#like idk i have this idea that All my chapters MUST be 4k words or more or im like a demon and everyones gonna hate me

[bedforddanes75]

waiiittt........ wait guess what......... cowboys....... this is disgustingly bad (i have reread this seven hundred thousand times please dont listen to me just tell me im amazing and then forget about any potential spelling and or grammar errors). k bye

[evanescentdawn]

tagged by @kylermalloy <3

ahahaha… my ao3 stats for 2024, as I expected, is:

I posted (1) fic which was for a bigbang lmaooo. also the word count should have -86 words from it since I posted a draft into a collection since I didnt want it to delete.

but the word count hello 😳 4K for a fic!!!! yeah it was multichaptered but like. I kinda meant for that to be one chapter. also funny how in the start I was worried if I was gonna meet the 3K minimum and lolol I went OVER. <333 been rereading this and I really like parts of it… so fun… I should get back to this one day and properly plot it out so I can continue it. XD funny I say this cuz when I posted it it was with the feeling of wow yeah I am never gonna come back to this.

my overall one: (from 2019):

you know what. I know I posted like 144 works which is kind of insane number if you look at it straight but since they were majority small fics I didn’t think my word count would be like that thoughhh. it feels so fjfjfjf seeing the 111, 941 like hello?????

speaking of wips, I have been glancing at my doc today and wow. I really have so many wips, like I knew it, but wow. Also so many fun ideas… I was reread a couple… and they’re so fun (and it’s so nice to look back and it got me all fired up/inspired to write stuff since wow I wrote so much stuff then) …. I need to go back and continue them… it’s such a shame…. Also I love the odd out fandoms I have in there…. But also bad since now I want to reread mangas so I can remember and to continue the wips 😔😔😔 but im already rereading/rewatching stuff I can’t put moreee on plate (I say rereading/rewatching but that’s also inconsistent) also I really want to get back to orv the wips are SO fun and I just miss it but it’s been so long since I read the material I knowww i need to refresh on their characters

but 😭😭😭 it’s fr like 500 smth chapters and every time I tried to reread I couldn’t get pass the prologue/chapter one. my attention spans hates rereading stuff especially novels….. 😔😔😔😔 BUT I HOPE IT GET TO IT… though one of the frustrating things about rereads/rewatches is that I want to have a more active reread/rewatch so I can kind of remember it more I guess and like just cuz that would be fun but honestly… I don’t know how to do that in a way that would … idk what I was gonna say.

like for tg, while I was rereading the first couple chapters I did some redrawing doodles of moments in it…. Mmmmh. and ft I do have this wip of lol comic about a moment in the manga…. I guess I also do a reaction thingy post but also… im kind of sometimes too lazy for stuff like that. 😔 oh well. but at least talking about this has made me more wanting to reread orv….

my most hit work:

This Must Count For Something

JDJFJFKDK as I expected…. but hehehe while I used to lament over how it’s also terribly the longest fic I had I can say with happiness it NO LONGER IS! I don’t know if saying multi chap I posted is longer is cheating but welll… in my defense I kinda wrote in one setting… well not one setting as in one actual setting but yeah. it was meant to be one whole chapter but I broke it up since I thought it worked better that way

anyways im not really surprised at this since lol its a popular shit in orv soooooo. I don’t hate the fic, it was just an impulsive fic that came out of nowhere and ahahahah it’s so funny to read my notes that say the same thing “I REFUSE TO BELIEVE MY LONGEST FIC IS A DOKHYUK FIC THAT I WROTE ON IMPULSE” im beyond amused ahahah.

I would reread this one just to see how it was but i get so much second hand embarrassment when i think of rereading this that i can’t but what i can remember the last I reread it wasn’t bad at all. okay you know what. let’s just reread it. okay it’s actually good. I like it???? it was genuinely fun to read 😭 but I am just increasingly embarrassed by it LOL.

Well I used to be. I think rereading it cured me. HJDKDJDKDJDJDJKDKK??????? funny considering from what I remember last time I reread it and thought it was good then it didn’t cure me of my embarrassment.

okay the longer im reading this im fjdkdkklfkf. the embrassement slightly creeped back up. but overall its a fun fic. also insane premise HFJFKKFKF (I can’t believe the character actually went for it and starting to jerk off right next to the Objection of his crush in the same room. thinking im on my phone. they won’t notice but mostly what gets to me is that they really went for it. how incredibly bold HDJKDKDKDKD. I should make more plots like this it’s so insane it’s great. dhjdjdjd)

(also not me getting shocked at what the character is doing when I wrote it 😭 even when I knew it was coming (lol) as I read it… still insane<3 i think I vaguely remember going djdjfjd as I was writing since I just went where the direction took me….)

my most kudos work:

Happy Birthday, Sunfish

actually happy it’s not the fic above lololol. I think last time I checked (years ago for some tagged game or ask game) it was “must count for something” anyways lololol though wow who would have guessed it’s the same ship. dok//hyuk ahahah. slightlyyyy disappointing that these two are the most hit/kudos fic but eh to be expected.

this one was a like a last min for a bday event… I don’t think I would do it but as it always go. I made it. but I do think that the most hit work being my longest posted for the ship (3000) and my most kudos is the shortest I posted for them (500).

I did like this one 💙 very cute and simple. actually when I went to reread it just now, okay I no longer mind this being my most kudos work. I love it! I love the pov and all the details I included. it’s so<3 and ahahaha I remember the end notes I wrote. maybe one day I will try the sequel fic I kinda wanted to. I do love how I got down their dynamic here too. it’s so<3333

also ahaha it’s reminding me of how much I used to just write characters sleeping. most of my fics were granted to have characters sleeping or end in sleeping. LOL. like it was kind of amazing how my second and third recent fic to posted BOTH end in sleeping. it was sooo funny when I realised it. XD

[pjisskullourful]

PREVIEW TIME! DOUBLE/EXTENDED EDITION! *both of these are unproofread!*

OVER 4K TO READ!

you get a preview of the upcoming part of stainedsheets[its gonna be posted on monday for a valentines treat]& a preview for the current ethan wip, but idk when its gonna be posted

after part10 of stainedsheets, get ready for 4 super fun commissions in a row!

»»———-　 stainedsheets part10 　———-««

vday edition- 1k word preview

»»———-　

You received a gift before Valentine's Day, another pearl necklace. But these weren't made of plastic as was the case with your ballgag, these were flawless real pearls, and a lot of them, on a long strand. You knew that the jewellery was more about him making amends, than it was about the date on the calendar.

Damiano was still carrying guilt over injuring you with the caning. You had lost count of all the times he had apologised. He was handling your butt with care, even once the thin cuts were healed and disappeared from your skin. He had looked for no reason to punish you since then, which you didn't mind, because there was no shortage of other ideas to keep the two of you busy.

But when he presented you with the fancy necklace, you had hoped this would be the closing of this chapter of him trying to atone for one moment of too much rough play. You could put the necklace on and then the two of you would move on together.

