#kaz brekker needs therapy

[bytaylorswift]

an unwilling shadow.

pairing: inej ghafa x fem!reader summary: when dirtyhands’ most trusted spider returns to ketterdam, his new informant seeks to size up her predecessor. word count: 1.06k

y/n’s always been very aware of the standard she has to live up to.

kaz brekker didn’t seem to trust a person more than he trusted inej ghafa. his wraith, his spider, his friend.

but now the girl's away at sea, freeing indentures and being a hero, kaz brekker needs a new informant.

kaz never called y/n his spider. it was something she felt grateful for, but it didn’t stop others from doing so. and as much as y/n - and kaz - tried to ignore it, the impact of the words still seeped into the roof she perched on, the crates she hovered behind, the windowsills she scaled.

and the pressure was getting to her.

y/n had slit one too many throats. scraped one too many injuries. missed one too many messages. all thanks to her getting in her own head about inej ghafa.

and so, when her inside man from fifth harbor informed her that a young suli woman, small and silent, was to arrive in ketterdam that morning, y/n knew this was her chance to scope out inej.

she did not realise inej was going to be the most beautiful woman she had ever seen.

y/n almost bailed right there and then, from where she lingered in the shadows at fifth harbour, too stunned to move. and then inej began to slip through the crowds and she remembered why she had come in the first place.

she tailed the girl through a number of alleyways, learning her pacing, the moments at which she'd speed up or slow down or melt away into the shadows.

and when she had begun to learn inej's pattern, she allowed herself to seep into the open. y/n timed the moments right; the flash of her jacket showing when inej's eyes darted to the left, scuffing her shoes when she paused to listen for followers, crossing wide around corners and matching every change in inej's pace.

and so when y/n followed inej around yet another corner and the girl was nowhere in sight, she knew her plan had worked perfectly. she stopped dead still in the middle of the alleyway, fighting away a smile and dragging her eyes across the rooftops to try and glimpse the wraith.

knives were unsheathed from behind her and y/n whipped around to find inej stood directly in front of her. she had no idea how she managed that.

y/n felt something in her chest flutter as their eyes met. and then inej’s gaze sharpened.

“you’ve been following me.”

y/n bowed her head forwards ever so slightly, holding her hands up in surrender.

“you caught me.”

y/n couldn’t help but hide a smile at the glint of triumph in inej’s steady gaze. inej straightened up and as her long dark hair fell over her shoulder, y/n felt the same fluttering in her chest.

“here’s a tip: if you want to follow someone without being caught, you need to-” inej trailed off as a smirk slipped onto y/n’s lips.

inej’s shoulders slumped slightly but she maintained the hard look in her eyes. “you wanted me to notice you.” she realised aloud.

y/n shrugged a little. “maybe i wanted to meet your pretty face.”

“i wish i could say the same.”

inej's eyes widened as she realised what had slipped from her mouth. she hadn’t meant the girl didn’t have a pretty face too, simply that she wasn’t intending on any spontaneous meetings on her trip to ketterdam. but the damage was already done.

“you’ve a mean tongue, inej.” y/n winced.

“what business?” she demanded, willing away the warmth in her cheeks.

"no business, just curiosity." inej's eyes narrowed at that, but y/n continued. "your reputation precedes you."

"what's that supposed to mean?"

"it means i'm your-"

“-inej,” a rough voice cut the air, and y/n had to force back a sigh at her boss's timing. “i see you’ve met my new informant.”

inej’s eyebrows shot up, barely, the only sign she was surprised at that information. but y/n was watching her so closely she could see every morsel of expression in her face.

kaz's cane hit the ground as he settled a few feet away. neither one had heard him approaching. although, y/n wondered if she hadn't heard him because she was simply distracted by inej.

“i have.” she replied, matter of factly, in such an endearing way that y/n couldn’t bring herself to be mad.

"this is y/n." he introduced, tilting his head to indicate the girl.

"that's why you were following me, y/n?" y/n thought her name sounded like honey on inej's lips. "were you sending someone to spy on me, kaz?"

"always good to know what you're matching up to." y/n answered before kaz could, with a shrug. "no spying. well, none beyond the spying i did do."

inej's expression gave nothing away. kaz's eyes narrowed at her then, and she felt the urge to shrink away, knowing what was to come next.

"y/n, my dear, when were you going to tell me inej had arrived?"

"i was just on my way to the crow club." she chimed back, not convincing herself let alone kaz, but he surprisingly let it slide.

"we should get back to the club. we have business awaiting."

inej bowed her head to him, then looked to y/n. a flicker of delight and amusement crossed her face as she tilted her head to y/n too and then turned away into the shadows to head to the crow club.

the quiet creaking of a drainpipe - only heard due to the deafening silence between dirtyhands and his informant - indicated that inej had turned to the rooftops for the remainder of the journey to the crow club.

neither y/n or kaz moved nor said a word. and then, when y/n felt like enough time had passed for her to continue after inej, her boss's voice sounded out.

"y/n."

there was an unfamiliar tone in kaz's voice that jolted y/n. it almost sounded like genuine, friendly amusement.

"were you flirting with my wraith?"

there it was again. the genuine, friendly amusement.

kaz was biting back a laugh as y/n's face flushed violently red and she craned her head up to look at the rooftops to see if the other girl was still hiding away in the shadows.

"kaz brekker."

"yes, y/n?"

"i am going to murder you."

a/n: okay so originally i thought this was really cute but now i’m starting to think it’s not. let me know what you think! all i know is inej is the love of my life and she deserves far more love than she gets on here.

[six-of-cringe]

Something that is sad but also that I hugely appreciate about CK is that by the end, most of the systems that harmed the crows are still in place, but their relationships with themselves have grown and changed. I find this particularly interesting in the cases of Jesper and Wylan (shocking I know). Their identities still put them in danger of being exploited or harmed - Grisha indentures are still the norm in Kerch, and the auction scene made it very clear that if the Council knew Wylan's illiteracy was true, they would treat him much the same as his father did due to the culture surrounding productivity and ability. This might seem disheartening, but the hope lies in the shift in how these characters see themselves and their role in the world. By the end of the book, Jesper and Wylan are beginning to put away their internalized shame surrounding their identities. They may still have to hide who they are from the world to survive, but they're no longer hiding it from themselves - their true selves are no longer this crushing burden they have to turn away from to function. A general theme of the series is how, in accepting who they are and what has happened to them on a personal level, the crows place themselves in positions to make change on a systemic level - Inej and her ship, Nina and her mission, Kaz and his Barrel empire, Wylan and Jesper with their political, high-society empire. None of them are all the way there yet by the end - they're still healing, and both the loss of Matthias and the weight of those oppressive systems are going to weigh on them for a long time - but we get to see the very beginnings of that process. I'm going to bite someone.

[neptune-scythe]

y'all ever think about how Kaz being alive on the reapers barge and screaming for help that went unheard is a metaphor for ones inner child buried amidst the corpses of the person one used to be?

now you have

you're welcome

[fanaddicted2000]

Kaz braids Inej’s hair. It’s a fact.

It's both their way of shredding part of their armor and meeting in the middle.

I imagine Inej sitting on Kaz's desk as he finishes the day's paperwork, rebraiding her hair. Her eyelids are heavy and her fingers lack their usual grace, she doesn't even tease him when he stares at her. Maybe it's the faint scent of the sea on her, maybe it's the way the light of the setting sun dances on her skin, maybe he's just feeling brave that day, but Kaz takes off his gloves. May I? he asks as he reaches for her, palms up and slowly. Inej blinks a few times, surprised but not frightened, not hesitant per se... thoughtful. After a moment, she nods and Kaz breathes deeply. She follows his hands as he touches her hair, gently unraveling the loose plait to start again. He combs her hair briefly before parting it, his fingers moving with confidence. Focused, he watches her closely for any sign of discomfort, and she watches him in return, anchoring herself in the moment by the softness of his gaze upon her before her eyes flicker shut with a deep sigh. How did you learn? she asks, and his answer rolls off his tongue before his brain can filter it. I watched you. He had seen her do it a hundred times, memorized it since the second time. Inej blushes and he clears his throat, Who would have thought that these lockpicking hands could be used for something else? he snorts bitterly, but I did, she says quietly, and if he blushes, no one has to know.

