#it’s that kind of numb pain | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

levbolton · 11 months ago

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Wydm Richard is born on *october 2nd*

#i am in pain #it’s that kind of numb pain #that haunts me #dry pain #i am usually unaffected so this says a lot abt how great this work is #baraou no souretsu #literally losing my mind

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vaguely-concerned · 1 year ago

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Thinking about the symbolic weight of smoking in the TLT universe that comes to the fore in The Unwanted Guest -- the way it moves through from person to person: Pyrrha smoked, and Augustine wanted to impress her in all her stone cold fox MILF James Bond glory (and tbf who wouldn't) so he started too. and even though as far as he knows she's been gone for a myriad and is never coming back, he keeps the habit. Ianthe sees something in the hollowed-out Faberge eggshell of Augustine that resonates with her, all that gilded eloquent emptiness and disdain through the ages, so she picked it up from him to try to emulate it. She picked it up so hard that Palamedes -- the exact spiritual antithesis of the 'smoking! on a space station! what a powermove' ennui Ianthe so admired -- spontaneously unnerded enough to even known how to, simply from a sort of contact contamination of the soul.

G1deon and Augustine sharing a jittery smoke after their near-Harrow experience during soup night, and it's the closest thing to any real sense of brotherhood that remains between them. Pyrrha going ten thousand years dying both literally and for a smoke (and then Camilla sold her fucking cigarettes (for a third of what they were worth, probably Pyrrha's own good, and also more importantly grocery money). what an entirely haunted time to be alive etc.). Augustine and Mercy trading a cigarette back and forth in the middle of their collusion over the love and murder of god.

An act of small and measured self-destruction in the name of something a little bit like connection when you're stuck somewhere in yourself where love itself dares not or cannot tread (ritualized, transmissible)..........

#the unwanted guest #the unwanted guest spoilers #the locked tomb #ianthe tridentarius #augustine the first #pyrrha dve #palamedes sextus #this series is going to make me lose my mind completely one day (affectionate)#the locked tomb meta #the fact that ianthe seems to have had some genuine admiration for augustine makes my head spin. of course though.#of course she sees the person who looks the most like he's successfully made himself impervious to the world #utterly untouchable and impossible to hurt because he isn't even really there #and she believes it! even after seeing the john mercy augustine mess at the end! because it's such a seductive idea #when you've stuck yourself in an inevitable ocean of pain to think you could make yourself numb enough that it doesn't matter #it's the emotional equivalent of 'oh there's water all around? well I just won't breathe in then. easy lmao get on my level'#she holds on to that thing from him even when it's been proved to be both impossible and ultimately untrue even in him #because uh. oh I'm about to be kind of sad for ianthe what the fuck is going on. he might actually have been the closest thing #to parental and especially paternal affection she's ever known. certainly known enough to try to model herself after #IMAGINE how fucked up the nine houses must be when augustine the first registers for anyone as a model of psychological survival #ianthe do you really want to be yourself completely so much that you're willing to be nothing. I mean yeah probably but. oh my god #gaining nothing at the cost of everything

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good-to-drive · 7 months ago

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I totally agree with the general consensus that Ringo provided a lot of emotional support and coolheadedness to the other beatles to the point where they'd have probably killed each other without him but I do also wonder sometimes how much of that is being supernaturally patient and easygoing and how much of it is Ringo just having a tumultuous and isolated childhood where he was never taught to recognize and assert his own emotional needs so he became a blank slate on which others could process their emotions

(And tbh I also wonder how an inability to access or assert his feelings may have contributed to his tendency to process pain by numbing himself and the pretty shitty way he treated women)

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goldkirk · 20 days ago

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If anyone remembers all the dental work I needed done uhhhhhhh three years ago and never went back and ran away forever…I’m finally going back to a dentist on Thursday to restart the process and face my deep and utter abiding terror. And I also scheduled my COVID and flu vaccines for a couple hours later. And my psych appointment to restart meds.

