#internalized misogyny tw

[fairymint]

📖 What are we teaching our children? That they can just capture God in a tiny little ball? My word!

"Clearly, making friends is blasphemy. Only by praying and being a good little girl i mean boy and dying, can you meet god after having your dirty little soul melted through a cheese grater, painfully.

And if you can't see that god is up there and separate from us dirty plebs you're wrong. nevermind that i said he is in all of us everywhere and perfect, you need to follow the scripture instead of real life, real life is demons.

just shut up and eat your cornflakes until you grow into a barefoot and pregnant accountant who can take normal people holidays off. Fragment of god! impossible, god would never love you enough to hang out with you. Now smile at everyone you know, because god loves you!"

....He's not really amused. Or is he? The sarcasm is thick with this one... "What are you, five years old?"

"What is up, mine fellows??" Oh look, Arceus itself.

[golvio]

Also, guess what, geniuses? You’ve got body hair and adipose tissue, too! You’ve been brainwashed by the cisheteropatriarchy to compulsively deny you have any and obsessively try to remove all traces of them from your body in order to match some cishet white advertising exec’s idea of “femininity.”

Trying to sever fat and body hair from femininity isn’t liberating yourselves from trad gender roles or compulsory cisheterosexuality—it just closes the bars in tighter around you, convinces you to hate yourselves even further, conditions you to see other women as “competition” for some kind of societywide invisible beauty pageant panopticon, and encourages racism and transmisogyny against any woman who doesn’t naturally have delicate, wispy, blonde arm/leg hair that’s only visible in strong sunlight.

Beauty standards are a scam designed to sell hair removal products, diet pills, and whatever other miracle products advertisers sweetly promise will make the insecurities they planted into your head to exploit magically go away. I thought everyone knew that?

particular distaste lately for how, whenever i bring up hatred of fat and hairy people in primarily wlw spaces, there’s a running undercurrent that spans from just gently assuming i’m talking about butches, to saying shit like “just say butch, this is what butch used to mean before the Skinny White Androgynous Girls ruined it in 20whatever”

on many layers; the surface layer just being, no the fuck it did not, butch didn’t “used to” mean anything different than what it means now, and if you think it did, you’re buying into radfem revisionism that paints specifically the 1950s-60s white working class lesbian bars as the universally beloved halcyon days of yore that defined lesbianism for all communities forever. quit it with that shit.

but on a deeper level, i truly think that shunting all fat and hairy people off into needing to queer masculinity forever is… shitty? that’s just shitty? fat and hairy people can be femme. i know many fat and hairy femmes. fat and hairy people can be androgynous, can not relate to the butch-femme spectrum or social roles at all. the idea that if you’re fat and/or hairy you are uninterested in queering femininity or performing femininity to any degree is bigoted.

also, butch is not a body type. i’m sorry that you think skinny girls with side mullets aren’t queering masculinity enough for you, but the skinny butch who can’t lift an air conditioner is still a butch. butch has never been a description of a body type, get out of my house.

[blushedfemmes]

ok but can we talk about how the current wave of resentment towards “pillow princesses” has become like. straight up femmephobia and people being weirdly shitty towards femmes online / calling us spoiled and damn near evil because butches wanna take care of us and how dare we

yes we can and we can also talk about how a lot of people use femmes as a receptacle for their unexamined internalized misogyny. i have experienced this directly from a masc queer partner in the past, and on a casual/subtle basis my entire life, both from cishet women and from fellow queer people. and i will go ahead and say this is a femme-specific problem (at least in the context of these posts) because people will often use the way we present and our mannerisms and what we might prefer in bed as an excuse to belittle us, because the urge to belittle women (or that which we perceive to be woman-shaped, consciously or not) is so prevalent. in other queer people it will come out as ‘well i just think they’re being selfish in bed, i think they’re being spoiled/entitled, i think they look childish and stupid dressed that way, i think they’re scared of looking queer, i think they’re dressing for the male gaze, i think they’re acting like a stereotype, (and especially if it’s a femme transfem) i think they’re being too binary-gender conforming and therefore oppressive/predictable/bad, etc etc’ and all this plus more for femmes of color whose femme expression doesn’t ‘make sense’ to any given white person or immediately read to a white person as queer or lesbian

and it really is about gut reactions and never about the truth. femmes often exercise a great deal of care in our interactions with butches or with anyone, and we often derive immense satisfaction in caring for our partners. of course femmes can be shitty. femmes can be selfish. we are an enormous and complex group of people and, furthermore, everyone is capable of causing harm, i know i have. but the times when i have personally experienced this brand of femmephobia it is almost always because of assumptions that people made because they already had a gut reaction to me and how i dress and what i like, and they’re making up reasons to justify it.

there is no end to the excuses people will make in their minds to justify treating femmes badly, because they saw a woman-shape and decided to use us as a dumping ground for internalized misogyny. and yes it is a particularly stinging betrayal, because it happens the most in our own queer communities, where we long to be accepted.

[dui-enthusiast]

I ain’t even that deep in the mouthwashing fandom but I saw a post that was like “if jimmy just admitted he loved curly he wouldn’t have attacked anya and crashed the ship lmfao” 😐 what the fuck are we doing here man

[schrijverr]

I Didn’t Mean to Say I Do, but I Do. I Do. 31

Chapter 31 out of 50

Secret marriage of convenience buddie slow burn AU, where Buck and Eddie have been married for years so Buck could adopt Chris and no one at the 118 knows.

In this chapter, the aftermath of his confession leaves Eddie adrift and alone. In the midst of all this, Chris is coming to the hospital and Eddie will have to tell him about Buck’s injury as well as deal with the fall out.

On AO3.

Ships: Buddie (slow burn)

