#just kill me now my life is complete
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growing up!
#FALLS TO THE FLOOR!!!!#so shocking news: the silver artbook actually killed me a little. this is the first finished pic ive made since#wow isnt it crazy that 26 completed illustrations would kinda take it outta ya. bananas. i need to Not do a full bg again for a minute#i had the stupid thought like 'oohhgh i could do a series of silver and lilia as hes growing up!!' im HITTING ME!!! NO MORE SERIES!!!#I CAN DO NON-RELATED PICS OF THAT IF I MUST!!! THE PRESSURE OF A SERIES IS TOO TIRING RN!!!!#my life is a whirlwind i JUST moved and now might need to move again bc the nepotism might work and id make a ton more#im trying to sell my house and its going very poorly. im doing well at work. ID HAFTA MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY AGAIN#ID BE BACK NOOOORTH id go to pennsylvania <3 im from new york so the thought of being closer to my mom is rly nice#and i have friends there both from high school and ohiiiio and new england etc etc!!!! YAY!!!#twst#twisted wonderland#twst silver#lilia vanrouge#suntails#did u miss this. be honest. when i vanish for months at a time do u miss the rambling life updates. theyre who i am
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two sides of the same coin
#itadori yuuji#ryomen sukuna#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#my art#jujutsu kaisen fanart#brainrot incoming (pls don’t mind me)#one thing sukuna and yuuji have in common is that they’re both absolutely miserable#sukuna is utterly selfish and yet it only made him hollow inside and now he’s just killing time waiting for death to come#yuuji is completely selfless and yet it’s only made him suffer and bc of that he’s been constantly trying to check out of life#and I think the funniest but also the most painful thing about these two is that…#despite that they’re vastly opposite they might be the only people that can understand each other the most#imagine them having a heart to heart lol maybe then they would realise some things about themselves
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↠ Tim & Lucy ↳ 5x04 - The Choice
#jesuis-assez edits: chenford#jesuis-assez edits: chenford season 5#jesuis-assez edits: chenford scenes 5x04#They were both hurting so much and longing for the other#the only way they could show how much the other meant to them in that very moment was through a look#Tim poured everything he felt in that look and Lucy mirrored it back just as deeply.#the way Lucy's eyes followed Tim down until she could no longer see him and even then her eyes lingered just a little more.#That's just how they are.#Showing their love through looks and actions#everything they couldn't voice in that moment they communicated with their eyes.#because Tim telling Lucy it's too dangerous was really him saying: I can't risk anything happening to you. I can't lose you.#I don't even have you now and it kills me to be apart from you.#I don't want to imagine what it'd be like without you. Without your presence in my life. And the thing is.. he already knows.#Before her... he's life was in shambles and she came and changed everything for him.#She's been this constant beacon of light and kindness in his life that continues to influence him for the better.#The love of his life.#Just one last look if it is the last thing I see. It'll be you. And your eyes. Your kindness. All that you are & all that you have given me#They held that look for as long as they possibly could before Tim went completely down. They dove into the ocean of each other's eyes#and found something there that was of equal measure.#an understanding of just how important they are to the other.#just how much love was conveyed in a single look of desperation.
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imagine...