I figured get it all done in one day, have my miserable immune reaction on Friday that I seem to always get with Moderna COVID shots, and then flee directly into the weekend and never be a person again except when I’m on and off crying. It’s going to be so kind to future me to get these things done and I can do it no matter how much I feel like I am constantly about to Actually Physically Die.

#you can see why I’m restarting meds #my brain is constantly convincing me that my teeth are about to actually finish rotting out of my mouth and I probably have an abscess #already that is going to give me a jaw or heart infection #which is VERY unlikely #and that my dog is deeply sick and I should rehome her and give her to someone who’ll take proper care of her and isn’t me #yadda yadda #it’s been fucking miserable #the only good part is 1) I’m going to get the worst part over with (starting the process) and #2) even if I completely flee and refuse to go back I’ll have one dental cleaning at least helping with plaque buildup and stuff #this is so fucking EMBARRASSING it’s all so EMBARASSING #it shouldn’t be this hard for me and I know it’s irrational #I’m just so scared because it’s so triggering for me for NO REASON and #I KNOW that this time when we get to the multiple fillings and at least one root canal and also my impacted wisdom teeth that it’ll be #different and I won’t go un-numb or if I do again they��ll have better checks in place for when I panic lie to their faces #but it doesn’t help #and I’m so sure they’re gonna tell me I need three or more root canals because I’ve waited way way too long #and I STILL can’t consistently keep up with brushing and flossing #which is the most embarassing and shameful thing in the world and I KNOW #but I’m scared shitless of all of it and it’s all a sensory nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway I’m not going to be okay later this week and I’m not particularly okay now #so if I’m not around online much #that’s why #but I’m happy news Aoife and I are having some lovely walks this week and she’s very cute and snuggly and we played tug a lot of times yest #*yesterday and she also stayed sniffing a bush while a bike went past two feet away #instead of getting startled and needing to hop or bark at it and then calm down #I’m so proud of her #and I wouldn’t be able to do this at all without my very kind partner who spearheaded scheduling the dentist (and researching places)#after my jaw pain nervous breakdown last week #health #personal

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itspileofgoodthings · 1 year ago

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my life is a very slow process of everyone around me telling me not to be anxious and me fighting them all tooth and nail while inching towards more stable mental health.

#I know it’s not true but sometimes I feel like if I didn’t have anxiety I would not suffer at all #which. again. is false #but there’s a lot of things I don’t want in this life and a lot of things I am not scared of and a lot of things I just accept #and like. It’s FINE #but all my suffering from anxiety stays in one fixed flame of sheer agony #and it’s hard because I don’t shake like a chihuahua in the corner of my bedroom #unable to move or function #I’m always doing things and functioning and joking at parties and (generally) saying the right thing #but it’s all located in one corner in the middle of my mind attacking my ability to make judgments and live with my decisions peacefully #like an unseen wound #and the distance i feel it puts between me and other people #is one of the most painful things #just several sheets of frosted glass between me and them #and sometimes the worst it gets is when I can bear it without breaking down and so I just do and I just keep functioning #and the cold just creeps in and everything goes kind of numb!#tbh now that I think about it this might be why I often think of myself as a person with no desires or ambitions or dreams #or impetus or forward motion or anything #because I DO want things and have opinions and the exist in flashes. But also they’re buried deep under several layers of protective apathy #so they’re not stable. I drop them many times. forget them ignore them imagine that they aren’t there. I’m sorry I’m rambling I’m FINE #actually when I talk about it that’s how you know I’m doing okay with it #when I can’t talk about it and am half-heartedly going through the motions #that’s the problem #anyway whew. thanks for listening sorry for all the self-reflection etc. etc. etc.

