#it's just too much. im nauseous just thinking about it
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i dont wanna misrepresent it tho, there is a lot of people defending it saying "this is so obviously abt creatives who are too paralyzed to create anything and not about any of the other stuff" , which Is in fact the point. so thank u for that very much :)
and im not gonna engage w a random subreddit thatd be a fools errand, but in case anyone else feels iffy abt my post, i have some words. kind of a vent tho
the post was obvsly never meant to enable racist, homophobic, or misogynistic depictions or whatever, and i will say if thats ur first instinct then u might want to relax. i dont really feel the need to defend myself on that. im not gonna make a post like this and then say "except this and this and this" like yeah, no shit. and its not about thinking ppl should be forced to consume ur stories and not be allowed to dislike it, and it doesnt mean u should expect money for stuff thats "unmarketable". this isnt about money
it was about my paralyzing fear of any and all feelings of shame, and of my moral ocd-esque overthinking of literally every word i put down about my ocs. due to various life things, being ridiculed is something i am extremely sensitive to and i instinctively want to avoid at all costs. it is also, inevitably, something that very well may happen when you want to put yourself out there on the Fuck Ass Internet. or at all, in life. i am so bogged down by the fear of it happening at all that to this day, even after i made that post, its still my biggest problem. not just as a creative but pretty much anything. i get excited about oc projects, and then i imagine actually putting them out there and having people perceive them, and i just get nauseous with fear. the fact once i do so there will be no going back is like, i cant even think about it. i still dont know how to deal with this besides repeating "do it scared" to myself.
i still have no idea how i dealt with having that big following before. i guess the fact that i mostly kept to myself and people didnt really talk about me even when i made posts that blew up, like this one
to whomever that post actually helped, i am extremely glad, to put it short. and i hope i get there too.
saw a post on twitter that was like "if u want to see bad takes on u just go to reddit" and AAHAAAA NOOOO its literally all the fucking "indie creator" post i made and its just a bunch of people going "i need money tho". like yeah u got me i got nothing to say that
#blabs#i mean it btw i still go back to that post and see ppl say it helped them and it warms my heart#pls go out there and create. pls express urself even if its weird.
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so furious and enraged over a horse game that im trembling. genuinely. stole my fucking unicorn right from under me. punching holes through drywall and screaming so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so fucking loud
#:) typing those so's. in a rhythm. sounded like horses hooves. :)#i dont even like horses to be quite honest. i play this game 100 percent because of nostalgia i really dont like them#theyre way way way too big for my personal tastes and their fucking teeth scare the shit out of me#i try to be full of whimsy and feed my grandpa's horse an apple? it comes at me with its fucking tombstone teeth#jesus#i have ended up just tossing the apple in its paddock 100 percent of the time. way too scary#and even if it didnt bite me what then? then it slobbers horse slobber on me? it gets me with its weirdly structureless lips??#it's just too much. im nauseous just thinking about it#im sorry this is so cruel to horses. im sorry horses. but please don't come near me#plus the last time i rode a horse i (TMI SORRY) pissed blood in a mcdonalds bathroom and cried#why am i saying any of this. sorry. it's literally 1 pm and i haven't been able to sleep yet somehow#even though ive been trying since 6 am :(#if youve read this far i am giving you an apple and getting so so so scared of your teeth and throwing the apple at your feet and#running away
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#i feel wretched#as if my whole body's been caught in a current and bashed into every rock and rusted can and broken bottle on the river bed#i am nauseous as fuck#i could not sleep last night and cannot sleep currently#and someone just booked to view our house tomorrow#so i quite literally just rolled off my bed and crawled through the house trying to tidy as much of my art and Xmas and travel shit as i can#while my wife does the bigger cleaning jobs#and i do not have the energy for it. because no sleep. and also i technically have no food in me. do with that what you will#and i think i'm getting a fever again but i'm just pretending it's not happening because i want to shower and get into my pyjamas#and all i wanted to do today was write but i havent been able to#and i wanted to cook a nice dinner but i cant do that either#im gonna try and eat a BISCUIT in a minute and see if my stomach can bear it#and i keep forgetting that i'm overdue my period so that's definitely on the horizon#anyway if the person doesnt put an offer in tomorrow i may genuinely curl up in a ball and cry like a baby#i know this is tmi and i complain way too much btw. this is as brave as i can be about it#anyways im off to crawl to the shower#tbd
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no i’m literally so happy for you guys. you have your boyfriends and scholarships and awards and jobs and hobbies and friends, and i have these dead sailors
