#kind of depressing post im sorry
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don't tell me japan never thought of this at least ONCE in his lifetime.
bonus: germany getting concerned about japan's work ethic.
#he's very hardworking but he's just like us too#dont get me started on the toxic work conditions#hetalia#hetalia world stars#hws#hetalia fanart#hws fanart#aph japan#hws japan#kiku honda#sorry for the different artstyle i was experimenting for a future comic#dw its not always THAT bad#kind of depressing post im sorry#wxxderbxrr :: draw
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@strawbrygashez's post about andre going crazy to time is running out by muse got me thinking and I finally got slapped with an even worse afterthought.
I remembered another muse song, which perfectly encapsulates what I think might have been going through Andre's mind seconds before he pulled the trigger on himself.
the song is "thoughts of a dying atheist"
and I know you're in this room, I thought I heard you sigh floating in between where our worlds collide. (...) it scares the hell out of me and the end is all I can see (...) and I know the moment's near and there's nothing you can do look through a faithless eye are you afraid to die?
he IS afraid to die. it DOES scare the hell out of him. the end IS all he can see. and cal's words ARE floating between them as andre's initial escape plan collides head-on with cal's relentless wish to die.
andre didn't intend to die that day. he wasn't prepared. but he accepted the situation for what it was. he had to. he acknowledged that his plan to get out was a fool's game and so, his entire perspective turned upside down in a split second. the moment was near. there was nothing he could do.
maybe at the very end, when he felt the gun under his own chin, everything around them did go silent. he knew cal was still there, he heard his voice as he counted down the last seconds of their life, but it felt so distant. drowned out.
maybe the sigh he thought he heard was in fact the shot that ended it all.
#on today's episode of “you thought my last take was depressing? hold my-”#like damn I really can't write anything even slightly optimistic#im getting all poetic but it's the shitty kind of poetry#im really fucking sorry I promise in my next post I will at least try#andre kriegman#cal gabriel#zero day#zero day 2003
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Current Mood
it’s literally midnight but here I go
#tw depressing stuff#depressiv#sorry for being depressing#im sorry#Sometimes I worry that when I make emotional posts like these I’m being a burden to everyone. That I shouldn’t post these kinds of things.#That people don’t come here to see my depressive episodes. That I’d be better to just keep it to myself.#I’m scared that when I post stuff like this people will leave#I don’t know what’s wrong with me#i’m so sorry#bpd episode#bpd vent#bpd problems#actually mentally ill#emotionally exhausted#emotionally drained#mentally tired#mentally exhausted#mentally drained#actually bpd#actually borderline#bpd thoughts#current mood#current mental state
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okay. hello guys. my bad for not responding to stuff or being as active recently, had a lot of work to be done and other stuff to focus on that took a lot of my time. I wanted to make more art, but I unfortunately had to put that energy into other things (which got to the point where I could not put them off any longer and had to stay working on it). I know I missed a lot of stuff and I'm sorry for it
#unfortunately there are moments where i am forced back into reality#and i remember that i cannot actually spend my life creating and hiding away forever!!! crazy#honestly a lot of it has also been the fact that i am just tired everytime i get home#and my health issues that have been steadily building up#they're really catching up on me and ive been having to visit the clinic more than im happy with#theres just a constant sense of fatigue nowadays#also uh#admittedly my interesting in Alien Stage has been waning#not replaced by any other media in particular. just started focusing on irl life stuff more often#which is why i barely post on shakingparadigm anymore/dont really post anything of substance#its really mostly this alnst oc thing that makes me want to stay because i genuinely enjoy and adore what we've created here#im pretty invested in this even though im not as invested in the source material anymore#not to say i dont like alnst anymore! i still do. i just don't dedicate all my attention to it anymore#which is for the best actually. because admittedly the things and time i have sacrificed for alnst did create a few consequences#sometimes i forget how bad a hyperfixation can fuck me up#again I'm really sorry for everything I've missed#and for being late to apris birthday#and the solauri round#and more#amazing stuff that you guys have made#me bones just dont work like they used to i fear. please give me time#im.sorry again#sorry this post might seem kind of depressing#just dont mind it if you want#thanks for your time#misc#rant#(?)#vent
