#and then i said to him well no. but im a psychologist and i feel i have ptsd but theres no formal diagnosis

[joyridingmp3]

have to wake up early tomorrow to drop my sister at the station, then get my ultrasound done, and then go to my job interview after. feels like a good night to listen to the cure

[luvvixu]

mind over matter pt. 1

synopsis: witness how your marriage was bound to fall apart with you on the front seat and your husband gojo had missed the show—now, he gotta figure out the story on his own.

tags: arrange marriage au, angst, husband!gojo, mean!gojo, mention of blood, miscarriage, strong languages, some unsettling scenarios, emotional trauma, read at your own risk

a/n: y'all, im back after ghosting this page for way too lonh cuz im on my process of taking psychology. yep! this random bitch is up for being a psychologist despite her mental health place amidst the fluctuating status. and you know what's crazy? my sanity is slowly decomposing! all thanks to that one mf and one chapter in which im not going to name about (gege and jjk chapter 261)

previous / masterlist / next

it all started when he started caring for you.

after being inside an arranged marriage for like five years, satoru was confident with himself that he doesn't need a wife to console his woes as he is perfectly capable all by himself.

to say the least, the start of your marriage was a definition of an absolute disaster. clearly, you and satoru were like a magnet in the same pole, it can never collide despite how many efforts you push on both magnets.

from fights, misunderstanding, up to almost divorce after you caught him kissing another girl when you decided to give him a visit during his mission.

you were hurt, yes. but you would always tell yourself that neither of you want this marriage, so being hurt when there's no even love is called invalid. yet, you can't still help it but to feel somewhat jealous because he was supposed to be your husband—but oh well.

your family begged you to stay as it was for the peace of mind and safety of your clan. you snorted sarcastically as you wondered if they ever cared for your personal peace of mind and safety also.

nevertheless, you still stay inside this loveless marriage and maintain the gojo surname. you forgive him even though he's not explaining himself nor asking for your forgiveness.

as for satoru, he's aware that he's being a dick to you. his reason is that this marriage was his least priority as it was a hindrance for him. so basically and truth may hurt, he thinks you're only a hindrance and a distraction from the higher ups.

there were times where he would bury himself with work so he doesn't have to go to his original home and breathe the same air as you.

there were also times where he spent almost two months without seeing you or even communicating with you. it was like you didn't exist in his life nor he doesn't have a wife!

although, he is not that cruel to the point that he would slam the fact in your face. no, he's just leaving his presence until you feel it yourself that he doesn't want you.

his shenanigans would continue for almost a year until that night occurred.

that night when it was your wedding anniversary and he came home very late after fighting some annoying curse. he took a swearing underneath his breath when the stinky smell of curse blood hit his nose.

scrunching up as he was about to proceed to his own room (despite being married, you two sleep in a separate room) to clean up when he saw you up by the garden. you are currently watching how your little seedlings grow into beautiful flowers swaying along the air with a calm look on your face.

your husband broke the silence by asking you what are you doing this late. in which you replied that you couldn't sleep as you slowly looked at him.

satoru watched your face, it did not even flinch with any kind of emotion—nothing, just nothing. you're basically acting like a robot to him, and he hates it.

"i'll prepare a warm bath for you." you mumbled, standing on your feet and was about to leave when he grabbed your arm.

"i heard what happened earlier." satoru said slowly, as if he's being careful on his words which was very out of character for him.

"really? great." detaching from his hold, you left him no chance and instantly left.

"y/n." the man followed you until both of you reached the bathroom. you paid him no attention and just did the usual things you do, prepare him a bath.

"talk to me, please." his tone becomes soft, pleading. turning the water on, you refused to turn around, you refused to make physical contact with him, you refused to let him see the tears brimming in your eyes.

"go on. say what you want to say. i'm listening." you mentally curse yourself for almost stuttering. satoru looked at you, eyes finally unveiling an emotion. he aches to hold you for some reason but to think that he doesn't want to upset you even further, he stops. all he can do is watch you serve him.

"do you want to keep it?" he asked quietly, his ocean blue eyes dropping on your stomach. getting uncomfortable, you tried to hide it.

splash, splash, splash, you did not answer him.

"i said, do you want to keep it?" satoru asked once again. this time, his voice was a bit louder than before.

"i don't know. do you want to?" you asked him back the question, quietly.

your husband went quiet. having a child is not part of your plan but you have to because that's your purpose of marrying him, to bear an heir. now, satoru was asking you nicely if you want to keep it when in the first place, it should happen this way.

"how many months?"

"two."

"and you didn't tell me?"

"do you want to know?"

"of course i want to know. that's literally my child in there." he pointed to your belly with a slight frustration on his face.

you did not say anything back, just continuing your duties as his wife—wife on papers. satoru was growing upset, tired, even angry at you. where was the talkative and fierce look that you have? where's the harshness in your voice? why do you look so vulnerable now?

"you can take a bath now. i'll be downstairs to prepare you dinner."

"y/n, wait—"

*slam*

before satoru could even stop you, you already left, leaving him in all silence. the husband heaves a deep sigh within him as he recollects the events prior to this day. he remembers how he acted when he discovered to ijichi that you went to the hospital and went back home with a pregnancy result in your pocket.

satoru remembers almost getting killed by the special curse when the news caught him totally off guard. you two only have intercourse when both are drunk after coming home from shoko's birthday and that's it. you also told him that you were on pills so he's relieved. but how?

what if—

no, no, no. you wouldn't. you wouldn't do that to him. you are his little loyal wife and even though both of you aren't on good terms, he trusted your loyalty…or was he? were you?

everything was so messed up that he couldn't think of anything even after taking a shower and now he's on his way downstairs to eat dinner. once he was in the kitchen, he saw you almost absentmindedly cutting the vegetables.

satoru took a seat, quietly. he was watching you as your back was facing him. his six eyes weren't dumb to notice how much weight you are slowly losing. unconsciously, satoru was clutching his fists tightly.

"i bought you your favorite milk tea. it's in the fridge, you can drink it later." your voice seemingly dropped him from his daze. satoru looked at you once more, only to find out that you're still not facing him back.

"o…okay, thanks."

minutes later, you place a plate of curry in front of him. satoru noticed that there's only one plate on the table, which was his.

"where's your meal?"

"i already ate." oh right, it was literally midnight now. you should be asleep by now, yet here you are, serving your husband. also, why does it seem like satoru was hoping to eat dinner with you? it is unusual, to be honest.

for your five years of marriage, you two would only eat together for formal matters. but with a simple domestic setting like this, there's no way a peace would occur if the two of you shared a table and a meal.

while he is eating, satoru watches you grab the said milk tea from the fridge and place it in front of him. "just leave the dishes on the sink. i'll wash them later." and with that, you left the dining room.

the food was great, it was very delicious. satoru can't deny that you're great at cooking, and you really have a specialty when it comes to curry like this. but why does this meal taste bitter? perhaps, was it because of the taste of his conscience? he doesn't know.

the six eyes ate in silence. he was planning to talk to you later about everything. but anyway, satoru has been eyeing the milk tea you bought for him. now this wasn't unusual. everytime you would go out, you would always buy him some of his favorites, mostly food.

like there's a time where you bought him his favorite mochi, crepe cakes, churros, ice creams—basically every dessert or food stalls you happened to pass by. it warms his heart, though. there's also a time where he anticipated what kind of sweet delicacy you would give him next.

anyway, satoru finished eating his meal. he was drinking the milk tea you gave to him while searching for you. he saw you sitting on the same spot when he first saw you this evening, by the patio of your garden. silently, satoru took a seat beside you with a mindful distance between you two.

"can we talk?" he started. in which you reply with a soft hum. satoru finds himself gulping, he sets aside his drink first before mimicking your posture—wrapping his arms on his folded legs.

"so um, since there's a baby now…i'd like to discuss this matter with you, properly. i was thinking about…moving you in one of the jujustu high's dorms." satoru nibbles the straw of the sugary drink, absentmindedly.

"it's for safety measures, since i'm not always at home and the risk will be doubled by now. but if you're inside the campus, a lot of sorcerers would be able to protect you." he added.

"okay." you did not even question him or even argue with him, you just simply agree without a second thought.

the man could feel himself gulping, the bitterness increasing despite the sweet liquid he was drinking. he's starting to get uncomfortable the way you are currently acting.

also, come to think of it, you agreed to temporarily live in jujustu high—does that mean you are keeping the baby? satoru couldn't help but to finally ask you.

"d…does that mean—"

"the baby has nothing to do with us. i'm not that cruel to take its life." before satoru could beat you, you already beat him.

