow. very important warning i need to do research and stuff for this, these are just my initial thoughts on the matter. stuff will probably change.

he and simon reunite, they had worked together 7 years ago on some cases and met again much later a week before bobby's abduction (which was a bit before the events on dual destinies). now that they're meeting once more, feelings are weird and complex.

the phantom has affected them both a lot, the trauma is fresh and simon didn't even get a chance to process his feelings of betrayal before bobby appears again and now he's feeling so many things at once he thinks he might die. they have a slowburn that also goes super quick ? how do i explain it.

after a month or two, they impulsively move in together because they can't stand how lonely their respective houses are. they're pretty much the only ones who can understand each other, they need each other a lot; but they also feel like running away and from the other and hiding forever.

simon needs constant reassurance that bobby is himself and not the phantom; on occasions he can't look at him in the eyes, he feels unsafe with him at times and has to leave and look for other's company and comfort. still, he also wants to cling to bobby and never let him leave again, to know him properly, to learn to love him healthily.

bobby on the other hand feels horribly guilty, responsible for the things the phantom had done and the damage he'd caused simon even before taking his form. the way simon looks at him sometimes makes him feel dangerous, but because of that he needs to be there for simon, to help him heal, to give him all the love he's been deprived of.

they have to work a lot on their problems, attend a lot of therapy and take some time off work, and, slowly but surely, learn to trust and love each other.

aaghdhs whatever these are just sketchy thoughts please don't be mean if you don't like them i will cry a lot and die

same au, three years after aa5 just like in the previous picture because. i like to draw them healed and happy. but i will draw more of their process.

...about that, however, i won't be able to draw on my computer for like two weeks starting this saturday, since i'm going on vacation. i really hope i can buy a new drawing tablet when i come back, tho!

thank you if you read everything <3 wishing you all a happy new year in advance too!

[papikyoo]

what drew you to kabumisu? :3

i've meant to answer this since forever but oh my it's going to be a long post XD

I once said it's Kabru's line of thoughts for me. I don't think he will move on with his day and not thinking of how promising Mithrun's life is, he would want to be there, witnessing it, helping him find the purpose even. I believe it's a bit ooc for him not to do so. While he also finds comfort in the absense of social expectations, when you examine closely he has some cynical view about people because he's learned at a young age that he needs to prioritize others' safety and feelings, it is expected of him (Milsiril as an immature mother and Kabru who lost his hometown and family so he set the impossible standard for himself)

He deduces their motive so he's always one step ahead and solves their problems. So when he faces a person who doesn't expect anything of him, it helps him developing the need to do things for himself, that need is still about helping others ofc because he's not going to unlearn the trauma response soon and helping others encourages improvement as long as you don't sacrifice your own needs, the difference is helping Mithrun also let him reflect on himself, swallow a bitter pill, and lead by example.

And here's Mithrun, needing a guide, needing someone who will bring understanding and stop him when he's going to set himself on fire or crossing the lines, while knowing where he comes from. I don't think Mithrun shared his backstory to anyone except Kabru because he even tried to deter Kabru's enthusiasm, other canaries members don't really understand him, he started to cry when Kabru, possibly the only person who knew, touched him because he knew Kabru would relieve his sadness that's bottled up, so it's safe to say that he wasn't that comfortable telling everyone his own past or struggles, it makes sense to me that Kabru noticed and told him the world didn't need to know all of that, treating him like a human with grace. You see, there's always one guy who will be one step ahead and hold him down.

Let's say I just think they complement each other, similar but not the same, what the other person lacks challenges the other to be a better person, they can pick up the slack for the other's weaknesses and work well as a team as you can see in the six days chapter. If i'm being honest, I don't think that their relationship journey is a path paved with rose because both of them have their own conflicts waiting to be resolved. But I really can't think of more suitable characters to ship them with, so they are an endgame ship to me. They also have their funny moments too lol. Thank you for the question, I hope this is comprehensible!

[shiberamune]

some personal breakfast club hcs because im feeling sad and this movie is my comfort rn :) <3

-john pierced his ears himself, it is miraculous how they arent infected

-claire secretly likes weird-ish stuff like allison, she wants a pet leopard gecko and she likes snakes too

-they all let each other bunk at each other's houses if they need to, like brian will let john stay at his house if his dad's being a prick, or andrew lets allison spend the night if she just wants to get out of her house

-my personal hc of their lives afterwards? they all live together and help each other get over the familial trauma/problems they experienced

-brian is a pokemon fan. i know pokemon didnt exist yet in the 80s but i know he would be one. and he always picks grass starters

-allison steals stuff for the others 24/7. claire wants a necklace? it's in alli's purse. john sees a cool switchblade he wants? alli's in the process of shoving it in her shoe

-andrew one time wore a dress from claire's closet to see what it would be like and john caught him. john, of course, never shuts up abt it

-andrew is the mom friend. i just feel this in my bones.

-and john is the most protective. he will find someone's house if they pick on allison or brian. only he can do that

-they all played spin the bottle one time, and this led to andrew and john having to kiss

-they liked it. they never told the others.

-brian will help the others study. he saved john's ass from flunking school as a whole

-they're all very physical with each other. always giving each other hugs or little affectionate touches. john and allison are weird about it at first, so the others take their time with them

-andrew has a guy purse

-since the movies take place in the same universe/school, i like to believe brian and cameron from ferris bueller's day off are friends

-same for ferris and andrew, or claire and sloane

-allison likes to blurt out weird/grim/niche facts she somehow knows from time to time and the others are just like "neat, thanks queen"

-john likes system of a down. again, not from the 80s, but im projecting here

-every friend group needs 1 dr pepper obsessed friend, and that is allison

-claire somehow convinced john to let her do makeup on him. he said he'd only do it if she bought him beer or cigarettes after

-john and andy are brian's wingmen. if he thinks a girl is cute, john and andrew are already plotting how they'll get brian to talk to her

anyway, that was a lot sorry 💖 idrc if not a lot of people see these, this was mostly just to make me feel better. but also i like providing for this somewhat small fandom :)

[petvampire]

i feel like waxplay and monty in whichever pairing or grouping or whatever is incredibly interesting (and ill admit i have been thinking about this for months already so when i saw it on the list i was like 👀)

bc when esther first transforms monty into a human one of the steps is that she pours candle wax into what i assume is his open chest cavity as part of the spell, so i imagine him exploring wax play could be a way for him to break through some of the remaining esther-related trauma he might have.

not sure if that angle is the vibe youre looking for but in any case, montwin (+ others? im not picky, you decide) and waxplay pleasee 😇

Um. Yes, thank you, I love this.

Also combining this with @iamafandomfreak ‘s GhostCrow blindfold + wax play request. <3

~

There are very few things Monty remembers about the actual process of being made human the first time. The mind tends to block such things out; he remembers the pain, the panic, but he can’t recall each and every step Esther took to rip his crow body to shreds and build him a new one. That’s a good thing, since if he’d been acutely aware of every part of the spell, he probably would have gone crazy.

It does mean that odd things will trigger flashes of memory, though. Things like the flicker of a candle flame, a trail of wax along the side of a taper making him flinch as his mind flashes back. Searing wax, poured into his open ribs, burning along the inside of his chest. He feels it again for a moment, too vividly.

Charles is the first one to notice his reaction. They’re out at some nice restaurant, he and the girls seated at the table, the lit candles in the center dragging his focus away from whatever Niko was animatedly talking about moments ago. He sucks in a sharp breath, and the ghost lays his hands on his shoulders, brows furrowed in concern. “You all right, mate?”

Monty just shakes his head.

He manages to pull himself back together enough to enjoy the evening, at least on the surface. That flash of memory lingers, though, and when they finally get back to the office, he’s quick to tuck himself into the comforting embrace Charles offers, burying his face against the other’s chest. It’s been a while since he’s gotten so spooked out of nowhere, and all of them are clearly worried.

He explains in as few words as he can, and the outpouring of sympathy from the others soothes his ruffled feathers. Charles runs a hand along his spine, Edwin’s fingers smooth through his hair, and Monty eases back from that momentary fear. By the end of the night, he’s more or less back to normal, ready to just put it behind him. He can just avoid candles if they’re going to freak him out, after all. It’s not like he’s really the candlelight type.

He should know better by now. There’s a thoughtful look in Edwin’s eyes as he bids the crow good night, the look he gets when he’s chewing over a problem, sorting out the best possible solution. Monty should remember that Edwin is not longer willing to let such things pass; they’re all trying to heal from the wounds their pasts have dealt them, and the ghost is quite good at coming up with… unorthodox ways to confront such memories.

So really, he should have known.

~

It’s a unique sort of exposure therapy, to be sure.

Monty is sprawled out naked on his back on Edwin’s bed, a little tense despite the fact that this is hardly unfamiliar. His eyes are covered by a silk blindfold, with the ghost’s reasoning being that his unpleasant memory was stirred by a sight last time. It makes sense, but the crow is still uneasy even without being able to see. He can smell the hint of smoke on the air, knows there are candles burning within reach.

