#but that significantly worsened my depression

[sollucets]

hi everyone :’) i havent been on tumblr much lately because i am 1) not watching anything and 2) still dealing with the effects of a bunch of fun medical stuff! i am doing ok but my body hates me so so so much lately. i have the energy and ability(?) to do only a few very specific things right now (play elden ring, let youtube forcefeed me kpop videos, languish) and that does not include watch show or make gif or even write no matter how much i might want to. so. this is how it is haha. miss u guys

[witchblade]

it's been so long since ive read any kind of traditionally published comic book they still making those or what

[the-eldritch-it-gay]

The thing with my psych being like “I think it might be trauma instead of psychosis” is like. Yeah, I don’t disagree that trauma has no doubt played a role in my mental state. But like, my biggest trauma was childhood neglect, how lingering trauma from that cause intense hallucinations (audio/visual/tactile) and the firmly held belief that people want to hurt me and are watching me and spying on me and tracking me?

You could try and say “well the social paranoia and isolation can be from being bullied when you were younger, that’s traumatic too!” and sure I don’t doubt that that was traumatic either but the social isolation and beliefs have worsened significantly as an adult whereas during my time being bullied and shortly after leaving school I actually had many friends and talked with people regularly whereas now I’m a complete shut in and have 0 friends face to face or that I speak to regularly.

“You’re too aware of your thinking and issues to be psychotic” idk maybe the fact that I’ve been in psychotherapy for like what more than 13 years straight, including time in year round treatment centers where the only thing I’m being taught is about analyzing my own thinking and feelings and developing coping strategies has something to do with that?

I just think it’s a little frustrating to finally have the courage to talk about how I’ve been struggling with hallucinations and paranoia and have no real relationships and feel like I can’t trust my own brain and that I can’t tell what’s real all the time to the extent that it’s interfering with my ability to work and making me a complete recluse and it’s steadily been getting worse since I was a teenager despite consistent medication and treatment for anxiety and depression and trauma. And people are like “Well you might just be autistic, that can cause people to have weird stuff. Plus you have PTSD and that can cause some hallucinations and hyper vigilance and depression. And you have a job so it can’t be psychosis” like why the fuck am I even trying. I was genuinely trying to actually get help for once in my life because I’m struggling but I guess they’ve deciding that despite my earnest pleas for help that I’m not struggling enough for them to consider idk having me even screened for psychosis?

[kittycatcrackhead]

shane x farmer headcanon

TW: Alcoholism, EDs and body dysmorphia, and mentions of being suicidal.

Here's some headcanon stuff before i get to the depressing shit

Leon is 5'5", and Shane is 5'6" (funnily enough, leon was made to be short because i wanted him to be slightly shorter than shane, and i've always headcanoned shane as 5'6")

Neither one can cook. Leon has literally burnt down his kitchen before.

Leon is 27, and Shane is 34

Leon is horrible with kids, but Shane is surprisingly good with them (it's cause he tries to be a good uncle to jas)

Leon doesn't understand a thing about gridball, but it's fine cause shane loves to ramble and explain it.

Shane is transmasc, and uses he/they pronouns.

Leon uses he/him pronouns.

Shane wears exclusively crocs, even at work. It drives leon insane (he despises crocs).

Leon and Shane are both slobs, and it drives Leon's bodyguard Phillip (who also lives with them) fucking nuts. (phil is a part of their relationship, but i want to focus on leon and shane's dynamic here. i'll eventually make a post about a phil x shane dynamic)

Leon is somehow still a certified accountant (even after getting fired from his last job for accused fraud. he was set up tho), and handles the finances for the farm, and deals with tax stuff. He often rambles about accountant stuff to Shane, who doesn't understand a lick of it.

Leon is allergic to cats, but they still keep a cat around the farm.

Leon's full name is Leonard Valentine Locke. DO NOT call him Leonard, he despises his full name.

^ This is leon :3

^ this is his sdv sprite i made :3 (pixel art is a pain in the ass in procreate btw T_T)

ok sad shit below this, read at your own risk.

So shane has always been a big influence on my oc, Leon (it was mostly subconscious, I didn't realize Leon was so similar to Shane until a couple of months ago)

They're both suicidally depressed and alcoholics, and both struggle with their sense of self-worth.

I believe that Shane drinks because he lost two close friends who meant a lot to him (Jas' parents), and didn't know how to deal with the grief. He'd already had a bit of an issue with alcohol before, but nothing like it would become.

Leon drinks because he had a shit childhood and a shit life. He hates himself, and struggles with major depression. He's on antidepressants, and meds for bipolar 2, which react poorly with the alcohol, worsening his symptoms, and making him heavily suicidal. He always had a problem with alcohol, but it became significantly worse when he shot and killed his father. While it was self-defense, his now boss, Zalu Merriweather, used it against him to get Leon to work for them. That sent Leon into a downward spiral, and he ended up nearly dying multiple times.

He ended up in Stardew Valley with his bodyguard, Phillip, because of some lore thing idk. what happens in stardew valley isn't canon to my story, so i haven't put too much though as to why Leon ends up there lmao

But Leon finds shane, and they are two drunk peas in a pod. They get along well, (perhaps too well), and are both worsening the other's alcoholism, since Shane now has a drinking buddy, and leon thinks shane's hot af, but leon prefers to be drunk when he sleeps with someone.

Then shane's six-heart event rolls around, and leon doesn't want to shane to end up like him. Shane decides he's going to get his shit together.

Leon doesn't get sober yet, tho. He's still drinking and struggling, but with Shane now being sober, he doesn't want to be a bad influence.

Eventually, shane and phil are able to help leon give up alcohol.

Leon gives it up entirely, but Shane is able to have a few beers every now and then.

Leon gains weight after quitting alcohol, and it really fucks with him. He had an ED when he was younger, and has bad body dysmorphia. Seeing his body become "ugly" by his standards almost makes Leon relapse, but he works through it.

[alexanders-pokemon-adventure]

A little rain in every life must fall

****Trigger warning, themes of depression, suicide and death****

-Professor Abigail Apricot

The six were here. Professor Apricot had not known three of the persons depicted on the five of wands personally but knew of them. Rai( @ranger-rai )and Lynn( @mod-ellisa-and-lynn )are Rangers of note she’d heard of in passing even before Alex knew them and Ellisa… Ellisa( @adventures-on-foster-island )did good work Professor Apricot thought on that island she ran. She appreciated that they dropped everything to come. Apricot hoped that with the six here those Sera had conjured on the cards would make the difference. Derek , Alexandria( @alex-ishvan ), Sera ,Rai , Lynn and Ellisa gathered with her in Alexander’s hospital room. As time was running out.

