#its also 2 am so that doesnt help
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savethepinecones · 2 years ago
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oh i have no idea what im doing
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dvasva · 2 years ago
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Tbh? I think the radiant emperor duology deserves more critique than it gets in its tag, so after stewing it over for a couple weeks and also discussing it with my friend, I have decided to do it myself.
So. Spoilers for She Who Became the Sun and He Who Drowned The World ahead.
First off, so nobody accuses me of hating the series, I liked the series. I'd say I'd give the first book a 4.5/5, I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I like both books. I truthfully skipped the fisting scene, it triggered some dysphoria that I wasn't comfortable with personally but I don't have problem with it existing in the book, it's good where it is, no changes.
No, my critiques come mostly from the second book, hwdts. Which sucks because I absolutely loved Baoxiang in it, it's a well known fact that my ideal type is pretty, really mean, characters. ('What about Madam Zhang?!!!???!? Shes mean and pretty!!' I hear you ask. Give it a second cause i will get to my beloved madam zhang) So, my critiques are mostly organized as 'The first part I didn't like in Hwdtw that signals the thing that became my biggest issue, the bits in the middle that i did like along with the bits that I felt didn't really work well, and Act 3 which is where my issues really were exacerbated.'
By the end of book one, I had a general annoyance but acceptance that Ma Xiuying was a bit of a weak character, and not weak as in 'dang shes a woman and cant fight' or any other sexist way you may interpret that, but weak as in structurally, she didn't really have as much depth as other characters. I thought she didn't have as much time put into her character as others. And yeah you could have a million character analysis essays over Ma and her place in the story and etc, but for me, her setup for the next book as potentially having conflict with Zhu or her own morals was the most interesting part of Ma. In general I think a lot of people tend to overlook this flaw partly because Ma is a cis lesbian character and the main 'love interest' in a book that is usually marketed to people as sapphic, which yeah there is certainly a sapphic relationship in the book but I think saying it's a major part of the book is really giving the relationship a load bearing wall ot isn't strong enough to carry. The Radiant Emperor Duology is not a romance, first and foremost. To describe it as a wlw romance is gonna leave people who read ot specifically for that reason kinda dissappointed by the end of book 2.
My big critiques didn't start until book two, and a particular scene, though. Ma, at the start of book two, was generally filling the niche of 'nagging wife' to zhu, which yknow, is a fine place to start from. I was a little disappointed there was no further discussion of Ma's disapproval of the morality of Zhu's actions, and in fact the dead child was pretty much entirely forgotten by Ma in favor of being Zhu's wife. Which, yknow, sure.
The Scene I had issue with happened (Spoilers once again) after Zhu finally captures Ouyang and imprisons him at her base of operations. Ma, dressed in her empressly regalia enters his room with the intention of being the bigger person. She walks in, looks at the stripped down and humiliated general who killed her father and famously is also really a women hater, and tells him she forgives him for killing her father. And then she gets upset and cries when the prideful general who hates women gives her a dressing down and taunts her and is like 'I'm glad I killed your father'? She nearly cries because Ouyang was mean to her (notably only cause he was mean to her and didn't gracefully accept her forgiveness, not because he killed ehr father) and runs off to Zhu. And Zhu responds with 'Wow, he's just a weirdo, everyone likes you and everyone in existance immediately knows you're a good person and you change people.' Which, my friend suggested before she finished the book, was a case of Zhu placating Ma and dismissing her feelings which would be an interesting dynamic.
Really my hangups with this scene come from multiple parts.
1. Ma' few character traits including being observant and reading people really well (a thing she's praised for in book 1) and having good social intuition are completely thrown out by her thinking being alone with ouyang and forgiving him would be a good idea and then her being shocked and upset when he spat on her forgiveness. And
2. Zhu's response is never once treated by the text as her dismissing Ma and placating her, and Zhu's statement despite never being shown to be true before and that moment being the first time it's ever mentioned, ends up becoming Chekov's moral purity by the end of the book, where the plot hinges on Ma being able to magically heal a damaged character's mind enough for Zhu to win in the end. Which I will get back to. There's a lot of other stuff happening between here and the end.
