#kaz brekker needs therapy

[bytaylorswift]

an unwilling shadow.

pairing: inej ghafa x fem!reader summary: when dirtyhands’ most trusted spider returns to ketterdam, his new informant seeks to size up her predecessor. word count: 1.06k

y/n’s always been very aware of the standard she has to live up to.

kaz brekker didn’t seem to trust a person more than he trusted inej ghafa. his wraith, his spider, his friend.

but now the girl's away at sea, freeing indentures and being a hero, kaz brekker needs a new informant.

kaz never called y/n his spider. it was something she felt grateful for, but it didn’t stop others from doing so. and as much as y/n - and kaz - tried to ignore it, the impact of the words still seeped into the roof she perched on, the crates she hovered behind, the windowsills she scaled.

and the pressure was getting to her.

y/n had slit one too many throats. scraped one too many injuries. missed one too many messages. all thanks to her getting in her own head about inej ghafa.

and so, when her inside man from fifth harbor informed her that a young suli woman, small and silent, was to arrive in ketterdam that morning, y/n knew this was her chance to scope out inej.

she did not realise inej was going to be the most beautiful woman she had ever seen.

y/n almost bailed right there and then, from where she lingered in the shadows at fifth harbour, too stunned to move. and then inej began to slip through the crowds and she remembered why she had come in the first place.

she tailed the girl through a number of alleyways, learning her pacing, the moments at which she'd speed up or slow down or melt away into the shadows.

and when she had begun to learn inej's pattern, she allowed herself to seep into the open. y/n timed the moments right; the flash of her jacket showing when inej's eyes darted to the left, scuffing her shoes when she paused to listen for followers, crossing wide around corners and matching every change in inej's pace.

and so when y/n followed inej around yet another corner and the girl was nowhere in sight, she knew her plan had worked perfectly. she stopped dead still in the middle of the alleyway, fighting away a smile and dragging her eyes across the rooftops to try and glimpse the wraith.

knives were unsheathed from behind her and y/n whipped around to find inej stood directly in front of her. she had no idea how she managed that.

y/n felt something in her chest flutter as their eyes met. and then inej’s gaze sharpened.

“you’ve been following me.”

y/n bowed her head forwards ever so slightly, holding her hands up in surrender.

“you caught me.”

y/n couldn’t help but hide a smile at the glint of triumph in inej’s steady gaze. inej straightened up and as her long dark hair fell over her shoulder, y/n felt the same fluttering in her chest.

“here’s a tip: if you want to follow someone without being caught, you need to-” inej trailed off as a smirk slipped onto y/n’s lips.

inej’s shoulders slumped slightly but she maintained the hard look in her eyes. “you wanted me to notice you.” she realised aloud.

y/n shrugged a little. “maybe i wanted to meet your pretty face.”

“i wish i could say the same.”

inej's eyes widened as she realised what had slipped from her mouth. she hadn’t meant the girl didn’t have a pretty face too, simply that she wasn’t intending on any spontaneous meetings on her trip to ketterdam. but the damage was already done.

“you’ve a mean tongue, inej.” y/n winced.

“what business?” she demanded, willing away the warmth in her cheeks.

"no business, just curiosity." inej's eyes narrowed at that, but y/n continued. "your reputation precedes you."

"what's that supposed to mean?"

"it means i'm your-"

“-inej,” a rough voice cut the air, and y/n had to force back a sigh at her boss's timing. “i see you’ve met my new informant.”

inej’s eyebrows shot up, barely, the only sign she was surprised at that information. but y/n was watching her so closely she could see every morsel of expression in her face.

kaz's cane hit the ground as he settled a few feet away. neither one had heard him approaching. although, y/n wondered if she hadn't heard him because she was simply distracted by inej.

“i have.” she replied, matter of factly, in such an endearing way that y/n couldn’t bring herself to be mad.

"this is y/n." he introduced, tilting his head to indicate the girl.

"that's why you were following me, y/n?" y/n thought her name sounded like honey on inej's lips. "were you sending someone to spy on me, kaz?"

"always good to know what you're matching up to." y/n answered before kaz could, with a shrug. "no spying. well, none beyond the spying i did do."

inej's expression gave nothing away. kaz's eyes narrowed at her then, and she felt the urge to shrink away, knowing what was to come next.

"y/n, my dear, when were you going to tell me inej had arrived?"

"i was just on my way to the crow club." she chimed back, not convincing herself let alone kaz, but he surprisingly let it slide.

"we should get back to the club. we have business awaiting."

inej bowed her head to him, then looked to y/n. a flicker of delight and amusement crossed her face as she tilted her head to y/n too and then turned away into the shadows to head to the crow club.

the quiet creaking of a drainpipe - only heard due to the deafening silence between dirtyhands and his informant - indicated that inej had turned to the rooftops for the remainder of the journey to the crow club.

neither y/n or kaz moved nor said a word. and then, when y/n felt like enough time had passed for her to continue after inej, her boss's voice sounded out.

"y/n."

there was an unfamiliar tone in kaz's voice that jolted y/n. it almost sounded like genuine, friendly amusement.

"were you flirting with my wraith?"

there it was again. the genuine, friendly amusement.

kaz was biting back a laugh as y/n's face flushed violently red and she craned her head up to look at the rooftops to see if the other girl was still hiding away in the shadows.

"kaz brekker."

"yes, y/n?"

"i am going to murder you."

a/n: okay so originally i thought this was really cute but now i’m starting to think it’s not. let me know what you think! all i know is inej is the love of my life and she deserves far more love than she gets on here.

[six-of-cringe]

Something that is sad but also that I hugely appreciate about CK is that by the end, most of the systems that harmed the crows are still in place, but their relationships with themselves have grown and changed. I find this particularly interesting in the cases of Jesper and Wylan (shocking I know). Their identities still put them in danger of being exploited or harmed - Grisha indentures are still the norm in Kerch, and the auction scene made it very clear that if the Council knew Wylan's illiteracy was true, they would treat him much the same as his father did due to the culture surrounding productivity and ability. This might seem disheartening, but the hope lies in the shift in how these characters see themselves and their role in the world. By the end of the book, Jesper and Wylan are beginning to put away their internalized shame surrounding their identities. They may still have to hide who they are from the world to survive, but they're no longer hiding it from themselves - their true selves are no longer this crushing burden they have to turn away from to function. A general theme of the series is how, in accepting who they are and what has happened to them on a personal level, the crows place themselves in positions to make change on a systemic level - Inej and her ship, Nina and her mission, Kaz and his Barrel empire, Wylan and Jesper with their political, high-society empire. None of them are all the way there yet by the end - they're still healing, and both the loss of Matthias and the weight of those oppressive systems are going to weigh on them for a long time - but we get to see the very beginnings of that process. I'm going to bite someone.

[insonniacaotica]

I sent Kaz to therapy- That's it. That's the whole fanfic. So why did this become the saddest Kanej scene I've ever written? (I only know how to write fluff and angst, and it's painful)

[neptune-scythe]

y'all ever think about how Kaz being alive on the reapers barge and screaming for help that went unheard is a metaphor for ones inner child buried amidst the corpses of the person one used to be?

now you have

you're welcome

[fanaddicted2000]

Kaz braids Inej’s hair. It’s a fact.

It's both their way of shredding part of their armor and meeting in the middle.

I imagine Inej sitting on Kaz's desk as he finishes the day's paperwork, rebraiding her hair. Her eyelids are heavy and her fingers lack their usual grace, she doesn't even tease him when he stares at her. Maybe it's the faint scent of the sea on her, maybe it's the way the light of the setting sun dances on her skin, maybe he's just feeling brave that day, but Kaz takes off his gloves. May I? he asks as he reaches for her, palms up and slowly. Inej blinks a few times, surprised but not frightened, not hesitant per se... thoughtful. After a moment, she nods and Kaz breathes deeply. She follows his hands as he touches her hair, gently unraveling the loose plait to start again. He combs her hair briefly before parting it, his fingers moving with confidence. Focused, he watches her closely for any sign of discomfort, and she watches him in return, anchoring herself in the moment by the softness of his gaze upon her before her eyes flicker shut with a deep sigh. How did you learn? she asks, and his answer rolls off his tongue before his brain can filter it. I watched you. He had seen her do it a hundred times, memorized it since the second time. Inej blushes and he clears his throat, Who would have thought that these lockpicking hands could be used for something else? he snorts bitterly, but I did, she says quietly, and if he blushes, no one has to know.

[thedesertpenguin]

I’m very normal about “if you die we don’t get paid”. Very normal.

