#serious relationships dont need to be longterm to be serious you know??? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

webspinning · 8 months

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Self, Intimacy, Family, Loss, Future

Macaron, Alabastrine, Florence, Hellion

Don’t need to do all if you dont want :)

FLORENCE OH OH ILOVE YOU YOU NOTICED FLORENCE

Self;

Macaron - Yes, they like themself! Or that's what they'd say if asked, anyway, it's never something they've thought about extensively :] Alabastrine - He knows he's pretty, has a few doubts about his personality. Though he would like to be a little shorter, he's small for a SandWing. Florence - Yes. What? Maybe. She's pretty and gets told it a lot, [and has accepted it] but she doesn't care, and would probably prefer to be less pretty. She gets a lot of people asking her out and finds it distracting lmao. Hellion - He didn't used to like himself but he does now, he's happier getting to dress like an emo teen even in his forties. Intimacy; Macaron - Aromantic..they might be okay with a longterm QPR but they'd need to trust that dragon a lot. They don't really have the...time right now. Alabastrine - Been on a few flings in his life, usually just for entertainment between him and whoever it was. There was never really any spark but it's nice to have someone to be affectionate with for a bit. He's hoping his current relationship will last. Florence - Dislikes the idea of flings, needs time to get to know someone before she even lets them know most things about her. She's never been incredibly interested in romantic relationships, really. Hellion - This man was known for having a lot of partners back in his younger days, and still has a few he hangs around with now !! Nothing serious, he doesn't want the scene that happened with Veros to happen again. Always been romantic though. Family; Macaron - They're very close with their family! I haven't picked them out or named them yet but they have three siblings, both parents, and several cousins. They all love each other lots :) Alabastrine - Not very close with any of her family...his father is distant and literally unreachable, being the prince, his grandmother wants him dead, and his mother has a tense relationship with him. He's not fond of any of them either. Florence - None of her family is left alive. Hellion - Knows of Strina, doesn't like to acknowledge his existence. Close with his mother [he was her favourite child for a long time], vaguely positive relationship with his father, doesn't see his brothers enough but they all kind of dislike him because he was Iurus' golden child, and he dislikes his younger sister. Loss; No for everyone except Florence ! Her entire family [twin brother + parents] is dead, she misses them - especially her brother - a lot. She didn't take his loss well, but they were able to mourn their parents together before that and it made it a little bit better. Losing him is part of why she's so closed off.

Future; Macaron always looks forward to seeing their family when they get breaks from work long enough to visit, they normally end up in a big cuddle pile of SilkWings for a few hours.

thank you for this <3 i needed it today

#oc; florence #oc; macaron #oc; hellion #oc; alabastrine #mentioned >#oc; iurus #oc; cadaverous #oh starseeker :) strina has a coded profile on th now you might have fun checking that out #oc ask games

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dogboycolumbo · 1 year

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sorry for this random ass question, but post total drama and ridonculous race, which TD couples can you see actually staying together/making it in the long run? Funnily enough, even though they're competitive as shit, I can see Heather and Alejandro lasting a long time the most

aleheather for life!!!!

the entirety of world tour was built on alejandro and heather getting to know each other and i genuinely truly believe their relationship could last forever. their competitiveness keeps the relationship from ever going stale—they will never run out of ways to have fun together

BUT other than that there arent many i’m super sold on!

the goths really know each other well and learned to get along even when un-gothed but thats not something that feels. totally solid. they get each other but i could see them parting amicably if one of them had to move away or something

i could see devin and carrie getting married and sticking together forever even as they begin to hate each other. they would have a kid and try to keep it together for them(and fail)

i hate their rr plot like? shelly cheating on devin and telling him via the single phone call was so contrived . their whole plot was contrived and i wish they were just homies. but they could definitely have a long term romantic relationship

duncney… yes but only in my aus.

in island, either courtney or duncan needed to be eliminated in basic straining bc it was the logical endpoint to their relationship. if they had lasted longer courtney would either start to turn punk or duncan would start to become more uptight for them to continue working longterm. nonetheless i love their summer romance and i can see them together at some point in the future when both of them are a little more laidback

zoke would not last forever. i dont see it. zoey and mike are each other’s first ever serious relationship and it’s fun and great but i do not see them lasting. they need other life experience away from each other. tho they might remain good friends

jashawn could POTENTIALLY last a long time they get back together in both endings.. but theyre still on shaky ground when and it easily could go either way

nemma… no. theyre super unstable. tho i will say they were cute if you dont care about noahs prior charaterization. noah is obsessed with her. emma is obsessed with the idea of being in a relationship. i love obsessive characters, but i believe relationships cannot work when someone is unable to see flaws in their partner(s)

gidgette. maybe. theyve been thru a lot together and i could see them getting married starting a surfing school etc you know how the 10 years later vids go

lyler. probably not. theyre cute together. they like each other. but long term? not seeing it.

