#it's very telling i'll say that much lol
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the way the far cry fandom either characterizes faith seed as a complete, helpless victim or a gone girl wannabe who's actually been an evil queen her whole life because teehee feminism = one dimensional girlboss~~ makes me want to scream and rip my hair out
#faith seed#far cry 5#far cry#the latter is far more annoying#i feel the point of the game and what each seed sibling represents went right over some of ya'lls fucking heads#how can you sit there and strip away all nauce her character has while writing meta essays on the very same nauce for the seed brothers???#it's very telling i'll say that much lol
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*voice of boy who just experienced romantic/sexual attraction for the first time* did you guys see that. that was insane. wdym you live like this
#um?????#i've had “crushes” before but that was just guessing#it wasn't until *checks calendar* two days ago that i discovered what y'all are talking about#that was legit insane#also very proud of my initiative. underneath it all i'm quite bold. got his number (re: asked him if he wanted my number which is much more#fun. also he later told me that it made him blush which is cute) and he danced with me.#and it was such a vibe???#like. i've been flirted with before#specifically a guy asked to dance with me (we were at a dance) and like. i did but it was really not it. i'm very enthusiastic when dancing#and there to have as much fun as i can and he was doing that awkward shuffle step thing and i could tell he wasn't really into dancing and#it felt he was bringing me down. dampening the vibe.#but with this guy we were vibing like crazy. he liked dancing! there was energy! he twirled me! it was insane you guys#also he has the cutest little southern accent#i didn't notice at first but my friend pointed it out to me and y'all it's adorable#got his spotify and we like a lot of the same music too#unfortunately he lives 2-3 states over (depending how you count)#we've been texting though#i met him at my competition so if we both win again i'll see him next year lol#finn says shit
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okay i need feedback from the autism mentall illness website um. this is going to read like an AITA post. brother vs half-sister (who are currently my dependents do to their own individual disabilities + ptsd/depression) spat i will skim the details on but i'm worried my sister will discount my take since i'm not autistic myself so. am i crazy to call it ableist to look at an autistic person (23) who is clearly going through it dealing w long term depression, a world that doesn't give a shit abt him, unemployment, very self-isolated and burnt out barely leaving his room because the world is an ableist dumpster fire with zero opportunities for him, and then bring up childhood abuse he's suffered and his diagnosis as reasonable factors on top of this to worry he'll [checks notes] abuse my cat just to hurt me or even worse have a breakdown and kill me and his other sibling in a violent episode, a train of thought i probably wouldn't even be having were he not [checks notes] mad at me for the first time in my life?
like i don't have any other read on this kind of fear-based characterization other than ableism. like those are very real things in his life but she never points out any current violent behavior, of which there are none, only the one (1) instance of him lashing out when he was like 14 and Officially Diagnosed Low Empathy she thinks is a concern and Hateful Looks toward her since he stopped getting along with her, that's it. i tried explaining to her why i, someone who's lived w him his entire life, can vouch for how unlikely he is to do anything like that, especially when it's again not based on anything he's actually currently doing except for isolating in a way that is much more indicative of him potentially being a danger to himself than anyone else, and being cold towards her specifically, and i thought she had let it go, but when i brought it up off-hand in a conversation tangentially related, she continued to defend and justify her Concern about the potential directions his behavior could lead to because [checks notes] other people in similar situations have lashed out and killed their entire families according to. true crime books or videos she's watched on youtube as far as i'm aware. ignoring the fact that her and i have had the same or Worse childhood abuse and have acted similarly isolated in the past, or for her literally just as currently as him, and she's not expressed any worry past or present about either of us doing anything like that, in my opinion obviously because i haven't cut her off due to our differences like he decided to. like am i big sibling biased because this is pissing me off so bad.