[erde-an-sckripta]

Can we please talk about that moment in s&b s1e8 when Zoya announced she had to go back to Novokribirsk to look for whats left Kaz litterally says

"It's dangerous to go looking for the dead. What you see may haunt you for the rest of your days."

I am 99% sure he thinks about that night in the boat and Jordie and his own traumatic experience because it still haunts him that's literally why he is wearing gloves and Inej just looks at him as if she knew he's also talking about himself, she just doesn't know the exact events and cirrcumstances yet and I won't be conviced otherwise

[ladyknightellen]

It's a Mobility Aid...Not a Fucking Prop!!!

I guess it's just my brand at this point to go mia for a few weeks, then come back with a rant about some new, mildly infuriating realization I've had.

This particular realization is one that's kind of been buzzing in the back of my head as something that was kind of off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was until now. The 'aha' moment came when I was looking for pictures of Kaz Brekker to add to my collection of stickers on my binder for school. As I scrolled through, I began to notice a frustrating trend in the fan art...

Kaz Brekker, a canonically disabled character, who uses a cane to walk is consistently being drawn holding his cane as if it's just a prop, or a weapon, rather than what it actually is A GODDAMN MOBILITY AID!!!!

And before you start with 'but he hits people with it' I'm going to stop you right there. Yes, he does use it as a weapon sometimes, and it's even described in canon as being designed with the intention of using it as a club if needed, but it's still a cane. It is still a mobility aid that he needs TO WALK, and when you treat it like nothing more than a prop or a weapon, you erase a very important aspect of who Kaz is as a character, and honestly, as a cane user with chronic pain myself, it feels almost violent to see how often it happens.

Whenever I see art of Kaz standing with his cane in his hands like a billy club, or holding it across one or both shoulders, all I can think about is how much pain he would be in to hold a position like that without using the cane for support. At numerous points in the books during Kaz's pov chapters, we get several very detail descriptions of what it feels like for him on a daily basis as a result of his chronic pain. We also get several instances of how it feels when he has his cane taken from him, when he uses it to fight, or when he's disguised and doesn't want to give himself away. We see the toll it takes on his body to do this, and he always pays for it later.

Kaz does not swagger around Ketterdam with his cane over his shoulder, occasionally taking a swing at rival gang members. If this is the image you have in your head of him, please, I beg you to get rid of that image. Kaz is DISABLED. He has severe chronic pain and walks with a heavy limp and that cane is making contact with the ground on every step. Based on the kind of injury he had, I would imagine that his injured leg might even be a bit shorter than the other, which would possibly be evident in a visible lack of symmetry in the height of his shoulders. And that's just one possible way it could affect his body beyond just his leg that would be outwardly visible.

There are many more, but the point is that injuries like the one Kaz experienced can affect the entire body even with the best care and therapy, and Kaz didn't have any of that. I'm not asking you to be a medical expert just to draw fanart, but I am begging you think about things like this and at the very least, PLEASE draw the mobility aid being used as a mobility aid, not a prop. Stop erasing and sanitizing what little representation we have. If you think it makes him 'look more badass' or whatever to have his cane over his shoulder, I kind of don't really care.

P.S. And don't use the tv show as a reference because Freddy Carter is yet another example of a non disabled actor playing a disabled character.

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

hey! i love your posts! i was wondering if you could possibly do an analysis on the infamous bathroom scene? why does kaz choose this time to get close to inej and help her with her bandages? do you think he went in with the intention to try and give her physical affection or did it just happen? why does he choose to kiss her neck and is there significance to that? no rush, but i’d love to hear your thoughts!

Thanks so much for your question! I know you said I rush but it really has been a long time so I’m so sorry this took forever, but let’s go!

So the bathroom scene begins very specifically parallel with one of the earliest scenes of Six of Crows, when Kaz is washing in his room at the Slat and Inej walks in to deliver him news, and I think this is supposed to give us a sense of finality. It increases the tension, because at this point the reader is very aware that not everyone is necessarily going to survive Kaz's plan and having this echo could therefore look something frighteningly like closure to prepare us for losing one or both of the pair. Now this can be interpreted as a red herring, Leigh Bardugo is the queen of hitting where the mark’s not looking and she feeds us a lot of red herrings to hide her actual foreshadowing (I made a post about it a while ago now but in summary she’s a genius), and this could definitely be an extension of that to draw attention away from Matthias, similarly to how she focuses on the possibility of Matthias losing Nina a lot more than she does Nina losing Matthias, or it could be a hark back to Inej looking at the murals of animals running in circles in Six of Crows, describing them as “destined to chase each other for as long as the Ice Court stood” (or along those lines sorry I don’t have my books with me at the minute) as a metaphor for her and Kaz’s relationship. I think that the cyclical nature of this scene is meant to reference that in order to suggest that actually they have found a way to break the cycle, because they succeeded at the Ice Court, they metaphorically brought it down and so the cycle is broken, and the fact that there are several distinct differences between these parallel scenes enhances that for me.

This scene is only given to us in detail from Kaz's POV, whereas the early scene is from Inej's, and in each case the opposite character is arguably in the more vulnerable appearing position. In the first scene Kaz is shirtless, washing blood off himself, and Inej is actively discomforted by the immodesty of the interaction between them. In the bathroom scene, Inej has removed her tunic and I believe is wearing a tank top, which for her is a massively vulnerable way to be seen because she covers most of her skin all the time - particularly her arms because of her scars from the removal of the Menagerie tattoo. By this point the scars has been removed by Nina when she was high on parem, but that doesn't make Inej's psychological connection to them end and it definitely doesn't decrease her feeling of vulnerability when her skin is on show. There's also the added tension of Inej being injured in this scene. Although both scenes are in the aftermath of danger, the bathroom scene has a far stronger sense of the further danger to come than the earlier one did, since at the time we knew so little of the heist and the plan. Inej's injury solidifies this and makes the danger feel constant and real, as well as intensely increasing her vulnerability in a way that she is very aware of.

The fact that Kaz chooses now to get close to her intensifies this sense of danger and makes the reader very aware that Kaz Brekker, the Bastard of the Barrel, the man we have witnessed successfully breaking in and out of the Ice Court, cutting out a man's eye, scaring a small child so badly she'll probably need therapy as an adult, murdering, thieving, and being so committed to his plans that he swallowed and regurgitated a set of lockpicks without a second thought, is actually, genuinely terrified that he won't come back from the next stage of his plan. In fact he's so terrified that he has decided to face the only other thing that frightens him, so that if he dies today at least he tried. I'm not sure if he went in with the intention of moving from helping her with the bandages to physical intimacy, because even the bandages alone would be a huge step for him. It's possible that once he'd committed to helping her with the bandages anyway, that he decided to push himself as far as possible in case he never got another chance. Possibly if he'd taken things in smaller steps he would have been able to cope with helping her today, and then know that he could help her again, and maybe one day after that he'll be able to kiss her. But one of the things that makes this moment so beautiful is that this is a snippet of time where Kaz and Inej are the only thing that exist, there is no future and if they try hard enough maybe there can be no past, maybe there can just be the present, there can just be this. Kaz takes these steps now becasue he doesn't see a chance to do it again, and although this does wonders to enhance the importance and the beauty of the scene it is also terrifying as a reader to face the very real possibility of Kaz not coming back.

I’m really glad you mentioned him kissing her neck because I do think it’s possibly symbolic and quite meaningful. Whilst both of them struggle with physical contact to different capacities, it’s important to note that whilst Kaz’s fear of contact has made intimacy a seeming impossibility for him, for Inej it’s intimacy itself that’s the biggest influence on her pain. She struggles with any contact she isn’t prepared for beforehand, but only ever finds it worth explaining when it’s a form of intimacy - “the first time Nina hugged me, I flinched”. Even though Inej consents in the scene and doesn’t, at least not vocally or physically and therefore not to the reader’s knowledge, change her mind, she never initiates anything. I think this is important because it forces Kaz to be the one who handles the initial contact; if she touched him skin-on-skin without him forcing himself to do so first then he probably would have shut down and panicked a lot sooner because he wasn’t in control. But he also shows such an important understanding that Inej also needs some level of control. And that control comes in her decision to return the kiss. If he kissed her lips she would be forced to face the prospect of her worst fear “would she kiss him back? Could she be herself in such a moment or […] a doll in his arms, a girl who would never quite be whole”. (Again, sorry, operating on memory alone for the quotes). By kissing her neck, Kaz is able to create this moment of sensuality without taking control of it any more than he needs to for his own sake, making sure that the choice always remains hers. It also makes me think of when Nina kisses Matthias on the neck whilst searching his pockets for parem, when she says that she didn’t kiss his lips because she would not let the drug take that from her. Leigh Bardugo establishes this kiss on the lips as something powerful early on in the book and it comes into play once again here, with Kaz and Inej acknowledging that kind of connection to be a far more symbolic one for them than an initial contact is. In much the same way that Kaz refused to be the one to mark Inej again, he will not be the one to kiss her lips and create a situation she is unprepared to deal with. Ultimately, he has to be able to touch her skin first, and she has to be able to kiss his lips first.