So, before I get back to Ma and her role in the story, I'll address some other bits from after this scene. Both problems and things I enjoyed generally.
Madam Zhang and her parallels to Baoxiang and her being the absolute queen of dissociating really was interesting (before act 3). She was a very compelling character who I completely understood and felt positively about. She had a way more interesting relationship with gender imo than Ma did, especially in book 2. I didn't really like that she was overwhelmingly shown having sexual villence done to her, that felt weirdly like a punishment. But, I did like her a whole bunch, and I liked the look we got into her head. She was probably my second, maybe third, favorite character in the whole book until Act 3.
I really, really liked Ouyangs dynamic and relationship with Zhu. The weird sexual tension between them, their weird kinda nonsexual but also kinda very sexual S&M relationship. It was somehow the most sensual, sexual part of a book that featured Madam Zhang having sex with multiple people, and Zhu going down on Ma, and a lot of other mentions of sex or scenes involving sex. Tbh I feel like, in a way, Ma was left to the sidelines for most of the book because Ouyang became the primary 'love' interest for a hot second there and the only reason Ma could get her spot back was Ouyang and Zbu's separation. Also, from what I've seen when people talk about this book, they always kinda try to express Zhu and Ouyang's dynamic as very nonsexual and nonromantic, as platonic mostly. And there is no inherent superiority of romantic over platonic, but I think to insist that it is only platonic, and not a strange swirl of romantic, platonic, sexual, frustration and relief, and a swirl of familiarity and vulnerability all wrapped into one, is doing the dynamic a bit of a disservice. And ther is, imo, very clearly a subtle hint of romantic intent and interest on Ouyang's part before he realizes Zhu has a body he hates.
Which is also another point I didn't like. Ouyang and Zhu's relationship end felt off. The entire bit with the pirates felt off, but especially how Ouyang found out about Zbu's body, and how Zhu reacted. I think Ouyang finding out second hand, from a combination of being suspicious and from Jiang saying it, was a poor way for that to be revealed. I think there was a better way for that to happen that woyld have felt more like a betrayl to zhu than this did. The fact that Zhu and Ouyang were so in tune and could see each other perfectly, but this one thing was a blind spot for both of them because of how unaffected by gender Zhu was compared to how overaffected by gender Ouyang was is a really interesting thing to explore, an interesting disconnect between two character's whose entire basis for their relationship is 'like recognizes like'. I think Zhu seeing it as a betrayl would have been more impactful if she had presented this informatuon to Ouyang herself and been rejected than how it went down. And, I think her not realizing Ouyang would be disgusted that he felt connected and felt a sameness to someone with a body he found grotesque and that he feared would have been more interesting for zhu, who views herself outside of womanhood and didnt really think that other people would not see her outside of womanhood, if she was the one who told ouyang herself.
Also, less importantly, think going into Ouyangs annoyance that zhu kept moving his target further away was a good move but it wasn't expanded on as much for my taste. I also really liked it when (spoiler) Xu Da dies, and that entire part despite some minir bits, was extremely good in that Zhu finally has tasted loss. She had, up until that point, been riding a wave of positivity, she was the underdog who won over and over again despite all the odds and despite her own reckless choices. So I did appreciate that everything went wrong for her at least once. that would have been, imo if other things were changed, a good place to end a book two in a three book series. Which will make sense as to why I mention it im a bit.
I also didn't like how Ma was nonexistant unless the plot was like 'ok we need to remind people that Ma exists.'
And there's of course other stuff but those are the main points of acts 1 and 2 that i wasn't fond of or that i liked.
Act 3 is a wholely different behemoth which can be encapsulated with 'I wish it was longer but also different' (courtesy of the convo my friend and I had).
My friend and I both agreed that we liked this kind of courtly drama game it was playing. My friend doesn't tend to like the structure or writing style of a lot of the chinese wuxia, danmei, or courtly drama translated books i read, so it was nice to know that the genre content isn't the issue for her there.
