#kill me now I cant stop thinking all of them now
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
Tumblr has a low social media market share in South America.
Text
Malevolent part 48 The Castle notes!!!
hes still got the plague😟
how it feels to have a job interview
new guy new character unlocked💥
COVER YOUR MOUTH MAN
oh??
"speaking of sick, who are you" HAHA
blud will NOT cover his mouth
who r these people!! pls tell me we're gonna have a murder mystery😋
DISGUSTINGGGG😟😟
i think its gonna be a manor murder mystery
witch mentioned🙏🙏🙏
shes just like me fr. the vibe i bring to the function
maybe we can bond over being blind
we r not making any friends here
ARTHUR STOP COUGHING
i have no idea whats going on
ummmm the cracks??🤕
someones coming :3
HAHA ITS A CULT MEETING FUNNY AS HELL
"whatever you See is necessary" ok😐
so who's gonna die first
nightmare blunt rotation
BLACK STONE MENTIONED☝️💥
ORDER OF THE FALLEN STAR MENTIONEDDD🗣️🗣️ we're so back
i cant believe arthur's in a cult now
RIGHT the ring😬
no gift means no dinner and a hundred hours in the prison pits
we already fucked up HAHA
we're so cooked💀
does this guy have a crush on arthur
HAHA "praying" oscar 2.0
Which God is crazyyy
"the almighty god" laughs nervously
NONE🗣️ OKAYYYY
"heathen" HAHA fucked up
"sleep with one eye open" like thats gonna do anything
LIGHTERRR💥💥💥
arthurs not gonna make it through the night i fear
i can't tell these people apart yet
king in yellow shubniggurath mentioned
"shub" TEEHEE NICKNAMES
OMG IT IS A MURDER MYSTERY🥳🥳
I WAS RIGHT!!!!!💥💥💥
"MURDER👺"
"we need to touch that body" ok. freak
"whats all this then🤓☝️"
throat slit from behind😟 yuck
harlans french accent is so funny
YAAA the ringggg
we could kill someone and frame this guy by leaving the ring at the scene
NOOOO oh nooo
arthurs detective arc
john does NOT want to touch this body
"our chest" TEEHEHEE
the sexual tension between them
idk whats going on fr
"large wooden cross"christianity mentioned
😟 oh hes dead 🤕💔
slit throat again???
"i do not🤓"
"shes doing an awful job" HAHA
HAHA WHAT hes roasting all of them
hes starting sm drama
HAHA HES GETTING BEAT UP
hes tryna touch the body non chalantly
HAHA no way
cover your mouth!!!😩 oh my god
"do you believe ur a decent man" ah😬
not the dog motif again
ummm
UHHH😬☹️
i like when people preach about how incomprehensible these gods are while arthurs having toxic yuri with one of them
god. damn
"barnabas was not with me" OKAYYY
thats it???
ok so its basically Dont Get Murdered
#malevolent#malevolent podcast#arthur lester#john doe#john doe malevolent#malevolentpod#malevolent38#arthur lester malevolent#malevolent spoilers
19 notes
·
View notes
Text
sometimes you nap on your lunch break and dream about all your painful failed relationships from the past two years
#unimportant thoughts#ughhhh#kill me now I cant stop thinking all of them now#sometimes it feels like im a bundle of hurt pretending to be a person!#whatever#delete later#melodramatic
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
25 notes
·
View notes
Text
who made the mtt. and no i dont mean like who made the CONCEPT of the murder time trio (because i know who that is. touken kamui i thank you for the fangame every day :3) but like,,,, who decided to just randomly pair these 3 together?? like whaaaat.......