Ok I wasn't one hundred percent sure how I was going to go about this and then suddenly all of that was on the page, but I think what I'm going to do now is pick some specific quotes or moments from the scene to talk about.

"I don't have the words to thank you" "I'm sure the Suli have a thousand proverbs for such an occasion" "words have not been invented for such an occasion" "if I end up on the gallows you can say something nice over the corpse" - honestly not sure if I have anything to say about this I just love this conversation so damn much

"if that were true my shadow would have put Ketterdam in permananent night" "maybe. or maybe your someone else's shadow" "You mean Pekka" - I feel like I talk about Kaz being Pekka's shadow an awful lot but I am just so obsessed with the idea, they are literary foils but there are also such important distinct differences between them it’s just incredible

“I don’t sell girl into brothels, I don’t con helpless kids out if their money” “look at the floor of the crow club, Kaz,” - okay so of the same vein and again I feel like I talk about it a lot, in fact it’s literally what inspired the entire fic im writing (if you wanna read it all the chapters are tagged under “Maya Olsen oc”) but these lines are so goddamn heartbreaking I will never get over them

“How could she still look at the world that way?” - it’s just really interesting to me to have this direct address of comparison of the way their view has been shaped by their experiences, particularly as I’ve talked a lot about Inej having to come to terms with the idea that what happened to her isn’t just a cruel part of the world but an individual piece of a cruel world especially with seeing the “Rare Spices” billboard using hyper-sexualised Suli women to sell the products (I made a whole post on that too) and yet still she sees hope in the world. A lot of this I think is to do with her faith, because instead of believing that there can be no god or saints or other form of deity because of the cruelty in the world, as Kaz does (it’s confirmed that he prayed as a child but is obviously now very atheistic, though we don’t get a lot of detail about what religion he may or may not have practiced), a big part of Inej’s path to hell by is believing that fate planned this for her so that it would lead her to stopping it from happening to others. I struggle with this idea because it seems to imply that it makes her pain worthy of going through when obviously no-one should ever have to experience such trauma, but there are many different ways of interpreting this and personally I don’t think that Inej believes her Saints did this to her for a reason but that she believes they have found a reason for her to continue after after the fact and given her a cause in order to help her through her experiences. I hope this makes sense it’s starting to feel a bit ramble-y

Oh my god I just wrote loads after that and it didn’t save. Oh my god no I can’t believe it I’ve been writing for so long 😭 ok erm… oh god I’m so annoyed right now I can’t remember everything I wrote and it was so much like I’d nearly got to the end of the chapter doing a quote by quote analysis. Ok I’m going to try and reconstruct what I did but please bare with if this isn’t my best work because usually I write very freely when I do these and just throw whatever comes into my head into the page so cautiously trying to think back to what I said originally might make it come across a bit stilted.

I can’t believe I’ve done this 😭

“The distance between them felt like nothing. It felt like miles” - his internal conflict is so brilliantly written and it’s so heartbreaking; the way this is far too close but it’s much too far away

“Graceful as always. A girl underwater” - again this internal conflict, the way she’s underwater because her movements are fluid but she’s also underwater because to touch her it to drown

“His gloves lay discarded […] they looked like dead animals”

“Maybe he would never get to the Slat. Maybe this would kill him.”

“Inej’s eyes were wide and dark. Lost planets. Black moons” - I will never shut up about the fact that soc starts with Joost wishing Anya had blue eyes instead of brown so they were easier to compliment, and then the two books are absolutely overflowing with Kaz and Inej describing each other’s beautiful brown eyes

“It’s shame that eats men whole. He was drowning it. Drowning in the Ketterdam harbour”

“Even now a boy will smile at me on the street, or Jesper will put his arm around my waist, and I feel I’m going to vanish,” - this is such and important moment, this scene is the most vulnerable and open Inej ever is out loud and I think it’s such a massive concession to her trust in Kaz. I think that, especially because the scene is written from Kaz’s perspective, we get a lot more emphasis on his struggle than on Inej’s and although it’s really important to discuss Kaz I do think that sometimes we tread a thin line of focusing on him at the expense of losing focus on Inej and it’s so massively important to acknowledge both of them. This is also one of the things that I think was the biggest downfall of the way the writing in shadow and bone season 2 treated Inej, although I absolutely adore the show and I think that everything Amita Suman does shows that she understands the character in a deep and beautiful level, I also think it’s so so important to realise that not once in either season does that script actually state that the Menagerie is a brothel. One of my friends who hasn’t read the books didn’t get the full picture of Inej’s backstory until I filled in some small gaps for her because the writing just didn’t do her full justice, and I think that’s really unfortunate not least because it means that to some who hasn’t read the books a lot of Inej’s actions in season 2 would come across as her trying rush Kaz into something he isn’t ready for when that isn’t the situation in the slightest

“The room tilted. He clung to the tether of her voice” - I’ve seen a lot of stuff online about the focus points of contact between grishaverse couples and the way their represented, for example with Malina it’s their hands (the way they hold hands as Alina is grabbed by Volcra and it amplifies her power, the way they reach to intertwine their fingers in the meadow, etc). And most of these label the eyes as Kanej’s focal point of contact, and whilst I agree with that I also think that the voice is a massively underrepresented one, especially from Kaz’s perspective. It’s Inej’s voice that helps him work through his panic attack in soc and it’s Inej’s voice that keeps him afloat now, arguably because it’s a form of connection between them that requires no closeness or input, it just exists and can be relied upon.

“I live in fear that I’ll see one of her… one of my clients on the street. For a long time I thought I recognised them everywhere. But sometimes I think what they did to me wasn’t the worst of it” - okay I want to warn you guys now I wrote a long and in depth analysis on this quote and I was incredibly passionate and very proud of it so I’n really really annoyed it didn’t save, and I’m sorry because my analysis now is probably not going to live up to what I wrote earlier but here we go:

For me, this is a massively important quote and there are two ways to read it. Firstly, that when she refers to “her” Inej means Heleen but edits her words as a continuation of this vulnerability she is forcing herself to share. The second is going to link to something I said a while ago about how we could compare a separation of “Inej” and “The Wraith” to the separation of “Kaz” and “Dirtyhands”, but this is a bit more like the separation of “Rietveld” and “Brekker”. Inej talks a lot about how she would leave her body behind to exist only in her mind, in passages I find particularly reminiscent of passages in The Handmaid’s Tale (although please note soc is not very explicit whereas tht is incredibly explicit). But to take that idea further, I think there are certain hints, and I think this is possibly the biggest one, to imply that one of Inej’s ptsd responses it to actually view herself today as a separate entity from who she was during her indenture, effectively saying ‘yes these things happened to this body but they didn’t happen to this mind so that should make it easier’ to herself, which is massively self-destructive in nature because it almost creates this idea that she needs to get over who she once was and move on, very similar to the way Kaz Brekker represses Kaz Rietveld. Arguably, what she’s saying is the worst of it is this fracturing of the self that has been created by what they put her through and that she cannot seem to escape from. Now obviously I don’t know the intent behind Leigh Bardugo’s words and I want to be very clear that there are different possible interpretations of this, this one in particular does happen to more darkly resonate with her ptsd that does not make it correct or incorrect but I think it’s worth considering, especially when it adds another layer to the parallels between her and Kaz.

Ok I’m not going to write out the full quote because it’s quite long but starting from the line “Tante Heleen wasn’t always cruel” - now I talked about this a bit in my post about a comparison between Inej and Wylan as subsequent to a comparison between Heleen and Van Eck, but very specifically in this passage Inej describes this horrifying, heart-shattering image of the way Heleen attempted to instil something akin to Stockholm Syndrome within the girls at the Menagerie, by forcing them to believe that she was their only hope for survival, that she was kinder to them than anyone else would be, that they had to prove they deserved to stay with her, that any abuse she brought down on them came from a place of some kind of twisted love or care because she had to do this to make them understand, that if they would just be good and if they would just understand then she wouldn’t have to hurt them but they won’t do they are forcing her to do this. It’s so painful and it tells us so much detail about Inej’s experience without actually going into tiny explicit details.

