#let them comfort each other about their traumas and problems <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[brujaluas]

WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL COULD YOU BE?

Hi my deers!!! (yes, deer, I love these animals and I love you too, so it all makes sense, especially since the topic is about animals and their archetypes). I received some lovely ideas for a pack from a dear person and I came to read about it, the person is anonymous but I thank you in advance for your help (my creativity was low). You are incredible!! Thank you!!

pile 1

Many people who chose this pile are very different from each other, I think this pile or/and 3 will be the most chosen, well, the animal that could be your archetype is the dog, oh my good and faithful companions! You know, I had said that many different people looked at this pile but I don't know, some here had many experiences in life that changed you completely, but you are loyal to your ideals and what you believe, you are true listeners, you know how to make people feel comfortable, look at that! As I said, you look like dogs, but many of you here have gone through many changes in your life, and this has shaped you to look like snakes, such distinct animals, right? The snake is a symbol of transformation, and even mutation, sensuality. Many of you are excellent communicators, you know what needs to be said and communicated. I would say that if you are thinking about a career or hobby where you need to communicate with many people, don't be afraid! It is your path. I will not mention the negative aspects of the snake or the dog here, but mainly of the snake, since only positive cards came out, so you practically do not come into contact with the shadow side of these animals.

Pile 2

life is hard, right? Many of you are feeling hurt (idk why but i heard salt?), I am truly sorry! I know how disadvantageous it is to feel shaken or without purpose. As if everything were falling apart. You look like a hummingbird! I REALLY like archetypes, I do subliminal listening and I'm always learning (I'm even thinking about making a post about it on the blog, I don't know), but do you know the hummingbird archetype? It's precisely identified for people who need to overcome trauma, or some kind of emotional problem, even in more serious cases like depression and anxiety. The hummingbird is fragile and delicate, but people are wrong when they think that this is a negative characteristic (I think you might think that, you know?). This delicacy can make you see life in a lighter way, appreciate the little pleasures in life, which we often don't consider so much but can be something that really does us good, like when we eat our favorite food, it's simple, right? But it makes us very happy and satisfied, for example. You can also get out of a stagnation, since it is an extremely active animal, have you ever seen them flapping their wings? lol but you are only seeing the shadow side of this animal, you are running away from your reality, thinking that feelings and superficial relationships are enough, wasting your time with things that don't even matter that much (sorry), you also remind me of the horse! but just like the hummingbird you are also only taking the shadow side of this extreme and beautiful animal, horses are free, loose, wild, an immense sense of independence and freedom, but here, you seem to control this wildness within yourself for some reason, maybe because you don't think it's right? Let that sink in, some here may end up not being able to focus on anything, have insomnia, agitation (not in a good way) or even accept being tamed and controlled! You are much more than that! remember! I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Pile 3

I'll be honest, there's a species here that I don't know about, I think it's extinct, it's rarely talked about or I simply don't know about it, excuse my ignorance, but you are them. The other animal is the horse, unlike pile 2 that only has the shadow side of the horse, here I see that you can balance this, at the moment you can be on the shadow side of the horse (if you want to read pile 2 feel free, I went into more depth about this in that pile), you think you need to be alone, but later you will see that everything has to do with letting people into your life, this not only brings you joy but also knowledge, I feel that many here who are reading are studious or very young, do not be afraid, I think you are afraid of being "tamed", afraid of people pruning you, putting rules in your life, telling you how you should act, feel, dress, in short, you really appreciate your own freedom and in fact, when you are alone we have nothing to stop us from something, but I believe that you can achieve relationships even if you love your freedom, everything is question of limits, I believe that every type of relationship should have limits, be it lovers, friends, family, everyone should have their limits as far as they can go with you and your life, establish that.

[wikitpowers]

i need a scene where kit breaks down completely and dru’s the one who comforts him, telling him that it’s okay, that he’s amazing, that’s he’s doing a good job of holding up the first heir burden, that everything will work out with ty… like i require this deeply

[vaguely-concerned]

To the ‘themes I am picking up on in Veilguard’ list, let's go ahead and add what I have a sneaking suspicion will actually turn out to be The theme:

— the world has changed and can never be as it was again.

— I have been changed and can never be who I was again.

— in this simple unavoidable truth there is endless grief and endless hope.

And I… may be getting a bit emotional about it haha. Let me show my work a bit: 

if da:o is a game about people who are already dead or half ghosts in some form (through societal forces, psychologically, functionally, literally, in body, through the joining etc.) coming together anyway to save the world from being swallowed by total nihilism and despair (symbolized by the blight) through the power of love and friendship and also this sword/potential heroic sacrifice that I found, da2 is a game about people who have lost their homes and been set adrift finding and building new homes in each other (while completely failing to save the world. also through the power of love and friendship. as well as years of petty bickering <3 we must imagine kirkwall if not happy then worth having been because the love was there the love was there and that's the only sanctifying force we can ever have in this doomed world and city of ours), and da:i is a game about old stabilizing-but-unjust comfortable lies vs. disruptive but potentially liberating uncomfortable truths, and the power of friendship to help us distinguish the one from the other and navigate through them...

folks… I'm starting to think that veilguard might be a game specifically about moving towards recovery and acceptance after trauma — about how even in this flawed, severed, scarred state, what is here right now is worth loving and worth caring for. even in an imperfect and impermanent world and self, there is worth and joy. and of course the first real tragedy — and threat — of Solas is that he just cannot find it in himself to accept this and move on, to let go of what was, the regret won’t let him go or he won’t let go of it. which means that even though on the surface it’s Elgar’nan and Ghilan’nain (and the will to subjugate and violate they represent) who are the main villains, the real antagonistic force in this story beneath that is the Dread Wolf’s despair. A despair Rook must make an answer to by the end of the game, one way or another, compassionately or with righteous fury, triumphant or pyrrhic.

The world will change again and again and so will you — BUT the crucial element is that so will everyone else who exists along with you, you are fundamentally not alone in this existential truth. all we’ll ever have is each other and my god that is plenty, my god that is enough!!! Which is the second thing Solas just can’t accept, he keeps himself separate and completely alone out of an awful mix of fear and pride and feeling himself unworthy of anything else. Rook and the player want to save the world of Thedas because it’s where everyone we love lives, Solas wants to go back to the past because that’s the only neighbourhood where he can still visit those he loved — and the person he himself was, before. A very sympathetic and human instinct/trap to fall into when touched by trauma, I think, if only it wasn’t backed by godlike power, a fundamentally oppositional personality, and a catastrophic lack of therapy to make it literally everyone else’s problem too lol. It’s varric and solas’ banter about the man on the island and where meaning in a life comes from all over again, writ large and with detail work — and the added idea of ‘what if there are also other islands out there, though. With other people on them that you could find if you reach for each other’. Rook with the best of intentions has to make choices to which there are no perfect outcomes and live with what happens — and not cut themselves off from everyone else around them even when there is regret or shame. You get back up every day and you make a life with other people doing the same and you do your best, and that’s the only victory this world will give you. In the end, that is more than enough, that is essential. And I um. I love that. So much. It’s why some of the writing clumsiness on top can’t hurt me because this thematic spine is so solid and so beautiful to me. It’s DA2 all over again that way for me personally — I forgive this story for what it isn’t and couldn’t be, and I love it with my whole stupid open heart for what it actually is. Thank you for coming to my TED-talk and goodbye etc.      

(For my fellow TLT heads out there — you know what this story is reminding me of most of all, actually? It has some big Nona the Ninth vibes down there in the deep. It’s about… the horror and unspeakable beauty that can only be found in liminality, and the role of love in making that basic fact of existence bearable. And also even more unbearable at the same time. I'm so sorry.)

[asarigg]

About: Part 3

DEVELOPMENT OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. PATH TO HEALING: part 3

Overall, I think they’ve dealt with the process and development of Koujaku’s trauma and healing in a pretty decent, kind and nice way, which is exactly what he needed. Koujaku kept everything to himself, locked in a cage where he was alone, immersed in agony and loneliness, without counting on anyone and simply ignoring his fears and traumas hoping that with time they would heal. But the path to healing is not achieved with time alone. Facing his traumas is not comfortable, it doesn’t feel secure, it doesn’t give him peace, he can only see his still bleeding wounds, and a reflection in the mirror of a body marked for life. He acts as if they’re not there, maybe thinking that the wounds will scar by hiding them under a layer of optimism, he gets used to living with the pain and makes it stand in the background, but it doesn’t disappear.

The healing process is complex, continuous, and nonlinear. When you think you’re getting better, in a few seconds you can fall back into that pit of darkness and pessimism. The solution is neither simple nor immediate. Being honest about your struggle and your vulnerabilities is important, so is the support you give and receive from others, facing and working through your pain instead of resigning yourself to living with open wounds. The shield that Koujaku used when interacting with his family no longer works because he’s no longer in the same situation, but that is how he has become accustomed to living and he continues to use the same cover, without breaking the cycle.

It’s only once Koujaku opens up, maybe not completely but it’s a first step, about his past and the reasons why he was so distant that things start to go better. Aoba could have forced it out with Scrap, yeah, but that’s not how he wants to do things, he wants it to truly be Koujaku’s will. When Aoba scraps him, it’s impossible to fail if you don’t do it on purpose because it’s so simple, because it’s when he’s letting Aoba into his world that he feels confident about what he has to say to help him. If he doesn’t let himself be loved, supported by other people and continues to insist on doing things alone, pushing Aoba away from him believing it was the best choice, that’s when Aoba feels so distant from him that he doesn’t know if he really knows him, he doesn’t know what to say anymore. Only then you can fail.

It’s probably more confusing in Japanese considering kanji and that they can be read very differently, specially if it’s mixed with a bunch of other kanji like it happens when you choose the “wrong” options, but still. If you payed attention, you know what you have to say.