When he asked you what you wanted to do for Valentine's Day, you had simply replied that you didn't know. This would be your first time marking the holiday with a boyfriend, you had no great expectations of how the day should unfold or how you should feel when it was February fifteenth. He took care of it, booking a table at an upscale restaurant for the two of you to have a romantic dinner after you finished work for the day. He had let you know that if he could have his way, he would whisk you away on a holiday. He would take you away from the rest of your work week, to relax and be pampered at a luxurious hotel. But he could reign it in for one night of over the top indulgence, wherein both of you forgot about anything beyond your relationship.

But you were getting off to a rocky start, you had had too many things to do at work, keeping you from leaving on time. You were running late to get home, where Damiano was waiting for you. He responded to your apologetic messages, telling you it was fine - you're worth the wait, he reassured you, the text capped off with a winking emoji. Despite this, you were rushing from the elevator, almost tripping over your own feet as you headed for the front door.

"Ten minutes, just give me ten minutes." You said as you dropped your handbag by the door while it was still swinging shut.

You expected to hear his voice respond from either the kitchen or living room, but you were met with only silence as you quickly walked down the hall. You arrived in the bedroom, finding him waiting for you there. 

He was sitting at your vanity table, his fingers moving through the disorganised chaos you had left in your wake this morning. "Relax, we've still got plenty of time. Time enough for you to come over here and give me a kiss and let me wish you a happy Valentine's Day."

You smiled as you walked over, thinking about how handsome he looked, with his hair styled back and a deep purple button-down on. "Happy Valentine's Day, Damiano." You pecked him on the lips, not wanting to smear the gloss that you could see coating his lips.

"Happy Valentine's Day. How was work? They didn't stress my kitty out too badly, did they?"

"Eh, it was a bit hectic there for a while." You said as he started to stroke the strand of pearls, your new necklace hanging down your chest. "But I got through it."

"You look really good."

You scoffed. "You've got to be kidding, I must be a complete mess after the afternoon I've had, looking like a total sellout in my office attire."

"No, no, no, I think it's great. This skirt is super pretty, it's a bit too long for my tastes but still… it's sexy."

"What are you doing over here, fancyman?" You asked, gesturing to the makeup table.

"Oh, you know me, I got drawn in by the sparkles and bright colours." He said. "I was looking at the lip glosses, you have a lot."

"I do."

"I am not as well-versed in that area." He said. "Is there a difference between a gloss and a lip topper?"

"Do you mean other than the fact that only tops can use lip toppers?" You joked.

"Oh, that's why you have so few."

"Hey, I can top, I have topped. And I could top again." You said.

He grinned, mockingly cooing at you. "Yes, of course you could, li'l kitty."

You rolled your eyes. "Okay, let me get changed."

He grabbed your hand before you could take a single step away. "Wait, why would you get changed?"

"I'm not wearing my office outfit to dinner, I have a dress picked out." You said. "You'll love it, it's open-back, so I'm gonna be the mayor of No Bra City tonight."

He put his other hand on your arm. "But I love how you look right now."

You paused and looked down at your body, covered in your modest, muted-coloured ensemble. You took pride in the way that you presented yourself around the office, you liked to look the part of someone respectable, someone who could get things done without issues. Your shirts were always ironed and your pantyhose were free from runs.

But it was hardly fun. It wasn't like getting dressed up to accompany him to a gig. You were very much colouring inside the lines and you withheld yourself from any level of glitters. It was a watered-down, restrained version of yourself.

"You do?"

He had turned around on the stool to face you, his hands going to your waist. "Yes, look at the way this skirt hugs to your figure, your delicious, delicious figure. It's such a tease- showing me your ass without actually showing it to me. It makes your legs look so long. And this cute little top, I wanna rip those buttons off with my teeth, one-by-one until I've got you trembling."

You smiled as he started to run his hands up-and-down your thighs. "You don't need to do all of that, you've already got me trembling."

"Oh, really?" He asked and he picked up your hand, laying a few kisses across the back of it. "I don't know what it is, but just seeing you like this- my professional kitten, it's a turn-on. My business babygirl, I just wanna have some meetings with you, talk numbers and shit like that."

"Numbers?" You repeated. "Like what, sixty-nine?"

His eyes grew wide and he was soon beaming up at you. "Yes, exactly that. Can we, please?"

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

»»———-　 swimming lessons 　———-««

- new ethan fic- 3k word preview

———-««

"You can't swim? But you're Australian, I thought that's the only thing you guys did over there…" Ethan said, eyes wide in disbelief. "That and getting drunk to ride kangaroos or whatever."

"Congratulations, you found the rare, limited edition collectible." You said, trying to keep the prickly edge out of your words.

During these two months of your relationship, he had drawn you closer to water far more than was usual for you. He loved swimming, but you were always quick with an excuse to avoid anything more than relaxing in the shallow end, or just dipping your legs over the edge. I just washed my hair or I just got my eyeliner perfect or I need to respond to this email. He would just nod his head, glad to have you closeby to chat with.

Today, you hadn't been able to resist the pull of the clear blue water - it was too stinking hot. You followed him into the pool, stopping on the steps while he swam out to the middle. You sat down, submerged up to your shoulders in the cool water and finally feeling relief from the heat of the day.

He had splashed water in your direction, getting your attention to invite you to come out and join him. I just wanna relax, this had led him to towing the inflatable pineapple-shaped float over to you - he would hold it steady while you climbed aboard. Now you had finally shared the whole truth with him - that wouldn't be relaxing for you, because anytime your feet weren't touching the bottom, you felt a spike in anxiety.

"Were you never taught?" He asked, paddling over closer to you.

"Pretty much." You said with a shrug. "We were really poor, it's not like my parents could afford lessons for my brother and me. We didn't live all that close to any beaches, plus my mum hated sand and sitting in the sun, so she'd never take us. So it was just something I skipped out on.

"But I know a little bit, like in a crisis, I could maybe do some doggy style…" Your cheeks heated as you saw him suck his lips together, trying to contain laughter. "Doggy paddle, dog paddle gets me to where I need to so I can get my feet on the ground again."

"Why don't you show me?" He asked. "Show me your doggy." But the cheeky smile on his face stopped before you could properly begin to enjoy it. "Only if you feel comfortable doing that. Of course, I don't wanna trigger a panic attack or anything of the sorts. You don't have anything to prove to me-"

You shut him up by spitting a stream of pool water out at him, with some of it managing to hit his face. "I will be fine, just don't ignore it when I thrash and say I need help. Because that- that will trigger me, back to my stepdad."

"I promise, and if it makes you feel any better, to get it legally binding- we could make it a pinky promise. But, of course, you would have to come over here to do the pinky part." He said, holding up a closed hand to show you his fifth finger standing up, waggling in the air.

You rolled your eyes, but moved into a more active position all the same. It would have been easier to resist if he wasn't so cute. The way that his impressive body was on display in just the small pair of trunks he currently wore, made you want to stay incredibly close to him.

You didn’t feel at any immediate risk here - it was a world away from that day at the beach with your stepfather. The water was calm and mostly still, there wasn’t a threatening rip current ready to undermine your limited skills. You were encased within the boundaries of the pool.

There was something about Ethan that allowed you to feel safe and separate from the experiences that had bred fear within you. It was a skill that he hadn’t required practice at - instead it was an intuitive way of reading you, he picked up on subtle things that others missed.

In front of others, you would have felt embarrassed - a weakness that needed to be hidden to save yourself from humiliation.