The biggest problems I had with the ending though was 1. I think Baoxiang and Ma had an interesting dynamic despite it being really rushed and how distasteful I found the entire concept of Ma being such a good wholesome goody good good person that she could change Baoxiang, quiet his demons and fix him in some way. That was annoying in an otherwise interesting dynamic. And 2. I think Madam Zhang's character traits and cleverness and all that were wiped away to make her inexplicably jealous of Ma in a way that I don't think fit her character and just served to fit a trope of jealous empress who hates the favored concubine.
So, here's my major proposed changes.
1. Ma gets sent to Khanbaliq extremely early on. Like, act one maybe after ouyang is captured early. This serves three purposes. A. Ma has something to do and is more present in the story. this could be a good xhance to let her actually feel frustrated or upset at Zhu in some tangible way that needs to be resolved or talked thru eventually. B. she gets more time to build a relationship with Baoxiang, whose entire defeat hinges on him having a strong connection with her. and C. Her absence in the other parts of the book feel less like she's being ignored or forgotten. It makes Zhu's lack of haste more than just a way to annoy Ouyang, and turns it into an interesting moral choice. Should she rush to Khanbaliq to save Ma or trust that Ma will be ok in favor of gaining power? Her lack of haste means Ouyang leaves, depressed, and she loses Xu Da, all while she doesn't even have the assurance that Ma is ok, she is truly at her lowest point with nobody with her. If Ma is in Khanbaliq and that's explored, then Zhu and Ouyang can also explore their dynamic without Ma feeling a bit like she is battling for Zhu's attention.
2. Madam Zhang is suspicious of Ma, or feels actually tangibly threatened by Ma. In act 3, Madam Zhang's anger towards Ma feels really out of place. She got exactly what she wants, she is empress, her emperor isn't interested in removing her from her position and her position isn't threatened by anyone. Baoxiang won't get rid of her, he won't demote her, he has shown zero sign of ever even considering it. So, why is Madam Zhang jealous of Ma? Imo, especially since she very clearly has dissociated into oblivion and has no love or affection for anyone anymore, and no real desire or motivation to secure her position further aside from maybe producing an heir to make sure shes taken care of after Baoxiang dies, there's no reason for her to be inextricably jealous of Ma. It kinda just erases all of Madam Zhang's political savvy and cunning into jealous, petty woman, and that sucks. If she was suspicious of Ma's intention, or Baoxiang genuinely expressed spmething that actively threatened her position, her hatred of Ma would make sense, but instead she hates Ma cause Ma is ugly and spends every night with Baoxiang. She hated rice buckets concubine cause that concubine used a lot of funds and competition genuinely made her position less stable. She needs better motivation for hating Ma.
3. As I mentioned earlier, Zhu needs to be the one to tell Ouyang that she does not have a dick. That's just all around better, it feels more like a betrayl to bare your secrets and be rejected, etc etc.
4. The duology should have been a trilogy, with book 3 starting when Zhu is at her lowest, ouyang is dead, ma is in khanbaliq, Xu Da is dead, a new guy is the emperor. This is where a book three should have started. in a series that has so many important characters, i feel like it needs more space. she's in a 10 gallon tank when really she needs a 30 gallon tank. Lots of it, especially towards the end of book 2, felt rushed and the extra book will absolutely push that back a bit and make it less rushed.
Anyways that's my critique of The Radiant emperor duology. Once Again, I liked the series, its one of my favorites i've read all year. I don't dislike it, and having a critique or opinion about something doesnt mean I didn't like the book or understand the book (because obviously if i understood it i would understand why its flawless). I liked it, there are things I wish were different, that's it.