Pleasantries were surprisingly quick with the assembled group apricot found. They were all friendly but wonted to get to the point of their assembly quickly. Alex was dying she told them , that had not surprised any of them, and they had all been paying attention to Alexander’s condition. What they didn’t know it was Alexander’s Advance Medical Directive was reaching its conclusion. Even with Alexander’s families legal aid in extending the deadline. Alexander’s wishes have been extremely clear.

“In the event of a non-medically induced coma ,I am to be allowed one month to recover if not, life-support is to be removed and my life allowed to end.” Was dictated to us and Alexander’s family. With their help, we had pushed back the deadline almost another month. The hospital was beginning to fight us now. And the truth was we didn’t think we could win another court case to extend the deadline. Not with how Alexander continue to worsen , withering day by day…

Derek was the one to cut in “so it’s now or never there isn’t anything more we can do to prepare there isn’t more research we can draw on the plan we have been preparing for either work or won’t , what we do today is it.”

There was a little protest from Ellisa “ even if whatever we do doesn’t work. What if it has a positivei mpact what if Alex shows improvement after we do whatever you’ve planned .do you think the hospital with an extended deadline again?” She asked

“no” was all apricot, could say coldly for a long moment,” I don’t think anything beyond Alexander waking up will change things. We’ve already extended the deadline significantly beyond Alexander’s wishes. the hospital does have the legal argument that we already significantly defied Alexander’s wishes” Lynn rested, and arm over Ellisa shoulders “ then whatever we do will make sure it work” something like Grimm determination in his voice.

“so what’s the plan?” Rai ask sharing Lynn’s determined tone “ with all of us here I doubt we could fail” a room lighting grin on his face.

So apricot explained that Alexander was a conductor of energies from what she could tell all “living” energies were something Alexander could conduct,refine and utilize in a myriad of ways. But Alexander had foolishly attempted to better understand what was troubling their Castform after the Shadow Storm by taking in some of the same energy that poison them, and ended up here.

Shadow-type energy was formed from trauma and trauma, is something better fought with others. Alexander generally use their gift to take in the power of Pokémon to strengthen themselves or others, but their was a kind of energy humans generated as well entirely unique to the species. Professor Apricot handed each of the gathered assembly a yellow pendant.

“ these are modified EXP shares” Apricot explained “ human beings, generate a type of energy that some Pokémon used to evolve. The EXP share I have given you have been altered to transfer that energy in a way normal human being can’t on their own”

“ friendship ?” Rai asked “ exactly” Apricot answered “ we are working off the idea that the shadow type energy in Alexander’s body works much like trauma, and the best way to treat traumas is with a support network, with love , with “

Alexandria was the one to cut her off “with friendship” she spoke

“Yes but that’s only half ,Sera could you?” Professor Apricot gesturing for Sera to continue the explanation.

“It wont just be us” Sera said “l’m … I’m going to uses us as lightning rods”

“I beg your pardon”Ellisa said incredulously

“I’m sorry not literally, I’m a mystic and I’m going to uses us as beacons to call other to help. Do any of you know what the sympathetic magic is?” She asked . Apricot knew much of the more esoteric aspects of Sera’s abilities went over peoples heads .The lack of an answer from any of the three told her the answer was no.

Sera sighed “ people ,places, objects ,intentions are all connected in a sense. Chords of a guitar resonate with others, like calls to like ,as above so below, etc. etc. We’re all Alexander’s friends. We all want to help Alex , we’re all here.” apricot watched Sara gesture to the crowd.” those qualities and intentions are things I can use to call others with similar intentions those who would want to help and give, whatever strength and power they can , I think with six of us here, seven counting, the professor we’ll cast a large net”

Professor Apricot finished “We think with enough of us will be able to either neutralize, cast out or wake Alex to expel the shadow-type energy killing them themself. We aren’t 100% certain what’s going to happen during the process but it’s the best shot we have” the Professor looked away ,a part of Apricot felt a little ridiculous, explaining their plan. It felt as a wishy-washy as it sounded to her. But it truly was all they had “ are you all ok with our plan, will you help us ?”

When the professor looked up, she did not see the doubtful looks she expected, she saw three determined adults, that had not been deterred.

“ of course we will “ Rai spoke “ When do we begin?” Lynn asked

Something like Hope was beginning to grow in Professor Abigail Apricots chest

“Sera?”

“ on my end, I can be ready in two hours” Sera answered

“ two hours then everyone” Prof Apricot

-Sera Figga

It was her turn Sera thought to herself. Sera was a ESPer , most people generally understood what that was and what it meant even without knowing the scoop of what see could do, apparently it even ran in her father’s side of her family but Few understood her other half . Being a Mystic openly was always a gamble , so many people claimed to be “Mystics” in the age of the internet that such titles were more aesthetics than actual indicators of ability. It didn’t help even before the title became an aesthetic mystics that weren’t religious figures were often feared or looked down on in the past. It made admitting to Ellisa, Lynn , Rai and to a lesser extent Alexandria difficult. It would not have been the first time she had been ridiculed and mocked for suggesting magic as an answer, let alone being real. She had been pleasantly surprised by their nonchalant acceptance, of her part of the plan.

So Sera got to work. Reached into that part of herself that roared in her chest and sang the song of the world. The magic in her she found was not like her psychic powers. The Psionics she wielded were as best as she could describe pliable , easy ,one could even say willing to comply with her at a moments notice, but magic … raged. It almost felt to Sera as if it wasn’t part of her , it needed constant supervision when in use, or would run amok, butt when Sera bore down on it like she did now she did not truly know what her limit would be. Of course, she had reached the bottom of her well of power before, but in application she had yet to find her walls. Sera knew they watch her in silence as she began her working. From the sounds of quiet and gasps she knew they felt it. Sympathetic magic called on connections and similarities and she now use each of those here as the archetypes on which she drew from.

Alexander’s friends /People who cared for Alexander/Those with strength to give to Alexander /Those determined to help Alexander

Like calls to like ,as above so below ,an invitation sent out.

“Sera” Apricot spoke with mild alarm in her voice” are we starting?” She ask Sera

“Yes.” Sera spoke in voice the hummed like a tuning fork. Sera heard a slight shuffling footsteps, and a distinct click. The pendant Professor apricot gave her began to glow. All of the pendants begin to glow and though Sera felt distant as her spell wove into being she knew they all Glowed.

