#internal validation

[agirlwithglam]

Becoming a girlboss/ it girl 101:

— Social edition

1. Be unavailable, and inaccessible.

You do not need to be there at every moment, catering to every persons needs day and night. In fact you shouldn’t be doing that at all. It’s so icky and ew and very unitgirllike and ungirlbosslike. Do not do that.

Why? Because the more you do that, the more you you show people that they can use / abuse you any time they want and you’ll STILL be there for them! You can’t always be around people, helping people, there for people. You need to care for your own needs as well.

You need to maintain the balance in the relationship. Of course you should be there for them if they’re going through a tough time, but you also keep them wanting more by not being available.

So how do i do this? By being busy.

Keep your schedule locked and full so that if someone wants to hang out with you, they will need to do it as per your time and then this will result in them RESPECTING your time and energy.

That is how you be a girlboss. You’re not easy to get, and you’re even harder to forget.

2. Have standards

Links back to the first point. You should NOT be accessible to everyone, you should not be so “easy to get”.

HAVE STANDARDS FOR YOURSELF! Do NOT settle for just anyone just because you want someone in your life. Whether it’s a friend/ friend group, or a bf/gf. If they want to be/ hangout with you, they have to be WORTHY according to you. Like imagine not having standards in your life? Ew.

3. Academic validation >> male/ other validation. ALWAYS.

THIS! Is such an important point imo. You need to study if you want a future you want. You throwing away your life just for a couple boys to like you? Ew ew ew ewww. That is the most ickiest thing ever. Ew.

Your academics and school should ALWAYS come first!! ALWAYS.

*and also another thing is that when you stop being so desperate for boys/ people, they will be so much more attracted to you.

4. Don’t be desperate

Ew. Icky. Gross. Never appear desperate for anything. Look, it’s okay and perfectly alright to ask for help from people, but cmon. You cannot depend on others your whole life. Learn to be independent.

Being a #girlboss is knowing that you are all you need. Everyone else around you is simply a bonus, an “add on” to your life, if you will. So if they do not provide any value to your life, you can let them go because you don’t need them. (Adding value to your life doesnt just have to be helping you level up- it can also be someone who makes you laugh, makes you feel more special, listens to you, etc.)

“Love, but don’t depend.”

5. Privacy is power.

This this this! Privacy is definitely power. Learn more about others, talk about others, but don’t show off your personal life. Keep yourself private and secluded.

I dont mean be super super super mysterious so that people know nothing at all about you, but just know that you can have friendships without them knowing about your whole life.

Also, telling everyone about trauma/ bad times you’ve been through in your life? Don’t do that. Trust me girl, do NOT do that. Do not give anyone info about your personal life that they could spread or use against you. + you never know if people are going to stick around in your life.

[vizthedatum]

My clinician colleague (at Job 1) just told me that she appreciates how much I do and how my work is seen. And it was... so sweet. I don't know what to do with myself. I am just so touched.

(And it's not just her - my other colleague, who I meet with more regularly, always supports me. She's the only one at work who I told I started T, actually. And she teared up. I am lucky.)

--

I'm often hard on myself because I get really busy and overwhelmed by the chaos that academic life sometimes creates.

I am constantly juggling things. Sometimes, I'll have to take breaks during the day (or go to health appointments) and then stay up late, making up hours at night (I am lucky that my hours are flexible, honestly).

And... I know I let some colleagues down last year by not beiing able to commit to projects (this was before I filed for disability accommodations to get my project load down to a reasonable amount, and I genuinely think that even without my disability and the hard mental health stuff I was going through last year with my divorce... the project load is too much for ONE person. I often remark that I can understand why my predecessor was overwhelmed. (Besides, one of the colleagues I really really wanted to work with (who was super friendly to me)... he very neutrally and politely declined my help after I told him I was doing *work I cannot disclose but was entirely out of my job description* - and then he told my boss that he thought I was being too stretched out in multiple directions. What a king /gen))

It's not that I do bad work. I am very qualified, and I worked very hard to get all this knowledge. I worked SO HARD.

I'm proud of my work, and I know I help people.

I want the time, compensation, and physical/mental resources to do that good work.

I am learning how to advocate for myself as a professional better.

[247liveculture]

Learn the power of walking in purpose without seeking validation, and learn how to stay true to your calling even when external approval is lacking.

[sundropcass]

Need to find an innate sense of joy. That would fix me.

[expressionismeh]

I embody carefree most of the time and when I dont I do not feel like myself and I stray away from who I am.