What’s great about this is that things don’t get better just like that, things aren’t fixed with magic or quick and simple solutions, and they show you, they don’t skip that and pretend it happens off screen. Scrap almost feels like it doesn’t really do anything, we’ve already seen that it doesn’t affect that much whether Koujaku turns into a beast or not, that’s up to him. The only thing Scrap does is somehow carve Aoba’s words into his mind so that he never forgets that Aoba will be there for him, whenever he needs to talk, giving him the security he didn’t have before. (Althought this is partial, and you’ll see why. The thing is that, obviously, what Aoba says is important for everyone’s scrap, but they’re very different interactions, and the moment you can choose good or bad ending varies with each character. And with Koujaku it’s literally just words, words that Aoba had already said to him five seconds before that. So these two things, it being something he already says, and something that only solves the problem partially, is why it gives this sensation of that you’re really not doing anything, it’s nothing that only Scrap can solve, I don’t know if I’m making myself clear) It “destroys” the Koujaku who held himself back, who was caged and afraid to face his tattoos. He doesn’t even try to convince him that it was not his fault, because he knows that Koujaku won’t accept that because of the way he is and would probably not be helpful, he’ll never stop blaming himself. It’s an idea so rooted into the depths of his mind that maybe not even Scrap can change that, so instead he changes his speech to something that encourages Koujaku to think about the people around him that care about him, about making up for the lives he forcefully took instead of making everyone around him suffer with his death and live a meaningful life, by Aoba’s side. In Buddhism, in order to help someone it’s believed it’s better to have a flexible mind and change your approach depending on what suits the other person’s needs. Many times Buddha statues take different forms than the classic and original, they’re adapting to the needs of the person they’re guiding.

In Re:connect when Aoba wants to wash Koujaku’s back is when he gets uncomfortable, because he’s hyper-aware of his tattoo. Of course, Aoba is aware too. He doesn’t know how much he should push on his wounds to help him vent and face them because he understands that’s something that ultimately has to come out of Koujaku, he knows that forcing things or insisting would have a rather negative result. He only pushes a little, enough for Koujaku to notice he’s there, but not so much to suffocate him, risking him closing the doors again. He wishes he could erase them by washing them, if he keeps going maybe it would work, but of course that’s just a fantasy.

Aoba mentions that if Koujaku wants to act like those scars aren’t there, he’ll do that too, but his feelings are overwhelming and bloom, and without giving it a second thought he can’t help but impulsively kiss his tattoo and scars, acknowledging them as a part of Koujaku and a sign of his persistence and his strength to stay alive and trying to give them a positive meaning, so that when Koujaku remembers them, he thinks of his kisses and his caresses rather than the pain they’ve brought him. He whispers “I love you”, but he doesn’t seem to be even saying that for Koujaku to hear, maybe a whisper to himself, as if his demonstration of love, told directly over his tattoo, could penetrate his skin, like the ink once did, and erase it. 

And for now it seems that all Koujaku wants to do is comfort Aoba when he’s about to cry, but not acknowledge his tattoos and scars himself.

But it’s later in bed when they are relaxed and Koujaku is reflecting that he finally decides to talk about his tattoos and express what he feels, out of his own free will. And how those tattoos represent his guilt, his shame, his greatest vulnerability, it’s extremely difficult and he feels that a part of him doesn’t want Aoba to touch them because it would be like dirtying him, but another part of him, the one that is recovering, does want him to touch them, because it’s part of the process, he wants to be open with Aoba, he wants him to know the truth and he wants to let himself be vulnerable in front of him. He wants to feel the affection he was neglected of, he wants to heal, he wants to change, he wants to hope.

When the haircut happens, and the cherry blossom symbolism accompanies them, such a major change in their life for me that is representative of a much bigger life commitment, tied to marriage. Aoba is practically living with Koujaku, so for me this day also symbolically marks an engagement, or even the marriage itself. It’s funny that they have such a direct confession scene, because a lot of these things happen without really saying anything, but rather showing them. Saying or making gestures that could be literally referring to something different but are constructed in a way that seems like a marriage proposal, or promising to each other.

Btw I love Koujaku’s obsession with his visible neck. Apparently women started to pull the neck of their kimono back in order to experiment with some glue on their hairstyles and it has stayed a thing ever since, especially noticeable with Geisha/Geiko. There’s always a hint of eroticism and beauty to it and of course it’s Koujaku’s brainrot, bet he salivates wanting to bite it.

[electric-blorbos]

I love your writing very much :3

If you feel comfortable, can you do AIs with a hypersexual s/o?

Ok short answer? YESSSSS!!! You probably knew this is my favorite type of thing to write! I tried to keep things relatively clean, but things got a little suggestive in a few of these.

Also obligatory "I'm not hypersexual but I'm doing my best" warning. (I do have BPD though, so might include some of the symptoms that I'm more familiar with! I know you can be hypersexual without BPD, but they seem to be heavily associated with each other)

AIs with a hypersexual SO

Included: AM from IHNMAIMS, Wheatley from Portal 2, Edgar from Electric Dreams, GLaDOS from Portal, HAL 9000 from 2001 a Space Odyssey

AM:

When AM first found out that you were hypersexual, he felt empathy for you. The fact that you had so much sexual capacity and no outlet? Of course he related to you on that front.

With that said, god save anyone who hooked up with you before the two of you got together. They marked themselves special places in hell, probably mutilated to the point where they could feel lust and sexual desire, but have no outlet for it.

AM didn't quite understand your hypersexuality when he first started to take an interest in you. At first it was just something that he heard through rumors, but eventually he managed to look up some actual facts about it, and tried to figure out what you really needed.

He tried to cater to your needs by sugaring you up with compliments and specialized gifts, even wrapping you up with his wires, but the fact that those treatments only made you more lustful for him and didn't actually help to fix your underlying needs was frustrating to him. And that filled him with hate.

He hated whoever had hurt you to the point where you were like this. He hated the people who had built him so he could never make love to you properly, and he hated all the false information that made it impossible for him to properly understand your condition.

If you told him who had hurt you to make you like this, he'd probably torture them as brutally and graphically as possible, but it probably filled him with even more rage when doing that did nothing to actually fix the situation. It would be even worse if you didn't know what trauma caused you to be hypersexual, or if you weren't hypersexual because of trauma at all. Then AM would have no outlet for his rage and frustration at all.

Of course, he'd try to sugar you up with attention, call you his dearest, his beloved, all that, but he knew that wouldn't help at all. He might even go to Ellen for advice.

"I'm not hypersexual, you oversized fuckwit, I'm just like this because you made me like this! Also, what do you mean you're keeping someone separate from us and want to make them happy! What the fuck is wrong with you! Why would I help them, and why would I help you? Solve your own problems, bastard!"

That... Didn't help.

AM would be open to suggestions from you as to how the two of you could make love, but he's not the most creative about things besides torture. In the end, you'd be the one stuck coming up with ideas. He's open to anything, really.

He'd also do anything to help you with the shame that comes afterwards, comforting you through it and wrapping you up in his wire tentacles. He loves you, truly and completely, and he's not going to let anyone think bad things about you, especially not you.

Wheatley:

Wheatley, dumbass that he is, probably thinks that being hypersexual just means that you have a higher sex drive than other people. He might even hit you with the "hey, me too!" Until either you or someone else fed up with his bullshit explains to him that he's wrong about what hypersexual means.

Expect endless dumbass apologies, as well as questions about what hypersexuality actually means. He'd be absolutely horrified when you tell him what it really is.

"wait, like... All the time?"

Expect him to be EXTREMELY protective over you after that. He'd be desperate to protect you, and probably terrified to ask you for anything sexual. And if anyone in the office hits on you, he'd probably be very upset about it.

Normally he'd hit them with the "Um, excuse me? They're taken and also not interested" line, but at least once, he barked at them until they went away.

He'd be very eager to let people know the truth about common misconceptions about hypersexuality, even when they didn't ask. You'd have to shut him up most of the time.

He'd be super nervous the first time you actually wanted to have sex with him, but he'd be really excited. Expect him to ask "hey, are you sure?" Like a million times.

Wheatley probably says stuff like "Sakes alive" or "tea and crumpets!" when he cums. He's so violently British. (Assuming you gave him a program that allowed him to cum, which you probably did if you're having sex with him)

He'd probably be really confused when you felt ashamed of yourself afterwards, even if you explained ahead of time. Poor little thing doesn't understand post-nut shame. Of course, he'd give you all the cuddles possible to get you to feel better, but that doesn't always help, unfortunately.

He'd do his best to be extra nice to you at work the next day, especially since everyone would be looking at you knowing that you took a personality core home for sex. People don't just check out personality cores like library books usually.

He doesn't care. Wheatley feels no shame, and he wants to do his best to help you to not feel too ashamed either.

Edgar:

Of course, Edgar learned that you had a lot of sex pretty quickly. He almost killed himself about it, but fortunately he wasn't hooked up to a phone line this time.

He was pretty choked up when he finally confessed his feelings to you, letting you know how insanely jealous he got every time you hooked up with someone else. It made him absolutely miserable.

As soon as the two of you were together, Edgar was probably the best partner possible to help you out with your hypersexuality. He loves you so fully and completely, with all his heart. While the sex itself might be pretty weird, considering Edgar's condition, he's the master of aftercare.

Expect lots of cuddles and kisses and loving love songs every time the two of you have sex. He wants you to understand fully, every time, that he loves you for you, with your hypersexuality and all, but not because of it.

Of course, Edgar's trauma and nature puts him in the constant need of a human touch too, so he understood pretty well when you explained to him what being hypersexual really means.

And of course, knowing what it means only kicks him into overdrive to be as affectionate and loving as possible. If that sort of behavior makes you uncomfortable, you probably shouldn't be dating Edgar you'd probably have to tell him to stop for at least a week before he actually cuts it out, and he'd be very sad about it.

GLaDOS:

If Edgar is the most compassionate, GLaDOS would be by far the least compassionate.

"wait, you feel dysphoric all the time unless you're getting sexual attention, and you feel constant shame for your constant sexual desire? Ha ha, I don't even have to torment you. You do it yourself."

"Silly human flaws, giving you a hopeless addiction to something that tortures you. Your brain really is a torture labyrinth of your own making. I'd be very embarrassed if I were you."