“Feeling regret and release as he broke contact with her skin” - again so brilliantly highlighting his internal conflict

“He could feel the warmth of her on his fingers like fever” - if I had a list of my favourite similes in literature… well it would be very long, but this would be on it!!! The subtlety and yet emphasis on Kaz’s internal conflict is so beautifully written here, with the warmth of her flesh against his creating this sensual atmosphere but the comparison of it to fever, to the illness that killed Jordie and took Kaz to the Reaper’s Barge, adds to the way the reminder of his pain is threaded through every moment even when he isn’t physically suffering a flashback, it’s just constantly present and inescapable

“That rapid pulse fluttering in her throat. Alive. Alive. Alive” - agaiiiiiiiiiiiin with the so brilliantly written internal conflict I will never get over. The entire scene is at war with itself, every sentence at odds with its own content. The sexual tension created in the image of the fast heart rate and the way this makes you feel alive versus the desperate need to keep reminding himself that she is alive and breathing she is not a body on the Reaper’s Barge.

Ohhhhh just the whole description of Kaz saying “after all she’d endured, he was the weak one” and explaining the pain of watching the others able to hold each other, how difficult it is to see Nina hug her and Jesper out his arm around her genuinely makes me want to cry, it resonates so sadly with the scene when they arrive at the Geldrenner and all the others are hugging and so happy to see each other alive, and Nina says that even if Kaz isn’t happy to see them they’re happy to see him, meanwhile Kaz is in a war of self loathing because he so intensely fears that they hate him because they think he hates them but he has no way of expressing himself and it’s just ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you know?

“He watched that pulse, the evidence of her heart”

The whole passage that follows this moment I can’t explain it any other way than I feel like I’m melting every time I read it. I saw a Tumblr post someone had put on Pinterest recently and if I find it again I’ll put the op username in the comments but it basically said that when a writer can write something that isn’t a sex scene as if it’s a sex scene that it’s kind of magical and I think in a lot of ways this resonates massively with this scene

Ugh and then I want to cry again when he can’t cope and the I ability to express himself becomes anger and becomes descriptions of violence. This is the only time we get a full feel for the absolute unending mess of Kaz’s theist for revenge; it’s never enough, not the banks, not the attorneys, not the man from the cafe, not the boy who lured them in, not Margit, not Saskia, and Pekka Rollins won’t be. I always wonder if it’s important that we’re never told what he did to Saskia. We know that the roper was tortured and left dead with “the key to a wind up dog shoved down his throat” so we know Kaz exercises some kind of poetic justice in his violence, and we see that in his revenge against Rollins too. Maybe he strangled her with a red hair ribbon. Maybe he never actually hurt her. Maybe he couldn’t bring himself to.

“You don’t ask for forgiveness Kaz. You earn it,” “and is that what you intend to do? By hunting slavers?” “By hunting slavers” - maybe it’s just because of the intonation choice on my audiobook (which btw is awesome shout out to the narrators of the audiobook love you guys) but this to me comes across as Kaz attempting to mock Inej in his harried, terrified, clearly losing control state and her so calmly standing her ground and standing by what she believes in

“His eyes scanned her face […] snatching at the pieces of her like the thief he was”

“But if he was going to die today maybe the one thing he’d earned was the memory of her, brighter than anything he would ever have a right to, to take with him to the other side.”

The way the last moments of the scene include him putting back in the gloves, reconstructing the armour

“He might as well go to meet his death in style” - this is gonna be out of tune with everything else I’ve said but damn what an icon love this line

“Whatever happens to me, survive this city. Get your ship, have your vengeance, carve your name into their bones, but survive this mess I’ve gotten us into.” - I may simply ✨cease to exist✨. But genuinely I’ve mentioned several times before about how the city of Ketterdam almost becomes it’s own character as the antagonist because ultimately it’s the system, not any individual, that has to be defeated and I think this quote highlights it so well. There are individual people that have to be dealt with and deserve everything that will be brought done upon them, but it’s the city itself that you have to watch out for or it will swallow you whole

I’m not going to go into detail about their tells because I’ve made a post devoted to them before and good lord this post is getting long, but I just want to emphasise that it’s a brilliant passage

“If you’ve ever cared about me at all, don’t follow” - I just absolutely adore that the next chapter starts with Inej following him mimicking these exact words I love her so damn much it makes giggle every time

“Inej was wrong about one thing. He knew exactly what he intended to leave behind when was gone: Damage” - *collapses* God I adore this there are no words

Ok wow if you made it this far thank you so much for reading this honestly I’m very impressed that you did because this is long. There are definitely details that I’ve lost because I had to require so much of it, which is a real shame but there’s still a lot to talk about here and I’ve written so much is possibly best for the sake of all our sanity’s that there isn’t more. Sorry I took so long to respond to your question but thank you so so much for asking it, I hope you all like this and that it at least made some sense because as I’ve said before these things often make more sense in my own head than they do on paper. Thanks for reading 💖

[rorygilmoreclown]

Cunk on Ketterdam

Prompt: I have a generous request to all of the great fanfiction writers that please for the love of God can you write something like all the Crows are getting interviewed in Cunk on Earth 😭 . I would love to see them being flabbergasted by the questions of Philomena. It can also be Crows x Reader, where the reader takes the place of Philomena. 

A/n: I tried my best. Will prolly make it a series since it’s such an interesting concept. Lmk which character you want next. I have more for Kaz Brekker also. 😭

Word Count: 497 words

Y/n: Welcome on the Ketterdam TV, Mr. Brekker. I have been informed to remind you from time to time that not giving us an answer would result in deduction of kruge from your share. 

Kaz: I understand. 

Y/n: Now let’s start from the basics, the first question is, how many birthday party performances do you have on your resume?

Kaz: For what reason would I go to a tiny terrors’ tumultuous tribute?

Y/n: No, it says here (checking your script) that you are a magician. So I assumed that you’d work at parties. 

Kaz: I’m not a magician. 

Y/n: Very well then, next question, would you audition for the play of Now You See Me 3? I heard they need a magician. Although you would have to do something other than card tricks. A character in the 2nd play has already accomplished that. 

Kaz: Is this a joke? I'll leave that to the performers with less refined tastes.

Y/n: You have a bit of an emo vibe don’t you. You’d fit right into the band My Chemical Romance. Now, I have to ask, do you think your name would be better if it was spelled with a 'z' instead of a 'k'? You know, like "Kaz the Kool Kid" or "Zaz the Zany Zebra"?

Kaz: (looking around at the exits so soon) I’d prefer if you would stick to Mr. Brekker. 

Y/n: Party pooper. Okay, moving on. I've heard you're a great leader of the Dregs, but have you ever thought about starting a band? I hear kazoo music is making a comeback.

Kaz: I’m quite satisfied with my current employment. 

Y/n: Does your mother agree with your profession? 

Kaz: 👁️👄👁️

Y/n: And that’s what I thought. That’s why I was suggesting alternatives. I want to know where you stand on diversity. Considering your employees are all diverse. 

Kaz: I pick my crows based on their work, and not those extraneous factors. 

Y/n: Is that why all of you have one thing in common?

Kaz: Yes, all of us are- 

Y/n: - (cutting him off) in dire need of therapy. 

Kaz: No, we don’-

Y/n: Producers told me you might be in denial. Moving on, when are you going to change the last name of your adopted child? 

Kaz: I don’t have a child. 

Y/n: My saints the denial phase is worse than I had thought. Although I’ll tell you, I was talking about your son, Wylan Van Eck. Is he not your child? And answer carefully, he might cry if you deny again.

Kaz: (not saying no but not saying yes either)

Y/n: I’ll take that as a “as soon as possible”. Now, at last, the most simple question. Do you keep saying “Hello Inej” every five minutes? 

Kaz: No. I do not. That is absurd. 

Y/n: (to the producers) I think you should offer him free therapy sessions, he desperately needs them. 

Taglist: @wrapperpaper @lady-ashfade

[kanejbr3kker]

Grishaverse characters at therapy (cause they need it)

Alina: Talks about all her friends' trauma but pretends hers is completely nonexistent

Mal: They have a really good conversation about all the happy things in his life, and then right at the end he brings up the whole "my girlfriend killed me'' thing

The Darkling: Says something creepy and fucked up and gets kicked out

Zoya: Comes in, sits in silence for thirty minutes, says "Kaz Brekker" and leaves

Nikolai: Tells his entire life story

Kaz: Inej forced him to go, he just sits in silence the entire time, and the only sound for an hour is him tapping his foot

Inej: Actually has a really wholesome conversation about everything she's been through and how to recover

Jesper: Only talks about Wylan's trauma

Wylan: Only talks about Jesper's trauma

Matthias: Sits in silence for ten minutes and then breaks down and starts talking about Nina

Nina: Is the therapist

[seidenbros]

Breaking the Ice - Chapter 15

Pairing: Wylan van Eck x Jesper Fahey

Summary: Wylans pirouette was flawless and when he picked up speed for his last jump, Jesper held his breath - and Wylan landed the quadruple toe loop. The jumps that followed afterwards were a bit blurry for Jesper, because he’d jumped up from his seat, Nina’s hand still in his, but he raised the other hand in a fist yelling: “Yes! My man!” “Your man, hm?” Nina asked once the cheers had died down a bit and they were sitting down again. Jesper’s eyes were still on Wylan, who was smiling up at them, knowing where they were sitting, before he took a bow and skated off the ice only to be hugged by his coach. “Doesn’t sound so casual to me anymore.” “Well…” Jesper licked his lips, trying to figure out what to say when he knew that Nina was right.