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being mentally ill is so cool
#i cried the entire night because i felt unloved and abandoned while literally sleeping in the same room as two of my friends#who i have been hanging out with for the last 3 days#and i am full aware i am being looked after and cared about but currently i want to do nothing other than lay in bed and think about kms#and scratched the shit out of my neck somehow#it feels like a personal slight agaknst me whenever i dont get the right kind of attention and like everything is#sending me into a more depressed mood#and i dont want to bring anything up bc i dont want to kill the vibe so im trying to bottle it up but i know once i get home#i am gping to have a massive meltdown#and im thinking about how to prevent myself from launching myself from one end of the spectrum of 'best friends' to#'i never want to fucking hear about them again'#through no fault of theor own but holy shit im lkke going through it#i want to be held and cry and be told no im not an unlovable freak whos only at best second place or worse to everyone and everything else#bc currently sure feeling like absolute shit that is making me genuinely suicidal idk how to stress how fucking much i hate myself rn#sorry for posting it here i dont want them to see it if i put it somewhere else 👍
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hand on my stupid heart flashbacks
this is a No One Knows AU & Full Hazmat AU where Danny ended up in the Ghost Zone & didn't go back into the human world initially because he thought he was dead. by the time he realized he is, in fact, at least half alive, he'd already been missing for at least 2 weeks. will probs never finish homsh sorry. i wrote this a couple years ago in a haze & just haven't been able to finish it because i can't replicate the style, which i find is what i love about this fic the most. it wouldn't be the same without it. posting the flashback introsーwhich are meant to be read between chapters/the actual plot, starting after chapter 1ーcuz fuck it. excuse typos & shit, i never properly edited it, as i forgot it existed immediately after i wrote it original description of homsh: Danny Fenton has officially been missing for over a year. Maddie & Jack Fenton refuse to give up on their son. Sick and tired of the police running them in circles, and the case getting colder by the day, the Fentons turn to their last resortーPhantom. 800~ words (full unfinished fic is 20k~)
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When Danny woke up surrounded by thick, green fog, and couldn’t breathe without swallowing heavy air that was more like water than anything, he was sure he was dead. The portal glowed behind him, illuminating the pitch darkness around him in soft, yellow, warm light.
He almost went back.
Almost.
He was dead. His parents were ghost hunters. They had drilled into his head from the moment he was born that he could never, ever panic in death. That he would accept it. That he would not be scared. So he would be prepared to be brave in the face of death and would not become a ghost.
He panicked. He did not accept it. He was terrified. And so he woke up in the Ghost Zone.
-
Danny went back through the portal when he saw some ectopuses acting… strange. Like they had an idea in their heads. Like they had a plan.
Which was weird, with animal ghosts. He had only been in the Ghost Zoneーmom and dad called it that, he rememberedーfor a couple weeks. Or, he had already been there for two weeks. Or maybe time worked differently and he was there five minutes, or four years orー
The ectopuses went through the portal and, despite everything, Danny went after them.
While he was busy reeling at being home, the ectopuses immediately attacked dad. Danny was horrified. Jack was overwhelmed. Danny stepped in, in a moment fueled by sheer adrenaline and stupidity, snatching a Fenton Thermos™ off a shelf and releasing his shaky invisibility. The ectopuses didn’t stand a chance. And when they were safely in the Thermos, he slowly turned around to dad, ready for the confrontation. Ready for the “what happened to you?” and the “where have you been?” and the “we’ve missed you”.
Dad scrambled to shoot at him.
Danny fled.
His parents didn’t recognize him.
-
The Lunch Lady attacked when Danny was mourning Halloween.
He’d waited all year. He made a costume that summer. He wouldn’t get to go trick or treating with Sam and Tucker this year. Or any year. For the rest of his lifeーor existence. Whatever.
The Lunch Lady appeared in the school and demanded in straight fury, “Who changed the menu?”
Everyone pointed at Sam.
Danny hadn’t known just how powerful ghosts could be. His parents never told him the specifics. Just that they were dangerous.
This ghost grew and her aura hit him like a hurricane, almost physically pushing him back. It was so strong that the students in the Casper High cafeteria seemed to feel it too.
