#iv attached myself to his brain

[goatpaste]

ppl sure do want to bend every which way to try and give Araki credit for things he has historically not handled well or even arguably wanted/tried to handle well in even the RECENT past. He's not some sort of beacon of progressive writing and closing one eye and squinting the other one so hard that you can't see out of it anymore so you can read his writing as that is Silly. It feels like people care more about making sure in whatever way they can that they're not touching any media that might have Issues so they can be 'Morally Clean' instead of making any effort to consume it Critically like a Person With A Brain 😵‍💫 and then asking for Your approval on it for WHATEVER reason, like, ur just Sammi on the internet not Araki's personal bestie and confidant. His silly rabbit...

^^^^^

This literally this guys

[xxplastic-cubexx]

hello!! i just want to tell you that your art is so goddamn scrumptious, you are literally feeding my xmen brainrot and I find myself smiling when i see your art come across my feed. I love how you draw charles, pretty privilege and post (lets be fr he's serving every time)

i hope you always have fantastic brainrot and id kiss your blessed hands for giving us the gift of cherik and charles xavier, you are literally an icon

hope you have a great day ahead of you and more!! you deserve it !!

well i'ma absolutely have a wonderful mornin after readin this AWWWW thank you so so much !!!! i haven't been postin xmen long, so it's been really heartwarmin seein the warm reception to my work in the wonderful tags people have been leavin on my posts- and especially gettin to answer the lovely asks y'all've been sendin in (❁´ ▽ `❁) !! im glad people also like my goofy text posts and esp quotes from my brother he really has no right being so funny at the most random times

i hope to be xmen posting a while: ive got at least 60 years worth of stuff to look through and ongoing, so i dont imagine my interest'll wane anytime soon :]] !!

[coriander-candlesticks]

On today's episode of "Is This a Bad Idea or Am I Just Anxious": is it disrespectful to have a separate tarot deck for "public"/"for fun" spreads?

Audience vote says "no" but if anyone has a strong opinion about it I'd legitimately love to hear it

[freakinator]

ii Need to find a balance between fucking around with my designs and drawing what i see

[sparklecarehospital]

been reflecting on my year a bit, and i was thinking about something. i think i know what the best thing i did for myself this year was.

making cometcare public. making the ask blog.

ive had this AU stirring in my brain since 2019, ever since i got really attached to doomi during the haunted arc. one reason i went so long without revealing pollarrydoomi as a ship to readers was because doom's crush wasn't public information until late 2021.

i had kept his crush a mystery for 3 years, but revealed it after a fun experience where people figured out who it was through guessing. i'm pretty sure i did a poll about it? asking people to guess who they thought it was, and uni won the vote, meaning everyone had already figured it out.

after pollarrydoomi was revealed and i started drawing art for it and people made fanart for it, i still couldn't post any of my AU art because ally wasn't public and she and howie were in the AU. in july 2022, for the comic's birthday, i revealed ally as a character to the readers. others around the time had started to notice characters i had in pfps and i ended up telling everyone i did have pollarrydoomi ship kids, but i didn't make them public.

in november 2022, i revealed eve on toyhouse. after her reveal, i would soon reveal sly as well in december 2022 on my birthday (revealing sly as a birthday present to myself is such a funny gesture now that you guys know how important he is to me). over the next few weeks i revealed cream, frosty, and marco as well. all of the main cometkids except chem.

then one day someone out there suggested that i make an ask blog for the cometcare AU. it was such a spontaneous decision, and i didn't even really know what i was gonna do with it at first. i was just kinda messing around. but when i made the blog i realized that if i wanted this AU to be experienced in complete authenticity, i couldn't make uni cis.

so i revealed uni being trans through the blog, despite the fact i'd gone so many years without ever revealing her identity. why did i do it? there's a lot of reasons. not wanting to make her a "dad" in the AU contributed, but also i felt like it wouldn't be detrimental to the story to confirm a character being trans. it also made me (and the crew in general) a lot more comfortable being able to properly refer to uni with her actual pronouns.

making the ask blog really changed me, because finally i could share this little family and comfort story i'd built in my brain with the world and make it real and make content for it and let people consume it.

but what stopped me most of all?

i've said it many times before... but i felt like it was cringey.

i felt like making an AU with 93985893844 fankids in a ridiculous complicated polycule wasn't something a Serious content creator should do, and i was really worried the reception would be negative or people would think it was stupid or something. i did NOT expect it to become as popular as it is. the blog actually has more followers than the MAIN ASK BLOG for the canon comic. it was received SO POSITIVELY and the fact it was just kind of blows me away.

it means so much to me. being able to share the most special thing in my life with people and for people to actually like it and have fun with me and want to see it, and for me to be able to not have to follow strict professionalism about spoilers and chronological storytelling, and being able to change and add in things whenever i felt like it. it's such a freeing experience.

when i was a kid, i used to make stories and OCs and i didn't take them as seriously as i do the sparklecare reboot. this kind of turned into my entire life and career kinda, so i had to take it more seriously. but making this AU honestly just makes me feel like i'm a kid again, it makes me feel like i can have fun and literally do whatever the fuck i want without worrying what people think or if it's realistic or if it makes any sense.

i know though, that some people don't like pollarrydoomi. and i know why. whether it's because of being attached to barruni (of course, they're the canon ship and main characters, i get it) or just having discomfort with the idea of shipping doom with anyone when canonically he hasn't experienced a redemption arc... i get it. i know not everyone likes it.

and that's okay! people are entitled to having their own feelings about content. i understand it. and i've come to accept that's always going to be the case with anything i do with these characters.

but i'm still going to do this for myself. i do this because it makes me happy to just have fun and not worry about being serious all the time. it feels good, especially when it's with characters that are really really important to me.

cometcare is genuinely the most special and important thing i've ever made for myself, it's such a huge piece of my identity and it makes me who i am. and being able to make this story public and share it with people and share these things that have been in my brain for so long with others means so much to me.

that's why i think it was the best thing i've done this year. it's kind of literally changed my life to be able to talk about them. it's made me happier than i've ever been making content. i'm not just making it to entertain myself alone anymore, i'm making it to entertain others like i do with other stuff. and the fact people actually like it still is unbelievable to me.

so, i guess my outlook for next year as it comes is to continue to stop taking everything so seriously. i can tell my stories however i want to. i hope others can realize they can do this too.

