#just a few minutes each probably
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
the urge to make a series the urge to make a series the urge to make a serie
#ive been planning#scheming#i have several stories i could choose from#to make a series out of#obviously it would be suuuper short#and simple#like im not talking 20 minute episodes#just a few minutes each probably#im not insane enough for that Yet
101 notes
·
View notes
Text
feelin kinda sad so eating an obscene amount of pasta
#YukiPri rambles#it's nothing serious#just have had a stream of unfortunate disappointments#nothing major and each time i'm like well ok that could have been worse and i'm glad it wasn't#but the cumulative result is just me kinda feeling droopy inside despite trying to continue lookin chipper outside#'wilted' i think is best descriptor for me rn#trying to tell myself that retail therapy isn't the answer here#In case folks are curious#the disappointments are:#1) dad was in a car accident and no one was hurt but gave me a huge scare#2) was given a day off at work in exchange for working a weekend and was looking forward to both#but they asked me last minute nevermind come in instead and i had to cancel all the plans i'd made and couldn't reschedule#3) movie i wanted to see on said day off is no longer playing in local theaters so it's either convince mum to drive an hour or give up#4) had an afternoon tea planned with mum and her friends and was looking forward to it for a month and only eating out this month#had reservations and outfit picked out and everything#but then a few days before landlord scheduled repairs for that day and wouldn't listen when we said we had plans#so i stayed home so mum could go and i'm glad she could go but sad#5) went to work this morning and there'd been a flood in the office from a customer leaving the bathroom sink running#and the torrent of water came down on my desk specifically ruining all of my books/personal stuff#i got reimbursed but it's just really sad bc some of those things were free/gifts that i can't get back and i hate throwing out books#especially ones i never got to read but they were completely drenched through and unsalvageable...#6) had an outing planned this weekend i was really looking forward to but we probably can't go bc weather is bad#i think there were a few others but that's most of the big ones#i am wilted and just want to curl up and not move
104 notes
·
View notes
Text
Rejecting Lae'zel: yeah sorry not interested in you tasting my flesh lol- yeah you can go fuck astarion instead i don't care Rejecting Astarion: Say please.... ha, yeah, it's still a no, but that was funny, anyway... Rejecting Shadowheart: *didn't even realize i did it* Rejecting Gale, Wyll, or Karlach: Oh god, oh god, oh no I'm so so so so so so sorry, I, I really hope I didn't like lead you on- please don't look at me with those eyes, please, oh no, I'm so sorry I'm just doing a different romance right now, I still care about you so so so so so so so much, I'm sorry I'm just a terrible person, I'll be flaying myself alive tonight in penance, I'm so sorry-
#baldurs gate 3#bg3#gale dekarios#karlach cliffgate#wyll ravengard#to be clear this is not any hate to the other three this is just genuinely my experience each time#probably just because laezel and astarion start off approaching it as just sex so i don't feel bad just being like no i don't wanna fuck lo#and shadowheart unless you have the wine night with her at the party genuinely just does no come across as trying to romance you imo#i did feel bad the one time i did wine night with her and then did reject her after#i literally have the game paused rn to avoid rejecting karlach for a few more minutes#also this is probably a little disingenuous because i've never rejected gale i always romance him BUT STILL
339 notes
·
View notes
Text
Little bright colored outfit with a fun vest ~
(shoes from ebay like 10 years ago. everything else is thrifted)
#ootd#jfashion#fashion#fantasy fashion#mori kei#....like... adjacent... lol#no idea what style this would be lol.. makes me think of like whimsical vaguely fantasy themed childrens book character#finally posting one of my aforementioned seven million drafts of actual outfits and costumes i have finished and edited#the photos for but just never feel like posting lol..