#i dont know how to function like this
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Now I just feel sick to my stomach... like thinking what if I get top surgery and it doesn't fix me? Obviously it's not going to fix me, why would I even think that. It's something I've wanted so badly for so long that I don't know what's going to happen afterwards. I have problems unrelated to this and they aren't going away any time soon.
I just already feel bad, like I don't deserve this. I didn't earn this. I feel like I'm supposed to be happy and excited and satisfied about it/after it... but what if I'm not? I'm not scared that I'm making a mistake or that this isn't something I want- I'm fully certain that is- I'm just scared that there's something inherently broken inside of me. Something that I don't deserve to complain about. Something that I don't deserve to involve other people in.
I feel like I should just be grateful but what if I can't be? Is that justified or am I a bad person? I know that I want this more than I think I've ever wanted any single thing for myself... but what if it isn't even worth it? What if nothing ever is
#sorry depression posting because im kind of freaked out#i dont know how to function like this#its like idk do any of you have anxiety about receiving gifts? well this is really fucking big gift#i dont want to say anything negative about it even if thats me asking for help because what if people think im ungrateful#im so very grateful. but im scared. and i need help#i dont know how to react and im afraid ill react wrong and my girlfriend will regret doing this for me#and theres no way to undo it so then she would just feel resentful about me. especially everytime she sees my chest#that would break my heart. i would awful too#i need this to be okay
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i have this sorrow in my heart, this incommensurable grief
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part 4 of a lot funnier in my head than on paper
#before anyone asks its not a series the part 4 is a joke dont go looking#the solver granted me this mental image#definitely not at the right skill level to draw it correctly but i did good enough#nori forgetting her ipod in space and then needing n to launch her into orbit to get it back#yknow now that im actually stopping to think about it v would be the only one of the two in functioning order at this point#or they just waited for n to regen and then forced him to do this#we both know n is fully capable of punting nori into orbit#something something stupid mutt#my hatred for this is growing the more i look at it im gonna finish off the tags#art#murder drones#murder drones n#murder drones nori#murder drones uzi#murder drones flesha#i guess#or#murder drones cyn#serial designation n#one day ill be able to draw n in a way i like#noris text box is supposed to be a rose it did not come out looking like a rose#i dont know how to draw roses help
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sometimes you gotta lure your overly-studious ravenclaw gf into spending time with you 🥰 📚 ( from 'Every Teardrop is a Waterfall' by Kat_12739 on ao3, GO READ IT!!! the first story is about seb falling sick and still pushing himself/not admitting he's sick until he ends up in the hospital, the second story is about the birth of seb and clora's daughter and seb's reaction to clora almost dying in childbirth, and the third is about dealing with a fussy newborn lewis😭🥹THEY'RE SO GOOD AND SWEET AND SOMEWHAT SAD (not to mention beautifully written) so go check it out!!💖💖 )
#READ SO I CAN YAP TO SOMEONE ABOUT THEM🙏😩💘#the seb sickfic made me realize how much i needed barely functioning and sick seb (but him still trying to be tough)#theres also a part that cracked me up bc at one point seb is so sick he cant even see straight but he just thinks to himself:#eh its fine.... ill just ask ominis how HE functions without vision later🤷 LMFAO#so stubborn...JUST LET CLORA TAKE CARE OF YOU MFER🤺🤺🤺#defs gonna be drawing more from it especially sick seb LMAO but also seb having a tea party with celeste🥹🥹#hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow x oc#sebastian sallow x mc#sebastian x mc#hogwarts legacy fanfiction#sebastian sallow fanfiction#hphl#choccyart#also i was never planning on writing anything about clora giving birth or abt the kids so to be able to read it WAS AMAZING#THERES A PART WHERE SEB IS HOLDING CELESTE AND CRYING AT CLORAS BEDSIDE THAT I NEED TO DRAW😭😭#LIKE SRSLY seb being conflicted and not even wanting to HOLD celeste bc he doesnt know if clora is alive or not... IT WAS SO SAD BUT GOOD#i honestly dont know what seb would do if clora died in childbirth tbh.......i could honestly see him resenting celeste#esp since she looks so much like clora😭😭#LETS JUST NOT THINK ABOUT IT!😃👍#(still thinking about it)#like this line in the fic: “Sebastian hesitated; if this was Clora’s last gift to him he wasn’t sure he wanted it.”#😭😭😭ITS SO GOOD UGHHHHH😭 TY AGAIN FOR WRITING THESE💖IM SO TOUCHEDDD💖💖
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I wonder how many times Clark and the batkids + Alfred revived Bruce with the Lazarus Pit and just never told him abt it
