#i remember after the doctor thing i thought to myself Wait. That never happened!! and intentionally changed the detail

[tristantzara]

i have had another leon czolgosz dream, several in fact .. !!! a startling resurgance...

[lvlyghost]

The Things I Never Said: Part 2

Pairings: Simon "Ghost" Riley x F!Reader

Summary: upon learning about your pregnancy simon thinks there are things he needs to take care of.

Word Count: 1.2k

Tw: Angst, fluff, hurt with a lot of comfort, banter. The task force is there for you💞 i think that's it✨

A/N: here it is, i never planned a second part so forgive me if it's not as good! Still hope you like it. Already working on a request that's similar to this one🐸✨ thank you so much for all the support. Reblogs and comments are appreciated! Remember english isn't my first language, corrections are welcome🩵

Masterlist✨ | Part 1 | Part 3

Simon pulls you closer to his body, one arm draped over your form and hand resting on your stomach. The storm is raging outside, the thunder startles you every five minutes. You stay there in complete silence as the realization of this whole thing settles in your minds. He wants you to be safe now more than ever that's why when he's reliving the events of the day it hits him. He had thought the worst, that you were abandoning him, that you got tired of him. Simon would never say this to you but losing you would be the end of him. Enraged and with his heart racing he had hopped on his motorcycle. The soft caressing of his fingers stops abruptly, body going rigid behind you. You turn your face in worry.

"Simon?" You call him. You were beginning to fall asleep. "What is it?"

"That fuckin' muppet." He snarls. "I was so caught up in you leaving that I'd forgotten he hit you. That cunt... fucking Christ." He sits. "Let me see." He lifts your shirt just above your belly with gentle hands.

"Love, I'm... it's fine." Simon sucks in a sharp breath as his eyes land on the bruised area of your skin.

"What did the doctor say?" He demands, eyes somber.

"She said i should stay in bed for a few days and to not lift heavy things or you know just... overwork myself."

Simon rubs his eyes with the heel of his hands, disgruntled.

"This is on me... my bloody fault"

"Hey, stop now." You stand up, coming to a sitting position to mirror his stance. "You didn't know." Soft hands fall on both sides of his face. "I should've told you before this happened, if anything this is on me."

"If something happened to you i would never forgive myself, kid. Lie down. You need to rest. I'll be here when you wake up."

-

Simon's been waiting for this day since the incident. You're still at home, recovering from what could've ended with you in a hospital bed and a broken heart.

"You sure about this, Sir?" Gaz asks, worried about what might happen. "It's just training right?"

"Just training." Simon's eyes are set on that bastard. Craning his neck he steps on the sparring mat. As much as he wanted to go find him and kill him he couldn't do such thing. But after the images that flooded his mind made him realize how dangerous it had been. What could potentially have happened the rage within him is boiling his blood. And now he needs somebody to pay the price. Choices have consequences and he nearly had a painful one. If he had insisted just more...

Breathing harshly he looks him in the eye. Poor muppet doesn't know what's coming for him. He stands there confidently, thinking he has a chance against Ghost. Not Simon, the man only she gets the chance to see.

This is Ghost about to fight.

-

For some reason you decided to stop by the local pastry shop and bring something for the task force. You're feeling much better so that's why you're walking down the corridor of the military compound. With a shirt that's nearly too oversized a pair of combat boots and a cap. You figured you could have these outside of the base and enjoy a nice day with your teammates. You missed them already. Since Simon had been reluctant to leave your side, and you loved it that's for sure, but he wouldn't let you do much as simple tasks like washing the dishes or doing the laundry.

Walking past the doors you're greeted with loud cheering and yelling at the two men in the middle of the mat. Your smile quivers until you process the scene in front of you. Not surprised, not worried. He's gonna be just fine. The other poor boy... Price is the first to notice you, approaching you in three long strides. He had decided to stop by and watch, that's how they sort things out.

"Here, let me help you with that." He takes most of the desserts from your hands, scrutinizing your features with slight concern. Your eyes glued to Simon's hulking body. "I'm gonna assume he doesn't know you're here. Shouldn't you be resting?"

"I'm not on duty, Captain."

"I'm not asking as your Captain but as a friend."

You turn to face him with the ghost of a smile on your lips.

"I'm feeling better so I wanted to see you all, maybe we could have these together as soon as Simon is done with his personal grudge."

Price chuckles. Reluctant to see the rest of the fight, you keep talking to John until it comes to an end. More cheers and clapping echoing around the place. You take a quick glance and get a glimpse of the younger soldier limping while he plops down on a near bench, his teammates gathered around him holding a towel out for him to clean up his face. Footsteps approach you and Price, Simon's frowning behind the mask you can tell by the way the corner of his eyes wrinkle.

"Hey little lady!" Soap greets you with a big smile, hugging you tightly. "Heard you got all knocked up!"

"For fucks sake, Johnny!" Gaz scolds him. "Have some more respect for the girl."

Johnny rolls his eyes feigning annoyance letting Kyle hug you too.

"Don't bet mad at him. We all know why he had to do it." He whispers before pulling away.

When Simon joins you, you're aware of what's coming.

"You're out of bed." He points out, blankly.

"It's been almost a week. As long as I don't lift heavy things I'll be alright. Remember?" You speak back. You reach out for his hand and intertwine your fingers with his. The rest of the team silently walks away to the outside giving you some privacy. Simon studies you, all of you. There's a spark of worry in his blue eyes that you don't like. "Don't worry about me anymore."

He pulls you closer, arms wrapping around your shoulders as he inhales deeply.

"Is that my shirt, doll?" He asks in a hushed tone. You chuckle, burying your face in his chest.

"I missed you, and it smells like you." Simon prompts you softly to start walking outside and join the rest. "You're not hurt, are you?" You stare up at him.

"Don't you worry about me, he wasn't able to land one single hit, love."

You pull him down kissing over the black balaclava where his lips would be.

"I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for not telling you Simon." You sigh.

"I understand now why you didn't, kid. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself for not making you feel safe enough to tell me. If anything I'm to blame."

"Is there any chance I may touch your belly?" Soap asks as soon as you sit down next to him.

"Yes." You reply with a wide smile.

"No." Simon growls at the same time.

"Jesus! I suppose that naming the child after me is also off the table?"

"Absolutely."

A round of laughs echoing around and along the backyard. Your eyes scanning every person gathered in this very moment. Loyalty, admiration, respect and love.

A family of your own that would soon get a new addition.

"What if it's a beautiful girl?" Gaz interrogates.

Everyone goes silent.

"Fucking hell." Simon whispers.

He's fucked.

[callistocalavarni]

The menstrual cycle and letting go

my thoughts and confessions about how periods relates to shifting; nothing is fact

The gel began to warm up against my skin, the blanket covering my chest shielded me from the man giving me the ultrasound. The stick poked at my side, under my breast and then the place where my spleen should have been; I wasn’t born with one. This happens a lot when you come out with a heart defect. The nurse wasn’t looking for a baby but for the beats of my own heart. He sounded embarrassed whenever he told me to move positions or when he left the room, so I could change into a gown. His nature reminded me of when I was in middle school and a boy would agonizingly ask me out because of a dare. After it was done, I peeled the stickers off my body, wiped the gel away, got dressed, and made my way to the room where I was supposed to wait for my doctor. Like usual, the wait was longer than the interaction. She told me everything looked fine, I was healthy, and asked if I was getting regular exercise. After a monotonous conversation about figure skating, my mother's voice chimed in, asking about an IUD.

 Several months ago, I was debating getting one to prevent my period. I get very emotional during my period; it’s all very painful. I scripted them to be very light in my realities, so I wouldn’t have to deal with the tough parts. I was wondering why I still wanted to keep it; I notice many don’t. But I noticed that all my life my view on bleeding was that of a burden. I laughed alongside other women who cursed Eve's name, I groaned with my mother whenever she was on hers, and I never considered the reasons for tracking it. I never looked at it in any positive way.

A month or two ago, the feelings it brought were so heavy the moment I stood, I felt every emotion that I had been burying in me the days prior release from my thighs; I was so sore, like I would crumble. I lay down and cried. Then I started to notice that when I bleed I could feel all the things I’ve held onto leave my body, physically and emotionally. It’s when I noticed this I stopped being shameful of my period and started welcoming it.  Tiny rant: I realized I had a negative view of my period because of the many men who deemed it as sinful and disgusting; something that women should be ashamed of. I didn’t even realize this, and this is coming from someone who regularly deconstructs societal norms; that's how ingrained it was in my mind..sigh 

Before I started regularly shifting, I often held grudges. I never let go of anything anybody ever did to me; good or bad. Now I am not saying that you won’t shift if you do this; I am talking about myself personally. I had heard of the term letting go here and there. In the title of posts I liked to bookmark for later but never actually read, and in Reddit posts about how it changed the way they view shifting. But I never really understood what they were talking about. I had read about this girl who used her dreams to discover her blockages and such, but I didn’t have any intention of working on that. Because frankly, I didn’t think I had any. Ironically, that night I had two dreams about two people wronging me. 

One dream was with my biological father, he was very abusive. After his yelling and hitting, I ran away, climbed a highway wall and ended up walking along a dried-out river taking photos along the way. At the end of the dream, I was talking with my mom in the car. 

The other dream was with my stepfather. My mother was ignoring me and dismissing the fight. In this dream, I acted like a child alongside him. I was screaming like a toddler, throwing a fit because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. I don’t even remember what we were fighting about. But I had woken up from that dream realizing that they only mattered if I had put my energy into them. The problem was fixed when I didn’t pay mind to it, but it remained when I engaged with it. That's when I got it. Letting go isn’t about forcing yourself to forget–it’s about not engaging. I used to have an opinion on these things, but now they’re just people I once knew. When a thought about them pops up, I don’t fight it or feed into it. I just let it come and go. For me, letting go is refusing to dwell on shit that doesn’t matter. You’re choosing to step into a new reality, so why waste energy on one that doesn't serve you? 

It seems to relate, if you think about it in a poetic way. The moment I started understanding what was happening to me during my period, I also understood how my emotions were holding me back. It’s that stage of letting the emotions flow out and then be done with it. Be with them and let them go on their way. I see my period differently than before. I sat on the couch with my mom, it was early, we were the only ones awake. It was when she was talking about how her period came early I interrupted saying I changed my mind; I don’t want an IUD.  It’s natural, my body lives by the phases it produces so why would I want to stop it? Now, I felt that stopping it would do more harm than good, like I wouldn’t have the chance to let go of anything. That all of my burdens would be stuck in my thighs feasting on my legs refusing to let me walk. My grudges that stayed in place long before those two dreams prevented me from the best outcome in this reality. When I started putting my energy into better things instead of past events I received an apology and finally parted ways with another. 

Whenever I have a negative or positive thought about past grievances I don’t fight or feed into it, I let it come and move on. Don't dwell.

[roosterforme]

Always Ever Only You Part 30 | Rooster x Reader

Summary: Bradley's excitement over the first set of ultrasound photos is unparalleled. He has never been so happy and so overwhelmed in his life, but at times he feels ill equipped to process everything that's happening. And the last thing he wants is to make you feel like he's growing tired of you.

Warnings: Swearing, smut, pregnancy topics, doctors, angst, fluff

Length: 6600 words

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Female Reader

This was written to accompany my series Is It Working For You? along with a bunch of my one-shots and other series, but it can be read on its own! Check my masterlist for the reading order. Always Ever Only You masterlist. Gorgeous banner by @mak-32

Bradley wanted to be able to explain it to you, but he wasn't really sure he could. Sitting in the waiting room with you and anticipating an ultrasound to see the baby was honestly more than he ever thought he could have. You were more than he ever thought he deserved, and you wanted him anyway. But a baby? 

He barely had a baseline to build off of. His dad died when he was young enough that he only had a handful of fleeting memories. The sound of a laugh. Two big hands lifting him up when he fell. A lullaby sung softly as he drifted off to sleep. Besides the photos that you and he collected from his storage unit and the stories his mom recounted when he was younger, that's all he had.

But he could practically hear his mom telling him how excited Nick Bradshaw was to be a dad. Bradley could remember the joy in her voice whenever she told him about the way she would catch father and son goofing off together. She was adamant that Bradley cried almost nonstop the first day his dad was gone for a deployment. And now Bradley desperately wished he could remember these little details that made up their relationship. Because soon, god willing, he was going to be on the other side of things: the parent who loves goofing off and singing, but who also gets deployed and causes tears to fall.

It was all too overwhelming for him to put into words, but as he laced his fingers with yours, he knew he didn't have to figure out how to do everything all at once. 

"Are you nervous?" you asked.

Bradley looked at your open expression and immediately felt better. Talking through things and sharing his thoughts was the best way to keep from driving himself crazy while also letting you know how important you were. "Excited," he replied, kissing your cheek and ear. "Just really fucking excited. I've been thinking... about starting a notebook. Kind of for the baby? Like how sometimes I like to write down what I'm thinking and feeling for myself."

He still felt silly at times for sharing the notebooks with you, but you nodded with a little smile on your lips. "I love your deployment notebooks. I love what you wrote about me."

He reached for you and kissed you without hesitation. "I think I want the baby to be able to read about how much I was looking forward to meeting them. When they're older, I mean. They can read about how I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest right now. And how I can't wait to hold them and give them a name. All about how much I love their mom."

Bradley let you bury your face against his neck. It didn't feel like you were hiding from him so much as giving him a taste of the kind of response he'd get if the two of you were alone. "I like that idea." You kissed the side of his neck and said, "I adore you, Roo. You'll be the best daddy."

Bradley almost laughed when you jolted in your seat after the nurse called your name. "Come on back, you two," she said with a smile. "Hopefully mom and dad can leave with some new family photos."

"Holy shit," Bradley replied, palms suddenly sweaty. Baby photos. He was on his feet in an instant, ready to go. And maybe this was what his dad felt like. Perhaps his parents didn't know what they were doing either, but rather they just counted themselves lucky to go along for the ride. He wished one of them had left him a notebook.

You were smiling up at him as he reached for your hand again, and your fingers felt sure and steady all wrapped up with his. "I'm excited, too," you whispered, answering your own question from earlier while he ran his thumb along your rings. "And maybe a little nervous."

"I'm right here," he promised as the two of you followed the nurse into a room filled with equipment. "I'm not going anywhere."

He kissed you and then begrudgingly let go of your hand when the nurse gave you a hospital gown to change into. As she left the room with the promise that your doctor would be in shortly, Bradley dragged his palms across his khaki covered thighs as he sat down and watched you change. Even though you were suffering from near constant nausea, he thought you looked incredible. Your face was glowing, and you kept looking at him with adoration in your eyes. 

"Jesus," he grunted when you removed your bra. Was it possible that today he was the hornier one for once? "Sweetheart. Your tits," he whispered as he ran a hand over his face while you giggled. "Unreal." Then your underwear went sliding down your legs, and he reached down to help you out of them. "Hand me the gown," he told you as he folded your underwear across his knee.

You slipped into the gown when he held it open for you, and then you stood between his legs while he secured the ties and kissed you through the fabric. Your laughter filled the small room, and when the doctor walked in, she found you sitting on Bradley's lap while he ran his knuckles gently across your belly. 

"I'm Dr. Morris," she said, shaking hands with you as you stood and then reaching for Bradley's. "I love it when partners show up for appointments, too. It's a lot more fun."

He watched Dr. Morris help you up onto the table, immediately missing your warm body next to his. "I plan on being here for every appointment unless I'm deployed." Your smile faltered a little bit at his words, so he added, "And even then, I'd steal a jet and fly in for a few hours. This is that important to me."

Your smile was restored and then some. Bradley scooted the chair a little closer when you reached for his hand as Dr. Morris started to ask you some questions and enter them into the software. "Do you recall when you last menstruated? I'd like to calculate a due date assuming we find a healthy fetus."

Once you told her the date of your last period, Bradley blurted out, "Why wouldn't it be healthy?"

Now he had two pairs of eyes on him as you squeezed his sweaty hand. "It's very early," Dr. Morris said. "Complications are more likely to occur in the first trimester than in the second or third. And your wife is just between seven and eight weeks along based on her cycle."

"Oh," Bradley said, swallowing hard. You'd tried to tell him all of this information before, letting him know it was too early to inform your parents or Nat or any of your other friends. But it felt somehow wrong coming from someone else. He didn't like this information when it was laid out before him in the exam room. 

"It's okay, Roo," you told him, a sweet smile still on your face. So he nodded and watched your lips and the curve of your cheek as you answered a few more questions and asked about prenatal vitamins.

Then eventually Dr. Morris said the only words Bradley really wanted to hear right now. "Let's see what we can find with the ultrasound."

He was sitting on the edge of his seat, elbow leaning on the exam table as he gripped your hand for dear life. As excited as he'd been, now he was on the verge of being sick. What if he'd been too rough with you in bed? What if the football at the beach really did hit you in the wrong spot? What if all of the vomiting had been worse than either of you considered?