But it was just the two of you and you pushed your legs out from behind you, beginning to move. You kept him in your sights as you stretched an arm out, gliding it through the water. Your body moved forward when you pulled your arm back, alternating to the other arm. Keeping your head above the water, you found the rhythm of extending then dragging your hands back one at a time. There was no style to how you moved your legs, just kicking your feet as quickly as you could manage.

It was uncoordinated, but it was enough to get you over to your boyfriend. He held both hands out for you to grab - the finish line and a life-preserver combined. He was smiling as you uprighted yourself again. You didn’t care about the pinky swear anymore, your only concern was to avoid hearing a critique of your form.

He spared you from any of that. “I would call that some damn fine doggy style- I mean, paddle.” He laughed, ducking his head to avoid the hit you tried to land. In the end, you bumped against, but inflicted no damage u[on, the bun all of his hair was currently gathered into. “Paddling just like a dog.

“Are you sure that’s all you can do? Because I coulda sworn that I’ve seen you do some breaststroke before…”

You placed your arm around his shoulders, lessening the space between the two of you, but not strictly in the interest of keeping yourself afloat. “Oh, I’ll show you some breaststroke.”

You laid your hand upon his chest, your palm against his nipple. Before he could call you out for such a lame joke, you were initiating a kiss. You felt secure with his arms around your waist, it didn’t matter that neither of you currently had your feet on the bottom of the pool. As long as you had him to hold onto, you could carry on treading water like that for a while. You were feeling less like Rose and Jack, kissing goodbye in the water. You felt more like Neve Campbell and Denise Richards in Wild Things.

“But, for real…” He wasn’t so much of the serious and silent type when he had a point to make.

“Oh, you wanna be the one doing the stroking- of course, how foolish of me.” You grabbed his wrist, and redirected his hand, until you could bring it to rest on your boob, over your blue bikini top.

He didn’t seem to mind this joke either, his eyes drifting down to your chest momentarily.

"No, seriously, I've seen you do breaststroke, haven't I?" His focus was back on the conversation, but he wasn't about to move his hand off of your boob.

"Yeah, but only the arms 'cause the legs- that seems like a lot, I reckon I'm too uncoordinated for all of that. I'd try to do that and that's how I'd drown, I'm tellin' ya."

"You know, I could teach you, you'd probably do a lot better than you think."

"Oh, that's okay, you don't have to do all of that." You said, your eyes moving over to where the oversized pineapple was floating by.

"All of what?"

You gave your head a little shake. "I'm not a quick learner and I don't want you to have to pretend that you're not losing your patience when I ask you to show me something for the umpteenth time. It's okay, I don't have to be a swimmer and you can still find me charming and not pervy when I just stare at you while you're swimming."

"But I wanna teach you. Maybe you've just been needing the right teacher and it's got nothing to do with you being a slow learner or a bad swimmer or anything like that."

"Ethan, it's okay- I've made it this far without drowning."

He trailed his fingers down the side of your face, gently getting you to look back at him. "How about you do it for me? Because there's all this time that I could be sharing with my girlfriend, but I don't get to. Think about all the fun shit we're not getting to do together." He kissed your cheek. "Wouldn't it be great to wake up early and just go skinny dipping together to start the day?"

"And you'd be naked as well?" You asked, unable to keep yourself from smiling.

"Yes. If you could possibly imagine something so out of character for me." He said, winking.

"I think I could imagine that."

"So you'll let me teach you?"

"For the possibility of nudity? Sure baby, you can teach me anything you like." 

He was still smiling at you, this playful side of him keeping you entertained, keeping you from dwelling on any dangers. "You are aware that you're still feeling up my chest, right?"

"Aware? Oh, I'm more than aware. It's a decision that I am constantly renewing and I'm totally thrilled with how it's working out for me." You caressed your thumb over the taut skin of his pectoral.

"Do you wanna show me what you've got for breaststroke?" He asked, persistently trying to keep you from getting distracted. "I can hold you around your middle like this…" His arms were instantly secure and comforting around your torso. "And you can just move your legs, so I can see what kind of a starting point we're at."

"Okay, but first I just need to…" You tightened and readjusted your grip on his chest, moving your fingers until you could place one on either side of his nipple.

"Baby…"

"What?" You asked, in response to the disapproving gaze he had currently levelled at you. "This is helping me get into the right mindset- into the groove for breaststroke…" You gave his nipple a little squeeze, you thought about twisting it, but held back for the moment.

He rolled his eyes and was moving his arms, holding you down lower, his arms wrapping around your thighs instead. Before you could ask him what was going on, he was disappearing deeper into the water, up to his chin. 

Then he squeezed your legs tighter and pushed himself into an upward momentum again. You were lifted up, your body gliding up and out of the water, until only the lower half of your legs were submerged. You felt your balance waver and you sought to cling to him, with one arm around his head, while your hand grasped for his shoulder. Your heart was pounding quickly, moving up higher in your chest.

"Don't drop me, please don't drop me." You could feel your control slipping and the vulnerability had you remembering past instances - moments full of anxiety when you were at the mercy of an unpredictable other.

"I won't drop you. I'm just gonna…" He had a secure hold on you as he began to move towards the edge of the pool. You didn't care very much for the way you were jostled with every bouncing movement, but his arms didn't loosen in any way, his hold as sturdy as ever.

He readjusted you until he could set you down, your butt safely on the tiles that bordered the pool. "Show me like this." You could only stare blankly at him. "Show me what you would do with your legs when you're doing breaststroke. But like this, you're mostly out of the water, you're safe."

Your shoulders slumped. "But now it's- ugh, it's gonna look even more awkward."

He shrugged. "Who cares? It's just me. If you feel awkward, then I'll do something that makes me feel embarrassed. Like I'll dance for you or something."

"I get a dance? Wow, lucky me." You said and he nodded.

You looked down at your legs, which were in the water, almost up to your knees. You felt very unsure of how to move your limbs and you could feel how hard you were blushing with preemptive embarrassment - even though, thus far, all he had done was patiently wait. Your legs felt strangely separate from the rest of your body and you were already certain you were gonna do it wrong.

You started with just your right leg. "It's kinda like this, right? Like, I'm drawing half a circle with each of my ankles and then I get here and I flick back, like I'm gonna try to kick my own ass, then I go again. Is that- am I doing that right?"

"Yeah, that looks right. But how about you show me with both legs?"

Your limbs weren't in exact unison, but he saved you again from any feedback. You created the circular shape until your feet were together and directly in front of you. Keeping your ankles close, you bent your knees and brought your feet in closer to the edge of the pool.

"That's perfect." He said.

You were willing to meet his eye again, looking up to find he was watching you, with a smile on his face. "Must be from all that warm-up stroking we did."

“Yep, must be. Show me some more.”

He didn’t have to say please, not when he already had you as a willing participant - a diligent student ready to work for the reward.

"I feel like it makes me look like a frog." You said, very aware of how uncoordinated your movements were. It wasn't smooth or with any kind of precision. You cringed at the thought of him seeing you do this prior to sleeping together for the first time, he might assume that everything you did was awkward and inelegant. But the two of you had crossed that bridge a while ago, you had more than proven your ability to work your body in an effective manner.