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depresseddepot · 6 months ago
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literally the only thing my dad does is hurt his back and yell. how am I supposed to buy a gift for someone like that
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bmpmp3 · 8 months ago
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post ankle-twisting clarity
#i slipped in the mudddddd the other day LOL i twisted my one ankle and scraped up my other knee#so the past few days ive just been kind of needing to waddle around.....#LUCKILY its healing well and fast <3 but yknow i was like#so stressed out over shit that doesnt matter in school. and like this is an awful unintentional habit i have but i will get like#overly stressed over shit and then i'll start getting SUPER careless with everything. and then i'll injure myself foolishly and Calm Down#happened last year with my foolish midnight woodcarving incident LOL its always november....#BUT yeah luckily this years foolish injury is a quick one at least!!#but yeah like genuinely i was so stressed out about all my fine arts major shit. teachers have been really getting on my case recently#my main professor said that it was a good thing people get so riled up with my work because it means its impactful#tbh i didnt believe her at all i thought she was just trying to placate me but then i listened closely to the things faculty say when#they look at my fucking. cartoon wolf drawing or something and i think. she might be right actually. people keep getting frustrated with me#because i think they see a lot of potential in me but i basically only have to drive to draw cartoon wolves etc HFKJSDHJVKRFEds#which is great for my ego. maybe too good for my ego. that my mark making and colour use etc is so evocative to these industry and#instutition people. but on the other hand i was told like thrice now that my work has no place in a gallery. which is fine although im not#totally sure how true that is. but also afterwards one time i was suggested to go into animation instead which is. um.#so its not out of nowhere i mean i did want to be an animator when i was like 10 but if you know anything about the current state of the#animation industry its like genuinely wild to tell someone who you've only seen 2 dimensional watercolour and acrylic painted#sketchy lined drawings from and who has said they cant do digital art anymore that they should get an animation degree?#brother they would kill me. i would be killed. i had an inkling but it really made me notice so clearly how limited the experiences my#faculty kind of have with certain industries. which is fine. or maybe not. for a professor LOL but yknow. but i was like huh. i guess i can#just kind of chill lol if i just keep doing things maybe something will come of it. i may not get as much help in my artistic development#rn as i would like. but its chill i think i'll figure it out if i just keep doing stuff <3#doesnt really matter that my teachers dont know what to do with me. my kneeeee has a booboo so i am CHILLING out :)
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heartyearning · 8 months ago
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i've been having an absolutely Hateful time lately but there are still some good things in life namely !!!!!!
-> my housemates in general but specifically them on the balcony with one of them cutting the other's hair which i can both hear a little bit (like in the background) but am also getting picture updates of on whatsapp -> having good interactions with people in stores. LOVE that shit. when u & the cashier r both in a good mood and you feel that connection 10/10 -> new pair of second hand jeans that i love. WITH an absolute slay belt. -> planning on making pancakes tonight (roommate birthday). slay.
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bedforddanes75 · 5 months ago
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waiiittt........ wait guess what......... cowboys....... this is disgustingly bad (i have reread this seven hundred thousand times please dont listen to me just tell me im amazing and then forget about any potential spelling and or grammar errors). k bye
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em-b-sides · 1 year ago
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I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually
#like its so cute honestly but sometimes i wonder how hard it would actually be to like find the right color match#maybe one day... but for now probably expect oc art with this trend in it maybe 💀#the thing about it too is i have like dark eyes and idk if ive ever seen like a dark brown nail polish. beads or thread yeah but ya#oh nvm i googled. it exists i just dont pay attention ig#OH you know what i can do... i can paint pepperonis eye color on my nails.... my baby... my kitty......#dude it feels like 5 am why is it only 2#amyways. 4 monsters was a big mistake i think... i feel quite icky...#it doesnt help i didnt eat for a majority of the day it was just monster. im really unhealthy. need water maybe#wait i was talking about nail polish how did i get here#i just want to actually do cute couple things. i must heal. im gonna be so healthy.#its fine. lmao. i just know im not ready#oh i did eat btw dont worry lmao i had. chicken nuggets#i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma#my extra pokemon money..... nawr...#i dropped like 10 pounds. my current job is very physical. lots of scuttling around.#i thought about working out too? i had a short phase last year in like spring or something where i started doing workout type stuff#so like.. maybe. probably should. healtly mindset shit yk#i also maybe want some more clothes. like update my wardrobe a bit. really figure out my style.#like some cool shirts and maybe pants. cause i wear a lot of the same stuff#also again. dropped weight so. need better fitting pants.....#i want more mens pants. big pockets... gender....#anyways. nice chatting with you besties. love you guys my silly little tumblr besties.#some of you that follow this sideblog have supported me on here for a while. i see you. i appreciate you. thank you 💖#genuinely there are names that pop up and im like !! hello!!! its you!!!!!#you guys probably know who you are. go get yourself a little treat you deserve it. or like. idk what you enjoy.#play a good game. watch your favorite show. idk. be happy. love yourself.#this also goes out to those of you who are more passive on my blog. i appreciate you too!! thank you!#all my little tumblr followers.... my besties..... unles you are a bot i havent cleared out lmao#k i might have to go to bed idk im tired well see
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blackmageeljin · 2 months ago
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There is a really painful self defeating irony in people who gatekeep goth/punk/emo subcultures.
