#lots of things make me nauseous i guess but especially Group Events with People My Age

[petoskeystones]

no i’m literally so happy for you guys. you have your boyfriends and scholarships and awards and jobs and hobbies and friends, and i have these dead sailors

[nerdygaymormon]

I'm... scared... of your blog. It goes against a whole lot of what I was taught to believe and follow growing up. But, at the same time, I've been hurt deeply by that... doctrine... and I've only just begun to see and understand the extent of that damage. So... what if this is what my wounded and weeping soul has been searching for... since I can't pick up any "official text" without having a violent physical reaction that is drowning in pain and fear? 1/?

I can't even get near a chapel or temple without reacting. And I can't bring myself to confide in any of my local bishopric or ward members. As a result, I've been suffering alone. I know I need therapy because this is some deep, messed up shit, but I have not been able to find a compassionate professional and I'm not want to continue the search. I've neither the funds nor the energy. 2/?

I'm 34yo born and raised in the Church. Three years ago I experienced something that made me question heavily whether Gd still loved me because I for sure felt damned. And that event caused the floodgates to open, I suppose. I've not been active for years due to chronic illness and being treated like some sort of sub-human because of my disability. I used to maintain a current temple recommend but not anymore. 3/?

I think I'm asexual. And the more and more I think about this, the more and more it explains some aspects of me that I thought were broken. (No desire to date as a teen, no feelings of sexual attraction to anyone, confusion about terms like "infatuation" and "crush", confused and disgusted by sex and the world's obsession with it.) But, at the same time, the more and more I grew to like this term, the worse my feeling of being Rejected by Gd became. 4/? 

But, even before I adopted the term, I began to feel unwanted and damned because of a history of attempted molestation at 5 years old and being taught that I was 'chewed gum' amongst other doctrines that insisted that my every decision and move was responsible for the sexual purity of the male mind. I felt violated in almost everything that I wore that I felt "pretty" in because I was under the belief I was a walking sin. 5/?

I say I'm scared of your blog... yet I read through several posts last night, body shaking and nauseous with fear and guilt. And here I am, unloading in your askbox because I'm so desperate for someone to talk to who won't judge me like I've been judged all my life. The last time I went to church, I ran out of Sacrament in tears, hyperventilating in my car for several minutes. I have not been back since. 6/?

I want to believe that I'm still loved. I want to believe that I'm still wanted. There is a vicious war going in within me, complicated by chronic and mental illness, that I've lost my sensitivity concerning Gd. I can't tell if or when He's talking to me because the constant anxiety, fear and pain drown out the more 'subtle' emotions. And the maladaptive coping mechanisms I've developed likely don't help either... 7/?

Thank you for listening... if you have anything insightful that you think might help, I'd like to read it. (I hope all these messages stayed anonymous...) 8/8

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Wow, the feels. You said so much. I recognize you’re in a hard place. 

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Don’t worry, you managed to stay anonymous. I know when sending multiple asks it’s to forget to push the anon option.

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Congrats on figuring out you are asexual (ace). 

I think discovering a lack of something is difficult. There’s all these hints along the way but then once you figure it out, it all makes sense, everything fits.  

Don’t be afraid to change your labels. We use words to describe how we understand ourselves. If the way you understand yourself changes, it’s fine to change your labels. 

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Having a chronic illness can be difficult, it can take over a life as you organize things around it. Having a disability also can be challenging, especially if it’s one that is visible to others because they often view you as your disability. 

The thing is, you have a personality that wants to be displayed, I can tell that just from these messages you sent me. As people spend time with you and get to know you, they will start seeing you and not your disability. 

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Things that you described about your feelings and reactions make me believe therapy would help. I’m no mental health professional, but I wonder if you have have the symptoms of PTSD (church caused you trauma) and an anxiety disorder. 

If you have insurance that will cover some sessions, look for a provider that takes your insurance. If you don’t, I know that therapy can be expensive. 

About 2 years ago I needed to see a therapist and I checked at my local university. They had a psychological services clinic where Ph.D. students could gain experience, so the price was reduced, and my therapy was overseen by professors who are up-to-date in their field.  

If you can’t get to therapy now, and if you want to go to church, it helps a lot to have someone you know that can go with you, like a security blanket. It makes it less scary to enter that space. 

If you don’t have someone like that, try contacting the missionaries, explain you haven’t been to church in a while but want to come back. They will be so happy to greet you in the lobby and have you sit with them. And if you want, they will introduce you around to others. 

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Tbh, I was very surprised at how you describe my blog. I didn’t realize someone would view it the way you did. 

It’s true that I think our church is wrong on LGBTQIA+ topics. This is because of a few things:

1) I feel the spirit let me know that God loves me as I am, a gay man, and that I’m not broken. This is how I’m meant to be. 

2) What we learn about our Heavenly Parents and how they love us and are fair and just, and they treat us the same and view humankind as alike. I can’t believe they would set up a whole group of their children to fail and not have a path to return to them.

3) Jesus stood with those who were on the margins, He spent time lifting others and taught us that real religion is helping others, especially those who are downtrodden and on the margins. 

4) The Church doesn’t show LGBTQIA+ people as a part God’s Plan. The Church doesn’t know what to do with us. And it’s not a good space for queer people so most LGBTQIA+ members leave. This is not good fruit and it’s not what I think God would want, for whole groups of people to not feel welcomed.

I don’t reject the principles of the gospel, I want them to apply to all of us, even me, a gay man, and even you, an asexual woman. We are beautiful, we have a purpose, we deserve to be accepted and have joy. 

I guess that is rebellious and dangerous because it challenges the Church’s narrative about people like you and me. 

I let people in church tell me terrible things and for so long I believed them. I don’t anymore. 

Refusing the shame that church gives us as queer people, that’s radical. Church is supposed to help us be better, not wear us down. 

You can love yourself and be happy as ace. This is part of how God made you, you don’t have to deny this is how you experience life. 

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What are your goals? What kind of person do you want to be? What do you want your life to be like? 

My psychologist used to have me write what I would like my life to be like, and then we made goals to start doing those. 

You are capable of change. 

This is your life. 

God has given you talents. We’re not supposed to hide them under a bushel. Work on developing them and developing yourself. 

You are your own longest investment. Investing in yourself is a gift to the world, it’s how we develop ourselves and increases our capacity to help others.

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I hope you feel I understood what you were trying to say to me. 

I also hope I gave you some things to think about, to ponder, and figure out what feels right to you.

[fairycosmos]

do you ever get this nauseous feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach thinking about the future and how alone you are and probably always will be? it’s so bad lately and i can’t make the feeling go away. i tried tinder lol but even there all the conversations feel so empty. i just can’t connect with anyone. i don’t know how other people seem to make friends and lovers so easily. it never happens for me. life could be beautiful if only i had someone to be myself with. it hurts so bad

yes, always, all the time.....i haven't really found a solution unfortunately. 😔 though it is my understanding that our perception of the future is often wildly inaccurate, as it is rooted in what we fear (i.e constant loneliness). since we're afraid of it we're more inclined to believe that it's waiting for us. especially if its been prominent in our lives so far.....really we have no way of knowing. maybe the self hating part of you will insist that you understand what's coming, that not finding connection is likely or even inevitable. but you're biased against yourself so it's not a trustworthy judgement. you know? ive also noticed that my solid sense of self has really disappeared since ive been alone, and so all issues pertaining to me and who i am, kind of slip away.... it's hard when you don't have anyone to remind you you're real. it jolts violently between painful and numbing. it's ok to be sad about it, to cry when you need to, to let it be what it is. you don't have to make the feeling go away, you just have to try not to hold onto it. try not to let it dictate your actions and what you bring into actual reality. you're more than this moment and your current self perception. isolation really does a number on the mind and the emotional landscape, so cut yourself some slack in that regard. honestly...... i think periods of solitude are way more common than people want to admit. i know it seems like everyone's got their group and that you're some sort of outlier, but circumstance dictates so much. we lose touch with others, or we grow beyond the relationship, or we just never get the chance to meet the right people at the right time....it's not a personal failing on your part. it's not because you're undeserving of love and friendship. you have to remember that part and live like you believe it. it's just that substantial bonds are difficult to find as an adult or as you're growing up. your brain will always try to twist this and bully you with it like a petulant child, like a 'haha loser' sort of thing (at least mine does) but that's a very narrow understanding of a much broader issue. i guess it's true that not everyone you meet is supposed to be a life changing figure in your existence as a human. i guess it's true that shallow relationships are unavoidable. but you're allowed to be frustrated and you're allowed to want more for yourself, especially if that eventually spurs you into actively seeking what you crave.....even just keeping the channel open and working on your own self confidence enables you to connect with others in an easier way. anyway here are some small coping mechanisms that have somewhat helped me even if they feel dumb:

1. trying to treating myself like a friend and prioritizing self care. it's too exhausting if you don't.

