#just venting pls ignore

[rainbowcrowley]

nope'd out of school today bc i just wasn't feeling it. yay for setting boundaries i guess..?

i'm overworked and this 👌🏻 close to another burnout. i need vacation.....

2 weeks left......

[phoenxxcat]

how do I stop feeling so guilty for taking the time my body needs to rest. how do I stop blaming myself for my limitations. why do I struggle so much with the little things? I’ve spent all day in bed for a week now, skipping classes and neglecting chores. the only thing that gets me up is feeding my cats. if it weren’t for them, I don’t know how I’d manage.

[breninarthur]

i do ultimately write when darkness comes for me, but it's still really disheartening to work hard on it for so little payoff. the new chapter is nearly 4k and took over 3 months to get right... and it's had an extra four hits with no more kudos or comments 🙃

[fangirlwithasweettooth]

so much annoying but very insignificant stuff has happened since I left work and I’m fighting off a meltdown about it hahhahaha this is so fun

[weirdmeal]

i got a cpap machine ages ago and finally set it up but i hate it so much i feel like a science project like in a bad way

like there’s all this shit wrong with me and i find something new every day and i can’t even fucking Sleep normal

can i just have a break. like can i just wake up healthy or something. i think i would give almost anything to just have a normal fucking body again even for a day

like no pain no dizzy spells or weakness or fatigue. functioning correctly for the first time in years. could you imagine. if i didn’t need a fucking Breathing Machine to even sleep or a cane or 700000000 medications. if i didn’t have to fear my inevitable physical decline years before all my friends because my body is made of fucking wet paper

and i’ll be fine i’ve managed so far. but i see how my mom and sister are doing and i know what’s coming for me sooner rather than later

just. some days it’s enough to make me slip backwards a little bit

[resident-tomb-rat]

bruh i hate myself so much lol

[angelpuns]

Me looking at the super long definitely TMI diary-type vent post in my drafts: haha yeah you're gonna live there forever until I delete you <3

[fyodior]

.

[fuckyeah-bears]

whhhhyyyyyyyyy is everything sooooo motherfucking expensive????? don’t they know I can’t afford all this shit???

[kaiserkisser]

can someone nice (!!) please please please adopt me im begging you im requesting you (huge word vomit and vent in tags, pls dont read if u dont want to!! and if you don't want this stuff on this blog PLS lmk!! i dont wanna make anyone uncomfy! )

[wolfchans]

I hate you sudden waves of sadness!!! We were doing soo good today!! What is it that sets you off every time 😞

Just feeling like curling up in bed and never waking up again but i have so much to do

[madolecence]

Listen 99% of the time I’m fine being single bc there’s nothing wrong with it and relationships don’t always bring you peace but that 1% of the time I am FUCKING PISSED I’M SINGLE bc I feel so alone like c’mon. Logically it’s nothing about me but what is it about me why haven’t I even met anyone I’ve actually liked in years

[kexing]

relating a little too hard to aioon on this gloomy day

i’ve always been the ugly/boring cousin, i didn’t have siblings while growing up but my father has a baby girl now who’s obviously the favorite, i’m just the older loser daughter which caught me completely off guard akdjskdjs i was never really included in friend groups but that didn’t bother me all that much cuz i don’t like groups. i had a very fulfilling friendship for more than ten years tho and now we don’t talk anymore which hurts me daily but i can’t even blame the other person

so where does all that grief go? where do i put it? or should i just let it live in my house like a roommate?

but i know i also don’t make things easier. people try to include me in their circles sometimes yet i still feel like an outsider no matter where i go. no i don’t have kids, no i will NOT marry a man and women don’t want me so i’ll die alone, no i can’t keep a job anymore cuz i’m too depressed and my therapist thinks i’m a danger to myself. what’s that? oh you don’t believe i’m autistic? typical

and you know what, it’s fine. it’s all fine. except that i’m so touch starved, love starved, attention starved that sometimes i don’t even feel human. like i’m losing touch with humanity, with reality and then i feel so fucking empty

feeling emotions can be hella uncomfortable but nothing’s worse than just feeling completely empty. like a massive void, like i’m going to swallow myself and everything else around me at any given moment.

it feels so all consuming it scares me sometimes, the thought that maybe i’m doomed to only cause harm. but i don’t want to, i don’t want to be a bad presence in people’s lives but maybe i’ve always been

maybe that’s why i’m alone. it’s safer for everyone this way

[fic-dumpster]

The problem when you think you won’t be writing anymore so you left your WIPs everywhere and your memory equals to Dory is that you depend so much on notes and documents. AND WHEN YOU CANT FIND NEITHER AND YOUR LIFE ENDS? WHAT THEN?