Warning/Tags: POV Jesper Fahey, POV Wylan van Eck, Alternate Universe - Hockey, Alternate Universe - Figure skating, Hockey Coach Kaz Brekker, injuries, Jan van Eck is the scum of the Earth, sexual content, implied child abuse

Read on AO3

Waking up next to Wylan for the second time was even better, he had to admit that. Especially because he got to kiss him awake this time, now that he was feeling a lot better. It was all thanks to Wylan, to the way he’d taken care of him the night before. He looked adorable and sexy at the same time with his dishevelled hair and rumpled sweater, because he hadn’t been able to take any of his clothes off due to Jesper falling asleep on top of him. In a way, he thought it was embarrassing, but on the other hand, Wylan had been an absolute champ all evening, so there was nothing really to be embarrassed about. At least, Wylan didn’t make him feel like there was.

As for the clothes, he had the chance to take them off this morning and thank Wylan properly for everything he’d done for him the night before, which he definitely didn’t take for granted.

Their morning together didn’t last long, though, because Wylan had to go to his therapy session, while Jesper had to get on a plane. Actually, Wylan had been supposed to travel with them, but with the competition on Friday and their game tomorrow, it was too risky, since they were only flying back Friday morning. They didn’t worry about their plane being late, since the weather wasn’t supposed to change that drastically. Snow had fallen last night, but there wasn’t any more snow predicted until the weekend so far. In fact, that had been a decision by their coaches, and Wylan wasn’t mad that he didn’t have to get on a plane, though the flights with Jesper had been quite alright.

“Text me after therapy? I might be on the plane by then, but I’ll see the message when I get off.” He wanted to know how Wylan would be feeling afterwards. He’d told him that therapy sessions could be draining, and he understood that. That was why it was all the more important for him to hear from Wylan afterwards, to check if he needed a bit of distraction, no matter that he wouldn’t be there in person.

“I will. Have a safe flight.” Wylan smiled up at him and took a step back, but Jesper wouldn’t let him go just like that.

They were standing in front of Wylan’s car, surrounded by snow, and Jesper just had to kiss him once more. Right now, he didn’t care if anyone saw them, because he needed that kiss, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to kiss him until Friday, until his competition.

“I’ll see you on Friday. I’ll just grab Matthias, and then we’ll head to the rink.”

“Okay.”

“And then I’ll be the one to give you a kiss for good luck.” He wanted to do this, wanted to give something back and be there for Wylan as well.

“Sounds good to me.” Wylan grinned at him, but then they both really needed to get going, no matter how reluctant Jesper was to let Wylan go. He even stood there a moment longer after Wylan had driven off, but then he managed to call a taxi to the airport.

He tried to close his eyes for a while on the plane, but it didn’t really work out. Maybe, because he’d gotten a lot of sleep at night. Once they’d landed and had arrived at their hotel, Kaz pulled him aside to talk to him for a moment. He just wanted to make sure that he was doing alright, and not just saying that. Jesper couldn’t keep the smile from his face when he told him that he’d gotten lots of rest - which wasn’t a lie, he just didn’t talk about the company he’d had. He was ready to play, and he’d prove it to Kaz in training. And he did. He was on top of his game, which was a relief for him as well, because he’d hoped that it wouldn’t hold him back at all.

Wylan had texted him after his therapy session, which had been a really good one apparently. He’d even gone to the rink to get some light training done, before he’d hit the ice with Inej tomorrow to get ready for his competition. That meant they’d both be rather busy, but that was probably a good thing. And in the evening, after the game, they’d be able to text, or maybe even talk on the phone. Yeah, he was looking forward to that.

When Jesper woke up, he already had a text from Wylan with a selfie attached that showed him still in bed, lying on his side, and Comet cuddled up to his chest. He stretched out on the bed and sent a selfie back, a grin on his face. There was a certain warmth spreading through him when he looked at the picture, his heart beating a little faster when he thought about Wylan. What he’d give to be in bed with him right now, just to hold him and start the day together.

That sounded an awful lot like a relationship, he had to admit that to himself. But would that really be so bad? Jesper didn’t exactly have a lot of experience when it came to proper relationships, but then again, he’d never felt what Wylan made him feel before. He just didn’t want to blow it, because he liked what they were having, and to be fair, they were still getting to know each other better.

At least, he could forget about all this when he was training with the team, and especially during the game. Only when he was sitting on the bench, he thought about Wylan and that he would have loved to have him here, because he’d gotten so quickly used to getting that good luck kiss before a game, but at least he’d gotten a voice message from him before that had put him in a really good mood.

Still, that didn’t really help with the outcome of the game, because they lost three to one. It was frustrating, so nobody really said a word on the way back to the hotel. They always knew that it was bad when Kaz ignored them. He hadn’t said a word in the locker room, and so everyone else had kept quiet as well. Jesper knew that they’d have a conversation at training on Saturday, that was for sure. It was understandable, though, because the goals could have been prevented, and they hadn’t seized their opportunities. They could have played better, and while Jesper had done his best, he knew that even he’d made some mistakes. Training with Wylan had helped him in a situation today, but there had been just too much that had gone wrong in the end. They’d have to be better next time, and that was what Kaz would tell them, as well as let them train extra hard.

With a sigh, Jesper settled down on the bed, stretching out his legs and putting a pillow behind his back so that he was sitting there more comfortably. When he pulled out his phone, he saw that he already had a message from Wylan. Instead of texting him back, he called him, because he needed to hear his voice.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Wylan asked him immediately after picking up the phone. He sounded a little sleepy, and Jesper could just picture him in bed in a cosy sweater, stretched out beneath the blanket. Maybe, he wasn’t even in bed, but he liked to picture him there.

“Hey… Alright I guess. Did you watch it?”

“Of course I did.”

Jesper should have guessed that much since Wylan was a hockey fan, a Crows fan. And that was probably why he asked him how he was feeling. Losing a game always sucked, but this time especially, though he couldn’t really tell why. He said: “Then you know how that went down. But it’s over, and I really don’t want to think about it anymore. Tell me about your day!” That was a lot more interesting for him, and he just wanted to listen to him for a moment, close his eyes and imagine him by his side.

“Well, I saw the other figure skaters today at training, because we all went through our routines, so it was nice to see them and see them skate as well. Well, mostly at least.” He heard Wylan hesitate, but before he could say anything, Wylan continued. “It was good to skate among them again, talk a little about the previous season and the upcoming competitions.”

“What do you mean with mostly?” Now, he had to ask. Something had definitely happened, or so it seemed, that Jesper wanted to find out about and hear.

“It’s nothing big really.” Wylan sighed softly. “I just saw someone again I… hooked up with once. Which shouldn’t be a big deal, but he was so arrogant and he always behaves like he’s better than anyone else, pretended he didn’t really know me, and I guess it just rubbed me the wrong way.”

Jesper was silent for a moment, while processing this. It wasn’t about the fact that Wylan had hooked up with someone - that was before they’d met, and Jesper had had his fair share of adventures as well, so he wasn’t one to judge - but the way it seemed to bother Wylan.

“So… he was something more?” Jesper asked carefully, genuinely curious, because he wanted to understand this better.

“No! No, not at all. It wasn’t even really good.” Wylan thought for a moment before he added: “That sounds mean now, and I don’t mean it that way, but—”

“Well, you’re with me now, so everyone else pales in comparison anyway,” Jesper said with a laugh, not really being serious about it, just lifting the mood a little.

“Everyone else really does,” Wylan answered, making Jesper’s heart nearly jump out of his chest. “But honestly, I just don’t like it when people pretend they don’t know someone like that.”

“You really know how to stroke my ego, you know that?” With Wylan, he knew that it wasn’t just empty words to flatter him, but he meant everything he said.

“I know how to stroke other things as well.”