2. being around animals.

3. writing about how you're feeling, making it tangible. and reading. people in the past felt like this, too.

4. time spent alone is still time spent with the world, you still belong.

5. taking the time to see your situation from multiple points of view.

6. talking to a professional or a family member. even if you don't necessarily want to. maybe they won't get it fully, but just saying it out loud is something.

it's a good sign that you want to put yourself out there to any extent and you should try to keep at it. getting discouraged is natural but it doesn't last. ideas like volunteering, looking into support groups in your area, joining internet communities, even just getting to a public place like a library and being amongst the crowd.....it all adds up and keeps you in the present. finding people w common ground like a hobby is important, too. maybe it seems like a stupid or vague idea but there's always communal activities or events to check out. nerves are just a part of it. seriously, where you're at right now is definitely just a stepping stone in your life, nowhere near the final picture. as you get a job and expand your horizons/find your niche, you're going to engage with loads of experiences n people you can't even conceive of rn. and i totally get why you find it hard to believe. but it's not impossible to think that change is in store at some point, especially when you consider how much it's already occurred in your lifetime, right? i believe in you and im rooting for you to find a sustainable support network, even if it's a process or it takes time. you're not as alone in this as it seems. and it's not your fault no matter what narrative your sadness is telling you. take it one day at a time. and try to focus on what you can actually tend to in this moment. that's what ive been doing. anyway im sending a lot of love to you and please feel free to hmu if you need someone 💌

[caitepowers]

S.C.O.U.T.S.: The Prologue

S.C.O.U.T.S.: Special Citizens Obliged and United To Save began with a group of girls raised in seclusion away from outsiders and the modern world. Only those few people who were trusted to raise them to be the warriors and defenders that they were destined to become were allowed to know about the existence of the 8 girls were masters or either combat or academics and were willing to live a life of seclusion in the mountains and forests of Japan. Not a lifestyle many or racing to take up, but the Priestess raising children found 3 teachers willing to live on the hidden compound with them, and together the 5 preistesses and the 3 teachers raised the 8 children to become lethal in Combat and have genius intelligence. Each girl had their own power and personality and was trained to be able to expertly hone their own skill.

Between their uniform levels of combat and academic intelligence partnered with their own unique abilities, it is no surprise that competition between them began to grow, for years the girls would get in trouble for using their powers against each other, they were raised to be sisters yet treated very differently which caused a lot of tension. The preistesses and the teachers gave up one night and kicked the girls out of the compound, none of the girls stuck together until someone screamed. The scream was deafening and in these parts of of the forest belonged to no stragglers. Every girl thought that itwould have been one of the other girls. Scared and alone going further from the compound seemed like a mistake but going back at the moment also seemed dangerous. Each using their own abilities to protect themselves and find others the girls slowly began to pair and group up. All 8 girls eventually found each other and tried to account for the scream, they all claimed that they didn’t scream. After about a minute of looking around for potential threats and possible plans of action all the girls began running back to the compound. The closer they got, the louder crying noise they heard. When they get to the opening before the compound they see the Gate is opened, which means that it was never closed behind them, beyond the opening was a preistess on the ground and a pool of blood and other preistesses fretting around her. She was dead, murdered and the compound was no longer secure, was no longer home. Someone knew they were there, what they were, how to kill them, and how to leave without being seen. So girls began to lean into their training and began their real world excersises it wasn’t long before they were global news assisting in global issues outside of Japan. Some say they came from the pits of hell, some say they came from the heavens, those who say otherwise frankly don’t have much of an imagination.

The real truth is that 8 girls raised in solitude, descended from long forgotten Galactical folklore of Gods, Godesses and Warriors becomes heroes for the planet they called home using the powers given to them from beyond. They saved the world. This is the thing about war it’s never really over and with a crew of only 8 against an entire universe or bad and evil, victory is a fairytale. Peace does not exist.

They are dead, all of them are dead. I was there, I witnessed it and I still cannot believe it. I am not sure if I ever will be able to bring myself to begin to understand what happened.

“We are ready for you now miss,” the guard says bringing me back to reality and out of the past.

He guides me into the room where all the leaders of the United Nations are sitting staring at me as I approach the podium in the center of the floor. The room is big, but not as big as you would think. Every time is was here before, there were about 50 cameras and 100 microphones around the podium and room recording everything that is said. But this is not a normal situation. Nothing about today is protocol. Instead of formal requests and events planned, and UN represntatives in place taking notes and translating the meeting while it is also being recorded, this meeting was not preplanned in fact as far as I know it was planned about 10 minutes ago when I was yanked off of the sidewalk here in New York. That is when I met this guard who walked me in after asking me to wait in the lobby. I didn’t wait long, I wouldn’t have waited at all but when he eberered the room two more guards flanked me and blocked the door. I was meant to stay. And as stated earlier, actual world leaders are here and not their chosen cabinet members. Before approaching the podium I stop about halfway taking in the room and fully noticing the differences. Once I get there I make eye contact with the current leader of the United Nations and the President of the United States of America. They make eye contact with me. The Leader of the UN speaks to me first.

“Identify yourself” he says. His tone was calm the only normal part about whatever was happening.

“My name is Harper” I say say nervously.

“Full name please” same tone.

“My name is Harper Leilani Stone” I say plainly, shaking the nervous tone.

“Please read what is on the podium out loud for the room to hear Ms. Stone” the President of the United States says.

Having a huge insecurity about reading outloyd in public I try and skim the pages before I begin to read aloud, but my eyes can’t leave the top of the page, and the words cannot come out.

“Is there a problem Ms. Stone?” The President asks me.

“No” I say but that isn’t meant to be the answer to his question but a response to the document before me.

“So start from the top for us Ms. Stone.” He says his patience is beginning to dwindle.

“No, no,no, no,no,no,no,no,no” I said shaking my head as I step from behind the podium nauseous at the idea that these crazy politicians are planning something like this.

“Excuse me?” He says, his patience has left the building at this point. That is why I didn’t vote for him. Ya know I always had that vibe that he was not as mild mannered as he ran out. Wasn’t the only reason but just a reason.

“Are you insane?” I say as I look at him. I look away from him and face the other leaders in the room, “Are you all insane?Do you not remember what happened the last time?”

They all look away from me like I am the crazy one.

“You are the only one who could do this, we need you to be on board” the leader of the UN says.

“Then I guess it isn’t happening” I say curtly.

“S.C.O.U.T.S.” He says, “Do you remember what that means?”

“You cannot be serious? How can all of you well educated democratic leaders think let alone fully support this idea this trash?” I go back to the podium and grab the paper and hold it up in the air. “Have you all forgotten?”

“Have you, Ms. Stone?” Says the President. “You were asked a question please answer it.”

“S.C.O.U.T.S., never heard of her” I say throwing the document in the table in front of the the In leader and the President as well as a few other leaders sitting with them.

“Mia Young, Shadow Park, Carmen Santiago, Tiffany Ellis, Heather Dudnst, Prim Hashimoto, and Jazmine Chatterjee” someone yells from down the table. It’s the Queen of England Next to her Prime Minister, I guess they both got invited. “7 of the 8 original scouts who stood with the message and principals to defend the world against evil. No one has forgotten the tragedy that happened, no has forgotten the tragedies that happened before or after it either. But evil has not rested with them being gone. We need help.” She said he tone less harsh toward the end then it was in the beginning. I make eye contact with her and walk down toward her seat and stand in front of her.

This was always the plan, not a plan I made or had any part in making, but a plan none the less. And not following through with it would be a disservice to the ones lost. I look down at the table and see the words on the paper upside down. A part of me was hoping that I would never have to do this, like something would change so I couldn’t or didn’t need to do participate or keep up my end of a bargain. But that isn’t the case and my word must be kept especially in this thing called private politics.