[thedesertpenguin]

I’m very normal about “if you die we don’t get paid”. Very normal.

[erde-an-sckripta]

Can we please talk about that moment in s&b s1e8 when Zoya announced she had to go back to Novokribirsk to look for whats left Kaz litterally says

"It's dangerous to go looking for the dead. What you see may haunt you for the rest of your days."

I am 99% sure he thinks about that night in the boat and Jordie and his own traumatic experience because it still haunts him that's literally why he is wearing gloves and Inej just looks at him as if she knew he's also talking about himself, she just doesn't know the exact events and cirrcumstances yet and I won't be conviced otherwise

[thestormlightnetwork]

headcanon

Kaz is actually ticklish, but the last person who tickled him was Jurdie...

[fairytalesofforever]

yet another non-SOC specific post on my dash that is coming for kaz brekker’s kneecaps

died and came back wrong <- became deeply depressed at age 12 and never fully recovered

[ladyknightellen]

It's a Mobility Aid...Not a Fucking Prop!!!

I guess it's just my brand at this point to go mia for a few weeks, then come back with a rant about some new, mildly infuriating realization I've had.

This particular realization is one that's kind of been buzzing in the back of my head as something that was kind of off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was until now. The 'aha' moment came when I was looking for pictures of Kaz Brekker to add to my collection of stickers on my binder for school. As I scrolled through, I began to notice a frustrating trend in the fan art...

Kaz Brekker, a canonically disabled character, who uses a cane to walk is consistently being drawn holding his cane as if it's just a prop, or a weapon, rather than what it actually is A GODDAMN MOBILITY AID!!!!

And before you start with 'but he hits people with it' I'm going to stop you right there. Yes, he does use it as a weapon sometimes, and it's even described in canon as being designed with the intention of using it as a club if needed, but it's still a cane. It is still a mobility aid that he needs TO WALK, and when you treat it like nothing more than a prop or a weapon, you erase a very important aspect of who Kaz is as a character, and honestly, as a cane user with chronic pain myself, it feels almost violent to see how often it happens.

Whenever I see art of Kaz standing with his cane in his hands like a billy club, or holding it across one or both shoulders, all I can think about is how much pain he would be in to hold a position like that without using the cane for support. At numerous points in the books during Kaz's pov chapters, we get several very detail descriptions of what it feels like for him on a daily basis as a result of his chronic pain. We also get several instances of how it feels when he has his cane taken from him, when he uses it to fight, or when he's disguised and doesn't want to give himself away. We see the toll it takes on his body to do this, and he always pays for it later.

Kaz does not swagger around Ketterdam with his cane over his shoulder, occasionally taking a swing at rival gang members. If this is the image you have in your head of him, please, I beg you to get rid of that image. Kaz is DISABLED. He has severe chronic pain and walks with a heavy limp and that cane is making contact with the ground on every step. Based on the kind of injury he had, I would imagine that his injured leg might even be a bit shorter than the other, which would possibly be evident in a visible lack of symmetry in the height of his shoulders. And that's just one possible way it could affect his body beyond just his leg that would be outwardly visible.

There are many more, but the point is that injuries like the one Kaz experienced can affect the entire body even with the best care and therapy, and Kaz didn't have any of that. I'm not asking you to be a medical expert just to draw fanart, but I am begging you think about things like this and at the very least, PLEASE draw the mobility aid being used as a mobility aid, not a prop. Stop erasing and sanitizing what little representation we have. If you think it makes him 'look more badass' or whatever to have his cane over his shoulder, I kind of don't really care.

P.S. And don't use the tv show as a reference because Freddy Carter is yet another example of a non disabled actor playing a disabled character.

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

hey! i love your posts! i was wondering if you could possibly do an analysis on the infamous bathroom scene? why does kaz choose this time to get close to inej and help her with her bandages? do you think he went in with the intention to try and give her physical affection or did it just happen? why does he choose to kiss her neck and is there significance to that? no rush, but i’d love to hear your thoughts!

Thanks so much for your question! I know you said I rush but it really has been a long time so I’m so sorry this took forever, but let’s go!

So the bathroom scene begins very specifically parallel with one of the earliest scenes of Six of Crows, when Kaz is washing in his room at the Slat and Inej walks in to deliver him news, and I think this is supposed to give us a sense of finality. It increases the tension, because at this point the reader is very aware that not everyone is necessarily going to survive Kaz's plan and having this echo could therefore look something frighteningly like closure to prepare us for losing one or both of the pair. Now this can be interpreted as a red herring, Leigh Bardugo is the queen of hitting where the mark’s not looking and she feeds us a lot of red herrings to hide her actual foreshadowing (I made a post about it a while ago now but in summary she’s a genius), and this could definitely be an extension of that to draw attention away from Matthias, similarly to how she focuses on the possibility of Matthias losing Nina a lot more than she does Nina losing Matthias, or it could be a hark back to Inej looking at the murals of animals running in circles in Six of Crows, describing them as “destined to chase each other for as long as the Ice Court stood” (or along those lines sorry I don’t have my books with me at the minute) as a metaphor for her and Kaz’s relationship. I think that the cyclical nature of this scene is meant to reference that in order to suggest that actually they have found a way to break the cycle, because they succeeded at the Ice Court, they metaphorically brought it down and so the cycle is broken, and the fact that there are several distinct differences between these parallel scenes enhances that for me.

This scene is only given to us in detail from Kaz's POV, whereas the early scene is from Inej's, and in each case the opposite character is arguably in the more vulnerable appearing position. In the first scene Kaz is shirtless, washing blood off himself, and Inej is actively discomforted by the immodesty of the interaction between them. In the bathroom scene, Inej has removed her tunic and I believe is wearing a tank top, which for her is a massively vulnerable way to be seen because she covers most of her skin all the time - particularly her arms because of her scars from the removal of the Menagerie tattoo. By this point the scars has been removed by Nina when she was high on parem, but that doesn't make Inej's psychological connection to them end and it definitely doesn't decrease her feeling of vulnerability when her skin is on show. There's also the added tension of Inej being injured in this scene. Although both scenes are in the aftermath of danger, the bathroom scene has a far stronger sense of the further danger to come than the earlier one did, since at the time we knew so little of the heist and the plan. Inej's injury solidifies this and makes the danger feel constant and real, as well as intensely increasing her vulnerability in a way that she is very aware of.

The fact that Kaz chooses now to get close to her intensifies this sense of danger and makes the reader very aware that Kaz Brekker, the Bastard of the Barrel, the man we have witnessed successfully breaking in and out of the Ice Court, cutting out a man's eye, scaring a small child so badly she'll probably need therapy as an adult, murdering, thieving, and being so committed to his plans that he swallowed and regurgitated a set of lockpicks without a second thought, is actually, genuinely terrified that he won't come back from the next stage of his plan. In fact he's so terrified that he has decided to face the only other thing that frightens him, so that if he dies today at least he tried. I'm not sure if he went in with the intention of moving from helping her with the bandages to physical intimacy, because even the bandages alone would be a huge step for him. It's possible that once he'd committed to helping her with the bandages anyway, that he decided to push himself as far as possible in case he never got another chance. Possibly if he'd taken things in smaller steps he would have been able to cope with helping her today, and then know that he could help her again, and maybe one day after that he'll be able to kiss her. But one of the things that makes this moment so beautiful is that this is a snippet of time where Kaz and Inej are the only thing that exist, there is no future and if they try hard enough maybe there can be no past, maybe there can just be the present, there can just be this. Kaz takes these steps now becasue he doesn't see a chance to do it again, and although this does wonders to enhance the importance and the beauty of the scene it is also terrifying as a reader to face the very real possibility of Kaz not coming back.

