#it makes me so depressed and then i get too depressed to draw and the cycle just never ends
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because today has been a Bizzyboy kick for me i decided to sketch my hcs about the height and builds of these guys. who knows if i draw them like this again or iterate upon the designs though.
Also calling out how horribly I dressed Grujaja. theres a reason i did it but its still foul XC
#ggg spoilers#great god grove#ggg hector#ggg capochin#ggg bizzyboys#please dont make me tag all the boys please i have a family#I feel like the default in my brain for Bizzyboys is pretty short and more on the fatter side personally#vibiano is in my headcanon normal “tall” drainfolk height range#patty is very very short#which is why Hector and Gruja being this tall in my designs makes me laugh because its just#“WHAT DID THEY FEED YOU. YALL TOO BIG. SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW.”#Hector did not earn his height at all with his canon diet. get short THIS instant.#Anyway the sole reason Grujaja isnt heavier set is because he's so anxious the amount of shaking he does counts as a fullbody workout daily#he also dresses like a super depressed ex military to the absolute suffering of Vibiano#also fun fact i love seeing which guys were struck w divine inspiration from sketch. alexei baby i knew what u looked like in my minds eye#the other designs have visible plotting lines and it hit alexei and my hand went “i got this boss”#and then i immediately lost the ability to draw#really funny to imagine Gruja joining this squad after last post causing capo to have a stroke#“WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN BIG.”#that was a kid he could toss and now if he even thinks about it gruja can send him across the fuckin grove#also making my stance on the cupo size war known despite my past joke about him cutting them off#anyyyywayyy enough rambles take my silly doodle headcanons
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Am in the mood to yap right now so I'd like to express my feelings for Suo Hayato (because if I talk about about skr I fear I'll start feeling nauseous from excessive emotions again).
First off, my thoughts are no where as well-researched as those cooler fans who make analysis threads on Suo and his mysterious background and Chinese (probable?) origins and themes, but i do have lots of feelings for him, and one of those is cuteness aggression. You'd think the way i draw Nirei-kun like a fluffy sunny pomeranian made of cheese curls means I find him the cutest, and trust me he is definitely in my top 5 most squishable characters of all time, but the way Suo Hayato is simultaneously "the mature friend" and a disgustingly immature childish fool makes me want to squeeze him with two hands until some strange fluid bursts out of his eyepatched eye and I discover he was a slime monster disguised as a person this whole time.
Suo Hayato is obnoxiously adorable. He never gets his hands dirty, doesn't even let his closest friends see him eat or drink things that aren't water coffee or tea, and his fight style allows him to knock people out without so much as wrinkling his clothes. diva??? princess??? He's far worse, actually. He's a babygirl. I'm sure there's a reason for it, and I fear it'll be sad and depressing and possibly even painful to read, but for now it's hilarious. Like if I sneeze on him will he want to kill me? Would I see that rare glint of rage in his eyes if I wipe a cheetos dust finger on his crisp white changsan? So spicy
And then you get to the part where he cares sooo deeply about his friends. His patience to let skr figure out his emotions? The way he was out for blood when Nirei got hurt, and without hesitation said yes to training Nirei to become a (relatively) more capable fighter? All the times he'd lovingly smile at class 1-1's antics? I know what you are... fake idgafer....
Don't even get me started on the whole "let's climb the stairs to adulthood together" thing. Calling Kanuma immature? yea totally. Implying that he too is immature thus they gotta climb it together? hell yeah. That's probably not the right interpretation, but i find it silly. He is probably 100% capable of reigning in his emotions and being a sensible mature person, but the little shit-eating grin on his face tells me he finds that boring, so he'd rather make you so angry you mald and die.
And that's why i love Suo Hayato so much i want to fight him. No, I need to fight him. I love and respect and even resonate with his characterization so much that i feel the need to dig my fingernails into his flesh and unravel what else is hiding behind that smile that we only ever see crack when Tsugeura is annoying him. I need to see what else I can make Suo Hayato do or say if i rile up his emotions enough. I need to land a blow to his face that'll reveal what's under his stupid eyepatch.
Not to mention he's stupid beautiful. That's too many good things to say for one character. I need to beat his ass. All these strong emotions and he's not even my 3rd favorite character of the series. This windbreaker shit is insane.
#ren's yap sesh#gomen for the length i just want to talk#pls excuse any grammar or spelling mistakes im too lazy to read it twice#suo hayato
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then... how much pink will eventually mask the blue?