All of these subcultures are pretty broad and fluid and were formed so outcasts can band together, but if there is ONE "rule" if it can even be called such it is to stand against and question authority.
And then you have some someone come in claiming to be an authority on the subject of a group of rebels and starts policing who is allowed in this collective under the impression it's a secret club and not reclaimed words we have adopted that were once used to belittle and suppress us-
My actual sibling in Christ, Lucifer or whatever Gods you do or do not follow HOW have you SO THOROUGHLY missed the point.
You have become the authority you were supposed to rebel against.
#“real” goth/punk/insert subculture here dont gatekeep. support your outcested siblings dont out them down#can we just not apply 'its a spectrum' to things that arent gay or mental illness????#and make no mistake i want these people to realize they are not helping#but i am never going to tell them theyre kicked out of the Secret Club for fucking up and being confused because that is not how we do shit#like also this is a 'i am still wearing these beat up jeans bc im poor and im owning it' ;#i could write an essay on how subcultures and how their fashion was a direct result of ecenomic states of specific decades#people think emo and grunge have both just existed forever and exist in a vacuum and i am????#telling people they have to make all their clothes themselves or theyre a poser is acrually abelist and missing the point#the point is we used ro be made fun of for not having the money to make the right clothes#now your excluding your siblings for not having the time to make it from scratch#homie grunge was the result of 'what was possible for poor people'#and right now it is a lot less affordible and accessible to distress your own jeans than to biy pre distressed plastic that looks like jeans#DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE JEANS ARE???????#like also this is a 'i am wearing beat up stuff and owning it' vs#'inliterally cannot addord to reduce the lifespan of this garment by distressing it'#homie my 2 dollar baby blue shirt made with slave labor i bought on clearence is more 'grunge' by your standards than#the 20 dollar flannel you boyght ar goodwill that is being sold for more than 3 times what it was originally bought for#because no one WANTS to support megacorps but the system were fighting doesnt give us an option.#im not jesus if i have to chose between ethically sourced things (nevermind the reasearch to prove that claim isnt a lie)#and EATING THAT DAY GEUSS THE FUCK WHAT BUTTER CUP IM BYING THE RICE AND THE BLOOD POLYESTER#not buying a shirt isnt an option bc then u get fired from your job and have even less money ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯#this is just turning into a other povert awareness rant because most of these groups had fundamental origins in poverty#and people are twisting that history to suit their needs#'uhm AcHkTuAlLy you can just do this alternative to avoid supporting-' eat a dick no i cant#like ask yourself 'would i vibe check a homeless person for doing this?' because one of the problems is like#people assume if you have housing in any capacity you are somehow... actually fine and just mismanaging money???#eljin talks#........i hit the tag limit#i deleted tsgs so i could tag actual subcultures but jk im a fucking coward#sigh you win this time anxiety
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st4rstudent · 2 years ago
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Ok the fandom wiki is back to normal as of earlier, so if you accidentally stumble upon it, it'll be fine.