“Wy!” Jesper groaned, but it was followed by a laugh, because it was so unexpected and therefore even hotter. “You really do know that. Saints, I wish you were here right now, so I could kiss you. And you could prove to me once more how good you are at stroking other things.”

“I’d love to prove that to you.” He could hear the grin in Wylan’s voice, heard him shuffle around a little bit.

“Guess we have something to catch up on when I’m back.” He sank a little more into the pillows and closed his eyes, once again imagining Wylan in his bed. “Are you in bed? Wearing one of those extremely comfy sweaters?” While he loved the things Wylan wore on the ice that accentuated his body perfectly, he liked seeing him in these cosy clothes that made him look even softer.

“Actually, I’m wearing your jersey.”

Now, that made Jesper’s heart skip another beat and his smile widen.

“Oh, that’s even better. It looks so good on you.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh yes. But right now, I’d rather take it off you.”

“That’s something I can do at least. If you’re not here, that’s something I’ll have to do.”

“You’re really making my imagination run wild, darling.”

“Well, we can just both let our imagination run free and have some fun.”

“You say the most wonderful things.” Holding the phone in his left hand, he let his right stroke down over his own body, opening the buttons of the shirt he’d had to put on after the game again. It was nothing he’d done before, but with Wylan, he was willing to try, and by the saints, it turned out to be fantastic. It was something he’d definitely do again when they weren’t together, because hearing Wylan’s voice on the other end of the line, knowing what he was doing, that he was touching himself while thinking about him while Jesper himself was doing the same thing… that was really somethin else. And also something that let him fall asleep with a very satisfied smile on his lips.

It was a completely different atmosphere at the rink when Jesper took his seat next to Nina the next day. Their trip home had been as quiet as the previous night, because Kaz hadn’t wanted to hear anything from the team, and they knew better than to piss him off even more. The arena was filled to with people, whether it was spectators who wanted to see the figure skaters in action, or supporters that had given money for this charity event, or family and friends like Nina, Matthias and him.

He’d texted with Wylan pretty much all day, trying to calm his nerves a little, because it was the first event where he’d perform on the ice since the last season. Inej was doing her best as well, and Wylan had told him that he was grateful for her.

“I’ll be back in a minute,” he said to the other two as he got up. Wylan had arranged for him to meet Inej at a certain time so that she could wave him through. As far as Jesper knew, she didn’t yet know what exactly was going on between them, but she knew that they’d gotten close over the last weeks due to working so closely together.

“Tell him we’re here and rooting for him,” Nina let him know before he left them. Of course, he’d tell him, though he was pretty sure that Wylan knew that anyway.

“How is he holding up?” he asked Inej as soon as he saw her, and she quickly led him to where Wylan was staying. Jesper knew the arena like the back of his hand, so he would have found him no matter where he’d be, but since he wasn’t a coach or a figure skater, people wouldn’t let him through. Well, if they knew who he was, they probably would allow him, but they didn’t want to risk anything.

“A little jittery, but he really wants to perform, so maybe you can help him calm down a bit.” Inej looked up at him once they reached the door. “I’ll give you a couple of minutes.”

“Thanks.”

Jesper watched her turn away, but then he didn’t waste any time to slip into the room. Seeing Wylan standing there and immediately turning towards him made his smile widen - even more so when he took a good look at him. Wylan was already wearing his skates, putting him nearly at Jesper’s height. He was clad in black pants and a dark green shimmering shirt that was skin tight and showed some of his skin on his chest and back. He knew that there was mesh fabric over it, but he could still see his skin, and that made his mind wander for a moment. His eyes grazed over Wylan’s neck, specifically one point where he’d left a mark, and he had to smirk because he’d apparently put some makeup over that spot. Jesper was showing his mark off, but refused to answer questions regarding it.

“You look stunning, Wylan!” Jesper finally managed to move instead of just staring at him, and Wylan closed the rest of the distance, almost flinging himself into his arms. “Hey, it’s not the first time you’re doing this, remember?”

Jesper wrapped his arms around him and just held him like this for a moment. In a way, Wylan seemed rather fragile right then, which was ridiculous, but it was probably the vulnerability he was displaying.

“I know. But I’m still nervous.” Wylan’s words were mumbled against Jesper’s chest. He really had to resist the urge to run his fingers through Wylan’s silky hair, because he was ready to step on the ice like this, so instead, he rubbed his palm over his back, trying to calm him down like this a little bit.

“Being nervous is okay, as long as you don’t take it on the ice with you.” He raised the other hand to place his forefinger under Wylan’s chin to make him look up at him. “You’re amazing at what you do, and you’ll show them just that. Besides, Nina, Matthias and I will be cheering you on.”

“It’s really good to have you here.”

“I told you we’d be here.” Luckily, the plane had left on time and they’d been able to go home, get ready and then come here. Jesper hadn’t wanted to miss this for the world. “You’ll do great, I know that. Show them what you learned.”

Before Wylan could say anything, Jesper sealed his lips with his own. Oh, how he’d missed this. How he’d missed Wylan to be precise. Having him in his arms and being able to kiss him felt like something was slotting into place inside of him, as if he’d arrived somewhere he’d been trying to get to for ages. Wylan’s fingers on his shoulders holding onto him made him sigh in pleasure against his lips.

“Thank you,” Wlan whispered when their lips parted again, still staying close to him.

“Told you you’d get that kiss for good luck.” Both of them shared a laugh, but then there was a knock on the door that made both of them break apart. Jesper didn’t really care who saw them, and he figured that it would be Inej anyway - and he was right, since she stuck her head through the door a moment later.

“We really need to get ready,” she told them and Wylan nodded, which made Inej step out again.

“When you’re done here, we could go out for dinner with Nina and Matthias if you want?” Jesper offered, trailing his fingertips over Wylan’s cheek, before he let his hand fall away.

“Can we just grab some food and head home instead? Kinda want you all to myself after that day.”

“Whatever you wish for.” Jesper just had to kiss him once more, that reaction making him so happy that he was ready to burst. He loved spending time with Nina and Matthias, but he was already looking forward to spending time alone with him. Maybe it was a little selfish, but it had been Wylan’s wish, not his own.

Once he was back in his seat, he told them about it, that they would have to get dinner together some other time, since Wylan wanted to head home after the competition. Both of them understood and they could just postpone dinner together, maybe even make it a dinner that Matthias was cooking for them, which would be even better.

They could make plans for that later on or some other day, because now they were all mesmerised by the performances. Jesper had missed the first one but he was only here for Wylan in the end. Of course, it was interesting to see the other performances as well, but his eyes would be glued to the ice once Wylan stepped on it.

It was different for him to be in the spectator’s seat. Usually, he was on the ice, or watching a hockey game from the sky box when he was injured, but this was  exciting and amazing as well, because he was supporting Wylan.

“Do you know what he’ll be skating to?” Nina asked him, since Wylan hadn’t mentioned it to her. Apparently, they’d had a lot of other things to talk about, and Jesper was pretty sure that he was one of those topics. Not that he minded, because Matthias and him were talking about Nina and Wylan as well.

“He said he’ll do his free skate from last season but with some adjustments. I don’t know what the adjustments will be in the end, but I know that we’re in for a treat.” Jesper had seen Wylan’s performances from the previous season, and then there had been the performance just for him, the short programme from this season. Granted, Wylan had fallen down, but that hadn’t been his fault. It had been a loose screw that had made him wobble and trip, and it had nothing to do with his skills.

After cheering for the girl who’d just finished her routine, it was Wylan’s turn. When he was announced, the whole arena erupted into cheers, but Jesper was pretty sure the three of them were the loudest. Since he was from Ketterdam, most people here were probably cheering for him, and that was always a great feeling. Jesper knew what he was talking about.

Seeing him on the ice, completely in his element when he waved at the crowd, all smiles, Jesper couldn’t take his eyes off him. He’d seen him skate before, he’d seen him perform, but this was still different. Maybe that was because he knew him a lot better now, because he was a part of his life in a way.

The whole rink fell silent and the music started. Jesper got chills when Wylan started to skate. He looked almost angelic, which was rather fitting to a song that was called Not About Angels. The way he moved was just so effortless, and when he landed his first jump, the whole arena erupted into cheers. Nina reached for Jesper’s hand, and he held it tight. All three of them were glued to Wylan, and Jesper was once again absolutely blown away by the emotion he portrayed with his movements as well as the expressions on his face.

Wylans pirouette was flawless and when he picked up speed for his last jump, Jesper held his breath - and Wylan landed the quadruple toe loop. The jumps that followed afterwards were a bit blurry for Jesper, because he’d jumped up from his seat, Nina’s hand still in his, but he raised the other hand in a fist yelling: “Yes! My man!”