...that some things have changed (including some marigold ventures?) and Atlas May is like uh oh both lackadaisy & i are doomed, but if i set up my own death maybe only i'll be doomed and lackadaisy might have to shutter but perhaps more so on involved people's terms, such as mitzi being fine financially, but also if she thinks it's her fault that'll be good for maintaining my posthumous Image to her, perhaps she did some defrauding again? and i'll have mordecai, my trusted & effective gunman, be the one to fatally shoot me, & of course he doesn't want to, but it's Mere Work Ethic time, what's he gonna do besides argue at all maybe, ultimately refuse? (no) and he may hate it but he's not going to want to fully turn on mitzi or anything after because then what would have been the point
#the power of images to incoherently posit my Ideas#can't be concise but Can frame this completely with What If Atlas Did This Thing#if i start with ''so mordecai killed atlas'' there's no time to be like ''not cuz he wanted to; yeah no he wouldn't betray him;'' etc#but see: my tag:#mitzi and mordecai murder mystery#lackadaisy#mitzi may#mordecai heller#i bet that horatio absolutely did not ever do that. chaisis is trying to be a play on crisis btw#bristling fugue moments? don't try to verify it#for the life of me i couldn't find that one specific edit that ends with the ''I Want To Dream....'' dialogue doesn't it lmao. nevertheless#kind of what i meant to make when i ended up drawing Lackabowling & mordico. nicodecai. mordenico. you understand#not sure anyone can understand i'm trying to convey ''if mordecai had to noscope atlas (from afar i bet) a second would pass Very Slowly#from his perspective. how useful if he even has clock sound effect leitmotifs established'' or anything else. have fun be yourself. Post!#corned beef#(ha only now do i remember ''that's completely ambiguous whether it's a second or minute hand'' zoinks#oh well: A Second Feels Like Fifteenish or Mordecai Is Just Standing There Emoji For A Full Minute....either way i guess)
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brought myself to tears thinking about luo binghe and his loneliness. during all the worst times of his life, he was alone. when his mother died, he had no one. when he was being abused on qing jing, he had ning yingying but there wasn't much she could do for him. in the abyss, he was alone. when he was grieving sqq for five years, he had subordinates but he didn't have anyone to hold him and comfort him
and it's that loneliness and isolation that xin mo capitalizes on. those feelings of loneliness and isolation make his self esteem worse and his emotional state more unstable, because deep down is a miserable and lonely child that wants to be held and comforted and love
luckily for him, all shen qingqiu wants is to hold him and comfort him and make him feel loved! I think post-canon, they'll spend a long time confronting those wounds left by loneliness, except now instead of having to bear it alone, sqq will be there to hold him in his arms and tell him I'm sorry you were hurting, I'm sorry you were alone, you never should have gone through that. and there's the promise that he won't ever have to be alone again because that's the promise sqq made to him. from now on, wherever binghe goes, shen qingqiu will follow
#svsss#bingqiu#AUGH!!#coughs up blood. i feel normal about them.#i think maybe this is on my mind bc me and my therapist have been talking about loneliness and nurturing your inner child#BUT NEVER MIND THAT. let's focus on luo binghe here#i think there's also something to be said about how those worst moments in his life were made worse#by the people who should've been comforting him. whether intentionally or not#his mother was the only person who loved him in his life and then she died#ning yingying liked him and was sweet to him and she was probably the only bright spot on qing jing to him#but she also inadvertently made his abuse worse at times#after transmigrating sqq was a huge source of comfort and love and security for him#only for that to be completely ripped away when sqq pushed him into the abyss#and then later grieving sqq's death because sqq killed himself in binghe's arms and explicitly said it was for binghe's sake#no wonder binghe's emotional state is all fucked!#but i believe in bingqiu's ability to heal those wounds post-canon#binghe is so hungry for comfort#and since DAY ONE sqq has wanted to provide that comfort#it was always just outside circumstances that made it difficult for him to provide#but now those outside circumstances are gone. he can cradle binghe in his arms and pet his hair and tell him he's loved as often as he want
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O_O!!! OMG YESSSSSS!!!!! AMAZING JUST PERFECT
99 for the kiss ask, babyyy!! ;)
(99. Kisses that burn; hands in their hair, on their waist, their hips, their neck, their shoulders, their arms, under their shirt because they need to feel every inch of them under their palms)
When he spins her, her back smacks into the bricks, and they're cold. She barely has time to register the impact before he's kissing her again: coaxing her lips apart in more of a demand than a request, licking his way between her teeth to lay claim to the resulting gasp. His hands find her shoulders and her arms, trail their way down her waist and slide around to her lower back. He hauls her up, higher, gets her balanced by angling her against the stones with one hip, and all she can do is kiss him back, groan against his mouth, close her eyes as his tongue sweeps across—
A high-pitched shriek from the room beyond, the sound of a fiend summoning its untamed magic. Magus growls against the corner of her mouth, and it reverberates through her jaw. "Your merry band of misfits has come to rescue you."
"They don't know I'm here," Marle whispers, even while tilting her head to seek out one last crash, one last brand—one last kiss.
A crash, and then the warbling death whimper of likely the same creature. Magus pulls back, leaving her bereft of the warmth. "It seems, my dear, that they do."
#this was so HOT#and the fact that marle is there in secret?#just kill me now my life is complete#chrono trigger#marle#magus#marle/magus
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I think rye thinks it's incredibly adorable of davrin to be worried about him after the accidental hallucination tea experiment. that stoic option 'you know, I lived a whole life before you' contains a world of 'davrin, I'm a mourn watcher with a severely misspent youth behind me. I've been stratospherically high on things you couldn't and probably wouldn't want to imagine, this is barely a tickle'. to me.