I’m really glad you mentioned him kissing her neck because I do think it’s possibly symbolic and quite meaningful. Whilst both of them struggle with physical contact to different capacities, it’s important to note that whilst Kaz’s fear of contact has made intimacy a seeming impossibility for him, for Inej it’s intimacy itself that’s the biggest influence on her pain. She struggles with any contact she isn’t prepared for beforehand, but only ever finds it worth explaining when it’s a form of intimacy - “the first time Nina hugged me, I flinched”. Even though Inej consents in the scene and doesn’t, at least not vocally or physically and therefore not to the reader’s knowledge, change her mind, she never initiates anything. I think this is important because it forces Kaz to be the one who handles the initial contact; if she touched him skin-on-skin without him forcing himself to do so first then he probably would have shut down and panicked a lot sooner because he wasn’t in control. But he also shows such an important understanding that Inej also needs some level of control. And that control comes in her decision to return the kiss. If he kissed her lips she would be forced to face the prospect of her worst fear “would she kiss him back? Could she be herself in such a moment or […] a doll in his arms, a girl who would never quite be whole”. (Again, sorry, operating on memory alone for the quotes). By kissing her neck, Kaz is able to create this moment of sensuality without taking control of it any more than he needs to for his own sake, making sure that the choice always remains hers. It also makes me think of when Nina kisses Matthias on the neck whilst searching his pockets for parem, when she says that she didn’t kiss his lips because she would not let the drug take that from her. Leigh Bardugo establishes this kiss on the lips as something powerful early on in the book and it comes into play once again here, with Kaz and Inej acknowledging that kind of connection to be a far more symbolic one for them than an initial contact is. In much the same way that Kaz refused to be the one to mark Inej again, he will not be the one to kiss her lips and create a situation she is unprepared to deal with. Ultimately, he has to be able to touch her skin first, and she has to be able to kiss his lips first.

Ok I wasn't one hundred percent sure how I was going to go about this and then suddenly all of that was on the page, but I think what I'm going to do now is pick some specific quotes or moments from the scene to talk about.

"I don't have the words to thank you" "I'm sure the Suli have a thousand proverbs for such an occasion" "words have not been invented for such an occasion" "if I end up on the gallows you can say something nice over the corpse" - honestly not sure if I have anything to say about this I just love this conversation so damn much

"if that were true my shadow would have put Ketterdam in permananent night" "maybe. or maybe your someone else's shadow" "You mean Pekka" - I feel like I talk about Kaz being Pekka's shadow an awful lot but I am just so obsessed with the idea, they are literary foils but there are also such important distinct differences between them it’s just incredible

“I don’t sell girl into brothels, I don’t con helpless kids out if their money” “look at the floor of the crow club, Kaz,” - okay so of the same vein and again I feel like I talk about it a lot, in fact it’s literally what inspired the entire fic im writing (if you wanna read it all the chapters are tagged under “Maya Olsen oc”) but these lines are so goddamn heartbreaking I will never get over them

“How could she still look at the world that way?” - it’s just really interesting to me to have this direct address of comparison of the way their view has been shaped by their experiences, particularly as I’ve talked a lot about Inej having to come to terms with the idea that what happened to her isn’t just a cruel part of the world but an individual piece of a cruel world especially with seeing the “Rare Spices” billboard using hyper-sexualised Suli women to sell the products (I made a whole post on that too) and yet still she sees hope in the world. A lot of this I think is to do with her faith, because instead of believing that there can be no god or saints or other form of deity because of the cruelty in the world, as Kaz does (it’s confirmed that he prayed as a child but is obviously now very atheistic, though we don’t get a lot of detail about what religion he may or may not have practiced), a big part of Inej’s path to hell by is believing that fate planned this for her so that it would lead her to stopping it from happening to others. I struggle with this idea because it seems to imply that it makes her pain worthy of going through when obviously no-one should ever have to experience such trauma, but there are many different ways of interpreting this and personally I don’t think that Inej believes her Saints did this to her for a reason but that she believes they have found a reason for her to continue after after the fact and given her a cause in order to help her through her experiences. I hope this makes sense it’s starting to feel a bit ramble-y

Oh my god I just wrote loads after that and it didn’t save. Oh my god no I can’t believe it I’ve been writing for so long 😭 ok erm… oh god I’m so annoyed right now I can’t remember everything I wrote and it was so much like I’d nearly got to the end of the chapter doing a quote by quote analysis. Ok I’m going to try and reconstruct what I did but please bare with if this isn’t my best work because usually I write very freely when I do these and just throw whatever comes into my head into the page so cautiously trying to think back to what I said originally might make it come across a bit stilted.

I can’t believe I’ve done this 😭

“The distance between them felt like nothing. It felt like miles” - his internal conflict is so brilliantly written and it’s so heartbreaking; the way this is far too close but it’s much too far away

“Graceful as always. A girl underwater” - again this internal conflict, the way she’s underwater because her movements are fluid but she’s also underwater because to touch her it to drown

“His gloves lay discarded […] they looked like dead animals”

“Maybe he would never get to the Slat. Maybe this would kill him.”

“Inej’s eyes were wide and dark. Lost planets. Black moons” - I will never shut up about the fact that soc starts with Joost wishing Anya had blue eyes instead of brown so they were easier to compliment, and then the two books are absolutely overflowing with Kaz and Inej describing each other’s beautiful brown eyes

“It’s shame that eats men whole. He was drowning it. Drowning in the Ketterdam harbour”

“Even now a boy will smile at me on the street, or Jesper will put his arm around my waist, and I feel I’m going to vanish,” - this is such and important moment, this scene is the most vulnerable and open Inej ever is out loud and I think it’s such a massive concession to her trust in Kaz. I think that, especially because the scene is written from Kaz’s perspective, we get a lot more emphasis on his struggle than on Inej’s and although it’s really important to discuss Kaz I do think that sometimes we tread a thin line of focusing on him at the expense of losing focus on Inej and it’s so massively important to acknowledge both of them. This is also one of the things that I think was the biggest downfall of the way the writing in shadow and bone season 2 treated Inej, although I absolutely adore the show and I think that everything Amita Suman does shows that she understands the character in a deep and beautiful level, I also think it’s so so important to realise that not once in either season does that script actually state that the Menagerie is a brothel. One of my friends who hasn’t read the books didn’t get the full picture of Inej’s backstory until I filled in some small gaps for her because the writing just didn’t do her full justice, and I think that’s really unfortunate not least because it means that to some who hasn’t read the books a lot of Inej’s actions in season 2 would come across as her trying rush Kaz into something he isn’t ready for when that isn’t the situation in the slightest

“The room tilted. He clung to the tether of her voice” - I’ve seen a lot of stuff online about the focus points of contact between grishaverse couples and the way their represented, for example with Malina it’s their hands (the way they hold hands as Alina is grabbed by Volcra and it amplifies her power, the way they reach to intertwine their fingers in the meadow, etc). And most of these label the eyes as Kanej’s focal point of contact, and whilst I agree with that I also think that the voice is a massively underrepresented one, especially from Kaz’s perspective. It’s Inej’s voice that helps him work through his panic attack in soc and it’s Inej’s voice that keeps him afloat now, arguably because it’s a form of connection between them that requires no closeness or input, it just exists and can be relied upon.