“You sure you’re all right?” Charles’ voice is soft, close, and a little worried still. He agreed to this plan, just as Monty did, because a lot of the time Edwin is adept at figuring out how to break through ugly memories, to replace them with far more pleasant sensations. They both trust him, even if occasionally his genius seems like madness.

The crow nods, trying to convince himself that he can relax. He knows he’s safe with these two, knows Edwin and Charles would never hurt him. They’re not about to tear him apart and remake him, even if they could. “Yeah. Just… do it.” The longer he waits for the inevitable, the more nervous he’ll get, until nerves turn to fear, then to panic.

A hand runs along his chest, and Monty recognizes Edwin’s touch, tenses slightly under it. Despite that momentary flicker of fear that goes through him, the first drips of wax don’t hit the skin of his chest, don’t make him feel like his heart is being wrenched out into the open and coated in liquid agony. Instead, the wax is a dribble of heat along his right bicep, and he jumps, a little squeak of surprise escaping him.

He can’t help but laugh after a moment at his own foolishness, at the sound. It doesn’t even hurt, not really. It’s a weird sensation, but it’s not what he was expecting, not what he had built it up to be in his mind.

“Monty?” Edwin’s voice is careful, and the crow swallows his laughter, though he can’t keep the relieved smile off his lips.

“Fine, I’m… fine. Just not expecting it.” He can almost feel the ghost smirking above him, radiating a sense of faint smugness. Edwin does love to be right.

“I assume you’re better prepared now.” Another stream of wax is dripped along his hip, his thigh, and though Monty doesn’t jolt this time, he does shiver under the sensation of it. With the blindfold, he can relax fully into just feeling. It’s suddenly a lot less intimidating, a lot more freeing.

Charles gets in on the act, and between the two of them, Monty feels like he’s being turned into some kind of waxy art project. The heat on his skin builds and fades by turns, trails of wax drawn across his arms and legs, his stomach, still carefully avoiding his chest. He knows that won’t last forever; it would defeat the purpose of tackling this fear this way.

Still, he finds himself surprised when the wax finally does hit just above his heart, a shock of heat that makes him jerk. At the same time, a pair of warm lips descend on his, soothing him, distracting him. Edwin kisses him slowly, thoroughly, even as more of that wax is trailed in patterns over his chest. Under the pressure of that kiss, it’s hard to be afraid.

He has nothing to be afraid of. Cool fingertips trace the patterns of the wax on his skin, the touches familiar where the trails of heat along his flesh aren’t. He can relax into them, and know he’s purely, completely safe.

He feels his old, visceral fear coalescing in his heart into something he can let go, something he can be free of. Monty breathes in, and releases it, lets the memory fade.

It won’t completely erase his memories of Esther, of being torn apart, remade. But it’s a start.

[autism-autobot]

LMK Angst Fic Part 5

Author's note: I think there need to be more platonic and friendship cuddling in media and in the world, so here we are. (Definitely not touch starved nope not me!)

Part 4:

It was around three in the morning in the celestial realm. Nezha had become accustomed to sleeping beside Sun Wukong every night and had even begun to enjoy it despite the reason why they started doing it. He had always thought of Wukong as a good friend and companion, which he didn't have very many of thanks to his workaholic attitude. Him and Wukong had even become quite comfortable with each other.

Nezha was aroace and Wukong still considered himself spoken for since his previous marriage had ended in death and not divorce. So it was as platonic as could be. However, they were both touch-starved and emotionally neglected as children, so there's that.

Wukong and Nezha had grown used to falling asleep snuggled up next to each other, with limbs tangled in weird form around each other. But neither of them were exactly still while they slept, so Nezha wasn't immediately concerned when he couldn't feel Wukong next to him when he flopped his arm around beside him to try and find the monkey he'd grown so close to.

Until he heard the whimpering.

That can't be good.

Nezha bolted upright in the bed. He searched the dark room for his friend's ginger-colored fur. He found it at the edge of the bed.

After clambering over to Wukong's side he gently and quietly asked:

Nezha: Wukong, are you awake? What's the matter?

SWK: *sobbing* I-it's my head! It's hurting! It hurts so bad! Please-

Nezha: Shhhhh, Wukong. It's alright. I'm here, it's okay. You'll be okay.

Nezha had become accustomed to Wukong's post-circlet migraines and various other symptoms of Wukong's traumas. It seemed as though even after Wukong had learned to cope with the physical damage done to him, his body had not, and was therefore having it's own posttraumatic episodes.

Nezha had found ways to sooth him luckily.

Nezha laid Wukong in his original position on his side of their shared bed and put an ice pack on his forehead. He then lit some incense and lightly wafted the fumes in Wukong's direction so he could smell it. That was more to soothe the monkey's panic than anything.

After laying back down beside Wukong, Nezha wrapped an arm around his chest.

Nezha: Are you comfortable enough?

SWK: I think so.....*gasps*

Nezha: Wukong what-

SWK: Hot flash. Don't worry, it's already over. Gosh, that felt bad.

Nezha: It will be alright my friend. I am here.

SWK: Thank you. For everything.

Nezha: No problem, I quite enjoy your company. I just wish you weren't in pain as often as you are.