#also I think a 'haha oh no TOO close back off pls' moment even at that point. do not care for me like that it freaks me out!#i amn uncomfortable when we are about me actually (and you are smart and also tenacious enough that you'll realize that#and follow up on it. because you're an *asshole* who never lets me get away with *anything*. you'll just keep pestering me#until I have to throw my hands up in defeat and let someone perceive me and care about me. total horror show.#can't have this be happening to me right now I'm putting off having a personal and spiritual crisis until 5 minutes before I die)#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#davrin#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#their relationship. it is everything to me. the mutual 'hey punk you ever consider that there are people who love you. asshole'#'well I GUESS that *groan* my life has been infinitely enriched by your presence in it even though you're kind of a dick. there happy now'#'yeah I love and treasure you like a brother. a very annoying brother. what of it. wait you need help??? I'm here who do we kill'#and then you add lucanis' energy in there as well and you see why this is the best beloved boys squad to ever do it#also so sweet how much it's davrin opening up and showing vulnerability and uncertainty that's helped them get there the most#rye stays almost completely sober these days b/c his late teens and early twenties were uh. they got kind of rough!#so the rare times he drinks he's cautiously very very restrained about it. we simply cannot have student days shenanigans rye back.#we cannot. he barely survived being student days shenanigans rye the first time around let's not tempt fate#but in his time I think he's sampled some of that weird bottled fog stuff emmrich implies you can get some kind of high from#and then some lol#rye '*is* it drinking alone in the depths of the necropolis if the skeletons walking by give you friendly nods tho' ingellvar
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only bad thing about being in a fandom where one of the characters canonically has wings is the painful lack of classic wingfic. where is my everything's the same but people have bird wings watford au where one day baz notices simon hasn't been grooming his wings bc of an injury to his ribs so he sits on his bed and makes a whole fuss about how "i'm not doing this to be nice, snow, your wings are just a travesty to look at" and then proceeds to carefully and lovingly tidy his feathers in drawn out silence while they both pretend grooming someone else's wings isn't one of the most intimate things you can do for another person. will this heartbreak never end
#i have an old wingfic that never left the zero draft stage and it was suuuper fucking plotty#simon was still the chosen one in it but not in a weird sex magic kinda way like he was just home grown like that so no humdrum#so lucy is alive and he grew up with her and the mage (and they have a dog!) (simon named her ''little simon'' lmfao)#meanwhile baz isn't a vampire but natasha still died when he was five bc ok i don't know how to explain the lore behind this#bc it has to do with a skeevy blackmarket trade involving human wings like it was kinda dark ngl#but the long and short of it is that baz and tasha are kidnapped and tasha is killed keeping baz safe but baz's wings are damaged#pretty severely and so one of them never grows to full size and it leaves him flightless#n e way simon and baz don't get on bc the mage is still the mage and the old families are still the old families#but they are roommates as usual#and half-term their eighth year pitch manor is raided by blackmarket poachers and mordelia is kidnapped and the whole grimm family is#in shambles so baz goes right to simon about it and there's this reverse of the simon-showing-up-at-baz's-door scene#where baz shows up at simon's door a complete WRECK to ask for help getting his sister back#and simon is like. why are you asking ME for help?#and baz is like. bc you're the only one i know who can#and then they fucking steal one of the mage's cars and hit the road [so good right now by fall out boy starts playing]#and then it's just kind of a normal mission fic about them finding mordelia and saving her life and baz falls out a very high window#and simon catches him etc.#i love wingfics so much#sighs wistfully#i think i need to be alone w my gdocu for while#valen and the void
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ooooooh my god i need some fucking joy i need some fucking joy NOW
#literally nothing is bringing me enjoyment right now NOTHINGGGG#(yes i know its the depression. whatever.)#i havent played bg in like three weeks. not even enjoying that anymore either#and i CANT FUCKING WRITE!!!!!#I'm so exhausted all the time I'm so bored I'm so lonely#and yeah I'm reading more lately which is great but I'm hardly enjoying myself I just#im so fucking bored im sick of killing myself to complete job applications just to hear nothing back im so. so tired#whatever!!!!! life sucks and then you die#pretty sure my birth control is gonna kill me anyway so whooo caresssss#idk what this post is about#tbd