“I live in fear that I’ll see one of her… one of my clients on the street. For a long time I thought I recognised them everywhere. But sometimes I think what they did to me wasn’t the worst of it” - okay I want to warn you guys now I wrote a long and in depth analysis on this quote and I was incredibly passionate and very proud of it so I’n really really annoyed it didn’t save, and I’m sorry because my analysis now is probably not going to live up to what I wrote earlier but here we go:

For me, this is a massively important quote and there are two ways to read it. Firstly, that when she refers to “her” Inej means Heleen but edits her words as a continuation of this vulnerability she is forcing herself to share. The second is going to link to something I said a while ago about how we could compare a separation of “Inej” and “The Wraith” to the separation of “Kaz” and “Dirtyhands”, but this is a bit more like the separation of “Rietveld” and “Brekker”. Inej talks a lot about how she would leave her body behind to exist only in her mind, in passages I find particularly reminiscent of passages in The Handmaid’s Tale (although please note soc is not very explicit whereas tht is incredibly explicit). But to take that idea further, I think there are certain hints, and I think this is possibly the biggest one, to imply that one of Inej’s ptsd responses it to actually view herself today as a separate entity from who she was during her indenture, effectively saying ‘yes these things happened to this body but they didn’t happen to this mind so that should make it easier’ to herself, which is massively self-destructive in nature because it almost creates this idea that she needs to get over who she once was and move on, very similar to the way Kaz Brekker represses Kaz Rietveld. Arguably, what she’s saying is the worst of it is this fracturing of the self that has been created by what they put her through and that she cannot seem to escape from. Now obviously I don’t know the intent behind Leigh Bardugo’s words and I want to be very clear that there are different possible interpretations of this, this one in particular does happen to more darkly resonate with her ptsd that does not make it correct or incorrect but I think it’s worth considering, especially when it adds another layer to the parallels between her and Kaz.

Ok I’m not going to write out the full quote because it’s quite long but starting from the line “Tante Heleen wasn’t always cruel” - now I talked about this a bit in my post about a comparison between Inej and Wylan as subsequent to a comparison between Heleen and Van Eck, but very specifically in this passage Inej describes this horrifying, heart-shattering image of the way Heleen attempted to instil something akin to Stockholm Syndrome within the girls at the Menagerie, by forcing them to believe that she was their only hope for survival, that she was kinder to them than anyone else would be, that they had to prove they deserved to stay with her, that any abuse she brought down on them came from a place of some kind of twisted love or care because she had to do this to make them understand, that if they would just be good and if they would just understand then she wouldn’t have to hurt them but they won’t do they are forcing her to do this. It’s so painful and it tells us so much detail about Inej’s experience without actually going into tiny explicit details.

“Feeling regret and release as he broke contact with her skin” - again so brilliantly highlighting his internal conflict

“He could feel the warmth of her on his fingers like fever” - if I had a list of my favourite similes in literature… well it would be very long, but this would be on it!!! The subtlety and yet emphasis on Kaz’s internal conflict is so beautifully written here, with the warmth of her flesh against his creating this sensual atmosphere but the comparison of it to fever, to the illness that killed Jordie and took Kaz to the Reaper’s Barge, adds to the way the reminder of his pain is threaded through every moment even when he isn’t physically suffering a flashback, it’s just constantly present and inescapable

“That rapid pulse fluttering in her throat. Alive. Alive. Alive” - agaiiiiiiiiiiiin with the so brilliantly written internal conflict I will never get over. The entire scene is at war with itself, every sentence at odds with its own content. The sexual tension created in the image of the fast heart rate and the way this makes you feel alive versus the desperate need to keep reminding himself that she is alive and breathing she is not a body on the Reaper’s Barge.

Ohhhhh just the whole description of Kaz saying “after all she’d endured, he was the weak one” and explaining the pain of watching the others able to hold each other, how difficult it is to see Nina hug her and Jesper out his arm around her genuinely makes me want to cry, it resonates so sadly with the scene when they arrive at the Geldrenner and all the others are hugging and so happy to see each other alive, and Nina says that even if Kaz isn’t happy to see them they’re happy to see him, meanwhile Kaz is in a war of self loathing because he so intensely fears that they hate him because they think he hates them but he has no way of expressing himself and it’s just ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you know?

“He watched that pulse, the evidence of her heart”

The whole passage that follows this moment I can’t explain it any other way than I feel like I’m melting every time I read it. I saw a Tumblr post someone had put on Pinterest recently and if I find it again I’ll put the op username in the comments but it basically said that when a writer can write something that isn’t a sex scene as if it’s a sex scene that it’s kind of magical and I think in a lot of ways this resonates massively with this scene

Ugh and then I want to cry again when he can’t cope and the I ability to express himself becomes anger and becomes descriptions of violence. This is the only time we get a full feel for the absolute unending mess of Kaz’s theist for revenge; it’s never enough, not the banks, not the attorneys, not the man from the cafe, not the boy who lured them in, not Margit, not Saskia, and Pekka Rollins won’t be. I always wonder if it’s important that we’re never told what he did to Saskia. We know that the roper was tortured and left dead with “the key to a wind up dog shoved down his throat” so we know Kaz exercises some kind of poetic justice in his violence, and we see that in his revenge against Rollins too. Maybe he strangled her with a red hair ribbon. Maybe he never actually hurt her. Maybe he couldn’t bring himself to.

“You don’t ask for forgiveness Kaz. You earn it,” “and is that what you intend to do? By hunting slavers?” “By hunting slavers” - maybe it’s just because of the intonation choice on my audiobook (which btw is awesome shout out to the narrators of the audiobook love you guys) but this to me comes across as Kaz attempting to mock Inej in his harried, terrified, clearly losing control state and her so calmly standing her ground and standing by what she believes in

“His eyes scanned her face […] snatching at the pieces of her like the thief he was”

“But if he was going to die today maybe the one thing he’d earned was the memory of her, brighter than anything he would ever have a right to, to take with him to the other side.”

The way the last moments of the scene include him putting back in the gloves, reconstructing the armour

“He might as well go to meet his death in style” - this is gonna be out of tune with everything else I’ve said but damn what an icon love this line

“Whatever happens to me, survive this city. Get your ship, have your vengeance, carve your name into their bones, but survive this mess I’ve gotten us into.” - I may simply ✨cease to exist✨. But genuinely I’ve mentioned several times before about how the city of Ketterdam almost becomes it’s own character as the antagonist because ultimately it’s the system, not any individual, that has to be defeated and I think this quote highlights it so well. There are individual people that have to be dealt with and deserve everything that will be brought done upon them, but it’s the city itself that you have to watch out for or it will swallow you whole

I’m not going to go into detail about their tells because I’ve made a post devoted to them before and good lord this post is getting long, but I just want to emphasise that it’s a brilliant passage

“If you’ve ever cared about me at all, don’t follow” - I just absolutely adore that the next chapter starts with Inej following him mimicking these exact words I love her so damn much it makes giggle every time

“Inej was wrong about one thing. He knew exactly what he intended to leave behind when was gone: Damage” - *collapses* God I adore this there are no words

Ok wow if you made it this far thank you so much for reading this honestly I’m very impressed that you did because this is long. There are definitely details that I’ve lost because I had to require so much of it, which is a real shame but there’s still a lot to talk about here and I’ve written so much is possibly best for the sake of all our sanity’s that there isn’t more. Sorry I took so long to respond to your question but thank you so so much for asking it, I hope you all like this and that it at least made some sense because as I’ve said before these things often make more sense in my own head than they do on paper. Thanks for reading 💖

[rorygilmoreclown]

Cunk on Ketterdam

Prompt: I have a generous request to all of the great fanfiction writers that please for the love of God can you write something like all the Crows are getting interviewed in Cunk on Earth 😭 . I would love to see them being flabbergasted by the questions of Philomena. It can also be Crows x Reader, where the reader takes the place of Philomena. 

A/n: I tried my best. Will prolly make it a series since it’s such an interesting concept. Lmk which character you want next. I have more for Kaz Brekker also. 😭

Word Count: 497 words

Y/n: Welcome on the Ketterdam TV, Mr. Brekker. I have been informed to remind you from time to time that not giving us an answer would result in deduction of kruge from your share. 

Kaz: I understand. 

Y/n: Now let’s start from the basics, the first question is, how many birthday party performances do you have on your resume?

Kaz: For what reason would I go to a tiny terrors’ tumultuous tribute?