#he pieces it together later but i mean. its so hard for him to miss now that hes looking back at it#like why is he always always always cold with a turtleneck on and heating blasting#why is his appetite so scarce? how come his sleep deprived body withstands hours - sometimes DAYS - of patrol#and functions perfectly? how come time passes by but he stays the same? why wont clark and dick stop giving gim#*him looks of loving grief?#why does harley slam her fists on her head when she sees him? ' no no no you're gone. you're GONE. I KNOW you are!'#why does selina smile at him with such heavy pity ' sorry bruce. i don't do ghosts'#bruce wayne#dc#dc comics#batman#batfamily#clark kent#dick grayson#jason todd#bc they def exclude the cloning. they dont want another bruce. they want THEIR bruce. tim#like can you imagine jason getting up in tim's face and just ' if you're not gonna stand by us then stay out of our way'#dark bruce? tired. dark BATKIDS? sign me the FUCK up#batdad#text
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you have $100. due to a squid games type escapade, you are currently trapped in Whole Foods and can't leave or someone will take you out with a bullet to the brain. you have to buy all the food you eat. you can't shoplift it or steal it from the other competitors. a carton of 12 organic eggs costs $10.
your friend Greg has $100. due to a competing squid games franchise, he is trapped in a Costco. he can't leave, or they'll set the dogs on him. he still has to buy all the food he eats. he can buy 36 eggs for $7
which one of you will starve first? are you or Greg functionally "wealthier" within your respective squid game?
#some of the people on this website are so fucking stupid it is unbelievable#sorry to be like “you dont pay rent or have a job” but they obviously do not pay rent or have a job#maybe if i say it in television they will be able to understand#“if you live somewhere things cost more#you functionally have less money“ is so basic an idea i dont know how to dumb it down further for you#i really dont#this is like flunking out of basic story problems-level math you fucking morons#if you live in hawaii $10 is functionally $6 at the grocery store#in alaska its about $4#whats not clicking#wow what a great blocklist honeypot this post is!!!
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North and Simon: (shaking hands on killing Simon potentially)
#detroit become human#north wr400#simon pl600#markus rk200#josh pj500#jericho is just... so funny to me as like. how they function (or dont)#like im v glad that i did a Good Job my first run and no one hated me but i also felt like a very distraught parent#in regards to how markus is just able to either hurt them (by suggestions OF THE OTHERS IN THE GROUP)#or help them because hey what the fuck i just dragged simon to safety and now north wants me to kill him#and then simon like oh no north got shot you should leave her BUT ! i saved her and made simon happy#so its like you know what they have to have some animosity but also respect#i feel like i wanna see more of north and simon being buddies ... and i might have to do that myself#but i also apologize if this is ooc for them because i really did only just play through once and got a not good end#i probably missed a lot of lore and stuff so im v sorry if im Messing Them Up#its currently just me liking their designs and vibes and hoping im not ruining other fans lives by being wrong#and i honestly dont know when north would kill simon but hes on her possible victims list#so since both of their victim lists include themselves for suicide it just reminded me of the meme#with im so mad im gonna (remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health)#and it was like yeah watch north be like im gonna (well if i cant kill myself because markus said no suicide) murder someone
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something about un-roamed paths idk
#good mroning 5 30 am#stayed up because of this and then ninja turtles u know how it is#chonny jash#angelo tag#chat i dont like this very much ToT#i think#hey at least its done!#proud of myself for not making it another abandoned drawing#anyways#i know i absolutely cannot function without sleep and yet here i am#i used to be able to stay up all night what happened#i hear the birds#help#i feel myself slowly losing hp#imagine those minecraft noises when u take damage#auff#wait does steve even make those noises anymore?#like the oof oof sounds#didnt they change that#imma draft this then check hold on#wtf they did how did i forget#nevermind then
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actually in hindsight why did Rick repeatedly have Piper solve all the ghost problems on the Argo II when. Hazel was right there. A daughter of Pluto. who by all logic should be able to control ghosts even a little bit. like, we know she has at least some of those types of powers. she just never gets to actually practically use them. ever. and then when there are zombies Hazel once again. does not get to use her powers about it. what.
