#just the name it set on discord itself

[fangshing]

The "bogscalespunchingbag" URL is actually kind of pertinent here because someone on the "defense team" sent me Station's discord username and its title (not the @, the name that shows up when you join a server) was "[mutual]'s punching bag". like. that's not a server nickname that was what it set for Every server........

[medicinemane]

"Our thing connects to an app!!!"

Ah... I hate it

[i-only-ever-asked-questions]

Updated! A few days ago the contract Crowley signs in S1 came up on discord. Being the crazy person that I am, I set on the quest of finding out what it actually says. I couldn't make out everything, especially at the end where Crowley's hand and the sparks obscure the lines but I made out most of it (transcript below the break).

One of the things I like the most is that the contract specifically says "Anthony Crowley of Mayfair, London." In the book, Hastur tells Crowley not to use that name: "No. Not A. J. Crowley. Your real name.” Crowley nodded mournfully, and drew a complex, wiggly sigil on the paper. It glowed redly in the gloom, just for a moment, and then faded."

Interesting things:

The contract is referred to as "the Agreement" - HA!

The contract is between Hastur and Ligur ("the Customer") and Crowley ("the Service Provider"). Not with Hell itself or with Satan.

The contract never actually says what "the Service" is nor does it say how much Crowley is supposed to be paid (so is it just delivering the baby to the convent, or all the upbringing too?)

There is a part that says Hastur and Ligur will pay the costs when the operation is done. But later on it also says that Crowley will not be reimbursed for his own expenses. Talk about being shortchanged!

Hastur and Ligur will NOT provide any help

Crowley must contribute to a retirement plan (Superannuation) for himself and his employees if he has any (how thoughtful)

And lastly, I learned the UK has Superannuations and it is not just an Australian thing! (go figure! the things GO teaches me)

So here you have it. A contract from Hell! literally If anyone can make out the words I couldn't or finds an error, please let me know and I'll update this one.

Full transcript:

[Line covered by clip and Ligur’s fingers] (the "Agreement")

BETWEEN

HASTUR AND LIGUR of HELL (the "Customer")

AND

ANTHONY J CROWLEY of MAYFAIR LONDON (the "Service Provider")

BACKGROUND a. The Costumer is of the opinion that the Service Provider has the necessary qualifications experience and abilities to provide services for the Customer. The Costumer will pay the Service Provider per project agreed. Each project has its own costs and the Service Provider agrees to inform the Customer what are the costs involved when setting the operation and the Costumer agrees to pay the total amount when the project is delivered. b. The Compensation will be payable upon completion of the Services. The Service Provider is responsible for paying any Superannuation Guarantee contributions that may be required in relation to the work performed by the Service Provider or by the employees of the Service Provider under this Agreement c. The above Compensation includes all applicable sales tax, and dues as required by law

Provision of Extras a. The Customer will not provide any resources, assistance or extra for use by the Service Provider in providing the Services Reimbursement of Expenses b. The Service Provider will not be reimbursed for expenses incurred by the Service Provider in connection with providing the Services of this Agreement. Independence of Services c. In providing the Sevices under the Agreement it is expressly agreed that the Service Provider is acting as an independent contractor and not as an employee. The Service Provider and the Customer acknowledge that the Agreement does not create a partnership or joint venture between them, and is exclusively a contract for service

Notes a. All suits, requests, demands or other communication required or permitted by the terms of this Agreement by will be given in writing and delivered to the Parties of the Agreement as follows

ANTHONY J CROWLEY of MAYFAIR LONDON

HASTUR AND LIGUR of HELL

and each [Illegible words due to Crowley’s hand] notify the other.

[ILLEGIBLE WORD]

ANTHONY J CROWLEY

[bluesidez]

Can’t get Firefighter Miguel out of my head because of the Miggy discord.

content warning: nothing but fluff...for now 😗

word count: 1.3k, not proofread

Next ‧₊˚ ⋅ 𓐐𓎩 ‧₊˚ ⋅𓌉◯𓇋 Masterlist

Imagine you’re trying to get into baking or something and you’re not used to your oven AT ALL.

Cherry pies? Ruined.

Apple fritters? Apple crisps.

Chocolate chip cookies? Charcoal chip cookies.

Brownies? More like burnt brownie brittle.

Your process would be going so well until it was time to actually put your dessert in the oven and it was like your oven plotted against you.

You set the right temperatures. You pre-heated. You even placed things in the right part of the oven. How is it that everything goes wrong?

The only desserts that saw the light of day were the no-bake ones. You’re not sure how much more no-bake cheesecake you could take anymore.

The day that really sets it off is the day that you attempted to make a simple vanilla birthday cake. Your friend’s birthday was coming soon and you wanted to gift her one of those cute bento cakes.

Your icing is finished and delicious. You’ve been practicing the decorations all week and they were pretty cute! The cake just a few more minutes left to bake, then you could take it out to chill.

As you’re piping a bag of baby pink icing, you look up to see that the room is a little foggy. You turn in a panic and notice puffs creeping from the oven.

“No, no, no!!!” you cry as you turn to open it.

You can’t do anything but cough as a ton of smoke hits you in the face.

Your cake on fire. Orange and yellow light illuminating the oven.

You panic as the fire seems to grow brighter once it hits the air.

“Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god!”

Where was your fire extinguisher? You tried fanning at fire with a towel, but to no avail. You couldn’t even get to the knobs to switch the oven off.

You step back, terrified. You felt like sobbing watching the flames take over. Why aren’t the sprinklers on?

By the time you run out of your house, the fire alarm decides it can sing its tune. You call 911 with a shaky voice, hoping they can get here faster than your alarm decided to make itself known.

You stand outside peeking through your eyes as you could see the flames grow near your kitchen window.

Thankfully the firetruck makes it in time, the firefighters working quick to get inside.

One of them asks is anyone else inside and you shake your head no, thankful that it was just you.

It doesn’t take long for them to put it out and come back outside.

“Are you ok?,” one of them comes to ask you. You look up to this tall, dark, and handsome man. He’s sweating a bit obviously from the summer heat and the fire as he takes his helmet off. His hair is curly and dripping. You ogle him a bit, watching his chest move up and down.

“Do we need to call you an ambulance?” he says, placing a heavy hand on your shoulder.

“Oh! No! So sorry, I’m still a little…winded from everything,” you say, embarrassed.

“Ok, well as long as you’re fine. Do you mind telling me what you were doing?” he asks.

You cast your eyes down. Here was such a fine man standing before you and you had on pajamas and a frilly maid apron with flour splattered on top.

“I was trying to make a birthday cake. As we can see, it completely failed,” you reply. “I don’t know what happened. I followed every instruction. The oven was set at 350 degrees.”

He tilted his head at you as you whined away.

“Is this the first time that something like this has happen?”

You shake your head no, “This is the 3rd burnt dessert in a week.”

“Hm. Well I’ll have the crew here check it out.”

An hour and some change later, one of the firefighters tells you and the tall glass of water, who learn is a captain named Miguel, that you have a damaged gas line.

“You’re really lucky that you were only getting blackened sugar. One more cake and that could have been the end,” Miguel says to you with hand on his hip and another on your shoulder. “And also, never open the oven if there’s a fire. If this happens again, turn the oven off and wait until it dies down.”

You felt your head nodding, heart beating at how awkward everything felt.

Miguel looked down at you again, “Do you have anywhere you can stay over night? Or until I can get someone up here to get this gas fixed?”

“My grandma lives a couple of streets down,” you say, cheeks heated at his intense eye contact.

“Tell you what, how about you settle there for the night and I’ll come back personally to help you grab your belongings tomorrow morning?”

“That would be amazing! Thank you so much. I’m sorry for all of this,” you gesture to your house.

“It happens. Nothing you did here was your fault. Besides, I’m the captain. Fighting fires is what I do. Now, how about a ride in the truck to your grandma’s?”

You feel giddy when he practically pulls you in the truck. No seats are left so you have to settle for sitting on Miguel’s lap, heartbeat racing.

The other firefighters try to hide their smirks and snickers watching their captain hold you so softly in his arms. One big bump in the road has you clinging to him to not fall off.

You straighten back up, embarrassed by the little slip. Miguel chuckles at your actions.

You pretend not to hear their wolf whistles as he guides you to your grandma’s front door.

Miguel knocks firmly, waiting with you until she opens it.

She’s about to fuss at you for not stopping by sooner until she looks up at Miguel.

“And who is this?” she says, a bit shocked.

“My name is Captain O’Hara. I just wanted to drop your grandbaby off. Had a little baking accident.”

Your grandma listens to Miguel as he explains the situation calmly and professionally. It doesn’t stop her from fussing over you, grabbing and turning you to check for any damage.

“I’m ok grandma. I just have to stay here while my gas gets fixed.”

She thanks Miguel profusely, “Son, what’s your favorite food? I’ll have it made and sent down there for you.”

Miguel laughs heartily. You’re about to tell him he doesn’t have to answer that until he beats you to it.

“Whatever your specialty is, I’ll take it,” he says with a sweet smile on his face and holding your grandma’s hands.

“Cap! We gotta another fire at the college dorms. Someone burnt noodles in the microwave again,” a firefighter yells from truck.

“Well if you all can excuse me, duty calls!” he says and runs back to the truck.

“I can’t believe you burnt a cake! Haven’t I taught you better? And you know you’re making him that food, right?” your grandma says as you step inside.

“Grandma,” you say, affronted. “It was the oven, not me! And he might not want to even eat what I make after this.”

“Hmph,” she says, with a click of her tongue. “Well, you better get ready to use this kitchen here. You need that man as a husband.”

“Grandma.”

“I have some ham hocks in the freezer, some turnip and mustard greens. I think the church sent me some potatoes. We need to go to the store too. You gotta get him through his stomach.”

“Grandma!”

There was a silence as you and your grandma stared at each other.

“So are you thinking pork chops or catfish to go with the side dishes?” she said, grabbing a pencil and an empty envelope.

You just groaned and crumpled in your chair.

divider by: @benkeibear ❤️‍🔥

the grandma convo is heavily inspired by my own grandma lol. tagging @miguelhugger2099 @kit-and-wolfe @huniedeux @ugh-ok-fiyn because I want y’all to see this 😗

[remxedmoon]

“the eternal wanderer…? even death cannot release it from its plight… hm. did i create a second copy of this card?”

tribeless

1 power - 1 health - 7 bones?

unkillable - when a card bearing this sigil perishes, a copy of it is created in your hand.

corpse eater - if a creature that you own perishes by combat, a card bearing this sigil in your hand is automatically played in its place.

brittle - after attacking, a card bearing this sigil perishes.

hidden trait - cursebearer

this card cannot be sacrificed at the sigil stones event.

[twohats spoilers below the cut!]

“callous, aimless, manipulative. this pitiful beast hides behind a mask of its own face.”

tribeless

2 power - 1 health - no cost

repulsive - if a creature would attack a card bearing this sigil, it does not.

bifurcated strike - a card bearing this sigil will strike each opposing space to the left and right of the space across from it.

hidden trait - shapeshifter

while in your deck or hand, this card will disguise itself as the wanderer.

SURPRISE BONUS CARD!!! or well. not really a surprise if you’re from the discord. still!!!! bonus card!!! writeup below!!!!

this is an ijiraq reskin!!!! or well. they were supposed to be one. their out-of-battle behaviors are pretty different but they work mostly the same in battles

the repulsive sigil is there because the ijiraq has it! but it also counts towards loop’s. general attitude towards themself i think. at least they can’t get attacked (if they don’t attack something with sharp quills that is). in kaycee’s mod, this sigil only appears on the ijiraq and starvation (which can only be played by leshy). probably for the best!

i added bifurcated strike both to set them apart from the ijiraq and because scissors craft! stats and sigils wise, they’re a sidegrade to the ijiraq. the fun stuff comes with their hidden trait!

so! shapeshifter!! originally just called. ijiraq. but it works a little different so it gets a different name shshhh. but i’ll just explain how the regular ijiraq works since it’s a kaycee’s mod card and kinda obscure. basically, it diguises itself as other cards in your deck! while on the map, it’ll show the card’s alt version with a red glow, but in battle, it’ll look and behave exactly like the card it’s mimicking. it only reveals itself once placed on the field! so it’s always a surprise! loop works similarly, but they only mimic sif’s card. because twohats :3

like the ijiraq, loop will swap themself with sif for most card events! though there’s a good few that they’ll just refuse to do. too much to talk about there, maybe i’ll post the talking card dialogue for them at some point? idk

oh, speaking of which!! like sif, loop is a talking card! they’ll still talk, even while disguised, but they’d have slightly different lines and portraits methinks. which does make it a little easier to figure out who’s who but that’s a sacrifice (heh) i’m willing to make. plus it’s just fun.

vulpecula is the name of a fox constellation! for fun parallels with siffrin! the constellation itself doesn’t have any mythology behind it though. just a fox. the reason loop’s holding a goose in their mouth(…?) is because the constellation is sometimes depicted with one! please look at the goose i’m really proud of that goose.

this was. probably the hardest card to draw Period. my usual way of drawing loops spiky face would’ve felt out of place with the inscryption style so i had to improvise! and BOY it was a struggle!! especially since i didn’t have a sketch prepared like i did with the others. i think this turned out pretty nice though!

NO PATCH!!!! REJOICE!!! loop can’t be selected for sigil transfers (because ijiraq) so they don’t have any!!!! i mean, i could’ve hypothetically given a patch to the sif disguise but no. i don’t want to even try to recolor the patch. that would be a nightmare. maybe if i ever find a blank png version of the patch.

if i were to give them a patch sigil tho, i think i’d give them hoarder? which lets you draw any card from your deck after placing loop on the field. as like, a nod to how much QoL they add in isat.

also as a little aside, you can attempt to fuse them and the wanderer at the mycologists. they won’t let you but you can try. similarly, they’ll be counted as kin in the trial of kin! because again. twohats

THAT’S EVERYTHING 🎉🎉🎉 rare cards wise, at least. trust me there’s a ridiculous amount of extra stuff for this au. i’m making an entire campaign. god have mercy on me

no extra alt card art so uh. thank you for reading these!!! isatscryption is like. probably the most self indulgent thing ever for me. thank you so much to everyone who’s responded to these aauauuaa i reread the responses like. every day!!! so thank you!!!!!! 💥

[muffinrecord]

Magia Exedra Stream News

Post originally made by Razielim on discord. I'm copypasting it to the letter so that other folks can see the news (and to help answer questions that folks have). This is a long post, enjoy!

--

The Magia Exedra News Stream has just concluded and the news are highly positive for us MagiReco players! An absolute truckload of new info about the game was just released, so let's go over the news one by one!

The stream started off with a quick overview of the evolution of Magia Record's story throughout the years, from Arc 1 to Arc2, to Puella Historia, and to Scene0.

We were then given a quick overview of the data that the MagiReco Archive App (which the MagiReco app itself will turn into once the service has ended) will show us. The archive app provides the following:

Your Magical Girl info screen, from which you can view all of your Magical Girls and their levels/Memo Slots/Magia Levels/Transformations, etc.

Your info archive, which shows off the information of all the Magical Girls, Memoria, Doppels, Witches, and Uwasa that you have encountered during you Magia Record career.

Then, a new Teaser Trailer for Magia Exedra is shown off, which you can find here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_KwtjOarUI The new teaser shows off various spin-off characters, such as Oriko, Suzune, Tart, and Kazumi, followed by Madoka and Iroha holding hands before showing the Lighthouse and the green Kyubey-like creature greeting us.

Following this, a new VA is welcomed to the stream, the VA of "Namae", Akari Komiyama.

Multiple spin-offs are also confirmed to be featured in Magia Exedra, including:

Magia Record

Suzune Magica

Oriko Magica

Tart Magica

(- Kazumi Magica, while not specifically mentioned, was shown in the above Teaser Trailer)

More information about the story and setting of Magia Exedra We have been given more detailed information about the story of Magia Exedra. The Lighthouse we have seen many times now is supposed to function like a guide for the souls of Magical Girls. For some reason, it is malfunctioning and we have to gather the Light of Memories to repair it.

The player will be tasked to enter into the Windows of Memory to find the Light of Memories from the memories of various Magical Girls.

Our player character is named "Namae" (will most likely be re-named by the player during the tutorial) who has lost most of her memories but still remembers having been a Magical Girl, and looks like a non-descript black silhouette. She will be tasked with searching for the Light of Memories.

The green Kyubey-like creature that assists us is called "A-Q" and is not technically a Kyubey

Character Teasers! We have been shown a character teaser for Madoka , which can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLy6AExK2VE as well as a character teaser for Iroha , which can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeMc7T-zwPg

Additonally, the 3D models for both characters have been shown off in the livestream.

Afterwards, another teaser showing slight glimpses of gameplay have been shown, which featured mostly Mami and Madoka walking through a Witch labyrinth, before lining up with Iroha to face Charlotte. This particular teaser has so far not been uploaded to the official Exedra youtube, but the most important screenshots of it have been attached to this post as an image.

What are Portraits? Magia Exedra will feature a system of equippable items to grant your characters various bonuses. These come in the form of "Portraits", which are in effect the exact same as "Memoria" in Magia Record. Just like Memoriae, the Portraits will feature images of various scenes and characters that appear in the story. A few of these have been shown off during the livestream.

There is also a special Portrait for MagiReco players; more on that below.

The MagiReco to Exedra Transfer System As was mentioned before, once Magia Record ends service and transforms into the Archive App, players will be able to view their Exedra Transfer Code from the Archive App. Entering this code into Exedra once it launches, will grant the player various benefits and allow you to transfer various data to Exedra.

We have now been granted more information as to what exactly this will entail:

You can view your MagiReco Account's data, such as Magical Girls, Memoria, Transformation videos, etc.

(Note: You can VIEW this information. You will not GAIN your playable characters or Memoriae for play in Exedra.)

You will gain special titles in Exedra, based on your highest Mirror Ranking Score and your Account's overall player score

You will gain a special Portrait (the Exedra equivalent of Memoriae) in Exedra

(- Further bonuses may potentially be added to this function before release)

Furtermore, our pleas to conserve MagiReco's stories for the future have been heard and as part of the developers' goodwill, the following MagiReco stories will be uploaded in video form to the official Exedra youtube:

Main Story Arc 1

Main Story Arc 2

Puella Historia

Scene 0

Some events, such as:

Cherry Blossom Dreams / Dreaming Sakura (Trial event)

From New Breath / A New Beginning (2nd Anniversary event)

Green Jasper Diviners

Crimson Resolve

Dependence Blue

Ashen Revolution

Paradise Shift

Magia Day continues! The once-a-year celebration of Magia Record will continue in a new form! Magia Day will be held again this year on the 25th of August and will now evolve into a news event for Magia Exedra! Various VAs will meet up in person and provide us with even more information about Magia Exedra. Here's to hoping that this year we will see the Mokyuu button again.

After this, the Exedra News event concluded with the VAs waving bye-bye

Summary of Platform-related Information So, can you play the game on PC? On mobile? In english? The answer to all of that is YES

First off, the game is available on Mobile and PC. Both Android and iOS versions will exist, although currently pre-registration is only available on Android. The English Android version can be found here: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.aniplex.magia.exedra.en And the Japanese Android version here: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.aniplex.magia.exedra.jp

While in the Android store the app is seperated between an english installation and a japanese installation, on PC there is only a singular entry. The steam PC version can be found here: https://store.steampowered.com/app/2987800/Madoka_Magica_Magia_Exedra/

This seems to point towards Exedra having a combined English/Japanese version, possibly sectioned into multiple servers depending on your Player Region. This however is still a speculation and not yet confirmed.

There is still no further information on the exact release date of Magia Exedra, but this may possibly be revealed during Magia Day on the 25th of August.

Hold up, what if the game shows as not available for me? Okay so here is kind of a little problem. From what we can tell, the game may not be available in every country. We do not currently have a specific list of countries that the game is available in, but it seems to be somewhat random. Our guess is that the developers secured the Distribution Rights for the game in what they believed to be their most important target countries, which may leave some players in various countries unable to normally play the game. We suggest you click on the android link above and see if the store allows you to pre-register or if it tells you that the item is not available in your country.