please make whatever you want, whenever you what, as much as you want, even if it doesn't make sense or if it's "cringe". you will be so much happier when you realize as a creator you DON'T have to take all of this so seriously. the comic still exists and people read it even if i'm doing this. You Can Do Whatever You Want And Nobody Can Ever Stop You. the only person who can stop you is yourself when you let your inhibitions get in the way of your ability to create things for yourself.

have fun! life is too short to take everything you do seriously

[qloof]

On this very day. What has binded you so much onto Masamune? What did he do that you take him everywhere? /lh

my rewatch of metal masters in like 2020 changed the trajectory of my life for real. that stupid green idiot was so comical and cringe and endearing his story and writing and character really stuck to me and 15 year old me saw a bit of myself in him and then proceeded to add a little more of myself to him and it all went downhill from there. he's quite the easy guy for me to project onto and still have it be reasonable/in character? (at least...i think it does..) if that makes sense. i also saw how he was generally perceived by different parts of the mfb fandom and i will not lie i related to being perceived the same way in certain aspects in real life. i went "he's just like me fr" once and look where i am now. it's a little funny because when i was younger i really loved tsubasa and the whole reason i got back into mfb was because of tsubasa but my brain took a complete 180 and attached itself to a totally different character.

before the revived Beyblade obsession, the previous thing i was into was minecraft streamers and while they were entertaining there's like a line of things between things that you can and can't do with them like you can fictional characters. and i think because the last time i was really into fictional characters was like…when i was 12 (even then i was mostly absorbed into my OCs) i just went ham. i haven't loved a fictional character as much as i love masamune before. he hasn't let go of my brain and although it's a little silly this guy really does help me get through the days and helps me reassure myself. i think about him a lot every day and sometimes i'll just go "no way…masamune kadoya" in my head whenever i think about him😭😭😭 drawing him being silly and happy brings me so much joy !! putting him into situations is incredibly fun !! ive met my best friends and partner through loving this guy !!! woagghh !!!

there are still lots of things i want to draw that i havent yet and i hope to get to them eventually. some things i havent drawn because theyre way outside my skill level right now and others because i fail to defeat executive dysfunction very often. there are...many thoughts i have about masamune and one of them is about how much money he owes me for living in my head. it's gotta be at least a million dollars atp. if i wasn't so awful at putting all my thoughts into words i probably wouldve written so many things about him honestly but i dont think in words im afraid (one reason why im primarily an artist helpppp). i honestly do not know where i would be without mr number one blader masamune kadoya. i joke about kinning but like lowkeyyyyyyy

ANWYAYS I WENT ON LIKE AWHOLE ESSAY OOPS i didnt know if this ask was asking for a joking or actual response, but a response you have gotten !!

[iridescent-solstice]

૮꒰ ⸝⸝ > ̫ < ⸝⸝ ꒱ა

I didn’t expect myself to get attached to any character as heavily as I am with Claude but . . . NEVER SAY NEVER CAUSEEEE I DEF FOUND ONE!!

I picked up a game my friend recommended long ago, The Arcana, and oml not only does it have an amazingly diverse cast of characters but ive fallen HEAD OVER HEELS FOR ASRA AND HES WRITTEN SO WELL TOO!

I finally have a character that's a) Well written 🥳 and b) Perfect in every aspect C) Beloved by the fandom!

No joke I love him so much! 🙌 He’s such a lover boi I rlly can't wait to complete his arc. Now if only gathering coins didn't take this much time 😔🤌

{My brain rot suspiciously appeared ryt around the time for his birthday and to my knowledge there used to be events taking place for said b-day so I will be writing more fics for him these next few days . . . BUT fear not Black Butler content will still be coming out too!}

[shhh-no-ones-home]

future friends 2/2

james 'logan' howlett

+++++++++

part one

song: gold medal ribbon my pierce the veil

+++++++++

i sat on my bed and thought about what had happened in the danger-room. it had been a little over a week already and i still couldnt stop thinking about it. his face, the way he sounded. so broken. it was an accident. and of course i couldnt think to face ororo either. im sure she already got an earful from him about it.

but the thing is, i hadnt seen him or his reading since that day. and that worried me. all of his classes had been cancelled but i couldnt exactly blame him. i think i wouldve done the same. i half thought to go find him but i wasnt sure i could face him again. nonetheless i picked myself up off the side of my bed and walked out of my room and out into the hall. kids were rushing past me to get to their next class but i ignored them as best i could.

some of them were harder than others, all of the images of their pasts behind my eyes as i paced by them. but then his made its way into my brain and i stopped. i had already made it to the end of the hall but it wasnt his room he was in. it was the library. some place i hadnt ever seen him go. he didnt find place in there like the students did. but it was quiet. i pushed the door open slowly and there he was, sat at the table with a book open in front of him. it was a book about the civil war. oh. i watched his face as he looked up.

"hey kid, or uh, y/n."

he corrected and i drew my brows, walking slowly to him like you would a wounded animal.

"hello logan."

he closed the book and placed it flat on the table, folding his hands on top of it.

"first of all i wanna apologize-"

"dont worry about it."

he cut me off and i tilted my head to the side in confusion.

"but i lied to you?"

i questioned and he nodded, a half smile making its way to his features.

"i know. i talked to storm. and though i wish someone would have helped me sooner i understand she was just trying to keep the professors wishes. damn bastard."

he laughed.

"so youre not mad? at me?"

i asked hesitantly and he scooted his chair back, standing up to meet me.

"storm explained a bit about you. how your powers work, how old you are, the god that cursed you."

i looked down and he took my hand in his. i gasped and tried to pull away but he held on tight. i looked up with wide eyes, trying to study his face.

"i made peace with not knowing anything about myself but you changed that. now i know who i am. or was, at least."

he squeezed my hand and then let it go.

"you arent scared?"

i asked and he laughed.

"terrified actually. but if youre willing to work with me. id like to get to know myself. and you."

i watched as he put his leg up and sat on the side of the table.

"logan i want to but with my powers only a handful of things can happen. the more i look into your past the more i will get attached to you and i dont want you to resent me for something i cant control."

he nodded, studying my face.

"y/n you are the only person ive ever met that is my own age and is willing to help me. i dont think i could resent you even if i tried."

i laughed, tapping a finger on the table next to his leg.

"you say that now."

he reached forward and grabbed my hand again but i didnt pull away this time. he closed his eyes.

"they dont come in waves like the first one did."

he said softly and i drew my brows.

"each time i touch you i get isolated stories. ones that i only got glimpses of the first time."

he said coolly. opening his eyes and looking up at me.

"is that how you see them?"

he asked and i nodded.