Warnings: internalized misogyny, self loathing, injury, referenced near death experience

~~~

Chapter 31: He Didn’t Say Bye Bye

Eddie sits against that wall for what must be ten minutes. People walk by, but most let them be. If someone is crying outside a hospital, it’s rarely for a good reason and this is LA, people have their own problems to deal with. He’s just another face in the crowd of people no one cares about.

For once he’s grateful to disappear like that, wanting nothing more than to fold into himself until he is so small he fades out of existence.

Unfortunately, the world doesn’t work like that. He can’t keep moping around forever, it’s unbecoming and shameful. There is no need to be so emotional, it’s not about him. He has a family that he has a duty to. He needs to be the man of the house. Step up.

So, after allowing himself those ten minutes, he takes a deep breath and pulls out his phone. “Hey, Carla. Did you see the news?”

“Yeah, he’s in surgery. He’s probably going to live, but his leg- it’s bad. Really bad. Uh, can you- can you bring Chris to the hospital? I- I want to tell him myself. In person. And I can’t just leave Buck alone here.”

“Thank you so much. I- I don’t know what I would do without you.” He hangs up before he can start sobbing. No one needs to hear that. Including himself.

Eddie slaps himself hard on the cheeks, snapping himself out of it, then he quickly clambers to his feet, making sure to straighten his shoulders. No more wallowing. He needs to be strong now.

Inside Bobby is talking to Athena, who has arrived finally as well. He seems to be giving her a rundown of what has went down, which Eddie knows, because she keeps looking over at him, her brow furrowed and lips pursed.

Maddie has returned too, Chimney still by her side. She looks both angry and devastated and when Chimney spots him, he sends him a confusedly angry look, as if he can’t believe what possessed Eddie to what he did.

Standing there now, Eddie also questions why he did what he did. He had the right idea at Christmas, to cut Buck lose, divorce him and give him his freedom back. He should have divorced him before he even started working there, when his parents suggested it last year in the week after Chris’s birthday. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. Even now, after everything, the thought of doing that to him, to them, feels wrong.

Still, something bad churns in his stomach as he sees the two of them sitting there, Hen next to them. When she sees Chimney mean mugging someone, she turns around to see who he’s looking at, spotting Eddie at the entrance. Upon seeing him, she does a little apologetic wince on Chimney’s behalf.

Beside her is an empty chair and there is also a cup of coffee sitting unclaimed, likely intended for him. However, Eddie doesn’t know if he wants to go over there right now. The grasp on the emotions he has only just managed to suck up is fragile and most of the people there look like they don’t want him there. It’s the opposite of the warmth he remembers from when he first started working there. All that ease with which he integrated into the 118 has evaporated like it’s nothing.

So, he doesn’t make his way over to them, instead going by the front desk and asking: “Hi, I’m Edmundo Diaz. Evan Buckley, my husband, he’s in surgery. Do you have an update?”

He had to answer the question about the amputation about half an hour ago, so he knows it’s nonsense to ask, but it’s a good excuse. It means he’s not surprised when the receptionist taps a few keys, before giving him a kind, sympathetic smile: “It looks like your husband is still in surgery, Mr. Diaz. We will update you when he is done. Please, take a seat in the waiting room until then.”

“Uh, yeah, yes, okay. Uhm, thank you,” Eddie replies somewhat awkward. He’s never been great at small talk and he didn’t prepare this conversation beyond his first question.

“Of course,” she smiles, thankfully ignoring his bumbling.

He gives her a tight nod then turns back to the waiting room, hoping to see something else to do and steadfast ignoring the group of familiar faces that are following him with their eyes. Bobby and Athena have joined them and are probably getting updated further on why Eddie needs to be ousted, which he doesn’t want to be a part of, thank you.

Luckily, he spots a vending machine. Perfect. Hopefully they have something with caffeine, since he’s had to pass on the coffee Hen got him. He is definitely not an energy drink kind of guy, but at this point, he doesn’t really care.

He gets a drink that he doesn’t recognize and a chocolate bar. A chocolate bar probably isn’t going to be enough to soften the blow that papi is seriously hurt, but it’s better than nothing.

To distract himself from his failure as a parent, he cracks open the drink and takes a sip, making a face when the taste hits him. At least he’ll have something to hold as he wanders around trying not to look too stupid. Having something to do with his hands will help keep them from shaking, help preserve the image of strength he definitely doesn’t feel.

Eddie wonders if Buck felt like this when he learned about Eddie getting hurt. Untethered. Like something monumental has happened.

It’s quite dramatic and he tells himself to stop. Buck was probably normal about it. But then again, he didn’t have to watch Eddie be stuck without rescue coming soon, waiting in the hospital waiting room while his well being hung in the balance. Buck just got a call he’d been in an accident and was now fine, but in the hospital, ready to be flown home. That’s his justification for acting weird like he is – which he has stopped, mind you.

Before he can get too much on his own nerves – and that of the others – Carla arrives with Chris. If he is honest, he would’ve rather gotten on everyone’s nerves, including his own, than have this conversation.

He is too absorbed with Chris to take notice of the others, so he misses their horrified looks. None of them know what to think of the sudden revelation that Eddie and Buck have been married for years apparently, except for betrayal, confusion, anger, hurt.

In feeling that, they had all but forgotten about Chris and what that means for his relation to Buck, however, seeing him here now, that all comes rushing back. Once it does, they want it to disappear again, to be oblivious, especially when Chris speaks.

“Daddy, why are we in the hospital?” he asks, voice innocent. Eddie grasps at straws trying to find words to say. In his silence, Chris goes on: “You and papi said I didn’t need to go to the doctor again for a while last time, why am I here again? Why are you so dirty?” He looks around. “And where’s papi?”

The question nearly breaks Eddie. He can feel his eyes well up and he squares his jaw to keep it in check, before sinking down to one knee. He cups Chris’s face to make sure he is looking in his eyes, before he gently says: “Papi got hurt today, mjio. He’s in surgery.”

“Papi’s hurt?” Chris asks, eyes big, lip wobbling and voice wavering.

It takes everything inside him not to mirror Chris’s fear and keep his calm, strong facade. After a big breath, he nods: “Yeah, Superman, he’s hurt. His leg got stuck and that really hurt, so they had to bring him in to go fix it.”

“Where is he?” Chris asks, not understanding what exactly that means.

“He’s in surgery,” Eddie says plainly. “You remember when you had surgery? It’s like that, the doctors are looking at him.”

“I want to see him, I want papi,” Chris says, his breaths starting to hitch.

Helplessly Eddie has to break his heart. “You can’t right now, Chris, we have to wait until the doctors are done.”

“The doctors can’t have him, I didn’t say bye bye before they took him, you’re supposed to say bye bye, before the doctors take you,” Chris yells angrily, reverting back to how he used to speak when he was four, as he remembers his own surgeries. And the day Shannon left.

Eddie is very aware of all the eyes of everyone in the waiting room that are on him. He feels the judgment like he always does, that he isn’t good enough, that he is way too young to handle this, that he’s dragging down Chris with him with his incompetent parenting.

Desperately, he shushes: “It’s okay, it’s okay, Chris. Papi’s very strong, remember? He’s going to be okay, he’s going to be okay, you can say hi to him real soon, just- don’t cry, please.”

It doesn’t work.

The anger has become fear and frustration, and tears are already spilling, sobs hitching his breath, while Eddie can’t do anything other than watch. He pulls Chris into a big hug, feeling his tiny shoulders shake.

Chris’s crutches dig into his ribs and his glasses are going to leave an imprint in his neck with how hard Chris is burying his face there, but Eddie doesn’t care. Chris is reacting exactly like Eddie would have, like Eddie nearly did, before he reigned himself in. He doesn’t do that for Chris, he’s just a kid, not the man of the house. His papi is hurt, if he wants to cry, he should and Eddie is going to do nothing other than hold him.

He cradles his head rocking them back and forth as he whispers: “It’s okay, mjio, it’s okay, just let it out. I’m here. I’m right here and papi will be too. We just have to be there when he wakes up.”

Weakly Chris sobs: “He didn’t say bye bye.”

Eddie’s lungs wrap themselves in a knot as he gives the sky a pleading look. As expected, nothing changes. He tightens his grip on Chris and promises: “It won’t be for long. He’s going to be fixed up soon and then he’s going to wake up and he’s going to be real sorry about not saying bye bye before the doctors took him. I know it.”

“I don’t want him to be sorry, I want him to be here,” Chris wails.

It tugs at his heartstrings, but he doesn’t know what to say. He’s nineteen holding a crying baby that won’t stop even if he’s doing everything he’s supposed to. He’s twenty-three holding a toddler who can’t comprehend why mommy would go and nothing Eddie can do will bring her back. It’s as if doesn’t matter how much he tries, he’ll always end up here; Chris crying in his eyes out, while nothing he does can stop it.