“Secret Citizens Obliged and Unite To Save” I say back to the men who has asked me my questions earlier. “I have never and will never forget the meaning nor will I ever retract from duty.” I say centering myself back at the podium. I am looking at the room one last time before focusing back on the President and UN Leader.

“It is with Great Honor Ms. Stone, that we have this ability to reactivate the Scout project. And we have decided that now is the best time to do that. As you are the sole survivor of the original scouts you will recruit and train the next group of scouts and prepare them for what is ahead of them. You will have two years.”

“Sir with all due respect the first group was given 18 years of trialing and they still lost.” I say offended by the time limit, no way was that a realistic expectation.

“As the sole survivor frontbe original 8 you know first hand what will work for trainings and what won’t, use that to your advantage to speed up the process.” He says, clearly he no idea what it really takes to do what he is asking.

“With all do respect it can’t be done” I say, “I am on my own and I won’t have any resources available to me how do you expect me to do this?”

“That is where we come in” he says confidently. “You and the scouts you recruit will have access to all resources and locations needed to train, survive, develop, learn, play whatever. If we have it” He says featuring towards everyone in the room, “you have it.”

“Will you try?” Asks the Queen.

“Yes” I say hesitantly. By the time I am leaving the building with a fancy top secret passport and some secret stash weapons and money, I am already developing plans A-K on how I could possible do this all in two years... hopefully o succeed and if I don’t, hopefully no one else dies in the process.

[bendixreblogs]

A little trip down memory lane about my comic and what I’ve been through in the process of making it. 

Mentions of suicide, death-threats, grooming, PTSD. 

I'm so glad that I'm finally having so much fun making my comic. Every time I open my comic files, I'm just so full of joy and energy and I enjoy writing and exploring the world and my characters.

For so many years the experience of looking at my characters and trying to delve into the story, was poisoned by past experiences by people I shared it with. At the time, it seemed like the only way I *could* share it, and I’m glad I’m almost able to separate those experiences now.

SO, I have PTSD and sometimes I’m pushed back into old memories and my characters have been such a huge part of those exact memories, that they sort of go hand in hand, and sometimes it’s nice to just get those thoughts out of my head because they take up a lot of space. 

These characters have been through so much with me and I’m just glad I didn’t abandon them despite of it. I created them when I was 12 and I had a couple of friends and classmates who was into manga like me, who was into my story and encouraged me to keep working on it! 

I then got a friend who was two grades above me, I was 14/15 and they were so into the story that I was just overjoyed to share it with them, especially because they could draw and she started drawing my characters. At the time I had just moved school because I was severely bullied at my old one, and making friends was still very new to me so I latched unto her. In the end she wasn’t a very good friend and would threaten to kill herself and me if I didn’t hang out with her, she faked to faint whenever I was talking to someone else but her, so I had to take care of her, and on my 16th birthday, she faked to faint again and woke up as my character, Kain. She pretended for the entire day that she was Kain, I was so worried and horrified and fearful that it was real and that she would faint again, that I didn’t dare to leave her side and talk to my other friends (just as she wanted) and I couldn’t eat for the next two days, because she kept the act going for two days straight. She pretended to also wake up as the villain of the story which was Satan (I was 12 when I came up with this story, sssh) and threatened to kill me again if I tried to stop her or tell anyone that this was happening. 

She did a bunch of other stuff besides this and I ended up breaking contact with her completely a year or so after because my parents had continuously urged me to stop talking to her. In the end one of my very good friends told me that they couldn’t handle looking at me anymore because I was a wreck because of her. I had to tell her that I would call the police if she got near me, for her to stop talking to me. 

I very rarely drew my characters after that and ended up joining an rp group on deviantart for the first time when I was 17/18, and was instantly pulled into it - the cool people in the group were about 20+ and I wanted so bad to impress them and fit in, but I wasn’t nearly as out there as everyone else was when it came to rp’ing smut. I was honestly repulsed by it, and I tried to laugh it off when people tried to force my character together with someone else in the group, and I ended up going along with it because I didn’t dare to say no. At one point in a Skype group chat, two of the people in the chat had rp’d very hardcore porn that I woke up to reading mid-way and they told me that they did it on purpose, to shock me, and I knew then that if I wanted to fit in, this is what I had to do. I had to write about the same things as them, or not be a part of the group. I tried initiating it when I could because I genuinely thought I had to and I kept pushing my own boundaries. During this time, I was also rp’ing with my rl friends from cosplay groups, with my OC’s from my story. At the time I had given up on ever turning it into a comic, but I still wanted to do something with the characters, so I tried rp’ing with them and ofc, with loads of shipping, because that had become the norm. Especially in the cosplay community were everyone was yelling “YAOI” “RAPE” and “GLOMP” at everyone and *everything*. I was once tackled at a convention where someone yelled ‘rape’ at me and tried to pull my clothes off because I was one of their favourite characters and I had no idea how to get them off until they eventually ran off on their own, and no one did anything because everyone thought it was the norm and so I didn’t say anything and slotted that into the “I guess this is normal” box, along with everything else. 

Eventually, in the rp group, everyone began to call me a whore behind my back, which I found out because one of my friends in the group actually came to tell me about it and I felt disgusting, dirty and shameful, like I had misunderstood something or I was genuinely just a gross person through and through. I still have a lot of fond memories from those groups, and I don’t think anyone pushed me into smut-writing deliberately or with ill intent, it felt like everyone were sort of playing along with the same “this is the norm” idea. Especially the events that were hosted were super fun, so it thankfully it wasn’t all bad and I still chat to some of the people from those groups. 

I quit the rp groups all at once and instead just rp’d with a single friend at the time, both our own characters and established franchises. At the time, there was an incredibly popular artist on dA, who happened to be danish and who was attending a danish convention for the first time. Another friend of mine, who was a huge fan of her, invited her to her sweet 16 and she said yes to come along. This artist was around 27 at the time. I was at the party too, turning 18 that year, and she commented on how special and pretty my face was and that she found it so unique she had to walk around me to see it from all angles. We became friends and I suggested we do an art-collab. I drew my character Kain hugging someone because I thought hey, that’s kinda cute and I had hoped she would draw someone else hugging him back. She drew her paedophilic priest hugging him back, licking his lips and ready to rape him. 

I didn’t dare to say anything despite how uncomfortable it made me, and it was another instance of - well shit, this is just how it is apparently - and I went along with it. She told me stuff like we were fated to meet and that we both had to meet five people in every lifetime we ever live, and once we’ve met those five people, we would both die. I had apparently met about three of them, so guess how terrified I was to meet the remaining two. I felt like I depended on her and that we were connected because of the things she said, and my mental health derailed completely. We also mashed our characters together, and I offered to bend and twist my characters until they fit the likes and dislikes of hers because at this point, it meant so much to me what she thought of me and my art that I didn’t care about anything else. 

She encouraged her followers to write smutty fanfics about *us* together, which I for once told her I didn’t like, but she laughed it off and kept encouraging them. 

I lost my irl friend during this as well because I was convinced to stop writing to her, because this artist always showed interest in me and always wrote to me every single day, but my other friend didn’t, and so this friend had to “prove” herself to care - “if I stopped writing to her, would she write back?” she asked. She never did and we lost contact completely, and looking back I don’t blame her for that with everything that was going on and how affected I was by this person. 

I ended up cutting contact with this artist from one day to the next because I ended up feeling sick near her. I felt nauseous, scared, sick, clammy and uncomfortable and I blocked her from everything. We met briefly at a convention some time after and we exchanged a couple of dm’s on deviantart to try and reconcile where I was honest and told her I couldn’t stand being near her, I wasn’t sure why (at the time), but I just had to get away. 

She told me the same, that I disgusted her and she couldn’t handle being near me either and she thought I should know that everyone in the cosplay community were spreading rumours like;  “she’s the type of person who makes people fall in love with her, and then break their hearts”. 

These experiences in particular completely soiled my relationsship to my characters. It took me a while to break away from them and sometimes, because the memories are still right there in my mind and jump out at me from time to time, I feel like they’re going to physically come back to haunt me and ruin it for everyone else as well. Because of all of this, I wasn’t able to trust that I could ever make it into a story or deserved to, like I wasn’t worthy to tell it because I felt just as used and broken and bended and twisted away from my original person as my characters. I had forced myself into fitting in with people and scenarios I wasn’t supposed to fit in with, I forced my characters into that as well, and it still takes so much mental power to tell myself that I’m not a broken person and my characters are not apart of those people anymore and neither am I. 