The Lunch Lady was a much harder opponent than the ectopuses. She levitated meat. She used it as a weapon, and seemed to bring it back to life. She created weird meat creatures that grew sharp teeth and claws out of bones. They were mindless, attacking everything that got too close to the ghost. Danny would have run away without hesitation, if Sam hadn’t been in the crossfire.
Danny fought the Lunch Lady. It was a long struggle, but he caught her in the thermos after over an hour. When he turned to Sam and Tuckerーboth of whom he had to save due to Tucker trying to jump into the fightーall three of them bloody and bruised, he cringed. But a part of him hoped. Desperately.
Surely they would know him on sight.
“Wh-what are you?” Sam gasped at him finally.
Danny flinched as if she had struck him. “J-just… your friendly neighbourhood phantom.”
-
Danny didn’t know what possessed him. Oh. Pun not intended.
He just barely caught the Fentons leaving in the GAV, dragging suitcases behind them. He couldn’t help himself. What on Earth were they doing?
They were going to Vlad Master’s mansion for their college reunion.
It was a whole thing. But something was off. Besides all the adults reminiscing about the 80’s.
Danny sensed ghosts immediately but he couldn’t see anything. Unfortunately for him, Vlad could also sense him. It was two days of Danny staying invisible, and Vladーthe halfa? Is that what Danny is?ーtrying to kill Jack. Somehow, Danny managed to fight off Vlad, not turn back, and without the Fentons getting hurt. His secret intact.
VladーPlasmius, also learned about Phantom. And Vlad hated him. The manーghostーwhatever, seemed to only care about one thingーpossession. Of money. Of things. Of people. He was more ghost than Danny had ever seen. Vlad’s obsession was overwhelming.
Danny couldn’t believe someone so much like himself could be so disturbing.
#danny phantom#danny phantom au#danny phantom fanfiction#you know that gif of the wailing emoji dissolving? :Why:?#yeah that's what i do every time i remember i never finished HOMSH while i still had the style in my brain#feel free to steal this idea. please steal this idea. please write it i wanna see this idea so bad but im already writing another 100k+ fic#if y'all want me to post the full fic i can but. it is not finished & most likely never will be. sorry again#i won't lie. the haze i was in was a depressed one. i was. not in a good place At All when i wrote HOMSH#like the only part i remember actually writing was the panic attack scene & that's just barely#i reread the whole fic in the middle of the night months later while listening to Implode Alright by Built by Snow on repeat#yeah i cried. this one is funny but mostly it's just. mourning. grief. the works. it's a vent fic & also a. kind of. wishful fic#like. don't you just wish death wasn't so permanent. don't you wish you could tell them everything you wish you could#don't you wish you could just see them again#i'm actually writing this into a bigger ventier series currently called Let Grief Do Its Work#cuz i rewatched LUCIDS again recently & remembered what HOMSH was originally about. why i was writing it#i'm not calling it HOMSH cuz. HOMSHie is my baby. it's its own thing & i don't wanna ruin the vibes#reluctantly admitting i call an unfinished fanfic i don't remember writing... HOMSHie baby... in my head#yeah i have a cute nickname for my fic. what of it#it's 5am & i think i'll throw up if i think any more about posting unfinished unedited pieces of a fic so i'm going for it. cowabunga#go into the world. get your 2 notes you beautiful animal#*passes out*
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OBVIOUS MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD BECAUSE IM A WEAK LITTLE BITCH WHO CANT DEAL WITH ENDINGS
so like... is there a way to finish the game without gortash dying because holy shit
because i lost all will to do lots of playthroughs on different characters like the regular ending/epilogue is shitty not fulfilling enough, but a durge one......
and my regular tav could not care less about gortash, he's a prick a tyrant sure let him perish
but if there's supposed to be so many choices, why isnt there a true evil choice where you can side with gortash/orin without them fucking dying a second later
IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME
and then you have the dark urge run where, dear god, if anything there should be a gortash ending, and im not even talking about romancing him, like for gods sake we 'started' (well...technically) this Plan so shouldn't there be an option to go full evil bastards with him????