#pjo#riordanverse#hazel levesque#does hazel EVER use necromancy powers? besides *maybe* a little bit when working for gaea to raise giants?#though that was pretty explicitly mostly geokinesis#where is hazel's necromancy cmon#but like. ''oh no people are getting possessed. i know! PIPER! FIX THE PROBLEM WITH YOUR CHARMSPEAK''#''rather than oh i dont know HAZEL. THE PERSON WITH GHOST POWERS DIRECTLY NEXT TO ME.''#heck Hazel is very familiar with people being possessed. her mother was for. awhile.#why not just have hazel go ''hm yup. that's possession if i've ever seen it. hold on i've got this'' and then she uses pluto powers#you cant even use the excuse ''oh but she wouldn't know how to-''#she's been hanging out with her brother Nico ''Ghost King'' di Angelo for what. eight? ten months? something like that?#and one of her major things is that she's pretty good at picking things up quickly and has highly honed her powers#you're telling me nico never told her ''btw just in case: if you ever need to exorcise a ghost from someone just idk smack 'em''#like why is the exorcising ghosts piper's job#and why with the zombie apocalypse was it like ''oh no we can't do anything until apollo comes over to help us or whatever''#''if only we had a CENTURION WITH NECROMANCY POWERS. like a CHILD OF PLUTO OR SOMETHING''#''WHOSE BROTHER VERY FAMOUSLY GOT A ZOMBIE AS A BIRTHDAY GIFT''#and its like. yes hazel does ultimately play a significant role in stopping the zombie problem#but functionally COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO HER POWERS?
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okay i typed this in a reply but i need to say this more detailed here too, the way totk dealt with horses (and stables) is bad and worse than botw imo (yes i can rant about that too, these weird choices are in every little spot in totk, its almost impressive)
in a game that lets you build cars and stupid flying maschines, towers that shoot you into the stratosphere AND teleporting points all over the place, the chance is already low that you use a horse- though i would be one of them bc i love horses and hate building and didnt find it fun at all-
(also i almost never used any parts i had with me bc you cant put them back and your dumb vehicles despawn as soon as you dont look at them- also a negative thing about that system that reinforces the feeling of actually using it being more punishing than rewarding with the added bonus of the good ol saving your health potions forever problem)
-and something i DID like was that you can have more horses and the ... one.. new color (the lil spots but only AFTER you do that one quest in the spy post)
the stable points seemed like a neat idea, but like so many things, are utterly cheatable, imo the system should have only given you a point when you visit a new stable, so you actually have to go around and visit them all
(also .. add new stables, like mini ones or sth that dont offer beds- you dont need that anyway- so you have more places in which you can get them ... why did they remove some of them anyway, shouldn there be MORE now that the land is supposedly healing/being repaired? especially the one next to the big canyon, its so empty there it would have the perfect place for sth like a new settlement or a big boss arena but no its more empty than it was before, why?? and then putting yet another repeating annoying quest there in that weirld empty place?? i just dont get it)
letting you farm points by sleeping at a stable or bringing in a horse gives you LESS incentive to actually go around the world bc you can just farm it there
(and if that was done so youd 'discover' the malanya talks to you in your sleep 'secret' ... that is literally told to you, and if its bc you dont want to force players to go around and find every stable to get all those rewards ... why do you have 140 or whatver caves then with the majority of them being the literal same thing over and over ... to make people actually use the sleeping thing there? .. why, who uses that anyway, and farming points by sleeping there .. what the hell does that add? AND THEN the stupid sleep over tickets, probably the most nothign reward ever, dont count?? i dont think i ever used one- it just all doesnt make any sense, everything plays against each other)
the upgrading system for your horse is .. once again, a neat idea horribly executed, you have to go find malanya to upgrade them, and similarly stupidly like the fairies, they only tell you what food you need for what upgrade when you are there .. or when you are sleeping in the special tm bed at a stable, randomly, one food, bc the quantity changes too