If the game is not available for you: Do not despair just yet. First off, its possible that more countries will be cleared as the game nears its release. Secondly, even if the game ends up releasing region locked for you, there are still ways around it such as using a VPN on Android, or making a Steam account of a different country. We are not able to provide specific instructions regarding this yet, as we need to wait and see how the region lock might be implemented anyway. If instructions regarding how to circumvent the region-lock is required, users on this discord will most likely be able to provide such information once the game goes live.

Finally, some general Gameplay info: In Magia Exedra, you will be able to enter various Witch Labyrinths. Within these, you will be traversing the regions of the labyrinth and encounter various battles. In battles, you will make use of a party of up to 5 Characters at once to take down your opponents.

Battles are turn-based and you can see the Turn Order on the left side of the screen. There seems to be various attack options, including a Special meter below each character that most likely is linked to their Magia, but no concrete information on this has been revealed. A "Break" system is additionally implemented, where attacks of Elemental Types that are Super Effective against the opponent will wear down their defense and ultimately put them in a weakened state after enough pressure has been applied. Yes, this combat system is almost a 1:1 re-creation of the combat of Honkai: Star Rail, including the Break system Personally I dont mind this much as I find the Star Rail combat system to be highly enjoyable. Auto-Battle and Speed-Up seems to be included as well.

Characters themselves have an Element to them, similar as in Magia Record. Currently we know of at least 6 Elements: Water, Fire, Forest, Light, Dark, and an unnamed sixth Element that may be something like Void /Physical/Non-Elemental/Something else. All of this information is gleaned from promotional material and has not yet been officially revealed, so take all of this with a grain of salt. The elements that an enemy is weak to (and will therefore cause enemies to become Broken) are listed next to the Boss's HP and Break bar at the top of the screen. Additionally, characters can of course be equipped with Portraits (which are basically Memoriae) as described above.

Confirmed Characters: A lot of characters have been shown off already in some capacity or another. Among these, the following have been shown in the trailer, but not in-game:

Suzune

Oriko

Kazumi

Tart

While the following characters have also been shown in battle in promotional material found on the game's Steam page:

Madoka (Light)

Sayaka (Water)

Mami (Forest)

Kyouko (Fire)

Homura (Dark)

Iroha (Light)

Yachiyo (Water)

To close the news with: One of the screenshots on the Steam page shows the Home Screen of the game, which includes buttons for: Room of Light, Shop, Gacha, Party, Quest, Union, and Player Match.

What these buttons are for, are of course up for you to guess.

--

Everyone say "thank you" to Razielim for writing all of this out so that the game is more accessible to English players :)

Hopefully this helps folks become more informed on tumblr too!

[monstersandmaw]

Male 'yautja' x female reader - alien 'reverse harem' - Chapter Two

Due to Patrons' enthusiasm over on Discord and your comments on the previous chapter (thank you!), here's the second chapter! As I said on Discord, this is gonna be a mix of reader POV and 'hunter'/yautja POV. I'm not giving away our friend's name in this one, but future 'hunter' chapters will have their names in. The next chapter is reader POV again, and we meet the rest of the crew.

Also there's this:

(text is a screenshot of a Discord message: Ghosti: It’s basically just an excuse for the reader to boink different aliens (sometimes more than one at once) but I’m really enjoying writing it so far.)

So yeah, this is just a fast track to 'how many aliens can the reader boink?'

Content in this chapter: young (but still adult) horny alien POV, self-deprecating attitude and self-worth issues, non-human anatomy referenced ('slick, sheath'), and his quite severely injured state continues...

Wordcount: 2690

<- previous chapter (free for anyone to read on Patreon)

Preview:

I wake slowly and painfully, blinking up at the ceiling of my ship and wondering how I came to be there, when the last thing I really remember was scrapping with the Enemy.

A series of rattling clicks rises in my throat and my mandibles twitch in indignation. Surely one of the others hasn't come to help me? It was my First Hunt, and they were honour-bound to let me make my first kill, or let me die trying! I had actually thought I was going to die when the Enemy’s tail spike punched through my gut like that. And my shoulder.

Actually, now that I think of it, I’m surprised that I’m alive enough to be surprised at all.

Fuck. Ouch.

Oh, fuck, my guts hurt.

Nothing in training ever hurt like this. It does hurt less than it did when it first happened though, and all because…

…because the human helped me.

Fuck.

Did this even count as a successful First Hunt if… No. I killed it. I ripped its damned head right off. I feel a growl rumble up from my chest and my mandibles flare. Nasty fucker. The growling makes my stomach hurt though, so I force it to stop.

Where is the human now?

Carefully, I sit up and discover that the healing gel has closed off the wounds and kick-started the healing process. My flesh beneath the hardened patches of gel feels itchy where my body is already knitting itself back together, and it’s so tender, but at least it’s healing. I’ve always hated feeling weak and small. Ever since I was a pup and I was made to feel less than worthy because of my runty size. Well fuck everyone who said I’d never make a Blooded Warrior. I’ve found my squad now and we hunt together. And now I’ve completed my First Hunt and killed an Enemy by myself. Even Stark tolerates me, though I can tell he still thought I wouldn't survive this hunt.

Well, I did it, so fuck him. Actually, if I know Stark, it’ll be the big guy getting fucked, not Stark himself. He’s the only one of us who never takes it. Whenever he fucks me, I always end up walking funny afterwards. Bastard. Gods, it always feels so good though…

Despite my injuries, my cock twitches deep in its sheath at the memory of getting pounded by Stark only a few days ago, and I groan. Now’s really not the time to think about being fucked. Alchemist is only a few years older than me, but no one else on our squad seems to have as high a sex drive as I do, damn it. The Old Man says it’s natural and healthy – desired even – in one my age, but I can’t help feeling a bit embarrassed that it takes quite so little to set me off. It’s not like I’m a randy adolescent in the communal barracks anymore. Gods, that was… inconvenient.

Fuck.

All the same, I’m halfway to slicking myself already at the mere memory of Stark’s aggressive snarls and the way his claws had actually punctured the skin at my hips while he drove his cock repeatedly into my dripping wet slit…

Fuck fuck fuck. Not now, you moron.

With another chittering sigh, I ignore the way my sheath is throbbing, and swing my legs off the bed before I leave a mess on the sheets. When my clawed paws hit the cold ceramic floor, I have a go at standing up. It takes me two goes, but I get myself upright eventually, and then I cast about for my helmet.

Read the whole thing right now on Patreon and get access to the 9k word monthly story, featuring a huge Shire centaur who tows the reader's truck for them when they break down...

[draco-oriens]

Alright, hear me out:

I'd like to gather some fellow animals and create a Discord server for anyone alterhuman/non-human. That itself sounds boring. But what if we do it in a special way?

Clans with clan specific channels (not disclosed to others to prevent trashtalking or isolation... members from other clans can still read the channels)

Big games with all the clans together where points are given to the clans according to their place (1st, 2nd ...)

The clan with the most points at the end of the month will get a special role.

Maybe points from posting will be added to this?

There will be games which will need all clans to work together

Each clan will have two clan leaders who will be the moderators of the server.

Naming ceremonies after a month or two of membership, if active!

We could also create clans for the simple aesthetic only but I'd still like to have the clan areas which would show off a specific kind of territory, e.g. swamp, prairie, mountains etc. If I'd find an artist or two, we could create clan specified profile pictures as well which would be given out with the name ceremony on request. Wouldn't be smth very big. Maybe just a frame for each clan or a colorized silhouette fitting for each clan.

I might get my inspiration from my childhood book series Warriors but this idea still struck me. It's for the fun and social gathering, not for the competition! There will be rules set up to prevent competition to raise.

Would you join such a server? Would you even help me to create such? As I'm injured, I can use my mobile phone only. In around half a year I'll be able to use the PC again. That means that I can do almost everything except for bringing categories and channels into order or drawing or creating an aesthetic for the server. So if you decide to help me out, please be aware of that.

If you're interested in either joining or helping me out, please lemme know down below. :)

[lefluoritesys]

A breakdown of apps you can use to communicate with your alters as separate people and write down information about them online and offline with their pros, cons, and a personal rating because I really needed it when I was new to being a system:

Note: by "PC" I mean any computer/macbook/etc. By "all devices" I mean PC, mobile, tablet, iPad, etc.

I apologize for mistakes in advance.

1. Antar: An app created to chat with your "inner self," found in both Play Store and AppStore. One of the more popular ones among systems. It is an app where you get to create personas that would be chatting with each other in chats called "sessions." Those sessions can either be given a name or just left named after the date they were created on. Each persona is given a color that would become the color of their messages in sessions. Offline app.

Pros: Fiarly easy to use, no in-depth information needed to access it fully. Biometric lock; 4 languages (English, Chinese, Hindi, Spanish) for the system, however any language can be used via text; no limit to the amount of personas added (as far as I'm aware). Messages sent by the wrong persona can be changed; the "quote" feature allows you to start a thread under a message; provides descriptions of each persona. You can also give your personas an avatar rather than just a color. Has a "replay" and "visualization" feature, though I'd say it's strictly just for funzies.

Cons: Not available on PC; has no backup, phone-related resets or deletion of the app results in all information lost. Session order constantly changes depending on which senssion you entered, which in my opinion (+OCD) is a nuisance; you can't delete the "me" character which I've been wanting to do for a while. Can't add hexcodes.

Personal rating: 6/10. If you need an app that you can lock from unwanted visitors, if you don't mind and even prefer something simple, and if you don't care that the conversations might disappear, this app is a good choice.

2. Discord's PluralKit: A more avdanced discord bot with tons of settings and commands that was created specifically for systems. Allows you to add almost any information about your system memebers, even such things as birthdays. The way it works is, it "proxies" your messages with a certain command somewhere in the "normal" message, sends a message identical to yours from a bot created with the name you chose, and deletes your original message. Basically replaces a message from your account with a message from a bot you created earlier. Proxies are small commands that give the both a green light to do that, and they can be whatever you want them to be. Online bot.

Pros: Feels like different people are talking; allows you to track your switches; available on all devices; one system can be linked to multiple accounts, although you can't create multiple systems under one account; allows you to group alters together; allows you to restrict access to certain information from all users; allows you to add as many alters as you want; has a number of ways you can access the information you put in which would all be sorted and organized for you; autoproxy allows you to not proxy every message you sent; since you can't delete messages of other people on servers that are not yours, and the bot messages are not, in fact, yours, PluralKit allows you to react to the message with an emoji that deletes the proxied message; while you can't use it in DMs, you can set up commands in DMs with the bot; every memeber has a unique code, and so does the system itself, and it records when the member was created; can be exported to SimplyPlural.

Cons: Commands are difficult and complex, and so is the dashboard; can only be used on servers; sometimes offline as all bots are, though rarely; you can't use it anywhere outside discord (a con for those who don't use discord); I had instances where I saw people use it for roleplay which is also allowed; proxies are a pain; you'd need a guide to tell you why certain things are needed in it; you cannot reply to messages with gifs when using a proxy; when being exported to SimplyPlural it exports everything, so if you had 10 members on SimplyPlural and 15 on PluralKit, it's best to add those 5 manually than delete 10 new exported alters (I did it with 100+ alters by accident and it was a pain).

Personal rating: 9/10. Complex, difficult to figure out, but once you get ahold of it and how it works, you'd be amazed. Also a pain that you can't use it in DMs, but it's to be expected from a bot. And you can always create a server with just you.

3. Discord's Tupperbox: A discord bot created mainly for roleplay, but actively used by systems who cannot get along with PluralKit. A simpler bot, easy to use and figure out, most things can be done via dashboard, doesn't have the opportunity to add a lot of inofrmation. Online bot.

Pros: Simple; allows grouping alters; allows different tags for different members and groups, sometimes individually; way simpler commands, and most things can be added via dashboard; looks and works almost the same as PluralKit when in a conversation; available on all devices.

Cons: Can't add avatars via dashboard, only using the commands; can't add two alters with the same name (which you can do with PluralKit); people reported it glitching out and deleting members; mainly used for roleplay; gives a weird list of members via commands that is unusable in my experience; doesn't work out of discord.

Personal rating: 7/10. Perfect for people who just want to talk and not write down information about them with the bot, but the threat of members being deleted, especially as a larger system, is concerning. We mainly use it for OSDD-1a subsystems. It was also not created for systems, as far as I'm aware. I see more cons than pros.

4. Simply Plural: Another more well-known tool used and created for systems. Simply Plural is an app that allows you to create profiles of your members and add any information you'd like about them via custom fields. It has a chat feature, allows you to track your front and switch history, add friends, and many more. Supports endogenic systems (which is being mentioned not for discorse purposes but as a fact. Whether you find it good or not is up to you) and allows singlets to create profiles as well, although I don't know a lot about that part. Both offline and online app.

Pros (and a bit about the app): Backup included; tracks your switches and front, allows you to change exact time for them, too (24-hour clock down to minutes included); the polls feature works like polls on same Tumblr and everywhere else but specifically for your system memebrs; analytics provide information about who fronts the most, during what time of day they usually front; you and your friends can see each other's profiles, which is why singlets can also create profiles, which allows you to acces info about each other's systems; "trusted people" feature allows you to pick whether you want everybody to see your alters or not, or if you want outsiders to see your profile at all; provides resources and guides to plurality (which I personally haven't checked, but still putting it in the pros, if somebody thinks I shouldn't, let me know); has an app reminders feature; you can add as much information as you want; front history shows up in a person's profile; alters can add notes; alter groups are available; available on all devices, however, only as a website on PC; colors of your alters can be used in the chat to highlight names; hexcodes are available; "custom front" is a status you set with fronting which can be hilarious sometimes; connects to PluralKit in a number of ways.

Cons: The chat feature is a bit difficult to use, and first time I did, I freaked out because I couldn't get out of it (the trick is to go to "channels" and press "navigation", there you'll see the dashboard); friends can't communicate with each other; copy-pasting is hard on both mobile and PC; something about the interface and navigation irks me and our visually impaired self; notes have same visibility as the profile itself, which is inconvenient if you want your profile to be seen but not your notes; avatars can't be added via website.

Personal rating: 6/10. I don't like how it looks and works (probably due to being visually impaired and other issues), but if you manage to get the information in it, it's pretty accessible and thoughtful of what systems might need. Could be used as a tool to start working with your system rather than do it long-term.

5. Twinote: An app that is your "personal Twitter." Pretty sure it was created for the purpose of having fun rather communicating with alters. Offline app.

Pros: Backup provided; allows "private accounts" that other "users" can't see; can create as many users as you want, as many posts as you want; can upload up to 4 images; works almost like Twitter; has a chat feature; comments, retweets, likes are present; "lists" feature allows you to group users and see only their messages which could be used for "things only protectors sent" and such; storage shows all pictures used in the app, so you won't lose anything; tagging and following people is still an option, and following private accounts give that user an opportunity to be the only one seeing their tweets.

Cons: Can't upload videos; can't do much with anything other than posts and profiles, so trends and other stuff there is off-limits (as far as I know); you have to constantly switch between profiles for the chat feature; share button only shares the contents of the message; very easy to accidentally press the wrong button and delete a tweet by dragging it left (which I almost did a few times).

Personal rating: 7,5/10. I know it's probably annoying that I didn't just type either 7 or 8, but the reaosn why is cause I have mixed feelings about it from a practical point of view. We use it strictly to communicate what we did during the day as a small journal and just joke with each other, and it's incredibly funny in itself, but it doesn't allow you to write down a lot of information about your alters and has a character limit in profiles. So it's strictly for communication.

6. Notion: An app created as a dashboard for literally everything you could ever dream of. You can personalize it however you want and use it for whatever you want. Those who saw the post we made a while ago probably know the reason I'm mentioning it is due to a template that I linked here. Online app.

Pros: Can be used for literally everything without limits; available on all devices; big and has enough storage for a lot of information, text, projects, etc; can be designed however you want; a lot of useful templates for all life instances (even taxes); can be shared with people who also use Notion in a variety of ways (either only comment, only see, etc); can add your own custom covers and icons via both gallery and links; looks neat and doesn't mess with visual impairment for us; can add a page in a page in a page which can be used for diaries; links to different pages on other pages are also available; endless possibilities, I could rant all day.

Cons: Glitches on the phone a lot; certain things are allowed on computer and not on mobile and vice versa; all templates available only on PC; you need to have an account in order to use it; glitches if it's offline; sometimes deletes a bunch of text because of glitches, usually the triggers for it are writing a lot in it directly or erasing previous text a bunch of times; can't invite someone in your space, it would take too much storage; some storage needs to be bought, although, I don't know the limit (but there's a lot. Like, a lot)

Personal rating: 9/10. With all its antics, I love this app dearly, it's incredibly useful, and you learn to deal with the cons. It's the best one I've used for communication and information storage so far.

7. Texting Stories app: As ridiculous as it sounds, it could be used as a tool to communicate with your alters, especially in secret. We are fighting for our safety here, so I ask you to take this suggestion seriously. Could be used when you don't want to let anyone know you're a system and have noisy family members/relatives/etc who like to snoop through you personal devices, by using it, you can say you've just been doing a story. Offline app.

Pros: I believe you can add as many people as you want; can add avatars; different stories can be different days of the week; easy to use; easy to brush off as "just making stories."

Cons: Can't change colors, you need to pay for most things.

Personal rating: 5/10. Can be used for emergencies and communication only, although we haven't used it much.

8. Notes: Just the same plain old notes app on your phone that everybody has installed as default. Offline app.

Pros: Easy to use; can be easily lost within your other notes for privacy; used for literally everything you desire, even drawing; automatic backup.

Cons: Doesn't give you the ability to really present as separate people; doesn't have as many options as Notion.

Personal rating: 5/10. used it at some point just for communication, was cool, somple, easy, but nothing too big.

I hope this helped to put these apps in perspective. I do apologize for it being a bit all over the place, but I did attempt to make it coherent enough (I am currently in a psychotic state, it's difficult for me to communicate). And remember, there are always options to use a written journal rather than a digital one. If anything, it's better to keep both in case one gets lost. Who knows, maybe our parents asking us what we would do if the internet disappeared is actually a warning. /j /nm

-host

[ayyy-pee]

𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 4 - 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑻𝒓𝒖𝒕𝒉 𝑼𝒏𝒕𝒐𝒍𝒅

Discord 18+ - Twitter - Previous Chapter - Next Chapter - Series Masterlist

Pairing: Choso x f! Reader

Summary: Will this pain ever stop?

Chapter Warnings: Angst...again lmfao

WC: 6k

Choso Art By:NC9__

**While not all chapters contain adult content, the themes of this story are targeted towards adults, so minors DNI please.

You have an art project due.

You have an art project due that's worth sixty percent of your grade. 

You have an art project due that's worth sixty perfect of your grade, and you haven't even started it yet.

The canvas you’d set up two hours ago has been sitting in front of you without so much as a line drawn on it. The assignment is to sketch or paint something or someone meaningful from memory. You have many places you could choose from. You could paint your parents. They obviously mean the world to you. You could sketch your hometown, your friends from home or maybe your childhood bedroom.

Then there’s the obvious choice – the beach. The beach where you spent so many of your formative years. The beach where so many amazing memories were made. The beach where you met –

You shake your head wildly, willing yourself not to think about it, about him.

After four long months, many unanswered messages (because you’re blocked) and too many sad tears shed to count, you have now entered into the anger stage of your grief journey (with a sprinkle of the sads!). And honestly? It’s been easier for you that way. It’s been easier to hate him for what he did.

Him – because he doesn’t deserve his name to be uttered by you ever again. Not after the way he treated you. It’s not even the fact that he rejected you, though that sting was something you never want to experience again. But to make the choice to just end over a decade of friendship in the blink of an eye? A decision that wasn’t only his to make. To block you without another word? To just drop you like some stranger on the street after so many years, so many firsts together. To treat you like you never mattered at all…

Yeah, he can go to hell for all you care.

You push your canvas back with more force than necessary. Your artistic mood is ruined anyway, not that you were in one to begin with. It’s good timing, too, because a light knock echoes through your dorm door, and you beckon the visitor in.

“Hey,” Suguru enters, hands full of two six packs of beer. “You coming to Kai’s?”