Y/n: No, it says here (checking your script) that you are a magician. So I assumed that you’d work at parties. 

Kaz: I’m not a magician. 

Y/n: Very well then, next question, would you audition for the play of Now You See Me 3? I heard they need a magician. Although you would have to do something other than card tricks. A character in the 2nd play has already accomplished that. 

Kaz: Is this a joke? I'll leave that to the performers with less refined tastes.

Y/n: You have a bit of an emo vibe don’t you. You’d fit right into the band My Chemical Romance. Now, I have to ask, do you think your name would be better if it was spelled with a 'z' instead of a 'k'? You know, like "Kaz the Kool Kid" or "Zaz the Zany Zebra"?

Kaz: (looking around at the exits so soon) I’d prefer if you would stick to Mr. Brekker. 

Y/n: Party pooper. Okay, moving on. I've heard you're a great leader of the Dregs, but have you ever thought about starting a band? I hear kazoo music is making a comeback.

Kaz: I’m quite satisfied with my current employment. 

Y/n: Does your mother agree with your profession? 

Kaz: 👁️👄👁️

Y/n: And that’s what I thought. That’s why I was suggesting alternatives. I want to know where you stand on diversity. Considering your employees are all diverse. 

Kaz: I pick my crows based on their work, and not those extraneous factors. 

Y/n: Is that why all of you have one thing in common?

Kaz: Yes, all of us are- 

Y/n: - (cutting him off) in dire need of therapy. 

Kaz: No, we don’-

Y/n: Producers told me you might be in denial. Moving on, when are you going to change the last name of your adopted child? 

Kaz: I don’t have a child. 

Y/n: My saints the denial phase is worse than I had thought. Although I’ll tell you, I was talking about your son, Wylan Van Eck. Is he not your child? And answer carefully, he might cry if you deny again.

Kaz: (not saying no but not saying yes either)

Y/n: I’ll take that as a “as soon as possible”. Now, at last, the most simple question. Do you keep saying “Hello Inej” every five minutes? 

Kaz: No. I do not. That is absurd. 

Y/n: (to the producers) I think you should offer him free therapy sessions, he desperately needs them. 

Taglist: @wrapperpaper @lady-ashfade

[kanejbr3kker]

Grishaverse characters at therapy (cause they need it)

Alina: Talks about all her friends' trauma but pretends hers is completely nonexistent

Mal: They have a really good conversation about all the happy things in his life, and then right at the end he brings up the whole "my girlfriend killed me'' thing

The Darkling: Says something creepy and fucked up and gets kicked out

Zoya: Comes in, sits in silence for thirty minutes, says "Kaz Brekker" and leaves

Nikolai: Tells his entire life story

Kaz: Inej forced him to go, he just sits in silence the entire time, and the only sound for an hour is him tapping his foot

Inej: Actually has a really wholesome conversation about everything she's been through and how to recover

Jesper: Only talks about Wylan's trauma

Wylan: Only talks about Jesper's trauma

Matthias: Sits in silence for ten minutes and then breaks down and starts talking about Nina

Nina: Is the therapist

[seidenbros]

Breaking the Ice - Chapter 11

Pairing: Wylan van Eck x Jesper Fahey

Summary: “Ahh and here I’d thought that you wanted to pay me a visit.” Jesper gave a heavy, theatrical sigh, but then reached past Wylan to put his money into the machine and get some chocolate of his own. “I thought about it.” Wylan’s words made Jesper hold his breath. Heat settled in the pit of his stomach, started coursing through his veins. He wasn’t the only one who’d thought about it, and wasn’t that a wonderful thought? “Yeah?” Jesper asked, the chocolate that had dropped down momentarily forgotten. “What else did you think about?” Jesper reached out his right hand and traced his fingers over Wylan’s side, stopping at his waist. The way Wylan inhaled sharply made his fingers squeeze around his waist, before he pulled Wylan against his chest. “This.” One word whispered in the space between them, before Jesper felt Wylan’s lips against his own.

Warning/Tags: POV Jesper Fahey, POV Wylan van Eck, Alternate Universe - Hockey, Alternate Universe - Figure skating, Hockey Coach Kaz Brekker, injuries, Jan van Eck is the scum of the Earth, sexual content, implied child abuse

A/N: So, this chapter is getting a bit spicy, but I put the bit that's a little more explicit between the banners, so you can skip it. This won't be the last time, but I'll mark it then as well, so you can skip it if you don't want to read it <3

Read on AO3

Holding Wylan’s hand on the plane had been something Jesper had been wanting to do ever since he’d known that Wylan would really fly with them and that he was scared of flying. He’d also offer to do whatever Wylan needed him to do so that the flight would be okay for him, but apparently, holding his hand seemed to be enough. It didn’t take long for Wylan to nod off, which was rather surprising, but equally sweet. It seemed like Wylan was feeling at ease in Jesper’s presence, so that he could let his guard down like that. Maybe it was exhaustion that set in as well. Even if Wylan had had a good therapy session, it could still have been an exhausting one, and that in combination with the fear of flying could definitely be responsible for Wylan falling asleep. It was better to get through the flight as well, but once they were getting closer, Jesper didn’t want to wake him, but Wylan woke up by himself as soon as they touched ground.

“Was I… Did I…” Wylan mumbled, obviously still a little drowsy. He let go of Jesper’s hand and rubbed his eyes with both hands.

“You fell asleep and missed the whole flight, which I think is a good thing. How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Wylan said with a soft chuckle that made Jesper smile immediately. “I was more exhausted than I thought.”

“You didn’t miss out on anything, don’t worry.” Jesper really thought that it had probably been better for Wyan to sleep through the flight. Of course, they could have talked, listened to music or whatever, but that way, Wylan had at least been calm.

“Thanks Jes.” Wylan smiled up at him, before they got out of their seats.

“Anytime.” He meant it. Just like everything else he’d told him. When he needed someone to pick him up, like with the party at his father’s estate, or when he needed someone to talk to, Jesper would be there - unless he was on the ice for training or a game and couldn’t read Wylan’s messages.

The bus was already waiting for them to take them to the hotel. Surrounded by chatter from the other players, Wylan was rather quiet the whole ride, but he paid attention to everything that was said. Luckily, the ride to their hotel didn’t take long. In the morning, they’d had training on home ice, so the rest of the evening would be free for them. Most of the team wanted to go out together to grab a bite to eat and some drinks, so Jesper thought that it would be nice for Wylan to come along, bond a little more with the team - and he’d be able to keep an eye on him. Wylan didn’t even hesitate to agree, so Jesper couldn’t suppress a smile.

At the hotel, they all went to their assigned rooms and decided to meet up at seven. Tolya had chosen the restaurant they’d head to, since they could always count on his expertise. When it came to food, Tolya was the first person Jesper asked for recommendations.

He’d never admit it, but this evening, he needed longer than usual to get ready for dinner. Maybe, some of the guys would pick up on that - namely his linemates Tolya and Matthias - but he didn’t care. Wylan had seen him in a suit, and he’d seen him in some plain trousers and a long sleeved shirt at training, and they’d ended up making out either way. Still, he wanted to look good and give Wylan something to look at, because he was sure that it would be difficult for him to take his eyes off Wylan for long. It would probably be wise to have him sit next to him, which would make it more difficult to look at him all the time. Then again, he’d get the chance to touch him, and he wasn’t sure if that was safer.

He cast one last look in the mirror, before he took his rings and put them on again. The first buttons of his shirt were open, but he had to put on a coat due to the weather, especially since the temperatures here in Elling were even lower than in Ketterdam.

When he got downstairs, Wylan was already there, talking to Matthias. He had no idea what they were laughing about, but it was good to see him so at ease around the team. Of course, he loved all of his teammates, but some of them could be idiots from time to time, without meaning any harm. He just hoped that tonight wouldn’t be one of those moments, but he had faith in them. In addition, he was there to intervene if anyone ended up saying something stupid.

