#sorry. lol. i know its kind of lame to come back after an absense and post something all angsty.

[ray-kitty]

ae. hi. sorry. i know i never post. anyway heres me posting some melodramatic lonely shit. might delete later but ultimately this is my personal blog so i can do what i want

idk how people make friends irl after school has ended. i used to have so many, and now i literally dont speak to any of them. i got cut off completely from everyone in my life bc of covid, and i don't use any social media really besides tiktok and kind of tumblr sometimes so i don't even super have a way of contacting people even if i WAS brave... but it's been almost 4 years now with not seeing anyone so i feel like i shouldnt even bother. im terrified to reach out to anyone despite them once being my closest friends. what if i'm a bother? what if they don't really want to see me? what if they're angry i was too afraid to put in the effort before? my mind tells me everyone i loved never cared for me as much as i did them, because surely if they did they would have thought of me, too- but that's just my mind being cruel to me. i know people just drift apart, this was just instant, is all, i guess. everyone i knew has gone on to have lives while i've practically become a hermit. i used to be so active and would go to cons and visit people and go out and have fun and now i've never been so lonely. it makes me feel so pathetic. i always thought i'd be friends forever- what do i do now that i've got no one?