#ive been diagnosed before but like
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thinking about the fact i got bipolar testing recommended to me by a county professional the other day. i wonder what they would actually diagnose me with
#ive been diagnosed before but like#it got taken away a little while after#anf there was no testing it was just “youre bipolar now”#and i was like “cool” 👍 as a 9yo#but um#its stopped being so rapid cycling which it was when i got yhe diagnosis#but that was technically like a multi year long hypomanic episode lmfao#and i am depressed like constantly#with little bouts of hypomania#soooounds like bipolar 2 to me#before i thought it was cyclothymia but the rapid cyclingness went away#btw “rapid cycling” means waking up depressed and agitated#getting better at like 9am-3pm#then at like 5pm-9pm going hypomanic to the point people are worried about me and telling me to shut up#consistently. for years.#for me at least#soooooounds like a mood disorder#ranty ramble
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green beetle black beetle
#star wars#the original trilogy#boba fett#darth vader#hi. sorry for star war jumpscare. genuinely#i feel like ive kinda been on an art hiatus lately due to health stuff#i got diagnosed with a parathyroid disease recently (wahoo) so now i know why i have been feeling so bad! need more tests though#anyway. in the mean time most of the entertainment my brain can handle has been like. youtube clip compilations of shows and movies#not even the actual shows or movies. literally just sections of them on youtube#i wish i was joking#the only reason i know what happens in succession is because i have watched it in disjointed order in youtube compilations. not joking#anyway so ive learned a lot more about star wars than i ever. thought i would#mostly just the original trilogy and prequels. some of the old comics & books are interesting too#(sick to my stomach) i like darth vader he has like the same personality as ganondorf except he had no good reason for doing anything#when vader/anakin does literally anything weird or unacceptable it like. makes me laugh so hard its like jerma when he sees a car accident#boba fett’s costume design has been rotating in my head a lot too it’s very good#he’s very colorful and like. matte/unpolished compared to vader and it makes them a cool duo visually#those 2 are my favorites. vader why is the space cowboy the only person aside from sidious or tarkin who is allowed to get mad at you#sidious is my 3rd favorite. he sucks so bad as like a person that you just. you have no expectations of him except just being evil#so its just really funny like everything he does is horrible and he’s so happy all the time like good for him#i’m making it sound like ive never seen star wars before. i have i just never really cared about it until i got an endocrine disorder lmao#but yeah idk art may continue to be slow while im figuring out treatment stuff#if anyone reading this also has or has had hyperparathyroidism im wishing the strength & radiance of 1000 beautiful horses upon you
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i hope whatever weird thing thats wrong with me is resolved by the concert next month bc if its not im really not seeing how i'll be able to go
#im used to having health problems and usually they dont stress me too much. im good at compartmentalizing it away into a little folder#but this time its just completely weird and nothing ive ever had before and its driving me crazy bc ive been to the doctors 3 times#no help no idea wait until october 3 and its getting more painful and weird every day i keep needing to lay down for hours#and just doing anything womens health related is already a fucking struggle like i dont want to be doing any of this usually i dont#get stressed like this but ive never experienced this so it is freaking me out bc my aunt had weird cancer and my uncles been just diagnose#with stage 4 and hes been given 18months and my grandma died last year can you just take me serious for once#anyway sorry for the monday morning vent but if i dont put this somewhere im gonna have an actual freak out
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The way I have not written a single word for like a month it feels like I have been busier in the last two weeks than I have been in the last four years of my life and will continue to be busy for the next two weeks I got one day between a four day family trip and a sib visit gotta sew a monkey during the trip and if monkie kid drops in that time I will simply combust
#knox rambles#ill definitely be offline for a bit WHEEZE#To be clear im having a good time overwhelmed but in a good way?#reconnected with someone i havent been able to get in contact with for like four years and hangout at their house twice before heading#straight to bake cookies after baking cinnamon rolls that morning--#my brian is scattered but this is good new experiences good folks good for the brain#sniffs i need to ahem ahem write ive been thinking about wobbly hearts nonstop and havent been able to write a single word wheezing#unsure if thats from being busy or being in a block#YEAH HI IM RAMBLING BUT IM NOT DEAD AND IMA BE OFFLINE FOR A BIT LONGER#eyeing up an ipad still for drawin#sewing and reading a book my reconnected-with cousin lent me#I FORGOT TO CUT MY HAIRJDJDJDNG#I MEANT TO DO THAT TODAY SHOOT#.#welp i am functioning sort of mostly#i swear#i made a phonecall today#i even made a sandwich#yes it was after opening every cupboard and fridge door eight times throughout the day and only made it bc my bro was making one BUT STILL#and yes i spent five hours procrastinating just putting stuff in my bag that i already had folded but its FIIIIIINNEEEEE#im functional and my best friend definitely did not call me today just to tell me to book an appointment to ask for an adhd diagnoses noooo#almost forgot to hit post cause i got distracted watching wander over yonder heyyyyyyyyyyy#ANYWAY LEAVING FIRST THING TOMOROW GN