"But that's good, right? 'Cause frogs are very good swimmers." He said.

"Well, yeah, but they're not exactly sexy."

"Let's save this discussion for another time." He said and gave your leg a gentle tap. "You can quit that now, you've already impressed me, so don't pull a muscle or whatever by trying to impress me…"

You rolled your eyes. "Shut up."

"I will do no such thing." He glided in closer. "I really think you were selling yourself short. I think you're more capable than you allow yourself to see."

"So do you think you can turn me into the next Michael Phelps?"

He paused, scrunching his face up as he considered this. "I don't know if I'm that confident in my teaching abilities. But I'm sure I'll be able to make a damn fine swimmer out of you."

"Oh yeah, you're gonna get all up nice and close and guide me and show me just how to move? Are you gonna move my legs when they should be further apart?" You asked, already beginning to part your knees.

"If that's what it takes- are you more of a hands-on learner?"

"Mm-hmm, I think I might be, baby." You said and you were pleased when he moved in closer, now close enough for you to link your fingers around his wrist. You lifted his hand to place it upon your knee. "Specifically in relation to your hands on me."

He placed his hands onto the pool's edge, on either side of your ass. He created tension in his arms, which allowed him to lift up a little and you followed the way his head tilted. But he didn't give you the kiss you had been expecting, instead he had something more to say. "Is this the part where you're gonna tell me I was right- isn't it great to get to spend time together?" His lips ghosted over yours and you couldn't help arching your back a little. "And it can just be me and you, enjoying this closeness, touching, kissing, playing in the water. Instead of you all the way over there…" He gestured to one of the seats, the furthest one. "While I'm in here. We can do more than just look at each other and talk."

You hummed happily, your hand caressing his cheek when he granted you a kiss. "More than just look?"

"Uh-huh." He said before disappearing from the space directly in front of you, prompting you to open your eyes. He was leaning back, raising his legs in the water as he leisurely floated away. "Do you know how many games we can play now? So much more than Marco Polo." 

You pulled your legs out of the water, beginning to stand up. “Oh, I’m sure.”

“Like, there’s also Shark in the Water. I would always play that with my sisters.” He said, watching where you were walking away from the edge of the pool. “It’s more fun with more people than just two. But I’m sure we could make it work, once you get faster.”

You reached up to your back, your fingers finding the knotted tie that was keeping your bikini in place. You were a few steps from the gate and you turned to face where he continued to tread water. “Is that all for the lesson today?”

“I guess so, yeah.” He said.

You nodded and tugged the knot loose. Then you unlatched the gate and stepped out of the pool area. You didn’t look back as you started to leave. You were reaching for the second and final knot. You made sure to project your voice as you spoke to him over your shoulder. “I’m gonna go upstairs.”

You undid the knot, catching the top as it began to fall from your chest. You balled the fabric up in your hand, not breaking your stride and still not turning to face him. You tossed the damp garment over your shoulder, hearing a wet slap when it landed on the pavement behind you. You were climbing up the first few steps, heading for the shade of the verandah.

Before you could get inside, you received confirmation that he had seen you shed your top. He didn’t say anything, but you heard the motion of him quickly moving through the water, completed by a loud splash as he launched himself out of the pool. This was followed by his wet footsteps on the pavement, rapidly catching up to you.

[captain-aralias]

Fanfic year in review - 2019

yeah - i’m going to answer all these questions too. just watch me. 

List of Completed Fics this year:

Keep Calm (Carry On, S/B and ensemble, Teen, 69k)

Sex and Blood (Carry On, S/B, Explicit, 16k)

The Sound of Silence (Carry On, S/B, Teen, 10k)

Coming Up For Air (Carry On, S/B, Explicit, 4k)

Hang the Moon (Carry On, S/B and ensemble, Teen, 30k)

The sky isn’t black anymore (Carry On, S/B, Explicit, 9k)

This is fine (B7, B/A and ensemble, Teen, 4k)

Total: 7 fics, 142k words - making it one of my most prolific years ever in terms of word count! (even though i wrote about 30k of ‘keep calm’ last year, which would take the total down to a more reasonable level). 

i answer some questions about them below the cut... 

Best/worst title?

Keep Calm is the best title, for sure, as it’s a role reversal of ‘Carry On’. The only bad thing about this title is that i love role reversal fics and i can never use it again. also... i guess as i got to the end i started to think... ‘Should i bring out this theme of calmness...? is this even a theme????’ It was a bit distracting, essentially. 

worst title is ‘Sex and Blood’, which does what it says on the tin - can’t deny it. it’s supposed to be about how vampirism links the two things for baz, right? .... but i don’t like it. also - when people comment on it (thank you! please do comment on it! please keep reading it!) this stupid title that i wrote appears on my lock screen of my phone, which i just leave lying around at work. 

but i know - i did it to myself. i should have thought of a better title. 

Best/worst summary?

i don’t know if i already pointed this out on tumblr, but i noticed recently that all my ‘carry on’ fic summaries have a [Clause A - bad or good situation] but/or some other conjunction [Clause B - something happens that causes a fic to exist!] structure, except for ‘The Sound of Silence’. 

Even having realised that, I’ve still written a summary with the same turn for my as yet unnamed bodyswap fic... 

I think the best summary is probably ‘Keep Calm’. 

Worst summary - Coming Up for Air, but I was trying not to give spoilers for Wayward Son. and it’s a PWP.

Best/worst first line?

generally i love my first lines, and hate my last lines. 

i would say all of my 2019 first lines are indeed pretty good. ‘The sky isn’t black anymore’ is straight into being X-rated so i’m not going to quote it here in case that’s not your jam, but i like it a lot. 

i also like: There’s something wrong with Baz. (Sex and Blood). Obvious - but, it works.

i don’t not like any of them, even the really long rambling first line of ‘This is FIne’.

i will call out the first line of ‘Keep Calm’ though, because i spent ages trying to work out how to punctuate it, and i still don’t know what i should have done. it currently reads: The Mage is waiting for me, outside the door to Mummer’s House.

depending on when you read it, though (and i’m sure you didn’t notice) it may have had no comma (The Mage is waiting for me outside the door to Mummer’s House.) or it might have been a dash where the comma was, or even - gasp - a full stop (because rainbow likes to break sentences into fragments so that’s ok).

 i kept changing it. this may seem like a complete waste of time (and i think the right-right answer is that there shouldn’t be a break at all - no comma is correct), but i wanted the first sentence to FEEL like ‘the mage is waiting for me’ - the place is merely corroborative detail. the point is the mage is there, about to take simon away and change the plot. hence ... the punctuation.

Best/worst last line?

as i said - very few of my last lines are what i wanted. i have not mastered them at all. too often it’s just ‘this is where i ran out of story’. the worst is the ending to the ‘Sound of Silence’ where i literally resorted to ‘Carry On’ cliche to get out of it: And he kisses me.

it’s fine, it works - but i could have done better.

the actual ending line of ‘Hang the Moon’ is pretty good i think, but the pacing of that ending is all wrong. i’m much happier now i wrote a whole extra fic so the weight of everything ending isn’t on those final hundred words. 

the BEST last line i wrote... the one that actually really works (for me) is ‘Coming Up For Air’. And I feel like I can breathe again. 