Buck has a high chance of survival, but Eddie knows nothing is certain. He’s seen too many people with high chances not make it to feel wary of his promise to Chris about Buck waking up real soon, but he has to do something – anything – to make Chris feel better again. He’s his father.

But he’s only one of his fathers and it doesn’t matter that he’s right there, just like it didn’t matter Buck was right there while Eddie’s return was delayed. Just like it didn’t matter when Shannon had left. Half of his parental unit has suddenly fallen away and all he can understand is that Buck is hurt and couldn’t say bye bye before the doctors took him.

Papi didn’t say bye bye, like mommy didn’t say bye bye before she disappeared forever. What can Eddie do when faced with that precedence?

He looks over to Carla, because she feels like the only backup he has right then. She is looking at the two with sympathetic pain in her eyes, Buck is as much her friend as Eddie is. When she catches his eyes, she whispers: “Should I get a bottle of water?”

Of course, Chris should drink, be hydrated. Eddie is a medic, he should have thought of that. Guess it’s just another thing he’s failing at tonight, he thinks as he gives her a grateful nod, struggling to swallow the sour taste of inadequacy.

Chris is still crying and Eddie still feels like a horrible parent. Everyone else can also see how he’s a horrible parent. A bitter part of him thinks that the 118 will at least understand why he trapped Buck and why Buck felt the need to help, Eddie is clearly terrible at this.

However, while Chris’s tears are breaking his heart, he’s pretty sure most people in the waiting room actively hate him, because of the tears. He wants to fight all the people who even think that, because Chris is allowed to cry as much as he wants and needs, however, he’s not going to fight anyone in front of Chris.

So, he just takes the bottle of water Carla gives him and hoists Chris up into his arms. He says: “I’m taking him to calm down, find me if there’s an update on Buck?”

“Course,” Carla says. “Do you want me to call anyone else for him? Or for you? Buck’s parents or Pepa, maybe?”

“Uh, no. No, he wouldn’t want his parents here. But if you can call tía Pepa, that would be great. She doesn’t have to come, just update her. I think she is working tomorrow. Or today, I suppose.”

“Alright, I’ll do that.”

“Thank you so much,” he says with as much emotion as he can scrounge up, before he quickly walks out of the waiting room, rubbing Chris’s back and whispering soothing platitudes into his ear as he goes.

He tries to hand him the water bottle to drink, but Chris refuses to come out of the refuge that is Eddie’s neck, clutching him tightly as if he’s scared that Eddie will disappear too. Chris should really drink, but Eddie lets him be for now.

There aren’t many places to go, so he goes into the bathroom. Trying to put Chris down on the counter by the sinks is the wrong move, which Chris lets him know by sobbing more. Eddie is pretty sure at this point, he’s more crying because he’s tired and overwhelmed and unable to stop, but it still breaks his heart when he scrambles to hold onto Eddie’s shirt, fighting him by wrapping his little legs around Eddie with all his might.

“No, daddy, don’t go,” he sobs.

“I’m not going anywhere, mijo, I’m here. I’m right here,” Eddie promises. “But you have to drink something and take a deep breath, okay? You have to breathe, sweetheart.”

Chris shakes his head stubbornly, the face he makes a mirror image of how Eddie looks when he’s upset, but can’t verbalize it.

Eddie mentally runs through all the times Chris has been upset like this, trying to find a way to get him to calm down and drink. There’s nothing wrong with crying, but it does impact your body and the last thing either of them can use is a cranky Chris, who isn’t feeling well, because he has a headache from dehydration and the crying.

The memory of breaking the news to Chris that he had to go comes back to him. He finds himself echoing Buck’s words from then, now. “Daddy’s not going to leave, Chris. I pinky promise, you can’t break those, remember? Come on. Here, pinky up.”

He’s holding up his pinky and wiggling it, even though Chris is burrowed too far into his skin to see it. He feels a little bit ridiculous doing it, but he doesn’t stop, especially when it makes Chris pause for a second.

Mistrustfully, Chris peeks out from his hiding spot with one eye, studying the digit. Eddie holds his breath.

After a beat, Chris uncurls his one fist from Eddie’s shirt to reach out, wrapping his own small pinky around Eddie’s. “Promise?” he asks, his is voice hoarse, but his tears have slowed.

“Promise,” Edie confirms. “I’m just going to put you down on the counter so I can uncap the bottle so you can drink. You can even hold on to me the whole time.”

It seems that now that his crying is interrupted, Chris is feeling more like himself again. Because he pouts: “”m not a baby,” when he lets got of Eddie’s pinky.

“I never said you were, Superman,” Eddie smiles, relieved and fond to see the kid he knows so well shining through again. “Now, let’s take a seat, huh?”

He puts Chris down and cracks open the water bottle, handing it to Chris while taking his crutch from him in exchange. He has to untangle the other, since despite his protests that he’s not a baby, Chris isn’t letting go with his other hand as he drinks. Thankfully neither of them fell while Eddie carried him here, he’s pretty sure he’d have a mental breakdown if he had to go look for Chris’s lost crutch on top of everything else.

Chris has stopped crying, unable to do so while drinking and calmed down enough to stop after keeping himself going without breaks for so long. However, his face is still snot covered, messy and puffy. Only a few things can be helped there, so Eddie takes a paper towel out of the dispenser and holds it up to Chris’s nose as he instructs: “Blow.”

After wiping away as much snot as he can with the paper towel, he gently wipes some of the fallen tears from Chris’s face with his thumbs. The drying tear-tracks still leave some salt on his face, but it must be a lot more comfortable.

Throughout the cleaning up and water sipping, Chris has turned quiet and withdrawn. It’s unlike the happy kid he knows, so to lighten the mood a bit, he comments on the crutches: “Papi is probably going to be matching when he’s getting better. You can show him all the cool tricks you can do with these. Maybe give him some tips.”

“I’ll give him the best tips,” Chris says enthusiastically, becoming a little more like himself.

“I’m sure you will,” Eddie smiles. In hindsight, he needed this break away from everyone as much as Chris did. He feels a lot more settled now and ready to face it all. He doesn’t necessarily believe the promises he made to Chris entirely, but he has faith in Buck and talking about him as if making it through is only natural, soothes him more than anything else has.

Eddie scoops Chris back up into his arms, while Chris babbles about all the tips and tricks he’s going to give papi. He is happy to listen and only sometimes interjecting with encouraging sounds as they return to the waiting room.

When he sees the others, he pauses for a moment, unsure of what to do when Chris spots them. He isn’t going to forbid Chris from going near people he knows and he doesn’t think the others will ice him out like they did to Eddie, but the fear still lingers.

Luckily, he spots Carla somewhere else, so it’s less weird to make his way over to her than to awkwardly stand somewhere away from the others by himself.

Carla takes the empty water bottle from Chris, handing Eddie a new full one as she says: “You need to drink as well, young man.”

“Thank you, Carla,” he smiles and he sees some relief in her eyes when he does.

He takes a sip, not having drank since the disgusting energy drink from what is probably already an hour ago. He needed the water. He also remembers the chocolate bar and fishes it out of his pocket, while gripping the water bottle with his teeth. “Here,” he hands it to Chris.

Chris stares at the treat for a split second, before quickly tearing in. He’s still in his pajamas and they normally have a strict rule around brushing teeth and eating after, not wanting him to get into bad habits when dental hygiene is important.

Them wanting Chris to have good teeth is the whole reason Buck ever started that research spiral about dental hygiene that lead to him now flossing like a madman every night. A stab of fondness goes through Eddie, which is immediately followed by an ache, because it might be a long while before he’s standing next to Buck brushing their teeth again. Unconsciously, he hugs Chris closer to his chest.

He and Carla make idle small talk, both pointedly not mentioning the elephant in the room. Eddie isn’t sure if it’s for his sake or Chris’s. He figures it’s his when Chris falls asleep – the exhaustion of crying and the late hour catching up with him – and Carla continues on.

They end up waiting for a little over two more hours, before Eddie is approached by the same doctor from before. She looks to be pleased, so there is hope buzzing under his skin along with the nerves. “And?” he asks, the second she’s close enough.

As she explains how they’ve installed a bunch of bolts and screws into his leg, managing to salvage the bone and expecting that he will walk. The others also gather around to hear.

The relief upon hearing the news that Buck is going to be fine connects them for a moment, dissipating the uncomfortable air that had been haunting the waiting room the whole night. Until the doctor finishes: “Mr. Buckley is in his own room. He shouldn’t get a lot of visitors yet, but I’m sure he’ll be happy to find his husband and son there when he wakes up.”