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okay guys genuine question but if you're watching cats the musical with friends and are spouting some fun trivia facts, know all of the dances, know all of the songs by heart, get super duper excited because your friends are witnessing your favorite character/ship
does that mean u have some sort of like... undiagnosed something
because i could not pull myself back from literally doing all of that trying to watch cats 1998 with my friends i think i have an issue 😭
#my asian ass with my asian mother will always be like 'everything has a little something it probably means nothing'#girly pop i think i have an issue???#this must be some sort of tism or whatever but ive never been diagnosed before so idk!!!#also i honestly did not know i have this much knowledge about a stupid musical about cats like BRO you couldve picked any musical#and you settled on cats???#what sort of hyperfixation is this 😭#peach drabbles
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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just realized i hav therapy in a week n i wonder if i should tell my therapist i sh or if she would instantly hit me with the bpd beam because im also thinking of bringing up more in depth how strongly relationships n the emotions involved (the illogical horrors created solely by me n also the good ones) affect me and . well. it . is very much like ppl i know with bpd in fact it is textbook (surface level)
#but then it also could just be the avpd#because a lot of the things i feel is the same as it is but just. suddenly presenting itself more like the other because of how personal#of a relationship it is#vs how usually all my fears n emotions are based around strangers n my insecurities there#ive never been close 2 anyone before ive never had the experience to tell#n at the same time that i do relate to a lot of things my bpd friends go through it could. just be a personality disorder thing#a lil cousins of tha fuckd up brain#and i know how much bpd is over diagnosed at the snap of a finger#n im worried i wont be able to describe things properly#because i am missing a lot of the things when u delve deeper#like the more angry outbursting side it can frequently have#i dont get angry#at all#i am devoid of anger#i only get scared#and frustrated w myself if anything around me goes wrong#i also dont experience mania#my emotions fluctuate intensely everyday all day
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hi everyone :’) i havent been on tumblr much lately because i am 1) not watching anything and 2) still dealing with the effects of a bunch of fun medical stuff! i am doing ok but my body hates me so so so much lately. i have the energy and ability(?) to do only a few very specific things right now (play elden ring, let youtube forcefeed me kpop videos, languish) and that does not include watch show or make gif or even write no matter how much i might want to. so. this is how it is haha. miss u guys
#it feels silly to make a post like this when im still on here nearly every day but i Feel disconnected. yknow#like i rb something once a day. i hardly talk to my mutuals. idk#i post vaguely often about my Medical Situation but. i think it might be good if i clarify so#this year since april ive been dealing with a sudden and long-term resurgence of pain that ive had before#originally we thought it was ovarian cysts (which ive been troubled by before)#but that got ruled out mostly. so#my doctor ‘diagnosed’ it as endometriosis (note quotes; it’s apparently not possible to diagnose endo without a surgery which i havent had)#(and so this is just an educated guess on her part and on mine. but a decent one)#i went on hormone meds for that which dont seen to be working for the endo but do regulate other things#but that significantly worsened my depression#so im on ssris now#theres also some other issues with me i dont care to disclose here#and its really just been A Lot#right now the ssris are on a very low dose but they are making me brutally dizzy and nauseous also.#i keep trying to be optimistic and then i get dunked on. but i will keep hoping#it will pass but fuck could it pass faster#rowan chatter#i have actually managed to write some despite all this. but show watching has fallen to the wayside
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Sherlock and Co has no right to be this funny
There's this funny scene in I think The Gloria Scott Pt2 where Sherlock and John are discussing some kind of phrase and John explains it something like this (bare with me I don't have this thing memorized)
"[...] For comedic effect."
"But nobody laughed."
LIKE I WAS GONNA BREAK DOWN LAUGHIBG IN THE FUCKJN TTC YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME SHERLOCK
I was listening to this bc I had to take a bus down for a field trip we were going on but I heard this and a laugh just escaped me oh my God.