Right. Tonight, Kaito – who you may or may not have vomited breakfast, lunch and dinner on after drinking too much and having a full on breakdown about him in the hallway in his hallway a week after he broke your heart – has invited you all over for a party!

It wasn’t Kaito’s fault. It was yours, really. You couldn’t look at the guy without being reminded of the conversation that led to your heartbreak.

“You should be with someone like him.” The memory played on loop in your drunken mind, pulled tears and anger from the depths of your soul and forced it all up for everyone to see.

Absolutely humiliating. Yet, despite your unfortunate mishap at the last gathering, Kaito still seemed to be interested in you. It probably helps that he has no idea that you confessed your feelings to your best – former best friend only to have your heart ripped out and fed back to you. You’d like to keep it that way. Some truths really are better left untold.

“I guess I could go,” you mutter to Suguru who has now cracked open a beer and placed it in front of you.

“Cool. Everyone’s already over there if you wanna walk together..” You open your mouth to protest, but Suguru quickly cuts you off. “I don’t mind waiting. It’s dark out anyway.” He flops down onto your bed, careful not to spill his drink. “Don’t feel comfortable with you walking alone.”

You stare at your friend from your spot on the floor. Sometimes - and you know it’s your mind inflicting its own sick torment on itself - Suguru reminds you so much of him in so many ways that it hurts. He’s quiet and caring, sweet and just an overall good person. He protects you in ways that feel so familiar it scares you. While there are no romantic feelings there for Suguru, you’ve found yourself growing even closer to him while navigating your heartbreak because of the familiar comfort he provides.

The warm sting forming along your waterline surprises you. Yes, you’re angry but there are still times when the overwhelming sadness feels just as fresh. You haven’t cried over this in awhile, but the kindness Suguru shows you consistently makes you think of those summers. And those summers make you think of his warmth and kindness that you’ve known all your life. And the memory of his warmth and kindness feels like a jagged blade being shoved slowly into your chest.

“You good?” Suguru’s quiet voice pulls you back to the present. “You look about two seconds from bursting into tears…”

You swipe at your eyes quickly, clearing your throat. “Yeah…yeah, I’m fine. Just stressed about this damn project. You know how it is.”

Even from across the room, you can see the way Suguru’s eyes narrow just slightly. He’s always been good at picking up on cues, catching people’s lies. But he doesn’t pry further, and you’re grateful when he simply stands and practically floats across the room where he reaches into the box of beers and easily pops the cap off of the bottle before handing it to you.

“Easy fix for all that stress,” he tells you. Your hand wraps around the bottle and you give Suguru a weak smile.

“Kai’s excited to see you, by the way,” Suguru adds, grinning behind his beer when he sees you choke on your first swig. He’s a good friend, but he can be such a dick sometimes! No wonder he and Satoru are so close. They both get off on catching people off guard, watching them squirm.

After nearly passing into the afterlife, you manage to finally catch your breath when Suguru takes pity on you and slaps a large hand against your back. “Is–” you cough harshly. “Is he really?”

“Yup. Dude likes you a lot even after you puked all over his new–”

“STOOOOOPPPPPP!”

“Shirt that he bought exactly for–”

“ENOUGH!!!” You squeeze your eyes shut.

“Hanging out with y–”

“I’m gonna yank your hair!” You slap your hands over your ears.

Suguru’s head falls back with raucous laughter. “As much as I’d love that, save the kinks for Kaito, please.” 

Your face practically ignites with embarrassment. Even joking about becoming intimate with someone after having only been kissed once makes you want to crawl into a hole. You take everything back. You hate Suguru and his teasing. 

Suguru downs the rest of his beer, happily observing your discomfort. “Go change so we can head out.”

You stand, flipping Suguru off before you head into the bathroom to get ready. You’re excited to go. You’re excited to see your friends and have a carefree time. And surprisingly, you’re kind of excited to see Kaito. You hope tonight will get your mind off of everything. You really need to forget all that’s been plaguing you over the last several months.

- - - - - -

When Suguru said Kaito was having a party, you didn’t think he meant an absolute fucking rager. Does no one give a damn that you’re quickly approaching midterms? Not to mention the mid-semester enormous projects your professors have been dumping on everyone! 

No one cares? 

No? 

Just you? 

Okay.

You suppose you could set your worries and stress and lingering thoughts about he who shall not be named aside for one night before it’s back to your regular scheduled programming. Even still, you just can’t wrap your head around how insane this party is. The last time you were at Kaito’s house (that’s putting it lightly – it’s more like a damn castle!), it was just your small study group. And you were very clearly going through something at the time, hence you spewing your guts out shortly after arriving for “casual” drinks and game night.

But tonight is different. There are warm bodies packed into the space, and you wonder if it’s the whole of the university that has been crammed into this place. Music is blaring so loudly you’re sure this party violates almost every noise ordinance there is. And again, no one seems to care. Everyone is pressed up against someone; hips moving scandalously to the beat. Multi colored lights flash across the room in time with the music. It’s more like a club here than a house party. It’s no wonder Suguru made you change out of your sweats and into a practically skintight dress.

If you’re going to enjoy this party, you’re going to need a drink – just one this time! You tell Suguru you’ll catch up with him in a bit, then maneuver your way into the kitchen as quickly as possible. When you’re there, you’re relieved to find that the kitchen is rather empty, just a few stragglers hanging around to grab more beverages. You appreciate the quietness in here, because the short time you were in the main room, the thumping was already giving you a headache.

Your eyes land on the counter where all the mixers and liquor sit. One little tequila and orange juice isn’t going to kill you, or result in you slumped on the couch (again), so you pour your little drink and take a sip. The burn of the alcohol is welcome. It soothes the bit of anxiety beginning to swell in your chest from the idea of having to move through that crowd again to find your friends.

“You look…” A smooth voice comes from behind you, making you jump in surprise. You spin around to find emerald eyes roaming along your form, appreciating the way the fabric of your dress hugs all your curves beautifully. “Wow…”

“Thank you, Kai,” you breathe, hiding shyly behind your red solo cup. “You look good, too.”

Kaito’s pretty grin spreads along his face, the two of you standing to the side of the small group gathered in the kitchen. “Suguru told me you were getting a drink. Had to come find you. How’ve you been?” He questions, reaching past you to grab a bottle of liquor. “Excuse me.” He pours himself a bit of alcohol.

“Not bad, just busy with this art project. I know I haven’t been around much, but I need to get a good grade on this one.”

He nods, eyes boring into yours. “I feel that. That’s why I threw this party.” He waves his hand around the room. “Needed something to get my mind off shit.”

Images of what – no, who – your mind has been stuck on flash through your mind, and you take another swig of your drink to quell the sadness threatening to resurface. “Honestly, I’m glad you did.”

Kaito smiles down at you, and you feel your heart race behind your ribcage. “Me, too. I’m really glad you came.”

You spend a good while speaking with Kaito in the kitchen, completely forgetting about the party outside of this room and your friends in general. It’s surprisingly refreshing. You’re open with Kaito, laughing at his jokes, letting him flatter you with the compliments he can’t seem to help but shower you with.

And you like it.

You like him. 

Kaito makes you feel good. You had no idea how much you needed to feel good until now. And even as Kaito leads you outside to a balcony overlooking a gorgeously lit garden, even as the music pumps so loudly through the closed double doors, it’s nothing compared to the pounding  Kaito causes your heart to do.

Maybe it really is a good thing that you came to this party. And a good thing you only had one drink!

“So…” Kaito sighs, staring out over the pretty shrubs and the enormous fountain that sits in the center of this outdoor garden. “Can’t believe senior year is coming up so quickly.”

“Oh wow, it really is. You’ll be graduating before you know it.”

“Scary times. Not looking forward to finding out what the real world's like.”

You hum in agreement. In another year you'll be in Kaito’s position, wondering what you will be doing for the rest of your life. And Kaito is right. It’s scary to think about. All of this stress from school will build up to something, though you don’t know what that something is yet. You’d love to sit and ponder on what your future holds, because just a few months before, you were fairly certain you knew what and who you wanted. But so much has changed in such a short amount of time. You don’t know what’s next for you. Regardless, you want to be open to change.

“There will be no talking about futures together, making plans, sailing off into the sunset…none of it.”

Yeah, you need to be open to change.

You sigh loudly. “As much as I love letting the existential dread set in, did you bring me out here to talk about school?”

Kaito laughs, running his fingers through his dark hair and you can just barely make out the crimson spreading along his cheeks in this dim lighting. He’s nervous, and you find it adorable. “No. No, of course not. I just…ah, fuck.”

You place a hand on his arm, soothingly patting. “Take your time…”

His eyes narrow playfully as he bites his lip, shaking his head. He leans against the balcony railing, turning to face you. “I really like you…” he admits, then he chuckles. “You know, if that wasn’t obvious.”

“I would have never guessed,” you tease, and Kaito laughs again. “I like you, too, Kai. I know I’ve been kind of…” You try to find the right word for your behavior over the last four months, but all you can come up with is, “a mess. But I do like you.”

Kaito’s face lights up. It’s so cute, the way he looks so excited to hear this. He moves closer to you, taking your hand in his, and you feel your heartbeat pick up speed.

“I’m so glad. I thought there was no way you were interested.”

This makes you burst into a fit of giggles. “How are you the one surprised here? I puked all over you and somehow you still like me.”

Kaito’s teeth sink into his bottom lip again, and he grins. “Would you think I was an absolute freak if I said that somehow made me like you more?”

Your brows knit together in confusion, but you can’t help the goofy smile spreading across your lips.

“I just mean!” Kaito stumbles over his words, trying to correct himself. His fingers card through his hair again, and you make note that this seems to be a nervous habit of his. “Ugh, I mean…most girls have something absolutely humiliating like that happen and–”

“Off to a great start,” you jest, which makes Kaito smile harder.

“You know what I mean. I just didn’t think that you’d still want to be friends after something like that happened. I was kind of worried that you’d be too embarrassed to want to talk to me.”

“I was,” you admit. “But you kept coming around to study group so it made it kind of hard to avoid you.” Your lips quirk into a smirk, letting Kaito know that you’re still teasing him.

“You’re so mean to me,” he pouts cutely before he adds, “Would you think I was an absolute freak if I said that somehow makes me like you more?” He winks, and you both fall into a fit of giggles.

You’re not sure when the last time you felt so…free was. The air around Kaito is so refreshing, so light, so nice. You can be yourself with him. You can laugh with him. You can just…be with him.

Kaito’s sudden silence has you peering up at him, only to find his face serious. Somehow, you’re just noticing that he’s much closer. He leans down slowly, and your heart thrums loudly in your ears as your breaths mingle. Kaito has his eyes locked on your mouth, his tongue peeking out to run along his bottom lip and your eyes follow the motion. 

“I want to kiss you so badly…” He confesses quietly. “So badly.” 

Your cheeks warm at the prospect. You’ve never kissed anyone besides him. And you’re unsure if–

No.

You push the memory away. He wanted you to be happy even if it meant it was with someone else. He removed himself from your life to make sure of that. So now, you will do what was asked of you, and move on.

“Can I…” Kaito’s voice beckons you back to him. “Kiss you?”

“...yes.” You nod, agreeing quickly. The both of you slowly lean closer, Kaito’s hand squeezing yours, until your lips just barely ghost over each other. Kaito’s hand comes up to cup your cheek, then he closes the distance, pressing his mouth gently to yours.

His lips are so soft, so careful as they move against yours. The taste of Kaito’s mouth has you sighing into the kiss, the mixture of mint and whiskey more pleasant than you would have imagined. It’s nice, just like everything about Kaito. 

Your mind is reeling, heart beating wildly in your chest. You’re finally experiencing your first kiss at college! You used to dream of this moment. Giving your first college kiss to someone you really like. And you really like Kaito. This kiss…it’s everything you ever hoped for!

So why does the way Kaito’s lips caress yours feel so wrong? Why does the way his hand gently strokes your cheek feel so off? And the way he sighs your name against your lips? It’s just all so wrong.

You try to fight it, try to resist the way your head floods with images of that hot summer night at the beach all those years ago, of that kiss that seems to have ruined you for all other men. How compared to everything else going on at this moment, it all felt right. There were no awkward feelings, no doubts, no sudden alarms blaring in your head telling you that you should not be kissing this person. And it has your heart dropping.

This isn’t fair.

It isn’t fair that no matter how much you think you’ve moved forward and healed, it only takes one tiny thing to send you right back to square one. It isn’t fair that you’ve been put in this position by no choice of your own in the first place. It isn’t fair that even as this man who so clearly likes you presses his lips to yours, you can only think of being somewhere else with someone who isn’t him.

It isn’t fucking fair.

What’s even worse is that that damn beach seems to haunt you no matter what you do. It’s crazy how you can see the water so clearly in your mind, damn near feel the mist of the ocean spray on your face as Kaito slots his lips against yours. And it seems Kaito feels this mist as well, because he pulls back, brows knit together as his beautiful eyes roam your features.

“Did I do something wrong?” He questions quietly. The confusion seems to be clear as day on your face because Kaito gently swipes at your cheek and it’s then that you feel the wetness on your skin. Tears; big, fat ones at that. You hadn’t even realized you had started crying.

A sob involuntarily rips from your throat and your hands fly to your mouth to cover the sound. But then another follows. And another. And it’s all you can do to just close your eyes and try to will yourself not to break down right here. But when you feel yourself wrapped in an unfamiliar, but soothing embrace, a wave of emotion comes crashing down on you harder than the wave that brought you to him over a decade ago. And it only makes you cry harder. Kaito’s arms squeeze you tightly, his hand rubbing soft circles on your back.

“It’s okay…” he whispers, though you can hardly hear him over your weeping. “Whatever’s going on…it’s gonna be okay.”

The two of you stand like this for a while. Kaito simply holds you until your body stops shaking with each sob. 

“I–” You sniffle loudly, burying your face in Kaito’s chest because once again, you’ve embarrassed yourself in front of him and now you’re too ashamed to look at him. “I’m so, so sorry, Kai.”

His hands fall on your shoulders, pulling you from his hold and you peer up at him, only to find him gazing softly down at you.

“Don’t worry about it.”

Kaito is so sweet. Too sweet for you, who is too damaged to be of any good to him.

“I’m going through sort of a break up right now,” you confess. “I care about him very much, but it just didn’t work out. I thought I was ready to move on, to try this, but I don’t think I am.” You feel fresh tears beginning to fall. “I’m sorry. I really do like you, but I’m just not ready for anything new.”

Kaito nods, in understanding, pulling you back into his arms when he sees another tear roll down your cheek. “I get it. You don’t have to explain yourself.”

See? Too sweet for you.

Kaito whispers your name as he releases his hold on you. “Just know that you’re an amazing person. I’d still love to be friends with you, if you’re comfortable with that.” He squeezes your shoulder comfortingly. “And whoever broke your heart…they fucked up letting you go.”

His words make you want to cry harder. You wish you could believe that, believe that you were worth fighting for. But you were the one fighting, and right now, you feel like the one who lost.

Still, you manage to mutter a quick “thank you” before you hug Kaito one last time for the night.

- - - - - -

Maybe you’re doomed to never leave Kaito’s house on a good note. Twice you’ve left there in shambles, and you’re not willing to see if the third time’s a charm.

You leave Kaito’s without bothering to find your friends to say goodbye. You don’t want to see them, don’t want to explain the reason why you’re suddenly racing back to your dorm. Don’t want them to know that the moment you get back to your dorm you’ll be falling to pieces. You want to be alone. 

In the safety of your dorm, there’s no one here to tell you it will be alright, no one to soothe your pain or offer you words of encouragement. And you don’t want it. You want to feel these emotions, let them all out as the waves come. You need the space to do so.

You don’t care that you’re standing in your room in the same stupid dress you were wearing when you broke down in front of Kaito after telling him you liked him, after having your first kiss in college with him. You feel ridiculous as is, so what’s one more thing to add to the roster? 

Your eyes spot the stupid blank canvas on your table, still in the same spot you left it when you headed out to the party with Suguru, and your body moves on autopilot. You let your hands do what they know how to do best, dipping your paint brush into whatever color feels right. 

Each stroke of the brush feels like a weight lifted, feels cathartic and the sorrow that drove you to paint in the first place melts into raw anger. The tears fall as an image begins to take shape, furious brushstrokes flying across the canvas.

You don’t know how long you’re sitting there painting, but when you’re no longer able to shed another tear, and your angry sobs finally subside, you set your brush aside and observe the finished product.

It’s the beach - your beach - painted the way you see it now. 

Messy. 

Distorted. 

Tainted with memories that now leave a sick taste in your mouth. 

And it’s beautiful.

You wipe your swollen eyes as you stand and strip off your dress, leaving the fabric in a pile on the floor. You don’t give the painting any more attention, don’t bother looking back, leaving it to dry while you head to the bathroom to shower and get ready for bed.

Come Monday, when you present your project in class, your professor does not hesitate to gift you an A. You listen numbly as she rambles about the raw emotion it evokes. She sings your praises about your growth this semester, and she tells you she hopes to see more of this passion in your future work. 

It’s bittersweet, but you suppose something good had to come from all of this pain. 

Maybe one day, when it’s not such a sore spot, when it doesn’t hurt so fucking much, you’ll thank him for it.

- - - - - -

Your senior year creeps up on you. All of your hard work has finally paid off, and you’ve fortunately been able to take it pretty easy for your last year of college. You even had time to complete an internship with an incredible art gallery and may have a position lined up for after graduation!

You want it so badly, so you’ve been spending more time experimenting with your art. It keeps you busy, which is exactly what you need.

Utahime and Shoko are officially together, not that their relationship was much of a secret to begin with. You love seeing those two together. Especially now that Utahime is no longer struggling with her classes. She can dedicate more time to her music and spend more time with her girlfriend before she leaves for medical school.

They’re sweet with each other, but third wheeling with them sucks. Nothing is fun when you’re stuck watching your friends making out wherever you go. You still love them, but you’ll see them again once they’re out of the honeymoon phase. So maybe you’ll never see them again. Who knows?

Satoru and Suguru…They also became a couple, but that was a toxic situation that lasted about a year before they had a very nasty breakup that ended with Suguru transferring schools. 

Though Satoru does make frequent visits to “see his friends” that just so happen to live in the same city that Suguru moved to. You’re not sure what’s up with your friends and feeling the need to hide their relationships when it’s all so glaringly obvious what they’re up to. But you don’t pry.

And you? You haven’t tried dating anyone since that disastrous night at Kaito’s. You needed time to heal, so you’ve poured all your energy into your artwork. Clearly it’s paid off for you.

Speaking of Kaito, he graduated! He was offered an amazing position with a great company, and actually moved out of the country. You two remain good friends, which is why as you lie in bed scrolling through your Instagram feed, you see the pictures of him and his new girlfriend on your feed. You double tap, liking it. They’re so cute together. And Kaito seems so happy, and you’re happy for him.

Your finger continues to swipe at the screen, scrolling through pictures and videos of your friends. Some of your high school friends have gotten married. Some are pregnant. Others have adopted a new pet. Now that you’ve got time to breathe, it feels like everyone’s life is changing so quickly. 

But still, it’s nice to have time to do absolutely nothing. You spent a good majority of your college career frantically trying to keep your head above water. You’re glad for the downtime.

A notification suddenly pops up on your Instagram. It’s a message request, though you’re not sure from who. 

“You love stallions?” You question aloud. “Who the hell…” You squint, bringing your phone closer to your face to see if the profile picture gives you any clues as to who is randomly sending you a message. But it’s just a pair of…red shoes? You have half a mind to delete the message, because when you try to view the page, it’s private.

But apparently, you’ve really got time on your hands, because curiosity gets the better of you and you open the message.

yuluvstallions: hi Y/N!!! 

yuluvstallions: (i hope this is ur page. I messaged like 4 others) 

yuluvstallions: It’s me! Yuji!! It’s been a REALLY long time! Hope ur doin good! Plz tell ur mom nd dad i said hi! 

yuluvstallions: I miss u SO much so i had 2 try nd find u on here! N e way. Idk if u remember but my bday is comin up in a few weeks! Im gunna be 13! Can u believe it?! IM A TEENAGER!!!

yuluvstallions: i think u might b on spring break during that time, so id really love it if u could come. I’ll send details here

Yuji attaches an image of his party invitation, and you can’t even focus on that because you suddenly feel like you can’t breathe. The invitation font sits atop the background image, against the sky. It gives all of the location’s details, the time and the date. And at the bottom of this image are the four brothers, standing on the beach with their arms around each other’s shoulders and big grins on their faces.

