#it makes me so depressed and then i get too depressed to draw and the cycle just never ends
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Lore part four.
I have a few more characters to show off that either weren't important in Neriums story specifically or are in their own story and otherwise I will have showed all my characters and I thought that was a good reason to make another lore part I'm sure I'll make more characters so as I do I'll add them to this post so now let's begin.
First off why do they all have flower names I'm dyslexic and I like flowers and it's easier to remember flower names than it is made up ones that's pretty much the only reason.
how I choose a flower for a specific character is I usually Google flowers based on the characters color or personality I choose a flower that reminds me the most of them and name them after it or I find a cool looking flower and then make a character based off of that flower and that's about it.
Second off how I make the characters design mostly in my brain and gacha life 2 and in ponytown I did use to use animal crossing but I don't as much now a few of my characters came to me and dreams and that's about it for that too.
Now for the time frame of each character I made Nerium nightshade I made when I was seven her name was splashskitty at the time but she was the same basic character I made Periwinkle in gacha life 1 around 2017 or 2019 I don't know.
now I made Lavender Nepta and zinnia around 3 or 4 years ago at the same time I found the name Nerium and why started naming them all after flowers in the first place anyway a few months later I made daffodil Mirabillis and a month or so after that Aster and Asher who I realize I forgot to show.
A good while later in ponytown I made Delphinium and then Dianthus then Deparia and a little later I made Colocasia to and a few more months later I got gacha life 2 and I made Iris datrura to.
These two characters came to me in a dream about a year ago and they're really stuck with me and I made a whole tiny and incoherent story for them if you want to hear it just ask
This is Rosie posie Ashes she's 18 I was seeing from her eyes in my dream so she kind of looks like how I look like at the time because she kind of did look like me in the dream she can't die or at least she keeps going back from the dead and she's witnessed the horrors just two cats and a little sister that's about it.
This is Lindenii Jimsun shes 19 and she's completely insane has a very elaborate basement and kept killing Rosie posie ashes it was a very fun dream and it really stuck with me so I made these two characters because this is what they look like in the dream she also had a fennec fox and she's popular girl in school that everybody likes I don't know it's just her character.
And since I haven't shown them yet here's daffodil and lavenders sisters and Asher Aster
This is Periwinkle Angel heart she is lavender's little sister She's a little depressed she just wants people to leave her alone she also just wants to sleep she can see ghosts and she's kind of lazy and that's kind of about it for her personality. Bonus lore Lavender love pokemon specifically sun and moon Periwinkle only likes gen 1
This is daffodils older sister Mirabillis Belladonna bloom she's a goth girl that loves a vampires witches ghouls and all things spooky and she dreams to live in a big haunted mansion one day she doesn't really have much of a personality except for spooky things.
Aster bella bane she and her twin Asher were adopted by Nerium Aster is the fun loving optimistic ray of sunshine and she loves The legend of Zelda and games in general
And Asher bella bane is the pessimistic somewhat sad teen that listens to music and draws all day she still doesn't trust Nerium all the way she finds it hard to believe anyone could really love them and she just doesn't want Aster to get hurt.
And that's about it for characters I didn't mention and their history Now for the fun part this will be what songs I either feel fit the characters or that the characters would listen to maybe both at the same time I don't know.