"when will i be moving out?"

satoru gulped the growing rare anxiousness down to his throat. "probably next week. give me some time to deliver this news to the higher ups." you just mumbled an okay as your response.

"y/n, are you really sure about this?" the man couldn't really pinpoint your decision. although you made it explicit, he still couldn't comprehend you.

"i'm okay with anything. it's just you who didn't. also, if you are planning to ask me about keeping the child once again, go ask yourself instead. your decision is my decision." you replied.

satoru made a mental note that your voice sounds more tired than before. it kinda ignited something that he was not used to feeling before as literally a man-god himself who's full of pride.

"i'll be resting now. have a good night." he did not stop you, in fact, he thinks it's for the better. satoru could only follow you by his gaze as you enter your own room.

yes, your own room. the two of you did not share the same room. you two couldn't even bear to eat together, what more on sleeping together. this is not what satoru meant when he asked you to talk. but oh well, guess he should also call this a night. with that, satoru retreated to his own room and slept.

fast forward, you moved to jujutsu high and started teaching as a history teacher in a world full of related curses(suggested by satoru) since you're an alumni at this school like your husband. you like that idea too since it's a great way to distract yourself from everything.

currently, you are watching your third year students train themselves along with the second years and the first years. it was quite a good sight since all of them have a nice and strong potential as a sorcerer.

suddenly, one of your husband's students came to you with a big smile on his face. that must be yuuji, the vessel for the infamous king of curses. you always adored him, he's a good kid. but you couldn't help but to be saddened by the fact that he was literally carrying a big burden over his life.

"y/n sensei, good afternoon!" he waved at you before taking a seat nearby you. behind him, you saw his two other friends—your husband's students too.

"oi, you're being too loud." megumi scolded his friend. he was worried that yuuji's loudness was too much for your situation, your pregnancy.

"it's fine, megumi." you just chuckled. "i have some extra chocolate bars here, you three can have it." the trio thanked you happily, while you just smiled in return.

"by the way, we have a question for you, y/n sensei." yuuji said, munching on the chocolate. you asked him to shoot the question but he suddenly hesitated, looking at his two friends for support.

when he received the support he needed, he took a deep breath. "y/n sensei, we were wondering about your husband a-and…" yuuji trailed off. you already know what he meant, so you didn't wait for him any further.

"oh, i suppose you are curious because you haven't seen my husband even though i technically lived here?" the smile still lingers on your face as you watch them nod their heads.

there's something that you forgot to mention to them, they don't know that their teacher is your husband and the father of your child. you were prepared for a situation like this, though.

megumi on the other hand, could've known this beforehand since satoru took care of him during his childhood. then your marriage came through and your husband was already taking care of megumi, but it was kept a secret to everyone—including him.

stroking your six months belly, a recent hobby of yours when you want to seek some comfort. "he was a busy man. most of his job requires being out of town. but he never fails to shower me with love by making sure that we still communicate despite his busy schedule."

"lately, we've barely talked. yet, he promised me that he will finish all of his jobs and tasks before going home to me. probably that's when our child is about to be born." you sigh just to justify this facade.

the students seem to believe your story. although you're quite worried that they might tell this to gojo and your cover will be blown. you planned to talk about this to him, anyway.

"that must've been hard, y/n sensei." nobara mumbles out of sympathy. she was worried for you and your child due to the absence of your husband.

if only they knew that your experience was much harder.

"you could always come to us, y/n sensei. we will not hesitate to help you and your child." beaming brightly as the other two agreed, you really adore yuuji. the amount of softness he gave to you is something that your future child would like to possess.

"thank you, you three. now, you all better go back to training. i will be heading to shoko since i promised to visit her." watching as the three wave their good-byes to you, you couldn't help but to feel an urge to protect them at all cost. probably due to your maternal instinct but whatever, you just hoped they would stay safe.

another fast forward, you are on your way towards shoko's office to spend your free time. knocking softly on her wooden door, shoko opens the door with a smile on her face.

"how's my little mama doing?" she engulfed you with a hug, which you returned warmly.

"good. the morning sickness did not attack me today, thank goodness." you said as you took a seat on her sofa.

shoko also commented that she was happy too. as mentioned before, stroking your six month old baby bump is a must on a daily basis. you are now used with a thought and feeling of a growing child inside you.

"and how're you and dickhead gojo?" shoko changes the topic.

"we were just fine like i have said before."

your friend heave the deepest sigh you've ever known. "just fine? y/n, do you want me to say the like i have said before too?"

"sho, ever since we knew that we're having a baby, we really tried our best to be compatible with each other. but we just couldn't." it's true, on the exact tomorrow of that eventful night wherein gojo discovers your pregnancy, he tried to make it up to you by lessening the sparkling arguments, making sure you are well feeded, and even showering you with things your eyes would have landed on.

you are delighted, of course. even though he absolutely fails his duty as your husband, at least he's trying his best to be a good father for your child. you appreciate him for that and also start to open your heart and pour a little more trust to him.

however, you are not dumb to notice the faint smell of a female's perfume and lipstick stain on his neck whenever he's with you. your heart slowly closes once again and your little more trust shatters.

once you saw yourself crying silently—feeling betrayed and angry for yourself on trusting him shortly after that. guess old habits never die, you are crying about something you've already expected. self-blaming is an understatement for letting your guard absolutely down.

gojo's still a jerk even though you had his baby. i should've expected this. having a baby doesn't mean he's going to change for me.

"we both tried, sho—we both tried. but we just couldn't." your voice dropped its tone once more. you still felt bitter even if it happened way back like two months ago.

"or he just couldn't." she snorted sarcastically.

you both knew she's right, gojo just couldn't. for years of being married, you unfortunately learned how to love a man like him who doesn't even give a one shit about you. tragic. very fucking tragic. if only you could see yourself directly, you would laugh at her nonstop.

"maybe this marriage is meant to be loveless—"

*slam!*

"yo shoko, i need—oh…" the door suddenly bursts open as it reveals your hot issue for today and probably for the rest, your husband gojo. you could tell that he was also surprised (but he shouldn't be) to see you here in shoko's infirmary.

"learn to fucking knock, gojo." shoko hissed at the white haired male.

"oh sorry. am i interrupting something?" he asked, looking at everything but you. he refused to spare you even a small glance, which you kinda do the same.

"you're not. now what do you need?" shoko was the one who answered him.

before gojo could even open his mouth , you already excused yourself. "i'll be taking my leave now. thanks for the check up, shoko." and then you left, leaving shoko and gojo with an awkward silence.

"aren't you going to talk about your business or maybe you want me to kick you out?" shoko sarcastically made a comment.

"right…" satoru cleared up his throat. for some reason, he doesn't know why he's suddenly getting iffy.

"ho…how's the child doing?"

"you have to be fucking kidding me." shoko groaned loudly. somehow, she expected this, but she couldn't believe that she would actually encounter this.

"y/n was just right there moments ago and you didn't even bother to ask her that yourself?!" the doctor could feel herself getting really annoyed. the truth may hurt but she's getting annoyed by the two of you.

fight here, ignore there—ignore there, fight here.

"bet she told you that we're not on good terms even though we really tried to work it out. yet, you're seemingly acting clueless." satoru snorted sarcastically. he's not dumb that you're telling stories to your friend, shoko.

the doctor rolled her eyes. she was this close from smashing his old friend's face to the wall to wake him up and stop being an idiot. "every fucking time, gojo. but that should not be an excuse to not talk to her. you two are still married for god's sake, and now, there's even a child along the way. i can see how much effort y/n has put in your marriage, you must do the same."

"don't you dare to compare her efforts to mine, you know nothing." he growls.

"but i sure know how shitty you are."

something inside satoru snaps. "why are you being angry at me?! you've been like this since we got married. always defending y/n, but what about me?! i have been your friend since highschool and you just met that girl! wouldn't it be unfair to side with someone whom you just met?!"

"you're asking me that when you have six eyes and yet, you can't see how much she suffers from you?!”

“but what about me? am i not suffering too?!”

how did we get here? things are getting pretty out of hand. two friends getting fired up because of a marriage that was about to fall apart. one being inside the marriage while the other one has the eye inside the marriage.

both shoko and gojo have their own sides but it all leads back to one thing, you are involved.

“you don't know how much pressure i take just because of that fucking marriage. everyday that i woke, another constant nagging from these bastards of higher ups. i'm getting so, so tired and i just want to…”

“just want, what? end your marriage by divorcing her?”

the moment the last syllables escaped her lips, she already knew the answer.