Immediately the atmosphere changes again and Eddie is glad Chris is sleeping through all this, sufficiently knocked out. Because he feels the others turning to look at him as guilt claws at the insides of his chest again.

Trying to dispel it, he says: “She just said that because of the paperwork, I’m sure he wants to have you there when he wakes up too. You can all visit, it’s not like I will limit it.”

It’s the wrong thing to say, he can see it in how Maddie’s face tightens. She hates that he is the medical next of kin for Buck, that he could ban her from Buck’s hospital room should he want to. He wants to tell her it’s not like that, but he can’t change that it is and he’s tasted his own foot enough for one night to try to fix this right now.

“No,” she says, “it’s clear he’d prefer to have you and Chris there. I’m just glad he’s okay, but I think I need to go home. Process. Tell him I came by?”

“Uh, yeah, of- of course,” Eddie stumbles, unsure if he should push her to stay or if giving her space would be better. He knows giving Buck space isn’t a good idea most of the time, but Maddie isn’t Buck and today has proven that Eddie doesn’t know her well at all.

“I’ll drive you home,” Chimney offers. “Say hi to Buck.” And with that the two leave.

With them gone, Eddie turns to Bobby and Athena, his eyes probably more begging than he would usually allow himself. But before he can even ask, Bobby is already shaking his head. “I have to appear before the LAFD brass tomorrow, explain what happened today. I wanted to make sure he came out the other end okay, but I need some sleep before that.”

The reminder of what Buck and Eddie have done – what Eddie has done – weighs heavily on him and he can’t even begin to think of what a mess it will become. The shame of Bobby having to do that because of him grips him by the throat, so he just nods wordlessly.

“We’ll come by later,” Athena promises, seeing his expression. She gives him a hug and Bobby claps him on the back and then they’re also gone.

Now it’s just him, Carla and Hen. Hen apologetically says: “I need to go home to Denny and Karen, make sure they’re okay. Be with family. You know how these things get to you.”

And Eddie does know, he knows it very well, which is exactly why he wants her, wants everyone, to stay here with him. But he knows he can’t ask that of them. So he just says: “Yeah, I do. Go home, it’s okay.”

“Thanks,” she says with a small smile. “Wish Buck the best from me, tell him I’ll come when I can, yeah?”

“I will,” Eddie promises, saying goodbye to Hen as well. Once she’s gone, he sighs to Carla: “You probably have other clients or your family to go home to as well?”

“Nah, if I see my friend being crushed by a firetruck on the news, I’m here,” she says. “I was supposed to have Chris until tomorrow morning anyway. And I have a free day, so you’re in luck. I can stay as long as you need me to.”

Eddie can almost burst into tears at the news, but he manages to reign himself in. “You’re the best, Carla.”

“Don’t you forget it,” she laughs.

The three of them make their way to Buck’s room. He looks small on that hospital bed, which should be impossible with just how freakishly large he is, but it’s true. If Eddie hadn’t heard the doctor say he’d be okay, he’s sure he’d doubt it.

Wordlessly, he stumbles to the chair next to his bed, sinking down on it as he maneuvers Chris’s still sleeping form onto his lap. When he’s all settled, he takes Buck’s hand, comforting himself with the warmth that radiates from it, even if it’s still terrifyingly slack in his hold.

If he believed in the universe, he’d ask it why it hates him. Because how did he survive telling Chris that papi got hurt, only to have to tell Buck he drove his family away while he was in surgery?

~~

A/N:

Chris will never not break my heart, this kid has been through so much already it’s wild (I type as if I did not just add to his trauma lmao)

Also, naturally, the 118 is colored by Eddie’s POV here, there is of course still tension, but you know, keep that in mind

[golvio]

And don’t forget “Women are too weak and stupid to compete with men! Therefore we should stop desegregating sports leagues or pushing to only have height/weight categories instead of gendered categories and instead keep the Fheeeeee-Mayles in their own little baby league while the big, scary, brainy He-Men get to play the real sports!”

JK Rowling has done more damage to feminism than any other person in modern history and I'm not joking.

[radykalny-feminizm]

Kpop fans need to be checked on bc they're arguing in the comments that this body is not normal and that she's fat 💀 I had to double-check if it's not some kind of satire bc wtf. But they're for real. I fucking hate it here

[thebusylilbee]

I think the expression "patriarcal terrorism" is a very good one for the unfortunately way too common cases of serial rapes and mass rapes done by men

[breathetoseethetruth]

I will never get over the fact, that one argument of D*pp supporters unironically is: "She doesn't look battered enough."

When exactly is a woman "battered enough" for you all?

This goes hand in hand with misogynistic men saying, that women should just endure it and stay, until their life is in active danger.

This goes hand in hand with people's subconscious idea, that only a dead victim is a perfect victim, because if she can still breathe, then she can still lie.

People saw Amber's injuries and deemed them not good enough, not severe enough, not "realistic looking enough" and somehow came to the conclusion that therefore, they must have been painted on.

We live in a day and age, where millions of people decided that it's believable that an abused woman painted on injuries, and do not care what a precedent this will set for possibly millions more women (at worst, they blame her for it). They chose to believe this insanity, rather than that a man simply did lay his hand on her. They excuse and ignore one piece of damning evidence after another against this man, but will scrutinize the tiniest flinch on the woman's face.

And yet, men have the audacity to claim that people are after them. That there's an "epidemic of men being falsely accused". They will use this against EVERY woman who will dare to name her abuser.

And so many of you enabled them.

[aishabellasbigblogofeverything]

Feel like reminding people who insist on calling trans women and girls “dude” and “bro” as “gender neutral” terms that we live in a patriarchal society where men are seen as the default and that’s the only reason those SPECIFICALLY MALE words take on a gender neutral connotation, in addition to the fact that women are seen as lesser and so calling a man a female term is seen as “degrading”. Ik Tumblr tends to forget this with how much you love to call your male blorbos “baby girl” but yeah that’s how it is in this world. I don’t see y’all out here calling trans dudes sis or girlypop nearly as much but when it comes to trans women and their boundaries suddenly everybody and their mama wants to argue.

[sapphic-agent]

A lot of katara hate really stems from misogyny (internal too) cause wtf is this

https://x.com/bambied_/status/1753880126029242427?s=46

Apparently that other girl's name is Hachi? Idk, I've never seen this show before nor do I understand what the tweet is saying (I can't see the replies because I don't have Twitter, thanks a fucking ton Elon). If someone can explain in the comments please educate me.

But it's definitely true that most Katara hate comes from misogyny, internalized misogyny especially. Most women who hate on her go absolutely crazy for Sokka or Zuko or Aang while excusing their actions and making Katara out to be worst than she is. Or they "prefer" Suki's feminism over Katara's (which is especially dumb because Suki never faced the level of misogyny that Katara did, she grew up on an island that celebrates the last female Avatar and reveres its female warriors while sexism was rooted into the Water Tribes' culture).

A great instance of how the fandom treats Katara vs the male characters is TSR. Everyone will go batshit insane over Katara saying, "Then you didn't love her like I did," but not one of them will bat an eye over Aang comparing her to Jet (someone who used and manipulated her) in that very same scene. Not to mention that she's right, Sokka himself admits that he started to picture Katara when he thought of his mother. He didn't feel Kya's absence as much (whereas Katara felt Hakoda's absence as much as he did) because Katara was around to take care of him while no one was taking care of her. He isn't as full of grief as Katara is because he had her there to support him. Katara was parentified and it started with Sokka and continued through Aang and Toph. One of the failings of ATLA was that this was never addressed (and was even perpetuated by the show).

As for what you linked? I'm assuming the post is making some weird comparison? One thing I can't stand about any fandom- whether it's comic books fans, anime fans, book fans, or whoever- is the need to compare female characters from different media. Like, I can't stand people who are all, "nAmI doEsN't gEt haTe LikE saKUrA." I don't even hate Sakura, but why are you bringing in an unrelated character? Just because they both happen to be women? Because the other Strawhats (especially Zoro, Usopp, and Sanji) hit Luffy just as much, so Nami being the one brought up is misogyny in and of itself (also, as a Luffy lover, he usually gets hit when he's giving away money or putting them in unnecessary danger, so he usually deserved it). We need to stop using women to put other women down (both real and fictional).

Now, if we're saying, "Hey, this female character was handled better than that female character," that's different. But 9 times out of 10, that isn't the case

[pleasantspark]