Sera and the assemble group had circled Alexander’s bed . Alex had become so thin and in this room Sera thought that some of the color had been leached from their skin but she couldn’t worry about that now. Power was building in this room. Sera couldn’t tell what the other were experiencing and in truth, she wasn’t certain why they each glow different colors but an almost tangible pressure was forming in the air .She felt them combing before she understood what was happening. The invitation she had sent out was answered ,strength like lightning ran through her from familiar sources, her family. Sera’s sister, and father, and even her mother adding strength to this working, for Alex. By the way, Ellisa and Lynn gripped onto each other how Rai gridded his teeth and the others braced them self she knew something similar was happening to each of them as power built on power. Sera had wondered to herself how much they could each take before they would need to release it.

Professor apricot answered, that question for her “NOW !” Professor apricot screamed”NOW SERA DO IT NOW !!” Apricot was gripping her chest Sera thought she looked like she might explode. More were coming Sera knew it, but doubt if any of them can hold much more so in a final grappling move a part of Sera reached out into the world and leading them all down with her. Into the nothing.

Light. They had become light Sera though . Pure light pouring into Alexander ,in to the vast empty. Though Sera could not sense the others thoughts like she could the last time she ventured into the nothingness that had subsumed Alexander she did feel them . Feel the them and all the stars that race down with them all for Alexander. Sera felt them all become so united in their goal to save them , so ductile to each other that distinctions were becoming meaningless. They were wholly blazing light ,here to cast away the darkness. they were here to bring Alexander home, and nothing would stop them, not the void they plunge through and not the adamant black they shattered through to reach them.

They drifted to the rooftop of the Starlight Tower.

Alexander was where Sera had left them. They were younger here on the ledge of the starlight tower lit by the city skyline. They saw Alexander’s hollow gaze fall on them. Did they recognize us? Did they know we were here to help them? Sara thought before she noticed the shadow was still there ,now standing behind them. The shadow did not attack Sera this time. It only waited behind Alexander and watched. A part of Sera writhed uncomfortably at the knowledge that the others saw what she did here. Alex had always been an intensely private person with such matters, but with how dire things had become she hadn’t see any other opptions. Sera hope the others would use discretion when they brought Alex back. In a voice that was all of them and a thing all it own they spoke

“Alex” they called to them, the sound rolling and reverberating through the place that wasn’t place. Alexander didn’t react “ Alex it’s us “ they spoke again reaching form them. To bring Alex home… but something stopped them. It wasn’t the Shadow it still only stood and watched beside Alexander . What stop them came from inside . Sera found it … odd. Some thing told her ,told them all that if they tried to bring Alexander back themselves it be for nothing. Sara didn’t know what that meant. Only that it was true. Felt it deep in her bones. So is one they reached out their hand again, open and inviting.

”Alex, let’s go home you don’t have to stay here anymore.You’re past this.” Alex didn’t react.

Again they spoke “this place” they just gestured around them “it isn’t real you’re not here anymore. It’s OK take my hand and we’ll go home.” A scared part of Sera remembered what this had felt like in the waking world to find Alexander. Alexander had sent Sera a text that had scared her.

“You’re my best friend in the world Sera. I just wanna make sure you know that.”From Alex.

There have been some thing about her interactions with them the days prior had them running out the door across the city to find them. Sera had never stretched her mind across such a large space before, but she did then. She found themand she saved of them. She saved them before Sara thought, stopping down the fear.

“Alex” they called again. There was a thundering sound that rocked the unreal place they stood in. A loud rhythmic beat shook the world. Alarm rise in all of them, what was happening ,what was that noise? The skyline that had lit this world went out and something like pain ran through all of them. The thundering beat was getting quieter ,the fence that Alex clung to disappeared, the starlight tower was gone. Was it getting darker Sera thought. What is this world coming apart? Whatever was happening none of them thought was good with urgency again they reached out to Alexander”ALEX take our hand!!”. a distinct hiss of laughter wrapped around them as the world grew darker. The shadow laced it fingers around Alexander’s head and laughed.“ Alex, please take our hand and we’ll go.” They were all cut off as Alex���s hollow eyes shut.

Sera was on the floor, she knew her nose was bleeding from the warm wet dribbling, she felt on her face. She was in her real body, all the power that she and other hand amass was gone wear it went she didn’t know .Why they had been shut out,she didn’t know . What was that noise she heard. A distinctive,electronic hum. Then there was Derek’s voice whispering, over and over again and then screaming”no no nO NO NO NO !” What was wrong? Sera thought to herself. She looked and saw…Alex had flatline.

[dzzystrs]

LOE UPDATE; i got spayed (a hysterectomy)!

i just wanted to talk about it a little bit, i know i dont use this blog much anymore especially for personal stuff, but this is kinda yknow. a huge life update!

i tried two birth controls over the last year and a half that both made me um. crazy. worsened my depression significantly, did not improve my periods, yada yada. my psychiatrist (who i LOVE!!!!!!) had referred me to her childhood best friend who is an obgyn and EXTREMELY queer friendly (and she is a lesbian!!!) and we discussed my options going forward, which was essentially iud or surgery. i refuse to try anything i couldn't stop taking immediately (bc of my past experience w birth control), so i got referred to her obgyn surgeon that she adores (and i also now adore <3)9

and pretty much he agreed that surgery was probably in my best interest, im trans w/ no interest in having children, i probably have/had endometriosis, and my periods were ruining my life, so despite my living in oklahoma and being 22 y/o, he got my scheduled within a month and half to get my surgery. WHICH WAS A LOT TO PROCESS, but now im one day post op and maybe its the oxy talkin but im so . relieved. happy.

they found a cyst on my right ovary while operating, plus lesions that are indicative of endometriosis, but allegedly the cyst can be a sign of severe stage of endometriosis which. explains a lot of the pain i was in. and also for me at least justified my hysto so much more. it's only been about 24 hours since they used a robot to remove thangs from me, but i've felt very little pain so far.

and the craziest part about all of this is im not medically transitioned my doctor is so crazily transfriendly and the first thing i heard when i woke up from surgery was someone gendering me correctly. i never heard my deadname once throughout all of this, my preferred name is on all my medical documents and my wristband. i feel so fortunate and grateful and just. happy. joy. i got a fucking HYSTERECTOMY in oklahoma as a non medically transitionated they/he and i was respected the ENTIRE time. i feel insane /pos

ok i think thats all my thoughts for now. i just wanted to share this experience while i was having all my feelings about it n stuff. i might post more, i might not, i think i Will have to crowdfund at some point to help pay off my surgery depending on how my payment plan gets set up, if not then to at least supplement some of my income that im losing while on leave to cover essentials and medical copays. so you still might hear about it in that capacity lol