“fucking gojo.” shoko mumbles under her breath. “if you want to fix your life, you better not act dumb.”

satoru was still caught silent. his wide eyes trailed on the floor and unable to move. shoko saw how she hit the point. sighing over herself, she motioned the door. “get out, gojo. if you're gonna rethink your life choices, do it in your home with your wife.”

and with that, without a word, satoru left her clinic feeling heavy and defeated.

along the hallway, he saw you. satoru saw you looking at him with horror in your eyes—for the first time in one month, you finally looked him in the eyes, but it's filled with fear and tears.

“y/n, i—” just like what he had done before he left shoko's clinic, you left without saying a word.

satoru felt everything become hazy, his knees were trembling, his six eyes were stinging, his lips were turning white on how hard he bites them. the man shuddered in disappointment, you must have heard everything.

his feet act on their own and chases you, holding you by the wrist. but it was torn away immediately after you forcefully snatched it back. while doing so, satoru didn't fail to notice the hot tears streaming on your pale face, in which you immediately wiped it out.

“y/n, i-it’s not what you think. i…” as much as satoru would like you to hear himself, he hasn't gotten the words. he was left stuck by his own thoughts and self-doubt that he puts himself into shame.

meanwhile, you thought you could've just walked away from the scene. but from the moment you hear shoko and satoru exchange heated words, it gets you glued to the floor and unable to move. despite her clinic being semi-soundproof, you hear everything. even if you're not there in the room physically, you seemingly know everything.

“you don't know how much pressure i take just because of that fucking marriage.”

“everyday that i woke, another constant nagging from these bastards of higher ups. i'm getting so, so tired and i just want to…”

“y/n,” satoru called your name. his tone was very far from you used to. you grow accustomed to him saying your name venomously, but now it seems like he's saying your name delicately and vulnerable…and satoru hates being vulnerable.

“i know what you're thinking. i accidentally eavesdropped but i didn't t hear everything.” you internally praise yourself for being a great actress. you thank yourself for not stuttering and not sounding so dejected.

but you lied. you're a terrible liar. you heard everything. you heard every single thing that escaped his lips during his argument inside your friend's office. and you feel like dying, his words hurt you so much more than any deadly curses.

“have you eaten already? do you want me to prepare you for a bath?” satoru couldn't understand why the heck you still care for your wife duties when your husband, him, just broke your heart not so long ago?

you're acting absolutely strange in his eyes and he hates it. he hates how you would just bury or bottle your emotions. you're creating a facade and a labyrinth where you keep it by yourself.

“y/n, it's not time for anything. let's just talk please.” you hate it how he sounds like he's begging, but satoru never begs.

“let’s go to my room. let's talk this out—”

“gojo sensei! yaga sensei was looking for y—oh…” yuuji trailed his tracks when he saw you and satoru together.

“dummy! why do you just yell like that?!” megumi bonked his friend's head for interrupting your talk.

wearing your mask again, you smiled at the duo then brushed yourself away from the scene. satoru couldn't stop you any further, you're already away from him.

either way, satoru does the same, he wore his mask just like you. smiling at his students, he let them navigate the way towards yaga and deal with all of his shits so he would have time and talk to you properly this time.

meanwhile, yuuji and megumi were dismissed after they had done their task. nudging his black haired friend, yuuji pointed out things earlier.

“hey, fushiguro. is it just me or did i just see y/n sensei…crying?” he questioned. megumi remained silent because even saw that you were crying—they’re also not dumb to notice the burst energy somewhere inside your body.

“whether she is or not, it's none of our business.” megumi replied.

“i know. but i couldn't help but to feel really worried about her. you know crying can be bad, especially when you're pregnant, that could stress her out.” yuuji surprisingly knows how pregnancy somehow works. but they both know he's right again. they're worried about you and your baby, so they both take a mental note to visit you later.

as you slam the door behind you, a silent sob escapes your lips as you slide your back behind the wooden frame. along with the sound of your cries, was also the sound of your heart breaking.

for some reason, the facade you just put up there early makes you suffocate. it burns your eyes and it makes you shudder in pain. the hyperventilating noise escapes from your lips while you clutch the handful of fabrics of your blouse.

“you don't know how much pressure i take just because of that fucking marriage.”

“everyday that i woke, another constant nagging from these bastards of higher ups. i'm getting so, so tired and i just want to…”

god, that feeling burns! his words keep on burning in your head, engraving the letters piece by piece. those words are not too cruel, it's a little far from what you had heard before. but it came out directly from your husband's mouth, the father of your baby.

maybe, you think you acted this way because of your hormones. but nonetheless, he's like blaming you for all of his misfortunes and that made you recall your past arguments with him before.

it was like a collection of puzzles coming up together, picturing a clear image; you were just a distraction, he wanted nothing to do with you, you were just a burden, he wanted to dissolve this marriage, you would never be his, he wanted to be free from you.

you put your hand on your baby bump, stroking it ever so gently. you swore to yourself that you would never let anyone harm your baby, you would never let this marriage harm your baby, you would never let satoru harm your baby, you never let yourself harm your baby. that's for sure.

because as the clock ticks, time passes. and as the time passes, more tears flow to your cheeks along with blood on your legs.

[part 2 is out now — ©luvvixu2024]

[loveblrrsworld]

CLASSICAL CONDITIONING- m. atsumu

timeskip

[manager y/n pavlov-ed that hoe]

“hello?” a groggy voice answered.

“tooru i need help.” you spoke.

“it’s 4 in the morning.” oikawa replied, slight annoyance in his voice.

“i think i have feelings for atsumu.”

he quickly sits up. “i knew it!”

you stay quiet, phone still up to your ear. “what?”

“god y/n, the way you talk about him makes it so obvious.” oikawa scoffs.

“i talk about him a certain way?” you started to question yourself.

“you talk about him like he’s your husband.” he deadpanned.

“well… i guess we now know why.” you awkwardly laughed.

“so what did you need my help for?” he asks.

“i don’t know, i just need to get rid of these feelings.” you shrug.

he stays silent for a couple seconds. “what?!”

“what?”

“why don’t you just— i don’t know, tell the man?!” he exclaimed.

“well, im not sure if he feels the same way.” you sigh.

he sighs louder. “then there’s only one way to figure this out.”

you stay silent, waiting for him to continue.

“classical conditioning.”

your face holds a confused expression. “that pavlov thing?”

“do you do something to him everyday? like— a good morning or something?”

you think for a second. “well yeah, every time i arrive, i pat him on his arm and say good morning. why?”

“stop doing it for a week. if he notices then there’s a chance he likes you back. but just to be clear im no psychologist so don’t trust me.” he says. “good luck, babe. let me know how it goes!”

“this is so not going to work.”

“oh but it will.”

“good morning guys!” you greet everyone as you enter the gym. they all mutter tired greetings as you walked past each of them. completely walking past atsumu.

he pauses what he’s doing for a second. he looks at you as you’re mindlessly doing your own thing, not even glancing at him.

he ultimately shrugged it off, thinking, “maybe she forgot.” plus— it’s such a small gesture why would he care?

oh but he does.

a week passes and not a single pat from you. a stupid pat you’ve been doing for 5 months. why is he so bothered that you aren’t doing it?

you seem to be talking normally to him. none of your actions scream— “im pissed at you.” so what the hell is going on?

it’s the seventh day, the early morning where it was only you and him alone in the gym, he finally speaks up.

“wait.” he stops you. you turn around, waiting for him to speak. “why’d you stop doing that thing?”

no way. play dumb. “what thing?”

“that pat you do when you greet me in the morning. you stopped doing it.” he says.

you laugh. “i didn’t know you cared that much about those pats.”

he scoffs. “how could i not? im the only one you do that to!” he pauses. “so why’d you stop?”

so, this is the one error oikawa made on this stupid experiment. what the hell are you supposed to say?

“i dunno, i guess i just forgot.” you quickly replied, immediately trying to walk away.

“lies.” he playfully said before getting up and following you. “tell me the truth.”

you stop, turn around and stare at him. “i did tell you the truth.”

he rolls his eyes. “how could you forget a small action you’ve been doing for the past 5 months? hm?”

the smug look on his face only made him look more attractive. he steps closer and closer to you, taking advantage of the empty gym.

“i-“ you breath. “i don’t know.”

“oh c’mon y/n, tell me!”

you bite the inside of your cheek, hoping it holds you back from saying the truth.

“fine. if i tell you why im so bothered, will you tell me why you stopped?” he proposes.

your eyebrows furrow as you slowly nod.

“okay. well— i like it. i like it because im the only one who gets that pat. i like it because it genuinely is something i look forward to in the morning, and i like it because it gives me hope that you possibly like me back.”

your eyes widen at the last couple words he spoke. “say that again…” you said, a little breathless.

he chuckles at your expression, holding a small smile. “i like you y/n. everything you do, i look forward to because i like you.”

you don’t say anything but move forward, stepping closer to him, grabbing his collar and intertwining your lips with him.

and of course, he doesn’t protest.

his lips melt perfectly into yours as you wrapped your arms around his neck, his hands mounting themselves on your waist.

you both pull away after a moment, a little breathless.