Forever & Ever - Chapter Three (You Can't Always Get What You Want) Frieza x Fem! Frieza Race OC Genre: Horror/Romance(?) Tropes: Yandere Part of The F&E Series Warnings: Possessiveness, Frieza (Because he's a whole ass warning in of itself), Sexism, Forced Gender Roles, Misogyny, Internalized Misogyny, Stalking, Implied Offscreen Death, Death, Yandere Behavior, Canon Divergent, Impossible Logic, DBZ Logic, Pregnancy, Abusive Relationships, Gaslighting, Toxicity, Manipulation, Animal Death/Animal Cruelty (Mentioned, One Time Thing), Suicide (Mentioned) AUs Utilized: Frieza Redemption Arc AU (Separate Arc, a COMPLETE different whatif) Frieza Race Overhaul Doc Used! Please check for it here: x A/N: Y'all really fucking wanted it, so here it is! Haha!

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Frieza never heard of those words, he never was denied what he wants. He always got it. He never heard the words no. A spoiled child often is used to the idea of getting what they want that anything else they hear were in and out the other ear.

Frieza was that spoiled child, call him whatever you want but he won't sing and prance about how he gets everything because singing was nothing more than pathetic.

Something he finds as weakness.

Speaking of weakness...

Frieza found himself glancing towards the prison sector often more than he has to, he's spent most of the past few months isolating Orion to break her down and wear her down in order for her to give in. But he couldn't stop himself when he wanted to go and visit her.

Some part of him knew he probably deep down has... Well, feelings for her and has affection for her. But he never felt this before.

I always get what I want, and that's a fact.

Cooler spent most of his days on his ship walking through the various halls, past the portraits of his family. There was multiple portraits of him and his family, none of which were him smiling in them, after his mother passed.

It wasn't a secret that King Cold never loved his eldest. He was often the overlooked and forgotten Cold family member in favor for the youngest member.

Growing up whenever he would complain to his Dad about the unfairness his Dad would always say.

"Frieza was born prematurely."

Or.

"Frieza is special."

He sort of accepted that Frieza was the new norm and that whatever he said would never change his father's mind. But as Cooler grew up, he began to realize how...

Off Frieza was.

While he was born premature, and given the constant attention and support his father has given to Frieza, it had never made Frieza humble. It had turned him into a monster.

An irredeemable monster.

King Cold wasn't a great father, he would barely discipline Frieza. If anything King Cold's reluctance to do so, lies in his love for his youngest.

Cooler never had birthday's after his mothers death. Frieza would throw his usual fits that would garner sympathy and allow King Cold to give in, several birthdays were stolen because of Frieza's temper tantrums.

He wished his mother was still around, he knew she would not stand for these things.

It was... Even worse.

Cooler was given a pet. One year for his birthday. King Cold finally went out and bought Cooler a present. He's been asking for this pet from another planet for years but never wanted to tell him if Frieza's around so one day, King Cold surprised him with the pet he wanted.

Frieza was not happy.

The moment he was aware of it, he threw one of his infamous temper tantrums. And this time, King Cold finally put his foot down and refused to entertain this, and Frieza was shocked.

He never heard those words.

Cooler fully expected Frieza to fight back, but he just surprisingly got up, and walked to his room. For the next few weeks it was silent, Frieza didn't try his usual tatics to get what he wants, he just was quiet. For awhile Cooler thought his family was back to normal.

Oh how he was wrong.

One day, King Cold had to go off planet and Cooler had went out with friends. He left behind Frigid, the pet he named after his Mom in his room, and went to his friends house.

When he arrived home, King Cold was currently at the table, he greeted his father, and headed back to his room. He was hoping to see Frigid greet him, but she never did. He felt uneasy. What's going on? Immediately entering in the room, his eyes laid upon...

Well, to be frank, it was a gruesome sight, Cooler screamed. And attracted the attention of King Cold and Frieza.

King Cold noticed the carcass of the pet he gifted Cooler, and he looked back at Cooler. Both didn't have to say anything. They knew Frieza was behind it.

When his mother was still around, Frieza was thoroughly disciplined. She wouldn't have been a doormat like their father and allowed herself to be stepped all over like that.

Frieza was terrified of their mother, when he acted out and tried to strike him once, she grabbed his arm tightly, and squeezed it. It was a warning squeeze. "You do that shit again, and I will take you out this world, I brought you into this world and I can take you right the fuck out." Cooler found her statement to Frieza to be very badass, and just that alone scared Frieza into behaving.

Their father stopped the spoiling and they remained a normal family... Until, you know. Her death.

Some say it was an accident, he said it was Frieza.

After his pets death, Cooler moved out, he had enough of his father's refusal to punish Frieza accordingly and the alarm bells were ringing, as he didn't want to end up a skinsuit, so he packed what little things he had. (Some were family heirlooms and memories of his mother.) and moved out.

He formed the Cooler Armed Squadron as an attempt to escape his life. And he did, he severed ties with his family as he didn't want to know anything about them.

Then, he got word of his fathers death. Frieza called him saying that their adoptive mother, Berryblue had informed him of their fathers passing saying that a Saiyan Warrior killed him, Cooler didn't have much to say, other than a simple, "Okay."

I mean, what much did he have to say towards his Golden Child Brother, who lived life with no consequences? It's been nearly a decade since they interacted, and he had nothing to say whatsoever to the monster who ruined his life.

Okay, that's a bit harsh but Cooler knew that Frieza was the worse. A Monster even.

Not even a moment after Frieza called to inform him of their fathers death, he received a handwritten letter from Salza, which was written by King Cold moments after his death.

Opening the contents, it was clear from the get go, that this... Was no ordinary death note.

This was a suicide note.

In the entirety of the written prose, King Cold disclosed his apologies and explanations for his reasoning behind enabling Frieza's piss poor behavior, all of which amounted to pity and feeling bad for Frieza's circumstance. While he was apologetic for the death of the pet he got Cooler, he was aware that nothing he say can make up for what he has done.

Cooler read the entirety of the letter, feeling nothing but resentment for his sperm donor. King Cold spent more time making excuses for the golden child, rather than admitting fault and getting it over with and clenching his teeth admitting fault.

He even had the audacity to mention his mother as a scapegoat for everything, labeling her as the mediator and even claimed she was a better parent than I was.

It shouldn't take her to threaten him with divorce and full custody of them for him to get his head on straight, and yet, instead of rectifying his poor decisions decided to bow out in a less than fortunate way?

Fuck no.

He will never forgive him. Salza watched as Cooler burnt the letter. And that day marked the day he stopped feeling sorry for himself. As Cooler placed the portrait back on the wall, He had heard the saying "People weren't born evil, they were simply made evil." which is what he believed to be the case for Frieza, but he always wondered. Was his brother doomed to have became the way he did even if he had an equal upbringing? His thoughts are interrupted when he heard the footsteps of Salza approach, he turned slightly to face him.

"My Lord," Salza said with a bow. "Your brother, Frieza has requested an audience with you."

An Audience?

They haven't spoke in years following their fathers death, and now he wants to speak?

"What for?" Cooler asked.

"He said, it was of great importance." Salza said.

"What could POSSIBLY be important enough for him to request my appearance?" Cooler asked, annoyed.

"M'lord, I am aware you have... issues regarding your brother, but... He said he has... Found a partner and wants you to meet your soon to be sister in law."

<Last Chapter >Next Chapter

[nofilterpolls]

*added by nofi since this wasn't an option on the original poll

[marshmellowtea]

i don't have a lot of thoughts on female chris bean yet which is surprising given how much i love to girlify my faves and the fact she's theoretically canon in some productions but i HAVE decided that she's convinced herself that she would've been better off as a man because then she could've been the son her father always wanted and her mother wouldn't resent her so much. meanwhile male!chris is convinced he'd be better off as a girl because then maybe his more feminine traits wouldn't be so offensive to his parents and they wouldn't resent him so much for them, but the thing is that they're both wrong, because there's no timeline where they possibly could've lived up to raymond and cecilia's expectations. their temperament and neurodivergency and queerness had doomed them from the start and they don't even realize it!

[schrijverr]

I Didn’t Mean to Say I Do, but I Do. I Do. 30

Chapter 30 out of 50

Secret marriage of convenience buddie slow burn AU, where Buck and Eddie have been married for years so Buck could adopt Chris and no one at the 118 knows.

In this chapter, at the hospital, the reality of Buck’s situation starts to sink in, leaving Eddie adrift and numb. What if he has to tell Chris papi will never come home? He spirals more and more while Buck is in surgery, trying to keep it together and as much of their normal in tact.

On AO3.

Ships: Buddie (slow burn)

Warnings: internalized misogyny, self loathing, injury, referenced near death experience