[aster-is-confused]

google isn't being very helpful so hopefully disability tumblr can give some advice. what are the symptom differences in POTS vs. iron deficiency anemia vs. low blood sugar vs. low blood pressure vs. severe dehydration? i know that's a lot, but if you could just speak to the ones you know more about, i would appreciate it a lot. i'm trying to look into what could be causing my severe lightheadedness/presyncope when standing up, which has been going on for several years. details about my situation and symptoms below the cut

for about 2 and a half years now, i've been dealing with lightheadedness, loss of balance, seeing spots/vision blackout, and several times falling over and very nearly fainting. all of this happens almost exclusively when i stand up from sitting. it's not always super bad, sometimes it's just a bit of lightheadedness or tittinus and then i'm fine. it worsens significantly when i haven't eaten, drank, and/or slept much recently. when it started i figured it was my eating disorder causing low blood sugar (probably true), major lack of sleep contributing to the dizziness (also probably true), and severe dehydration too because at some point I started trying to exacerbate the symptoms as a cry for help (it was a rough year). but since then i've recovered and still have a lot of the same symptoms.

last year i asked my doctor and she just said i'm dehydrated, which i know is true, but it feels like more than just dehydration going on. today i finally decided to look into it further after all morning and afternoon my limbs were tingly while sitting down, my legs were very weak going down stairs, i felt kind of "static-y" all over for a few minutes after standing up (similar to the tingling in my limbs but everywhere), and i would get tittinus (ringing and muffled hearing) for like 60 seconds after standing up. things that probably made today worse than normal are that my eating, drinking, and sleeping habits have been not great recently because of exam season, and i did spend the vast majority of the day sitting (AP exam in the morning, homework in the afternoon).

i haven't yet tried the POTS 10 minute stand test, but i plan to tonight, but i know in the past i've had an oddly high heart rate and heavy breathing during very mild activity like getting up and walking across the house (i've always attributed the breathing to my asthma, but honestly it doesn't make much sense for something as simple as walking), as well as mild tremors and muscle weakness on bad days, and pretty regular brain fog and sometimes fatigue (i've usually just attributed both of those to adhd and depression). i've never had blood pressure issues that i know of, so i think plain old hypotension isn't likely. low blood sugar makes sense when i haven't eaten much, but i still have the symptoms (to a lesser extent) when I'm eating well. iron deficiency doesn't seem unlikely, although i had some bloodwork done for other reasons about 1.5 years ago (well after symptoms started) and i wasn't told that anything was abnormal. i've been pretty chronically dehydrated my whole life (urine charts put me at medium-severe dehydration depending on the day), but honestly i don't want to believe that it's just that. i have a doctor's appointment (yearly checkup) in about a week, and i'd like to be able to narrow it down somewhat and talk to my parents about it more before then so i can discuss it at the appointment.

any advice would be appreciated, and i'll probably edit the post once i've done the 10 minute stand test

UPDATE: 10 minute stand test results were definitely not normal, my resting rate after laying down still for a while was 75, then it hovered at 130-140 for the whole 10 minute standing period. evidence is currently leaning strongly towards POTS so i'll make sure to discuss it with my parents and doctor

[royalreef]

Hello there! Is your Mira able to shift between the more "humanoid" merfolk appearance and her more beastly/animalistic self, or is she purely in that animal-like form you usually draw her in? I see you use her in-game appearance for icons and threads, but was wondering if that's simply for expressions, or if she really is in the more humanoid form. Sorry if these questions are wordy or don't make much sense, I just want to make sure I understand her right! -Thanks, a curious nonnie

(( I've mentioned and brought this up before, but in short, nope! Merfolk and the Merkingdom are entirely meant to be exercises in speculation, from the very start of this blog (and notoriously one of the reasons I particularly loved Miranda so much), and it's impossible to remove the biological factors and the sheer experience of being an entirely different species from the question of what a marine society would be like.

I keep the old icons I have of her official art and make a few more here and there when new artwork is released — mostly for expressions, but also because I'm heavily limited in the art I actually have on hand of the full design, and simply want to utilize what I've already made.

Miranda is, was born as, and always will be the full design of my merfolk, and this is a consistent theme that I'm intentionally writing! I very much want to discuss the act of being something different, of not just being a variation of human but of being something entirely of your own. I want to talk about how she navigates landfolk society, which uses human as the norm, and the long, long, long list of problems that it causes her because her body isn't what is expected nor wanted. It's worsened her chronic illness and pain significantly, it's directly endangered her, it produces pronounced mental effects and depression, people make weird comments about her and her body, people treat her differently and like an animal, people have strange and intrusive fears about her, it's supposed to point out all of these things, and they don't work as well if she has any more humanoid form as a real option! I'm making a point about the depth of difference that exists between the human and nonhuman, and about how a lack of understanding and acceptance of that is just going to harm both parties.

[rune-tisms]

I NEED TO KNOW THE BACKSTORY OF REESE PLEASE

NO WAY OMG SOMEONE CARES ABT MY STUPID INSERT OC IM SO HAPPYYYY

i literally wrote a whole google doc about him i’ll just paste it here lmao

cw for a suicide attempt (not detailed though)

reese has lived in gotham for his whole life, but when his parents died in a car crash when he was 12 years old, he was promptly moved to the gotham city orphanage. it was there that he met edward nashton. they didn’t immediately become friends, as reese had become quite the trouble maker and frequently got into fights with the other children, but edward warmed up to him eventually. reese was the only one who actually spoke kindly to edward, which caused edward to get somewhat attached to him. once they became friends, reese quickly got very attached to edward and they were practically inseparable. reese even stopped getting into fights and found himself able to better cope with his loss due to having edward around. they would remain friends until reese was 16; their friendship would end with a nasty argument that removed both of them from speaking terms. it would begin with edward wishing for some space from reese, and reese feeling hurt by this and lashing out by accusing edward of being the reason he has no other friends at the orphanage, and from there it would just get worse and worse until it ended with both of them storming away from each other and never speaking or even being within 5 feet of each other ever again.