“i like you too.” you say with a smile.

and then you hear a throat being cleared.

you both look to your right, seeing the whole team with a look of “finally.” on their faces.

“about time.”

“well your experiment worked. congrats doc.” you laugh as you ponder about the events earlier.

“i can feel your ugly smile through the screen.” oikawa jokes.

“no congratulations?”

“congrats! hope its a boy!”

“ugh! tooru it seriously felt surreal…”

he laughs as you continue your small tangent about your newly found reciprocated feelings with atsumu.

about time.

[moonshynecybin]

Sorry so random and hate to asking this like you’re google search engine but what is the deal with Vale and his parents lol

big question! im not sure how much you know so i'll generally cover as many bases as i can and sort of. gather some resources that might help you form a picture.

his dad: graziano rossi. former racer (his peak was finishing third in the 250cc class the year vale was born) who had to retire after some scary injuries (crucial for maximum vale neuroses). in terms of their relationship, first go peruse this webweave from @kwisatzworld. actually i frankly think theyre a better person to answer this question wholesale but i digress. important to note that vale straight up is like yeah he was not a good father lol. ALSO notable that graziano is asked what kind of son vale is and says 'one i can brag about to friends' which. okay. graziano also will not shut the fuck UP about vale in print (he was kind of the one to break rosquez not really being close friends anymore post-assen? for some reason??) which idk if my dad was constantly talking about me to reporters i would feel weird about that. like that is not something that i would enjoy. seems a bit like they have the sort of relationship dozens of us divorced children have with our parents where we can kind of only talk to our dad about sports.

additionally, his parents had him quite young (25 for graziano and in the thick of his racing career, unsure for his mom) and you get a sense that vale thinks they should not have done that.... he doesnt super call them 'mom' or 'dad', instead using their first names, he says they have a more 'friendly' relationship than parental, and apparently his dad and him just started saying i love you to each regularly uh. recently. heres a video of him talking about it (i get the sense the divorce exacerbated these issues as well). that being said i DO also think that vale is closer with his mom in general (she lived in his house for a long time! they lived together during covid as well!) (his mom is named stefania palma and shes a civil engineer, which i think kind ties into how journalists often mention that luca and vale talk about the bike like theyre engineers. i literally dont think that is coincidence, i think they got it from their super hot and smart mom...) heres a bit about her and graziano (x):

theres also LUCA. who is obviously his half brother (he has a few other half siblings on graziano's side, but they arent famous so we dont know as much. i get the sense they arent as close just by virtue of their difference in involvement w racing but its hard to say! its clear hes close with luca, ESPECIALLY after the academy really got going and luca got a bit older.) luca is born in 1997 when vale is 18 years old and just kicking off his career, so hes kind of never known a world where vale wasnt insanely famous. luckily and ironically his father is a sports psychologist. luca's story kind of ties in with stefania's (obviously), and here's a post about how some of the stuff going on in their lives mightve effected them and of course vale. idk why this became a luca treatise but hes important okay!!!! just a family with a lot going on that informs vale's whole deal (having much younger siblings and liking to teach perhaps as a result, his marriage feelings, his REPRESSION issues, how he shows love, how he self-protects, and a lot more. idk this is hardly comprehensive but hopefully it gives a little food for thought !

[psychabolition]

i think the funniest reason against self dx being that only drs are capable of thorough unbiased assessments is that most drs are not unbiased or thorough. they barely even assess.

True !! Its so funny when people reify a "professional judgment" about you that psychologists make in 0.2 seconds because of the jeans and boots you wear and your dyed hair. Like my clothing and hair dye unironically played a role in getting diagnosed with a personality disorder several times.💀 one psychiatrist told me that my top and boots look histrionic and my hair obsessive compulsive . Another one told me that Im antisocial because my jeans are ripped and I "sit like a rockstar" . no one can tell me that diagnoses are a scientific truth and not a moral judgement about me. Another one told me that he can tell by my hair and clothes and the way I sit and talk to him that Im "promiscuous" (=that I have a lot of casual sex) and that thats a sign of borderline . Im literally asexual .I dont know how I could ever take any diagnosis seriously .

But honestly I personally dont use the biomedical model (=which says that mental illness is the same as physical illness. This model tells us that if we have a psych label then we have "symptoms" of an underlying "illness" .) to understand my experiences at all anymore. I neither think of self dx nor of prof dx as particularly helpful. But honestly everyone can use the framework that makes most sense for themselves to understand their own experiences obviously. I would never tell someone that theyre using the wrong words to describe their own experiences or the wrong framework to understand themselves - I'm not a psychologist.

I personally reject all diagnoses and use a different framework instead of the biomedical model that makes more sense to me - the neurodiversity framework . I think of a lot of the experiences that got me diagnosed and that also made me label myself as "ill/disordered" as simply a deviation from "neuronormativity" (=whats societally deemed 'normal' to think/feel/do depending on your assigned gender/age/socioeconomic status/...) - this includes the norm deviation of "suffering more severely than others" . It just makes more sense to me since all mental illness diagnoses are solely descriptive labels - they literally only summarize experiences that you have . Thinking "well i do x because i have y condition (which was diagnosed based on clinician observations of x) and my brain is simply broken in a way requiring me to submit to expert clinical management and surveillance" was a sure way to make me go to therapy and try meds again and again and again . Like when I said "Im suicidal because of my depression (which is a label I got because I am suicidal)" it was like saying "I'm suicidal because I'm suicidal" . Its a circular logic . The question remains: what was actually the cause of my pain ??? Theres never been found a biological cause for any mental illness label by the way (neither low serotonin in depression nor a genetic defect in schizophrenia or that neurotypicals have a different brain than neurodivergent people or whatever else) .

So the reason why I personally dont see both, self diagnosis and professional diagnosis, as helpful is because it made me think I need to take medication and go to therapy to feel better and to lead a life that I enjoy . Its ironic that I ever thought that since therapy and meds always made my life much worse. and I know for certain that I would be doing better nowadays if I had never been to therapy and if I had never taken any meds. Believing that my diagnoses (self dx or prof dx) are true and say something about me made me think that I'll never be happy in life, that I'm a lost cause and that no one can help me (I was always labelled as non-compliant and as uncurably sick) . I dont think of myself as ill, I think of myself as neurodivergent (= deviating from neuronormativity) .

[locomoqo]

An odd headcanon req, not your usual stuff, but hear me out—

What if Gapryeong Kim didn't exactly stop after having Jake, having another child (the reader). But the man wasn’t interested in our existence (he probably didn't even know we existed in the first place). Our mother, resenting us (and she let us know, too), soon abandoned us after a few years to chase her own dreams, forcing us to grow up on the streets.

What if Jake found the reader one day? The reader, recognizing him from a picture our mother once showed us, throws a rock or attacks him out of impulse/resentment, thinking, “if it weren’t for him, mom wouldn’t have left us,”

Somehow, Jake ended up taking us in, easily convincing us with food (it's hard to find them when you're not well-off). Now Jake and Big Deal had to figure out how to deal with us besides giving us food. Also— this wasn't in their job description. What do they even do with this kid?

(Feel free to ignore this if it isn't your cup of tea) ^^

OH AND ALSO IM THINKING OF Y/N'S ENERGY WITH BIG DEAL BEING LIKE THIS AT FIRST but after some food and a good sleep under an actual roof, wellll they're going to be more compliant (can't bite the hand that feeds after all)

jake & his younger half-sibling hcs!

at first, Jake is in disbelief. here’s this kid hurling a rock at him, scrawny and furious, all because they hold him responsible for their miserable childhood.

he feels a mixture of guilt? and responsibility i would guess

since jake’s always cared about family and his crew like a brotherhood, knowing he has a sibling who’s been through hell hits him hard

jake isn't the type to be easily shaken off. He calmly tries to explain who he is and reassure you, especially after realizing the struggles you've been through

despite any anger thrown his way, he’s patient—he’s been a leader for a while, and he knows how to deal with hostility.

initially, big deal is confused by the sudden addition of a scrappy, young person to the mix. some gang members joke about "babysitting" while others wonder if this kid will be more trouble than they’re worth.

anytime any of them try to start a conversation, you shut it down with a glare or a judging side eye

yet, they can’t help but feel a pang of sympathy. the kid's tough, angry exterior hides a young person who’s had it rough.

but!! you should remember they’re tough gang members, not child psychologists! so their version of bonding might involve buying treats, showing you some self-defense moves, and a whole lot of, “So… you hungry?”

big deal’s attempts are clumsy, but in their own way, they’re trying to make you feel at home :DD

jake doesn’t force any sibling connection on you. instead, he tries for smaller gestures—his careful approach might slowly start to chip away at the resentment!

over time, i think jake and you would start to realize you share certain traits and opinions of their parents (AHEM AHEM GAP).

you might resist their kindness, but you'll slowly start to feel a sense of belonging with big deal

little by little, Jake's warmth and Big Deal’s rough kindness help you learn to trust again.