~~~

Chapter 30: Family of Evan Buckley

Eddie feels numb.

On the way to the hospital, Buck passed out, though he didn’t crash. Eddie supposes that is a good thing, but he can’t get the feeling of his slack hand out of his head. The way only Eddie was holding on when Chimney gently pried his finger’s off that limp hand so they could hand Buck over to the medical team that had been waiting for them.

At first he could distract himself with paperwork. With the way they came in, the hospital assumed he was closest to Buck and they aren’t wrong. So, he was handed the sign in papers and Eddie clutched them tightly before Hen or Chimney could take them from him.

He couldn’t let them fill them in wrong, because they don’t know Buck as well as he does, just because they think he can’t handle it. He needs this to be right, so he does it himself.

But now the paperwork is gone and Buck is done with his X-ray and in an operating room and Eddie is just sitting there. Numb.

Maddie comes rushing in and Eddie’s brain tells him he should get up, inform her of everything and be there to support her. Buck is her brother, he should be there for her. However, his body won’t move, staring at the ground with unseeing eyes.

Chimney does catch her, pulling her into a hug as he says: “He’s already in surgery, they took him for an X-ray immediately and they’re doing everything they can to fix him up. He was still responsive at the site and only passed out in the ambulance. He never crashed, Maddie. He got here stable, still is.”

“I’m so scared,” she sniffles. She only just has Buck back in her life. She’s only just free and happy, she can’t lose another brother. She can’t go through that again.

“I know, me too,” Chimney says as he rubs her back. “But he’s in great hands.”

He’s not wrong, the hospital is one of the best and Maddie knows the 118 would have ensured Buck got nothing but the best. But he’s just a face to the hospital and these people have all known him for only two years or less. She’s known him his entire life. So much can still go wrong.

“Who filled in his sign in paper work?” she asks, pulling back in a panic. What if they didn’t fill in something crucial and it gets Buck hurt more, or worse.

“Uh, Eddie,” Chimney answers, he sounds like he knows that doesn’t look great. And it doesn’t. She knows they’re best friends, but Eddie only just got here. He knows the least, why would they let him fill it in?

Maddie whips around to Eddie, ready to grill him about every little thing he wrote down. Before she can, however, she sees the state he’s in. He doesn’t look like Eddie at all, instead he is a shadow of the man she’s come to know, drawn into himself. Empty. Concerning and weird, and definitely doesn’t make her feel better.

She turns back to Chimney instead and demands: “I want to look it over. Right now.”

Chimney thankfully doesn’t comment or make a fuss, just talking to the nurse at the desk and coming back with what Eddie wrote down moments later. She all but snatches it out of his hand and quickly scans everything.

“This is very detailed,” she comments. “I didn’t know he was allergic to naproxen.”

“It’s mild.” Eddie’s voice startles them slightly, no one expecting him to speak at all, especially not with that alien, devoid tone.

“How did he learn that?” Maddie wonders, mind going to horrible scenarios of him being all alone with a fever and taking it in the hopes it would lower it, only for him to break out in a rash, throat closing, no one there to help him…

If Eddie was in the mood to share stories, he could tell her how Chris reacted weird to one of his meds and had to take an allergy test, but was scared, so Buck offered to take it with him. But Eddie isn’t in the mood to tell stories, too overwhelmed by the memory of the two of them side by side, patches on their arms, Buck making jokes to keep Chris distracted. How good that moment was, even when they were in a hospital. How he almost lost that. How he can still lose that. How Chris can lose that.

Without his permission, he chokes on a sob. A horrible wet noise that doesn’t stay behind his teeth, no matter how much he bites on his lip.

Maddie is giving back the paperwork with Chimney, but Hen and Bobby are still both right there, sharing a concerned look. It’s Bobby, who softly asks: “Eddie?”

“Chris,” he gasps. “How am I going to tell Chris?”

He clasps his hands over his mouth and squeezes his eyes closed, putting his face between his knees as if curling into a ball will mean the world will disappear and this all won’t be real anymore. He is shaking and he knows it, but he isn’t crying. He’s keeping it all in. Sucking it up. That’s all he can focus on right now.

An assuring, paternal hand comes on down on his back, jolting him slightly as he clenches his eyes closed harder to stop an embarrassing whimper from coming out at the comfort. Then Bobby speaks: “Hey, Chris is a strong kid. He’ll understand his friend can’t hang out with him for a bit. And Buck will be hanging out with the two of you again in no time. He’ll be okay.”

It’s not a secret that Buck is close with Chris. They try not to discuss him at work, because it’s a risk, but things slip through and telling them Buck is his buddy was the easiest. Eddie thinks the others have assumed he’s a single dad and Buck is doing it as a favor for him.

In a way they’re right, but they’re also so, so, so incredibly wrong.

Buck isn’t just Eddie’s best friend, who hangs out with Chris too on their free days because he’s nice. He’s his co-parent, the person he can look to when he doesn’t know what to do. The person Chris goes to when Eddie can’t be there or doesn’t know what to do.

He’s not Chris’s friend, who can’t hang out with him for a bit, he’s his papi. Eddie is going to have to explain that papi got hurt and might not come home soon. Or at all. He’s going to have to explain that to Chris and he’s going to have to do it alone.

“You don’t understand,” he says, trying to grasp at words that will convey how much this is not going to be okay. What words can communicate that he won’t be okay, because he’s only seven, almost eight, and his parents have been leaving or getting hurt relentlessly his entire life? Buck is hurt. His father is hurt. How can any of that be okay?

“We get it, he’s family. We’re all worried. I’m sure Denny will be saddened to hear about what happened to Buck too,” Hen says, comforting him.