part of me wants to believe it was rahafwabas with the whole bad sanses group thingy being made with those 3 in there and then like. the fangame just gave them specifically a seperate group name. but STILL,,,,, where did this trio come from
#so rain of dust got a reboot a couple of months ago and now triple the insanity did too#and my newest favorite detail in the video is that theres a section where dust and killer's sprites are#glitching out. wanna know why??? BECAUSE HORROR GOT DELETED MTT BETTA THEY ALWAYS TOGETHER#insanity is just a horror replacement i fear i dont understand at all why he's even in the trio#WHY IS IT A TRIO. IF THERE'S A SUPPOSED FOURTH. THATS A SQUAD BRO#istg he was just added there for like shock factor or smth bc horror wasn't powerful enough to keep up#it saddens me so much to have him here but also that means it saddens kist as well :3#and killer and dust's sprites are red while insanity's is purple#YOU WILL NEVER BE HIM INSANITY!!!! YOU WILL NEVER BE HORROR I FEAR#idc what anyone says idc how many people shit on the mtt fangsme concept i LOVE IT#its like one of the few mtt content i get that doesnt involve nightmare#like. ok. bad sanses cool. i however could not give two shits about the oil monstrosity and cross#please i need my own little seperate island to myself where only i get to enjoy the mtt reboot songs#cycle of endless death against a common foe. they HAVE to learn how to work together no matter what#its not like they can just give up (looking at you horror) because the human will keep on killing again and again#waaait waaaaait in an mtt fangame dynamic horror would also experience the genocides :3 awww shared truama :3#isnt it so badass that horror literally had to get DELETED because he couldnt die and therefore the human got mad#ok fine maybe im glad theres at least a reason my boy got removed from the trio but still#the human can kill dust and killer as many times as they want. the other two will keep trying to stop them bc of dt#but horror CANT die. theres no fun in that. and one day he'll just give up. that's not amusing at all#i find it nice. a cute little parallel between the 3 :3 now horror gets his own personal genocidal human experience#man the mtt fangame human is smart asf like. DAMN. i forgot bro could just erase the trio#anyways i think that it's a good concept IDC. why are they stuck in the endless loop of human kill human reset? idk lemme check#i forgot that gaster was involved in this fuckass au LMAO but at least he's not THAT involved. more like a background character#the satsujinki was created only for murder. does it have any other thoughts? any other wants and needs? i love it so much my baby#and then the phase after that just consists of my trio emptily operating off the faintest instincts they have#after all this time spent together fighting do they not instinctually long for eachother?#me imagining these empty husks to hold hands and hug. as if theyd only truly be able to coexist peacefully with their minds lost#but at least theyre together. at least theyre always together forever :3 even if they don't know anything else#tricule rant
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Idk why I'm thinking ab this today but you know what really fucking bothers me? When people foster dogs and give them table food. Maybe their new owners don't want them wating table food? Maybe they don't want their dog to beg for food?
You're just being a dick bc "ohh but he likes it!!" But that's not your dog... Like sure maybe their new home won't mind that and will think it's cute but to me that feels like giving a toddler pepsi every day bc "they like it!" And then being shocked that their prospective new family DON'T want them drinking pepsi (at least as a child).
You're just loading them up on this dopamine rewarding habit and then they're not gonna understand why their new family DON'T let them have the yummy food when the LAST person did! Oh I must have to beg MORE.
And you're like pre-loading them with bad behavior 😑 I just I dont get it
#marquilla#idk i think what brought this up was bc DogCousin had said yesterday she ordered a burger and tacos and my mom was like wow thats a lot#and she goes 'well half is for the dogs.' like mind you she is always fostering at least 2 dogs at a time. and has 3 overweight chihuahuas#every fucking meal she gives them half. it's so fucking gross to me... like yeah we give the cats table food SOMETIMES but it's usually only#chicken/Turkey in small bits at holidays or tiny bits of ham. we used to give our one cat small bits of bread when we made stuffing#but they were never rewarded for begging they always had to WAIT. and like everything was always non-harmful to cats#she'll give them shit made with onions and garlic but oh it's fine!! its such a tiny amount!!#and when we got our last dog when we went to pick him up his Foster was giving him like a whole roast beef sandwich!#bitch!!! i dont want him eating that shit?? now he's gonna fucking beg! and he was a husky and my God did he beg it was insane#idk i mean if you wanna kill your own dogs faster by feeding them people food all the time i cant make you stop#but for the love of fucking god stop giving foster dogs/dogs that arent yours people food unless the owners say its fine!!