#posts for my friends who i love but also being around them too much makes me nauseous#lots of things make me nauseous i guess but especially Group Events with People My Age#girl help im getting a c- in being a teenager :/#podium#im not even doing relevant scholarship on my dead sailors im just thinking about them and occasionally posting.#i don’t even have useful autism this is terrible for meeeeeee
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This just in, local struggler severely overestimates how much they can eat yet again. Left with half a bowl of ramen and a sad, sad heart
#speculation nation#it's homemade at least so im not wasting money on fancy ramen#but i Hate this man it sucks 😭😭😭😭#i keep losing weight bc i can never eat enough#and i was like 'ok lets make a ramen thats a good sized meal' but then i cant FINISH it#forced myself to finish all the eggs at least and now im just picking at the peas. ugh.#at this rate im gonna have to start drinking ensures more regularly again#bc i havent gotten to the underweight phase yet but if it keeps going like this then i will#like it was. excuse me talking about my weight for a bit but im a tad bit concerned about it#but back before i started adderall back in uhh. september?? i think?? or october???#fuck if i remember. been a few months tho. but also not That long.#anyways i was at like. 140lbs at the doctor and like 137lbs at home (relevant bc clothes weight. rest of this will be at home weights)#and ive had such shit appetite that ive been watching it go down and down. like at least a pound a week. sometimes two pounds.#and now im at 123lbs. which is a solid almost 15 lbs lost in like 3 ish months. which is kind of a lot when ur small to begin with.#also a little alarming when u see this happen like a pound lower between every shower. bc i tend to check before i shower.#& i often shower every 4 days or so. when im in the Rotting Era and all. aka i dont rly go outside much.#and like 123lbs still isnt bad for 5'3“ but i think 107lbs is the cutoff for underweight. and im halfway there.#and now see i was about this weight a few years back so in one respect it's nice to fit into some of my older pants again#but at the same time..thats too quick!!! thats not healthy!!!! but when i try to eat more i Cant!!! it makes me nauseous!!!!!#so back in early 2020 when i was dipping under 110lbs bc of meds stuff i got onto ensure and it did help. so maybe i need to again.#just..blegh. i just kinda feel empty all the time. like stomach-wise. but not Hungry. it's a problem.#gotta come up with ways to eat that dont rely on my stomach to tell me when to eat. bc it's definitely not doing a good job at that.#weight mention/#and like see ive been eating 2 meals a day on average but i was doing that before too!!!!!!#but i think it's bc i cant Finish my meals half the time that's really causing problems.#staring at my half eaten bowl of ramen very grumpily. it has now been long enough that it's kind of gross.#and my arms hurt. just bc my bone aches have decided to flare up again. very grumpy.#negative/#i guess lol
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ��oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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I feel like barf and I spent a bunch of time stress studying for a bunch of exams that are two months to a year away so I can't say that my commentary is going to be spectacular and everything that these next two chapters deserve but by god I'm going to try and that's all that I really need to do anyways
#give me 10-20 minutes to see if i stop being nauseous and if yes ill do it today and if not ill still do it today#just probably less than normal#urgh i feel like im about to pass out#I MEAN FALL ASLEEP#people always think i mean PASS OUT pass out but i always mean fall asleep where im sitting#has nobody ever heard being super tired described as feeling like youre about to pass out#is that really not a thing#today was too much#i know only maybe two people read these things anyways but thats ok#they and i are pretty much my target audience anyways#i like reading my thoughts back to myself which is like. kind of weird#but maybe its not#maybe its so so so so so normal
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another vent in the tags ugh i should try and do something nice rn
#my pains got so bad again that i threw up again#it's tiring because. i can't even eat atp without worrying about whether it'll make me feel so nauseous i throw up#the doctors wanted to try another new medicine but its put straight in the rear and. shouldnt be shit out. and. yknow. IBD ....#so i obviously do shit it out like immediately ... bcus i cant help it#i probably have to call them on monday to let them know ive started throwing up too#couldnt even go upstairs today without taking breaks bcus of the stomach pains#and theres so much blood all the time#i need to. think about something to distract myself from this bcus i know i shouldnt be ashamed of my condition and i cant help it#but im ashamed anyway and im frustrated and hate myself because i cant do anything else but lie down rn. cant even sleep for the most part#i get like 2 hours sleep max in a day#i kinda wanna draw my apex oc but i suck at designs and idk how to design her clothes LMAOAOA#just wanna draw her interacting w people tbh#also i want more alter content but idk what to make#i just love her
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Shout out to me for actually doing my shot on time!!