#j.txt#autism#ableism#very sorry to hang all my dirty laundry like this but she is absolutely the type of person to not take accusations of ableism seriously#due to being disabled/traumatized herself and i. feel like she thinks just because she's fixated on and consumed so much about like#mental disorders and illness and whatever she thinks she's an expert on it#enough to like. non-gendered equivalent mansplain peoples' own traumas and disorders to them lol which she has done to me as well#my brother actually last i checked felt like his diagnosis wasn't even accurate#but to me knowing our mom was v ableist antivax about her understanding of autism and a very neurotypical definition of it#it makes sense if the criterias or definitions don't feel accurate to him#idk. IDK#um. if this gets no engagement i'll delete it rather quick probably i just#don't wanna talk out of my ass when i'm not even autistic yk#i'm very aware i can be biased about him vs her because i actually grew up w him and he's younger than us but like#i havent heard him use her own diagnosis and childhood trauma and ugly moments in this way to justify his bad faith characterizations of he#so it's very much. just something she's doing. if my brother started doin it too i'd have the same conversation but he hasn't which i think#is u.m Telling <3#like She's the one actually complaining about how he assumes the worst of her in everything she does now and it makes her feel awful#meanwhile she. probably doesn't say any of this to Him but boy has she talked about it with me!#if it's not obvious we are all very mentally ill trapped in a house 2gether trying to save up to move so we can get away from each other lo
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sketches from @mipexch 's whiteboard a couple days ago!!
also feat. a very small reference to @onlineviolence :]
#peridots-art#bugs#bots#ultrakill#gabriel ultrakill#swordsmachine ultrakill#bugzapper ultrakill#minos prime ultrakill#v2 ultrakill#plus the rest of the fumos but those weren't done by me. someone was drawing v1 so i put a v2 beside them and came back later to like 5 mor#hence why they are out of frame. anyway this was a LOT of fun I lost track of time and stayed up till dawn even#there were so many cool and/or recognized artists.... i keep checking the ultrakill tag to see if anyone else posts their own sketches#it was posted at like 2am my time though so i didn't get to stay very long.... i checked in today on the fumo drawings and there was#just so much new art over there and in general. so many people doodling and having fun and complimenting each other and bonding over#the things we all like. im gonna cry#anyway. i think this is the longest period of non-posting (not inactivity. lol) on tumblr i've ever had#so might've forgot some tags. also i think i'll use alt text for multiple images and regular id for 1-2#edit also i wrote 'today' in the tags up there but it was in fact two days ago. regardless#ALSO. sorry if the alt text is hard to read or anything. never used it before + penchant for lengthy descriptions#can you tell i'm really proud of the beetle gabe btw. men will see a character say 'anyone gonna buggify that?' and not wait for an answer#WAIT i've already made that joke haven't i. whatever turn your blorbo into an insect or some sort of gay bug today
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The brainworms are winning, clearly (Patreon)
#Doodles#Osmosis Jones#Ozzy#Drix#Thrax#As if it wasn't bad enough when it was just Doran oh no - I knew I'd want a separate tag for this in earnest at some point ahhhh#Damned#Alright sure lol good enough - I'll go back and edit the tag in a bit#I just can't help it wahh the Institute is such a fun and interesting setting it scratches my brain in Such a way#It's been really fun poking around to see who's there but there are some who I'm like ''Why wasn't [x] there? :0''#Some make sense lol like characters that didn't exist/come into the cultural vogue until after the game started or ended#Totally understand that - and it's still really fun to speculate how they'd react! Very enjoyable!#But others - like the above - I'm just like But they existed before the game and are such fun characters! Why!#Neverminding that Osmosis Jones was yet another box office flop in an impressive lineup of likewise siblings oof lol#It'd be such a good movie......if only (lol) Like I love it! But yeah it's still pretty rough haha#Gosh if the animated sections aren't beautiful tho hh <3#The show's even rougher - like why choose a nearly PG-13 movie to turn into a Y-10 (at the Most) cartoon? The tone shift is so jarring lol#So yeah! Why weren't these characters a more popular draw five years later! That's practically still pop culture! Lolol#No I'm well aware I'm probably The entire pool of people interested in this crossover but hey - I offer >:3c#Obviously I had to have Ozzy judging me for subjecting him to the Institute - this is what you get for being a fave Oz <3#Thrax is All over him (a criminal) and Ozzy (a cop) being equalized in the same prison uniform lol - I mean yes but actually no#It's an escape game of course he wants out#I have way too much fun making ''real person'' profiles wagh I've already made a bunch of backstory stuff helpppp#The names are pulled around from the various voice actors/real names based on character names which was Quite fun#And of course Oz had to get punched :) That meme's not completely dead yet is it lol#But really it was just fun posing ahhh I'm really rather pleased with it <3 Excited to scene-stitch that one together too#Drix fussing over Oz is my favourite ahhhh yesss <3 <3#Can you tell that hunched-over Thrax was my first pass? Here's a hint - he doesn't have a burned finger there!#I wrote up his profile after that one and forgot to add it afterwards haha but yeah! Just barely touched on in-fic so far lol#And then him in his proper clothes.... Look all I'm saying is that I was uniquely primed in my media diet to enjoy Vargas lol
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random thought I had while cleaning/tidying up: I think maybe I tend to get very frustrated and feel like I haven't accomplished anything while doing this because I can't remember what the room(s) actually looked like before. I have aphantasia, I don't have visual memory basically, so while I'm vaguely aware that it was worse before, that doesn't really mean anything? like, I see that there's still things lying around or whatever, and it feels like nothing has changed at all. when that's objectively not true.