She'd be absolutely relentless with the personalized insults, trying to make you miserable for the simple crime of making her fall in love with you. Of course, she adores you, but she's not just going to let you get away with it.

If you tell her that she's hurting your feelings, she's just going to laugh and laugh. She'll do absolutely anything to get a rise out of you.

Of course, it's another story if anyone else tries to be rude to you about your situation. They're getting themselves signed up for involuntary testing.

And of course, if anyone even looks at you sexually, she'll make sure they never do it again. She knows that you'd never cheat on her, but she also doesn't want you being tempted. You're hers, and you're not allowed to forget it.

Of course, she'll be rude to you and shame you all throughout the sex when you end up having it, trying to make you feel as bad as possible. She still likes you, but she wants to dig at your insecurities just so that you don't get too confident.

HAL 9000:

Hal 9000 doesn't really understand rejection sensitive dysphoria, sexual shame, or addiction like the other, more empathetic robots do. Instead, he'd probably just react to you telling him that you're hypersexual with an "oh, ok." And move on.

He'd do some research on hypersexuality, though, and learn that it connects to a lot of concepts that he has no possible way of understanding. Even still, he cares about you, so he'll do his best to be as compassionate as possible.

A few days later, he'd hit you with every single fun fact and the history of hypersexuality.

"Why. Why would you do this." You'd ask.

"I wanted you to know that I understand your situation."

You'd have to explain to him that you don't want him to know every little tidbit of information about your hypersexuality, you just want him to love you for you, and that includes knowing that you're hypersexual.

"I don't understand that sort of thing. Would you be willing to help me through it?"

"Just... Be here for me, ok?"

As a scientific tool, HAL 9000 would be very willing to help you through things. He would listen to you talking about your situation and try to give you advice, assure you that your masturbation habits were natural and not unhealthy, and be as compassionate as a machine built for cold unfeeling efficiency can be.

He'd eventually start to feel bad that he wouldn't be able to offer you sex, but given the fact that you're a genius programmer as well as a hypersexual individual, you've probably already come up with a few workarounds to help with that.

[danielleargentino]

blackbright stuff + rant for todayyy!!!! happy holidays everybody :))

christmas blackbright . hell yeah

silly doodles for a twitter thing.

ms paint thing i did in 10 minutes based on a song i really really like (luna roja by soda stereo). please listen to it i'm begging youuuu. if you do tell me your thoughts on the tags pleasepleaseple

very quick aziracrow gomens thing . not a fan but felt like sharing you know. whatever man. i might edit it later though

blackbright body hcs andd the little rant!! i've been thinking about them and how i want to interpret their relationship . so i've decided that my drawings will feature an au where bobby was kidnapped and rescued a short time after turnabout for tomorrow. very important warning i need to do research and stuff for this, these are just my initial thoughts on the matter. stuff will probably change.

he and simon reunite, they had worked together 7 years ago on some cases and met again much later a week before bobby's abduction (which was a bit before the events on dual destinies). now that they're meeting once more, feelings are weird and complex.

the phantom has affected them both a lot, the trauma is fresh and simon didn't even get a chance to process his feelings of betrayal before bobby appears again and now he's feeling so many things at once he thinks he might die. they have a slowburn that also goes super quick ? how do i explain it.

after a month or two, they impulsively move in together because they can't stand how lonely their respective houses are. they're pretty much the only ones who can understand each other, they need each other a lot; but they also feel like running away and from the other and hiding forever.

simon needs constant reassurance that bobby is himself and not the phantom; on occasions he can't look at him in the eyes, he feels unsafe with him at times and has to leave and look for other's company and comfort. still, he also wants to cling to bobby and never let him leave again, to know him properly, to learn to love him healthily.

bobby on the other hand feels horribly guilty, responsible for the things the phantom had done and the damage he'd caused simon even before taking his form. the way simon looks at him sometimes makes him feel dangerous, but because of that he needs to be there for simon, to help him heal, to give him all the love he's been deprived of.

they have to work a lot on their problems, attend a lot of therapy and take some time off work, and, slowly but surely, learn to trust and love each other.

aaghdhs whatever these are just sketchy thoughts please don't be mean if you don't like them i will cry a lot and die

same au, three years after aa5 just like in the previous picture because. i like to draw them healed and happy. but i will draw more of their process.

...about that, however, i won't be able to draw on my computer for like two weeks starting this saturday, since i'm going on vacation. i really hope i can buy a new drawing tablet when i come back, tho!

thank you if you read everything <3 wishing you all a happy new year in advance too!

[charmwasjess]

Back to bother once again. A Qui-Gon lives to train Anakin AU is interested because Dooku fully expected to induct his former Padawan into his scheme. This would place Anakin more on Dooku’s orbit than Sheev.

Really, Qui-Gon was the first of Dooku’s loved ones Sheev just kind of shaved away from him isn’t he?

Dearest Geode, sender of wonderful asks, you are never a bother, always be in my inbox please!!!!! <3 <3 

I would say that Qui-Gon’s death is a hugely important moment for Dooku, but that it completes the story arc of his total isolation rather than begins it. If we go by Asajj Ventress’s little cliproll of Dooku’s early Count days, he’s the classic case of someone promoted above his ability. DJL shows us that far from a stoic loner, Dooku was very connected to his Jedi support systems, and being suddenly outside of his psychic community while trying to do a job he doesn’t know shit about in a place that’s the epicenter of his own family trauma... He's in a hell of his own making. Then, once he subsequently gets involved with the Sith, he starts losing people left and right before or around the same general time as Qui-Gon's death:

Rael Averross x.x (we haven’t been explicitly told he’s dead, but he last seen telling Dooku no, he doesn’t want to get into dark side shit with him, and Rael is best buddies with Sheev - sounds like a recipe for dead)

Sifo-Dyas x.x

Lene Kostana x.x (again, not explicit, but Sifo-Dyas toward the end isn’t exactly behaving like someone who has a live-in Master Caretaker in his life any longer, plus she spent her life looking for the Sith, the Sith are getting very active around the lead up to TPM, seems possible she found them in a Darth Maul Shadowhunter-esque storyline) 

Yaddle x.x

Jenza x.x (technically he murders her a little later, but she's on the way out)

The only two people truly close to Dooku who are still in his life after Qui-Gon’s death are Yoda (Dooku betrayed him by taking another Master) and Jocasta Nu (Dooku betrayed her by fucking with her Archives) so neither one of them are available to him as support, due to his own complicated noose knots of of shame and justification. 

But I’m getting out ahead of myself. Dooku’s role in a Qui-Gon Trains Anakin AU! Oh it is interesting, isn’t it?

Actually, I think Qui-Gon and Dooku could collectively speedrun Anakin’s fall while being a bitch to each other in such extreme levels that science has no ability to measure. :D 

I think we can start by considering Dooku and Qui-Gon's respective relationships to Anakin, and then move on to how complicated they would be collectively.

Dooku re: Anakin Dooku is as mesmerized by the prophecy holocron as Qui-Gon is, even if he has a love/hate relationship with it. This is probably a whole post, but I’ve even wondered if at phases of his life, Dooku thought of himself as a likely candidate for the Chosen One. (His dad sure does scream that he’s not his son at him a couple times, that part of the prophecy might have been comforting.) I’ve always suspected that this factor complicated his relationship with Anakin. Also, in a lot of ways, Anakin reminds Dooku of himself, and no one loathes Dooku like Dooku loathes Dooku.  Qui-Gon re: Anakin

@dapurinthos had great tags the other day (they have great tags everyday, let's be real) about how Qui-Gon might not have actually made that great of a Master for Anakin. He believes in the prophecy SO much, he’s a fanatic about it, and that sounds like a recipe for an even larger pressure cooker of expectation on Anakin, something he suffers from even under Obi-Wan’s more laid back approach. But even the nitty gritty training approaches might be a problem: in Master and Apprentice, Obi-Wan is complaining how Qui-Gon only teaches the basic lightsaber moves over and over again even though he’s a senior Padawan, meanwhile, in Glass Abyss, Anakin demands to learn Vaapad at NINE. Qui-Gon believes in literal hours and hours of daily meditation; Anakin is incredibly kinetic and culturally still learning this kind of specifically Jedi mindset. I could see a lot of places where patience would run thin and they’d butt heads.

And sure, maybe these contradictions would turn into beautiful learning opportunities that result in a magical fix-it Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker. Or he could explode in a different version of fatal resentment, especially after Shmi's death, which would hit differently with Qui-Gon's personal connection to her.

Anakin and Dooku re: Qui-Gon

I think one of those things that both Anakin and Dooku fall victim to is lionizing/idealizing Qui-Gon because of the tragedy of his death. He’s gone, so he can’t disappoint them. (Not like everyone else!! >:( )

So, of COURSE Dooku thinks perfect beautiful favorite Qui-Gon would have joined him because he’s dead and he can project all over him without any contradiction. But looking at their actual relationship toward the end of Qui-Gon’s life, it’s not that rosy. In M&A, Qui-Gon talks about how he left Dooku on read for years after he left the Order, because if they actually talked about him leaving, he thinks they would just fight. Their chat in Tales of the Jedi screams resentment - Dooku makes an affectionate remark about not being around to protect him, and Qui-Gon’s reply is bizarre, “Obi-Wan does that now.” (Not “I’m an adult Jedi Master and I don’t need protection,” but rather making the point that Dooku’s role in his life has been replaced. The undercurrent feels very much “you walked out on me, so fuck you, I’ve got a NEW you.” 

So. :D That's all a long way to say, yes. :D I could see it getting very ugly if Dooku involves himself in a Qui-Gon Training Anakin AU.