Nobody really paid him any attention apart from the two people next to him. His heart was racing now that he realised just what he’d said, but at least he wasn’t the only one standing. All the other people had stood up as well to applaud Wylan for his wonderful performance.

“Your man, hm?” Nina asked once the cheers had died down a bit and they were sitting down again. Jesper’s eyes were still on Wylan, who was smiling up at them, knowing where they were sitting, before he took a bow and skated off the ice only to be hugged by his coach. “Doesn’t sound so casual to me anymore.”

“Well…” Jesper licked his lips, trying to figure out what to say when he knew that Nina was right. Yes, he liked the way it was, but at the same time, he didn’t want to date anyone else. He couldn’t even think of anyone else if he was being honest. There was only Wylan on his mind. “We both said that we like it the way it is. But I don’t want to see anyone else.” Maybe Nina wasn’t the right person to tell this, because she talked to Wylan about pretty much everything, but when it came to this, he was pretty sure that she’d leave it up to him.

“Tell him,” she said, reaching for his hand again to reassure him. “I’m sure he doesn’t want to see anyone else as well.”

Now, that sounded promising. It wasn’t exactly slipping into a relationship, but it meant being exclusive - officially. Jesper hadn’t so much as looked at anyone else since the Charity Gala and their time in the elevator. Still, they should probably keep watching out a little bit and not flaunt the fact that they were seeing each other, just to be on the safe side. The media loved stories like this, and he knew just how much the media could destroy.

As for tonight, that was Wylan’s night. Well, a night for charity, but since Wylan won, Jesper felt like the night belonged to him, and he was beyond proud. So were Nina and Matthias and when Wylan got the trophy that the fourth grade pupils had made for this competition, all three of them cheered extra loud for him.

[chaoticsomeone]

The power of that loving mouth of yours has

Loki Laufeyson x Heartrender Reader

Warning : Su!cide, Harsh words

(I've been obsessed recently with writing Grisha readers x characters so heres another one. And from now on I may specialize in writing Grisha readers)

Inspired by book0bsessedd (dolores on tiktok)

Character mad at the love interest and shouting to just k!ll themselves, and when they did.

He was always so gentle and loyal to you. He would always go out of his way to treat you as his queen, as his bethrothed.

He would use his seiðr to calm you down, and you would always do the same to him with your heartrending. Every day and every night you two were almost unseperable. Ever since you were tasked to interrogate him.

-------------------

"Talk or I crush your heart slowly" you threatened him.

"If you think that will make me talk you're wrong" he remarked. "Fine, and what if I just talked to you as how I would treat someone I love?, Would that make you reveal something?. I don't enjoy hurting people" you smiled softly as the last sentence left your mouth. You sensed an increase in his heartrate that slowly went down again. You approached him, sitting and telling him of your favorite book. You told him how Kaz Brekker reminded you of him. With his tough exterior he still have a heart and can love. Even if he won't show it to anyone.

"You remind me of Kaz Brekker, this one character. He walks with a limp and is brutal. He can kill someone with words just like you. But he still loves this girl. Weirdly enough he calls her an 'investment'. Tell me about your favorite book. Thor told me you love spending time in the Asgard Library." You looked at his eyes sincerely. His lips formed a small smile and told you stories Frigga used to read him. And the poems she'd taught him to help with his Seiðr.

You asked him more about Frigga, asking how much he loved her and all that. Making sure not to cross the border you strictly made. "If your mom taught you to help others, why did you resort to killing hundreds of people?" He looked tense. You knew you started a sensitive conversation.

He'd eventually open up to you. Everything and how he felt about everything

-----------------

Inseperable as always, when he goes on missions and you weren't invited you were almost always reading in his room. Until today Bucky asked you to talk. Since you were basically the therapist of the avengers. I mean you can ease someone's heart and pulse quite literally.

When you finished your session with Bucky you saw Loki watching. You smiled and ran up to him. Embracing him with a hug and a kiss to his lips. He reiterate as he smiled. "Darling, what was it you and that assasin were talking about?" "Oh just a therapy session. We all need one once in a while" You can see he'd always soften at your sincerity.

You spent the day resting on his chest as he read to you a book. The story his mom would read him every night. The next morning you had to leave early for a sudden mission only leaving a note behind which wrote

"Beloved, Stark gave me a mission early this morning and It was urgent and sudden. I'm so sorry for leaving without telling you. I just couldn't get myself to wake you up as you looked asleep soundly as always"

-----

He did his usual routine and started to read whilst listening to the news, only to find a picture of Thor hugging and kissing you on the head on the screen. He was hurt. Shocked. He didn't know what to react. Or how to react. He was lost. You'd always lead him back but today the reason was you.. The only person he had loved.. How dared you. His brother? Why him out of all people. As if you were doing it just out of spite.

How coule you his mind wandered again. You were the only person ever to actually love and cared for him. To greet him, to love him, to always cherish him.. He planned what to say when you returned the next day.

-----------

You were worried, even though Thor meant well. And you would've died without it. You need to reason with Loki. You ran to his room and did your usual embrace. You hugged him and kissed him only to find him just standing there stone faced with streaks of dried tears. You knew he saw the news..

You instantly explained everything. "Loki I promise you it was only for a disguise. I didn't even signed up for it! Your oaf of a brother started it and It was HIS idea!" You reasoned. Yet he still seemed betrayed. I mean you understood. "Loki.. I promised you it was a facade." "Was your whole relationship with me a facade too? He asked with tears in his eyes.

"No.. I Love you. I'll carve your name on my heart and I'd do anything for you..

But it escalated already..

"DON'T PRETEND TO LOVE ME. I'D RATHER GET HURT THAN LOSING THE ONLY PERSON TO CARE FOR ME!" "Just tell the truth Y/N, I can handle it"

"Loki, I promise you the truth is that I love you. I carved your name onto my heart if you'd ask for it. I'd do anything for you.." your hands swiftly moved atop your heart writing his name. He can't deny the fact he missed seeing you write, holding him instead of arguing. He knows you aren't lying but he can't handle it. You pretended to care so much, tracing nothing on your heart but lies.

"If you loved me you would've not gone with Thor." He knew though that you didn't have an option. "I can't choose who I go with, If so I would've chose you." Tears started to flow out of your eyes. Your gorgeous, gorgeous eyes.. I hate to see you cry and I dont know who I am anymore.. He thought to himself

"If you really cared you would rather die than hurt me. And you still hurt me. AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH?"

"LOKI YOU'VE DRAGGED MY NAME THROUGH MUD AND STORMS YET I STILL STAND BY YOU AGAINST THE WORLD, ASGARD, THE AVENGERS, MY OWN FAMILY. haven't I done enough..?" You said with tears flowing harder and your voice cracking on that last line

"I love you.. I love you. If you want me dead I would die for you a thousand times and my heart would always still be yours and yours only. Even if yours isn't mines."

"Y/N Stop with pretending to care. For all I care you'd rather hurt me than yourself." He said still stone faced and tears flowing down slowly

"I COULD'VE DIED ON THAT MISSION LOKI! ATLEAST BE GRATEFUL I'M BACK TO YOU AND NOT THOR." You cried out hopelessly

Loki doesn't know how he lost his control but he shouted at her saying "YES I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN BUT FOR ALL I CARE I'D RATHER HAVE YOU DEAD THAN BEING WITH MY BROTHER! JUST K!LL YOURSELF OR SOMETHING I DON'T CARE"

You were hurt. The others outside heard. Nat ran and barge in to grab you.. you slowly said only he could hear "I would if that meant you'd be happy. I would. I love you. Only you.."

"YOU DON'T KNOW THE POWER OF THAT LOVING MOUTH OF YOURS I WOULD DIE FOR ALL I CARE" your last remark.

Nat calmed you down. Wanda ready to kill him. "Y/n we told you he's bad news." Tony said. "I know. But all he says is true. All he said from the start were earnest. I don't know if the person I was talking to was him. His heartbeat sounded off and for all I know Thor is somewhere in Asgard. So i can't go to him."

-----

You decided to walk to the roof, you two's favorite spot to see him use his magic on the sky. This time you'd ought to give it a try. You opened a wound on your hand, using your blood to create a blood moon. "The power you hold beloved. I love you.."