#project sekai#pjsk#mizuki akiyama#mizu5#nightcord at 25:00#25 ji nightcord de#my art#hi guys i know i'm insanely late but i've been looping bake no hana and posting about mizu5 an insane amnt#and i finally got motivation to actually draw wowww wowww#anyways. as a trans person she makes me insanely depressed. i understand her struggles i get her so bad.#i broke down crying last night thinking about mizu5 too hard#also transphobes go kys if you find this don't say shit i will maul you fuck off
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Blood sugar levels (Patreon)
#Doodles#ISaT#Siffrin#And implied Isa and Mira from offscreen but it's fine lol#Kinda sorta spoilers in the tags be warned#Man these poses were fun to draw - hand poses and body and ah <3 Fun!#This was one of those comics that came to me pretty much fully formed and then I had to do it - it was very fun which I'm very glad for!#Probably the funnest were the first - third - and fourth panels :D#The way their cloak falls around them ah pretty <3#That big spooky eye hidden under the brim of their hat <3#That one was really fun to edit too :D Writing [FAILURE] elsewhere on the page and then overlaying it :) Fun!#I wonder if Siffrin would die of starvation faster than normal due to the [redacted]#And since that would kill him it'd make him loop back - even tho it's also somewhat powered by food?#It's curious! I like it :)#I imagine his innate magic also powers it somewhat but hmmm recursive#Not that he died here anyway :) One of those fun ones before Loop spells it out for him :)#I have to wonder if All those loops we don't get to see are mundane hmm ♪ How many of them are forced out of Sif's mind so we as the player#Will just never know ♪ I suppose we'll never know! Haha#The exhaustion of having to keep his body running it's really the depression simulator#Sif :( They're gonna worry about you anyway!#It's amazing what our minds just refuse to process when we're in The Sads™ haha
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shut up
#transformers#maccadam#drama#i like the cover#people saying it's too 'sexy' are the problematic sexists#this same shit happened with z0ner's cover. yes i bullied her too because i believed the stupid shit you guys were saying#I MANAGED TO GROW UP BUT YOU PEOPLE ARE STILL DOING THIS TOXIC SEXIST ASS DANCE#i thought i was the bad person but honestly it's yall and your bullying asses#you're disgusting for bullying artists just because they draw women how they want#GROW UP.#I LOVE DRAWING CURVY SLIM SEXY ROBOT GIRLS#THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT#WE SHOULD FILL THE WORLD WITH MORE OF THEM BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I WANT TO SEE#IF YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING ELSE... DO IT YOURSELF!!!! MAYBE ONE DAY THE COMPANY WILL LIKE YOUR ART ENOUGH TO HAVE IT ON A COVER#i like milne's stocky arcee just as much as average arcee from TFA just as much as svelte arcee in this cover#i really thought it was me that was why i left the fandom due to my ignorance but coming back and seeing this petty ass drama you guys#are unleashing... im realising that you guys are the problematic ones. omfg#you make it so unfun to be in this fandom. might as well publish the most recent animation i was working on then take the ones i've already#finished into hiding. you people suck the joy out of drawing for transformers.#transformers was my last bastion out of depression and you guys reminded me why people shouldn't get into transformers#getting back into tf revitalized my desire to draw and held me back from suicide. but knowing how toxic environment you guys are...#there's no reason to keep living with such inhospitable negative toxic bullies.
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SAGESUNE MIKU >:DDD
#i rise from the dead once again!!#sorry about the long periods of time in between me posting#school is absolutely kicking my ass right now and i havent had any time to draw the creatures :(#ive also just been feeling unsatisfied with my art as of late#its probably just too much time online looking at other peoples art making me feel bad about myself#even though im improving as fast as i can it doesnt feel like im getting any better#but i know from experience that that feeling doesnt go away with time#so i guess ill always see flaws in my art no matter how hard i try to get better#man. that got really depressing :/#anyways SAGE!!! i love her she is my favorite of all time and im going to draw her so much yall dont even KNOW :D#ive got tons of other stuff planned too so watch out >:3#i could hit you guys with 6 paragraphs of au lore any day now#sonic the hedgehog#sage robotnik#AWWWHHHGG SHE HAS HER OWN LITTLE TAG IM SOBBING#anyways#sage sonic#hatsune miku#i guess#whoof im scared to post this#or maybe im just exhausted#probably both :/
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my kitty cats as little devils and angels. they are both perfect little angels and fiendish devils so i made two versions
#art#my art#ive had this sketched out for like 2 months and i havent touched it or drawn anything else since :[#i want to be drawing all the time again but i just havent felt like drawing for a while#it makes me so depressed and then i get too depressed to draw and the cycle just never ends
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so did you guys know theres this character called tristan vik disventure camp and