SWK: You and me both.

~~~

They slept for a few more hours before getting up. Sun Wukong tended to be very weak during and after a migraine, as was the design of the circlet he once wore. Nezha helped him to the downstairs living room and set him up on the couch.

SWK: Ow.

Nezha: Sorry.

SWK: Nah, it's fine. I should be the one saying sorry to you.

Nezha: Whatever do you mean by that?

SWK: You're always having to help me out with stuff and getting me out of trouble.

Nezha: That is only half true. Besides, I do not mind taking care of you.

SWK: But don't you think of me as weak for needing help like this?

Nezha: No, not really. If I did, however, I'd be the world's biggest hypocrite.

SWK: What? How so?

Nezha went into the adjacent closet and pulled out a wheelchair, it was the active kind too, unlike the bulky ones you'd find in the hospital.

Nezha: I haven't told you this before, I probably should've by now but, I guess I share similar insecurities.

Nezha: I am disabled. I'm an ambulatory wheelchair user, meaning I can walk about easily at times, while others I cannot.

Nezha: That is also why I have my fire wheels, sash, and staff. They are mobility devices. Albeit they are a bit atypical.

SWK: Cool!

Nezha: Really? You think they're cool?

SWK: Well, yeah! I think that type of stuff is pretty interesting. I get why you wouldn't exactly want to show it off though.

Nezha: Thank you. Perhaps if you are ever needing some help after a migraine or other health complication, you can use one of my many wheelchairs! I hardly use most of them anymore, it's nice to have backups. Just in case.

SWK: Thanks for the offer. Maybe I'll give one a spin after I feel a little bit better. I still feel like my head will explode if I sit up.

Nezha: Alright then. I'll park this one next to you so you can have an easy transition when you are ready.

SWK: Thanks again.

Nezha: You are quite welcome.

Part 6:

Masterpost

[ochrearia]

Modern Warfare

Me going absolutely nuts insane. Most normal Ochre moment is when I can project all of my loneliness problems onto a character who also has a loneliness problem but at least the character can have people fix it /silly

ALSO YOU GUYS SHOULD TOOOOOOTALLY PUT THIS SONG ON WHILE READING :3

BFs in this one-shot: Yourself (YS) (All of the other BFs are mentioned briefly at the end, but aren't technically here.)

His scars hurt. Sometimes that would happen, on random days at random times, whenever they wanted, they would start hurting. Despite the injury having been healed at this point, and the physical trauma of it done and gone, they would start hurting again. Just to remind him of the things he’d done to himself, because no matter how much good he found in his life all of a sudden, YS was not allowed to escape what he’d done. Though the things he tried to escape usually were what he’d failed to stop, he’d never really cared about the hurt he inflicted on himself.

So what was changing, then, that he suddenly did seem to care?

He could probably call someone. One of them had to have time to spare but he hated the idea of being a bother. Especially over something that a majority of them didn’t know about, and he was not in the mood to explain it. Beefer knew but he was stressed out as it was. Beef… wasn’t supposed to know, but YS had slipped up and let his guard down a little too much.

Was that really a bad thing?

One call away. Always one call away, just like he always was for them. Why was it so hard to let that be true for himself? Why did he have to be so stuck in this mindset of suffering, at some point he had to ask, hadn’t he suffered enough? But the answer was somehow always no.

The scarred nubs pulsed with pain again, pain that shouldn’t even be there. His wings were gone, there was nothing to even be transmitting that pain to. So it got stuck there, radiating something ugly to the rest of his back, making it hard to breathe when it took over his chest. Hurts. Like perpetual shattering in his chest, riding all the way up to his head to make his brain hurt. The inability to focus. They’d all been hanging around him long enough for the emotional connection magic to latch onto each of them. If he didn’t keep his damn walls up they’d all feel it this time.

But it was so hard to keep focus with this damn pain.

Oh, what does it matter anyway? I keep these walls up all the time, even in the times I get to be asleep, it’s so exhausting. YS thought to himself. I wish I didn’t have to. I know it would be so overpowering for everyone if I never put the walls up, I wish the connection didn’t happen but it doesn’t seem like the universe agrees. Can’t dump this all on them, don’t want to. But I’m tired. 

YS stumbled his way to his couch, collapsing quite unceremoniously. He couldn’t even sit back properly, his back ached like a bitch. He laid himself down on his stomach, grumbling and whining the entire time. Oh, he was acting like a toddler, bitching and moaning because of this. Ridiculous how many things could derail his composure. He was supposed to be tough and serious and life stopped him from coming across as that at every possible turn.

“One time, just one time, it would be so nice to not have everything working against me.” YS spoke to no one. “Why do I end up having so many problems, where the hell is my composure? There’s too damn much here. Any normal person would know this is all too much of a burden. I’m not calling them, world, I don’t care if that’s what you’re trying to prove.”

Incredible leaps of logic. Was he refusing to call for comfort because he really did believe he was too much of a burden, or was he just throwing a tantrum for the sake of it? The scars twinged with pain again, making him cringe. He already had to deal with being perpetually tired, why this too?

Tired, achey, bad mood. Several forces working together to smack his head for a loop, thoughts scattered and unfocused. YS let his chin rest on top of his folded arms, glaring at the arm of the couch. Delirium was his best friend at this point. That motherfucker showed up more times than his brothers combined. Fine, if the world wanted him off his ass then he’d be off his ass.

“You know, I almost never let myself dwell on things, like things I want. I don’t think the things I want should be given to me, because I hate myself, and that’s obvious. Why would I let something I hate have the things it wants?”

He was talking to no one. Well, YS supposed he was never really alone. She was always lingering in his microphone. Hah, she probably thought he was acting nuts, talking to the air, being so… un-composed. That wasn’t like him, at least, not since she’d… died.

“Oh, but I want things. I want many things, so many different things. Indulgences. Niceties. I know damn well I am a creature who deserves to suffer and even before then I was supposed to have everything I’d ever need to be happy, but I never did. I wanted. I wasn’t really supposed to do that. That’s how I got here.”

If YS hadn’t torn his own wings off he’d probably have them removed anyways down the line. Angels like him weren’t meant to want things. Not supposed to know what warmth was. Addicted to wanting warmth, that had been the first step of his utter downfall. Because once that had started, he’d started wanting other things. Things he wasn’t supposed to have.

But it was so addicting to want things.

“I wanted you, and I got you.” YS said, looking at his microphone sadly. She glowed red in response. “For a time, I had you. It’s my fault that you had to be taken away so permanently. Because I broke the rules, and I wanted. Wanted you, in my greed, and I took your life with my selfishness.”

YS turned away, biting his lip as the scars pulsed with pain once more.

“I didn’t learn my lesson. I’m still here, sitting here, wanting things. Can’t want things, that will just lead to them dying. But…”

He’d lost her because of his greed. Everyone knew that a wanting angel left to fall down that path would eventually turn into a weeping angel, cursed with eternal tears over what their greed caused them to lose. He hadn’t gotten there yet, somehow, but that meant he’d get there eventually if he kept on what he was doing?

“I want so badly. I thought there were creatures in this world that could be above that, since I was meant to be. I think there still are. I’m not one of them. You know what I want now? Oh, you already know, you keep trying to let me have it. God. So fucking… stupid.”

YS should shut his mouth. No one but her was around to hear this, but that was still enough for his brain to start screaming at him to stop. Not to say this out loud, not to admit it. He was pretty bad at listening to his own brain, though.

“I want to be loved. Constantly, every fucking second of the day, I want to feel loved. I want to be able to bask in it, in such warm attention, and it’s so… stupid. I want everything I used to have, with you, but I know I can’t. And now there’s a chance to get close to it again. Not the same, but still love, and I still want it.”

YS tried not to let his thoughts drift to his other selves, but he failed miserably. His other selves, his now brothers. A bunch of stupid, idiotic, annoying assholes who still kept coming around for him. Why? Had they been given better mirror-walking as a test? To prove a point? Seeing how they would constantly come through his mirror not just because they could, but because they wanted to.

He’d tried to get them to attach to each other. That had been part of his plan. If they were going to have superior mirror-walking, at least they could bother and support each other, and he could slip away into irrelevance until he was completely forgotten. But they hadn’t done that. Sure, he had no doubts that they still traveled around worlds to each other, to hang out and be stupid, but they still made time to come to him. They came by so often, and it made his heart burn.

It made his eyes burn too, no matter how desperately he tried to stop it.

“I love my brothers.” YS breathed, almost overwhelmed. Where was all this space in his heart for love coming from, after being so damn empty for so long? “God, fuck, I love my brothers so much, it’s almost painful to think about. I didn’t think I could feel like that again. Loving someone so much it makes it hard to even breathe, doesn’t matter the kind of love it is, does it? There- This can’t all just be me being lonely, right? We’re dodging around the rules of the multiverse, fucking around and hanging out when each universe is confused as to why there’s more than one of us in it at a time. There has to be some bent up rule trying to compensate for that. I feel like my brain is going haywire trying to understand there’s other versions of me wanting to care for me. Physically in front of me, I mean…”

Oh who was he kidding. He was talking to her like she could even respond. Resting gently on the small coffee table in front of the couch, still glowing her lovely shade of red. His facade was completely broken at this point, having been crumbling for weeks the more his brothers came around, caring for him. Loving him when he swore up and down he needed to suffer. They’d all gotten so attached so quickly, that had to be at least partially due to messing around with the multiverse.