reese would go on to immediately join the workforce, never keeping jobs for long but making enough money to afford a shitty apartment in the slums of gotham. his mental health declined significantly and he even attempted suicide when he was 23, but was unsuccessful. the trip to the hospital caused him to become even less financially stable, so he had to take up multiple jobs at the same time, and this in turn worsened his mental health even more. he scraped by every day, barely a shell of a person, until one day he stumbled across one of the riddler’s online clues and managed to get into his community. reese found hope in the riddler’s promise of a real change, and found himself obsessing over who the person behind the mask really was. riddler had practically saved his life by pulling him out of his depressive stupor, so naturally his damaged brain latched onto him and pulled him into a parasocial relationship with this strange online figure. however, he was far too anxious to try and form an actual connection with the man or even make himself a prominent figure in his community. he settled for snippets of the riddler from his livestreams and posts, all the while wishing they could meet in person. it’s likely that, subconsciously, reese picked up on similarities between his childhood friend edward and the riddler, though he never was able to make that connection outright until edward was caught and detained and his identity was revealed on the news. as riddler enacted his plan, reese was unable to find it within himself to care that riddler was a murderer; he was in too deep already. he was simply another follower. it’s not as though reese wasn’t inclined to violence himself, anyway.

regarding the batman, reese isn’t very interested in him, and is, in fact, more jealous of him than anything. he wishes that he was doing something that could cause the riddler to be as interested in him as he was in the batman. in fact, reese often fantasized about being the batman himself, simply because he wants to be noticed and loved by the riddler.

during the flooding of gotham, luckily reese’s apartment complex was far enough away from the sea wall to suffer minimal damage. it was, however, at this point that reese began to question his loyalty to the riddler, but by this time it’d already been revealed to him that the riddler was edward nashton. he was able to sympathize with edward and his cause even more due to knowing him personally, and so mentally excused all of his actions. besides, it would be immensely painful for reese to discard his obsession since it was practically the only thing keeping him alive; edward/the riddler was the only thing that mattered anymore.

he begins to daydream about freeing riddler from arkham, but he knows he’s not smart enough to actually achieve such a feat. he hopes edward can free himself, and since edward has always been smarter than him, has hope that he can actually do it. this is where reese is at currently; waiting for edward to escape so he can finally reunite with him after all this time.

i hope you find it interesting anon thank you so much for asking :D

also, this is only one possible backstory for him, i have too many ideas 😭 if you wanna know more you can totally dm me :3 or just send another ask ofc!

[alandemoss]

Exploring Neurodivergence and Spirituality: Matthew's Story, Personal Struggles, and a Journey to Inclusive Faith

Introduction: Uncovering the Intersection of Neurodivergence and Spirituality

Matthew the tax collector, as depicted in The Chosen, offers a fascinating exploration of neurodivergence within a religious context. This portrayal resonates deeply with my personal experiences of addiction, mental health struggles, and a profound spiritual transformation. My journey through religious intolerance in Calvinistic Southern Baptist churches not only exacerbated my struggles with alcoholism and depression but also highlighted the need for a more inclusive understanding of neurodivergence and spirituality. This article explores how Matthew’s neurodivergence parallels my experiences and how a recent spiritual encounter reshaped my approach to faith and healing.

Matthew’s Neurodivergence in The Chosen

A Modern Take on Autism in Ancient Times

In The Chosen, Matthew is portrayed with characteristics commonly associated with autism spectrum disorder. His intense focus on numbers, social awkwardness, and flat emotional affect reflect a neurodivergent perspective. This modern depiction provides valuable insights into how autistic traits might have manifested in Biblical, historical contexts.

Matthew’s role as a tax collector required exceptional numerical skills and meticulous attention to detail, traits often associated with neurodivergent individuals. His social difficulties and emotional detachment mirror challenges faced by many today. This nuanced portrayal offers a fresh perspective on inclusion and acceptance, challenging traditional views within religious communities.

Personal Reflection: Neurodivergence and Social Isolation

My own neurodivergent traits closely align with Matthew’s depiction. Traits such as intense focus and analytical skills have been assets in my life, but they have also led to social isolation. My deep immersion in research and learning, or my special interests, often made it challenging for others to connect with me, reflecting Matthew’s struggles in The Chosen.

For instance, my difficulty in grasping social nuances and my intense focus on specific interests often left me feeling disconnected from others. This parallels Matthew’s experiences and underscores the need for greater empathy and understanding within both religious and social environments. Have you ever felt like an outsider because of traits others couldn’t understand?

How Religious Intolerance Worsens Mental Health Challenges

The Harmful Effects of Rigid Doctrines

The intolerance I faced within Calvinistic Southern Baptist churches significantly impacted my struggles with alcoholism, addiction, depression, and anxiety. The rigid doctrines, including predestination and the concept of "the elect," created an environment of exclusion and judgment. This atmosphere not only failed to address my mental health challenges but also deepened my sense of inadequacy and isolation.

At one point during my 25 years in the church, I began to question whether I was ever "saved." Around the age of 12, many of my peers claimed to have experienced the Holy Spirit, yet I felt nothing. When I voiced my concerns to my father and the preacher, I was told I was simply "doubting" my faith. This experience left me feeling alienated and forced me to wear a mask of belief I didn't feel. Have you ever felt pressured to fit into a religious mold that didn't feel right to you?

A Personal Story of Judgment and Misunderstanding

One vivid memory from my time in the church occurred when I was volunteering at a nursing home. My flat affect led a deacon to suggest that I might be possessed by demons because he couldn’t see the "joy of the Lord" in me. This harsh judgment reflects the broader issue of religious intolerance and its impact on neurodivergent individuals. How often do neurodivergent traits go misunderstood, leading to unwarranted judgment and exclusion? Experiences like this underline the urgent need for a more compassionate and understanding approach within religious communities.

From Despair to Spiritual Awakening: A Journey of Healing

Overcoming Addiction and Finding Faith Through Grace

After a long and dark journey, I experienced a profound spiritual encounter during a meditation session that marked a turning point in my life. Despite my earlier skepticism, this experience with Jesus provided a renewed sense of hope and purpose. It challenged the dogmatic beliefs I had been taught, leading me to reconsider my approach to faith and healing. It’s clear to me that had I stayed within the confines of the churches I once knew, I would have never experienced such a transformation.

This encounter with Jesus has been life-changing, offering a new perspective on faith that emphasizes grace, acceptance, and personal connection. Unlike the rigid doctrines of my past, which I deconstructed, this renewed understanding of spirituality focuses on the unique challenges each individual faces. Has there been a moment in your life where your perception of faith was completely transformed?

Matthew’s Journey: Lessons in True Christian Compassion and Inclusion

Matthew’s Story as a Reflection of True Christian Values

Matthew’s journey from a despised tax collector to a respected disciple serves as a powerful reminder of the inclusive and compassionate nature of true Christianity. Jesus’ acceptance of Matthew, despite his marginalized status, highlights the importance of embracing diversity and recognizing the inherent value of every individual, regardless of their traits or circumstances.