#disventure camp#disventure camp fanart#tristan vik#disventure camp tristan#ghostofsnails#my art#It would be SO tedious to post all of these separately but to be honest ive been dead for so long that i think its just funnier like this#like. yeah. just in case you guys have been wondering what i've been up to.#I have like 2 more i think but i'll give them their own post so i can explain them#ive never hyperfixated on a character like this in my entire life. usually a character hyperfix is super intense and lasts like 2ish weeks.#GUYS ITS BEEN 2+ MONTHS. AND I STILL CANT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR CARTOON GOTH NONBINARY SILLY PERSON#actually fuck you can i write an essay in tags about why i love them. this is tumblr. and whose even gonna read this anyways. fukit we ball#i followed dc kinda casually as a guilty pleasure for a while but i was instantly drawn to tristan when the designs for the s4 cast dropped#i was like You're telling me there's a GOTH who is UPBEAT and isnt designed like a flawless elf TWINK and is NONBINARY? ME FR????#LIKE OHH THE GOTH NB GETS TO LOOK A LITTLE WEIRD. THEY GET TO BE UNCONVENTIONAL. my aesthetic attraction to them goes crazy. vampire style.#i remember when they got revealed people redesigned them to look more generically pretty & it PAINED ME bc it missed the point SO. BADLY.#ik some people find them boring also & even tho i disagree i can see it if u dont rlly care abt alt stuff. but for me the fact theyre so#kind & upbeat & extroverted WHILE being a SUBCULTURAL GOTH is the draw bc while i do get a kick out of the exaggerated depressed goth#stereotype - its not exactly true to life and so seeing a character that looks and acts like me and real goths makes feel so seen and happy#they also capture my desire to have goth friends SO BADLY im projecting on them SO HARD. They are such top tier friend material you guys...#AND THEYRE A FASHION DESIGNER WHICH FEELS SO IN THEME WITH BEING GOTH THAT IT MAKES ME SO JOYOUS AND CRAZY.#its all so funny because im 100x more excited about getting good goth rep than nonbinary rep LMFAOOO but them being nb is SO important too#Not to mention their voice actor is FANTASTIC and elevates them SOOO MUCH. Also the amount the va is obsessed with them fed my obsession -#sooo insanely you guys.... i feed off of other peoples emotional attachments. AND THEIR ACTING FOR TRIS ADDS SO MUCH DEPTH TO THEIR#CHARACTER IF YOU LOOK FOR IT. I COULD LITERALLY WRITE ESSAYS ABOUT TRISTAN YOU GUYS. IM NOT INSANE.#god you guys this is the first time ive ever had a genuine “i feel seen” feeling from a fictional character I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE NOW.#i LOVE NONBINARY PEOPLE EXPRESSING THEMSELVES. I LOVE HOW QUEERNESS AND GOTH CULTURE INTERSECTS AND HOW THATS REPRESENTED IN TRISTAN#THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME. AND I KNOW THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE. WHICH JUST MAKES THEM MEAN EVEN MORE TO ME. I LOVE LIFE.#its an endless feedback loop i fear. im trapped in it & loving every second. i will be drawing them until i am in my grave & maybe after.
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aaaaa i'm really excited about these pride chibis, i hope everyone likes them :3c i'm always worried about how long my queue is, and if it takes me longer than june to finish these, but i really wanted to do them. hopefully people don't mind if they end up going into july to complete, but i also might just be over-worrying as usual and i'll get them done on time xD
#sorry sorry sorry my anxiety/depression has been really bad lately :C#really unpredictable too#i might have one day where i get a ton of shit done#and i'm like hell yeah we're back baby#and then 2 minutes later i'm crying and spiraling into the void#so i hope everyone can bear with me while i'm stilllll trying to get my brain right#anyway it all makes it hard to draw consistently#very frustrating >:C
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wip thing...
of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)
they mean the world to me
#bg3 spoilers#?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say.....#it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me.#i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee#i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable.#bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen#makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there.#dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it#augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH????#my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way.#Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3#I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE#AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY#grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear#truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol#if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life#being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer.#Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this?#For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online#someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this.#why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness?#What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...?#hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!!#i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful.#but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting.#I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself#I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing.#I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come.#Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......