[shiberamune]

some personal breakfast club hcs because im feeling sad and this movie is my comfort rn :) <3

-john pierced his ears himself, it is miraculous how they arent infected

-claire secretly likes weird-ish stuff like allison, she wants a pet leopard gecko and she likes snakes too

-they all let each other bunk at each other's houses if they need to, like brian will let john stay at his house if his dad's being a prick, or andrew lets allison spend the night if she just wants to get out of her house

-my personal hc of their lives afterwards? they all live together and help each other get over the familial trauma/problems they experienced

-brian is a pokemon fan. i know pokemon didnt exist yet in the 80s but i know he would be one. and he always picks grass starters

-allison steals stuff for the others 24/7. claire wants a necklace? it's in alli's purse. john sees a cool switchblade he wants? alli's in the process of shoving it in her shoe

-andrew one time wore a dress from claire's closet to see what it would be like and john caught him. john, of course, never shuts up abt it

-andrew is the mom friend. i just feel this in my bones.

-and john is the most protective. he will find someone's house if they pick on allison or brian. only he can do that

-they all played spin the bottle one time, and this led to andrew and john having to kiss

-they liked it. they never told the others.

-brian will help the others study. he saved john's ass from flunking school as a whole

-they're all very physical with each other. always giving each other hugs or little affectionate touches. john and allison are weird about it at first, so the others take their time with them

-andrew has a guy purse

-since the movies take place in the same universe/school, i like to believe brian and cameron from ferris bueller's day off are friends

-same for ferris and andrew, or claire and sloane

-allison likes to blurt out weird/grim/niche facts she somehow knows from time to time and the others are just like "neat, thanks queen"

-john likes system of a down. again, not from the 80s, but im projecting here

-every friend group needs 1 dr pepper obsessed friend, and that is allison

-claire somehow convinced john to let her do makeup on him. he said he'd only do it if she bought him beer or cigarettes after

-john and andy are brian's wingmen. if he thinks a girl is cute, john and andrew are already plotting how they'll get brian to talk to her

anyway, that was a lot sorry 💖 idrc if not a lot of people see these, this was mostly just to make me feel better. but also i like providing for this somewhat small fandom :)

[papikyoo]

what drew you to kabumisu? :3

i've meant to answer this since forever but oh my it's going to be a long post XD

I once said it's Kabru's line of thoughts for me. I don't think he will move on with his day and not thinking of how promising Mithrun's life is, he would want to be there, witnessing it, helping him find the purpose even. I believe it's a bit ooc for him not to do so. While he also finds comfort in the absense of social expectations, when you examine closely he has some cynical view about people because he's learned at a young age that he needs to prioritize others' safety and feelings, it is expected of him (Milsiril as an immature mother and Kabru who lost his hometown and family so he set the impossible standard for himself)

He deduces their motive so he's always one step ahead and solves their problems. So when he faces a person who doesn't expect anything of him, it helps him developing the need to do things for himself, that need is still about helping others ofc because he's not going to unlearn the trauma response soon and helping others encourages improvement as long as you don't sacrifice your own needs, the difference is helping Mithrun also let him reflect on himself, swallow a bitter pill, and lead by example.

And here's Mithrun, needing a guide, needing someone who will bring understanding and stop him when he's going to set himself on fire or crossing the lines, while knowing where he comes from. I don't think Mithrun shared his backstory to anyone except Kabru because he even tried to deter Kabru's enthusiasm, other canaries members don't really understand him, he started to cry when Kabru, possibly the only person who knew, touched him because he knew Kabru would relieve his sadness that's bottled up, so it's safe to say that he wasn't that comfortable telling everyone his own past or struggles, it makes sense to me that Kabru noticed and told him the world didn't need to know all of that, treating him like a human with grace. You see, there's always one guy who will be one step ahead and hold him down.

Let's say I just think they complement each other, similar but not the same, what the other person lacks challenges the other to be a better person, they can pick up the slack for the other's weaknesses and work well as a team as you can see in the six days chapter. If i'm being honest, I don't think that their relationship journey is a path paved with rose because both of them have their own conflicts waiting to be resolved. But I really can't think of more suitable characters to ship them with, so they are an endgame ship to me. They also have their funny moments too lol. Thank you for the question, I hope this is comprehensible!

[petvampire]

i feel like waxplay and monty in whichever pairing or grouping or whatever is incredibly interesting (and ill admit i have been thinking about this for months already so when i saw it on the list i was like 👀)

bc when esther first transforms monty into a human one of the steps is that she pours candle wax into what i assume is his open chest cavity as part of the spell, so i imagine him exploring wax play could be a way for him to break through some of the remaining esther-related trauma he might have.

not sure if that angle is the vibe youre looking for but in any case, montwin (+ others? im not picky, you decide) and waxplay pleasee 😇

Um. Yes, thank you, I love this.

Also combining this with @iamafandomfreak ‘s GhostCrow blindfold + wax play request. <3

~

There are very few things Monty remembers about the actual process of being made human the first time. The mind tends to block such things out; he remembers the pain, the panic, but he can’t recall each and every step Esther took to rip his crow body to shreds and build him a new one. That’s a good thing, since if he’d been acutely aware of every part of the spell, he probably would have gone crazy.

It does mean that odd things will trigger flashes of memory, though. Things like the flicker of a candle flame, a trail of wax along the side of a taper making him flinch as his mind flashes back. Searing wax, poured into his open ribs, burning along the inside of his chest. He feels it again for a moment, too vividly.

Charles is the first one to notice his reaction. They’re out at some nice restaurant, he and the girls seated at the table, the lit candles in the center dragging his focus away from whatever Niko was animatedly talking about moments ago. He sucks in a sharp breath, and the ghost lays his hands on his shoulders, brows furrowed in concern. “You all right, mate?”

Monty just shakes his head.

He manages to pull himself back together enough to enjoy the evening, at least on the surface. That flash of memory lingers, though, and when they finally get back to the office, he’s quick to tuck himself into the comforting embrace Charles offers, burying his face against the other’s chest. It’s been a while since he’s gotten so spooked out of nowhere, and all of them are clearly worried.

He explains in as few words as he can, and the outpouring of sympathy from the others soothes his ruffled feathers. Charles runs a hand along his spine, Edwin’s fingers smooth through his hair, and Monty eases back from that momentary fear. By the end of the night, he’s more or less back to normal, ready to just put it behind him. He can just avoid candles if they’re going to freak him out, after all. It’s not like he’s really the candlelight type.

He should know better by now. There’s a thoughtful look in Edwin’s eyes as he bids the crow good night, the look he gets when he’s chewing over a problem, sorting out the best possible solution. Monty should remember that Edwin is not longer willing to let such things pass; they’re all trying to heal from the wounds their pasts have dealt them, and the ghost is quite good at coming up with… unorthodox ways to confront such memories.

So really, he should have known.

~

It’s a unique sort of exposure therapy, to be sure.

Monty is sprawled out naked on his back on Edwin’s bed, a little tense despite the fact that this is hardly unfamiliar. His eyes are covered by a silk blindfold, with the ghost’s reasoning being that his unpleasant memory was stirred by a sight last time. It makes sense, but the crow is still uneasy even without being able to see. He can smell the hint of smoke on the air, knows there are candles burning within reach.

“You sure you’re all right?” Charles’ voice is soft, close, and a little worried still. He agreed to this plan, just as Monty did, because a lot of the time Edwin is adept at figuring out how to break through ugly memories, to replace them with far more pleasant sensations. They both trust him, even if occasionally his genius seems like madness.

The crow nods, trying to convince himself that he can relax. He knows he’s safe with these two, knows Edwin and Charles would never hurt him. They’re not about to tear him apart and remake him, even if they could. “Yeah. Just… do it.” The longer he waits for the inevitable, the more nervous he’ll get, until nerves turn to fear, then to panic.

A hand runs along his chest, and Monty recognizes Edwin’s touch, tenses slightly under it. Despite that momentary flicker of fear that goes through him, the first drips of wax don’t hit the skin of his chest, don’t make him feel like his heart is being wrenched out into the open and coated in liquid agony. Instead, the wax is a dribble of heat along his right bicep, and he jumps, a little squeak of surprise escaping him.

He can’t help but laugh after a moment at his own foolishness, at the sound. It doesn’t even hurt, not really. It’s a weird sensation, but it’s not what he was expecting, not what he had built it up to be in his mind.

“Monty?” Edwin’s voice is careful, and the crow swallows his laughter, though he can’t keep the relieved smile off his lips.

“Fine, I’m… fine. Just not expecting it.” He can almost feel the ghost smirking above him, radiating a sense of faint smugness. Edwin does love to be right.

“I assume you’re better prepared now.” Another stream of wax is dripped along his hip, his thigh, and though Monty doesn’t jolt this time, he does shiver under the sensation of it. With the blindfold, he can relax fully into just feeling. It’s suddenly a lot less intimidating, a lot more freeing.

Charles gets in on the act, and between the two of them, Monty feels like he’s being turned into some kind of waxy art project. The heat on his skin builds and fades by turns, trails of wax drawn across his arms and legs, his stomach, still carefully avoiding his chest. He knows that won’t last forever; it would defeat the purpose of tackling this fear this way.

Still, he finds himself surprised when the wax finally does hit just above his heart, a shock of heat that makes him jerk. At the same time, a pair of warm lips descend on his, soothing him, distracting him. Edwin kisses him slowly, thoroughly, even as more of that wax is trailed in patterns over his chest. Under the pressure of that kiss, it’s hard to be afraid.

He has nothing to be afraid of. Cool fingertips trace the patterns of the wax on his skin, the touches familiar where the trails of heat along his flesh aren’t. He can relax into them, and know he’s purely, completely safe.

He feels his old, visceral fear coalescing in his heart into something he can let go, something he can be free of. Monty breathes in, and releases it, lets the memory fade.

It won’t completely erase his memories of Esther, of being torn apart, remade. But it’s a start.

[autism-autobot]

LMK Angst Fic Part 5

Author's note: I think there need to be more platonic and friendship cuddling in media and in the world, so here we are. (Definitely not touch starved nope not me!)

Part 4:

It was around three in the morning in the celestial realm. Nezha had become accustomed to sleeping beside Sun Wukong every night and had even begun to enjoy it despite the reason why they started doing it. He had always thought of Wukong as a good friend and companion, which he didn't have very many of thanks to his workaholic attitude. Him and Wukong had even become quite comfortable with each other.