One thing was for certain. Bradley was going to love you no matter what, until his dying day. So he held onto your hand and kissed your knuckles as Dr. Morris squeezed lube onto a wand that looked a bit like one of the vibrators you had at home. "Is that for the ultrasound?" he asked, watching you spread your legs wider. 

"Yes," the doctor replied, and a huge computer monitor lit up. "We need to get really up close at this stage to be able to see anything, so we're doing a transvaginal ultrasound today. The ones you're thinking of that use a paddle on the belly will come later."

"Right," he replied, and as soon as she slipped the wand inside you, he watched you purse your lips in slight discomfort. "You okay, Sweetheart?" he whispered, eyes glued to your face for any sign of pain. But your pinched expression melted away, and your lips parted softly as you sighed and stared at the computer monitor. 

"Oh. Oh, Bradley! Look!"

When he turned toward the screen, he slowly stood as you pulled his hand closer to your body and held it with both of yours. Everything looked a little fuzzy at first, just some gray and black shapes. But then a cute little bean started to take shape as Dr. Morris adjusted the wand, and Bradley rasped, "Is that the baby?"

"Yes," she replied evenly, also watching the monitor. "And everything looks great."

Warmth spread through his entire body as Bradley huffed out a laugh while you giggled. He wasn't sure if his hand was shaking or if it was yours, but he leaned down and kissed your wrists before finding your lips with his. "That's our baby," he whispered, kissing you once more.

"It's adorable," you said, smiling nonstop. "Like a little bean, or a chicken nugget."

Bradley leaned on the table, keeping as close to you as he could. "I'm already so in love." He could feel tears in his eyes as Dr. Morris froze the screen. "Is it over?" he asked in a slight panic. In all honesty, he could happily spend the rest of the day right here with you and the baby, and he wasn't prepared to say goodbye yet.

"Just capturing some images," she reassured him. "Baby's first picture."

"Oh my god," Bradley groaned softly, and you ran your fingers through his hair as he ducked his head against your shoulder. "That's the first picture, Baby Girl."

"The baby looks just like you, Roo," you told him with a laugh, and he kissed you until the doctor cleared her throat.

"Let's see what we can find if we zoom in a little more."

With rapt attention once again, Bradley stared at the screen. It looked like the baby was bouncing around a bit, wiggling to an unknown song. "Is that movement good?" he asked. "And what's that little flickering spot?"

"Very good," she replied. "And the flickering is the heartbeat."

"The heartbeat?" That was inexplicably what threw him over the edge as a tear managed to squeeze its way down his cheek when he blinked. "Holy shit."

He just let his head rest against your chest and basked in the feel of your fingers in his hair as you whispered, "I love you." Bradley had no idea if you were talking to him or the baby. Or maybe both. Or maybe you loved Dr. Morris, because in this moment he certainly did as she snapped more photos. Maybe you loved everything right now just like he did.

"I love you, too."

--------------------------

Bradley was falling apart as you ran your fingertips along his scarred cheek. Or perhaps he was completely keeping it together. You weren't really sure. He had some tears in his eyes even though he was smiling, and the two of you were holding onto each other. 

"Do you want to listen to the heartbeat as well?" Dr. Morris asked, and the two of you responded at the same time. 

"Yes!"

She laughed and adjusted the ultrasound wand inside you which was actually extremely uncomfortable, but you were starting to think Bradley would cry harder when she removed it. And then you heard it. Dr. Morris adjusted something on the control panel, and set a device on your belly, and you could hear the heartbeat. 

"Why is it so fast?" Bradley asked, squeezing your hand. "That's like really fast."

Now your heartbeat was picking up, but Dr. Morris said, "One hundred and fifty two beats per minute. That's perfectly where it should be."

"Oh, okay," Bradley sighed, eyes transfixed on the monitor. "That's good then. That's a strong Bradshaw heartbeat right there. Can you take another picture? The nugget looks really cute like that."

You laughed and reached for him when she eventually shut off the equipment and removed the wand. At Bradley's request, she printed out enough copies of each image that you'd be able to give them to your parents, all of your friends and even Bradley's cousin Brenda in Virginia. 

"This seems like overkill," you whispered as the printer just kept going and going.

"It's not," he promised. "I need all of them to wallpaper my locker and fill my helmet bag. Just a bunch of pictures of you and now the baby, too."

"We'll get more ultrasound photos at the next appointment. And the next one after that," you reminded him. 

"Good. We'll have enough to wallpaper at home, too." Eased himself back down into the chair as you sat up a little bit while Dr. Morris cleaned up her workstation. 

"When is the due date?" you asked suddenly. 

"March 24th," she replied, and you and Bradley shared a smile. "Do either of you have any other questions for me?" she asked as she handed a massive stack of ultrasound photos to your husband who looked like he just won the lottery. 

"When can we find out if it's a girl or a boy?" he asked, looking through the images with a crooked little grin on his face. 

"In the second trimester," she assured him. "You'll make a special appointment for an anatomy scan."

You cleared your throat and said, "So... I've been really quite... I'm sure it's the hormones and everything, but I've been extremely aroused for the past few weeks." Bradley gave you a wide eyed look as you asked, "Basically, I want my husband around the clock right now, and I want to know if that's normal?"

He let out a strangled choking sound, and his cheeks started to flush pink as Dr. Morris said, "That's totally normal. Have at it."

You pressed your lips together before you quickly asked, "And rough is okay? Like pretty rough."

"Yep," she replied, completely unfazed by your words as Bradley looked like he wanted to run out of the room with his stack of baby pictures. "Anything else?"

A smile crept to your lips, one that Bradley would have probably found alarming if he were looking anywhere else except the door at the moment. "Actually, yes. I do have one more question for you, Dr. Morris. Based on the size of the baby and the date of my last period, can you tell me when you think the baby was conceived?"

"Sure," she replied, turning the monitor back on and scrolling through all of the information in your electronic file. 

"You did not just ask her that," Bradley whispered, his voice deep with annoyance and maybe a little bit of desire as you grinned at him and bit your lip. 

"I would say you probably conceived right around June 27th."

You squealed with delight as Bradley groaned. "Thank you so much, Dr. Morris. We'll see you again in a few weeks."

When she left the room, you hopped off the table and started to untie your gown, pausing to pump your fist in the air while Bradley held his forehead in his hand. "Okay, okay. You win," he whined as he laughed. "You win."

"I told you the baby was conceived in the Honda!"

---------------------------

Later that night, Bradley kept reminding himself that Dr. Morris said rough sex was okay. That seemed to be the only way you wanted it as you got on all fours on the bed and said, "Fuck me hard, Daddy." And Bradley was never going to be one to deny his wife anything she asked for. 

Beads of sweat were rolling down his face, occasionally dripping onto your back as he leaned over you. He was panting next to your ear as he went as hard as he could, fucking you until your knees buckled and he had to hold you up. "You know, I used to have a wife who liked it sweet sometimes. I wonder what happened to her?"

"You knocked her up," you gasped as he rubbed your clit with his fingers. 

Fuck, he was getting close, and your words were not helping in the least. "Come on, Baby Girl. Come for Daddy." 

A few more swipes of his fingers and a little more dirty talk, and you were coming. Holy hell, you were coming hard, which was a good thing, because Bradley needed a break. You released an unholy moan as your legs gave out again, and this time, he let you sink down to the bed as he grabbed his cock in time to come all over your ass and your back. 

"Roo," you gasped as he painted you up, and you met his eyes over your shoulder. "That's so fucking hot!"

"I'm glad you think so," he grunted before he sprawled out on the bed next to you on his back. "I got nothing left in the tank, Sweetheart. Do not ask me for more tonight."

You crawled over to kiss his sweaty face and whispered, "You did so good," as you patted his abs adoringly. "You're already the world's best Daddy." Then you leaned down and cleaned his cum from the head of his cock with your tongue, and Bradley moaned as you climbed out of bed. "I'm going to shower and get ready for bed."

He raised his hand in a wave or surrender, he wasn't quite sure which. Forty-five minutes of nailing you until you screamed his name was the most intense workout he'd had in weeks. He needed to hit his home gym in the garage a little harder. Maybe he could invite Jake over to lift weights with him, and then he could sneak away and take a nap while you and Jake had one of your gossip sessions. That actually sounded pretty great.

Bradley managed to get out of bed long enough to let Tramp out and brush his teeth. By that point, you were getting out of the shower and drying yourself off,  humming and sighing softly. 

"I know what you're trying to do," he said with his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. "And it's not gonna work."

You looked at him with one eyebrow raised as you ran the towel across your chest. "I'm sorry. What exactly am I trying to do that's not going to work?"

He spit out his toothpaste and rinsed his mouth, sending a glare at you in the mirror. "Look at your fucking tits, Sweetheart. Now you're just flaunting them."

"I'm literally just standing here."

He shook his head and kissed your forehead as he walked past. "You know what you did."

When you slipped in bed next to him, he pulled you close while you laughed softly. You were wearing nothing except for his old UVA shirt, and when you curled up next to him, he pushed you gently onto your back. Then he yanked the shirt up and shimmied under the covers so his lips were next to your tummy. 

He kissed up and down your side before laying with his cheek on your hip and one hand on your belly. "Listen kid, I don't know what you're doing in there, but I need you to chill, okay? Someday soon, you'll get to see how pretty and perfect your mommy is. Yes, I think about her all day long. Yes, I love her, but I can only take so much. Your old man is an old man."

You lifted up the covers, and Bradley felt your fingers in his hair. "No, you're not."

He kissed the spot just below your belly button before returning to his pillow. "I'll be close to thirty-eight when this little nugget arrives."

"That's not old."

When you curled up on him this time, he collected you in his arms. If you were surprised by his words, you didn't let on. "My dad died when he was twenty-nine. My mom died when she was forty-two. You're a bit younger than me, not that I mind. But my age is something I think about a lot. I'm older than all my friends. I like to be prepared for things before I jump into them. I like to feel out my surroundings. Except when it comes to you, apparently."

You snuggled in a little closer, voice soft as you asked, "What do you mean?"

Bradley kissed your fingers before lacing them with his in the dark bedroom. "I was all in with you as soon as you looked at me. Zero hesitation. No turning back."

You buried your face in his chest and moaned. "You can't just talk about me like that. It makes me insane for you," came your muffled voice, and Bradley laughed. 

"I guess I never had any hesitation about us having kids either. And I'm just saying... it's nice to have time to think about the baby before the baby actually gets here. But I'm also in my head a lot right now about my parents and how much more flying I've got left in me and how I don't actually know how the fuck to take care of a baby."

"Bradley!" Your voice was scolding as you propped yourself up on him. "We're a team. And I wouldn't lie to you. You're not old, and I'm pretty sure nobody actually knows how to take care of a baby until they have one in front of them. Then you just kind of do it, I guess. The fact that you are so excited about this pregnancy is at least half of what's turning me on so much. You will be the best dad imaginable, because you love me so well, and I don't doubt you have more of that to give."

He was exhausted, and your words settled over him like something he could physically feel. "I really am so excited. Today felt like a dream. I just want to cover the whole house in the ultrasound photos, and I can't wait to get another smaller paper airplane tattoo."

He felt your fingers trace his tattoo in the darkness. You knew exactly where it was without guidance just like he knew exactly where yours was. "You'll get it right here? With the baby's name on it?"

"Yeah," he whispered, starting to feel like he was going to doze off.

"I have a question," you said, and he squeezed your hand softly. "Earlier you asked when we can find out if it's a boy or a girl."

He smiled at the hesitation in your voice. "What's your question?"

Bradley could feel your heartbeat against his body, and he thought about how he had been able to see and hear what the baby was doing just a few hours ago. The beautiful sound of that rapid heartbeat that belonged to his child. 

"Do you care? If it's a boy or a girl?"

"No," he answered honestly. "Not one bit. I just care that it's ours."

"Me too. I'm happy either way." Your words sounded soft and dreamy, and he believed them.

"I love you both. Now let the old man sleep."

--------------------------

The rest of the week felt like a bit of a reality check. You tried taking the prenatal vitamins from Dr. Morris, but you threw them back up almost instantly every single time. "Just skip them," Bradley said on Friday morning as you threw up in the toilet when you were trying to get dressed for work. 

"I can't," you practically wailed. "They are supposed to keep me healthy so I can keep the baby healthy." You looked up at him from where you were sitting on the floor.

He sighed and checked the time. "Why don't you just stay home today? You're looking pretty green, and it's Friday anyway. Text Bickel."

Anger flared inside you. He was standing there looking nice and tidy in his khakis while you were on the floor turning yours into a wrinkly mess. And the reason for that was the fact that you had to deal with all of this shit. He just got to enjoy your libido while being excited about the baby. You really didn't want to start resenting him right now when you were leaving for Maryland soon.

"I can't just skip work on a whim like what I'm doing isn't important," you snapped. "I'm trying to get my presentation ready for Annapolis, in case you forgot you offered to help me with that."

He was on his knees in an instant with your chin in his hand. "Hey, that's not what I meant. I just don't want you overexerting yourself, especially since your work is important and you'll be traveling soon."

You still felt bitchy, even though he made you peanut butter crackers and took Tramp for a walk while you stayed curled up in bed for an extra twenty minutes. "That's right. I'll be gone for a week. I'm sure you're looking forward to having a break from the near constant sex."

You used the vanity to pull yourself to your feet while your stomach lurched, even though he was holding his hand out to help you. "Look at me," he demanded without touching you at all. You didn't want to, but you shifted your gaze to his face as he stood too. "If you really think that's true, then we have a serious problem. I'm going to assume that you feel the need to take your nausea out on me, and that's fine. I don't really mind. That's what I'm here for. But do not accuse me of ever wanting to be separated from you."

You pressed your lips together and just nodded as he leaned down to kiss your cheek. You didn't want to be away from him either, but you felt another wave of sickness rolling through your body.

"I need to go, Sweetheart. I'll stop and get you some of those ginger pills on my way home. Maybe they'll help. I love you."

After he left, you threw up again and fought the urge to throw the bottle of prenatal vitamins across the bathroom. Even now you were horny enough that you considered climbing back in bed with your vibrator to take the edge off, but you knew nothing would be as good as the real thing. And you'd have to apologize to Bradley before you could have that, and it would undoubtedly make you cry when you did. 

When you finally made your way back out to the kitchen, you found more peanut butter crackers arranged on a plate in the shape of a heart with one of the ultrasound photos next to it. Tears welled up in your eyes, and you tried to call your husband, but it went to voicemail. You listened to his raspy voice before ending the call and texting him instead.

I'm sorry. If you want Marry Me Rooster for dinner, pick up some chicken along with the ginger pills.

After you tucked the ultrasound picture in the new Bronco, you spent your whole morning sitting quietly with Cat, the two of you going over each presentation slide with a fine tooth comb. "Is that calculation correct?" she asked, pulling out a calculator. 

"It fucking better be. I did it myself. Months ago."

She looked at you with wide eyes. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," you lied, anxious that Bradley hadn't responded to your text. Two days ago, you were having the absolute time of your life with Dr. Morris, and now you wanted to scream. "Can we just finish this?" you said through gritted teeth as Cat checked your math which was obviously done correctly. 

"That's what we're working on," she said smoothly, using her mom voice on you and making your nerves prickle. "Finishing the slides so we can spend next week practicing and getting our notes in order for all of these meetings and cocktail receptions."

The last thing you wanted to do right now was pretend you were drinking alcohol while trying not to vomit. Nothing about this trip to Annapolis seemed appealing. And you didn't want to have to try to hide your pregnancy from your parents if you drove to see them one night. 

"Are you sure you're okay?" Cat asked, and you had to steel your spine as you nodded. 

"I'm perfect." There was no point in making her mad at you when the two of you would be in close quarters for several days, so you rolled your shoulders and got back to work.

-----------------------------

Asking Jake if he wanted to workout actually wasn't the best idea Bradley had come up with recently. It would be nice to have someone to spot for him at the weight bench, but if you were making his favorite dinner, he'd rather spend the time with you. 

"Fuck," he groaned as Jake followed him to the grocery store on his way home. Apparently he needed protein powder and didn't mind that Bradley had to stop for chicken. Of course now he had to try to discreetly grab the ginger pills that you wanted to try for your nausea. 

It ended up being easier than he thought since Jake took fifteen minutes to decide which flavor of protein powder he wanted. He was still looking at them when Bradley went back to that aisle. "Are you almost done?"

Jake shot him a nasty look from where he was squatting at the bottom shelf. "Listen, it would go faster if I didn't get hit on constantly when I'm wearing my uniform."

Bradley rolled his eyes so hard, he was afraid he'd get a migraine. "Keep it in your fucking pants. I'll meet you at my house."

