#I know it’s not true but sometimes I feel like if I didn’t have anxiety I would not suffer at all | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

withleeknow · 16 days ago

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wishful thinking. (08)

chapter eight: ships in the night

summary: the instruction was plain and simple: no strings attached. but you should’ve known from the beginning that it could never apply to you and him.

pairing: minho x f!reader rating: 18+ (minors dni) genres/warnings: friends to lovers, friends with benefits au, college au; fluff, angst, smut; i’ve been told this is the angstiest chapter yet saur yk you’ve been warned, mentions of past seggsy times, oc is self-deprecating self-sabotaging, oc has an anxiety attack in this one, erhm just Big Sad overall methinks, also could've been more edited but i am a godless monster word count: 7.2k note: wt is backkkkkk!! and it's the penultimate chapter omg :( lowkey nervous about how this is gonna be perceived bc i feel like my brand is Sad™️ and i haven't properly written anything Sad™️ in a WHILE. but yeah, wt8 is yours now have funnn. also ty chessica @matchannie for proofreading!!

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

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Sorry, I know that comment wasn’t funny Just wanted you to love me, but I didn’t go about it right Sometimes the best advice that I can give Is to bite my lip and listen with my big fat mouth shut tight

big fat mouth - Arlie

You don’t think you can ever forget the look on his face, the hurt in his eyes when the words had tumbled out of your mouth in a panicked frenzy. The regret was immediate, but so was the damage.

Saying things you didn’t mean, watching Minho so utterly defeated that it kills you, and the deafening silence after he had walked away from you on heavy footsteps – you can’t describe how it all felt that night. It’s just… sinking, and sinking, and sinking; endlessly spiraling in an ocean of your own guilt and despair. It’s true what they say – misery loves company.

Distractions don’t work, because whenever that overwhelming dread eases by even a fraction, you’re once again reminded by the bracelet that’s wrapped around your wrist with the tiny dove charm hanging on the side. Neither of you paid it any mind the other night, that much is clear.

You know you should return it to him eventually; it’s never belonged to you and it never will. But every time you go to take it off, you can’t bring yourself to simply undo the clasp and hide the bracelet somewhere you can’t see. It lets you delude yourself into thinking that you haven’t lost him even after what you said, even after you stomped on his heart and left it bleeding where you stood.

You’d been upset, thinking that you were the only one falling, terrified that you’d crash headfirst into the cold, hard ground because there’d be nobody to catch you. And yet, when Minho told you he loved you, it provided you no relief at all. The fear magnified tenfold, taking over you until you couldn’t see straight, until it consumed you whole.

Home is something you find, and you’ve found it in him. Your sun and your spring and your home, and everything good that you can ever name.

All your life, something is always missing, an empty space that you never learned how to fill. Like when you exit a room and there’s a nagging feeling in your gut telling you that you’ve forgotten something even though all of your belongings are accounted for. Like when you lose your favorite ring, one that’s a little too loose but beloved anyway, slipping over your knuckle without your permission and disappearing forever, and you keep running your fingers over where the golden band used to be until you come to terms with the fact that it’s never coming back and you’ll spend the rest of your life mourning the loss of that familiarity.

You’ve always looked for things you lost in places you’ve never been.

You just want to go home, but you know you’ll only ruin it in the end.

The problem has never been Minho or anybody else. It’s you, and how there’s something intrinsically wrong with you. You paint the ending before there’s even a beginning. You’d rather run and hide than let yourself feel anything, because if there’s happiness then there’s going to be hurt inevitably.

You don’t want him to wake up one day and look at you like you’re a stranger, to realize that he’s wasted his time and effort, that you just weren’t worth it after all.

It’s funny how, when you’re a child, time seems to move so quickly. One minute, you’re four, maybe five years old, and your mother is refusing to speak to you because she thinks you ruined one of her bags, a large scratch running along the otherwise smooth leather surface like it’s been met with a pair of scissors or simply accumulated on her way to work and she hadn’t noticed until she got home and you happened to be in the vicinity of her anger; the next, she’s letting you relish in all your favorite desserts, cavities be damned.

One minute, you’re being rushed to the hospital with a bad case of food poisoning, your parents staring down at you as if you’re actually about to die; the next, you’re already at home, watching cartoons that you couldn’t understand but you like anyway because they’re full of pretty colors and princesses and fairies.

You don’t remember how your mother came to forgive you for the bag even though it wasn’t your fault, or what the hospital felt like or if what the doctors and nurses did to make you feel better even hurt. You only know that you wish to return to a smaller version of yourself whose memories you can’t even recall, return to a time in which you once so desperately wanted to escape from.

Now, when you’re hurt, time doesn’t pass in a blink of an eye like it used to. It stands still, sucks you down a vortex and makes you feel everything.

No one ever really warns you about growing pains, that they’re unavoidable no matter how hard you try to avoid them, that they can last a lifetime because you never really stop growing, and it never really seems to ache any less.

Hyunjin: Attachment: 1 Image. Hyunjin: i sent this one in Hyunjin: u??

You’d almost forgotten about the exhibition until Hyunjin had sent you those texts. Even though you’re not one to neglect deadlines, you suppose it’s fairly reasonable that this one in particular had slipped your mind. You haven’t really been able to wrap your head around that many things after all.

Every semester, yours and Hyunjin’s department rents out a gallery near campus for a whole week to showcase students’ works. It’s nothing exclusive, nothing like a competition where they pit a couple hundred kids against each other just for a spot at a fancy art gallery. Almost anyone in the Faculty of Arts can register before the submission deadline, and you suppose that’s another reason why you’d overlooked it so easily – because you didn’t earn it. It didn’t feel special. It was just another meaningless event to attend.

Regardless, you spent a chunk of an afternoon pondering your selection though it didn’t matter that much, almost two hours dedicated to picking out paintings you realized you didn’t love. Some you even turned out to hate, even though you could remember the pride radiating from you the moments the canvas had felt the last brush stroke. Maybe the glamor eventually wore off, the momentary high that coursed through you when you’d shown your finished works to your professors and peers, and received showers of praise in return.

The piece you chose in the end wasn’t your favorite by any means, but it was one of the only pieces you could still bear to look at without nitpicking too much. It was a painting of the waters, and you’ve always loved the waters.

You could recall the day you went to the promenade by yourself with a need to be away from everyone and everything, and an overshirt that was too light to combat the September evening chill as summer transitioned into fall. You watched the sky slowly darken after the sun had disappeared from view, watched as the buildings on the other side of the river lit up one by one until they made up for the light that retired for the day.

The thin layers made you shiver – the consequence of your poor choice in clothing that night – but there was something about sitting by the waterfront after dark, kicking pebbles around underneath your feet, and the gentle caress of the wind on your face and your hair that made the cold feel welcoming. You always thought the city was more beautiful at night, more calming amidst all of its perpetual chaos. It made you feel like you were inside a dream long forgotten, took you back to a north star that you left to gather dust on an abandoned shelf.

You could recall wanting to dive into that dream again, a dream in which you could chase a perfect version of you that would never exist and find light at the end of the tunnel, instead of returning to the reality where you always wound up suffocating in darkness. You wanted to be free, free from the noise and free from your own life despite one simple truth that you knew all too well – that you could run but never from yourself.

When you were young, it’s the moon that used to follow you everywhere. As you get older, it’s all of the things that keep you up at night.

You could recall your phone buzzing to life in your bag with Minho’s name on the screen, like a sign from the universe saying “Hey, this one’s for you. Don’t drown. You have a lighthouse.” and it was as though he could sense that you were falling, like someone had tied your heart to a rock and threw it into the very river in front of you to sink to the bottom. Your friends often said he had some sort of sixth sense when it came to you. Maybe there was some truth in that.

His voice pulled you out of it, even though he only called to ask if you wanted to come over and eat the boatload of food his mom had sent. He made you want to disappear a little less and in that moment, it was enough.

You left your hiding place to go to him, to lose yourself in stupid jokes and not-too-sweet desserts even if it was only for a couple hours. And when you returned home that night, everything spilled onto the canvas just from memory alone, from the feeling that you were desperately clinging onto with your shaking hands.

You always thought you could only run away to places. You didn’t know people could be escapes too, and somewhere along the way, that was what Minho became to you — your treasured escape, your new hiding place.

You manage to avoid everyone – with the exception of Hyunjin; you do have to see him in class after all – over the two and a half weeks leading up to the exhibition, drumming up excuse after excuse to bail whenever any of them asks to grab a bite together or just to simply hang out. If they saw you, they’d notice your puffy eyes and ask if you’ve been crying. They would ask why, and you can’t find in yourself to make up a lie believable enough for that kind of question.

You think Hyunjin has noticed. He’s a bit of an idiot sometimes, but he’s not stupid and he’s still blessed with the gift of sight. He doesn’t mention anything though, despite you showing up to almost every class with puffy eyelids. You suppose you’re grateful for that.

Minho hasn’t talked to you at all since that night. Doesn’t ask you how your project’s going, doesn’t ask you about the exhibition, barely even speaks in the group chat, not even a boring comment about the weather. What were you expecting anyway? You get it, you do.

But despite the silence, you never doubted that he would show up to the exhibition. If not for you, then he would be there to support Hyunjin.

The only person who really has an inkling that something is wrong is Jess, when you were getting ready together earlier tonight and she helped you conceal your puffy eyes. She’d tiptoed around the question before settling on asking “Everything okay?” — simple, easy, quickly dismissible if you didn’t feel like sharing.

You didn’t, and she dropped the subject because there was no point in badgering you for answers anyway.

Chan picked the both of you up afterward, and Jess didn’t have to explain anything to him when she slipped into the backseat with you instead of riding next to her boyfriend.

Now here you are, standing in a room full of your friends and peers, wearing a black dress that Jess helped you choose, and Minho is nowhere to be found. You’d spent all day pacing around, anxious at the mere thought of seeing him and even talking to him. What you hadn’t anticipated was the disappointment, the unbearable feeling in the pit of your stomach in response to his absence. You can’t tell which is worse; maybe every moment without him all sucks the same.

When Hyunjin starts whining and takes out his phone to spam Minho’s messages demanding his location (you’re thankful that it didn’t have to come to you), all he receives in return is a measly “Running late.”

And that’s it. A mere text is enough to satiate everyone’s curiosity. Well, everyone but Hyunjin, because he’s still a nagging drama queen.

Minho is running late, and to anyone else, it’s the most normal thing in the world.

But to you… it means something beyond that. Because this was him. This was your Minho. Your Minho who’s never been known for his tardiness, who’s never once broken a promise, who’s always there for you no matter what.

All you know right now is his absence, and it makes you sink.

You sink, and then you wait. Not a lot to be done about it.

You slip away to a quiet spot, a vacant hallway, to be by yourself while everyone is out there wandering around and gorging themselves on the free food and drinks. You shouldn’t be with them anyway. All you need is to wallow in peace and not be the black cloud hanging over everybody’s heads.

There’s something so incredibly lonely in the act of waiting. Waiting to board a plane, waiting in line at the grocery store. Waiting for a phone call or text message that you know won’t come, waiting for a person whom you can only hope would show up. At the end of the day, that’s what waiting is, isn’t it? It’s wanting. It’s hoping, and if there’s one thing you know about hope, it’s that it’s dangerous.

You wonder if this is how Minho felt all this time, waiting on a girl who’s always prepared to leave. You wonder if, that night, he had expected you to reciprocate his feelings. You did. You do, and a part of you wanted to tell him that you loved him too. The words were there, and yet…

It’s true that you love him, and it’s true that you don’t want to. If hope is dangerous then love is fucking terrifying.

He’d been so patient with you, so awfully gentle and quiet in the chasm of his waiting that you mistook the tenderness for everything except for what it actually was – love. Or perhaps you did know. Maybe deep down, you knew that you would’ve loved him back with everything you had, with every fiber of your being. That you would’ve let him be the only one to ever really know you, and it felt like a fear greater than you could bear.

In the end, did you lose him? Can you lose something you never had? It wasn’t a love that you let slip away; it was a what if.

You’re in a room with people who love you and yet, all you can think about is Minho. You miss him so much that it feels like someone has spliced you in two, that it physically makes you ache every second that he isn’t with you. As selfish as it sounds, you want him to walk through the door and you want everything to be okay again. You want to be back in a bubble with just the two of you and a locked box filled with words unsaid. You thought you could stay in that bubble forever, where it was safe and you could pretend that you were happy, and maybe you really were happy with him. But all things — good or bad — must come to an end. The bubble burst, and this was the real world.

You want to undo your cruelty, want him to take back his sincerity. You want an ocean of distance between you and him, you want to pull him as close as humanly possible. All your wants are contradictions. You’re a paradox of puzzle pieces that never seem to fit together.

You want to tell him that it hurts. Want him to make it better because he’s the only one who can make it better.

But miracles rarely happen and there are no shooting stars in sight. Minho was the closest thing you got to a shooting star, burning across your night sky for just a brief moment. Blink and you could miss it. Blink and you did miss him.

Your fingers find his contact in your phone before you could stop yourself, and soon enough, you’re pressing the call button. It’s like drunk dialling, only you aren’t intoxicated. Or maybe you are; maybe you’re under the influence of his absence and how much it stings.

You don’t know why you’re calling him, don’t know what to even say when he picks up.

Thankfully, you don’t have to wonder for long.

“Your call has been forwarded to voicemail. Please leave your message after the tone,” comes the automated voice on the other end.

For some reason, you don’t hang up. You wait for the beep, then you wait some more. It’s not until ten seconds later that you find your voice, the only thing to come out of your mouth is a quiet Hey.

You clear your throat, rub the sweaty palm of your free hand on your dress. “Hey,” you try again. “It’s… me. I’m at the gallery with everyone. Uhm, they’re all waiting for you. Are you on your way? Are you stuck in traffic? Or did you forget it was today? Hyunjin is trying really hard not to blow up your phone–” You pause to chuckle dryly. “But you know it would mean a lot to him to have you here. It… it’d mean a lot to me too if you were here. I don’t know, I assumed you’d come. I’m sorry, that was stupid of me. I just…” Another pause. This time, it’s so that you could take a breath. “Listen, Minho, I didn’t mean what I said to you. I’m sorry I was an asshole. I’m sorry that I hurt you, I don’t have any excuse for that. You deserve better than me. It’s going to pass, you know? I’m sorry if you’ve wasted your time on me, but… you’re going to find someone else, and you’re going to get over it. I’m sorry I fucked everything up. It’s fine if you never want to talk to me again, just please don’t let it get between you and our fr–”

The line beeps again. “To replay the message, press 1. To save the message, press 2. To delete the message, press 3.”

You purse your lips together. There’s still a lump in your throat and no peace to be made. It’s like drunk dialling, only you pull yourself together at the very last second. Your thumb hovers over the dial pad on your phone until you eventually end up on 3, because your cowardice will always triumph in the end. Back to square one. Everything’s still the same as it was five minutes ago.

You force your legs to move, like how you'd force yourself to get up and eat and drink water and shower and be a person these days. When you round the corner, you bump against something solid. A person. The collision isn’t hard enough to knock you backward; they weren’t moving, they’d only been standing still.

You look up at Seungmin, who merely blinks at you. You don’t know how long he’s been here, if he heard anything at all. You swallow once, considering whether you should just play dumb and gauge his reaction or ask point blank if you’ve been caught. He beats you to the decision though.

“You and Minho,” Seungmin says, a bit hesitant, like the topic is weird to bring up. “You’re the girl.”

A deer in headlights, you are. A pathetic one at that, too.

But even then, you’re not panicked, not really. You’re just sad, and the truth was bound to come out eventually.

“Please don’t tell anyone,” you say.

The discarded voicemail that he overheard, the dejection written all over your face, the silence from both you and Minho recently — it’s obvious to pretty much everyone, and Seungmin is smarter than most.

He opens his mouth and shuts it again like he’s choosing his words. The Seungmin-esque blank stare melting away to make space for some pity, then a question, “Is there anything left to tell?”

You escape to the empty garden in the back where there were a few lonely chairs set up, so you could have some privacy to talk. Despite everything, it feels like you’ve got a little breathing space, just being able to share this with someone. To not have to carry it all on your own. You’re glad that it was Seungmin who found out first. You have a feeling that he would understand, at least to some degree. You’re relieved, even when the first question that he asks is, “So, how did you fuck it up?”

“Why do you just automatically assume it was me?” You’re mildly offended, even though he’s right.

“Between you and Minho, I’d bet on you.” Seungmin shrugs. “You spook easily.”

“I deeply resent that notion.”

He turns to look at you, no trace of any teasing. “Can you prove me wrong?”

But you can’t, and it tells him as much when you avert his eyes in favor of the ground, where you kick at a lonesome pebble sitting among the grass. It lands somewhere between the green blades, lost in the shadows that cast over parts of the garden that are poorly lit.

“So what happened?” he asks, turning away again to stare out at the empty space. You like to think of it as him giving you some elbow room, to ease the pressure of being scrutinized. And as much as you appreciate it, it still takes you another brief moment before you can formulate a coherent sentence, another minute of twiddling your fingers in your lap.

You tell Seungmin about your first night with Minho – not the details, of course; that would be weird and it’s none of his business. Just that it happened, how you both let it keep happening over the past few months while nobody suspected a thing.

Seungmin nods solemnly, like he’s putting together the missing pieces.

“Did you ever notice anything?” you ask.

“I mean… not about you hooking up, but we thought you’d end up together eventually.” He shrugs. “We always kinda assumed that you two would become those people who make a pact to get married if you’re still single by 40 or 50, if you didn’t get together before then. It makes sense. You and Minho just sort of make sense.”

“Oh,” you say. Your heart swoops. Hearing it from Seungmin makes you sad. Not the same brand of sadness that you’ve been wearing lately though. A different kind, the kind of sadness that’s a little numbing and makes it difficult to breathe. “Well, sorry to disappoint everyone but I don’t think any of it is gonna happen anymore.”

“So… how did it happen?” Seungmin asks again, mimicking explosions with his hands.

You let him off easy without a punch in the shoulder, because you just really don’t have the energy for it right now. “Minho wanted something more,” you tell your friend, fiddling with the rings on your fingers, then with the necklace charm resting on your collarbone. “And I just… I don’t know. I guess I freaked. I… said some awful stuff to him.”

Seungmin hums a sound of acknowledgement. He looks like he’s thinking about it, about you and Minho and what it means. “Classic,” he chuckles after a brief moment, mostly to himself. Maybe he’s thinking about what it means beyond just the pair of you too.

You side-eye him. “You’d know all about it, wouldn’t you?”

He shoots the glance back at you. “What are you trying to say here?”

You remember her, the only girl that Seungmin has ever hinted at liking. He never admitted it out loud to any of you, but you could all see it.

You only used to see her in passing at house parties, and even then, it wasn’t Seungmin nor her who brought the other one around. They would show up separately with their own group, mingle for a while, find each other after a couple of drinks before they disappeared to god-knows-where for the rest of the night. Sometimes, Changbin or Hyunjin would catch them before they could sneak off and insist that Seungmin let everyone get to know his friend.

These brief interactions are all you have with her, meaningless small talk for a few minutes before Seungmin’s patience ran thin and he whisked her away like they’d both intended. You liked her; she was nice, and she was really pretty. You liked her even though you didn’t know her, because she was the one person who Seungmin cared about enough to keep away from prying eyes. A secret shared only between the two of them, a bubble in which only they existed.

The last time you saw her with him must’ve been at least three months ago, maybe even longer. No one really knows what happened, just that she stopped showing up to parties, and Seungmin never brought it up again. You all assumed whatever he had going on with her had run its course, though it doesn’t really stop Hyunjin and Jisung from mentioning her every now and again just to tease him.

“I seem to recall a Halloween party last year and a certain someone was in a bee costume and–”

“Fine,” Seungmin interjects, rolling his eyes. “Fine, we can form our own dumbass club. Happy?”

You laugh a little, even though the whole thing isn’t very funny. Your shared experience is nothing to take pride in.

“So how did you blow it up?” you ask.

He gives you a sour glare before his eyes soften. He doesn’t say anything for a while, and in his silence you find that you and him are more similar in ways that you’ve never cared enough to admit before. This sadness that you carry, you have a feeling that he knows it all too well.

“Like I said, classic,” Seungmin tells you. “She wanted something more. I freaked. I ghosted her.”

A mirror. Two sides of the same stupid coin.

You lean back against your seat. “Did you like her?”

It takes a beat, but his answer comes out as an honest, “Yeah, I liked her. Liked her too much.”

“Why did you do that to her then?”

“Why did you do that to Minho?” Seungmin deadpans, but he doesn’t seem to want a response from you. He just sighs, wistfully adding, “I’ve thought about it a lot. It’s scary to be wanted because it means someone’s putting you on a pedestal, and when you’re on a pedestal, the more it’ll hurt if you fall off. The more they’re counting on you to not let them down, the easier it is to fuck it all up. People like us, we’re flight risks. We can’t help it. We think it’s better to just leave before we can do any real damage. When you said whatever terrible shit you said to Minho, that was the first thing you thought about, right? To be cruel? That’s what I did too. Such a fucking stupid knee-jerk reaction.”

You don’t know how to respond, so you just sit there, completely still.

Then Seungmin turns to you, and for the first time in all the years that you’ve known him, he’s looking at you, really looking at you. No snarky side-eye, no playful faux glare. Just a strange and unfamiliar sincerity, like he’s asking you to fix what he couldn’t, undo the cruelty that he never bothered apologizing for.

“Minho would understand, you know? If you’d just talk to him,” Seungmin says. “You made a mistake in the heat of the moment. But you want to have something real with him, don’t you? Otherwise you wouldn’t be here talking to me about this and beating yourself up over it.”

“I told you. That ship sailed.” And you’re standing up for no apparent reason other than the fact that you’re suddenly restless, your stomach twisting in knots out of nowhere. “He’s not even here. He didn’t even show up tonight. I think that’s saying enough.”

Your friend rises to his feet too, probably because he thinks it’s weird to be the only one sitting now while you’re upset and pacing about. It’s not until Seungmin takes a step closer that you realize you’re shaking a little.

“Hey, you good?” He puts a hand on your shoulder. “I talked to Minho yesterday. He said he’d come. Maybe something came up or he just–”

Hyunjin’s voice interrupts Seungmin in the middle of his sentence, the excited squeal carrying itself from all the way inside the gallery to the back garden through the door left ajar. Speak of the devil and he shall appear, maybe there’s a reason why people say it. It’s laughable, really.

You and Seungmin both turn your attention to the brief commotion indoors, where you see Hyunjin smiling so big that his eyes have crinkled into crescent moons, where he’s standing with his arm thrown around Minho and shaking him by the shoulders.

These days, it’s easy to pretend that time is standing still. You don’t even know if time is even passing at all; you’re just looking at him, dressed in a black blazer and some dress pants. Casual but he looks good. He always does.

You watch as he says something to Hyunjin that seems to calm the latter down a bit, at least enough for Minho to quickly scan the room, searching. You watch as his eyes sweep through all the people gathered inside, not stopping until they land on you, finding you on the other side of the glass door. Even in this terrible lighting, not entirely visible you assume, he sees you.

There was a conversation you had with Minho some time ago, when you two were sprawled out on your couch munching on strawberry Peperos and not paying attention to the movie that was playing on your TV, when he asked how you wanted your life to be at 40.

You knew what the boring answer was – you wanted your life to be stable, and you told him as much. Isn’t stability always the goal? Maybe a lame corporate job if the whole starving-artist-who-makes-it-big-overnight dream didn’t pan out. A cat and a dog named Mochi and Mocha, if you could afford two pets at once. An apartment that you owned, with framed pictures of everything you loved scattered all over the place, and stupidly cute fairy lights that you often see on Pinterest, and an unfathomable amount of plushies that your inner child was never indulged in. A peaceful and quiet life, at least to some extent.

The honest answer, the one that you didn’t tell him, was you wanted to not live with regret.

But as you lock eyes with him, for a split second there, you know that you will.

About twenty years down the line, when you look back on your life and think of this chapter, you’ll think about a boy who loved you and whom you loved. How you broke both of your hearts trying to protect your own. You’ll wonder if he’s married, if he has kids, if he still reminisces about the girl he used to love when he was young. If he’s happy and if his dreams came true. If the sadness you caused yourself was worth it, if the pain meant anything at all. If you could go back in time and undo everything, would you?

You’ll get over it eventually – surely you will; heartbreak isn’t the end of the world – but you’ll live with the grief of what could’ve been if you weren’t afraid. You’ll be left to mourn the road not taken, your almost but never was.

You’re the one who moves first, when it starts to become a struggle just to breathe. You stumble away from Minho’s line of sight, until you find a wall that you can rest against.

Seungmin is quick to follow. “Hey, woah, are you okay?”

Your hands alternate between balling themselves into tight fists and attempting in vain to grab at the flat surface of the concrete. There are no words that you can form to answer him. Only your ragged breathing and your pathetic effort to take in some air through your mouth.

“Okay, shit, uhm,” Seungmin sputters. “Hang on.”

Then he’s taking off. You don’t know how long he’s gone for, where he’s gone off to, and frankly, you can’t really bring yourself to care. Your hands abandon the wall in favor of your dress, something that you can actually hold onto. Your trembling fingers clutch the hem of your dress like they’re pretending it’s a lifeline, bunching and twisting the fabric in your sweaty palms. Hoping it’ll help, but it doesn’t at all.

Even over the sound of your heartbeat ringing in your ears, you could hear new footsteps coming out into the empty garden. Rushed at first, then they stop for a brief moment. You know who it is before he even approaches you.

Damn that Kim Seungmin.

The familiar scent of his cologne greets you before his voice. You spent hours and hours enveloped in this scent until it was dulled by sweat from the activities you were engaged in, if it wasn’t already softened by the kisses you would leave all over his skin.

When he calls your name, it comes out so soft, like you never broke his heart in the first place and that night was only a figment of your twisted imagination. He sounds so gentle, yet it sends you further down the crippling spiral. You don’t deserve him; maybe you never did, despite what Seungmin tried to put through your head earlier.

“I’m fine.” But you know your appearance has already betrayed your words. The first thing you say to him in weeks, and it’s a lie. You’re still leaning against the wall with your arms wrapped tightly around your trembling frame and your eyes squeezed shut. It’s a pitiful sight. Even more so when it registers in your brain that it’s Minho of all people who’s witnessing it.

He doesn’t say anything else, only lets out a sigh, and then his hand is on your body, a warm palm touching the small of your back out of habit before he moves it upward to rub between your shoulder blades. “Can you breathe?”

His question makes you all too aware that there’s something gnawing inside of your chest, makes you think for a second there that you’re going to die though you know that you won’t. You shake your head with your eyes still closed, your breathing coming out more ragged by the second. You can’t even bear to look at him and absorb the worry in his eyes; you’re sure you’ll only cry if you do, and it’s the last thing you need right now.

But it turns out that seeing Minho’s face isn’t the only thing that can bring you to tears. When you feel him tug at your arms, his warmth on your bare skin, you start crying anyway and that makes it even harder to breathe. There’s not a single ounce of resistance in your body, your limbs obeying him easily when they untangle themselves around your waist to fall by your sides as he pulls you into his chest, with one hand over your sternum and his thumb rubbing back and forth. He’s careful about it too, like he’s handling broken pieces of something that used to be beautiful.

“You’re okay,” he says, but you’ve got your face pressed into the crook of his neck and your tears are staining the collar of his shirt. “You’re gonna be fine. Just… listen to me.”

You stay quiet, waiting for him to speak next.

“Name three things you can see,” he says. “You don’t have to say it out loud. Just think about it.”

You open your eyes finally, angling your head until most of your vision isn’t obstructed by the proximity of his body. Minho tightens his arm around you, and you blink away some of the tears.

Your black heels that your mom got you for your birthday a while ago.

The grass, darkened green and damp.

Him.

“Three things you can hear.”

Light chatter coming from inside the gallery.

Cars passing by on the adjacent street.

Him, the sound of his breathing.

“Three things you can touch.”

The soft material of your dress against your skin.

The bracelet, hugging your wrist, weighing you down like an anchor.

And… him.

Him, him, him.

You don’t know what reason Minho makes up to excuse you for the rest of night, but you don’t bother asking. There’s really no space left in your head to think about it twice, to care about leaving your friends or feel guilty about Hyunjin because he was so excited about today. It’s too much; all you want is to go home, get away from here.

Minho calls you both an Uber back to your place. During the entire ride, he doesn��t say a word and neither do you. And even though you mostly opt for looking out the window at the other cars and houses and people passing by, every now and then you could feel his eyes on you from the other side of the backseat.

When you arrive, he keeps a hand on the small of your back as you make your way up the stairs. When you unlock the door, you leave it open so he could follow you inside. You suppose that one is a force of habit. You’re not used to shutting the door in his face. At least, not in the literal sense anyway.

Then it returns, that gnawing feeling. A feeling far too colossal for your body to house. It sits somewhere inside your ribcage, sharp and desperate, with claws trying to dig its way out. And for the first time in maybe ever, you understand what it truly means to want something this badly. You love him, and it hurts. You love him even though it hurts.

Minho moves around the place while you remain frozen in the middle of your own apartment, as if he’s the one who lives here and you’re just visiting for the night. You let him take off your makeup (with a wipe; you’re going to hate yourself in the morning), let him help you change into clothes that you can sleep in, even let him tuck you into bed like you’re a helpless child. If he notices the bracelet on you, he doesn’t say anything. Everything is done in silence.

You don’t look him in the eye. You don’t think you can handle what you’ll find there.

But you do reach for his hand when he tries to leave now that there’s nothing left for him to do here. There’s not a single thought behind your action, just a need to have him near.

“Can you…?”

You aren’t brave enough to finish the question, your voice trailing off and the words dissipating like smoke after a lonely cigarette drag. You’re being selfish right now, you’re awfully aware of this.

Minho doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even let out a single sigh. For a second there, you think he’s about to leave you here, cold and alone, just like you had done to him. It would be nothing less than what you deserve.

But then he’s shrugging off his blazer and your heart is in your throat. When he slips into bed beside you, something hurts, the kind of ache that spreads all across your chest and makes your lungs burn.

Earlier tonight, he could’ve walked away and let you be somebody else’s burden. Your friends were all there, it’s not like they would’ve left you stranded.

You’re not really sure what to think. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t hate you, but maybe it’s just enough confirmation that he doesn’t hate you more than he loves you.

You break the deafening stretch of silence with a whisper, “I’m sorry.” You don’t know what the apology is for. Are you sorry for that night, for the things you said to him? Are you sorry that you’re only yourself, that he just had to go ahead and fall for you of all people? Sorry that you’re too much of a coward and a lost cause to love him right? You don’t know, but it feels appropriate to apologize. You owe him that much.

“Don’t…” Minho says after a while. “You don’t have to do that.”

The familiar sensation returns – the one that stings the back of your eyes, burns your nostrils and makes you all choked up. You try to hold your breath and will it away, but the first tear spills without your permission, and you can’t help the shaky inhale – close to a gasp and followed by a sniffle – that punctuates your lungs when they start protesting against the sudden lack of oxygen.

You grip the sheets so hard you think you could rip through the fabric and dig into your own palm. It’s a pathetic feeling, like a strange kind of embarrassment that you can’t quite describe. The room is deadly quiet; you know there’s no way he didn’t catch the noise.

You hear Minho shift from where he lays behind you, some rustling when he moves against the duvet and the mattress. “Don’t cry,” he sighs. And it’s still so gentle. You’ve never known him to be anything but gentle.

You bite the inside of your cheek, blinking some of the tears away. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Just… don’t cry.” It sounds like he’s holding something back but you aren’t sure. “Don’t cry. Go to sleep. We can talk in the morning, if you want.”

You sniffle some more, and maybe that makes Minho think he still needs to appease you even further. He reaches out finally, to brush a comforting hand against your arm. “Go to sleep. Promise I’ll be here when you wake up.”

You don’t know if you want to talk in the morning, because there’s nothing for you to say. All you really have is what he’s already heard – I’m sorry, like an utterly broken record. But you want him to stay even if it’s only for the morning. Even if all he’ll get is silence at best and choked up breaths at worst. Your last-ditch attempt at grasping straws, a futile effort to chase running water.

“Okay,” you tell him, and neither of you says anything afterward. The tears keep falling for a while, and at some point it tires you out enough to slip into a dreamless sleep.

When you open your eyes hours later, the sun is already up. The clock on your phone reads 7:06AM and the first thing you register is an uncomfortable dryness in your throat. Behind you, the bed is still warm. You can actually feel it underneath your fingertips when you reach out, the warmth dwindling from the side of the bed that’s been left vacant. Minho has never broken a promise to you before.

He’s gone, and you sink again.

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pitchsidestories · 7 months ago

Text

Pizza girl II Barcelona Femení x Teen!Reader

masterlist I word count: 2180

summary: You were raised through La Masia, but you still feel anxious, before your first game for the Barcelona Femeni A team. Luckily a team bonding evening with your teammates help to ease your anxiety.

a/n: hi, it's inspired by this request here. We really enjoyed writing this. Let us know if you'd read more platonic fanfics from us.

Sometimes you still felt the urge to pinch you. Training with the Barcelona Femeni A Team on a regular basis was like a dream come true for you.

Growing up in the Catalonian hills, Barcelona and the famous team seemed very far away until after a game someone reached out to your parents, telling them that you were a raw diamond which could be polished in La Masia.

It wasn’t easy for them to let you go, but they knew that all you ever wanted to do was to play football and it was a place where great players have started their career.

A few years have passed since the decision was made. You almost didn’t recognize the shy, little girl from her hometown village you were once. A piece of her was still in your sixteen-year-old heart. The anxiousness in your body came from her.

“Y/n.”, Alexia looked at you concerned, putting a hand on your shoulder.

For a second you were confused where you were until you remembered you were sitting on the bench in the changing room.

“Yes?”, you replied, there was a tiredness in your voice which didn’t get unnoticed by your captain.

“Are you okay?”, the midfielder asked worriedly.

“I’m just a little nervous before our match tomorrow.”, you admitted.

“We could tell. So, we have something for you.”, she replied, a warm smile dancing on her lips.

“You did? Wait, for me?”, you nervously ran a hand through your open, damp hair.

“Yes, we’ll meet tonight at my place.”, Alexia told you.

“Uhm, I thought I might do some extra training.”, you tried to brush of her kind offer. Desperate to prove that despite your anxiety you deserved to play the upcoming game.

“Oh, no.”, Salma shook her head.

“No chance, you’ll come with us.”, Vicky who was closest to your age decided grinning devilishly.

“Yes, this will be good for you.”, Esmee smiled encouragingly at you.

“We’ll make pizzas and I know you love them, so you can’t say no.”, Alexia explained the plan for the evening.

“Okay, I’ll come.”, you answered, wondering deep inside if relaxing was a better idea than exercising. On the other hand, maybe seeing your teammates would stop your thoughts from running wild. You knew it was especially bad when you were all alone in your room.

“Great.”, the blonde nodded, visibly satisfied.

“See you tonight, then?”, you looked up to her.

“Yes, we’ll see you later, it’s going to be good.”, she chirmed.

On your way home you realized that the midfielder has send you the time and place for the team bonding night. Your fear to arrive to late made you stand in front of Alexias appartement door five minutes to early, you knocked at the door nervously.

“Hi Ale.”, you greeted her, licking your lips anxiously.

The older player seemed genuinely happy to see you and immediately pulled you into a quick hug: “Hi y/n. Come on in.“

Politely smiling, she took a step back to let you in.

You held your breath as you took in her modern stylish apartment. “Thanks for the invite.“, you mumbled.

Alexia led you towards the kitchen: “Oh, you’re welcome. It’s always great to see our young talents come through the ranks so we got to make sure to welcome them with open arms.“

“Thats very sweet of you. It’s a dream that I’m able to play in a team with the Alexia Putellas.“, you replied. You wanted to keep your cool but somehow you failed to keep the awe out of your voice.

“Oh please. I once was as young as you are now… Remember, we all start somewhere.“, she said with a dismissive hand gesture.

You could feel the blood rush into your cheeks: “I know but…“

“But?“

“It’s still big.“

“Of course.“

You almost sighed in relief when the door bell rang

“Oh, that’s probably the others.“, Alexia nodded to herself and disappeared to let her guests in.

You bit your lip. Why were you being so awkward?

“Hi, girls!“, you hear her greet them from across the room.

Onas voice replied: “Hi, Ale.“

Lucy was the first one in the kitchen, winking at you to say hello while still talking to the captain: “We brought some toppings for the pizza.“

She put a bag down on the table.

Alexia looked at her with a mixture of disbelief and disgust: “Do you really think I wasn’t prepared for my own pizza night?“

“Yeah, Lucy didn’t trust you with that.“, Ona shrugged, smiling innocently at the midfielder.

Alexia rolled her eyes: “Typical.“

You followed the interaction with amusement until Lucy turned to you: “So we obviously had to make a little stop at the market. Try the tomatoes, y/n. They’re delicious.“

Lucy moved around in Alexias kitchen like it was her own, cutting you a sliece of a juicy red tomato.

You popped it in your mouth. It was sweet and flavourful. “Delicious!“

“Right?“

“Yes, I love them.“, you beamed.

More football player flooded the kitchen. You had not realized that Alexia had left again to let them in.

“Hey, everyone!“, Vicky called excitedly. For a second you felt the slight sting of jealousy. You were almost the same age, but she moved around the team like they have been friends forever. You hoped that it would be like this for you too soon.

She came over to hug you, her curls tickling on your skin and the jealousy was gone: “Vicky, hi.“

“And? Kind of cozy here, right?“, she grinned at you.

You took the scene of Alexias kitchen in. Drinks were on the table while a few players started to prepare the ingredients for the pizza and others were working on the dough.

It was a mess but somehow you felt very at peace. “It’s.“, you smiled.

“I hope you think so.“, Alexia raised an eyebrow at you as she walked past you, always the busy hostess.

While you all were in the process of creating cute and aesthetically pleasing pizzas you took all your courage to ask a question which has been burning on your tongue during the whole evening.

“Girls, how do you handle anxiety before big matches?”

Every player stopped moving around for a moment, thinking about the ask you just dropped. It was clear to them that it came from your heart and was something weighing heavily on your young shoulders.

“I don’t even know what that is.” Lucy joked, she immediately got elbowed by her smaller girlfriend.

“Lucy be honest.”, Ona demanded.

“Yeah, okay. Even us oldies get nervous at times. Right Ale?”, the older defender shrugged before turning around to face the blonde.

“Of course, I was very nervous when I came back from my ACL.”, she admitted earnestly.

“Understandable.”, Ona nodded empathetically.

“Oh yes.”, you whispered.

“Everyone is nervous before their first game for the biggest club in the world.”, Salma agreed solemnly.

“You all make it look so easy.”, you remarked. Memories from Vicky’s and her breakthrough were playing behind your eyes.

“It’s not.”, Alexia assured you calmly.

“But we’re here for you.”, Aitana promised in an encouragingly tone.

“Exactly, we’re all supporting you.”, Ona added, giving you a side hug.

“Everyone is so cute here.”, you teared up, their unwavering support made you emotional.

“Oh, we know.”, Salma waved it off nonchalantly.

“Please don’t cry, that floor was expensive.”, Alexia threw in teasingly.

“Oh, sorry.”, you quickly apologized.

“Alexia.”, Olga who came to the kitchen from work scolded her girlfriend.

“Sorry, y/n. But you know that I was only joking, right?”, the captain sheepishly smiled at you. It was always a miracle for you to watch the midfielder’s stern and serious face which she showed in matches and training change in the presence of the woman she loved.

“Typical, Ale.”, Lucy rolled her eyes playfully at her.

“I was suspecting it.”, you muttered.

“I promise you’ll used to her jokes.”, Vicky hugged you from behind, resting her head on your left shoulder.

“I hope so.”, you laughed insecurely.

“Pizzas are ready, we can go to the balcony now.”, Alexia announced. She and Olga took charge of getting everything which was needed at its rightful place. The delicious scent of freshly baked goods filled the room and was still noticeably outside.

For a moment you took everything in, the golden hour had begun and the view of the city from the appartement building was gorgeous.

“Wow, what a great sight.”, you mumbled deeply impressed.

Alexia smiled, clearly enjoying the sight of her beloved city once again: “It’s nice, right?“

“It’s beautiful.“, you agreed, finally tearing your gaze away from the view and looking down at your heart shaped pizza.

“Stop bragging, Putellas!“, Lucy called from the other side of the balcony, rolling her eyes.

“Excuse me? I’m just showing the little one that her future looks golden!“, Alexia played offended as gestured towards the view from her balcony.

Lucy grimaced with a laugh: “If she’ll become La Reina 2.0. The rest of us can’t afford this.“

For a second you wondered how much of this was true but you had no time to think about it as Ona smirked: “Besides, she’s a defender. Just like us.“

“Another Bronze would be a nightmare for this team.“, Alexia grinned directly at the English defender.

Lucy jokingly frowned: “What’s that supposed to mean?“

“You know exactly what I mean.“

“No, I don’t.“

Ona interrupted their bickering with a proud smile: “Y/n is going to be her own version.“

Again, you could feel the heat rush back into your cheeks while Mapi ruffled your hair: “Exactly, no pressure on the little one.“

“She’s already puts enough pressure on herself.“, Esmee agreed.

Alexias eyes softened as she looked at you: “We’re just joking with her.“

“I slowly start to get your humour.“, you smiled back at her.

“That’s good.“

“This could be a wonderful start for you in the team.“, Ingrid said, ignoring Mapi trying to steal a slice of pizza from her plate.

Chewing, her girlfriend nodded: “We’ll make sure of that.“

The next day, you were actually subbed in for the first time. It was five more minutes plus stoppage time to play.

Still, your anxiety was gnawing at you. Your heartbeat was too fast and you felt that sinking feeling in your stomach.

That was until you looked up at your teammates who applauded you. Ona who was subbed off for you, pulled you into a quick hug.

You were still nervous but you were okay with it. Whatever happened, this team had your back.

In the last minute of stoppage time, you made a run towards the goal. Carolines cross from the left came perfectly. You cleanly headed it in.

What had just happened?

Wide-eyed, you turned to your teammates: “Have you seen that?“

“That was insane!“, Alexia cheered.

Ona shouted from the sideline: “Incredible, y/n!“

Lucy patted your head with a little more force than necessary: “We told you!“

“She did it her way though.“, Mapi said, looking like a proud parent.

“Guys…“, you protested. The attention was a bit too much now.

“What?“, Vickys voice asked while she jumped onto your back in celebration.

“Stop.“, you laughed, trying to shake her off.

Once you got rid of her, Esmee scooped you up into her arms and lifted you up: “No, we got to celebrate.“

“What are you doing?“, you giggled. You felt like a trophy being passed around.

“Not impressed by that lift? Oh wow.“, Esmee pouted as she set you back down.

“Thanks.”, you sung relieved before you locked eyes with Alexia who beamed at you.

“I’m proud of you, kid.”, the captain congratulated to, as she put you into a rough hug.

“Thank you, Ale.”, you mouthed forever gratefully to play along side such talented and legendary players, afterwards Alexia released you from her grip with a happy sigh.

“But remember you’re a defender first, y/n.”, Lucy threw in teasingly.

“Coming from you?”, you raised an eyebrow at her.

“Hey, don’t get sassy!”, the English defender yelled. She looked amused by your behaviour, because it reminded her of herself.

“Sorry.”, you apologized only half-serious.

“Come here!”, Lucy commanded while ruffling your hair.

“Stop that!”, you demanded giggling.

“Lucy, stop.”, Ona intervened chuckling.

“Thanks, Oni. Can I go and celebrate with my family now?”, you asked your teammates impatiently.

“Yes, go and celebrate.”, the Spanish defender nodded smiling warmly.

“Thank you, girls. For everything.”, you muttered deeply moved. You loved being a part of this team with every fibre of your being.

“Yeah, yeah, leave, before we all get too emotional.”, Lucy waved it off. But you were able to see through her coolness and pulled her into a big hug too.

“Alright, bye!”, you told them and when you started running to your parents who have made everything possible.

Although deep down you knew know you had a family away from home now in form of your teammates who even made the anxious times pass easier and the glorious moments so much richer.

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makeupbychio · 5 months ago

Text

training season // logan howlett x fem!mutant!reader

Summary: Your actual training class sucks, so you asked Logan for his help if he’ll like to train you. He accepted and unexpected feelings were developed. The goal is to make you stronger and one of the best with or without your powers.

Warnings: Cursing, physical fights, injuries due to the fights, mutual romantic and sexual tension, vague mention of smut, Logan feeling unworthy, Storm cameo, just two idiots in love without saying it. Mentions of the Professor, Scott and Jean. Angst but with a fluff happy ending.

Words: 4k.

A/N: First things first, english is not my first language so I’m sorry if there is a mistake but I needed to write about this old man we all love so much. Also, very important to mention that your powers are related to energy and nature manipulation, and also you are a grown woman despite the fact that you take classes in the mansion. Thank you, hope you enjoy <3 Comments, feedback or ideas are welcome!! <3

- - -

From the moment you stepped into the mansion Logan knew you were going to be partners in crime. At first you were so cautious with your words and actions, it was because you never thought that you were going to find a safe place for you as a mutant, but once you saw all of the people that lived there and shared same fears and also joys, people just like you, you started to be your true self. Not just with your personality but also get the chance to get to know more about your powers and how to control it and be stronger.

The first times you talked to Logan were always with the Professor near, he was always trying to convince him to have his own class to teach the kids. All the times that conversation went on it was when Charles needed to talk to you or vice versa in places where Logan always somehow got it the way.

From your spot you saw every time they leave for a mission. And every day you work your ass off to be at their level and be part of the group because you wanted to be useful and contribute something to the x-men and not just live there and take classes.

One time you were walking to your class that Storm was in charge of, due to your ecokinesis powers being related to nature too, when Logan was going in the opposite direction. It was funny because he had such a serious face all the time but with you he always stopped to say hi and ask you how you are. Now or never you thought to yourself.

“Fine, thanks and you?” you asked him, looking up at him, you were grabbing your books close to your chest.

“Good, just going to the kitchen to grab some breakfast” he smiled at you looking at everything you were carrying.

You were so nervous to ask him about this but you saw what he could do, you stuttered and paced anxiously in front of him. “Cool, look I have like ten seconds before I’m late to Storms but I’ve been trying to ask you if you would like to give me a couple of training lessons? I know that you don’t want to have your own class, you made that very clear, trust me but…”

Despite your anxiety, you never break eye contact with him. So you saw how slowly his features changed to a surprise. He never expected that question from you. “Not to be mean, but why is that, princess?” he asked you full of curiosity.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen videos of you fighting and I need to be at that level” you answered him but still he wasn’t stoned because for him it is hard to love his powers sometimes since he’s been always treated as a weapon only. “Also, Scott classes are boring as fuck” you rolled your eyes just by remembering that you have that class before lunch.

Logan laughed at your statement, a cocky grin on his face now. His ego at his best because you were asking for his help instead of Scott. Logan didn’t want to admit that he would do it not just because to rub it in Scott’s face but also because since you arrived he couldn’t take his eyes off you. Every time you are around someone of the team he tries to crash the talk just to get to talk to you, he doesn’t know why he does that instead of just talking to you.

“Meet me at the lake after lunch, and we can discuss this better” Logan gives you a wink, you smiled at him with a thank you and rushed to your classroom. Storm was already outside in the hallway waiting for you, watching Logan disappear. She knows him, and she knew what this was all about.

So deals were made that day, and he promised to give you some training lessons with the condition you promised him to always give your 200% to every lesson. You didn’t know how many lessons he was going to offer but when he knocked at your door to go on you never gave him an excuse, sometimes you trained really late when you should be studying or sleeping, you were training with Logan. You were not doing anything illegal but you can sense that maybe the Professor would not like this, or maybe yes.

At first the whole time together was dedicated to just training. You didn’t have a spot, sometimes the lesson was outside, sometimes inside. But after a couple of them, in between you two found time to get to know each other. Logan was amazed by the whole you. About how fast you learn, about your charming but badass personality, about your powers, about you always being so honest and empathetic. So he found himself so mesmerized and in love with you. He kept his promise and with your hard work, lots of hours of study and training sessions the goal was for you to get to control your powers and be one of the strongest.

About two months passed and to get to train you better he had a lot of conversations with Storm in her classroom for him to get to know and understand your power so you could use it for better, also to get to know your limits with it.

“Why are you doing this, Logan?” Storm asked him once he reached her for answers of your powers. She wanted to make sure you were not going to end up with a broken heart. “She’s my best student and once she’s ready I’m going to talk to Charles to include her in the team” she looked at him with a deadly look without blinking to not miss a single thing from his face to reveal the truth.

“That’s exactly why! I want her on the team too!” Logan tried to escape his friend. “You said it yourself, she’s your best student, and with her actual training lessons she was going nowhere, no progress”.

“So since you are so committed to having more people on the team, I’m going to tell Charles you are okay to have your own class” Storm kept testing him. Logan sighed, trying to keep in secret his feelings. “Don’t do this to her if you are still in love with another person…” Storm said, with pleading eyes because during this time she got to know you too and consider you a friend besides her best student. Womanhood at its best.

Logan looked at Storm with a surprised expression at the accusation. He got serious and sat down in front of her, he took the chair and placed it with anger. “Okay you want to know the truth? First, I totally agree with you that she’s the best, I hope that you are talking not just about her grades that she gets in your class, I hope you’re talking about her whole persona because you know what happened? Since you think you know me so well. I don’t care anymore about Jean since a long time ago. You understand? That happened like a century ago, so you know what happened to me?” Logan was unstoppable with his speech now that his friend got him on his nerves, Storm knew this was going to be a monologue without letting her say something. “It happened to me to get to know someone so pure, so smart, so kind, not just incredibly beautiful but someone who really makes me think this world can be fixed for the better and also makes feel every time I’m with her that this is actually a place where I belong to for fuck sake!”. He growls finally pouring his heart out to his friend. He was scared to finally accept his feelings towards you.

Storm didn’t know what to say, she didn’t mean to upset him or to make him remember the awful times he had with Jean. Also, she was speechless because you were just at the entrance of her classroom god knew since when, your figure standing there lost of words too.

You arrived just in time when Logan was giving Storm the answer the mutant was looking for. You were not looking for Logan, you were there outside her classroom because you had to deliver the paper she asked the class the week before. You knocked first but Logan’s words were louder for them to hear you.

Of course after that, your whole relationship changed with Logan. But at that moment you didn’t know what to do, what to say. It crossed your mind that maybe he had feelings for you but when you arrived at the mansion the first thing you knew about Logan was the whole Jean thing, so every time you had a vague thought that maybe he liked you your mind immediately reminds you about his story with Jean. So you tried to keep it professional but with every conversation you had with him you found yourself also falling for him.

Also, during the lessons he never crossed the line with you. NEVER. Even when you hinted him that he could, he never did it. That’s also another reason why you thought he was not into you. So you were confused because he always gives you the brightest smile, told you his darkest secrets and got him calling you all the pretty nicknames, but never took advantage of the situation. Because for the training he had to touch you, to correct your postures, to teach you the attacks, fight against him, etc. But he touched you with a firm and yet soft grip. He was a true gentleman so even when you flirted with him, he never made a move on you.

Logan was also dealing with this confusion, his mind also getting the best of him tricking him every night he went to bed if you were flirting with him or you were just being nice to him. So he wasn’t going to push you until you told him directly about your feelings or what you wanted.

Just two idiots in love without knowing the other one is in love too. Classic.

“Y/N…” Logan said once he noticed you were standing outside Storm’s classroom. Storm felt like shit to push his friend like that. If he only knew you were in love too, but you got scared and ran away.

“Fuck…” Logan murmured to himself. He should have told you how he felt, but time passed within your lessons with him and his mind just assured him you were not into him because of all of the awful things he had done in the past and told you about it. He didn’t want to scare you so he gave you your space. “Well, now I think I don’t have to do this anymore, thank you Storm” Logan sat up from the tiny chair compared to his body, Storm also sat up from her desk wanting to say something to her friend but at this moment it was going to make it worse.

Thanks to the universe, you didn’t have more classes that day so you ran and hid in your room. That night you had training with Logan but after your cowardice you assumed Logan was not going to knock at your door for a lesson. You tortured yourself in bed all day about what to do because at some point you needed to leave your room, you skipped lunch and dinner. Logan still showed up at the casino and hoped to see you, when he didn’t he noted himself clearly to not bother you.

You debate on how to deal with this situation, Logan has a special spot in your heart to ruin everything. If he didn’t see you in that way as you feel for him it’s okay. You hope that at least you could be friends or just future colleagues. You are a grown woman so you can deal with a broken heart, it wouldn’t be the first time. So you changed in your training clothes, maybe for the last time because you also would understand if Logan doesn’t want to do this anymore.

“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!” your roommate screamed at you that maybe someone heard them in the hallway. You told them about what happened earlier, they knew about the training sessions when they were worried about you why you left the room every night till late. “HE LITERALLY TOLD STORM HOW HE FELT FOR YOU, THAT HE LOVES YOU!”.

“No- I- He didn’t say he loves me” you corrected them.

“UGH I CAN��T WITH YOUR STUBBORNNESS SOMETIMES, MAYBE HE DID NOT SAY IT EXPLICITLY BUT HE SAID ALL OF THOSE AMAZING THINGS ABOUT YOU AND HOW YOU MADE HIM FEEL THAT’S LITERALLY LOVE!” they were about to hit you in the face to wake up from whatever delusional dream you were. “Go and fix this, if you really like him he should know”. They couldn’t blame your fear, you’d been through a lot and as a mutant they understand the feeling that you don’t deserve that kind of love because you were different.

After that awakening help from your friend you find the courage and before you chickened out you left your room to head to Logan’s room. It felt like it was so far away, like you were moving in slow motion. Once you arrived, you tried to knock on the door but Logan opened it to leave his room. His features changed immediately into a smile, so happy to see you. “Hi princess, I was about to go to your room to…” he explained.

“Logan, please hear me out. I’m sorry about earlier, I shouldn’t have ran away, I just- I never thought you would see me like that because I don’t think I deserve it, but what I’m trying to say is…” Logan never saw this side of you, nervous around him. Not even when you were also telling him your darkest secrets. He had always seen you so confident about yourself and your skills.

“Sugar, what if we go outside to train and we can discuss this also” Logan knows how to make you feel better. You always loosen up when both of you are training. It was a safe space, maybe it was all of the exercise that makes you feel relaxed or maybe that you both were alone without any pressure.

“Okay, yeah. Great idea, I’ll follow you” all the time you next to him heading outside to your favorite spot, the lake. It was late and the stars were shining bright. It was relaxing to see the water so calm and the warm breeze. The lake was really far away from the rooms, a lot of trees with damages due to the training of other students' powers, including yourself, that’s why the training classes were outside, most of them.

Somehow Logan just started the class like nothing happened earlier. “Okay princess, this one is going to be different. You have to knock me down with your skills and tactics I taught you”. he challenges you, ready for you to make your move. “I’m not going to give you an advantage, so…” he gave you a cocky smile. He was so ready, in another hand you were shitting bricks.

“Logan I don’t think I can do that, I’m- I don’t want to hurt you” you were regretting your decision, the truth is that your mind was full of what happened today that you can not think about anything else, so you were going to lose really fast.

“You can use your powers if you want, I’m not scared of it or of you. If you need to use them, go ahead, remember I heal really fast”. Logan was always encouraging you and celebrating your powers, not just because they are fucking awesome but also to make you feel good and make peace with them.

You’d learn a lot in every class about your powers, the natural energy manipulation you are connected to. You can communicate, influence, manipulate and control nature. Thanks to Logan’s words you feel confident that you can beat him easily by snapping your fingers to control something around him and win the challenge.

You recently learned about magma so you think about hitting with a magma fist, but rapidly he ran to you and knocked you down. “Okay, so this is going to be physical”. You groaned at the sudden pain, he was going to put it hard for you because you needed to learn to fight in case you were not able or stable to use your powers.

He was not going to use his claws, he surpasses you in height and weight but that didn’t stop you. He’s fast but after all of this time he teaches you some of his own tricks so you are now using them against him. This will be the only circumstance he will be throwing hands at you, and he’s still being gentle with you. Due to all the movement you are approaching the lake, so you corner him and with a kick on his ankle he is down.

Logan is trying his best to concentrate, he feels so stupid for being busy thinking how gorgeous you look tonight under the moonlight. So he got distracted easily when you pulled your hair up and next thing he was down on the floor so you took the opportunity to manipulate the ground around him, lifting him where he was laying and throwing him into the lake.

You didn’t punch him too hard so you hope he’s not going to drown. And he didn’t, he quickly surfaces his head. “Good job, princess!” he was so happy, already healing the pain you caused him with the kick. He was so happy all of the training was going so well with you.

“I’m sorry, Lo” you felt bad now looking at him stepping out the lake all wet. He got closer looking for your injuries, in case he accidentally used his claws. He is in front of you, really close looking for your permission to touch your scratches you got in your arm when he knocked you down. You just nod at him. He always asks for your permission even when you've been training for a while now. Every single time.

Unexpectedly, he touched your neck, finding a small scratch. You almost turned into stone at the sudden touch. His cold hand, due to the cold water that was still pouring all over his body, made you shiver. “I’m sorry” he looked at your face, that pretty face.

”Don’t worry, Lo. It was probably the dirt that made that. Not you” you assured him.

“I’m not talking about that.” now with a sad look on his face, almost like regret. “I’m not good at this, maybe because I’m not worthy but I should’ve told you about how I felt, about how YOU make me feel”. His body finally relaxing, feeling his chest like unraveling a really big knot.

You are getting all emotional, you shouldn’t have ran away that morning, you didn’t mean to hurt his feelings making him think that you didn’t reciprocate the love.

His hand is still on your neck, the other one holding your lower back. You ran your hand on his wet hair to put it all back, some of his locks covering his pretty face. You escape a small laugh looking at the new hair style. “What are you talking about? You deserve all of the good and love, I’m sorry for earlier but we are really dumb because I thought about the same about not being worthy of your love and also I thought you still have feelings for, well, you know, the rumors, so that’s why I never told you”. You leaned your head on his hand.

He brushed your tears with his finger, never wanting to see you cry again. “Like I said before, this is the first time I feel this and it feels really good because thanks to you I feel that I belong and have a purpose. I promise you princess if you want, I’ll protect and love you every single day”. His face is close to yours. Tears keep falling but happy tears to finally find someone so kind. You finally close the gap between your faces and kiss him so tenderly, because you couldn’t find any more words after his declaration. His smile is so big while he holds you close to him, never wanting to let go of this moment.

Like a cliche movie, the sky made a sound and rain poured from the dark clouds. Logan was already wet from the lake so he didn’t mind. He only cares about you. You broke the kiss to breathe, you looked deeply into his eyes and found that sparkle he always has when you are around him, but this time more intense. He looked up at the sky smiling, “Did you do this?”, he asked you with an eyebrow raised.

He wasn’t going to believe any of your answers. Because your emotions sometimes take control of your powers, what you actually did is that a lot of tiny flowers bloomed around where you both were standing. “I’m just guilty about this” you pointed at the ground.

“Okay princess, let’s go before you catch a cold” he took your hand to guide you inside the mansion.

Next morning, you showed up at Storm’s class with a wide smile, so she knew that the rain she made last night worked to make the moment more perfect. It was her way to make up for her two friends.

It took you about 5 months when he told you you were ready. It was a non stop thing, some days you trained twice. There were days you didn’t want to attend, because you had a shitty day, because you were feeling under the weather, or you felt insecure and unworthy. Your mind gets the best of you but every time you opened the door when Logan knocked, you felt way better when he greeted you with a smile and big kiss. “Let’s go, princess. Today we need to improve your attacks”. Every night after the lesson you ended up staying at Logan’s room for some reason.

Professor Charles noticed your improvement thanks to the recommendations from Storm and Logan, so he invited you to join the team. The day he asked you, you were so happy that you said yes in a second and ran to find Logan to give the big news. He was outside, fixing his motorcycle, a cigar in his mouth. Once he sensed you, he was greeted with your arms around his neck hugging him, he was so happy when you told him how it went with the Professor.

“Welcome to the team, princess” he kissed you, holding you impossibly closer to his figure. He knows this is important for you and he’ll keep his promise till the end of days to protect you every single moment, especially now that you are going to be out in the field too.

“Thanks, babe! I guess now we should be more cautious about us around the team” you frowned at him. Not wanting to be one of those gross couples in public but for Logan it is really hard to keep his hands off you.

“Fuck them, you’re all mine and they should be grateful I stopped complaining like I used to” his arms hugging your lower back, and his hands mysteriously always end up grabbing your ass. You giggled at his attitude, knowing he’ll fight the team every time they’ll complain. “God, can’t wait to see you in that uniform! You’re going to look even sexier”. He got all excited and you can feel it by being so close to him. It’s going to be hard for him to hold himself if he’s already like this without even happening your first mission as an x-men. “I think the training season is going to come back”.

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loganhowlettshousewife · 27 days ago

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logan howlett x latina!reader

series masterlist - my masterlist

“i need to learn spanish,” logan says out of the blue as you’re carefully doing your makeup. he likes to watch you get ready in the mornings, and though you don’t understand his fascination with the process you’ve been doing for years, it’s nice to have him around.

“is there a reason for this?” you ask, trying not to allow the conversation to distract you from the task at hand. you’ve gotten good at this, at both getting ready and talking to him, having conversations about everything and nothing, the kind of conversations he would never have with anyone else.

you met logan a few months ago, when he accompanied a group of mutant kids to canada, almost dying in the process to save them. he’d been on the verge of death when you found him, skin sallow and pale from the intense blood loss, breathing ragged. it hits you sometimes how lucky you are to have found him in time, to have been able to bring him back to his daughter - every day you’re infinitely grateful.

he’s struggled to adapt to life here. eden, a sanctuary for mutants that reminds him a bit too much of the x-mansion, the place where everything in his life went wrong. where he’d let his guard down little by little, letting people see past his mask, making relationships only to watch them all die. he could do nothing to save them.

so he hardly interacts with anyone other than you and laura kinney, his daughter, though lately she’s decided she wants everyone to call her laura howlett. the look on logan’s face when he told you was one you’d never forget: joy and fear and confusion, adoration for his little girl tinged with the anxiety of knowing that anyone close to him usually suffered terribly.

“laura,” he grumbles, which is the answer you expected. despite living in mexico for quite a few years, he didn’t pick up much spanish, and certainly not enough to understand laura’s rapid-fire quips. “she always says shit in spanish when she doesn’t want me to know what she’s sayin’.”

you laugh. laura’s a bright kid, and it’s true that she enjoys insulting logan in spanish, but only at the same frequency as her english insults towards him. most of the time her spanish comments are neither good nor bad, just stream of consciousness comments. she enjoys logan’s frustration at not being able to understand her, so really it doesn’t matter what she says, just that he hears it.

“i can try to teach you,” you reply, “but i’ve never taught anyone a language before, so be warned i may not be good at it.”

“a lot of people here speak spanish. i didn’t ask them.” logan says, “you’re the only person i can stand bein’ around for more than a few minutes, so you got a better shot than anyone else.”

you feel a rush of giddy excitement flow through you in response to his words. it’s not a secret that you find logan horribly, unbearably attractive with his salt-and-pepper hair and his beard and his deep eyes and his arms and honestly you could spend hours listing every one of his attractive features.

the point is, you want to kiss him stupid, and with the way he lingers around you in moments like these, makeup half-done and your bedsheets still rumpled from sleep, makes you hope that he might feel the same. maybe spending more time together is just what you need to figure it out.

“we can start tomorrow.” you agree.

diversity december taglist: @raeinyourdreams @meetmypointlessaddiction @chubbyhedgehog @yxtkiwiyxt @isepod @dis-plus-fanfic-reblog-writes @deaky-with-a-c

latina reader: @naggywaggy @mami-veracruz @spencerswh0r3 @taextannie @gl1ndathegoodwitch @uncertified-doc

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milliesfishes · 2 months ago

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౨ৎ꣑ৎLa Vie En Rose౨ৎ꣑ৎ

[fem reader] contains: age gap relationship, innocent reader pairing: young politician coriolanus snow x fem reader summary: you wear too short of a dress for coryo's liking author's note: thank you @phantomamor for inspiring me darling <3 <3 Pinterest Board Spotify Playlist

All your life you'd dreamt of falling in love. Of being whisked away by the man of your dreams in a magical way. Whenever you looked at the illustrations of princesses in your storybooks, you imagined being swept off your feet by a handsome Prince Charming.

There was no royalty in Panem, but Coriolanus Snow was about the closest thing to a prince you could find. He had charmed his way right into your heart, and you wouldn't have it any other way. He was completely enamored of you, his sweetheart, as he called you.

It was exciting for you to be in the public eye, on the arm of a promising up-and-coming politician. The tabloids splashed your picture across their covers, ones with your hand hooked in Coriolanus' elbow, a sweet smile on your face. You weren't used to all this attention, and so you clung to him at all the fancy events he brought you to, which he adored.

Sometimes there were whispers about the two of you, usually about your age difference. It was true that he was ten years your senior, but you couldn't see why that mattered so much. You loved him. And he loved you. He loved you so much that he'd arranged for you to come live in his fancy penthouse so he could have you near, right where he wanted. You had your own pretty bedroom done up exactly how you wanted, a closet full of beautiful things, and his undying affection.

With all the parties you attended by his side, there were all sorts of rules you had to learn that you didn't know about before, things you hadn't even thought of. Coriolanus was always sweet about teaching you, gently reminding you of certain things and making sure you were comfortable among his acquaintances.

You had learned so much in the time you'd spent with him. Which was why when Coriolanus phoned from work to tell you he'd be late and you should go ahead to the party without him, you didn't feel any twinges of anxiety like you would have a year ago. He told you hurriedly that he'd be along eventually, and you happily assured him you'd be just fine.

And you were! You breezed through the party, speaking to everybody you knew and greeting those you didn’t with a smile. You remembered everyone's name and lots of things about them. Coriolanus would be so happy with you. He'd drilled it into your head about making connections for him and you were confident that you'd been able to do it here.

You were speaking with the wife of another senator when you spotted your husband at the edge of the room looking directly at you. Gasping in delight, you excused yourself and hurried over to him, throwing your arms around his neck. "How was work?"

"What is this?" His tone of voice made you stop in your tracks. You looked down at yourself as if you'd forgotten, at your pale pink dress with the low neckline and short-ish skirt. It was pretty- you'd ordered it from a catalogue a month ago and had been dying for an excuse to wear it. Looking at yourself in the mirror before the party, you'd felt pretty. You'd thought he would like it.

In a small voice, you answered. "A dress."

He exhaled through his nose, taking your hand and pulling you into the hallway, shutting the door and muffling the noise of the gathering. "It's shorter than the dresses you usually wear."

"I thought-"

"You can't wear things like this in public," he said sharply, fingers finding your neckline and adjusting it, pulling it up as your lower lip wobbled. His sharp words sent a pang to your chest, and you found yourself fighting back tears. He was usually so gentle with you, conscious of your tender heart and wide-eyed view of the world.

You felt yourself crumble. All this time you'd thought you were doing a good job. "I didn't know," you whispered, eyes watery.

Coriolanus took you by the shoulders, turning you around. You felt his fingers in your hair, undoing the bow you'd so carefully tied when you were getting ready. He smoothed your hair out, tucking it behind your ears from behind. "I trusted you to pick out something nice."

"It was pretty," you tried, but the tears were seeping into your voice.

He came around to face you again, brow furrowed. Tucking your ribbon into his pocket, he cupped your face, brushing away the tear that had slipped out. "I know. I know, sweetheart." Coriolanus leaned in to kiss your forehead. "But I don't want anybody to say anything bad about you. You know how they can be." You nodded tearfully, sniffling and wiping your eyes, a little of your mascara coming off on your fingers.

Coriolanus smoothed your hair again. "I'm sorry. Work was a mess today and I-" he cut himself off. You lowered your gaze and he continued. "I'm sorry. You were trying your best."

You still didn't look at him, wallowing in your own shame. Coriolanus tilted your chin up. "Come on. Let's go back in."

The last thing you wanted to do was go back in and smile as if everything was okay. But you nodded meekly, clinging to his offered arm and letting him lead you through the door and into the party again.

This time you were more conscious of the way people looked at you, the way they lingered at your low neckline, your skirt that didn't quite reach your knees. One man in particular kept his eyes on you longer than you would have liked to know, causing you to dig your pink manicured nails into Coriolanus' elbow. He covered your hand with his, lowering his head to check on you. The second he saw the look on your face, he gave your wrist a pat. "Let's go home, darling."

He lifted your hand, pressing a kiss to your fingers, and you trailed behind him like a dejected kitten. On the car ride home, you were quiet, tucking your legs onto the seat and folding your arms. You couldn't help your tears, letting them fall freely now that you were in private. Your makeup had to be a mess by now, but you hardly cared.

Coriolanus reached over, pulling one of your legs into his lap. He fiddled with the strap of your shoe, undoing it swiftly and sliding it off. You watched him do the same with your other shoe, hooking the straps under his fingers and stretching out his arm to pull you close. He kissed your temple, arm holding your shoes sliding under your knees, the other finding your back. When the car stopped, he hauled you out and carried you upstairs, your face buried in his chest the entire time.

You didn't speak much, embarrassed over your mistake. What would they print about you the next day? Would they say bad things about Coriolanus because of what you'd worn? The thoughts tortured you all through the night and into the morning.

He had fallen asleep next to you, but when you awoke he was gone. Usually before he went to work, he would give you a kiss, maybe whisper something sweet before he departed. You reached for your pink bunny plushie with the ribbon around its neck, holding it tight and trying not to cry again. Sitting up, you tried not to imagine what he might say to you tonight when he came home.

The day was spent trying to distract yourself. You were obsessing over the mistake you'd made, upset that your efforts to please him had produced the opposite effect. Really, you should have known better, just like he said. Coriolanus had big plans for the future, and if you kept making mistakes like this, you could delay them, or worse, ruin everything.

When you finally heard his footsteps in the hallway, you righted your book, pretending as though you'd been reading the whole time. You didn't want him to know how you'd been obsessing over something silly like this.

At the light knock on your slightly open door, you looked up, seeing him standing there with a bunch of pink roses in one hand, a box in the other. You set your book to the side, unfolding your legs and stretching.

He set the roses on your dresser, coming over to press a kiss to your forehead. "How are you, darling?"

"Good," you smiled, squeezing his hand.

Coriolanus knelt in front of you, rubbing your thigh, his bright blue eyes fixed on you. He thumbed the fabric of your dress for a moment. “Sweetheart…I wanted to apologize again about yesterday.” He clasped his hand in yours, kissing your knuckles. “I was upset at you for something that wasn’t your fault.”

“I should have known better,” you murmured, and he shook his head, reaching up to rest his palm on your cheek, touch gentle as a butterfly’s wing.

“I’ve been too harsh on you,” he said quietly. You leaned into his touch, and he stood, lifting you out of the chair so he could sit. Once he was settled, he pulled you sideways into his lap and you folded yourself into him, snuggling into his chest.

“No, I’ve been naive,” you whispered, your fingers hooking on his pocket.

“No.” He shook his head, hand on your head to bring it to rest on his chest. “Darling…I’ve been worried too much about how the public will perceive us. Especially with you being so young.”

“I haven’t been good enough,” you murmured.

Coriolanus shook his head, kissing your hair and stroking your back, adjusting the strap of your dress over your shoulder. ”You believe your youth is a hindrance. But it makes you a treasure.” He took your face in his hand, rubbing your cheek. “I love the way you see the world, sweetheart. I love everything about you.”

You touched his wrist, leaning into his palm. “I love you too. Coryo…” Sitting up in his lap, you reached for his hands and he let you take them to hold, thumb automatically going to the ring on his finger, pressing into the indent of it. “You’ve given me so much that I couldn’t begin to repay-“

“You do every day,” he breathed, squeezing your hands. “Being at my side, choosing to stay. Loving me…I don’t deserve it. But the least I can do is give you what I can. What you deserve.”

Feeling as though you were going to cry again, you buried your face in his chest, and he cradled you close. “I liked the dress.”

“You did?” You peeked up at him, and he smiled fondly, smoothing your hair back.

“I did,” he said, squeezing your side. “Just…not for everyone to see, alright?”

“Alright,” you said, heart fluttering at the way he looked at you.

“I got this for you.” Coriolanus placed the little box he’d brought with the roses into your hand. When you opened it, the pale pink diamond necklace made you gasp.

“Oh, Coryo,” you whispered, hand flying to your lips. He lifted the string of jewels from the box, fastening it around your neck and carefully lifting your hair from the chain. Touching the diamond, you leaned into him, pressing a kiss to his mouth. “It’s beautiful.”

“I want you to have beautiful things,” Coriolanus said softly, kissing you once more.

He was no stranger to a gift. Often, boxes would appear in your closet containing handbags, expensive lingerie, shoes. You usually picked out your own jewelry, but this only proved further that his taste when it came to you was exquisite.

Touching the necklace again, you smiled. “I love it.”

“My angel,” he muttered, holding you closer. The feeling of safety that always encompassed you when he was near was prominent. You were secure in his love, encased in it and protected.

It didn’t matter what anyone said. Cuddled into his arms surrounded by proof of his love, you had everything you needed. Your fairy tale come true.

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etheraltides · 3 months ago

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QUIET STORMS ⊹ᡣ𐭩₊⋆

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x reader

Summarize: reader is having a tough night and decides to call Rafe.

Warning(s): mentions of anxiety, summarized description of anxiety attack. Don’t be afraid to reach out to someone in moments like this.

A/N: was it inspired by my night? maybe.

The quiet darkness of your room seemed to press in on you, the silence amplifying each frantic beat of your heart. It was too loud, too fast. You wrapped yourself tightly in your blanket, feeling the familiar weight of anxiety settle in your chest, squeezing tighter with every passing second. It was well past midnight, and you knew sleep was out of the question – your mind was a whirl of overwhelming thoughts and different voices criticizing you, and no amount of tossing and turning could drown them out.

You picked up your phone, your trembling finger hovering over Rafe’s contact. A part of you hesitated. You’d called him before, sure, but it had never been like this – never in the middle of a sleepless night with the tangled mess of emotions threatening to spill over. Still, before you could convince yourself to stop, you hit “call,” pressing the phone to your ear and holding your breath as it rang.

After a few rings, he picked up. His voice was rough, still thick with sleep. “Y/N? What’s up?”

Hearing his voice only made the guilt flare up stronger. You cursed yourself for allowing you drama to extend to someone else. “Rafe… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you,” you stammered, the words stumbling out faster than you intended, finger picking your own cuticles. “I just- I shouldn’t have called.”

A pause lingered on the other end, and you could almost picture him rubbing his eyes, trying to shake off the drowsiness. But his voice, when he finally spoke, was calm. “It’s okay. I couldn’t sleep anyway.” He paused, as if waiting for you to respond. You knew it was a lie. “What’s going on?”

You took a shaky breath, unsure where to even begin. “I don’t know. I just… everything feels like it’s closing in, and I can’t get my mind to calm down. I didn’t know who else to call, but I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have bothered you-”

“Hey” he cut you off gently, his tone firmer now. “You’re not bothering me, okay? I’m glad you called.” His voice softened. “Just tell me what’s on your mind.”

You sighed, closing your eyes as you let the warmth of his voice wash over you. There was something steadying about it, like he was anchoring you to the present, pulling you back from the edge. You knew people would laugh at you if you ever said that out loud, but Rafe always acted different when you were alone. “I don’t know how to explain it… It’s like this constant pressure in my chest, and it feels like I can’t breathe” you admitted, hating how small your voice sounded. Broken. Fragile. A perfect mirror of what you were right now - sitting down in your bed, hugging your own knees as the tears fell freely down your cheeks.

He was quiet for a moment, then, with a calmness that surprised you, he said, “I know that feeling. I get it too sometimes.” You could hear him moving, and before you could ask, he spoke again, his voice determined. “You want me to come over?”

Your eyes widened, a rush of emotions flooding through you. “Rafe, no. It’s too late. I didn’t mean for you to–”

“Tough luck, I’m already putting my shoes on.” He replied, a touch of humor slipping into his tone. “I’ll be there in ten.”

The line went dead before you could protest, and you stared at the screen, a mix of guilt and gratitude swirling in your chest. You waited, biting your lip as you listened to the silence of your empty house, hoping you hadn’t asked too much of him. But true to his word, ten minutes later, there was a quiet knock at your door.

There wasn’t a break from your thoughts to brush down your hair, clear your tear stained cheeks. You wished you could only wash your mind like you did with your hair and then boom, all those persistent thoughts were gone. But you couldn’t. You could barely breath at the moment. You only moved at the sound of the knock, not wanting to leave Rafe waiting in the cold night when he could be asleep under his covers.

You opened it to find him standing there, a hoodie pulled over his messy hair, his eyes warm and sleepy as they searched your face. Without saying anything, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into a gentle hug. His embrace was steady, grounding, and you felt yourself relax, the tension in your chest easing slightly just from his presence.

“Come on.” He murmured, guiding you to the couch and sitting down beside you. “I’m here. Just breathe with me, okay?”

You nodded, feeling the anxiety start to dissipate as he held your hand, his thumb tracing calming circles over your knuckles. He stayed silent, offering you the comfort of his presence rather than trying to fill the silence with empty words. It was one of the things you appreciated most about him – he didn’t try to fix everything, he just stayed beside you until the storm passed.

As the minutes ticked by, you felt yourself relax more, his warmth chasing away the lingering unease. Eventually, he started talking, telling you stories from the day and slipping in little jokes, his way of distracting you from the shadows in your mind. His voice was soothing, low and familiar, and soon enough, you found yourself smiling, even laughing softly at his dry humor.

After a while, he shifted, glancing at you with a faint smirk. “You look like you’re about to pass out.”

You rolled your eyes, though the exhaustion was finally hitting you. “I’m just… tired. But you really don’t have to stay, Rafe.”

He shrugged, stretching his legs out and settling back. “Too late. You’re stuck with me now.”

Without another word, he pulled you close, his arm wrapping around your shoulders as he guided you to lean against him. His firm hand holding the back of your head while he caressed your hair. The warmth of his hoodie, combined with the steady rise and fall of his chest, created a sense of calm you hadn’t felt in a long time. You rested your head on his shoulder, closing your eyes as his hand rubbed slow, gentle circles on your back. You couldn’t help but wonder if Rafe had someone to hold him like this whenever he had a night like this one but the answer came quickly: Rafe was a lonely person.

“Better?” he murmured, his voice softer than usual.

You nodded, feeling a sleepy smile tug at your lips. “Yeah… Thank you, Rafe.”

He hummed in response, content to stay in silence. A moment later, you felt your eyelids grow heavy, the exhaustion finally winning over. You barely registered the way he shifted, pulling you closer, his own head resting lightly against yours as you both drifted off.

When you woke up, sunlight was streaming in through the window, casting a warm glow across the room. You blinked, momentarily confused, only to realize that you were still curled up against him, his arm wrapped protectively around you. His breathing was slow and steady, his face softened in sleep, and you couldn’t help but smile at the sight.

As if sensing your gaze, Rafe stirred, blinking his eyes open as he looked down at you. A lazy, lopsided smile spread across his face. “Hm… Morning.”

You bit back a grin, feeling a warmth spread through your chest. “Morning.” You replied softly, your eyes watching him.

He stretched, not moving from his spot beside you, his arm still loosely around you. “Feeling better?”

You nodded, feeling a surge of gratitude for him that you couldn’t quite put into words. “Yeah… Thanks to you.”

He just shrugged, a hint of his usual smirk creeping back onto his face. “I guess I’m good for something, huh?”

You rolled your eyes, nudging him playfully, but you couldn’t deny that, in that moment, he was everything you needed. And as you sat there in the quiet warmth of the morning, his arm still around you, you realized you were more grateful than he’d ever know.

“You’re good for many things, Rafe.” You whispered, letting out a relaxed sigh. It felt good to don’t feel alone.

⋆˚𝜗𝜚˚⋆

#rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron oneshot #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron one shot #rafe cameron #rafe cameron outer banks #rafe cameron fanfic #rafe cameron fanfiction

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gangplanksorenji · 1 year ago

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Kinknuary Day 11: Riding

Pairing: NMIXX Haewon x Male Reader

Word Count: 4,359

[Kinknuary Masterlist]

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You’re making a fool of yourself, and Haewon too.

You tend to be an attentive person, capable of being aware of anything and tend to go straightforward but you’re just acting like you’re oblivious and god, you’re bad at it. Thankfully, Haewon is worse at reading your true emotions towards her and that’s a sigh of relief—you didn’t want it this way but it just feels uncanny being romantically involved in a relationship with her, even though you’re one of her close friends.

I guess, you’re just in the “friend’s zone” no matter what happens, but you could never be so sure because sometimes, she can be unfathomable.

“God, I've been so stressed lately.” Haewon thuds at your couch as she stares up at the ceiling, feeling a little exhausted from the earlier party the both of you attended.

“Maybe you’re just being too harsh on yourself, Haewon.” You remark as subtle concern emanates through you in which, Haewon jokingly teases you with that, not before rolling her eyes and letting off a scoff towards you.

“Wow, you’re concerned for me, hm? That’s not you—that’s not you!!” She changes her lazy demeanor into a lively one as she looks at you with a surprised face (knowing it’s genuinely sarcastic), rushing towards you and then holding your shoulders as she slightly shakes you, teasing you even more as her dorky personality shows.

“Yah, stop it!” You brush Haewon off with your arms as she pouts after you remove her hands all over you, a little bewildered with your possibly irritated approach. “I’m just saying that you’re maybe just overworking yourself on too much, that’s all.”

Haewon reflects for a bit, thinking that you’re maybe right in these circumstances as she takes this a little too seriously. Maybe approaching such deadlines and procrastinating too much isn’t going to do the job, and setting time schedules to do productive things would be the right call and you’re letting her know how she can be more efficient and she can do better than that.

Of course, you’re thoughtful about her, even though you may act like a hypocrite sometimes and deny it, there’s still a heart inside you that values her as much as she does towards you. The sign of the hint of anxiety painting her face earlier as she overthinks about it is alarming for you, and you don’t want Haewon too feel like that everytime, even when there are times (like earlier) that she should enjoy and have fun but because of it, it’s going towards the opposite way.

“Yeah, maybe I am—sorry though…”

You paint a confused face from her nigh-melancholic remarks as you’re not used to seeing Haewon being down all of a sudden. “Sorry for what?”

“You know—how I acted a little off earlier, at the party. I know I should be enjoying it earlier and I’m sorry for that…”

Haewon is now being true and open to herself and it’s great to see that she’s vocal about it. Brushing off the whimsical atmosphere from earlier, you offered her to sit down onto the couch as you’re all ears on what she just said. You’ve never felt this serious about addressing your concern towards her and of course, you reassure her by stroking her hair and letting her know that everything is going to be alright because you’re there by her side, as always.

“You don’t need to be sorry, Haewon. You just need to plan things ahead and you’ll cope out of this, alright? I’m here to help, too.”

Haewon smiles at your reassurance, feeling genuinely thankful with your thoughtfulness even though you don’t really show it to her often. “Yeah, thanks though—maybe I needed that…” Not so long after, awkward silence ensues between the both of you as it’s clearly obvious that the both of you aren’t used to being thoughtful against each other but nonetheless, the both of you (especially Haewon) appreciated your kind words. “You know what? I wanna do something since I’m getting pretty stressed lately.”

Ah yes, the usual dodging and the turmoil of current topics—it’s a classic move by Haewon and with those words and that tone being uttered by her mouth, this can mean two things and it’s pretty straightforward: it��s either she wants to battle against you in an online game or basically, she wants to destress by having sex with you. The former is pretty obvious since she loves playing one-versus-one games with you whenever she is feeling competitive, or if she just wants to relax and chill out, then she’ll invite you to play some farming games yet the latter, is something interesting and somewhat, what piques you into this moment. Sex isn’t new for the both of you as you casually do it with whenever the both of you feel like it and it’s also the time where the both of you confess your kinks, wants and some experimental stuff that you both want to try. It even comes to a point where the both of you needed to take breaks because on how wild and exhausting you guys went into and also buying some soundproof foams just for your neighbor’s ears to be saved mostly from Haewon’s screams of pleasure—and it’s always bleeding your ear, every goddamn time but you didn’t care.

Well, I guess the both of you are the freakiest friends to ever exist.

“Just say you want to have sex with me, Haewon.” You’re straightforward and stern whilst Haewon is in utter hypocrisy and in denial. Even though she’s back at her usual roots when it comes to gaslighting you, you can’t deny that her eyes are glistening with lust as soon as you say those words and you're not oblivious nor stupid to not think about it.

“What if it’s not the case, huh, pervert?” You’re not affected by that knowing it’s just one of her tactics of another gaslight and soon, she’ll eat her words up.

“I highly doubt it, Haewon. I bet you’re wet as fuck right now imagining my cock ravaging your tight pussy—”

“Yah! Not too fast, idiot…” Haewon lightly punches your shoulders as she feels aroused at what you’ve said, crossing her legs a little as she can feel her urges finally turning her on. You know how to pick her locks and as much as she wants to deny it, she can’t help but voice out her needs as the inevitable desires that she’s been seeking for is now making her a different girl. “But you’re fucking right—I want it now~”

Of course, she’ll give in to her own desires in some time as she swiftly hops her figure to mount over your clothed nether region and rubs her hips greedily onto it. You, smirking in delight, finally caught her eye as you tease her with her needy state, her constant small whimpers and biting of lip is a good reason behind it.

“See, I know you’ll give in soon, Haewon—I know you.”

“Fuck you—just shut up and let me do my thing.” Haewon continues to grind onto your crotch in which you loved the feeling because of how mutually arousing it is for both parties. You and your hands didn’t become idle as you encouraged her with more dirty talk and your hands caressing the slender finger that her outfit shows, your eyes lighting up in admiration as her body is simply the epitome of perfection. Of course, with both your desires needed to be attended as soon as possible, the both of you didn’t waste time to strip off your the clothing that has been preventing the both of you with such enchanting touches as Haewon starts the show and you, picking up the scraps and following her steps.

With the hot scene being taken in place, you want both parties to be busy with something torrid and—there you go, pull her wrists to initiate such an intimate kiss and she eagerly reciprocates like always. The kiss was full of profounded fervor as every second finds vigor in every peck and neither of you chose to even pull out, not even Haewon herself because she just fonds herself indulging into it further. Knowing how you’re insatiable and delectable at her end, she wouldn’t dare to act tough and push you just to pull out and say that she doesn’t want it—you’re pretty confident that she won’t retaliate as it’s working effectively so far but you could never be so sure. Why is this such a big deal? Well, there are a couple of things why and here are those: firstly, Haewon wants to go straight to where she wants her needs to be unattended, no matter which hole or whatever she may think of; second, kissing Haewon this intimately like this is like finding a needle in the haystack as you know that she doesn’t really indulge into deep kisses like this and that’s why you’re a bit perplexed that she’s not pulling out of your lips’ warm embrace and lastly; Haewon doesn’t really want to share her true feelings as she’s afraid of spilling something out of her mouth that could make both of you uncomfortable. Some of these conclusions are mostly correct as with years of knowing her, you knew that these are the possible reasons but you could never be so sure.

Speaking of the devil, it didn’t last that long as she pulled out and as much as you want to indulge further, that wouldn’t be possible as the both of you untangle each other’s lips and hurriedly catched breaths, chasing oxygen. While you were utterly satisfied that you got to taste her luscious lips, Haewon, on the other hand, isn’t really a fan of it—and again, peak hypocrisy is possessing her and obviously, she’ll deny that she felt more than greatness making up a torrid kiss with you.

“We’re not going to make love with all of these kisses—I want you fill me up, nice and easy—”

“Stop acting like you didn’t love it, Haewon.” You roll your eyes out as you express annoyance and a hint of disappointment towards her hypocrite actions. You know she loved it, considering how her hands involuntarily coursed it’s way onto the back of your neck, stopping her from stripping her outfit and with that, she can’t help but embrace defeat as she doesn’t have a strong weapon up in her sleeve to fight back.

“You’re so annoying! Maybe I did because you’re a good fucking kisser—there, happy?” Of course, Haewon expresses her discomfort with your sudden intimacy as every word is laced with sarcasm as every isn’t genuine because you could feel and you know her too well. You know she isn’t seriously angry in any means and meant to just annoy you and tease you, so you didn’t find her “furious” demeanor too serious.

“Hah, come on, Haewon, you’re no fun! But honestly, I’ve been wanting this all along, not gonna lie to you.” Helping her strip away her clothing with the dexterity of your hands, you get rid of it one by one as you can see Haewon’s face getting curious and puzzled, wondering what could be the real cause of your wants.

“To kiss me intimately, hm? ‘Cause all I really know is that my lips are as addicting as my tight pussy, isn’t it?” Opposite from Haewon’s hypocrite approach and repudiative personality in terms of vocalizing each self’s wants, you, on the other hand is more straightforward and optimistic, always lying onto complimenting people as it gets better for both parties and you still keep the persona even with Haewon, but teasing and mocking is inevitable as it’s such a guilty pleasure to see Haewon being annoyed or angry at you.

“Well, you’re definitely a clever girl with that judgment, Haewon.”

You can’t lie about that as every feature Haewon has is pure art as you all love them equally but one must prevail and it’s pretty obvious for you since you love the thought of just mindlessly hammering her tight, warm cavern until she submits into full submission and lust. As she completely undresses the possibly hectic clothing out of her scrumptious body, you were met with a simple yet lethal look that complimented the slender curves of her body: a white-laced bra followed by a set of white panties in which, would be deemed useless once the show starts over. You don’t want her hanging by a thread, leaving her almost naked as you undressed your clothing off, unbuttoning your pants as quickly as possible and yanking it off you and then throwing it out on wherever it lands on the living room, as well as removing your polo shirt off within a speed of light. Leaving the both of you with only a single defense left before you drool on each other’s bodies, the both of you didn’t even hesitate for a single bit as you removed the last bit of your iron walls and immediately, your eyes collapse onto each other’s remarkable features: you eyed her perky breasts and her taut nipples, as well as her probably wet cunt from all of the dirty talk from earlier and Haewon eyed your fully-erect length like it’s a meal to be savored and used, her eyes getting lit up with lust in every throb it does.

“I’m just going to say this again, because I’ll know you’ll tend to forget it—” Haewon gets dangerously close towards you as she’s inches away from feeling her touch but she has other plans, and tends to whisper such factual claims that you’ll absolutely agree on. “—I’ll rock your world today to the point that you’ll forget anything except my tight pussy around your rock-hard cock.”

Well, she isn’t wrong, because whenever the two of you had sex, it always ends up with both of you succumb onto your needs as the moans of satisfaction is enough as an evidence and also on how much arousal and stimulation the both of you are into whenever you fuck each others’ brains out. In your words, she’s truly the epitome of a switch but now, you’ll let yourself be the meal that she’ll devour but she has more thoughts kept in her sleeve.

“Well, Haewon—how do you want me today, hm?”

“You know, since you’ve been so good on me lately and I’ve been wanting to do this with you…” You set off a puzzling look as Haewon softens her tone, wanting you to be all ears on what she has to say as curiosity fully sets you off onto asking her what she wants for now.

“What would you want to do, Haewon?”

Haewon fixes her position as she lets you lay down onto the couch, relaxing yourself as you fully immerse yourself onto what she’s going to be up to and she utters, “I want to ride the living fuck out of you—that’s what I want to do.”

Well, that wasn’t much of a hard guess since the position and her mounting onto your crotch is indeed an obvious sign that she wants to ride you. Well, this wasn’t new on your watch as she rode you for like months ago and would love to experience it again and here you are, fulfilling that dream of yours. This wasn’t anything you’d really want to do with her as you find this unorthodox on your own words because you’d rather fuck her and gain the better leverage and dominance to handle her body in which, she fully submits to.

You won’t complain since it’s also an arousing thought with Haewon having to ride your cock like it’s her last and you’ll give her what she wants.

She started off with such leisure strokes that made you groan in pleasure, such sensual sensitivity also adding to the twist and making everything better. Not so long after, she teases her glistening lips onto your throbbing shaft, as you can already feel the wetness enveloping your tip and soon enough, you grew impatient with her antics, and you need to let her know about it.

“Aren’t you going to ride me or just tease the living fuck out of me?”

“Just wait, you horny fuck—” Haewon glares at you with an intent to faze you but it was the opposite. The anticipation is too much to handle and you can’t take anymore, and neither does she. “—foreplay is an important element so chill your horny ass down.”

But you know she can’t resist feeling your entire length inside her and you can sense it even if she tries to deny it, like how she always does. So, without any time to waste, she slowly hops on your cock as it sluggishly engulf her tight walls and the feeling is just too good to be true, making the two of you moan in need and pleasure. She slowly sinks in your whole length as it didn’t take long before her butt meets the skin of your thighs and ensues at such a slow pace that’s pleasurable enough to make you feel butterflies. As she’s fully indulging towards her own desires, she finds herself picking up the pace as she grinds her hips onto a moderate pace and inevitably, she tends to moan out her satisfaction as your whole length makes her feel good.

“Not gonna l-lie—ahh, y-your fucking cock is so big that makes m-me feel good…”

“And your wet cunt is so tight that it’s j-just too good to be true.”

Again, feelings are mutual and you won’t dare her to stop even if you can’t take it—you just find yourself wanting Haewon to ride you until your balls are fully drained. Feeling euphoric, Haewon’s hands course its way onto your chest as she aids herself on a better pace as she caresses it from time to time, reassuring you on how great it feels. Just with her touch, you could sense and read how she feels at that very moment and it’s all just peak pleasure at its finest. She expresses such a smug demeanor, confident on how great she’s riding you even though it’s not even a minute that you’re inside her—you know how she loves it genuinely when shows such emotions of confidence and pure lust, her assertive demeanor letting you know her primal desires and her satisfaction.

Thanks to her wetness, it wasn’t really the hardest to take her all as she maintains her pace and eases herself up with every thrust she does at your raging length. She just finds herself moaning too much as your cock does wonders all over her body, constant pleasure surging in her veins and with all of those events occupying your mind, Haewon is now trying to accustom herself onto this new profound pace. Every clapping of her cheeks onto your pelvis sends vibrations all over the living room as the sound adds up to the sinful symphony the both of you composed a while ago—and god, her hypnotic bouncing really sends you into overdrive as her pussy just feels so great that you just wanna bury your entire length inside it all day.

“You’re riding me so well, Haewon—keep that pace just like that—fuck!

Of course, you encourage her well in order to maintain the incredible feeling that has been coursing down your veins. Haewon’s hips now slam hard in every time she fucks herself onto you and it’s an incredible feeling, especially when your hand course its way onto her supple butt and give her hard spanks and as a response, her velvety walls clench tightly and you groan in a hint of pain because of it.

“You like that, huh—you like me riding this fucking dick like it’s my last? You like how my pussy clenches? You like filling myself up balls-fucking-deep? Shit—I fucking—I can’t stop riding this dick!”

“Yeah, Haewon—I never though this will this fucking good—ride me harder and faster!”

You can’t really stay idle and just relax while Haewon is gyrating her hips like her life depends on it. So, encouraged with her wetness enveloping your entire cock and the squelching of it in every thrust she do, your hips starts to oscillate such a pace that increases the fire of lust between the both of you as the trajectory of both bodies muster such libido that’s unstoppable. Her hands are now gripping your shoulders as the pace is now the wildest she could ever imagine, uttering such erotic moans that blesses your ears and arouses you into oblivion. Haewon still maintains her wild pace as you increase yours too, your balls now wildly slapping against her puckered hole as her juices are now staining the couch as everything doesn’t matter right now except the paramount of delighted sex—you’ll probably regretting having a sensual intercourse with her on your couch as it’s going to stained enough for you to maybe change it.

You could never ask for more when every man’s wish is fulfilled at this moment and god, Haewon is one of a kind when it comes to her sexual masterclass and as the top of the pyramid, her scrumptious, insatiable body is all for you to feel and use. With all of the monstrosity the both of you went into, it wasn’t long until Haewon felt herself inching closer to the promised land and wanting herself to go near it. In the point of no-return, she conveyed such profanities that can outstand the most sinful discordants as her thighs quiver and voiced out her nearing high to you.

“No–oh god! I’m g-going to cum s-so soon! Shit—your cock makes me feel so good!”

“Hah—and you’re bickering earlier that I cum so prematurely, huh?”

Haewon shows off an irritated disposition from your mocking remarks as she retaliates, articulating such a mindful response even though her mind is being clouded with sex and pristine pleasure. “Shut the fuck up and m-make me cum sooner, how about that?”

That, you won’t be denying to do. You’ll please her as much as she does to you and finding such a better way to opt for a climax, you ram your pelvis onto her pulsating cunt harder as her walls clench even harder than ever before. If she’s going to achieve her high this euphoric, might as well add up to the sensation she’s feeling as your fingers directed onto her emanating heat, swiping her folds in a rhythmic tempo in aims to stimulate it further and help her chase her own high sooner.

Whenever her pitch reaches the crescendo, it’s the point where everything ascends and your ears wish to fall deaf as her throat escaping such lustful symphonies comes to a halt, voicing out her climax and Haewon fully succumbs onto her orgasmic trance. With such an unstoppable approach as lust fuels Haewon’s mind, she further penetrates herself deeper and harder onto your whole length as a rivulet of her own nectar stains your pelvis and onto the couch and god, it’s rich and volume which makes you think on how euphoric she felt at this given moment. When the pace of her hips gradually decreases, you can find yourself doing the job by thrusting upwards and chasing your own orgasm too as the high-drunken Haewon helps you with your own reward too, riding you with an incredible pace as she didn’t mind the sensitivity that comes right after.

“What the fuck, Haewon—you came so much… You better find money to change this fucking couch ‘cause fuck—you stained this so much.”

“What do you mean—god, I fucking hate you but fuck—I can’t r-resist your cock!”

Such oxymoron is laced within that sentence as she cursed herself to submerge onto her devilish desires to the fullest, finding her wild pace again as you relaxed yourself and let her do the work. Even though Haewon may love the fact that she’s riding the living life out of your whole length with her walls begging a healthy load to be deposited deep into her cunt—yes, the fulfillment of your orgasmic trance will soon be near as you stop Haewon with her current remarks which earns an irked disposition painting her face.

“Why the fuck—”

“You want my cum deep in your pussy, right?” She nods without any question as her face quickly fades into a delightful one as she anticipates your load in the fullest of manners.

“Gosh—just ram my pussy like y-you meant it—oh god—f-fuck! Just shoot i-it deep in m-me—fuck, harder!!”

Now switching another position, her legs now hug around your waist as you carry her and ravage her tight, snug pussy like it’s your last, every thrust meant to make her forget about anything except you and your cock. Within a few more thrusts, the inevitable will soon come and there’s no one or nothing on earth that can stop this monstrosity. Within the vigorous pumps and the numerous moans she’s letting out to encourage you more, you let go of your grip on hers as you push your entire length in her, burying it balls-deep as you groan with your anticipating orgasm and god, it’s so fucking much.

Haewon finds this endearing that you’re this stimulated with another position she loved trying. Her mind comes back into being clouded full of sexual desires as you shoot ropes of thick, warm semen that filled her up to the brim in which, she damn treasure as every second that passes is just being closer onto the paramount of every delight possible—your mind now full of bliss as it does wander all over your mind. The both of you fall limp on the couch after such a steamy session and an ecstatic orgasm of yours as silence ensues but ragged breaths fills the air, and suddenly, no one talks as exhaustion envelops all over your bodies and drowsiness doing its job.

You never thought that she’ll be into this more than what you expected and you just want to rest and maybe, opportunity seeks its victims tomorrow or possibly, even later—who knows how fate can make your destiny?

#kinknuary 2024 #nmixx smut #haewon smut #nmixx x male reader #haewon x male reader

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satellitespinner · 10 months ago

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✼ mommy issues .. (two)

a/n: PLEASE READ CONTENT WARNINGS ! holy gyat i just ate good chilli and it made me wanna get pregnant ANYWAYS.. i was gonna add spice but i found out the girl i like had a crush on a dude so you get more angst:) enjoy

content warnings: ANGST readers child is described to have curly hair, reader is of spanish speaking descent. (or atleast speaks it.) we on some white people shit lowk… ellie is good with kids😍😍😍😍😍 reader works in a hospital! you kids lowk an ass.. ellie has another panic attack. ellie still sad. CANADA MENTIONED RAAAHHHHHHHH cat brought up!!!! we almost get a kith…. this bitch is not proofread

wc: 4.4k

taglist @flowersforvi @ellslvr @saturnsdrafts @3lli3l0v3r @williamssgirl @liasxeatt @adelaide013 @a-little-bit-of-everybody @elliessweetheart @pedropascalsbbg @ellies2missingfingers @nelzooo @r3starttt @jaeminpookie @onlinelesbo @tphmnv @p4ison1vy @pascals-doll @snowy-vee @diddiqueen @littlegingerperson5 @ellieslob @elliessluutt @macaroni676

a few days later ellie finds herself sitting in a booth at her work with her two colleagues. tonight was the first time she was going to babysit your son, and she was terrified

she found that in this moment was the first time her thoughts weren’t plagued of joel since he died.

“i swear! not even light years could dim such a woman.” ellie describes you as if you were a goddess. well, to her you were.

“can you shut the fuck up with that weird space shit and talk like a normal person?”

jesse scolds jokingly. he winces in pain as dina’s foot meets his shin under the table.

“whatever, dude. it’s true.” the girl sulks.

“hey! speaking of space nerd shit. how’s school going, el?” dina asks with a smile on her face.

little did she know the mere mention of school caused gut plummeting anxiety for ellie.

“uhh, it’s good. it’s- school, you know?.” ellie mutters, there isn’t much to say. besides the fact that she’s gonna fail if she doesn’t scrape together a thousand dollars for fucking textbooks.

sometimes ellie wondered if dina struggled with money. she works this shitty waitressing job for twenty bucks an hour, and she has a son. but then again, she didn’t have the burden of school on top of all her other responsibilities.

the table goes quiet after ellie’s response. she’s not one to open up about her personal life. she only told dina about joel dying a few weeks ago.

joel. joel.

ellies mind clouds over. like a switch that clicked, making her go from happy to sad in a matter of seconds. she was always like that.

“ellie?” she hears a feminine voice break her out of her trance. a sympathetic expression on dina’s face when ellie looks up at her.

“sorry. what did you say?” she throws in a fake smile to distract from the fact that she was on the brink of another panic attack.

the last time she had a panic attack at work she was so embarrassed she didn’t come in for a week.

“i asked if you needed a ride tonight. y’know cause of the baby sitting.” dina offers, again.

ellie thinks about arguing with the girl, but she decides against it. knowing she’ll just end up in dina’s passenger seat anyway.

“yeah that would be awesome. thanks.” ellie couldn’t help but feel even more guilty every time dina offered. she felt like she was taking advantage of her. even though she knew she wasn’t.

ellie huffs out of her cheeks before standing up from the booth. “time to get back to work.” she jokingly frowns. causing jesse to laugh.

“it was time to get back to work 10 minutes ago.” he corrects in a ‘told you so’ tone as they start walking back to their designated areas.

“fuck off.” she peers, stopping so dina can catch up to them. she sticks her tongue out at jesse when dina places a hand on her shoulder.

“what a gentlewoman, she’s gonna love you.” she whispers and shoots ellie a wink. leaving ellie flustered yet rolling her eyes.

6:45

you had to be at work in an hour and your son was not cooperating.

“felix!” you shriek, the child was running around with a cheeto you gave him 3 hours ago. you fight the urge to laugh at his un styled curls and grimey face, but your stern mom facade over rode.

“¡vuelve aquí niño sucio!”

(“come back here dirty boy”)

he continued to run wild like a chicken with no head. you start to get sick of his behavior and put your foot down.

“felix. now.”

he stops in his tracks at your stern tone. he sulks as he makes his way to you. you smile at his obedience.

you take his gross cheeto and toss it into the trash. he pouts at your action which causes you to scoff. “put that lip away, chiquito.” you tease him.

he lightens up fast. his sad attitude being replaced with a toothy smile. it was infectious. whenever he was happy, you were happy.

“there we go!” you laugh as you zip up his sweater. he scrambles away before you could wipe the dirt off of his face. you sigh.

you picked your battles with him.

you decided to shoot ellie a quick text, hoping to prepare her for your crazy kid.

ellie’s running around the house in hopes to baby-proof the place when she gets a text from you.

sexy neighbor: hey ellie! he’s almost ready, and please excuse the dirt on his face. i promise i’m not a bad mom lol.

she smiles and begins to type back.

ellie: all good haha, is there any specific allergies or things you need done tonight?

she shuts off her phone and continues to clean up, moving the whiskey on the counter into the high parts of her cupboard.

she runs to her room and changes into a pair of gray sweats and a clean hoodie.

sexy neighbor: nope no allergies! could you make him dinner? if it’s to big of an ask i can totally send something! just say the word.

ellie: oh absolutely. i already planned to make him dinner anyway.

sexy neighbor: oh wow thank you so much, you’re going to be a great babysitter i’m sure 😉

ellie’s cheeks heat up at the text. you were such a mom. she thought to herself. she was just going to like the message when another comes through.

sexy neighbor: he is insisting to bring his coloring supplies. i hope that’s okay..?

ellie: oh wow were going to get along well. that’s totally fine :)

sexy neighbor: thanks sweetheart

a few minutes ellie’s front door is being knocked on by a small hand. when she opens the door she’s met with a backpack clad felix and you. in scrubs.

“hi!” she exclaimed as soon as she opened the door, her words mostly directed at the young boy.

“hello!” your son replies quickly. “i brought toys for us to play with!” she tells her, like he’s known her forever.

“oh thank god.” she puts a hand over her heart as she crouches down to his level.

“toys r’ scarce around here..” she warns. felix looks at her confused, but you laugh.

ellie stands up and puts out her hand for the boy to take, which he does. you smile at the interaction before crouching down to him.

“te amo, cariño” you gently whispered into his ear as you give him a small peck.

you stand up quickly and pull ellie in for a quick hug as well.

“thank you, again.” you sighed into the hug as you expressed your gratitude. ellie smiled at you. she really wanted to kiss you right now.

“don’t sweat it, now get going mom. you’re gonna be late!” she jokes as she looks down at your son.

“you’re right. i should go.” you make your way to the car and get in. you roll down your window and blew kisses at your son, who was now in ellie’s arms. you shoot ellie a wink before taking off.

ellie puts your son down, keeping his hand interlocked with hers as she takes him inside.

“hey kid, does your mom speak spanish?”

—————————————————————-

you found yourself immediately trusting ellie when you first met her. her green eyes reminded you of your own sons.

you saw yourself in her quite a bit, you could tell she was hurting. when she opened up to you that night in your kitchen about her father you could tell.

she told you she had grown up without a mother and all you could think about was nurturing and comforting her like she deserved.

you also saw the way she looked at you.

ellie found great comfort in your sons presence. he distracted her from her usual routine, which wasn’t the healthiest..

currently, felix had ellie drawing each one of his toy cars.

“like this?” she asks, flipping the paper to show him her drawing of a red car.

“no!” he denies before showing his own. a paper full of scribbles with his name poorly printed at the top.

“ohhh.. i see.” she says before flipping the paper back to herself and scribbling atop her original drawing.

“like this?” she asks once again.

“yes!” he confirms. ellie laughs at his childish antics.

the boy had requested a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner around 8:30.

“yeah i could go for a grilled cheese right now.” ellie agrees as she pats his head.

ellie had mastered the art of cooking before she was 14. when joel started fostering her the first thing she asked him was if she could use the kitchen.

although she would do anything to do that for her career, in this economy there was no chance. so she settled on astrophysics. and boy was it expensive.

she just hoped that everything would work out and she could make joel proud.

your shift was fucking exhausting. first, some random psych patient spit in your face. then, you spilt coffee all over yourself not even halfway through the night.

you were ready to go home and see your baby.

you had texted ellie a few times throughout the night for updates and she replied with something positive every time.

ellie next door: yeah he’s fine don’t worry! hes coloring right now.

you: awh that’s my boy. i hope he’s not being to much.

ellie next door: nope not too much at all

ellie next door: *one attachment*

he says hi mama !

you: oh my god aweeeeeee you two are so cute.

you smiled and saved the image to your camera roll without hesitation. it was a picture of your son at ellie’s kitchen table, markers and paper littered her table.

the reflection of her on the black television caught her smiling widely as he waved at the camera.

you: did he eat anything yet?

ellie next door: yep! he requested a grilled cheese. he also had some snacks earlier.

you: perfectttt you’re a life saver!

ellie contemplates how she should respond to your message. she could start flirting or she could img fucking chill and be normal.

she chose the latter.

ellie next door: haha! it’s really no problem :)

ellie had put your son to bed in her bedroom rather than the couch. the kid had toddled in there before ellie could reach him.

she tried to chase him down but his curiosity made him fast and sneaky.

“get back here lil’ man!” she giggles as his tiny feet smack against the hardwood floors.

he giggles as he ran away from her, running into the first open door he sees, that being ellie’s room.

he was awestruck by the many comic book posters and the guitar in the corner of the room was where he was headed.

before ellie grabbed him, that is.

“i don’t think so.” she laughs as she picks him up with ease. gently tossing him onto the bed.

“you have a boys room. but you’re a girl.” the boy points out, not in a bad way. ellie could tell he was just stating what he saw.

“yeah thanks for telling me i didn’t know.”

by the time you arrived home the sun was about to come up, and you were fucking exhausted. you contemplated asking ellie to keep him the rest of the night, but you didn’t.

your kid, your responsibility. you reminded yourself. as you knocked on ellie’s door.

pajama clad ellie opens the door with a smile, welcoming you in immediately.

“hey ellie, how was it?” you ask with a yawn. she guides you over to her kitchen island. her house layout almost identical to yours.

ellie smiles and describes her night with your son in great detail. your heart melts at the way her face lights up during certain points of her story. she recalls how she chased him around after dinner and he insisted on sleeping in her room.

your reach into your purse and searched your wallet, you spoke as your hands fumbled in your bag.

“i really cannot thank you enough,” you begin, finally pulling out your wallet and pulling out a few twenties for ellie. she looks confused as you try to pass them to her, putting her hands out to decline.

“you already paid me, remember?” you nod - urging her to take the extra cash.

“i just wanted to give you a little extra.” you smile and ellie almost cries. she held it together though, she probably told you thank you about forty times before you laughed and told her it wasnt a problem.

ellie lead you to her bedroom to retrieve your son, who was dead asleep underneath her planet print bedsheets. ellies cheeks turned pink when you giggled and said; “nice sheets, el.”

you tried to gently wake your son but he wasn't having it. you grabbed his arm to pull him out of the bed. he groans and slides himself underneath the covers. you are fully on your knees at this point. “i swear, if you embarrass me.” you threaten in a whisper so ellie didn't hear, she still did.

ellie chuckled lowly. “he can sleep here, its pretty late anyways.” she smiled.

you slightly bit your lip. “are you sure?” it wasn't ellie that you didn't trust, it was your kid. ellie wasn't hearing it.

“positive.”

sleepovers at ellies became a recurring thing after that. your son was so excited everytime she babysat and it made your heart so full.

this time in particular your son was extra excited. ellie had promised him ice cream for not putting up a fight to leave the previous time.

usually she greeted you at the door with a smile and a hug. but this time she didn’t answer at all..

“mama where’s ellie?” your son asked. “i don’t know baby.” you reply with a raise of your eyebrow.

you saw her arrive home, you two even spoke briefly before she went in to unwind. she seemed dull today.

you knew something wasn’t right so you decided to go in. your son followed you close behind. you sat him on the couch and advised him not to move.

the house was dark. you slowly stepped down the hallway.

“ellie? honey?” you called out, to your surprise there was no reply. a shiver crept up your spine.

you walked until you were faced with her bedroom door. it was slightly open. so you knocked before you stepped inside.

“ellie?”

the door cracked open as you entered. you didn’t know what to expect but it definitely wasn’t that.

ellie was laying in her bed, fetal position. sobbing her brains out. you were surprised you didn’t hear her when you were walking down the hall.

she gasped for air as you rushed to her. you sit down and sit her up so her back is against the headboard.

“shh, you’re okay. i’m here.” those words, although comforting triggered even more tears to fall. she didn’t know what she was doing.

the girl screamed in your arms for what felt like forever and you just sat there and held her. you whispered sweet words into her ears and rubbed circles on her back.

eventually your son had run through the door. a little gasp leaving his lips at the sight of ellie.

“ellie are you okay!?” he practically screamed in her face. you took your free hand and tried to shove him out the door.

ellie’s loud cries turned into soft sniffles as he wouldn’t leave. your son practically jumped onto her to try and make her feel better. your heart drops but ellie just laughs and pulls him into a deep hug.

ellie looks to you as your son babbles absolute nonsense into her shoulder.

“i’m really sorr-“ she starts, but you instantly cut her off.

“absolutely none of that.” you say, in your mom voice. her eyes widen at your tone.

“can you stay with els while i make a quick phone call?” you ask your son. he stands up tall. “yes!” he nods as if he were superman. you and ellie both laugh.

ellie knew exactly what put her in that position. her entire day was fucked from the beginning.

she should've called out of work when she woke up from a dream nightmare about joel.

she couldn’t stop thinking about the dream while doing her morning routine, or skating to work. which ended with her on the ground and her board in half.

if that wasn’t enough, while she was on her shift her ex walks in.

“you’ve got to be kidding me.” she whisper-yells as she watches the black haired, tattoo ridden girl takes a seat. with a new girl.

there was no way in hell she was going to serve them. she couldn’t ask dina, her table kept sending back the food. ellie was ready to go over there and rip them a new one. she refrained.

jesse couldn’t, obviously. she wasn’t going to ask sam. she looked like she was also on the verge of tears. i guess everyone’s having a shitty day. she thought to herself as she walked over to cats table. except you.

“ellie! hey!” cat smiled, she wasn’t happy to see ellie, it was an evil smile. she was happy to terrorize ellie.

“i forgot you worked here!” she continues, earning an eye roll from ellie. sure you did, bitch.

ellie keeps it short and sweet. oh how badly she wanted to ask if this was her new girlfriend. but she didn’t.

“what can i get for you?” she asks, she didn’t even bother plastering a fake smile on her face.

cat and her whatever she is tell ellie there orders and she’s out of there. she doesn’t even give out her scripted response of.

“great choices! that’ll be right out for you!”

she just leaves.

when ellie returns with the two plates the pair look to be in deep conversation.

perfect ellie thought. she could just put down the food and get the fuck out of there-

“so how’s joel?!” cat asks, her lips pursed and her hands intertwined underneath her chin. ellie takes a deep breath. she should’ve docked cat in the face. she didn’t.

the fucking nerve that this bitch has.

ellie doesn’t reply. she turns around and speed walks back to the kitchen where she breaks down for the first time that day. dina ended up finding her and bringing her home early.

to top off her picture perfect fucking day. ellie gets home and finds a new email from her prof. she quickly skims through. as soon as she read the words “cost” and a four digit number, she was done.

her wobbly legs about to give out underneath her as she lays down on her bed. she takes a few deep breaths but it doesn’t help.

she didn’t even hear you come in. but soon enough you were rubbing her back and telling her that it was going to be okay.

she couldn’t help but cry more because the last person to comfort her like that was him.

eventually you calmed her down. you left for a few minutes and came back with a glass of water and a few pain killers.

“take these, your head must be killing you.” you sit down next to her and rub her back as she throws the pills back.

god. ellie felt like such a child.

“good girl.” you whisper as she takes a few more deep breaths. eventually calming completely. the comment didn’t pass hee though. her cheeks (among other things.) were suddenly hot and sticky from tears.

she turned to make eye contact with you, her eyes blood shot. you wondered how long she had been crying for.

the first words that left ellie’s mouth were simple. “did you still want that ice cream, lil man?” your son jumped up and down before grabbing her hand and pulling her off into the kitchen.

ellie had sat him down with a kind portion of chocolate ice cream before she walked up to you.

“hes more than welcome to sleep here tonight. if you don’t feel like picking him up.” she clarifies. her hands on her hips.

“oh ellie, i called out of work. we’re both staying.” ellie’s jaw drops. she instantly starts shaking her head in denial.

“no no you didn’t need to do that trust me, i’m really fine-” you pull her in for a hug to shut her up. you hold her tightly as she sighs into your shoulder.

“i’m sorry.” she whispers. you could only imagine how embarrassed she must’ve been.

“don’t be. you’re human.” you reassure her. you wanted to cry now too. you knew she was going through a bit of money trouble but how broken was this girl?

that night after your son went to bed you listened to ellie rant about her life for hours.

for the most part she held back tears but when she brought up joel you could tell it was hard.

you didn’t pry, or ask questions. you just listened. you listened to the good and the bad.

you two laughed when she told you about when she kissed her best friend riley, and then cried when she told you that riley had moved to canada and that they haven’t talked since.

you had told ellie about how you discovered you were a lesbian during your marriage.

you were bruh shocked to find your now ex-husband very cool with it.

she found out that you guys shared custody and he owned a house in a different part of the city. ellie was a bit envious of your seemingly normal life. you didn’t have to worry about money. atleast, not as much as she did.

you were nodding along as ellie told you about joel. joel had fostered ellie since she was twelve, he adopted her officially when she was sixteen.

she told you how he taught her the guitar, and let her get a tattoo before she turned eighteen.

ellie and joel’s relationship was rocky before he passed. ellie was going through that age where she needed a mother when she started acting out.

“i was always angry.” she confessed. “i would say the cruelest things to him and he would just,” she paused, looking for the right word. “he just took it.”

you frowned at this.

if you had known about any of this you would have never thrown your kid at her for half the week.

among the bad, you also learned a few interesting things about ellie.

she really liked to cook, and she was fucking good at it. you discovered that when she pulled out leftover pasta and served it to you like you were a member of the royal family.

eventually it was your turn to talk her ear off. however, there wasn’t much to tell, you thought.

“uhm- my favorite movie is tangled.” you laughed. ellie blew a raspberry.

“oh c’mon mama, you didn’t have like - a crazy childhood?” she asked. mama, huh?

you shrugged and spoke “not much to tell.” ellie rolls her eyes.

“alrighty then.” she ponders for a moment before speaking “you wanna watch a movie?” she asked, smiling like a fox. you felt your core tighten.

you accepted her offer and she reached out and helped you off her bar stool.

“what a gentle woman.”

“so i’ve been told.”

you and ellie didn’t settle on a movie. she sat you down and told you that you were watching tangled.

you put your hands up in defense. “if you insist.”

“i do insist.” she lays a soft pink blanket over the two of you as the movie begins.

“didn't picture you as much of a pink girl.” you state, covering your arms up with the blanket.

“m’ not, it’s just for you.” she says, her eyes only leaving the television to meet your own.

“just for me?” you ask, putting a hand over your chest in flattery.

“mhm” she replies with a wink and turns her focus back to the tv. it was your turn to feel flustered at her actions. she was quite the flirt apparently.

rapunzel was currently interrogating eugene when you turned to ellie.

“this is also his favorite movie.” ellie smiled at the fact. “is it really?” she laughed. not a condescending laugh, but more of a ‘that’s the cutest thing i’ve ever heard’ laugh.

“it is! he loves it so much, it’s adorable.” you tell her.

“you’re adorable” ellie accidentally admits. her face flushing when she’s noticed what she said.

she’s about to profusely apologize and possibly crawl in a hole and die when you giggle.

“i could say the same about you.” you whisper, shifting your body a little closer to her own. you were already close, but now your thighs were touching.

you tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, her eyes still on the screen. you burn holes in the side of her face. she doesn’t budge.

“ellie?” you whisper, you see her swallow before turning to look at you.

“y-yeah?” her pupils had dilated just a bit and you swore her freckles were more prominent. maybe you were a bit too close-

“you’re very pretty.” you tell her, your eyes darting from her eyes to her lips. then back to her eyes again.

ellie didn’t respond, instead she smirked and licked her lips. “yeah, you think so?” she asks, mostly rhetorically but you answer anyway. “i know so.”

ellie’s lips are dangerously close to your own when she slips her hand under your chin.

“i think you’re the prettiest.” she whispers. you almost didn’t hear her.

you're closing the gap between you two when you hear your sons sleepy voice come out of nowhere. you and ellie both quickly pull away from each other and she clears her throat.

“‘punzel!” he cheers, one of his pant legs riding up his leg, his hair all frizzled. you both light-heartedly laugh at the boys appearance.

“c’mere, baby.” you bring your arms out from underneath the blanket. open for him to crawl into. he obliged and crakes into your lap. you couldn’t even be mad at him for being up so late at this point.

ellie reached up and strokes his hair gently.

fucking cockblock

#˚ ༘♡ ⋆ mommy issues¡fic #ellie williams x reader #ellie tlou #ellie williams #tlou #tlou fanfiction #tlou2 #₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟizzie writes!?#ellie x reader #ellie williams fluff #ellie williams x female reader #ellie williams x you #ellie williams fanfic #ellie x fem reader #ellie smut #ellie the last of us #ellie x you #ellie x y/n #ellie x mom reader

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rachalixie · 1 year ago

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a/n: a bonus mini changbin for @katieraven :))) (warnings: anxiety mention)

“hey,” a voice strikes you out of your daze and you turn your head towards changbin, blinking slowly at him. he raises a brow at you, as if expecting something, but you don’t know what it is.

“yes?” you sound out slowly, unsure and utterly confused.

“i asked you what you wanted to eat three times, and you didn’t answer,” he says, gentle even though it felt a little like an accusation to your swirling mind.

“oh,” you frown, trying to remember hearing him but coming up with nothing. all that you could hear was the static running through your ears. “sorry?”

“are you okay?” he asks, leaning closer to you so he could press a hand to your shoulder. it felt good, grounding, the heavy weight of it welcome on your tired body. you sag into him, feeling utterly spent.

“yeah?” you ask more than tell, mouth twisting in displeasure at having to answer that question - you didn’t like lying to him, but being honest about things like this was worse than pulling teeth, sometimes.

“oh,” he says, nodding in understanding as he pulls you into himself, folding you up into his arms as if you were some small thing to protect. he always knew just what you were meaning to say, even if it was the opposite. “was it something that happened, or just in general?”

you pause for a moment, a confirmation of the latter resting on your tongue but is that true? because being anxious for no reason was making you more anxious, and that was something specific. but it wasn’t what caused this, nothing did, really. but that brings you back to -

“okay,” he drawls out, booping your forehead with his fingers, drawing you out of your own head. again. “here’s what we’re going to do. i’m going to put on mario, and we’re going to play a few rounds. and you’re not allowed to disappear into your pretty head, because if you lose more than i do, you’re buying us dinner. and if i lose, i’m buying. got it?”

“yes, mom,” you roll your eyes but lean into him a little more, trying to get your body to relax into his. you knew what he was doing, he was never the type to try and hide his helpful gestures from you. he wanted you to know exactly what his intentions were, always. it made your heart swell up just a bit that he cared that much to think these things through for you. he knew exactly what things would get you out of your own head, and getting the opportunity to beat him at mario was definitely one of those things. “get ready to get your ass kicked, loser.”

#stray kids imagines #stray kids fluff #stray kids #skz fluff #changbin fluff #changbin #changbin imagines #changbin x reader

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oracle-of-dream · 11 months ago

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Favorite Seat

Minors DNI

Summary: Jay never complained when you’d sit on him, for comfort or pleasure. But sometimes, Jay would almost beg you to sit on his lap.

Warnings: Male Reader, Dry humping, PDA, Inscure Sunoo x Sunghoon, Cumming untouched, Slight Exhibitionism

Word count: 1.9K

“Are you ready, babe?” Jay called from downstairs as he paced the living room. He was already dressed for the day out with you.

Jay agreed to go see his friends today and they all encouraged him to bring you. It would be the first time you’d meet them, and he was more than a little anxious.

You walked down the stairs, “just finished. Relax, Jay,” you assured him.

The look in his eyes was a mix of pride and anxiety. “You won’t be cold or anything? I can bring my jacket,” Jay didn’t wait for a response as he was already moving to the closet to get his jacket.

“Hon, I think you’re overreacting. It’ll all be fine,” you kissed his cheek as he brought the jacket to you. “I know everything will be fine. As long as we’re together, tonight will be great.”

Jay nodded his head, his slicked-back hair softly shaking. “You’re right, I don’t know why it’s bothering me so bad. Maybe I just need to breathe,” Jay pulled you into his embrace by the waist as he breathed in your scent. “Better already,” he chuckled as he let you go. He awkwardly shifted in his pants, pulling them up while also raising one leg.

“Really? Hard from just a hug?” You teased.

Jay’s ears went pink, “You just do something to me… I didn’t mean to.” As you reached down to touch your boyfriend, he caught your hand, “Y/n, we can’t! We’re going to be late…”

“We can be quick,” you lean your body against his. His hands automatically fell onto your hips as he felt you grind against him.

“N-No! We can do that later,” Jay struggled against you.

You backed off, “Okay if you think you can hold on. Then I don’t mind.” Jay is the kind of person who was always honest and true to his ideas, so if he promised something later then he’d keep that promise. But you couldn’t help but feel a little want to pounce on him when he was being so cutely vulnerable.

Jay drove you to the meetup. It was a cool restaurant he picked out, one that the two of you had been to before so he knew there would be something you liked. Jay was a nervous planner, down to even who’d arrive in what order. And he was rarely wrong too.

First was Jungwon. He was a shorter boy, with a thin frame but you could tell he was in shape. He was friendly and smiled often, what stood out to you was his bright red hair and how hard he laughed when telling goofy stories.

Next was Sunoo and Sunghoon. A short king and his tall prince. You didn’t want to assume they were a couple, but Sunghoon’s energy towards Sunoo was extremely different from everyone else. Jay would have to fill you in later.

Heeseung, Jake, and Ni-ki came last. Heeseung was the one who had to pick the other two up, so he’d usually end up being late. Especially because Jake would sleep for too long.

After everyone arrived, the food Jay had ordered when you’d gotten there was just arriving. He’d ordered something you mentioned was good from last time as well as new dishes you wanted to try. The others weren’t too picky so they were fine with everything that was brought out.

You were seated on the patio, there was a heater near your chair in case you got cold. Jay also offered his jacket to you four times, probably trying to predict when you’d eventually ask for it.

Sunoo mentioned needed to go to the bathroom, and you felt the urge to go with him. So the two of you, plus his shadow went to the bathroom. Sunghoon didn’t have to go, so he waited outside next to the door.

While washing your hands, Sunoo spoke to you, “So you can Jay, huh?”

“Yeah! What’s the story with tall, pale, and eyebrows outside?” You pointed at the door but whispered hoping Sunghoon wouldn’t hear you.

“We’re an item too,” Sunoo shyly confessed, “None of the members know directly yet, but I have a feeling that Sunghoon isn’t very subtle…”

You shook your head, “I’m afraid he’s exposing you hella.”

Sunoo shrugged, “Well we’re happy. And I’m glad there’s another couple in the group! It felt sorta awkward being the only couple, so we never tried to show it in front of the others…”

“Don’t be shy! Everyone seems nice, and I’m sure everyone would be cool. If you want, I’ll show some PDA to Jay a little too,” you winked.

Sunoo mulled it over, his fingers pinching at his sleeves, “You’d really do it with us?”

You nodded, “Yeah!”

You knew Jay wasn’t much of a PDA person, but he also wouldn’t deny you if you approached him. “Just be natural and it will come to you, and Sunghoon will pick it up,” Sunoo followed you out of the bathroom and Sunghoon followed the two of you back to the table.

Jay looked up at you expectantly, opening his jacket a little. Offering it again…

You whisper to him, “Let me sit with you.”

Jay didn’t hesitate to scoot back and let you sit on his lap, but you could feel his nerves spiking at you approaching him so suddenly. You gently sat in between Jay’s legs as he laid one hand on your thigh and the other on the arm of his chair.

No one said anything, Jake poked Heeseung and pointed at the two of you which made him look up from his food. The two of them smiled at each other, exchanging looks between each other.

You watched Sunoo as he looked at you. Giving him a wink of confidence, you nodded for him to try being physical with his boyfriend.

Sunoo nodded gently and put his hand on Sunghoon’s leg, near his hand. Sunghoon’s expression moved to surprise as he looked at Sunoo for confirmation. Asking if it was okay to touch him.

They exchanged glances, and Sunghoon took Sunoo’s hand in his. His smile was big and didn’t fade, while Sunoo kept interacting with the others.

It was so cute watching them slowly scoot closer together until their chairs were touching. You even caught a glimpse of Jake leaning on Heeseung, which piqued your interest but you decided you’d meddled enough. Jay was getting more comfortable with everyone in front of you. He let his hand sit on your hip and would rub your side to make sure you’re okay.

After the food came the drinks. It had been a while since Jay had drunk with friends, and you’d never seen him drink with his friends.

Heeseung, Jay, and Sunghoon drank the most. Jake tried but wasn’t keeping up, with Jungwon swapping his drink for juice when he wasn’t looking. Ni-Ki and Sunoo entertained themselves by messing with their drink buddies while you sipped at your drink. You felt it was probably best you didn’t get yourself drunk in front of everyone on the first time you met them…

It wasn’t until Jay lifted you and placed you closer to him that you felt how hard he was. Maybe it was the alcohol, but he was sneaking in friction with your ass as he moved in his chair. Nothing to show the others but you could tell he was going to be a handful. You moved back to your chair, claiming it was so he didn’t spill any alcohol on you, but Jay was saddened by not having you with him.

Sunghoon ended up pulling Sunoo out of their seat and into his lap, sitting him on one of his legs. His arm locked around Sunoo’s waist. Sunoo tried to not think about it, but the pink hue in his ears showed how much he was enjoying it.

Jay leaned over to you, “How come they can sit together and we can’t?”

You smelled the alcohol on him, “it’s so you don’t make a mess, baby.”

Jay huffed, “I wouldn’t make a mess.”

You nodded, “Sure, hon.”

Jay leaned back and started man-spreading, almost displaying his bulge for his friends. He wasn’t usually the needy type but drunk Jay sure was. He was almost begging with his eyes for you to sit on him again.

“You’re not going to let this go are you?”

He shook his head, “No, I’m not.”

You sighed as you moved back to his lap, Jay catching you as you moved down onto him. He pulled you close and held you tight, his hardness poking at you.

You turned, “No funny business.”

Jay giggled at you, “You love funny business,” he pushed you down onto him as he pushed his hips up. He groaned in your ear, just loud enough for you to hear, “It’s your fault anyway… It hasn’t gone away since earlier.”

He’d been hard since you left the house? You smiled to yourself, prideful at his love for you.

Jay kept himself pleased by occasionally rubbing against you, but his acting was spot on. No one seemed to notice anything, especially with the other two drunk boys at the table.

Sunghoon started bragging about how amazing of a partner Sunoo was. Jay chimed in mentioning you were the perfect partner. Then Heeseung casually mentioned Jake was better than you and Sunoo combined, leaving the group silent while they processed what they’d just heard.

Jake was the first one to react. “What!? Heeseung, why would you say that, we’re not- Guys we’re not a couple, it’s not like that!” Jake tried to defend himself but Heeseung made it pretty clear he wasn’t to take back what he’d said. He sealed his sentence by kissing Jake on the lips. Then Sunghoon kissed Sunoo.

Jay turned to you, “well?”

“Well, nothing. We’re not here to show off we’re a couple, baby.”

Jay’s shoulders slumped, “Not even one?”

With a sigh, you kissed Jay. His hand pulled you into his pelvis, taking advantage of your position, while his other hand held you to his lips.

Over half the table was making out with each other and Jay was tongue fucking you in front of his friends. You were feeling it until you felt Jay tense and shudder.

You pulled away from him, and spoke in a whisper, “Did you?”

Jay nodded, “I’m sorry, it just- happened.”

“How bad is it?”

Jay moved to let you see while using you to block everyone else’s view. There was a dark spot forming in his denim, and getting bigger.

“Are you still going!?”

Jay bit his lip, holding himself together with strands of sanity. He could only look up at you with slight shame.

You checked on his friends. They’d stopped kissing, and Jungwon and Ni-ki sat laughing at everyone. Sunoo was scolding Sunghoon for being embarrassing. Jake was still trying to deny anything while Heeseung looked like he was trying to dive in for a second round.

This would be the best time to leave.

“Hey guys, it was so awesome getting to me you all, but I think Jay’s ready to go home now,” you announced to the table.

There was an overall mumble of agreement and understanding.

The sober people figured out rides for everyone. You stopped drinking early on and didn’t even finish your drink, so you’d take Jay. Ni-ki would take Jake and Heeseung. Sunghoon and Sunno would ride with Jungwon since both seemed a little too distracted to drive safely.

Everyone went their separate ways as you helped Jay to his feet, covering his pants with his jacket and your body.

In the car, Jay kept whispering how much he loved you as he drifted off to sleep.

At least meeting his friends was interesting…

#oracle of dreams #kpop x male reader #kpop x male reader smut #enhypen fanfiction #enhypen #enhypen imagines #enhypen x reader #jay enhypen #jay enha #x male reader #x male y/n #x male smut

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xiatarot · 11 months ago

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pick a pile: how do they feel about you?

< choose an image >

for entertainment purposes only.

take what resonates, leave what doesn't. ♡

your person sees you as someone that changed them for the better. communication with you for them has always been very introspective and your words and way of doing things always pushed them to become the best version of themselves. they see you as someone very kind and sweet, someone nurturing and full of love who likes to take care of the people in their life and make them happy. you make them feel very calm, i’m hearing ‘like coming back home after a long day at work’. they hold so much respect and admiration towards you. a lot of affection as well.

i’d be surprised if you and this person were in communication right now, because it seems like there’s distance between you two and a lot has been left unsaid. i don’t think this person has ever told you how they feel about you, i feel like they want to keep this hidden, so if they’re acting really distant and not communicating, that’s why.

they have a lot of anxiety towards this situation, because they want to come forward and open up their heart to you, but they might fear rejection or a situation that won’t go anywhere. i think that if they want to have something with you, they want it to be secure and long lasting. despite their fears, i do think they’re gonna come forward and very soon as well. they have a lot they want to say to you but as of now they’re still just daydreaming about it.

when they do come forward, they’re going to do it in a very lighthearted way, they might crack some jokes here and there or just act like they don’t care much, but they’ll be freaking out on the inside. they will want to test the waters first and then they might drop a bomb on you very unexpectedly, telling you how they truly feel. you might be caught off guard.

zodiac signs: taurus, leo, sagittarius

channeled song:

get your personal reading here: ♡

II.

your person definitely has romantic feelings for you, however i don’t think they’re ready to tell you that. you might be in the same friend group or have just known each other for a very long time, i’m hearing childhood friends. it seems like they’re scared to open up because they’re not really sure about how you feel and if they told you and you didn’t accept their feelings, things between you two would become awkward and they don’t want to lose the connection you two already have. if they want to come forward, they want to make sure that they’re not risking losing your friendship in the midst of it all.

they might’ve tried to open up to you in the past, maybe in a social setting, because i’m seeing them regretting not doing it and wondering how things would be now if they did. you’re really a dream come true to this person and inside of them they’re very determined to make your friendship more than just that but i think that when they see you all of their courage turns into weakness, and they let their insecurities and fears take over.

they might be putting a facade on, in order not to let you know how they truly feel, and that is hurting them deeply. they’re giving me a very frustrating energy.

you and this person could have had past lives together.

they might ask you indirect questions sometimes in order to understand if there’s a possibility of you reciprocating their feelings. i think the universe is kinda pushing them towards you so that you two can finally be together.

zodiac signs: aquarius, taurus, leo

channeled song:

get your personal reading here: ♡

III.

this person is fighting with their feelings right now. i feel like they do have strong romantic feelings for you but they’re just not ready to acknowledge them at the moment, so they’re trying to convince themselves that they don’t feel anything, but, big spoiler, they do, and it’s a lot. i feel a very very strong sexual energy, so if you were intimate with this person i feel like they just can’t get it out of their head. maybe they expected this to just be a physical thing, but it turned out they want more with you. this could be someone that’s not used to genuine romantic relationships and just prefers to keep things physical. could be a bit of a control freak too, and that’s why this situation is very frustrating for them.

they do want to open up and tell you about this but i feel like their ego is way too strong right now and they’re letting it lead them. they could be making up excuses as to why they can’t tell you about this or how things could go terribly wrong if they did. this person will have to figure out some stuff, do some shadow work and understand the reason why they act the way they do before they can commit to someone and have a healthy relationship.

they might be acting cold towards you and i wouldn’t be surprised if they ghosted you even. there’s a lot going on internally for them and i feel like you unconsciously triggered some stuff that they’ve been trying to suppress for a very long time.

as of now i don’t see them coming towards you in the near future because they need to work on themselves, and my advice for you would be to detach and just let things flow. focus on yourself and your needs and if this person is destined to be in your life, they will be when the time is right.

zodiac signs: leo, aquarius, gemini, libra

channeled song:

get your personal reading here: ♡

#tarot #love tarot reading #tarot cards #daily tarot #tarot community #tarot deck #tarot reader #tarot reading #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #xiatarot #pick a pile #pick a picture #pick a card #pick an image #Spotify

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justalia · 1 year ago

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address the feeling

recently i’ve been thinking about my understandings of the law and i decided to read again some of the stuff i read at the beginning of my journey. i’m glad i did because i now have a deeper understanding of what i thought i understood before, but actually never truly grasped its full meaning.

i have to be honest with you sometimes i still have my moments of anxiety, i still have my mind wondering if i’m doing things right and once in a while i still ask myself if i’m doing enough. shocking right? from my posts you may be thinking that there’s no one that understands the law better than me and you may be thinking “she must have the most perfect self concept i can’t wait to get there”

truth is: we are all humans at the end of the day and we are gonna have our moments, no one is better than anybody and the fact that my posts have helped people fill my heart with joy because i do not think of myself as a teacher, i merely try to share the notes of what i studied for myself and try to write it in a way that can reach anyone easily.

i haven’t felt inspired to post something in a while now, i was just numb cause i thought “there’s nothing else i could possibly share my thoughts on” and i have drafts of posts i have started writing but never finished because i didn’t feel called to do it and i don’t like to force myself to write something.

all my posts come from a burst of inspiration and i write them all at once (or at least i try) seizing the moment in which i feel the most inspired.

this being said what i’m about to address in this post is probably the most important teaching i have come across while reading the source and reading some material again has struck me with inspiration.

————————————————————————

“feeling is the secret.”

what does that mean?

to say that feeling is the secret is to say that feeling is the womb in which all things are born, when felt an idea has to be expressed whether you like it or not, unless you change the feeling and fuse your imagination with its opposite.

you see your physical world has no way of existing if it wasn’t for your imagination, it reflects that and the ideas you believe to be true.

“yeah alia you’ve said that”

i know i know, i have addressed this, these are the basics, but bear with me.

pay attention to what i’ve just said “it reflects the ideas you believe to be true”.

how tiring does that sound? does that mean we have to change our beliefs? does that mean we have to do shadow work and see what ingrained belief we have to dismount?

it doesn’t.

self is what we believe to be true and what gets reflected? self.

inevitably when we start to think about this we think we have to find a magical way to change our beliefs and to trick our mind into believing something new about ourselves or we pretend in hopes to fake it till we make it. we begin this journey prepared to train ourselves, prepared to do dozens of techniques and we fill ourselves with hope.

self is what we believe to be true in this world of imagination, our beliefs get reflected and this is why not every single thing we imagine gets reflected. yes, imagination gets always reflected and it happens instantly, but for that to happen you must believe in the reality of said idea.

what is a belief?

a belief is something, an idea, a concept YOU feel to be true. you is the key word because the sole operant power is you, in your life your world operates according to your assumptions, in your life there is no other creator but imagination, YOUR imagination.

a belief is something you feel to be true because a belief it’s just an idea and it’s powerless until we feel it to be true.

why do we feel it to be true? we decide it is.

you decided that your friend was rude to you because they don’t want to be your friend anymore; you decided that your partner was losing feelings because they were distant one day; you decided you were going to fail the test even if days away because you didn’t feel good enough.

you decided the reason your friend was rude to you was because they didn’t want to be your friend anymore, even if just yesterday they asked you to hang out.

you decided the reason your partner was acting a bit distant today was because they are losing feelings, even if just yesterday they said how much they loved you and bought you flowers.

you decided you were going to fail the test before you even started studying for it because you decided you weren’t smart enough, even if the last test you did went beautifully.

you have been making decisions dismissing the senses your whole life and probably occupying states that do not serve you at all without even realizing it. you have misused your power for so many years it feels too good to be true to finally realize it’s all in your hands.

to decide that your friend was rude because they don’t want to be your friend is just as easy as deciding they just had a bad day and accept that as true.

to decide that your partner is losing feelings because they are acting a bit distant today is just as easy as deciding they just were busy today and accept that as true.

to decide that you’re going to pass the test and that you are smart enough is just as easy to accept as true.

how? how can i accept that as true if reality is showing me the opposite? how can i accept it as true if i failed in the past?

we always disregard appearances, we always disregard and dismiss the senses and accept things as true based on our imagination. there is no outside reality because the true reality is within and as within so without. you accepted it as true and now it is expressing in your life, your mirror is just reflecting what you decided to be true, you had no other proof when you started assuming those negative things about yourself and about others.

think about it! when you first started worrying your partner was losing feelings, did you have proof of it? did you have concrete proof that made you think they wanted to dump you? i think you made an assumption, decided it was true hoped with all your heart it wasn’t, but felt it to be true and soon you were provided with proof and there you go: “just like i thought”.

you decide everything all the damn time!! trust me this is nothing new, the thing is that when it comes to positive things we want to believe to be true we think we need proof, and what is proof? the permission to believe something as true. the 3D never played a part in this, when it came to you assuming negative things about yourself or about others you didn’t think about how it wasn’t true on the outside, did you? when you started feeling insecure in your relationship and worried they would dump you, did you think about how it wasn’t “real” on the outside? did you worry about how the outside was opposite so it couldn’t possibly be true?

no, you didn’t.

you decided it was true, trusted it, dismissed the senses even when completely opposite and soon enough the universe, god, whatever you believe in, provided proof for you.

the power we have is the power of dismissing the senses, the power of deciding what is true or not. and you do that using imagination as your instrument. yes, imagination gets expressed but imagination is not just the silly little scenarios you make up, imagination is your mental activity and what gets expressed is what you believe to be true in imagination.

again when it came to negative stuff you were well aware that the outside was opposite from what you believed to be true but you didn’t care one bit and it still manifested into your life. your lover was distant one day, you assumed they lost feelings, the next day they tell you how much they love you and you assume they are lying, you assume the outside isn’t as true as what you believe to be true inside.

you sustain that feeling, you trust it, and it gets expressed.

you never actually waited to look at your partner and see them telling you they were losing feelings before you assumed they were. you never worried about what the 3D was showing you, you never CARED for it.

when you assume something new about yourself and you imagine yourself to already be the one you wish to be you do so because by imagining you are experiencing it in the true reality. imagining it to be already realized helps because your imagination is a tool, it’s an instrument that makes it easier to trust the new idea you decided to assume about yourself because you actually experienced it.

when you imagine yourself in a new state and you do so by, for example, conjuring up a scene, you do so because you want to experience what you desire. you want to live it, you want to experience it and feel it to be true, that’s what the scenes are for, you visualize a scene that implies your objective realized and you indulge in that peacefully enjoying it.

you don’t have to necessarily visualize scenes, affirm, or do this or that technique. these are just tools, methods you can use to use your imagination in a way that is most comfortable to you. for example i am naturally a visualizer so to get myself in a new state sometimes i find it helpful to conjure up a scene that implies my objective realized and experience it, i enjoy it fully and when i open my eyes i trust the implications of that scene to be true, i just experienced it, who’s gonna tell me i didn’t?

what you need more than anything is to give yourself permission to trust in the reality of imagination, that’s the only thing you need.

yes, you are allowed to believe you are good enough for that job; you are allowed to believe you are safe and secure in relationships; you are allowed to believe anything you want no matter how far fetched it might seem.

you can be so bold with your scenes, or your affirmations. you imagine the most perfect scene or say the most wonderful affirmations but i dare you to be as brave with feeling as you are with your scenes and your words.

i dare you to accept it is true, i dare you to believe it is true because you said it is, and then again i’m not talking about the outside!!! i’m talking about imagination because imagination is the only reality. if it is true in imagination and it is because you can just DECIDE it is, then it’s truth. there’s nothing more to do on your part, you just sustain that state and everything else will take care of itself.

free yourself entirely in your mind and accept as truth whatever you desire to be true about yourself, you can imagine yourself to be confident, smart, beautiful, loved, cared for and you can give yourself permission to accept it to be true inside of imagination and see yourself exactly how you want to see yourself.

stop caring about how it’ll happen or if it will happen or what will happen and just FEEL.

FEEL WHATEVER YOU TRULY WANT TO FEEL.

address the feeling

what do i mean by that?

pay attention to your mental activity for one day and see where your mind wonders naturally, that will tell you your current state.

let’s say you get ugly thoughts, you think you’re not enough and that you are going to fail the test you have in two weeks. pay attention to your mental activity and see how the thoughts FOLLOW the feeling, and not viceversa. first you get the feeling of unworthiness and then you start thinking “i’m not enough i will fail i can’t do this”, there is no inherent truth in those thoughts.

it may be difficult to notice at first but everything starts from a feeling and then the thoughts follow. there is no thought you have to flip because they hold no truth and no power by themselves, they are simply a manifestation of your FEELING.

fearful feeling gives birth to fearful thoughts. anxious feeling gives birth to anxious thoughts. lonely feeling gives birth to thoughts of loneliness. insecure feeling gives birth to insecure thoughts.

the only reason why you believe something to be true is because you FEEL it. there’s no actual truth in those fearful, anxious, insecure thoughts.

YOU FELT FEAR and the fearful thoughts came along and then you started worrying about them manifesting into your life. YOU FELT INSECURE and the thoughts of insecurity and unworthiness came alone and you started feeling bad about yourself and unworthy of your desire.

just as easily as you felt insecure you can feel secure, just as easily as you felt fear you can feel safe.

you create the feeling you desire to feel and you indulge in that, you FEEL it because why would you deny yourself of such experience if you can have it?

why would you deny yourself from experiencing what you want in your own mind? why would you create blockages? why don’t you feel what you want to feel? because you are scared? scared of what? of it not working? working for what?

this is not a method for fuck’s sake. this is not a technique!!! this is how you are living, this is how you have lived and how you’ll always live.

change your feeling, allow yourself to feel what you want to feel and thoughts will naturally come from that, and from thoughts will come actions and from actions will come events. NATURALLY.

there’s no work on your part, meaning that you don’t have to worry about what you need to think or do, you will naturally do that. and this goes for opposite action too: if you’re manifesting to pass all your tests with straight A’s and you go and decide to sit on your ass all day without studying you are still messing with the how! you are pretending you have something IN THE MIRROR when you DON’T! you have it in imagination ONLY. your job is to change self and you don’t change self by pretending or acting as if you have something in the mirror.

your job is to simply FINALLY give yourself permission to actually FEEL.

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