The portrayal of Matthew in The Chosen reinforces this message by presenting a neurodivergent perspective that challenges traditional notions of worth and inclusion. It encourages viewers to rethink their perceptions of neurodivergent individuals and embrace a more empathetic and understanding approach to faith. How might our communities change if we approached faith and inclusion with the same compassion Jesus showed?

Conclusion: Embracing Inclusion and Compassion in Faith

The intersection of neurodivergence, religious intolerance, and personal struggle highlights the need for a more inclusive and compassionate approach to spirituality. Matthew’s portrayal in The Chosen provides valuable insights into the challenges faced by neurodivergent individuals within religious contexts, while my personal journey underscores the impact of intolerance on mental health and well-being.

By embracing the true spirit of Christianity—one that values grace, acceptance, and personal connection—we can create faith communities that support and uplift all individuals, regardless of their differences. This renewed understanding of faith offers hope and healing for those who have faced exclusion and judgment, providing a path toward redemption and recovery. How can we, as individuals and communities, work toward creating more inclusive and compassionate spaces for everyone?

Call to Action

If you’ve experienced similar struggles with neurodivergence, mental health, or religious intolerance, you're not alone. Let’s start a conversation about healing and inclusion by sharing our experiences and insights.

In hope, with Christ,

Sharing Heaven

Bible verses and definitions used in this article can be found below.

Jesus' Words on Faith, Inclusion, and Compassion: Answering Critics with Biblical Truth

1. Question: What is the greatest commandment?

Answer: "‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." – Matthew 22:37-40

2. Question: Why should we not judge others?

Answer: "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." – Matthew 7:1-2

3. Question: How should we treat people who are different from us?

Answer: "In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." – Matthew 7:12

4. Question: What did Jesus say about religious leaders who exclude others?

Answer: "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to." – Matthew 23:13

5. Question: How should we treat people who are marginalized or different?

Answer: "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." – Matthew 25:40

6. Question: What should we do when we feel burdened and weighed down?

Answer: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." – Matthew 11:28-29

7. Question: Is it wrong to question tradition or religious doctrine?

Answer: "Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition. You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you: ‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules.’" – Matthew 15:6-9

8. Question: How does Jesus offer forgiveness and acceptance?

Answer: "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost." – Luke 19:10

9. Question: What is Jesus’ view on wealth and power?

Answer: "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." – Matthew 19:24

10. Question: Can we find peace and overcome fear through faith in Jesus?

Answer: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." – John 14:27

The Ultimate Promise: A 100% Biblical Guarantee from the Words of Jesus

Every word spoken here is from the mouth of Jesus, the Son of God, who guarantees eternal life to those who believe in Him. His words are the foundation of truth and offer the promise of grace, peace, and inclusion to all who follow Him.

"Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." - Matthew 24:35

Defining Key Terms: Essential Concepts in Neurodivergence, Spirituality, and Faith

Neurodivergence: A term used to describe individuals whose neurological development and functioning are atypical, often including conditions such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and others. Neurodivergent individuals process information and experience the world differently from neurotypical people.

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD): A developmental disorder that affects communication, behavior, and social interaction. Individuals with ASD may have difficulty with social cues, exhibit repetitive behaviors, and have specific interests or intense focus on certain subjects.

Religious Intolerance: The unwillingness to accept or respect beliefs, practices, or people that differ from one's own religious views. In the article's context, it refers to rigid, dogmatic beliefs that exclude or judge individuals based on their perceived adherence to religious doctrine.

Calvinism: A branch of Protestant theology associated with John Calvin that emphasizes predestination, the belief that God has already chosen who will be saved, and that human free will plays no role in salvation.

Predestination: The religious doctrine that God has already determined the fate of every individual, particularly regarding salvation and eternal life, independent of their actions or decisions.

Dogma: A set of principles or beliefs that are accepted by members of a particular group without question. In religious contexts, it refers to doctrines that are viewed as authoritative and infallible.

Deconstruction (in religious context): The process of critically examining and questioning long-held religious beliefs, doctrines, and traditions, often leading to a reassessment or rejection of previous faith practices.

Spiritual Awakening: A profound realization or experience that leads to a deeper understanding of one’s spirituality or connection to a higher power. It often involves a transformation of beliefs, emotions, and perspectives on life.

Mental Health: A person’s emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how people think, feel, and act, and can be influenced by factors such as stress, trauma, or genetics.

Grace: In Christian theology, grace refers to the unearned and unconditional love and favor of God toward humans. It is often seen as the means by which people receive salvation and forgiveness.

Special Interest (Autism): A term used to describe an intense focus on a particular subject or activity, which is often a defining characteristic of individuals with autism spectrum disorder.

Exclusion: The act of intentionally or unintentionally leaving someone out or marginalizing them. In religious contexts, it can refer to individuals being alienated due to not conforming to specific beliefs or behaviors.

Empathy: The ability to understand and share the feelings of another person, often regarded as a critical component of building inclusive and supportive communities.

Faith: Trust or belief in a higher power, deity, or set of religious teachings. Faith often involves acceptance of concepts that cannot be seen or proven.

Spirituality: A broad concept that may or may not involve religion, spirituality encompasses a sense of connection to something greater than oneself, often involving a search for meaning, purpose, and peace.

[doelet444]

sui ideation tw | I absolutely don’t mean to be triggering if this may be sensitive for you, if so please skip this read.

These past 5 years have been very painful and things aren’t going to get better. I have been weighing in on if it’s really worth it, and it’s not, but I stay because I don’t want to hurt my mom and the few people left in my life. Living with schizo-affective bipolar, panic disorder, endometriosis, immunodeficiency, pots, chronic fatigue, gastroperesis, nerve damage throughout my body that has caused a multitude of problems, I’m worried I may have stomach cancer and am going in for an endoscopy in 5 days, have been in severe pain for months. The endometriosis and the cysts, the intense chest pains and heart attack scares from pots, my stomach issues, my psychiatric issues & psychosis, have all put me in the hospital multiple times and when I’m not in a crisis I’m rotting in bed. I went from being a physically very healthy kid to a 22 year old in a wheelchair so fast.