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#i think getting nearly firecracker-bombed the other evening affected me more than i realized at the time#because this has been by far the worst new year's ever for me#in the past i was never more than mildly annoyed by it and even enjoyed the midnight fireworks climax#but i think i might have actually gotten a bit traumatized by that experience two days ago#and hadn't acknowledged it to myself / processed it. as today/tonight has demonstrated#it's past 3 a.m. now and i'm still crying too hard to sleep#and my whole body has been shaky for the past... 10 hours. or so.#even though the fireworks at midnight weren't really that bad at all#not even close to being as terrifying as the three explosions earlier this evening#which in their turn were easily outdone by the street explosion on saturday night that deafened me#i think i may be having a legit delayed trauma response to that now#re-triggered every time a firework goes off near me#i've never been someone who feels much fear#i feel stress and anger and discomfort and i worry and overthink sometimes#i've done a lot of things in my life while thinking 'well. this might be about to kill me. but we all die someday'#and never till this weekend did i feel terror on this level#(a technically unjustified terror too. bc inside my flat i'm almost 100% safe. so that again suggests a trauma response)#i don't think i've ever cried from sheer fear for my safety before#and every post i see saying 'happy new year' makes me feel sick bc it reminds me of this horrible weekend#it's wild how my lifelong feelings about fireworks could change so completely in the course of just three days#for the first time in my life i feel the need for one of those drugs that blunts your emotions and helps relax you#what is that... xanax or something like that? how do you get it? do you need a prescription?#i feel like a doctor would just scoff if i told them that NYE fireworks traumatized me so bad i need medication now#i've been trembling for hours. i'm so tired. i wish i could sleep#*three days ago
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This song injures me like no other. Augh
#maybe it’s the memories and old feelings I have associated with it#or maybe it’s the story. or the lyrics. or the hauntingness of it all#idk it’s just like. the pictures of his loved ones he drew on the walls of the cave had finally faded??? FUCK?????#every Grandaddy song about space.. hoo boy#FARE THEE NOT WELL MUTINEER…#Miner at the Dial-a-View also.. it kills me so bad#sorry it’s well past 10 pm so my emotions are a little Silly#thinkin about life and creativity and stuff#and also THE SCI-FI SHORT STORY SERIES I PLANNED BASED AROUND THE AFOREMENTIONED SONGS? THAT I JUST? COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT UNTIL NOW?#I’m checking my Notes app and I have notes on it dating back to high school. omg#chunes
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yakuza 0 majima they could never make me hate you
#HE WAS JUST A LITTLE GUY BACK THEN. HE WAS JUST A DEPRESSED DESPERATE LITTLE GUY#WHO CAME FRESH OUT OF HELL AND WAS FRANKLY STILL KINDA LIVING IN IT#BUT ALSO STILL DIDN'T QUITE KNOW JUST WHAT OTHER HORRORS THE YAKUZA LIFE HELD IN STORE FOR HIM#he tells himself that he's willing to do his first hit out of some blind and desperate devotion to his kyoudai who he “failed”#and while i think the sprinklings of majima being Goofy and Stupid while initially trying to perform the hit on makoto are comedy Gold#it also shows how his ass really had No clue what he was doing#bro goes into the place yelling like a fucking idiot and falls asleep right in the target's territory. literally dumbest ass mistakes#and spends the last third of the chapter completely confused and out of the loop and stuck with his Actual target not knowing what to do#and while it's funny as hell it just goes to show how inexperienced he really was.and throughout the game you see how soft he still rlly wa#which just hurts more when you consider how he was so easily manipulated by shimano the entire time. Augh#oh y0 majima you didn't deserve any of that my guy you should've been at the fucking CLUB. Not as the manager though#deadass in the end cutscenes when they paralleled the cutscenes of kiryu and majima on the verge of killing someone for the first time#i really thought they'd do a thing where while kiryu was stopped at the last second by nishiki majima would actually go through it#but the fact that he Also didn't go through with it. while it was shocking and cool as hell at first now it just makes me Sad#he still has those soft bits in him. but after what happened and now that he's shimano's right hand man#he has to wrap them up and keep them somewhere far away. he can't be soft he's a full-fledged yakuza#who performs hits and does dirty work and above all else is loyal to the family and gives his life to his boss#and above even that he's shimano's weapon. he's shimano's Dog. sigh
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i have 2 interviews on monday so im gonna try to just eat so much tomorrow that i literally die