It’s been a week since Jake took you in, though calling it "home" felt strange. Every time he caught you staring at him, you’d quickly look away, pretending you weren’t studying the man who was supposed to be your brother. And every time, Jake would just smile a little, like he knew.

One night, as he put a bowl of ramen in front of you, you muttered, “I don’t need your pity food.”

"Not pity. Just dinner.” Jake chuckled, sitting across from you.

You scoffed but didn’t move the bowl, eyeing the steam wafting up.

“You’re family,” he said softly, his gaze steady. “You don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to, but… I’d like it if you did.”

You hesitated, the warmth of the broth and the smell reminding you of every cold, empty night you’d spent alone. Begrudgingly, you picked up your chopsticks, slurping a bite.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Jake’s shoulders relax, just a little.

“Good,” he murmured, as though you’d done him some kind of favor, and suddenly, the silence didn’t feel so heavy.

[pinazee]

Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion

The MELANIE LYNSKY episode! (Or at least thats what i call it. upon seeing her on screen for 0.2 seconds i knew she was going to get pretty big. She’s such a phenomenal actress.) I honestly lowkey shipped her with shawn. She was so sweet and i feel like it brought out some of the sweet in shawn too. Shes also a character i wish would come back one day, like they do a murder mystery movie and they’re on her yacht or something idk shes really good friends with them all still, they could make it happen :)

Lassie has given up. He has resigned himself to his fate that Shawn will always be up in his shit for the rest of eternity.

LOOK HOW MUCH FUN DULÉ IS HAVING HERE! OHMYGOD HE FUCKING KILLED ME IN THIS EP!

why am i surprised he knows the name of the model in downtown Santa Barbara and is a huge fan? Im starting to see why Gus is single. He gets way too obsessed, but also, Shawn wasn’t kidding when he told that one chick he was willing to change everything about himself. This also adds a nice layer to Gus’s character because we see part of him wants that exclusivity and prestige. He wants to feel like someone others admire, which is brilliantly contrasted with Shawns more down to earth not really caring what others think vibes.

And speaking of contrasts, i love this bit; not only because its funny, but because it feels like a great metaphor for how shawn and gus approach life. Gus is trying so hard to win and Shawn doesn’t care and the outcome is the same.

And i think its so funny whenever Gus gets so obsessed with whatever world their exploring hes pretty much useless and Shawn has to be the rational one.

Every once in a while psych will do this POV shot in shawns perspective thats not being used to point out a clue and i think its really cool. I wish they would have done some more like it because its such a great way to show how shawns constantly aware of his surroundings even when he’s not on a case.

And this was brilliant! It has to be one of the best psych-outs in all of of Psych! Fucking legendary!

And this was brilliant too!

I felt so bad for shawn, playing middle man between henry and karen (which is the most unprofessional thing shes done haha), but it gave henry and shawn one of their best scenes at the end when henry is practically begging shawn to understand, like you can almost sense that he wants to confess right there that it was maddie who abandoned the family not him (or maybe im seeing that because i know its the truth. 🤷‍♀️) and shawn just doesn’t want to deal with it. Its interesting that henry was dragging shawn into it though, like he was using it as a way to see if shawn was okay with it now, cause otherwise he could have asked his friends right? It didn’t have to be shawn.

Honestly it shouldn’t have been. He knew it made him uncomfortable and he kept telling him to stop asking, but like always henry pushed it.

(Oh and also this kind of adds to the mystery of how well karen and henry know each other because she seems keenly invested in it, plus, when her friend told her he left a message she said that sounded like henry. So she must know him well enough that she can say this casually. Sidenote: that moment karen opens the door and Shawn looks horrified was priceless!)

Lastly, its interesting that shawn is proud to have never been in therapy when his mom is a psychologist. I feel like she would have instilled in him a better understanding of what therapy does and that its not something to be ashamed of. Likely the writers just hadn’t figured out maddies profession yet, but still.

P.S Everyone look at his jaw!

[galaxywarp]

It's the anon from a while ago who was going through opioid withdrawal.

I went to a pain management clinic and they basically told me my withdrawal symptoms aren't real and I should see a psychologist. They won't help me taper. That an addiction center wouldn't help because I'm not really addicted. Then why do I feel so sick when I try to reduce my dosage? Why do I have all the textbook symptoms of withdrawal? I can't stop cold turkey and I can't be sick all the time cause I have a full time job.

He said the opioids would be out of my system in a week, is that true? I don't know if I can get through a week of feeling like this. I've been on these meds for over a year, it just doesn't feel safe.

He also told me I just have to deal with my chronic pain and there's nothing they can do. It took weeks to see this specialist and he basically told me to go fuck myself.

I ended up breaking down in the appointment and he just had me leave.

I'm so tired and frustrated and I hate feeling like this.

Anon im so sorry. Thats so fucking shitty

I swear it’s fucking like — all he did was set you up for fucking failure.

He’s telling you to ignore your own warning signs until they get bad enough for him to acknowledge. By then you might be desperate enough that you go to street drugs or your withdrawal might need medical assistance. It happens a lot to pain patients whose doctors fuck them over. By the time they validate your problem their solution is now to just cut you off and leave you with no legal options for your pain. It’s an extremely common reason that people end up on heroin.

He’s encouraging you to pretend that the problem isn’t starting and setting you up to keep digging yourself deeper. But of course they’ll say it’s YOUR fault if your pain drives you to do something dangerous.

Ugh. Okay. Listen.

The opiates may very well be out of your system in a week. And i want to assure you that opiate withdrawal, while extremely painful, is not technically dangerous. Not like alcohol or benzodiazepines where you can hallucinate and have seizures. You won’t be in any danger. Just extreme discomfort (as im sure you’ve tasted already)

But if you continue to feel pain after that, and you very well might, i wanna tell you it’s real and valid. Even if doctors try to do the “it’s only in your head” thing.

Cuz you know what. It WILL be in your head. Your body’s pain receptors are going to feel raw and fragile. I was clean from fentanyl for months before my chronic pain truly eased. It’s like your body has to learn how to tolerate pain again and people don’t respect how miserable and painful that process is. You’re brave and strong for facing it.

I’m a little sleep deprived and im not sure what else advice i can offer atm but you’re on my mind anon. Please drop in my inbox again whenever you need.

[v5b5]

I had a request of Carlitos after AO, just felling exhausted and confessing his fellings because he just wants you to be with him. BUT I ELIMINATED ACCIDENTALLY, IM REALLY SORRY. 😭😭

Btw, I'm still taking requests, so you're free and welcome to ask whatever you want.

Warnings: bad mental health/extremely exhausted Carlos.

~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•°•~•°•~~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•°•~•°•~

You had known Carlos since you both were 18, and always had an especial connection, but you never saw it like anything romantic. For the last 2 years of friendship, you tried to accompany him to some tournaments, so you were now in Melbourne, Australia. Watching his matches and eating sushi the night before. Even though you have been friends for years, a few months ago, you started to realize that this was probably love, because no one travels around the whole world just to support a friend every time they ask for, no?.

But you ignored the fact that his eyes were always on you, and every little thing you do. But now you guys were so distracted to think about stupid theories like those. The night before his match with Zverev, he invited you to eat sushi as usual, but when you arrived at his hotel room you noticed, it was just him.

"It's just you and me?". You ask certainly confused. You entered his room and sat at the edge of his bed. He wasn't a very messy person, but he had a bit of clothes around the room, his suitcase on the floor full of things and the door of the bathroom open, from where you could feel the humidity of a recently used shower, and you could also tell from his semi-wet hair.

"Yes, you wanted to invite someone else?". He asks a bit concerned, you know him very well, he's much of a people pleaser, so you have to reassure him. "No... It's good to be just us". You say with a sweet smile and looking around. "The sushi is almost here". He says looking down at you. "It's ok, I'm not that hungry". You answer sweetly not to worry him. "What about we watch a movie while eating?". You propose with a smile. "Sounds good". He answered with his big representative smile.