which is just so ??????????? let me go and do a quest that rewards you with a lil booklet in which you can look up what an upgrade costs, or let the stables have that, either as a list or in the menu when selecting a horse or something?? (also why the hell is malanya in a different spot anyway, like, it feels like a modder just plopped them over there, their og spot is just empty now - except for yet again a stupid filler quest for .. another big horse and a yaaaaaaaaays crystal shrine quest- ... the spot is even still called spring of the horse god .... its so stupid, just like the fairy shuffling around, like you really couldnt think of a better way to reuse that concept other than to ... move it to a different spot in the same map and map level???? and not change anything in their og spot except idk, put a hole in the map ... for one of them like .. its like they moved them around last minute just to have the semblance of things being 'changed' with no regard what makes a change actually feel like one and what just feels like, pick up thing, click on random spot on map, drop thing- its like that for the fairies and shrines too, its so dumb and .. feels disrepectful to botw and how much thought seemed to have went into these spots that were clearly built about those things)
and like it couldnt get WORSE, they cut off the paths that horses follow automatically with one of those miasma buttholes (sorry its just a hole cut into the map, it doesnt even look like miasma burst through, it just .. cut out) a monster camp (that RESPAWNS, i thought those camps you clear with a quest would stay clear, but that would make sense, so of course it respawns and you can do the frame rate killer quest over and over yippieee) or otherwise like, with a big rock or a broken bridge-
and there is NO WAY to create a new path or fix or move anything in a game ABOUT BUILDING supposedly, like you needed more reasons to never use a horse????? i liked jsut hopping on and letting them follow a path and chill looking at the landscape, you cant do this here, and you cant even excuse it with 'its bc of the theme' as in, stuff is destroyed bc calamity 1.5 or whatever bc nothing in the game makes it feel like theres anything actually at stake, but the real crime is to make it not be fixable. WHY??? link moves entire buildings with ease but cant move one freaking rock that fell into a river?????? you swing around logs like a club but cant fix a bridge so your horse can get over it??????????????????????????????
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#ganondoodles rants#totk critical#i know i know its long#and you may wonder how i can find things to rant about yet#and i swaer im not trying to find thigns to hate#but igven how much it reuses from botw#imporvement or at least meaningful change should be the minimum and they just ......dont .... again#like WHY this is so dumb.................#the more i try to get my feelings into coherent thoughts about this game the more i realize just how rushed it feels#even the detail or side mechanics either dont make sense#or have some sort of way to cheat around way too obviously to be something overlooked#or are poorly integrated#or cheapen antoehr function#like these problems are everywhere#and the longer you look at it the cheaper it looks#even if you love the game and dont mind it or whatever there is NO WAY to justify that price tag#and so wish they were honest about what happend#it cant just all be covid can it? theres so much wrong in every part except for sound and music#and so desperately want to know WHY#........ i just wanted more horse colors- more horse slots- and a lil pasture somewhere where i can see them all frolicking around#i feel like thats not too much to ask
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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I would die for them
#sadigail#red dead redemption 2#abigail roberts#sadie adler#artwork#rdr2#sadie x abigail#im still struggling to draw but now i just sorta blame the heat#i dont know how to function during hot weather like i just sit and melt
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digital art be like
#you would learn some functions that you didnt know existed#ITS EITHER THAT OR LIKE#u want to do this one specific thing but u dont know how to describe it and#scrolling krita forum / reddit / google / artstation EVEN BLOGS FROM WAY OLDER LIKE 8 YEARS AGO doesnt show u that thing u want#its a frustrating but cool journey i guess#this is about discovering i can make gradient brush#im stupid#gummmyspeaks
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#ok but fr marking undergrad essays is such a rollercoaster#i gave two very high marks today and was genuinely impressed and then the next three i marked were practically incoherent#one just copy and pasted their intro instead of writing a conclusion. like it's verbatim the same paragraph#i dont mark down for minor grammar and syntax errors because there's a high rate of ESL students...#... but some of the papers from native english speakers have me more concerned about functional illiteracy than I've ever been#these are 19-20yos in a humanities field at a top university! even the highest scoring essay had basic basic grammar errors and vocab misuse#at least i could tell what the student was trying to say there but some of the others...#if your punctuation and spelling and syntax are all so bad that i literally cant tell what you're trying to say there is a serious problem#even setting aside how many errors like these there were there's the flip side of the issue: actually writing an essay#the last one i marked yesterday had no structure or thesis or secondary sources#everything between the intro and conclusion was the same claim phrased in different ways with some irrelevant non sequitur quotes thrown in#no analysis other than the words 'analysis of this shows' which is *gasp* not a substitute for analysis#OH AND OMG#one made a direct claim about a figure's political stance and attached a footnote. i went to see what the student's source was.