#needles /#it's usually 8-9 days between shots instead of 7#but i actually managed to do it today!#i really do hate doing these#i still can't look when i get blood drawn or anything#and if i think about the needle too much while it's going in i'll pass out#but i manage#i have done this hundreds of times#and while it got easier in the mechanical sense#and bc i switched to subq bc w IM i kept passing out#it hasn't mentally gotten much easier#i can do it without a problem#but it sucks#it's the best option for me#even larger doses and more time between are worse for me#the smaller amt subq every week is the best for me#in theory the implants are great#in reality just the thought makes me nauseous#if i look at a tb test i pass out#for reference#needles are fine#things under my skin are not
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i think a big plus of having Guz be so tall and just in general bigger than me is that I could sit in front of him with my back to his chest and have his arms wrapped around me and he could just hide me away from the world for a little while. he is my own personal brick wall fsdjkl a weighted blanket perhaps too,,
#so much softer than a brick wall ofc dsfkl but . just saying ''wall'' doesnt conjure up the mental image as well as ''brick wall''#my nervous system is absolutely shot fdsjkl i opened my other main account to check in with a couple ppl and got so nauseous and dizzy ;-;#idk what is wrong w meeee (well no i do sort of know but fjsdkl i dont know how to fix That so im pretending thats not the issue)#i was doing so well for a couple weeks too wtf 😭😭#thank god i have a counseling appt on monday dsjkl i think i very much need it#so many difficult things happened today now that i think about it fjksl i did Nawt have a rest day fdsjkl#i think ... tonight i will shut everything out and just draw or write or smth#just completely wrap myself up in creating stuff for a couple hours at least#i would like One hug from my man and perhaps ten minutes of deep pressure FDSJKL or just. feeling safe for a bit. agh. i've said too much#OVERWHELMED. THATS WHAT IM FEELING. AUGH. finally placed the feeling im having HFDSJKL#theres so many strings in my life and i have dropped quite a few over the holidays and i dont think i can pick them back up#like. idk how i ever held all of them wtf jfsdkl how was i doing that !!! theres so many goddamn strings to hold !!#vent //#dandy.cmd
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i see the 1975 in exactly a week and i’m genuinely terrified, excited and nervous all at the same time 💀
#if i think too much about it#i get nauseous#just not knowing what to wear#plus not knowing how far in advance people will camp out for it#and then actually getting a good place in the pit#cos my five feet tall ass will not see shit#if im not in a good place#and then not knowing if im getting ballad or fsom#screaming crying throwing up fr
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**KISSES THEM BOTH AND PICKS THEM BOTH UP OFF THE GROUND
#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙#tape entry circa 1980#I WAS ABLE TO LIFT THEM BOTH UP OFF THE GROUND IN MY ARMS IN A DREAM SO THATS REAL NOW HFJDSK#i love them SOO SOOO SOO SO SO SO SOSOSOSOSO MUCH#every day i think of them and long for them#i just long for a happy life w them both... i want the simple things so badly tbh i want to fall asleep and wake up next to them every day#to make food for them and to cook together to go grocery shopping and running errands just whatever as long as its w them#there is beauty in everything even in the simple even in the ugly... and w them that beauty is so blindingly there at all times#i want to experience every little thing w them and be comforted by them and for them to comfort me too...#like when i broke the first elo album i ever owned and just BROKE down crying about it because of how important it was to me#and they went out immediately to try to find another first pressing to replace it#idk i just keep thinking about them and i keep feeling so sad because im not w them#the thought i could ever be w/o them makes me feel such deep dread that it makes me nauseous like ik i wouldnt be able to live w/o them#theyre my everything my life my loves my truest soulmates#id do anything to be home w them in the 80s to go on our rollerskating dates and to browse music for hours and hangout at the mall#idk i just cant stop thinking i just cant... i just love them more than life itself#i think everything in this world has beauty in it but when it comes to min and ryan its like nothing can even hold a candle to them#if the world is beautiful then they are ethereal#i was playing my guitar for a few hours today and just couldnt help but wonder if my min and ryan are proud of me...