Once again, Tolya had chosen a great restaurant. It had a cosy atmosphere right from the moment they entered, and once they were seated at their table, Jesper decided to choose the seat next to Wylan. While his dyslexia was out in the open, Jesper didn’t want him to struggle with the menu in front of everyone here. Not that the others would judge, but he didn’t want Wylan to feel stressed about it. With their drinks ordered, Jesper put the menu between them.

“We can look together. I can read it to you, if you want.” Jesper had lowered his voice to speak to Wylan, and when their eyes met, there was something in Wylan’s look that he couldn’t really describe. Almost like some different kind of connection between them, especially when Wylan smiled and nodded at his words.

And so Jesper did read the menu out to him until they had both found something they wanted to order. There was chatter all around the table and they raised their glasses to a good game tomorrow and one step closer to the playoffs. It was the ultimate goal of course, but they were still far away from that. Every game counted, though, and they were at least off to a good start.

“Wylan, you think Jesper has what it takes to make it as a figure skater?” one of his teammates asked, and Jesper immediately rolled his eyes.

“He’s a good student,” Wylan started, looking at Jesper with a grin, before he looked at the other players again. “But I don’t think he wants to be a figure skater, and that’s the first step.”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” Jesper put on a serious face and raised one eyebrow. “I thought  all this time without me would be enough. You’d miss me too much if I were really gone.”

“Yeah… you’ve got a point,” Tolya agreed, raising his glass to him before he put it to his lips. It was normal banter between teammates, and one of the things Jesper had missed.

“And you’re a hockey fan yourself?” Another one asked him right when their food arrived.

Matthias stepped in to answer before Wylan could say anything: “He is. Watches every game he can and he’s been to most of our home games.”

Of course, Matthias knew, since Wylan and Nina were friends and so he’d spent some time with Wylan as well. Nothing they talked about all that much, but sometimes, Matthias did tell him about the evening when Wylan was over. So far, neither Nina or him had invited Jesper along, but then again, they’d only been training together for one and a half weeks, and in that time, they’d all been busy, but one part of Jesper would love to spend an evening together with the three of them. Kinda like a double date - though Wylan and him weren’t dating. They were… he didn’t know what to call it, but it felt good, and that was all that mattered in the end, right?

“It was impossible not to become a fan in the house I grew up in. It was actually my mother who was more on the ice with me, but I did play peewee hockey and loved it.” Wylan was so at ease right next to him, talking freely, and Jesper loved to see it. He knew that family wasn’t exactly an easy topic for Wylan, but these seemed to be good memories, something that was easy to talk about.

“Can I ask, why you stopped playing?” Tolya asked, always so considerate of the people around him. “You don’t have to answer, though.”

“No, no,” Wylan started, “It’s okay and not really a big secret. I watched the world championship in figure skating and was immediately enamoured, and wanted to try. So I was doing both at the same time, and while I wasn’t a bad hockey player, I was a better figure skater, and in the end, it was more fun for me as well.”

Admittedly, Jesper was a little surprised that conversation flowed so easily over dinner, but it was a good thing. Wylan fit right in with the rest of the team, he was just a little more quiet than the others, which was more than alright. He seemed to enjoy himself judging by the way he smiled and laughed - oh and Jesper really loved that sound, even more so when he was the one to get it out of Wylan.

They stayed for another drink once they were all finished with the extraordinarily good food, though Jesper had to say that he kept a close eye on Wylan. Not that he expected him to drink more than he could handle, but he just wanted to make sure that he was doing good. And he was, even on their way back, they were talking animatedly, this time about the upcoming game. They told Wylan that he would love the arena, and Jesper felt the same way. The arena in Elling always seemed bigger than the other ones, and the first time he’d played there, it had been kind of intimidating, but ever since then, he’d loved playing here. Wylan would see that for himself the following morning when they did their training right before he’d hit the ice with the rest of the team.

For a moment, they stood in the lobby and said good night to each other, until they parted ways. Some of the guys wanted to play a game of cards, but most of them headed to bed, and so Wylan and Jesper rode the elevator up together. Since Jesper was one floor above him, they had to part ways when the door opened on Wylan’s floor. Due to others being in the elevator with them, they just exchanged a few words, made it clear that they’d head to the arena after breakfast, but that was it, no matter how much Jesper wanted to kiss him.

Alone in his room, Jesper pulled the curtains closed and turned on the TV. He wasn’t ready to go to sleep just yet. Not when he knew that Wylan was just a floor below him. As much as he wanted to go down there and see him once more, he knew that it wasn’t wise to do that. Not with half the hotel filled with his teammates and Kaz somewhere in between.

After changing into some flannel pyjama pants, he took off his shirt, but then he had an idea and slipped back into his shoes. He knew that there was a snack machine somewhere on his floor, and since he couldn’t just go to Wylan and kiss him senseless, he could at least get some chocolate. With some money in his pocket, he opened the door and peered down the hallway, but there was nobody to be seen. Still, he grabbed his shirt again and put it on, leaving it unbuttoned, but in case he encountered anyone, he’d be able to cover himself up quickly. 

When he rounded the corner to where the snack machine was standing, he found more than he’d bargained for. His lips curved up into a grin immediately, because he’d recognise that figure in combination with that head full of hair anywhere.

“Fancy meeting you here,” he said as he closed the distance. He hadn’t planned on startling Wylan, especially because his steps hadn’t exactly been quiet, but it happened anyway. “What brings you to my floor, darling?”

Wylan’s eyes were still a little widened when he looked at Jesper, clutching a bar of chocolate in his right hand when he said: “The snack machine. Since there isn’t one on my floor. Or I wasn’t able to find it, that could be possible as well.”

“Ahh and here I’d thought that you wanted to pay me a visit.” Jesper gave a heavy, theatrical sigh, but then reached past Wylan to put his money into the machine and get some chocolate of his own.

“I thought about it.”

Wylan’s words made Jesper hold his breath. Heat settled in the pit of his stomach, started coursing through his veins. He wasn’t the only one who’d thought about it, and wasn’t that a wonderful thought?

“Yeah?” Jesper asked, the chocolate that had dropped down momentarily forgotten. “What else did you think about?” Jesper reached out his right hand and traced his fingers over Wylan’s side, stopping at his waist. The way Wylan inhaled sharply made his fingers squeeze around his waist, before he pulled Wylan against his chest.

“This.” One word whispered in the space between them, before Jesper felt Wylan’s lips against his own. He’d been longing for this for days. The kiss before the game had been amazing, no doubt about it, but it had been chaste in comparison to the kisses they’d shared before - and to the kiss Wylan had initiated right now. It only fanned the flame inside him, made him want Wylan even more, and when his hand touched Jesper’s chest, he was so glad that he hadn’t buttoned up the shirt. That touch in combination with the kiss made Jesper’s heart beat even faster. His own hand found its way beneath Wylan’s shirt, settling at the small of his back. The quiet whimper that landed in the kiss made Jesper groan in turn. His room wasn’t that far away, but in the back of his mind, he still knew that it wasn’t a good idea. Well, it was the best idea actually, because he’d been wanting to take Wylan home since the charity gala, since that first incredible kiss between them. But this wasn’t home. This was a hotel room, and as much as he didn’t mind that with anyone else, it was different with Wylan. He didn’t care whether it was his bed or Wylan’s, but definitely not a hotel room. Not for a first night together - and yes, he was already hoping that it wouldn’t just be one night.

Wylan managed to make his brain short circuit, every thought and wish for restraint leaving his head, when he slowly pushed his fingers beneath the waistband of Jesper’s pyjama pants. Jesper’s fingers flexed against Wylan’s back, and he pulled back just a little bit, so he could speak against Wylan’s lips: “This is dangerous.”

“Want me to stop?” Wylan asked, nipping on Jesper’s jaw.

When Wylan’s fingers touched his base, Jesper had to press his lips together to suppress a moan. There were cameras in the hallway, but he had never seen any of these cameras where the snack machine was, and he’d been in this hotel more times than he could count.