#the footnote literally said something like 'i know i should have a source here but it's only context and i don't want to waste my word count#like what???? do you think claims about relevant context don't need evidence??? and the audacity to not give a citation...#... and claim it's because it would take too many words away from your main argument??#just providing the actual citation for the claim would have been 3-5 words max but the footnote about not having room was 30 words#kid do you think i can't tell that you dont have that citation? do you think anyone's buying that you didn't include it to save space?#it's the very first footnote and most of the others are full-length bibliography entries jammed into the footnotes (which we don't require)#so either you were 'worried about space' at the first footnote then changed your mind as you wasted 250 words on unnecessary formatting#or you were over the word limit and were like 'gotta cut something!' and the only footnote you 'simplified for space' was a short basic one#^assuming i believed you. which i dont. because why would you think that would fool anyone.#i still have half the essays left. im tired and so disappointed in how little we're told we should expect from them
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we have three people who’ve been affected by the true hypnosis mic and two of them, nemu and kuukou, have physical items that represent their bonds, kuukou’s matching bandana and nemu’s aohitsugi bracelet
sasara’s the odd man out so i wonder if it’s smoking that represents the mcd bond????? but the fact that sasara’s trying to quit instead of already sober is striking me as strange, like the bandana and bracelet are notably missing but sasara’s is still lingering???? 🤔
#vee queued to fill the void#then there’s the fact sasara receiving his government issued mic and therefore the aforementioned scene wasn’t depicted in the manga 🤔🤔🤔#idk how to explain it lol#at the end of the day all roads lead back to rosho for sasara so i assumed something of rosho’s snapped him out of it#hhhhhhhhhhhhh but the way sasara has tragus piercings and they’re rumoured to relieve headaches#sasara has broken free from the true hypnosis mic but it’d be crazy if he was the one suffering from unforseen side effects#i need the nagosaka or another leaders centric manga to return PLS SHOW ME HOW SASARA AND KUUKOU BROKE FREE FROM THE TRUE HYPNOSIS MIC#like gosh the chuuoku stage showed us how nemu functioned from day to day and she was very cold#and when the hypnosis started weakening was when she was asserting her bond with inori and her bright personality came back#kuukou was going thru some behavioural issues even his father was getting concerned about and lowkey threatened to kick kuukou out#it’s a weird parallel i’m not entirely sure if i should be making bc that would imply kuukou at most until harmonious cooperation#WAS NOT free from the hypnosis given he almost got arrested everyone say thank you jyushi lol#the true hypnosis eventually wears off otome or ichijiku said bc of their strength in mind and so that’s sIDE EFFECTS IT KEEPS COMING BACK#KR!!!!!!!!!!!! ANSWER ME GODDAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT KNOW HOW TO CONNECT THESE PIECES!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLS!!!!!!!!!!!
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sketches for sleight's van, the Magicmobile ^_^
#I had a lot of fun designing this!!!!!#i used the volkswagen kombi van as the base model and drew inspiration from modded cars with high rides#to kinda mimic those old horsedrawn caravan wagons.. i tried to keep functionality in mind so the tire covers on the chassis have#grips for where you would put your feet if you were to get in the drivers seat kinda like those huge freight trucks.. and since the ride#height is a little high theres a pool ladder attached to the back to mimic a caravan and to help ppl get in from the back#also exciting coming up with the stage side door.. i dont know exactly how it would work but i imagine the handle at the top#has to be turned and pulled in order to set up the stage.. and then theres a locking mechanism to keep it in place..??#theres also a stage curtain right behind the door where sleight would come out to do his performance so thats fun!!!#i dont have much to say abt the interior except i forgot to include the ladder which would help reach the skylight#the skylight is a little domed and i riffed that off the kombi camper too but its to contain his butterflies before and after shows ^_^#the hatch is inspired by the net stormdoor at my aunts house.. kinda like chicken wire?? and then there are flowers and pupae#idk if im ever gonna get around to coloring this but im happy finally getting my ideas down and turning it in my head lol#my art#myart#my oc#oc#sleight#concept art#interior#laikas comet oc#fan character#doodles
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