#one is the one from today that i did in fact reschedule bc tbh i don’t want that job and i was so not ready for the interview#bc from the phone interview last week the recruiter was like yeah you’re gonna want to know like the history of the company for the next#interview and reallllly have good star answers and i was like lol ok just kill me#so i wasnt ready and that’s fine now it’s on monday BUT today i got an email for another phone interview from a job that i reeeeeeally want#actually it’s like exactly what i do now but actual hourly pay and benefits which is all i’m looking for#AND it’s 100% remote anywhere whereas the first one which is the finance job that i know nothing about#finance but they have an office in the city i used to live in which is like idk 45 minutes away and is also the city i’m planning to#move back to anyway once i can get the fuck out from under my familys roof#but training is 7 months in office so if i get tht i absolutely have to move bc i will not be driving that for 7 months but if i move it’s#whatever but anyways the second job which is for copy editing which my ultimate goal anyway is to be an editor so this would be sooo good#and such good experience for me and my resume!!! and it’s 100% remote like i said and NO PHONES#the other job is a complete customer service job but i need all these finra licenses and shit and i’m like ok. how am i even supposed to#pass those anyway#but anyways. it’s obvious which job i want but i’m going to go to both interviews just to keep my options open bc i can’t be stupid about#this bc now that student debt forgiveness is completely off the table. lol forever. i’m going to have to start paying that#so anyways. my life is so stressful rn but at least things are starting to come together at least in the job department#well hopefully anyway like watch me get rejected for both 💀
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I opened up about my body image issues and people called me a horrible person, told me I'm invalidating people with eds and that I'm body shaming people? God what the fuck? Ive got no fucking support system in real life and the Internet just hates me I guess.
#every waking moment of my life for three years was spent making sure other people had a person to vent to#but i can't vent to anyone#well ive got one person who wont even read my fucking text messages so i could say anything but i need someone to know#i need someone to say ill be okay. i need someone to be the person i was.#and nobody does that for me#ive got one person who cant even answer a ask on tumblr. honestly fuck you. i hope youre reading this. i spent so many nights awake making#sure you felt seen and you were okay. i gave up so much of my time to always be there for you. but you cant even respond “haha” to a stupid#joke? i get social interaction is hard. i get it. but this isnt. all you have to fucking do is open an ask. skim it for an idea of the vibe#and type haha or aw im sorry or smthing. its so easy. you know i have crippling anxiety. shit like this brings back trauma. it sends me into#a really bad panic attack. you suck. i hate to say that. cause you dont. you are genuinely a good person but you hate yourself so much that#youre actually trying to be a bad person#nothing you ever do will make me hate you but i sure am mad. me and A spent a few hours talking about how much we were worried about you#he doesn't have tumblr. when he found out you havent been messaging me he thought you killed yourself. for him its complete radio silence#just say something. like one of my posts. you dont have to do much. just do the bare minimum so i know you dont hate me.#cause if you dont hate me right now you really suck. really do. and if you do hate me please communicate that with me so i can fix myself
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i've been thinking about simon heap a Lot during this reread
#septimus heap#simon heap#he's. hm#he's just trying to survive and also. he is Barely an adult#like does that excuse his actions??? not at all#but i do think the fact that he was able to LEAVE the darke behind him was kind of amazing#cause everyone else seems completely consumed by it#like. he Chose to turn his back on it#partly cause his silly little plan failed and his master died and he had no other options really#idk#like septimus's deep mistrust of him is SO SO SO valid#because marica is far too forgiving for her own good#but also i don't mind his redemption arc as much as i did the first time i read it#cause the first time i read the books i was like nine and so annoyed that he tried to KILL his brother#KIDNAPPED his sister#and was just an all around asshole just because he didn't get an apprenticeship he felt entitled to#but also#i've spent most of my life Wanting things and have been lucky enough to get most of them#and usually if i don't get something i very quickly find a new target#but i get simon better now. if i wanted something Badly enough and a little kid got it over me. maybe turn into a villain too#maybe#anyways i'm excited to see him in todhunter moon
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Guys I have great news
I FUCKING GOT HIM !!!!!!!
ofc middle of top shelf for my bby girl it's what he deserves
Also lil fun fact about getting it - obviously it came from Spain but I live in Australia where anything from overseas takes months unless you sell a kidney to pay for express or priority BUT somehow this fucking game managed to make it here in exactly one week on standard international postage ??????? How?????? Do things just go faster in general if it's Nando related?? I feel like that's some kinda curse he'd participate in
#now i just have to locate the 05 edition and my life will be completed 😌#his little smirk is killing me please nando if youre gonna look at me like that at least fuck m-#cant wait to explain to my friends and family why that game is on a shelf instead of my tv cabinet with every other game i own 🫤#shelf reveal lol#f1#fernando alonso#fa14#formula 1
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