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kyouka-supremacy · 1 year ago

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Akutagawa's smile appreciation. He looks so genuinely amused here 🥺🥺

#The only person who could genuinely laugh in such circumstance on this kind of battlefield after having been slashed and hit so painfully #I wasn't kidding when I said he grew some kind of numbness to pain.#ryūnosuke akutagawa #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd ch 86 #bsd ch 84-88 #mine

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suffercerebral · 6 months ago

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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects

#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar #no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new #but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term #so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now #so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but #it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out #that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance #so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial #but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal #although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive #i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary #ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness #which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days #and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself #im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles #but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy #and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me #i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this #i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself #im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body #im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up #and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please #and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching #between numbness and overwhelming agony #what the fuck am i talking about

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luvsavos · 9 months ago

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i am once again apologizing for my lack of activity/responsiveness

my childhood cat passed away a few days ago which has just been more stuff on top of everything else for me to deal with to stress me out and upset me

i'll try to get back to stuff. Eventually. as soon as i can</3

#mar.txt #still very much upset about losing him，but it's kind of faded for numbness now #still not holding up great though especially considering how sudden it was #he was all fine and healthy and then just suddenly started to rapidly go downhill and within like. two days he was gone #he was so weak. couldn't move almost at all，his meows were barely just meow-sounding exhales. the last two things he did were #getting my attention so i would come to him，then attempted to crawl onto my lap and despite me being less than a foot away he couldn't make #it. so i brought him onto my bed on my lap with me. and then at some point later after another sudden onset of diarrhea (which seemed to #take absolutely all of his remaining strength) and i'd brought him back to my bed after cleaning the poop off of him he got my attention to #move his head so he could look up at me. and that's how he passed. looking up at me.#despite everything，he was purring. so weak and faint i could hardly feel it，but. he was purring，maybe until the moment he finally passed.#he was obviously suffering. and we couldn't afford to get someone to put him down so we just did what we could for him.#i'm glad that，at least，he was happy in his final moments. he wanted to be with me and i'm glad i could give him that. i HAD needed to go out #that day but i opted to stay home because i was worried he'd pass while i was gone. sure enough if i had gone out he would have.#i'm glad i could give him the comfort and company he wanted in his final moments. i'm glad i made him happy enough in them to purr even #despite how weak he was. i'm glad he didn't pass alone and possibly in pain.#ive lost a lot of pets in my life. but amos? he's only like. three years younger than me? we practically grew up together. ive known him his #entire life. no amount of being told it hurts to lose a childhood pet will ever compare to the reality of it happening.#i buried him outside my window. so he's close to home.#vent post? i guess?

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avpdgirlfriend · 6 months ago

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i kind of cant live anymore

#i dont want to die but i would kind of like to . numb the pain

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boxwinebaddie · 2 months ago

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HE JAS A PROSTHETIC LEG OMG? WHAT HAPPENED

hoooo...so *looks away because god is about to smite me for this and i really can't take any more abuse, but i'm a loose cannon, baby!*

sooo uh...hypothetically speaking...

toolshed mechanic stan's grandmother might have been a really famous female drag racer once upon a time and stan may have been a Really REALLY GOOD Driver...oooonce...upon a time...

-- because i'm not saying there was an Incident, buuut...

but if there was an incident about a year or so ago, toolstan and the boys ( kenny and butters, holla at them ) may have been on some late night Degenerate Shit ( drinking, smoking that good tegridy weed, getting dummy stupid and schwifty ) and small town hick nowhere mechanic stan maaaaay...may have been driving them back DRUNK!!

AS! ALL! FUCK!! ( it used to be his favorite party trick; he used to say he could do it with his eyes closed or steer with his feet/use his legs where his arms were / drive backwards...that joke Did Not age well.

and...hypothetically speaking, he may have actually physically humored that joke, or regardless was prolly doing donuts and stupid ass shit ( butters was throwing up and kenny was having a blast ) but uhhh...it's very possible that things might have been going very well...

( as well as driving your friends home blackout drunk can be -- which is never a good idea even if you live in a tiny rural colorado town that doesn't even make the map most years, have done it a million times and there is never anything in the road... )

because HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING!!! THERE WAAAAAS SOMETHING IN THE ROAD!!!! it was a deer, toolshed stan SWERVED HARD, they hit a massive tree and...Sigh...

hypothetically speaking, mechanic stan only really remembers it in horrible mercurial ptsd flashes and is extremely haunted by it...but in the accident, i think stan's leg got crushed between some part or the car or idk, maybe it had something to do with the handle he was drinking ( yikes super best friend ), a massive shard of glass got butters in the eye and he literally lost his eye and kenny???

so...they never found kenny's body...but they did find...