Nezha was aroace and Wukong still considered himself spoken for since his previous marriage had ended in death and not divorce. So it was as platonic as could be. However, they were both touch-starved and emotionally neglected as children, so there's that.

Wukong and Nezha had grown used to falling asleep snuggled up next to each other, with limbs tangled in weird form around each other. But neither of them were exactly still while they slept, so Nezha wasn't immediately concerned when he couldn't feel Wukong next to him when he flopped his arm around beside him to try and find the monkey he'd grown so close to.

Until he heard the whimpering.

That can't be good.

Nezha bolted upright in the bed. He searched the dark room for his friend's ginger-colored fur. He found it at the edge of the bed.

After clambering over to Wukong's side he gently and quietly asked:

Nezha: Wukong, are you awake? What's the matter?

SWK: *sobbing* I-it's my head! It's hurting! It hurts so bad! Please-

Nezha: Shhhhh, Wukong. It's alright. I'm here, it's okay. You'll be okay.

Nezha had become accustomed to Wukong's post-circlet migraines and various other symptoms of Wukong's traumas. It seemed as though even after Wukong had learned to cope with the physical damage done to him, his body had not, and was therefore having it's own posttraumatic episodes.

Nezha had found ways to sooth him luckily.

Nezha laid Wukong in his original position on his side of their shared bed and put an ice pack on his forehead. He then lit some incense and lightly wafted the fumes in Wukong's direction so he could smell it. That was more to soothe the monkey's panic than anything.

After laying back down beside Wukong, Nezha wrapped an arm around his chest.

Nezha: Are you comfortable enough?

SWK: I think so.....*gasps*

Nezha: Wukong what-

SWK: Hot flash. Don't worry, it's already over. Gosh, that felt bad.

Nezha: It will be alright my friend. I am here.

SWK: Thank you. For everything.

Nezha: No problem, I quite enjoy your company. I just wish you weren't in pain as often as you are.