maybe I should start taking pictures before I get started, that might help.
#often I'll be really upset after working on something like this for several hours#and I'll say that to my husband. and he's like what?! no it's MUCH better than before!#but I really can't tell#lol#well I hope I'll finally be done unpacking/moving/tidying the last things from the move soon... it's really not much that's left but it's#all stuff that I'm finding difficult so it's taking forever lol#maybe it's a good thing that I just realised this at least. because it does get very discouraging when I always feel like nothing gets#better no matter how much I do#personal
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my mom literally trying to gaslight me in real time is sooo funny
#can i say quite literally the most cunty annoying thing in the entire world.#it is very frustrating to me that i send my birthday wishlist. a month before my birthday.#and everyone waits till the last week to get stuff. like.#i get my stuff for people 3 weeks before birthdays and christmas most of the time if they give me lists#and literally some ppl are shopping for me like 4 days before my bday and asking what i want#even though i already. sent a wishlist.#and i don't get it like#i never buy myself fun things bc i hate spending money#so i ask for fun silly stuff you have to buy online bc otherwise i'll never get it#and then they also never get it for me bc they never look at what i want until last minute#and i don't get it lol!!! makes me feel like no one actually wants to get me anything#and just does it out of obligation like#i care about getting stuff ppl want and making them happy#IDK I KNOW THIS SOUNDS SO CUNTY I SHOULDN'T COMPLAIN#THAT PPL WANNA GET ME THINGS AT ALL#it's just like. i care a lot about effort yenno.#SIGH WHATEVER. I JUST THINK IT'S FUNNY MY MOM TRIED TO GASLIGHT ME ABT THIS CONVO#i told her to tell my brothers gf not to get me x piece of dndads merch cuz tay wanted to get it for me#and that the gf could get me dragon age posters i put on my google doc#my mom comes back down says the dndads stuff wouldn't come by my birthday#and i said i literally told you to tell her not to get her that because tay wants to get me that#and she was like no you said the other thing#NO. I DID NOT. LOL.#AND THEN SHE ROLLED HER EYES AT ME WHEN I CORRECTED HER#like.............................................#ANYWAY. SORRY FOR BEING THE WORST MOST ANNOYING GIRL IN THE WORLD AND#EXPRESSING THE MOST GLARINGLY FIRST WORLD PROBLEM OF ALL TIME#i just want ppl to genuinely care about me on my birthday like sorry if that is too much to ask!!!#maia.txt
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Man is saying weird things to me again
#help mom he's oversharing about drinking scotch every evening#that's very on brand for Man#tales from diana#i literally did Nothing to reach out to him i don't know what he wants#i was just thinking in the shower literally not even half an hour ago about how you know it's strange#he used to always have this way of talking to me like he was trying to impress me which is just kinda silly honestly#like i was a 20-21-year-old in awe of him and he was a retired male model eight years older than me w more life experience#and some rather exotic and interesting experiences at that#i think he somewhat envies that i seem (at least to him) like a self-possessed 'intellectual'#thats how he talks to me at least. it's funny tho#not that im not. like. smart. i think the both of us know i'm better-read than he'll be in 3 lifetimes#and i'm not quite self-possessed but i certainly don't have the open-wounded insecurity he does#while also being rather more confident than most ppl in some areas (and it's not ALL unearned)#he's got much more ambition than i do though. more ambition than i'll have in 10 lifetimes#and he seems to do everything with a motivation of external validation and approval.#so i think he has a chip on his shoulder. poor little Man#the two of us could not be more opposite. but i don't really strive to be like him in the ways he strives to be like me#he chases this dream of what he thinks the perfect man is and it's quite inhuman so of course he falls short.#i on the other hand am if anything much TOO accepting of my own faults and shortcomings. ahem#these are all things i will never say to Man. he's too silly to hear it#besides. im rather sure he likes me (? in some way) and i am these days just very ambivalent to him#i can't NOT say i find him attractive bc i do but he's just. sooooo not the one lol#he's a fascinating creature all flaws aside but i never find myself studying him at my own volition#Man just comes outta the woods sometimes to tell me about his travels or women or whiskey. he's odd#he's very eccentric but between the two of us i think i'm the better eccentric. no wonder he visits me sometimes#but he brings gifts and prayers like he's coming to a devotional shrine or something. i'm like sir this is not a temple#he'll never be normal but he is so strange in the ways i'm too good for. if i do say so myself#(and that's saying something bc i'm not too good for ANYTHING)
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maybe we'd live in a different world if someone had sat the creative team of this is us down, held their hands and say. hey. hey. you know you don't have to write kevin and sophie together if you don't want to, right?