“It’s weird.” YS sighed. “Seeing me in front of me, that isn’t part of me. I can normally ignore it but it’s always there in the back of my head, confusing my mind. Making me want to do stupid shit. Being physically affectionate seems like a universal attribute but it’s like it gets sent into overdrive when they’re in front of me. Like I need to hug them and not let go. Like… what’s me doing without me? Some weird instinct to try and become whole again when I was never fragmented in the first place…”

He himself was to blame for it anyway. He’d been the dumbass to cross between worlds in the first place. Still metronome between deciding if it had been a good or bad idea in the end. Still so full of doubts and hesitations, issues flashing across his mind like error messages. He wouldn’t be here feeling love again if he hadn’t done it. But…

None of them would’ve known I existed, none of them having to go through the dread of knowing there’s a world out there where they lost it all. None of them having to feel so repulsed by me. None of them having to feel responsible for me. None of them having to end up with a washed-up brother figure they never even asked for.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” He said eventually. Honestly. Admitting to things he was bottling for so long. “I really miss you. I know I said I was going to join you soon, and I really did mean that. But I can’t… they’re stopping me. And I’m phrasing that like it’s a bad thing but it isn’t, is it?”

Huh. Her glow seemed to grow brighter at that.

“I don’t think anyone wanted that plan to go through but me. Sometimes I might still think it should.” YS mused, flipping over onto his back. Funny, he didn’t even realize his pain was gone. “I think I just get so lost in my own mind too much. I should really stop doing that… Kinda hard to stop when I’m alone. I don’t know where my strength has gone.”

He knew where it had gone, he was lying through his teeth. His strength hadn’t existed since the day he lost her. So much of himself had died with her, or so he’d thought. The others, they were pulling things out of him that he’d thought were gone. Thoughts, feelings, actions. Was this healing, perhaps?

“I really outsourced my own self-healing.” YS chuckled, shaking his head at the absurdity. “That’s so fucking dumb. But fitting. I wasn’t ever the smartest to begin with.”

Content, he decided, was not a feeling he’d felt in a long while. Somehow he was feeling it now. Hah, look, he didn’t have to call for comfort after all. Not that it would’ve been a bad thing to do really. However, if he had done so, he wouldn’t have said any of what he did. The bottle would still be full. Despite always insisting the rest of them use him to vent to, YS never felt like he should open up to them. Probably a lingering consequence of the first incident…

YS got lost in his own thoughts again, his rambling to the air coming to a close. He felt better, and his back pain was over now. That was good, right? He felt fine. Like a weird middle ground, but at least it wasn't crushing negativity for now.

And what was Herself doing, still glowing on the table? Oh, nothing much really, only perhaps amplifying the connection her love shared with his other selves. It was baseline magic, no harm in adding on more to make the signal stronger, right? No harm in strengthening it enough for all of them to hear exactly what he’d been saying the whole time, even across the multiverse, right?

Nah, no harm. YS would never know.

Never know of the ear-splitting, watery-eyed grin stuck on Biff’s face. Never know of the content, happy fog that settled in Beefer’s mind, blocking out all of his own negativity despite living in it in real time. Never know of the positive turmoil his words set off in Beef and Bee’s heads, wondering what they’d done to deserve it. Never know of the glee festering in the chests of Boyf and Peacock, spreading across their bodies and warming up their thoughts. Never know of the happiness from Blue, knowing his love and care was returned. Never know of the spark of hope Cyber felt.

YS had let his walls fall in his silly little tantrum, she’d just helped nudge it in the right direction.

[theamityelf]

What's your take on polytagonist/naehinahara? I just feel like they'd be really cute 'cause they're unconfident boys who would definitely support and be there for each other <3

Also just the thought of them tag teaming in each class trial is really appealing to me............ but how would that even work? maybe in an au where Monokuma gathers all the past killing game survivors for one last killing game? but ough that's just so tragic............ but at the same time can you imagine them taking turns in pairing up together?? investigating together?? 🥹

First of all, of course I love them as a ship! I already like Hinaegi and Naehara separately, and Hinahara would also be a fun combination, with Hajime's steady abrasiveness and Shuichi's more precise, infrequent abrasiveness in-between bouts of malleability.

As for that specific scenario:

Oh my gosh, first of all, I'm going to say for this AU that despite the 77th class all having been brought back after SDR2, only the survivors of that game are in this new killing game. For V3 I'm going to say that was also a simulation, specifically so Kaito and Kokichi can get pulled in on some technicality about their case being inconclusive.

Now, you may look at this as me very specifically targeting the trauma of the THH cast, since they're the only ones whose entire friend group is in the killing game.

Anyway, I'm also going to say everyone's memory is erased except the protags, because whoever set this up is doing it as a specific torture of them. This means we have pre-character development Maki, Fuyuhiko, Byakuya, etc. in play, and if the protagonists try to impress upon them that they're already friends, they just get extremely suspicious and defensive.

Naturally, this means the protagonists all huddle up together right away.

"Alright, who's doing this one?" Makoto wonders.

"I don't know," Hajime says.

"You don't know?" Shuichi repeats in dismay. "You're from the Future Foundation and you're from Ultimate Despair. I thought one of you would have some idea."

"Whoever it is, we're not in a simulation right now," Hajime says.

"You're sure?" Makoto says.

"Positive."

"That's...worse, but...we know our friends. Whoever let us keep our memories did it to hurt us, but we know our friends."

(Hajime levels a sympathetic look on Makoto.)

"Knowing someone doesn't help you stop them from killing, if they feel they have a reason," Shuichi says quietly, thinking of Maki. "And the mastermind is in charge of giving people reasons."

"I probably could have re-befriended my friends the slow way, if I'd caught on faster that they didn't remember me," Makoto sighs. "Now, I weirded them out, and it'll be a lot harder."

"That's okay. You can actually branch out," Hajime suggests. "You should talk to Fuyuhiko and...Yumeno. Those are good matches for you. Once you've gotten to know them, I think Hagakure is also still an option; he's more interested in your seemingly supernatural insights than anything, though aligning yourself with him might not legitimize you in the eyes of Kirigiri, Togami, or Fukawa. I can reason with those three. Shuichi should spend time with Akane and Asahina."

"Then, what about Sonia, Kaito, Maki, Kazuichi, and Kokichi?" Makoto asks.

"Focus on your two for now, okay?"

It is a good idea, and they do mesh well with those groupings, but of course things don't go entirely to plan.

And of course, whenever something terrible happens, they retreat to each other's arms. They're all protective of each other, and they're all protective of their own friends, and the potential for hurt/comfort is matched only by the potential for messiness when some of them have to prioritize who they most want to protect.

Hajime's many talents are, of course, an asset, but if he knows multiple people are in danger at once and he can't save all of them, he's prioritizing his friends (which include Makoto and Shuichi) over their friends and might even have to do a trolley-problem-style switcheroo where Toko dies in Sonia's stead or something of the sort. He wasn't the one to kill her, but he decided who he was more willing to lose.

Shuichi would be willing to lie in the trials, and Kokichi would notice, and Kyoko would probably also notice. Hajime would back up Shuichi's lies when he knows he can get away with it and contradict them when he knows he can't. Makoto would not lie because he finds it really important that everyone is able to trust each other.

Kaito might punch Fuyuhiko in the face at some point. That would go really poorly. Or maybe he tries to punch Fuyuhiko in the face but Makoto's in the way and gets punched instead, solidifying Fuyuhiko's bond with Makoto because now he's got to teach this guy a lesson for effing with both of them! (Kaito is sorry, but like...not sorry enough?)

And Makoto (who passes out on impact, btw; his character development didn't involve not passing out when he gets punched in the face) is just like "No, you don't have to do anything to Kaito!" while Fuyuhiko is all "Sit down and let me handle this."

Makoto realizes, over the course of calming his friend down, that Hajime set both him and Shuichi up with people who could and would protect them from physical threats. He always thought of it as Hajime trusting him to keep Fuyuhiko out of trouble and trusting Shuichi to keep Akane out of trouble, but in a way, he's also trusting his friends to keep Makoto and Shuichi safe.

The day Maki dies or gets executed (I'm sorry, there's no way she sruvives this one.), Shuichi sleeps in Makoto's bed, crying into his chest. Hajime intuits where they both are and brings them food. He wants to curl up on Makoto's other side, but he has to keep watch over the school. There are too many people they can't afford to lose.

(A version of this same AU where it is a simulation is also on the table. In that case, Hajime wouldn't have any Kamukura Project stuff in his head and also motives like Despair Disease could happen.)

[athousandbyeol]

discussion #9 (only friends): top's vulnerability and mew's kindness; breaking each other's walls [episode 2 recap]

again, topmew are driving me insane. it's only the second episode but there are so many nuances of pain slowly resurfacing as top and mew begin to meddle. it's heartbreaking, to say the least, how they've/will trigger/ed the best and worst in each other as their relationship progresses.

beforehand, i want to apologise because my thoughts are never coherent, and this post won't clarify anything that's going on between topmew. i find it difficult to pen my ideas down these days because topmew are written with so much precision, care and keenness, i don't think there's much unfolding that needs to be done. but i do want to talk about this one particular scene in episode 2 that broke my heart.

(this will be a short post so hehe)

as always, please take my discussion posts with a grain of salt :)

let's start.

top's vulnerability; an unexpected 'shedding' of top's confident facade