There’s Yuji, who looks to be almost as tall as you, wears the biggest smile. Then Kechizu, who is still short and stocky, the same way you remember him. Eso, who has a mohawk now? And then, there’s him.

Choso.

You set your phone down. You think you’re going to be sick.

- - - - - -

It’s nearly one in the morning when Choso arrives home. He’s not usually off this late, but he’s been finding it easier to sleep when he comes home absolutely exhausted. Though it doesn’t help much. He’s only been managing to sleep a few hours a night for the last few years, and somehow, by some miracle, he hasn’t keeled over. 

Choso sets his keys down, heading up the stairs, careful to avoid the worn steps that he knows will creak beneath the pressure so as to not wake Yuji. He slips into the bathroom where he strips off his uniform and steps into the shower. The heat of the water melts away the thick scent of dairy and sugar from Choso’s skin and hair, and he finally feels like he can relax.

It’s been a surprisingly busy spring season. He can thank spring break for that. The town has university students coming in and out like a revolving door, and business is booming because of it. He can’t complain. It’s more money, and it keeps his mind off of…things.

Choso finally settles into bed, pulling his blanket up to his chin. He’s exhausted.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like sleep is in his near future because he hears a knock on his door the second he closes his eyes. The door cracks open, a head of pink hair peeking in. His youngest brother slips into his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Yuji looks nervous, moving across Choso’s room to sit at his desk. “Hi, big brother,” he beams. “How was work?” And while Choso loves when Choso refers to him as his big brother, he can only assume Yuji wants something.

“What is it?” He asks, voice clearly conveying his exhaustion.

Yuji plays with the hem of his shirt, eyes fixed on the floor. “So…as you know, my birthday bonfire is coming up.”

“Still can’t believe you’re about to be 13,” Choso sighs, shakily. Yuji has grown up so fast and is quickly becoming an incredible young man.

‘Don’t cry. Don’t cry…’

Yuji chuckles nervously. “Yeah…so…It’s a big milestone, right? Like, a big birthday because I’m finally a teenager…”

“Yes…I know…What are you getting at?”

“Would it be okay if I invited…” he trails off, but it's obvious who Yuji’s referring to – you. Of course Yuji wants to see you. He's got the same emotional attachment to you as Choso has to him. He can admit that in the past it made him jealous, how much Yuji loved you. And how much you loved Yuji. But right now, the idea of Yuji extending an invitation to you after not seeing you for almost half a decade, after the way things were left off between you…it sets his nerves on fire.

He has no idea what you're up to these days. It takes a hell of a lot of restraint each time the temptation crosses his mind, but he doesn't check your social media. And if his brothers have any contact with you, they don't provide him any insight into your life either. Though Choso thinks that's more in protest of how things went down between you two, not to protect his feelings. They always did love you more. 

But would Choso be able to handle seeing you after the way he treated you all these years later? The idea of seeing you standing in front of him makes him feel sick. And the idea of seeing you standing in front of him with…Kaito, or whoever you may be dating now makes him want to vomit. He knows he told you to move on, find someone who could be better for him than he could ever be, but he doesn’t want that flaunted in his face either.

Ugh, this is just all fucked up.

Choso’s aware of how selfish it would be for him to say no to Yuji because of his own feelings. Because he’s scared to face the consequences of his actions. He caused this rift between you two. He burned the bridge. Not you. Not Yuji. Choso did that. Maybe you’ll show up. He’s sure Yuji and his other brothers would love to see you. Worst case and most likely scenario, you hate Choso and won’t come at all. 

That idea hurts just as much. 

But Choso can’t use what he did as a reason to tell Yuji no.

“Sure,” Choso finally grunts. “Invite her, but don’t get your hopes up.”

Yuji grins, wide and goofy. He stands, clapping his hands together as he makes his way out the door before calling back, “Good! Because I already invited her and she said she’s comingggg!” He sings from the hall.

“YUJI, SHUT UP!” Choso hears Eso’s muffled yell from his room, followed by Yuji’s loud laughter.

Choso groans, staring up at the ceiling as his mind races. If he thought he was getting any sleep tonight, he was sorely mistaken. How could he sleep now? Knowing that in a few short weeks, he’ll be seeing you for the first time in years. Potentially speaking to you for the first time since he hung up in your face and blocked any form of communication with you. The conversation haunts him to this day, like some strange form of punishment. It’s why he works so much, why he sleeps so little. At least when he’s awake, he can keep his thoughts at bay.

Exhaustion snatches Choso, his body finally giving in so he can sleep. He’s sure he’ll wake up tomorrow feeling as though he never relaxed for a moment. That’s how it always is. Because while he can keep himself busy enough to not think of you for a second while he’s awake, it’s when he closes his eyes that his mind torments him with nothing but images of you.

This time, his dreams are pleasant. This time, he sees you and him together. You and him, on the beach where it all began.

[rafesapologist]

the setback ─ rafe cameron; part eleven

summary: it's been two years since your departure from the outer banks and rafe cameron has seemingly convinced himself that he can go on with his life as if you never happened, except now more than ever his addiction is at an all time high. whether he was snorting lines of cocaine at wild parties or drowning himself in alcohol to numb the pain, rafe couldn't escape the memories of you. despite his efforts to bury his feelings, your absence lingered like a shadow, haunting him at every turn. meanwhile, you've been navigating life outside the outer banks, trying to carve out a new path for yourself. but no matter how far you've traveled, the memories of rafe cameron still linger in your heart, leaving you with a sense of unfinished business. as you find yourself facing new challenges and opportunities, you can't help but wonder if fate will eventually bring you back to the place where it all began.

warnings: swearing, just mostly angst

His lips lingered like the final note of a symphony, suspended in the air, resonating with the depth of the situation between you two. His hands were tender and gentle as they cupped your face with the delicacy of a whisper, as if he were cradling a fragile dream. His fingers traced the contours of your cheek feeling the warmth that lingered like the last rays of a setting sun.

The intensity of the moment held you captive, locking away the words that danced on the tip of your tongue. It was as if time itself had paused, allowing you to drown in the depths of his gaze, searching for answers to questions you couldn't bring yourself to ask.

In the silence that stretched between you, there was an unspoken understanding, a silent conversation that transcended words. It was in the way his eyes crinkled at the corners, mirroring the warmth in your heart, and the way your breaths fell into sync, as if they were orchestrating a melody only the two of you could hear.

"I wish we hadn't lost all that time," Rafe's words carried the weight of regret, each syllable heavy with the burden of what could have been. You felt his anguish seep into the air, thick and suffocating, wrapping around you both like a shroud of sorrow. Tears welled in your eyes as you listened to him, his apologies echoing in the chambers of your heart. You wanted to tell him that none of it was his fault, that life had a way of steering its course beyond their control, but the words caught in your throat, choked by the weight of your own emotions.

Despite your eyes squeezed shut to fight back your tears from falling, Rafe continued, "You left this island because of me. And because of that, it led you right into Maybank's arms." He seethed, combing his hand through his hair hysterically as he shook his head at the ground. You could see the war waging in his mind by the depths of his discordant gaze. JJ's name was an acrid bitterness on his tongue, as if the taste of every vowel left a lingering taste of a cruel reminder.

"Things were different back then," you warbled in a hushed cadence, "after everything came out I thought it would be easier on you to not be reminded of me. I thought I was helping you move on."

Rafe gazed at you in bewilderment, as though you had spun a cruel jest. His eyes were wild and frenzied, darting back and forth with manic urgency, as if searching your face for a hint of laughter, a sign that it was merely a joke you were telling him.

"Y/n, you're kidding, right? It was fucking hell when you left here," he let out an unhumored laugh, the sound hollow and pained.

Your heart clenched at his words, the pain in his voice cutting through you like a knife. "Rafe, I... I didn't know. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought you hated me after everything that happened."

"Hate you?" Rafe's voice softened, his anger giving way to raw vulnerability. "I could never hate you, Y/n. I was hurt, confused, but I never hated you. I just... I didn't understand why you left."

You looked down, unable to meet his gaze, tears blurring your vision. "I was scared, Rafe. Scared of what we were becoming, scared of losing myself in all of it. I thought leaving was the only way to protect us both, before we ruined each other."

Rafe gently lifted your chin, forcing you to look into his eyes. "But it didn't protect us. It just tore us apart. And now... now you're telling me you won't do it again, that you won't betray me, but what about JJ? What about everything that's happening now?"

You took a deep breath, trying to steady your racing heart. "I told JJ I can't do it. I can't spy on you, Rafe. It's not right, and it won't solve anything. We have to find another way."

He nodded slowly, relief and sadness mingling in his eyes. "Okay. We'll find another way. Just... please, don't leave again. I don't think I could handle it."

"I won't," you whispered, wrapping your arms around him, holding him as tightly as you could. "I'm here, Rafe. I'm not going anywhere."

As you stood in the rain, lost in Rafe's arms, you began to distance yourself from the world. The sound of the rain hitting the wooden planks of the dock created a symphony that seemed to resonate with the depth of your emotions. The warmth of Rafe's embrace, the steady rhythm of his heartbeat against yours, and the gentle patter of raindrops all blended into a moment of fragile peace. It was as if time had stopped, allowing you to savor this brief respite from the chaos of your reality.

But the world had a way of intruding, even in the most perfect moments. Your phone began to ring, shattering the illusion of tranquility. You pulled away slightly, the sound pulling you back to reality. Rafe's eyes searched yours, concern etched in his features as he watched you fumble for your phone.

You glanced at the screen and saw Sarah's name flashing, the sound of her ringtone piercing through the night.

"Sarah," you muttered, feeling a mix of urgency and dread. You answered the call, your voice barely a whisper. "Hello?"

"Y/n, where are you? JJ's been looking for you everywhere," Sarah's voice was frantic, a stark contrast to the calm you had just been enveloped in. "He thinks something's happened. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," you replied, glancing at Rafe who was still holding onto you, his eyes never leaving your face. "I'm with Rafe. We're talking things out."

There was a pause on the other end, followed by a sigh. "Okay, but you need to come back soon. JJ's not in a good place, and he's worried sick about you."

You nodded, even though Sarah couldn't see you. "I'll be back soon. Just tell JJ I'm okay."

"Alright, but hurry. And be careful," Sarah added before hanging up.

You slipped your phone back into your pocket, looking up at Rafe with a mixture of apology and resolve. "I have to go. JJ's worried about me."

Rafe nodded, understanding but also reluctant to let you go. "I get it. Just... be careful, okay?"

"I will," you promised, giving him one last hug before pulling away completely. "Thank you for understanding, Rafe. We'll figure this out."

He gave you a small, reassuring smile. "Yeah, 'course."

You let out a sigh of dread as you turned on your heel, lifting your hood to shield yourself from the rain. The urgency of Sarah's call propelled you forward, and you sprinted down the dock, the wooden planks slick and treacherous beneath your feet. The cold rain pelted your face, mingling with the tears you hadn't realized were falling.

You regretted walking there now, with the rain coming down harder and the pressing need to get back to the Chateau before JJ blew a gasket. Your heart pounded in your chest, each beat echoing your rising anxiety. Adrenaline coursed through your veins, urging you to keep running, your footsteps a steady rhythm against the backdrop of the storm.

As you raced through the dimly lit streets of Outer Banks, your thoughts swirled in a chaotic mix of guilt, fear, and determination. You couldn't shake the image of Rafe's eyes, filled with a mixture of hope and sorrow. You knew this was far from over, that your decisions would have far-reaching consequences.

The familiar sight of the Chateau came into view, and you pushed yourself to run faster, your breaths coming in ragged gasps. You reached the front porch and paused for a moment, catching your breath and trying to steady your racing heart.

You slipped inside quietly, hoping to avoid waking anyone. The living room was dark, but you could hear the faint sound of voices from the kitchen. You crept towards your room, hoping to slip in unnoticed, but the floor creaked beneath your feet, betraying your presence.

The voices stopped abruptly, and a moment later, JJ appeared in the hallway, his face a mixture of relief and frustration. "Y/N, where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick!"

"I... I needed to clear my head," you stammered, your voice barely above a whisper. "I just went for a walk."

JJ didn’t quite believe your excuse for leaving, and so he pressed forward, his voice tinged with frustration. "Why the hell would you go for a walk in this weather, y/n? It's pouring out there!"

You flinched at JJ's aggression, taken aback by how angered he was at your disappearance. You knew he was worried, but you didn’t expect him to be so hostile. His anger radiated off him, filling the space between you like a tangible force.

"JJ," you began, your voice trembling slightly, "I just needed some air, okay? I had to clear my head."

"Clear your head?" JJ repeated, his voice laced with sarcasm and disbelief. "Do you even realize what you're saying? You went out in this weather, alone, at night. Do you know how dangerous that is?"

"I know," you said, trying to keep your voice steady. "But I couldn’t stay cooped up inside. I needed to think."

JJ scoffed, still not happy with your answer. His eyes burned daggers into yours, fueled with anger. "Bullshit, Y/N. You know, you've been acting so damn weird lately. You do remember we're together, right?"

His words hit you like a punch to the gut. You took a step back, feeling the sting of his accusation. "Of course I remember, JJ," you said, your voice barely above a whisper. "I haven't forgotten."

"Then start acting like it," he snapped, his voice rising. "I can't keep doing this, y/n. One minute you're here, the next you're gone. I need to know where your head's at."

You felt a lump forming in your throat, making it hard to swallow. "I'm sorry," you said, trying to hold back tears. "I just have a lot on my mind. Everything with Ward, John B... it's overwhelming."

"Overwhelming?" JJ scoffed again, shaking his head. "You think it's not overwhelming for me? For all of us? We're all in the same boat here, y/n."

"I know, I know," you said, your voice breaking. "I'm trying, JJ. I really am. But it's not easy."

"Well, you're not making it any easier by disappearing like that," he said, his tone softening just a bit. "I need you here, with us. With me."

You looked into his eyes, seeing the hurt and confusion there. You knew he had every right to be angry, but it didn’t make the situation any less complicated. "I'm sorry," you repeated. "I won't do it again. I promise."

JJ nodded, seemingly satisfied by your reassurance. But as he went to pull you into his arms, for some reason, you instinctively backed up a few centimeters. Immediately, you realized you had made a mistake. JJ's expression fell into one of surprise and annoyance.

"What the hell, y/n?" he demanded, his voice laced with hurt.

You took a deep breath, trying to gather your thoughts. "I'm sorry, JJ. I didn't mean to... I just need a little space right now," you said, your voice trembling.

"Space? From me?" he asked, incredulity and hurt blending in his tone. "I thought we just agreed to be honest with each other. What's really going on?"

"Nothing is going on, I—" you began, but JJ cut you off sharply.

"Cut the bullshit, Y/N! What—are you cheating on me or something? I mean, I get why you did it with Rafe, but I thought we were better than that."

You felt a rush of anger and hurt at his accusation. "I didn't cheat on him, JJ!" you snapped, your voice rising with frustration.

JJ's eyes bore into yours, a mix of anger and betrayal simmering beneath the surface. "Then what the hell is it? You've been acting so damn weird lately. You sneak off, avoid me, and now you won't even let me hold you."

"Because, JJ!" you threw your hands up in defense, feeling overwhelmed by his interrogation. "My feelings have been all over the place since we got back here, and you don't seem to give a shit! You think this place doesn't bring back a lot of memories for me? Because it does, and I am trying to cope with them, but you won't fucking let me do that."

JJ's face twisted with confusion and frustration. "What are you talking about, Y/N? What memories? If you're struggling, why didn't you just talk to me?"

"Because it's not that simple, JJ," you scoffed, crossing your arms defensively. "This entire place is a reminder of my past. So forgive me if I'm 'acting weird,'" you spat, the words coming out sharper than you intended.

JJ looked taken aback, his eyes narrowing slightly as he processed your words. "Your past? Y/n, we all have pasts here. But you don't see me freaking out and running off in the middle of the night," he retorted, his voice tinged with frustration.

You felt a surge of anger rising within you. "You don't get it, JJ. This place, these memories... they're not something I can just brush off. Every corner, every street brings back something I thought I had moved on from. And you standing here, accusing me of cheating, just makes it worse."

"Well, it's nothing you haven't done before," JJ replied, his tone biting and accusatory.

You flinched at his words, feeling the sting of his accusation. "That's not fair, JJ," you said softly, trying to keep your voice steady despite the turmoil inside you. "we were not together and you knew that. Why are you holding that against me? It was two years ago."

JJ scoffed, his frustration bubbling to the surface. "Yeah, well, it's hard to not think about when you keep disappearing and acting all secretive."

"I told you, I'm not doing anything behind your back," you insisted, your voice trembling with a mix of anger and desperation. "But you need to understand that I can't just forget everything that's happened here."

JJ's eyes bore into yours, the intensity of his gaze making you feel even more vulnerable. "Then help me understand, y/n. Because right now, all I see is you pulling away, and I don't know how to fix it."

"There's nothing to fix, JJ. You have to let me figure this out on my own," you asserted, your voice firm and resolute.

JJ's expression softened, a mix of resignation and concern in his eyes. "I just want to help, y/n. I hate seeing you like this."

"JJ, I just... think we need a break from each other right now," you confessed, your voice heavy with emotion. "I'm not in the place to be in a relationship right now, and obviously that's evident to you, too."

JJ's expression faltered, a mix of surprise and disappointment crossing his features. "A break?" he repeated, his voice barely above a whisper.

You nodded, your gaze fixed on the ground. "Yeah, just for a while. I need some time to sort things out, figure out what I want."

There was a weighty silence between you as JJ processed your words. Eventually, he let out a heavy sigh. "Okay," he said, his voice tinged with resignation. "If that's what you need."

You offered him a weak smile, grateful for his understanding. "Thank you, JJ. I'm sorry."

He reached out to touch your arm, a fleeting gesture of comfort. "Don't be sorry, Y/N. Just take care of yourself, okay?"

As you turned away from JJ, the tension in the air was palpable, thick with unresolved emotions. Your heart raced, a mixture of guilt, relief, and uncertainty coursing through your veins. With each step down the hallway, the weight of your decision seemed to grow heavier, pressing down on your shoulders like a burden too heavy to bear.

Tears blurred your vision as you hurried away, the sound of your own footsteps echoing in the empty corridor. You could feel JJ's eyes burning into your back, his unspoken questions hanging in the air like a stormcloud ready to burst. But you couldn't bring yourself to turn around, couldn't bear to face the hurt and disappointment that you knew would be written across his face.

Just when you thought you couldn't take another step, you collided with someone, jolting you out of your spiraling thoughts. It was Sarah.

"Whoa, y/n, are you okay?" Sarah's eyes widened in concern as she steadied you with a hand on your arm. Her warm smile quickly faded when she saw the tears streaming down your face.

You looked up at her, struggling to find the words. "I... I broke up with JJ," you finally admitted, your voice trembling.

Sarah's face softened with sympathy. "Oh, y/n, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

You wiped a tear from your cheek, taking a shaky breath. "It's just... everything's been so overwhelming since we got back here. This place brings back so many memories, and JJ doesn't seem to understand. I felt like I was drowning, and I couldn't breathe. I needed space to figure things out."

Sarah gave you a sympathetic look and sighed, resonation hitting her as she spoke softly, "It's because of Rafe, isn't it?"

You fell silent, looking up at Sarah as tears welled up in your eyes. Unable to hold them back any longer, you nodded frantically and fell into her arms, sobbing onto her shoulder. She held you tightly, offering the comfort you so desperately needed.

"I thought I was over him, Sarah," you choked out between sobs. "I really did. But then when I saw him for the first time again, it all came back."

Sarah rubbed your back soothingly, her voice soft and understanding. "I know, y/n. Feelings like that don’t just disappear. It's okay to still have them. It’s okay to be confused."