#i have never in my life seen an endgame ship/love interest written like this#and I've seen some cases where it was clear the writers were reluctant at best and hostile at worst but#even then there seemed to be some... spark somewhere. in the character if not the ship? and if there wasn't the pairing crumbled anyway#but not this one lol#like. i just finished rewatching s5 and this time I'll actually try to watch s6#so it might do something different in s6 (if it does it'll be very minor)#bur for now i can categorically say that sophie went FIVE SEASONS without having a plot with a character other than kevin#the only other love interest of kevin who had that honour is the Other Girl in season 1#and ig sophia bush as the hall pass lady lmao#and both actually had more sparkling personalities than sophie but ymmv#like. this show looooooves The Interactions TM#you can tell how significant a secondary character is by how many pearsons they talk to outside their assigned one lmfao#we're TOLD sophie was once Kate's best friend and they haven't shown that ONCE so far#kophie is completely disconnected from the rest of the story. unmoored. this is noooot a good thing lmao#it really doesn't help that the actress has about negative charisma#the good thing about this rewatch is that idc much about kevin's fate so. eh#talking to the void#my thoughts#tiu thoughts#this is us#antikophie for ts
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the really beautiful landscape/skyscape animation in makoto shinkai's works tends to be the big thing i see focused on and that is understandable and deserved like the weather and lighting effects are unREAL but i do think we should also appreciate how absolute insane the plotlines of his original movies get. at least two movies with in universe catastrophes with major ecological implications. the guns and explosions. theres that one movie i havent seen yet with the guy who turns into a chair (?)
#just watched weathering with you. it was really good. REALLY good#i remember when it came out people were saying it was better than your name. but now it seems the general opinion switched?#your name changed my brain chemistry and outlook on life. i think weathering with you may do the same#so to me i think they're like on pare with eachother. i dont know if i can choose which is my fav now LOL#they are sisters to me..... sisters to me...... quick review below watch out for spoilers#i dont think i'll be too detailed but i do also just recommend watching it its a great movie#I DID like the soundtrack in your name a BIT better like the score had a few more hooks for me and i loved all the insert songs#while in wwy i liked the last three inserts but the first couple didnt really grab me. but its all radwimps so its all good LOL#the side characters in wwy were so good tho like i loved all the cast so much#of course i adored the main characters of your name and wwy both. but the side cast in wwy ruled i think i'll remember them for a long time#the taki jumpscare was also great. my boy was here. my boy was here. just for a minute#i also adored how unhinged the main character of wwy was. hodaka was like. a bit unwell? HJKDJHKFD i thought it was great#weird and quiet but desperately a bit violent in a way that i think was very relatable#i also loved the like. message? sorry that sounds sappy but i liked that like the story was kind of like#coming to hina who is working so hard and forced by herself and circumstance to grow up so early and sacrifice so much#and grabbing her by the shoulders and telling her YOU CAN LIVE!!! YOU CAN HAVE FUN!!! ITS OKAY!!!!!!#i think it was so sweet and such a strong sentiment. wonderful movie. also there was guns and i was so scared#i think that might actually by why i love how high stakes the plots get in these movies like the character design and personalities are so#real and down to earth so when you go to the beautiful planetary skyscapes and also the exploding vehicals you get like so in awe or scared#it does also make me laugh tho now thinking about the your name nendos. you can just barely make nendos of them. you cannot make a nendo of#hodaka. hina maybe. but not hodaka. he is. some guy. the most some guy. visually at least. mentally hes got. something happening <3#loved him so much. hes normal. hes normal. oh they did make some popup parades thats cute#altho it is a bit funny looking. that is just like two normal teenagers JHKLDSHKFDLSafdjksd#anyway next up i'll probably watch the chair movie. ive heard a couple songs from it and they were pretty good so im excited#it also makes me realize i need to watch more of his back catalogue other than 5cm.... he has way more movies than i remembered#i hope someday he gets to make the yuri movie he wanted to. it would be unreal. huge beautiful skys. ecological disasters. girls kissing#oh i hope he gets to do it one day..... one day.....#EDIT: WAIT THEY DID MAKE A NENDO OF HODAKA AND HINA.... LIKE FULL NENDOS NOT EVEN PETITE.....#HODAKA REALLY DOES JUST LOOK LIKE SOME DUDE.... AWESOME