#if im... enough for them i guess#i havent been playing my whole life like they have so i feel like i cant match up... but ik they love me#and ik im good enough for the band and they would reassure me over and over of that#i just kinda wish they could love and reassure me in person#and then we could play and sing together :"-] id love to hear our voices together... i think my voice would go so perfectly w theirs
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Thinking too hard about Aviae and Zevrans friendship and it's making me Ill
#dragon age#oc: aviae surana#crow rambles#you look into the assassins eyes and you see a twisted mirror of yourself. of the internal struggle between the want of survival and the#want of it all to end. you hold your hand out to him. this will change both of your lives forever#and when the archdemon is dead and your lover has left you and the pieces you had been frantically trying to hold together fall apart and#shatter. he holds out his hand to you.#THEY MAKE ME SICK. SICK. IM NAUSEOUS OUGGHHHHH#both of them are living for the first time. both of them grew up trapped in a gilded cage. they recognize it in each other#theres a certain instant understanding between them. maybe neither of them notice it but they both warm up to each other very fast#aviae has reason to be wary of everyone in the party: alistair was almost a templar. morrigan is. well morrigan. wynne is too pro circle for#aviae to truly let down her guard around. leliana is too attached to the maker for her. ironically the assassin is the one she bares her#throat to willingly. she sees the reflected desire and WANT of survival in him. the longing for freedom. it just. oughhhh#ive said it before but if zevran had showed up sooner he would have been her canon love intrest#however i MUCH prefer their friendship it does something to my brain chemistry#she can just be so??? bare and honest with him?? when she tells him about the circle and its horrors#about waking up to friends missing. about templars eyes lingering where they were unwanted. about the constant surveillance she went through#he GETS it. i get why people are so ill avout zevsurana bc their friendship alone has me about to sob#it is 2:38 am and i cannot fall asleep bc i am thinking about them. insane
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so sorry about the rsi! im in the same boat OTL, im not a writer but would audio/speech to text notes possibly help lessen the strain, at least with drafting? (much love)
my brother in suffering i love u and hope you are managing bc this shit sucks so bad <3
i've ofc considered this but it's not smth that works for me due to a lot of stupid factors one of which being. i am incapable of speaking about my writing which is a dumb hangup but i genuinely. don't talk abt it ever i only text, even to my partner. this extends to sitting in my dark room narrating shit into a microphone my brain does not want to do it. and it wouldn't even begin to cover issues w software (i love every forum that talks abt dragon natural speech as if that shit doesn't cost 600eu lol) recognizing character names nd fantasy place names, me being an ESL speaker with spotty pronunciation, and that genuinely. typing is faster than speaking for me. it's like two tracks and i can think while i type the ideas go from head thru hands into keyboard but speaking is '????????' i cannot think and speak at the same time. it is probably a matter of re-learning to some degree but given all the other caveats, nothing short of losing both my hands in a freak accident wld get me to consider vtt. i'd learn to type with my feet probably before i ever give speech recognition an honest try. and yeah, even then, as u said it wld only work for drafting. i'm certain other folks manage to edit via speech software somehow, and more power to them, but i'd kmys no joke there is nothing in writing for me if it's not quiet concert of mind and hands, for better and for worse.