Jake grabbed a container and followed him to the registers. When they passed a hot sauce display, he grabbed one and handed it to Bradley. "Get this for Angel, and maybe you'll get laid. Sounds like you need it."

"It's literally the last thing I need," he mumbled, but paid for it anyway along with the ginger and the chicken. When Bradley slid his credit card back in his wallet, he saw the corner of the ultrasound image he had tucked in there last night. He unfolded it and took a peek as Jake paid for his powder. You were everything. And the baby was everything. And he should have been a little more patient with you this morning. 

"You coming?" Jake asked, and Bradley shoved the nugget photo back inside his wallet before slipping it into his pocket. 

You were already home, and Bradley parked the blue Bronco next to the red one. Jake came careening into the driveway, stopping about two inches from the back of the new Bronco. "Show her a little respect, okay?"

Jake snorted as he climbed out. "You literally fucked the other car to bits. I didn't do shit."

Bradley groaned as he walked inside with Jake on his heels. The first thing he saw was you in the kitchen, feeding Tramp a treat. You had on some skin tight yoga pants and a little shirt without a bra, and you turned to him and said, "Can we talk?" He opened his mouth to tell you that you could have any damn thing you wanted, and then you said, "Hi, Jake," with a look of surprise on your face. "I didn't know you were coming over."

"Hey, Angel," Jake crooned, walking into the kitchen and pulling you in for a tight hug. Shit, Bradley forgot to text you and let you know he wasn't going to be alone. "Didn't see you at lunch today."

"I worked through lunch," you replied, your eyes on Bradley. "Are you staying for dinner?"

"Nah, just going to lift weights out in the garage with Rooster for a bit. I'll be out of your hair after that."

"You can stay if you want," you told him, but he was already heading toward the hallway bathroom with his gym bag. "Why didn't you tell me he was coming over?" you whispered. "I'm not even wearing underwear, and you left one of the ultrasound photos on the fridge."

Bradley quickly pulled it down and stuck it in the freezer on his way to get to you. "I'm sorry. I meant to text you, but then I got in the Bronco and forgot." Tears welled up in your eyes; he should be used to this by now, but he was not. "If you're horny, I'll take care of you as soon as Jake leaves."

You scoffed at him. "It's not that. I don't just want that. I wanted to talk. You're not just a gigantic, walking dick to me."

Jake cleared his throat, and you and Bradley both turned to see him standing there in his gym clothes. "I'll meet you out in the garage," he said with a smirk. "Take your time."

"I'll just be a minute," Bradley called over his shoulder, but you'd already started to open the chicken he set on the counter. "Do you want to talk now?"

"No." Great. You were giving him one word answers now. 

"Would you like me to get changed and get out of your hair?"

"Yes."

---------------------------

As soon as Bradley walked through the sliding glass door and headed for the garage, you broke out in tears. What the fuck was your problem? You didn't mind if Jake was here or if he stayed for dinner. You didn't want to completely discourage Bradley from hanging up the nugget photo. You just couldn't control your emotions, and you had zero patience today. And you couldn't stop running to the bathroom to pee. 

You decided to fill up some travel mugs with water and take them out to the guys to smooth things over. Tramp ran around in the grass as you walked across the yard, and you could already hear the two of them talking over their playlist as you approached the doorway. 

"Is Angel's ass bigger now?" Jake asked, pointing to the dirty calendar that Bradley hung on the wall and strategically covered part of with a post-it note.

Your husband shook his head. "Stop staring at my calendar," he replied as he added weight to one side of the bar. "And stop talking about my wife's ass."

"She's in a feisty mood today. You probably didn't even need that hot sauce to get laid, old man." Based on Jake's response, you were pretty sure neither of them had seen you in the doorway yet as you stood there awkwardly. 

Bradley's brow creased. "She's been a real handful, actually."

Jake hooted with laughter. "In the bedroom? Never mind, I don't want to know."

It took Bradley a few seconds to respond. "Can we talk about anything else other than my wife? Please? Literally any other topic would be great."

You turned on your heel and carried the waters back toward the house as soon as you heard Jake say, "Speaking of asses, you know who has a great one..."

They were out there for a full hour. You made what turned out to be perhaps the most incredible looking batch of Marry Me Rooster of your life while you stewed. Even your husband was already sick of you. Soon you'd gain so much pregnancy weight, your ass would probably be enormous. He'd probably have to close his eyes just to have sex with you. 

You froze as you were putting the chicken onto a plate. What if he couldn't stand the sight of you with a belly at all? All stretched out and weird? Bradley had probably glorified it in his mind, but you knew it wasn't going to be all that appealing when you were nine months along in the middle of March with stretch marks galore. You were already bloated enough that Jake noticed.

You were turning and looking down at your body when they both came walking back inside, out of breath. "Smells good in here. Are these for us?" Bradley asked, pointing at the waters on the island. 

"Yes," you whispered, afraid to meet his eyes. As soon as you heard his voice, you were horny again, but you didn't want to keep forcing him to have sex with you just because you couldn't help yourself.

Jake kissed you on the cheek, and when you told him he was welcome to stay for dinner, he said, "I'll take a raincheck. See you for golf on Sunday, Rooster," and headed out to his car.

"Do you think you can eat dinner?" Bradley asked you softly. When you turned away from him and nodded, he said, "You didn't have to wait for me if you were hungry. Do you want me to shower first?"

You burst into tears once again. "I don't know if I'm hungry. I don't ever know. Sometimes I just grow up. And I can't stop fucking crying! And I don't want you to be so sick of me that you'd rather talk about literally anything else with Jake, including someone else's ass."

"Whoa, whoa," he said quietly, spinning you around again. "I don't want to talk about anything else besides you, Sweetheart."

You shook your head and covered your eyes with your hands. "I tried to bring the waters outside. I heard you."

When you were pulled snug against his sweaty shirt, you felt slightly better. "Baby Girl. I was not about to get into a conversation with Jake about how I can barely keep up with you in bed. In order to keep my pride intact, I would at least want him to know you're pregnant if I'm admitting that you're wearing me out." He kissed the top of your head over and over.

"It feels like you're getting sick of me," you sobbed softly. "And you brought me hot sauce even though I can't eat it right now, and that made me so sad."

"I couldn't be less sick of you if I tried. I just needed to keep Jake off my back rather than let slip that you're pregnant, so I got the hot sauce. And it's completely my fault I forgot to tell you he was coming over, but I had a lot on my mind today."

"Like what?" you asked, inhaling how delicious he smelled even compared to the dinner you made.

"Like possible baby names and the look and feel of your pussy when I fuck you. Do you need me right now? Because I'm ready to go when you want me."

"So badly," you squeaked. "I'm sorry, Roo."

"Don't ever apologize again for wanting to have sex with me. I will be the one to apologize if I don't last as long as you need me to."

You nodded against him. "Well then I'll apologize for having a bad attitude."

"Do you need me to fuck the attitude out of you?" 

"Yes, sir."

-------------------------------

Imagine how excited he'll be holding that baby in his beefy arms. Just stay calm, sweet Roo. The hormones won't last forever. Up next, we're going to Annapolis. Thanks @mak-32 and @beyondthesefourwalls

PART 31

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@mygyn

[dolphin-diaries]

A Conversation With Lucy Kartikasari

An interview with a fellow detrans woman and activist about her experience. Originally posted on the Dolphin Diaries substack.

Dolphin Diaries: Would you introduce yourself and describe how you identify?

Lucy Kartikasari: Hi! My name is Lucy Kartikasari. I’m twenty-eight years old, I live in the Netherlands and I would label myself as a queer, bisexual detrans woman. Aside from my normal day job, I’m an online activist for LGBTQ rights with a focus on community-building between trans and detrans people. I feel like that is very sorely needed in today’s political climate.

So, when people think of detrans people, they usually think about the medical aspects of transition first and foremost. You were a teenager when you started transitioning, and you went through the Dutch transition procedure, is that correct?

Right, that is correct. I was twelve when I started my social transition and sixteen when I started my medical transition.

What has that experience been like?

My experience of it as a teen was marked by long waiting lists—which are still part of trans healthcare in the Netherlands today. After I came out to my parents, we went to our GP, and then I spent about three and a half years on a waitlist before I could even start the diagnostic portion of the transition process. It’s all been quite gatekeep-y.

But at the same time, I don’t think the psychologists involved really understood transition and what might motivate someone like me to do it. For me specifically, the root of my transition was the idea that I’d be a failure as a woman. I couldn’t be that beautiful, thin, hairless doll. So I remember the doctors asking me, have I considered if I could just be a masculine woman? And, no. I don’t think this way anymore, obviously, but back then, for me being a masculine woman also meant being a failure. Anything less than picture-perfect cisheteronormativity was not good enough. So I felt like, I may as well be a man. And I don’t think they understand what that kind of trauma looks like.

So, based on the kinds of questions they were asking you, what do you think they were trying to screen you for?

I think, besides asking if I was just a masculine woman, they were trying to screen for things like sexual trauma. But mostly it was, like, what makes you not want to be a woman? And I would say, well, it’s my body parts. I had a lot of negative thoughts about having extra fat on my body—you know, growing up in a half-Asian household, fatphobia is very common. Only thin women can be successful, and if you’re not under fifty kilos, you’re not thin enough. And so I had a lot of negative feelings about that and my breasts in particular. Just very disinterested in having them, very unhappy with them. And I didn’t really want to be a woman, so I was like, well if I want to live as a man, I should have a flat chest, a penis, and so on. And so, because I was so dissatisfied with my body and with my breasts especially, that assured them it was really gender dysphoria. I don’t think they really understood my cultural context, either.

Would you say it was like, the doctors were aware that women might have bodily insecurities, but surely, if you were really a woman, you wouldn’t hate it that badly?

Exactly. And while I was on the waitlist, I was in therapy, but I was never in therapy with someone who specialised in gender dysphoria. They just looked at me and went, well, let’s wait four years and see if the child still wants to transition. So what happened was, I spent all that time presenting as a boy, at the time that my identity was really crystalising, between the ages of twelve and fifteen. So by the time it came to doing the diagnostics, I was already like, yeah I’m a boy, there’s nothing else to it. I’m a dude.

So it sounds like, since you had to wait so long, you weren’t really coming to a psychologist to help you with figuring out your transness? You just came there specifically to transition?

Yeah. When I first came out, it was to my dad, and I wasn’t sure then. I just said, I think I’m a boy. What would’ve been helpful for me at the time was if someone would’ve sat down with me and helped me untangle my feelings, why I was so insecure about the idea of growing up as a woman, why the trappings of a female body were so traumatising to me. Why I had so many of these weird issues of, like, my bones being too big, my wrists not being small enough. Because I was just like: I don’t want to fail, I don’t want to be bad at this; I may as well do something I’ll be good at.

So that time you spent living as a boy while not being able to access medical transition—how did that affect you?

I felt like I was a victim of my own biology. I felt like, if I was on testosterone, at least some of this fat would be muscle. I know it’s a lot of fatphobia—don’t get me wrong, I’m a gym girl now, I know you don’t have to be on T for that. But I’m still working very hard to deconstruct all these things. Back then, I looked at my unclothed body with revulsion, and I felt like a masculine body would be so much better than whatever I had going on. Going through life as a boy while simultaneously being so disgusted with myself—it was just so much easier to exist in places where I didn’t have to be physically present, like online. I learned to detach my personality from my physicality, to disassociate.

Has that affected your experience with detransition?

Well, I’m twenty-eight now. My adolescence was a long time ago at this point, so it can be hard to reconnect with the way I used to feel back then. But that ability to disconnect from my body has actually made it easier to cope with my bodily insecurities now, too. Because it’s like, even if I feel horrible, even if I were to devolve into some sort of horrific creature physically, I know I’d still be me in my mind, no matter what.

And have you needed to access gender-affirming care as a detrans woman?

Yeah, I’ve had a total hysterectomy, so I’m reliant on oestrogen HRT for the rest of my life. I have had laser hair removal on my face, since the growth there was bothering me quite a lot. And I’ve been planning to undergo breast reconstruction and a treatment for the scarring on my chest.

In terms of access to gender-affirming healthcare for detransition as an adult, what’s been your experience?

As an adult, I found that there really are no protocols in place for detransition—like, they just don’t think about it at all. Some of my interactions with healthcare professionals have been quite callous. For example, when I first approached my doctor about switching my hormones, one of the first things he said to me was, You know it’s actually really rare for people to do this. And I was kind of like, well of course it’s rare. But how is that supposed to help me now?

One of the other things I had to do is wait. I took my last dose of testosterone in September 2022, and I only got to start oestrogen in December 2022.

So that’s like, months with low sex hormones across the board?

Yeah, it crashed pretty quickly. October, I wasn’t feeling great; November, menopausal symptoms were starting to kick in. It was starting to affect my day job. Thank goodness, the company doctor was an older woman, so I just explained to her my detransition and said, look, I don’t have hormones in my body right now. And she understood.

So, for November and January, I was actually experiencing menopausal symptoms for the second time in my life. Because I’ve also been on hormone blockers and nothing else when I was sixteen. There’s some comedy there, menopause at sixteen and then again at twenty-six. Now I look back at it and laugh, but at the time it was obviously horrific.

As for the social aspect of detransitioning, I didn’t really want to tell people about it because I was essentially stealth in a lot of places, especially my professional life. So people in the workplace would see me and interpret me as a trans woman all of a sudden. To be fair, I was working in data engineering, so I think everyone was just looking at me and being like, yep, makes sense.

This dovetails into my next question: what has it been like, outside of online and queer spaces, to live as a detrans woman?

It’s been kind of a mixed bag. I think my greatest concern, or fear, or whatever you want to call it, has been triggering people’s transmisogyny, because they assume I’m a trans woman. I’ve had instances where I, like, went out partying and approached a guy, and then that guy found my Instagram. He saw my they/she/he pronouns, heard my voice. And then he was just like, You used to be a man. And we’re in the middle of a dance floor, I’m not giving him my entire gender history. At that particular club, I was with my sister and knew the security, so I knew I’d be safe if something went down, but it was scary. Dating in general is strange, intensely uncomfortable and scary. I just have to throw my entire story out there, because otherwise it’s like, what’s up with these chest scars? And you know, with single-sex spaces, I go to the changing rooms in the gym with my sister, because I’m scared that, if I speak a word, there will be a problem. Legally I’m still male and I have a traditionally masculine name, so I run into issues because of that, too.

When it comes to my friends and family, however, they’ve been really good. I’ve been so lucky. And I think it’s also because I’ve been so open about my transition and everything that went into it, that people were like, well, Lucy, we love you no matter what. It’s all good; if you want to detransition, that’s fine; if you want to retransition later, that’s also fine. There’s only one exception to that, and it’s my mum. She struggled a lot with my transition in the beginning, so it was quite hard to tell her. Even to this day, I think she still has issues with the fact I want to be a mother, in part because it will cost me a lot of money. So I waited until, like, four months on E to tell her, surprise, I’m your daughter again.

I also worry about certain expectations being put on me again, like the way I need to look, act, sound. But I feel like that’s kind of just being a woman in society, unfortunately.

Have you ever worried about coming out as detrans and unintentionally confirming people’s worst suspicions about trans people?

I find that the one way I combat this is, just by openly stating that this is my experience—I really emphasise that. If you want to take my story and run with it, I can’t really stop that. But I try to be really emphatic of my support for trans people, of my trans friends, even if it’s a little silly. Like, I still do the testosterone shots for my best friend, who’s a trans guy; I’m friends with trans girls; I’m still very much in community with trans people. When I say this so often, it might come across to other queer people as performative—but that’s the point, I need to do this performance when I talk to cis people who really don’t get it. For whom I’m just a confirmation of their worst instincts.

So what has being detrans been like for you in queer circles?

In my local communities in the Netherlands, because I’ve been involved with activism, it’s really fine as I’ve made a name for myself in being very pro-trans rights. Overall, it’s been good.

Were you involved in activism before you detransitioned, also?

I only really got involved in activism as a detrans person. Before that, I felt like there were so many people much more eloquent than me, people who already have huge followings—what could I possibly add to the conversation? But then, about six months after detransitioning, I found a tweet by Oli London [about detransition], and that was a catalyst. I thought, I need to do something about this. I figured that I could add way more to the conversation about being detrans and in community with trans people than anything else.

What would you say are trans people’s attitudes about detransition and detrans people?

I think it really depends on the age. I feel like, the younger you go, the more vitriolic the hatred towards detrans people. Young people and especially teenagers are very prone to black-and-white thinking. I think—and this is going to be controversial—that the trans kids who are incredibly vitriolic towards detrans people are the ones who are most likely to detransition later down the line, because they do not give any room for their doubts and might be reacting this way because they’re hiding something away. But generally, I’d say the older you get, the more someone has been in community with other trans and queer people, the more likely they are to look at your experience in a nuanced way. At least that’s what I observe with my followers. The only exception is—and I know this comes from a place of pain—some trans women who really hate detrans women, because they see it as squandering the gift of natural-born femininity. Like, you had this, I want it and I can’t have it—and you just threw it away.