“No-” Eddie starts, then cuts himself off, because if he says more, he’ll start crying. He can’t cry, especially not if they can see.

Maddie and Chimney return and Chimney worriedly asks: “Is he okay? What happened?”

“Did you hear something about Buck?” Maddie immediately asks too.

Eddie abruptly gets up, startling Bobby and Hen, who had both been comforting him. He’s in full parade mode, mechanically walking away without saying a word. The others call out his name and he’s pretty sure Hen starts to walk after him, but she’s stopped by Bobby, who tells her to let him go take a breath for a moment.

He pretends not to hear it. He doesn’t need to take a breath for a moment. He’s fine. He’s totally fine. He’s a Diaz. He’s a man. He doesn’t need to take a breath. He doesn’t need a moment.

He just also walks into the bathroom without seeing where he’s going and suddenly starts crying.

Fuck, Eddie doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. Yes, Buck is seriously hurt, but he saw him in the ambulance, he knows he has a high chance at making it through surgery, even if he might be permanently disabled by the attack. He’ll be fine. Why is he crying?

It’s just… they were doing their taxes only two days ago. That morning they’d been doing a familiar dance as Buck cooked breakfast while Chris complained about not being allowed a bouncy castle at his upcoming birthday party. Again. A few hours ago, they’d been joking around together as they looked for a maggot out of that girl’s face.

Buck is his best friend. He’s never had a friend like Buck before. He’s his partner. He’s in every crevice of Eddie’s life to the point where they’d literally have to get lawyers involved if they ever want get untangled.

He’s Eddie’s whole world next to Chris. He’s his family.

Hen said that he’s all their family, but it’s not the same for them. The 118 is family, but Buck is Eddie’s Karen. His Athena. His Maddie.

But Maddie is Buck’s family. His actual family. Buck might be a closed book about a lot of things, but Eddie has known him for long enough – known him deep enough – that he’s gotten some stories about his childhood. Maddie is the only actual family he has.

And here Eddie is, making it about himself.

Buck is hurt and Eddie can only think of himself. How hard it will be to explain to Chris, how he has to do it alone while Buck recovers. How much his suffering is different than that of the others, because he has allowed Buck to become his support pillar – to come into his life and clean up his messes – and now the thought of him not being there right beside him sounds like a nightmare.

Eddie is the worst friend. This is not his thing to dramatize. He has no claim on Buck, who is only his because – what was it Buck called it? – oh yes, a marriage of convenience based on very convoluted circumstances.

Back then he assured Buck it wasn’t like that, that they were family anyway, but that is a detail that slips his mind right now as he angrily wipes the tears away.

The tears continue to fall, which only makes his frustration grow, until he finds himself punching the wall with a loud yell.

He heaves a few deep breaths, tears still streaming silently down his face, balled hand against the wall. The pain helps him focus. It pulses through his hand and pulls his attention away from the tight ball of emotion that lives in his chest and tries to rip itself out of him through his chest.

After a few moments of standing there, breathing, he manages to stop the crying, to suck it up. He can’t look himself in the eye in the mirror, keeping his head down as he holds his bruised hand under the water, before viciously rubbing his face.

Eddie knows he probably still looks a mess, but he’s managed to push his emotions away again until he’s back in that numb place. He isn’t sure he can be there for Maddie like he should be if he were a better friend, a better husband, but he can at least sit with them all again and not make it about himself.

Tentatively he joins the others. They all perk up when they spot him, some of their faces becoming sympathetic when they can actually look at him. For a second, it seems like Hen is going to say something, but she decides against it much to Eddie’s relief.

Maddie, however, sends him a weird look again and shame floods through him. Averting his eyes from her, he slumps down in his chair and keeps quiet.

He pointedly doesn’t think of Buck being in surgery right now, he doesn’t think of having to tell Chris at some point, he doesn’t think of not having Buck there, and he doesn’t think of Maddie’s weird looks. He keeps himself comfortably empty, content to stay in denial like that until a doctor comes with good news, so he can leave this all behind him.

The doctor does not come with good news.

She comes their way directly without having to call out. Everyone has seen the news and it’s not like they’re inconspicuous in their firefighter uniforms, still grimy from the explosion. So, she walks up to them and gently checks: “Family of Evan Buckley?”

“Yes, that’s us,” Maddie immediately says, getting out of her chair without missing a beat. “You’re quick. Surgery takes longer. Why are you quick? Is he okay?”

Eddie has tensed up from the moment the words ‘family of Evan Buckley’ were spoken. He does not feel mentally ready for whatever is about to happen and it takes a lot of energy to stay in his numb safe space.

“He is okay,” the doctor says and they let out a collective breath. “We’re trying to reconstruct his leg, but the damage is more severe than the scans showed. It’s pretty risky to try and he’ll likely have permanent nerve damage and chronic pain for the rest of his life. And that is if there aren’t any complications later. It would be kinder to amputate.”

“Do it,” Maddie speaks without missing a beat. She has registered the words ‘permanent nerve damage’, ‘chronic pain’ and ‘complications’ and those are enough. She isn’t ready for that. She can’t watch another brother get stuck in a hospital over and over again with something that will never go away. She refuses.

However, Eddie has registered the exact same sentence and added up something very different to her. So, the words prickle at him as an indignation breaks through his numbness. “No, you can’t do that.”

“What?” Maddie scoffs, the others also giving him weird looks for butting on what everyone thinks is her decision to make.

And if it were anything else, Eddie would back off. She is Buck’s family and it should be her decision to make. However, she’s making a decision he’ll know Buck will hate and despite it being a fake marriage in a way, he’s still his husband and he’s not letting her come in and take something important to him. His vows said in sickness and in health and those still mean something to him anyway.

He shakes his head. “You can’t do that,” he repeats. “If you let them do that, he might not be able to be a firefighter anymore.”

“Who cares if he can’t be a firefighter anymore, he won’t be in pain. Or did you not hear that bit?” Maddie says harshly.

“You can always amputate later. It can be his choice, not yours. You’ll be deciding more than whether he’ll be in pain or not, which he still be if you amputate, but you’ll also be deciding he won’t be able to keep the life he has now anymore,” Eddie points out.

“He can find a different job,” Maddie informs him with blunt words.

“A job he’ll hate. He loves being a firefighter. It’s who he is,” Eddie argues.

“Yeah, I’m sure he loves it, but you don’t know Buck. He’s done a thousand different things before becoming a firefighter. I’m surprised he’s done it this long. He’ll find something new and he’ll love that,” Maddie tells him definitively. She turns back to the doctor and says: “Do it.”

Eddie sees red. He hates being condescended to, hates being made to feel as if he doesn’t know what’s best for his own family. He gets that enough and he’s sick of it. He has seen Buck work those other jobs, heard him talk about it all, he knows being a firefighter is different for him. He remembers seeing that spark in his eyes for the first time. That’s not something to take lightly.

Today has already been terrible, his emotions have been all over the place and this? This is the final straw. “Don’t do it,” he tells the doctor firmly, crossing his arms.

“What the hell is your problem?” Maddie yells. “My brother is hurt and going to be in pain for the rest of his life and for what? Because you want to keep your work partner? You can fucking work with someone else. You have family outside of him. I’m his sister, asshole.”

“Yeah and I’m his husband and if I say that leg is staying on, it’s staying on, Maddie,” Eddie explodes, not even realizing what he’s said until everyone falls deathly quiet.

It’s Chimney, who speaks up and breaks the silence first. “Uh, Eddie, I- I don’t think you can lie to the hospital about that just to get you way.”