#I need to find one of those people whos like 'omg i am ADDICTED to social media ugh i wish i could get off of it#im just browsing and posting like 60 times a daaaaay!!!' and take a little magical bottle and suck some of the social media#enthusiasim out of them. for moi. In exchange they can have some of my 'literally just never in the mood to post or interact with the#outside world ever' energy. We can balance each other. huzzah and so on#Though I think maybe it's part of the general thing I've heard of like.. I can't remember if it was in reference to adhd or just some sort#of general execcutive functioning issue type of thing - but the idea that things have to be ''just right'' before you do something. like#'oh i need to do this task. but i have to wait until XYZ first' or 'oh i can do this but only if X specific condition is met' or etc#The fact that I even have to be in a Specific Mindset to post. or sometimes will delay posting on social media because like 'oh well#I'm going somewhere tomorrow. somehow this matters. i cannot spend 5 minuts posting TONIGHT. clearly it will interfere#somehow schedule wise with the doctor appointment i have 15 hours from now. yes. yes. i must wait until my appointment is over#tomorrow afternoon. THEN i shall post' or etc. etc. lol. NOT even taking into account the many days#I just genuinely and physically sick and it's not even a mental thing. I just physically dont feel like sitting at the computer lol..#ANYWAY.. trying to get back into it. trying to get a business bank account.. make a proper paypal so i can start selling sculptures again.#selling clothes and sculptures.. posting about such things then of course as one must. etc... chanting to hype up and motivate myself lol#But yes. this is my favorite outfit out of the bunch so I am posting it first I guess.. maybe others later..#Also the purple dress says its from shein. which I've heard is bad fast fashion stuff. but maybe okay since its second hand? I havent#been to the bins since like 2020 or late 2019 even. and I think stuff like shein and temu has only become poular in the past few years#but I bet if I went to the bins now I might would find a good handfull of that stuff. Probably now not much different than what you#find in a walmart or a forever 21 or actual physical stores you can go to though. I hear quality of clothing is down everywhere no matter#where you get it or whatnot. What bountiful joys unfettered capitalism and exploitation bestows upon us (<being sarcastic).#Wearing one of my favorite little vests though. I love the texture of it and the clasps on it
143 notes
·
View notes
Text
Nick himself said that his knowledge is confined to the leaks prior to s4, the s4 scripts from his verified source (likely within a source) and basic knowledge most fans paying attention have been able to formulate about s5 based on what has been released officially/unofficially, trends from Netflix and common sense.
He is saying based on all that, he doesn’t think byler is happening.
And if we think back to what the Duffers themselves shared in the 4x09 script, it literally implies Mike’s monologue worked, and that it was entirely genuine. This tells me that the script the Duffers released for Emmy consideration, is not that far off from what Nick saw for himself.
I think it’s likely Nick got something that the average below the line worker might manage to get their hands on if they tried hard enough. A copy they know they have to water-down to prevent these very situations from happening.
Unfortunately for the Duffers, it just so happens that they didn’t scrub their watered down copy hard enough.
Unfortunately for Nick, he admitted that it’s possible and even likely that the production will release things that aren’t exactly accurate with the sole purpose to lead fans sleuthing astray, without realizing it may have ironically already happened to him.
#byler#stranger things#8flix#it would take an eternity to cover everything about scriptgate properly#there are just so many aspects of it that are unknown or are known but just not thoroughly understood bc 8flix has existed for some time#even prior to that fateful dry summer back in 2022#and including scripts beyond just st which made 8flix seen as a reputable source for scripts across the board#personally i've found myself back and forth on it#was nick sus for telling fans a script was dropping hour by hour and then going radio silent for days only to not release a script at all?#yes (and all while using the loophole argument that technically people donated to 8flix and got a complementary script with that donation)#were the st writers fishy for saying they'd release a script for a scene but would then need at least 2 business days to post each one?#also yes#are we really doubting that they have secrets in their scripts that they have to remove/shift a bit for the generic all-access version?#if so.. why?#I think very few people see the version of the script that the duffers have#shawn likely has it plus his own notes with it bc he also contributes ideas and runs it by the bros for his episodes and more bc he's an EP#maybe other key-players with that sort of control over the production could have more honest scripts i.e. the writers room#outside of that you have the main cast who MIGHT get those scripts + additional notes on their characters as discussed separately one on on#but beyond that scripts are meant to be vague#it's supposed to be 1 minute of screentime = 1 page of script#quite frankly multiple versions of the scripts exist and we're getting the barest of them all... minus a few slips here and there...#I could go on forever but i wont for my sanity bc the reality is we don't know for sure what happened and we probably never will#i'm more interested in seeing how this all pans out#nick has come out for vindication at least once this summer and last summer since 2022#i'm getting hefty slap on the wrist vibes here which if anything just makes this all so much more insane bc i mean... the implications?...#is it giving bad blood? is it giving enemies to lovers?#maybe nick will give us more vague hints when the next dry summer rolls around
