#indescribable part.

[czolgosz]

i have had another leon czolgosz dream, several in fact .. !!! a startling resurgance...

[egophiliac]

tsum events really are just the best, huh

[hhhhleb]

something you don't let yourself think about

pt1 pt2 pt3

[je-lurk]

The 2015-clickbait-style titles of every video are so

[miracletyrant]

spoilers for Malevolent episode 20 under the cut

man I found Malevolent and thought "oh what a cool concept" and boy oh boy did I not expect to find myself here, now, shocked senseless, listening to a man shedding the tears of an eldritch god as they comfort a dying animal together, telling her in her final moments that she is loved, so it can be the last thing she ever hears. why did no one warn me. why did no one

[uncanny-tranny]

I'm by no means recovered fully, but it genuinely feels so... freeing and exalting to be excited to eat, to look forward to a meal you're making. I can feel it changing my brain chemistry 💛

[aurosoul]

currently helping to design a gravestone… never have I so reverently arranged flower lineart

[desire-mona]

today was a good day and i am feeling love in my heart for the important people around me. i will be ordering sushi about this

[awfullybigwardrobe44]

Band leader at church: *tells me that he appreciates me, values me, that I am loved, that he sees the effort I’ve put in, that he wants to get to know me more*

Me: *feels good for a few hours*

Me: *has in-person interaction with him and the worship leader tonight*

Me, hours later: they hate me. They both can’t stand me. Whatever he said this morning, he doesn’t feel it anymore. He thinks I’m weird. He thinks I’m annoying as heck and doesn’t want to be around me. They are both annoyed at me and I took up a disrespectful amount of his time last night and he thinks I’m rude and entitled.

[crispyjenkins]

i drive myself absolutely bananas, because the writing i'm most proud of? that i love even more than anything i've done for star wars (except maybe dha kar'ta) or any other fandom i've posted for in the decade and a half i've been writing? that i want to share more than anything? unfinished witcher fics. over 80,000 words spread over a few stories, not including the thousands of words of the quick notes/ideas i have for even more stories and i love them so much. but if i post them before they're finished i'm never gonna finish them, or at least that's what it feels like. i haven't worked on any of them in months, but have put dozens and dozens of hours into plotting and timeline-ing and researching. i want to share them and brag about them and collaborate on them, but also like. i'm definitely a star wars blogger. i follow like three witcher blogs and none of them are active anymore, and i don't particularly want to make a witcher blog. and the unfinished stories on my ao3 already give me so much anxiety

but it also just leaves me sittin here on my own vibrating out of my skin with no outlet

[heatheniousmaterials]

In case anyone is wondering how it's going in California...

[fluffs-n-stuffs]

silly vampire costumes and their added benefits™️ (directly based on this)

[baphometsgirlcock]

ive rambled about this to my friends but i do genuinely find it so funny that dunmesh just randomly is like "by the way this woman has a penis now" as a throwaway detail. her brother has a one-panel crisis in the general vicinity of her newfound anatomy (which is played off more as a joke about him not being ready to have nieces / nephews tbh), and then it never comes up again. falin just Obtains A Dick and there are 0 narrative consequences. there is one panel of fridge humor and then nada. the most casual possible phalloplasty.

Which is fun enough on its own but also. it's a dragon cock. like. she didn't just get a dick, she got like The Dick Of Legend. truly a pioneer in fantasy furry transhumanism.

[tanicus-caesareth]

guarana drama, damage control

[pookachuka]

Twin!!! Where have you been!!

[kikizoshi]

I came across the realisation that Nikolai's motivation to kill Fyodor, as we understand it now, isn't compelling. I think that's my biggest issue with him. There are all these fanfics about it, and yet the one I've read where Fyodor's death is compelling, Nikolai hasn't ever even thought of killing him and doesn't want him to die (and yes, I'm including my fics with Fyodor's death in the "not compelling" category).

So, I tried to reframe it, taking some of my current experiences and what I know about Gogol, and I think I may have figured something out: Nikolai's core motivation right now could be to escape from reality.

This could be foreshadowed earlier on with things like a distaste for factually accurate (read: dull) stories, a love for acting and exaggerated impressions, and an aversion to talking issues out in his personal relationships.

But now it's worse, and has grown to an extent where he can't stand anything--he just wants to escape everything, but he can't. (This change would be brought about by some sort of terrible or tragic event--something that makes all his flawed coping mechanisms collapse entirely in a way they never have before. In my story, it's Fyodor disappearing and Nikolai finally giving up hope that he still lived. Anything awful enough would probably work, but I think a lot of care needs to be put into exactly what is the thing that pushes Nikolai over the edge--it says a lot about what he values.)

I visualise his wanting to escape reality with Stanzcyk (the Polish painting). Nikolai is the jester, but desperately wishes he could be carefree like the celebrating nobles in the background. But he can't. No matter what, no matter how he tries, he can't escape reality, and so he does the next best thing: he does the unthinkable. He becomes what any normal person can't even fathom, does what any sane man couldn't, and desperately tries to lose himself in it. (In my story, this is a worse version of what's already occurred: a few years ago, Nikolai became an actor in hopes of losing his misery to the stage, but when that failed and he became suicidal, Fyodor helped him pull through. Now, Nikolai tries to lose himself in a much more involved and self-destructive way (notably still through acting), and Fyodor, though much more negatively now, is still the force that's keeping him alive.)

At first, he may have even deluded himself into thinking he'd somewhat succeeded in losing himself, but then Fyodor makes his "in opposition to God" comment, and Nikolai is at once violently dragged back into himself. It's a wonderful feeling to be understood, yet terrible, because as long as such an anchor exists, he can never escape (bonus points if in a backstory fic, Fyodor being Nikolai's anchor to reality was a positive in their relationship, creating a contrast here).

And so now, every time he thinks about wanting to share a thought or idea with Fyodor, the only person with whom he can genuinely converse, he first gets a nice feeling at the thought, then falls into despair at the thought of losing that connection (Fyodor is constantly putting himself in mortal danger, and as much as Nikolai believes in him, it also makes sense to me that he'd be worried out of his mind at times), anger that his emotions still control him, and this reinforces his feelings of needing to escape. It's a constant merry-go-round of love and misery, and he just wants to be on stable ground, essentially.

And I think if I do that, it starts to be compelling. It's not quite there, let alone polished, but it's a lot farther than I've gotten before. And 'Arcane' story analyses are really helping me with contrast, callbacks and foreshadowing.