Nerium nightshade. barbie girl by aqua hot to go by chappell roan and hey I don't work here by Tom cardy
Nerium nightshade reaper au. Oleander by mother mother and whatever will bleed will bleed by gloom darkheart
Nino nightshade. E.T. by toy box
Nepta nightshade. every song by Marina and the diamonds but especially how to be a heartbreaker
Aster bella bane. sunnyside by I don't know how but they found me pink fluffy unicorn dancing on rainbows by Andrew Huang go kitty go by Dancing cats and any legend of Zelda song
Asher bella bane. downside by I don't know how but they found me wolf in sheep's clothing by set it off and animal I have become by three days grace
Lavender Angel heart. red wine supernova by chappell roan and Celestial by Ed Sheeran
Periwinkle Angel heart. sleepwalk by Forrest Day and any lullaby or music box song
Zinnia lily glow. too sweet by Hozier and I/me/myself by Will Wood
Actaea orchid blight. Please don't leave me by P!nk and hot n cold by Katy Perry
Actaea orchid blight reaper au. Angel of darkness by Alex c and change the formality by infected mushroom
Daffodil Belladonna bloom. play date by Melanie Martinez and Candy store by Heathers
Mirabillis Belladonna bloom. Every song by voltaire but especially the night
Delphinium snowdrop Hazel. Oh Ms believer by Twenty one pilots and open up Your eyes by mlp
Dianthus kalmia Hazel. good luck babe by chappell roan and my kink is karma by chappell roan
datrura venom Hazel. Get jinxed by League of Legends and pretty little psycho by porcelain black
Deparia verbena Hazel. Tornado by owl City and let's fighting love by South Park
Spider Lillie. Lone Digger by Caravan Palace and Widow me this by gloom darkheart
Colocasia lilium. Goodbye by Ramsey and discord remix by the living tombstone
Iris periwinkle. destroy me by Mr Kitty and Ebb and flow by and every Jack stauber song
Rosie posie Ashes. Freaks by surf cruise love my dead by ludo Dinner is not over by Jack stauber and two time by Jack stauber
Lindenii Jimsun. Killer by the ready set and blood and bones by gloom darkheart and bust your kneecaps by pomplamoose
If you read all that thank you for taking interest in my characters and if you have any headcanons for my ocs or songs you think fit them please tell I'd love too hear them and thank you again for reading my long post <3
Is anyone interested in art of my ocs I'll probably post them anyway but I just wanted to know
#oc#my post#my characters#nerium nightshade#nerium nightshade <3#my ocs#oc stuff#my ocs <3#ocs#oc lore#my lore#long post#dislexia#infodump#i love my characters#song#favorite songs#songs#my writing
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birthday boy 🎂
#river dipping#theodore doe#matthias evanoff#a burning house to live in#echthroi#ts4#ts4 edit#simblr#ts4 screenshots#theo i hope you're having the most insane birthday sex rn i hope it's ******** and ***** and ***'** **** *** **** ***** :)<3#sorry i put off making your birthday edit for so long that i had to pivot and post this edit instead of the one i wanted </3#...very funny how similar this is to that LAST render i posted... well so WHAT!! if i think matthias looming is sexy!!#this is based on a photo that everyone was drawing their ocs as so really it's not MY fault he's back there clinging and being a freak#actually if y'all want this pose lmk... i'll share it but fyi it's only meant to be seen from the waist up and idk how it'd look#on a sim that doesn't have the same muscle mass and like. bulk. that matthias has......................................#just got rock hard after typing that... anyway.#HAPPY BIRTHDAY THEO <333333333 LOVE YOU SO MUCH I PROMISE I'M GONNA KEEP WORKING ON THE //ACTUAL// BIRTHDAY EDIT!! like .#posted abt this on the sideblog but the real edit i have planned for him is making me lose my fucking gourd#and it'll probably take me :))) a few more days to figure out#expect a depressing theo-as-a-teenager edit eventually tho. with writing!! accompanying it!!#matthias's face has changed again btw 😭 i redid it almost immediately after i posted that first render attempt so he looks DIFFERENT!!#i posted screenshots of him in cas just the other day on my other acc and he looks so good in them i might post them here too#oh and!! this edit looks massively different than my last because this screenshot was taken with a new preset i made specifically for#the real birthday edit i'm working on... it's a hallway scene so i figured out depth and density to get this really cool fog effect#i'm really excited for it!! in my head the way it looks makes me crazy but idk if i can pull it off properly. but like i WAS SAYING!!#new preset is sooo sexy after i post this i'll reblog with the before and after to show you how good it looks even w/o any editing#like. the colors....... literally have always wanted a preset like this i'm so glad i spent yesterday fucking around with it#ALSO!! i've been doing those oc/ship dynamic templates for fun recently so i might post a few of them here soon#realize i'm rambling so much in these tags bc i haven't been here in forever kfjnkfjhn ummmmm. let me stop.#EVERYONE WISH THEO HAPPY BIRTHDAY RIGHT NOW 🫵‼
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Blood sugar levels (Patreon)