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
Just said "sheesh, Kenna, you're the smartest person I know" out loud while reading your tags on the FMA Truth and Ed's atheism post. Then I realized that Indiana probably doesn't care as much for this information as you might lolol
honestly i'd originally written a really annoying ramble about gods in fiction under that post and now i'm so glad i deleted it to write that much more succinct breakdown of my thoughts on the matter
#I have such a ramble I could go on in every single direction of this topic because this is the stuff i think long and hard about#but im not even sure which part of my tags impressed you lmao#i feel like im just constantly shouting 'theres nuance!' about an issue which has#in fact truly deeply caused a lot of pain and hurt in the world! so like of course people dont want to see the nuance!#and they dont need to! thats a thing for me to have fun thinking deeply about - if its a cause of strife dont even worry about it!#i am actively working on a story right now where the 'gods' are knowingly lying and manipulating the mortal population#but like. they can't not. because they're not 'gods' as is all-knowing all-powerful supposed-to-reward-the-good-punish-the-bad#i think because thats a kind of god referred to in stories that im disinterested in. its boring and also comes with so much baggage#im way more interested in 'gods' as in creators. and thats it. i made this planet but thats all i can do. i cant fix it#or i made this ocean. i cant stop you from drowning in it i can just make ocean#and i'd never thought of it in terms of the laws of physics but like YEAH ACTUALLY. gravity as a god. i pull things together#you NEED to fight it sometimes! it kills you and it keeps you alive and there's no morality to it!#im also interested in gods as like. alien consciousnesses. like if there was a guy out there and he gave you life but#if you looked at him he would blind you and if you touched him he'd vaporize you#like just take all the physics and reality of the sun and put it in a person-shape and give it a voice#like again theres no morality to the sun! but once we personify things like that we start putting morality and baggage on them!#anyway im rambling lmao i could go on for hours. i just loved the idea of Truth as god just like Gravity as god
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
That fuckin new bucket list trailer for 8?????????
hey what if we all just cut ourselves in half after this huh
#snap chats#OH MY GOD WIFE DATE REAL ????#'the first time i pay my respects' and it just so happens yall show up together...... just tell me theyre married already..#sorry guys im delulu about the marital status of date and kiryu like.... wife...#bUT MORE IMPORTANTLY SURVIVE REUNION SCENE REAAAAAL WHAT IF WE ALL KILLED OURSELVES#i love how akiyama.#its genuinely so funny how this whole time everyone @ akiyama like 'kiryus dead you have to move on'#and he Rightfully So is just Nuh Uh <3 like can someone tell my guy he was right#I Repeat absolutely no one who knows kiryu ever believed he was really dead cmon now..#OK BUT WAIT SPEAKING OF BEING DELULU POCKET CIRCUIT FIGHTER PLOT SIGNIFICANCE REAL ? MAYBE ?#idc im just glad..... photo....... i also think kiryu and PCF are married btw#lovers in another timeline... if fate didnt pull them apart theyd be forever <- if kiryu committed to stop being apart of the yakuza#LET ME SEE GRANDPA PCF NEOW#sorry this was the cutest trailer. and by Cutest Trailer im going to fucking throw up WAHHH#i cant ignore the fact i had to listen to goofy's eng va deliver the fuckin uhhhhh what the word NARRATION. YEAH.#there's a kingdom hearts joke here so imagine i made it but anyway. thank you for drawing this to my attention#im going to go eat shit and die
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
I have a longing to be understood more than anything else i think