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

apparently i wrote a lot - which i probably wouldn’t have predicted last year, although by this time last year i’d written ‘the mage’s heir’ and the first half of ‘keep calm’, which did provide much of the wordcount for this year. so - i guess if i’d thought about it, it would have seemed plausible. 

first person helps me write long. and in b7 i learned to write long. 

i guess i’m surprised because it felt like i wasn’t writing that much in comparison to some people in the fandom (and i probably still didn’t in comparison!) and i wrote several long things rather than many short things, so the list is still pretty short despite being MANY words.... 

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

strange though it may be to say - i probably wouldn’t have predicted i’d write blake’s 7 this year. ‘never go back’ - that’s my motto. or rather ‘i can’t go back, my brain doesn’t work that way’. but good to have done it. 

What's your favourite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

hard to say. it’s a draw between ‘keep calm’, which i love because it did everything i wanted it to. and ‘hang the moon’, which is a collection of all my favourite tropes loosely disguised as a fic. 

they’re also the two longest - and i tend to like the long ones better for reasons i have gone into before.

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

it’s pretty much a tie between ‘keep calm’ and ‘sex and blood’ - and since ‘keep calm’ was many chapters long, is earlier, and much more heavily promoted by self and the big bang, i’m pretty sure that means ‘sex and blood’ is more popular over all. 

thank you fandom, for loving vampire porn as much as i do.

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

we all know (well, those of us who know what it is) that b7 is a tiny fandom, so with that in mind, i think ‘This is Fine’ is well appreciated! <3

the story that is (to me) surprisingly about half as popular as most things that i’ve written for ‘carry on’ is ‘Coming up for air’, which i have now re-linked for you in case you never read it.

it disproves the rule that shorter porny things will be more read (although obviously the vampire porn suggests the opposite). idk, i thought it would catch those who were in the post-wayward son crash, like i was. 

the other thing to say here is that it was still extremely appreciated - i mean, it’s got about 50 times as many kudos as any of my b7 things, and overall i would say it is a thing that is well received. i know i’m fortunate to be friends with people who re-blog my stuff and people who comment, and i (in turn) really appreciate THAT. 

so - it’s not a whine. just an observation

Story that could have been better?

i think i would have written ‘This is fine’ better if i’d written it five years ago. i definitely could have written a blake-travis mindlink to make the gods weep with its perfection ;) what a prompt.

i’ve talked about how i don’t rate the endings of ‘Sound of Silence’ or ‘Hang the Moon’ as well, so i think these could have been better. if only i was better at waiting.., and thinking of an ending. or just - if only i was better at endings. 

Sexiest story?

i think that’s the one that has the word ‘sex’ in the title. because vampires are sexy. and so is informed consent.

Saddest story?

sad?? what is this SAD? 

‘This is fine’ is quite sad given that it’s also about telepathic pornography. because we know everyone’s going to die soon. 

and ‘Sound of Silence’ isn’t sad, at least i don’t think it is - but Baz certainly is sad while it’s happening. 

Most fun?

i think ‘hang the moon’ is the most fun - because it has all the things that i like best happening in it. they fight some merwolves together, they go plate shopping, simon fights lots of people, fiona is there - it’s very fun.

Story with single sweetest moment?

hang the moon, probably. the bit with the moon. 

although i was thinking... surely i should talk about ‘keep calm’ a bit - isn’t it my equal fav? and i was thinking - what is the sweetest moment there... and the answer honestly is that i think the sweetest moment is the bit where the mage and simon are gardening together and simon doesn’t know if their relationship is doomed forever ... AND THEN the mage tells simon they can watch some VHSes of lucy next time simon comes back and they dont hug, but it is ... enough <3

I’M SORRY - I LOVE AWKWARD FATHER-SON RELATIONSHIPS BEING REDEEMED. 

Hardest story to write?

‘keep calm’ took me months and there were moments when i thought - fuck, this is not ending, and i hate not being able to talk to anyone about this because this fest is going on for months. and i was fortunate that i had the idea of emailing sharkmartini who i then did not know at all, and she was enthusiastic and getting that feedback made me think - ok, this is worth doing. i can finish this. 

but also - i started writing ‘sound of silence’ immediately after the ‘mage’s heir’ finished and i eventually published it over a year later. because the device i’d chosen meant that simon couldn’t say or do anything for most of the bloody story. and that meant that nothing happened, baz, thanks for nothing, and it was very hard to write.

and ‘This is fine’ - i must have written it in a few weeks. so it clearly wasn’t that hard. but in comparison to back when i (though i) knew everything that Avon would ever think or say... it was hard.

Easiest/most fun story to write?

Coming up for air was the easiest story. i haven’t written anything else in a day for this fandom, although it is something i’ve done before, back in the day. 

most of the others were also really fun to write, unless i put them in the ‘hardest story to write’ box. so, you know - about half. 

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

i started to write ‘no’, but that isn’t true. writing ‘The sky isn’t black anymore’ shifted my perception of the way that i’d written Baz in ‘Hang the Moon’ i.e. my own fic (how wanky is that?) 

most of the others are me putting things that i think about characters into words. so i did the thinking before, rather than during. 

Most overdue story?

i wanted to post ‘This is fine’ on Gauda Prime Day and didn’t :( but i know bunnacula said that was ok ;) so i think the most overdue was the one that took me over a year to finally bother finishing. 

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

eeeeeer... 

yes, maybe. i would say writing a happy ending for simon in ‘keep calm’ where the happy ending is that he gets a better relationship with his father (see above) as well as getting to go out with baz (whose happy ending is also not just about simon, but mostly is) is a risk in a fandom where everyone hates the mage so much. 

and then i finally wrote my thing about how i think the mage is actually right about many things, and fiona is classist. what i haven’t ever said explicitly on tumblr, i don’t think (though i said it on LJ) is that another reason it is so much easier for me to be sympathetic towards the mage is that he literally is a version of roj blake (the main character of my old fandom and my personal fav). obviously the mage is a blake who is a bit more autistic and significantly further off the deep end on the ‘greater good’ scale than blake ever was. but blake even also dresses like robin hood and is from wales. i haven’t said this before because i feel like it cheapens my semi-championing off him/might make people who really can’t tolerate the mage think ‘wtf? is aralias mental? why does she like roj blake so much?’ to be fair - lots of people in b7 hated him too. 

ANYWAY. what i learned from that is - these are the stories i want to tell and no one got upset, so that is awesome and i shouldn’t be so worried about what people think before i know what people think. 

i also wrote vampire porn, but i didn’t consider that a risk. because i knew that sharkmartini would love it - and that was one person and that was enough. are we all going to write more vampire porn in 2020? i hope so.

This year's theme and the story that demonstrates it most:

good question but hard to answer. 

i think the theme is ...... possibly influenced by ‘wayward son’..... poor communication is bad; good communication is good. maybe? 

and the fic that most demonstrates this is one that i have the most problems with, and that’s ‘The Sound of Silence’ where simon literally can’t communicate for the first half of the fic. and then baz solves his own problem by saying ‘sorry’ and giving back simon’s voice. 