The other start nodding with those jikes judgmental expressions on their faces. Eddie realizes they don’t believe him and that he now has a choice to make; let Maddie have her way and ensure they keep their jobs or put his foot down and let Buck keep his autonomy, the potential to have the job he loves, the ability to fight for his leg or decide to amputate anyway after he is informed by his own research binge.

It really isn’t a choice to make.

“I’m not fucking lying,” he grits, turning back to the doctor as he says: “I’m Edmundo Diaz – we didn’t take each other’s last names – I should be on the paperwork? I’ve been registered there since 2016, so everything should have been on there when we transferred the paperwork here.”

“Ah, yes, Mr. Diaz,” the doctor says after flipping through her chart. She looks relieved that someone has identified themselves as the next of kin and made a decision, so she can get away from all this. Eddie doesn’t blame her, he would also like to get away from whatever shit show is about to go down after this. “You don’t want us to amputate?”

“It will always be an option later, right?” he checks, because he needs to make sure.

“Yes, we can always amputate later. However, regardless of what he chooses, it’ll be a long recovery and complications can arise either way,” the doctor explains.

“Then, no, I don’t want to amputate. Please, try to save his leg,” Eddie says, voice cracking slightly at the end. Focusing on this is keeping the overwhelming emotions at bay for the moment, but that won’t last forever.

The doctor gives him a sympathetic smile. “We’ll try our best, Mr. Diaz. Don’t worry, your husband is in great hands.” She makes him sign something, before turning and walking back to the OR to pass along the news, leaving Eddie for the wolves.

“Buck’s the husband?” Maddie shrieks, coming to from the shock first, probably mixed in with the anger of not getting her get her way.

“You two are married?”

“2016? You two didn’t meet until last year!”

“I didn’t know you were gay.”

They’re all yelling at him and it’s not good for Eddie’s flayed open nerves. He’s been living with the anxiety of everyone finding out for nearly a year already and now the moment is here and he has to face it without back up. It suddenly seems incredibly daunting.

Bobby seems to notice his overwhelmed eyes and makes a gesture for everyone to calm down so they can interrogate him in peace. Hen and Chimney both notice and quiet down, backing down from being in his face. Maddie, however, does no such thing.

“A year. A year, I’ve hid your husband from everyone. I didn’t tell a soul. Not anyone, not Chimney, not my own fucking brother. And you never thought to inform me that it was, in fact, my brother you’re married to? That Abuela is my in-law? That Chris is my nephew?” she shouts at him, not caring about the looks they’re getting from the other people in the waiting room.

“You knew?” Chimney asks, sounding so incredibly confused.

“Well, apparently not,” Maddie huffs angrily. “Chris talked about his two dads when I stayed with Abuela, but none of them told me who the other dad was.”

Now all the eyes go back to Eddie, who feels himself shrinking under their gazes. The eyes demand answers and Eddie feels six again, standing in front of his papi, the wrecked car still in the yard, with no explanation that feels good enough.

“It was his call,” is what he finally manages. “We always agreed that when it came to family, you’d have the final say if it was yours.”

“Oh, so you’re saying my brother didn’t trust me to tell me he was married?” Maddie demands, the hurt underlining her anger clearly.

“No, no, he trusted you, he just- he didn’t want to put you through that,” Eddie quickly assures her.

“Through what? Knowing he was married to a man? He knows I don’t care.”

“And neither would we,” Hen adds, gesturing vaguely to herself.

“Because it’s not like that,” Eddie finally explodes again under the barrage of questions. “We’re not married like that. We’re not together! It was just convenient, okay? It was never meant to get this far, but one day we looked around and we- we-” he makes a frustrated noise, “we were just in too deep. No one could know. No one.”

It seems like the others don’t know what to do with the truth, much like Eddie himself does right now. He’s been keeping the secret for so long that he doesn’t know what to do when a spotlight is suddenly turned on him.

Tentatively Hen asks: “When you say, it isn’t like that, that you’re not actually together and it was just convenient, what do you mean with that?”

“Buck married me so he could adopt Chris,” Eddie admits shamefully. “He was already helping me take care of him, because I couldn’t do it alone, but he had to adopt him when I had to re-enlist so I could pay the medical bills. PT and surgeries, it- it adds up, you know. Then I got hurt and it was easier to stay married, recover while Buck’s insurance covered Chris. We planned on divorcing, but we just never got around to it.”

Bobby remembers the call with the baby in the pipe, the stolen firetruck and Buck’s insistence that he needed the job, the way he kept asking about insurance. Back then, it never fully made sense, but somehow this explanation isn’t much better.

Eddie clears his throat and quietly adds: “You don’t legally have to declare marital status to your employer, so we lied so we could work together.”

“HR will throw a fit when they find out, you know there are regulations in place for that for a reason,” Hen says, as if Eddie doesn’t realize that.

“I know,” Eddie says, voice small.

“We’re already under the loop after the bank robbery,” Bobby adds. “There might be serious repercussions for this. You two could loose your jobs.”

Miserably, Eddie again says: “I know.”

“What were you thinking? Why would you do that? Why would you make Buck do that? You know how he is, how far he’ll go for others. You already have him taking care of your child and now you have him lying and to his own family too? Do you have any idea what that can do to a person?” Maddie hisses angrily, her own feelings about Daniel coloring her words, though no one but her knows. Hypocrisy is another Buckley trait.

She doesn’t let Eddie respond to the verbal sucker punch, instead muttering: “I need to clear my head,” and storming off.

Chimney shoots him a ‘what the fuck is your problem’-look, then hurries after her.

Then it’s only him, Hen and Bobby. The numbness is now out of reach and he is forced to feel the gaping wound in his chest. The fear, the shame, the loneliness, the smallness. Everything. It’s a horrible feeling and he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

After a few counts, Bobby clears his throat, then says: “I need to call the department, get ahead of this, before it can implode.” It’s probably not meant as a reprimand, but Eddie can feel every speck of disappointment, all the ways in which he is making yet another life more difficult.

“I’m going to get everyone some coffee,” Hen says, her voice strange. She likely wants to get away from Eddie as soon as possible too, before he drags her down with him like he’s done with so many others already.

All alone, he stumbles out of the emergency room, letting the cool air of the night wash over him as he takes a deep breath.

Then he slides down the wall, sitting on the ground and pulling his knees up to his chest, head buried between his knees. He shouldn’t cry, not when he ruined it all himself. But Buck is still in surgery, it can still go wrong. And on top of it all, he still has to tell Chris

~~

A/N:

AHHHHH, this is very exciting. This whole fic spawned, because I wanted to write that waiting room fight and I was just ‘hm, how would I get there?’ and now, a 129k words later, here we are xp

Btw can you imagine being Maddie right now? With the info she has??? Like, she knows Eddie is married to a man, she knows no one knows, she knows Buck has a crush on Eddie, but has been discouraging it, because, hey, Eddie is married to a man and no one, including Buck, knows that, only to learn that Eddie is married to Buck. That Buck has a crush on his own fucking husband? In the middle of the hospital too. Wild.

Also also, yay everyone knows! Now it’s just a waiting game of how long it takes idiot 1 and idiot 2 to figure their shit out lmao

Sidenote: you can be an amputee and a firefighter, but I feel like they wouldn’t have known that

[armoralor]

if you’re choosing to support and standby someone who has made threats of violence & death, made light of rape, and called queer women pedophiles JUST because that person likes the same fictional ship as you- I hope you get better soon.

where is all that energy from a few weeks ago when people were condemning sapphics as alleged bullies? suddenly it’s okay to make actual death threats and be a white nationalist because you like the same cishet fictional couple. people were writing essays on their “mistreatment” at the hands of queer women last month, but those same people are STILL liking and commenting on the posts of incel men who OPENLY hate the LGBTQIA+ community.