When you describe your experience to trans people, do they recognise it as a detrans experience? Or is it usually the first time they hear something like that in regards to detransition?

I think it’s usually new to them in that context. I think the only detransition content they’ve encountered before was, let’s face it, Christofascist white nationalist content. Let’s just call a spade a spade. So the fact they’re hearing someone empathetic to trans people, who wants them to have adequate healthcare, job opportunities, everything—that’s new. They’re very quick to rip into certain well-known right-wing detransitioners, but when they respond to me with hate because I’m detrans and I just shrug it off, that kind of defangs it.

On a broader scale, would you say that detransitioning impacted the way you think about gender and sex?

Being a detrans woman just made me realise—it’s all the same thing. It’s always sexism, misogyny; it’s always hatred of the feminine, the unmet expectations of the feminine, failing to be a woman. I don’t understand how people like Chloe Cole and Prisha and whoever else can be like this, because you know they’ll treat you just the same as a trans woman. You’ll get lumped in when the chips are down. There’s so much more to gain in accepting gender fluidity, in community.

What would you say are the biggest challenges to detrans people right now?

I think it’s the fact that the organisations that have been founded supposedly to help us always have ulterior motives. For instance, I have a Brazilian detrans friend, and she complains to me it’s all very Jesus-saved-us there. I’m Australian, so I need to get all paperwork changes through the Australian government, and the only organisation that cares about detransition there is the LGB Alliance. Then you look at the US, and it’s Genspect. These organisations are usually Christofascist. So yeah, there’s never anything that offers a structured way of helping detrans people without that agenda. That would sort out your documents and your healthcare.

So what I’m surmising is, when detrans people need help with legal gender marker change or gender-affirming healthcare access, the only option they see available to them are those right-wing organisations?

Right. We need to take that power away from them.

I very much agree. Lastly, in your opinion, do detrans issues tie in with any broader issues right now?

I think a lot of the things relevant to detrans women tie in with general women’s issues. For instance, speaking as a detrans woman that has been sterilised, there’s reproductive healthcare. The Right has this chokehold on conversations of fertility; they talk about how you’ll never breastfeed, never have babies if you take T for too long, and so on. It’s about reproductive rights and control over everyone who has the capacity to bear children. And of course, there’s trans rights and the encroachment of transphobia. The Right wants to construct a very specific view of gender, of women, and in part they use detrans women to do that.

Lucy Kartikasari can be found over on TikTok, Twitter, Instagram, and Threads. She creates content about her transition and detransition as well as trans and detrans solidarity. Find her other links here.

[ac-19]

After jim street gets into the hospital going up and arguing with the nurse who says no visitors and you march past her and goes into jims room and breaks down. He holds you close and tells the nurse its okay, and she lets them be. She tells him how scared she was.

Hospital - J. Street (S.W.A.T)

summary: you might do a tad too much when a nurse won't let you see jim after he's been injured.

i knew it was bad news the second i saw the principal's face when i opened the door in the middle of my afternoon class.

"it's jim. he's in route to the hospital, that's all the information they gave me."

i nodded as the tears welled up in my eyes and i swallowed the lump in my throat trying my best to put on a brave face. i knew this day could come eventually, but i never thought it would be today.

"go. i'll cover your afternoon."

i nodded.

"thank you."

she nodded and i quickly grabbed my purse from my desk and bolted down the hallway. the sound of my heels hitting the floor as i ran out to the front door was loud in my ears and i barely remember the drive to the hospital. i had tried to call luca on my way there but there was no answer but i figured he might still be out on a call.

once i got to the hospital i rushed through the doors of the er and headed up to the nurses station ignoring the throbbing pain in my feet, cursing myself for wearing some new heels today.

"can i help you?"

"what room is jim street in?"

"are you family?"

"fiancée."

she nodded as she typed in his information on the computer.

"you'll have to wait out here. no visitors are allowed back to his room."

i shook my head.

"can you at least tell me what's going on with him?"

"the doctor will be out to give you all that information in due time."

i shook my head as i pushed myself up from where i was leaning onto the nurse's station and took one look down the long hallway before i started walking down it hoping to at least lay my eyes on jim to know if he was okay or not.

i heard the nurse screaming at me that i wasn't allowed back there but at this exact moment i didn't care. i quickly found jim's room and he gave me a confused look as he stood up from the bed. he was shirtless and i could see the bruises forming around his ribcages already and the bandage on his left arm but other than that he seemed good.

"what are you doing here?"

i walked inside the room and headed straight for jim's arms and he quickly wrapped his arms around me as he grunted probably in pain given the state of his torso and arm so i lightened my grip on him.

"they told me you were hurt..."

"ma'am like i said you can't be in here."

jim pulled back from me slightly and looked down at me and chuckled before he looked back up at the nurse.

"can you give us a minute?"

"one. any longer and she gets escorted out of here by security."

"fair enough."

"what did you do?"

i chuckled through the tears that were streaming down my cheeks as i pulled away from jim.

"she told me no visitors were allowed but i needed to see you with my own two eyes. make sure you were okay. i was so scared jim. not just for me, but what i would tell nate, if anything ever happened to you."

"hey, i'm good. bullet caught the vest so a few bruises and a small cut on my arm from some barbwire."

i nodded.

"okay it's time for you to go."

i nodded as i leaned up on my tippy toe and planted my lips on jim's. he laid his hand on my hip and i smiled as we pulled away from each other.

"i'm not going anywhere anytime soon. plus i agreed to bring nate to mcdonald's this weekend so i can't let the little guy down."

"why wasn't i invited to this little outing?"

"father son time."

i nodded.

"i better go. before she actually has me escorted out by security."

jim nodded.

"i love you jim street."

"i love you more. now go."

"just for the record i would of probably done the same thing you did."

i chuckled and nodded as i walked out of the room and down the hallway with the nurse.

"i'm sorry."

she nodded.

i gave the nurse a small smile as i nodded and sat down in a chair in the nursing home as i pulled out my phone and texted my mom to ask her to pick up nate from daycare and bring him here.

[transbianmuffin]

Memories pt. 2

cw hopefully last transphobia, slurs, ptsd, bullism, death

********

[Sergeant] "Ok you bunch of pussies. In two hours we will make contact with the weed vessel. I want to see them burn. I want to know if they can scream and how high. No mercy, no POW. This is the day for which you've trained your whole life and..."

"Those wouldn't be POWs..."

[Frederick] "Oh my fucking god."

[Neil] "Told you that she wants to be fucked by weeds."

[Sergeant] "I'm sorry princess, my terminology doesn't appeal to your taste? You're right. Those weeds wouldn't be POWs. Those are fucking monsters that deserve to die."

"What I meant is that there is no war. They already won it...that's why we are the 'resistance' right?"

[Frederick] "Weed-fucker..."

[Sergeant] "You leave me no choice. You've crossed the line one last time, princess. You are exonerated from this mission. You will wait in the ship..."

[Frederick] "Yeah even because, can you imagine her actually shooting? She will start to cry and miss at best., if not hitting at us"

[Sergeant] "...and when we are back you can say good bye to your meds forever. I don't fucking care about the doctor's orders or whatever. I WILL make you a warrior. I don't care how much I have to BREAK you."

I don't care.

I hate you.

I hate you all.

We could be at peace and you strive for war again and again and again.

********

"Who would ever thought that those memories were so rooted within her that even Class-B would fail. I hope the variant that Psylocra gave me will work better."

"M- Mist..."

"Sleep my floret. Sleep. I'm here, everything is fine."

"I kil- I killed t-"

"Hush my beloved. You didn't do anything, those nightmares aren't real. You've always been with me, remember? I found you on a field of tulips and I've never left you. Now make your Mistress happy and sleep."

"I- happy... I goo- floret."

"You are the best floret an Affini could ever wish for, Deena."

********

Smoke.

Smoke everywhere.

Mask.

Fuck fuck what did I do fuck fuck shit oh god oh god oh god

Air.

I need air.

I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die

...

...

...

Light?

Where am I?

An Affini what the hell god it's eerie I'm scared I'm scared fuck fuck fuck

"Hello little terran, do you remeber your name?"

"Y- yes, I'm Deena."

"Mh, this doesn't seem correct. Oh wait. Yes it is. Roots you terrans really have to format your documentation better.

If that's your actual name why is it's only stated in a footnote?"

"I- "

My god she's so tall towering imposing and her stare I'm scared fuck fuck fuck

"It doens't matter. Now little terran, I have a most troublesome situation for which I think your help would be extremely valuable and much needed. Would you want to help me untangle this little mistery?"

"W- where..."

"Where are you? Oh yes, sorry. You are safe with us, with me. You have nothing to fear or worry about."

"..."

"I know that trust is a hard thing to concede for you little ones. So I'll introduce myself first and after that I'd love for you to do the same.

I am Sinea Chloratea, second bloom. I am a senior investigator officer for the Affini Compact dispatch in the Jupiter area. I don't mean any harm to you. In fact I find you extremely cute.

Your turn, dear."

"I- I am Deena. I am. I am. Scared."

"That's understandable, darling. Let me help you a bit here.

One day ago an unidentified terran vessel literaly crashed against one of our vessels.

A vessel which was carrying a very important scientist of ours. Now the terran vessel was more than expected. You are so cute when you think that our intelligence can't break through your, hehe, 'encrypted' communications.

Fact is that the vessel crashed against ours, we were expecting eight terrans, pretty well equipped trying to breach our hull and break in, but..."

"B-but?"

"But nothing happened. So, after a while, WE had to break in.

Now here's the funny part: a pretty thick smoke had oversaturated the inner cabin and we found seven corpses lying around.

All of them armed and presumably ready to attack.

We also found a curious amount of triggered smoke grenades.

Seven death terrans. We expected eight."

"Y-yes."

"Yes and we found the eight one. We found you lying almost lifeless, with a gas mask on. The only one with a gas mask on."

"I- "

"My dear, you seem pretty stressed. Maybe you want something to relax? Here, you can drink it if you want it. I promise it's nothing harmful, it will just... help with the memories."

Water?

No.

One of their drugs.

Don't care, I'm probably already dead.

I'm thirsty at least if I'm dying I will be high as fuck.

"Yes, good girl. Now I would love to hear this story from your point of view. Could you do that for me?"

Dizzy I feel so dizzy I must tell her no she's an Affini I must she seems so kind so kind finally kindness finally finally finally peace

"I killed them I killed them all they were cruel with me I never wanted to join them but I was an orphan I had nowhere to go and they took me in they treated me bad so I killed them I killed them all they wanted to kill you but I killed them I- I- I- I want kindness."

"Kindness? Oh I can certainly provide that. Stars you poor thing went through a lot. You don't deserve that, as cute as you are. You did good in telling me, you've been a good girl."

A good girl yes thank you thank you thank you finally kindness finally kindness

"Now, you're doing a wonderful job here, dear.

Unfortunately I need a last bit of information.

We understand that your vessel, well, former vessel central command control was connected to a bigger intranet. We could break the encription key but it'd take at least a couple of days and it's all wasted time, I think you can understand that.

"Yes. You need the key."

"I don't really need it but I'd like to not waste time, and besides it will prove that you truly are a good girl. A very cute one, I may say."

I am a good girl, yes yes thank you thank you thank you good girl I am a good girl

"The oldest one the Sergeant he had an implant behind his left eye that implant contains a genetic password that will grant you access to the rebel intranet I know it please please please tell te- sorry it's a bit hard to think straight.."

"Tell what?"

Tell me I'm a good girl tell me I'm a good girl tell me I'm a good girl tell me I'm a good girl tell me I'm a good girl tell me I'm a good girl

"..."

"My dear you're safe here, you can trust me, tell what?"

"T- tell me I'm a good girl."

"Oh sweetie. You are the goodest of the girls."

"..."

"Are you crying? Dirt, you are so extremely cute. Now you've sustained pretty big injuries to both your respiratory and limbic system. Nothing we can't take care of obviously and we will take care of you. Great care of you. You'll need some more time resting here in the xeno infirmary..."

"Th- thank you."

"...no need to thank me, little one. It's me who's thanking you. You've been so good.

I was saying: when you're done here would you mind to spend some time with me? I'd love to show you around our main vessel."

"Yes, yes please."

"Such a good girl. Rest now, soon we'll be together again."

Finally kindess finally peace

********

[buckysgirl27]

Off To War

Part Six

40s Bucky x Reader

Summary: Reader and Bucky are married in the 40's. Hydra captures Bucky and commands him to eliminate them. Can he do it? What will happen to future Bucky with this new information.

Trigger Warnings: Character death, ANGST (for real this part was DIFFICULT to write)

A/N: Thank you for all the love❤️ it's kinda short. sorry. I've been really busy guys😭

Masterlist

You may as well have died yourself. When Steve brought you the news again you thought he was messing with you.

"This isn't funny Steve."

He didn't laugh.

"It's not a joke. I saw it myself. I couldn't do anything. He fell before I could get to him."

The tears fell before you could stop them.

"It should have been you." You said coldly and slammed the door in his face and walked to your room, threw yourself on the bed and sobbed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flashback

Bucky looked at the map that Steve had pointed out a few locations on. Steve knew he didn't want to be there but this was kind of ridiculous.

"C'mon Steve, is this really necessary? The boys have already got everything all mapped out and some of them have even started scouting the joints by the sound of it."

Steve rolled his eyes. Of course this was necessary. How was it not necessary to stop Hitler's science division? He crossed his arms against his chest and gave Bucky a stern look.

"Of course it's necessary Buck. It'll be a quick mission. In and out. They won't even know we're coming."

Bucky looked at Steve apprehensively.

"Fine. But let's hurry. I feel guilty leaving her the 2 weeks I already have."

Steve rolled his eyes again.

"She's fine Buck. She wrote to you right? She said she's fine."

"Yeah. Yeah you're right."

Three days later they found themselves on a mountain top waiting for a train.

"This isn't payback for dragging you to that roller coaster on Coney Island right?"

Steve laughed.

"Maybe. Maybe not."

~~~~~~

Steve shook himself out of the memory. His last good one with his best friend. The rest was just a fight, which normally would be a fun and exciting thing, but not this time.

He did feel a little guilty. He shouldn't have dragged Bucky back. He should have let him go back to you when he wanted to.

Steve turned around and slid his back down the front door to your home. He too was lost.

He allowed himself a few minutes to pull himself together and then he left. Unable to leave any type of memory of Bucky behind him.

~~~~~~~~

A few weeks later you were doing the dishes in the kitchen. You had let them pile up and had almost no clean ones left.

There were 2 plates and the only cup that was left was James' coffee mug which you vowed to never use again. It was his after all.

You sunk your hand into the soapy water and cut your hand on a knife.

"Shit!"

Of course you cut yourself. Everything was going sooo smoothly, why wouldn't you hurt yourself.

At least at your doctor appointment a few days ago everything was okay. You were worried about that. You hadn't eaten anything for the first week since Steve had come to the house with the news.

You remembered what you and Bucky had talked about the day he came home the first time you thought he died.

You had starved yourself, stuck in a depression causing a miscarriage and he blamed himself for it. You had decided you wouldn't do it again. Yes, he most likely wouldn't be coming home this time but you now had a piece of him growing inside of you. He'd still always be with you. Maybe the baby would have his bright blue eyes, or the adorable sm-

The sound of the front door being smashed open exploded in your ears.

You ran to your room. There was no way in hell you were going to check and see which Nazi spy was going to kill you. Possibly.

But you weren't that important? Why would they.

You brushed off the thought as you tried to carefully shut the bedroom door.

You ended up slamming it.

With your massive globe of a stomach there was no way you could fit under the bed. You sighed. The closet it was.

You hunkered down in the smallest ball you could possibly could and waited.

Maybe they would skip over this room?

You heard footsteps start coming down the hall.

Maybe they were looking for Bucky.

The person who the footsteps belonged to smashed into the room Steve used to sleep in.

You flinched.

The footsteps reached just outside the door to your room. This time though. You heard the door knob being softly opened. Like they knew you were in here. Like they were trying to sneak up on you.

And they were.

The only reason you knew they even started coming into the room was because you heard the door creak as the person started to shut it. You heard it stop quickly after the beginning of the creak. You're glad James never got to fixing that squeak. You could prepare yourself.

You could hear the now soft footsteps slowly getting closer and closer until they reached in front of the closet. You could see the bottoms of the shoes through the space between the floor and the door.

You held your breath.

It didn't help. The door was yanked open and you were face to face with,

"James?" You practically screamed.

You sat there in shock. Trying to take in all of him. He looked at you confused. Why would he look at you confused? Your eyes landed on his arm. Why the hell did he have a metal arm?