‘The sky isn’t black anymore’, which i really like but feel i haven’t talked about much (it’s an unproblematic fav!) feels very similar and in fact i struggled to make it less about communication/saying what you want than it kept wanting to be. because i was thinking - this isn’t the problem of the fic! the problem is that it’s all too fast, right? but actually - and here we come back to the learning about the characters - it was both. 

because baz is a character who doesn’t communicate. and, like simon in ‘sound of silence’, he was also shut out from the POV in ‘hang the moon’.

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

write more! i want to get my ‘wayward son’ bodyswap out the door before the end of february..... maybe even january, but february sounds very achievable.

i have to finish my zine fic and then lop about 2000 words out of it, probably. 

i want to write another epic thing that is also about politics and vampires. it’s the one where natasha is alive, as well as other things. the problem with this one is that while i know a lot about it, i dont know exactly what the arc is - and i’m bored of re-writing simon giving up his magic to fix the humdrum (which i did... once... but i guess that was too often). so i have to try and work out what the climax is if it isn’t that - and i like to know the ending before i start...... but. my goal is to figure these things out and then write it. 

vampire porn - obvs. 

aaaand - for all of us: i will run a remix! oh yes, i will run a remix. ‘carry on big bang’ (which i definitely won’t do, it’s too solitary for me and too slow, alas - even though i keep thinking ‘i could do my vampire thing! it’s long’. it’s got to be a no) and the zine are in the first half of the year....... and i’m busy and stuff. so i thought it was going to be in december - but now i’m probably going for sign ups in march, post in may. I LOVE REMIX. i’m excited already.

[blondecarfucker]

Bed of Roses (Last Chapter - 21)

Roger Taylor x Reader

BoRhap!Roger Taylor x Reader

Fic Summary: It's 1971. You just moved to London to study, and you find a band on a local pub after a bad date. The encounter doesn’t go the way you expect it, and neither does what follows this evening as you try to deal with loving Roger Taylor.

Fic Note: So I’ve had this story in my head for the last three weeks and finally decided to write it down. It’s completely planned. It will have 21 chapters and it’s divided in three acts: Dusk, Night and Dawn. It’s will be a bit angsty in the future, and it will most likely have some smut as well. I hope you guys enjoy it! Tell me what you think about it in the asks/comments/messages. If this is your first time stumbling upon Bed of Roses, thank you for stopping by! The rest of the story is in my masterlist, the link is in my bio - can't put the link here or else the post will disappear from the tags.

Chapter's notes: THE LAST CHAPTER. I CANT FUCKING BELIEVE. i feel like before i start my thank yous i could give you some weird trivia on the story. i wrote the entire outline for the fic at a weekend shift at work, where i always have free time. i had some smaller ideas - them meeting at a bar and not seeing again, the whole kensingon-taxi-class thing from the beginning - but there was a sudden burst of inspiration and in like twenty minutes the outline was done, and very little has changed, i mostly just added some more details. also, i imagine the reader as alicia silverstone in the 90s?? idk. i just do. also, the reader thing with new york comes from the fact that i lived there for a while and i miss it so much, so thats why theres so much detail about places and stuff - its my form of revisiting my favourite spots there. also, will (REMEMBER WHEN) was written with sebastian stan in mind, and liv tyler (in her lord of the rings days) was poppy. i did too much research for this fic on queen history, and everytime i had to change something (especially in the first act) so the dates made more sense, it KILLED ME.

anyway, now the thank yous: SHIT THIS FIC IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT CHAPTER ON MY LIFE. its my first time writing such a long story without abandoning it, and my first time writing fiction in english, so i learned so much!! i was doing some research the other day, and the great gatsby is like 47k words long, and the first harry potter is around 70k words long - bed of roses is around 60k words long. this is crazy.

it's also my first story to get this many readers interacting with me, and i'm so grateful for you all!! i thought about thanking you all by name, but i dont want anyone to feel left out so i just want every and each one of you reading these words to know: if you read my story, thank you. thank you for giving me your time of the day, thank you for connecting with what i wrote, thank you for telling me in any way possible that you've enjoyed it. thank you. a writer must write, but theres not a lot of joy in talking to an empty room. you filled my small room with warmth and love and there's not enough words to express my gratitude for you all. thank you.

about my writing: i plan on FINALLY DOING THE MANY REQUESTS I HAVE IGNORED OVER THIS FINAL ACT OF BED OF ROSES - requests are still open, too! i'm also outlining a smaller roger x reader fic where she's one of the videographers on the news of the world documentary, so keep an eye out for that! i'm gonna open a permanent taglist for the requests (and eventual new fic), so if you want to be added, hit me up in the ask box/comments/inbox!

anyway i'll finally wrap up this chapter's note cause you have the final chapter to read. enjoy my loves

Words: nearly 4k

Warnings: none??? part of their dialogue is inspired by some of my favourite movies and books like her and the wife and almost famous and before sunrise and the fault in our stars and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and maybe more I DONT KNOW ITS BEEN AN EMOTIONAL RIDE OK I CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHERE DID I PULL THIS FROM EXACTLY. some errors too cause i didnt revise it completely my bad im crying ok

 ACT 3 - DAWN

"It's the moment night time seems weaker and everything seems easier to figure out"

 Chapter 21

Roger lit a cigarette in the train cabin, and tried to open the top window, the one you can usually pull open.

"Rog, it's not gonna open, you know", you told him as you watched him fiddling with the glass.

"I guess you're right. Hope you won't be bothered by the smoke", he said, taking a puff.

"I won't if you share it with me", you answered, and with a half smile on his lips, Roger lifted the cigarette to your lips, and you breathed in the smoke while looking at him through your lashes.

"Don't look at me like that. Especially if the cigarette smoke is going to leave the cabin sultry and hot", he told you, and you laughed.

"Yeah, and we won't do anything about it", you said, trying to make yourself more comfortable in your seat.

"And why is that?", he asked, batting his lashes innocently at you, you you lightly elbowed his ribs.

"We need to do something else, something we've been ignoring the whole trip", you said, and he raised his brow. "We need to talk about us", you told him, and he breathed out, smoke coming out of his nose.

"I guess you're right again", he said, then slid a bit down on his seat.

You didn't think much about talking about your future with Roger while in Paris, so now has to be the time, on a train that will take you to London and to a whole month of Roger being away, promoting News Of The World.

While in Paris, you never talked to Roger about the future, and talks of the past where subtle - you talked about how you felt with the development Doctor Who took over the years, but didn't think much about the fact that you were separate during years of the show.

You enjoyed the city, but most of all, you enjoyed each other's presence, not only going to museums, churches and castles around you, following them up with fancy dinners and walks along the Seine, but you also spent time inside the room, in your pajamas, ordering take out from restaurants you found on the phone book, having a hard time trying to speak french as Roger tickled the sole of your feet and kept trying to distract you.

You would always remember the peace you felt as you ate cheap chinese food on Roger's shirt on the balcony at night, the Eiffel Tower shining over your meal and Roger's electric blue eyes as he hummed early David Bowie's songs under his breath, or how at home you felt sitting on the couch, Roger on the floor with his head on your lap, his soft strands on your fingers as you tried to braid them while watching re-runs of I Dream of Jenie, Roger focused, trying to understand the french dubbing until he noticed what you were doing.