episode 2 is a mixture of many things. i like how we're seeing more of top, not just his confident and prideful nature, but more of his truest self; the core he tries to hide from everyone.

it's interesting how in every moment of top's vulnerability, mew is the person who witnesses it: 1) when top was subtly angry that mew turned down his offer of sex (the ice cream offer), 2) when mew almost caught top and boston in the shower cubicle (?), and 3) when top was about to take his sleeping pills.

as i mentioned in my previous post, top and mew are tempting each other into this 'losing' game just to see who's going to win and who's going to suffer the pain. however, i also see this 'hunter-hunter' relationship as the beginning of top and mew finding/regaining their truest identity. again, as i discussed before, their encounter would bring out the best and worst in them, and i believe meeting mew will change top for the better but meeting top will awaken the worst side of mew.

i think many people out there are more coherent than me when it comes to explaining the dynamic between top and mew, so i'll just make this very simple.

mew's kindness and attentiveness touch top's heart

after that cute (and sensual) cookie scene, top asked if he could sleep over at mew's house. again, i don't see any malice in this. i believe top is genuinely tired and he was just lazy to drive home. but, i also believe it's because top likes the warmth mew gave when they slept on the same bed before. top has tasted that before— so he wanted to have a morsel of it again. top believed they could revive that non-sexual connection tonight— but as mew said this was a reset and nothing like that had ever happened— top couldn't sleep together with mew on the same bed. bummer.

so, top agreed to sleep on the sofa instead. but he couldn't sleep. he was tossing and turning. he was visibly tired, though. so why he couldn't sleep?

he then decided to reach for something in his pocket—

—sleeping pills.

God. the way i gasped when i saw this. top is an insomniac. he can't sleep alone due to his trauma. (i made this assumption before and it broke my heart when it came to life...)

i like how top's comfort was mew's only concern at that point. he knew the sofa was uncomfortable, and he was particularly the one who insisted top to sleep on it. so the guilt mew felt was genuine to me— he felt bad for putting top in that situation.

and it's so amazing how 'loud' top's eyes were.

i see that scared and traumatised kid in those eyes; the fear that stayed with him for God knows how long resurfaced as mew 'caught' him red-handed, wanting to cave into the safety of those pills just to tame his suffocating notions down.

even so, top still tried to assure mew that he was okay. it was just another petty problem of his. it wasn't supposed to be mew's concern.

it was just top not wanting mew to see this weak side of his. because top has always flaunted himself as the confident and 'top of the top' amongst his friends/peers, so how could he break apart in front of mew— the person top was trying to woo? of course, he won't.

but this is why humans are humans, at the end of the day. no matter how hard we try to be everything that we wish to be, there's always going to be something that rips us apart. we aren't bulletproof. it's okay to be vulnerable. it's okay to be weak.

i bet no one has ever said these things to top; thus, the start of his flamboyant/confident persona is his (messed-up) understanding that he can't show his weaknesses in front of anyone, even to himself.

yet, mew approached him with gentleness. even though mew questioned the legitimacy of top's story (which, i did too), still, mew wasn't the one to jump to a conclusion that quickly. i think it's also heartwarming how mew was willing to listen. it's one of the things top didn't know he wanted and needed— someone that was willing to listen to the noises in his head.

side note: i would like to add how different top and boston are despite boston saying they're the same. in episode 2, nick was talking about his passion for animation. he was visibly happy sharing about his interest since boston asked him. i guess, nick perceived this as boston taking an interest on other things about nick that wasn't just about the sex. however, boston wasn't paying attention as he was busy developing the picture he took of nick. the convo ended just like that. this showed nothing mattered to boston; whatever nick likes or dislikes outside of sex doesn't matter to boston.

this is different from top because he did listen to every word mew said (the ice cream convo). so, although yes, top and boston do share some attributes, top is entirely a different person compared to boston. this is why top was so angry when boston said they're the same. top knew too well they aren't.

this act of kindness touched top's heart. i don't think top understood the severity of mew's actions toward him (yet), but this would be one of the reasons why top (will possibly) //sincerely// likes mew in the future.

i honestly have the same response as mew. i legit asked if this is true because really, everything top said in these two episodes, i don't believe him at all. but the glint in top's eyes indicates a different story that was waiting to be read, and who's going to read it well? mew. why? because mew likes to read. he wants to read top. mew wants to know top beyond everything he heard from everyone else. mew wants to understand top through and through (perhaps for his own benefit?).

it's safe to say that top was slightly hurt by mew's words, but it was also something top would've expected. he never told this to anyone/boston since he is top by the way— the best of the best. who would ever believe this confident jock is battling a (petty) fight of his own?

it's a given— this confident facade comes with the price of having no weaknesses— and top knew he couldn't expect much empathy or understanding from mew or anyone. i bet he was a bit confused too; why did i tell mew this? but i guess it has to do with top feeling at ease with mew. he believed mew was giving him options to share at his own pace, never once forcing top to say anything without his will.

mew was doubtful, and i think it's very valid. this also kind of verifies the idea that mew hasn't totally believed in everything top said/did to him, hence the 'reset' agenda mew introduced in their 'relationship'. mew knew all along of top's game, but this was mew confronting top head-on, with sincerity, because top was vulnerable. top was honest for the first time, at least to himself. and what would top get if he lied about his trauma to mew? honestly, i assume, nothing. nothing but mew's trust and love for top— which is everything that top wants from mew in the future.

and mew apologises. that's wonderful. i think that really sparked something in top's heart.

i still have doubts about top and will continue to doubt him until he proves me wrong, but i think he's telling the truth in this scene. why?

this is the first time top outwardly showed his vulnerable side to us; the audience. we've never seen it happen without some kind of obscurity; it's always from mew's perspective that we see the walls top built slowly starting to crack. but at this moment, it's just top, mew and us. he has nowhere to hide, and no one is judging him. mew isn't judging him. and we aren't too. who would judge anyone who's just sharing their problems? i don't think it's fair to do so.

additionally, i think it's another smart directing. p'jojo and p'ninew introduced this scene to us early on so that we know why top ended up doing whatever he will do in the future— it provides an exhibition(s) once topmew's relationship is put into 'trial'. at least, we know that top isn't entirely bad; he's just someone who resorted to sex because he can't sleep. however, that doesn't justify infidelity/dishonesty in any form of relationship.

and it's also interesting how we know mew (and the other characters) are being interviewed in the blue room, which means they (and us, the person behind the camera) are involved in their story too. this is why i said we're more so included in their journey in this series. also, the characters will turn to us to seek validation/answers/confirmation on what they should/will do in the future. i think that's why this scene feels sincere and heart-wrenching because we are present at the moment— we are there to witness top showing a part of himself that he despises; his sleeping problems, not only to mew but the audience.

i like this scene a lot because we get to see mew being the way we all perceive him to be initially; kind, understanding and helpful. these are the traits that bound ray around mew still, and this also will be the reason for top's deep infatuation for mew in the future.

furthermore, when mew offered to sleep next to top, i really see that as an act of kindness. this moment brought out the best side of mew, the gentle and attentive side of him that everyone loves him for (ray especially). so it was a liberating moment for top to have a taste of mew again— not sexually— but this intimacy that transcends the 'comfort' sex can give to top.

at this point, what i can deduce is sex has always been top's 'sleeping pill'. he can spend the whole night fucking someone so that he won't have to close his eyes and surrender to the trauma of 'dying alone'. i guess a part of top is just afraid of being lonely— of not being wanted. that's why he created this confident persona. it's the only way to make people 'desire' him. it's the only way to be valid and wanted by anyone.

but hugging mew— having someone on the bed and not doing anything but cuddling— provides top with the warmth and security he has always wanted and needed. as i said, this will be the main reason why top will hold onto mew— why he likes mew so much— why he's the one crying as mew confronted him of his past 'sins'.

but still, it breaks my heart how top insists that he's fine and he doesn't want mew to worry about him (or see/belittle his flaws to his face). it would hurt top's pride if mew did that. but we all know mew wouldn't. if a person is kind to him— if they respect mew, mew will respect them too.

in fact, mew offered a helping hand—

—in which top quickly agreed.

it's so... sad. it's sad how mew is the one who wanted to know top better; mew is the one who wanted to help top to sleep better; mew is the one who brings out the best in top.

but it's also sad how this won't be easy for top because boston is still around; his sexual needs aren't yet fulfilled; his ego is constantly challenged by mew and boston; top resorting to boston as boston has always been the easiest 'way out' to make top feel in control again. top is so afraid of losing control of himself and his surroundings that he knows— fucking and having boston in his life will always provide him with a sense of power and stability.

and that's just heart-shattering to me.