Then you took the TV remote and started sapping, and you decided to watch a rom-com. During the dinner, you started to feel very cold, cause Carlos loved to have the A.C at its lowest temperature, and you loved it too, but the humidity from the bathroom didn't help with the cold. Carlos noticed that and hugged you from your shoulders. "Are you cold?". He asked in a whisper near your lobe, you could feel his warmth, it made you feel safe and cozy. "Yes, a little." You answer blushing a little. Then Carlos got up from bed and opened his suitcase and took out one of his Nike favorite hoodies, a very classic but pretty white hoodie with a little logo of a colorful tennis court. "Here, have it". He Said sweetly and extended it to you. You took it and put it on, it was cozy, you could smell his scent. "thanks", you limit yourself to say. The night was amazing, so wonderful that Carlos stayed awake thinking about the situation he was in with his relationship with you, a difficult one... A platonic romantic friendship.

The next day, he was extremely tired, he even fell asleep while eating breakfast. So by the time of the match, he was exhausted physically. He lost the match, for way too much difference. He felt stupid, not enough. He had already tried to improve those aspects of self-sabotage with his psychologist, but today was not his day to think about that. He was destroyed, he felt like nothing.

So when he got to his room, he limited himself to throw his bags to the floor and do the same with his "useless" body. But suddenly he heard a knock, a special one, one that only y/n used with her loved ones. It was something little but he was a person of details, and he liked to remember that kind of things. He wasn't good with birthdays, words or dancing, nor even signing, but learning little details of his loved ones was definitely his thing, it was his way to show love and this was her little detail to remember. He got up from the cold floor and walked a few steps towards the door, his eyes were red from some sobbing on the way to his room, but he felt strong enough to face y/n. He opened the door and just threw himself into her arms, and started sobbing. "I'm sorry". She said sweetly while caressing his nape. "you made everything you could". "No, I didn't made enough". He said to her and also for himself to hear. "of course you did, sometimes it is good to know our limits, maybe your body was just... Exhausted". She says trying her best to comfort him. He picked her up, and carried her to his bed. He jumped to bed with her in his arms. He just wanted to cuddle. "I think I need you... I can't hide it anymore". He says in a sweet voice. "I know you feel it too, I can see it in your eyes". He says looking Deeply into her eyes. "I know you think we guys never notice, but I do". He says before caressing her hand. "Be my girlf..." He couldn't even finish the sentence because you were already kissing him in a sweet subtly way.

~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•°•~•°•~

I'm finally done, I was so tired with uni that I didn't have time to write. But I'm here... Hope you like it. I made a big effort to write this and not to fall asleep while doing it. IM SO TIRED.

BTW

PLEASE LEAVE MORE REQUESTS

[buggitino]

kind of going off the previous post, chloe said that alana is the “worst kind of fujoshi [the kind that involves herself in gay mens relationships like she’s a part of it]” and lowkey shes kinda right

she imposes herself almost immediately (i know jack invited her IDC GET HER OUT OF HERE!!!!)

in the very first scene that shes introduced, she has this sort of “i’m better than you” air to her that just. bothers me.

maybe its her face or maybe its the way she speaks but it really does feel like, because she’s a psychologist/therapist, she considers herself above people, ESPECIALLY will graham (chloe and i talked a bit about this at the time as well; i strongly believe that people who aim to become therapists or psychologists lose an insane amount of empathy and sympathy for the mentally ill and ND people in the process)

jack crawford is also guilty of infantalizing him (in the sense he views will as a son - it’s not a healthy father/son dynamic, and i’ll talk about this later, but it’s there) and both of them do this because they view instability as immaturity. will cannot be an adult - or a person - in the same way they are because he is inherently and incurably different

of course, hannibal also views himself as being above others, but at least he doesnt consider will to be lesser than because of his nature and at least he doesnt try to hide it like alana does

maybe thats what pisses me off the most about alana (i forget if she gets better later in this season or in later seasons so im acting off of what ive seen and can remember from season 1)

she infantalizes will. despite how she may come off, she clearly sees him the same way jack does. she’s just better at hiding it because she can sympathize with him better than jack even tries to. and because she views him as inferior to her (even if its on a subconscious level), it makes her flirting with him in the hospital that much weirder

got a little off topic there but this part of the rant is over stay tuned

[droumack]

i love love love ur most recent fic. if you do decide to continue (which no pressure ofc) I predict there’ll be some angst bc nates still young & douchey & since they have to keep their relationship private he might just make Jo feel like a hookup. jo also gets self conscious bc he feels like Nate’s using him to understand his sexuality & since he’s the projected top draft pick “hot girls” keep throwing themselves at nate (ofc no ones more beautiful than Jo).

also I noticed in the fic nate said he wanted to “fuck” jo, not rlly be in a relationship & he didn’t express too many feelings. ofc emotionally stunted pre sports psychologist nate probs wouldn’t have been great at expressing feelings but I wonder if you left that a little vague on purpose…

also I notice a lot of players will have girlfriends at the draft (& then will break up just a few months later). but maybe nate feels pressured to have a girlfriend as the draft comes up which only hurts Jo more. thinking of sweet baby nerd Jo being heartbroken actually makes me want to cry I never want to see him hurt ever hes too precious.

a heartbroken jo who already struggles with anxiety & his self esteem with an emotionally stunted nate whose still dealing with his anger results in a fight where Nate says some things he regrets & they break it off. also the part where nate gets a hat trick when jo comes to the game vs no points when Jo isn’t there so maybe jo feels like nate never even liked him & was just using him as one of his strange hockey superstitions. that combined with his low self esteem & internalized homophobia I just… (I’m not very articulate thus why I don’t write but yk, Jo’s not doing well).

maybe right after Jo’s distraught but he eventually takes the time to heal & Nate is “fine” at first but then after the high of the draft & immediately starting in the nhl as a rookie he rlly starts to process the break up & realizes he was in love with jo & misses him BAD. maybe he to stalk Jo on instagram & he’s now in his freshman yr at college & he’s had a bit of a “glow up” (still adorable nerd Jo but yk) & there are tagged pictures of him with other guys who are pretty touchy and look VERY interested. ofc pre sports psychologist angry Nate spirals a bit & has to hold himself back from flying to Jo’s college town & murdering any guy who looks at him.

nate & jo do end up together again but only AFTER jo makes nate work for it for a long time. also jo’s still navigating his low self worth when Nate first tries to get back with him & there’s a break Nate’s heart when he says something like “every time I look at you I feel worthless.”

also I do love the idea of Nate helping jo pay tuition (esp bc he wants to go to college in the US & as a senior in college rn ts is so expensive😭). maybe he does it secretly. like jo is on one of those “special” scholarships (like the fancy ones with a name for students who most exemplify certain qualities, idk im just on financial aid) but then an anonymous donor has added like $10k more for the next 5 yrs. Also 5 yrs so the school doesn’t get suspicious ab why this donation is only for Jos years there.

ok wait I just realized how much I wrote and you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT have to write this I promise this isn’t like a request ur recent fic just inspired me so much. sorry if this all nonsensical I’m not the best writer😭 you can literally just leave this in ur inbox I totally get it but love you bruinss!! can’t way for ur next fic or even just ur next tumblr post I love when u update even if it’s just a reblog!!

OH WOW HELLO ANON thank you for this gorgeous wall of text, I love all your thoughts

while this would be fun, this is not the direction I have my high school fic going in!

that said I highly encourage to you write your own natejo high school fic because i would devour a plot based on the above

[shions-chin-scar]

i want a full essay on haruta, you seem like a knowing person

*cracks knuckles* My time has come.

So, Haruta. Whether you love 'im, hate 'im, love to hate 'im, he's a character that few people in the fandom feel indifferent about. But I believe that he's also slightly deeper than the giggling sword-wielding maniac he seems to be at first glance.

Also there will be MANGA SPOILERS so don't click if you're anime-only

First, let's take a look at his name.

Shigemo is written with 重 (“shige” = heavy, important) and 面 (“mo” = mask), and together those two characters can literally be read as "multi-faced". This is already a hint to his personality: Haruta is someone who acts childish and humorous, but is actually cruel and cold-hearted.

Haruta is written with 春 (“haru” = spring) and 太 (“ta” = thick/big, a common male suffix). Spring is the symbol of new life, of a fresh start. It could be a possible hint to him recently becoming a curse user, or maybe a reference to his power.

Next, his perceptive and cunning nature.