#someone very recently acknowledged something that usually goes unseen and it wasn't even that great of an acknowledgement but ive just been#staring at the messages every once in a while. its great. not really i sort of feel like a real weirdo#im very lonely. i cant say why but let it be known that i am very lonely#ok i have a question to those who lie their eyes upon this post: tell me what you know about me please?#so much lies in my social perception and i am just. not being perceived. at all. darn#i have a lot to cry about but morally i dont think i should-- specifics would mean being mean to the people i love#talking to anyone anymore just makes me feel horrible. doing anything anymore makes me feel horrible..tmbg has my back though ill live for#another.week or a few. and then my birthday will happen and rhen um#.Well. it sucks that sucks man. i dont want to disclose my age but to elaborate on why ACTUALLY HOLD ON#the thing i am about to say is not true; it is a metaphorical thing: it is my 21st birthday soon.#i decided that i wouldnt live past this age around 5 years ago and the only reason ive lived five years is being killed this year. i dont#think every thing ive been desperately clinging on to for the past 2 (?) years can keep me alive past then..i think im going to die. i have#to#NO MORE BEING A DOWNER#fox (vulpes vulpes) on the Internet for the first time#okay maybe a little more..i dont know who im talking to in this post. my friends do not read my tumblr and. i dont know anyone else.really.#uh#I'm listen to tmbg right now i love them#hey reader; i can only think of 3 people who see enough about me to check my blog. so i have separate questions for the each of you.#one of you likes (liked? school came in and i couldnt see your blog much past then; idk if its changed) tmbg. what do you think of The Else?#and uh you there... the guyyy. Google john flansburgh..i dont have a reason to this one ive just not been able to stop thinking about askin#you what you think of him.#um third person..... um#okay theres nothing iecan ask. i do want to apologize to you though: im sorry.#iThis is bullshit#im gonna delete this soon#Um also sorry if my wording here is. really wack. i tend to do that#i dont think anyones going to see this as is always#i think i just like talking to the hypothetical beast. yeah
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i personally think it would've been really funny if angel blades didn't work on human beings
#idk some testament to god's love for humanity#''my children cannot harm my most beautiful creation'' or wtv#metatron tries to stab dean and it's like that scene from knives out#u know when ransom tries to kill marta#also something about cas never wanting to hurt dean and his blade being able to reflect that#my blade is only for dean never against him#cas giving his blade to dean cut me up as you please#which isn't to say angels cant kill ppl i mean we all seen them use their powers on humans#i just think it'd be cool and maybe a little funny#but yeah dean giving cas the first blade = cas handing off his angel blade to dean#i trust you and only you with this. nothing is stopping you from using it against me but i trust that you won't#idk man smth about it#OH. also. proof that even former angels are still decidedly ANGELS. even without powers#i've always hated the whole ''oh i'm human now that my grace is gone'' u cannot just. turn into a human being. ur a different species#cas is still an angel. CAS GETS STABBED BY APRIL AND DEAN IS SCRAMBLING ''WHY IS HE DYING HE'S HUMAN NOW''#cas will never be human ever and that's on god...#he will always be Other. i love that. it also makes former angels MORE vulnerable than regular humans. so crazy#cee speaks
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
So tired of continuesly feeling this way I keep trying and failing time and time and time again
#i dont want to feel a profound sadness anytime anyone (especially someone i know) expresses being grateful about their group of friends#i dont want to feel this way every time i find out about them being at a social gathering or whatever together#i feel so awful so so awfully patheticly lonely i feel so stupid and i feel so horrible when admitting it#and i fall into deep worry about my situation never changing bc everyone i know has a network of friends from childhood or school#and pretty much no one from my childhood or school stayed in my life i feel so scared of my future how will i live a life this way#anytime i come across a post talking about long time friends i cannot stomach reading it#it's all so debilitating and i dont know how much longer i can keep on ranting like this#i moved countries i hoped things would change i approached people i talked i asked to hang out three years later i'm left with two#(used to be three but she seems to not care about me at all) seperate friends i'm so grateful for both#but it doesnt work out. it doesnt work this way. i cannot socialize with them since theyre not muslim n we have very different life styles#so i tried finding muslim friends i got associated