39 notes
·
View notes
Text
does anyone else see hellcheer having the same codependent unhealthy weirdly intimate almost toxic relationship that's usually reserved for stobin or is that seriously just me
#hellcheer#stobin#like i get steve and robin love each other but imo y'all got it backwards!!#robin has a touch aversion and would never dream of seeing steve's dick#meanwhile eddie and chrissy sleep in the same bed shower together can't go ten minutes without being fused together etc!!!#he knows when her period is and what her comfort foods are during it and will rub her tummy or just lay with her if she can't get out of be#but steve's like oh you're bleeding? means you're probably gonna be a bitch to me these next few days imma head out#idk it just makes sense to me hellcheer would be closer#because of eddie's interest in otherworldly shit and chrissy's connection to vecna
19 notes
·
View notes
Text
pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
the apartmentverse urge to make the assassins weird immortals due to interacting with the apple who all survive to the modern day and have to Deal with mundane things like public transport…
#they should have a support group about it#ezio would start it. im not sure how high attendance is. probably not very high or consistent.#but like they do have it. technically. they can find the few others who understand what the price of interacting with the pieces of eden was#they’re probably much more The Old Guard than apartmentverse technically but i do need to make altaïr and ezio just hang out. maybe go#through a mcdonalds drive through together. get some mcnuggets.#still covered in blood but it’s dark out so the employees don’t see as they hand their food off. and they climb on top of a warehouse to eat#together. i don’t think they’re… friends? in the way you’d think of friends normally but its more like. when you go to primary school with#someone and they become your friend because you have such a limited pool of options but they’re your friend for life because of that shared#experience. ezio & altaïr are that but for being forced into immortality when they both wish they could have left this fight a long long#time ago and now everyone else they’ve known and loved are gone and they’ve even lost track of their descendants because well. after a while#there’s just… so many.#the other assassins should go through this too. i genuineky dont remember if bayek found any eden artifacts but i like him so he should be#around. and maybe his wife. evie & jacob of course. and the ac3 protag i havent met yet.#also that pirate guy. i played ac4 for five minutes ten years ago but im claiming him he should be around#the point is. when you’ve been around this long. all the other disagreements pale in comparison to that shared weight.#and the point of THAT is. if the templars ever found out about this and kidnapped one of their group. suddenly like a dozen assassins with#hundreds of years of experience each descend on them to free their friend.#they may not be able to dismantle the templars completely even working together. but they can sure as hell protect what’s theirs.#the other point of this is desmond getting accepted into this weird little group.#they’re not *not* also a cult to be fair but-#ohhhhhh thinks about 16 year old fresh runaway desmond on ezio’s couch (he likes having his own place. so sue him. altaïr’s the one opposed#to settling down. like it’ll come back to bite him to choose a home. (and ezio’s in denial that having a home will always one day mean#leaving it.)) and *anyway* teenage desmond fresh off the farm and months without a home. probably *not* agreeing to be brought home with#ezio per say. and altaïr is there because ezio kidnapping children is *weird* and maybe altaïr is not technically the oldest assassin but#he sure does seem to take responsibility for all their actions like he is. anyway. he questions ezio. and all ezio has to say in his defense#is. is. ‘look at him.’#and for now. before they know *who* desmond is. for now he has a spot on ezio’s couch because he looks so much like a younger altaïr.#the end of the world and all the prophecy can come later and desmond *probably* gave ezio a fake name so he can also freak out when they#learn that little detail as well. BUT. but. you get it#ive rambled on too much here