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Sunday doodles
#you ever just *puts feet on the wall*#or sit upside down off the side of your bed#i saw a post earlier this week I've been trying to find about fearing god#i read it but didn't have time to share my thoughts and i forgot to save it to my drafts so i lost it#anyway they talked about fearing god in service today#the overlap of related events like this scares me all the time#like... i know this stuff just happens and they had this sermon planned for months and it's coincidental#''but what if god is actually real and this is him trying to talk to me? what if he's trying to move me back on track?''#that's something i can't help but think#i'm starting to think I'll never know what is real and whether there's a god and if i really am setting myself up to burn in hell#i have to make a choice whether to leave my friends and hide who I am and go back to the church#or be myself and enjoy my time alive knowing what could be waiting for me when I go#I know that sounds extremely dramatic but it's something I think about a lot#it's one thing for someone to have never gotten to known God#but some say that the one unforgivable sin - the only thing that can keep you out of heaven forever...#...is knowing god and accepting him in your heart but then turning your back on him#I've done those rituals; been baptized and taken communion and said the famous prayer#if that unforgivable sin is true then I guess i've already made my choice; there really is no going back for me haha#damn right that god is scary lol#not tagging the game because I monolouged too much lmao#doodles#sunday doodles#depressing sunday doodle posts have arrived once again#dw im chilling today just lost in thought#was able to put in pto so i get the day to reflect on the very important things 21 year olds think about#things like ''what could've been'' and ''how do i want to draw my next fluffy boy''
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#is it normal that everyone feels sad and lonely most of the time#i cant imagine it being anything else#even when im surrounded by people or at events i feel disconnected#and is everyone just faking it or do they really love making plans going out#idk why im so nonfunctional it feels like whether or not i start feeling bad when i go out is 50/50#and i tried to join as many things as possible in my earlier years of college but i think it only succeeded in distracting me#and making me tired and sleep deprived and i felt like i was too shallowly involved in each thing bc i was spread too thin#but now ive quit almost everything and im just sad. i get jealous when people have plans and when they have friends. when they just go out#its just so tiring and all i ever want to do is lay in bed. but if i stay in bed i feel sad and guilty about missing out and wasting my life#everything stresses me out so easily. i cant play games bc i get anxious. ordering drinks in front of others makes me anxious. anything new#and i fear my anxiety gotten worse this year for just zero reason#im so tired im never getting better. next year my bf is travelling for over a month and im stuck in classes and busy and job hunting#and about to graduate#and i just know im going to be so lonely and so stressed and so depressed#it just kind of feels like i’ve tried so hard for years to be happier and cope with things healthier but i haven’t gotten anywhere.#perhaps im even worse now because i don’t even draw or consume any media anymore. i just barely work (and struggle the whole time) and sleep#my rambles
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life would be so much prettier if only there was an easy way to get a binder here
#i talk#vent in tags#screaming big shirts and sport bras arent enough anymore#like. even if they were easy to get. i dunno how will it be with my parents.#mom knows but isn't that supportive she just tries to gaslight me into thinking that its just stupid and doesn't make sense#dad. well. i prefer that my dad stays not knowing.#siblings i think they know but idk i never talked abt it with them properly#i just. i grow more desperated each day. and i hate it. at least now i stay more at home so i dont need to bind too often.#idk. maybe its depression or smth cuz i've been having too many negative thoughts lately.#drawing helps at least i like drawing sm#lay rants
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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#ok description update. is that too much? do people even understand this reference? or is it just me getting that stuck in my head everytime-#i hate and have an extreme fear of people like. misinterating me? thinking i'm something i'm not?#idk it just makes me extremely uncomfortable. and 'okay' is currently something i'm not.#especially if people know what life events i've been having! i dont want people to think i dont care! i know thats not how it works but#the idea that someone could see me reblog something funny and think 'oh good theyve gotten over their soul crushing life event' is painful#even if i KNOW thats not how it works and people wouldnt draw that conclusion. i just need to have some sort of symbol somewhere.#but also not be openly super over depressed bc that. does not help. and feels overdramatic and vulnerable! no thanks.#so this is a really weird combo of not okay signalling while still making it be jokey haha! thanks flipnote shyguy.#*new creative post tag here*#*misinterpreting?
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#;ooc#(i will admit i've been somewhat anxious to be on tumblr here bc i feel like.......sort of a failure in a way)#(i feel like im not producing enough art or fics or edits or memes or gifsets and it stresses me out when its silly!)#(ive been in the sharpe fandom for 7 years now when it was mostly just me and sam so its definitely like oh god. what do i have to show for#it)#(i dont have to /prove/ i love this series by making all these things. i think abt teresa and the sharpe series every goddamn day)#(i can do things at my own pace but lord it takes too long)#(i need to go back and fix my old fics bc i want to fix characterizations- i want to post my current art#(i want to post all my gifsets currently in my drafts)#(i love seeing everyone's stuff on the dash but ive avoided a lot of tumblr so im not ignoring anyone!! just being too mean to myself tbh)#(adhd and chronic fatigue and depression make it all the more difficult but i shouldnt let that stop me)#(in the meantime i finished a mockup of one of teresa's dresses- very excited with how lovely it came out)#(i've also made significant process on my drawings of teresa's outfit lineups!! new and old designs)#(and i just started a piece yesterday that i'm really loving so far- my favorite spanish ladies all together)#(i also have some sharpe and antonia doodles that i was working on...)#(anyways. just wanted to get that off of my chest)#(and also FINALLY started working on three different fics that i've had as ideas for literal YEARS)#(they're not that far in but. PROGRESS!)#(anyways......ignore me sdfsdfgsdf)
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