"if i focus hard enough yes, or if im around the person a lot. the glimpses get longer. especially if im not trying to suppress them."

"you are extraordinary."

he complimented and i could feel some heat forming in my cheeks. i knew to much about him to not blush. it didnt help i already had a crush on him.

"tell me, whats something that youve been wanting to know? more than anything else."

he sat and thought for a second

"striker said i volunteered for his program but i cant believe that. i want to know what actually happened."

i nodded, stepping towards him a little more. he drew his brows and watched me.

"bare with me please."

i whispered, looking over his face and stopping at his lips. i took a deep breath before closing the gap between us. as soon as our lips touched i was overrun with his memories. i searched through them like a file folder, stopping on his time at alkali lake. i could feel my body tense and i shared that memory with him, his recruitment, the experiment, taking gallons of his blood and storing it, the wires and machines he was hooked up to, keeping him in a cage like an animal, and his escape.

i held on as long as i could but it got too overwhelming. i pulled away from him and seized, my head falling back and my eyesight going white as i looked to the ceiling. i fell limp against him, feeling his arms wrap around my body as he caught me, slowly guiding me to the floor and into his lap. i shook against him and breathed heavily as my eyesight came back. i could hear him shushing me and stroking my hair, rocking back and forth.

"logan."

i gasped out, gripping at his arm.

"its okay, im right here."

he said, and i could hear the fear in his voice.

"i held on as long as i could."

i whispered and i felt him kiss the top of my head.

"you gave me just what i needed, now relax. please. ill take care of you while you do."

i nodded against his chest, feeling my eyes heavy.

"im gonna sleep now okay?"

i asked and i could feel him chuckle to himself.

"ive got you. you go right ahead."

i hummed to myself.

"lets hold off on any more memories for a little bit okay?"

i asked and he laughed.

"youve got a deal. kid. now just take it easy."

the last thing i remember was my body going limp against him and everything going black. at least i could help a little. give him some part of himself back. and i could hear it in his voice. he was sincere.

"thank you y/n."

[saucyjothoughts]

🌼 ok before i find myself a way to insert bojan and jure into the miniverse, heres a collar hc for all of them bc 👻boo got me fully & completely fucked up thinking about it (👻 boo & 💫 boo hmu). im foaming at the mouth etcetcetcetc. also im thinking of opening an ao3 atp bc i fear i will never stop talking about this now that ive started, and i dont want to hog or clog up this blog.

anyway.

bojan - i feel like he looks extremely pretty in lavender shades, so obv lavender coloured collar. actually no, he has two. lavender and thin, pretty heart shaped tags that says boki, for when hes good. and a thick, wide black leather, heavy collar for when hes being bad, the sort that can easily be attached to a muzzle. anyway, attach a leash to his collar, and his brain melts out through his dick.

jure - strikes me more like a guy that wears a cage and his dom wears the key. but if he were to wear a collar, then : studded. im not budging on that. oval name that says his name, probably with his doms name and number on the other side. feels neutral about leashes.

nace - probably says whatever his dom picks for him is what he likes best. me, personally, id say thin, and a rich color - im swaying toward a deep navy blue, heartshaped tag that says his name. while writing this however, i imagined him in a wide iron chain collar, and i think i felt my brain disolve out of my skull like wet cotton candy. you could leash him, but you dont need to - hell follow you around like a puppy all by his own volition.

kris - obviously baby pink. hes a princess. probably has a gem on the front of it instead of a loop for a leash. not into name tags. also i think hed use normal jewelry as a collar too (✨️pearls✨️, and ⭐️lace collars⭐️ and 🌟thin chains🌟). doesnt like being leashed, but loves leashing someone else to walk them around.

jan - again, i say he has two. @/fifi-goes-to-hollywood mentioned a heart shaped tag that says "kitten" and i agree, thats his collar for when hes good, or when he deserves to be pampered. comfortable shiny leather, probably white or cream coloured. however, like i said, hes an evil little thing most of the time. so he mostly wears the collar that doubles as a punishment. a posture collar. gets the spider gag, too, because he loves messy. gets leashed and dragged around as a punishment.

You're not already on AO3, 🌼boo? Get on it!

Also, these are so spot-on. Bojan's attaching to a muzzle. May I suggest alongside his dom's name and number, Jure's tag has "if lost, please return to:"? Nace not needing a leash because he's such a good boy. Baby pink for Kris. And Jan in a posture collar, Jesus Christ... I need a cold shower.

[teeth--king]

Eats your Stardew Valley Elliott art

anyways! Ive seen barely anyone do this but what do you think Elliotts’ backstory is? Like what’s his relationship with his parents? You can draw and/or write it if you want :)

(i crave angsty backstory for Elliott…because I love him…)

Please, feast away! It brings me so much happiness that people are enjoying my Stardew Valley art so much! I usually make my own personal art, so dabbling in a little fan art and it going so well is very appreciated.(also all the nice comments and tags, those fuel me and make me go forward each day)

But for the main part of the ask, it takes so much for my little writer self to not just go hog wild and re-create characters who I get attached to. I have a love hate relationship with this, but it's very easy to do with Stardew characters because they are all so blank slate, those little buddies can be what ever you want because they are the perfect level of lovable yet bland. As for Elliott, yeah I'm a little more on the angsty side of backstory for him, partially from some dialogue and partially from some projecting, haha.

I am not the worlds best writer(despite the fact that it's technically what I do) so I apologize if any of this is a bit rough or odd sounding :P I also feel odd about writing and sharing backstories for already made characters as a creative myself, so this might also be a bit awkwardly worded on my end as well. So just a little heads up before my rambling thoughts below.

So I've always read him as no longer connected to his family due to his passions and actually following them. He's distanced himself from most people in his past, some intentionally and some outside of his control, to try and become who he actually wants to be. I feel like before he came to Stardew Valley he was working his ass off by not gracefully juggling both a job and trying to write at the same time, probably developed some bad habits during those times to cope. He tries to not show it and mask but being kind and welcoming(sometimes overly so if in a rough spot), he has too much ego to let others know he's not doing well chasing his dreams. After moving to Stardew Valley he's started to do a bit better but he's even more of a starving artist because he's just living off savings, most of which he used to buy the cabin. Man's got a male living space by slight necessity but plays it off as being a minimalist. Also no idea where I would place this otherwise, but he gives me the vibe that he has a more public facing persona where he's more flowery and puts on a slight voice, while in reality he's just a dude(still poetic tho, he can't stop that, theater kid vibes).