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
g*lmar rly has to be the best skajrim character on the real like even if you don't like him he just is . literally The best one i think......... on dat note i also imagine that he and ulfr*c despite being fairydust BFFs for lyfe genuinely have the worst communication skills ever seen
#text#but i already talked about how g*lmar is weird about ulfr*c anyways#literally jubilant and feeling special cus he's the only person ulfr*c actually trusts and speaks to outside of formal conversations#he's a very manly man too (like N*loth) for wanting to just control everything... well actually having ulfr*c under 'control' is enough 4 -#- him. unlike n*loth who wants to be above everything that moves. literally not about him tho#i hope that other st*rmcloaks develop a habit of going to hide downstairs in the palace whenever they can tell the vibe between -#- g*lmar and ulfr*c is off because they're gonna be yelling at each other and throwing shit around for 40 minutes in a few seconds#i don't believe they'd fight insanely often but being at an active war probably gets them heated more. Often than usual; and their -#- conflicts are never resolved. i feel like they just don't talk to each other for a good 2 days and act like nothing happened#they're way too manly and prideful to actually let the other one 'win' so they just don't say anything ever post-arguing#Tbhs g*lmar actually really likes that ulfr*c is so unstable and harrowed because it makes himself feel very good and reliable -#- but he has his limits 😂LMFAOO i bet sometimes he gets really tired of him being so traumatized. very rarely but he does think about it#i'll have to desribe that a bit better later tho... don't know how to word it atm#but maybe he wants to punch him or something BYE. no...... 💔savage as hell#he likes it in a very general sense of ulfr*c's personality especially between them but doesn't like it when it causes them to clash#this might just be mostly ulfr*c's doing cus i doubt he's actually talkative about his past issues and Troubles (torture mayhem) and -#- can't communicate anything about it or set boundaries when needed. he just gets mad or very avoidant. No fixing that tho#well it's just shameful to him so he'd rather do nothing than even admit anything to anyone Everrrrr#why does his life suck so bad LMFAOOOOOOOOO#their nasty musty mutualism .. leeching off your traumatized Bff so that he can make you feel good by saying he needs you in particular#while U pay him back with some support.......SOME#Oh well#that zero communication between some sk*rim characters looks yammy as fuck to me. A;lways. ALWAYS#nelvas is power dynamic induced...... g*lmar&&ulfr*c trauma-caused... elituli Um😂 t*llius doesn't even know any hobbies she has#bye this is why they're serving so hard
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
Rewatching the crown and oh wow, I forgot how good this show is
#i went on a 15 minute rant to my poor mother after finishing the first 2 episodes and i held back SO MUCH#seriously. i could pick this show apart frame by frame and have something to say about each one of them#it's just!!!! SO good#the storytelling (in *every* area!! acting. writing. cinematography. music. i can go on!)#anyway if you hear less from me these next few weeks i'm probably busy meticulously picking apart scenes from the crown in my mind#because oh. my god#i can't#(also- rewatching this i remembered how much the crown taught me about storytelling?? i distinctly recall taking lots of mental notes#about how to say things without *saying* them when s1 first aired. because it's a masterclass in showing instead of telling!!)#even the dialogue shows rather than tells in a lot of instances#i'l shut up now but AAAAA#autism reactivated shfjdj#i forgot i was fixated on this for a good few months every year or so between the ages of 14 & 18 lol#and for good reason holy shit#alys.txt#the crown#<- probably best if i make a tag
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
They should've had Vi and J/nx at least try to register where Ekk/o was at in all that mess.
#'there was no time!!' well#that's a netf/x probleM; it only made since for them to try and take care of each other; ekko was in that place BECAUSE he was trying to#sense*** (i swear i know how to spell lmao)#help jnx; one thing that irks me about the writing is how one sided they can be with relationships sometimes....#well it's is a netf/ix and writers problem probably#but idk man; he did a lot for those two sisters and i feel like we just needed a Glimpse of it beinf returned#'it was implied!!' idC; i want to see it even if it is just a few seconds 😤#tbh i haven't watched in a minute so maybe they did and i just didn't see it idk#I'm just saying like 1 more ep or even like 15 more minutes to the finale would've done wonders
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
If The Core Division Three Members Had Gaming Channels...