Because yes, Haruta is actually pretty damn smart and tactical despite acting like a goofball most of the time. People are way too quick to write him off as a weakling and make fun of both him and Nobara for her defeat at his hands. Here are a few examples:

^Recognizing Nobara and accurately gauging her growth despite not fighting her during their previous (and only) encounter

^Understanding what the injured Megumi was doing and not letting his own guard down

^Realizing what Megumi was about to do (unfortunately too late)

He's also surprisingly self-aware about his own limitations despite his arrogance regarding his own abilities. When Gojo broke the barrier around the school, what did Haruta do? Immediately dip. When Nanami backhanded him across the whole store, what did Haruta do? Realize he was way outmatched and try to run. He's different from the likes of Juzo (hang rack guy) or Jougo, who overestimate what they can do and underestimate their opponents. Haruta knows he's not hot stuff, and as he says it himself, he's best at picking on the weak.

And let's not forget what a tactical fighter he is.

^Sending his sword after Nitta, fooling Nobara and allowing him to both keep track of her position and take her down

^Targets his opponent's weak spots to take them down

That was actually one of my few pet peeves with the anime: it felt like they made him less tactical. They removed Nobara's line about him aiming for specific points, as well as him injuring her leg, and it made his question about the sword hitting her head seem genuine rather than sarcastic.

His potential past.

This is where I'll be entering headcanon territory, but canon backs me up quite a bit on certain elements of it.

Haruta mentions that he doesn’t even know what exactly his own cursed technique does or how it works. Therefore, the likelihood of him coming from a family of sorcerers or having received a formal jujutsu education are more or less void. Had he inherited a technique like Nobara or Megumi, or gotten schooling, he would probably know more about it.

There is a running theme among curse users (whose past we know) of being rejected, sometimes even persecuted by society for their ability to see the supernatural:

Therefore, it’s not too far-fetched to assume that Haruta likely went through something similar himself. It would explain a few things about him.

Haruta's psychological issues.

I'm going to say it straight off the bat: I won't diagnose him with anything. I'm not a psychologist, though I did study psych in college. All I'm going to do is list a few of the obvious issues he has and their potential causes. JJK is a series of grey and gray, not black and white. No one is pure good and pure evil in it (except arguably some of the Curses because, well... they're Curses), and everyone has their own unique circumstances that led to them being the way they are.

That being said, one thing that immediately jumped out to me about Haruta is his barely hidden low self-esteem and insecurities. He's actually quite self-deprecating. If he just did it around other people I'd be inclined to believe that it's part of his "uwu i'm baby" front, but he also does it when he's alone.

It's worth noting that he also seems to specialize in sneak attacks from behind - fitting for a self-admitted bully who prefers to prey on the weak.

Yet at the same time, he's pretty full of himself and seems to have a certain paradoxical sense of superiority.

That's why I half-jokingly said in the tags of a previous posts that he has an inferiority-superiority complex. I think Haruta knows that he's not strong, but that his technique is absolutely broken even if he himself isn't particularly skilled (though he seems to have gained some confidence between the school invasion and the Shibuya incident - that's part of why I think he's a fairly recent curse user).

It's worth noting that the jujutsu world is much more dangerous than the regular one and death roams around every corner, doubly so for curse users who have a Kill On Sight order on their heads, and triply so when one’s cursed technique isn’t suited for fighting. It must be easy to feel weak and helpless under those circumstances.

Now let's get to the obvious, which are also Haruta's biggest flaws: his sadism and impulsivity.

Haruta obviously takes a lot of pleasure in hurting others, but what's especially concerning is he seems unable to hold himself back when he sees an opportunity for it, or think of long-term consequences. He tried to kill an injured Hanami just because he could, without realizing that doing so would anger the other Curses, and he went after Megumi despite barely escaping his encounter with Nanami an hour or so prior, which led to his death. He actually reminds me a bit of Himiko Toga from My Hero Academia, in that both of them just want to have fun in this world. What Toga really wants deep down is love and acceptance though - unfortunately Haruta never got the character development that she did.

He also clearly lacks empathy, which in itself isn't necessarily a bad thing, but combined with a personality that enjoys tormenting other people and has poor planning skills, it makes for a devastating combo.

^A perfectly healthy reaction to seeing an injured ally

It's worth noting that sadism and aggressive behaviors are believed to stem from both genetic and environmental (e.g., childhood trauma) factors. It can for example be a way for the person to turn the tables on the world and vent out their past hurts and anger, by making other people suffer like they suffered. Or a way to feel powerful - again, Haruta is someone with low self-esteem who preys exclusively on the weak.

TL;DR

Haruta Shigemo is actually pretty damn cool and smart and not just some one-dimensional grunt and he deserved better.

^Me @ Gege

[emmatgc]

Tommy and the Art of Grieving

This picture is very telling to me and im sure for a lot of PK and Tommy x Grace shippers. Some call it haunting, I call it aching. It hurts seeing him hurt but he aches for her, all the time.

Tommy's soul in in constant torment. No amount of sex, money, guns and death can change that. It only stopped once, with Grace.

After Grace died, the aim was to push Tommy to the brink of no return and get unhinged as a monster that he should become. Alpha monster, no heart and soul just Alpha. But people forgot, his omega was Grace. They were two of the same.

When she died, he died, too.

Tommy grieved more than he should have. For all the talk that Tommy is not an ordinary man, when it comes to Grace, he was the most normal man ever. That was the most humane thing he did- fall in love earnestly.

He thought he will always have her. She spoilt him with her love and he thought it would never end. When it ended, he wasn't about to let go.

Portraits throughout history are normal. Its sizes and placement do matter, though. I always wonder why Tommy changed or took down their family picture and changed it. The bigger the size, the bigger the why. The color was gold. Reverence and royalty, treasure and priority. She was and will forever be. I initially thought, of course, for the sake of the new wife any sane husband would hang the new family portrait instead, but alas it was not the case. It was still Grace, and this time, solo.

My mom is a psychologist. To be precise, a city psychologist of my beloved city for 3 decades and when retired,a private one. In real life, she deals with the likes of Tommy, with ptsd, and other mental illnesses. She deals with criminals among others, too. Once we talked about moving on, and mind you I relayed this picture and back story to her. We both love movies, but series she doesn't have time. She affirmed what others like her say all the time about grieving.

Grieving is a natural process, she started. The grieving becomes tougher when you lost someone you deeply love. However, people grieve differently. Normally, it takes time but it gets easier or worse, it depends on the person. Never forgotten but moving forward. Things, pictures , etc are moved away or kept for good, maintaining a few pictures or momentos for remembrance to live by. But in Tommy's case, she said, it is deep, dark, desperate and tragic. All in the name of love. My Mom simply said, he hasn't moved on yet, doesn't want to, for sure.

When I told her he married another one and still has this huge portrait, she asked, "and the new wife is ok with it?", I said No but he doesn't care. To my surprise, and very decisive answer "well, she doesn't love her at all, nor respect her or at the very least, doesn't love her enough". Her words not mine. I sigh and was relieved, for we have been saying that all along. We were right. Not from our mouths but from an expert of almost 5 decades.

She went on to say "If the husband truly has moved on, the portrait wont be there anymore. Her being solo and a big one says a lot. She is alive in his memory, his heart , his being and his house. He wants everybody to know that, too. He is not denying it, nor shy about it. He wants them and us viewers to know. Red flag for 2nd wives all throughout and the best way is to get out".

Perhaps, everything we said was true. He wants to keep things the way they are and he doesn't care one bit about others. To choose to be comforted by the dead rather by the living is like saying he would rather be in hell if it means being with her forever.

Any woman after Grace will always feel insecure for she looms all over. She is not tormenting his soul. He wants her to be tormenting his soul for she alone can calm and sooth him as well. Each and everytime he is in the tunnel and worse, he goes to Grace, dead or alive to be with her. Just to be with her and her presence.

So, no moving on for Tommy. He will always be grieving for Grace. 💔 She maybe dead, but that doesnt she is not alive in Tommy. She is. Always will be

Thank you, @tommygrace , @tommyxgrace-always forthe picture! Thank you to my Mama! I love you to bits! ❤️

[blessedshortcake]

My opinion on the finale episodes below the cut. Obviously spoiler warning lol

First of all. I see people say it was really underwhelming and i kinda have to agree? It wasnt a Bad ending or a lazy one or whatever words have been thrown around tho imo. I feel like with all the hype about how "painful" and emotional itll be from the VA and from everyone, we all just expected more tragic outcomes or something.

I am dissappointed because of that as well. I liked how Simon finally reflected a bit and had some self awareness about their situation with Betty. I loved that he didnt become Ice King again or that they didnt do some actual time travel to "fix" stuff. I also liked that they didnt necessarily made him a bad husband (?/boyfriend?) he kinda just never realised that Betty has been putting more into their duo than he was.