like bruh i wanted to do a full durge run but now i don't want to finish the game on any other characters either because holy shit
#ALSO GIVE ME MY FUCKING CELEBRATION PARTY EPILOGUE WHAT KIND OF FUCKING RPG IS THIS#WHY IS ASTARION ONLY SHOWN RUNNING AWAY POSSIBLY DYING AND SUFFERING EVEN THOUGH WE BECAME FRIENDS#AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH#im sorry im bitter ignore me#BUT ENVER GORTASH HOLY FUCKKK#bg3#bg3 spoilers#enver gortash#lord gortash#bg3 gortash#bg3 astarion#astarion#baldur's gate 3#bg3 karlach#karlach#bg3 ending#larian studios#im also on full on post game depression mode#forgive me#also kill me#the dark urge#durge#bg3 durge#durge spoilers#gortash x durge
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I don't think ive updated my lovely audience of about 60 people about what I'VE been UP TO!! well today
Right after I got home from school I was like
Oh joy! Homestuck time! And then it came to me
MAKE KANAYAS CHAINSAW AND STAY UP ALL NIGHT WORKING ON IT OR ELSE.
Soooo
I'm gonna be falling asleep during class tomorrow.., 😓☹️ totally worth it.
Next update on the chainsaw.. When I finish lmfao
OH AND DID I MENTION IT WORKS TOO?? TOTALLY SICK!
I'd be down for some more crafty suggestions!! (Lol mainly Homestuck or colorquest related since I'm an insufferable NERD.) Soo uhhhh
Suggest like uhm I dunno? Horns? Other props? Or maybe some accessories that some of the characters have? Or Kandi (I'm working on a nepeta cuff lol)
I've been wanting to make Kandi horns!! I might try to do that after I finish the chainsaw!
#sorry gang im a nerd#but arent we all#homestuck#kanaya maryam#colorquest#i orefer doing art instewd of being on my phone for waaaaay too long..#thats sll ive been doing this week snd its been fun!! im not on my phone as much as i usually am#i mean well i guess kt would be nice to be on my phone just a little more..#but i dont reslly have anyone to talk to besides for mj.. but theyre usually busy 😓#snd at school i often keep to myself#gee#im kind of just realizing how lonely i am#but at least i have SOME people to talk to#maybe im just being stubborn?#ooor maybe people just dont like me?#but that would be sort if reasonable because i dont like a lot of people i know irl#because.. gee#they suck.. i csnt even describe it#i think i just might be a bit depressed#or maybe the election just really got to me#or maybe im just tired#im not entirely sure so thst probsbly just means im tired?#whatever#loll im rambling#but hey#its my blog and i kinds use this blog as like a journal! and writing these super long posts makes me feel like im actually talking to someo
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This is Theoku, my OC I hadn't drawn since 2020
#im thinking about the past and was reminded of her#her design is so fun. i can't believe i havent drawn her in three years despite still using her name everywhere#drawing#digital#theoku#this is kind of a personal drawing? errr#she was my first post on here i think#i'm too depressed to answer asks currently‚ sorry#ill feel better when i come back from school hopefully#oc
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......... who's gonna tell him ... .. ill do it @markiplier
#IM KIDDING ALKJNFGADFBG IM SORRY MARK BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NAMED THIS PLAYLISTTTTTT#actually you know what on the slim to none chance i submit this at Just the right time and it gets a bunch of notes#and he somehow does actually see this post#(hi sappy/backstory tm incoming feel free to continue scrolling lmao>>)#mark you helped my mom so much#she was sick for 5 years and in that time as she got weaker and more tired what she had an abundance of was Time#and as someone who since losing her has now also become extremely depressed i underrstand Even More how horrible that kind of Time can be#to have and go through and be frustrated and devastated and bored out of your mind#but some of my friends started me in watching your videos#and she was my best friend#i shared everything with her#so of course i shared your videos too#and we would watch a lot of them together but you also have so many on your channel from so far back in addition to the new ones#that she had plenty to go back through and watch on her own while i was at school#we always felt like your humor and mentality fit right in with the rest of the household like you were a longtime friend#or neighbor from just down the road who we spoke with regularly or smth idk it was just so easy for your videos to be engaging and upliftin#she could have a playlist on to fall asleep to and be distracted from everything coming up...and that means more#than i could ever begin to thank you for#i think fnaf had been one of the things id been introduced to you through..and then tiny box tim we loved tiny box tim#back when you were first getting into making shorts and improving equipment/editing quality i always thought it would be so cool#if we somehow ran into one another on the street somewhere and i could offer to help#because i was watching those videos too! i want to make them as cool as possible and im going to school for it i know tips and tricks#and by now im sure youve probably surpassed what i know haha the INSANELY awesome and frankly gorgeous cinematography and impressive#but anyway... i know she had those videos to fill the Time when i was at school#and sometimes when i wasnt but when i was too exhausted#and i know you made her laugh and smile through it all#and that means everythingto me#ok well thhat got sappy fast sorry everyone christ#ive thought so many times over the years about trying to write something in the comments on a video or send an email or something and like#i feel bad same time cos i know soooo many people have similar stories or treat youtubers/celebrities like theyre actual saviors and angels
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i got a dartmoor off the bazaar. surprising nobody. because i like to collect things. Lol!.