Kafka Hibino {A.K.A ComfyManGaming}: Mainly Shop Management Sims or just Sims in general. His most popular series and the one that let him go full time as a content creator was his Power Wash sim Story Time where he got to talk about the craziest things that happened to him in his, like, six different cleaning jobs. ( In order; Landscaper, personal maid service, High rise window washer [tied for origin for most of his craziest stories], Nuclear Power Plant Office janitor, Failed attempt at running his own power wash service, and School Janitor with a car detail side job. {Most recent/longest held job/and also tied for craziest story origin generator with Car Detail Horror stories being second). Can be convinced to play atmospheric games like Journey/Abzu/Fire Watch/Anything thought provoking or emotional.
Reno Ihchikawa{A.K.A IchyChill Breakdowns}: Whatever Windette does, but with less insults. Basically Build Breakdowns and Speedrun Tutorials. Carried with the energy of a tired Indian Math teacher trying to teach calculus to 8th graders. Is also [technically] a PNG tuber, but because he's low energy, the PNG doesn't move much.
Iharu Haruichi {A.K.A SharkBAIT}: Two Channels. One is a horror game channel, Both Indi and Triple A. The other is anything casual, but mainly sticks to Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing, Coral Island, that sort of thing. Fans like to call the Horror one Anxiety and the non-horror one Anti-Anxiety(Each have their own mascots and like to fight each other like Jacksepticeye and Antisepticeye). He has absolutely accidentally cross posted horror vids onto the non horror channel and vice-versa. The community like to pretend that they don't interact with the other channels and when that sort of thing happens, they pretend they've been exposed to horrors beyond comprehension. (yes, even when the horror channel gets a cutesy vid)
Mina Ashiro{ A.K.A Can(n)onGodess/Pr3ttyW1ttl3K1tty}: Also Two channels, but actively makes sure that no one knows she runs both. One is a live stream of FPS set up as no-commentary/with camera (Mainly colorful ones like Valorant). The other is also no commentary with NO camera and its Sim 3 or 4 tips-and-tricks and Minecraft Aesthetic House Build (Mod and No Mod.)
Kikrou Shinomya:{A.K.A Can_It_Doom?} A STEM major that couldn't find a use for her degree as fast as she liked, so she started a Can it Run Doom? channel as a joke, and now it's evolved into a channel where people recommend different setups like Drumset Controler on a Texas TI-84 Graphing Calculator. (Is also currently in the middle of working on a live action Tank Setup for World of Tanks as a subscriber goal.)
Hoshina Soshiro{A.K.A SwordSingerSUPREME} Any game that involves sword fighting and critiques it either Accurately or HARSHLY. Also streams his HEMA training/tournaments. It's very popular (because everyone find him hot) and has since become a bit of an eclectic channel that is split between his Gaming vids, his HEMA vids, and P.O Box unboxing vids where people send him A LOT of gifts. There's also an over an hour video of him playing Let's Hit Each Other With Fake Swords the Card Game with his older brother (who is also in HEMA.) that he made when the channel hit 5 million subscribers.
✨Bonus✨
Gen Narumi{A.K.A xXGenNarumi420Xx}: Plays anything that's currently trending, but his bread and butter is FPS or Run and Guns. (Has confessed to saying "Would" to the Ultrakill Robot.)
Okonogi Konomi{A.K.A BlossomBear}: Indi VTuber that plays exclusively Indi Puzzle games or Puzzle Platformers. Isn't a singing VTuber so much as one that can and will go in-depth on programming and what goes into a VTube model (She made hers and it has two forms : a chibi, curly white haired, anthro bear girl and a white plushi version with orange blossom motifs.) Can and has demonstrated to be an absolute GOD at Minesweeper
Minase{A.K.A MinAction}: A anime/movie/Western Animation reaction channel. Has an uncanny habit of predicting things before they should be obvious.
Hakua{A.K.A HakuaKooksXP} A cooking channel whose shtick is 1000 Ways To Prepare [Insert Food Here.]. She's still currently working her way through rice.