That doesnt make him innocent tho b4 someone comes at me. He was a bit too self absorbed but i dont think he was entirely selfish either. He was a person who made mistakes and didnt realise them. The line where he said smt like "i wish we could have talked like this before" also makes it pretty clear to me that Betty never really spoke up about these things either. Golbetty had to make him aware and tbh? I think that was more Golb than Betty.

The whole Scarab ordeal felt a bit. Ehhhhhh I dont know. His anger reaction to things suddenly becoming "canon" (lmao) was very nice to see but him being allowed to wreck havoc like that for a good while felt more like an excuse to bring the others into this world. I dont have a problem with it btw i just dont see the point why we need Farmwold Jay and Little... I forgot her name damn. Also whys Babyworld Finn here 😭 (i get it, he was in the tank, i dont mean literally i mean Why)

As much as i was soooo mad when LSP freed the scarabs it was very in character. I like how it was a thing that he likes animals from the start so it wasnt senseless stupidity, it was something he would do even tho it was the wrong thing to do. Made me pause and lay down to stare at the ceiling in frustration for a solid minute i cant lie, still in chacter tho.

But alas. I like how in the end it all didnt turn magical (completely since ig its partially magical with Cake and everything else) and how Cake finally cooled down about the crown. IM ALSO SO HAPPY THEY KEEP IN TOUCH WITH SIMON OVER THE PHONEEE!! But yea him wanting to move was so real and I hope he does lmao he deserves it.

I only kinda wish they made him reconnect with Marcy a bit more. I am actually pretty dissappointed that we dont know if he ended up reaching out to her more or not. I understand his situation with not wanting to spook her, i actually feel that bit in a soul connecting level good god, but idk. Im at least happy he is Literally in therapy now

(Kinda makes me wonder tho if he spent the time between the end of AT and the start of FC with no like therapist or psychologist. Just rawdogging his mental illness about everything. Mood tbh but like did he? Did he??)

Anyway despite my slight dissappointment i am actually pretty happy with the outcome. I really liked the theories and the ideas of how Simon may make FC magical or what he will become but tbh this is probably the best outcome. Everyone got a happy/hopeful ending (minus Farmwold Finn ig who im atp assuming is dead. Also Star Marceline and PB) which i am really REALLY happy about.

I gotta say I already wanna write fanfic about these guys so inspirational effect granted. Woooo.

Tldr

I was kinda dissappointed because it was overhyped about how emotional it will be when it really wasnt but other than that I am really happy about how the ending turned out save for the alternatives staying in FC

Edit: I SEE PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE WHOLE SHOW DONT TELL THING AND TBHHH??? TTTTBBBHHHH??? YEAH. IT WAS ALL JUST TALKED ABOUT LIKE WHAT ABOUT SYMBOLISM? MY GOD.

Also Simon had like 10 minutes to get closure with Betty which was horrifically rushed but again, when your wife turns into Basically God you kinda dont really have a choice to chit chat. Still not happy about it but again, could have been worse. Could have been much worse.

[tetrostaffsidereposts]

Chapter 2 November 3 Thread K

[796285914 / Minase Hattori] You may want to lay low. Dr. Toranosuke is looking to take some psychologists over to biology for an experiment.

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Why is that relevant to me

[796285914 / Minase Hattori] Because your name was tossed out with mine.

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Wait what

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Wait what um??? Why am I a part of this

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Why does this always have to be our fucking problem we arent even in biology why are we getting roped into this

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Hattori seriously I almost died last time Im not doing another biology experiment its not happening

[796285914 / Minase Hattori] I know. Worst case scenario, I'll go. You're not going back. Don't mind it.

[796285914 / Minase Hattori] I'm just warning you because I don't know what's going to happen. Either way, I won't let you go.

[796285914 / Minase Hattori] Either way, I'm not going to lie and say I'm not nervous. I'm fairly certain I'm just being called in to replace Dr. Suga.

[796285914 / Minase Hattori] Dr. Tatematsu is pushing to keep me away from the situation, but Dr. Toranosuke said this experiment was work-related, so I'm worried it might go through.

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] No way shell let him just do whatever he wants after the suga shit im pretty sure hes in trouble

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Hes not actually going to get the clear to take you though youre too high ranking shes just gonna tell him to take an intern

[796285914 / Minase Hattori] Which is exactly what I'm worried about, unfortunately. I don't want him settling for taking you instead.

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Okay well stop thinking about me and maybe think about how Dr kan probably wants to wear your skin or something and maybe do something about that

[796285914 / Minase Hattori] I'd rather that than have him come for you again. Believe me, I don't want to go, but you're incredibly young and I have no intentions of letting him operate on you again. It's a limit for me.

[796285914 / Minase Hattori] It's the responsibility of the older staff to look after the younger staff, yes? So I won't let it happen.

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Okay well thats stupid

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Youre stupid

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] First of all im not that young and second of all youre not that old and third of all hes going to gore you so be ready for that I guess

[796285914 / Minase Hattori] There's no amount of preparing that could possibly make me ready. Honestly, I'm incredibly nervous. Not feeling well.

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Why are you such a goddamn doormat

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Like are you seriously this stupid what are you doing

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Neither of us are going stop being a moron can you seriously not do anything about this

[796285914 / Minase Hattori] You don't need to be scared. Nothing else going to happen to you.

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Im not scared shut up

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Im not scared

[796285914 / Minase Hattori] Genuinely. I promise. Nothing else is going to happen to you. I won't let it. You don't have anything to worry about, okay?

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] God shut up how are you this annoyingg

[416276122 / Tamemichi Tsutsujio] Stop bugging me im trying to work go get your stupid ass kicked by dr toranosuke or whatever since you love it so much

THREAD CLOSED

[nerves-nebula]

So my friend recently told me a story and it led to a very interesting moment.

She told me a (presumably true?) story about a psychologist or something who was studying psychopathy in people and noticed that he had the similar traits or brain scans or something and he asked his loved ones if they'd noticed any kind of psychopathic traits. And they said that yeah, he seemed generally kind of distant and cold. So he tried to perform the motions of Caring More in the ways that they consider more normal i guess.

And he came up to them and was like “I'm trying to make you feel more loved but you can probably tell I’m just going through the motions. It probably doesn’t feel genuine I should just stop.”

and they said that NO actually it was really nice, and made them feel better that he was trying and doing those little things and affirmations to show he cared even if they didn't come naturally to him.

my friends takeaway from this was that it was very sweet. it was a nice story about a guy learning to communicate his affection to people around him. and like. here's the thing. i get that, I do, it's sweet he's making an effort for them. I'm not trying to disparage the idea of making efforts for the people you love and doing things that don't come naturally to you for the sake of making them feel better. that's sweet, i get it.

but my immediate reaction was like. GOD. how depressing. his loved ones didn't care about how he showed affection, like, at all. they felt he was cold, and once they realized he was different, instead of trying to understand him and the fact that he wasn't being intentionally "cold" or whatever to them, they encourage him to go through the motions of something that feels awkward and insincere.

like they didn't teach themselves to learn that when he does a certain thing he means it a certain way, they just wanted him to go through the motions with them. and it's sweet that he did, but what about them? what are they doing to understand him?

and obviously im reading a lot into this story, and i'm putting a lot of myself into my interpretation. i'm sure he was fine with it, or else he wouldn't do it. I don't know the specifics because this is just a story i was told, so there's probably all kinds of stuff i'm not considering.

but to me it's such a depressing story. because all I've ever wanted was to not have to put up a front around the people i care about the most. i want to be able to be myself and not have to go through any of the socially accepted motions, or put up the kinds of walls that exhaust me when im interacting with people who don't know me well.

the idea that people could know me for years and never try to understand the way i show affection? the idea that they think it would be BETTER for me to go through the insincere motions of mimicking their signs of affection, instead of being genuine with how i love them?

like, what do you people even want. do you want friends? do you even want to be close to someone?? because it just sounds like you want someone to confide in, who will be fake with you as long as it comforts you. it sounds so miserable.

it sounds like being told that your love isn't enough, it's weird and wrong and not worth it. it isn't what anyone who isn't like you would want, and it isn't acceptable to believe that THEY should make an effort for YOU, even if YOU make the effort to understand THEM more.

i have made the effort. i've trained myself into saying more "nice" or "polite" things. i'm still working on my habitual cruelty, which i do without even thinking. i'm not very good at it yet but it's an ongoing process and i'm working on being more considerate. and it's not enough. it's not enough to be better, because my love and affection is still wrong and bad. because I show my dedication through actions, and I don't say enough of the meaningless phrases that are supposed to comfort you. and i'm so tired and bitter about it.

cuz even my closest friend expects me to be fake. forever. or until i've faked it enough that it's second nature to me.

i wonder if I'll be "fixed" enough for everyone by then.