You decided to head back to your room to write a note using ink and your blood saying "The power that loving mouth of yours has, you're words stung Loki. We both know you were out of your mind. But I thought you'd never go as far as to see me dead. But if that what you wish, you will see my blood once a year on our anniversary. Where the moon turns red. As when it used to turn green. With you i'm just blood and bone. Nothing more. Nothing less. No feelings, no care for anything but you. You wish to see me dead, and you shall. (17 of November, 02.56, the time you asked me to be your girlfriend)

The clock shown 02.50. You ran to the roof where you said your last words.. "I love you Loki Laufeyson. Through hell and back my heart would always be yours even if yours does not belomg to me" your hands moved forming a fist. Only hardening as your heart was slowly crushed. As painful as it is. It wasn't as painful as those words his loving mouth has said. The last words you heard from him.. You couldn't take the last pain anymore. You screamed in agony, in pain. When the Avengers reached you up on the roof. They only saw you falling to your knees, dying. When they got to hold you, you were lifeless in Wanda's arms. Your sister. Who now promised to bring you back someday. And to harm Loki's life. She lost her brother. And now her younger sister. The moon was red. As the blood bleeding on your arm. "I swear I'll hurt you in ways you wouldn't have thought was possible Loki"

The very next day Loki reappeared in the tower to say he was sorry and that he was half-drunk. Only to find the avengers all wearing black, about to head out to your funeral in your favorite garden in Sokovia. Loki was confused, "Stark, whose funeral are you attending" His eyes showed nothing but confusion before Tony responsed, "Your girlfriend dummy. You killed her. She left a note on your table. And Thor will escort you back to Asgard or whatever.. and you're not the only one losing her. She was like my little sister, and she was Wanda's. She was a part of the avengers, the strongest. So don't pretend to regret killing her. We heard you"

"Brother.. Is that true. Is she really dead..?" "Yes. Why do you always never think about other people's feelings but your own Loki? Look what you've done. I'm burying my sister.." Loki decided to walk to his room and read the note at your funeral. He wanted to attend. Yet the Avengers banned him from attending. His heart can't take it.. How could they? He was your lover.. was. That word stained his life more than any other word besides the I love you from you. He swore to never speak again. Only to cry when he read your note and saw the avengers having your heart on display. His name was truly written on it with Grisha saints gold blood..

Memories flood back to him. The moment where he'd shown you his tricks with Seiðr. And how you would calm him down by slowing his pulse and how you would get rid of his scars and only revealed it to her and her only.

He again cried.. knowing his last words to you ended your life. And now he has no one. Even his brother now hates him..

[neptune-scythe]

I was having a bad day so I decided to take it out on my boy Kaz Brekker ... as one does

[fanaddicted2000]

Kaz’s a mess when Inej gets a cold

and it's both adorable and heartbreaking.

Imagine a slightly feverish Inej, bundled up under an obscenely large pile of blankets, trying to get some sleep, but next to her Kaz is buzzing around, getting her tea, asking about Suli soup and do you want another pillow? He doesn't dare take off his gloves, afraid her skin will drown him, nor does he dare leave her room, afraid of the state he'll find her in. He's ashamed of how scared he is. Her pale skin makes him nervous, and every time she coughs, his heart stops. When he blinks, her figure is blurred by a sea of corpses and nausea rises in his throat, forcing him to exhale slowly through tight lips. He's dipping a clean cloth in cold water for her when a pillow hits him square in the head. He's too stunned to glare at her, and he couldn't, not with the tired love in her eyes. It's just a cold, Kaz, I need to sleep it off. He shakes his head, But - she doesn't let him finish. When I wake up, I'll appreciate some soup, she says with a gentle decisiveness. He nods once with a sigh and decides to check on the Dregs, maybe find some Black Tips to beat up. He's being ridiculous, he knows it, but... he turns back to her, catches her sleepy eyes following him. Better not leave me, Wraith, he says seriously, but it comes out like a plea and she nods, her eyes closing. The deal is the deal.

[stormblessed95]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks....

Hi! This is an impossible question (i love these questions). Because I fall in love with characters so easily 😅 and I hyperfixate HARD. lol, so if you asked this 6 months ago, or ask again in another 6 months or with slightly different parameters, you'd likely get a totally different list from me. 😂 but I'll give you some of my most current top 10 character loves. And before ANYONE JUDGES ME, I'm well aware these characters being my favorites heavily implies I need therapy... I already know! Also, I'm still fairly new to anime. There is still ALOT I haven't seen. SO in no particular order, some of my top 10 favorites (and yes, I'll probably cheat and name more than 10 if i have multiple favs from one series, im not sorry):

Kaladin Stormblessed/Jasnah Kholin - From Stormlight Archive (Book)

I relate to Kaladins struggle with depression alot, not only that, but his strength and courage and the way he is always ready to step up to help and protect others. Jasnah is a queen, she is such a strong woman and a role model of a character and so wise. And a total and complete badass. Smarter than everyone in the room? Yes. Blow up a man who attempts to mug her? Also yes. 😍

Zuko - From ATLA (TV Show)

The ultimate redemption arc and childhood crush character! A badass, a sweetheart, an asshole but with a caring heart and that endearingly awkward struggle of him trying to make friends. He is just so cool

Itachi Uchiha/Kakashi Hatake - From Naruto (Anime)

I can't pick between them and you can't make me! They are both so OP, so cool, so badass, so dramatic and have the best fight scenes and the ability to make me emotional as fuck

Olivier Armstrong/Roy Mustang - From Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood (Anime)

Roy's revenge arc 😳😍 lol plus we love a badass man who loves the people around him and also doesn't mind knowing when he needs to let the others around him step up! General Armstrong, man idk if I wanted to be her when I grow up or be WITH her. Probably both. She is the KING. She is the toughest in the room. She takes no bullshit. I'm obsessed with her. When her and teacher were working together for a bit? I was in love. Lol

Hua Cheng- From TGCF (Donghua)

Obsessive, protective, will do anything for his love, will be his most devoted worshiper? Takes no shit? Is the strongest MF out there? Soft for the love of his life only? Is it lowkey a little toxic when I put it this way? A little. Lmfao am I in love with it anyway? Yes. He is like the definition of scary dog privilege lmao

Kaz Brekker - From Six of Crows (Book)

He IS the smartest person around and he will let you know about it. And he will pull off the impossible with no one knowing how he did it. He has got plans upon plans. And not only that, but he uses a cane, has a disability, has chronic pain, has the most intense ptsd. And it's written SO WELL and it's SO RELATABLE (the chronic pain part, not the rest of his tragic as fuck backstory) and he is the most insane badass.

Inosuke/Akaza - From Demon Slayer (Anime)

Inosuke is just fucking insane and I love that so much. Lmfao literally child raised by wolves, is a loveable beast type character. 😂 I just want his happiness. And I love that he is an absolute weirdo and also a badass. Akaza is just.... such a good character so far! Lol and don't think that just because he is my favorite, I'm not rooting for the demon slayers to get their revenge! I am! I just also love him and I love how he is also insane, loves being powerful and I just know his backstory is probably going to make me cry. The way this show makes me SOB all the time!

Vin/Kelsier - From Mistborn (Book)

Listen, does Vin suffer as a character from "not like all the other girls" syndrome, yes. Do I LOVE everything about her and how stupidly strong and badass she is anyway? Yes. I also love that the book has HER saving the male love interest and being the white knight too instead of the other way around as per usual. Kelsier is a genius and a madman and a crazy murderer.... and I love him so much. The man has ZERO CHILL AND IS DRAMATIC TO THE CORE. I love everything about that honestly.

Nico Di Angelo/Percy Jackson - From PJO series (Book)

I'm having a hard time explaining myself for all of these and not just repeating "i just love them okay?!" Lol Look, Percy is THAT guy. He is the hero. He is the perfect boyfriend. He is the ultimate crush for everyone in the series. Lol he is loyal to a literal fault. He has the darkness and rage inside him that he keeps leashed and let's out whenever he needs to. Nico is RIGHT UP THERE TOO. The powerhouses these 2 are! Nico is scary and grumpy and adorable and just needs to be loved and they've been through so much and I just need them to have the happiest of endings. Nico deserves the world. He is also scary dog privilege too. He is perfection and speaks deeply to my emo kid heart.

Octavia Blake - From the 100 (TV Show)

I'm forever and Octavia sympathizer. She DID THE BEST SHE COULD WITH WHAT SHE HAD AND SHE SAVED EVERYONE SO MANY TIMES. She was the most badass. The underdog story and the most tragic ending to her romance and even when she lowkey went off the deepend, it was understandable. Lol that's my bitch, and I'm sticking with her!

....

So yeah, they all lowkey are lovable assholes here honestly. No one worry about me please, I'm fine Maybe i just like mean bitches who are hidden softies full of love super deep down 😅😏 Honestly, my husband is the worldest sweetest man ever. I promise my real life taste is not so filled with red flags like 85% of this list is. 🤣🤣 I fully know how this list could look lol