side note: i guess, when top and boston have sex in the car next week, it might be because of top's frustration. he feels like a loser because mew is constantly toppling his ego and top just can't take that from mew. he feels so powerless and challenged by mew's firmness. why? because mew is his weakness. and top is slowly realising whatever mew said to him during the laser tag game was true. perhaps, top was in a state of denial; he was trying to discredit his feelings for mew, not wanting to believe it is not more than ' i think i like you' but merely 'i just want to fuck you'. this will fuck top up so badly and thus— boston is there at his service. boston will say that he's right all along and mew isn't interested in top and he's already losing in this game. so top takes boston in because, with boston, he'll always win. //this breaks my heart...

damn. i'm just... shattered... at this point. this checklist thing is driving me to the edge. goodness. mew. top. you guys are killing me.

how topmew's relationship will play out; a prediction

i would like to share my assumption on how the first half of topmew's relationship will unfold (episodes 3 to 6).

in episode 3, i think it'll be the start of mew discovering top and boston's secret relationship (the car sex will be crucial evidence in the future).

since p'book said episode 4 will be spicy, i have a feeling their first time will be in episodes 4/5 as mew might 'change' his strategy now by allowing top to have 'his way' with mew.

then, episode 5 will be topmew's 'honeymoon' phase when they're finally coming to terms with their feelings. the shower scene we see in the trailer might be in episodes 4-5 too since top said, "before, when i had sex with someone else, my only concern was if i orgasmed. but with mew, i want to make you as happy as possible." i guess this line is spoken before they have sex (to make mew believe that mew is always going to be top's priority). but it can also be after they had sex too.

i read a tweet that said forcebook love episode 6 the most. p'force said it is the climax so i'm guessing it's when the confrontation scene will take place. mew might've saw something relating to topboston's relationship (the photobooth picture that nick has? i think nick might show it to mew just because nick wants boston to stop meeting top), so he lashes out at top right there and then, perhaps no longer believing in anything top tries to justify.

and i think after episode 6 ends, it'll be the start of the intense drama, not only between topmew but other pairs as well. also, this marks the beginning of mew's transformation.

but again, these are just assumptions that i made. hehe

conclusion

it's fascinating to see how top sheds the confident side of him— the most important aspect of his personality— to mew, the person top wanted to win over. i like this vulnerability top showed to mew. it kind of solidifies the idea that top will cave into mew more and more in the future, and that dependency will turn into deep love— i want to believe top will love mew so much that he can't live without mew anymore. cue those heartbreaks because i'm so excited to see top breaking apart.

i honestly think i can no longer write a coherent and good topmew discussion post because they're just confusing and baffling me in every episode. however, if i ever want to highlight some important parts i see in an episode, i will try my best to pen them down. i apologise for this thought vomit :(

[1 | 2 | 3 | 4 (i) | 4 (ii) | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12]

[rabbiitte]

Character analysis #3

Saving Others, Losing Himself: Sand's Savior Complex Explored.

EP8 titled "save me" can be interpreted in multiple ways but, since the title of the episode refers to a plea for help, who's the savior in the episode?

Top is the sevior: he joins forces with Cheum to try to save Mew from himself. In the process, he saves Ray from being arrested.

Sand is the savior: despite Ray's poor treatment, Sand still wants to help him. He comforts Yo after the breakup. He attends the party to support/confort Nick. In the process, he saves Ray from being arrested.

However, I would like to focus on another perspective:

Sand is the savior and the one who must be saved: despite Ray's poor treatment, Sand is trapped in the “hero” role. He has a lot of empathy but no strength to set boundaries, hence he's trapped in a toxic relationship.

Actually, Sand occupies the "hero" role in each of his interpersonal relationships. Have you noticed that the people closest to Sand are people he has to take care of? Like his mom, Ray or Nick.

Of course, wanting to help someone is a positive and normal desire. However, excessive saviorism has a wide range of consecuences.

Saviorism: refers to the belief or attitude that one person or group can save or rescue another, often from difficult circumstances. It can manifest in various contexts, such as in charitable efforts, international aid, or personal relationships, where one assumes a superior position with the intention of helping or fixing perceived problems.

Excessive saviorism can lead to the development of what is commonly referred to as a "savior complex".

Savior complex: refers to a psychological phenomenon characterized by a strong need to solve people's problems or "save" them from painful situations, to the detriment of one's well-being. Individuals with a savior complex may have an inflated sense of self-importance, believing that they alone can solve problems and rescue others. This mindset can be driven by a variety of factors, including a desire for validation, a need to feel needed, or a belief that one's worth is tied to their ability to save or fix others.

Perhaps the best-known example of someone with a savior complex is Superman:

He often embodies this complex with his unwavering commitment to protect and save people. He feels a deep responsibility to use his powers for the greater good and puts others needs before his own.

Sand's const desire to save or help those around him (even in moments of conflict), and his willingness to prioritize others' needs over his own, suggests a pattern of behavior that goes beyond typical friendship or romantic dynamics and aligns with the traits of a savior complex. Let's explore the characteristics of the savior complex and how they're reflected in Sand:

Attraction to people in need: refers to the tendency to be attracted to relationships where the other person is in a vulnerable or dependent position.

Unconsciously, Sand is drawn to people who need his help or care like Ray or Nick. He's drawn to Ray once he learns more about his life, childhood trauma and motivations. He also develops a friendship with Nick, someone with a strong need for affection.

High empathy: refers to a strong ability to empathize with others' pain or struggles, which intensifies the desire to alleviate that pain.

Unlike Mew (the other sevior of the series), who saves but judges people in the process, Sand saves with a high level of empathy.

For example, when Sand is scolding Ray for drunk driving, he tries to understand his reasoning by speaking without judgment, since he understands his motivations. Same with Nick, who he doesn't judge for his actions because he understands his motivations too.

Compulsive need to save: individuals with a savior complex often feel a deep compulsion to save others from their problems or challenges. Neglect of own needs: they may neglect their own needs, well-being, or boundaries in the process of trying to help others.

Sand's willingness to endure discomfort, mistreatment and put others' needs ahead of his own, reflects a pattern where he assumes the responsibility of being the savior or caretaker. Even though his relationship with Ray is hurting him, the need to help him in times of vulnerability is still compulsive for Sand. And, even if he was trying to compensate Nick for stealing the audio, he agreed to go to the party to support him, even though he knew he could get hurt or stressed (by seeing Ray with Mew or even Top).

Difficulty leaving unstable romantic relationships: people with this complex may force themselves to stay in an unhappy relationship due to a sense of responsibility, dependence or belief that the other person may change.

Personal importance: refers to the atribution of a sense of self-importance and personal worth connected to the ability to help and save others. This act of salvation becomes a crucial source of validation and self-esteem. The need to be needed may be developed.

Sand doesn't seem bothered by Ray's “addiction” to him, he seems flattered. We all want to be needed to some degree, but no one wants other people to be emotionally dependent on you. However, for Sand, who his ex cheated on, Ray's emotional dependence seems to raise his self-esteem.

The behavior (associated with the savior complex) might be rooted in his past experiences, particularly in taking care of his mother, which could have shaped his inclination to rescue or support others, even when it becomes detrimental to his own well-being.

The moment Ray tells Sand that he knows Sand is in love with him is key, as Sand freezes and looks slightly scared. This is because Ray has become aware of Sand's feelings and how they affect his behavior patterns, just to use them against him. At that moment Sand snapped back to reality.

If Sand should be saved, who saves Sand? Himself. If Sand is becoming aware of his tendency to play the savior role and its negative consequences, his decision to set a boundary by leaving the party with Nick and not staying with Ray is a pivotal step in breaking those patterns. Acknowledging one's own patterns and taking conscious steps to change them is a sign of maturity and self-awareness.

Read my other analyses about Mew and Ray.

[so-long-soldier-writes]

Nightmares

kai parker x reader

summary: after three straight days of kai having nightmares, you can't take the cries anymore and need to intervene.

≪ originally published on ao3: 3/04/23 ≫

tags: emotional hurt / comfort, alcohol (bc when is damon not drinking), childhood trauma, mentions of abuse

word count: 1.4k

“You guys, I’m kinda worried about him,” you mutter, setting down your glass of whiskey. 

“Oh, he’ll be fine. Just give it another ten minutes, he’ll shut up.”

Another whine carries throughout the house. It pangs your heart to hear, but you also don’t know what to do to stop it. 

“Better shut up sooner,” Elena eyes her boyfriend, annoyed, “I can’t hear myself think.”

“I’m gonna go talk to him,” you start to stand up, but then Bonnie puts a hand on your knee.

“Girl, don’t. If he finds you in his room, he’ll probably snap your neck. And you’re human. Damon’s right, just give him a couple more minutes. He always stops eventually.”

You guys’ conversation is interrupted by the sound of the wooden doors closing quietly. 

“Sorry to disturb,” Jo announces her presence with a small wave. Alaric’s standing behind her, smiling a little. “Mind if we join you?”

Damon raises his glass, “just drinking, come on over!”

“Yeah, I figured,” the now-human joins the group, “could use some drinks and company.”

As they get comfortable, another cry rings out from upstairs.

“Oh my god, who is that? Is everything okay?” Rightfully so, Jo looks alarmed. 

Damon, however, just rolls his eyes. “That’s Kai. He’s been doing that for three straight days. But like I told Y/N here, give him ten minutes and he’ll shut up.”

“I still can’t believe you’re having him stay here.”