Haruichi Izumo {Goes by his name} Various product review channel.
Aoi Kaguragi {Also goes by his name} A very well made workout channel.
#Kafka held two school janitor positions. One in an elementary and the other in a University.#He gained some internet fame before his channel existed when he interrupted a group of kids Livestreaming Pokemon in the public bathroom#They were stuck on a boss when Kafka came in.#He then proceeded to decimate the boss with the same setup the group was considering tossing out for being to underpowered.#Was friends with Mina in elementary. Passed by an advertisement that said she would be showing up at a convention and decided to stop by.#This was before his channel took off. They found it ironic they became professional gamers now.#He runs a plus sized friendly merch store with a couple novelty items.#One subscriber sent Hoshina a 4XL hoodie as a joke. He thought it was funny too until he put on the hoodie.#Has confessed to sleeping in it and it hasn't failed to show up for a stream once. There are even reports that he brings it to HEMA events.#It got to the point that Kafka custom ordered and sent Hoshina a comically large coffee mug for his birthday.#Its about the size of an Oktoberfest mug and it made Hoshina very emotional.#Reno has his own version of the “I know what you are” Dog meme but its a gif.#His gamer tag is something I threw together last minute out of his last name and cold motif (please let me know if you have anything better#Iharu and Reno didn't know each other until the community started shipping their mascots together.#Now they're best friends who have started doing this whole “gay for the bit” relationship.#It doesn't help that Reno has show up in the background of Iharu's stream and has been seen spending the night at Iharu's place.#even though they live in different states and refuse to offer an explanation#Can(n)onGoddess and BlossomBear stream together a lot. It's probably the few times you'll hear Mina willingly speak.#I forgot to mention that Hoshina has a glass cabinet filled with s*x toys from his subscribers.#He keeps telling them to not do that but it still happens on occasion. Now it's just a statement piece in the background of his streams.#I just felt making this.#Btw ya b*tch is 22 today#🎉🍾🎉 Yay me.#guess this is my version of a celebration.#kaiju no. 8#kn8#kaiju no 8#kaiju number 8#kaiju 8#kaiju no.8
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
havin a normal one 👍
#do u ever see ur irl friends hanging out w each other and get jealous bc u weren’t invited even tho u probably wouldn’t have enjoyed#the activity they are doing#god it’s always fucking like this. ive always fucking felt this since i was a kid and I thought it was better now that i had better friends#but apparently not#ive gotten better at initiating but fuck why do i always have to do it#i still need to improve a lot but man why the fuck can’t i just have people who want me around and make an effort to make me feel that way#im trying and its so fucking difficult to break this routine ive set and i know i need to try harder#but fucking god#it really doesn’t help that i have this notion that everyone hates me bc there is something fundamentally wrong w me#and i know im overreacting and my friends do not hate me#and that there isn’t anything so terrible that it would make every person I meet hate me#but sometimes when no one makes the effort towards you it’s hard to see that#it’s also awful bc it seems like the few times they do reach out abt something it’s last minute and i can’t prepare for it appropriately#so i end up rejecting the offer#and it seems like whenever i can’t make it onve i never get asked again#idk i hope im just being dramatic and my chronic loneliness is coloring my perception#anyway. i think i have therapy next week so.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Two hours. I got two hours of sleep. I’m so frustrated with myself.