You clung to her, the weight of your emotions pouring out as you continued to cry. "I don’t know what to do. Everything’s such a mess. I hurt JJ, and I feel so guilty about it. But at the same time, I can’t ignore what I feel for Rafe."

Sarah pulled back slightly, just enough to look you in the eyes. "Listen to me, y/n. You have to follow your heart. It’s not going to be easy, and people might get hurt, but you can’t live your life based on what others expect of you."

You nodded, wiping your tears with the back of your hand. "I just don’t want to keep making the same mistakes."

"You won’t," Sarah assured you. "You’re being honest with yourself and with everyone involved. That’s the most important thing. And no matter what happens, I’m here for you."

Taking a deep breath, you felt a glimmer of hope. "Thank you, Sarah. I don’t know what I’d do without you."

She smiled warmly, giving you another reassuring hug. "You’re stronger than you think, y/n. You’ll get through this."

You pulled away from the embrace and nodded at Sarah with a small smile, wiping away the last of your tears as you attempted to calm your breathing. "I need to go see Rafe. To tell him I ended things with JJ."

Sarah gave you an encouraging nod. "I think that’s a good idea. He deserves to know where you stand, and you deserve to move forward without any more confusion."

Taking a deep breath, you gathered your strength and turned to leave. The thought of seeing Rafe again filled you with both anxiety and anticipation. As you made your way to the door, Sarah's voice stopped you.

"Remember, y/n, you’re doing the right thing. Just be honest with him and with yourself."

You gave her one last grateful look before stepping outside. The rain had eased to a light drizzle, the cool drops refreshing against your skin. You pulled your hood up and started walking toward Rafe's place, your steps steady despite the turmoil inside you.

The journey felt longer than usual, every step bringing a new wave of doubt and fear. But you pushed through, knowing that this was something you had to do. You needed closure with JJ and a new beginning with Rafe, or at least clarity on where you stood with him.

When you finally arrived at Rafe's house, you hesitated at the door, your hand hovering just inches from the wood. Taking one last deep breath, you knocked, the sound echoing in the stillness of the night.

After a moment, the door opened, and there stood Rafe, his eyes widening in surprise and concern as he saw you standing there, rain-soaked and trembling.

"Y/n, what are you doing here?" he asked, stepping aside as you pushed yourself inside.

You entered, your heart pounding in your chest as you faced him. "I need to talk to you, Rafe. It's important."

Rafe looked at you, a nervous look on his face. His eyes scanned around behind him as if he were looking for something, which made you confused. "Y/n, we can talk whenever you want but right now really isn’t a good time—"

Before he could finish, a female voice came from the shadows of the hallway, "Rafe, who’s at the door?"

Your heart skipped a beat as you peered into the dimly lit corridor, trying to make out the figure approaching. The girl stepped into the light, revealing herself to be none other than Sophia, Rafe's supposed girlfriend. Her eyes widened slightly when she saw you, then narrowed in a mix of surprise and annoyance.

"Y/n?" Sophia said, her voice dripping with disdain. "What are you doing here?"

Your expression fell as you took in the sight of Sophia, a familiar pain surfacing that you thought you had forgotten. Seeing her was a harsh reminder that Rafe had moved on after you left, adding salt to your open wound. The shock and hurt must have been evident on your face because Rafe immediately tried to speak up.

"Y/n, wait—"

But before he could finish, you were already sprinting back down the driveway, the rain mixing with the tears streaming down your face. The dampness of the night mirrored the turmoil inside you, each step feeling heavier as you ran, trying to escape the crushing reality you had just faced.

Your thoughts were a whirlwind. The memory of Rafe's tender words and the undeniable connection you felt with him clashed violently with the image of Sophia standing in his hallway. The betrayal stung deeply, and all you wanted was to put as much distance as possible between you and the pain.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

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[sicksadgames]

As the Sun Forever Sets - Terror in the time of the Telegraph

It’s nuts I’ve been working on this game for over 4 years at this point. As the Sun Forever Sets is for sure my biggest and most capital G Game. It even has a publisher and everything. It’s also my first game! Wow! It's been tough, though. We'll get into it!

Britain, 1899

As the Sun Forever Sets is a survival horror sandbox based on the War of the Worlds, utilises the Forged in the Dark ruleset, and is about ordinary people surviving a Martian invasion of Victorian era Britain. We play to find out how they rise to meet the storm of destruction, the ways in which it shapes them, and if they survive to see a new world emerge, or die amidst the rubble of the old.

In the last years of Queen Victoria’s reign, the British Empire stretches across a quarter of the globe, and under the guise of genteel progress and civilisation, it commits theft and murder on a global scale. Britain itself is on the verge of the modern era, the Second Industrial Revolution pushing people into the cities to drive the factories and forges owned by the greedy industrialist class. But beyond the common causes of humanity and unbeknownst to the men who impose their rule over it, vast wheels have begun their inexorable turning. Across 40 million miles of void, the Martian invasion hurtles Earthward. Screaming across the stars, instruments of annihilation unlike anything believed possible lie ready for assembly, alongside the Martians themselves. They are truly inscrutable beings, but their intent is as clear as it is terrible – they will suck the literal and figurative blood from the Earth, and nothing less than the complete and utter subjugation of humanity will be enough.

If this sounds cool to you... well, you gotta wait, it’s not done yet. Sorry! But you can come and hang out in the Sick Sad Games discord, where I post excerpts and occasionally organise playtests.

The Hard Times of (Old) England

Be warned, this is a long one - over 4000 words (if you don't have a Tumblr account, you won't get to the end before it starts bugging you to register one, so go read this on Medium instead.) It turns out when you work on a game for a long time, you have a lot to say about it. Strap in, grab your gin and laudanum, and let’s destroy an evil empire just by existing.

Thanks to the wonderful @hendrik-ten-napel for taking a look over my disorganised thoughts.

(Potential) Spoilers for: The Bear, The War of the Worlds, The Last of Us, Children of Men, Threads, When the Wind Blows, Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs, The Thing.

Roleplay in the Pre-Post-Apocalypse

TTRPGs love a good post apocalypse. It's understandable - gas up and ride glorious on the legally distinct fury road, run a commune of like minded weirdos in the ashes of the old world, go digging through retro-futuristic ruins to find retro-futuristic treasures. Who wouldn't want to do any of these? But As the Sun Forever Sets is about an apocalypse as it begins, not after it’s over. 

There's a lot of crossover, of course. There’s a focus on similar things - disaster and spectacle, relationships and trust, scavenging and survival. But the bonus of the world not yet being over, is that we get to roleplay out dealing with that terrible, inexorable reality.

HG Wells wrote a book about blowing up all the places he used to live, and it's a banger. I was surprised to find there wasn't a TTRPG based on the War of the Worlds, being the tantalisingly public domain ur-alien invasion story it is. As the Sun Forever Sets is very explicitly an adaption of it, to the point that before I came up with the name it almost got released as The War of the Worlds: The Roleplaying Game (lol). I'm glad I didn't, doing my own thing has meant both me and the people playing are way more free to fuck around without the expectation that it must adhere to a canon.

The book is good, strikingly modern feeling in parts, and obviously massively influential - so much science fiction can be traced back to our nameless Narrators tormentuous trek across the south of England. But Wells’ prose is typical Victorian - overly wordy and florid (any book that contains the word “ejaculating” meaning “to shout” might be difficult for readers who aren’t used to the style), so when it comes to recommending an actual adaptation, there’s only one true king. Whenever I bring up Jeff Wayne’s The War of the Worlds, the usual reaction from anyone outside of the UK is to say "... they made a what?"

My mom was very keen to get me into musicals, but nothing really stuck until she tried this, the secret best War of the Worlds adaption (sorry Steven Spielberg, but you were doomed from the start.) It's the bombast and drama you'd expect from a disaster film, the horror and pathos of Wells’ classic, all expressed through vivid narration and sick nasty prog rock - wailing guitar and crunchy 70's synths operating at full effect. It's not completely faithful to the book, it doesn't matter. It’s the best.

Ah yes, the film bro's favourite mid 2000's film. Did you see that sick oner? That’s six minutes without a cut, that means the film’s good right? Children of Men is a slow burn apocalypse, dressed up like a world that’s already ended. Plenty has been written about all the little ways the film is prescient about the state of the UK - the slow belly-crawl into facism and nationalist fervour, the particularly British decay and class divide exacerbated by the desperate times, even the willful ignorance and the explicit sense that everyone’s just given up, it’s all here.

All that thematic stuff seems like it’d be really relevant to As the Sun Forever Sets, right?

Unfortunately, we are in fact here to talk about the long takes. The unbroken moment-to-moment action scenes evoke The War of the Worlds to a tee. Theo navigates danger with the same fraught tactical tension as War of the World's Narrator - dashing between doorways, groping for an axe handle in the darkness, desperately trying to start a car as assailants sprint towards him. What’s the best way out of this situation? How do I get from here to where I need to be? He lives his life in rolling, fleeting 5 second intervals, because he’s forgotten what it means to think in the long term - about the future, and what it might hold.

I was always fascinated and terrified by the idea of nuclear war. I guess it comes from watching a lot of 90’s disaster movies, but those are often ultimately fun romps where the day gets saved at the end, or at least the main characters find themselves alive and well at the end of the saga of destruction. Instead, As the Sun Forever Sets asks you to reflect on the horror and sadness present at the end of the world. Things are going to change forever, and change is always hard.

There’s not many clips of Threads and When the Wind Blows online, so it’s a little hard to demonstrate their particular nuclear inflected pitch black darkness. They’re grim - Grave of the Fireflies grim - differing in focus but united in their horrible impact.

When the Wind Blows is a story of an elderly couple living in rural England when the bombs drop, based on the comic by Raymond Briggs. Yes, The Snowman’s Raymond Briggs made a film about 2 lovely grandparents dying of acute radiation poisoning. Jim and Hilda are completely unprepared for what’s to come, their only reference is the Blitz - terrible in its own way, but not a patch on the scale of death they’re about to experience.

They survive the blast and wait for the good old British Government to arrive to save them, as it did in the 40’s. Slowly liquifying in the nuclear fallout, they hold onto each other and keep their spirits up, eventually making the decision to clamber into the paper sacks they mistakenly believed might protect them from the blast. Clutching their medical cards and birth certificates (for the ambulance, sure to be along any minute now), Jim mumbles painfully through a final prayer that morphs into a misremembered Charge of the Light Brigade, and they slip into a perpetual slumber together.

The most tragic part is Jim and Hilda’s unshakeable faith that their government is there for them - ready to catch them when they fall - borne out of Britain’s post WW2 renewal but absent in the 1980’s of the film’s plot, and the Britain of today. It’s a masterful film, shockingly sad, but the shock is the point.

Instead of aiming for your heart, Threads aims for the head. It’s a drama that aims to be as accurate as possible to government research into what a nuclear war might look like, plainly and forensically setting it out without any thought of softening these hard facts for its audience. Rather than focusing on a personal story, Threads flits around several groups of characters - minor government figures and ordinary families. Like Jim and Hilda, they too are woefully unprepared for the end of the world, and those in charge know there’s no way the UK could ever be ready for such a thing.

As mundane life is quietly intruded upon by news updates detailing far off geopolitics and the subsequent escalation that leads to war, the tension rises subtly then suddenly, like a spacecraft on the launchpad. People we’ve seen pottering about their normal lives are maimed and evaporated in the subsequent shocking nuclear exchange, whilst stark statistics flash on the screen - the hundreds of thousands instantly killed, how long the millions more fatally irradiated have left to live, the woefully inadequate tonnage of stockpiled food to feed those who survive. Each zero hits like a gutpunch.

And when you think the film must nearly be over, it keeps going. 1 week later. 1 year later. Threads grinds to an excruciating halt 13 years after the bombs fall, after year upon year of failed harvests from a destroyed earth barely able to support a population level equivalent to medieval Britain. At one point, mute children watch a warped and scratchy VHS of classic kids educational programme Words and Pictures on a TV powered by a steam generator.

The friendly presenter spells out the word “cat” through the thick veil of static, accompanied by a picture of one - an animal the children watching will likely never see. As they watch with blank, emotionless faces, the image of the cat fades to one of its skeletal form. “A cat’s skeleton” the presenter enthusiastically intones. The unrelenting bleakness might feel like a punishment, but Threads doesn’t mean it to be. This is just what would happen, after all.

Love in the time of the Heat-ray

In fact, someone in a Reddit thread said As the Sun Forever Sets “wasn’t just endless misery” and I’m glad that comes across. I wanted there to be moments of tenderness, quiet joy, anger, frustration, love and loss to punctuate the action and the horror.

People are messy and complicated even at the best of times. Under pressure, this is amplified a thousandfold - a little crush becomes a whirlwind romance, small disagreements become full blown fights, and not fully understanding someone might transform them into an enemy in your head.

The little town Bill conspires to be left alone in ends up comparatively untouched by the horrors going on elsewhere, as untouched as anywhere can be in The Last of Us. He hated the world anyways - so he isolates himself as he prepares for it to end, and it makes sense that his life only really begins as the show does. When Frank arrives, Bill is forced not to just engage with the broader world outside of his little enclave, but in the act of truly living in it.

There’s no prepper’s guide to romance. A human heart can’t be field stripped for maintenance. By choosing to exist as a vulnerable, emotional being, Bill opens himself up to a different kind of apocalypse. Frank becomes the flowering vines that slowly crack the flat concrete wall of a world that Bill created, and when those vines die, the wall can only crumble. It’s so fraught and lovely, delicately yet absolutely gut wrenching. At least their apocalypse was one they decided to have together.

“I’m old. I’m satisfied. And you… were my purpose.” - "Long Long Time”, The Last of Us

While several of my TTRPG writing friends were gushing about how great The Bear is, Em Acosta, author of the wonderfully inspirational Exile pointed out something super interesting - a lot of the show is about how you deal with people you’ve found yourself stuck with. No matter how much they piss you off, or whatever they do wrong, there’s something that means you can’t ever let them truly exit your life. They’re there, like it or not, until the bitter end.

Turns out this is very similar to how As the Sun Forever Sets handles Player Character relationships. In both it and The Bear, nothing’s ever truly resolved between characters - every relationship is like a cooking pot perpetually simmering. You might’ve apologised, made a truce, or just ignored your issues for so long that they seem to disappear, but no matter what, you’ve got to keep your eye on that pot.

Because suddenly a crisis will hit, and someone says something, or a diceroll comes up bad and all of a sudden the pot boils over and things are once again fucked. You storm out, start screaming, throw a fork. Even in the worst case scenario where a Character leaves because they’re absolutely sick of the rest of the group, they might show up at the end of the game for one last scene. Who knows how you’ll all feel at the end - nothing is ever truly fixed, and only the dead are truly broken. 

“I quit, chef, is what’s going on. You are an excellent chef. You are also a piece of shit. This isn’t on me. Goodbye." - “The Review”, The Bear

I’ve talked about The Thing a little before, John Carpenters sweaty, paranoid antarctic masterpiece. Along with the incredible effects and the (mostly) restrained use of action and bombast, the thing that makes... The Thing work is that the staff of the stricken research base lack any and all emotional intelligence.

It’s sort of the ultimate reverse Dudes Rock movie. Nobody knows anything about each other, so when their bodies and minds are colonised by the titular chameleon from outer space, they’re just another stranger to the rest of the crew. I’d ask you a question only you would know the answer to, but uh.. I don’t know anything about you. Whoops!

Over the course of the film, the whole operation falls apart as they try their best to work together to deal with the alien interloper, but their complete lack of ability to trust or relate to each other - present even before the crisis they find themselves in - is their ultimate downfall.

That final excellent shot of MacReady and Childs sat in the snow at the end of the film as their compound burns around them is the subject of a lot of unnecessary theorycrafting youtube videos, which kind of misses the point. Each suspects the other, but ultimately it doesn’t matter if one of them’s a Thing. One stranger is the same as another. Why bother getting to know each other now?

“Well...What do we do?” “Why don't we just... wait here for a little while? See what happens.” - Childs and Macready, The Thing

Science Fiction Revenge Fantasy

I’m not a historian, but the parallels between 1899 and now are pretty plain to see. Increasing class disparity, a lack of political will to help those in need, rampant cronyism and profiteering. As long as you’re in the place for it, roleplaying in a fictionalised version of the past to air out the issues of the present can be super fun and cathartic. You’re not expected to get a degree in British history to make it work, either.

The title is a play on the phrase “The Sun Never Set on the British Empire”, and it’s plainly stated in the book that Britains Empire acted as a mechanism of genocidal oppression, and that the Martians are here to end it - intentionally or not. It’s appealing as a premise on the face of it, but it goes a little deeper. Memories of Empire echo across time in Britain like the ringing of a malevolent bell, a cause celebre for braying Tories and fascistic right wing cunts (two very close circles in the venn diagram.)

We used to be a great country before this woke nonsense. Things were better back in the old days. The DEI contingent is trying to destroy our noble past. Yada yada yada, fuck offff. I’m sure someone somewhere will accuse me of “wokewashing” the past for including explicitly trans and queer characters as part of the book, along with the historical facts around how we fit into the oppressive Victorian conception of sex and gender. Unfortunately for them, we’ve always been here.

To be a little pretentious about it, every game of As the Sun Forever Sets reaches back into the past and cuts the myth of a glorious and benevolent Empire, and the good old days enjoyed within it off at the neck, purely in the act of beginning one. That sparks a little joy for me. Destroying a racists dream is fun, even if it’s only in the abstract.

A horror game about the most literalist Victorian industrialist imaginable hearing the phrase “Eat the rich” and getting right on that. I’ve not played Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs despite fond (??) memories of playing The Dark Descent in a room full of jumpy friends, and seeing Dear Esther played live on stage, with a live orchestra and narrator - an exquisite way to experience that game.

The mechanical chops of Frictional Games mixed with the narrative verve of The Chinese Room, how could this game be anything less than incredible?

After The Dark Descent I fell off’ve the “scary guy chases you around” genre of game until Alien: Isolation revitalised it, and the reviews of A Machine for Pigs were mixed - kind of boring, middling gameplay, too dark - so I never went back. I was planning on writing a little about its vibe - dark, gothic Victoriana that rhymes nicely with As the Sun Forever Sets - but after a bit of research, Mandus’ quest for his missing sons strikes an unexpectedly resonant and terrible chord.

The writing and voice acting is phenomenal, Mandus’ split consciousness - the self you play and the other half of him that’s seen the horrors of the forthcoming 20th Century and is compelled to act, imbued into the myopic machine he built - is extremely compelling. He feels compassion for the poor and wants to save them, but they fill him with fear and disgust. He knows the industrialist class is killing the world, but feels a deep shame in the fact that he counts himself amongst them. So his machine grinds the rich into meat for the poor, who it distorts into grotesque pig homunculi and forces them to operate the machine’s inscrutable workings.

It’s Mandus’ twisted way of saving the world - kill the rich for their crimes, enslave the poor for their own good, all hail the new machine/god/manager of the 20th century. It’s a neat reflection of the way modern politicians contort themselves to the whims of big business and AI snake oil salesmen to avoid doing the simple and obvious things that’d better the world. It’s a nightmarish refutation of Victorian Liberalism, that only the upper class know how to fix the problems of the lower class. It’s brilliant, and we should play it. 

"Do you hear me Mandus? This is what you planned! This world is a machine! A Machine for Pigs! Fit only for the slaughtering of pigs! Whores, beggars, orphans, filthy degenerates. Pigs all. But I will purify the streets, cleanse this city, set the great industry free. I will clean the world, make it pure." - The Machine, A Machine for Pigs

Song of the Year, of the Century

Not long after I came out as trans, I was asked what (in an ideal world) would make transition easier. I replied - never having to leave the house. One day I'd shut the front door as a man and another day, months or years later, I'd open it again as a woman, neatly sidestepping the terror of being perceived in a notoriously transphobic Britain.

In 2020 I shut that door and didn't open it for 4 months. At work, I remember calling the nearby shelter to donate our excess hand sanitizer and toilet roll, figuring out at the last second how support workers could take calls from their already isolated clients via their mobile phones, and fixating on the steady stream of scared coworkers leaving early. Tearfully, I felt the urge to hug those that remained as we locked up, before we remembered we probably shouldn't.