samkota. i guess could work but mainly bc she is a mutant now . not that i dislike them as a couple but i really wish she wasnt now Mutant Forever

chris/larry FOREVER TOGETHER NOTHING CAN TEAR THEM APART

lesharold arent officially dating but they might in the future. have something.

scottney? honestly yeah i can see them together. they play off each other well

chase/emma Yes. abusively. bc emma doesnt know how to escape and cant see a life without chase

rajbow. theyre cute but it’s very new. seems more like a fling than anything long term but i might be convinced by the second season

OKAY this is probably all of them. all of the main canon ones. there are other non canon ships i could see working (evzy; rock/spud; pete/gerry; nowen; etc) but thats all for now !! thanks for the ask i love thinking about td. aleheather 4 life

#asks #total drama #td spoilers

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lightadarttomendyourheart · 11 months

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ive had this picture of who you were in my head for so long, a perfect picture. and most times you've made me like you more and more and the picture has remained perfect, but after amsterdam you changed that picture. i no longer think you're perfect and i know you're not, no one is, but that's really affected me.

the way you get so bothered by little things really bothers me. i'm such a positive person and i dont let little things get to me, and i thought you were the same, but you're not. the smallest inconvenience can set you off and tbh i just really dont like that. i know you're not perfect but idk. and the way you behaved at anjunadeep. i dont even want to talk about it, but it really altered my perception of who you are. and i know it's just part of getting to know each other because we really don't know each other like that, especially not in our bad moods. it's just the hotheadedness that threw me off so much. you're a nice person and i never thought we'd have a conversation or fight like that but we did. and wrapping my head around the fact that you're not exactly how i've always thought you were is what's bothering me the most. that that's a part of you. i hate it. i don't ever want to have a conversation with you like that again but i know we will. its inevitable. and i can't tell you this. i can't tell you i thought you were different and now i'm being proven wrong and that's what hurts the most. i dont want to tell you i'm worried about having fights like that again because i'm just scared of being hurt.

when we talked today i finally started almost feeling normal about us again. i know it would be so much easier if you were here. we could talk it out or just spend time together doing nothing and that would help me get over it. maybe its bad to say but you missing me so much and telling me and saying how much you like me and all that is helping. i switched to avoidant attached real quick. and i think you also made me realize, maybe you do like me more than i like you. or maybe i'm just more levelheaded about us. but either way, it's helping me get over it. idk how long it'll take me to fully get back to 100% like i was, but i hope i go back before xmas. i just also realized how young and immature you can be. you haven't lived life on your own, you've never had a serious longterm relationship. you've not had to deal with a lot of serious real world stuff that i think actually makes a big difference. you're kind of just a boy in a lot of aspects and realizing that is also putting me off. and again, i can't tell you that.

and i can't bring myself to return all the affection you're giving me. telling me you have jamie withdrawals and missing me more than last time. i do miss you, but if i'm being honest, it's not that much. not until we chatted today did i truly feel like i wanted you here with me since i've gotten back. maybe i just need more time and more space and i'll be myself again.

#personal

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kyovtani · 3 years

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morning zade. hope your day goes well, but i wanted to ask you this:

have you spoken about dilf!mattsukawa & his children yet? how they learn to love you too?

good morning sweet sora! hope youre foing okay and are taking care of yourself mwah mwah mwah

dilf!mattsun is dad to twin boys. they both have really strong yet different personalities and they really are his everything.

they know their dad is quite popular when it comes to women, neither one of them has ever made a big deal of his partners or dates or even the one night stands. after their mother had decided to move away and the boys wanted to stay with their dad, they kind of knew what to expect. they're also grown ass adults so they don't really have anything to say, too.

issei has a good relationship to his sons. he wants them to be as happy and safe as possible and knowing them well enough, he purposely waits a little to tell them about you. it's not because he's ashamed of bei g someone who's half his age and almost as old as his children, it's more because he wants them to get used to the thought of him in a longterm relationship.

the boys know their dad has someone he's really serious about, but they dont pressure him into introducing them to esch other because they want it to go st his own pace.

after almost a year, issei finally manages to get himself to actually invite you to dinner with the boys and it goes...exactly how you expected it to go.

neither one of the twins was impressed or the tiniest bit excited as soon as you walked into the living room; the difference in age more than just obvious and while they struggled to hide their emotions, you tried your best to keep things positive for issei's sake.

he definitely had to listen to a little speech sbout how dating someone so much younger isn't good or healthy or even "socially acceptable" as one of the twins told him but it doesn't take long for them to actually grow fond of you.

and quick forward another year later, you're the one the boys call when they need something because of how much they trust you and every time you talk about them, issei can't help but think about what it would be like to have a little one with you. and he's determined to make you like that idea because he's never wanted anything as bad as having you as the morher of his child.

#— dilfs and their kids #babies tw #children tw #pregnancy tw #large age gap tw

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dxmedstudent · 5 years

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hi dx! im really nervous but what on earth do you talk about while on a date? its on tuesday, and i dont want to seem like an airhead to them 😟

Hey, friend! That’s an excellent question! Fortunately, it’s something I’ve had a bit of experience with recently, so I and medblr can try to help. Is it a first date? I’ll assume so.

Before the date, you’ve usually already clarified what you both do, how old you are, and a little about yourselves like our hobbies and interests, but there’s still a lot you don’t know about each other. So I find that the best thing is to gain an idea of what you have in common before the date. This is partly why I like to message people for a little while before meeting; partly due to my timetable, but also so that when I meet a guy, I already have a good idea that we have lots in common, and there’s more to talk about. Most dating advice tends to tell people to meet quite soon after establishing contact, to avoid wasting too long if it turns out that you lack chemistry. But for me it really paid off to get to know people a bit first. Because that way I just didn’t meet people I felt I had little in common with, or couldn’t keep up a conversation with. This means that even the dates with no chemistry were still fun, even if I didn’t want to date those people again. But don’t worry if you haven’t! You can still get to ask those kinds of question on the date. Things like:

What do you do for a living? What do you love about it? What excites you most about your job right now? If you weren’t doing your current job, what would you have picked? Would you ever change jobs? Anything bothering you? (Try to focus on positives; they might not feel comfortable complaining to a cute stranger). There’s something attractive about someone who asks about your life, and just listens to what you have to say, so don’t underestimate the power of just listening on a date.

They’ll probably in turn ask you about your work or studies, which lets you share things that make you passionate; this could be ranting (I’m guilty as charged) or speaking positively, but it helps if you speak about things you feel strongly, but not bitterly about. People want to have fun on a first date, so gross work stories or ‘yeah, the NHS is busy’ are fine, but spending the entire date speaking negatively are less so.

What hobby are you into right now? What do you like most about it? How would you explain it to someone who’s never done it? People love talking about their interests. Not only is it a little hot to see them do so, but it also makes them feel fuzzy inside. Plus you might get to learn about some interesting hobbies, and it’ll tell you a lot about that person.

Don’t be afraid to share your hobbies or volunteer which interests you have; anyone who dates you needs to respect what you enjoy, so the first date is a perfect time to get that out of the way. They should be keen to find out more about the things you like, but also to accept them. Steer clear of anyone who appears judgemental or scoffs about your interests; they are not the one for you.

What do you both do to unwind or relax?

Favourite foods.

Favourite places; museums, cafes, etc. I even asked for suggestions for these kinds of things in my profile, because I love discovering new places, and I think where somoene loves to hang out can say a lot about them. Plus it gives you an idea of what you can do together.

Sharing memories of interesting places each person has been on holiday, particularly if recent. It gives you an idea of how they like to spend their holiday time, and how they take their fun. Talking about your dream holiday can also teach people a lot about what you like.

Cool things you’ve seen/done/read/watched recently. There’s something really exciting about listening to someone talk about things that interest them.

What you were like as a kid. Surprisingly funny to talk about, under the right circumstances.

Music and films are always a good topic, though having similar tastes doesn’t necessarily translate to similar in other arenas.

Sport, if you like sport. If like me, it’s not a big thing, then you don’t need to dwell on it, though it’s nice to get an idea of whether you have stuff like that in common.

Hopes and dreams for the future; not in a ‘kids and marriage’ way, but things like goals, or stuff that you’d like to do. Talking about things that make you happy, or things you hope to do can bring out the best in you, which is attractive on dates.

Show a sense of humor. Take those chances to make jokes.

Some people say avoid politics or religion, but actually if you’ve already got an idea of their political leanings or religious views (say from a dating site or previous convos), then I say go for it. There’s a high chance that you might both be disappointed, but it’s better to find out now that they are an anti-choice republican fundamentalist Christian sooner rather than later. That said, I often don’t raise these on first dates, though I usually throw in serious hints in my messages (and profile) that I’m very left leaning and not particularly religious. This won’t make it a ‘good’ date, but it can be a chance to cut your losses if you realise they feel very differently about the world.

Topics to avoid:

marriage, kids etc. Most people just aren’t certain about these initially, and certainly don’t have a clue if they want them any time soon with you. And frankly I feel it’s more appropriate to talk about later on, even if it’s explicitly on dating profiles to begin with. Even if my profile says I want both, I would run screaming in the other direction if a guy mentioned these on a first date or really early on in a relationship.

Your usual type. This comes up all the time on programmes like Dinner Date, but really? There’s no good answer. If you’re their type, you feel stereotyped. And if you’re not, you would worry that they don’t normally like people like you. Personally, I don’t really believe in having a type, but even if you do, it can so easily backfire if you talk about it.

How long they have been single. Avoid. Again, no good answer; too long and people are judgemental. Too short and you worry about being a rebound. I’ve had several guys tell me they’ve not dated in ages, or not had much luck on online dating, or just got out of a longterm relationship, and whilst I appreciated the honesty and they weren’t heavyhanded, it always worked better if it was at the end of a first date or after, once you’ve already got to know them a bit. It’s something that’s useful to know so you can tackle problems that arise if you start dating, but at first both of you want to focus on just seeing what you have in common and if there’s a spark.

Exes and previous relationships. No no no no no. When a person talks about his ex on a date, it’s a clear sign they are still processing things and probably need more time alone to get over it. I would not date a person (and have turned them down) for talking about recent exes in such a way that makes it feel that there’s still a lot to work through.

Nightmare online dating experiences. Uh, you don’t really want to imagine your crush seeing other people. And it’s not nice to dwell on negative experiences or each other seeing other people. Save these anecdotes for your friends. I personally find people who complain a lot about the dating process a real turn off. I was out there just trying to be optimistic and meet fun people, and it was always such a buzzkill when men were like ‘women never reply, online dating sucks, I have no luck with women!’. Save that for your friends, and for much later.

Sex. Unless you’re about to have sex, please leave it for when it’s an option. There’s something uncomfortable about people who bring it up really early on without any warning, or write about sex in their dating profile. Make sure that the other person is comfortably reciprocating and as flirty as you before you escalate the flirtation.

Generally being very negative. Life is hard, but you also owe it to anyone you date not to dump all your stuff on them, particularly when you are just starting out. Share a bit of your life, gradually, but leave discussing your major issues with friends or therapists for now.

I like to ask people about their work; what they enjoy, and what they do; I’ve learned a lot of interesting things about people’s jobs on first dates! It’s also quite attractive when you see someone fired up about things they care about. I also like to be honest about my work and my life, too; so much so that I subjected the poor guy I’m currently seeing to talk about death on not only the first date but also a few subsequent ones! It made sense in context, but it just goes to show that topics can be pretty varied. I’m sure you won’t come across as an airhead, but I think sharing the things you enjoy (or find challenging, or interesting anectotes) from work or school are a great way of showing that you’re passionate and switched on and have a rich and exciting life outside of dating. I also carefully introduce the realities of my work - not in my profile, but during the initial messages and/or first few dates (the odd shifts and being busy on weekends/evenings/nights, the exams, the moving around etc) early on; before I meet people, in fact. I didn’t take an apologetic tone; the key is to state it neutrally as a fact of your life and not something terrible, because dating you is a gift, not a terrible thing. It is then up to the other person as to whether they are OK with those things. The person who ends up with you will have to accept your life for what it is, just like you’ll have to decide if their idiosyncrasies and quirks are something you like, can accept, or are straight out dealbreakers for you. Hobbies are also a great topic; if you have any in common then that’s a surefire winner. Maybe most people don’t talk about museums, anime, Terry Pratchett and D&D on a first date, but I do and that worked out great because I’d already established with the guy that we had those interests in common, so we both ended up talking relaxedly about stuff we liked. I find that these topics usually made up the bulk of what I’ve discussed on first dates with people.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself; you’re not meant to be carrying the conversation on your own; the other person also has a responsibility to ask lots of fun questions, too! As long as you talk about things that make you passionate, and that you know stuff about, like your interests and what you do, I’m sure you won’t look like an airhead, because your interest and knowledge will shine through, whatever the topic under discussion. There’s this expectation that a first date is bad if there’s no chemistry, but that really isn’t necessarily true. I’ve had really interesting first dates with zero chemistry, just because the topics were entertaining in themselves and the people were smart and interesting. As long as you’re polite and make an effort to ask considerate and engaging quesitons, you’ll do great! Hope it goes well; let me know how you get on! :DI’m more than happy for others to add dating tips, since it’s always a useful topic for anyone looking to get into it, or back into it

#ask dx #askdx #dxdates #dx dates

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creemedicooke-blog · 5 years

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me/beliefs

I’m a 14 year old centrist/right wing, and these are what I’m for and against. (No offense to anyone else/my values do not hurt anyone)

ANTI MAP/NOMAP/PROMAP If you have the desire to touch kids, your time would be better spent touching the cold inside of a jail cell. All pedophelic relationships are abusive even if the person claims to be a “nomap.”

Anti tucute and transtrenders Mental illness is never something to ignore so you can have an “aesthetic.” You invalidate trans people who have struggled, and you are inherently sexist by further instilling that male and female is just a “culture” rather than the safety you feel in your body.

I am transmed Meaning I believe gender dysphoria is something in the brain, which can lead to a longterm feeling of discomfort in your body. I completely support those who want to help themselves and will back any trans person looking for surgery. The choice is theirs to make. Even though transmed technically implies surgery is needed, I will respect the persons pronouns even before they get surgery as long as they are considering it. Because I know three issues off the top of my head: it could be unsafe at their age, it could be unsafe due to familial reasons (transphobic parents), or they could want to consider it for years to make sure they don’t back track. There are also more reasons so of course no matter how long it takes, I will chose to use the pronouns they want.

I only believe in two genders. However, I accept those who do not wish to disclose their gender. I mean, it’s your private parts. Of course I won’t force you to talk about them and I hope you live the happiest life. I also totally understand those who wish to go by they/them, just ask me so I know to not misgender you.

I’m not a trump supporter

If I don’t know too much about a subject, I won’t talk about it but I am curious to learn someday. (This is why I won’t say I am or am not a Hillary fan. I actually never got to learn much about her therefore idk)

I do not like illegal immigration but DEPORTATION IS FUCKING ATROCIOUS. Here is the simplist way to explain why I don’t like illegal immigration: Imagine you work hard, and someone else slacks off and recieves a promotion. That's infuriating. But I now stretch this to a larger point, you work hard to make money to leave your country and go through the entire legal system tediously. Then another guy sneaks into the same new country doing zero of that work. Do I think the illegal immigrant should be punished though? Heavens no. Absolutely not. They could have been escaping poverty or war, drought or famine, a harsh family life, anything. And they could be an amazing person. I just think the legal way to immigrate should be made more open and friendly for people in rougher countries. I have nothing against the illegal immigrants themselves.

Anti terf An mtf who has gender dysphoria, a serious condition, is curing herself. Not robbing your three year old daughter’s tea set. Chill tf out, Sharon. And an ftm who has gender dysphoria, a serious condition, is curing himself, not writing “women have cooties” on your feminist pride parade sign and then ninja'ing into a male, Terri

“Radical” is the scariest word to hear before anything involving politics. I’m sick of “radical ___.” I believe compromising is much safer and a healthier viewpoint to live by than extremism of either side. This mindset shoukd stem from childhood with things like "sharing is caring."

Guns and clothing depicting real guns should not be allowed in schools, period. The gun part is a “no shit” moment, but if I could change the school dress code, I would add this rule and get rid of the truly bs “no crocs” rule.

I’m pro choice

I want to better the foster care/adoption system

Anti-anti vaxxers That kid’s life has been given to you and it asks for protection, not to model your ill-thought-out agenda.

Anti incels

Companies should be regulated to reduce pollution, and they should contribute to a greener earth.

If a company distributes paper or glass to an area, that same company must be willing to pay the price to make it recyclable at their plant. Otherwise, it cannot be in that area. This practice will be repeated until eco friendly companies begin popping up all around us.

In a perfect world, an opinion’s value is based on how well informed the person is of that opinion. Not on race, class, religion, gender, or orientation.

Bi/pan are the same, and if you prefer the term “pan” because of the spelling or flag, then alright. But like again, meaning wise, they are the same and the only difference is superficial.

I’m all for body positivity that supports people who have lost limbs, burn scars, or are recovering from an unhealthy lifestyle like anorexia, bulimia, or obesity. Body positive does not equal “oh you look beautiful killing yourself” so I personally would never congratulate someone for cutting themself, or severely under or over eating. I will offer help until they tell me they want to end it like this, in which case I wont force you to do something you don’t want me to.

Abusers should serve for half or more of their life! All if it lead to fucking suicide. Domestic, child, animal, relationship. Abuse is disgusting from mental to physical. Go ahead and block me if you believe abuse is not an issue.

Rape is one of the worst crimes in humanity. It can happen to anyone.

The three crimes I hate the most are MURDER, RAPE, and FALSE RAPE ACCUSATION. the first two are obvious, but the third one is up there for a good reason. False accusation means "fake." You are lying to fuck up somebody's life on purpose. A rape claim can damage somebody throughout their entire life and that's not even the end of the problem with it. You invalidate true rape claims. You think rape is such a sweet little subject that's so "fun" to toy with. And you know what? Fuck you with all of these murderers and rapists and abusers.

Though I am not anti-gun, more control is needed. For example, training, liscenses, harsher punishments to those who obtain a gun by illegal means, and a gun should not be carried outside of your household unless you have a specific reason for that too. Like a farmer, police dude, or hunter

Do not slut shame prostitutes.

Making prostitution illegal only makes it harder for these people to seek help and get other jobs. It does not end prostitution.

Marijuana is not a criminal offence, quit locking people up for it.

Tax is not that hard to write on the damn price tag. Please mark it as $5.12 if it really isn’t $4.99

Gender dysphoria is a valid health issue so trans people should still (and always) be supported in the military.

There should be more sidewalks. And bridges that go over roads with ramps for people in wheelchairs or strollers, this is to reduce car emissions from the car needing to stop, and even better, it reduces the chance of a young child being hit at a crosswalk. Getting around by foot will be so much easier.

These are the most important things to teach in school

-how to prevent stds

-mental health

-why vaccines are safe

-how to get a job

-how to take care of your home and life after you're 18

-the core subjects

-civil rights movement in full detail so the newer generations are impacted by the struggle and where we are now in america

-secondary language

-world cultures

(This is just what i can think of off the top of my head)

You dont have to block me if you disagree. Infact, im open to anyone who wants to be friends. I dont care if we're different politically because thats not the first thing i see abour people. If you want to debate with me then lets do it. Also if you have questions, hmu. :)

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wnq-psychology · 7 years

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How To Build Your Self Esteem

step away from the affirmations

“To be healthy, functioning individuals, we need to feel good about ourselves. To feel good about ourselves, we need to feel that our time and energy is spent meaningfully. Meaning is the fuel of our minds. When you run out of it, everything else stops working.”

Most of us struggle with self esteem. Many of us are fortunate enough to realize this, and some of us care enough to try to fix it.

The problem, however, is with the majority of the resources available to us — especially online. I am pretty sure these articles are 100% written by people who have serious self esteem issues, regurgitated from everyone else who has self esteem issues, on down the cycle to readers with self esteem issues, who think it’s just their fault for not being able to apply them and successfully boost their self esteem.

But of course not. Because none of this is how self esteem works.

First, let’s talk about what self esteem ISN’T:

Self esteem is not selfishness or narcissism

Having to say this makes me impatient, because if people don’t innately “get it,” they fight it blindly, emotionally, tooth and nail. And I understand, because there are a lot of emotions on the line here (see: entire post) so I’m just going to tread lightly and quickly when I say:

Self love and self esteem are not selfishness.

On the contrary, selfish people have desperately low self esteem and self love, which is why they overcompensate, demand, and have nothing left to give others.

Self esteem is not a series of “dont’s”

Most self esteem articles cheerily suggest things like, “Don’t have the negative self talk. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t put yourself down. Don’t doubt yourself,” like “just don’t have low self-esteem!”

These aren’t solutions.

The brain struggles with the word “don’t,” and when you focus on the negative, you’re still focusing on the thing. The brain interprets the sentence as an imperative, like: “ah, okay, negative self talk. Got it!” The brain is baby Groot.

The way we talk to ourself is a reflection of self esteem, not the root. It’s effect, not cause. It helps, of course, but it’s not the core. And fixing the core will fix the way we think and talk about ourselves.

Nature abhors a vacuum. If you don’t have something positive at the ready, the old stuff will just rush back in.

Self esteem does not come from others

It’s not anyone’s job to make you feel good about yourself. It can only come from you.

Some articles suggest that readers should “learn to accept compliments” — several even went so far as to suggest that you approach others and “ask them what they like about you.”

Trying to build self esteem through “others’ compliments” is like trying to learn how to walk by being carried.

Only you control of your self-acceptance and self-love.

Self esteem is not in “self help”

This is just an extension of the above.

Self help reinforces perceptions of inferiority and shame. It plays on insecurities and fabricates solutions that don’t serve real needs. It encourages avoidance.

It’s like how MayoClinic convinces us we’re dying more than it actually, directly remedies health problems. Engaging will eventually make us absorb all these negatives. We are not more powerful than what we give attention.

Self help just replaces one external influence for another. We’re still grasping for some authority figure, some omnipotent voice, to tell us what to do.

This of course includes this very post. Which is ironic, but at least honest and warm-hearted, because I wrote this only after doing tons of similar reading myself, and I write hoping we all resolve this.

Self help will never help

When I was getting my business off the ground, in the 3 dark months of “white noise” after quitting my job but before getting my first customer, isolated and running mostly on “faith” alone, someone asked me, “what kind of music do you listen to during the day?” I told them, “on good days, upbeat music. On bad days, chill music. And I know it’s an ugly day when I resort to motivational videos on YouTube.”

Those videos got me nowhere — except maybe through the day.

You want to know what finally kicked my self esteem back into gear? When I started making sales. Once that happened, I never watched another motivational, “self-help” video.

Self esteem is not about “pampering”

My god, if we could all stop with the “indulgences” and “little day to day pleasures;” if only we could stop thinking “self love” is about “treating ourselves,” or “scheduling time every day for fun and relaxation.”

Heidi Priebe said it best,

“Real self-love isn’t about ‘treating yourself’… because real self-love is less about babying yourself and more about parenting yourself.”

Good parents don’t indulge children with candy each time they cry. Good parents support, teach coping mechanisms, and gently encourage growth.

This is what loving ourselves means as well. It’s not about daily indulgences. It’s identifying and pursuing our longterm values.

Self esteem is not about affirmations

Fuck writing down all your best qualities.

I don’t know who came up with this terrible advice, but it’s pretty much useless. Consider, for a moment, the most genuinely confident person you know — do they sit down every day and write down their best qualities? Maybe they do, but I doubt it.

Confident people don’t do this. And people don’t magically become confident doing it. Only self-doubting people get stuck in this compulsive loop.

Self love is not about affirmations.

As Heidi Priebe wrote,

“Claiming to love yourself and actually doing the hard work of loving yourself are not the same thing… You can repeat a thousand affirmations an hour, write a limitless number of blog posts about how you’re worthy of love and stick millions of post-it notes reminding yourself how awesome you are on every mirror in your house, but that only gets you 10% of the way to self-love.”

Except it’s more like 0%.

The real solution is: agency, awareness, authenticity, and action.

What self esteem IS:

Step 1.) Self esteem is agency

Self love is taking responsibility.

So many terrible articles encourage readers to keep self esteem at the mercy of external forces, prompting them to “think about what is affecting your self-esteem,” and suggesting “your confidence may have been lowered after a difficult experience or series of negative life event, such as: being bullied or abused, losing your job or difficulty finding employment, ongoing stress physical illness, mental health problems, a difficult relationship, separation or divorce.”

No. To this entire list: no.

I’m not saying that bad shit didn’t happen to you — it probably did. Because bad things happens to everyone. But life isn’t about playing the victim, or comparing notes on who suffered most. Life has negatives in the cards for everyone — even the most confident people you know — and the only difference between those with self esteem and those without it is that the first group chose to take responsibility for their lives, their responses, and their actions.

So when it comes to thinking about “what is affecting your self-esteem,” the answer is always “you.”

You are in control of your self esteem. That’s the entire list, beginning to end.

you are in charge. you are in charge. you. are. in. charge.

Step 2.) Self esteem is awareness

This is super important, and we don’t talk about it enough.

Get out of your damn head. Be present.

Stop slipping away. Stop shutting down. Stop freezing and falling silent any time you’re uncomfortable, or unsure, or anxious. Stop reminiscing on the past, or thinking about the future, or wandering around, mentally, anywhere that you actually aren’t.

I wrote pretty openly about struggling with this myself, and the fact that I’m currently working on it, so I speak from a place of empathy and love.

We do this is because we’ve learned that “shutting down” offers security — it’s “easier” if we don’t engage; we think there’s less risk.

But what we give up in exchange every time we do this is moments of our own lives. Which is why, in those brief moments we pull our head out of the sand, we’re filled with panic to realize we don’t like what we’re living. But then most of us respond by seeking reassurance (see “self help,” above — “you can do it!”) or solutions we don’t take, and ultimately shut it back down.

The first step? Awareness of your breathing. Second, awareness of your body in space; what you’re physically feeling. From there, you’ll become more aware of what you’re emotionally feeling as well. Accept these emotions as they come to you.

Wake up. Be aware of what you’re doing and where you are all the time. And most importantly: be aware of what you feel and think about it…

Step 3.) Self esteem is authenticity

It’s knowing what we actually want.

This is probably the hardest part. It’s also really important.

Because “nature abhors a vacuum,” if self esteem isn’t coming from external sources, but us instead, then we have to do the work of identifying what wewant and need — in that vacuum, without regard to others. (Note: just like the “selfish” section, that is not meant to read as “without regard for others.” We should still be considerate. But able to say what we want (or think or feel or need) without having to first ask, “well but what do others want?”)

Self esteem is answering “what do I think?” without first asking “what do others think?” This is harder than people realize, especially because it’s so ingrained.

I was recently thinking about what I wanted to do for Valentine’s Day, and initially could not answer this question— did I really want to go to dinner, or did I just like the way that sounded? Did I really want flowers, or did I just hope they’d serve as some security; some certainty that this was special? Did I really even want to do anything? Sometimes we do things we don’t evenreally want, but doing what “sounds good” saves us the risk of regretting having not done something come the morning of the 15th.

(In the end, what I wanted was a cookie from our favorite local bakery. We go together all the time and they put out these seasonal designs that are so adorable I could die. And then, like a good partner, I said in clear words that that’s what I wanted.)

We do this with everything. We pick where to travel, what to buy, and where to eat based on other people — our order at restaurants is influenced by others’, and we eat more in the presence of people we’re trying to impress. We often choose clothing, cars, houses, and hobbies couched in “what others think.” And sadly, we often even choose jobs and partners this way.

Sometimes we’re asked: “What would you do if you could not fail?”

And that’s great, but an equally great question is: “What would you do if you could not tell or be told by anyone?”

Would you get married if you had to go on telling people you weren’t? Would you drive the same car if nobody saw? Would you do the same thing on your weekends if you couldn’t frame it up as “how it retells on Monday morning?” Would you vacation in the same places if nobody knew?

Would you still be doing the same job and have the same partner if you had to tell people you had a totally different job and partner, both of which they deemed “unimpressive?”

What do you want? Not just in the moment, but in the long-run. What areyour values? What is your version of long-term happiness?

If that’s too hard or scary to speculate: start with a chunk of lifestyle now. Not your leisure time, but your actual life. When, for example, are you happiest at work? If your answer has anything to do with others (i.e., “when I get recognition,” “when I get a raise,” “when I win a deal,” or “when I help others,” you need to look again, for answers that serve you.) Maybe you don’t even like your work. That’s for you to explore.

If you’re struggling here and you just want more “help” on “how to do it:” you are missing the point entirely (and probably also missing the alarm bell that should be going off in your head.) This work fundamentally cannot be done by anyone else. This work is you. Do the work.

If you are so far gone that you still feel lost knowing what you want onany level: you skipped self awareness. You’re not paying attention. See “step 2” for further instruction.

Skipping this step is why “just do it!” doesn’t help

Our struggle (and reluctance) to find answers is why “advice” like “just do it!” or “just try things and see what you like” is met with apprehension at best, and disaster at worst. (If you aren’t in touch with what you actually want, and what your happiness feels like, there’s no way of even knowing if you like what you’re trying, and without this skill set, you’ll just keep falling back on “but it sounds cool” or “it’s what people do.”)

You can’t know what you love if you don’t know what love feels like, and you’re so out of touch with your own feelings you don’t know what it is.

We have to actually know who the hell we are, and what we want. Experimenting and taking action is second-grade reading level and we’re still learning letters over here.

Step 4.) Self esteem is action

Only once you understand what you want — what really makes you happy — in the long run.

Action is about making decisions. It’s about committing. It’s about choice and assertiveness and asking for the things we want and need. It’s about taking steps, and thinking, and coming to our conclusions — and then verbalizing them.

It’s also about being aware. It’s about being alert and awake and active in our own lives — not passive, compliant, or submissive.

As Nathaniel Branden wrote in “How to Raise Your Self Esteem,”

“Living consciously means taking responsibility for the awareness appropriate to the action in which we are engaged. This, above all, is the foundation of self confidence and self-respect.”

Or, to be slightly more clear,

“The difference between low self-esteem and high self-esteem is the difference between passivity and action.”

But knowing what action to take requires knowing what we want, outside of what others want — i.e., authenticity — which requires that we take full responsibility for our lives. Which requires that we dump all of the bad assumptions and models around self love, take agency in-house, and start to build self-fueling fire of our own desire.

About The Author:

Kris Gage

Motorcyclist, Software Manager, Drink-Slinger of the South 🍻

Reach out: http://bit.ly/2CXgcv5

#Self Improvement #Happiness #Love #Relationships #Dating

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