“Yes, Rick, I can’t either. But we need to keep an eye on the sociopathic weasel, and keeping him here is the best way to do that. Plus, he doesn’t have anywhere else to go, and while I don’t care, I don’t want him to start angry-killing because he feels confused. So until he figures his shit out, we’re stuck with him.”

“Ugh,” is all the man answers.

“Very big ugh,” agrees his girlfriend. “So what’s the noise? What’s his problem?”

“Nightmares? Irritating us? I have no idea.”

“If you guys would let me go check on him, I could solve that question.”

“No, Y/N, you are not going up there,” Damon looks you straight in the eye. “What if it is nightmares? Bonnie’s right, he’ll snap you in two.”

“Only if I startle him.”

“You put wayyyy too much faith in someone who’s tried to kill everyone in here.”

“He’s never tried to kill me.”

“You’re missing the point.”

Another few cries. You can’t take it anymore. 

“If I need help, I’ll call out. I need to at least try to calm him down.”

“Your funeral,” Damon seems to give up on convincing you. 

As you wander up the stairs, you hear them talking. 

“What does he even have nightmares for? He’s probably the cause of most people’s nightmares.”

“He caused mine for twenty-two years.”

“I just wish he’d shut up.”

“Y/N is going to die.”

“I should’ve killed him when I had the chance.”

You roll your eyes at all of them, resting your hand on the knob of Kai’s door. You make sure to be extremely quiet as you turn it so as not to startle him. Then, ever so gently, you sit on the unoccupied side of his bed, giving you enough distance to reach him, but also to jump out of the way. 

“Kai,” you whisper, “you okay?”

He doesn’t budge. 

“Hey. I’m not gonna hurt you, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Suddenly, you become startled when he jolts in his sleep, letting out a terrified whine. Without much thought, you reach out to steady his shoulder, and his eyes snap wide open. 

Fear, anger, confusion; these are the emotions painted on his face as he realizes you’re beside him. They happen one after another, seconds after each other, until he’s left confused with your presence. 

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m just checking on you. Want to make sure you’re okay.”

“What happened?” He whispers, throat cracking. 

“Nothing, baby, nothing happened.” You hand him a water sitting on the nightstand. “But we heard you crying, and I needed to check on you.”

“Heard me crying? How loud? I didn’t mean to.”

The vulnerable side is something new. He must be too tired to hide it. 

“It’s okay, sweet. I mean, the house echoes, so we could hear it downstairs, but don’t worry about it.”

“Why did you check on me? How did you convince Damon to let you come up here alone?”

You can’t help but giggle at the truth in that question. “Told him I was going to see you and there’s nothing he could do about it.”

He laughs, for a minute, until his face grows serious again. “But why do you care?”

“Because I care about you, Kai. If you’re upset, I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Why?”

“Do I need a reason?”

“I don’t know, I just… not used to people caring.”

“Well I do.”

It’s quiet for a moment. Then, Kai takes a risk. 

“My dad.”

“Hm?”

“The nightmare, it was about my dad.”

You turn your body towards him, hoping the gesture shows him that you’re giving all your attention to his words. 

“I, uh, wasn’t the child he ever wanted. I mean, of course, he wanted children - otherwise, he wouldn’t have had eight of them. But I was the disappointment; the abomination. Could never live up to his standards; could never fulfill my coven duties.”

You swallow hard, nodding for him to continue. 

“Only being able to siphon magic led to some… memorable punishments when I was a kid. I hadn’t meant to hurt her, but when I tried to borrow some from my sister, boy was he angry. That was the day I learned there’s a spell for an invisible punch to the gut. And when I was twelve, and had by then learned how to manipulate the magic he’d use to punish me, I learned what a real punch to the gut felt like. Of course, there’s so many great ones that play on repeat in my head, but these two are just top tier… fatherly love.”

Your heart was already splintered by his cries, but hearing his story shatters it completely.

“Kai…,” you impulsively reach a hand up to his face to stroke his cheek.

He flinches hard as you do so, and you draw back. 

“I’m sorry. I’m not going to hurt you. You trust me?”

“Considering I just overshared about my family, yeah. Can I trust you?”

“Of course, sweet.” You raise your hand again, and this time, he doesn’t move. You draw your thumb along his cheek and jawline, looking into his eyes softly. “You’re okay now. He can’t hurt you. I won’t let him. And he’s all the way across the country, too. You’re safe.”

“I don’t know why I told you all that,” he admits.

“Maybe it’s because you know I won’t tell. I won’t tell, and I won’t treat you differently because of it. I’m serious, Kai, you can trust me.”

“I do. Thank you. And thanks for waking me up, too. It was just… replaying in my head, over and over.”

“Drink some more water. Maybe play music? Distract yourself. Or do you have a fan?”

“Uh, I don’t know. But, um…” he hesitates to ask.

“What’s up?”

“Can you… maybe… stay with me? I feel less scared when you’re with me.”

“Of course, Kai.” 

He lifts the blanket up and around you, then gives you a soft smile. You can’t help but press a kiss to his hand as you feel yourself start to drift into sleep.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

◇◇◇◇

“Heyyyy! Brought the bourbon this time. Everyone up for drinks?” Rick saunters into the living room of the boarding house. Jo’s right behind him. 

“Yes, please! And thank you,” Damon sighs in relief at the sight of alcohol. 

The two join the group. Jo looks around, cocking her head in confusion, “where’s Y/N?”

“Oh, yeah, that one. She’s with Kai.”

“With Kai?!” Rick’s eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“Yep. For five consecutive nights now, she’s been sleeping with Kai.”

“What?!”

“Actually sleeping, too,” Elena butts in, “I’ve checked. They’re dead asleep. Close, but clothed.”

“And Kai has not made one annoying sound since,” Damon finishes. 

“So, she didn’t die?”

“Nope! She’s - dare I say - bonding with the weasel. But hey, as long as she’s still kicking, and he’s not baby-crying, I guess it’s fine. That’s what I like to call - a problem for another time!”

“I’ll drink to that, I guess!” Rick pours himself a glass, and everyone else follows suit. 

[causenessus]

fic authors self rec! ♡ when you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. let’s spread the self-love ♡

I WAS GONNA SAVE THIS TOMORROW BUT I KEEP SEEING OTHERS AND IT'S REALLY REALLY MOTIVATING ME <33 (although i don't think i have five other moots to send this to bc idk who else has done it or had it sent to them...)

HAVE I EVEN WRITTEN FIVE THINGS?? I DEF DO NOT POST A LOT OF ONESHOTS 😭

love notes | suna rintarou

OBVIOUSLY MY NUMBER ONE!!! the premise of the smau is so so important to me <3 i love art so much and graffiti just feels so in character for suna?? and he's such a loverboy?? and the photography plot has just really opened my eyes to the amount of time and effort that goes into the profession!!! oh my god i always think about all the lyrics i picked out <3 and just suna and yn dancing around their problems but still flirting with each other some of my fav chapters definitely have to be chapter 3 and 9 (i have been this 🤏 close to reblogging chapter 9 and just saying paragraph 8 like a thousand times. i wrote that entire little excerpt on a tramway in nyc on the way to roosevelt island) <3 my life while i was writing love notes was really nice and this smau is just so so important to me and i was so happy that others also enjoyed it omg i need to stop yapping <3

try again | sakusa kiyoomi

one of my favorites bc it's basically a self insert 😭😭 it's honestly helped me realize so much about myself and is such a comfort fic for me!! i've read a few fics that seem to capture this feeling of like looking back on a time long ago, which is sort of like fond nostalgia? sort of like if you were married and think back to how you married your spouse, or sitting on a rooftop with your best friend and thinking about how you guys were in your younger days if that makes sense. i love that feeling of it being like your reading a story that happened some time ago, and isn't happening currently, and that's what try again feels like to me. the therapist-client dynamic and messy characters is so important to me, AND U GUYS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF SELF INDULGENCE TRAUMA DUMP IS COMING SOON <3 (sorry this sounds so aggressive omg)

see you at the altar | suna rintarou

one of my fav fav drabbles!! it was so sweet and once again just suna being a lover boy is so important to me!! it warms my heart just thinking about being his love and aa <3

new grounds | kageyama tobio

literally sparked my love for kageyama!! and this felt like my first actual smau and i'm still very proud of it and in love with it <3 like it was so cozy and all good vibes!! super self indulgent for me writing about a reader in technical theatre and the friend groups and everything we're so special to me <3 i get so many sort of like just big childhood friend groups vibes from this fic lowk i think i may have to look into making moodboards for it...not to mention how much @cr4yolaas' night shift smau is inspiring me... (shameless plug)(ALSO RYE I HAVE TO SEND THIS ASK TO U!! I NEED TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR SELF RECCS AND THOUGHTS ABOUT YOUR OWN FICS <33 I WILL BE IN YOUR INBOX SOON!!)

cold kisses | kozume kenma

life was also lowk a little enjoyable while writing this smau!! like i remember running around fighting for my life the day of prom because i was trying to get ready AND post a chapter of cold kisses <3 i spent so many nights in a cafe writing this smau, i remember the exact seat of the cafe i was sitting in while outlining the smau, i remember working at my last job on dish, and having to stop and pull out my phone to write down ideas, and my manager passing me by and giving me a weird look <3 sorry i guess i associate times in my life a lot with my works although i think that's kind of cool!! i also loved the entire premise of this smau ofc <3 all sparked by how much figure skating tiktok inspired me <3

[atriza]

I love your writing style so much! Could you do a heartbreak high one where ant and spider look after the reader who has abusive parents? Only if ur comfortable with it tho!! <3

Thank you for your Compliment 🫶🏻I'd love to write that for you😊 I hope you like it!

---

Shelter in Shadows

Spider×Reader×Ant

Genre: Angst

Summary: When things at home become too much, you turn to Ant and Spider for support. As they discover the truth about your abusive household, they do everything they can to make sure you feel safe and cared for, proving that sometimes, family isn’t the one you’re born into—it’s the one you choose.

Word Count: 1,749

Content Warning:

This story contains themes of abuse (both physical and emotional) and trauma related to an unsafe home environment. It explores feelings of fear, isolation, and the process of seeking help. Please read with care if these topics are sensitive or triggering for you.

The afternoon sun was sinking behind thick, grey clouds, casting an eerie shadow over the streets. You walked quickly, your hoodie pulled tight over your head, trying to stay unnoticed as you weaved through the familiar alleyways. The neighborhood was alive with noise—cars honking, people chatting on street corners—but it all felt like a blur, distant and muted. The weight in your chest grew heavier with each step, the closer you got to home.

But tonight wasn’t going to be like the others.

Instead of heading back to the house that filled you with dread, you found yourself in front of Ant's place. His home—usually filled with laughter, reckless banter, and a kind of chaos you secretly loved—was the one place that felt like an escape. You hadn’t told Ant or Spider the full story yet. Not about your parents. Not about the bruises that painted your skin in hidden places or the words they threw like knives. You weren’t sure you ever could. But you knew one thing—you couldn't go back tonight.

With a shaky breath, you raised your fist and knocked on the door.

A moment passed, and the door swung open, revealing Ant’s familiar face. His usual cocky grin faltered the second he saw you, his brows furrowing in concern. "Hey, you alright?" he asked softly, stepping aside to let you in without hesitation.

You nodded, though the lump in your throat made it feel like a lie. You hadn’t felt alright in a long time.

The house was warm, and the familiar sounds of Spider’s terrible playlist blaring from a speaker filled the space. Spider was sprawled out on the couch, scrolling through his phone, not even bothering to look up at first. But then he caught sight of you, and like Ant, his entire demeanor shifted.

He sat up, his usual carefree expression turning serious. "What’s going on?" he asked, his voice quieter than usual.

You shrugged, pulling your sleeves down over your hands, hiding the marks. "I… just needed to get out," you mumbled. The tension in your body was unbearable, the fear gnawing at your insides. You weren’t sure what you were expecting—maybe that they’d ask you to leave, tell you they didn’t have time for your problems.

But they didn’t. Instead, Ant closed the door behind you gently, giving you space, while Spider moved over to make room for you on the couch.

"Sit down," Ant said, guiding you over. "You don’t have to explain, but... we’re here if you wanna talk."

You bit your lip, sitting between them. The weight of their stares pressed on you, but not in a bad way. It was like they were waiting for you to speak, but they weren't pushing. It was one of the things you appreciated about them—they gave you room to breathe when you needed it.

But tonight, the pressure was too much to hold in.

"I can’t go back there," you blurted out before you could stop yourself. Your voice cracked, and the tears you’d been holding back for so long finally spilled over. You pulled your knees to your chest, wrapping your arms around yourself as if that could hold you together. "I… I just can’t."

Ant and Spider exchanged a quick glance. Ant’s hand hovered over your shoulder, not quite touching you, unsure of what to do. Spider’s jaw clenched, his usual easygoing vibe replaced with something much more serious.

"Okay," Ant said gently. "You don’t have to. You’re staying here tonight. No question."

"Yeah," Spider chimed in, his voice low but firm. "You’re not going back there."

A sob escaped your throat before you could stop it. Their simple, unquestioning acceptance hit you harder than anything. It was like a dam breaking. You had always expected rejection, always expected people to get fed up with you—just like your parents did. But not them. Not Ant and Spider.

"I don’t want to bother you guys," you whispered, wiping furiously at your tears. "I didn’t know where else to go…"

Spider let out a scoff, but it wasn’t directed at you. "Bother us? Are you serious right now?" He ran a hand through his hair, looking agitated but not at you—at the situation. "You can come here anytime. Always."

Ant gave you a soft smile, finally resting his hand on your shoulder. "He’s right. You’re not alone in this."

The words were so simple, but they hit deep. It was hard to believe them at first. After so much time spent feeling isolated, feeling like you had to handle everything by yourself, the idea of not being alone felt foreign. You blinked up at them, trying to read their faces, to see if they really meant it.

And they did. It was in the way Ant’s eyes softened, in the way Spider’s scowl wasn’t annoyance, but anger for you, on your behalf.

"I—" you started, unsure where to begin. The shame of your situation weighed heavily on your tongue. How could you explain? How could you make them understand what home really was for you?

Ant, as if sensing your struggle, squeezed your shoulder again. "You don’t have to say anything you’re not ready to."

But you wanted to. You wanted them to understand why you couldn’t go back.

"They... they hurt me," you finally managed, your voice barely above a whisper. "Not just words. Sometimes... it gets physical." The admission felt like pulling teeth, but once it was out, there was no going back.

Spider’s reaction was immediate. His fists clenched at his sides, knuckles turning white. He looked like he was about to punch something—or someone. "They what?" His voice was low and dangerous, a stark contrast to his usual joking tone.

Ant, on the other hand, stayed calm, though his expression darkened with understanding. "You’re not going back there. Not ever," he said firmly.

"You should’ve told us," Spider muttered, though there was no blame in his voice. Just frustration. "We would’ve helped sooner."

"I didn’t know how," you admitted. "I didn’t want to drag you into my mess."

Ant shook his head, looking at you with something like disbelief. "This isn’t just your mess. You’re family to us."

Spider nodded, still tense but clearly trying to soften his approach. "Yeah. And family doesn’t let family go through this alone."

The word family hit you harder than you expected. It was something you hadn’t felt in a long time. The family you grew up with was broken, cruel. But this? This was something else entirely.

You wiped at your eyes again, sniffling. "I don’t know what to do."

Ant exchanged another glance with Spider, and then looked back at you. "You stay here tonight," he said firmly. "And then tomorrow... we figure it out together. You don’t have to go back to them. We’ll help you find a way."

Spider stood up, pacing restlessly in front of the couch. "You want food or something? I can make... I dunno, a sandwich."

Despite everything, a small laugh bubbled up in your throat. Spider was terrible in the kitchen, and everyone knew it.

Ant chuckled, shaking his head. "Dude, sit down before you burn something."

Spider shot him a glare but returned to his spot beside you. "Whatever. It was just an offer."

You sniffled, the weight on your chest lightening just a little. "A sandwich sounds good, actually."

Spider’s face lit up, like he’d just won a small victory. "See? Told you. I’ve got skills."

As he disappeared into the kitchen, Ant leaned in closer, his voice soft again. "We’ve got your back, okay? No matter what."

You nodded, the knot in your chest slowly unraveling. For the first time in what felt like forever, you didn’t feel completely alone. Ant and Spider were there, in the chaos, in the calm, offering you something you hadn’t realized you needed—safety.

Tonight, at least, you were safe.

---

[bildad-the-shuhite-official]

Alternative Universe fic recs

Dusk by snae_b M, 800 words, sci-fi au, human au, drugs, soldier crowley, one night stand, drugs There's a station between worlds where you can enjoy one last night before shipping out to fight someone else's war.

Snake Eyes by Lucy_Ferrier G, 3k, blind!Crowley, Aziracrow through the ages, bad communication Crowley has snake eyes. They look like snake eyes. They function like snake eyes. The thing is snake eyes aren't all that good for seeing with. He doesn't really seem to let it stop him from doing what he wants.

Part of a series:  InfraRed

Unaching Scars (Which I Should Hide) by Pearl09 G, 7.8k, soulmate AU, soulmate marks, angst with happy ending Soulmates seemed like a good idea at first, to the angels. If people share the same scars as their soulmate, there's no mistaking they are supposed to be with each other. But when one of their own suddenly has the same scars that mark a demon, it's like their greatest fears have been realized. Aziraphale is sent to Earth as an outcast, hoping one day he'll meet his soulmate, even if Heaven wouldn't like it. But when the same being keeps rescuing him and hanging out for 6000 years… it's hard not to fall in love.

Gravity by kaeltale T, 13k, fallen!Aziraphale, fluff, hurt/comfort, religious trauma, ineffable gender Falling starts with a question, and Crowley has fallen twice. The first time he asked himself, “Can I choose a different path?” The second time, he stood under the wing of a flustered angel, and thought, “Can I keep you?”

Part of a series: - Gravity: Fallen Angels

How My Light is Spent by Azira_Amane E, 19k, blind!crowley, disability, coffee shop au, happy ending, hook ups, fluff, body worship, chubby aziraphale, human AU Navigating the dating world when you can't see it can be tricky. For Crowley, that was never a problem; he's usually too busy to contemplate a relationship. The same goes for Aziraphale, though he doesn't have Crowley's excuse - he just isn't really all that much into people as a whole. One chance meeting on Crowley's usual route home changes all that.

I See You by doorwaytoparadiseE, 24k, Crowley is Medusa, ancient greece, greek mythology, friends to lovers, forbidden love, first kiss, first time, skippable smut Aziraphale didn’t know what he was, a mess of snakes and scales and claws and fangs, hidden beneath heavy fabric, deadly gaze tucked away when he spent time in the city. Aziraphale didn’t know, had never seen his face, and had befriended him anyway, always delighted when they met up. Crowley nearly chokes, despair rising like floodwaters in his lungs. Aziraphale is here to kill him. He can’t hurt Aziraphale.

Along the Changing Tide by NaroMoreau E, 53k, Human AU, summer romance, a hell lot of smut, fluff, night walks Aziraphale and Crowley meet at Anathema's beach house as guests for the summer. Neither of them think they're ready for a relationship but when they find themselves sharing a room, things will get complicated. A getting together, summer romance.

A Diamond Sky Above Titanic by SeaBlueEyes E, 58k, Titanic AU, Romance, Tragedy, Angst, Mind Rape, Crossover, pining The year is 1912, and one angel and one demon's lives are about to change forever as they embark on the fateful maiden voyage of the R.M.S. Titanic - and a relationship utterly forbidden by both Heaven and Hell.

I've got more fic recs for you guys. I really loved these so check them out and give them some love!

If you want a particular fic list, feel free to reach out to me.

Have a lovely day<3