Ironically trying to not make him too much like my character Elliot. Both of these men are my current stress toys and I am throwing them around so much in my mind.

Ah! Thank you so much for this ask, it was a wonderful distraction for my night! I love answering stuff and getting to get my thoughts out of my head somehow. They are quite loud in there so I'm pleased to have them out and about now. This likely isn't everything but my brain works in such scattered and anxious ways that I am not sure. Thank you again!

[imsogayyippee]

18 and 40

hi i am SO sorry ive been ignoring this ask for like a month and a half. i wasnt feeling like answering asks idk why😭

Song 18: Again by Crusher-P (sorry if this is a cover and not the person who actually made it, I've seen other versions and idk if this is the original but this is the one I listen to lol)

this is more of an alex song than a timlex one but anyways!!!!!!!!!!

"I haven't been myself lately/I don't blame you for not wanting to stay/Saying things that I don't mean, not meaning what I say" "What am I supposed to say/When I end up driving everyone away?"

pre mh alex slowly growing more like,,, aggresive or whatever because of the operator

"Cause I am on fire/A crying, burning liar/Seeing nothing/Nothing/But myself/And I'm the one with the lighter!"

self explanatory. I do feel like this kind of works as a way to show their parallels though

"God, what happened to my heart?/I'm about to fall apart/Again, again"

Alex thinking he's unfixable/incurable from what he's done. Maybe this would be post-MH and the fall apart thing is like falling apart even when he tried to better himself.

"And you're never coming back/And I'm not okay with that/And I should've never let myself get attached/Again"

I wasn't really gonna include this but since this is supposed to be about Timlex. I will. Tim and Alex separating, each going their own ways, after Alex dropped the production of MH and maybe Alex eventually thinking back on that?

"What's done is done/And nothing's gonna change/I should be moving on/But I still feel the same"

Alex forcing himself to not think about the people he's killed/what he's done.

"And it's like everyday is a fight for my life/To get some self-control/And when you've forgotten who I am/It just feels, it just feels/Like I'm nobody at all"

Again, post-MH Alex being encouraged to try and better himself (by Tim), but after what's happened, he's never gonna go back to what he was before MH. Even if Tim probably wouldn't expect this, knowing that after what they've both gone through, they probably couldn't "go back to how they were before", Alex would still think that's what Tim thought would happen.

"I found myself hitting the ground/I held my breath incase I drown"

Kind of a stretch, but it's like implied(? that the operation sickness symptoms mimic drowning, such as the coughing and stuff. I mostly got this from night mind's videos lol

"I should've known when to let go/And when to see who I was being"

Alex maybe thinking back(? to how he should've tried to get help when he noticed himself growing more paranoid, aggressive, etc because of the operator.

--

Song 40: Dead Girls by Penelope Scott

This song to me is more "Tim after MH" than anything else but yeah. It's more in here specifically for timlex because of like one line so. oopsies :3

"Sometimes I see her on the sidewalk/Biking on the wet chalk/Spelling out their names/And I feel insane/Cause I know it's just a game that I'm playing with my brain/I don't see her, but I see her/And I know it isn't real"

Tim after MH hallucinating/having nightmares about Jay/Brian/Alex.

"But I fake it anyways/Pull a smile and wave/Nod and look away/Wait for it to fade/But it happens all the time/People say it's fine/My roommate says they're killing us/But we're killing ourselves"

Him ignoring the hallucination/nightmare or maybe playing along with it(? to at least pretend that they're still alive. I know they don't really interact much in post-MH, but the roommate thing could refer to Jessica? Since it's kinda like. excluding her from "people say it's fine", which would make more sense since she actually went through MH too lol

"I'm surrounded by/Dead girls on the road/Dead girls on my phone/Dead girls, where do they go?/All of the fucking/Dead girls, all around/Dead girls in my town/Dead girls, I don't know/Dead girls, where do they go?"

"On the road" could refer to Jessica, still alive but a reminder of MH. "On my phone" well. marble hronets channel. "Where do they go?" could refer to the ark? lol

"And it'd be wrong to say I miss them/I didn't really know him/I just had a couple friends who say they knew him well/He'd seemed like something special/Really, don't they all?/I guess before you're gone, it can be kinda hard to tell"

THIS IS THE TIMLEX LINE!!!!!!!!! Tim might start feeling like he misses Alex even if (in this song's case) they didn't date before MH nor did they really know each other. He'd probably start thinking about how Alex was literally just some guy and then he had to go through something similar as Tim, but he just 'couldn't handle it well'.

"And if all you ever see are dead girls/If all you hear is terrible news/Maybe it's not all about them, the dead girls/Maybe it's more about you/The living need attention too"

In a way, this could be seen as how Alex said that Tim was the source: "if everyone around you gets operator sickness, why do you think it is?"

--

YEAH if you wanna add anything. go ahead!!!

[asoftepiloguemylove]

home is the first grave

Karen Russell St. Lucy's Home for Girls Raised by Wolves / unknown / @/southern-gothic-decay (on tumblr) / Adonis (tr. Khaled Mattawa) excerpt from Body, "Selected Poems" / unknown / Mary Oliver Metamorphosque / Nikki Giovanni excerpt from Adulthood II, "Cotton Candy on a Rainy Day" / Warsan Shire excerpt from Bless the Daughter Raised by a Voice in Her Head: Poems / Team Dresch Uncle Phranc / @/elsiewarrenswords (on tumblr) / Wych elm Susan Smith

i. Karen Russell, St. Lucy's Home for Girls Raised by Wolves

[ "her own bedroom. When she was very small, she would wake up tearing at her bedspread and shrieking, 'I wanna go home! I wanna go home!' Which was distressing to all of us, of course, because she was home." ]

ii. unknown

[ "FUCK YOU IF YOU EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN / I'LL SHOVE MY HANDS DOWN YOUR THROAT / AND RIP OUT THE VERY HEART YOU STOLE FROM ME / UNTIL YOU CAN'T BREATHE AND THE HAUNTING / IMAGES FILL YOUR BRAIN AND THE BUGS / EAT YOUR REMAINS THERE WILL BE NO / REMORSE FROM ME AND I HOPE OU ROT IN THE GRAVE / YOU STOLE MY CHILDHOOD FROM ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT" ]