They always say “it gets better, don’t give up” there are ups and downs, but I have been suffering from panic attacks since I was little, depression began at age 9-10, I have been persistently struggling for more than half my life, circumstances progressively and rapidly worsening. People who say “it gets better” may have not been in a major depressive episode for 5, 10, years or even decades straight. I have been heavily medicated since i was 15 and I can say my depression is completely treatment resistant. I have tried every method under the sun aside from electroconvulsive therapy. It hasn’t gone away no matter what I’ve done, my illness is parasitically ingrained into my DNA, which is why I’m a bit of an antinatalist, anyway, My brain is fried and foggy from all the meds, I’m a zombie but utterly unstable and experience severe withdrawal without them (thanks big pharma)

It frustrates me when ppl say “they took the easy way out” or “they were a complete coward to do that” but a lot of people genuinely wait years deciding and weighing in all of their years of physical, emotional and psychological pain, logically knowing it will be like this for the rest of their life, and decide to free themselves of it all. I absolutely do not advocate for it, but I empathize so much and would never blame victims. Not everyone who commits is delusional-y impulsive and selfish about it as people try to make it out to be.

Having bipolar, even when I’m having stable day, I always have the guarantee that it will always become significantly worse and stability does not last. Knowing that often puts me in a persistent sense of dread and anxiety, I don’t feel that I can ever be at peace. it’s just how living with the illness is.

Living through this I’ve firmly come to believe one of two things, either god isn’t real, or if god exists, he is an incredibly cruel entity.

To be clear this isn’t me saying goodbye or anything, I just really, really wish I was gone. I’ll keep living until it’s my time but this is exhausting. Apologies for sounding so un-demure I’m just feeling like, actually really really bad lately.

[can-of-w0rmz]

Realising that people only want to be around you when you’re entertaining to them, when you’re in the middle of a depressive spiral and general considerably worsening mental state, is. Oooh. It’s not a fun one.

I’ll be honest, I’m pretty tired of constantly trying to put myself forward to people who are supposed to be my friends, for years and years now, as someone who’s way more lighthearted than I actually am. I’m also very tired of everyone around me, genuinely, again, for almost my entire life, to expect me to immediately get over everything bad that’s ever happened within a day. I also don’t really know how to get it through peoples heads that “mental breakdown and long ranting =/= “out of my system”, “mental breakdown and long ranting = beginning of much worse spiral if left alone with it”.

Shockingly, if multiple events permanently have changed the way I perceive and view the world, and being reminded of them, which I have been recently, causes me genuine psychological distress, rising anxiety and nightmares, then no, mentioning it once around people who just kind of barely put a word in or try to say anything about it won’t fucking cure it, obviously.

Of course since I’m venting here, I’m not saying there isn’t merit in venting, but I am saying that I feel like this whole culture around it that’s kind of developed makes it seem like the whole “a problem shared is a problem halved!” approach is an all-round fixer. Like yeah, smaller problems or less long-term problems can probably be significantly lessened by it, like I’m doing now, but massive life-changing issues can’t be, and Christ sometimes it just feels like I need more than “you can vent any time if you want”, which I appreciate, and which I barely get from the people around me in itself, but like. I’m kind of on the verge of a proper breakdown here? And I don’t want to bring that into my internet stuff, and I don’t want to put too many details into the open about that, but I mean the only reason I’m saying it is because I keep trying to make it as clear as I can in my personal life and it won’t work. And I don’t know why it won’t work. I just need more support than I’m getting from anyone, and I’m not asking for that here at all, really it’s the kind of support I can only get from a proper consistent irl relationship, but I just need to say it because I feel like I’m losing my mind a bit.

I just can’t keep pretending around people to make them like me. I just wish the people I love actually saw me the same way.

[selectivechaos]

social factors in social anxiety

this is a kind of long post because im just blabbing and i really fucking love sociology.

but i wanted to talk with some nuance about how changes in environment can alleviate and worsen situational mutism. 🌹🌹

i had a post a while back that i cannot find or fully remember. but it was about how situational mutism can improve and it was basically critiquing the idea that selectively mute people above a certain age cannot get better.

generally on my blog i have critiqued the misconception that someone can simply ‘grow out of’ a mental disorder or that selective mutism is a ‘childhood’ disorder which can only develop in childhood. these are misconceptions.

in that particular post i think i talked about how sudden changes in life circumstances and in the general social situations an individual is in can lead to the alleviation of their selective mutism. i can’t remember if i put it in the post, but at the time i was scared that this wouldn’t happen for me. it was right before moving to a different city to study at a different university away from where i had lived all my life.

i was scared to believe in a magical ‘cure’ for all ills despite my therapist at the time expressing hope that it would be. and i didn’t (and still don’t) believe it’s fair to pin all hope on a life change to uproot all anxieties and change an individual’s core condition (firmly-held beliefs about the self such as ‘i’m not good enough’ or ‘i deserve less’).

it’s not fair on the person for whom it might not happen, or on the person for whom a major change in their life makes their sm worse, or for the person whose sm gets better but their hard work in resolving those cognitive distortions and reducing their anxiety is overruled as simply a ‘change in environment’.

but i want to say that it can always get better. no matter your age or how long you’ve struggled with mental illnesses, or whether or not your life circumstances change, it can always get better. and i also want to say that it is always hard, and your anxiety may never be fully ‘gone’ or significantly reduced no matter how hard you work at it because sometimes the environment really is a crucial part of the problem.

cultures of bullying exist,

dangerous areas with higher rates of anti-social behaviour exist,

areas you grew up in where you have memories of bullying but can’t afford to leave exist.

sometimes, and for some people, (and this is the sociologist in me speaking), there are more situations that can provoke social anxiety triggers. that doesn’t mean you can’t reduce your anxiety or work on your cognitive distortions. it just means that it is harder.

i am gonna talk in another post about how changes in environment can be actually pretty magical in alleviating social anxiety particularly because of the significance of social factors in mental illness.

but i did want to start off with this ridiculously long post to just highlight that nothing is a magical ‘cure-all’ and that just because i highlight social factors in mental illness, it doesn’t mean i am not an advocate for the notion that working hard enough or having enough ‘initiative’ to change your life or push outside your comfort zone can cure you. in fact, i hope this post demonstrates how focusing on the social factors actually leads to the conclusion that many things are above and beyond the control of the individual in terms of their life circumstances. meaning that you have agency but your mental illness is never in any way your ‘fault’ and often people like to blame the individual or their phone. saying like people with depression are ‘too lazy’ or people with anxiety are ‘too shy’ or ‘not trying enough’. which is bullshit.

if u read this far have a nice day and uhhhhh fuck social anxiety🌹🌹

[blackwaxidol]

The sense that psychiatry as a field is rather skewed, nitpicky and in some cases disconnected with reality comes about as an obvious thought when you are a teenager discussing your issues, and with time you hear two medical professionals throw about various words between you and themselves. You consider these and wonder if there is something lacking, if your symptoms can be aligned with so much.