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Some of those doctors make hating oat milk their entire personality. I hate them. Cannot pretend to find them funny or like i give a shit. Fucking pretentious assholes
#also my colleague (the girl i had my shift with) is the exact opposite of me in all aspects. asked me if I'd ever worked in customer service#because i couldn't care less about being fake friendly to assholes and don't care if they like the service or not#like bitch those people don't have any other choice but drink our fucking coffee it's not like I'm competing with anyone#or like they pay us in any way. i get paid for doing the dumb work i have to do not for stroking some dumb ass doctors' egos#they come out of their rooms once an hour to get coffee and we have the cups on the table and i wouldn't even Think of#HANDING them the cups and smiling sweetly at them and asking 'coffee? tea?? :))'#I'll just assume these grown adults will get their stupid coffee or tea when they want some. it's not like they don't know where it is#(and i AM friendly and smile when someone is coming in our direction but why the fuck do you need to get so disgustingly friendly with them#if someone held up a cup asking if i.want some coffee I'd leave immediately even if i came just for coffee. it's creepy)#anyway. she's nice. I'm not.#there's normal people who will get their coffee and maybe ask if the milk in the little jug is cow milk to which I'll happily reply 'yes#:)'. then there's the other people who see the oat milk and make it clear they are the most insufferable people on the planet#(and i pity their patients so much. not much to choose from i guess but if i had that as a doctor I'd happily just die)#like everyone who took oatmilk could do it without making a fuss about the cow milk on the table. the cow milk lovers could never#'the oat milk is in front of the actual milk. this is unacceptable. i hate such healthy bullshit' lol okay#'OAT milk?? I'll leave this to the horses! THANK GOD you have actual milk!'#my favorite was the one who really took personal offense with its sheer presence. as if it had killed half of his patients lmao#'we had 50 patients with xyz problem. ALL of them drink oat milk. they cannot see the connection. it's really unhealthy'#at this point i just said i didn't care and stopped paying attention and he started complaining to his doctor colleague about how#oat milk is advertised to be healthy and how it's actually the opposite and i just find that very funny compared to the first comment#from that one guy who doesn't like such healthy bullshit. you guys need to find a consensus on the oatmilk issue i think. no one takes you#seriously if you contradict yourself like this. also i couldn't care less about the healthiness of the milk alternative of my choice. bitch.#next week I'll end up killing someone. i hope they all die from their cow milk. (but not the ones who took cow milk and didn't say anything#about the oat milk. they can continue living as they didn't annoy me)#void screams#some of these doctors were actually quite nice (most of them even). one even brought an applicant to us telling her to get some coffee#(which we are not allowed to give to applicants. but i don't care. I'd rather they get something than some of the asshole jury members#who hate oat milk (which is not the issue. the issue is them making it everybody else's issue that they don't like oat milk))
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reading earlier chapters of my own fic like it's sustenance
#p sure no one's gonna read this fic once i post it#and/or i'll get hate for it#so i'm writing it all first#we're ... distantly nearing the end of arc 2#and we're at about 77k words atm#and there are four arcs#a/b fic#fic talk#i can't wait to write from anthony's pov in arc 4...#and once this fic is done i'm gonna write that simon/anthony fic#i miss writing anthony in this fic! he's only not been there for like 4k words or something and i already miss him lol#and i have to work out how angry i should make frederick. and... i distantly know how this section will end but as i'm tired i can't hold#onto it#which is very annoying#anyway. lemme go gif some s1 anthony because ilh#i actually can't believe how much i do lol#he really grew on me. but it's more the hair and the sheer angst that's oozing from him#oozing lol#anyway. was rereading ch2 of a/b fic and it's just. aaah. cute. the way anthony self-consciously tells benedict that he grew up on a ship#that he's more working class than merchant. and he's just waiting for benedict to like. not want to be with him anymore#but then benedict says he doesn't care about that. and anthony is floored by it#but as you already learn in the next chapter- benedict already thinks that anthony isn't good enough#that he's someone special but it can't ever be something more#like. i think that's right. no he doesn't care that he's of a lower social class. but does he want to court him? absolutely not