I've never been more aware of the minutia of moving through a space on the way home - How many people had their hands on this handrail? Have I touched my mouth or eyes without realising? Is anyone in the office already sick? Or on this train? How many more people are going to die? - My heart was in my chest, I heard the blood whoosh through my head to the beat of my steps on the pavement. At home, I realised my boyfriend had to go into work the next day. After he went to sleep, terrified he might die, I cried.

"I remember I felt an extraordinary persuasion that I was being played with, that presently, when I was upon the very verge of safety, this mysterious death—as swift as the passage of light—would leap after me from the pit about the cylinder, and strike me down." - "The Heat Ray", The War of the Worlds

Writing As the Sun Forever Sets was my way of coping with the disconnect with the world I felt, the fear of both Covid and the rising transphobia kept me inside even as the lockdowns eased. That feeling of throbbing death creeping at the window took a long time to wrestle under control, and getting deeply obsessed with a big project became part of that process. It seems incredibly maudlin to make a TTRPG dealing with darkness and death during a pandemic that killed (and continues to kill) millions of people, but I suppose I’m kind of a maudlin person.

“I haven't written a song in a month, So I'm playing the same chords again. I know I need to get lost in the moment, But I get lost before it begins. Fingers stretching out into space. Reaching as a thought slips away.”

It also burnt me the fuck out. After years of constant work and testing (beginning long before Evil Hat picked up the game), I ran out of steam. I spent the months after Evil Hat’s public playtest ended not really able to write anything ATSFS related at all. The game kind of froze - I knew what I wanted to change or fix or add, but the moment the google doc opened I couldn’t make myself start typing. It was incredibly frustrating to have the switch flip from endless obsessive writing to constant nothing, and I don’t think I truly recognised the burnout I was feeling until recently. It turns out spending years staying up past midnight writing is bad, who know!

A lot of Forged in the Dark games don’t get finished (or more accurately, get stuck in perpetual development), something that the excellent and dearly missed +1 Forward podcast recognised in their episode collecting their thoughts on the FITD games they looked at back in 2021. I think that’s because, at least to me, writing a Forged in the Dark game is like trying to hold a plate of spaghetti without the plate. It’s deceptively simple at its heart, but the system squirms when you poke at it - write one thing and it affects 3 other things. Tug one piece of pasta out and you lose a meatball without realising it.

When I listened to that episode, I took it as a challenge. Part of me now wonders if it was a curse. I'm being hyperbolic, of course. But a little part of me did think it might be better to give the game up.

That’s not going to be As the Sun Forever Sets' fate, thankfully. Evil Hat has been there to support me when I’ve felt guilty about shifting another deadline or replying to a check-in email with another late “Not much progress this month, sorry!” The frozen writers block is thawing, and I’m so tantalisingly close to finishing the final text. This blog is part of that process, another chip in the icy dam.

The wheels of dread Martian terror turn once again, and it feels good. Part of that is down to not beating myself up about a lack of progress. The more important part came when I realised I felt able to return to the world again - living in it, not hiding from it. Staying connected to it, even when there's times I'm not able to inhabit it physically. Covid, Britains particular brand of transphobic brainworms, and the shadow of Empire all continue to exist, and so do I - a weird maudlin transsexual woman - in spite of them all.

“The day seemed, by contrast with my recent confinement, dazzlingly bright, the sky a glowing blue. A gentle breeze kept the red weed that covered every scrap of unoccupied ground gently swaying. And oh! the sweetness of the air!” - “The Stillness”, The War of the Worlds

You made it!

Thanks for sticking with my messy thoughts. If what I talked about here sounds cool to you, please stop by the Discord, we'd love to have you. Look forward to seeing As the Sun Forever Sets come to a crowdfunding platform of Evil Hat's choice (I assume backerkit) at some point in the future ♥.

[pawborough]

August-September Post-Alpha Check In

Hello, everyone!

With the release of Alpha testing, we have in this update a retrospective on the test itself, a host of content from August, some lore drop, and word on where we are with Moontail and Leopard! 

Let’s begin with some art!

Southern Romanovtsa 

Users in our Discord participated in a community game to see the preproduction designs of our Romanovtsa variants. The Southern olive variant is done!

Design and illustration by Hydde

Crests

We’ve illustrated two more forum crests, Orchard Crest and Spectral Crest!

Design and illustration by Giulia

Currently, Demonic is being illustrated now!

Regal Set recolors

Regal set had its recolors done!

Black, grey, white, red, orange, yellow, green, teal, blue, purple, pink, and brown, recolors by Emma (@missbluefrost)

New Accessory: Gilded Crest

Next, preview of the design for the Gilded Crest, the sponsored accessory item from the individual who won our sweepstakes: Emma! (Not the one on our team)

KS sponsored by Emma, illustrated by Azarel

Harvest Logo

As promised, the Harvest logo was updated to better reflect the difference in the thematic stone and incense items. 

This visual will slowly be updated in all our content. 

Wheatley and Crowley

Take a peak at the newest progress on Whealtey and Crowley!

Leopard and Moontails Check In

As promised, we want to release these two things together. So where are we? 

Moontails have all patterns but Leopard done. 

Moontail wing colors, a mighty feat, are good to go, but we are currently working on perfecting the tail and whisker glow colors. Moontails will be utilizing the accent 1 color for their glow tint, much like the previous cat creator, and we’ve had to start from the ground up on accommodating all of our colors in a way that flatters the glow. 

In addition, doing this work now will help benefit any glowing mystic breeds in the future... ;)

Here is an example of in-progress glow designs: 

Thistle, Wisteria, River

Overall this breed is very robust in comparison to our other breeds, and it will be extremely rewarding to release all 3 wing types at once. With all the effort gone in, Moontails have certainly earned their place as a legacy breed. 

Leopard

Leopard is all done! Sans Moontails, but they’re currently being worked on. Here is an in-progress example:

WIP by Asp

Though, we are wary of using the designated “tiger” palette for Leopard 100% of the time, as we worry this will create a washed-out look for the pattern in the majority of cases, so while we tool Moontail glows, we’re visiting altering Leopard spot colors. 

As far as art goes as a whole, these two things are concurrently working alongside our main production push. A vast majority of our time is going towards icons or continuing accessory illustration. This will limit the amount of new content we can share, as it will just be the same items repeated several times over! However, we’re dedicated to taking the time to not only prepare our starter breeds, but to expand the breed compatibility for each accessory as soon as possible! 

New Information on the land of Kotemara

New information on the continent known as Kotemara, which is the name for the giant landmass that users will be joining when they play PawBorough. 

Kotemara is home to 7 Boroughs, which each have a capital, we're here to share the capital names for each!

Luna: Kotikansa Sol: Borheim  Upper Abyssal: Tsuribari Lower Abyssal: Umiya Zenith: Felkin Harvest: Hillshire Cogwheel: New Brassgate The Metropolis: The Spire

But there's something else...

The Wastes

The magic of the geological deposits that Catfolk are currently studying and learning has ran rampant in large areas around Kotemara, influencing the localized flora and fauna. These areas are home to large, powerful, magical beasts roaming the land, colloquially called Wastebeasts. Plant life either dies out, save for hardy, shrubby grasses and sparse foliage, or overgrows and mutates into a magical nightmare. 

All Wastebeasts are very dangerous and magically aggressive. Cats who brave the wastes seldom return home, and catfolk settlements bordering the wastes are frequently terrorized by Wastebeast attacks. 

The Spire, the head magical academy in The Metropolis, has sworn to make studying and controlling the Wastes its top priority in magical research and modernization. But the latest achievements coming from The Spire have been little more than pithy advancements in magical products...  

Independent organizations like Maven's Guild have cropped up around the Boroughs, with trained recruits helping scared cats cross the wastes, helping to fend off Wastebeasts from catfolk villages, and to assist with mundane errands. 

As you learn about Maven and her organization, you'll discover more about her connection to the Wastes... 

Alpha Retrospective

At the beginning of this month, we started dedicated Alpha testing. This was a challenging time, as we as a team have never before performed public-facing testing of this nature. 

But we are jovial and positive behind the scenes, because we have learned a lot regarding our own application, our development tactics, user feedback tracking, user desires, and community support management. This test-run has given us beginning experience on how the full game will function with an active user base, and has allowed us to foster a more prepared understanding for not only server preparation, but all further development efforts. 

In addition, the mass amounts of testing and QA reporting has truly helped to improve our development, as we can knock out and identify bugs much easier. We are thriving with this, able to swiftly chop and iterate upon any flaws found in the functionality. The flow of tickets means there’s always something to improve on, and we have burgeoned with this setup.  

The warm and positive attitude from our testers has also helped to lift our spirits. We’re very open to the criticism and feedback we have received on the application thus far! In fact, we’re duly grateful that so many users have put in their valuable time and energy to both constructively and bluntly critique what we have. Earnestly, with no aggression nor sarcasm: It is stellar that we have users who care. It means that we have something which people love, and want to see improve, and we could not ask for better! 

That being said, we were expecting more aggression and user vitriol than we actually received thus far, and it’s uplifted the spirits of our team in such a way that we’re real fired up!

Our biggest aspects we want to improve on going forward is: 

Better user-side communication. This will come as we grow and can expand our team. Right now, only two individuals handle user tickets, and with one of them being myself, who also handles a great brunt of not only user-side updates, but also all development management, and it can cause swift and detailed user-side communication to suffer. This is certainly a problem!  The infallible solution will be to hire more help once we have the resources, and for now we’ll do our best to structure the responsibility in a way which prioritizes communication more favorably for users in the coming future. We truly owe you all better! And we are very grateful that you are all so patient while we’re working this hard.

Better code management. In general, we’d like to see things come out the gate a little less breakable, and this is on us to improve. We’ve tightened our form, including running more tests before releasing updates or iterating, and we’re only seeing the application get stronger from here.

Staying vague on promising deadlines. Unfortunately, we did fall a month behind, and taking that into consideration, we're just not in a place to make sweeping promises on the timeline. We admit fault, and will learn from this. From here, we're going to err on the side of caution and simply take the time we need. It smarts that we have had so many roadbumps and delays, but what's important is that we are consistently making progress, and that the final product is robust and surpasses user expectation for fun and enjoyment. We're keeping our heads down and grinding on.

And here’s a summary of what we liked: 

Even without a gameplay loop, users have frequently reported having fun interacting with the mechanics. This implies that there’s an inherent enjoyment to the setup, and is one of the best omens for longevity as a game that we could receive. It means that, at our core, we have an enjoyable game. That’s huge! We can only improve!

We’ve knocked out bugs fast. Users have been happy to see new iterations frequently released for testing. 

Users are very eager to test, giving us detailed reports that improve our development.

In conclusion, this has been a hugely positive experience, and we’re excited to keep building and improving. 

We’re hoping to run this test for a few more weeks while we do the following:

Nail down intended functionality of all working mechanics. 

Iterate a few key functionalities: metamorphics, cross-team play, and potentially combat. 

We’ll then close the test, with an announcement of such a week before closing, and take some time to rest, reflect, iterate on any important aspects of the game that we’re missing, and polish what we have with the most pertinent user feedback. After which, we’ll prepare for the opening of Closed Beta! 

Here is an updated timeline to reflect how things are shaking out:

This will be cross-posted to our socials as we focus on updating them!

If I can provide a small update from myself, the project lead: Overall it’s been great, though I am personally working a lot. Between everything I do, I have been working myself to sleep most days of the week. Right now, I eat, I sleep, and I wake up to work on PawBorough, and many times I forgo the sleep part. So I have been extremely grateful for the positivity and patience from the user base, and I have to pre-emptively request a bit of grace and patience if I disappear for a time to get some rest. 

But saying this, I stress that you all do not worry about me! I am completely alright! In fact I am very happy to be working, and I love it. I simply want to communicate the amount of dedication I have right now, ask for a bit of grace if I'm slow to reply to questions or tickets, and to give a big THANK YOU for the opportunity you all have given me to be doing this. I really could not be more in love with PawBorough, and so far I see a bright path for it to grow its wings and flourish as it improves. I hope all of our supporters and users feel this with me!

And from here, I am going to be taking this upcoming weekend away to rest. But we'll be back bright and squirrelly on Monday!

To summarize: We shared the Southern Romanovtsa, Regal set recoloring, 2 new crests, the Gilded Crest accessory, the updated Harvest logo, an NPC wip, a lore drop for longterm conflict, and our Alpha retrospective.

What to expect next update: Further asset and development updates. Check-ins for how Alpha is going, updated Borough descriptions to put on the site, and any further plans we'll have to share. 

[kiwisa]

Watch Out, Boys ✷ cl16

✷ SECOND INTERLUDE OF THE TAMING OF THE HEARTBREAKER

━━━━━  PREVIOUS & NEXT !

in which... Y/N's invitation to the Miami GP means trouble !

AS THE HALL & OATES' SONG GOES: "Watch out, boys, she'll chew you up." Because, if there's one thing we know, it's that putting Y/N L/N and 20 conventionally attractive men in the same place is never a good idea. 

Yet, that is precisely what's going to happen in a few days at the Miami International Autodrome. The actress, who will play the iconic Barbie in Greta Gerwig's adaptation, has been invited by Ray-Ban to the Miami Grand Prix on May 8.

The news was announced on Ferrari’s TikTok account⏤which the eyewear brand sponsors⏤and has since then sparked numerous reactions. While these vary, one common thread stands out: the fear of havoc. Admittedly, L/N turns heads and sows discord wherever she goes. 

Formula One is already a chaotic world, adding Y/N L/N and her shenanigans to the mix would only make it worse. 

Since her list of actors waiting to be seduced is dwindling, this event presents itself as a bargain for the Academy Award-winning actress, who will only have to draw someone from 20 options to be her next prey. 

If the possibilities are considerably reduced by one small element to consider⏤the WAGs⏤L/N has shown before that she is not above immorality when it comes to getting her way. Her affair with Harry Styles, even though he was rumoured to be in a relationship with Olivia Wilde at the time, is formal proof of this. 

Hide your men, ladies, because The Heartbreaker is in town and ready to pounce!

✷ SEE ALSO ON LOVE CLUB... !

Y/N L/N named the highest-paid actress of 2021 by Forbes

"Name a more iconic character? You can't" Y/N on being cast as Barbie for Greta Gerwig's movie

Is Harry Styles cheating on Olivia Wilde with Y/N L/N?

Of course, all eyes are now on the two Ferrari drivers, with whom L/N will spend most of her time (common sponsor dictates), and more particularly on Charles Leclerc, who is single.

It has been almost a month since the woman was last seen with anyone. A record! She's probably more determined than ever to get her hands on some fresh meat, and what better than a handsome, muscular driver who can speak French? We all know L/N's soft spot for the language of love. Her interviews remind us of it enough. So do her many French conquests.

We just hope that the actress' famous bedroom eyes will not trouble the Monegasque and make him lose his race. The fans of Il Predestinato would not react kindly to this.

He is, after all, one of the current favourites for the championship.

In any case, no matter what happens over the weekend, the outcome is bound to be interesting. Because, while her actions are open to criticism, Y/N L/N's impact is undeniable.

The woman is already the talk of the paddock and she hasn’t even set foot on it yet.

FILED UNDER #Y/NL/N #F1 #ACTORS #SPORTS #MIAMI #DATING

Sort by Latest ↓

Anonymous 15 minutes ago

It's already a miracle that she hasn't tried to fuck football players yet, if she could keep this up with F1 it would be great.

Anonymous 38 minutes ago

I will never understand why celebrities who have nothing to do with F1 and probably don't give a shit about it either are invited to all GP. It's ridiculous.

Anonymous 51 minutes ago

There's something about Y/N that I just hate. It's physical at this point. I can only stand her in movies. Probably because she doesn't act like herself in those...

Anonymous 1 hour ago

No, but I swear she really has a libido problem. This is the only explanation. She must be a nymphomaniac. Or just a whore. Or both.

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[deliverusfromevillll]

Formerly Yours [Adam/F!Reader] [01]

❝ Wow babe, you really make it sound like you care about me. ❞

warnings ⨾ angst, miscommunication, eating disorders, self neglect, swearing, pinning, no beta we die like adam

terms ⨾ ❝ Powers ❞ In biblical terms, those who assist in governing the natural order.

notes  ⨾ I intend on making this a long series, as I've been hyperfixated on this character for a stupid long time and have created an OC and commissioned artwork of future scenes. If you would like to be part of the process ( as I am currently looking for beta readers ) and/or generally would like to see WIPs feel free to join my discord ( NgT88bybyY ).

[01] [02] [03] [04]

As always minors DNI.| 3.8K words

"FUCK!"

[F/n] recoils, frantically waving and flicking her hand as a burst of steam emerged from the box at her desk. She blows cool air on her exposed fingers, sighing as she tore off the damaged glove.

Despite the shock of energy, she quickly ignores her own pain as her project seemed to have been a success.

The translucent cube radiated a bright yellow at every edge, keeping a clear see-through surface otherwise. Her heart raced, eyebrows raised, as she ogled it further.

Reaching for it confidently, she plucks it, watching the yellow edges reverberate at her touch.

Awe-struck by her success, her features immediately shift into a smirk.

Sera would be pleased.

She sets it back down on her workbench, scooting her chair back. [F/n] opens a drawer, fishing for a new glove among the unorganized mess.

It takes a second but she gets it, fanning out the article before replacing it over her hand. Turning back towards the cube, she cups it under her palms.

She sits up straight, inhaling deeply, eyes flutter shut as she did her best to concentrate. Her celestial magic resonated with the cube, steadily shifting from the gold color to a cool silver.

The next step was extremely precise, she must focus.

"[F/N]—!"

[F/n] jolts, knees hitting the desk. The cube jutted a few increments away, returning to the gold color it was before.

"—My favorite person! Man you're great, so fucking great I know you can quit whatever the fuck you're doing and fix my guitar string right now!"

The panic on her expression grew as she looked over the box, groaning audibly as she rotated to glare at Adam.

"Adam how many times have I told you not to come in my lab immediately screaming my name?!"

"Oh come on Karen, you know I'm the only exciting thing going on in your life. You can stop pretending like you hate me now."

Adam huffs and crosses his arms, looking away aimlessly. His eyes dart back to her then away again after realizing she was staring at him completely unconvinced.

[F/n] sighed.

Getting up, she waves Adam over as she moves towards the open space next to her. Adam grins, offering her his guitar as she mounts it horizontally on a latch installed specifically for his guitar.

"How the fuck did you even break it this time?"

She asks, opening another unsorted drawer and pulling out a box of guitar strings.

"Uhh, well, while you were busy declining my invitations and being a huge lame nerd: I just came back from my kick-ass gig at a party. I went in too hard, y'know what I mean?" He wiggles his eyebrows.

[F/n] absentmindedly lets out an uninterested, "uh huh," at his innuendo.

Adam rolls his eyes, losing interest at her dismissal. He wanders.

She takes a small golden string, weaving it around her fingertips as the broken strings on the guitar reach for the thread. Bringing her hand closer to the guitar, she allows the threads to connect and renew itself using her magic.

Smiling she strums it gently satisfied.

"Alright Adam it's— Adam?" She turns to look where he originally stood, worried when he was no longer there.

"Man what the fuck is this?" He points at the cube, finger dangerously close.

[F/n]'s eyes widen. "DON'T—!" Her wings flutter in panic as she rushed towards him.

Though it was too late. Adam poked the object: It lashed at him in response, absorbing him into the cube in the blink of an eye.

It had shrunken him as well, entrapping him through its see-through walls. Adam pounds at the clear walls, the force reverberating as if it were fluid.

He was shouting. However unable to be heard.

[F/n] groans even louder, face palming as she walks over to pick up the cube. Her brows furrowed, bringing him to eye level.

"You're such a fucking idiot!"

Adam covers his ears at her shouting, sending her the bird in return. He resumes shouting and it translates similarly to the squeak of a mouse. Bringing her ear closer [F/n] could make out two words; "warned" and "me."