with the muslim students association went to gatherings joined the book club#i met very lovely girls but nothing more came out of it#i remember the first time i took part in something it was two years ago i talked with a group#it was a group who already were friends and one girl who also had just met them#a year later i find out theyve all become friends and hang out. vallahi i dont know what it is i'm doing wrong i'm so tired and so desperate#it kills me. it's so scary to not have a social network not have friends to lean on to call when youre in need it's so isolating#i've lived my teen years this way i'm continuing to live my 20s this way and cant stop but think it has to do with me#anyways enough of that now bye#nesi rants
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
#ok guess what fuckers youre going to be on another tag ramble adventure with me#ive been afflicted with the same images in my brain tumbling around and the only way to free my brain is to write them out#and anyways i have been contemplating wol au uri for a bit due to various reasons (he came up and then i got this image and couldnt be free#shb with uri as the wol is. after killing vauthry. he is SO fucked up that raha STILL wont just let him die#he was supposed to have raha send him to the rift with the light and let him die there but now that he cant stop him rahas taking it himsel#and theres the whole. 'no we really cannot have the wol die.' thing.#that makes it infinitely worse to uri. him just yelling through blood to let him die! let him have his turn! he WANTS to die!#the idea of bring told that the wol CANT die makes it so much more unfair to him#'you wouldnt know what to do if i died? i didnt know what to do for years after louisoux died! i still dont know what to do without moenbry#da! papalymo can sacrifice himself and everyone adapts! shtola has thrown herself to the lifestream twice! minfilia died! i had to stay sil#ent and let ryne choose her own path if she died or not! i cant tell people that i would be lost yet everyone gets to tell ME that?#do you think i am better than them do you think them worth less why do they have the right to die and i do not!'#he is SO SO SO much worse as a wol and it falls out in one outburst after hes quizzed as to why he thought he could sacrifice himself#but he also realizes that its really fucked up to say that aloud so yknow. yknow what. yknow.#hell bottle up all his feelings and then one day hell either die or start crying and it looks like he aint allowed to die!#he still takes the aid from ardbert at amaurot with the statement that#'if i dont try and save who i might then ill never be able to face moenbryda'#anyways cannot stop thinking about me giving uri the echo like 'this will be funny!' and hes just 'my life has become infinitely worse'#HEAD IN MY HANDS
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'll need everyone to shut up and stop breathing real quick before I lose it and start killing
PLEASE
#my mother and her actions are really testing me today#whyaretherepeopleinthehouse whyaretherepeopleinthehousewhyaretherepeopleinthehousewhyaretherepeopleinthehousewhyaretherepeopleinthehousewhy#not p qost#i am losing my mind#i almost had a full ass meltdown before because she fucking showed up with visits#unannounced#and when i tried to flee because i felt my brain literally start to fucking melt#she got all annoying about me clearing the dishes from the sink#which would already be clean if she hadn't put the fucking dishwasher on at fucking 11 am (which lasts until 3 pm)#so instead of fleeing i had to stop myself from going into a rage and breathing normally and not cry as i put away the dishwasher#all while one of our family friends kept talking to me#WHICH THANKS REALLY HELPED MY ALREADY ON EMERGENCY PROTOCOL BRAIN#AND NOW THEY ARE BACK#i was thinking of getting food because im hungry#but cant now :)#and i hear them fucking talking at the fucking tv which is always to fucking loud#im ready to start killing#vent post
