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#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age
purpurussy
·
1 month
Text
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#tw suicide
#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT
#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone
#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess
#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.
#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm
#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing
#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭
#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse
#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house
#and then what the fuck is the point.
#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like
#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age
#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me
#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently
#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.
#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me
#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship
#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation
#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself
#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons
#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks
#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.
#it's just completely over for me i fear
#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly
#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point
#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have
#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona
#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem
#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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