I’m so glad I have my friends like Anja, who was there when I first created the story and she was the first to encourage me to keep working on it and she always knew the heart of it and was ready to remind me, because sometimes I’m still pushed back into old memories, I forget the heart of my story and myself and I just feel shame. 

[themarginalartist]

Listening, Respect, and Conversations

So I know I added my two cents to the post with the TED Talk from @mythmica, but I wanted to delve a little deeper into the subject.

A little background on me first though; I am currently in college, I have a first degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do which I earned at the end of my freshman year in high school, and have been in numerous leadership programs and in leadership roles. Of these programs one was within my dojo where at the time I did not recognize the entire value of what I was doing. Later on in high school I was a member of the National Honors Society, a member of Key Club, and during my final year the President of the Writing Club at my school. (Side note: I didn’t think I was all that great at writing at the time, but the idea from the prompt game actually came from running the Writing Club.)

When I entered college I was invited to join a budding first year leadership program that was being offered, I accepted and have since continued to the final leadership program that they offer. I also was the Treasurer of the Linux user’s group my second year, and the next year became the Vice President. That same year I was VP I also became the treasurer for my residence hall’s hall government and was an RTA, residential technology assistant which is like an RA or residence advisor except that we focus on helping students with their technology both for personal use and school, and I have returned to being an RTA this year. I also for the last three years have held a summer job as a museum tour guide and an on campus job at our campus Apple Store.

Long story short I have spent a long time doing this kind of thing. But what does this all have to do with listening, respect, and conversations? A lot to be quite honest.

Starting with listening. Listening is fundamental to everything you are ever going to do in life. If you can’t listen you aren’t going to hold a job for very long, you won’t have good relationships with family and friends, and you won’t have good relationships with your significant other. Listening is the basis of all interactions. Not talking, obviously if you are listening to someone else then they are talking of course, but for your sake right now we are talking about listening.

So what exactly is listening?

Listening is actively engaging with the other person. Taking what they say to you and internalizing it. Your goal as the listener is to be open and willing to be there, you should have eye contact with the other person, be aware of both your and the other person’s body language, and to not enter in until the other person is done speaking. And it is not an easy task.

When listening make sure that your mind is not wandering to what you would like to add in next, what you are going to have for dinner, or other fears and worries that you have. You should be focused on what they are saying to you.

For example: One of Apple’s training modules requires understanding of what a customer is seeking when purchasing new technology. In order to do this you have to approach the customer, begin a conversation with them and ask them what they are looking for. Say Customer X is looking for a new computer. One of the main questions I ask in the beginning is what Major that person is in, partially due to the store being a campus store. If they answer one way I begin by showing lower end computers at first, but also ask them what hobbies they have. I have to take all of what they answer those questions with and find a computer that would best suite their needs.

But let’s jump out of listening for a second and talk about respect.

Respect means many things to many people, but in this case I am referring to the basic respect that all people are owed. No matter who you are you deserve respect and just as you do you need to show other’s that. Respect is about giving people the space to speak and be open to others.

In regards to the main topic here, respect in this case is allowing people to be open with their ideas. You don’t send anonymous or even direct messages of hatred. You don’t shut other people down. You give people longer than a few minutes to talk to you. And you do not react with emotions.

I have seen numerous interactions online where the person responding views a message in a certain light and responds with their emotions immediately. Emotions are one hundred percent normal, everyone has them, everyone feels them, but it is what you do with them that is key.

One situation I faced in real life as the President of the Writing Club was that we were trying to plan a small fundraiser event. The basic idea was that there were movies and snacks and such. I had spent some time creating a quick basic outline for what the morning advertisement should say, only to find that the club secretary had gone ahead and sent in an advertisement which I had not approved and had found many issues with. I of course was rather angered by this. However I calmed down and thought it through, so that when I approached them I could state my reasoning behind why I was upset with them in regards to that and how we could move ahead in the future.

The main point from that scenario that I would like to state here is that, yes you are going to be angry and upset by other’s actions or words at some point. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t treat them any differently than if you weren’t upset by them. You need to be aware that your reactions do have a huge affect on how others will view you in the future. It may be the difference between getting that promotion at your place of work or continuing forward in a relationship.

And finally let’s blend both listening and respect into the final topic, conversations.

So what is a conversation? One version is when you are talking with someone face to face, another is on the phone, another is via email, then there are here on tumblr asks, and finally direct messaging (this encompasses direct messages via tumblr, other chat services, and texting).

Let’s start with the traditional idea of a conversation being that you are talking with someone face to face. In this case both of you have sat down somewhere and are discussing something. In a respectful conversation, both people have their phones put away, they are making eye contact, they are listening to what each person has to say and how they say it before jumping in and discussing what they want to say which still follows the current topic flow of the conversation. Most of the time I don’t see that from others, of course I am not a perfect example all the time either, but it is very common that the other person is multitasking in some aspect.

So what about online? An online conversation is still a conversation. But it is also difficult sometimes, you can’t hear the other person’s tone, you can’t see their face, you can’t watch their body language. It is a very difficult thing to fully get a grasp on. The biggest thing to remember in the online world is to read carefully, a lot of times understanding the way someone writes really helps in guessing at how they will interact with you.

But online conversations, especially with someone new are incredibly difficult to start, not just because of your nerves or fears for talking to them, but also how you start those conversations. Too many times I’ve seen an ask that someone answers harshly or a person attempting to use direct messages to engage the other user. I also have seen a lot of pretending to be something you aren’t, either by stating some sort of lie, or just how someone messages. There is a difference between confidence and the fake it until you make it mentality and being false with who you are as a person.

Confidence is not fake. Can you fake it, yes easily. But it can be off putting for the person on the other side of the screen if done wrong. Saying that you are a bit nervous is fine, asking a question or making a comment is fine, but as soon as you dip into the realm of being ‘buddy-buddy’ you are just going to drive people away. You have to remember that everyone on the internet is a stranger. You are talking to an individual that you have never met in real life, that you don’t know very much about, and that has different levels of comfort than you.

I have had a number of messages where I was quite shocked that a person would be that comfortable with how they spoke to me, especially when I have absolutely no idea who they are! I am also always off put by someone using terms of endearment when I have no relationship with them (these are terms like sweetie, darling, honey, sugar), and while I do recognize that that is just how some people speak and that I even do that myself, it is something that you should reserve for those you have made a connection with.

On that same hand of overfamiliarity, and the TED Talk mentions this as one of the points. Don’t ever share your darkest secrets. One of the most off putting things is when people come and just, start talking about how their family member passed away, how their school work is the hardest most terrible thing, how they had a terrible day at work and everything, with no warning just smack dab in the middle of you going about your day. Medical conditions fall under this category as well, which I’m just going to throw in, if you were eating lunch and someone started to talk about the nitty gritty details of their last surgery and such you’d most likely feel nauseous right? Yeah, don’t share the details, state the general, like oh I just got my wisdom teeth removed is fine but telling us about how much blood there was is not.

Your personal issues should remain private until both parties have built up that comfort level with each other, and even then they probably should not be shared heavily. And that comfort level takes a very, very, very long time to build up, you can’t just message someone once and expect friendship. You can’t say that oh we like the same things we are now best friends. You can’t expect that the other person feels the same way about you that you do about them.

My final example of things that happened in my real life that I’ll share was my freshman year I had a roommate. At first things were fine, we hung out during the move in week, went to see movies and do other activities on campus and stuff, everything was going smoothly. Then the school year began. We were in entirely different majors, I can’t recall what hers was, and were entirely opposite personalities. We fought a lot. Almost every week there would be some sort of argument. We didn’t meet with the Residence Hall Director until half way through the second semester, and even then it was only because the people that shared our suite told the RA which went to the RED that we were having these issues. Truthfully we were both at fault, I was just as stubborn as she was, and as we were talking with the RED it came out that she expected that we would become best friends, because that is what happens in the movies right, you become besties with your roommate and call them up and talk all the time. But the main reason we kept arguing is because we wouldn’t talk to each other. I attempted multiple times, told her to write her thoughts if she couldn’t say them to me and so on. But I was also at fault, I didn’t want to listen to her at the time because of everything. In the end we were separated, a few other issues came up for me later, but I won’t say anymore on it.