Also you can never get enough of the existentialism in Gloria Scott Pt2 like bro. They had me thinking about memory and identity and I'm like 🧍♂️bc I'm walking to the place we're going for the trip (it was a film festival btw) and I hear this and I'm like. What. What the fuck.
Also nothing beats hearing Sherlock Holmes describe exactly how you see the world but in words. Nothing will ever top the validation from canonically autistic Sherlock
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In other news, Sherlock and Co remains to be the ONLY podcast I can actively say I like (ever), I'm not a podcast guy and baaaaarely an audiobook person but man. Nothing beats the atmosphere of that podcast and the editing is tip notch. You know it's a good one when *dramatic violin*
The theme song is so catchy hekejejdjdkdkkdkr
Uhhh yeah pls go listen to it and or read the transcripts bc it makes for a good accompaniment but yall. This podcast is FIRE. Sherlock Holmes is great but I've genuinely never related to a character more wtf
Anyways, falling into that fixation phase again!
#posts#sherlock and co#ive been catching up on episodes of the podcast bc i almost forgot about it#lemme tell you its WORHT ITTT#the real question remains whether i should review each podcast episde on my film journal meant for films n stuff#because i want to be Peak Annoying#like ive already done it enough when i wrote 2000 words of tgamm analysis#or 800 words of lucifer analysis#bro probably diagnosed me mentally with the tism before he found out for real (documents and ieps and shit)#so like. he LOVES when im obsessed#i may or may not choose to be annoying about this podcast on PURPOSE#WILLINGLY
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have to wake up early tomorrow to drop my sister at the station, then get my ultrasound done, and then go to my job interview after. feels like a good night to listen to the cure
#mine#had to go home from work because i was in so much pain#the doctor was soooo nice#he just listened to me and was very respectful and didnt brush of any of my concerns#and like. even when i told him about the drugs i do he was chill about it. we were talking symptoms and i kept saying yes i experience that#but i thot it was stress. and he said to me 'it sounds like youre under a lot of stress rn' and then asked if id been diagnosed with anxiet#and then i said to him well no. but im a psychologist and i feel i have ptsd but theres no formal diagnosis#i just watched him write it on my chart <3#ive cut down on my smoking though he straight up thought i was lying about only having 1 a day (some days 2 some days 0)#but he was nice about it#at the end i was like '.............thanks for being so nice' and he smiled#the weird part was when i was speaking and like#idk i guess i anticipate that people will cut me off so i paused and looked to him#and he just looked bck at me and nodded and waited for me to finish before speaking#just the little things#it was actually surprisingly validating to hear him say that he thought i was pretty stressed out#like i feel it but i always worry im just being a baby yknow#he was asking about shortness of breath nausea heartburn etc etc#and i was like yeah that has increased lately but I wasn't sure if it was related or just stress from work#and he was like dude I think you need a couple days off#definitely coming back to him
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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work#blocked it all out#my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer#breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries#they just diagnosed her two weeks ago#so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well#but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work#on top of my fulltime#which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it#but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this#for the coming four months at least#so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes#then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week#which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc#i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer#came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry#but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat#bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.”#“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.”#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually#but seeing her anger made me see my own anger#and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic#i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more#so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise#doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal#and i am not joking#so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back
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ohhhh my god. okay. so. my aunt does like, she buys random junk in bulk from retail wholesalers and then resells it on like, facebook marketplace and ebay and stuff. whatever. so my mom works for her. makes a flat $50 a day, regardless of the fact that shes disabled and doing hard labor for at least 8 hours a day, often 10+. and min wage here is $10 an hour but mom argued that $50 a day is still more than what she would make working the same hours at an actual job because of taxes...like girl that would be 50% taxes. you do not pay that fucking much. so thats already Bad.
but today mom shows me a video of a knife theyre gonna sell, and i watch 2 seconds and i realize its an automatic knife, and i tell her hey. thats illegal to possess in this state. let alone sell! and mom is like ohhh [aunt] knows what shes doing itll be fine.... we sell knives on there all the time she just doesnt put pictures and calls them something else on the listing to get around fb/ebays policies :)
LIKE. HELLO. THATS NOT BETTER. YOURE COMMITTING MULTIPLE CRIMES. *AS YOUR JOB.* and she was just like "its not a big deal she knows what shes doing." folks, this is the same aunt that, very illegally, paid me to sort through her clients confidential tax documents and bank records and stuff. because she works for a bank. and took the records home to sort them. i dont think she DOES know what shes doing, actually!