#Doodles#ISaT#Siffrin#And implied Isa and Mira from offscreen but it's fine lol#Kinda sorta spoilers in the tags be warned#Man these poses were fun to draw - hand poses and body and ah <3 Fun!#This was one of those comics that came to me pretty much fully formed and then I had to do it - it was very fun which I'm very glad for!#Probably the funnest were the first - third - and fourth panels :D#The way their cloak falls around them ah pretty <3#That big spooky eye hidden under the brim of their hat <3#That one was really fun to edit too :D Writing [FAILURE] elsewhere on the page and then overlaying it :) Fun!#I wonder if Siffrin would die of starvation faster than normal due to the [redacted]#And since that would kill him it'd make him loop back - even tho it's also somewhat powered by food?#It's curious! I like it :)#I imagine his innate magic also powers it somewhat but hmmm recursive#Not that he died here anyway :) One of those fun ones before Loop spells it out for him :)#I have to wonder if All those loops we don't get to see are mundane hmm ♪ How many of them are forced out of Sif's mind so we as the player#Will just never know ♪ I suppose we'll never know! Haha#The exhaustion of having to keep his body running it's really the depression simulator#Sif :( They're gonna worry about you anyway!#It's amazing what our minds just refuse to process when we're in The Sads™ haha
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shut up
#transformers#maccadam#drama#i like the cover#people saying it's too 'sexy' are the problematic sexists#this same shit happened with z0ner's cover. yes i bullied her too because i believed the stupid shit you guys were saying#I MANAGED TO GROW UP BUT YOU PEOPLE ARE STILL DOING THIS TOXIC SEXIST ASS DANCE#i thought i was the bad person but honestly it's yall and your bullying asses#you're disgusting for bullying artists just because they draw women how they want#GROW UP.#I LOVE DRAWING CURVY SLIM SEXY ROBOT GIRLS#THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT#WE SHOULD FILL THE WORLD WITH MORE OF THEM BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I WANT TO SEE#IF YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING ELSE... DO IT YOURSELF!!!! MAYBE ONE DAY THE COMPANY WILL LIKE YOUR ART ENOUGH TO HAVE IT ON A COVER#i like milne's stocky arcee just as much as average arcee from TFA just as much as svelte arcee in this cover#i really thought it was me that was why i left the fandom due to my ignorance but coming back and seeing this petty ass drama you guys#are unleashing... im realising that you guys are the problematic ones. omfg#you make it so unfun to be in this fandom. might as well publish the most recent animation i was working on then take the ones i've already#finished into hiding. you people suck the joy out of drawing for transformers.#transformers was my last bastion out of depression and you guys reminded me why people shouldn't get into transformers#getting back into tf revitalized my desire to draw and held me back from suicide. but knowing how toxic environment you guys are...#there's no reason to keep living with such inhospitable negative toxic bullies.
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SAGESUNE MIKU >:DDD
#i rise from the dead once again!!#sorry about the long periods of time in between me posting#school is absolutely kicking my ass right now and i havent had any time to draw the creatures :(#ive also just been feeling unsatisfied with my art as of late#its probably just too much time online looking at other peoples art making me feel bad about myself#even though im improving as fast as i can it doesnt feel like im getting any better#but i know from experience that that feeling doesnt go away with time#so i guess ill always see flaws in my art no matter how hard i try to get better#man. that got really depressing :/#anyways SAGE!!! i love her she is my favorite of all time and im going to draw her so much yall dont even KNOW :D#ive got tons of other stuff planned too so watch out >:3#i could hit you guys with 6 paragraphs of au lore any day now#sonic the hedgehog#sage robotnik#AWWWHHHGG SHE HAS HER OWN LITTLE TAG IM SOBBING#anyways#sage sonic#hatsune miku#i guess#whoof im scared to post this#or maybe im just exhausted#probably both :/
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my kitty cats as little devils and angels. they are both perfect little angels and fiendish devils so i made two versions
#art#my art#ive had this sketched out for like 2 months and i havent touched it or drawn anything else since :[#i want to be drawing all the time again but i just havent felt like drawing for a while#it makes me so depressed and then i get too depressed to draw and the cycle just never ends
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aaaaa i'm really excited about these pride chibis, i hope everyone likes them :3c i'm always worried about how long my queue is, and if it takes me longer than june to finish these, but i really wanted to do them. hopefully people don't mind if they end up going into july to complete, but i also might just be over-worrying as usual and i'll get them done on time xD
#sorry sorry sorry my anxiety/depression has been really bad lately :C#really unpredictable too#i might have one day where i get a ton of shit done#and i'm like hell yeah we're back baby#and then 2 minutes later i'm crying and spiraling into the void#so i hope everyone can bear with me while i'm stilllll trying to get my brain right#anyway it all makes it hard to draw consistently#very frustrating >:C
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wip thing...