His Severed Right Hand.

#sorry i know this is an unofficial ncu au #i am still kind of developing it while i work on my ravesey stuff and try to write actual things again #BUT OOOOOOOOOOOF BROTHER #YIIIIIIIIIIIIIKES #NOT GREAT #again still in the works #but uh fuck so after that #toolshed stan never drove again ever like he works on cars and is really good at it and used to love cars and #possibly aspired to be like his grandma ( should i bring back sobo mimi like i really think i should i love her )#but literally panics anytime he is in any car walks or bikes or skateboards literally everywhere and like #will not get in a car and can't drive or he will literally have a panic attack like when i tell you he can't fucking do it #like he cannot take the goddamn bus its that serious #anyways i love him robot tin can leg mechanic stan my boyfriend he is lowkey very dreamy to me but thinks hes a hunk of junk #LIKE HALF OF THAT WAS RIGHT HUNKY MECHANIC KING #anyways very very sad they assumed kenny was like eaten by wild animals or dragged into the woods by....something #folks say it was Man Bear Pig #but there is a hole in the windsheild from where kenny flew straight through the goddamn window bc he wasnt #wearing a GODDAMN SEAT BELT even tho butters fucking BEGGED HIM TOO FUCKING HELL POOR BUTTERS #also i think the only reason that mechanic stan Survived actually was because the amount of alcohol in his body #somehow numbed or slowed everything down #but it was fucked the last thing he remembers is kenny flying out and butters screaming and bleeding and seeing his leg fucked up #has a lot of phantom pain there also #i went back and forth on whether it should be his arm or leg so if it changes ill tell ya but UHHH LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE SKJ

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thebigqueer · 2 months ago

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2 years ago i fucked up a friendship w a girl (that im pretty sure i was in love with). to this day i think of her and sometimes when i see her on the street i just wanna cry. i understand your plight very much.

yeahhh man im sorry to hear that!!! it genuinely fucking sucks and i would never wish this upon anyone. cuz like it makes you fully think about all the what ifs and i genuilnely dont think ill ever find someone like her again

#im not trying to sound dramatic im being so serious she was so fucking perfect for me #i geuss the difference is shes the one who broke up w me and i know i didnt do anything wrong #neither of us did #its just like fuck!!! you know?? like we could have been so much #serious relationships dont need to be longterm to be serious you know???#one of these days im going to get tipsy and then 'drunk' text her even though i fiully intend to text her #and then claim i was just drunk because im notl ying im just not telling the full truth #like i fully considered it last night but i knew it would be a bad idea and i know if i do it its just gonna fuck things up more #but im soooo tempted man #like i dont know what itll even do #i know inside my goal is to maybe convince her that its not our time to end but i know in reality #its just gonna make her feel guilty and push her away even more if i show her how much ic are abou ther #i just seriously wish i understood why she even did it #i also thought being back on campus would help and i mean it has for sure becuase ive had my friends to distract me #but the thing is im not enjoying anything. like im not being distracted im just being numbed ykwim #cuz the moment i leave my friends all i do is think about her #and even when im WITH my friends ill be in the moment w them and then 2 minutes later ill start zoning out thinking about her #like the worst part about this is i dont have any anger *against* her #maybe im angry about like the general situation but the anger isnt against her #and while being angry is its own kind of pain in a way it can be easier cuz at least then youre tempted to have a good time and show off #but when its like this where youre just sad at the situation like what am i actually gonna do except think about her #sorry anon im not trying to dump on you i just start ranting in the tags sometimes #sunny rambles #anon tag #asks

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ef-1 · 2 years ago

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legs & lessons in perseverance | march '23