“How can you ask me that?” Jesper mumbled, pressing his hips forward and against Wylan’s touch. As a result, he felt Wylan’s fingers wrap around his cock. He gasped against his lips, torn between going through with this and being rational enough to put an end to this.

“It’s just a simple question.”

Jesper felt the grin on Wylan’s lips when he kissed him again. At least, this way his moans were muffled when Wylan started moving his hand, stroking him from base to tip. Wylan was driving him utterly mad with what he was doing, but also with the words, with his cockiness.

What did put a sudden end to this situation, was the chatter that pierced his ear. It was coming closer just like he was, but they had to end this now.

“Wylan,” Jesper mumbled against his lips, pulling his hand back from beneath his shirt, “We need to stop.” he didn’t want him to stop, but they had to.

“Hm?” Wylan hummed, his hand still moving, but then he seemed to hear it as well. “Shit.” As carefully as possible, Wylan pulled his hand out of Jesper’s pyjama pants and pushed it into his own pocket, while Jesper quickly turned towards the snack machine so that nobody would see the state he was in. As soon as he was able to think at least a little bit, he reached for his own chocolate bar.

“What’s this? Do we have a team meeting here?” he heard Tolya say behind him, followed by a laugh. Matthias was right by his side, grinning at Wylan and him.

“I guess we all just had some late night cravings,” Jesper retorted, looking at the two over his shoulder as he held up the chocolate to show them.

“We should have had dessert. Next time, just listen to me.” Tolya rolled his eyes in mock-seriousness, a smile still on his lips as he stepped around Wylan to get to the snack machine.

Jesper’s heart was racing in his chest, because they’d nearly caught them in this situation, and it hadn’t just been a kiss. It had been more than that, which was still very obvious in Jesper’s case.

“Next time, we will,” Jesper promised, “But the chocolate here is really good, so I might end up getting some next time anyway.”

“Fair enough.” Tolya laughed at that and reached for his bag of crisps.

“Alright, I’ll see you three at breakfast,” Wylan spoke up, levelling his gaze on Jesper. “And then you can show me the arena.”

“Yeah… that’s the plan.” Jesper was curious how Wylan could appear so cool and relaxed. “Good night guys.”

Jesper and Wylan left at the same moment, and Jesper made sure that he kept his back to the others. As quickly as possible, he walked to his room, and once inside, he was able to breathe properly again. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Tossing the chocolate onto his bed, he forgot about it for a moment, because right now, he needed a shower and to take care of himself, which wouldn’t take long with what had just happened still so fresh in the back of his mind.

Wylan looked so innocent, almost angelic, and then he did something like this. Jesper never would have guessed that anything like that would happen. Yes, he’d hoped they’d share some more kisses, and he’d taken the first step, but Wylan… oh Wylan had really surprised him.

With the bathrobe tied around his body, Jesper walked over to his bed and stretched out on it after the shower. Now, it was time for chocolate and some TV because he couldn’t fall asleep straight away. When he reached for his phone, he saw Wylan’s message.

I hope you finished what I couldn’t.

Jesper nearly choked on the piece of chocolate, because his words were so unexpected that he needed a moment to digest it. Just as unexpected as his behaviour in front of the snack machine altogether had been.

Oh yes I did. With you in mind.

Jesper put his phone aside and rubbed a hand over his face and through his damp hair. He had no idea where this thing between them would lead, but right now, he didn’t want to worry about it. He was still on a high from what had happened. Immediately, his hands reached for his phone when it buzzed once more.

I did the same. Still wish we would have had more time.

A groan came over his lips at the mental image of Wylan spread out on his bed, his fair skin a beautiful contrast to the dark sheets, his own hands stroking over his body, those beautiful moans leaving his lips… Oh Jesper had wished for the same thing, but at the same time, he knew just how dangerous that had been. For both of them. Being caught in a situation like this could have led to a lot of trouble. Granted, Tolya and Matthias would have probably just turned around and teased Jesper the following day - leaving Wylan out of this - but it could have been anyone else as well.

We can have all the time in the world when we’re back home.

He knew that it was a bold move, but he just had to put it out there and show Wylan that he wanted this, wanted more with him. More of the kisses, but also taking it a step further. Their attraction to each other was through the roof, but there was also something more. Something that Jesper wanted to explore on a deeper level, but that didn’t mean that they couldn’t act on their mutual attraction.

When his phone buzzed again, still in his hand, Jesper held his breath until he was finished with reading Wylan’s message.

Shouldn’t you wine and dine me first? :P Then again, you did that already with the pancakes…

It was neither a yes nor a no, but it implied something, didn’t it? Or was he reading too much into Wylan’s words.

I wouldn’t mind doing that again.

It sounded like he wanted to take him on a proper date. In a way, he did, but he didn’t know if this was too forward. Physical intimacy was one thing, but going on a real date was something else entirely. But he wanted it. All of it. It scared him a little bit, if he was being honest.

Hard to top the pancakes for dinner, though. Let’s see what happens when we get home. We should both get some sleep now after that kind of adventure.

Adventure… Well, Jesper had told him that he should be more adventurous, hadn’t he? And what had happened out there had definitely been an adventure - one that Wylan had initiated nonetheless. But he was right, they needed some sleep now, since they needed their energy in the morning. Something Jesper was looking forward to as well.

You’re right. Sweet dreams, Wylan. I’ll definitely have them.

[neptune-scythe]

I was having a bad day so I decided to take it out on my boy Kaz Brekker ... as one does

[fanaddicted2000]

Kaz’s a mess when Inej gets a cold

and it's both adorable and heartbreaking.

Imagine a slightly feverish Inej, bundled up under an obscenely large pile of blankets, trying to get some sleep, but next to her Kaz is buzzing around, getting her tea, asking about Suli soup and do you want another pillow? He doesn't dare take off his gloves, afraid her skin will drown him, nor does he dare leave her room, afraid of the state he'll find her in. He's ashamed of how scared he is. Her pale skin makes him nervous, and every time she coughs, his heart stops. When he blinks, her figure is blurred by a sea of corpses and nausea rises in his throat, forcing him to exhale slowly through tight lips. He's dipping a clean cloth in cold water for her when a pillow hits him square in the head. He's too stunned to glare at her, and he couldn't, not with the tired love in her eyes. It's just a cold, Kaz, I need to sleep it off. He shakes his head, But - she doesn't let him finish. When I wake up, I'll appreciate some soup, she says with a gentle decisiveness. He nods once with a sigh and decides to check on the Dregs, maybe find some Black Tips to beat up. He's being ridiculous, he knows it, but... he turns back to her, catches her sleepy eyes following him. Better not leave me, Wraith, he says seriously, but it comes out like a plea and she nods, her eyes closing. The deal is the deal.

[chaoticsomeone]

The power of that loving mouth of yours has

Loki Laufeyson x Heartrender Reader

Warning : Su!cide, Harsh words

(I've been obsessed recently with writing Grisha readers x characters so heres another one. And from now on I may specialize in writing Grisha readers)

Inspired by book0bsessedd (dolores on tiktok)

Character mad at the love interest and shouting to just k!ll themselves, and when they did.

He was always so gentle and loyal to you. He would always go out of his way to treat you as his queen, as his bethrothed.

He would use his seiðr to calm you down, and you would always do the same to him with your heartrending. Every day and every night you two were almost unseperable. Ever since you were tasked to interrogate him.

-------------------

"Talk or I crush your heart slowly" you threatened him.

"If you think that will make me talk you're wrong" he remarked. "Fine, and what if I just talked to you as how I would treat someone I love?, Would that make you reveal something?. I don't enjoy hurting people" you smiled softly as the last sentence left your mouth. You sensed an increase in his heartrate that slowly went down again. You approached him, sitting and telling him of your favorite book. You told him how Kaz Brekker reminded you of him. With his tough exterior he still have a heart and can love. Even if he won't show it to anyone.