iii. @/southern-gothic-decay

[ "2. You can always make things more difficult. Draw it out. Make it interesting. Oh, you don't want to follow someone else's blueprints? Oh, you want to create something new? Too bad. We can't all be architects. Some of us were born to lay the bricks. Some of us were born to hide the bodies. You've been building this house since you were born, just like your father. Just like your father, you will not live to see it finished. The house has been a nursery. The house has been a burial site. The house is swallowing bodies before the blood has dried. Your inheritance is a knife's edge. Your inheritance is a culling. When the time comes, even your coffin will be a family heirloom. Come, make sure the measurements are right." ]

iv. Adonis (tr. Khaled Mattawa), Body

[ "And his ghosts said: Let's move on / Before the body is piling itself upon itself / secret by secret / Rot is also a heart / rot is also childhood / rot is also what love is" ]

v. Mary Oliver, Metamorphosque

[ "In the beginning I was so young and such a stranger to myself I hardly existed. I had to go out into the world and see it and hear it and react to it, before I knew at all who I was, what I was, what I wanted to be." ]

vi. Nikki Giovanni, Adulthood II

[ "There is always something / of the child / in us that wants / a strong hand to hold / through the hungry season / of growing up" ]

vii. Warsan Shire, Bless the Daughter Raised by a Voice in Her Head

[ "Mama, I made it / out of our home / alive, raised by / the voices in my head." ]

viii. Team Dresch, Uncle Phranc

[ "My mom says she loves me / But i don't think it's love / Cause she only loves me / When i act just like she does // And that's emotional blackmail" ]

ix. @/elsiewarrenswords

[ "I think that's what happens when you've lived a lonely childhood. You get too attached to people as you get older, in the hope that they'll give you the care and love that you missed out on and never leave you." ]

x. Wych elm, Susan Smith

[ "Why'd you do this to me / I was your baby / You made me" ]

[werrrrrd]

CHARLES XAVIER X OC PT.7

PLEASE READ PREVIOUS PARTS FOR WARNINGS!!!

Part IV

Mays Point of view:

I woke up. I didn't open my eyes yet though. I felt slow, like I had just slept a little bit too well for it to be normal and my mind still felt slightly unaware. It felt almost like the first night I had met Charles. Except I was in pain.

 I tried to figure out who was near me. Several voices talked to one another. I reached out with my powers to see if I could recognize them but I strained, my brain foggy and unsharp. “I don't understand why she's here? This is something that could completely derail the entire mission.” said a man's voice, he felt familiar but It wasn't someone I knew well.

“Shut up. He knows what he's doing.” someone replied. This heartbeat also familiar, one I had felt before.

“I'm not so sure.” Said the first voice again

I felt myself attached to an IV and I could feel that my head had been bandaged and I remembered where I had been just before this. I kept my hands still and tried to feel out the people in the room. I could tell they were mutants, their blood pulsing quicker, stronger, thicker more than a human’s would. I could always differentiate between a human and a mutant. Suddenly a few others entered the room and I mentally face palmed for missing their approach, I was out of it a little more than I thought I was

“Is she still unconscious?” a girl said

“She hasnt stirred.” said the voice I had heard before

I felt a body come up next to me. The next thing I knew, the seemingly more frequent connection between mine and Charles' mind occurred again, startling me.

“Pretending to be asleep are we?” He said aloud. My eyes flew open and made contact with his. His hand dropped from his temple as his eyes crinkled warmly. For a moment all I could focus on was the sharpness of those blue eyes. He had a pleasant expression on his face as he looked down at me. He was so close to me, his arms leaning on the bed beside me. I let out a shaky breath I had been holding before looking around at the others near me. Mostly the people who had gone on the mission with Charles the last two times we had met. Erik, the man who had pinned me to the wall with his metal manipulating powers, had a quicker heart rate than that of the others, although all of them seemed to be on edge. All but Charles. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked me warmly. I sat up in the bed and groaned inwardly at the slight ache in my back and head that made itself known as I moved. 

“Fine, yeah.” I replied. Charles smiled, pleased with my answer. “Are you concussed?” he pushed further

“Probably.” I said shortly. I felt even more on edge than the rest of these people did. All of them had reason to kill me. Even in my poor state I wasn't worried of getting hurt if someone came at me, I would be able to stop them. I would not have the concentration to let their blood remain flowing in their bodies though and worried that I may kill them by accident. With that said, I would have preferred not to start a fight. I wasn't quite sure why I was here at all. This was a very dangerous situation for me. Not to mention Shaw must be wondering where I was and would be even more angry with the fact that I hadn't alerted him immediately. Though, they might have thought I was dead if they hadn't looked at my devices and saw my charts, as well as my location. The fact was, I shouldn't be here. Something both sides would agree on. Everyone seemed to think so except Charles. Shaw would not be pleased to know I was here with them and not attacking. If I could get back to the parking garage then Shaw would eventually pick me up after he thought it was safe to return, they could pick me up. But if he saw I was here, wherever here was then Charles would be found out.

“I need to go,” I said, moving off the bed. It seemed that I was in a plane, fortunately we were not in flight and outside looked like Russia still.

“Wait no, you arent completely stable yet,” Said a tall boy standing near the monitor that was attached to me. Charles' strong hands guided my shoulders gently back onto the bed.

“No really,” I said, putting my hands on his wrists and subtly resisting.

“Darling, you nearly died. You need more time to recover, let us help you.” He said, his voice making my brain hum. I hesitated while also repressing butterflies in my stomach, before leaning back down. I couldn't say no to that face now, I could stay for just a moment longer. 

The scrape on my back had been bandaged and felt sticky, I flexed my hands, using my powers to make sure it wasn't my blood seeping out. Several people around the room jumped and lunged towards me. Erik put his hands up and came towards me like lightning with murder in his eyes.

“Wait, stop.” Charles’ hands flew up defensively as did mine, this caused even more commotion as Erik's hands came and slammed my arms down against the bed with my hands enclosed in his fists, my head ached trying to process how quickly things were going wrong. He took a moment to glare at me. He was rather intimidating I'll admit, not to mention very close to my face. I turned my head away feeling the fear bubble up, often Shaw gave me that same look, fear fueled fury, the need for control. Charles put a hand on Erik's shoulder who snapped up to face him. Charles’ brows furrowed and he gave Erik an understanding but firm look, tilting his head down slightly, to get him off of me. Erik glanced back at me once before backing off with a huff. 