However please make sure to keep using the New and Improved Wiki, which is not only easier to navigate and is more pleasant, but also the new preferred wiki. (Not only to mention the various issues that Fandom wiki has). Bookmark it or something if you need to.
As future reference, it should be noted that vandalism on the fandom wiki will not help take the wiki down due to fandom's policy, despite previous otherwise thoughts (myself included) and the continuous vandalism only brings traction to it. As well as, mentioning the new wiki will have the possibility to demote and ban the current mods of the fandom wiki.
As silly as the entire thing was, please make sure to use the new wiki and refrain from going back to the old one. Especially since last night made the fandom wiki get a lot of traction.
As a reminder, here are some extensions you can use to help avoid using the fandom wiki: 1 (redirector) 2 (wiki.gg redirector) 3 (wiki indie buddy)
and here's the reddit post about it
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wpmz · 6 months ago
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i'm gonna throw up computers are so complicated bro
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waywardsalt · 4 months ago
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song list from my crimson king au playlist :3
rn this playlist is a bit over 2 and a half hours long
again just listing songs w/ the artists/game or show of origin, and while the songs in the space au playlist were much more just there for vibes and the general feeling of that one, the songs in this one have a liiiiittle more to do with the actual tone/plot/what have you. (the big hint is the full name of this au being ‘in the court of the crimson king’ so feel free to guess the most important songs)
(like a few songs in the space au list a few of these have extra titling or w/e as a part of the title but for a few i’m just going to exclude it bc they can get long. side-eyeing the king crimson songs)
The Court of the Crimson King, 21st Century Schizoid Man, I Talk to the Wind, Moonchild, Epitaph (By King Crimson)
Waltz for Zizi, ELM (from Cowboy Bebop)
I. Shinji (From Neon Genesis Evangelion)
Night Running (By Shin Sakura feat. AAAMYYY)
Promise, The Reverse Will (from Silent Hill 2, 2001)
Enemy, Dirty Little Animals, Playground, Snakes (From/Used in Arcane Season 1)
Luminosa, Noms, Kansas (From Rising of the Shield Hero)
Again (By YUI)
Elegy of the Dynast (From Hunter X Hunter 2011)
Exorcist Kyousoukyoku Chapter4 D+T, Exorcist Kyousoukyoku 3rd Mov.: U & Cloud (From Blue Exorcist)
Ikebukuro: Underground District, Traffic, Black Market, Ueno: Underground District, Battle B-4, Shibuya: Underground District (From Shin Megami Tensei IV)
Murder, Behelit (From Berserk 1997)
Feast, Death Trap, Crossing Blades, Last Man Standing, Jaws of the Machine (Yanlao’s Theme), Smile at My Cursed Dream (Lady Ethereal’s Theme), Our Passion (Fuxi and Numa’s Theme), The Path for Us All (Yi’s Theme) (From Nine Sols)
#salty talks#salty’s loz aus#crimson king au#yeah iirc the king crimson song titles have extra stuff in the parentheses but i left it out#mostly bc they were all like ‘including two extra song names) ir whatever but like#based on their combined run time and the run time listed for that album#i think if you just look them up normally and find the long versions youre good#anyways loudly tapping on elegy of the dynast thats a bellum x linebeck playlist song thats a bellum x linebeck song#but yeh a few of these are like Plot/Character Relevant and the king crimson songs basically acted as the framework for this au while i#figured out the basic groundwork#idea is lyrical songs are here for a reason and non lyrical are either plain vibes or for tone or whatnot#the irony of there being a dedicated bellum x linebeck song when the main ship of this is meant to be ganonbeck#playlist is 2 and a half hours and 45 minutes of it is the five king crimson songs#moonchild is 12 minutes long but if im being real. once the lyrics are done you can check out its just Noise from that point on#good maybe if youre working on smth and down for some fun noise but otherwise its no so much like. song continuation#anyways yeh crimson king au songs. both blue exorcist and shield hero i watched once like ages ago and only ever revisit for the music#good stuff#also the nine sols ost bangs go check out the rest of it#oh yeah. in a perfect world where i am king or whatever if this got animated itd go good in the arcane visual style#and i think if you put a particular flavor of linebeck interpretation in the arcane visual style hed look like a jayvik love child#probably doesnt help that hes a cane user in this au too. fucked up ankle haver
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faaun · 1 year ago
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man the perpetual all nighters have been doing wonders for my skin