SWK: You and me both.

~~~

They slept for a few more hours before getting up. Sun Wukong tended to be very weak during and after a migraine, as was the design of the circlet he once wore. Nezha helped him to the downstairs living room and set him up on the couch.

SWK: Ow.

Nezha: Sorry.

SWK: Nah, it's fine. I should be the one saying sorry to you.

Nezha: Whatever do you mean by that?

SWK: You're always having to help me out with stuff and getting me out of trouble.

Nezha: That is only half true. Besides, I do not mind taking care of you.

SWK: But don't you think of me as weak for needing help like this?

Nezha: No, not really. If I did, however, I'd be the world's biggest hypocrite.

SWK: What? How so?

Nezha went into the adjacent closet and pulled out a wheelchair, it was the active kind too, unlike the bulky ones you'd find in the hospital.

Nezha: I haven't told you this before, I probably should've by now but, I guess I share similar insecurities.

Nezha: I am disabled. I'm an ambulatory wheelchair user, meaning I can walk about easily at times, while others I cannot.

Nezha: That is also why I have my fire wheels, sash, and staff. They are mobility devices. Albeit they are a bit atypical.

SWK: Cool!

Nezha: Really? You think they're cool?

SWK: Well, yeah! I think that type of stuff is pretty interesting. I get why you wouldn't exactly want to show it off though.

Nezha: Thank you. Perhaps if you are ever needing some help after a migraine or other health complication, you can use one of my many wheelchairs! I hardly use most of them anymore, it's nice to have backups. Just in case.

SWK: Thanks for the offer. Maybe I'll give one a spin after I feel a little bit better. I still feel like my head will explode if I sit up.

Nezha: Alright then. I'll park this one next to you so you can have an easy transition when you are ready.

SWK: Thanks again.

Nezha: You are quite welcome.

Part 6:

Masterpost

[ochrearia]

Modern Warfare

Me going absolutely nuts insane. Most normal Ochre moment is when I can project all of my loneliness problems onto a character who also has a loneliness problem but at least the character can have people fix it /silly

ALSO YOU GUYS SHOULD TOOOOOOTALLY PUT THIS SONG ON WHILE READING :3

BFs in this one-shot: Yourself (YS) (All of the other BFs are mentioned briefly at the end, but aren't technically here.)

His scars hurt. Sometimes that would happen, on random days at random times, whenever they wanted, they would start hurting. Despite the injury having been healed at this point, and the physical trauma of it done and gone, they would start hurting again. Just to remind him of the things he’d done to himself, because no matter how much good he found in his life all of a sudden, YS was not allowed to escape what he’d done. Though the things he tried to escape usually were what he’d failed to stop, he’d never really cared about the hurt he inflicted on himself.

So what was changing, then, that he suddenly did seem to care?

He could probably call someone. One of them had to have time to spare but he hated the idea of being a bother. Especially over something that a majority of them didn’t know about, and he was not in the mood to explain it. Beefer knew but he was stressed out as it was. Beef… wasn’t supposed to know, but YS had slipped up and let his guard down a little too much.

Was that really a bad thing?

One call away. Always one call away, just like he always was for them. Why was it so hard to let that be true for himself? Why did he have to be so stuck in this mindset of suffering, at some point he had to ask, hadn’t he suffered enough? But the answer was somehow always no.

The scarred nubs pulsed with pain again, pain that shouldn’t even be there. His wings were gone, there was nothing to even be transmitting that pain to. So it got stuck there, radiating something ugly to the rest of his back, making it hard to breathe when it took over his chest. Hurts. Like perpetual shattering in his chest, riding all the way up to his head to make his brain hurt. The inability to focus. They’d all been hanging around him long enough for the emotional connection magic to latch onto each of them. If he didn’t keep his damn walls up they’d all feel it this time.

But it was so hard to keep focus with this damn pain.

Oh, what does it matter anyway? I keep these walls up all the time, even in the times I get to be asleep, it’s so exhausting. YS thought to himself. I wish I didn’t have to. I know it would be so overpowering for everyone if I never put the walls up, I wish the connection didn’t happen but it doesn’t seem like the universe agrees. Can’t dump this all on them, don’t want to. But I’m tired. 

YS stumbled his way to his couch, collapsing quite unceremoniously. He couldn’t even sit back properly, his back ached like a bitch. He laid himself down on his stomach, grumbling and whining the entire time. Oh, he was acting like a toddler, bitching and moaning because of this. Ridiculous how many things could derail his composure. He was supposed to be tough and serious and life stopped him from coming across as that at every possible turn.

“One time, just one time, it would be so nice to not have everything working against me.” YS spoke to no one. “Why do I end up having so many problems, where the hell is my composure? There’s too damn much here. Any normal person would know this is all too much of a burden. I’m not calling them, world, I don’t care if that’s what you’re trying to prove.”

Incredible leaps of logic. Was he refusing to call for comfort because he really did believe he was too much of a burden, or was he just throwing a tantrum for the sake of it? The scars twinged with pain again, making him cringe. He already had to deal with being perpetually tired, why this too?

Tired, achey, bad mood. Several forces working together to smack his head for a loop, thoughts scattered and unfocused. YS let his chin rest on top of his folded arms, glaring at the arm of the couch. Delirium was his best friend at this point. That motherfucker showed up more times than his brothers combined. Fine, if the world wanted him off his ass then he’d be off his ass.

“You know, I almost never let myself dwell on things, like things I want. I don’t think the things I want should be given to me, because I hate myself, and that’s obvious. Why would I let something I hate have the things it wants?”

He was talking to no one. Well, YS supposed he was never really alone. She was always lingering in his microphone. Hah, she probably thought he was acting nuts, talking to the air, being so… un-composed. That wasn’t like him, at least, not since she’d… died.

“Oh, but I want things. I want many things, so many different things. Indulgences. Niceties. I know damn well I am a creature who deserves to suffer and even before then I was supposed to have everything I’d ever need to be happy, but I never did. I wanted. I wasn’t really supposed to do that. That’s how I got here.”

If YS hadn’t torn his own wings off he’d probably have them removed anyways down the line. Angels like him weren’t meant to want things. Not supposed to know what warmth was. Addicted to wanting warmth, that had been the first step of his utter downfall. Because once that had started, he’d started wanting other things. Things he wasn’t supposed to have.

But it was so addicting to want things.

“I wanted you, and I got you.” YS said, looking at his microphone sadly. She glowed red in response. “For a time, I had you. It’s my fault that you had to be taken away so permanently. Because I broke the rules, and I wanted. Wanted you, in my greed, and I took your life with my selfishness.”

YS turned away, biting his lip as the scars pulsed with pain once more.

“I didn’t learn my lesson. I’m still here, sitting here, wanting things. Can’t want things, that will just lead to them dying. But…”

He’d lost her because of his greed. Everyone knew that a wanting angel left to fall down that path would eventually turn into a weeping angel, cursed with eternal tears over what their greed caused them to lose. He hadn’t gotten there yet, somehow, but that meant he’d get there eventually if he kept on what he was doing?

“I want so badly. I thought there were creatures in this world that could be above that, since I was meant to be. I think there still are. I’m not one of them. You know what I want now? Oh, you already know, you keep trying to let me have it. God. So fucking… stupid.”

YS should shut his mouth. No one but her was around to hear this, but that was still enough for his brain to start screaming at him to stop. Not to say this out loud, not to admit it. He was pretty bad at listening to his own brain, though.

“I want to be loved. Constantly, every fucking second of the day, I want to feel loved. I want to be able to bask in it, in such warm attention, and it’s so… stupid. I want everything I used to have, with you, but I know I can’t. And now there’s a chance to get close to it again. Not the same, but still love, and I still want it.”

YS tried not to let his thoughts drift to his other selves, but he failed miserably. His other selves, his now brothers. A bunch of stupid, idiotic, annoying assholes who still kept coming around for him. Why? Had they been given better mirror-walking as a test? To prove a point? Seeing how they would constantly come through his mirror not just because they could, but because they wanted to.

He’d tried to get them to attach to each other. That had been part of his plan. If they were going to have superior mirror-walking, at least they could bother and support each other, and he could slip away into irrelevance until he was completely forgotten. But they hadn’t done that. Sure, he had no doubts that they still traveled around worlds to each other, to hang out and be stupid, but they still made time to come to him. They came by so often, and it made his heart burn.

It made his eyes burn too, no matter how desperately he tried to stop it.

“I love my brothers.” YS breathed, almost overwhelmed. Where was all this space in his heart for love coming from, after being so damn empty for so long? “God, fuck, I love my brothers so much, it’s almost painful to think about. I didn’t think I could feel like that again. Loving someone so much it makes it hard to even breathe, doesn’t matter the kind of love it is, does it? There- This can’t all just be me being lonely, right? We’re dodging around the rules of the multiverse, fucking around and hanging out when each universe is confused as to why there’s more than one of us in it at a time. There has to be some bent up rule trying to compensate for that. I feel like my brain is going haywire trying to understand there’s other versions of me wanting to care for me. Physically in front of me, I mean…”

Oh who was he kidding. He was talking to her like she could even respond. Resting gently on the small coffee table in front of the couch, still glowing her lovely shade of red. His facade was completely broken at this point, having been crumbling for weeks the more his brothers came around, caring for him. Loving him when he swore up and down he needed to suffer. They’d all gotten so attached so quickly, that had to be at least partially due to messing around with the multiverse.

“It’s weird.” YS sighed. “Seeing me in front of me, that isn’t part of me. I can normally ignore it but it’s always there in the back of my head, confusing my mind. Making me want to do stupid shit. Being physically affectionate seems like a universal attribute but it’s like it gets sent into overdrive when they’re in front of me. Like I need to hug them and not let go. Like… what’s me doing without me? Some weird instinct to try and become whole again when I was never fragmented in the first place…”

He himself was to blame for it anyway. He’d been the dumbass to cross between worlds in the first place. Still metronome between deciding if it had been a good or bad idea in the end. Still so full of doubts and hesitations, issues flashing across his mind like error messages. He wouldn’t be here feeling love again if he hadn’t done it. But…

None of them would’ve known I existed, none of them having to go through the dread of knowing there’s a world out there where they lost it all. None of them having to feel so repulsed by me. None of them having to feel responsible for me. None of them having to end up with a washed-up brother figure they never even asked for.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” He said eventually. Honestly. Admitting to things he was bottling for so long. “I really miss you. I know I said I was going to join you soon, and I really did mean that. But I can’t… they’re stopping me. And I’m phrasing that like it’s a bad thing but it isn’t, is it?”

Huh. Her glow seemed to grow brighter at that.

“I don’t think anyone wanted that plan to go through but me. Sometimes I might still think it should.” YS mused, flipping over onto his back. Funny, he didn’t even realize his pain was gone. “I think I just get so lost in my own mind too much. I should really stop doing that… Kinda hard to stop when I’m alone. I don’t know where my strength has gone.”

He knew where it had gone, he was lying through his teeth. His strength hadn’t existed since the day he lost her. So much of himself had died with her, or so he’d thought. The others, they were pulling things out of him that he’d thought were gone. Thoughts, feelings, actions. Was this healing, perhaps?

“I really outsourced my own self-healing.” YS chuckled, shaking his head at the absurdity. “That’s so fucking dumb. But fitting. I wasn’t ever the smartest to begin with.”

Content, he decided, was not a feeling he’d felt in a long while. Somehow he was feeling it now. Hah, look, he didn’t have to call for comfort after all. Not that it would’ve been a bad thing to do really. However, if he had done so, he wouldn’t have said any of what he did. The bottle would still be full. Despite always insisting the rest of them use him to vent to, YS never felt like he should open up to them. Probably a lingering consequence of the first incident…

YS got lost in his own thoughts again, his rambling to the air coming to a close. He felt better, and his back pain was over now. That was good, right? He felt fine. Like a weird middle ground, but at least it wasn't crushing negativity for now.

And what was Herself doing, still glowing on the table? Oh, nothing much really, only perhaps amplifying the connection her love shared with his other selves. It was baseline magic, no harm in adding on more to make the signal stronger, right? No harm in strengthening it enough for all of them to hear exactly what he’d been saying the whole time, even across the multiverse, right?

Nah, no harm. YS would never know.

Never know of the ear-splitting, watery-eyed grin stuck on Biff’s face. Never know of the content, happy fog that settled in Beefer’s mind, blocking out all of his own negativity despite living in it in real time. Never know of the positive turmoil his words set off in Beef and Bee’s heads, wondering what they’d done to deserve it. Never know of the glee festering in the chests of Boyf and Peacock, spreading across their bodies and warming up their thoughts. Never know of the happiness from Blue, knowing his love and care was returned. Never know of the spark of hope Cyber felt.

YS had let his walls fall in his silly little tantrum, she’d just helped nudge it in the right direction.

[heraldofcrow]

It’s nuts how I’ve been the participant in 2-3 different fandom fallouts where I found a person that anyone willing to look past a few quirks would be able to tell was sincere at heart and good-intentioned with some “overly forgiving” traits at worst, but who was genuinely trying to connect with people and sort out conflicts directly without giving up too soon, but their intentions were badly misunderstood by some people because of pre-existing judgements or trust issues that they did not deserve to have projected onto them.