#i know there are cheaper programs out there but smooth recognition and operation wld be soooo important. if i were inclined 2 use it#sorry for. this half vent ive spent too much time thinking about this over the last year#i have tried and dictating oc things makes me nauseous in ways words have not been invented to describe#this is a me problem and one i will take to grave. live life my way or not at all#like im doing fine!!!! i will probably continue to improve!!! i'm just whiny lol#and screenplay isnt even a fraction as writing intensive as the other two things i wanna tackle this year so i am >:/ like COME ON#im gna be able to bench press my bodyweight before i can straight write a chapter at this rate#askbox#anonbox#rsi samsara#huge apologies if this reply comes off badly im just. going thru it augh#i hope ur doing alright with ur situation i know i was delirous with anger before i got it somewhat stabilized h
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disordered eating talk in the tags
#disordered eating cw#so like i did a stupid and took my meds this morning without eating breakfast and about mid morning#i had too much water and got super nauseous and had to throw up#and i realized that i still have a weird THING around purging#i don't feel like throwing up is an experience that should engender a sense of comfort in a person but it does in me#like i didn't even have anything in my stomach it's not like i had binged or whatever#but just the purgative act in itself feels GOOD to me#like a relief#kind of brings to mind how in my most stressful/mental breakdown-y times or during panic attacks all that's ever clear in my mind#is a desire to throw up. to just get this horrible feeling i can't process out of me#and i think it kinda speaks to how much food and eating or not eating or *purging* was how i found control and a sense of stability#having ednos is irritating bc it basically means you did a little of everything and none of those individual things ever got really dramatic#so it wasn't exactly noticeable but it all adds up into a pattern of behavior around food that's just deeply dysfunctional#and getting people to take it seriously is really difficult bc so many of those behaviors are normalized#but all those little behaviors were how i took back control. i would spite the people around me who policed my body by binging#i would try to control how i felt about myself (and how other people saw me and treated me) by restricting#and when i felt out of control i would take it back and reground by purging#so even now if im stressed out (which i am lately) it feels comforting and grounding to purge#even if im not doing it on purpose#which is....fucked tbh. i guess on just a primal level it makes some sense bc that's how our bodies protect us from things we've ingested#that could potentially harm us. so of course there's some relief around it. but im not eating anything that will hurt me#it's all just shame and terror and feelings i can't express and wanting them OUT#thankfully it's not something ive ever done chronically bc the stigma against EDs in my house growing up was also high#and if i didn't throw up or totally starve myself it was just dieting right? i would only half starve myself#and i would only throw up here and there. as a treat. once or twice isn't an eting disorder surely?#i just really regret how much ''bad'' food i just ate and i want a do over. it's not disordered if it's just this one time#this is a special circumstance and I'm Different#goddddddddddddddd#what's wild too is i can look back on this stuff now and see it for what it was but to most people none of that behavior#would ping as a Real Disorder
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chat is it normal to feel completely desensitized to feeling constantly sick that when you’re actually sick you feel like it’s not enough to warrant it
#due to long covid or possibly weed usage or a mixture honestly still very unsure#i was incredibly nauseous pretty much constantly and would be sick daily for weeks at a time#that lasted like a year i still get flare ups of that if i over exert myself but it’s like basically fine now#but now i have disease that makes me nauseous and throw up and im like. okay 👍#this doesn’t feel like big enough of a problem#like those are my main symptoms but it feels like they’re meaningless bc ive had this just normally before#i haven’t been able to eat or even drink really without feeling or being sick#hoping i wont vomit again tonight almost every time ive eaten since yesterday i have and i had dinner like an hour ago#sorry so fucking tmi i feel really weird talking to anyone about this but i feel like i need to bc ??? fucked up idk#really fucking dehydrated also which is helping me not be sick but i think is giving me more of a headache#i have bad health ocd stuff also so i keep thinking im faking for various reasons anyways#i feel like thinking about this is going to make it reality even though i start thinking about it bc im feeling it#i keep trying to just make myself normal and not experience any of these symptoms bc i feel like i can control it (i cannot)#it’s only with nausea stuff bc it all surrounds emetophobia i know i can’t like stop a sore throat or something but this comes out of me#i could just not#sorry for talking way too in depth about my diseased body and mind#i had a super strong stomach as a kid like went 7 years or something without vomiting and then this shit started idk if the way i do it is#normal??? like this sounds so stupid but i feel like im subconsciously forcing it to happen bc idk how it’s supposed to be and it doesn’t#feel as bad as it should be#i think the fact it’s happening at all is bad but it feels like im being overdramatic#anyways yeah ive been feeling like shit lol i hate this stuff bc while i have the actual physical stuff i also start getting ten billion#mental problems about it as well#emetophobia#vent
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