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ef-1 · 1 year ago
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kate! this may be a weird question but how did you decide you wanted to do law and which law school to go to? im so confused with what i want to do and would appreciate any advice ❤️
nice try feds
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lesbeid0u · 9 months ago
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chat be real with me. yes or no would it be a dick move to quit this job i just started a week ago
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the-kneesbees · 1 year ago
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uggh I'm gonna cry
#i lowkey miss when i had no friends 😭#i got invited to my friends birthday party and i really really didnt want to go#cause theres like 10 other people going and i vaguely know 2 of them#and theyre all kinda mean#like in the way your friends are mean where its clearly a joke#but im not friends with any of them-#qnd like in any other circumstance it would be fine#but its a POOL party#and there was no chace i was putting on a bathing suit and swimming#but i also was not ready to deal with being the weirdo who doesnt swim at a pool party#like i was really dreading this party#so i made some lame excuse#which is technically true#my brother DID break q bone today and my parents ARE being dramatic and i AM gonna have to wait on him#but thats not q good reason not to go#i was just really freaking out about this party#and its prob not a big deal and she definitely doesn't care as much as i think#but i feel so bad for being flaky#plus i already feel like a couple people there dont like me#so if my friend mentions why i didnt go theyre gonna think its a dumb excuse#i should have made something up but i had already said yes cause i couldnt think of anything#and then my parents wrre at the hospital for a really long time so i didnt know what exactly was happening#and i did genuinely think when i texted her that it was more serious and there would be no chance they could take me#qlso they both have stuff to do tomorrow (party day)#and i am actually gonna end up being the one helping him get water and stuff#but it just feels like such a lame excuse#idk#its just when im with these people (the ones going that im not friends with)#i constantly feel like i hace something to prove or theyll think im weird#and its so stressful
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thecherrygod · 1 year ago
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#my posts#you know how this usually goes#i make an amount of tags so that if you read this its bc you've clicked and its not bc i am just posting it like whatever lmao#... unsure if i should even post it tho but what else do i do just leave it in my brain? idk maybe its the same maybe its better#maybe its worse? .... why have i been feeling kind of like this and at this kind of intensity for like about 2 weeks or more#2 weeks is how long ive been properly aware so i think its more but like. man.#like maybe its been like a month and i just havent been keeping track of time bc january is way too long to even try lmao#. but. idk. i just wish i could be kinda.. stable. like i cant feel good lmao#like it truly doesn't matter nothing is good enough in general#what i do isnt good enough#what goes on around me doesnt help trying to ignore the constant.. dread?#and like all things considered i should be doing good currently#or at least not this bad#but here i am constantly trying to not let myself feel too bad until im alone bc man.#so... yeah it just doesnt feel like anything is truly worth it not me as a person nor the things i do nor the things i experience lmao#also lately ive been just feeling more..... disconnected to others... like i dont understand them and they dont understand me#but like.. more than usual#and i guess its me? that it's kind of a me problem#idk I'm just tired. i need to sleep. i want to let face down on some sort of big water body or do something that will make my life worse#or they i will regret lmao#i. wont do any of those#also when i mean face down in some sort of bldy of water or whatever i dont necessarily mean like die#not against it but its not the only option#just lay there and float..... also not against it#i just want something that i cant have i guess bc im not sure what it is#like i just know what i want is to not constantly feel like this but idk how lmao#... u would sleep if i can bc man also I'm so tired#.... adding tags its a bit worse than I assumed lmao im also thinking about wether i deserve stuff or not lmao#like it got windy and cooler and i was like 'a blanket by my legs would be nice' only to be like 'no you don't deserve that ' like ah yeah#its kinda worse than i thought lmao
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