But as quick as the confusion was there it was gone. He shook his head aggressively, like he was trying to quiet a loud noise only he could hear.

You got to your feet and slowly took a step towards him. As you did he took a step back.

He stared at you blankly and said in a gravely voice,

"I am the Winter Soldier and you are my mission."

Before you could question anything you saw the gun in his hand raise to your face. You heard the shot and the world went black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week later Steve came by to check on you. What he wasn't expecting was the smashed in front door, nor the smell of death permeating your once clean and tidy home.

He crossed the threshold and followed the smell.

He paused when he realized it was coming from your bedroom.

That had always been your safe haven. Your place. Only you and Bucky had ever been in there. He didn't know and didn't even know where to begin to imagine what it looked like.

He opened the door and was hit with the putrid stench.

He looked around to see that the room was still fairly clean.

The bed was made. There was a pile of folded clothes that needed to be put away that was sitting on the bed but he figured you were going to be doing that soon.

He looked over a little more towards the opposite side of the bed and that's when he saw a foot sticking out from the other side.

He gulped. He had seen plenty of dead bodies. So many it was concerning that he was comfortable around it. But this? He didn't think he could do this. As much as he didn't like you, you were still his best friend's pregnant wife. How could that not churn anyone's stomach?

He rounded the corner and his stomach dropped.

He made his way to you. You were starting to rot where you had been shot. Tears had started to run down Steve's face. He was going to be an uncle. Not by blood but an uncle none the less.

He should have stayed with you. This wouldn't have happened if he insisted on staying with you.

This was all his fault.

~To be continued~

@goth1c-pinki3-pi3

@svtbpbts

@homiesexual-or-homosexual

@baw1066

@theflowerswillbloom

@lil-riddle-kiddle

@lapii

[calaisreno]

Diagnosis

974 words / Prompt: Night / CW: Sad

After, I stayed at Baker Street as long as I could, but every morning that I woke up and found him gone plunged me into darkness. Everything reminded me. 

When I couldn’t sleep, I walked. I could never escape the memories, though. If I did sleep, they were there, waiting for me. 221B was full of memories, lacking him. At night, walking was better than lying in bed, sleepless, with the past. 

Sometimes at night I saw him. Wherever I walked, he would eventually appear, waiting in a doorway, sitting on a bench in the park. Without speaking, he would fall in step with me.

“You must be a vampire,” I told him one night. “I only see you after dark.” 

Vampires are not real, he said. 

“Are you real?” I asked. 

I could almost hear him smiling. You didn’t invent me.

Once I asked him if he would come home with me. He didn’t answer. 

I drank during the day, walked at night, and thought about going back to work. 

I slept in his bed. Even to myself, I seemed crazy. I thought about dying.

After a month of this, drinking and walking, it came to me that I had to leave. Mrs Hudson was lovely, but it was impossible for me to explain it to her, so I just left a note, promising to stop in at some point and pick up my things. 

I waited until night, took my bag and slipped out the door like a thief. As I looked back, I saw a tall figure in a Belstaff coat following me.

I’d travelled back in time to a depressing bedsit. To a life where Sherlock didn’t exist, where those few months at 221B were something I’d dreamed. 

The first day I returned to work at the hospital, a few people stopped me to offer polite condolences. I thanked them, saying the same empty things over and over. After a couple days, nobody reminded me that he was dead and I was alone. On my way home I bought more liquor. Vodka this time, since it didn’t leave much odour on the breath.. 

 Like a sleepwalker, I trudged along for weeks, not sure where I was heading. Life was just eating and sleeping, taking the bus to work and coming home, watching the telly, smiling at people, saying meaningless things. 

At night, I walked in a liminal space where he might still exist.

“This patient came in,” I told him one night. “Five years old, high fever, skin peeling right off his palms, bright red eyes.”

He glanced at me, intrigued. Diagnosis? 

“Kawasaki disease. Never saw a case before.”

What tipped you off?

“When he stuck out his tongue and I saw how swollen and red it was, I remembered reading about that and it all just clicked together.” 

Satisfying when that happens, he said, nodding.

He seemed as restless as I was, and began turning up in places I didn’t expect. There were always the all-night convenience shops, and if I had something to pick up he would follow me inside, just out of eyeshot, reminding me to get the biscuits he liked, recommending jams that I might want to try. What about these chocolate biscuits? Or maybe the ones with apricot filling. 

Sometimes he was there in the A&E, making observations and acting bored when I ignored him, as I had to. “Can’t have people thinking I’m losing my mind, talking to people who aren’t there,” I muttered.

I heard him scoff. No, we can’t have that.

But usually I only saw him when I wasn’t working. When I arrived at my sad little flat after work in the early morning, he would be leaning on the door, waiting for me. Almost every day I had a story for him, a new case to describe. He asked odd questions: Did you look at his fingertips? Did his breath smell like ammonia? Did she have freckles, not the usual kind, but darker? Did her skin look waxy? 

He’d always said, People see, but they do not observe. As I examined my patients, I tried to use his eyes to observe the things that might solve the case. And gradually I realised that I’d become the go-to doctor for bizarre diagnoses. The Sherlock Holmes of Barts Hospital.

Impressive, Dr. Watson, he said. You’ve become quite the detective. 

“You taught me,” I said. “It was from you that I learned to see everything differently. As you always say, the world is full of obvious things which nobody by any chance observes.” 

He smiled but said nothing. Though he loved receiving compliments, he was stingy in his praise of others. Once he’d praised something, there was no need to say it again just so my ego could bask in it. 

At other times, he was critical. You’re rotting your brain, he said one afternoon when I got out of bed and looked at my bloodshot eyes. You have talent — why are you doing this to yourself?

I didn’t point out that he had often rotted his brain with worse things. He had more or better brain cells, I suppose, and often needed to slow his mind down just to keep it from crashing out of exhaustion. 

But he was always more solicitous of my health than of his own. He scolded me now. You’re not taking care of yourself.

“I’m sorry,” I told him. “I’m really fucked up and I don’t know what to do about it. I miss you so much.”

I felt, rather than heard his chuckle. Try to remember all the things that used to annoy you. Try to remember what a prat I was.

“You weren’t,” I told him. “You were wonderful. I love you.”

The room was silent. When I looked up, he was gone.

[i-love-yoi]

A nice and positive S/O who takes antidepressants.

Darling, you are literally my breath of fresh air. My brain has been rotting so much lately from Mouthwashing (Hear me out on Swansea) and my "great" grades that I simply lost the strength to write anything and the craving for Omori for a while, but now, it has returned a little, and I will try to write a little more, but the key word is: try. Also, I apologize in advance for the mistakes, since I still use a translator to write posts, since I do not trust myself and my level of English, LMAO. And do not worry! I don’t really have any triggers for anything, and even if I do, I usually meet them, trying to work through them (Oh well, I just like to study myself, in any case, I have already worked through most of them), so I will take your request anyway! To put it simply, I do everything except illegal or romanticized things (Example: Pedophilia (adult Character x child reader), zoophilia, Yandere romanticization, necrophilia romanticization, drug romanticization, etc.). In any case, I will update the list. (Also, sorry for the delay, preparing for the New Year, etc.). I did not add Mari, because I think that in the dream world, it is unlikely that Omori had anyone suffer right in front of him. But if necessary, I will make her separately. Merry Christmas from Russia! (We still have 3 hours and 24 minutes until Christmas)

Characters: RW Omori gang (Hero, Kel, Sunny, Basil, Aubrey.)

TW: GN! reader, antidepressants, diagnosed depression, romantic relationships, action takes place after Mari's death, foul language, drug references.

Hero

•Well, you must have strong antidepressants, since Hero didn't notice any hints of depression in you at first.

•It would seem, how could he not recognize his comrade in misfortune?

•Of course, after Mari's death, he fell into obvious depression of the 3rd or 4th degree.

•He didn't eat, didn't drink, didn't even wash, he simply didn't have the strength.

•He didn't have the strength for anything, but the incident with his younger brother Kel made him at least try to rethink his condition and his thoughts a little.

•He was a fucking egoist, thinking that he was the only poor and unhappy one here.

•But he wasn't alone.

•Mari's parents, her brother, their friends, he wasn't the only sufferer here.

•So Hero tried to get out of the endless pit of despondency and depression, without a psychotherapist and magic pills.

•But it is almost impossible to get rid of depression, you can only hold it back for a while or run away from it, but sooner or later it will come and take root in the brain if you do not return to proper treatment.

•He needed a goal, at least some kind of one, so that he could at least stay alive for something, so as not to hear all the thoughts that his brain sent.

•But what did he want himself?

•To study, and live his whole life with Mari.

•Can he do it?

•No.

•And what do his parents want?

•For him to become a successful doctor and be the pride of the family.

•That is the ideal goal.

•From that moment until now, Hero has been studying with all his might to become an excellent doctor, thanks to which he began to go into remission.

•That is when he met you, at that very moment.

•Sweet, kind, cheerful and funny, always sees the positive in everything.

•That is exactly how he saw you.

•If he started to remember, he could swear that you were always happy, because he had never seen any emotion on your face except joy and tenderness.

•Honestly, it was even scary, but Hero didn’t really notice it.

•Thanks to you, he crawled out of the web of despair and depression more intensively.

•But what he didn’t expect was that you would also be depressed, like him.

•But there was one thing that distinguished you: You were undergoing treatment, taking antidepressants and seeing a psychiatrist, and he was not.

•It happened completely by accident.

•He was visiting you at home while he was waiting for you to get ready for a walk.

•Your room was not the cleanest in the world, but it was clearly better than his room during that very period of depression.

•He was studying your room and accidentally stumbled upon something on your desk.

•Some kind of box with pills.

•He thought that these were vitamins, because it was autumn, and it was necessary to support immunity.

•But as soon as he read the text, his eyes widened in surprise.

•"Antidepressants. Sold only by prescription!"

•You were in the same situation as him, only you were undergoing treatment.

•How could he not notice this? He had been in the same situation just a couple of years ago!

•The eyes cannot see everything, and this means that the antidepressants worked very well and helped.

•He put the pills back, and as soon as you returned to the room, Hero hugged you tightly, pressing you to himself.

•Maybe you didn’t understand anything, but Hero didn’t care anymore.

Kel

•Kel is not the smartest guy, sometimes slow-witted, but clearly not a dumbass.

•Moreover, Kel himself is like that.

•He is always cheerful for others, trying to help everyone and reunite everyone, refusing to help himself.

•Maybe no one really cared about him and he was neglected, but this does not mean that he cannot care for others.

•Give what he himself never had.

•However, since he did not have it, his support and care can sometimes be... Awkward.

•Kel has not been able to choose his words correctly since childhood, speaking directly, and in general first speaking, and only then thinking and realizing that he yelped at all.

•Although, it is quite cute to watch him try.

•In general, for all the time he spent with you, he never once thought that something was wrong with you.

•Or maybe he didn't want to accept it.

•Can a rather cheerful and sweet person rot in bed while his brain rots through and through from terrifying thoughts?

•Of course he can.

•His jaw dropped when he found out that you were taking antidepressants.

•Honestly, he himself didn't really notice that you and he were quite similar in this.

•Yes, sometimes he gets sad, and very sad, but he wrote it all off to autumn, the weather, fatigue, anything but depression.

•Moreover, do you think that his parents would take him to a psychiatrist? Oh please.

•Moreover, he thinks that he doesn't deserve it.

•His task since childhood was to make everyone happy, well, that was in second place, of course, in first place was the task of growing up and being taller than his older brother.

•He won't stand on ceremony or choose his words like his older brother Hero.

•He'll ask directly, even if the topic wasn't about that.

•Then it's your choice whether to open up to him or brush him off.

Sunny

•I think Sunny would be the first to know about it, but he would keep quiet.

•He is always quiet and calm, but his ears work very well, as does his brain.

•He sees all the signs, but he keeps quiet.

•He sometimes sees your false lies in your smile, he sees how your eyes run away from him and how you try to hide your negative emotions from him.

•You can’t suppress emotions, no matter what, it can end very badly, he knows.

•In the world of dreams, he made you happy, the one who is already truly happy, the one who does not hide her negative emotions from him, sincere.

•He does not complain that you can hide your sadness and other negativity from him, he understands that you do not want to burden him.

•He believes that if you want, then you yourself will tell him everything and express it.

•You understand, he is not a telepath, he cannot read minds.

•Of course, he worries about you, he loves you after all.

•And to understand that you are simply rotting, and your brain is being eaten away by terrible thoughts, like a tumor, makes him feel sad and helpless.

•At first, he could only guess, but when he finally saw you taking antidepressants, everything fell into place and his guesses were confirmed.

•He will not say, he will never say anything, it is not his style.

•Moreover, unlike his best friend Kel, Sunny understands that this topic is quite delicate for you.

•He will pretend that everything has remained the same as before, but with small particles of care for you.

•He was in the same state as you, but he escaped into sleep.

•Sometimes he will help with household chores, somewhere he will hug, somewhere else he will show affection and care.

•Of course, you can only guess what is the reason for such increased affection from your boyfriend.

•But he will not say anything, he will remain silent.

Basil

•He probably wouldn't even think about it, and even if he did, he wouldn't fully believe it until you told him straight to his face.

•Honestly, he wouldn't even think about it, he was alone for so long, keeping a terrible secret to himself, carrying this burden only on his shoulders.

•Of course, he wouldn't even think about it, he would just enjoy you and your company.

•He would speak out to you, lying next to you, burying his face in your stomach, chest or shoulder and snuggling like a homeless kitten.

•Can you call him selfish? Yes, but is it his fault? He spent 4 years alone, and then suddenly a person appeared who loves him and is ready to listen to him.

•That's why he didn't even think about the fact that you might feel bad.

•As soon as he found out that you were actually taking antidepressants, you would know how ashamed he was.

•You felt so bad, and he was still complaining to you, burdening you.

•He just wanted to bury himself somewhere deep, hide from everyone.

•As soon as he finds out about this, his behavior will clearly change.

•At first, he will become clearly sad, of course, he will try to hide it, but it does a terrible job.

•He will clearly be all awkward, trying to help you with everything to get rid of the feeling of guilt, but because of the same feeling of guilt, he does not want to impose himself, and believes that he is not worthy of even looking at you.

•So you will immediately understand that something is wrong.

•But you will have to directly extort from him what happened, since he will not want to tell you everything.

•As a result, you will have to calm him down, and not he you.

Aubrey

•This is where it gets tricky.

•She's quite protective and aggressive.

•She's always ready to protect those she loves, and you're her top priority.

•She would have thought at first that you were just an innocent and cheerful person who needed to be protected from the rot in this world.

•The way you enjoy the little things, help others, and respond with kindness even to the most terrible insults.

•It all made her think that there are kind souls in the world who are untainted by anything.

•She was wrong.

•When she saw you taking some pills, she first thought that you were just sick, but then darker thoughts started to creep into her head.

•Honestly, she thought that you were just taking drugs.

•Well, that would have explained why you were always so cheerful and kind.

•In fact, she doesn't really trust cheerful and kind people, especially tactile ones.

•Thanks to her mother and other relatives, she has had the idea since childhood that all cheerful and kind adults are just drunks, ready to commit horrific acts for a bottle of vodka.

•Running up to you and grabbing your hand, she raised it, looking at you with anger and fear.

•And just as she wanted to yell at you, accuse you of everything possible, her gaze darted to the name.

•"Antidepressants."

•Antidepressants?...

•She was clearly in shock, in very strong shock.

•Not right away, but she let go of your hand, looking at you with distrust and surprise.

•She didn't even have words.

•What the fuck should she say!?

•All she could do was just come up to you and hug you tightly, pressing you to herself.

•She may not have had words, but she clearly had hands and the ability to touch you.

•Yes, she was not used to tactility, and she did not like it, but for your sake she was ready to step over herself.

[anexperimentallife]

Breathing a little easier, so the bronchitis is getting better, but had a rough night. See, I have a herniated esophagus, and unless I eat graham crackers or something similar to fill the cavity before taking pills, they often end up in there instead of in my stomach. Then I press a couple points a few times to get most of the graham cracker out of there.

When a pill DOES get stuck, I press the same points, but pills tend to be stickier, less flexible, and more prone to partially dissolving, so that doesn't always work. (It's especially nasty to get a fish oil capsule stuck there, because YUCK!)

Yeah, so anyway, last night I thought, "Oh, I'm too fucking tired for this. I'll just swallow these SEVEN PILLS very carefully, because the graham cracker is too much trouble. Surely I'll realize if anything gets stuck!"

Narrator voice: "But he did not, friends, realize when some of the pills got stuck."

So yeah, after a couple of hours of coughing and wheezing with no relief, I was finally like, "Oh, wait a minute," and did my little throat-pressy trick only to taste the bitterness of partially dissolved medication in the back of my throat.