shes called lady. and shes my life blood right now..no i diodnt cry over this virtual pony okay...i didnt do that....
the seal brown called to me and it told me i need to buy a gen 3 pony and it has to be the dartmoor my favourite pony. next im thinking a clyde.....maybe..... not sure... i want to get hanami (the hollow woods perch) too at some point
#ten is horsing around#? is that my tag i forget#ignore#hay dont get mad at me for posting this game so much okayyy i m just depressed :c#sorry if the horsey language and the horsey words flood my horsey game into the actual real life horsey peoples searches..sorry#you know im really not a fan of how the reins just kind of float when ur in photo mode and hide your player....#oh well!
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.👇
#said it in the tags of the marjan tk carlos doodle I posted but. feeling very unsure about how i will be engaging w ls moving forward#still very much support most of the cast and I do enjoy this silly show#but it’s difficult coming to terms w the fact that their golden boy is a nationalist and zionist#just so unbelievably disappointing and depressing to see#so unless some personal views make some drastic corrections sometime soon im going to be engaging differently than before#i don’t know what that looks like yet. bc i know there are people who still deserve the love#but it’s frustrating to see. i wish it wasn’t the case but if he wants to make this bed he can lay in it and deal w the concequences#i also apologize for wording this kind of vaguely I just don’t know how to be eloquent about it#but for clarity: im genuinely nauseated by the shit ronen has been posting#and I fucking hope he finds his sense but shit dude.#this isn’t about boohoo an actor I liked has bad views#it’s about having a moral fucking backbone and a shred of dignity and critical thought before spreading genocidal propaganda#to your massive audience#so#anyways#i felt like it was important to at least address my position bc silence is not an option with shit like this#and also it’s been making me feel physically unwell since I first saw it and i think I needed to get it off my chest lol#viva palestine. now and forever. no caveats. no ifs ands or buts#iinryer talk#also sorry for making this an all tags post but this isn’t up for discussion. so.
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how to reconcile a lifetime of everyone building you an identity around being “the smart one” with the fact that you’re turning out to be the dysfunctional disappointment of the family
#my 18 year old sibling is an overachiever who’s already experiencing enormous success with their passion#and it genuinely makes me so happy like 99% of the time#but sometimes i can’t help but think about how i was severely depressed at 18 and doing fuckall in comparison#and even though i’m mentally better now im kind of crashing and burning in other ways#both of my siblings (who are younger than me!!) giving my parents more to be proud of than i ever have is just really fucking with me rn#i’m off one of my meds rn and earlier today i considered stopping the other one too just to experiment#but right now is convincing me i should probably keep taking the wellbutrin#anyways#this post is okay to interact with#if u want lmao but idk why anyone would want to#i really try not to make a habit of vent posting on here#sorry this one slipped through the cracks#brewing cider#🪱
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Now I just feel sick to my stomach... like thinking what if I get top surgery and it doesn't fix me? Obviously it's not going to fix me, why would I even think that. It's something I've wanted so badly for so long that I don't know what's going to happen afterwards. I have problems unrelated to this and they aren't going away any time soon.