of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)
they mean the world to me
#bg3 spoilers#?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say.....#it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me.#i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee#i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable.#bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen#makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there.#dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it#augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH????#my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way.#Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3#I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE#AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY#grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear#truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol#if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life#being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer.#Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this?#For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online#someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this.#why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness?#What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...?#hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!!#i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful.#but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting.#I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself#I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing.#I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come.#Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......
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Sunday doodles
#you ever just *puts feet on the wall*#or sit upside down off the side of your bed#i saw a post earlier this week I've been trying to find about fearing god#i read it but didn't have time to share my thoughts and i forgot to save it to my drafts so i lost it#anyway they talked about fearing god in service today#the overlap of related events like this scares me all the time#like... i know this stuff just happens and they had this sermon planned for months and it's coincidental#''but what if god is actually real and this is him trying to talk to me? what if he's trying to move me back on track?''#that's something i can't help but think#i'm starting to think I'll never know what is real and whether there's a god and if i really am setting myself up to burn in hell#i have to make a choice whether to leave my friends and hide who I am and go back to the church#or be myself and enjoy my time alive knowing what could be waiting for me when I go#I know that sounds extremely dramatic but it's something I think about a lot#it's one thing for someone to have never gotten to known God#but some say that the one unforgivable sin - the only thing that can keep you out of heaven forever...#...is knowing god and accepting him in your heart but then turning your back on him#I've done those rituals; been baptized and taken communion and said the famous prayer#if that unforgivable sin is true then I guess i've already made my choice; there really is no going back for me haha#damn right that god is scary lol#not tagging the game because I monolouged too much lmao#doodles#sunday doodles#depressing sunday doodle posts have arrived once again#dw im chilling today just lost in thought#was able to put in pto so i get the day to reflect on the very important things 21 year olds think about#things like ''what could've been'' and ''how do i want to draw my next fluffy boy''
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life would be so much prettier if only there was an easy way to get a binder here
#i talk#vent in tags#screaming big shirts and sport bras arent enough anymore#like. even if they were easy to get. i dunno how will it be with my parents.#mom knows but isn't that supportive she just tries to gaslight me into thinking that its just stupid and doesn't make sense#dad. well. i prefer that my dad stays not knowing.#siblings i think they know but idk i never talked abt it with them properly#i just. i grow more desperated each day. and i hate it. at least now i stay more at home so i dont need to bind too often.#idk. maybe its depression or smth cuz i've been having too many negative thoughts lately.#drawing helps at least i like drawing sm#lay rants
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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#ok description update. is that too much? do people even understand this reference? or is it just me getting that stuck in my head everytime-#i hate and have an extreme fear of people like. misinterating me? thinking i'm something i'm not?#idk it just makes me extremely uncomfortable. and 'okay' is currently something i'm not.#especially if people know what life events i've been having! i dont want people to think i dont care! i know thats not how it works but#the idea that someone could see me reblog something funny and think 'oh good theyve gotten over their soul crushing life event' is painful#even if i KNOW thats not how it works and people wouldnt draw that conclusion. i just need to have some sort of symbol somewhere.#but also not be openly super over depressed bc that. does not help. and feels overdramatic and vulnerable! no thanks.#so this is a really weird combo of not okay signalling while still making it be jokey haha! thanks flipnote shyguy.#*new creative post tag here*#*misinterpreting?