Setting him back down in the table [F/n] plants her face into her palms. She's not sure whether she should prepare dying a second time or what, but an epiphany comes to her.

"No, hold on, maybe this can be a good thing."

Adam rolls his eyes, crossing his arms.

"I wasn't anticipating something like this so I don't know how to break you out just yet. After I figure it out we wont have to worry about something stupid like this again."

She could feel the hairs on her neck stand, swiping off a bead of sweat as she nervously reinspects their current predicament.

There was no telling how long it could take to bust him out.

The cube's golden color was replaced with a wine red.

"At least it works."

[F/n] laughs nervously to herself.

Adam walks up the the wall, seemingly charging up his swing as his knuckles crash into the barrier. He quickly loses the grip on his fist, shaking off the pain. His other hand comes to soothe his knuckles.

"Oh, your magic is completely snuffed in this thing."

He groaned, though the sound was once again absorbed.

"This is supposed to be a prototype to capture powerful entities but in its current state I'm the only one who can really touch it; since, well, it's made with my magic." Adam looks up at her with a raised brow.

"...I really have to be ready to present later."

[F/n] kicks herself away from the workbench on her rolling chair, shifting through a few test tubes: plucking one.

"You're so fucking annoying, y'know?"

Scooting back towards Adam, she tilts the vile over him slowly.

The silver fluid shimmered through the glass, gleaming further at the angle it was leaning towards. A small drop falls, landing on top of the box. It get absorbed quickly. The red hue pulsated as it was overridden by the familiar golden color from before.

"This is good..." She mutters.

Adam however kept his displeased expression.

[F/n] swipes another bead of sweat from her forehead as she remounts the test tube on a nearby stand. Cupping around the cube, Adam finally breaks his scowl as he nervously looks up at her and mouths something unintelligable.

"Don't worry, this was the next step before you came and touched things you shouldn't."

It took hours. Hours of incremental progress with no solution in sight.

Adam was still entrapped, [F/n] blinking completely blearily as the overuse of her own abilities finally began crawling up on her.

Strands of [h/c] hair stuck out in random spots.

In the timeframe however, the muffling of his voice became weaker and weaker. "You look like shit." Was something Adam would say often after each failed test.

They had also discovered she was able to teleport items into the block: after accidentally transporting her coat while her connection to the cube was still fresh.

She was able to replicate this using his guitar so he at least had some form of entertainment.

Busy mixing a new concoction, her stomach growled. Adam shifted from his seat against the wall, flapping his wings to help himself quickly stand.

"When are we gonna eat."

"After I get you out."

"But you're hungry, I'm hungry: you feel like shit, I feel like shit— c'mon babe don't fuckin' be difficult."

[F/n] groans, placing down the objects in her hands as she stood up. Alright, one quick meal break, that's it: this asshole wouldn't keep his mouth shut otherwise.

Adam grins as she gently grabbed his container and headed out of her lab. Completely ignoring the stairs under her feet as she flew up and through the open door.

She sets him on the counter nearby her fridge.

Opening the freezer, she yanked out a frozen pizza, setting it beside him. [F/n] begins preheating her oven.

"Oh hell yeah. How'd you know I was in the mood for pizza babe?"

"It's the only thing I have in my fridge."

Adam quirked a brow.

"Only pizza?"

"Only pizza."

There was a pregnant pause.

The sounds of the pizza unboxing and quiet shuffling filled the air for the next several seconds while she placed it on a pan. He was deliberating his next few words.

"You don't cook— or order anything even?"

"I don't have time for it." [F/n] sighed. "My research is more important."

Adam could hardly tell because of her robes, but upon really staring at her he did notice she was becoming thinner than usual. There were dark bags underneath her pearly yellow irises and he'd even notice her slow blinks.

He frowned.

"So what do you eat when you work?"

Now it was her turn to stutter, dropping the pizza into the hot oven a littler harsher than intended. The pan clattered but rested nonetheless.

[F/n] shuts the oven closed as she takes a seat next to the counter.

"I... I don't." She sighed again.

Adam hated that answer.

He secretly assumed so, but pushed in hopes of hearing a different response. It made him feel terrible.

Though he would visit her often he never noticed anything askew. Not until he was forced to just sit and watch. After this he swore he'd double his visits either with grub in hand or to drag her out the lab.

He knew he could talk Sera into forcing her to take a break, maybe then it would incentivize her to be more receptive to his visits.

He failed to understand why she was always breathing down her neck, but when he'd ask he would always be met with a nonanswer. 

Adam stood up and walked towards the closest edge to her.

"I need to get you out the of the lab more often, doing this shit all day fucking sucks." Adam stated.

[F/n] cocked her head at him, running a hand through her messy [h/c] hair.

"That'd only set me back on my work."

"Well fuck— then I can drop by and help out or something."

She tried to stifle a laugh. Her attempt didn't go unnoticed. "You serious? Your definition of helping out is messing with all my shit, what makes you think I'd want your help?"

She quirked, picking up the box and brought him to eye level. "Yeah, I'm..."

Adam's stoic expression became sullen in a way he appeared nearly defeated.

It was so odd to see someone with such a huge ego begin to crumble at the idea of rejection.

Adam was someone who can easily fill his schedule, it's not like he needed [F/n] to keep him occupied neither her approval, so: "why did it matter?"

He had Lute in his corner, his band, groupies, friends. Was this pity? It had to be, or maybe some sort of leftover obligation he'd mustered up in his head since she had previously held the title as his best friend: or in his terms his number one bitch.

Times change everywhere, heaven included, there was just no room for leisurely things anymore. 

"I'm... Glad? I'm glad! For, uhh, the offer. Maybe we can after I get done with this you can h—."

It was as if a firework went off in his head. "Fuck yeah! I knew you couldn't say no to me bitch!" He strummed his guitar in excitement.

[F/n] cracked into a smile. She watched in amusement as he strummed a quick verse: immediately perking and repeating the verse.

"You just gave me the best idea for a new song!"

His guitar sings the tune he played beautifully. Adam flaps his wings, kiting around what little space he had in rhythm to his own music methodically.

Her golden irises stare at him almost in awe. He looked akin to one of those wind-up music boxes.

It was cute.

He was cute.

Then it dawned on her. This wasn't a visual she should have, nor a thought she should imagine. Adam wasn't even supposed to be encased in her snare in the first place.

[F/n] sets him down carefully in embarrassment.

Her thoughts interrupted as the oven chimed in, and she shifted to pull it open. With the wave of her fingers, the pan floats out of the oven and sits on top of the stove.

She wills a pizza cutter, manifesting it out of thin air. It radiates a gentle yellow, rolling over the pizza and cutting it into equal slices.

"Guitar sol— OW! FUCK!"

[F/n] flinched, pizza cutter rolling over incorrectly as her magic stuttered. She turns around, blinking.

"Uhh?"

Adam stood before her, ripping his mask and glove off to pop his finger in his mouth. No longer in the confinement of the cube, he looks up at her before realizing he was now free.

"What the hell happened?" [F/n] asked in clear confusing.

Adam muffled. "I fuckin' cut myself rocking out too hard." He takes his finger out of his mouth, a small dribble of golden ichor coats his finger.

Glancing between him and the box that was now a cool silver. That's all it took. The blood of an angel. He was free.

[F/n] sighed, he really did help solve it after all. She chuckled in disbelief. Adam immediately shot her a look before reminding her of his injury.

"Uhh hello? Still fucking bleeding here." He takes the seat she was on earlier.

"Hold on."

Adam watches her disappear into another room for a minute, reemerging with a medical kit in hand. She sets it next to him, unzipping the material before pulling out some of the contents.

A bandage, cotton balls, and a black bottle with "Hydrogen Peroxide" in large white letters.

"Is the peroxide really necessary? I-I mean it's a small cut!" Adam huffed, looking worried as his eyes met hers.

[F/n] sits down beside him, extending her wing to blanket him comfortingly while she dabbled a cotton ball into the liquid. "Lord knows how much sinner remnants or mystery fluids are still on your guitar, when's the last time you properly cleaned it?" 

His feathers brushed against her own causing him to shiver internally. It was like a spark shot through his spine. Adam relaxed for a moment against her warmth.

"Uhh, like, a week? I dunno."

She mumbled. "That can get infected. I'm not risking that."

"Wow babe, you really make it sound like you care about me." Adam grinned.

"It's cause I do."

His grin shrunk slightly, taken aback at how she admitted it so easily.

Despite all the years together where their friendship mainly consisted of him either teasing or irritating her, he fully expected to hear a "no" or anything of the sort.

Adam felt chest tighten.

Then he hissed.

The cotton gently being pressed against his open cut made the pain worse tenfold. No pain compared to that of rubbing alcohol.

He didn't even notice her taking his hand among his thoughts. Though still in pain, he could feel her small hands cup his large one.

"Who knew a bit of angel blood was all this thing fucking needed? Man I feel so stupid now." [F/n] mutters mostly to herself, but Adam still heard through coping with own pain.

"Y-Yeah, you're welcome." Adam forced a grin.

She had removed her lab gloves during the process. He was able to feel her skin on his, the first thought he had being how soft her skin felt. Her hands were so much smaller compared to his own.

Her touch was so gentle.

Even when she was wrapping the bandage around his finger she treated him so carefully as if he were some delicate thing. It felt so nurturing. Loving almost. It made him smile.

"There, better?"

Adam looks at the bandage that had yellow star prints among space. Of course she'd own this over regular skin-toned bandages. He smiled, quietly chuckling.

"Yeah. Thanks babe."

[F/n] smiles, clearing her throat as she teleported the pizza before them. She picks up a slice, taking a small bite to answer her growling stomach.

"Man this isn't so bad."

Adam does the same, taking a chunk into his mouth.

He chews for a moment before tensing, side-eyeing her to watch as she pulled it back to her mouth for another bite. His hand reaches out to stop her arm from bringing the damned thing close enough to her lips.

He spits the chunk out of his mouth.

"Are you fucking insane? This tastes like shit!" He corrected. "You can taste how aged this garbage is! How long did you keep this for?"

Adam stands, placing the slice back on the pan before turning towards her fridge. He yanks it open.

His eyes are met with nothing more than a few bottles of water, most of them were open and at various levels. Opening the freezer wasn't any better. There sat but a single pint of french vanilla ice cream.

"I told you." [F/n] shrugs.

He turns to [F/n].

"I'm ordering us some real food."

"Seriously though, but I'm telling ya, the look on her stupid fucking face when I told her the extermination date was cut to six months was everything!" Adam laughed in between bites. 

"And —oh fuck— get this: she tried to imply they don't deserve death— that they could ascend and cross those pearly gates! HAHA! Can you believe it?" 

He extended a wing out, coiling around her like a large blanket as he nudged her closer to him on the couch. The tv playing in the background filled the silence in between pauses. 

"It's so hilariously pathetic!"

[F/n] nodded along with him, nervously laughing.

She hid the straight line on her lips.

"See? Better right?" Adam grins as he bit into the meat-lover styled pizza. [F/n] nods in content as she popped the final bite of her slice into her mouth. She hummed in delight. 

She was accustomed to mainly eating frozen foods, eating was mostly an afterthought, especially as of recent, so admittedly there were days she either completely forgot or was too spent to even bother.

There was something really endearing about the idea Adam would still go out of his way to do this, considering he could've literally just left after he was freed.

[F/n] sinks into his wing, feeling her feathers ruffle against his. He was warm, very, very warm. She felt slightly guilty accepting his comfort.

"I'm surprised you didn't immediately bounce after you got out." [F/n] admits. 

Adam side-eyes her before turning to face her. "Why would I? I'm exhausted and starving."

She rolled her eyes, lightly elbowing him. Adam glances towards the open box then back at his piece. "I mean shit, did you even eat more than a slice?"

"I don't see how this matters?"

"Yeah how about you let me decide what I wanna fucking worry about or not nerdy-tits, got it? Thanks now open up." 

Adam hovers his already bitten piece before her lips, giving her an encouraging nudge as she blushed. She paused in embarrassment. [F/n] huffed, swallowing her pride with a bite of his slice.

"His lips were on it..." She thinks to herself, watching the satisfied smile on his expression grow before being hidden as he takes his last bite, tossing the crust back onto the box among the other uneaten slices.

"Was that so hard?" He asks with a mouthful.

"Y'know, sugar-tits, you seriously don't have to be locked in your lab all day. You're too hot for shit like that."

"So you want me to leave my work for what— to be your fucking mindless groupie instead?"

They both look at each other. [F/n] more shocked than anything as the words just left her tongue with no prior thought. Her response came off harsher than intended. 

Was that really how she felt?

She knew Adam was popular among women, he was the first man after all, self proclaimed "dick master" before all. It never bothered her before, well, not the the extent where she outwardly lashed at him. 

Even if she did feel as though he replaced her, she never faulted him for it no matter how it pained her.

[F/n] never wanted to acknowledge the emotion because it would only materialize further, and realizing she did exactly that annoyed her.

He was nice to her, cared and fed her, this seemed unnecessarily hostile and out of left field. 

"Sorry." She sighed, rubbing her eyes. 

That's what it was, exhaustion. 

After leaving the lab she didn't notice it until she properly sat down but she has been feeling the weight of her work this entire time. The stress of it, and the labor. All this among Adam coming in readily available to create a larger mess.

"Geez babe, didn't take you for the jealous type."

"I am not jealous, just tired."

"Lying is a sin y'know."

"I'm not LYING!"

She'd gotten up, leaving the warmth of his wings. [F/n] walked over to the sliding door connected to the room, nearly ripping it open. She had sucked in an exasperated breath.

Enough of this nonsense. 

Her brows knit together. "You need to leave, now." She muttered loud enough for him to hear, head pointed over her shoulder to look at him.

"What? Why? Because I teased you?!"

[F/n] rolls her eyes. "I need to keep working without you barreling into my lab preferably this time."

Adam shot up, shoving his mask on as he'd stomp over at her. He'd wave both his hands outwards, face wrinkling in frustration. "What's got you on your period? You were never like this in the past!"

There was that word. The past. She hated it.

This was childish, a thing of history, not the person who she was now.

Her job was important, far too important. It angered her she'd allow herself to be lured out like this. Heaven's work was more urgent than whatever residual sentiment existed between them. 

"I said get the fuck out!"

[F/n] had shoved him to the other side of the wall, despite his protests.

The clear door rattled as it closed in the middle of them, locking itself with magic.

Adam stares at her through the glass, eyes wide and with some level of shock or anger, or perhaps even both, but she couldn't decipher all that well and honestly didn't want to.

[F/n] holds his stare looking distant. Her lips creased.

It's difficult to do this, but this was faster than dragging it out. She could only hope one day he'd come to appreciate or gain some level of understanding why this turned out the way it did. 

For now, no matter her feelings, this was easier than explaining.

[henrysglock]

Local Man Uses The Cyclical 27-Year Torment Nexus To Try And Change His Fate [EPIC FAIL COMPILATION]

You probably guessed that this is the time-travel post I've been slaving over. You'd be right. This is the newest and most formal iteration of my long-standing time loop theory (I have drafted flowcharts back from February that actually predicted a dimension/time fuckery event in 1943 in relation to Brenner, which was made canon by TFS). So...Let's just dive right in. Note: I'm planning to keep calling TFS Henry "Henry" here just for simplicity's sake.

Now, fair warning: There are a few big "bear with me"s in this post. I promise they make sense, I just need you to hear me out.

It all started with Henry's self-proclaimed superhero name: The Stardust Spider.

Some of you may have seen my original post about The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars (here).

Before anyone says "Oh, but that album didn't exist yet", a reference in 1959 about a Bowie album that wouldn't be recorded until November of 1971 is in keeping with TFS's habit of directly referencing things from the '70s that "don't exist yet".

However, all that aside, there's a specific piece I want to return to, because it bugs the living daylights out of me.

There was a cut song that was meant to go on the album The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars titled "Shadow Man":

For obvious reasons in relation to Henry in The First Shadow, this song already stuck out.

Specifically, though, these few stanzas hit me weirdly:

You should call and see who answers For he promises to come running Guided by the truth For the Shadow Man is really You Look in his eyes and see your reflection Look to the stars and see his eyes He'll show you tomorrow, he'll show you the sorrows Of what you did today You can call him foe, you can call him friend You should call and see who answers (see who answers) For he knows your eyes are drawn to the road ahead And the Shadow man is waiting 'round the bend ('round the bend) Shadow man is waiting up ahead

The Shadow Man is you from the future. He's waiting up ahead to show you the the truth/the consequences of your actions.

Considering that the TFS version of Young "Henry" has a direct connection to both the Shadow and Dimension X from a young age, and he also experiences what seem to be Vecna-type visions, this becomes particularly interesting to me...Especially seeing as said fates are not only possible for future "Henry", but also canon for future "Henry". (See: Vecna guy vs Mindflayer guy)

So, when I see an almost comical number of lines in TFS relating to rewriting known, undesirable endings (here are a few of my favorites):

And when we revisit some of the on-film classics:

I start to think it's time we revisit the concept of time-travel and trying to change your own fate.

It's always hard to know where to start with posts like these, so I'm going to kick things off with the technical aspect: The Cycle.

Something I've talked about in the past year, mostly on Discord, is this concept of a time loop. Not just any old time loop, though. A 27 year cycle, specifically.

Not 20, not 30...

Now, we all know the TFS timeline is messy as hell and doesn't actually align with anything that's possible in filmed canon...or within its own time span, even.

For example, the attack on Mr. Newby happens both some point after October 1st, 1959 and before November 20th, 1959...but the papers for the incident report it on March 20th, 1958:

The timeline we're given also largely fabricated, as I pointed out in relation to the newspapers with dates that don't actually exist.

However, much like NINA, the sequence itself being fake doesn't mean the events didn't happen. It's just not happening in the time frame we're told it's happening in:

It's a set of real events, just portrayed on a different time scale.

So, with all that in mind, I want to lay out a timeline, starting from Season 4 and moving backwards in time:

— Vecna opens the rifts, and El opens a gate to Dimension X in NINA, both in 1986. The March 1959 Creel Murders occur exactly 27 years before the Rifts and NINA's Dimension X gate open in 1986...at which point the Mindflayer is shown to be active.

— Mothergate opens through to Dimension X at some point between November 1983 and October 1984, this being somewhere between 16-28 months prior the Rifts opening. The paper about the attack on Mr. Newby, dated March 20th, 1958, is released exactly 610 days, or 20 months, prior to the Creel murders on November 20th, 1959. It's not necessarily the exact dates that are important here (again, these dates are relatively unreliable), but the gap between the dates.

When put in accordance with filmed dates (i.e. setting the release of this paper exactly 610 days prior to March 22nd of 1959), the paper for the attack on Mr. Newby would have been released on July 20th, 1957. This would be in line with Edward Creel's move to Hawkins in the spring of 1957...while also occurring 27 years before July of 1984, at which point Mothergate is open, and the Mindflayer is active.

This July date is especially funny to me considering we get "throwaway" lines like this...with shots in filmed canon from summertime:

Top: Joyce and Jim beginning their investigation into the attic attack. Hopper Sr. is questioning why Joyce and Jim are investigating, rather than attending school. Bottom: Alice and Henry with the rabbit death scenes in filmed canon, the setting showing full foliage and both children in summer clothing. "Is it summer break?" I don't know. You tell me, Chief.

Per TFS, Henry went missing in a cave system near his home town of Rachel, Nevada (hold that thought) at some point in the year prior to the attack on Mr. Newby. We've been told that Dimension X was involved in this event in Nevada, something happened there that left "Henry" altered physically. He was also flayed at some point around this time.

This all coincides with Henry's dramatic mood shift from a "normal and good" boy to one suffering from Mindflayer-induced psychosis. This change happened in tandem with the Nevada incident, dating back 10 months prior to the attack on Mr. Newby:

If we set Henry's initial disappearance in line with filmed canon like before, it becomes September of 1956, which is just over 27 years before Will's disappearance in November of 1983, at which point we know at least one gate is open.

We also have 1952, at which point TFS Henry would be 7 per his age as a 14 year old/freshman in play canon. This exists in a 27 year interval against 1979, when El opens the original gate that sends One to Dimension X, where he subsequently shapes the Shadow into the Mindflayer.