“I just wanted to check the state of my back. I don't mean any harm” I said carefully

A girl with blond hair and a nice but cautious smile came to my side. “It's alright, everyone just needs to calm down” She glances at the others in the room

“Thankyou Raven,” Charles looks at her fondly “She's not going to hurt anyone…”

“How do you know?” a younger boy questioned with his hands folded in front of him

Charles paused and looked at me briefly with almost a questioning expression on his face before looking back at the boy. Only half a second had passed before he spoke again

“If she wanted to, she would have done it already.” Everyone looked around and acknowledged the truth of that statement. He was right of course. If I wanted to I could have been able to kill them all before they even knew I was awake, which was why I was especially worried about using my powers right now. I would kill them with too much ease, so much ease that it would be hard not to kill them. 

“You see?” Charles spoke again addressing the others “no need to fret.” He returned his gaze to me. “We applied a balm to help it stop any pain but it's not actively bleeding, you should be ok in a couple hours.”

“Thankyou,” I said sincerely “but I really do need to go now.” I pushed up again. “Shaw will be-”

“See? She's loyal to Shaw, Charles! She needs to be locked up.” Erik threw his hands around. I began to feel my anger flare up but suppressed it, my emotions would not help this situation deescalate.

“Erik, we don't have-” Charles was interrupted.

“No! You've put the whole team in danger bringing her here and we can't have her running off to shaw and telling him where we are and where to aim the nukes!” 

I saw a flash of hurt in Charles’ eyes that I couldn't help but feel responsible for. 

The blonde girl Raven spoke up before I could but in and explain. “Erik, calm down! She's clearly not actively trying to harm us! She's just sitting there.” She motioned to me. The team glanced at me and I saw several people swallow and rest their eyes on me, still nervous. “I- I don't want to kill you. But I really can't stay” I confirmed. I couldn't help but feel like Shaw's weapon again. Even with him who knows how far away, he still had a strong hold on me. Shaw had invested in a pair of high tech remote shock devices that worked from a pretty long distance, Id never gotten farther than his reach. Back when I tried to run off, the first few months after he kidnapped me, I had gotten pretty far. One night I thought that maybe I had made it past even their reach. But come morning I felt the buzzing, and then I was brought to my knees at the intensity of the shocks and laid helplessly while Shaw came to pick me up and return me to his side. He never stopped me from running, just reminded me that I would never actually escape. 

Those devices, which he had hooked up to a small screen as well as the remote in his ring, could notify him of my heart rate, when plugged into the monitor correctly, proving I had survived somehow. These little devices also contained trackers which could also be shown on the monitor when told to. I just prayed he didn't know what the location of my tracker meant, that he hadn't already checked. If he showed up then I knew what that meant for the people here, even if they got out of here quickly, I wasn't sure Shaw would be far behind. And Erik had been mostly right. I was, although not willingly, potentially giving Shaw the exact coordinates of where his enemies, the people actively trying to stop his plan and would now be a target, were. The only hope of him not finding out what was located where I was was for me to not linger and get back right away so he wouldn't even notice that I had ever left. I realized how selfish it would be to stay and let them take care of me, even if it was begrudgingly. No matter how much I wanted to be near Charles, putting him or his friends in danger was not alright.

I got up, wide eyed and worriedly pulling out the IV and causing a scab to form to keep me from bleeding on my clothes which were still tattered and dusty but in better shape than they should have been considering what had happened earlier. Charles reached for me to stop me from getting out of bed but I stood and stared him down. He recognised fear and determination in my eyes, so he stopped and put his arms down slowly. “Are you sure?’ he asked. His eyes pleaded for me to stay near. Careful and worried, sympathetic even. I almost broke again just at the sight of him. These people could help me. I could help them. And I craved to be near Charles. But not now I couldn't. If I went rogue now I really would compromise their mission and also their lives. Shaw would only follow me. “Yes. I'm sure.” I spoke firmly. Charles looked at me like he understood every feeling ive ever had, like he had read my mind and sifted through my memories and yet I still knew that that wasn't the case. He knew I was afraid. He could feel the nausea rise in my belly. He nodded at me and I took off past the curtains that had been set up around my medical bed. Erik and the blonde boy objected and called to Charles as he followed me out of the space. “What's wrong?” He said once he had caught up to my quick strides. I glanced around the plane looking for an exit. He took my arm and guided me down the aisle walking quickly. I followed even though I wasn't sure if he was taking me to an exit or somewhere they could lock me up. I trusted him and my mind was buzzing again slightly at the feeling of his hand on my arm.

“Shaw will find you if I stay here.” I said rushedly. He furrowed his brows looking intensely at the floor before turning me around a small corner. In front of us was an exit. Outside it was mostly dark “How?” he asked and stopped me once we got a few feet away. Both of his hands rested on my shoulders. He ducked his head slightly to be level with me and searched my eyes. I reached for my neck to feel where the devices were embedded in my neck, about to explain before I looked outside and saw the night coming, time moving quicker than I had expected. Too quick. “No time.” I moved for the door but he held me back and forced our eyes together again.

“Fine, don't tell me. But please May, stay safe” He looked at me so earnestly that it took my breath away. My throat closed before I nodded at him.

“Thankyou, for saving me, Charles. And your friends.” I said genuinely, feeling like I should match his kindness and vulnerability. He had brought me here in order to keep me safe despite the risks and It was the most anyone had done for me since I had gone to the institution and been with Lou.

He smiled at me, taking my breath away again, before nudging his head in the direction of the door, urging me to go. 

“Follow the road just out East that way, and then walk along the freeway. You'll run into the parking garage but dont go too close, I'm sure the authorities will have been notified about its collapse by now.” He directed. I was grateful I didn't even have to ask. “Good luck may.”

I breathed out once more while we looked into each other's eyes and then I gave in and went for the door, his hands slipping away.

Once I was out into the cool air I went down a small set of stairs that had been set up at the exit. I glanced back at the plane, military grade, yet it felt oddly homey in there. It drew me back although I knew it wasnt the plane that was drawing me back, it was Charles who was stood still at the open door watching me go. We looked at each other silently. I let out a breath of air and glanced at my feet before I kept going.

Once a little ways away from the plane and down the first road I felt myself finally be able to breath normally. My brain stopped itching to reconnect to Charles once I got a ways down the side of the freeway. I started to miss the sensation when It wasnt present. I shivered at the loss and felt a little naked somehow. At least, with Charles' brain attached to my own, I didn't feel so lonely. Now, it was just me In the dark on an empty gravel road with the sound of loud cars and honking on the other side of the large fence to my left. Soon It would be me with Shaw and that would be much much worse. I couldn't help but think about how this was the first time I had been on my own since I had last tried to run away and here I was making my way back to the man responsible for that. But what choice did I have? After perhaps an hour of walking, I saw the obliterated parking garage, police lights flashing like Charles had warned me. I sat myself on a curb across the street and checked myself for any proof that I had been helped by Charles. I peeled the bandage off the side of my head and redirtied my face with the soil next to me. I waited for a couple more hours, the police slowly leaving until it was just me. Shaw's car eventually pulled up and I picked myself off of my sore butt and got into the SUV, feeling numb.