So that's why @thesurestthing ended up getting up in the wee hours to heat up soup for me and bring me Pocari Sweat so that I could do the "swallow a sip, press on the throat spot" thing repeatedly until I got all of the medication slurry out of my medical anomaly.

Of course, by then my ribs and abs were sore from coughing (and friends, my abs are HELLA strong, so that took some doing), and I'm still messed up.

Someday things will stop happening, and I'll be able to afford to get that fixed.

Frustrating aside: I once tried to explain to a smug doctor how things (food, medication, etc.) get stuck at the hernia--WHICH I HAVE PICTURES OF FROM A CAMERA ANOTHER DOCTOR SNAKED DOWN MY THROAT--while the dumbass just kept repeating, "Pills don't really get stuck in people's throats; they just sometimes leave a lingering bitter taste on the way down--when that happens, eat a piece of banana and it'll go away." And I remember thinking to myself, "This guy clearly got his MD from the bottom of a Cracker Jacks box," and I never spoke to him again.

In the good news department, my fever is gone! Hopefully for good!

[mxflowercheck]

Adira&Tilly thing that was in my head for some time

Not beta read like AT ALL

- Hey there?

Tilly leans other a console to look at Adira. They’re curled up almost under it, hugging their knees and staring into nothing.

- Lieutenant Stamets and Doctor Culber won’t be pleased with you staying up late, you know, right? Maybe move to..somewhere they don’t work.

- You’re also staying up late - Adira mumbles, not looking up, but also not tensing or outright sassing Tilly off. That’s a good sign.

- I am, technically, not a crew member anymore. Just visiting while you’re docking. - she keeps her tone light, but allows longing to slip into it. Adira hates being belittled. - So they can scold me, sure, but…i have an escape route.

There’s a huff and then silence. Light, familiar rumble of ships systems. Tilly waits a minute, shifts uncomfortably and tries again.

- Wanna talk about it?

Adira silent for another minute, swaying back and forth a bit.

- Yes. Yes I do. - they look up, and here it is - the firm, determined stare, Adira’s signature. Tilly gives them a slightly awkward smile and sits near them, cross-legged.

- So? Venting? Gossiping? Both? One and then the other to get distracted? I can bring ice cream.

Adira giggles, still looking at the floor. Tilly can see now that their cheeks are still wet from tears. She doesn’t ask even though she wants to bury anyone who made their…well, sibling, feel like this.

- None, i guess? I…It’s about Trill. The symbiont. Gray. - they smile fondly at their boyfriend’s name. - It’s…hard.

- Yeah, i can imagine. I had a parasite in me once - not that Trill is a parasite, but you get the idea, something existing in you. Creepy as hell.

- You did? - their eyebrows shot up and they finally looked at Tilly. - W- How did *that* happen?

- Oh, long story. It’s how we got Hugh back! I tell you later. For now it’s about you - she pokes them with an elbow lightly, - not about me.

- Wow. Okay. - Adira giggles nervously, rubbing their neck. - Can i..can i ask? How did you understand you want to be a teacher?

- Pretty sure you were there. Remember? The arguing cadets, near-death experience?

- Yep, i do. - they scoffed. - I mean..after it? Like, you wanted to be a captain for years! How did you..

- Make that incredible leap? - Tilly smiles and sighs. - Will you throw a screwdriver at me if i give an inspirational speech?

- This time - no. But! - their raise a finger. - only this time.

- Okay, okay. - she laughs and leans back on the console. - I..I mean, when i think about it, I never wanted to be Captain. Shit, when Saru left me in charge..I thought I’d throw up even hours later. It was..awful. But being in charge of this group of cadets wasn’t. And i..at some point it hit me - my mom..my mom is not here. She won’t see me as a Captain. And suddenly it felt pointless. I..I didn’t want to be Captain, i wanted to prove I can. I wanted to be like famous Captains. But now…i have no one to prove this to. And i’m already brave and smart and loyal and- I can be that without being Captain. Maybe I don’t need to try to fit into these shoes, maybe I need shoes that allow me to be myself! To be Tilly. Because i want to be a lot of things I’m not. And maybe will never be. But i can be me.

Adira looks at her in silence, something mixed in their eyes. Sadness. Anger. Confusion.

- Firstly, it was actually very sad. Secondly, - they sigh, hiding their faces in their hands, - I don’t know who i am. What’s me and what’s Tal and what’s Gray’s memories. Where’s Adira. And who should i be? Like..you, you have a goal! You want to be a pretty good person. I want to.. - they stumble upon their own words, their hands shake a bit. - I don’t know.

Tilly moves closer to them, presses their shoulders together, wraps an arm around Adira, pulling them closer. Hugs always help, don’t they?

- You know what, I give up on speeches. How do you feel about a bit of music?

- Um. Fine, i guess? Why?

- There’s a song. - Tilly taps her badge, summoning the holo-PADD. - Really old. Like, it was old even in our time. But i love it, and it kinda has the message I’m trying to get to you.

She doesn’t scroll for a long time - the songs is almost on top of “recently listened”. Tilly opens the text and presses play.

I wish I was big, as big as my house

I'd sleep on the trees, I'd skip every crowd

But I wouldn't fit on my therapist's couch

God, I could really use him now

I wish I was God, I'd never trip up

And if I did, well, so fuckin' what?

I could be cruel and break all your stuff

Yeah, I'd be loved no matter what

But if I was God, it'd get kinda weird

'Cause you would only say what I wanna hear

And then you would die, you'd love me to death

I'd never know who the hell I am

I wish I was me, whoever that is

I could just be and not give a shit

Hey, I'll be whatever makes you a fan

'Cause I don't know who the hell I am

Adira listens attentively and soons gets what Tilly wanted to say. For reason it feels…gut-wrenching. It feels right. It feels like their scream, their words. They don’t notice tears running down their face. They cry shamelessly, but smile broadly, and Tilly pulls them into a tight hug, her curls everywhere, blocking the world around.

- The point is…does it matter, who you are? It’s you, Adira. And you have Paul, and Hugh, and me, and Gray.

- I can just be and not give a shit - they laugh through tears, hugging her back.

- Exactly.

[serinoodles]

Pulse; Off Key.

Where you get to fight the echo of a life you never lived.

Notes: Read on ao3. Warnings/Tags: f! reader.

Chapter 1: Confusion.

I have always been a cranky person, in an insufferable way... I used to harm others a lot, not intentionally but that's who I am! I act intrusively and care less about the consequences, I am not responsible for their sensitive hearts, we live in harsh world anyway, they should get used to it.

I am never used to the feeling of guilt, so I will ignore that feeling in my heart for now. I am no good to anyone but to my loved ones, like Kim Jun-hee.

I love saying her whole name, not to be formal or anything, but it gives me such a beautiful feeling, I mean saying it and stopping a each part for a second...

Kim~ Jun~ hee~, I love her.

~

''What do you mean you are feeling weird?'', asked my friend Dae-ho while I sighed on the other line of the call, massaging my forehead. I peeked at my feet resting on top of my desk, I raised my eyebrows in confusion looking at my grey socks, I felt horrible!

''Grey is a good color, what could be wrong with it?''

''We were talking about weirdness, who brought up the subject of the grey color?''

I chuckled at myself, ''Ah- you know, it's about Jun-hee. I don't feel that rush and excitement when I see her anymore, I don't feel like I want to hug her the same as before''

''Are you joking? what a disaster!''

Irritated, my eyebrows frowned to his sarcasm. ''I am talking seriously so take me seriously! How could you 'love' someone you don't feel excited about seeing? not miss them nor you feel in heaven around them?''

''You love me, but do you feel that towards me?''

I rolled my eyes, ''I will hang up''

''Wait, wait! I was joking. Your relationship with Jun-hee is perfect, so be sure of what you are feeling, it could be just a normal phase of boredom, aren't you supposed to go through all of that to make sure that it is real love?''

''These are too much feelings to process, so I won't believe any of it, I'll just sleep it away''

''be careful'', his tone serious yet playful.

''I said I'll just ignore it, not that big of a deal''

''Wish you a weird night'', he hung up after he spoke.

Weird? Why weird? I stood up, looking at my socks again. Everything is really weird!

~

''What do you mean we ran out of mango juice? How am I supposed to have my meal? What is that? Orange juice!''

''Lee Myung-gi! Maybe you should consider trying to look better for you to deserve some attention from Jun-hee, stay away''

''I made these cookies for you, I think I am falling for you.."

''Sorry, I am not into fake blondes, Move. Or maybe stay that way, you are shielding me from the sun''

My vision becomes blurry, bit by bit it gets clearer, white, that's all I see. I realized I could be still in the hospital to make sense of the white I see.. I fully opened my eyes after starting to get a grasp of the reality, I saw her sitting next to my bed, holding my hand with a smile on her face. Her silky short black hair framing her crying face, but she does not look sad. I smiled at my Jun-hee, trying to speak.

''What happened?''

''The doctor said that the transplant was successful, your body accepted the new heart''

I smiled faintly looking at her, it is not the right time to think about any possible complications or the donor who gave me their heart to live with. I just smiled because of the idea that I get to live longer by her side.

My gaze wondered around the hospital room to see my mother, sister, my friend and other relatives, I hate these moments so I just pretended to be asleep.

~

I sat on my bed after remembering my first interaction with Jun-hee, I was just released from the hospital after I spent a whole month in there so it is normal to remember such things.. I feel confused, I shouldn't be thinking much, 'I miss my bed'.

I thought while laying on my beloved bed, and since spring has just came by, the weather was still chilly with some cloudy days. I decided to sleep without a blanket so I could enjoy this lovely weather.

I took a glance at my work uniform, I really miss the police station and work, I am not crazy, but laying still the whole time wasn't fun.

I noticed the black blanket my body rested on top of. Black!

I felt suffocated moving my shirt's collar left and right, trying to breathe. Should I consider therapy? I am scared.

No! Stop thinking! Stop. Just sleep, you deserve some rest..

I closed my eyes trying to visualize a white image to help me fall asleep faster, but all I could recall was me falling asleep whispering; Black, Black, Black...

~

The way I woke up wasn't regular, I jumped towards my closet to get my uniform with a smile. I glanced at myself in the mirror giggling at my messy hair, I ran my fingers through it talking to myself.

''hey popular girl, rise and shine gorgeous''

I caught myself off guard, am I smiling on a work-day morning? Where I will get to see Myung-gi and listen to Dae-ho's nonsense.. Maybe that's why I miss work in the first place.

After I applied my lipstick I ran downstairs, I closed my eyes enjoying the sound of my footsteps on the wooden floor. I stopped when I was met with the breakfast table, my steps quickened to have a seat, a smile never leaving my face. ''good morning!''

Suddenly all eyes on me.

''mom, did we bring someone else from the hospital?'', that was my annoying sister; Young-Mi. I ignored her admiring the food in front of me, I said excitingly.

''Oh, is that orange juice?''

My mom answered pouring a glass for Young-Mi, ''yes, we ran out of mango juice''

''yes! more juice for me'', said my sister.

My eyes stayed on the bottle of orange juice, and didn't focus on what my mom and sister were talking about, I grabbed the bottle and poured myself a full glass, I held it with both of my hands drinking it with enjoyment, I put it down after chugging the whole thing, I licked my lips enjoying as much orange flavor as possible. I opened my eyes to see the shock in their eyes.

What? Orange juice is awesome!

~

I made my steps towards the police station with my hands in my pockets and the breeze messing with my hair, that I took half an hour styling it. I refused to wear any coat even if it was a purple pilot jacket, purple??

My mom insisted on me to wear a coat but I refused, and now I feel guilty for doing so.

Oh my, what a feeling overload this morning, I feel guilty but I don't regret not wearing a coat.

Hello! Spring just came in, who would wear a coat at this time?

The greetings of my colleagues got me out of my zoning out, I waved my hands greeting them back with a smile I don't usually have, not in mornings neither at work.

Suddenly I felt a heavy weight on my shoulder, my smile faded into pure annoyance, Dae-ho!

I moved away from him, who does he thing he is? My Jun-hee? I sighed pushing his shoulder with my fist. ''You almost broke my shoulder you idiot''

''sorry princess'', he laughed, ''so, are you excited to see Jun-hee? Are you?''

I just rolled my eyes, lazy to answer his question. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and walked towards our desks. My eyes noticed the guy passing by us. ''Good morning Myung-gi!'', his hands were in his pockets, he barely looked at me, ignoring my existence, and kept walking his way.

I could feel Dae-ho's hands shaking my body, ''have you lost your mind? you were trying to piss him off, tell me that was your intention!''

I looked at him trying to process what he said to me, my eyebrows frowned in confusion.

What is wrong with me, that's not me...

I could feel a body hugging me from behind, ''I missed you so much~''

I smiled recognizing my girlfriend's voice, I turned my body to face her, pecking a kiss on her cheek, ''I miss you more my love''

she spoke fixing my stray hair strands, ''the chief asked for me, see you later'', I nodded then she walked away, ''Let's-''

I stopped talking when I noticed his weird glances at me, ''tell me, are you sick? is there something wrong going on?''

''Now what?'', I crossed my arms.

''This is not you usual smile when you see Jun-hee, it's usually more bright''

I scoffed, ''do you know me better than myself? mind your business''

I walked away leaving him in complete confusion, absolutely feeling confused more than him.

I sat on my desk playing with the pen between my finger in total boredom, some colleagues gathered asking about my surgery, the conversations went well, ignoring the pain in my chest.

The day went normally, I made my way back to my desk after the lunch break, I feel so much pain in my chest, I know it is not my heart. Well I am sure! I mean my heart is fine and the doctor insured that, it's something that falls under the category of feelings. Love, to be more precised.

Jun-hee is around me, why do I feel such hurt?

I took a deep breath tying my hair up, totally frustrated. I bumped into someone, some papers fell on the ground. ''Sorry, Myung-gi'', I got down to gather the papers.

''Sorry?'', my eyes widened to his mocking, I looked at the papers I gathered.. What do I do now?

I stood up quickly throwing whatever I had in his hands and walked faster to my desk, trying to ignore everyone's glances.

I opened the top button of my shirt trying to get some air, I feel like suffocating!

I glanced at my right to see Dae-ho pointing at the door, asking for me to follow him, I stood up following him outside, I walked slowly and noticed him for him to push me until my back rested on the wall behind me. I looked at him in surprise, he said angrily; ''what in the hell is wrong with you? Have you lost your mind?''

''I think I miss someone''

Notes: Back with another fic, this one is pretty juicy and has major events. Hope you enjoy it~

[22ayla21]

Teasing Kartein is Kayden's favorite activity, which you decided to kindly borrow. After that, Kartein regretted introducing you to Kayden.

You are an extraordinary person in yourself with an unruly character, which annoyed Kartein very much, and your jokes made him even more angry, but after a while he got so used to them that when you were calm, it seemed to Kartein that this was either the calm before the storm, or you had something it happened on the psychological front.

But let's go back to the present time, where you woke up in the morning and are trying to figure out what kind of situation you got into. To be more precise, to lie on the bare floor of the blanket, and next to the same naked Kartain slept.

“It seems like I didn’t drink yesterday, but I don’t know how I ended up in such a situation...”

[Last night]

Since you are Kartein's personal assistant, it is clear that you live in his residence. Perhaps it was confusing at first, but over time I got used to it.

The clock showed 09:00 pm. You were already going to sleep after taking a shower. You wrapped myself in a towel and was about to dry my hair when I heard a voice behind me.

- You would get dressed, at least for the sake of decency. There's no need to walk around here naked.

- You're a doctor, and you know all the charms of female anatomy, why do you react so much to a naked body?

- Maybe my specialty is not female anatomy after all?

- Or are you just shy?~

Pretending that you were supposedly taking off your towel, you could see how Kartein blushed very much from this and twitched. The next thing that was heard in the room was your loud laughter.

- Ah-ah-ah! Blushed like a virgin during puberty! - and again loud laughter throughout the room.

This time Kartein blushed with anger, but certainly not from embarrassment.

[Present]

Yeah, calling him a virgin during puberty was not the best idea, because he then proved the opposite to you all night. And the main thing in this whole situation is that you don't actually have any feelings for each other, at least that's what you thought.

- Good morning, sleeping beauty ~

While you remembered yesterday's events, Kartein managed to wake up and laugh about the whole situation.

- Well, you have a kind one, but I don't. My whole body is aching after last night ...

- And there was nothing to call me a virgin yesterday, maybe then I would have been more gentle ~

- It's hard to believe ...

An awkward silence has fallen over you. It seemed like both wanted to say something, but no one knew how to start this conversation. After all, you were braver than him and started a conversation.

- And what about our partnership relations?.. I don't think I will be able to pretend that this did not happen.

