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it’s just one of those croissant days

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It's that time of night, have my favorite tiktok of all time

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Welcome to Dorley Hall is a wonderful book (like, astoundingly so) with so much in it that resonated with me, but this line utterly destroyed me. Like, "had to put the book down and cry" destroyed.

The tags say "this is a good line". And it is, because it calls "that period where you know you're trans but don't transition" out for what it is - not hiding, not denying - theft. You steal years of the life you want and deserve and spend them on one you don't, and it's fucking devastating when you realise what an abominable act of cruelty that is to perform on yourself.

It's almost been ten years since I decided to stop stealing my own time. I'd originally tried to come out as a shy 15 year old who couldn't stand up for herself, or express how she felt. The first and only therapist I saw told me I almost certainly wasn't trans because I didn't like cleaning my room and wearing pink, and I didn't argue back.

I didn't know I could disagree with a doctor. This was the early 2000's - I had only seen trans teenagers in webcomics, could barely conceive of them existing in real life at all. I was convinced I would be the only one I would ever know. I was scared and alone, so I dropped it.

But the adult she grew into? Who spent her twenties angry and miserable despite knowing what she could do and say to get things moving? Despite all the freedom she had to try things out, if she'd only worked up the nerve? Despite being increasingly surrounded by people who would've been helpful and supportive, if they'd known why she was suffering?

Those years were supposed to've been mine, and I really, truly stole them from myself. It would've been hard, of course it would've. It was always going to be.

But it would've been better.

“Have a lot of experience with trans women, do you?”

“Enough to know that if you give them an inch they’ll steal ten years from themselves.”

Sisters of Dorley, chapter 15.

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girls night girls night

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Once (in a fit of uncharacteristic assertiveness) after repeatedly correcting someone he/himming me in a meeting, I said "Do you want to try that sentence again?" and watching them wither and die inside was fucking priceless. Suddenly it flipped from being an accommodation I was requesting to a mistake they had made. Put that cunt on the spot.

Hey, I recently listened to your episode on WHGS where you talk about getting 'they/them'd in progressive spaces despite you know, everything. Do you have any suggestions on how to correct folks without coming off in an aggressive way? When you said that you wear' she/her' with a badge of honor, I felt that resonate in my soul, and while I don't try to let it get to me, it does feel like the, "Oh I just default everyone to they/them" feels like the lazy exuse to note I'm still 'less than'.

I just smile and quietly say something like, "I'm a 'she' actually but thank you," and that usually sorts them out. If they hit me with a "Oh I call everyone they/them!" I hit 'em back with a, "Well not me, thank you very much!" Good old fashioned polite British passive aggression

Learned it from my Mum, from whom the absolute strongest 'You messed up now!' phrase ever is, "I'm sorry but I'm afraid this simply isn't acceptable." If she ever said that to someone, that person was about to fucking die.

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Jordana LeSesne (1.8.7) is a Black trans woman. She is widely regarded as the top drum and bass producer in the world. Without her, we wouldn’t have electronic music as we know it today. 

She came out in 1998 and went on to get a contract with the Syfy Channel, be profiled in Rolling Stone, and have several albums chart in the Top 25.

She also mixed the original music for the FREE Cece documentary!

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Here's a tiny review for each of the tabletop rpgs I played in 2024

I'm pretty late with my retrospective, but, in my defense, I underestimated how much work it would be.

If you're into this sort of thing, why not subscribe to Hendrik Biweekly and get my thoughts delivered to your inbox biweekly.

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PROMISES - a quick Signalis playkit for Into the Blind

I got sick over the Christmas break, so I spent yesterday playing Signalis (again, without having finished it the first time. And without progressing any further than the first time) and all that really meant was along with the regular sickness now I got the Signalis sickness, so... uh...

8 Character Classes, 6 Adversaries, some extra rules to accommodate Replika pathos, all you need is the Free Rules of Into the Blind.

It's pretty rough, but I might come back to it later and polish it up (put it into layout, maybe add a location, maybe add some characters and gear), but maybe not! No promises!

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as a game dev, one of the hardest ideas i've ever had to grapple with was something someone said to me when i first started out. I said I wanted to make a game in ___ genre, and he said "If you are working in a genre, you need to know it. You need to be effectively a scholar in that particular thing."

and you know what? fuck that. that shit was wrong as hell and it's taken me this long to unlearn that idea. that one guy is the reason i've been crying myself to sleep about not being able to make my shmup because i can't even 1CC Zeroranger and how can i dare think of making a game i'm passionate about because i'm a poser loser who doesn't know anything about what i love

because like. there's no responsibility or no obligation to be The Truest Understander before you start. that's not true in anything I've ever done ever in my life. You learn by the process of doing, ya know? If you want to understand a genre, nothing helps you understand it more than trying to make one yourself, running into every pitfall and then going "okay how did the others solve this," then doing your research. if you wanna become a scholar, deconstructing specific elements is the best way to do it, and lemme tell you. there's NOTHING that makes you deconstruct specific elements quite like trying to make a game and having to ask yourself shit like "does 3.75 movespeed feel better than "3.725?"

obviously, know the genre decently, do your research eventually. otherwise you're just gonna be the asshole making Funny Ironic Dating Sim Visual Novel #5023712 and if you use my argument to defend yourself for doing so i'm going to seal your soul in a garfield rotary phone and throw it into a volcano

all i'm saying is that if you also feel the same way then i officially give you permission to start making a game even if you don't know shit. become a scholar through the act of doing it anyway

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I’m probably moving to Britain in the next year (Oxford) do you have any advice?

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My Doctor Emailed Me Back

This is the story of how the NHS asked me to be the face of their "new system" for trans health, and why I told them to shove it.

Exclusively on TransWrites:

Here's a quote:

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I recreated Da Vinci's "Lady with an Ermine" in the iPhone Notes app with my finger. Near the end the app just totally broke lmao. You can watch me lose my mind trying to make it over on youtube.

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Tibetan Mail Carrier

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I'm in this too!

New TTRPG bundle live on itch.io! Fuck Funko

If you'll recall on December 9th, Funko's AI-garbage powered third-party BrandShield software issued an automated fraudulent phishing report against Itch.io, taking the site down for several hours.

As indie creators are reliant on large platforms and storefronts like these, they have little recourse when they're taken down, missing out on critical income. The Fuck Funko bundle is a great way to support indie designers!