#so.#i fell into the fireplace lol #- thats the concise summary. but ive just been unwell health wise recently. i think ms is just harrowing to deal with #because you can go for so long symptom free and then one day you wake up and everything is wrong #your body feels wrong.#i remember being constantly angry at my body as though its a separate entity. especially when i was like 17/18.#because everytime i had a bad ms relapse i would literally breakdown in angry tears like- at my body. i was good to you. im meditating #im eating healthy. im exercising. ive been good to you.#but then suddenly you cant see or youre shaking uncontrollably or your limbs are numb #or my new favourite one: a couple of weeks ago i woke up at 4 am in a cold sweat. the inside of my thigh was burning #i dont mean like. exercise burning. i mean like struck a hot iron rod burning. it was obv nerve pain but that didnt stave off the panic #so i messaged my neurologist and hes like 'yeah its fine. wanna inject yourself?'#anyway. so recently i was helping my friend get his place houseparty ready and we were cleaning out the fire place #and my legs just gave out 😍#and i got so angry and humiliated i kind of just wanted to go to bed and not wake up tbh #which is what i usually do but like. i was angry. angry. scorpio angry as lidya would say. so i had a nap in his bed #and when i woke up i felt slightly better and for once i thought 'im not going to let my body ruin this day for me'#and i just dragged him to the markets with me. and i still had the tremors but we bought more greens than either of us needed #and we laughed and walked and he carried me to the car at the end of the trip and it was one of the best days ive had in a long while tbh #and it feels impossible but sometimes all u need is to brush the ash from ur knees and hide the scruffs with stockings &maybe youll be ok #💚#tw chronic illness #/ multiple sclerosis

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hershelchocolate · 11 months ago

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Oddly enough I feel like now is the perfect time to write my next Lyf fic. I've been wanting to do it for a while, but Whisper Court has kept me too busy to write anything else. Now that that's mostly done, I'm free to write some fic and my cold is mostly gone so my brain isn't melting anymore

I'm still hurt I am still Injured but oddly enough. It makes writing the fic I have in mind more appropriate. I just still, after all this time, cannot come up with an excuse for why Monsters Lyf would be injured for multiple days in a row

#i gave them regenerative abilities AND the ability to numb pain if they need to #how the hell am i gonna write a fic where their arm Remains injured for a long period of time (like a week #randy rambles #a little bit of personal stuff past this point but. being injured sucks ass #i hate it here man i fucking hate it here i injured myself AGAIN in a desperate bid to feel normal again #which. is exactly why i feel like i need to write this #everything im thinking and feeling right now is exactly the kind of thing i wanted to explore in this fic #i just. kind of wish it didnt have to happen to me to get me to make it #i just want to go through a day without pain again. at least lyf gets that choice #edit: i wrote oddly enough TWICE in this post im going to fucking explode

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pokemonruby · 1 year ago

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good morning folks, i have survived the dentist 👍

#for those who don't know my teeth are super fucked up because i was neglected during my childhood more or less and #didn't care too much about my health so a lot of issues piled up. so they had to do a very thorough cleaning.#mouth is exceptionally numb & i'm probably gonna be sore as fuck but i'm glad i got it done finally. hopefully this means less pain overall #i did have a panic attack during the procedure though since i got overstimulated but they were really kind about it.#riley rambles #anyways . exhausted as fuck. waiting for the numbness to fade so i can eat something. today will be a ramen noodle day.#also my boyfriend got me the cinnamoroll build a bear plush he's in his JAMMIES i'm crying

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rathockey · 1 year ago

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#finally accepting that i am in fact Depressed #its the numb kind of depression instead of the painful kind but #that sucks in different ways #sigh #atlas.txt

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deadprincesslivingg · 2 years ago

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people keep saying that there’s so much to live for and places to see and people to meet. they tell me i have so much to live for and so many people care about me.

but i already knew all that.

i know im not a horrible person. i always try to be kind. i love with all my heart and while it backfires often, it doesn’t always. and i want a happy little family.

but im exhausted

im burnt

i’m done

i don’t care if it’ll get better. i really don’t bc i want it to stop all together.

but i can’t. i know my brother needs me and i’ve spent my entire life protecting him from as much pain as i could. and i’d do it all again

but that doesn’t make reality any easier

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