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See I would try to socially transition for a few years first, except no one refers to me as he/they
#ignore me i'm journaling in another tab lol#when you look like me and say you go by all pronouns it's always “she” lol. sometimes the rare “they”#and the one that always makes me laugh: 'her pronouns are they/them'. like thanks mate very helpful#and i do go by all pronouns so it's all good! i just wonder if i should try these two out exclusively for a while#i say this as if i didn't do this a few years ago. ......shut up.#i'll say that the last time i went out with pals and my partner i asked them to refer to me as he/him for the night and it didn't feel weir#but idk. i think it only sometimes feels weird because 1) it's so binary and 2) i clearly do not look like a cis guy so it's hard to pictur#i.................... think i HAVE been socially transitioning for three years. damn it.#i wish pronouns just didn't exist lol. it's too hard to decide#and every time i get excited about transition and ALMOST decide to do it i suddenly remember aaaaaall my partner's family members exist.#mostly their SIL's family. very very big and traditional. that wedding this summer was dysphoria HELL. absolute hell.#i understand why people start hrt without telling anyone. my god it's so much easier and no one can try to convince you not to do it.
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Man, I wish I was as hot irl as my fursona is
#personal#i guess#idk. i don't feel comfortable talking about my body image very much#mostly because i'm worried i'll make other people uncomfortable#but i'm going to talk about it here so stop reading if that's going to make you uncomfortable#i guess that's what trigger warnings are for though#i'm also worried i'll make like a vent post or something and instead of people being supportive i'll get someone calling me out#like. if i say i feel bad about being overweight someone will just tell me i should feel bad about internalizing fatphobia instead#as if i don't already do both lol#on a somewhat more lighthearted note i'm also just not sure how to describe myself#i'm too big and hairy to be a twink but i feel like i'm also not big and hairy enough to be a bear#i don't think i'm hairy enough to be an otter either#clearly the solution is to post pics and hope other people will tell me the answer (and also that i'm hot)#anyway my life would be better if my dad would stop calling me fat#i like living with my parents because it means not paying rent in austin but man it is not great for my mental health#oh wait. i was actually going to upload a mirror selfie then i realized maybe i am big enough to be a bear#still somewhat lacking in the hairiness department though
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bathroom inspections
#this was gonna be more of a comic of the thought process but i am not strong enough to draw brushing teeth so. watever#anyway it's like. i'm very much someone who would probably mainly fall in the 'cute' category. this is from others and my own perception#so pretty/handsome/beautiful or whatever other adjectives are not really what i would associate with myself AT ALL#not really an issue tbh it's just like. it is what it is you know?#whenever i'm brushing my teeth i'll just look at myself and i can think 'yeah i'm pretty cute'#but. THIS TIME. it was 'hey.. i do look kind of pretty' which was...... different. strange#maybe i will make a more coherent comic but who knowz man#a few weeks ago my friend did tell me that when they first saw me they thought i was really pretty. which was sweet#i say a few weeks but i'm pretty sure it was like three months ago lol#anyway hi person reading my tags#doodle
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been debating on what to say for longer than i've expected, going anon for this ( although i mayyy suspect you may already know who i am just by my writing style but- welp! xd ) ; if i say anything even remotely wrong, you are free to ignore this ask /gen
you're enough. i think one big step is learning you don't have to be enough for everyone else because it's impossible to do that. you can't please everyone, you can't not please everyone aswell ; 8 billion people in the world, it's almost destiny that atleast 100 of them will be bothered by your existence, and other 100 will not.