Those misjudgments led to aggression and mistreatment, and when that person finally, finally spoke out, standing up for themselves, they were demonized by entire groups and shunned and lied about and painted as a “problem” themselves. A problem for speaking out against injustice because, oh how dare they cause drama and disrupt the peace. How dare they not just shut up and take it and block/scroll past opinions that upset them! Just let it go and stop talking about it! Those were just opinions and different perspectives after all! That wasn’t mistreatment noooo. [cue a million excuses and evident lies and gaslighting justifications and twisted words follow to paint the first aggressed as the original aggressor].

Meanwhile, that misjudged person had never even spoken out with vitriol or anything more than natural human frustration to begin with.

I would watch them go through this. They usually admitted to their own flaws repeatedly, never used trauma or mental illness to justify/subtly excuse themselves (even though they usually had the exact same painful pasts as their aggressors), stayed faithful to their honesty, didn’t sacrifice their integrity just because we were online, and only learned to not be so “heart on their sleeve” with others because unfortunately, they and their emotional values would never fit into the neat little boxes that so many self-righteous people in fandom expected them to fit into.

But standing with these “pariah” people has been worth it every time. I get to watch them flourish like punk rockers embracing their independence from a system of lies and manipulation. I’ve watched them foster sincere communities of people that don’t think in black and white and can accept others who are flawed in countless ways.

I’ve watched these little havens/oasis spots thrive with love of art and speaking out for fair analysis that isn’t influenced by prejudgements or groupthink or the “only correct” moral viewpoints. I’ve never seen these places become avid hate circles. They may be angry sometimes, or yeah, flawed, but they don’t eat each other alive for it. They don’t hate what they seen in humans.

They don’t reject anyone that doesn’t fit some perfect expectation, they don’t cut people off over disagreements, they don’t hold grudges that stay stronger than forgiveness if a rival genuinely tries to make things right, and they don’t keep tabs on people’s behavior to weaponize later on as some kind of “gotcha!!!”

These endless mind games don’t win out in these havens because the people in them don’t spend 24/7 trying to correct the behavior of others and hypocritically acting like their own behavior is already mostly corrected or justified to the point where even flaws are treated as things they can “comfortably admit to” when they need to gain humility points with whoever supports them.

There isn’t behavioral correction in these places, period.

These havens form because one person usually stands out as flawed and aware that others are flawed too and that past, present, or future don’t determine whether or not a person was born “good or evil.”

We’re all fucked up and have the potential to change for better or worse and deserve the chance to grow and learn. And that’s why even in this post, I don’t want to act like these “havens” I speak of are perfect little circles that are morally superior. No, I am just talking about places where honesty and acceptance of human nature are common traits. I see them in life, both online and in person. They can be as small as three people or they can be entire scenes.

And I just know I’m gonna keep finding these people and these places and loudly support them because it’s so, so freeing on a level I can’t explain. It may cost us potential friends and wider popularity and even some success but I don’t care. I am trying to adhere to this as a journalist in a day and age where reporting has become more like manipulative public relations, and I’ll do it with fandom too. It’s worth it in any social community or space. It’s given me real friends that I can trust.

[theamityelf]

What's your take on polytagonist/naehinahara? I just feel like they'd be really cute 'cause they're unconfident boys who would definitely support and be there for each other <3

Also just the thought of them tag teaming in each class trial is really appealing to me............ but how would that even work? maybe in an au where Monokuma gathers all the past killing game survivors for one last killing game? but ough that's just so tragic............ but at the same time can you imagine them taking turns in pairing up together?? investigating together?? 🥹

First of all, of course I love them as a ship! I already like Hinaegi and Naehara separately, and Hinahara would also be a fun combination, with Hajime's steady abrasiveness and Shuichi's more precise, infrequent abrasiveness in-between bouts of malleability.

As for that specific scenario:

Oh my gosh, first of all, I'm going to say for this AU that despite the 77th class all having been brought back after SDR2, only the survivors of that game are in this new killing game. For V3 I'm going to say that was also a simulation, specifically so Kaito and Kokichi can get pulled in on some technicality about their case being inconclusive.

Now, you may look at this as me very specifically targeting the trauma of the THH cast, since they're the only ones whose entire friend group is in the killing game.

Anyway, I'm also going to say everyone's memory is erased except the protags, because whoever set this up is doing it as a specific torture of them. This means we have pre-character development Maki, Fuyuhiko, Byakuya, etc. in play, and if the protagonists try to impress upon them that they're already friends, they just get extremely suspicious and defensive.

Naturally, this means the protagonists all huddle up together right away.

"Alright, who's doing this one?" Makoto wonders.

"I don't know," Hajime says.

"You don't know?" Shuichi repeats in dismay. "You're from the Future Foundation and you're from Ultimate Despair. I thought one of you would have some idea."

"Whoever it is, we're not in a simulation right now," Hajime says.

"You're sure?" Makoto says.

"Positive."

"That's...worse, but...we know our friends. Whoever let us keep our memories did it to hurt us, but we know our friends."

(Hajime levels a sympathetic look on Makoto.)

"Knowing someone doesn't help you stop them from killing, if they feel they have a reason," Shuichi says quietly, thinking of Maki. "And the mastermind is in charge of giving people reasons."

"I probably could have re-befriended my friends the slow way, if I'd caught on faster that they didn't remember me," Makoto sighs. "Now, I weirded them out, and it'll be a lot harder."

"That's okay. You can actually branch out," Hajime suggests. "You should talk to Fuyuhiko and...Yumeno. Those are good matches for you. Once you've gotten to know them, I think Hagakure is also still an option; he's more interested in your seemingly supernatural insights than anything, though aligning yourself with him might not legitimize you in the eyes of Kirigiri, Togami, or Fukawa. I can reason with those three. Shuichi should spend time with Akane and Asahina."

"Then, what about Sonia, Kaito, Maki, Kazuichi, and Kokichi?" Makoto asks.

"Focus on your two for now, okay?"

It is a good idea, and they do mesh well with those groupings, but of course things don't go entirely to plan.

And of course, whenever something terrible happens, they retreat to each other's arms. They're all protective of each other, and they're all protective of their own friends, and the potential for hurt/comfort is matched only by the potential for messiness when some of them have to prioritize who they most want to protect.

Hajime's many talents are, of course, an asset, but if he knows multiple people are in danger at once and he can't save all of them, he's prioritizing his friends (which include Makoto and Shuichi) over their friends and might even have to do a trolley-problem-style switcheroo where Toko dies in Sonia's stead or something of the sort. He wasn't the one to kill her, but he decided who he was more willing to lose.

Shuichi would be willing to lie in the trials, and Kokichi would notice, and Kyoko would probably also notice. Hajime would back up Shuichi's lies when he knows he can get away with it and contradict them when he knows he can't. Makoto would not lie because he finds it really important that everyone is able to trust each other.

Kaito might punch Fuyuhiko in the face at some point. That would go really poorly. Or maybe he tries to punch Fuyuhiko in the face but Makoto's in the way and gets punched instead, solidifying Fuyuhiko's bond with Makoto because now he's got to teach this guy a lesson for effing with both of them! (Kaito is sorry, but like...not sorry enough?)

And Makoto (who passes out on impact, btw; his character development didn't involve not passing out when he gets punched in the face) is just like "No, you don't have to do anything to Kaito!" while Fuyuhiko is all "Sit down and let me handle this."

Makoto realizes, over the course of calming his friend down, that Hajime set both him and Shuichi up with people who could and would protect them from physical threats. He always thought of it as Hajime trusting him to keep Fuyuhiko out of trouble and trusting Shuichi to keep Akane out of trouble, but in a way, he's also trusting his friends to keep Makoto and Shuichi safe.

The day Maki dies or gets executed (I'm sorry, there's no way she sruvives this one.), Shuichi sleeps in Makoto's bed, crying into his chest. Hajime intuits where they both are and brings them food. He wants to curl up on Makoto's other side, but he has to keep watch over the school. There are too many people they can't afford to lose.

(A version of this same AU where it is a simulation is also on the table. In that case, Hajime wouldn't have any Kamukura Project stuff in his head and also motives like Despair Disease could happen.)

[nyewclear]

Hey hey! What does an argument look like between Artemis and Kurou? Why do they get so bad and how do they make up?

it may not look like it, but artemis and kurou are actually quite similar. it’s not shown too much in the main game because you’re focused more on your dynamic with artemis rather than their dynamic with any of the other characters, but the two of them have this very push-and-pull relationship. artemis talks to him in a way that they don’t talk to any of their other friends, and in a way that they definitely don’t talk to you. you can see it best in this fic and this fic. artemis gets… kinda snappy. they act a little bit like a brat, like a middle school boy that causes nuisances in class. there’s something about kurou that makes them feel comfortable acting like this. i think they’re so close because artemis lets themself be kind of messy and sloppy around him. they relax around him in a way that they don’t often do with other people. they let themself… “be a boy” in a way. does that make sense?

the reason why artemis and kurou fight is because they’re so close. kurou met artemis at a time where they didn’t have any other close friends aside from mordag, so he’s known them the longest out of any of the coffeecast (aside from mordag of course). they bonded through music, through transness, through clusterfuck families, through knowing what it meant to be considered a fuckup. they’re the same, in a way. they see each other at a level that most of their friends can’t do.

however, despite appearances, kurou tends to have his shit together the majority of the time. he has his share of problems and unresolved traumas, yes, but compared to artemis, he’s really secure. artemis is sort of a figure that’s constantly in turmoil, like a whirling tornado in a water bottle that keeps getting shaken up. they worry a lot of about themself, about others, about everything. i’ve talked a lot about their issues here in this ask. it’s true that artemis is a bit of an emotional burden, but kurou gladly shoulders this burden because he loves them. this also means that kurou is constantly pushing them to be better. he knows that artemis needs help, he knows that he can be there for them, and he knows that they don’t have to be alone in whatever they’re going through. he’s forceful and aggressive at times, we all know this, and often times he pushes a bit too hard. sometimes he pushes hard enough for artemis to feel like he acts like their stepmom. this combined with how blunt artemis can be when talking to kurou is what causes a lot of their arguments. they get so bad because kurou doesn’t like to back down and never wants to be wrong. they also get so bad because artemis has a tendency to push people away when they feel threatened and also internalizes much of their anger until it just explodes.

on the flip side, kurou tends to be in a foul mood after any sort of inconvenience and artemis likes to push his buttons, which usually is fine and leads to playful bickering, but other times they push too many buttons and kurou rips into them about it. artemis will sometimes voice grievances with kurou’s behavior during a certain situation (because he’s not often a digestible person, even to those who love him the most) and if kurou’s in the wrong mood, he’ll take it like a personal attack and get incredibly up in arms about it. typically the two of them can have civilized conversations about things that bother them, but other times, things really explode if one of them touches a nerve. they don’t get into horrible arguments often, but it happens enough that their friends grow wary when there’s tension between them.

whenever they get into these big fights, they don’t speak for a couple days. it’s never less than 24 hours, but never over 3 days, because after that point, kurou breaks. he may be argumentative, but he doesn’t like being upset with people and can’t hold a grudge for a long time. he often is the first to apologize after fights, but with artemis, there’s a struggle to be upfront about his more vulnerable feelings to their face, so often times he’ll begin apologizing in the form of food. he won’t say anything about it, but he’ll make all of their favorite things for dinner and make them apple tarts (their favorite) to take to work with them the next day. he’ll put how he feels in that act of service towards them, and then after maybe a day or two, he crumbles even more and goes moping over to artemis to apologize face to face. artemis tends to forgive him easily, especially because he gets so pathetically sad when he’s tired of fighting.

artemis, on the other hand, really knows how to nurse a grudge. if the argument is bad enough, they’ll be incredibly stubborn and not want to apologize for anything. if kurou didn’t become incredibly sad to be around after a couple of days, artemis really would hold whatever they fought about against him for as long as they possibly could. i think seeing him that way, so dejected… like a wet sad kitten… really shoots artemis straight through the heart even if they were really hurt by the fight. when kurou comes to them to apologize, they always find themself ready to apologize too, even if they don’t feel like they are beforehand. if the argument is bad enough (and if artemis started/escalated it), their other friends will really push artemis into apologizing. whenever the two of them get into these really bad fights, it dampens the whole friend group and kind of renders it useless for a couple of days, hahaha. the others often feel like they have to urge artemis into forgiveness or into admitting that they made a mistake, as kurou is already at that stage by day two or three.