"You remind me of Kaz Brekker, this one character. He walks with a limp and is brutal. He can kill someone with words just like you. But he still loves this girl. Weirdly enough he calls her an 'investment'. Tell me about your favorite book. Thor told me you love spending time in the Asgard Library." You looked at his eyes sincerely. His lips formed a small smile and told you stories Frigga used to read him. And the poems she'd taught him to help with his Seiðr.

You asked him more about Frigga, asking how much he loved her and all that. Making sure not to cross the border you strictly made. "If your mom taught you to help others, why did you resort to killing hundreds of people?" He looked tense. You knew you started a sensitive conversation.

He'd eventually open up to you. Everything and how he felt about everything

-----------------

Inseperable as always, when he goes on missions and you weren't invited you were almost always reading in his room. Until today Bucky asked you to talk. Since you were basically the therapist of the avengers. I mean you can ease someone's heart and pulse quite literally.

When you finished your session with Bucky you saw Loki watching. You smiled and ran up to him. Embracing him with a hug and a kiss to his lips. He reiterate as he smiled. "Darling, what was it you and that assasin were talking about?" "Oh just a therapy session. We all need one once in a while" You can see he'd always soften at your sincerity.

You spent the day resting on his chest as he read to you a book. The story his mom would read him every night. The next morning you had to leave early for a sudden mission only leaving a note behind which wrote

"Beloved, Stark gave me a mission early this morning and It was urgent and sudden. I'm so sorry for leaving without telling you. I just couldn't get myself to wake you up as you looked asleep soundly as always"

-----

He did his usual routine and started to read whilst listening to the news, only to find a picture of Thor hugging and kissing you on the head on the screen. He was hurt. Shocked. He didn't know what to react. Or how to react. He was lost. You'd always lead him back but today the reason was you.. The only person he had loved.. How dared you. His brother? Why him out of all people. As if you were doing it just out of spite.

How coule you his mind wandered again. You were the only person ever to actually love and cared for him. To greet him, to love him, to always cherish him.. He planned what to say when you returned the next day.

-----------

You were worried, even though Thor meant well. And you would've died without it. You need to reason with Loki. You ran to his room and did your usual embrace. You hugged him and kissed him only to find him just standing there stone faced with streaks of dried tears. You knew he saw the news..

You instantly explained everything. "Loki I promise you it was only for a disguise. I didn't even signed up for it! Your oaf of a brother started it and It was HIS idea!" You reasoned. Yet he still seemed betrayed. I mean you understood. "Loki.. I promised you it was a facade." "Was your whole relationship with me a facade too? He asked with tears in his eyes.

"No.. I Love you. I'll carve your name on my heart and I'd do anything for you..

But it escalated already..

"DON'T PRETEND TO LOVE ME. I'D RATHER GET HURT THAN LOSING THE ONLY PERSON TO CARE FOR ME!" "Just tell the truth Y/N, I can handle it"

"Loki, I promise you the truth is that I love you. I carved your name onto my heart if you'd ask for it. I'd do anything for you.." your hands swiftly moved atop your heart writing his name. He can't deny the fact he missed seeing you write, holding him instead of arguing. He knows you aren't lying but he can't handle it. You pretended to care so much, tracing nothing on your heart but lies.

"If you loved me you would've not gone with Thor." He knew though that you didn't have an option. "I can't choose who I go with, If so I would've chose you." Tears started to flow out of your eyes. Your gorgeous, gorgeous eyes.. I hate to see you cry and I dont know who I am anymore.. He thought to himself

"If you really cared you would rather die than hurt me. And you still hurt me. AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH?"

"LOKI YOU'VE DRAGGED MY NAME THROUGH MUD AND STORMS YET I STILL STAND BY YOU AGAINST THE WORLD, ASGARD, THE AVENGERS, MY OWN FAMILY. haven't I done enough..?" You said with tears flowing harder and your voice cracking on that last line

"I love you.. I love you. If you want me dead I would die for you a thousand times and my heart would always still be yours and yours only. Even if yours isn't mines."

"Y/N Stop with pretending to care. For all I care you'd rather hurt me than yourself." He said still stone faced and tears flowing down slowly

"I COULD'VE DIED ON THAT MISSION LOKI! ATLEAST BE GRATEFUL I'M BACK TO YOU AND NOT THOR." You cried out hopelessly

Loki doesn't know how he lost his control but he shouted at her saying "YES I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN BUT FOR ALL I CARE I'D RATHER HAVE YOU DEAD THAN BEING WITH MY BROTHER! JUST K!LL YOURSELF OR SOMETHING I DON'T CARE"

You were hurt. The others outside heard. Nat ran and barge in to grab you.. you slowly said only he could hear "I would if that meant you'd be happy. I would. I love you. Only you.."

"YOU DON'T KNOW THE POWER OF THAT LOVING MOUTH OF YOURS I WOULD DIE FOR ALL I CARE" your last remark.

Nat calmed you down. Wanda ready to kill him. "Y/n we told you he's bad news." Tony said. "I know. But all he says is true. All he said from the start were earnest. I don't know if the person I was talking to was him. His heartbeat sounded off and for all I know Thor is somewhere in Asgard. So i can't go to him."

-----

You decided to walk to the roof, you two's favorite spot to see him use his magic on the sky. This time you'd ought to give it a try. You opened a wound on your hand, using your blood to create a blood moon. "The power you hold beloved. I love you.."

You decided to head back to your room to write a note using ink and your blood saying "The power that loving mouth of yours has, you're words stung Loki. We both know you were out of your mind. But I thought you'd never go as far as to see me dead. But if that what you wish, you will see my blood once a year on our anniversary. Where the moon turns red. As when it used to turn green. With you i'm just blood and bone. Nothing more. Nothing less. No feelings, no care for anything but you. You wish to see me dead, and you shall. (17 of November, 02.56, the time you asked me to be your girlfriend)

The clock shown 02.50. You ran to the roof where you said your last words.. "I love you Loki Laufeyson. Through hell and back my heart would always be yours even if yours does not belomg to me" your hands moved forming a fist. Only hardening as your heart was slowly crushed. As painful as it is. It wasn't as painful as those words his loving mouth has said. The last words you heard from him.. You couldn't take the last pain anymore. You screamed in agony, in pain. When the Avengers reached you up on the roof. They only saw you falling to your knees, dying. When they got to hold you, you were lifeless in Wanda's arms. Your sister. Who now promised to bring you back someday. And to harm Loki's life. She lost her brother. And now her younger sister. The moon was red. As the blood bleeding on your arm. "I swear I'll hurt you in ways you wouldn't have thought was possible Loki"

The very next day Loki reappeared in the tower to say he was sorry and that he was half-drunk. Only to find the avengers all wearing black, about to head out to your funeral in your favorite garden in Sokovia. Loki was confused, "Stark, whose funeral are you attending" His eyes showed nothing but confusion before Tony responsed, "Your girlfriend dummy. You killed her. She left a note on your table. And Thor will escort you back to Asgard or whatever.. and you're not the only one losing her. She was like my little sister, and she was Wanda's. She was a part of the avengers, the strongest. So don't pretend to regret killing her. We heard you"

"Brother.. Is that true. Is she really dead..?" "Yes. Why do you always never think about other people's feelings but your own Loki? Look what you've done. I'm burying my sister.." Loki decided to walk to his room and read the note at your funeral. He wanted to attend. Yet the Avengers banned him from attending. His heart can't take it.. How could they? He was your lover.. was. That word stained his life more than any other word besides the I love you from you. He swore to never speak again. Only to cry when he read your note and saw the avengers having your heart on display. His name was truly written on it with Grisha saints gold blood..

Memories flood back to him. The moment where he'd shown you his tricks with Seiðr. And how you would calm him down by slowing his pulse and how you would get rid of his scars and only revealed it to her and her only.

He again cried.. knowing his last words to you ended your life. And now he has no one. Even his brother now hates him..