Went to the ER. Everyone was very nice. They gave me an IV bag of fluids (I was dehydrated! Sad cactus!) and a little ativan (teeny dose), which was nice at the time! Just a little amount, but the (mostly) quiet room, fluids, and meds managed to relax me a lot. Could have fallen asleep if the bed was actually comfortable. Then they packed me up, gave me another little Ativan to take home for tonight, and said they’d contact my primary. Cool cool. Got some much needed food on the way home, then took the pill and got comfy. Again, smallest dosage they make, so no feeling too good. Managed to muscle past my anxiety to fall asleep, and… 2 hours. Woke up. Tried to go back to sleep. Too frustrated and anxious and I feel like crap. What should I do? Just eat a whole gummy and hope that knocks me out? For me, that feels like playing roulette. Could work, yeah. Could make me sleepy and pliable. Could also backfire and make me feel sick and extra anxious for another 5 or 6 hours. What do I do? Roll back up to the ER? “Hewwo, I woke up and I need more benzos 👉👈🥺” haha funny, but I’ve seriously been thinking about it 😑
God, I’m miserable. Been sitting outside on the porch for a bit. Not quite an hour. Needed to get out of the apartment, but tbh, nearly 4am outside isn’t doing much for me. I just feel alone. It wouldn’t help with sleeping, per se, but just someone, I dunno, hugging or holding me for a few minutes would honestly save me a little. What a mess. Oh yeah, and apparently my kidneys are going 👎👎👎 down. Bad meat. Not great test results. Not what I’m focusing on tonight. I’m a mess. Anyway, this was my update. Sorry for all the walls of text. Suppose this is mainly for me to look back on in the future, but can’t pretend it’s not at least a little validating to put this all out into the world and knowing that maybe one or two people read this and I didn’t suffer completely without recognition. Yeah…
#this is a lot of text#not really a casual read#ok ok… I can’t sit outside forever#gonna go back inside and I dunno make a hot chocolatey drink. grab some snacks#TRY to feel good even though I don’t#YES will probably get a little high#hoping that the combo of sugar. salt. and thc will give me the sleepy tools to just pass out for awhile#just a few more hours! please!#omg I was so pissed when I woke up and thought I’d slept for awhile but realized I hadn’t#’ what do you mean the last text I sent was only two hours ago? ‘#seriously. I thought I fell asleep around 11 pm but it was closer to 1am.#stupid sexy ativan. messing with my sense of time#it really wasn’t that big of a dose! I was basically a little buzzed for an hour or so each time#but the doctor was nice and straightforward with me. I just dunno tho. I’m a big guy with a history of anxiety. .5mg is weaksauce#god I’m getting anxious just sitting here thinking about trying to sleep again#it’s feeding on itself. I’m trying to rationalize this but it’s just this feedback loop.#is this my life now? I’m outside. I feel so alone. I feel like I could die any moment. in a sword of Damocles way. it’s there and waiting.#ok sitting outside isn’t helping#after 4am and yes I see cars driving by. I hear the occasional siren. but I still feel alone in the world#please tell me life goes on? please tell me we’re not really at the end here.#I always feel like I’m staring at our final days. that we’re all barely here. fucking ghost planet. waiting to die.#there’s war and hate and everything is expensive and I can’t.. I’m not a part of this world. I’m too poor and sickly and so it all seems…#like we’re on our last leg. like the final days of a fire sale. this body feels fit for the grave. this world is the grave.#I’m scared#ok like I said sitting out here isn’t helping. Ian. please stop.#yes. yes. ok. snacks and drinks and distracting tv. let’s try this again.#sorry this is a lot#I spent the last 20 minutes writing these tags and getting progressively more anxious 😬#you can ignore this#text
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I don’t know how to explain why I’m like. dropping my opera glasses during temenos’ route, they’re not actually saying/doing anything particularly risqué or shocking, it’s like. you can’t see me but I’m covering my mouth pensively. it’s like blueberry shot homoeroticism
#orlbs#otiilb#I feel like I would sound insane describing this to anyone who doesn’t know what bl is#like it’s like. people who aren’t gay and don’t care about gay relationships could probably go like wow this is a very normal relationship#meanwhile me and air have to pause every few minutes and sit in contemplative silence#stare at each other in shock like Did You Hear What He Just Fucking Said
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
had a devastating thought (i might have judged a movie unfairly)
#i’m thinking about sanctuary (2022)#my critique of it at the time was that there was no real heart to it. i didnt feel like the main characters were attracted to each other#or even considering such attraction#until the last few minutes of the movie#but maybe that was the point???? they were putting up a front of insincerity the whole time until the very end?#when they felt able to let their defenses down?#idk i’m probably just giving it too much credit#BUT I REALLY WANTED TO LIKE IT. GOD DAMN#mumbles
3 notes
·
View notes