Its more fun to stay true to yourself anyway

[inkskinned]

don't worry, they're joking! they're always joking when it would be something, like bigoted. because i'm not a bigot, obviously, i just vote for bigots - well, they're not bigots either, you can't really call someone a bigot just because they have religious views. this is the land of the free, and it's a christian nation, after all. you can pretend otherwise but let's just be real here; all our values are really based on the bible. anyway, i know you liberals get your panties in a twist - can i say that, or are you gonna cancel me, haha, #metoo - about every little joke he said and every little dramatic political view. oh, fascist this and fascist that. you are online too much, you love the word fascist because it's big and you're just paranoid about things.

well, no, i don't, like, read the policies. i have a life. and so what if they wrote - stop it, it's not a manifesto, okay? he eventually backed off from that - oh the vice president? who cares about that guy, that isn't real power. you're being dramatic, they're just spitballing. everyone makes big claims when they're out there campaigning. he just means he personally wouldn't get gay married. you want him to divorce his wife and get gay married? anyway, even if they cancelled gay marriage - it wouldn't happen, okay? nobody i know really cares about that - it'd be states-rights like those abortions you love so much. and you live in a blue state. you live in like the gay capital of the world. i don't know why it'd be so bad for you, you're borrowing trouble there.

and besides, you're missing the point of his campaign! you people want to be victims so bad you completely ignore what we're really voting for. there are tons of good things that happened because of his name and his policies - the economy, for one. oh stop, just because i can't tell you what a tariff is off the top of my head doesn't mean i don't have eyes. and stuff was better under him! well, yeah, anything good is his work, obviously. what? no, all the bad stuff was biden. and probably also obama. what do you even care about this, anyway? it's not going to effect you. it's four years.

oh my god, not the climate change argument again, i'm not getting into that. i don't care about it. if my house is beachfront that's great news for me. and we don't really know what's causing it. no, i saw you forwarded me those articles and i just laughed. what, do you think i have time to sit on my ass and read shit? huh? well, no, i like reading the babylon bee. they actually had a great article about all you climate freaks. and in the meantime, what do you want me to do? i'm not paying 4 dollars for gas. liberals love to talk about solutions but never pay for the solutions. what do you mean blocked because of congress. you gotta stop with the conspiracy shit.

no, my side doesn't have real conspiracy theories. the vaccine thing is a real thing. besides, you yourself don't like big pharma. just because i have an opinion, suddenly now you think big pharma is great? and this is serious, okay? your mom's friend's coworker has a kid that died from a heart event. i don't want you getting any more vaccines. i regret that you got them as a kid, i'd redo them. what do you mean you'd vaccinate your own kids? are you finally thinking of having some? you know i want grandkids - oh stop, i've never pressured you, i'm just saying that if you're going to get gay married, you might as well give me some normal grandkids to love.

stop, you know what i meant. what? no, he's not going to take away your right to adopt. besides, you could always use a sperm donor, haha, i know your high school ex would love to - jesus! okay! no need to snap. i'm just saying that you don't need to be married to have a kid. the only real benefit to marriage is taxes, haha. it won't change anything. oh my god, no, there won't be a rise in hate crimes. well, it's not his fault what people do in his name! he eventually spoke out against that, anyway.

what do you mean he supported them? i didn't hear him say that. oh. well, yeah, he said it, but like, he's clearly joking.

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[wistfulwatcher]

[befemininenow]

Trans lesbians are also valid. Happy Lesbian Day everyone!

Illustration done by the wonderful Pink-Horizons over at DeviantArt.

[chaotic-carnifex]

No hold on I'm gonna make an extra post about this:

I wouldn't choose to be alloromantic

If I were given the choice to either remain aro or become alloro again, I would choose aromanticism.

And I think a lot of people need to hear that.

[ibblescribbles]

TRASH 🚮 Speedpaint | Alt under cut:

[boimgfrog]

it's always "autism acceptance" until the autistic person is weird, or fat, or a man, or has poor hygiene, or a POC, or makes unfunny jokes, or isn't a cute feminine gay, or is actually bad at communicating, or needs to have things explained to them, or is too loud, or too quiet, or needs to be told something multiple times to understand it, or has mannerisms that make people stare at them, or, or, or, etc. if you would show patience to the cute autistic girl who collects plushies and stims by flapping her hands then you MUST show equal patience to the large autistic boy who stims by humming or hitting his head and worms underwater welding into every conversation. I am no longer asking. your acceptance cannot begin and end with people you deem palatable.

[not-so-superheroine]

Jesus is my older brother, not my dad.

other christians don't seem to feel the same?

am i missing something where he insists on such a thing except perhaps with actual little children?

[blushedfemmes]

btw in light of certain things if me calling myself a boy in any capacity while looking and dressing the way i do “triggers your dysphoria” you can go ahead and do us both a favor and unfollow! :) don’t let the door hit ya on the way out

[knifearo]

reminder to everyone that trauma IS a valid reason to use aspec labels. "i don't know if i'm aspec or just traumatized—" protip!!! you can be both!!!! the thing about labels is that they're not immutable states of being that you're born as. they're literally just words that we use to describe our lived experiences, and if asexual or aromantic or any related label feel relevant to the way that you experience attraction, whether it's a result of trauma or not, they're there for you to use. having trauma as a cause does not invalidate the fact that someone is experiencing lesser or no attraction. that's still the aspec experience babey. use the label if you want it's there for you <3