Borderline Personality, Bipolar, Schizotypal, Schizoid... yet ultimately choosing a keenness to just examine it as anxiety and depression—which irritated me. Yes, certainly... I have the excruciating anxiety of a schizotype and a schizoid's apathy and disinterest in people and how forcing speech feels like drowning, a borderine's uncontrolled emotional intensity, but if you are taking so much from so many different places... then what at all does it really mean or matter?

It seemed obvious to treat my symptoms. This did not occur, because the desired treatment for depression did not affect me, as I knew it wouldn't. I humoured a few different medications for the sake of leverage... I do that a lot with doctors, you play their little games so that your compliance makes your opinions rather level-headed when the time comes that you can express them. I didn't mind being fucked about with medication, what made me the most difficult was when I was invited to... whatever it was, cognitive behavioural therapy.

Useless, useless... I am not a good talker, I have never found a point in discussing myself with a therapist because it does nothing for me. What am I supposed to feel? Accomplished? I don't hate that therapist or those psychiatrists, it means nothing to me. Unserious profession. Before I was discharged one of my last meetings was during my breakdown in 2018, I told my therapist about my homicidal ideation. The gormless response is "Did you do it?" and it has cemented the notion that there is no consideration of the "why". Why was I so unstable? Why was this my reaction? No thought whatsoever. Had I divulged my childhood I would have gotten a diagnosis of PTSD instead, equally useless in my eyes. What afterwards? More talking therapy? More obligatory speech and worksheets that I care not for..? I always asked directly what the point of this exercise was. I don't remember the answer.

Whatever. I don't feel any particular way about this, it doesn't light a fire under my ass to want to talk antipsychiatry. I read discussions about it from one mutual and that is fine by me. I don't mean to sound disinterested, but the kind of social apathy or anhedonia has never left me and in a lot of ways has worsened significantly. I don't have any mutuals newer than a few years, because I have grown deeply disinterested in getting to know new people, I mention this already to some extent but it would warrant its own post to describe in full.

This post has no point to give, or not one that I am able to see, just a thought of mine I have had for years that I am ready to shelve.

[adelle-ein]

rambling about the ocd

so yeah yesterday not only did my ocd therapist tell me i have the highest ocd score she's ever seen (and like, she is not a new or inexperienced practitioner by any means) she told me that apparently a lot of my thought and behavior patterns are obsessive-compulsive. and a lot of them tie back to really extreme morality ocd, which actually explains a lot about the ways i've acted my entire life that were just brushed off as weird/quirky/generically anxious. even my other ocd "types" (contamination, etc) are all manifestations of severe morality ocd (i fear various forms of contamination because it makes me immoral, essentially) (that's fun).

i really didn't think it was that bad. i didn't think it was especially bad at all, truth be told, just one of the many diagnoses that make up my weirdness. but actually it's probably been the root cause for everything all along, including stuff i dismissed as just my own weirdness, like the extreme sensory processing stuff that's developed lately (fwiw i bought some new water bottles and significantly improved my hydration so working towards recovery on that). but since i don't have any compulsions that cause myself visible physical harm i didn't think it could be Real ocd. like i don't handwash to a dangerous level or self harm or starve myself, so i thought it was okay (nvm that i have caused myself extreme and permanent-feeling mental damage lol)

i've been perpetually exhausted, 24/7, since i was fourteen. because my brain's been at constant war with itself and still is and inhibits everything i do. because every single action i take is like moving through a molasses of obsessive thoughts and finishing compulsive rituals. my self esteem is somewhere in the marianas trench bc i feel like i'm constantly violating moral norms 24/7. the drugs that allow me even basic function worsen the fatigue and the brain fog and the weakness, but i need them or i literally can't stop doing compulsions. like if they stop making it or something i would need 24/7 care from my parents again bc i wouldn't be able to feed myself or shower or sleep.

i had been wondering a lot the last couple of years if i was autistic, especially with the sensory stuff, but it's now dawning on me that i just have the absolute worst fucking ocd that manifests itself in literally every aspect of my behavior and thought patterns. it looks very autistic on a surface level and gets me a high raads-r score, but probably isn't. like i could still be autistic, sure, but it's most likely that i just have incredibly severe ocd with every "less common" side effect known to man - sensory issues, routine and planning, social anxiety, stimming, etc etc. i did know that ocd/autism/adhd symptom overlap is huge but not that it was this huge.

none of this really changes anything, like i still need treatment, she's still gonna see me, but like, fucking hell. even i had been downplaying how sick i was, and probably still am, like even now i'm like well it can't be THAT bad i'm not dead :) but it is that bad. it's insanely bad. it's far worse than the "well everyone's kinda anxious and depressed right?" standard i keep tricking myself into believing i am. even now i'm STILL fucking questioning it bc i see people with ocd who seem so much worse than me but really i think that's more about what people are willing to put on the internet....i do not share my worst obsessions and compulsions generally and even when speaking privately to people i still downplay things heavily, i just can't do it. i'm extremely good at masking and hiding and downplaying because i've been doing it my whole life and a lot of my compulsive behaviors look pretty normal from the outside...but they're still very bad and the obsession levels are out of control high. and i've been doing so badly lately that i've had to step back from social media a lot because literally everything is a severe trigger at this point, from fandom drama to serious political stuff, because i get caught in a severe mental morality feedback loop every time i see something that can trigger it which is now a lot of things. but the stepping back also triggers a morality loop wheeeeeee (i see a ukraine flag emoji and have to sit there processing extremely distressing Moral Thoughts about ukraine and the war, for like...a while. to give you an idea of how severe it's gotten and why i've absolutely had to go quiet and careful with how i interact with pretty much everything, esp online where extreme positions are really common. i'm also really prone to picking up other people's anxieties and compulsions rn so again have to be SUPER careful what i look at - a tumblr poll about cleaning habits or similar can trigger compulsive behavior...)

it would be super cool if the ssa had cared about any of this but that ship's long sailed and they don't believe in or speak with therapists anyway (at least not in my state, they refused to even contact my therapist for the review they kicked me out over. even MD mental health practitioners aren't really exempt, they treated my psychiatrist incredibly rudely...)

but yeah no wonder i'm so dysfunctional and struggling so badly if i'm this abnormally ill ig

[greenstudies]

The glow up journey

As I work towards bettering myself I noticed my mental health worsening significantly. I thought "oh man I just started this journey to lose weight and this depressive episode is making it difficult" but I recently realised that this whole "journey" was the first symptom of my mental health getting bad again. I don't feel good or healthy. I feel stressed and heavy and not deserving of food and that is just a side effect of mental illness. That is not a glow up journey.

It feels like I'm back to zero but healing comes first...