It is so incredibly important to talk to people, to listen to them, to show them respect. Both in the real world and online. It is such an incredibly important and necessary skill. You have to be able to do it in order to get anywhere that you want to go in life.

Thank you for spending the time reading this. I know that this was a ridiculously large thing to get through. But thank you.

[duhragonball]

[FIC] Luffa: The Legendary Super Saiyan (72/?)

French Disclaimer: This story features characters and concepts based on Dragon Ball, which is a trademark of Bird Studio/Shueisha and Toei Animation.   This is an unauthorized work, and no profit is being made on this work by me. This story is copyright of me. Download if you like, but please don’t archive it without my permission. Don’t be shy.

Toothy Continuity Note: About 1000 years before the events of Dragon Ball Z.

Previous chapters conveniently available here.

[19 February 234 Before Age.  Toth-Thoth]

Detective Bret ducked under the brightly colored ribbon that cordoned off the crime scene and found a group of lawmen huddled together.  He headed straight for them and introduced himself.

"Glad to have you on this case, Bret," said Captain Neier.  "I usually hate it when they call in people from other precincts, but this time we could use all the help we can get."

Bret nodded. "May I look at the body?" he asked, pointing down at the tarp lying at their feet.

"Sure," Neier said.  He titled his head and glanced over his shoulder.  "Over this way."

Bret looked past him, and spotted a covered body lying on the ground.  "I don’t understand," he said, pointing to the tarp they were standing around.  "If that’s the body, what’s this?"

Neier sighed.  "I’d better show you the victim first."

Bret shrugged and followed him to the other tarp, which Neier pulled back to reveal the corpse of a humanoid male, six feet in height, lying face down in the alleyway.  He couldn’t tell much from the first look.

"No signs of a struggle," he said. "No obvious wounds.  Can’t say I’m surprised.  This guy looks like he could handle himself in a fight."  He sat on his haunches to take a closer look, and noticed a rip just below the belt-line of his trousers.  "Is that...?"

"A hole for his tail," Neier said. "He’s a Saiyan."

Bret looked up at him in amazement.  "Who could have done this to a Saiyan?"

"That’s what I’d like to know," Neier said.  "Between you and me, this is one perp I’d rather not find.  With any luck, the killer’s already left the planet, but it’s not like anyone here would have been a threat to him, you know?"

Bret shuddered at the thought.  He removed a pen from his jacket and carefully manipulated the fabric around the tail-hole to get a better look.  "So where’s his tail?" he asked.  "Some Saiyans cut them off or lose them in battle, but this must have happened recently, or he wouldn’t need to rip a hole in his pants."

"And that’s why we called you in," Neier said.  He waved for Bret to follow him back to the first tarp, and nodded for one of the other police officers to remove it.

It was a pile of Saiyan tails.  Bret took an involuntary step backward as he realized what he was seeing.  Something about the sight of all those furry appendages lying together made him nauseous, even before the smell wafted up to his nose.

"We’re assuming one of them is his," Neier said, "but we’ll need to run DNA tests to be sure.  Best guess for now is that this collection goes back about two months."

"There must be..." Bret stopped to wait for his stomach to settle down.  "Must be twenty of them there."

"I counted twenty-four," Neier said.

"But there haven’t been that many Saiyans on Toth-Thoth in the past two *years*," Bret said.   "I don't think there's two dozen Saiyans in the whole sector."

"Like I said, whoever did this may already be long gone," Neier said.  "I don’t know why he left behind his collection of trophies, but I doubt he’s finished hunting.  He’s out there somewhere, waiting to kill again."

*******

[26 February 234 Before Age.   Nat-Chezz II.]

Inspired by Luffa's exploits, Zaperc had tried to follow in her footsteps, but the path was even more difficult than he had expected.   Most of the galaxy only knew Luffa by reputation and rumor, and even the planets she had fought for had only a vague idea of who she was and how she operated.   In desperation, Zaperc had turned to an unauthorized biography-cum-self-help book entitled "The Luffa Way".   He then assembled a band of followers and led them here, to Nat-Chezz II, where he planned to protect it from invaders, just as Luffa had done for other planets.   It was going well, right until the real Luffa showed up and turned his entire movement upside down.  

Meeting her was an honor, though she was very different from what Zaperc had envisioned.  For one thing, Luffa was a woman, and she acted very much like most off the typical Saiyans he had known throughout his life.  At the same time, she had an idealistic streak that put his own lofty dreams to shame.  

Zaperc longed to achieve greater glory, if not for himself, then for his son, and for the Saiyan race as a whole.    Luffa, however, seemed to have an almost apocalyptic worldview at times.  She never quite came out and said so, but she seemed almost disappointed that she wasn't constantly fighting a desperate battle to the death.  All Saiyans loved to fight, but there was something different about her, something that ran deeper than the golden transformation she used to manifest her immense power.  

He wondered if Luffa had been changed by her evolution, or if she had been that way from the start.   As he and his followers sat in a half-circle to learn at her feet, he hoped that the answers would come forth through her lessons.   Thus far, however, all he had learned was that she was a very unorthodox teacher, and she didn't seem to care if it made her students impatient.  

Standing before them, Luffa balanced herself on the toes of  her right foot.   She then crossed her left leg over her right thigh, bending her knee such that her left foot was pointing toward the sky.    

“I know this seems a little weird,” she said, “but it’s a pretty effective technique, especially when you’re surrounded by multiple enemies.   Now, you’ll want to put your left arm up like this, elbow straight, with the wrist bent so your hand is over your head, palm down.   Then you put your right arm up like this, parallel to your shoulders.  Bend the elbow and bring your right hand palm up in front of your chest.    It’s like you’re using your hands to sort of frame your face.   The pose is critical to the technique, so if you get it wrong you could be wide open to an attack.  Any questions so far?”

Brockle raised his hand.   Zaperc smiled with pride.   While he was grateful for all his followers, he hoped that his son would benefit from these lessons most of all.   Brockle was extremely talented for his age, and with the right guidance, Zaperc was sure he could become a warrior on Luffa's level.  He lacked patience, true, but at least he was asking questions about Luffa's skills instead of resenting her for them.  

“Go ahead Brockle,” Luffa said.  

“Why the hell are we doing this?”  Brockle asked.  

Zaperc sighed and closed his eyes.   Brockle still had a long way to go.

“Because the Shiei Fist is a brilliant technique,” Luffa replied.   “I picked it up while fighting a horde of shadow warriors on Planet Zansu.   The Zansans who developed it couldn’t do a whole lot with it, but in the hands of a Saiyan, the explosive wave is--”

“This is stupid!” Brockle growled.   “You said you would teach us something useful, and you’re showing off alien dance moves.”

Luffa dropped the pose and approached Brockle.  “Is that so?” she said.    “Well maybe you’d like to teach me something.”

Brockle sniffed with contempt.  “What’s the use?” he asked.  “You’re so strong, you can afford to use whatever sloppy techniques you please.”

“Oh, is that my problem?” Luffa said.    “You admit that I’m stronger than you, so you want to salve your ego by pretending you have more finesse.    Well I’ll tell you what, Brockle.   Why don’t you show me your finishing technique, your ultimate move, and I’ll evaluate it for you.”

“You’re on,” Brockle said.   “It’ll be worth it to put you in your place for once, woman.”  

In spite of the hostility between Luffa and Brockle, Zaperc was hopeful.   As much as he wanted Brockle to respect Luffa, he also longed for Luffa to recognize Brockle's potential, to see Brockle the way Zaperc did.  Perhaps this demonstration would show her that Brockle was worthy of her respect.    

Luffa waved for Brockle to begin, and he gathered his ki, powering up to his maximum strength.   Luffa watched him and crossed her arms, apparently fascinated to see what he would do.  

He held his hands in front of his face and made the tips of his index fingers glow crimson.    Then he began to wave his fingers in an intricate pattern, weaving a complex image of red light that trailed his hands as they moved.   In a matter of seconds, he had created a globe of criss-crossed energy tendrils, and he smiled arrogantly as it floated above his outstretched palm.    

“The Devil Mesh!” Brockle announced.   “I can make it change direction, but it can also alter its shape in mid-flight.  It can tangle enemies like a net, or impale them like a spear!”