"Babe, are you trying to braid my hair? Think I'd look better if I'd look more girly?", he said, moving his head back so he can look at you.

"Yeah. Always thought so, but I'll have to keep imagining, since your hair is too short to braid", you pouted, and he laughed.

"Don't you like my new hair, then?", he asked, pouting back, and you moved your head to his level so you could press a quick kiss to his lips.

"I love it, Rog. Especially cause since it's shorter, it looks even messier after I pull it", you said, and he smirked. "My favourite look of yours is when you're all dishevelled after sex", you winked, teasing him.

"That's my favourite, too", he said, turning completely around and pulling you in for a kiss, his hand on the back of your neck.

But now, while in the smoke filled train cabin, you needed to make a few things clear.

"I've been avoiding this for a reason", he said, looking out the window, and you raised your brow, waiting for him to explain. "I have this weird, innate fear of you telling me it's all good but you don't want to see me again, or something", he said, and you gave him a half smile.

"I don't want to do this, Rog. And I won't do it", you told him, and he sighed in relief.

"Even though loving you is a bit complicated, I'll admit. Especially if you're me", you shrugged, and he turned to you, confused.

"Let me explain. I loved your idea for a bed of roses, a few days ago, cause it can exemplify our relationship so well. The roses feel so good against the skin, the smell is so intoxicating, it looks so beautiful - maybe too beautiful, ethereal, even. But then there's always a few thorns here and there, and they hurt so much when they lodge themselves on my skin, but I'm so intoxicated by the whole experience that I don't mind - I convince myself that it's nothing, and even that it's already part of me already, cause the thorns fit so perfectly on me, on my little stabs made by myself, by my own insecurities", you say, and he stares at you.

"What I'm trying to say is that every minute that I'm with you always distract me from the issues that come with being with you - the fact that there's a few expectations that come with being your serious girlfriend, be them always travelling with you while we're young, or eventually staying home once we have kids, knowing that you'll eventually cheat on me with a younger version of myself, while I'm too tired of taking care of the babies to even think about my sexual needs", you said, and you watched him frown.

"I'm not sure where you're going with this-", he started saying, but you cut him off.

"Let me finish, I promise it will get better", you said, fixing your posture as you start again. "But the thing is, I love you. I always have, ever since I started talking to you, you always trying to outflirt me, always seeing me as your equal. You desire me, but you also listen and see me as another human being, you never back down or ignore me if I challenge one of your beliefs, and you never treat me as a trophy-wife-to-be", you say, and you can feel your eyes fill with tears, but you're smiling. That's what you always loved about Roger. He smiled back at you.

"And because I love you, I don't want to deny myself the pleasure of being with you. I'd rather be in a bed of roses than in an empty bed - or worse, a blank bed, someone being there just so it's less cold at night. I want to be with you, Rog", you say, and he pulls you in for a hug, and you hold him back for a few moments before pulling away and looking at him in the eye.

"But also because I love you and I want to be with you, Rog, I don't want us to try to fit into this type of relationship I just mentioned. I don't want you to make me the other woman, either, when you eventually find someone so you can settle down, if it's not me" you said, rubbing your nose. "I guess I want to settle down with you, eventually, as we planned before, but this whole thing - living together and cheating if we're away for too long - it kills me, and I think it kills you, too. I respect you too much to want to cheat on you again, cause if I ever do and you never find out, I'll lose respect for you, and the same thing will happen if you cheat on me and I don't find out. And these are ugly truths, but this isn't our first time together; we know each other, we need to think about this", you told him, and he nodded.

"And I need to make it clear that I'll never be a simple rockstar housewife - I'll never be able to quit my job and look out for the kids while you travel the world and I make them lunch. I'll never be able to sit down on a dinner table on some award show with you and when someone asks me what I'll do, I'll smile as I say I'm a king-maker. I'm not", you said, firmly.

"And I'll never be satisfied with dumb spa and shopping trips as you do the actual work when we travel. If I have to live this life, I'll resent you, and I don't want that. I like being domestic with you, but this type of forced domesticity will poison us again - we're both too wild, too career-focused, for this. We've always been similar", you said, and he gave you a smile as you sighed. "I guess that's all I have to say", you shrugged, and he laughed. "Not much, right?", he said, running his fingers on his hair, pulling the strands back.

"Guess it's my turn now", he said, and you nodded, encouraging him. "When I saw you again, at the pub, there was so much that I wanted to say. I mostly wanted to apologize - it got lost as I got infatuated with you again, and tried to get you in bed - you know, usual stuff", he winked, and you laughed.

"But yeah, I kept looking at you while you updated me on your life, your skin glooming under the stars and the moonlight, and I couldn't stop thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. Cause no matter what - even if you had decided on never seeing me again after all this - I'll always love you, because we grew up together. And you helped make me who I am", he said, moving strands of your hair behind your ear.

"I just want you to know that there will always be a piece of you in me, always. Whatever someone you become, wherever you are in the world, however this" he said, pointing his finger to the two of us "works out, in whatever form it might take", he said, sighing "I'll always send you love. Before being anything else to me - and I hope to God you're always something more - you'll always be my friend, to the end", he told you, and the tears were already streaming down your cheeks. His cheeks soon mirrored yours.

"And now, after you so eloquently told me all your fears about our future, I need you to know something else, too", he said, as you wiped the tears under your eyes. "I always loved you for being the way you are. You always challenge me, you always make me work harder, try harder, to be better. And it's not even something you force me to do; I just follow your lead. The way you look was what first got into me, I won't lie, but the way you are is what made me stay. It's what will always make me stay", he said, a genuine smile on his lips. He made you feel warm, like the sun.

"You're the smartest person I know, you're funny, you enjoy sex, you're unapologetic, you're proud of who you are, even proud of your insecurities. And you have such a huge importance in my life: you made me who I am. Whatever way you want to make us work, I trust you. I just want to be with you, in whatever form it takes", he said, smiling, and then getting up and opening his bag.

"I forgot to give you something", he said, pulling a string out of the front pocket. You recognized the red glimmer. It was the heart necklace. "It's still yours to keep. Even though it's not in its original glory, it will always be yours. The necklace and my heart", he said, and you couldn't help but smile at him.

"Always so cheesy, Taylor", you said, joking as you moved your hair to the side so he could put the necklace on.

"You always loved it", he winked, and you laughed. "I do", you said, smiling.

"So, what does it all mean? Where are we?", you asked, and he shrugged. "Wherever you want us to be. I just hope that you keep me around", he told you sincerely.

"I will. So, we're not going back to our old ways, right? We're not back at sharing a flat and stuff", you said, and he nodded. "Sure".

"And you're going to spend a month away, all around the world. I don't want you to feel pressured not to cheat", you said, and he nodded again.

"Yeah, and you're back in London, starting a new job. I don't want you to be worried, too", he said.

"So, maybe no exclusivity, this time? At least not now. This is still debatable, in the future", you said, and he agreed.

"Makes sense. But I'll have a hard time desiring anyone but you", Roger said in a low voice, and you laughed to break any mood that might have settled. You needed to get things clear before making out in the train cabin.