“Glad to see you made it out alive.” Shaw said from the passenger seat. I hummed in response, If it weren't for Charles then I wouldn't have, But Shaw could never know that. Azezel patted me on the shoulder from the back seat, the gesture as comforting as it could be coming from him.

“Lots to do, May. We have Lots to do” Shaw smiled menacingly facing forward making me shiver.

[otter-chaos-violence]

Here some whump. its been drifting in my google docs for a while, but here

its part of a larger series but won't be on tumblr

---

I lay on my back, reading the book Doctor Harland had just given me. I liked it thus far.

He kneeled next to me, petting my stomach while he hooked me up to some kind of machine. I dropped the book, remembering the page number, and I found myself unable to move.

“It’ll be over in a minute,” he whispered. I didn’t respond as my brain went foggy and I closed my eyes.

He bashed me in the side of the face, and my eyes flew open. 

I stared at him, and he said, “Begin test number G-1-7-8-8,”

My muscles tensed and I went numb as something inserted itself in both sides of my neck and my muscles spasmed and I thrashed abou-

—

I came to with my muscles stiff.

“Test failed,” Doctor Harland remarked. “We need to deal with the epilepsy,”

He fastened an oxygen mask over my face and put an IV in my skin.

“We’ll feed you tonight, ‘kay? Just sleep off th-,”

Darkness.

—

I opened my eyes in my bed, and Doctor Harland entered a few minutes later.

“Sit up,” he ordered. I obeyed, and he handed me my book again.

“I’ll get you a treat for sitting quietly and letting us test our new device on you,”

I didn’t respond, immersed in the book’s world. It was about a girl who discovered she was the daughter of King Oberon from ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’. Doctor Harland said he would get me the rest of the series after giving me a modern translation of the play so I could better understand it.

He held out something that smelled sweet and I took it, then ate it, my tail wagging happily.

He pet my head and I purred.

“One-two-seven-three, any strange feelings?” He asked.

“No,” I chirped. 

“Good. Good. Nausea? Tiredness? Breathing normally?”

He checked my heart rate and breathing for any abnormalities.

“Normal. Okay. Darling little test subject, we’re going to try and treat the illness that made this test fail. We’re going to cure it,”

“What illness?” I asked.

“You- have a reaction to certain things, and it causes you to stop existing for a minute, meaning we can’t do certain tests. We try to treat it and you don’t respond to medications, so we need to cut it out,”

I felt something cold on my wrist and whimpered, “No, not again, don’t look at my brain- please!”

“What? No. The procedure requires you to be awake or you’ll die, we’ve already tested it, and it’s painful. We’d give you painkillers, but that’s unsafe until after,”

I shuddered and hissed when he brought his hand to my tail. I tried to bite him as he tied it under the bed and shackled my other three wrists and my ankles to the bed.

“Please! NO!”

“It’ll all be over soon,”

He called for Doctor Fletcher and Doctor Amatris. Doctor Amatris held my chest down and Doctor Fletcher attached electrodes to my skull, and I felt like I exploded a few minutes later. I shrieked and thrashed around, when I heard something snap.

“Oh shit!” Doctor Amatris shouted.

I felt the pain dull a bit, and Doctor Harland whispered, “Its over, you’re going to have morphine tablets now,”

“Okay,” I mumbled before changing form to my more human self and laying back, my forehead caked with sweat. They undid the shackles, and Doctor Amatris took my hand in hers and the trio set my leg in a splint. 

I cried out and whimpered, “Hurts,” when Doctor Fletcher shoved a capsule into my mouth and held my lips shut until I swallowed, then gave me water.

I rolled to my side and shivered, still in deep pain. I started crying and Doctor Harland sat me up and started hand feeding me between each sob. It was cold, barely seasoned chicken, like always.

When I was done, I dove under the bed, where it was calmest, no one trying to talk to me, even though it was dark.

“One-two-seven-three, don’t be like that,” Doctor Fletcher said. “Do you want to undo all the progress in training out that habit?”

I hissed at him and swatted at his ankles, then curled into a ball and continued crying into my fur.

Doctor Amatris kneeled in front of me and held out her hand. I didn’t take it. She very gently petted the fluff on my neck, and I continued sobbing, though it made me feel a bit better.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “The pain’s over now,”

She very slowly pulled me out, as though acclimating a fish from one tank to another. At one point I had a couple fish and a snail, and in a rage, Doctor Harland smashed the tank, killing all three of them. I cried for weeks after that, as at that point, I’d been taking care of them for four years.

“There, how do you feel?”

“Hurts,” I croaked, my voice raw. It felt like the color red to speak.

She lifted me and set me back on the bed, tucked me in like a mother would her child, and kissed me on where my forehead would be, and when she left, Doctor Harland inserted an IV into my skin. She wasn’t allowed to see it, for some reason, I wasn’t even sure if she knew.

I closed my eyes and let sleep take me.

—

What was supposed to be a dreamless sleep became a nightmare, one where I was playing with a child, and we were about the same height. It was all flashing lights and pain and fear when someone grabbed me, and-

I woke up, screaming for someone whose name I didn’t remember. The IV had broken.

I took off my oxygen mask and sobbed in the dark. Normally Doctor Harland stayed to make sure I felt safe at night, it was too dark for me. I wished I had control of my lights, but past lights-out, they couldn’t be turned on unless Doctor Harland or someone else swiped a keycard.

I heard rapid footsteps, and a woman in a dark blue uniform with a thick black stick and a big spiky club opened the door, then said into a strange black box, “False alarm. One of them woke up, over,”

A garbled voice came from the box, “How?”

“Its IV looks broken,”

“Which one?”

She stepped back and looked at the sign that said my room number with a beam of light that came from a black stick. 

I ran over and took the lightstick after a bit of back and forth, then clicked the button on and off as she said, “It just took my flashlight,”

I called, “Room 5-6-6 B!” and went back to playing with the ‘flashlight’, then grabbed my book and started reading with the concentrated beam of light.