#why do both of my parents need to be so impressively incompetent. i like. cannot find the words for how . i feel about this#like. idc about crimes. go forth. be free. but maybe. just maybe. you should not make your job#“hi today i will post about how i am selling illegally possessed objects on a widely used public forum”#dont do crimes STUPID. yanno.#in other parent news. its now like. month 6 or so of dad refusing to get his insurance reinstated.#hes been on the same step (taking his paystubs to the dhhr office) for like 3 months?#anyway apparently he found out today/last night that when he was a kid he was diagnosed with gastroparesis !#which is like ! cool! you have a diagnosis AND ive been living with that for 16 years and can help you 🥰#but we were sitting there with mom (this was right before the knife thing) and she was like “well you gotta get your insurance now so you#can get on the right meds“ and dad was like yeah ill go....#and mom was saying well go in the morning when they open etc etc and he was like i will#and i pointed out that just two weeks ago i told him that too. and he didnt want to. bc hed lose money due to not being able to work#and mom was like well he doesnt work at 8am. and i was like yeah i know but i told him to go at 8am two weeks ago and that was his response#and then he proceeded to claim that this whole time he didnt know they opened at 8am.#folks. he doesnt start working until like...usually 10 or so. WHAT GOVERNMENT OFFICE DOESNT OPEN UNTIL 10.#PLUS. WE LIVE IN A RURAL HOUR. *BUSY* TAKES LIKE AN HOUR. MOST OF THE TIME YOURE IN AND OUT WITHIN 20 MINITES.#ive been fucking considering PAYING HIM to go get it.#and then he claims he didnt know it opened at 8am. when i have told him that. MULTIPLE TIMES.#WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE LIKE THISSSS THEYRE THE MOST IMMATURE ADULTS IVE EVER MET AND THATS IMPRESSIVE!!!#IVE KNOWN PEOPLE WHO PAY THEIR RENT IN COKE OR WHO ARE ESSENTIALLY PROFESSIONAL PARTIERS. AND *THEYRE* MORE RESPONSIBLE AND MATURE THAN MY#PARENTS. SO WHAT GIVES.#also theyre 50 like cmon yall. youre not even 20 or 30. i think you should know how to not like. get your job shut down or die of lack#of medication.#did i tell yall one of the times a few months ago i was nagging dad abt getting his insurance#his response was literally. no exxageration.#he was like oughhh i dont wanna see doctors because then theyll find out somethings wrong with me#and ill have to go on a bunch of medication.#and then he actually for real. said.#“being on too many medications killed my grandma”#even mom was like cmon man. thats not even true. they misdiagnosed her and put her on WRONG meds. she wasnt even on that many.
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percy jackson is perfect rep because neurodivergent kids truly will find out they literally speak zebra and their only thought will be "look at me. i can't even speak lion. probably means theres something wrong with me again :("
#im doing a reread! the plan is to read both pjo and hoo but well see how far i get#ive been wanting to finish hoo for like. ten years but i never did bc i wanted to reread pjo first#twas the right call i dont remember ANYTHING from these books lol#really interesting to read this as a 21 year old instead of an 11 year old bc percys 12 year oldness is palapable in a way it wasnt before#not in a bad way but more that i realise now how well rr got into the brain of a 12 year old kid w adhd#because the tone is so different from books im used to reading these days#also ive been diagnosed with both dyslexia and adhd since first reading these lmfaooo so thats fun too#personal#pjo#chb
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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After years of googling and not completely relating to things like bpd, adhd or bipolar, im pretty sure I've figured out that I have IED (intermittent explosive disorder)
Going to bring it up to my psych and hopefully fix it. Too little too late for my relationship soooooooo that's just lovely and I want to *** lmao
#txt#tw#i just cant keep saying *** and stuff i dont want to trigger people im sorry#but i do#why am i nearly 28 and just now hearing about this disorder#like#completely relate to every point the website made#as opposed to all the rest#too organised for adhd#ocd is so intense i cant possibly have that as i dont impulsively do things#so#yeah idk#it makes me mad that#i havent been diagnosed#i mean i never committed to therapy before#but ive explained how i felt like i was faking shit#idkidkidk#fml man
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