"Me too, Rog. But I don't want to create any expectations of loyalty because we know each other too well, and I don't want a stupid fight to break this thing we're building together", you said.

"It's a good idea. So, no titles, too? I can't call you my girlfriend?", he said, and you laughed.

"You can, if you want to", you told him, and he pulled you closer to him.

"Good, cause I want to call you that on the News of the World launch party, that I'm hoping you'll go as my date", he said, pressing a kiss on top of your head, breathing in your fruity smell.

"Of course I'll go. I need to see the boys again", you told him, and he laughed.

"So you're not going for me, then?", he pouted, and you laughed again.

"No, I'm just going so I can meet Deacy's kid", you told him, and it was his turn to laugh.

-

Once you got to London, Roger offered to go to the airport alone - he had to get on his flight, and he was late. He knew you had to go home and get ready for work tomorrow, but you wanted to spend as much time with him as possible.

He looked relieved when you got on a cab with him to Heathrow.

"Big day tomorrow, huh", he said, rubbing your arm.

"Yeah, I still can't believe I'm finally going to work at the British Museum. It's so surreal, it feels like a dream. Like I'm living someone else's life", you said, looking out at the window, the early sunday morning reminding you of fresh starts - you were in the middle of one.

"Well, it's your life, and it's your job, cause you deserve it, babe. I never met someone who worked so hard to get where they want", Roger said, smiling, proud.

"I did. You and the boys", you said, and he huffed. "Guess you're right. Me and that pack of idiots, we turned out okay", he joked.

Once you got to the airport, you followed him to his gate.

You were feeling nervous - you had him for a week, and now it's time to say goodbye again.

You're both aware that the rest of the band is already waiting impatiently in the jet, but you can't help it - you hug him, dropping your luggage on the floor, and he does the same, the hug soon turning into a kiss as you rub your hands on each other's body, as if you're trying to remember how every inch of the other feels like, as if you're both about to disappear.

But the airport worker clears her throat, and you break the kiss, looking at each other longingly.

"Don't say goodbye", you beg Roger, putting your hand on his lips as he opens his mouth.

"See you soon", he says between your fingers. You smile at him, grateful he found a way with words so you're not repeating the same old goodbyes.

"See you soon, Roger", you say, hugging him again for a few seconds, just trying to capture every detail - his smell, the feeling of his arms around you, his body against yours.

And once he has to go into the jet, you go to the glass wall, and you can swear you see some familiar faces from the windows of the jet.

But before you can focus, soon Roger's well known face takes over the window you're watching, and he puts a hand on the glass.

You can't help but think about the last time you did that with him, him being on your place as you were inside the plane, moving to another country, your heart weighing down on you, filled with doubts.

But now your heart warmed you up, filled with joy and love, and you could feel Roger's crystal heart on top of your chest. He was right. There would be always a piece of him on you, too.

-

Epilogue: News of the World Launch Party

"Y/N! You're back!" Brian's voice welcomed you to the ballroom.

You squeezed Roger's hand - it was the first time you saw the band in years, and you couldn't help but feel a bit nervous about it.

"Darling, you're really back! We thought Roger was getting high too often and hallucinated a week in Paris with you. But I guess you did come back to him", Freddie said, hugging you by the side as he held a glass of champagne on his other hand.

"I'm back with him only so I can see you all again, of course", you said, winking at Roger as he pretended to be offended.

But then you heard Deacy and Veronica scream your name in unison, and you turned to see them.

"So you're really back!!" Deacy said, but your eyes were on the baby boy on his lap.

"This is the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life.", you said, trying to get his attention. Roger looked at you, adoringly, as you moved your eyes to Veronica.

"Ronnie!! You're so big!" you said, trying to hug her through her belly. "It's coming out in a few months! It's a boy, Michael. Someone our young Rob can play with", she said, and Roger frowned.

"I could swear it was a girl", he said, and John smiled. "Maybe next time", he said.

"Hey, Bob. Do you want to play with me? C'mon", you said, and he motioned to go to your arms. You picked him up as he started playing with your hair.

"You'd be a good mom, Y/N", Veronica said, and you got tense. "God, Ronnie, don't even joke about this", you said, and Roger chuckled. "It's a sensitive topic at the moment", he explained.

"The moment will take quite some time, you know", you told him, the youngest Deacon pulling your earring before playing with the crystal heart on your neck.

You talked to the boys and Veronica for a while, updating each other, but no one brought up how you and Roger got back together. It just felt natural - no need to question.

You stayed with Roger for the whole night - behind the cameras as he did press, by his side during dinner - where he was back at his old ways, teasing you lightly with his hand under the table. You felt good in his arms, getting back into his life.

He was interested in getting back into your life, too. He came back to London last night, and went straight to dinner with you. You were trying different food, and now was time to try Indian food.

As he ate his Chicken Tikka Masala, dipping the naan in the sauce, you invited him for a party your bosses would be throwing next month to celebrate a new exhibit.

He gave you a bright smile. "I'd love to be your date, my love", he said.

And after the Deacons went home - Robert was asleep on his father's lap - the party got louder, the dance floor more full. You could swear you saw an angular face that could only belong to Bowie pick someone to dance - was this Princess Leia? - but before you could process the whole situation, Roger pulled you to dance.

"Thought you didn't dance, Mr Taylor", you told him, wrapping your arms around his neck as you tried to slow dance to All The Young Dudes, by Mott The Hoople.

"I don't dance very well, indeed. But it's just an excuse to be so close to you in public, and God, I'm dying to call you Ms Taylor", he said, and you chuckled.

"Take it slower, Rog", you told him, and he leaned in to rest his head on the curve of your neck. "And why do you want to be close to me in public? Is it still one of your weird fetishes?", you joked, and you felt him laugh against your skin.

"No, it's just that you've been killing me with this dress of yours, and you've been killing a lot of the guys here, too. Could swear I saw Bowie checking you out", he told you, and you gasped.

"Taylor, don't even joke about this. I'd have a heart attack", you said, and he laughed. "You'd leave me here for Bowie, is that it?", he asked, and you laughed.

"Of course not. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he might acknowledge my existence", you said, and it was his turn to laugh. "The only eyes I really like to feel on me when I look away are yours, Rog", you said, and he gave you a quick kiss.

"Okay, had enough of trying to dance. Let's get some fresh air", he told you, and you followed him to the balcony.

As the cold, fresh air brushed against your exposed skin, you heard the first notes to Tiny Dancer, by Elton John. You walked to the balcony, leaning in and taking in the view of London at night.

Roger soon took you into his arms, hugging you from behind, and you felt safe, his body heart making you warm in the cold evening as he jokingly whispered "Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man" into your ear, and you scoffed. "Slower, Taylor", you told him, and he laughed.

"However you want it, babe", he said, now paying attention to the view, focusing on the feeling on you in his arms again. Finally.

 But oh how it feels so real

Lying here with no one near

Only you and you can hear me

When I say softly, slowly

 "I could die right now, Y/N. I'm just... happy. I've never felt this type of happiness before. I'm just exactly where I want to be", Roger said in his husky voice, and you nodded lightly in agreement.

Because in Roger's arms, you feel home. You feel what you hoped to feel for years - what got you to move to London in the first place. You feel like you belong.

---

1988 Special

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