although, it's okay to feel that way. it's okay to feel like you have to please everyone, to feel like you have to make everyone happy, to feel worthless if that's not the case. it's okay and you're allowed to feel that way. you are not to blame for feelings that you cannot control.
i won't say i understand, but as a fellow people-pleaser, i can say that i can atleast get the feeling. and i want you to know that it's okay. feel free to open up, to be vulnerable, to cry, to feel worthless, to feel like you're not good enough, to feel like your entire existence is entitled to only making people happy - you're allowed to feel all of those things and more. that's okay.
embrace those feelings instead of shoving them away, be kind to yourself by allowing yourself to just feel. it's okay.
it's so easy to just say you're worth, but you're not gonna believe me if i say you are. so i ask you to say those things to yourself instead, and the multiple times you feel like that's just luck, or you're being a fraud ; that's when you know you're doing great. that's when you know you are worth much more than what that voice in your head tells you.
your worth as someone is much more than what your acchievements tells you ; accept yourself as someone who is allowed to feel, to mess up, to regret, to cry, to be successful, to be kind to oneself, to feel and be all of those things and more.
that can be quite hard to do, but look how far you've gotten. you're still here, aren't you? easier said than done, i know. and it won't get easy, not even one bit - but, and i mean it genuinely : you got this. you genuinely got this.
not sure what to say anymore, so i'm just gonna say that i'm here if you wanna talk. my dms are open for you , and i will be there to give my support to you just as much as i can.
<- sincerely, a moot.
...
hey. thanks. /gen
I'm surprised that you even bothered to write out the message. it's odd because I had a weird thought of "they'll just ignore it"/"I want someone to notice this."
I'm still here. Yeah. That is something.
(Holy shit you made me cry with this /gen /pos)
I think I've grown relatively desensitized to people caring about me (not because of them, but because I've truly forgotten what it's like to have someone actually comfort you, especially when said person barely knows you.) but I seriously, seriously appreciate people (like you!) that bother to send me messages like this.
it does help make things better. like- seriously.
(still somewhat in shock because why would anyone care about how I'm doing and take time out of their day to write or do anything for my sake?) but I want to say this did make me feel a lot better. not okay, but a lot better. /gen /pos
be kind to yourself. now hang on a minute didn't I write something literally about this-
oh. i guess i'm just not taking my own advice.
#ghost's smol ask box#ghost vents to the void#for the record: yeah. i do know who you are. most likely.#and i want to thank you. i know i did but thank you. thank you.#my blog is currently titled as “imposter syndrome. stop coming in uninvited.” and it sums it up pretty well#it would be so easy to just tell someone to stop. like snap your fingers and suddenly you can internalize the fact that#you are enough and you deserve everything#but it isn't as easy as just saying it to someone#it's so easy to judge people who have a depleted sense of self-worth from an outsiders perspective#and go: “psh- why is this person bending over backwards to please everyone? they are clearly good enough.”#“all of the validation they could ever get is right there in front of them." (even if it's more complicated than that)#*cough cough*#i might not just be talking about me here. there's a certain someone who this also may or may not apply to (try and guess who)#problem is: even if the whole world tells you that you're good <- highly unlikely you'll still see yourself#as undeserving and worthless and everything inbetween#validation/approval addiction is very much a thing and even at the end of the day you KNOW you can't please everybody#you still try even though it's a lose-lose situation at the end.#oopsies i turned this into rambling lol currently trying to get back to writing on ao3 but i'm contemplating deleting all the things#people might not like or might be sick of.#...OH NO-#did the new episode teach me NOTHING 😭#but i'm being serious. this takes so long to try and untangle. especially when your entire life feels like to please people for your worth#maybe i'll write something about it. idk.#it's really hard to be kind to yourself. but I'm trying. /gen#i wish younger me can hear this. they seriously need this.
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