Zaperc beamed with pride.   The Devil Mesh was based upon simpler techniques Zaperc had used for decades.   Brockle had managed to refine them into something far greater, and he seemed to complete the execution of the technique a little faster each time he tried it.  

Luffa rubbed her chin thoughtfully as she considered what he had made.    “Interesting,” she said.   “It’s a little too clever by half, but I like the versatility.”

“It’s only ‘too clever’ because you’re too stupid to do it yourself!” Brockle snarled. 

“Well, I’ll give it a try,” Luffa said.  

To Zaperc's surprise, she didn’t bother building up her ki.   Instead she simply made all ten of her fingertips glow, and she waved them around with an intense speed, completing a globe like Brockle’s in a fraction of the time.  

“That... you can’t...” Brockle gasped.  

“I just did,” Luffa said.   “It’s a little tricky, but kind of fun to play with.    It’d make a good training exercise for a kid.   And it’d be a good lesson on spotting weaknesses in techniques.”

“Fool!” Brockle growled.   “There is no weakness to the Devil Mesh!”  

Luffa pointed her finger at Brockle and fired a thin beam of light at the crimson sphere floating over his hand.    

It exploded in his face.    

“It’s so complex that it's unstable,” Luffa said.   She waited for him to finish coughing before she continued her explanation.   “If you actually made one of those in the middle of a fight, your enemy could easily sabotage it before you’d ever get a chance to use it.   It wouldn’t even take much power to pull that off.   Even a weakened or dying opponent could still have enough energy to take you down with him.”

Zaperc was stunned, almost as if the Devil Mesh had exploded in his own face.  Only a moment ago, he thought of it as his son's greatest achievement, and Luffa had deconstructed it with ease.  She didn't even need her Super Saiyan form to do it.   He knew she was powerful, and he had long assumed she was brilliant, but this was beyond anything he could have imagined!

She quickly dismantled her own Devil Mesh  before any of her students got any bright ideas.    “Now, maybe we can get back to the Shiei Fist?”

Brockle gnashed his teeth as he sat back down.  Zaperc wished he could offer him some sort of encouragement, but it was better to let things take their course.   Luffa's training was a bitter pill to swallow, but she *was* the Super Saiyan.   If she couldn't show Brockle the way to the next level, then no one could.

*******

Deep in the dense, treacherous jungle the Saiyan had been using for training, Zatte was helping Jikama to his feet.  

"How long was I out?" he asked as he rubbed his forehead.  

"About an hour," Zatte said.  

"You've been waiting here for me to wake up this whole time?" Jikama asked.   He rose to his full height, and while he wasn't quite as tall as some of his comrades, he was still massive enough for Zatte to fit entirely in his shadow.

"Normally, I wouldn't stick around," Zatte said with a shrug.  "But you're not nearly as sore a loser as the others.   Especially Hijik.  I took him down about six hundred yards that way.  Went back and shot him again twenty minutes ago, just to prove a point."

She patted the large pistol holstered on her hip as she said this.  

"It's because I'm only half-Saiyan," Jikama said.  "I find I'm not nearly as hot-headed as the rest of them."

"I don't care if you're half, full, or double-Saiyan," Zatte said.  "Hijik's a dick, and being a dick for no good reason is a good way to get yourself killed.  Anyway, my wife's as pure-blooded as he is, and she still knows how to show a little respect."

Jikama chuckled.   "Not to me, she doesn't," he said.  

Zatte made a concerned frown as she looked up at him.   "Something bothering you, Jikama?" she asked.  "I know Luffa's rough on you guys, but it's for your own good, trust me."

He shook his head and smiled.   "It's nothing I'm not used to," he said.   "Saiyans look down on half-breeds like me.  Oh, the others are accepting enough, but only up to a point.  Aliens like you are on thing, but a half-Chezzi like me will always be one foot in, one foot out."

Zatte nodded.  "But you did really well today.   That's why I hung around, to congratulate you.  You tracked me down to within fifty feet.   I don't know how you kept picking up my trail, but I'm impressed."

"I knew I couldn't rely on smell or sound," Jikama said, "and your power lets you hide your ki, so I decided to try focusing on the ki of our surroundings instead."  He waved his thick arm at the jungle canopy over their heads.  "I figured your powers would slightly affect my perception of the life energy from the trees and grass as you came into contact with them, and it worked, but the difference was too slight to get a fix on your location."

"Nice," Zatte said.  "You'll have to hone your senses until you can get a fix.  And I'll have to work on covering my tracks a little better.   You're resourceful, Jikama.   That's the high praise where I come from, and if Luffa doesn't appreciate that, she'll get an earful from me."

"That's kind of you to say," Jikama said anxiously, "but I wouldn't want to cause any arguments between the two of you."

"Trust me, one more won't hurt," Zatte said.  "Maybe the other Saiyans won't respect you, but I expect better from Luffa."

"To be fair," Jikama said, "I will say that I find her a refreshing change from most Saiyans I've met."

"What do you mean?" Zatte asked.  

Jikama shrugged.  "She looks down on me, sure," he said, "but she seems almost more disappointed with the purebreds."

*******

[28 February 234 Before Age.  Bigreen.]

Chirad was a librarian and aspiring historian, but after he helped Luffa save Planet Bigreen from the evil Hamey, he had been hailed as a great hero.  He was only one-quarter Saiyan, and his power was only a meager fraction of Luffa’s might, but the Bigreenese still adored him as their local champion, and revered him as an expert on Saiyans.

While he appreciated their esteem, he knew he didn’t deserve it.  Luffa and her friends had done most of the work in liberating Bigreen, but they had gone and he had stayed, and so his role in the adventure had been amplified in the public opinion.  All that really mattered to him was that it got the girl from the Special Collections desk to finally notice him.

"Now just wait here, Emeral, I’ll speak with the Director and it should only take a minute and then when I get done heh-heh.  We’ll go see a movie!  How’s that?"

She lolled her head to one side and made a high-pitched giggle, which Chirad took as a sign of approval.  Just as he was about to enter the Security Director’s office, the door opened, and someone stepped out to greet him.

"Ah, you must be Chirad," he said cordially.  "Yes, of course you are I’d recognize that wild mane of black hair anywhere.  Very rugged, it suits a man like you, a descendant of the Space Warriors, mmm yes indeed won’t you come inside?"

Chirad was surprised.  "Uhhhhh... Director Pine I was just about to go into your office wow how about that, weird."

Pine led him inside and offered him a seat across from his desk.  "I’m afraid the situation is very serious, Chirad, though I wish it wasn’t ohhhhh, I certainly hope you can help us errr... please have a seat, oh, well you already have heh heh heh.  Very convenient.  I don't mind at all!"

Chirad only knew that a Saiyan had arrived on Bigreen recently.  This was not unusual in itself, as Bigreen was on very friendly terms with Saiyans from all walks of life.  But Chirad knew that something must have gone wrong, or they wouldn’t have asked for him to get involved.

"Director," he said, "if you need someone beaten up, well, I’ll help my planet any way that I can but I’m not that strong.  I mean I’m stronger than most people but when it comes to Space Warriors... uhhhh?"

"Ah, you’re too modest, Chirad," the Director said.  "But I only wish it were that simple.  Yes a powerful menace that even you couldn’t defeat what a treat that would be compared to this!  Even if you failed to save us we could always contact your friend Ruhffer to come and save us.   Yes, I doubt that any normal enemy could stand against a Space Super Warrior like her but our problem is very different look at this."

He tossed an envelope onto his desk and slid it over to where Chirad could reach it.  Chirad opened it to find several crime scene photographs of a dead woman clad in traditional Saiyan attire.  There was no sign of any wounds, except for the amputation of her tail.  There was also an autopsy report that concluded the Saiyan had been poisoned by an unidentified toxin.

"Now, Chirad, as you already know, we like to maintain good relations with the Space Warriors and their home planet of Saiya," Pine said.  "That’s why it’s especially bad that this woman isn’t just a murder victim oh no.  She was also a minister--that’s right-- in the court of King Rehval, yes the very King of the Space Warriors!"

"Then you mean the King of the Space Warriors sent his minister here?" Chirad asked.

"Hmm?  Not in an official capacity you see no she was here on personal business though I’m not privy to such matters, being personal as they so often are," Pine said.