Kartein was silent for a couple of minutes until he answered the question:

- Believe it or not, but I've been sympathetic to you for a long time. Of course, you annoyed me at times and I even had time to regret introducing you to Kayden because of the frequent jokes, but you are the only one who understands me from half a word, knows how to find an approach when I'm not in the mood. You never needed my healing abilities and I am very comfortable with you, but over time I realized that I no longer sympathize with you, but really love...

- ...

- You don't have to say anything, I still didn't expect you to reciprocate.

Kartein got out of bed and was about to leave when you left him.

- Wait!

- What is it?

- I reciprocate your feelings. Maybe I don't fully love yet, but that doesn't mean that you can't give a chance. Maybe it will still work out if we try?

Kartein smiled at your words and kissed you on the forehead in response.

- Well, we have plenty of time to establish relations and learn more about ourselves.

[liptonsbabe]

Blood all along

Eugene Roe x fem! reader

Inktober "Snow"

Warnings: Mentions of death, blood, war, the usual in this fandom(?.

a/n: well hello! This is a little something that I did for the inktober! I'm not an artist but I thought it would be cute to write a few fics for our favorite boys on this month! Hope you like it!

Btw English is not my frst language so tell me if something's wrong

ofc this is based on the hbo series and the actors who portray the characters, no disrespect for the real heroes!

You hissed in pain as you disinfected the wound on your leg. You were lucky, the bullet had only grazed your skin and the only thing you had to deal with was trying to stop the bleeding that was staining the snow beneath you red.

Bastogne was being a complete nightmare, the air support that arrived a few days ago was not enough and the battalion's medical team was having serious problems helping all the wounded men.

Having to digging in right along the line and repel the German attacks was the worst moment of the war so far and having lost so many soldiers in such a short time was a very strong blow for everyone.

Malarkey, Muck, Penkala and you were inseparable since Toccoa and losing two of your best friends in the same night was so painful for you, especially cause you trained so hard to become a doctor and still couldn't do anything for them. Don talked to you right after what happened, making sure you were okay, but the truth was that he was just or worse affected than you were, and even if Donald Malarkey always knew what to say to lift others' spirits, at that moment the words were stuck on his lips. The only thing he could do was stay by your side, silent and holding your hand tightly.

Everyone in the company noticed your change in attitude after Muck and Penkala's death. Somehow you turned lonely, quiet, and your hands shook when you were near the soldiers' wounds, something that didn't go unnoticed by Eugene Roe, who asked you to step away from the line for a while and try to forget everything that had happened in the last few days.

But forgetting was impossible. Even if your friends hadn't died, you could never forget the warm, viscous feeling of blood on your hands, the smell of gunpowder filling the air or the screams of pain you heard every day, at every second. Now, every time you closed your eyes, the images of the wounded soldiers appeared among a dark cloud that slowly grew bigger and bigger, trying to choke you.

You hissed again, the cold making the wound on your exposed leg sting terribly. You took some alcohol from your backpack and soaked the gauze with it to disinfect the bullet graze. You smiled a little, remembering how you had gotten hurt.

If you had found the third battalion sooner, Babe wouldn't have fallen into that Kraut's foxhole and you wouldn't have to run through the woods with gunfire hot on your heels. It was kind of fun tho, but your leg was swollen like hell.

You heard footsteps approaching your position and without thinking twice you grabbed the knife that you always carried on your belt. You waited for the shadow to become clearer in the snow to attack, but then you recognized the silhouette and relaxed your body.

Eugene walked towards you slowly. His nose was red from the cold and his hands were hidden in the pockets of his uniform. You put the knife aside and continued cleaning the blood. Eugene sat in front of you, noticing the red snow under your feet.

“(Y/N), you're hurt.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“Wait, I'm gonna help you,” he said and rushed to examine the swelling on your leg. You pushed him away “You should've come to me sooner.”

"It wasn't necessary. Don't worry, the bullet didn't hit me. At least not completely. Plus, I'm a doctor too, remember? I can take care of this by myself.”

"Doesn't matter. I wish you'd let me check you properly. Edward told me what happened.”

"Who?" You frowned, not understanding who he was referring to. Then you remembered that Eugene never called anyone by his nickname “Uh, Babe.”

“Yeah.”

“I asked him not to do it, I didn't want you to worry.”

“Well, no matter what happens, I will always worry about you” then he removed your hands from the wound and took the gauze carefully. Roe cleaned your wound and took the time to check that it was indeed a simple bullet graze. He put some ointment on it and blew on your swollen leg for a couple of seconds. You sighed cause the air from his mouth felt like a kiss on your skin and relieved the burning momentarily. You admired the firmness of his hands and the way the blood no longer scared him. He pulled a bandage out of his jacket and started wrapping it around your leg.

“Eugene, how can you stand it?”

He looked up for a second while continuing to manipulate the bandage. “What d'you mean?”

"I mean this. Still standing after everything that has happened."

Eugene stopped. His fingers rested on your bandaged leg and he thought hard for several seconds. He looked at you and could see how broken and tired you were.

"I pray. Sometimes"

“There must be something else” You sniffled, wanting to stop the tears. Eugene sighed, “Something that makes you feel like it's worth staying here.”

“I think there is always something good at the end of the road. I think that… beyond this forest, beyond this frozen hell… there's something that gives purpose to what we are doing. And I hold on to the thought that everything I love will be there when I come back” he said and caressed your cheek “And maybe, with a little luck, I can convince you to come home with me” You laughed through your tears and Eugene squeezed your hand gently. “I'm sorry about Muck and Penkala. I know you feel guilty for not being able to help them, but I'm convinced that they believed firmly in you, and that if it had been different, you'd be there, trying 'til the very end.

Your tears were uncontrollable and Eugene hugged you tightly, he let your pain come out of your chest and let your tears be carried away by the heavy snow that fell from the sky. Roe stroked your hair and kissed the top of your head.

“Everything's gonna be okay and i promise you that I'm gonna take you home,” he whispered in your ear. “I promise, (Y/N), I do promise.”

[horseshoegirl]

Damn Those Dog Tags: Part 13 - Sons & Daughters

📜This one is going to hurt... 😬 Depending on how you think... I challenged myself with this one as it's almost all from Sadie's POV.

Also, do you guys listen to the songs at all? Just curious 😂

❗+18, strong language, godmother reader/original female character, original child, name-calling and implying some derogatory things, mentions of concussions, Angst, Protective Dagger Squad, mostly from Sadie's POV.

#6.5k words

Part 12 | Masterlist | Part 14

The first thing Sadie thought when she woke up in the morning was that she had never had a headache like this one.

She had nothing to compare it to. This wasn't a soccer ball to the face or a cold with a bad stuffed-up nose. This type was the one that made your eyes water in pain, the kind where your headband was just too tight, but there was no headband for her to remove. The type to create intrusive thoughts about hitting your head off a wall to see if that would fix it.

On top of that, she was exhausted from her Uncle Jake waking her up throughout the night, ensuring she could still wake up. And each time he did, she had trouble falling back asleep.

When you came to wake her up in the morning, a smile on your face, she couldn't stop her tears from escaping due to the pain. She could handle a lot, but headaches were her weakness. And your reaction only made it worse, Sadie not wanting to add more to your plate, as a frown graced your face.

Whether the question of if she was feeling okay, physically or emotionally, was going to cross your lips, Sadie didn't want to know.

She groggily sat up, trying to bury her face into your neck, clinging to you tightly and whimpering, "It's my head."

Something about just holding on to you soothed the pain. Sadie could remember the doctor telling her before leaving the hospital that she would feel worse on the second day. She thought he had been stupid to say that; nothing could have been worse than what her entire family just went through.

Then she understood what he meant. However, he should have paid better attention to his choice of words.

Sadie tried to hide her whines as you stood, carrying her out of her bed and into the bathroom, where you single handily searched for the bottle of pain meds as she clung to you.

Uncle Jake was working a wooden spoon through a bowl of batter in the kitchen when he saw Sadie in your arms. He frowned and immediately dropped the spoon, walking over to the pair of you and placing a hand resting on Sadie's back.

"It's her head," you spoke quietly, kissing her forehead. Jake took the bottle of meds from your hand without saying anything else, pressing a kiss to the side of your head, saying quietly, "Go sit. I'll get everything ready."

Sadie didn't pay any attention to what was happening after you sat down with her in your lap. Uncle Jake brought over two pills and a glass of orange juice at some point, and you coaxed her into the chair next to you to take them.

But she was impatient, waiting for those nasty things to work, pressing her head into her arms as if the small amount of darkness would help. Then Uncle Jake placed a packet of ice on her neck, and she wanted to cry from the relief.

The awful bandage came off after she started to feel slightly better, you sitting behind her at the kitchen table as you worked the thing loose. Uncle Jake was at the stove, flipping pancakes, laughing at the faces Sadie was making as you tugged one way or pulled the other.

After living off hospital food almost all day yesterday, the pancakes did wonders for her stomach. But she was more pleased to see Uncle Jake smiling and laughing with you at the kitchen table as everyone ate. How he made her laugh and feel happy, despite everything that happened.

Uncle Jake just fit in.

And that was the thing with you and Uncle Jake. Neither of you babied her. Sadie knew she could always come to you with anything; she just had to say the word. And it only took shared looks with Uncle Jake to know he was an option as well, constantly checking in with a knowing smile and Sadie nodding to let him know she was doing okay.

But she didn't want to think about everything just yet.

After breakfast, however, was a constant cycle of boredom. Sadie didn't know how to cope. You told her she couldn't look at a screen, and while she understood, she was bored. This was different from when it was the flu or a cold, and she got to stay home from school. She could huddle on the couch, play her Switch, or watch a movie during those times. Despite loving to read, she could only stare at the pages for so long before the words ran into each other.

Or her head started to pound again.

Uncle Jake tried to help, sitting with her outside while you curled up in one of the chairs, reading a book in between answering phone calls. Sadie hadn't seen you with a book in a long time, that book in particular, and she wondered what convinced you to pick it back up again. But she liked the fact you did, watching you turn every page with eager intent, lost in the world described in the pages.

Until she fell asleep against her Uncle Jake, who was content to let her be until two hours had passed and she needed to be woken up again.

She honestly just wanted him to let her sleep.

Then the Daggers had called, more Auntie Nat than any of them, to ask if they could bring dinner over. When they arrived, she hugged everyone slightly longer than usual, not that they seemed to mind. Even if she had to put up with the same questions from all of them, Sadie honestly just wanted her family close by.

But there was something off about her Uncle Roo.

He barely said a word to her when he walked through the front door. And his hug wasn't as warm or nearly as tight. And after dinner, with everyone in the backyard, she was beginning to worry. She could tell he was mad as she feigned sleep, lying up against Uncle Jake on the bench to avoid answering another, "Are you doing okay?"

He hadn't stopped staring at her once. Or at you, for that matter. His eyes tracked every movement you made in the backyard, from refilling a water jug to nibbling on a piece of food. Or every conversation.

Every time you to came over and spoke with Uncle Jake.

It was weird, she thought.

And she wanted to find out why.

Despite her headache going away, being around everyone made her exhausted. And she suddenly felt the urge to be alone. She excused herself from the backyard, asking if she could lie in her room for a minute, everyone frowning. But you had let her go without complaint.

You always knew what she needed, and you never forced her to do something that made her uncomfortable.

Rooster had been there for her when she was struggling with the fact she wouldn't see her mom anymore. Maybe she was trying to let him approach her by going inside. She half expected him to follow her inside, or there might have been a moment when she would have pulled him aside and asked if she could talk to him about what had happened. This shouldn't be any different than those times.

But he didn't follow her inside, and he really hadn't said a word to her all evening, unlike Auntie Nat or Uncle Bob, who had asked if she needed to vent.

She couldn't figure out what she did wrong.

It was making her upset.

Sadie lifted her from her pillow head to a knock at her bedroom door.

"Come in," she called out softly. Her door opened, revealing you on the other side, a sad smile on your face.

"Hey," your voice was soft. "I just came to check on you. Everyone was worried."

Sadie put her head back on her pillow, glancing out her window. "I'm okay. Just tired. It's just a lot."

"Should we have not had everyone over? You're allowed to say no. No one would blame you."

She closed her eyes, moving her head back and forth against her pillow. "No, I wanted everyone here. It was just more than I thought it would be."

You stepped forward to sit beside her on the bed, hand reaching out to stroke at her leg top her covers. "You've been through more than anyone your age, Bug."

Sadie turned to look at you, instantly drawn to your eye. Your bruise had gotten darker and lighter, yellow patches adding themselves to the stains of the blue since she came home. Its presence on your face still haunted her, making her return to her belief that you or Uncle Jake wouldn't have gotten hurt if she had stayed in the bathroom. But then she'd remember what Uncle Jake had said, and she'd stop herself.

She knew even her mom would have come up with the right thing to say, which sounded exactly the same as everyone else had been telling her.

People were just sometimes bad.

"Am I supposed to buy the "It will make me stronger" speech people give me?" she wondered aloud. You squeezed her leg through her puffy green comforter, saying, "Not if you don't want it to."

Adjusting herself on her bed, she replied, "So if I wanted to be upset about it?"

You slid closer to her, and Sadie reached for your hand, threading her fingers through yours. You touched her cheek and answered, "It's okay to cry about what happened Bug. To be upset. Why do you think you can't be upset?"

"Because you and Uncle Jake got hurt. Because I don't want anyone else to worry about me. Because it will cause more problems, and I don't want you to be sad."

You gasped, crying, "Sadie, you're never a problem! Please don't ever think that! I'm only sad because I can't fix everything for you. I would do anything to make sure you're happy."

Sadie cried the second you said those words, releasing the pent-up emotions weighing her down since she woke up in that hospital bed.

Maybe she didn't need to talk to her Uncle Roo about these things.

You had been right here all along.

"Thank you for understanding, Aunt Liz," she sniffed, wiping her eyes. "And being there for me. For taking me in."

Laying beside her on her bed, you wrapped your arm around her side. "As if you were going to end up anywhere else than with me. That's nothing you have to thank me for, Bug."

She played to the edges of her comforter, the question burning on her lips. "Is he my birth-farther? The bad man."

Her mom had always said she had a father out there. One that left before she was born. She hadn't started putting everything together, the photos her mom had shown her, the warnings to stay away from that man, until after everything had happened and she had time to think about it when she was stuck in that hospital bed.

Sadie knew you would tell her the truth. You always did, even when she didn't want to hear it. You swallowed hard before nodding sadly. "Yeah, he is."

Sadie let go of the comforter, pushing it off her. "What does that mean for me? For us? I just... don't want anything to do with him."

"Well, hopefully, when the police catch him, he will go to jail. So we will never see him again. Your mom ensured that would never happen. He's not going anywhere near you."

"Really?"

You nodded. "Everyone outside would buzz the CPS building if that was even the slightest possibility too."

She giggled at that.

"So whether you like it or not, you're stuck with me. And those idiots outside."

Sadie huffed a small laugh, remarking, "Till I run off with a boy, right?"

You gasped, sitting up and remarking, "Sadie Beck, don't tell me you have a crush!"

Well, shoot, she really shouldn't have gone with that reply. You could always tell when she was hiding something.

Well, almost always.

"I'm almost eleven, Aunt Liz. Do I really need to be thinking about a boy right now?" she attempted to throw you off her trail, rolling her eyes. But you didn't relent, a knowing grin on your face.

"Not if it's Will your thinking about," you teased. Sadie squealed, rolling herself into her pillow.

Will had called her today asking if she was okay. She liked him more than she cared to admit. She was still too young even to consider having a boyfriend. But she liked the way he cared about her. It reminded her of how Uncle Jake cared about you. Then she realized, turning her head with a shout, "You and Uncle Jake's date got ruined!"

You chuckled softly. "It's nothing that can't be replanned. Besides, I think he likes spending time with the both of us anyway."

Sadie giggled, thinking back to this morning. "Don't let him flip the pancake pan again. And he needs to stop singing in the shower. I think it's making my head worse."

Something warm sparked in Sadie's chest at watching you finally laugh wholeheartedly after what seemed like the longest 24 hours of her life.

She liked seeing you laugh. You only ever did once Uncle Jake came around since her mom had left the two of you.

"Is it okay that Uncle Jake is staying here?" you asked her after a minute.

Sadie sat up in her bed, looking at you questionably. Uncle Jake had left just after lunch for a half hour, returning with a bag in hand. She hadn't questioned it. It made sense that he would stay with you two while the bad man was still out there.

She also didn't trust the police officer outside across the street in his car either. She had often peered out the front window to see him asleep in his front seat.

She nodded. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't know, with everything that has happened? The fact he and I.."

She didn't have to think twice about her answer. "I feel safe with him in the house."

You smiled. "So do I, Bug."

You were about to say something else when a loud shout echoed down the hallway, an f-bomb, as you had labelled on the swear jar in the kitchen. Sadie's eyes shot to her open door, and she quickly remarked, "Somebody needs to put money in the swear jar."