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#;ooc#(i will admit i've been somewhat anxious to be on tumblr here bc i feel like.......sort of a failure in a way)#(i feel like im not producing enough art or fics or edits or memes or gifsets and it stresses me out when its silly!)#(ive been in the sharpe fandom for 7 years now when it was mostly just me and sam so its definitely like oh god. what do i have to show for#it)#(i dont have to /prove/ i love this series by making all these things. i think abt teresa and the sharpe series every goddamn day)#(i can do things at my own pace but lord it takes too long)#(i need to go back and fix my old fics bc i want to fix characterizations- i want to post my current art#(i want to post all my gifsets currently in my drafts)#(i love seeing everyone's stuff on the dash but ive avoided a lot of tumblr so im not ignoring anyone!! just being too mean to myself tbh)#(adhd and chronic fatigue and depression make it all the more difficult but i shouldnt let that stop me)#(in the meantime i finished a mockup of one of teresa's dresses- very excited with how lovely it came out)#(i've also made significant process on my drawings of teresa's outfit lineups!! new and old designs)#(and i just started a piece yesterday that i'm really loving so far- my favorite spanish ladies all together)#(i also have some sharpe and antonia doodles that i was working on...)#(anyways. just wanted to get that off of my chest)#(and also FINALLY started working on three different fics that i've had as ideas for literal YEARS)#(they're not that far in but. PROGRESS!)#(anyways......ignore me sdfsdfgsdf)
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after I've worked thru my current library stack I think im gonna reread tlt for the millionth time. bc I deserve it <3
#i just wanna feel smth... ive been suppressing the hyperfixation too long I need to get rly annoying abt it again. and make so much fanart#fortifying the defences before the seasonal depression properly hits..!!#my flatmate was saying it would probably help to have a project or smth and shes right its just difficult for me to start things atm#so it might be easier to go back to smth familiar but interact with it a new way. i want to annotate more and draw a tonnnn#and dredge up the half finished art I drew 2 years ago when I first read gtn.....#I definitely have a list of personal projects id like to work on somewhere but maybe this can work as an on ramp to that. we shall see#anyway going to bed early bc i have parkour tomorrow morning and also i wanna read a few chapters of smth before i sleep.. byeeee#.diaries
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Finally clocked off for the last time at my job… Hoping to be able to participate in more community things now that i’ll be back to a diurnal schedule <3 Hoping my next job will work out!
#v time bb#lesson learned: don’t try to work jobs your body is physically incapable of working!#don’t get me wrong#i love baking#and i love a lot of the things i learned while working at the bakery#but… i’m consistently in more pain than i’ve ever been my whole life#so it’ll be really good to have a new start#being in so much pain has affected my depression in ways that i never thought it could#and i’ve been so incapable of creating for months since starting here#which is genuinely the worst part#i love making things. i love drawing. i love writing. i love gposing#i haven’t opened ffxiv in literal months because it’s been too much effort#but now i can heal before trying again <3
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why can't a boy take a break from the horrors ? oh, must i always suffer this way ? is there no end to this madness ?
#<- had to deep clean its bedroom and decided to take a 20 minutes power nap that became a 3 hours existential crisis depression time#everything is laying around on the floor and for the life of me i cannot get up from bed to clean it up#i found a bunch of boxes filled with stuff from when i was suicidal in highschool and it hurts too much to look at it#but i cannot bring myself to throw them away bcs these are the only things i have that certify that i was Alive at that time#ive no photos of me no nothing apart from these notebooks filled with gore drawings and fanfiction about characters killing themselves lol#how do i make peace with who i used to be when that person brings me such sadness....#im so sorry ivan i should have treated myself better im doing my best nowadays !!!#u get to turn 18 ! and 20 ! and 25 ! and soon we're turning 26 and youre so much happier and content in life#its not all good u still are depressed and cant talk to people but ure much better than u used to be#i think of teenager me and how he thought i wouldnt make it this far... and when i think about my future and how i wont be able to make it.#i think... actually i was wrong once and i figured things out#i think i can do it again....#and i will !!!! by all gods that i dont believe in i will !!#vanya strawberry flavored
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