Chirad understood.  Even if the minister hadn’t been attached to a diplomatic envoy, her murder would still be a strain on Bigreenese/Saiyan relations.  He still had more questions than answers, but at least now he understood why the highest law enforcement official on the planet was involved with the case.

What Chirad still didn’t know was how he was supposed to help with any of this, but somehow he doubted that he and Emeral were going to make it in time to see that movie he promised her.

NEXT: The Roles We Fill

[bubbleteajuseyo]

Living My Best Atiny Life At Ateez's Global Fansign in NY | K-Music Mondays | Bubbleteajuseyo

안녕하세요 여러분! (*＾▽＾)／ 

How have you all been?

I want to say I'm sorry again for my past hiatuses and just not being consistent with uploading before (both videos and blog posts). I will for sure be more active on here (and eventually my channel, but that’s a discussion for another day).

And this post in particular, is long overdue and involves my weekend at KCon NY this past summer. 

KCon NY this year was....STRESSFUL AF! Part of me deep down had a feeling everything wasn't going to go well.

Why?

Because leading up to it all, so much was happening. And by that, so much good news and amazing opportunities were coming my way that I felt like the universe was going to be like "LOL, life is going too well right now, lets see how we can mess it up a bit."

*Side note: I don't care, call me crazy all you want. However, realizing now that Mercury was in retrograde, it all makes sense why it seemed like such a chaotic mess the entire weekend.*

From early check-in to literally that Sunday night on my train ride home, nothing went how I had hoped/planned. And not going to lie, for all this stress, I might as well go to KCON LA next summer or KCON Japan.

And on top of that, I haven't been feeling well the past several weeks (mentally, emotionally, and physically) and it's just been an unpleasant roller coaster ride. So there's that.

KCON NY 2019

Like I said, so many good things were happening weeks prior. From finding out so much good news that week to just feeling so great about myself.

But it was literally the morning of early check in, everything just started to take a turn for the worst.

From missing my train to early check-in being a mess, trying to trade my hi touch with someone in the heat and pretty much wasting my time; my weekend was starting off chaotic.

Then the first day of KCON wasn't any better. It felt even more hot and disgustingly humid than the day before, which made me grateful the convention was inside this year. But walking from Penn Station to Javits was not a good time.

I got completely lost in Javits trying to find the line to wait to go into the convention once it opened up.

Then, I decided to be boo boo the fool and go to starbucks inside Javits to drink that dumb b*tch juice. And to my surprise the queue line wrapped around into a huge crowd of people trying to figure out where the line formed/ended.

WE LOVE THAT.

Oh, and to top it off, in the middle of all that mess and ending up being stuck in the queue line, it was 11:30AM and I had to be at the Kakao Friends booth to claim my giveaway ticket for the show that night by 12PM.

I was so stressed and about to have a breakdown in the middle of the line.

Luckily, Kakao Friends was very understanding while I was dm-ing them the entire time. And to my surprise, I actually made it to the booth with about 5 minutes to spare.

As soon as I got my ticket, I did some mini exploring of the convention and found the merch table.  Before I knew it, it was time for my Ateez audience engagement.

At that moment I could not believe they were right in front of me and then I was reminded that the next day I had the global fansign event.

My friend even kept reminding me I was going to be sitting face-to-face with them the following day and part of me wanted to throw up. It was slowly sinking in, but not fully.

My friend and I actually left the fan engagement when they did hi-touch to see more of the convention. We came across a couple of Youtube creators along the way, attempted to win her a free ticket to the concert that night, and much more.

I will say, just like last year, I wish I did even more with the convention. Especially panels.

However, like last year, the schedule for KCON was just a lot.

There were some booths I was not able to attend and the line to get food was always way too long. I missed a few of the stages at the convention and some panels, which sort of sucked.

But, what can you do? It is what it is, I guess.

What was even more upsetting, just like last year, Kung Fu Tea ran out of boba in the middle of the convention. Truly devastating. 💔

Besides all of that it wasn't that bad. Still a sh*t show, but fun nonetheless. If I get the chance next year to go to KCON, I took notes again as to what I will do differently. Even then, I plan to experience KCON LA or Japan instead.

Now, if we fast forward to the concert, I am still shook.

I want to take the time to thank Kakao Friends again because if it wasn't for them, I would not have had the opportunity to attend the show. I will forever be grateful because I had such a good seat!

All of the performances did incredible, and of course, Ateez snatched my soul.

Their 'Sicko Mode' stage was *chef's kiss* remarkable. I do wish they did ‘Pirate King’ since I probably don't know if I will ever see that or their 'Pick It Up' performance live. Regardless they put on an amazing show.

*Side note: I know they did ‘Pick It Up’ and ‘Pirate King’ during Klub Kcon, but unfortunately I couldn’t attend that either. Big sad. ㅠㅠ*

I enjoyed the other performances like The Boyz, Iz*One, Nu'Est and TxT.

And let me say Iz*One is so pretty. I am still heartbroken that Everglow couldn't make it because I know their stage would have been incredible. However, Iz*One had a breathtaking stage and killed it.

With having time to fill, all of the artists did their best to fill in for Everglow's time slots and I couldn't be more proud. It was still a fun time and made up for the crappy events that happened during the day.

Now, let’s move on and discuss the following day and the best day.

Ateez Global Fansign in NY

Before going to the fansign, I had to run some errands basically at Javits Center before heading to the venue to line up. Such as giving my friend her tickets to the concert that night and selling my SF9 hi-touch since it was pretty much at the time of the fansign. 

I took an Uber from Javits to the theatre because it was too hot to walk and I still don’t know how to take the subway in NY. Also, was trying to not get sweaty and gross in the subway, or while walking either.

Upon arrival, I have to say, I was anxious as hell walking up to the line to wait. I wouldn’t say I felt out of place, but I was scared to try and make other Atiny friends. Which, I had nothing to be concerned about because the Atiny I met that day were so welcoming and that in itself was just so comforting. 

And right now I just want to take the time to give some shoutouts to my favorite Atiny.

I mentioned Whitnee and Deni I believe in a previous twitter thread or so, and they are literally sweet angels and I couldn’t be more grateful to have had the chance to meet them at the fansign. Whitnee was the first Atiny I spoke to as we waited in line for check-in, while Deni saved my life, so these two deserve the entire world and to live their best Atiny lives always and forever. So, a massive shout out to the two of them for being the first Atiny’s I encountered in real life. I adore you both and hope we can reunite soon!

And although I didn’t meet any of them at the fansign (which hoping to change all of that in the future), a massive shout out to the Hagtiny group chat. I love you hags with my whole heart and hope you live your best Atiny lives as well.

One more shout out to Aleah since I went up randomly to her and her friends and was like, “Anyone want a free Ateez album?” And since I had an extra one and we exchanged twitters, we literally have been friends since and met up again at the Mingi cafe event.

Oh, and thank you all for putting up with my soft hours on twitter and in text message.

There’s for sure more people on this shout out list, but I’m going to mention them in the another post. Otherwise, we may be here for a bit longer and I know you all want me to get back to discussing the fansign.

Now, where were we?

Oh, so after we all checked in and picked numbers, we found our seats. This is when emotions slowly creep up on you. As everyone gets settled and once they go over the rules and stuff for the event, suddenly the boys come out and pick their seating order.

Now, this is where it actually sinks in as they stand on stage in front of you in a small theatre. Then you remember that you will soon be sitting face to face with each member, one by one.

I drew number 98, so I was in the last row of the theatre and luckily it was elevated so I was able to still see everything. However, it was kind of a sucked. When you’re that far back waiting for your turn, your nerves just build up more and more.

So, not only were my nerves getting the best of me, my head was hurting, I was nauseous, and exhausted. But this was because I was also running off of little to no sleep, and didn’t eat all day. Therefore, I owe Deni my entire soul and one of my kidneys. She saved me by giving me a bite of the granola bar she was eating and water so I can take advil for my headache and to just have something in my stomach to hold me over. She also comforted me while we waited. Not only did Deni prevent me from dying, we actually spoke the entire time. Had like 800 trips to the bathroom and played games in the back row, such as: how many members can we get to ‘hit the woah’ with us. 

I blew a kiss to Hongjoong then he blew one back and then mimicked me freaking out and losing my sh*t. And this was when there was one to two rows ahead before it became our turn.

So, being in the last row honestly wasn’t that much of a bummer. It was actually a lot of fun. So I’d rather be in the back for a fansign again.