I just already feel bad, like I don't deserve this. I didn't earn this. I feel like I'm supposed to be happy and excited and satisfied about it/after it... but what if I'm not? I'm not scared that I'm making a mistake or that this isn't something I want- I'm fully certain that is- I'm just scared that there's something inherently broken inside of me. Something that I don't deserve to complain about. Something that I don't deserve to involve other people in.
I feel like I should just be grateful but what if I can't be? Is that justified or am I a bad person? I know that I want this more than I think I've ever wanted any single thing for myself... but what if it isn't even worth it? What if nothing ever is
#sorry depression posting because im kind of freaked out#i dont know how to function like this#its like idk do any of you have anxiety about receiving gifts? well this is really fucking big gift#i dont want to say anything negative about it even if thats me asking for help because what if people think im ungrateful#im so very grateful. but im scared. and i need help#i dont know how to react and im afraid ill react wrong and my girlfriend will regret doing this for me#and theres no way to undo it so then she would just feel resentful about me. especially everytime she sees my chest#that would break my heart. i would awful too#i need this to be okay
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ae. hi. sorry. i know i never post. anyway heres me posting some melodramatic lonely shit. might delete later but ultimately this is my personal blog so i can do what i want
idk how people make friends irl after school has ended. i used to have so many, and now i literally dont speak to any of them. i got cut off completely from everyone in my life bc of covid, and i don't use any social media really besides tiktok and kind of tumblr sometimes so i don't even super have a way of contacting people even if i WAS brave... but it's been almost 4 years now with not seeing anyone so i feel like i shouldnt even bother. im terrified to reach out to anyone despite them once being my closest friends. what if i'm a bother? what if they don't really want to see me? what if they're angry i was too afraid to put in the effort before? my mind tells me everyone i loved never cared for me as much as i did them, because surely if they did they would have thought of me, too- but that's just my mind being cruel to me. i know people just drift apart, this was just instant, is all, i guess. everyone i knew has gone on to have lives while i've practically become a hermit. i used to be so active and would go to cons and visit people and go out and have fun and now i've never been so lonely. it makes me feel so pathetic. i always thought i'd be friends forever- what do i do now that i've got no one?
#sorry. lol. i know its kind of lame to come back after an absense and post something all angsty.#its just late at night right now and i'm in a bit of a depressive dip#so. i didnt really know how else to manage it besides writing my thoughts out.#anyway. i know im lame lol. what is it with autism or whatever the fuck is doing it and making people petrified to talk to people#i cant even make online friends because of it lmaoo. anyway. i might post art again soon. sorry ive been so quiet#thanks for listening if you did. sometimes shouting into the void helps
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one day ill be annoying ab my selfship again . although i enjoy that ppl enjoy my writing most of this is entirely self indulgent, projection, and for me . being so real .
#wispy chatters#i will never write inbox requests ever again ( /j... but only maybe executive dysfunction hits. )#( i dont know what to rlly write or hc w steven anymore and im in that weird kind of clingy to my interp era where like.#nobody seems to characterize steven right and i feel like im the only one but i dont wanna be a dick but most of its self indulgent so#ill keep it to myself. )#also bc i think i like. already put out all of the imporant steven hcs anyways LOL#ALSO also because ive been busy writing and rping selfship stuff w my friend involving steven instead of writing proper. which#preferable. this was mostly a side hobby to explode all of my hcs onto while i was struggling mentally#and had jack shit else to do.#sorry that i ramble a lot. no im not. this is my fucking blog . But yea#ive also been kind of negative or like. able to be interpreted as negative recently. which. yea kind of#lot of things and interpretations i do not fucking like in this fandom esp ab steven i just keep it to myself.#i just dont like fandom in general esp fanon and steven is such a fanonized character. which. yea he doesnt have much to work with#but hes got enough. idk#life goes on and all . maybe ill make a selfship blog... ill probably snag the url and then never use it.#im talking like im quitting the blog . i do that a lot. im not i just always do whatever i like even if i have 500 unanswered asks.#was easier to focus on writing any char i could in my depression era#its a little sad to see writing and hc posts and im like... i could get in on that. people totally think im a dead blog.#but idk what to add all of the main steven stuff has been squoze outta me.#not entirely but i put my full 100% steven into my self indulgent embarassing thoughts.#buuut yea thats kinda whats been. going on w me ig? Not really? fuck if i know
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