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#im so stressed out im so tired ive done nothing and i need to start writing the essays#i have 3 to do plus there are like 6 exams most of which have a lot shit to remember plus im having a psychology short test#and the results of another short test next week and i need to start this economy assignment#and im late almost two weeks with a russian assignment and i want to cry#my meds arent working so im a mess and i stopped taking them bc they give me nightmares but now im having withdrawal and my heart is being#weird and i want to cry i need to kill myself i need to call my doctor#and maybe ask her abt that thing that makes you not have to take all your exams if youre mentally ill#but i feel bad asking for it like its not like im really sick and it feels like im just constantly lying#and she already signed the crap that makes me not have to go to pe thankfully#so i cant go and ask her abt this too like whatever worst case i fail everything and rip my guts out and die#i dont remember when i showered last time and im just so stressed out and i cant do anything productive#i havent been drawing or learning or revising or even doing my reading#speaking of which i have like 300 pages for next week maybe more and i cant take this anymore i need to die#also i think my parents would get mad at me if i said i cant wrote all my exams#bc whatever im not really sick im just lazy and annoying and a bad person and i wish i could get hit by a car so bad i need my head to be#crushed and my brain to get wplattered across the street#also im so gross and sweaty i hate myself sm and i feel so guilty over everything all the time#and them i go to therapy and i cant talk abt anything bc i hate talking abt my feelings its gross and i dont deserve it#i wish there was easy access to guns here suicide would be so easy jesus#and im having insane mood swings again i need to get off social media even tumblr it just makes me feel like shit abt myself#tw suicide mention
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
and the dumbest part is like. i dont think long hair is feminine at all. Literally growing up my dad had the longest hair out of my entire family (i think him and my sibling r tied now). so long hair isnt a Feminine trait to me UNLESS ids nyself if its on me its feminine but i dont WANT it to be i want people to see me and think Oh a guy with long hair but they dont think think oh a girl. but im not a girl even though i Am judt not like that.....ugh
#im blowing things up with my mind#I DONT FUCKING WANT SHORT HAIR but also if ppl dont stop perceiving me as a woman im Gonna kill myself#why cant everybody just fucking get it.yk#i hve a deep voice i rly do i dont think my voice is super feminine but i feel like nobody else recognizes it and its like. ok ive been on#t for almost 2 years is it just never gonna change? i thought i was passing i thought it was working but now i dont know bc Nobody like#recognizes me as a guy hnless i tell them#snd my um. semiex friends will be like omggg yr voice is so masc now !!! which is awesome but also r they just saying that in comparison to#my old voice#like. was it all a mistake maybe i shouldnt have gone on t bc its like. doing the things i wanted but other ppl arenr recognizing it#and its doing shit i didnt want that i. whatever#whatever. bssicslly fuck my life i hate being trans sometimes#ik thats like. not fun and were all supposed to be rly happy being trans and im rly glad ppl can be happy being trans and i usually am#and i dont wanna be cis but i. gd. i dont fucking know man#whateverrr
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i do need 2 work on rewiring my brain so that my immediate very first thought whenever i dont do a small task (like brushing ny teeth taking a shower picking up my room etc) isnt 'We Should Kill Connor ." this would be pretty good for me to do. putting this on the list
#its difficult. i used to be rly good abt not doing kms type jokes bc i did when i was younger and then i stopped bc of um . stuff#nd i think it rly was good for me nd then ykw started making them a LOT and now i do them constantly and ik itis bad for me like. as a guy#whos been suicidal since i was 7. yk. ik itisnt good for me but its hard#idk. i need 2 try 2 stop making them again. like idt ppl who make them r evil I personally dont tend to use them very seriously#it rly is judt a like. Ugh something annoying happened i should kms. but like. witht he we should kill connor joke its Less and less a joke#and more just feeding into ummmmm. the bad parts of my thing that i have to be vague abt so ppl dont worry.