Finally, the time comes. Our row gets called up. I’m lowkey worried I’ll collapse or something while going up and down the stairs. The staff checks our post-it questions and then we wait until it’s our turn to sit down.

Once it was my turn to sit down, I almost lost it. My biggest fear was them having San start the line. And what do you know, Wooyoung (he chose the seat order) did me dirty.

The order was: San, Wooyoung, Seonghwa, Yunho, Mingi, Hongjoong, Yeosang, Jongho.

Then again, regardless of the order, I would have died internally anyway. BUT, Choi San just-

Let me take another moment to express how Choi San literally ruins me and is at the top of my bias wrecking list. That smile. Oh my, that smile. That is what gets me everytime and for him to start the line and smiling the way he does, I was done.

So, I sat down with San and just when I thought I would lose it because of that smile...I actually felt comforted? Like the nerves started to die down a bit. Same goes for Wooyoung,which him and Jongho intimidated me at first.

I mean I’m still intimidated by Jongho, but I’ll talk about that another time. And as for Wooyoung, I have the biggest soft spot for him.

But as I moved from each member, the nerves just kept decreasing and it turned into pure comfort and happiness.

In this twitter thread I describe in detail my experience with each member, along with a clip I found from another Atiny’s video of me interacting with Mingi. I hope you all enjoy reading the thread.

Speaking of which, here is another shout out to JaNey because I was looking to see if anyone recorded the entire fansign and came across her channel to discover she basically did. And when I say I was so happy, I cried.

The one thing I really regret from the fansign, was not bringing my DSLR nor having the courage to ask someone to record me.

And now, here is a really soft and emotional moment. With those being on my list of things I wish I did and didn’t do, comes this one thought (or many thoughts).

I am super grateful for this experience. Beyond grateful, actually. I almost didn’t even try for this fansign because I honestly thought I would not have gotten in. I’m glad I took the chance.

However, the more I think about it, that may have been my only chance. Again, I’m super grateful for the opportunity, since I know there are some who still haven’t gotten to experience meeting them. But, when the chance comes and goes, you can’t help but think what if you never get to do it again? Then you really start to miss them. It’s a very complicated feeling to explain right now.

Maybe that’s me being a little selfish, but there is so much I wish I could have said or done, that I didn’t get to say or do.

That’s why it sort of hurts when I see some people I'm mutuals with getting attacked for attending multiple events like fansigns. Because if I could, I would do the same. And I also think they may feel the same way, not knowing when it will be their last time meeting them. 

Therefore, I live vicariously through them. And I hope every Atiny gets to have that moment. I’m hoping that maybe I’ll get more chances in the future, but I could only be so lucky. So, I won’t get my hopes up too much. Like I said though, I’m super grateful that my first fansign experience in general was with Ateez.

I don’t even know where to begin with how happy these boys make me, it’s been a long time since a group has had me feeling like this. Maybe I’ll do a massive blog post explaining this.

Leave a reply to this blog post telling me how happy Ateez makes you.

Overall, my weekend for KCON was definitely one of the many highlights of my year. Despite coming across a lot of bumps in the road, I appreciate the fact that I was allowed to have such a remarkable and memorable time. The highlight, of course, being the fansign.

Not only did I get to meet the 8 boys who have had a huge impact on my life, but I have developed some heartwarming friendships since then.

Ateez & Atiny make one team. 💖

I want to thank you all for reading this blog post. 

Also, please hit that follow button for my blog. Even drop some suggestions in my ask box for what you would like to see for K-Music Monday posts. Or even reply below to this post. I’d be truly grateful either way. *^^*

Thank you so much again for reading this post and if you haven’t already, make sure you join the #BOBASquad to receive exclusive newsletters regarding my channel, blog and my journey to finally move to Korea.

And make sure to subscribe and hit that notification bell to my channel for when I finally end another hiatus that I’ve been on. Because I’ve been on this rollercoaster when it comes to feeling confident enough to film and upload. There will definitely be a whole video to the blog post I’ll be uploading on here.

I want to add, if anyone wishes to donate and support this adventure I’m on to move to Korea for university, please check out my Ko-fi page. 

All earnings will be going into my savings account for future projects I have planned for my blog/channel to be a full-time content creator, to save an go back to Korea in Summer 2020, and then officially move to Seoul by 2021.

This isn’t really about me, this is about how many people can I bring with me on this adventure to motivate to take the leap themselves.

I really hope you all enjoyed this post and thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

Until next time~

감사합니다!

나중에 봐요! 💕

[zainabfmm300]

EVALUATION:

This module had been really confusing to me from the start; from why it’s even a module and why we need to do it, in terms of what we gain out of it etc. I don’t feel like I’ve done very well on this module, although it was quite creative compared to the rest of the modules. My anxiety and other personal reasons have taken over, especially when it comes near the end of the module.  I felt like it was nice that this module was about presenting your identity and having the chance to show that to other people.

The first event that consisted of three days, was quite nerve wrecking for me as I thought it would really boring and very unnecessary. However, on the first day and especially at the start it was a little boring, but later when we got into groups it was a little more fun as we were from different courses and people were able to share and use skills they’ve gained from being in a specific course. The lecturer from Game Art, was absolutely amazing when delivering to us what we had to do. Working in a group with people I didn’t know was not as bad and I felt quite comfortable by the time we had given everyone a role in our group. Thinking about the Art School 2030, the group that I was in, had planned about what we want the future school to look like, considering shapes, colour, texture, interior, this had boosted our creativity and made us quite ambitious. Therefore, we had spent the first day gathering ideas and inspirations, making lists and drawing for the school. One of the things that were required for us to do is a manifesto… all the groups had struggled with this bit, or just weren’t able to get their head around it. On the second day of the first event, I wasn’t in due to being sick, however the group in game art, had thought of creating memes, representing the manifestos. The third day was spent by making/ digitally creating the way we want our school to look like. Moodboards for inspirations were created and finalized, by the end of the time that we had the deadline, we had made sure that all our work was presented digitally on screens. Most people that came in, had enjoyed our manifesto of memes.

In the programme, I had enjoyed the fact it was based around fashion collaborating with different industries of music, art and film. I t really got you thinking and it meant that this time in programme can really be fun when given a chance to do something around these topics. The skills learn to size the moodboards and really thinking about what you’re like as a person, when reminding yourself of your personal fashion and music sense/ style. As peers in the programme, we got to learn about each others taste and got to do fun activities when creating moodboards including a sound track, being presented the group has to guess which individual from the FMM course they think it is. Before the actual dates near the second event, as a group we were giving ideas on how we want our course to be represented during the event etc. People were coming up with a way they could switch part of our classroom to a party etc. The actual way we also were representing ourselves, was through a video consisting everyone’s five moodboards and a sound track that goes with it.. Problems that I have had during the ‘in programme’ time, was that I wasn’t familiar with the ease that came with this module. Which was a problem for me, because it made me really nervous, anxious and stressed, as I thought this is too easy or too little work to be enough/ handed for a whole 20 credit module.

For the second event, I feel quite depressed about as I wasn’t able to attend or feel I was part of.  One of the reasons I wasn’t actually able to come in was due to the first day of Ramadan and how I felt really nauseous to come in and perform my best. The other reason would be that it seems that I have been having trouble with receiving notifications from classroom, where a lot of alerts about this module would be posted to make sure we had completed task etc. For some reason I wasn’t able to receive any, when I usually would. I feel really upset that I wasn’t able to really engage with my peers during the planning for the second event and all the fun and creativity that goes into the plans and ideas. I had also wanted to be part of presenting our course to the others and showing how creative we are as a group. Which is a shame as it would’ve been a nice end to this module! As I don’t have a lot to ay about the second event, since I wasn’t able to attend it due to technical faults and being genuinely ill, I will be evaluating overall. The twenty-credit module is really creative and a lot of thoughts and efforts go into it. It will be confusing for others like the new people that will come in this year in September, just like it was for us. One thing I would suggest to happen and make sure it is done is that it is advertised/ presented to the students as a fun and creative module, giving them the idea that it is a great and an exciting way to finish off the year. Many people from my course had complained that there were people including some staff slacking and not really putting a lot of effort into caring about the work produced by the students, maybe for the future of this module, there should be at least another member of staff that is supervising the main staff delivering the module.