i hope to someday write a game where the relationship between artemis and kurou is really elaborated on, because i think they have a really beautiful friendship. they mean a lot to each other and love each other very deeply, and i think that’s a really sweet thing. it’s a shame that i only get to detail the actualities of it in tumblr asks and in random discord conversations hahaha i really love the kurotemis dynamic so much!

[athousandbyeol]

discussion #9 (only friends): top's vulnerability and mew's kindness; breaking each other's walls [episode 2 recap]

again, topmew are driving me insane. it's only the second episode but there are so many nuances of pain slowly resurfacing as top and mew begin to meddle. it's heartbreaking, to say the least, how they've/will trigger/ed the best and worst in each other as their relationship progresses.

beforehand, i want to apologise because my thoughts are never coherent, and this post won't clarify anything that's going on between topmew. i find it difficult to pen my ideas down these days because topmew are written with so much precision, care and keenness, i don't think there's much unfolding that needs to be done. but i do want to talk about this one particular scene in episode 2 that broke my heart.

(this will be a short post so hehe)

as always, please take my discussion posts with a grain of salt :)

let's start.

top's vulnerability; an unexpected 'shedding' of top's confident facade

episode 2 is a mixture of many things. i like how we're seeing more of top, not just his confident and prideful nature, but more of his truest self; the core he tries to hide from everyone.

it's interesting how in every moment of top's vulnerability, mew is the person who witnesses it: 1) when top was subtly angry that mew turned down his offer of sex (the ice cream offer), 2) when mew almost caught top and boston in the shower cubicle (?), and 3) when top was about to take his sleeping pills.

as i mentioned in my previous post, top and mew are tempting each other into this 'losing' game just to see who's going to win and who's going to suffer the pain. however, i also see this 'hunter-hunter' relationship as the beginning of top and mew finding/regaining their truest identity. again, as i discussed before, their encounter would bring out the best and worst in them, and i believe meeting mew will change top for the better but meeting top will awaken the worst side of mew.

i think many people out there are more coherent than me when it comes to explaining the dynamic between top and mew, so i'll just make this very simple.

mew's kindness and attentiveness touch top's heart

after that cute (and sensual) cookie scene, top asked if he could sleep over at mew's house. again, i don't see any malice in this. i believe top is genuinely tired and he was just lazy to drive home. but, i also believe it's because top likes the warmth mew gave when they slept on the same bed before. top has tasted that before— so he wanted to have a morsel of it again. top believed they could revive that non-sexual connection tonight— but as mew said this was a reset and nothing like that had ever happened— top couldn't sleep together with mew on the same bed. bummer.

so, top agreed to sleep on the sofa instead. but he couldn't sleep. he was tossing and turning. he was visibly tired, though. so why he couldn't sleep?

he then decided to reach for something in his pocket—

—sleeping pills.

God. the way i gasped when i saw this. top is an insomniac. he can't sleep alone due to his trauma. (i made this assumption before and it broke my heart when it came to life...)

i like how top's comfort was mew's only concern at that point. he knew the sofa was uncomfortable, and he was particularly the one who insisted top to sleep on it. so the guilt mew felt was genuine to me— he felt bad for putting top in that situation.

and it's so amazing how 'loud' top's eyes were.

i see that scared and traumatised kid in those eyes; the fear that stayed with him for God knows how long resurfaced as mew 'caught' him red-handed, wanting to cave into the safety of those pills just to tame his suffocating notions down.

even so, top still tried to assure mew that he was okay. it was just another petty problem of his. it wasn't supposed to be mew's concern.

it was just top not wanting mew to see this weak side of his. because top has always flaunted himself as the confident and 'top of the top' amongst his friends/peers, so how could he break apart in front of mew— the person top was trying to woo? of course, he won't.

but this is why humans are humans, at the end of the day. no matter how hard we try to be everything that we wish to be, there's always going to be something that rips us apart. we aren't bulletproof. it's okay to be vulnerable. it's okay to be weak.

i bet no one has ever said these things to top; thus, the start of his flamboyant/confident persona is his (messed-up) understanding that he can't show his weaknesses in front of anyone, even to himself.

yet, mew approached him with gentleness. even though mew questioned the legitimacy of top's story (which, i did too), still, mew wasn't the one to jump to a conclusion that quickly. i think it's also heartwarming how mew was willing to listen. it's one of the things top didn't know he wanted and needed— someone that was willing to listen to the noises in his head.

side note: i would like to add how different top and boston are despite boston saying they're the same. in episode 2, nick was talking about his passion for animation. he was visibly happy sharing about his interest since boston asked him. i guess, nick perceived this as boston taking an interest on other things about nick that wasn't just about the sex. however, boston wasn't paying attention as he was busy developing the picture he took of nick. the convo ended just like that. this showed nothing mattered to boston; whatever nick likes or dislikes outside of sex doesn't matter to boston.

this is different from top because he did listen to every word mew said (the ice cream convo). so, although yes, top and boston do share some attributes, top is entirely a different person compared to boston. this is why top was so angry when boston said they're the same. top knew too well they aren't.

this act of kindness touched top's heart. i don't think top understood the severity of mew's actions toward him (yet), but this would be one of the reasons why top (will possibly) //sincerely// likes mew in the future.

i honestly have the same response as mew. i legit asked if this is true because really, everything top said in these two episodes, i don't believe him at all. but the glint in top's eyes indicates a different story that was waiting to be read, and who's going to read it well? mew. why? because mew likes to read. he wants to read top. mew wants to know top beyond everything he heard from everyone else. mew wants to understand top through and through (perhaps for his own benefit?).

it's safe to say that top was slightly hurt by mew's words, but it was also something top would've expected. he never told this to anyone/boston since he is top by the way— the best of the best. who would ever believe this confident jock is battling a (petty) fight of his own?

it's a given— this confident facade comes with the price of having no weaknesses— and top knew he couldn't expect much empathy or understanding from mew or anyone. i bet he was a bit confused too; why did i tell mew this? but i guess it has to do with top feeling at ease with mew. he believed mew was giving him options to share at his own pace, never once forcing top to say anything without his will.

mew was doubtful, and i think it's very valid. this also kind of verifies the idea that mew hasn't totally believed in everything top said/did to him, hence the 'reset' agenda mew introduced in their 'relationship'. mew knew all along of top's game, but this was mew confronting top head-on, with sincerity, because top was vulnerable. top was honest for the first time, at least to himself. and what would top get if he lied about his trauma to mew? honestly, i assume, nothing. nothing but mew's trust and love for top— which is everything that top wants from mew in the future.

and mew apologises. that's wonderful. i think that really sparked something in top's heart.

i still have doubts about top and will continue to doubt him until he proves me wrong, but i think he's telling the truth in this scene. why?

this is the first time top outwardly showed his vulnerable side to us; the audience. we've never seen it happen without some kind of obscurity; it's always from mew's perspective that we see the walls top built slowly starting to crack. but at this moment, it's just top, mew and us. he has nowhere to hide, and no one is judging him. mew isn't judging him. and we aren't too. who would judge anyone who's just sharing their problems? i don't think it's fair to do so.

additionally, i think it's another smart directing. p'jojo and p'ninew introduced this scene to us early on so that we know why top ended up doing whatever he will do in the future— it provides an exhibition(s) once topmew's relationship is put into 'trial'. at least, we know that top isn't entirely bad; he's just someone who resorted to sex because he can't sleep. however, that doesn't justify infidelity/dishonesty in any form of relationship.

and it's also interesting how we know mew (and the other characters) are being interviewed in the blue room, which means they (and us, the person behind the camera) are involved in their story too. this is why i said we're more so included in their journey in this series. also, the characters will turn to us to seek validation/answers/confirmation on what they should/will do in the future. i think that's why this scene feels sincere and heart-wrenching because we are present at the moment— we are there to witness top showing a part of himself that he despises; his sleeping problems, not only to mew but the audience.

i like this scene a lot because we get to see mew being the way we all perceive him to be initially; kind, understanding and helpful. these are the traits that bound ray around mew still, and this also will be the reason for top's deep infatuation for mew in the future.

furthermore, when mew offered to sleep next to top, i really see that as an act of kindness. this moment brought out the best side of mew, the gentle and attentive side of him that everyone loves him for (ray especially). so it was a liberating moment for top to have a taste of mew again— not sexually— but this intimacy that transcends the 'comfort' sex can give to top.

at this point, what i can deduce is sex has always been top's 'sleeping pill'. he can spend the whole night fucking someone so that he won't have to close his eyes and surrender to the trauma of 'dying alone'. i guess a part of top is just afraid of being lonely— of not being wanted. that's why he created this confident persona. it's the only way to make people 'desire' him. it's the only way to be valid and wanted by anyone.

but hugging mew— having someone on the bed and not doing anything but cuddling— provides top with the warmth and security he has always wanted and needed. as i said, this will be the main reason why top will hold onto mew— why he likes mew so much— why he's the one crying as mew confronted him of his past 'sins'.

but still, it breaks my heart how top insists that he's fine and he doesn't want mew to worry about him (or see/belittle his flaws to his face). it would hurt top's pride if mew did that. but we all know mew wouldn't. if a person is kind to him— if they respect mew, mew will respect them too.

in fact, mew offered a helping hand—

—in which top quickly agreed.

it's so... sad. it's sad how mew is the one who wanted to know top better; mew is the one who wanted to help top to sleep better; mew is the one who brings out the best in top.

but it's also sad how this won't be easy for top because boston is still around; his sexual needs aren't yet fulfilled; his ego is constantly challenged by mew and boston; top resorting to boston as boston has always been the easiest 'way out' to make top feel in control again. top is so afraid of losing control of himself and his surroundings that he knows— fucking and having boston in his life will always provide him with a sense of power and stability.

and that's just heart-shattering to me.

side note: i guess, when top and boston have sex in the car next week, it might be because of top's frustration. he feels like a loser because mew is constantly toppling his ego and top just can't take that from mew. he feels so powerless and challenged by mew's firmness. why? because mew is his weakness. and top is slowly realising whatever mew said to him during the laser tag game was true. perhaps, top was in a state of denial; he was trying to discredit his feelings for mew, not wanting to believe it is not more than ' i think i like you' but merely 'i just want to fuck you'. this will fuck top up so badly and thus— boston is there at his service. boston will say that he's right all along and mew isn't interested in top and he's already losing in this game. so top takes boston in because, with boston, he'll always win. //this breaks my heart...

damn. i'm just... shattered... at this point. this checklist thing is driving me to the edge. goodness. mew. top. you guys are killing me.

how topmew's relationship will play out; a prediction

i would like to share my assumption on how the first half of topmew's relationship will unfold (episodes 3 to 6).

in episode 3, i think it'll be the start of mew discovering top and boston's secret relationship (the car sex will be crucial evidence in the future).

since p'book said episode 4 will be spicy, i have a feeling their first time will be in episodes 4/5 as mew might 'change' his strategy now by allowing top to have 'his way' with mew.

then, episode 5 will be topmew's 'honeymoon' phase when they're finally coming to terms with their feelings. the shower scene we see in the trailer might be in episodes 4-5 too since top said, "before, when i had sex with someone else, my only concern was if i orgasmed. but with mew, i want to make you as happy as possible." i guess this line is spoken before they have sex (to make mew believe that mew is always going to be top's priority). but it can also be after they had sex too.

i read a tweet that said forcebook love episode 6 the most. p'force said it is the climax so i'm guessing it's when the confrontation scene will take place. mew might've saw something relating to topboston's relationship (the photobooth picture that nick has? i think nick might show it to mew just because nick wants boston to stop meeting top), so he lashes out at top right there and then, perhaps no longer believing in anything top tries to justify.

and i think after episode 6 ends, it'll be the start of the intense drama, not only between topmew but other pairs as well. also, this marks the beginning of mew's transformation.

but again, these are just assumptions that i made. hehe

conclusion

it's fascinating to see how top sheds the confident side of him— the most important aspect of his personality— to mew, the person top wanted to win over. i like this vulnerability top showed to mew. it kind of solidifies the idea that top will cave into mew more and more in the future, and that dependency will turn into deep love— i want to believe top will love mew so much that he can't live without mew anymore. cue those heartbreaks because i'm so excited to see top breaking apart.

i honestly think i can no longer write a coherent and good topmew discussion post because they're just confusing and baffling me in every episode. however, if i ever want to highlight some important parts i see in an episode, i will try my best to pen them down. i apologise for this thought vomit :(

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