#Im not planning anything its not that. its just a belief i have that is ummm concerning to many but very comforting to me and keeps me sane#but i dont like 2 talk abt it . bc ppl tend to get worried its rly not anything that bad its judt likeee. I know that thing is true and#there isnt anything i can do to stop it from happening so i made peace with it ages ago and its comforting that i dont have 2 like. worry#abt whatll happen bc ik whatll happen#sry im being vague ive like. i think ive mentioned it a couple times and ppl get very concerned (my old psych literally told me verbatim#That sounds so terrifying.) and likeee. there have been times its scared me a lot like i can remember a few times i woke up having a panic#attack bc i didnt want to do it but i know thats whatll happen and its fine. but it wont be any time soon#it keeps me from doing anything honestly bc like. why rush FJFNFJNFNik itll happen eventually no matter what i do so even when it gets bad#enough i think abt it im like. yk. it helps. i kind of lost a bit of vagueness. please dont worry abt it fr like. it keeps me sane it keeps#me calm. but anyways i say all this to sayyyy that like. idk it might be a while b4 i commit to trying to stop making jokes like that just#bc like. i have a lot of other stuff abt me i need 2 fix first but i think it would probably be good for me if i stopped. sigh. which suck#bc like its been said time and time again that like. Im going to kms is just like. it encapsulates feelings very well there r like no other#exclamations that fit. aside from the like. Krill my shellfish type things but thats the reason i slipped back into just saying kms in rhe#first place so. UGH. and theres so many fucking stupid tjmblr ones. like no im not going to sub Kys for Go step on a lego >_< bc like... im#not 1. 5 or 2. 27. the 2 ages i think ppl would say shit like that.#sry my vendetta against 27 year olds is neverending idk i just dont like whatever happens to tumblr users of dhat age. ive mentioned it#several times inwont go into it and im probably near out of tags anyway#ive got 7 more spend em wisely one supposes. idk. its just difficult. ik its judt words and shit and im sure i cn come up with good#alternatives. theres judt like not any rhat r like the same vibe without also reinforcing My stuff in an unhealthy way. idk. idkk#like not that making kms jokes is gonna make me do it anytime soon but like yk . ik i cant blame my self loathing spike on this alone#bc ive like. Beeeeeeeen going through some stuff thats contributing way more#but i do think before i started making these jokes again my self loathing and like. rhe amt of time i thought abt it was less . idk#sui ment#<- jic i tried not to be like. too much. but you know
0 notes
Text
.
#genuinely though i think i need to try and get (back) on medication for my chronic pain#the only reaso. i didnt when it was offered is bc the trwatment they wnated to use involved and ssri and i cant be#on an ssri without being on a mood stabilizer unless we want me to go into a mania#and the last time i was on a mood stabilizer i lost 15% of my body weight bc of how sick it made me and my gastrointestinal tract still#hasnt recovered from that even though its been 7 years atleast at this point#and 15% of your body mass is alot to fucking lose when you only weigh 112 pounds in the first place#ive also STILL not gained that weight back btw#i only weigh like 105#i feel like i look like a fucking victorian waif who needs to be sent to the seaside for their health#but atleast i dont weight 98 pounds anymore bc that was really scary actually#also and the main point of this all is that if i dont do something im going A flunk out of grad school and B possibly killmyself#bc my mental health is actially so bad right now. my suicidal ideation is the worst its been since my early 20s#lile there is a part of my brain that actively wants to die bc then everything would stop hurting and bc im so tired and i just want to rest#but also i dont want to die actually im just tired and afraid#but my brain is trying to kill me#and ive had the strong urge to start self harming again after being clean of it again since my early 20s#like ive caught myself ruminating on it on how much i want it#both selfharm and death and thats so fucking scary bc ive fought so hard to not do either of those things#ive been clean of self harm since i was 21 thats 7 years and the last time i caught myself actively thinking about sucide or selfharm#was in 2020 during covid lockdown bc i was fucking trapped in a house with my ex who didnt give a shit about my psychosis or its triggers#or even my life apparently bc i begged him to lock up his guns during one of the worst episodes i had during lockdown bc my brain was#telling me to kill myself and he didnt just moved them to a shelf kinda out of the way but still easily accessible
0 notes