Here comes the first "hear me out".

My questions are:

Since Henry/Vecna/The Mindflayer/etc. in general don't show any capability for opening gates before 1986, then how the hell is the Mindflayer possessing anyone in 1959?

How did "Henry" get involved with Dimension X in Nevada in the 1950s?

Unless, by some chance:

Dimension X exists all the time simultaneously (i.e. it's a space outside time)

The gates exist simultaneously across time and space in the Right Side Up in 27 year intervals. By which I mean: A gate that opens in, say, 1983 would exist simultaneously in 1956, so on an so forth.

There's the disappearance of Captain Brenner and the USS Eldridge in 1943, which would, interestingly enough, align with 1970, the supposed year of El's conception.

Then, 1952. Now, I'm not sure what's special about 1952, when TFS "Henry" was 7, because they don't actually say what happened to make that year important! They make a point to show it to us, though, meaning something happened...we just don't know what. All I can say is that 1952 does exist in a 27 year interval against El's 1979 gate. Hold that thought.

Those addressed, let's fast-forward 4 years: 1956/1983.

Now, to be fair, there is some uncertainty in my mind about whether this specific gate incident stems from Brenner's involvement with Project Rainbow in Nevada pre-1957*, or if it stems from Mothergate in 1983, or if they created some kind of wormhole between the two locations 27 years apart...but that's a concept I need to explore more thoroughly in a another post.

In short, though: Did a singular El open a singular Mothergate? Did El open mothergate? Did Mothergate actually open on November 6th, 1983...or are we just supposed to assume it opened the same night Will went missing/the demogorgon came through? We're never given a concrete date for when Mothergate actually opened.

* In TFS, Brenner claims he's dedicated his life post-1943 to Project Rainbow with the goal of finding Dimension X, and that he's doing so in pursuit of knowledge regarding the circumstances of his father's death in connection with the Philadelphia Experiment. The USS Eldridge, Brenner Sr.'s ship, disappeared into Dimension X briefly on October 28th, 1943. "Brenner Sr." was the sole survivor. "He" returned to the Right Side Up with a completely unique blood type, supposedly altered by his travels into Dimension X. This is what ultimately led to him succumbing to his injuries, due to his body rejecting all forms of blood transfusion. Brenner Jr. tells us that about 10 months prior to Henry's first stay in HNL, a scientist from Project Rainbow escaped Brenner's lab carrying a container of a dangerous material, and ended up near the same Nevada cave system Henry disappeared into. We don't know how or when this material was collected, or what it was, but we know they found Henry's Captain Midnight spyglass next to a body (identity unspecified) with no trace of that dangerous material. We get no further detail about the Nevada Disappearance.

Anyway, someone opens a gate in the fall of 1956 and/or 1983 (my money's on it being directly linked to an El in 1983 either way). No matter who did it, though, someone opened a gate at both time points, showing us this 27 year link between the 2 dates, 2 key locations.

"Henry" goes missing in Nevada in 1956, and ends up involved with Dimension X...Which aligns with the choice of song surrounding this version of the Creel family while they move into their new home:

Coincidentally, 27 years in the future, so does Will, in Indiana. Their experiences are linked across those two spaces via that 27 year period.

We know that regardless of the gate in Nevada...Mothergate, at least, stays open until from fall 1956/1983 to fall 1957/1984. That covers exact time frame that the adjusted dates for both Henry's accident with the boy in Nevada and his accident with Mr. Newby fall in (as well as Will's time between his disappearance and his flaying).

The closer we get to Will's flaying in 1984, and the closer the Mindflayer gets to crossing through Mothergate, the more TFS Henry sounds like One (post-1979) while he's possessed in 1957, the more strangely he behaves in general (almost as though the Mindflayer is more enmeshed in his everyday life/closer to the surface), and the stronger the possession attempts seem to become overall. He begins giving nightmare visions to other people, namely tormenting Virginia with spiders and her past. He has his final and most powerful "Vecna" vision on the night of the attack on Mr. Newby.

Any kind of reciprocal gate irt Mothergate in the '50s would have gone unnoticed, since the papers in TFS indicate that HNL wasn't established until Brenner showed up to take Henry in.

Mothergate closes briefly, only for a gate to open in July 1958/1985 in the underground location of the future Starcourt Mall. This, in 1958, is during our unaccounted-for 20 months between the attack on Mr. Newby and the Creel murders. (Something rattles about this and the scene where Henry nearly makes full contact with the Mindflayer, when he has a handful of duplicate lines re: his 4.07 monologue self, but I don't have sufficient evidence to make that claim with any certainty.)

That gate closes, until Vecna opens gates in Hawkins in March of 1986, and El opens a Dimension X gate briefly and simultaneously in both Hawkins/Nevada in September of 1979 (September of 1952) and Hawkins/Nevada in March of 1986 (March of 1959) during NINA, concurrently...at least one of which may have gone unnoticed, since the Rainbow Room and the surrounding labs seems to have been abandoned entirely after 1979, and HNL as a whole has once again been abandoned after the events of 1984 ("unnoticed" and "abandoned", I say as if the building isn't still being surveilled by Brenner/Owens et. al...I just mean that the building isn't in use by the government at that point in time.)

We're shown the Shadow activating all the way in Russia due to one or multiple of these events. 27 years earlier, in March of 1959, the Mindflayer once again becomes active, per TFS's adjusted dates. Chaos ensues.

At this point, "Henry" starts swapping between sounding like his young self and sounding like his 4.07 Monologuing Adult self again, doing that kind of "I've seen the future" foreshadowing talk with Joyce that his visions did with him:

Here, he also sounds distinctly like ST3 flayed Billy, specifically in the way of the scene with El in the cabin when "Billy" outlines the Mindflayer's plans for her, her friends, and all of Hawkins while crying.

The rest is, well...history. Whatever fuckery went on, it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference. After all, TFS is a "canon event", meaning it had to end the way it did.

Remember those thoughts I asked you to hold?

TFS being a "canon event" means it had to end with Henry in the lab alongside baby El...thus completing our loop, which starts again with the events of 1979/1952. A 27 year loop. TFS may be indicative of a time loop.

Hence:

Out of place dates from the 1970s start to bleed into the 1950s: - A town like Rachel, Nevada, which wasn't established until 1978, now exists circa 1952-1959 after El opens a gate to Dimension X circa 1979 in Nevada circa 1986 via NINA, which exists...about 40-50 miles from Rachel.

- An album like Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars (November, 1971) or a song like "Chuck E's In Love" (April, 1979) gets referenced circa 1957-1959. - An article about a "younger, more handsome" alien clone of Elvis appears in a 1959 Weekly Watcher paper about the Creel murders, despite Elvis having been 24 at the time...making this an article more likely to have appeared in the '70s or later, likely sometime around Elvis' death in 1977.

2. The Shadow is always depicted as the fully formed Mindflayer circa 1956-1959, despite the shaping event happening in the 4 years between 1979-1983:

3. Henry has Vecna-type visions, despite being the only vision-giver we know of circa 1957-1959.

4. 6 different guys later in the HNL massacre: 2 with the original baby El, 2 with teen El via NINA, and 2 in an as-of-yet unseen product of NINA's Loop (see: the final scene of TFS).

All this laid out, some questions remain:

Why do Henry's visions show him the genuine, terrifying reality of his future?

Why are these visions generally lacking in coercion?

Why are Vecna chime sounds heard before the major supernatural events that deal with visions, even though we never actually see the clock? (They're heard before Virginia in the attic, before the attack on Mr. Newby, before the Creel murders, and in the basement when Henry monologues at Joyce while viewing the corpses of his family.)

Why don't these chimes play when the Mindflayer alone is present, e.g. when no visions occur? (See: Henry contacting the Mindflayer in the lab)

And we don't really get an answer to any of these. Not an easily spotted outright answer, anyway.

But what's really fascinating, which I mentioned just a second ago and takes me back to the top of this post, back to the "Stardust Spider" and Shadow Man, is the fact that despite occurring concurrently with the possession attempts...none of these visions contain an ultimatum. There's no "If you don't obey me, I'll hurt someone you love", no "I'm showing you what's going to happen if you don't obey me", nothing of the sort.

The closest we get to coercion is the bathroom vision, when Henry fights off a possession attempt in the school bathroom and ends up in a vision regarding Patty. When "Patty" starts to talk to him about his future, about how Henry's going to kill her and so many others, Henry says "you're not Patty...what are you?" Then he gets into a physical brawl with her, which is surprisingly well matched. Vision Patty encourages him during that fight, saying things like "That's it!", "We want the same thing!", and "We can have her!"

Those seem like pretty straightforward "the Mindflayer's encouraging Henry to kill" encouragements, right?

Yeah, at first glance. However...lets read that back right quick, but with Moral Objectivity Goggles on this time. Henry openly, verbally identifies that Vision Patty is "not her, not Patty", but is, in fact, something else. He does this multiple times before he lunges at "not Patty", and he is subsequently encouraged by not-Patty...who tells him they want the same thing. That's not suspicious at all. The motives here are definitely crystal clear and totally aren't conflicting in any way.

There's the straightforward surface aspect, and then something else piggybacking on it, complicating it. Hold that thought.

Other than that instance, the negative parts of Henry's visions are all just...information. They're showing him what will come to pass...almost like they're motivating him to fight the Mindflayer. Hold onto that thought too, it buddies with the previous one.

Henry's freaking out about Prancer because he's getting close with Patty, and he's worried he'll hurt her?

His vision informs him that he's going to kill more, that he's going to hurt things, that he's going to kill Patty if he stays around her and/or gives into the Mindflayer's desires. And then it happens. All of it. He kills more animals. He hurts things and people, the pets and lab animals, Mr. Newby, and Inmate 58361 being prime examples. He gives in to the Mindflayer's desire to kill and kills Virginia. He does, by the extent of his perception, kill Patty in the accident.

The same goes for his vision in the attic. Henry's up in the attic using his powers to find someone/snoop on them, fearful of opening himself up for a possession attempt?

The vision version of Patty's mother catches Henry and tells him she "wants to tell him a secret" while his body is being puppeted to attack Mr. Newby. The next time the curtain rises to show us the inside of Henry's mind, he's seeing himself as Vecna, strung up on the tentacles and strangling people with them...just like the end of Season 4. Once again, he's seeing the future that will come to pass...should he fail to fight the Mindflayer off.

We can tell it's a vision, not what's physically happening in reality, because: a) Henry's watching himself in the attic from the stage below. b) It's got the messed up red lighting c) They show us reality just moments before, not a tentacle in sight and without Henry on the stage there observing:

d) The ending of the vision doesn't match with reality:

At the end of this vision, Henry passes out both in the void and IRL, while the vision version of Henry remains crouching. That is a different guy, entirely separate from IRL/Void Henry. There is at least one other person in the visions who is not a product of the vision itself.

Remember those thoughts from a bit ago that I asked you to hold?

Well. This also happens to be the sequence where we not only get Vision-Patty repeating Henry's own words from just after Prancer's death ("It's not real. It's not real. It's a nightmare") back to him, a phrase IRL Patty has never heard, but we also get:

Visions Patty telling Henry how to fight and evade the possession, as if she knows what she's doing ("It's your dream, remember? Anything is possible").

Vision Patty telling Henry she loves him as the last-ditch effort when his "good dream" memory of the real Patty fails to save him from the possession.

These are both things IRL Patty wouldn't know or think to say, since IRL Patty fully believed that Henry attacked her of his own volition out of malice, and she needed to be shown a drawing of the Mindflayer by Mr. Newby in order to abandon that belief.

IRL Patty's behavior is not the behavior of someone who a) knows the ins and outs of Henry's situation with the Mindflayer, and b) coached him through overcoming a possession attempt a little while earlier. It's just not.

Just like before, we're seeing contradictions and complications between vision-selves and IRL selves, along with a sense of piggybacking within possession attempts, wherein the vision serves as motivation for Henry to fight harder in resistance to the Mindflayer...while the Mindflayer is possessing him.

It's starting to become my favorite thing in the world: A pattern of behavior.

In summary:

Henry's are visions are visions of his future, and they're being shown to him by someone.

They are separate from, but piggybacking on, the Mindflayer's possession attempts.

The purpose of the visions isn't solely to torment Henry or coerce him into doing the Mindflayer's bidding. In fact, the content of the visions seems curated to make Henry fight harder in resistance to the Mindflayer.

So if, for example, Vision Patty ≠ IRL Patty, but she's acting against the Mindflayer's best interest/in support of Henry...then...

I think my answer to the questions of "who", "when", and "how" should be at least somewhat clear by this point:

Someone...from the future.

Specifically, someone from 1979-1986 who has access to the gates from the Dimension X side, someone with both vision-giving and time-related abilities who's directly connected to the Mindflayer/the Hive Mind, but who has a vested interest in countering the Mindflayer, saving Henry Creel, and trying to change the course of the future.

A traitor. A spy, if you will.

"A spy...from the future?"

[gestures at the Signs] Yeah, you heard me.

A spy from the future.

So, on that note: The point in this section wherein I ask you to hear me out.

I get the feeling TFS Henry is being told and/or shown what will come to pass in the future by himself...the Mindflayer.

And you're probably going "How do you figure that one, James? Isn't the Mindflayer a villainous force?"

I mean, yeah. Of course it is. However...

There are clearly multiple forces at play within the Mindflayer (hive mind!), and TFS shows us that Henry Creel wouldn't choose to be a villain.

Thus I think the visions in TFS are situations where, as in the 4.07 rabbit scene, things look really damning on first view. They play on our empathy using small, visibly-frightened, helpless victims and shocking, violent circumstances to guide us into making the assumption that everything about the situation is inherently malicious.

We're shown this poor little guy, "Henry". He's 14 years old, he clocks in at 5'5", he's skittish/scared of (ha) his own shadow, and he's geeky to the nth degree about comic books (just LOOK at that Captain Midnight salute? What an cute little nerd). He's immediately lovable. He's also, we find out rather abruptly, plagued by horrific visions and murderous fits of possession.

The immediate response is to go "He's being psionically tortured by some sick, sadistic son of a bitch who hungers for nothing but blood and control", just like Nancy and the ST fandom collectively did with Young Henry's rabbit scene...only to be proven wrong about Henry's intentions via TFS.

I mean, does anyone (anyone who's able to read this post, anyway 🤭) look at TFS Henry, filmed Young Henry, or even Orderly Henry and go "Yeah. He totally wanted what he got, and if he had the chance, he definitely wouldn't try to save himself from that fate"?

No.

TFS Shows us that "Henry" was a terrified, traumatized boy who wanted it all to stop. He's kind, brave, and stronger than he seems. We're also shown that he's capable of overcoming the Mindflayer to issue warnings to people he cared about (i.e. telling people to run, or prophesying dangers he'd seen via the visions). He was trying to survive with next to no help while causing as little harm as possible. He was a good kid, and he certainly wasn't evil.

So, all that said...I think that, via the Shadow's hive-mind capabilities, Henry's "fronting", in a manner of speaking, in order to show this version of himself the future. Probably as a warning, probably as motivation to fight the Mindflayer, and all with a nice side-dish of "here's how you fight this thing off so that my current future doesn't become our future" before someone else tapes over the figurative laptop camera.

[coughs, drops this Brenner-Mindflayer collage on the table in front of you, and then scurries away]

With that said, I'd like to loop all the way back to the top of this post: The "Shadow Man" may be Henry from the future. He's waiting up ahead to show his younger self the true outcome of his choices.

We all know how TFS ends, though. Hence:

[EPIC FAIL COMPILATION]

This brings me to my final "bear with me" point: The matter of the strange double-agent vibes from the UD in every season.

I'm not sure if anyone else outside the unholycule has noticed this, but in every season there's at least one instance of the UD just...offering up information.

"It does?"

Yup! Let me explain.

On first glance, we look at things like Nancy's vision and even El's vision with Billy in the cabin, and we go "Oh, it's because [insert "the bad guy's cruel/he wants to scare her/his hubris will be his downfall/all serial killers want to be known for their crimes" etc here]"...but maybe that's not the case.

For example: Vecna told Nancy his backstory, and then he immediately went

"Oh hey, so not only am I revealing my identity (Which may help you find out more about me via lab records later on, things like...maybe a list of my abilities, or my weaknesses, like the fact that I have a nut allegry. Allegedly.), but I'm also gonna give you a sneak peek of my apocalypse plans. For free. As a treat. Don't use these to prepare or anything. I'm totally not giving you a head start".

Terrifying, yes. A taunt and a threat on surface view, yes...but also showing his hand. "I want you to tell Eleven everything you see" Why. Why would he want that. He may be confident in his plans, arrogant, even...but he's not that stupid.

I'm serious, though. Check it out in comparison to Henrys visions of the future. The pattern is patterning:

We can track that back to El's cabin scene with Billy, wherein he tells her she shouldn't have looked for him, warns her that they all can see her, and that they're going to be coming after her...and he cries about it. That's vision Billy. That's someone else who piggybacked into El's mind from Billy's mind. That's not real Billy, just like how Billy in Max's vision wasn't the real Billy. The person giving El that vision warns her. Why on earth would he tell her that they can see her, that they're coming for her? That's sensitive information! It would be smarter to let her think she's safe and use that false sense of security to catch her off guard.

In fact, this pattern patterns so well that I'd like to argue this: Henry's TFS visions, Nancy's vision, and El's vision are all the same type of behavior displayed in NINA's chess scene, just in different contexts.

Henry ("Henry") gives some kind of scary prophetic information ("He and the others are going to attempt to kill you", "I would very much like to show you where I am going", "You're going to kill me, aren't you?"), and then we're left to question if it's a scare tactic, manipulative misinformation, or helpful inside information.

It's not that the Mindflayer or Vecna can't hide things from people (see: "Somewhere he didn't want me to see")...like, say, the fact that the Mindflayer is now able to see El, or that Vecna's planning to open 4 gates with his 4 kills.

It's always this miraculous "Huh! Weird info-dropping behavior from the UD's side. Shouldn't look that gift-horse in the mouth though. It's probably just a writing oversight or a shoehorned exposé, so really there's no need to question it." situation where it's just...information that's offered up with no real explanation.

Some of my favorite examples:

...and it's all topped off with Max's line:

"He's been telling us his plan this whole time".

That is to say...You're telling me:

The first message from the Upside Down isn't any of the messages that are concretely Will's, but instead it's the one that's a repetitive Henry line...and it's conveyed in a distinctly not-Will style? A message that saves Joyce, something that's definitely not in the UD's best interest given her tenacity in finding her boy...but is definitely coming from the UD nonetheless?

Will, who fell total prey to the Mindflayer in less than 3 days, was not only able to figure out how to defeat the Mindflayer, but was also strong enough to convey it in Morse code? The Mindflayer, who is able to keep secrets (see below), just...let that information slip?

El, who acknowledges that the Mindflayer is more than able to hide things from her, is suddenly released into Billy's memories and allowed to find the source unimpeded?

The Mindflayer, as Billy (Remember: not actually Billy, because Billy can't give visions or invade minds), is telling El that because he's able to see her now, she shouldn't have looked for him? The Mindflayer, which was supposedly building the Fleshflayer to track El down and kill her? Suddenly he's telling her she shouldn't have done the thing that allowed him to find her more easily?

Vecna's giving up all the information about himself and his plans before he's even gotten the 4th gate open, despite him being so secretive about it up until that point?

Henry's visions in TFS are going to scare him into resisting the Mindflayer, making it less likely that he's going to upgrade to killing humans, i.e. the very thing the Mindflayer wants him to do?

None of that makes any damn sense...until we hit this last point:

Orderly Henry is known for giving inside information about "Papa" to El with no clear motive other than getting her to leave the lab.

Now, if you know my page then you know Em's been talking about double meanings in phrasing recently (see: this post about "who"s and "what"s).

So, with that in mind, I'd like you to chew on this:

"He's been telling us his plan this whole time." vs "He's been telling us His plan this whole time."

By which I mean: "He's been telling us some other man's plan this whole time."

[Mike voice] Superspy.

As a parting thought, I made it all into a nice, neat set of collages:

Not to mention this final, parting bit: