#and I STILL can’t consistently keep up with brushing and flossing

[goldkirk]

If anyone remembers all the dental work I needed done uhhhhhhh three years ago and never went back and ran away forever…I’m finally going back to a dentist on Thursday to restart the process and face my deep and utter abiding terror. And I also scheduled my COVID and flu vaccines for a couple hours later. And my psych appointment to restart meds.

I figured get it all done in one day, have my miserable immune reaction on Friday that I seem to always get with Moderna COVID shots, and then flee directly into the weekend and never be a person again except when I’m on and off crying. It’s going to be so kind to future me to get these things done and I can do it no matter how much I feel like I am constantly about to Actually Physically Die.

[shiftylookingcrow]

A (not comprehensive) List of Little Self Care Things I Do When Everything Feels Like Too Much:

Bathing

Wash just your body, or just your hair. You may not be completely clean, but you ARE cleaner

Still feels like too much? No problem!

Take off any jewelry from your hands/wrists and wash your hands up to your elbows, just taking your time

Then wash your arm pits and groin, those are the stinkiest parts of the body

If you're feeling up to it, wash your face too

Once you're done washing, take your favorite body lotion and massage it in anywhere you washed

Shaving

Shaving takes time and patience (especially if you prefer to be mostly hairless), but you don't have to go through the whole process every time

Wanna wear that cute tank top/crop top but don't feel comfortable with how hairy your pits are today?

JUST shave your arm pits then

Wanna wear shorts/capries/a skirt, but feel your legs are too fuzzy?

Where on your legs do the cuffs/hem sit? JUST shave from there down

Facial hair looking kinda scruffy? Got an electric shaver? It won't give you as close a shave as a razor, but it'll help neaten you up a bit

After any shaving, get back in there with your lotion and work it in well

Laundry

Don't have the energy to drag that big basket you've been avoiding down to the washing machine? Out of clothes but need something to wear tomorrow?

Wash ONLY what you'll need for the next 1 or 2 days. A smaller load means less to put away after

Need a bra/binder/mask/etc for tomorrow? Wash ONE, then hang it to dry with a fan blowing on it.

The air movement will help it dry faster, and while it may not be 100% dry by morning, it should be dry enough to wear comfortably

This can be done for underwear and socks as well

Dental

Mouth feeling like sandpaper, but you still can't find it in you to go through the whole tooth care routine?

JUST brush your teeth before bed. You can floss in the morning

No energy to get in there and really scrub like your dentist told you to? Even just a quick scrub is better than nothing

You know those little Gum brand toothpick things? With runber bristles on them? They can't replace proper flossing, but the CAN at least get the worst of the gunk from between your teeth

Food

Hungry but can't bring yourself to put together a whole meal? That's okay!

Get all the fixings for a sandwich (bread, spreads, cheese, meat, etc), put them on a plate and eat that. You're still eating a sandwich, it's just not an assembled sandwich

Want a smoothy, but don't want to fuss with the blender? Put it all together as a yogurt bowl instead

Want a salad? Grab a couple lettuce leaves, a stick of celery, half a tomato, or whatever else you'd have in there, and toss it on a plate. Grab some dressing (or not) and you've got a personal size veggie platter

Cut an orange in half and eat the pulp out with a spoon

Cut an apple in half, and eat JUST one half. You can save the other half for later, or eat it right after the first if you feel up to it

Cutting a banana in half and squeezing out the fruit means you don't have to worry about those gross stringy bits

Simple Smoothie Recipe:

1 banana

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp honey/sugar

Milk (dairy, soy, almond, whichever)

Berries, yogurt, chocolate chips, jam (optional)

Directions

Put all ingredients except milk in a blender (or 4 cup measure if using a hand mixer)

Pour in milk until ingredients are ALMOST covered. There should be about 1 inch/2.5 cm of solid ingredients visible

Blender/mix for 30-60 seconds, or until desired consistency. Pour into your favorite glass, or drink straight from the container

Simple baked potato:

Clean a medium to large potato and use a fork to stab holes down the sides and at each end. Depending on the size, you should have stab your potato somewhere around 9-12 times.

Place the potato in the microwave just off of center, one end facing the center of the spinning plate

Microwave for 15 minutes, flipping the potato end for end after every 5 minutes

Put the potato on a plate with some sour cream or ranch dressing, and dip it like a big ol' french fry

House Cleaning

Feel like there's too many dishes? Pick ONE place setting (bowl, plate, knife, fork, spoon, cup), and ONE pot/pan, and clean those. Do the same at the end of each meal, and while it might take a while, you'll eventually get things down to a manageable level

Dust bunnies breeding in the corners? Pick ONE room or hallway every couple days and just clean there. ONE clean room is better than NO clean rooms

Your room is so messy you don't know where to start? Every time you enter your room, put ONE thing back where it belongs. Every time you leave your room, take one thing that doesn't belong out with you and put it where it belongs.

Sink looking kind of gross? Give it a quick wipe down the next time you wash your hands

Toilet needs a clean? Pick a part (lid, seat, back or bowl) and just clean that bit. Even if you're just wiping some of the dust off the back.

Scum ring building up in the shower/bathtub? Give it a quick scrub next time you bathe. Maybe you don't get the whole thing, but you DID make a start.

Fitness

No energy for a full walk? If you can, walk around your house/apartment building. You might not have gone far, but you were UP and you were OUTSIDE.

Can't get out for whatever reason? Are there stairs in your house? In your apartment building? If you can, walk up and down those a few times.

Not really able to do stairs? Do some simple stretches instead.

Reach down and try to touch your toes, holding for 20 seconds. Reach up over your head as high as you can, holding for 20 seconds. Repeat 5 times

Sitting in a chair, reach your right hand across your body and over your left shoulder and try to grab the back of the chair without lifting your butt. Hold for 20 seconds. Do the same with your left arm, holding for 20 seconds. Repeat 5 times

Standing, or sitting on a chair, gently pull your head towards your shoulder (right hand, right shoulder; left hand, left shoulder), reaching the other hand down towards the ground. Hold for 20 seconds, then gently push your head upright again (lifting your head with just your neck muscles can cause them to seize after a stretch). Repeat 5 times

Miscellaneous

Need to trim your nails, but don't feel like sitting through both hands? Pick one finger on each hand, and just trim that nail. Do another nail on each hand tomorrow, and another the day after that. You don't have to do them all at once

Having trouble remembering to drink enough water? Find a water bottle/mug/glass that you like and try to keep it near you as much as possible. I find actually having a bottle with me helps me remember to keep sipping.

Still having trouble with your water intake? Fruit and veggies (specifically like apples, oranges, tomatoes, bell peppers and avocados to name a few) have high water content and can help keep you hydrated

Even if you can't get to sleep, lieing in bed with your eyes closed is more restful than trying to wear yourself out by reading or something

Alternatively, doing some mild stretches, or a few sit ups/push ups/jumping jacks can help wear you out without engaging your brain too much

You are aloud to say "no". You don't even need to give a reason. If everything feels like too much, taking on more responsibility will only make it worse, which will only make your output poorer as a result.

A reminder that this is by no means a complete list, just some things I've found helpful in my journey through adhd, depression, and anxiety. Not all tasks need to be done all at once. Maybe you can't do much, but that doesn't invalidate the some you did. Just because you take longer to do a task doesn't mean your bad at it, or that it isn't worth doing. You'll get there when you get there.

Please feel free to add to this post, I'd love to see what self care tricks other people are using!

[billionairebabes]

Trophy Wife Aesthetics for Black Women

“Hi! What do you think are the non-negotiables of being a trophy wife? Aesthetically. For black women. I think white women have a different level up journey.”

I was asked this question in a chat but I wrote so much information that I figured I should share my response with you all as well. I’ll try to make this as concise as possible. 

I’ll start by saying that aesthetically, Black women have to be more than cute. White women are considered beautiful just for being white, we don’t get that privilege, you know? However, being beautiful isn’t the end all be all. There are plenty of black trophy wives that aren’t naturally “beautiful” but they present well. Presentation is everything kind of like food. It may taste great but you may not even want to touch it if it’s presented poorly. 

Here are my personal non-negotiables: 

1. Keep your hair done. This doesn’t mean keep your hair in a weave or wig 24/7. You can be natural too. One of the more affluent men I dated actually preferred my natural hair over wigs. But make sure it’s well taken care of, always. Deep condition, moisturize, detangle etc. Use clips in if you need the extra volume. If you’re going to do weaves and wigs, make sure your closure is “undetectable”. Keep flyaways in order with an oil or mousse. Carry a brush and comb with everywhere to touch up every now and then but not in front of him if possible.

2. Your skin has to be pretty taken care of as well. If you’re his wife, you’re going to be waking up to him every morning. I don’t believe in waking up earlier than my man to put on light makeup and stuff. Men aren’t even worth that lol. But DO try to achieve great skin so that you still are pretty when you wake up. Doesn’t have to be perfect. Many people don’t have perfect skin. But make sure you’re washing, toning, moisturizing blah blah. I’m starting to follow the 10-step Korean skincare routine. It’s on my blog If you guys want to check it out. I’ve been investing a significant amount of time in learning what acids do what and how they can address my specific concerns. Good skin overall just makes you look wealthier too. So on “no-makeup” days, you can just do eyebrows, and lipgloss and mascara if you don’t have lash extensions and still look put together. Affluent men tend to enjoy outdoor activities, there will be times when you don’t wanna be in a full face but you can if you want to. The same goes for skin on the rest of your body as well. I shower about two times a day so I moisturize my body two times a day. To moisturize I use a mixture of oils, shea butter and regular lotion. I moisturize my hands every time I wash them too. Once or twice a week, I do a full-body exfoliation. I have a dry brush that I use and occasionally, I opt for a scrub instead. 

3. Take care of your teeth - Straight white teeth against melanated skin is >>>>. Plus it makes you look prettier, more put together, and of course, wealthier. Straightening teeth is expensive but a worthy investment. If you can’t straighten now, just whiten and take good care of your teeth in the meanwhile. Brush twice daily, floss daily, and whiten throughout the week. 

4. Keep your nails done. Can’t be too long or else we’re considered “ghetto” I usually go about medium length but a lot of blogs will suggest short. My man loved my medium length nails lol. I usually go for softer colors like baby pink, sometimes white. If I’m not able to go to the salon, I clean and file my nails down to an even length and paint them with a clear polish. It’s hard to make a mess of clear polish and my nails still look nice and shiny. I pop collagen pills to improve their strength because I naturally have weaker nails that break pretty easily. 

5. Wardrobe. Try to build a timeless wardrobe with a lot of basics you can build on and mix and match. For example, blazers are a staple for me. I wear them with jeans but I can mix them with trousers too. Then I have hella basic bodysuits I can wear with either combo. An easy trick for me is to buy a ton of neutrals. I’m not a big color person so it’s easy for me to shop this way. However, do not let my preferences deter you. Black women own color, if this is your style, go for it full throttle but be tasteful. I usually go more colorful on vacations. There are tons of articles out there on how to build a good wardrobe though. 

6. Stay in shape - I won’t say there’s a specific body type you need to have but take care of your body. I’m still working on working out consistently but because of skinny privilege I’ve been able to lack in that department and still be perceived as “fit”. Currently, I try to do flexibility stretching and exercise on Monday, Wednesday & Fridays. Stretch on weekends. If you get cosmetic surgery like a BBL, breast job etc. make sure it’s fitting for your frame. 

7. Lastly, this doesn’t apply to aesthetics but I feel as though black women have to DO SOMETHING to be snatched up as trophy wives. We don’t get pulled into that position just for being pretty as often as white woman do. For example, Alexis O. Of Reddit wifed Serena Williams who is the best tennis player in the world. Not some random girl he thought was cute. Prince Harry wifed Megan Markle who was not only a successful actress but also had an outstanding educational background to match. Janet Jackson married billionaire businessman, Wissam Al Mana. Now of course, many of us aren’t that successful yet but hopefully you get the point. Men in positions of higher status want to know that you can fit into his lifestyle and don’t have beans for brains. Having something going for yourself also gives him something to invest in. Men like to feel needed or helpful but not used. 

Additionally, owning a business or working in corporate greater increases your chances of mingling with men in positions to make you a trophy wife. There’s a reason why college sugar babies are so successful but for women past that stage, have a career, have a small business. Do SOMETHING. It also creates a safety net for you as well. Men can be unpredictable and can do horrible things. I read an article once about a man who hid his entire fortune in offshore shell companies when him and his wife were divorcing so that she wouldn’t be able to get anything. It took her lawyer literal years to untangle that web of shell accounts he spun. Running your own business or even having a solid set of skills saves you in the event of the worst of the worst. Your life shouldn’t crumble to pieces if this man decides to divorce you. Same goes for even being the spoiled girlfriend of a wealthy man. Having a wealthy boyfriend or husband is one thing, knowing how to use him as a resource is another. Girls who truly win at this game walk away from these relationships with more than a few handbags and a baby. 

Good Luck Ladies! 🥂

[rudjedet]

Hi I saw the teeth brushing thing and I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how to get back into the habit of brushing teeth? As of right now I think I’ve probably brushed my teeth only once in the past month. I know I need to do it, I’m terrified of developing dental problems, and I can’t pinpoint any sensory issues I have with doing it but I’ve been consistently terrible at doing it regularly since childhood and it’s gotten exponentially worse over the past year or so. I feel like the answer is probably along the lines of “just start doing it” but you said it took you like 6 months after you gave birth so I thought maybe you figured out some strategies in there. Currently I’m planning on getting disposable brushes to keep in my room by my bed but that shouldn’t be my whole solution

I’ve also always been terrible at it, mostly because toothpaste hurts my mouth and makes me nauseous. I suspect I have an oral allergy to the anise components in most brands. As long as I can remember I’ve tried to brush my teeth as little as humanly possible while still avoiding getting cavities, which effectively means only brushing my teeth in the mornings, and then mostly because I was afraid of other people smelling bad breath on me. When you give birth in a pandemic, you... don’t see a lot of other people, so the main reason for brushing just disappeared and with it any sense of urgency I had. That urgency only returned after three months and I started actually seeing (and feeling, oh my god, terrible) the buildup of the tartar on my lower back teeth, but by then it’s a bit too late to do something about it yourself. 

I tried to build my teeth care into my daughter’s bedtime routine, and that sort of worked for a few weeks. But then I started forgetting again because she wasn’t sleeping well and I got increasingly more exhausted. It then took me another three months to actually phone my cousin to book a cleaning appointment. I got lucky, because she’d just had a cancellation and could see me two days later. I used that appointment as my “okay, NOW we’re going to keep it up again” turning point. By this time C took a bath every evening, which gave me five guaranteed free minutes every day. This time it mostly worked, though I’m definitely still forgetting it every once in a while. 

So for me, the first and biggest thing was finding out why I was struggling with brushing my teeth. Tthis could be as simple as being unable to form a habit - for me it’s also partly that, for an autistic i really suck at making habits out of things. But the biggest thing is the toothpaste. So I found a brand that doesn’t put anise in their pastes and lo and behold, that’s one barrier down. 

Then it was a matter of finding workarounds for my lack of energy. This was the step where I had a lot of swings and misses. Eventually I just made sure I had a plan A through Z. Plan A was “brush my teeth when I’m doing something I already do every day and which I can’t NOT do” - in my case, daughter’s bed routine. Plan B was “if I can’t brush my teeth, I’ll use a chlorhexidine rinse”. Plan C was “I’ll just floss”. Plan D was “I’ll rub my teeth with a clean washcloth”. Etcetera.

So my two tips would definitely be to see if you can figure why you’re struggling with it, and then have a number of different options/workarounds based on that, in order of the amount of spoons they take. Those disposable brushes are a good one, I’d just add a few other options as well. For me that takes some of the pressure off and that made it easier to start building up the habit again. Also having a sort of turnaround moment, like a dental appointment, was really helpful for me. 

Finally, if you can only brush your teeth once a day? Then you can only brush your teeth once a day. (Though if you do this, it’s best to chose the evenings, not the mornings like I did - but I’m lucky in the sense that my teeth are pretty solid and the only time I’ve had cavities was when I was on antidepressants.) If you only have to take that hurdle once a day, it might be easier, too. And maybe eventually you’ll go back to twice a day, who knows! but once a day is still better than none a day. 

[wireless-art]

For the @gerrymichael-bigbang event. 

(Click for best quality, this pic is big).

Adjacent to Human by @prentissed

It’s Michael who gets the idea, when they happen to pass by an old, inexplicably terrifying dentist advertisement on the road.

It stretches across a faded billboard, lone in the stretches of desert that surround them, featuring a gargantuan set of grinning teeth being poked and prodded by metal tools. Text overlaid above reads, ‘Every tooth has its end. Eckleburg & Co.’

“Oh, look at that,” says Michael, like he’s just seen a particularly cute cat picture. “I can’t remember the last time an actual doctor examined me.” He sighs. “I wonder how many teeth I have now.”

Gerry looks up briefly from the magazine he’d been peeling through to circle job offers. “Huh.” He wonders why an advertisement would deliberately make itself so existentially horrifying. “Well, I dunno, we could always take an x-ray of you or something. That’s not impossible, right?”

Michael makes an excited noise that briefly removes all sound from Gerry’s right ear. “It might be!”

So that’s how they get the idea to quote-unquote ‘borrow’ some medical equipment. It’s more simple than Gerry thinks it’ll be. Michael just pops them in and out of an empty lab and they take the x-rays before anyone notices. (And for the record, they aren’t careless. Gerry has a fair bit of medical knowledge, in fact, left over from the long-forgotten years when he’d been studying for a doctorate. He’d had dreams once.)

As Michael lies back on the examination table, twiddling his thumbs, Gerry asks, “Why’re you interested in this kind of thing, anyway? I thought you didn’t like having… knowledge about yourself.”

“I don’t,” he lilts, “but sometimes I get curious, you know? Anyone would. No one in the world knows how I work. Not even me.” One of his hands waves fingers just a touch too long. “Besides, there’s no guarantee this will even give that information. Or maybe it’ll be knowledge man wasn’t meant to know.”

“I see,” Gerry says flatly, starting up the machine. “Hold still for a sec.”

After all x-rays have been scanned (and equipment hastily abandoned at the startled screams of returning doctors) Gerry sits with Michael on the couch back in their apartment, rifling through the pictures they managed to snag.

Truth be told, he can’t help but be curious too. Whatever Michael’s insides look like, they definitely count as some sort of once-in-a-century medical anomaly… and maybe, maybe it bothers Gerry a bit that he doesn’t know what’s going on in there either. Don’t judge him. It’s his fucking boyfriend.

“Where do you wanna start?”

Michael hums from where his head is pillowed on Gerry’s lap. “In the spirit of Eckleburg, how about teeth?”

“I hope you’ve been flossing,” Gerry mutters.

The average person has 32 teeth, including incisors, canines, molars, and premolars. Michael has upwards of two hundred and forty-seven. No discernable categories between any— some are almost normal-looking, some are ingrown and nubby, others sharp as blades and spiraling out in jagged hooks, occasionally doubled up like emerging baby teeth. They’re jammed into the vague space where the mouth cavity should be.

“I hope it isn’t a turnoff.” Michael grins. In the flesh, he doesn’t have nearly that many. Well, sure, it’s more toothy than any human-adjacent thing has any right to be, but 247? Gerry counts and recounts. The number remains surprisingly consistent.

“No, no. You’re fine.” It’d be pretty hypocritical if Gerry went around judging someone for the state of their dental. He’s gotten a few knocked out himself— there are some gaps he’s never filling back in.

Besides, Gerry’s long since gotten used to Michael’s smiles. Even if he agrees with the general consensus that they look like “puncture wounds with molars”, they’re all part of Michael’s distinctly unnerving charm. He’s gotten used to a lot these past years.

“Okay, okay, what about the rest of my skull?” Michael claps his hands like a kid about to go on a roller coaster. “I wonder if I still have one.”

“You do,” Gerry confirms. “It’d be pretty wild if you didn’t and still had the capacity to carry teeth.” He squints as he pores over the pictures. “No eye holes, though. And you have a few more nose cavities than usual.”

“Of course, of course.”

Every human has 24 coupled ribs (12 pairs total). Michael appears to have missed the memo, because the x-ray of his torso displays something so distended and crooked it barely looks like a real extension of a creature’s anatomy.

Gerry loses count after around 20 and he’s not even halfway down the left side. Looks asymmetrical too.

Again, when he glances over at Michael’s torso, it really doesn’t look like all that twisted bone is in him. When one gets to know Michael (as much as that’s possible) it’s actually the normalcy of his appearance that becomes weird after a while. It’s easy to forget Michael doesn’t look monstrous to 90% of the general population.

But in a way it’s kind of nice too. When Michael sheds that skin around him, Gerry’s getting a look at something more real— not real, probably not even comprehensible, but truer. 

“Let’s take a look at those hands…” Gerry flips the next picture over, does a triple take, and scoffs. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“What? What?”

“These look normal.” Eight carpals, five metacarpals, fourteen phalanges; all lined up neatly in little rows. No unusual curves or even crookedness in the joints. It’s a perfectly ordinary, human-presenting hand.

Michael seems to find this one particularly amusing. He muffles his laughter into his fist, which Gerry glares annoyedly at— like a camera fading in and out of focus, it goes from regular to the inhumanly distended appendage he knows it is. Most people are lucky (or rather, profoundly unlucky) to get even a glimpse. Gerry suspects maybe it’s because he’s spent so much time around Michael; still, the cognitive dissonance gnaws at his brain the longer he looks at it. He doesn’t like his eyes lying to him.

As if to placate him, Michael reaches out and touches his wrist. Now this is a feeling Gerry really knows— something much larger than a hand, heavy, alternately soft and sharp, settling like a sack of stones into his grasp. The skin rasps against his. The texture is more akin to that of a sandbag. Now, that’s something uniquely Michael. It’s an oddity that has become a signature of their shared life between each other.

“Now come on,” Michael croons up to him, not unkindly. “You knew an X-ray couldn’t reveal everything, right? I have my secrets to keep after all.”

“Yeah. But I wanted to see you,” Gerry pouts, letting his face be held between too-large, too-scratchy, too-long hands. He runs his own fingers over one of them absentmindedly and Michael sighs. “Sometimes it just frustrates me that I can’t know you better.”

“There are things that you, nor humanity, aren’t meant to see. Besides,” he adds, nuzzling closer, “wouldn’t you say that knowing someone isn’t the same as understanding their anatomy? I could study textbook upon textbook and still never really grasp why you humans are the way you are.”

“Don’t get started on that,” Gerry rolls his eyes.

Michael gets insistently coy about these things, leveling little jabs implying humanity is some alien race to him when Gerry knows damn well he didn’t always used to be this way. He lets Michael have this because bringing it up tends to make him upset, and Gerry’s content letting him be a bit of a shithead if it makes him comfortable.

Still, though. Sometimes he’d like to ask what exactly’s so bad about being human. Maybe it’s perspective— there was never a time when Gerry wasn’t human, so how could he make that call?

“You know me well enough,” Michael says, smiling up at him softly with those wretched teeth. He takes one of Gerry’s wrists, one of his scarred and tattooed and utterly ordinary human limbs, and kisses his pulse point. “Be sated with this, darling. Don’t be like one of those Beholding folk, hungering for knowledge you can’t have.”

“But sometimes I like knowing things.” Gerry combs his free hand through Michael’s hair. It’s stiff and sharp at the edges, with the faint smell of straw. “Did you know there are over 7,000 nerve endings in the hand alone? Our fingers contain some of the densest areas of those endings in the body.” He watches Michael’s eyes slide shut. “Say what you will about us, but human beings have amazingly complex bodies. Like. It’s a wonder we’re here at all, with how easy it is for them to malfunction— and you have all that, compiled with the fact that it’s a statistical improbability for us to exist at all in the first place.”

He brushes his fingers over Michael’s cheek. “It’s terrifying being alive. The fact that we are alive is pretty astounding, though. That knowledge keeps me going sometimes.”

Michael has such a worn face. So close to human. Almost adjacent.

He sighs in Gerry’s lap. “Hm.” A pause. Then: “Gerry?”

“Yeah?”

“All that being said…” It’s not that Michael’s voice wavers, exactly, but the usual smile isn’t present in it. “Is there any part of this you would like to change if you could, then?” 

“Nah,” Gerry decides, leaning down to kiss his forehead. “It’s all part of your charm.”

[prozach27]

I keep wondering if my medication is working because I don’t suddenly feel ~stoked and happy~ after being on it for several weeks, but then I remember the fact that I do dishes now. I shower, I brush my teeth twice a day, I floss. I’ve begun a skin care routine. I don’t feel the need to drink or get high anymore — not because sobriety is something I’m struggling to achieve, but because the offers are available and they no longer interest me personally. I set up appointments. I show up to work on time and show up consistently. I no longer eat to experience emotion. I do dishes and clean my house without preparing for days to deal with the task.

Yeah, I’m an anxious mess at times still. Bureaucracy and small details still cause me trouble. But I feel the depression itself stepping back and not being as much of a problem anymore. My doctor said Wellbutrin won’t affect anxiety and so I guess that’s fair. He also sat me down last session and we went through some assessments. We have a final appointment on May 21st, but he said he’s pretty certain I have ADHD and we just need to do some final follow up testing at that appointment. From there he’s going to add a new medication to my schedule — Ritalin for adhd if he continues to believe thats part of my mental health struggles (and would then give me an official diagnosis), or some anti-anxiety medication if that’s not the case.

Idk how I feel about an adhd diagnosis since I don’t fit what a lot of the stereotypes I have in my head about it are, but my doc at UCLA had also said he thought I had it and it apparently has a high comorbidity rate with OCD, so I guess it makes sense and explains a lot of my issues. I just can’t imagine living in a world where I’m finally getting answers and treatments for my mental health problems. They got SO BAD when I hit 24-25. Like, full on mental breakdown that led to a drinking and drug spiral for years bad. But I think we’ve finally found an antidepressant that works and I feel like this upcoming diagnosis is the final missing piece of the puzzle that’s been bothering me for decades. I could finally be able to function normally.

But even if answers to everything else take ages, my antidepressants are working. I’m going to be okay.

[yvesdot]

Favorite book you read this year?Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions?

Favorite book you read this year?

You can’t do this to me. Oh my God.

Well, there’s The Coldest Girl in Coldtown, which is my favorite book of all time. Of course I reread it this year.

A brief list of books which I read this year that changed me as a person, or my outlook, or my life: Interview With The Vampire, The Best of Me, the life-changing magic of tidying up, Wicked, Thinking Fast and Slow, and The Left Hand of Darkness. Lots of genres and styles, so there should be something for anyone who wants a rec from me!

If I had to pick one, it would be The Best of Me by David Sedaris. Not only was it actually published this year, but it had a very specific feeling to it that I can’t describe. I needed this book.  

Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions?

YES! In fact, I kept most-- I can’t even recall what they were, my goodness, because they’ve become habits. I managed to get my sleep schedule fixed (and then busted it again lately, but it’s alright, I’ll fix it again now that I know how), and I started brushing my teeth like a normal person.

Let this be the evidence: no matter how terrible you feel over some or another ‘normal thing’ you just can’t seem to do, not only are you not alone, but you’re not hopeless. I have such awful sensory issues with brushing teeth; I will not get into them here but just let me say they’re the level where one might think this was just it for them. But it wasn’t! I am finally flossing nightly and brushing twice a day, and it’s such a relief. Not to mention showering consistently, which, as all people with Mental Problems know, can be very difficult. It turns out I just needed the routine.

Still working on the one where I correct people when they misgender me. Some people just don’t seem to hear. Oh, well; another year to improve!

(And, yes, yves. the published author’s primary resolutions were very basic and health-related. You can do it, too!)

end of the year asks

[csacg]

The title of this post is “Waiting To Fall Asleep.”

I’m in my bed. If I was Harry Styles, I would then sing “and you’re not here,” but I’m not so I am not planning on it :)

So I’m just in my bed then. My arms are a bit sore from working out with a good friend today. The gym was quite empty, and it was a good workout. Although my day started quite nicely after a long night of good sleep, I felt quite anxious this morning. It was good to workout early in the afternoon and blow off some steam. I’d had some leftover oatmeal with peanut butter for breakfast, so I wondered if the workout would make my stomach hurt, but it didn’t. We were on our feet for most of it, which probably helped with that too.

After the workout, my friend and I grabbed lunch. I ate light, which worked out to be just enough. After that I went back to my room and sat with my roommates for a bit before I headed to coffee with my RA/friend. We had a very nice chat where we both caught up and bonded over something that we had both been going through over the past few months. It was a talk I didn’t know that I needed to have. It felt good to connect on our shared struggle and know that we aren’t in this thing alone. Also, my coffee was very good. I put half of it in the fridge though so the caffiene wouldn’t keep me up too late. It’s not “too late” yet so I’m still hoping that sacrifice will have been worth it.

After the coffee, I came back to my room. My roommates were at practice. The sun was just starting the process of setting. I wasn’t quite sure what to do. I felt a little aimless. So I put on a record (Raised On Radio by Journey) and danced and sang while I did some ridding up. That was quite a nice time. When I was done, I went to heat up my dinner, and then brought it upstairs to eat while I watched a few episodes of Clone Wars. They were very good. I yelled at Anakin A LOT because he was being actually quite stupid for a moment there. But hey, he’s a little stupid so, what am I expecting from this guy? Anyways.

I’d finished eating, and was still watching the show when one of my roommates came back crying 🥺 I asked her how she was and she said she needed a few minutes. I felt that was a fair response considering her outward state. I turned off my show and just went back to where I was sitting while she moved around our room a bit and gathered some things for a shower. When she walked past again at a certain point, I told her that I was glad she’d been honest that she needs some space, and that if there came a moment where she did not need space, I was there for her. That seemed like it went over well with her, and she went on to take her shower. My other roommate came back shortly after that, but by this point, I was on Zoom with a dear friend group that can’t be together as we are all in very different places (2 of us on campus, 1 is two hours away, 1 is two hours away in a different direction, and 1 is in Chicago!). We had a very nice Zoom, but it was a bit awkward at a few moments as not all of us have talked recently. I mean, I’ve talked to everyone recently, but hey if the rest of them haven’t been as intentional, that’s on them. I love them all anyway.

The last part of my night was spent sitting in my living room while I wrote the news for tomorrow morning, one of my roommates read, and the other scrolled through her phone for a while. That was quite nice. My roomnates both went to bed pretty close together around 10, and I soon followed. I did my night routine which consists of brushing my teeth, water flossing, using the restroom, washing my face, applying my acne treatments and moisturizer, and applying chapstick. Tonight I decided not to follow that with time spent on my phone, but I usually do, and I’ve unfortunately being laying here for about an hour. Luckily, I can’t blame this on insomnia because my schedule is quite random due to a sheer lack of discipline, so I think my body just isn’t ready to be tired yet. But it has been a restful hour. I’ve stayed off my phone, though I’ve thought about getting on it a few times. I’ve been thinking about my friends, my habits, my jobs, my day, my body, my possessions, my faith, music, movies, sleep, and other things too.

I am hoping that I’ll fall asleep soon. My yawns are becoming more frequently, which is usually a good sign for me. I also think my body is used to me being on my phone before bed, so hopefully when I get off of here, that will have been helpful too. I’ve also been thinking about my cousin tonight. Among doing many other things tomorrow, I should shoot him a text and let him know I’m thinking of him. I love that man. I hope he understands that I think of him like a brother.

Okay, I think that’s enough for tonight. Good night, dear friends. I am grateful for you. Sleep tight all. E

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. Do you like having your picture taken? No.

2. Have you ever done a photo shoot, professional or non? I’ve had pictures taken at photo studios and I have a cousin who’s a photographer that did my college graduation photos.

3. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go and why? I mean, nowhere right now. BUT, there’s a lot of places I’d love to visit one day. Various countries and places here in the US. I just want to be able to travel a lot one day.

4. Who would you take with you on this little adventure? My family.

5. What would you say is the most daring thing to do in a lifetime? That’s going to be different for everyone of course, but basically something that pushes you out of your comfort zone. Conquering a fear.

6. Would you ever do that? I don’t know. 

7. Have you ever done crossword puzzles? Yeah. I much prefer word searches, though.

8. Ever actually completed one? Yeah.

9. Pick up the closest book and write a sentence at random from it. There isn’t a book near me.

10. Do the same with a lyric from either a cd or the radio. Nah.

11. Have you ever tried to analyze your own dreams? Yeah, many times. I’ve tried to look up what some things symbolize and what it might mean for me. 

12. Would you put up posters in your room? Yeah. I have some things hung up. 

13. Can you sing? I can’t sing well at all. I wish.

14. Do you ever sing to yourself while doing everyday tasks? Yes.

15. What's your favorite color of post-it note? Pink.

16. How many cassette tapes do you own? Zero.

17. How many cd's do you own? I don’t have any CDs anymore.

18. Ever bought a cd for just one song? I probably have. 

19. What would your perfect day consist of? Beach days are nice. Or since it’s winter, renting a cozy cabin in the snow sounds lovely.

20. Have you ever lied to get off the phone or out of talking to someone online? Yes.

21. Have you ever written a survey? Once. It was several years ago during the Xanga days. I wish I still had it saved.

22. How about a song? If so share it. No.

23. Or maybe a poem? If so share it or one of them. I dabbled with poetry when I was 16. I am definitely not sharing one, they’re super cringey.

24. Is your vcr flashing 12:00 all the time? I don’t have a VCR. Wow, cassette tapes and VCRs how old is this survey?

25. Do you read your horoscope? No.

26. If so, do you base your day on it? No, I’ve never been into astrology. I used to read it when I was younger like in an magazine, but it was always just for fun.

27. Would you rather chew gum or use mouthwash and why? Chew gum. Mouthwash is way too strong to me and I find it irritating for my mouth and yeah it’s just not a pleasant experience.

28. Do you floss? No. :X

29. Are you addicted to napster like me? Okay, now you’ve mentioned Napster so this survey is super old. Napster was like late 90s and early 2000s. 

30. How many times a year about are you sick? I rarely get things like a cold, which I find interesting because I feel like my immune system is crap, but I feel sick and crappy often for other reasons.

31. Ever been in an airplane? Yes, a few times.

32. If so where were you flying to? Georgia and back and to Disneyland and back.

33. What radio station to you listen to most? It’s been a few years since I’ve listened to the radio.

34. What color are your shoes? I wear my black Adidas the most.

35. Was fuzzy wuzzy a bear? He was. He had no hair, though, so he wasn’t actually fuzzy.

36. Do you know how to play dominos? I’ve never really played.

37. Or do you think I just mean pizza by that? No, I know what dominos are.

38. Speaking of pizza, what's your favorite kind? (toppings and/or place to get it from) My favorite is from this local place. I like to get white sauce, feta and ricotta cheese, crumbled meatballs, garlic, spinach, and pesto and olive oil drizzles. I’ve been really craving that lately.

39. What color are your eyes? Brown.

40. How many surveys have you filled out this lifetime? Oh pffffft, I am not even going to attempt to figure that out. There’s no way I could. I’ve been doing surveys for so long and sadly so many of them are gone because they were done on Myspace and Xanga. :(

41. Describe your bedroom, include all details. Okay, you want details? Here we go...

It’s small and has way too much stuff. For one thing, there’s giraffe stuffed animals all over, including a 4 ft one in the corner. There’s a dresser by the window that has my TV and Christmas decorations on it. To the right of that is a 6-cube shelf with some of the aforementioned giraffe stuffed animals as well as giraffe knickknacks, some coloring books and coloring supplies, a mini Christmas tree on top, a few more giraffe stuffed animals, a nice picture frame with my dog, Brandie, who passed away, and my BB8 droid I made at Disneyland. Above the shelf is an I Love Lucy wall clock. My closest is nearby and is full of medical supplies, 3-drawer file thing with random stuff I insist on holding onto, my shoes, and all my jackets and sweatshirts. To the left of my dresser is my bookshelf with a lot of books and other figurines and knickknacks of various things I like and hey surprise, surprise, more giraffe stuffed animals! Across from the bookshelf and dresser is my bed, which is also my desk cause I keep my laptop on it, my chargers, my phone, a coloring book, a couple packs of colored pencils, my Bible study stuff, my remotes, and my Nintendo Switch. I have a pile of clothes, too, cause dresser and closet are too full. I have like 8 throw pillows, a body pillow, a back pillow, and a couple actual pillows. I have a few stuffed animals that sit on my bed as well, which are a huge squishmallow giraffe, a small squishmallow pug, a small squishmallow Dumbo, a small squishmallow Baby Yoda/Grogu, and a Baby Yoda/Grogu plushie. To the right of my bed is a TV tray that has my bottles of water, my medicine and pill crusher, a box of straws, a glass, a Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink, chapstick, my wallet, a Zip-loc bag with half a glazed donut and half a chocolate one, and a small bag of shortbread cookies. Behind the TV tray is my 3-drawer bedside table, which has a makeup storage thing on it that I plan on cleaning out and getting rid of cause I don’t wear makeup anymore and could use that space for something else, a bottle of lotion, a couple little room sprays from B&BW, and a jewelry tray. Hung up on my walls around the room are a few giraffe framed paintings, a couple beachy canvas paintings, two Alexander Skarsgard calendars, a bulletin board with various stuff pinned to it, and a marker board. There’s also a hamper in here, a floor lamp, a ceiling fan/light, two fans, and an ottoman.

42. Name one person your life is made better by. My mom. She’s my best friend. 

44. How about someone else's? Huh?

45. Can you do math with ease? Ha, noooo. Me and math never got along.

46. What size is your computer screen? It’s 13.3 inches.

47. If you could only talk to one person online who would that be? Someone from the survey community on here.

48. Name your favorite type of music and why. I like a variety of music--various genres and decades.

49. Are you a vegetarian? No.

50. How about an aspiring actor/actress? Not at all.

51. What famous person dead or alive would you interview if you had the chance? Alexander Skarsgard.

52. Which movie can you watch and say the lines along with the actors? There’s a lot of movies I could do that with. I try not to cause it gets annoying, but it happens.

53. Name one of your passions in life. I don’t know. :/

54. What's your least favorite time of day? Evening time.

55. Who's your favorite member in a band, singer, guitarist, bassist, drummer, and why? The singer, typically.

56. Do you use hairspray or gel? I use neither.

57. Describe your favorite meal. Wingstop’s boneless garlic parm and lemon pepper wings. I also really enjoy my nightly bowl of ramen.

58. What color is the inside of your head when you close your eyes? Black.

59. Ever listen to classical music? Not typically, but it is nice.

60. Have you ever said lol in real life without thinking about it? No.

61. Do you find you use internet language when writing notes irl? I use “wtf, “wth”, “omg”, and “lol.” 

62. What songs would be on your ideal cd? Like I said, I like variety, so a mix of songs.

63. Say one thing you've learned today. Nothing, really.

64. What is the best present you've ever given someone else? I don’t know.

65. What is the best present someone else has ever given to you? I’ve been given many nice gifts throughout my life. I’m appreciative of all the gifts I’ve received.

66. So hey, what's your full name? Stephanie is all you need to know.

67. Describe yourself while drunk. I was chatty and annoying.

68. How big are the windows in your house? Regular, common size? .

69. Do you wear a watch? Nope.

70. What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done with someone else? Nothing.

71. What's the largest age difference between you and someone you've dated? Just a year.

72. How many mirrors do you have? Just one in my room.

73. Write one sentence stating what you want people to say about you after you've passed on. I don’t know, man.

74. Have you ever sailed? Nope.

75. How fast can you run? I used to be able to go pretty fast, but not now. I don’t have the upper body strength or energy I used to have.

76. What do you believe in? I believe in God.

77. How long does it take you to get ready to go out? Not long at all. I just change clothes, quickly do something with my hair, brush my teeth, put on deodorant, put on my shoes, and then grab my bag and mask and go. And a coat if needed.

78. Do you shower daily? If not how often? No, I shower 3-4 times a week.

79. What one thing would you change in your life if you had the power to do so? I’d make it so I had good health.

80. Describe the ideal superpower and what you would do if you had it. Teleportation. I’d travel all over.

81. Are candles romantic or a fire hazard? They can be both.

82. Name something you've done in the last 24hrs no matter how big or small. I had coffee and donuts. Exciting stuff.

83. Do you wear necklaces, bracelets, anklets, earrings, rings? I haven’t worn any in awhile.

84. What colors are you wearing right now? Just black.

85. How often do you change the sheets on your bed? Twice a month.

86. Have you ever gotten lost? Not alone, thankfully, but yeah.

87. What's on your computer desk? I mentioned in the question about my room that my bed is also my desk and I listed the things on it.

88. How many folders are on your desktop at the present moment? Zero.

89. When your talking do you ever use your hands to do quotation marks in the air when saying certain words? Sometimes, if I find it necessary to do so.

90. Which landmark would you climb if you could? None.

91. Do you own or have you read, or thought of reading any self-help books? I read the Chicken Soup For The Soul books when I was younger but that's it. <<< Same.

92. Ever seriously questioned your sanity? Yes. 93. Can you breakdance? No.

94. What's in your fridge right now? Food and drinks. I’m tired from listing everything in that room description question lol.

95. How many people do you live with? I live with 3 people and a doggo.

96. Have you or would you ever do anything more than kiss in a public area? No.

97. What is the strangest thing you've ever done? Uhhh. I don’t know.

98. Name an instrument you've never played but would like to. Guitar.

99. Have you ever been on tv or the radio? Myself, as well as my story, was on TV after my accident happened. 

100. What is the worst thing anyone could ever do to you? Physically hurt me.

101. Are you a fast typer? Yes.

102. How high have you counted before getting bored? I don’t know, but probably not very high. I probably would get to 100 and be over it.

103. Describe how you sleep. (ie. your position and/or how you fall asleep) I sleep slightly propped up and turned to my left side. I have indigestion and post-nasal drip issues, so I can’t sleep flat. I have a whole nighttime routine consists of scrolling through Tumblr, doing surveys, and listening to ASMR until I feel tired enough to fall asleep.

104. Are you straight, bi, gay? I’m straight.

105. Do you ever do something else while on the computer? If so what? Sometimes I’m watching TV.

106. What is the most expensive item you own? My MacBook Air.

107. How about the least expensive? My little knickknacks.

109. What do you do online? Check my social medias, watch YouTube, scroll through Tumblr, and do surveys.

110. Name some stores you've bought clothes in before. Boxlunch, Hot Topic, Kohl’s, JCP, Target, H&M, Macy’s, Forever 21... those are a few that come to mind.

111. Have you ever read a book and not understood it? If so which one? I struggled with mythology. I just couldn’t get into it, so that definitely didn’t help, and it was hard to follow.

112. Have you ever watched a movie and not understood it? If so which one? Yeah. Whenever that happens I jump on Google and read up on it afterwards. 

113. Do people pick up your slang language more than you pick up theirs? I pick up lingo from others most often. 

114. Are you easily influenced by other people, or current trends? No, I wouldn’t say that.

115. What makes you unique in your own opinion? I don’t feel very unique.

116. Name your worst quality. Where to start... .

117. Name your best. I like that I’m open-minded.

118. What would you like to do with your life? I need to get myself together and figure that out.

119. Do you blowdry your hair? Nah.

120. How many clocks are in your house? We have like 3 wall clocks and there’s digital clocks throughout the house on appliances and electronics.

121. Are they all set on the same time? The phones and electronics are. The others are a few minutes fast. My parents set their digital clock like 15 minutes fast.

122. Have you ever intentionally set a clock ahead or behind the actual time? Like I said, we set some of them a few minutes ahead.

123. What do you think about when you first wake up in the morning? "What time is it?"

124. Which browser do you use? Google Chrome.

125. Do you bite your nails? Ugh, I don’t bite them but I pick and clip at them with clippers constantly. 

126. Would you ever leave little notes to your gf/bf? Sure, I think that’s cute.

127. Ever been to a farm? Yes.

128. Tell me about your dream last night. I don't remember. I rarely ever do. What typically happens is I’ll remember when I first get up, but then it like vanishes. My dreams are like Snapchat. If only there was an option to save or screenshot them like Snapchat.

129. Ever seen a shooting star? No, actually.

130. Say one thing about yourself you've never told anyone. Uhhhh. I’m so boring, I can’t think of something interesting to share.

131. Do your days fly by or seem to last forever? It often seems like the days go by slow, but then before I know it it’s already been a whole week again and I’m like wtf it was just Monday? That’s how the years tend to feel, too. There’s definitely some days that just really seem draaaaag, though. And there’s something about January that always feels super long. 

132. Have you ever stayed in a fancy high class rich hotel? Yes. 133. Have you ever stayed in a rent-by-the-hour motel? No.

134. What in your opinion is the best advertising slogan out there? If they get stuck in your head then they’re doing something right. It’s gotta be catchy. Jingles work well.

135. When they start sending rockets to the moon for us civilians, will you be on the list to go? Noooo, absolutely not.

136. How are you feeling right now? Tired, kinda hungry, and lonely.

137. Have you ever written anything on your skin? Yeah.

138. If so what? Random stuff. That was something a lot of people seemed to do in like middle school and high school for some reason.

139. Which website do you frequent most often? Tumblr and YouTube.

140. What color are most of your clothes? Black.

141. Do you own any plants? Nope.

142. Are things as bad as they seem? They sure seem bad to me.

143. Describe the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you. My mom is amazing. She’s sacrificed so much. I’m 31 years old and require aid with some things and here she is still taking care of me and doing so much for me on top of working a full-time job, being a caregiver for a family friend as well, taking care of us as a family and of things at home, and she very rarely has anytime for herself. She’s spread very thin and works so hard and yeah I just could never thank her enough. She’s the absolute best and I would be so lost without her. I couldn’t keep going if it weren’t for her.

144. Ever looked directly at the sun? Yes.

145. Have you ever made a pin hole camera to watch the eclipse? No.

146. What's your favorite cereal? All the main sugary ones, ha.

147. Who do you miss? My loved ones who have passed away.

148. Name something you just can't forget no matter how hard you try. Uh, a lot of things. My mind doesn’t like me to forget things like that. It likes to remind me of them often. Things like that hit at random times as well, like my brain will be like, ‘hey remember when...’ and I’m like, ‘ugh, yes I remember you won’t let me forget.’

149. Describe the worst fight you've ever been in whether physical or verbal. I’ve never been in a physical fight, but there were some verbal ones. I don’t want to get into them right now.

150. Say something else about yourself you've never told anyone before. Noooo. 

[rotationalsymmetry]

On self diagnosis:

Can people please not reduce self diagnosis to “google”? Like yes, if you spent 5 minute googling your symptoms that is not enough to be confident in what you’ve got. 5 minute of google has a pretty consistent fail mode, and is only a starting point at best. I’m talking about hours and hours of tracking symptoms and trying to make sense of them, and more hours and hours of reading actual books and especially first hand accounts of other people with the condition, over a period of months or years. Often while you’re also trying to get an answer from doctors. Not five minute on google. Ffs.

Break for length, more beneath the cut.

And: professional diagnosis is often a shot in the dark based on, granted, a wide base of general medical knowledge but also about 5 minutes of hearing the actual patient’s symptoms, so relatively little knowledge about the specific patient. Professional diagnosis is often wrong. It is normal and acceptable to seek out a second opinion, or even just quietly go “ok, I got a professional opinion, but I’m still not buying it.” Or out loud going “are you sure? But what about...”

Medical professionals are experts, but they’re not omniscient, and it is OK to argue with them and/or refuse to take their advice.

(Side note: if you don’t brush or floss consistently just tell your dentist that. Don’t lie. Lying interferes with your dentist’s ability to figure out how to best reduce your chances if more cavities. You can tolerate a little bit of disapproval in service to the truth and your health. Only lie if the alternative is you can’t bring yourself to visit the dentist at all. In which case, visiting the dentist and lying is better than not seeing the dentist.)

You do not want to know the absolutely laughable process by which I got officially diagnosed with either CFS or depression I swear to god.

Here’s the thing: if there’s a lab test or some other diagnostic test that tends to give conclusive results, cool, by all means trust that. Lab tests are awesome. (Like when I was anemic — there was a definitive lab test for that.)

(Likewise, when I sprained both wrists and broke my elbow, and my doctor was “well, there’s this really specific fracture you might have in your wrists, and it might not show up on the x-ray, so you need to be really careful, here’s some wrist braces” — there’s some cases where it’s really good to have an expert’s opinion, y’know.)

But if it’s more squishy (as CFS is squishy, as depression is squishy) — if there isn’t a definitive diagnostic test — then sometimes doctors get it right and sometimes they don’t.

And a lot of what doctor base diagnosis on in those cases, is how well a patient responds to treatment that’s supposed to work for that condition. (More so for depression than CFS.) And non-doctors can take that approach too. Does depression self-help stuff ease my symptoms? Do ADHD life hacks make me more organized? Does pacing make my possibly-CFS symptoms better? If things that help the illness/condition/neuro-whatever help you, then “I probably have that illness” is a pretty solid working hypothesis and you should stick with it.

Even if your doctor disagrees.

Unless, of course, your doctor can offer a different explanation that fits better or leads to more effective treatment. If trying out your doctor’s working hypothesis means you might get better treatment, great! Sounds worth trying!

But if your doctor thinks there’s nothing wrong with you when there is definitely something wrong with you, something messing with your ability to live your life. Then either you need a different doctor or you’re back to self-diagnosis.

Personally, I haven’t sought out ADHD diagnosis. I don’t think I want medication or disability accommodations based on it, and I don’t want yet another highly stigmatized diagnosis interfering with my ability to get a doctor who takes my other medical issues seriously. So, professional diagnosis wouldn’t get me much and might harm me. But, as a working hypothesis, thinking I might have ADHD means I can watch YouTube videos and read books and try out random stuff I run across on social media, with the expectation that it might help me because I might have ADHD. It helps me understand why I seem to be more emotional than most people. It helps me understand why I have so much trouble being on time or not putting things off to the last moment or keeping on top of my mail. Self diagnosis has tangible benefits for me. Even with the question mark hanging around.

(And: people with an official diagnosis have access to all of that plus meds. I really hope this doesn’t come across as anti professional diagnosis, that would be weird.)

And I can’t help but assume that criticism of self diagnosis is tied to the idea that the only effective way to handle a medicinal condition is by medication or something else prescribed by a doctor, and that self-help/lifestyle stuff is always strictly less useful if it had any value at all.

Just because, y’know, people shouldn’t DIY their cancer treatment, or get all conspiracy theory ish about the coronavirus, doesn’t mean that ALL situations are doctors-first situations. There’s some situations in which doctor stuff is strictly less useful than the DIY/community support approach. (And other situations where a combination approach is best.) And it can vary a lot from person to person: not just what the condition is but also how their condition manifests, how much of a barrier there is to getting treatment through official channels, etc.

I’m sorry but the official route with CFS has been not terribly helpful for me. (With the exception of the PT, who was pretty cool for a while.) In spite of the fact that I got to see a specialist, and there are very very few CFS specialists and all of them have extremely long waiting lists. I’ve had to go the self help approach because that’s the only thing that helps. And, while I am officially diagnosed, I was self diagnosed first, and the stuff I’ve found that helped (including the PT, my doc hadn’t given me a diagnosis yet) I got from self diagnosis. So, if I didn’t believe in self diagnosis, and moreover if I looked to doctors as the only conceivable source of help, I might still be having frequent days where I can’t so much as sit up straight, like how I was when I was like “fuck it, this seems like it’s probably CFS, I’m going to learn as much as I can.”

Or I might be dead. There was an awfully long period where I wasn’t comfortable telling a doctor that I had suicidal thoughts, but I was willing to read self help books. I mean, in retrospect I don’t think I was all that close to actually doing it. But who knows really. At least, accessing self help books (written by professionals or by people talking about their own experience) meant I got to reduce some of my suffering, and that is a good thing.

[malandi]

2020

Yes this year was fucking awful for everyone. Even me! ^_^

It started promising. I was thriving in college! Maybe not so much academically. But socially, mentally and physically, I was doing very well. I got a lot of exercise done weekly. I spent a lot of my time surrounded by good people. I got along well with my schoolmates and my roommates, I was comfortable with my life. On my birthday we had a blast together and I was really thankful for my new friends. I had some problems with my health and got surgery (scared shitless but I did well) but in the big picture, that health problem was more of consistent discomfort instead of something huge.

I was happy!

Covid started. My dad came home with us and it all went downhill from there. Despite online classes and pressured to take an online course in harvard, I was expected to do most of the chores and paid some of the bills while my siblings did nothing. I tried to delegate but was met with resistance from my own mom and dismissal from my dad. My dad was abusive towards all of us, overly controlling and nitpicking and losing his shit over the slightest things that living at home was walking on eggshells. He insulted us, gaslit us, accused us of terrible things and tried his best to make us feel like worthless, bad people. Because I was so active in helping out at home, my mom and I took the brunt of most of his rage.

I missed my friends dearly. I don't like social media much, unless anonymity is guaranteed like on tumblr. I never liked chatting, so the transition to online was difficult for me. For a time, all I had was an abusive dad, an enabler mom, siblings who abandoned me to deal with them without realizing. I couldn't tell them what I was going through because I had a hard time communicating.

Online classes were also difficult. I was only able to keep up for two weeks and the after that I didnt attend synchronized classes anymore. A lot of my friends held my hand which I felt guilty for. Even if I cheated, I insisted on learning which took thrice as much time and effort as it usually took me, and I'm not usually a fast learner.

Moving became hard to do. Between school and family problems, I had trouble taking care of myself. I would wake up but stay in bed for hours. If I heard people eating downstairs, I'd wait for them to finish even if i was super hungry just so I could eat alone. I didn't floss a lot even if I had to because I wear braces. Sometimes I didn't brush my teeth at night.

The news affected me. A lot of shit happened in my country. The pandemic poorly handled, in a way that's clear that the people especially the lower class are not prioritized. It was politicised. Frontliners were disregarded at the cost of their lives. The lower class were criminalized to disregard their concerns about starvation and unemployment. The killer of a trans woman was pardoned. Two devastating typhoons hit our country in succession. There were too many terrible things to name that happened. I cried a lot over it, over how helpless I feel.

I miss being a normal kid surrounded by kind people. I miss being in college where we got work done for our country, where we can make a big difference through donations, charity drives, protests and other forms of action. I miss being outside, walking across rivers and grassy areas and applying lotion that wards off mosquitos. I miss petting stray animals. I miss quiet moments with strangers when I eat out or commute and were cordial because we got stuck with each other.

I didnt feel like doing anything anymore. Didn't feel like learning, didn't feel like helping out at home, didn't feel like taking care of myself.

I did emotional self harm by intentionally consuming content that triggered me. Before I sleep at night I'd think of stuff that would hurt me and it easily makes me feel physical pains in my chest. Up to now i still do it, I still make myself cry before I sleep and it feels good. It feels great even when i can't breathe.

But somehow I pulled through. Maybe it's my siblings. Maybe it's my friends. Maybe it's me. It's probably all of us. But we saved me, and I'm still here. And I'm not as happy as before but I'm hoping I'll be happy again. For now it's enough to be alive. I can work on the rest later. I'll work towards being okay.

I'm hoping the same for everyone else. I want everyone to be happy and safe and comfortable. I know a new year coming doesn't really change things. But it can give us the push to change ourselves. It always feels like a second chance. Everyday is a second chance, really, but the start of a new year seems like the best time to do it, right? I hope it gives us the hope and strength to keep holding on. Maybe to make a drastic change. Drop out of a course or quit a job that's depressing you. Move away from your abuser. Pursue an interest you were previously too scared to do. A new year makes people braver. I hope it makes us all brave enough to be kind to ourselves.

Goodbye 2020!

[howtoreversegumslossathome]

How To Reverse Gum Loss At Home?

How To Reverse Receding Gum Line?

Natural approaches to Help Receding Gums: Should you have tried to deal with gum disease utilizing conventional techniques, then you definitely know how hard it is. The majority of people have spent thousands of dollars to the latest dental product and a few trips to the dentist. You realize they do not work. Today Read More About How To Reverse Gum Loss At Home?

The simple truth is that a lot of the traditional products are either ineffective or too costly to take to. If you have ever used them you know what I am talking about. There are so many things on your mouth that can cause gum disease. All of them make it worse.

The simple truth is that there are natural approaches to help receding gums without spending all your hard earned money on dental products. If you would like to maintain your teeth healthy and looking great, there are some very simple things you can do to start making your smile beautiful again.

Maybe you have wondered why your teeth tend to slide backward when chewing food? It isn't only how you chew. It's also your gums.  You see, your gums have been covered with tissue which disturbs bacteria and the foods which pass into them.

Your dentist will explain to you that you should brush your teeth every day, however your gums are probably more at risk than your teeth. In the event that you only brush your teeth once each day, then you only brush the back of one's teeth, and it is more susceptible to becoming stained.

The problem is, when you use a toothbrush you can't reach the trunk of one's teeth. That's why the gums become stained and stained. Whenever you stop brushing, the infection develops and becomes difficult to eliminate.

Reverse Receding Gums Naturally

Natural ways to help receding gums includes eating foods full of calcium.  Calcium helps strengthen the teeth. It also helps you to protect against the build up of plaque.

Teeth brushing is critical, however, you can take steps that will help you avoid problems with gum disease. Before they move out of hand. That is why it's ideal to take the natural approach and see if it is possible to eliminate all of your gum problems for good.

Toothpaste is just another natural solution to help. In the event that you brush your teeth and also the plaque remains set up, then it won't enable you to want any special teeth cleaning product.

Only brush your teeth. A good excellent toothpaste won't just wash the inside of your mouth area but will also work to enhance the health of your gums. By brushing your teeth each day and flossing, you will soon be protecting your gums and also the rest of your teeth.

Bad breath is just another reason why many people have gummy, bleeding gums. There are specific foods which you need to avoid if you want to continue to keep that beautiful smile.

Alcohols and onions are some of the most frequent culprits.  

By averting those types of foods you're going to be helping your gums healthy and keep them looking amazing. If you're not convinced that a natural approach to help receding gums, look at these tips. They might appear a little drastic, but they do work.

Reverse Receding Gums Naturally

This could possibly be a huge mistake, especially when your dentist advocates something which you will think can help. You should probably try drinking water. The water tends to taste better and you won't cause your mouth feel thirsty.

You can not say that you can eat the foods you like while still making healthy choices. There are always a variety of foods on the market which you could eat to help prevent gum problems and eliminate one's gummy smile.

Natural ways to help receding gums are user friendly and usually do not need the usage of any over the counter or prescription medications. Natural remedies for gingivitis comprise simple changes in your diet, lifestyle, brushing and flossing routines, and utilization of a natural remedy for gum disease or periodontal disease.

The first natural techniques to help receding gums involves the use of natural flossing materials, such as bamboo or coconut fibers. These varieties of natural substances can help to prevent gingivitis and promote healthy gum tissue.

Additional natural ways to help receding gums comprise eating foods which promote the health and use of the gums.

Besides eating a well balanced diet, then you may want to stay away from foods and drinks which have high levels of sugars free. These types of foods can lead to the body to produce excessive amounts of saliva, which in turn could cause the gums to become dry. A composite of good oral health practices and routine oral cleanings will help promote healthy gums.

Toothbrush usage is one of the main things you can do to help protect against gum disease. Regular brushing of one's teeth is vital to maintaining good dental health. But lots of people forget about the back side of their teeth and forget to brush it as well.

Reverse Receding Gum

Although toothbrush usage is crucial to tooth health and prevention of plaque buildup, maybe not enough brushing can leave tartar and plaque buildup on the teeth.  Tartar and plaque buildup is what causes many cases of gingivitis.  Therefore, an everyday cleansing regimen is totally crucial to keep good dental health and prevent gingivitis.

If you presently have gum disease, or if you're at risk of developing gingivitis, you should look at your own personal habits and discover a way to alter them that they are better suitable for your gum health. 1 good example of a natural means to help receding gums will be to reduce gingivitis includes avoiding the foods that can cause tartar buildup, such as spicy foods, candies, chocolates, and mints, and those which have caffeine.

Yet another natural way to help receding gums would be that the use of an anti-inflammatory agent such as Echinacea, along with an antibiotic, because an all natural means to stop the progression of gum disease. Natural techniques to help receding gums consist of daily brushing and flossing with herbal toothpastes or a mouthwash, and everyday use of a natural supplement for healing your gums health.

Certainly one of the most useful natural ways to help receding gums would be to eat a diet that's rich in omega 3 efas. Although it is important to eat healthy foods, there are also some steps you can take to help your gums by avoiding those foods that typically make them worse.

For example, foods that typically cause tartar accumulation include foods high in sugars, processed foods, and foods that have dairy products. Eating more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, together side using an anti-inflammatory agent and also a natural mouthwash can help prevent gingivitis. Other cases of a natural means to help receding gums consist of brushing, flossing and everyday brushing your teeth twice every day.

[alvaar-aldaviir]

Movement: Melancolico Part 1/3

Time Frame: Heavensward. Spoilers accordingly.

Notes: Trigger Warnings for a more personal and introspective look at grief and depression, as well as accompanying thoughts of suicide.

This is by far the darkest piece posted thus far, but it’s important to Alvaar’s character and I don’t like to gloss over the impact it left on him and his subsequent relationships with others. Scions especially.

Cross-posted to Ao3.

 -

Alvaar has never been the sort to give himself time for pause. There was too much to do as the Warrior of Light, too many wrongs to try and right as the world shifts under his feet after the Vault. But having ripped yet another tyrant from his throne and finally taking time to grieve...

Why is it the hardest battle he's had to face is the frozen state of his own blackened heart?

An introspection on grief and depression, and the importance of the people who stay by your side. Second chapter incoming.

 -

It was over. Thordan was dead, Haurchefant’s killer had been slain with him, and in the quickly growing pile of problems already stacking before the remaining Scions Alvaar only cared about one. He’d dragged another tyrant low and put more Primals back into aetheric dust, the world could hold a moment for him to attend the funeral of the man he’d loved when he’d put his own grief aside to see justice done. And somehow, for all the near brushes with his grief he’d had chasing after Thordan, when he’d finally given himself leave to let it wash over him...

Alvaar still hadn’t managed a single tear.

-

It spared the Count a scene at least, having only held the hand of his beloved when he paid his respects. A hand that felt alien and cold, stiff and somehow like it was hollow, empty of the vibrant and warm soul that had once been bursting within. A man that could ask him to smile on his dying breaths...

He’d dipped his chin, murmured his words of goodbye, and walked away feeling as though whatever warmth that had lingered in him now lay in that casket to keep Haurchefant company. He wouldn’t need it. Surely he’d never feel anything so warm again without him.

Tataru and, somehow surprising to him, Alphinaud, had lingered by his side. The Lalafell’s hands wrapped tight about his and he barely felt it at all. He’d only sat still and silent through the funeral before he found himself being guided away once the candles had started to burn out. Led through the streets like some dumb beast of burden by the small hands holding his and the slim arm at his back.

He didn’t know what words they’d said nor what they’d done, only that he’d fallen face first into a bed that didn’t carry a trace of the young lords cologne and somehow the absence of it felt both fitting and obscenely painful.

-

The next day passed like a haze as he stayed still and silent in the darkened room and remained relatively mute to anyone that came calling. His solitude was only broken when Alphinaud finally shoved the door in after the third unanswered knock to let Tataru nervously follow along behind him. Once he’d sulkily sat up to stare at them both he was immediately greeted to a bowl of stew being held towards him as the Lalafell chattered about it being her latest learned recipe at the Forgotten Knight. And with the Arcanist already clearing off the side table and dragging over chairs for himself and Tataru, he’d had little choice but to entertain them, listening quietly as Tataru brought up what bits of inane gossip she could, pointedly staying far away from the issues at hand.

-

The next day Tataru returned, this time carrying a cutely adorned basket along with his breakfast. He’d no sooner finished (more from the pressure of her stare than hunger) when she was pulling out her embroidery hoop and asking him to teach her a new pattern. After an overly long silence which she stayed determinedly, if not earnestly, expectant at his eventually reply, he acquiesced. With a small flourish of light his own needlework set appeared in his hands and he’d studied the blank fabric for a while mulling it over. He knew invariably she would want to embellish her clothes with something unique for her newfound workplace and pondered what designs might work as he wordlessly accepted the fabric pen she held over to him.

Opting against designs of the straight spires of the buildings around them (for they only reminded him of bloodied lances rising from a corpse) he settled for a heavy lined sketch that left the Lalafell confused until his thread and needle began to fly, stitching white over the swirl of icy blue ink lines. Her eyes immediately lit up with excitement, hopping up beside him to watch as the frost patterns were quickly embellished in with delicate stitches and raised knots.

“I spoke with an elderly woman at the guild here. Apparently, there’s a technique called thread painting that’s become rather popular with the ladies of estate. If you were to very carefully bleach out some of the color for your base lines, you can embellish them with silver floss like so. Think of it like fern reeds at first but add more swirls to the frond ends and a few straight fractals with your thread. Like frost on the windowpane,” he murmured, holding his fabric away so Tataru could watch him work.

“Oh! Alvaar that’s genius! I have just the perfect blue piece that could use sprucing up!” she chirped.

“If you can, try on a part you can’t see first. You’ll want to see how much the bleach spreads through the fibers,” he continued, reciting the pointers he’d been given.

They’d spent almost two hours with their needlework, the Bard patiently advising and even handing off his teaching piece and a few spools of cotton silver floss for her to use. As soon as she left in her usual scurry for work, he’d waited for the door to close before fitting another piece of fabric into the hoop, securing his needle, and banishing them back into nothingness.

Without the chatter or direction, he’d returned promptly into a defeated sulk for several hours, interrupted only by Alphinaud letting himself in after his knocks were ignored.

Alvaar didn’t bother to sit up, not fully certain why the young Elezen was there when Tataru wouldn’t be out from her shift for another four hours at least. Not unless he was here to be dragged along as both physical and mental muscle for another round of Leveilleur politics.

And if that was the case the boy was about to be terribly disappointed by his newfound depths of apathy.

What else would it be? A rousing speech to rise up from despair and fight for a better Eorzea? A plea or summons from yet another far off city needing their help yet again? Another return to conflict against the shade of Nidhogg that had claimed Esti-

“Drink.”

The flat no nonsense tone made him flick an ear as weary puzzlement pulled at his brow. Sliding his gaze over to the Arcanist he stared at him mutely and the thermos he held out to him.

“You have to keep your fluids up or you’ll get dehydrated and sick, now drink,” Alphinaud commanded again, though Alvaar could hear the faint nervous tone underneath. The sound of someone trying to be brave in the face of something unfamiliar he figured, as the boy had scarcely ever seen the Warrior of Light in any state that wasn’t still rock steady. Even in the face of Bahamut he’d kept his emotions under control and been responsive despite internal fear. And even after losing himself to rage fighting against Ilberd, he had quickly come back around and behaved normally once he’d been snapped out of it…

It was perhaps the most telling of how his mood must appear, given the youth had marched headstrong into each major city without so much as a pause of step to speak with political giants.

A faint snort left him, but he sat up anyway to continue pinning the Arcanist with that stare for a few moments more before holding his hand out. Accepting the container he removed the cap, staring at the pale liquid inside as a strong whiff of mulling spice reached him.

“.... Mulled tea? ... the scent is right, but the color is off. Did they substitute tea leaves?” he mused, taking another light whiff before tasting it.

“They didn’t have any Thanalan tea leaves, likely because the secular attitude hasn’t left much in the way of trade routes with Ul’dah. Hopefully that will change in the near future when... well. We finish what we’ve started.” Noting Alvaar’s flat stare, Alphinaud fidgeted, looking away promptly and finally moving to sit on the edge of the bed, staring at his shoes. “.... I’m sorry if it doesn’t taste right. I... tried my best to brew it the way you showed me,” he murmured.

There was a pointed silence that stretched out between them before the Bard took another drink in thought.

“It’s different. A bit weaker. Coerthan tea leaves don’t have as much flavor due to the harsher growing environment and tending to be dried from the cold instead of the sun. It’s not as oxidized as in Thanalan, despite being the same plant. It takes almost double the amount, but a weak brew is sometimes a better option than a strong one. You can sometimes brew again, but removing bitter flavors is difficult,” Alvaar mused.

“Ah... sorry...”

“Don’t be. It’s not bad, just different but a good enough substitute. In fact, it brings out more of the mulled spices as Coerthan tea has more of an earthy flavor. It’s also not bitter from over steeping. That’s usually the most difficult part,” he whispered, staring at the container. “I’ll have to teach you how to make Ishgardian tea. They use yaks milk here and steep the tea right in the milk. It’s quite a bit different from in the south. There the milk is a primary additive and not used as a base.”

Alphinaud blinked at him, tilting his head some once Alvaar had fallen quiet again. “You know quite a lot about tea.”

It got another snort. “I’d hope so. I had to get a real good eye for it given it sells pretty consistently. Nobles love their herbs and spices. It’s a lovely show of status to have foreign spices in your food or at your table. ...Did you know Y’shtola loves Coerthan tea? I’d usually harvest a bit extra for her.”

“Does she? Hm, I wouldn’t have guessed. ... so, what made you interested in botany? I confess, it was not a topic I went to at the Studium.”

The Bard was quiet for a spell, still studying the pale liquid intently. When Alphinaud didn’t seem to show any sign of leaving or pressing him further, he at last sighed and looked up.

“Money. I arrived to Gridania with little more than what I carried and maybe a thousand Gil. Just enough to stay a day or two and find some work.”

At that the teen stared at him in silence for a few moments, during which the Bard took another slow drink while maintaining eye contact.

“... Y-you’re serious?”

“I needed the money.”

“No that you only had access to a thousand Gil. Did you have a credit line or access to-”

“We don’t all have very accommodating rich parents Leveilleur. In fact, some of us don’t have parents at all,” he cut in flatly before taking another sip as he looked away. “It can’t all be heroic battles and cajoling with the big brass of foreign nations. It hardly puts food on the table much less pays the cost of raw materials to craft into some form of steady income.”

At that the Arcanist seemed a bit chastised, studying the floor again. “Weren’t you paid for your work with the Scions?” he asked softly, still a note of disbelief in his tone.

Holding up a hand the Bard began ticking things off his fingers. “Travel expenses. Lodging. Equipment costs. Repair bills for said equipment. Food and potion expenses... At the end of the day I break even Alphi. And that’s only sustainable if I show up to do great heroic feats every day, which you might forgive me if I find that a little disconcerting to be that needed. Besides, I have retainers and a chocobo to pay for. That’s the bulk of the reason I joined the Twin Adders and that was mostly to open up a way into marketplaces while being mobile.”

Alphinaud was silent for a short while, contemplating the idea of it and hanging his head a bit more. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

Flicking his gaze over to the snowy haired teen, Alvaar frowned slightly at himself before ruffling his hair and looking away again. “I’m not. At least it’s honest work. Besides, Scion work is sort of, you know... nonprofit. I can’t really demand more pay and I wouldn’t anyway. Keeps me busy. And I genuinely like many of the trades I’ve picked up. It sort of... grounds the adventuring. Reminds you of why you do the insane heroics.”

“Yes... I’ve certainly found that perspective is all important to what we do...” the Arcanist replied, managing at least a vaguely upbeat tone. “Still, I apologize for being ignorant of your situation.”

“Don’t worry about it Alphinaud. It’s not your problem and you’re in a very wide majority of people that don’t ask about my life. Most don’t really care about what happens to their neighbors much less the man under the mask and I don’t make a habit of supplying details anyway. In fact, the only person that really dug into my life was... well. Haurchefant.”

At that the mood grew even more dim, punctuated by a single soft and saddened laugh from the Bard. “He used to trade me folktales and history for stories about myself... I suppose I’ll never find out how the story of the ‘Moonstone Lanner’ ends...”

Setting the now empty thermos on the nightstand with a ringing thud, he rested his head on his drawn-up knees and wrapped his arms about himself, burying his face away from view.

“Damnit Greystone...” he murmured, voice faint and hollow. Even now... STILL... No tears would come to him and-

“Do you know anything about Sharlayan?”

The words were a bit rushed but they made Alvaar pause anyway, lifting an arm up enough to see Alphinaud’s expectant look.

“.... No. Why?”

“Would you like to? I still remember many of the things on its history from my time in the Studium. And even a few myths and legends if you prefer that instead.”

Staring at him flatly for a long beat, he finally sighed when the Elezen seemed content to wait for a reply and even more than ready to stay seated at his bedside. “Fine. Give me a myth. Something fantastical.”

“I can think of a few. Here, eat this. Tataru said she would bring you dinner but that’s still a few hours yet,” he answered, holding over a wrapped-up handkerchief containing some form of braided bread.

A deeper sigh left him but he accepted it anyways, rearranging a number of pillows back behind him before falling into them with a feathery thump as the arcanist began his story.

-

Another day and then a second passed in similar fashion, Tataru asking him about this craft or another in the morning with his breakfast and Alphinaud telling him a story or three with his lunch. In the late evening they both made an appearance with dinner, sharing whatever Tataru had been allowed to take with her (which he noted was a much larger and more complex portion of leftovers than any one Lalafell would need) and chatting or playing cards.

And in the times between he would lie silent and still in the dark as if in some waking dream with only the ever-present sound of the howling winds to accompany his depression.

On the third day, both maid and Arcanist had dutifully reminded him (no less than three times a piece) that Tataru would have a particularly late shift and he should definitely make sure he went to or otherwise acquired dinner. He’d offered mute nods and mentally brushed it off as the vain test it was. He didn’t want food or water.

He just wanted to be left alone.

-

If the winds of The Pillars were colder than anywhere else in Coerthas, Alvaar couldn’t tell as he stared down into the inky black. The almost ever-present snow remained, spiraling away out of even his keen vision as it dwindled out of the lamplight of the city and vanished into the obsidian depths below.

Once he wouldn’t have had much interest in studying so steep of a fall, leaned against the balcony of his loaned room at the Fortemps Manor. Once he would have had much more of an interest in being inside where it was warm, curled up under the arm of his lover. Once he would have shared stories of his travels and listened for hours as the Lord of Camp Dragonhead regaled him with the long history and folktales of Coerthas.

Once, Haurchefant wouldn’t be lying cold in ground that was colder still and would have been there to keep him warm both inside and out with his cheerful demeanor.

Now Alvaar wasn’t certain if he’d ever really feel the cold again with how numb his heart still felt. Like it hadn’t beat since Haurchefant had been run through. His insides colder still then the hellscape of ice and snow about him. Indifferent to the frozen winds that ripped at his loose cotton tunic and leather breeches.

He stared into the inky black, gaping like the maw of some colossal dragon intent to swallow all Ishgard and her people, and he felt nothing.

Three days and still...

He felt no outrage that often sparked in him after those he loved were attacked. He felt no sense of duty driving him to feats of heroic stupidity. No sadness to linger and mourn the loss of a man he’d truly come to love. There was a growing pile of bodies about him to avenge, a city stirring in unrest in the wake of a millennia of lies, Scions to track down, and a war to help end.

Even so he stared at that abyss and he felt nothing but a desire to be consumed in it. To let it swallow him up and put an end to the unyielding march of the Warrior of Light. The heroic figure of myth and legend that made a target of every mere mortal around him... until, inevitably, he would die standing alone. Haurchefant and Ysayle, both dead on this journey, and surely by now Estinien has been consumed in Nidhogg’s rage...

His friends were dying around him as he fought for a country that wasn’t his own. Hadn’t he done enough? Couldn’t he at least grieve for what had been lost?

It was bitter, and it was petty, but in his dark apathy he thought maybe if he let that yawning void consume him then he’d at last feel like he could break down and cry.

Finally shed the tears that had burned in his eyes as he held his dying lover in his arms. The same tears that remained hot and still refused to fall in the ensuing chase. When he’d battled Primals, and Garleans, and lost more friends. Even at Haurchefant’s funeral and afterward, when he’d felt the concerned stares of his few remaining Scions and the House of Fortemps who knew what the man had meant to him.

He’d told him the night before the Vault that he loved him... and now when he finally stole a moment of his own he couldn’t even shed the damn tears with this cursed icy heart in his chest.

It would be so fitting...

Just a step...

Just a short climb...

And he’d vanish into nothingness again…

[recedingbleedinggumstreatme-blog]

Remedies For Receding Gums Treatment

The Real Reason Why Your Gums are Receding It's probably not what you presume.

Stressed concerning your smile?

If you have receding gums, it's commonly credited to merely brushing too hard, or perhaps an indication of gum disease. Likewise referred to as gingivitis, gum disease is an infection that induces swelling along your gums. It establishes when oral plaque buildup gathers and also blunts right into tartar, creating the gum cells to pull away from the teeth. Depending on to the Canadian Dental Association, 70 percent of Canadians will certainly cultivate gum disease at time in their lives. However gum disease definitely isn't the only source of receding gums. Know more about Remedy For Receding Gums Everything comes back to tension

You can't consistently see it, yet worry possesses a substantial impact on your oral health. Does your mouth or even mouth ever feel sore in the end of a long, tough time? You're probably stressful and also holding tension there. "When you clench your mouth and also grind your teeth, it impacts your gums as well as may cause recession," says Dr. Janet Tamo, a dental specialist and also Crest and also Oral-B Smile Council Member.

Home Remedy For Receding Gums

Connected: Don't ignore these 5 indicators you require to view your dentist, ASAP.

Long term, you might additionally be actually deteriorating the polish on your teeth. If you merely grind your teeth at night, as is the case along with lots of folks, you probably do not also understand you're doing it up until your dentist notices an issue. Inexplicable mandible discomfort or even consistent headaches can additionally be an indicator you're grinding your teeth. If whatsoever feasible, try to get rid of a few of the stress in your lifestyle. A mind-calming exercise strategy (make an effort some of these mindfulness applications to get going) or even frequent workout program can easily assist you de-stress. Meanwhile, inquire your dentist about a mouth protector to secure your teeth and gums, as well as attempt these other recommendations to secure your oral health. Acquire a course on brushing

Brushing your teeth: It seems to be easy good enough. However there is actually undoubtedly an upside-down to comb your teeth. "It is actually important to receive appropriate guideline on brushing for your mouth," mentions Dr. Tamo. She encourages getting a fast course from your dental hygienist. Soft as well as mild works

DOCTOR Tamo cautions against making use of a medium- or even hard-bristled tooth brush. "I don't also know why they're equipped," she points out. "Always utilize soft." A vigorous brushing type, blended with a hard-bristled tooth brush can in fact create the gum cells to divide from your teeth, bring about bleeding, irritation as well as receding gums.

Receding Gums Home Remedy

Get some (electricity) aid

DOCTOR Tamo additionally highly recommends a power tooth brush over a manual one. She advises the Oral-B Genius 8000 Rechargeable Electric Toothbrush ($ 270 at mass merchants), which is formed like a dentist's resource along with a circular scalp and also will make your mouth believe as clean as a complete dental cleaning would, she states. When coupled with the Oral-B smartphone application, you'll even obtain opportunity training to make certain you're brushing for the highly recommended 2 minutes. An exclusive pressure notification will definitely also alert you as well as assist defend your gums if you begin to mindlessly comb a little also hard.

Associated: Chronic completely dry mouth? Receive some relief along with these recommendations. Floss. Every. Singular. Day.

" Flossing is the greatest mouth wash," claims Dr. Tamo. Certainly not simply is going to normal flossing keep plaque from building up around your gums, but it is actually additionally the very best way to keep fresh respiration. And that's all anybody definitely desires, right?

6 Myths About Mouthwash That Might Be Hurting Your Health

Mouthwash may aid maintain your gums and teeth healthy yet just if you utilize all of them correctly. Our team've received professional tips on improving the perks of mouth rinses.

Receding Gums Latest Treatment

Rinse, gargle, expectorator

Several Canadians use mouthwash, or even mouth rinses, as part of their oral cleanliness program. But how much do you know about this rinsing out representative, apart from the fact that it can be found in great deals of colours? Look at these 6 mouthwash misconceptions and observe just how your rinse know-how reviews.

Myth 1: All mouthwashes are made equal

" The profit from utilizing a mouth wash depend mostly on the sort of product utilized," mentions Dr. Euan Swan, supervisor of dental courses at the Canadian Dental Association in Ottawa. Mouth wash may be identified as cosmetic or curative. Washing along with a cosmetic mouth wash is going to break up bits of meals from your teeth, lower germs in your mouth, briefly reduce foul breath as well as leave a revitalizing flavor in your mouth. Yet these products can not make any kind of better case than that.

Restorative rinses include extra active elements such as essential oils, chlorhexidine, cetylpyridinium chloride and fluoride, which have actually been actually proven to lower oral plaque buildup or even battle cavities. They may have a seal of recognition from the Canadian Dental Association.

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Myth 2: Mouthwash is safe

Several mouthwashes consist of a high volume of liquor. This can induce a dull mouth, which paradoxically is a cause of foul-smelling breath, and also irritate oral cells. "In some folks, the alcohol can lead to sensitivity to the origin surface areas of the teeth," includes Dr. Lewis West, a Toronto dentist. There have actually likewise been studies recommending a hyperlink between alcohol-containing mouth wash as well as oral cancer, yet the research study is actually restricted and lots of specialists points out there's insufficient proof to draw this verdict.

Alcohol-free mouth washes are offered. But other substances may lead to negative effects, too. Several can easily discolor your teeth or result in a burning experience. Important oils may possess an uncomfortably vigorous taste. Chlorhexidine may temporarily change your taste, as well as isn't highly recommended for long-term usage. Mouth wash is not meant to be taken in, so it may result in complications if inadvertently eaten. It is actually certainly not normally highly recommended for young children.

Belief 3: Mouthwash cures foul-smelling breath

Mouthwash might momentarily curtail odiferous breath, however it is actually certainly not a permanent solution. Smelly substances from your garlicky lunch time, for example, are really stemming from your bronchis as you breathe out, thus freshening your mouth won't help for long. Your saliva can easily antagonize you also. Saliva dilutes mouth wash. In some cases, the healthy proteins in saliva can easily minimize the effectiveness of mouthwash elements.

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Fallacy 4: Mouthwash may replace brushing

Mouth wash may cut back the amount of germs in your mouth. "But it's not the kind of point that would last all day," mentions Dr. West. "You still need to do your cleaning and brushing." Normal flossing as well as brushing along with a soft-bristled tooth brush are going to do a a lot more efficient project of taking out cavity enducing plaque and also fragments than mouthwash alone.

Study presents that incorporating a rinse along with mouthwash to your oral care regimen can in fact strengthen the total tidiness of your mouth and also aid maintain gum inflammation at bay. However mouthwash is commonly looked at an add-on, not a substitute for brushing and flossing.

In unique conditions, like after oral surgery, your healthcare provider might route you to make use of a mouth wash rather than brushing. This will certainly be temporary, and also quickly you'll be back to your usual mouth care.

Belief 5: A little swish'll do ya

Do you gargle or even rinse for a few fast seconds, after that spit? Many mouthwashes go to their very most successful when touching your mouth cells for 30 few seconds every use. However regardless of finest goals, some individuals point out mouthwash is actually therefore powerful or hurts a lot that it's difficult to utilize for that long. (There is actually also a Facebook team for individuals that fail to keep mouthwash in their mouth for half a moment).

Still, it is actually worth sticking it out if you yearn for the greatest outcomes. "Mouthwash ought to be utilized as routed by the supplier," points out Dr. Swan.

Belief 6: Mouthwash is only for your mouth.

Mouthwash doesn't consistently need to go in your mouth to be useful. It is actually a good cleaning item for mouth protectors, for example.

Some people also swear by alcohol-based mouth wash for dandruff command, injury treatment, bathroom dish anti-fungal as well as even underarm deodorant.

You won't find these uses on the product tag, nonetheless, so administer them at your personal threat!

[the-real-tonystark]

Lily's random list of self-care tips

Brush. Your. Teeth. Twice a day, two minutes each, etc. Floss too. Lotta people don't do that and it's gross. If you're reading this then I assume you're at the age where you lost all your baby teeth and won't be growing another set. The ones you got, you're stuck with for life. Also they're hella expensive to maintain already, let alone with poor dental health, so you're better off taking a few minutes a day to brush than suffer later.

Shower. I didn't say hour-long bath with bath bombs and candles, I said shower. Baths are a treat type thing. Showers shouldn't take more than 10-15 minutes for a full scrub. Warm ones are good for relaxing and unwinding in the evening, and colder ones work well on hot days and to wake you up. If you can't shower for whatever reason, get some baby wipes or something to stay clean.

Eat. You are what you eat, and if you eat crap, that's what your body will feel like. Fruits like apples and bananas are fairly cheap if you're in a pinch, and canned fruits and vegetables share a lot of the same nutritional value as fresh ones. Replace simple sugars and fats like processed foods with healthier alternatives like whole wheat or avocado (yes, the milennials were right). Limit your caffeine intake to one or two cups a day, and never after 3 PM. Try to finish your meals by 7 or 8 PM, and keep any snacks after that light. If you buy your own food, you gotta actively resist the temptations of junk food. If you live with a provider like your parents, ask them to buy those things.

Hydrate. That means water, not soda or juice or coffee. Carry a reuseable water bottle and drink and refill it often. (Tip: decorate it with stickers, it makes for good conversation starters.) You should drink around 6-8 cups of water a day, though that may vary based on body mass and medical needs. If you don't feel like glugging down water, eat some ice cubes.

Sunshine and fresh air. You don't need to be a nature hiker for this at all. Even opening a window to let air circulate makes a difference. Try to at least sit outside if you can't be assed to move around. Even if you use a computer while sitting on the bench, your body is still soaking up the sun's rays and the Vitamin D will benefit your overall physical and mental health.

Exercise. I know from personal experience that it's really difficult to get up and make yourself move around. The first step is always the hardest. My advice is to start off by standing up and stretching once in a while. Pace around the room a little. Then work your way up to a walk around the block, then maybe two or three. Then after you're accustomed to that, try a jog or maybe do some other activity like a sport you played or always wanted to play. A good tip is to make it social, like yoga with your mom or playing baseball with your friends, because other people holding you accountable will make you wanna keep going.

Sleep. Goddamn are people terrible at this. No caffeine in the afternoons, no electronics an hour before bed because the blue light keeps your brain awake, no aerobic exercise or showers shortly before bed, and no prolonged naps or sleeping at weird hours because it'll mess up your schedule. Put away any school or work things half an hour before bed. Keep a consistent bedtime routine. By the way, bedtime stretches and chamomile tea actually do work.

Interaction. Make it a point to interact with at least one…somebody every day. It can be a call to your parents or texting a friend or playing with a cat or saying hi to a neighbor or ordering from a Starbucks barista or praying to Jesus Christ himself. As much as you probably wanna isolate yourself…don't. Again, this is where you gotta work on your willpower, because being alone will only make you feel worse in the long run.

Dress. Your looks matter. I'm not talking about in a "I need to ace this job interview" or "I need to impress X person" sense. I mean the type of clothes you wear inadvertantly influence both your activity level and self image. If you're lounging around in sweats and PJs all day—typical lazy day stuff—you're gonna feel like it's a lazy day when it's not and you won't wanna do anything. Taking time on your looks also subconsciously tells your brain that you are worth the effort, and when you look good in the mirror, your own self esteem will slowly improve. Personally, I like to use a little bit of jewelry and makeup to accentuate even on casual outfits. Again, it's about making an impression on yourself, not others.

Habits. Form good ones, abstain from the bad. If you've never smoked or drank or whatever, don't start. Don't even give yourself the opportunity to start. If you don't have any healthy habits, gradually find the ones that work for you and adopt them. Start with the basic necessities like food and hygeine, then work your way up to more intricate things like social lives and studies.

Literally none of the stuff I wrote above matters if you don't personally make an effort. Go at your own pace, but challenge yourself. Yes, it's hard to make yourself get up some days, let alone do all this stuff. That's why it's better to start sooner than later. You will have days where life knocks you down, but it's your choice whether or not to get back up. The best things in life are the things that you have to fight for.

You got this.

[jzixuans]

late nights and tired minds

summary: Logan doesn’t work too well late at night, and when one is running on four hours of sleep, their logic falters. At least Virgil’s ready to help. (Sometime between Why Do We Get Out Of Bed In The Morning and Learning New Things About Ourselves because I started this before the new episode came out)

word count: about 1.4k

pairing: ambiguous analogical, read it as you wish

tw: lack of sleep, mild cursing, light talk of threats (but they’re the friendly kind), stress

a/n: analogical is my favourite ship so it is absolutely criminal that i haven’t done anything for them yet

~

  “I hate to break it to you, but you suck at staying up late,” Virgil drawled from Logan’s doorway. Logan gave a start, letting his pen clatter to the ground. Roman’s stack of unedited scripts shifted around on the desk, ruining his organized workspace.

  “Virgil! I didn’t notice you standing there,” he coughed, bending down to pick up his pen. When he straightened up, Virgil was standing in front of him, hands stuffed in his pockets. He had scrubbed his eyeshadow off for the night and Logan could see the tired bruises stamped under his eyes. A telltale sign of the weight that he had carried alone all those years.

  “Yeah, well, I’ve gotten pretty good at lurking in the background,” he shrugged, and Logan flinched.

  “Right, well how can I help you?” Logan asked, sitting taller in his chair. He glanced at the wall clock. “It is rather late. Perhaps another sleep aid?”

  The anxious side had started visiting Logan’s more and more during the night, whether it was because of the calm quiet of his room or Logan’s ability to clear cognitive distortions, he admittedly didn’t know.

  “You can help me by going to sleep,” Virgil said, plucking the pen from Logan’s hand. “As much as you like to think that you’re well-adapted, you cannot stay up late for shit.”

  “Can too,” Logan retorted, albeit childishly, reaching for his pen. “I’ll go to bed once I’ve finished editing this.”

  “Dude. Roman’s better at staying up late than you. God knows Pat’s done it a billion times. But I’ve seen you pass out at the dinner table after only five hours of sleep, Mr. ‘Maintain a Steady Sleep Schedule.’” Virgil rolled his eyes, giving Logan a pointed look.

  Logan sighed. He hated playing the hypocrite.

  “Virgil, I am aware that my performance lacks when I get tired, but the more I finish now, the less we’ll have to worry about in the morning.”

  Virgil knocked his fist lightly against Logan’s skull, shaking his head.

  “That’s some faulty logic that you’ve got there, Teach. It is morning right now and you are worrying about it. So call it quits for tonight and hit the sack. Thomas will thank you for it later.” He said, voice gentle but firm. Logan couldn’t help but note the stark contrast in tone since the last few times he’s tried to force Logan to go to bed. Since being accepted as one of them, Virgil’s threat count has decreased remarkably.

  “I suppose you won’t leave until you’ve ensured that I’ve gone to sleep,” Logan sighed, pushing away from his desk. The motion had him realizing just how heavy his head felt on his shoulders. He blinked, and the temptation to just leave his eyes shut nearly took him.

  “Nope,” Virgil said, popping the ‘p.’ “As the Thomas guardian, guardian of the Thomas, I’m obligated to ensure that he’s safe and healthy. And if that means knocking out his logical side for the night, then so be it.”

  At this, Logan pulled a sour face. Virgil just laughed.

  “I’m not actually gonna punch you, nerd.” He clarified. Logan shut his mouth and nodded.

  “Oh. Right. That is good to hear.”

  This must not have been the best response, however, as Virgil’s face pulled itself into a frown. But before Logan could correct his earlier statement, Virgil spoke again. Quieter, so soft that Logan had to strain to hear him.

  “You know, if something’s bothering you, it could help to talk it out,” Virgil offered. “I’m not saying that you have to, but like, I would understand. I’m Anxiety, I’ve dealt with this stuff before.”

  Logan searched his friend’s face. Not for any lies, no, he was plenty good at unearthing those himself, but for any sign of comfort. To tell him that it truly was okay to talk about this. Virgil gave him the slightest nod and Logan let out the breath that he hadn’t realized he had been holding.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong,” he admitted softly.

  Virgil shrugged. “That’s normal,” he said. It was Logan’s turn to frown.

  “Is it, though? I am Logic. I’m supposed to know.” Logan countered.

  “Are you, though?” Virgil replied in the same tone, eyebrow arched in question. Like he was challenging Logan.

  Logan opened his mouth to argue, but Virgil held up a hand.

  “Look, Logan. Humans are constantly making mistakes. And a lot of the time it’s because of faulty logic. Not that that’s anything against you, but that’s why people learn: because they don’t know.” He said. He sat down on the edge of Logan’s bed and patted the space beside him, beckoning Logan over. Logan did, and as he sat down, he felt the subtle warmth coming from the other side’s presence. He almost didn’t notice himself leaning into Virgil, ever so slightly, chasing the comfort that came with Virgil’s hoodie.

  “What’s the first thing that you do when you don’t know something?” Virgil prompted, bumping his shoulder against Logan’s.

  “Ask questions,” Logan mumbled. He stifled a yawn with the back of his hand and rubbed his eyes. Maybe he could afford to let this project go for the night. No— no they— he couldn't. Not when the work was already piling up so high.

  “So?”

  “Why am I— why do I force myself to stay up late?” Logan yawned again.

  “You already know the answer to that one, don’t you,” Virgil murmured. Logan supposed he did. He didn’t see it when his head was full of grammar and plot holes, but perhaps it was Virgil’s turn to be the clear-sighted one.

  “I—” Logan took a moment to collect his thoughts. “What use am I if I cannot be productive?”

  “What use am I if I let Thomas relax for a day?” Logan felt Virgil hum beside him. “There’s a difference between productivity and forcing yourself past your limits, Teach.”

  As he spoke, Logan’s eyelids grew heavier. Sleep was inviting, but he had work that needed to get done. No, they couldn’t afford to fall behind any longer. He would not fail Thomas again.

  With that thought, Logan sat up and straightened his tie, ready to get back to work. Virgil didn’t even have to look at him to reach out and pull him back down.

  “Sit your ass down, Logan, because I will personally snap each and every single one of your pens if you don’t let Thomas rest. Consistent sleep schedule, remember? He can’t go into deep sleep if you’re still up and running.” And there was the threat count. At least it wasn’t too drastic this time.

  “I hate it when you use my own words against me,” Logan muttered. With a defeated sigh, he reached up and loosened his tie. “I suppose if I wish to be taken seriously, I must adhere to my own advice.”

  Virgil tossed Logan’s pyjamas at him, narrowly missing his face. “Damn right you will,” he grinned but sobered quickly. “Seriously, though, you don’t need to worry about us taking you seriously. We already respect you.”

  “That is comforting to hear. Thank you, Virgil,” Logan gave him what he hoped was a grateful smile. “Allow me to go brush up for the night. Then I promise that I’ll go to bed.”

  “You better,” Virgil yawned, reclining onto Logan’s star-speckled comforter. “I’ll wait here to make sure that you do.”

  Logan gave a quick nod, then ducked into his bathroom. Exactly seven minutes later, he was in his pyjamas, teeth clean and flossed, hair brushed, and face washed. When he stepped out of the bathroom, Virgil was passed out on his bed, rolled onto his side at an awkward angle. Logan chuckled to himself. Thomas’ new and improved sleep schedule had its effect on Virgil’s own late-night shenanigans.

  “Get up,” Logan whispered, tugging at the blanket underneath Virgil. “I’ll let you stay here, but you’re going to have a sore back if you sleep like this.”

  Virgil groaned and rolled over, letting Logan pull the cover back so that he could slip underneath. He kept his back to Logan, giving him his space. Logan didn’t know why the notion hurt more than it should.

  “Er. Virgil?”

  “Mm?”

  “If you— If you wanted, that is, uh, there is no need to keep your distance. We are family, after all,” Logan stammered. Virgil opened one eye to peer back at him.

  “Sure thing, nerd.”

  At least Virgil got it. It was an understood thing.