I have searched through all my drives and notes apps and old phones and computers… why am I so messy 🧍🏻‍♀️.

So…

This is all I could compile. Notion is so much better😫🤲🏻. Aaaaamd I’ll get one or two chapters posted this weekend (tomorrow and Sunday).

Then I might re-read TR and the fanbook and wikis hahahahaahjaa gosh… I’m invested. I hate leaving unfinished projects… but it’s a curse that I carry.

[minediamonds]

Okay so I have tons of drafts, but not tons of muse. TLDR version: I will possibly drop some drafts after I do some today, muse and energy depending. <3

Also, still insecure RP-wise, so if anyone can spare some positivity, I'd appreciate it <3

The longer version is: I have 100+ drafts and don't know when or if my muse for some of them will return. So...what I'm going to do is I'm going to go through my drafts and queue some responses. Then, when I'm done, I will go through my drafts and drop some that I don't know when the muse will return. However, me dropping a draft does NOT equal dropping the relationship/connection between our muses. It just means I no longer have inspiration for that particular interaction.

Also, I'm still feeling insecure RP-wise, and I'm trying not to worry about it too much, as that tends to make the insecurities worse. I just feel really blah tbh, and don't know what will improve these blah feelings. I keep losing mutuals, and never having a clue as to why. That, and I genuinely have threads with so many people who are no longer following and so I'm just like "to reply or not to reply? That is the question." I guess I'll just reply when I have the muse (if I have the muse) and see what happens. But it's hard.

Not gonna lie, I'm probably going to go lower activity on this blog, at least once I get my drafts to a more manageable level. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to follow me or anything, of course not. I just...do people not want to follow me? And if so, why? These are the questions that have been haunting me. And the worst part is, I'll probably never have satisfactory answers to either of these questions. So I just need to find a way of moving on.

I really don't want to dwell on this, honestly. But sometimes my insecurities get to me and I feel like I'm a bad RPer and writer and that everyone could easily replace me with someone better. Idk how to get rid of these feelings, but I want to. I don't want them to ruin my experience in the RPC.

Obviously, I can't control what others do, only what I do. And some may say "just stop overthinking it" , "don't worry about it you're fine" etcetera. But to me, the more people unfollow, the more I'm convinced that my insecurities are right. And this is NOT me saying people don't have the right to unfollow me, of course they do. Everyone has to curate their dash in the way that's best for them. I get it. I bear them no ill will, really. I just wish there was a way I could feel more secure in the mutuals and followers I do have, because I do genuinely appreciate every single one. But ever since I moved, I've been feeling this way (and before the move too). I genuinely want to move on but then....I lose another follower/mutual and the insecurities rear their ugly head again.

I guess, what I'm saying is that I just want to feel more secure in my place in the RPC. That people genuinely want to write with me, etcetera. And I don't know how that's going to happen. I don't have all the answers, as much as I wish I did.

Also, obviously there are plenty of reasons for people to unfollow that don't equal "me sucking at RPing". But because of my insecurities, I tend to assume that the worst case scenario is the truth, even if I know it's likely more complex than I'm giving it credit for. I don't know why I have these insecurities on my RP blog, as I genuinely don't care when someone unfollows my personal. I just do whatever I want on there. But somehow, I have myself convinced that if people unfollow me in the RPC, it can only mean that I'm a terrible RP partner and not...you know....1000000000000000 other things it could mean.

If anyone can spare any positive energy or thoughts my way, I would appreciate it. Truly. <3

And just know, that if we're mutuals, ILY and want to write with you and am just waiting for my drafts to get more under control if we haven't written yet. <3 But still, feel free to send memes. I'm always accepting them <3

[bird1e-painty]

sorry guys idk why has my posts become increasingly more sad i swear im trying not to project all my sadness onto here