The woman repeated the room number I gave her and said, “I’m gonna need back-up to get it back into bed, its strong,”

I got under my bed and continued reading, until someone else in a dark blue uniform grabbed me and bashed me with a spike on their club. I dropped the ‘flashlight’ and-

-

I came to with my upper wrists shackled to my bed’s headboard and my entire body numb.

“Okay, so, two hundred million watts can cause seizures. Duly noted,” the one who’d hit me with the spike muttered.

“Seizure? Watt?” I parroted, trying to get feeling back in my tongue. “Why’d you do that?”

“Holy shit it talks,” the woman said. 

“Yes I talk, why wouldn’t I talk? Also, I’m not an it, I’m- I’m a girl,”

“Someone get one of the night shift doctors,” the woman ordered. Another person left the room.

“It’s dark!” I complained.

The woman groaned and said, “Deal with it, how old are you, seven, eight?”

“Thirteen, fourteen in four months and two days,”

“How are you that old? Why haven’t you committed suicide yet?” the man asked.

“Suicide?” I’d parroted. I knew what it met at a base level, but in books they always said it in association with a stupid battle plan. 

“You know, killing yo-”

“I know what it means, I just thought it only went with wars?”

“What?”

“In books,” I chirped. I motioned to one that said it, then said the page number.

“Oh-kaaay, you can read,”

“Isn’t that normal? Well except illiteracy rates in fantasy places, but isn’t it normal now?”

The man who’d left returned with Doctor Amatris.

“One-two-seven-three, what’s wrong?” she asked.

“I had a nightmare,” I replied.

“Come here,”

“I can’t,”

She took a key from one of the security guards and unlocked my manacles, then lifted me into her arms, though it was much more awkward than when I was little, considering I was about as big as her now.

I laid my chin on her shoulder, and she carried me away, off to another room, this one with more light.

“We oughta get you a nightlight,”

“Nightlight?” I parroted. “What’s that?”

“Its a little light that plugs into a wall and makes the room brighter,”

She unhooked a little square that glowed blue until it exited the wall, “Normally they come in fun shapes, but until I go shopping tomorrow, we can use this one. I’ll get a bunch of them and let you pick them out, okay?”

“Okay,” I chirped.

She carried me back to my room and lay me on my bed, and I grabbed her arm and whimpered, “Don’t go. Don’t leave me alone,”

“I have to go back to work,”

“I’m scared,” I whimpered. 

She turned back around and fastened my oxygen mask on my mouth and nose.

“You’ll be fine. And if you wake up again, I’ll come back and keep you company ‘til you fall asleep again. Now close your eyes, goodnight, don’t let the bed bugs bite,”

“What’s a bed bug?”

“You don’t want to know,”

She shuddered and tucked me in, then kneeled next to me and rubbed my forehead to calm me. But sleep would be a long time coming. I didn’t fall asleep until all the lights turned back on.

[luxsea]

so i finally beat bg3 for the first time last night :))

also hap halloweenie :]

(not all but some) thoughts dump

im honestly so glad i got spoiled for karlachs ending back at the start of act 2 so i had time to go thru the stages of grief, make sad playlists, etc bc my tav/karlach really hit me like a truck. i knew i was going to romance her before i even got the game bc she literally is the reason i started playing to begin with but doing her route feels very right for a first playthrough bc imo despite how devastating and lacking her story can be it sure does shine when its good. her introspective moments you can only get if you romance her are everything to me. knowing she cant be saved in the end lead me to choose more accepting dialogue options which lead to infinitely more satisfying and at times inspiring scenes than if i pushed the "what if"

as for the very end, in a way karlachs dying scene and/or going to avernus scene is a lot more than what most characters get even if theyre youre romanced character... despite her ending being shafted to begin with?? which is ridiculous. (correct me if im wrong. most of them had nothing to say and what ive seen uploaded ie shadowhearts romanced ending is so meh) lae'zels orpheus ending did make me tear up, everyone else was just kinda standing there wearing ridiculous armor bc i forgot.......

despite everything im really happy with karlachs scenes? and idk if thats just bc they were the romanced versions and bc i didnt have my hopes up for her (if i hadnt been spoiled i wouldve been LIVID) but it rlly was one of the most touching moments for me. the "how'd i do?" "you were spectacular in every way" "for you. and for the city, and for myself, and blah blah. but most of all for you" caressing tavs face and her repeating back to herself that she was spectacular like shes at peace just by those words alone. "it's the one thing i can't beat, isn't it? same below as above. i love. you." and the blue flames of all her love for them searing hot white and killing her engine faster?!? ough "you more than anything. i saw- ...goodbye, sun. goodbye, sea. goodbye" I FEEL SICK I FEEL UNWELL. i should be crying but my heart just aches she's just everything to me okay!!

and the avernus scene is better than i thought it would be, the music is so sweet and badass, sharing cigars!!, lots of gay fuel for my fire, the feeling that its just the start of a new journey and not the end, charging together into the hells its so mwah mwah as long as you ignore the trauma and the fact that we couldve solved this any other way!! (do wish wyll wasnt treated like an awkward third wheel if the three of you go considering he's the one who advocates for her and going to avernus is part of his ending too. but ofc im also going she's my wife and the interaction is rlly touching)

as far as the rest of the game the emperors writing was so flimsy and uh they did a really good job making it feel like your choices didnt matter much in the end considering the praise its gotten and how the game was marketed. rip it needs some serious work but i didnt hate it. karlach brain worms take a lot of credit

my highest praises overall are that ive never felt this attached to a player character that i've made before and ive never seen a more memorable cast of npcs. there's too many stand out moments to count that it makes the insane amount of lag and bugs i had worth powering thru

BUT IM FINALLY FREE I CAN FINALLY REPLAY AND DO IT ALL AGAIN BUT BETTER

[thedaysrefrain]

every couple of weeks i battle w myself internally over being friends with him n honestly i hate it cause why do i think about it sm n why does he have sm affect over my mental..its not normal. n its not even really his own doing. its purely just my mind my brain. its so confusing n frustrating. why cant i think of him as any other friend i have that i can independently not talk to n not always have on my mind almost every day like??? this isn’t normal for a friendship right?? why do i feel this way? i try to just ignore it n let it be because sometimes if i just let things be on my mind will rest n hes not the forefront of my mind but the way how ive had full on breakdowns over the thought of him is terrifying..why am i like this? why cant i just view him as one of my friends? do i already have this unhealthy attachment to him internally to the point its fucking w everything??? im so fucking confused n idk what to do n i dont want to come to terms w anything cause i love having him in life