But this wasn't a slip of the tongue. More shouts and angry words were coming from different people. Sadie looked at you, wondering what to do. But you had gone stiff, your face emotionless as the both of you took in the fight.

You seemed to snap out of it when you heard Auntie Nat's voice shout Uncle Roo's name, and you finally looked back at her with worrisome eyes.

Sadie watched as you grabbed her oversized black headphones with puffy sides from her bedside table and quickly turned them on. You were biting your bottom lip as you placed them on her head, looking down at your phone and hitting play on a playlist. You squeezed her shoulder, mouthing 'stay' to her before you quickly exited her room, shutting the door behind you.

Sadie couldn't hear anything beyond the music playing in her ears. She could tell without looking at your phone screen that it was the playlist you had made for Saturday Nights.

She caught snippets of shouts and yells for a couple of songs when the music shuffled. She could hear you, Uncle Jake, Uncle Nat, and Uncle Roo, who was the loudest. At one point, she thought she even heard Uncle Bob raise his voice. That one shocked her the most - she had never heard him speak that loudly.

But after a while, she couldn't hear your voice in the mix while another song changed. Sadie reached up and pulled the headphones from her head, leaving them on her bed as she climbed off and to her door.

She didn't know why everyone was fighting but needed to know. If her suspicions had been right about Uncle Roo being mad about something, she needed to know why and if she could fix it.

She opened it carefully, not that anyone would have heard her with how loud it was and shut it closed behind her. The hallway was dark, save for a light coming from your bedroom. Tip-toeing across the hall, she pressed herself to the wall as she peered over the corner, spying on everyone standing at the entrance to the kitchen.

You weren't in the room with them anymore. And Sadie confirmed she had indeed been right about Roo being mad. Her first thought was that her comparison of how red as a Rooster he could get wasn't accurate. She needed something redder, maybe a lump of coal from the fire pit or the stuff inside the glass thermometer you kept in the backyard.

But then she started to question why he was mad and yelling. And, most importantly, why was everyone standing behind Uncle Jake and not Uncle Roo when she knew they didn't like him?

---

You didn't want to admit it as you left Sadie's room. But nothing would have gotten Rooster to react that badly had he not found out about you and Jake.

Rounding the corner of the hall, Nat stood between Rooster and Jake, her hand on Bradley's chest. She was pushing him away from Jake, who had his arms crossed and jaw clenched, staring him down.

The rest of the Daggers were spread out amongst your kitchen, caught between trying to figure out what the hell happened and wondering what side they would go to bat for.

"Bradley, what the hell was that?! Sadie is in her room!"

You shouldn't have said anything. Bradley's red-hot temper, face contorted in outrage, suddenly pinned you down. Pointing his finger at you, he stepped forward in your direction. Nat countering his movement, making sure to stand between you and him at all times.

"You liar!" he seethed.

You took a step back, slightly frightened.

"How long have you been sleeping with him? Since before we were deployed or after?!"

"I'm not sleeping with him!" you replied, your voice slightly brittle. Bradley scoffed, placing his hands on his hips. "Well, something is a little fucking fishy considering his bag is next to your bed in your room!"

You narrowed your eyes at him, your fist clenched. "You went into my room?!"

"Didn't need to when the door was wide open."

Some part of you wished you could have sat Bradley down and told him without fear of a reaction like this. But Bradley was unpredictable at best. And from what you knew of his relationship with Mav, he could hold a nasty grudge.

It wasn't as if you didn't feel bad about it. You didn't lie to him, but you didn't tell him the truth when you should have.

"You gave into him!" He shouted at you, looking at Jake and then back to you. "We told you! We warned you, Elizabeth! And you didn't listen to us."

Nat was the one to respond for you, recalling, "She made no such promise, Bradshaw. She told you to lay off and let her handle it."

But he didn't listen to her, too caught up with watching how you reacted to his words to even entertain any idea that didn't fit into what he believed to be fact.

"How quickly did he get between your legs?" he remarked heatedly.

"Rooster!"

Out of all the people you expected to shout, Bob certainly wasn't one of them. His southern drawl, normally soothing to the ear, was harsher than normal. He moved from his perch up against the wall next to your back door, coming to stand in line with Nat and Jake, "That was outta line!"

A part of you acknowledged he probably found out about your relationship with Jake from Nat. But he had been silent this whole time. He had never said a word about what he knew or thought.

"The number of times she's taken care of your ass, and this is how you treat her? You've got no business telling her what she can do."

"It's fucking Hangman, Bob! Are you all even thinking about what this will do to Sadie? When he leaves her out high and dry?" Bradley exclaimed. "She's going to wake up one day, and he's not going to be there, and she's going to be devastated. And for what?!"

Jake narrowed his eyes at him, "Not that it's any of your goddamn business, but she made me swear to put Sadie first."

Suddenly, everything clicked for Bradley, the pieces fitting together neatly.

"Jake wasn't randomly at the Hard Deck on Friday," he said. "He was seeing you."

You refused to look him in the eye, and Bradley's face twisted in hurt.

"So, this is it, huh? You've been seeing each other behind our backs this whole time? And decided to keep it from us."

You gripped your forearm tightly. Should you own up and let him know almost everyone knew but him? Could you explain or even convince him that everyone found out by themselves?

But the choice had been made for you when Rooster saw something in Nat's eyes that indicated not only had she known about it, she was and had been okay with it.

"You knew?!" Rooster yelled at her. Nat stood her ground, fierceness in her eyes as she remarked, "It wasn't my story to tell."

"Oh, this is just fucking rich. How many of you knew?"

Bob and Coyote turned away from Bradley, refusing to say anything that might give away what they knew. And while Fanboy and Payback might have only found out now, even knowing something had been going on between the two of you or assuming something would, given that Jake followed you into the kitchen that first Saturday night, they still hung their heads low like everyone else.

"How could you all?!" Bradley cried out, eyes tracking around the room. "You traitors!"

"Okay, you know what? I'm done!" you seethed, stepping around Nat and copying Bradley's stance. Jake reached for you, but you dodged his hand. Poking Bradley in the chest with your finger, you shouted, "What the fuck is your problem, Bradley?"

"He's my problem!"

"Jake is not the goddamn issue, and you fucking know it!" You yelled back at him. It was like a light switch had been flipped somewhere inside you, and all this anger suddenly rushed to the surface.

"Time and time again, you claim it's Sadie you are concerned about. But you change the conversation every time I press just a little bit further. Or you blame Jake, but something tells me that's your scapegoat for everything!"

You pushed at his chest, making him take two steps back. "And for what? Because he said something about your dad?"

Bradley's jaw twitched, and you knew you had struck a nerve.

"Oh, so it is that."

"Stay out of it, Liz," he murmured. But you didn't listen. You had enough, and you would find out the real reason here and now.

"You dragged Sadie and me right into it," you shot back. "So I'm going to drag it out for you. What is it?!"

Stalking forward, you glared Bradley down, continuing to step backwards as you dealt each verbal blow.

"Is it some longstanding grudge because Jake hurt your feelings?" you challenged. "Or Is it Jake replacing you in Sadie's life? Do you think that lowly of her to think she plays favourites? She's adored you since she met you!"

And then suddenly, you remembered what Sadie had said to Bradley the second she saw him on your sister's front porch. "Or does it have something to do with your mom?"

Bradley's temper broke loose.

"I watched her mourn my father every day, picking her off the floor because he wasn't there! I watched her cry out for him daily, barely functioning beyond her routine. Get up, make breakfast and shuffle me into the bus and off to school. She couldn't cope with his loss and his absence in her life. She loved him so much, and it wasn't enough to keep him here with her! No matter what I did, it was never enough! And when Jake does the same to you, I won't have Sadie live her childhood doing the same for you!

With everything Bradley admitted, you should have come up with a more compassionate response. But you were too hurt by the comparison to manage anything other than, "Grow the fuck up."

You had said it so scathingly and firmly that everyone pivoted and faced you. No one had ever heard you be that ruthless.

"I'm not your mom. And Sadie isn't your child where you can make choices for her. I've long wrestled with the idea that I'll never be able to protect her from everything in life but Jake?! He's not one of those things."

Tears welled in your eyes as you continued. "As for my grief, I have never placed anything on her. I've hidden that part of myself away day in and day out because who would I be if I wasn't strong around her? I've sacrificed my mental sanity day in and day out so she can have some semblance of peace. To know that there are people who care about her."

But rather than continuing to be angry at Bradley for his reaction, you felt pity for what he went through.

"I'm so sorry if you had the entire weight of the entire world on your shoulders growing up, Bradley, but Sadie isn't going to crumble because I can't be strong around her."

Bradley opened his mouth as if to respond, but no words came out. It was clear to you he was grappling with his own emotions, whether something had caused him to be this way or you had brought everything rushing to the surface.

You held his gaze, unwavering in your conviction. "I'm not asking you to agree with my choices," you finally said, your voice softening. "But I am asking you to respect them."

But you knew he wouldn't. In defending Jake, and by poking and prodding at him, you had backed Bradley into a corner.

And like a wounded animal, he went for the insult.

"I didn't know you wanted to add your name to the tally in Hangman's whorehouse."

You felt cold, ice shooting up your veins and freezing over your skin.

Your hand was ready, fingers steadying and stretching out as you prepared to whip it forward. But rather than a slap, Nat beat you to it, fist flying out of nowhere and landing hard into Rooster's solar plexus. He lurched over in a groan, and she stepped back, nostrils flaring.

"You say that again about them, I dare you. You've done enough damage."

"I'm not the one who ruined the team," he said hoarsely, looking at you pointedly.

You were done.

You turned on your heel, making a run for it back down your hall, a slam of a door letting everyone know you had no plans to return any time soon.

___

Jake watched you leave, head down and hands coming up to wipe at your face as you ran down your dark hallway. Everyone stared a Bradley in a mix of shock and anger. Maybe even in disbelief. For Bradley to say such a thing, to you of all people, was inexcusable.

"That was your last straw, Bradshaw. I couldn't care less what you say about me, but her? You need to leave," Jake said, getting up in his face.

Coyote stepped up from behind Bradley, knocking his shoulder hard as he passed him. Bradley stumbled forward, eyes watching as Javy nodded once to Jake before following you down the hall.

"You have no idea the double standard you place on, Liz," Jake laughed to himself. "Taking about grief and telling her she needs to grieve when shaming her for wanting to do that. Sadie can grieve, but Liz can't? "

"I'm not the asshole who's going to fuck it up for them," Bradley remarked. "Liz wouldn't have to if you just chose to stay away from them like you should have."

But Jake smirked at him. "At least I have the decency to own up to when I've been one."

"You know," Bradley started. "I'm just waiting for the day when you mess up so badly, and she looks for someone to support her. Cause I know her better than you could ever think. The second you do, you'll never get her back. Or Sadie."

Bob spun away from the group at Bradley's words, becoming slightly more worried Sadie would wake up and venture into this mess. He had half a mind to leave and sit with her, until out of the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of blonde hair peaking out from the end of the hall.

Sadie peered at her Uncle Bob from her hiding spot, concerned. Bob shot her a worried look, motioning with his eyes for her to go back to her room. But Sadie shook her head.

She had every right to be here if her name was being thrown around.

"Nothing about what you just said or did had anything to do with Sadie," Jake challenged Bradley, who assertively replied, "She's part of it."

"And at any point during your little outburst, did you even once think about her, currently hiding out in her bedroom, hearing every shout or word you've said?"

Sadie knew the answer to this one. Even if she wasn't in the hallway, and you didn't put her headphones on, Uncle Roo clearly didn't think about what he was saying before he said it.

Having already been standing with Jake, Nat crossed her arms and glared pointedly at Bradley. "You've hurt Liz. The one person who would have taken a bat for you. She didn't deserve everything you just threw at her."

Sadie's eyes shot to Bradley, horrified and disappointed at her Aunt Nat's words. He had hurt you.

That was unforgivable.

Sadie finally decided to pull herself away from the wall, step forward and reach for her Uncle Bob, who was at the back of the pack. She gripped the fabric of his plant leg, half hiding from everyone's view.

Bob looked down, shocked, as she pressed her forehead into the back of his knee. He tried to slowly step backwards, hoping to lead Sadie back to her room. But she wasn't having it, wrapping her arm tightly around his leg, preventing him from moving any further.

She was staying.

"You have a right to your opinion, but if you cannot accept that I'm with her for the right reasons, that Sadie isn't on our minds every damn second, then I will kindly ask you to leave."

Bradley scoffed at Jake, laughing, "Don't think it's up to you to uninvite me."

"But I can."

Everyone turned, shocked to hear, and finally discover Sadie hiding behind Bob's leg. Bradley seemed to sober at her words, eyes relaxing, then widening as he saw her cowering from him.

"Bug..." he said lowly, his hand stretching out. She took a step back, eyeing his hand cautiously.

"You hurt my Aunt," she said firmly, her disappointment in him evident. "You're not welcome here anymore."

Sadie could see the sudden guilt on his face, but she didn't care. Right now, she didn't like him. And he wasn't going to get away with what he just did.

"You heard her," Jake stated, crossing his arms and puffing out his chest.

But Bradley paid him no mind and tried to reason with Sadie as he said, "Bug, it's not what you think."

"I have eyes," she snarked, then decided to add for good measure, "And ears."

Bradley's eyes travelled from Sadie's to Nat's, who now stood behind her. Then Fanboy and Payback stepped forward, crossing their arms over their chest as they glared at Bradley, the man looking more confused with each passing second.

Sadie was mad. Despite not knowing what was exactly said, the fact he would even do something that would purposely hurt you cut her deep. And she was inconsolable, her protectiveness for you coming through fiercely.

Bradley shook his head, his voice slightly bitter. "You're just a kid, Sadie. You don't know how relationships work. It's complicated."

Her eyes blazed with determination. While she might be the youngest, never once had anyone treated her as if she was stupid or deserving of the truth.

"Just because I'm young doesn't mean my feelings don't matter!" She was becoming frustrated now, tears starting to leak from her eyes. And her head was beginning to hurt again. Yet, she persisted.

"Everyone but my Aunt reminds me I'm a kid! That I don't know enough! But I know when someone is being a bully! And you are one!"

She cast her eyes down to the floor, slowly side-stepping until she was behind her Uncle Jake. He immediately cradled the back of her head.

"My aunt has never been happier than she is with Uncle Jake!" She tried to say through the pain. "I will not let you hurt them."

Who was this person, she thought, glaring up at him with utter disappointment, that had taken the place of her Uncle Roo? The one that promised to look out for her, for you, when her mom had died. Who held her hand and told her it was going to be okay? Who went with her after school and soccer practice for ice cream and let her talk about her feelings?

This wasn't the Uncle Roo she loved.

So for the first time in her life, Sadie knew what it was like to see someone she loved so dearly fall from the pedestal she had put him on. And in trying to understand what it meant, she didn't know whether to be upset at him or upset with herself.

"Leave!" She cried out, turning her face into Jake's leg, trying to soothe the pounding in her head. "Just leave! I don't want you here anymore!"

Nat frowned at Sadie before stepping in front of her, blocking Rooster's view of her. She crossed her arms and glared at him heatedly. Then Bob joined Nat, copying her stance and echoing, "Do you need help seeing yourself out?"

Then Fanboy stood beside Nat, Payback to Bob, all four standing as a barrier between Sadie, Jake, and Bradley. He couldn't believe what was happening in front of him. His team had yet to take his side but remained on Hangman's.

And if that wasn't the final nail in the coffin, Sadie pointed towards the front door, without ever lifting her face from Jake's leg, and said through tears, "Bye, Bradley."

Bradley turned on his heel and stormed out of the room without another word, his heavy footsteps echoing in the tense silence that followed. The rest of the squad watched in silence, their expressions a mix of concern as the front door slammed.

Despite the tension in the room, everyone sighed, turning around to check on Sadie. But before anyone could comment on what happened, Coyote shot around the corner of the hall, eyes wide as he exclaimed panickily, "I can't find Liz."

There were mixed replies, Nat asking if he checked the backyard while Bob asked about your bedroom. Fanboy and Payback decided to look out in the yard while Jake stared after the front door, his hand still resting gently on the back of Sadie's head.

But she sighed, wiping her eyes, knowing exactly where you were. "It's okay. I know."

Stepping sideways, Sadie reached up to grasp Jake's hand. Everyone watched the pair disappear while Bob walked to the front door, ensuring Bradley had heeded Sadie's request and had left.

Leading him down the hall to the bathroom next to your room, Sadie reached the door apprehensively, slowly reaching up to twist the knob and carefully pushing forward.

It wasn't the first time she had found you like this. That was before her mom passed away, and you still lived with them. Her mom had explained at the time something had 'triggered' you. She hadn't understood what it meant, but she knew something had happened that caused you to be sad. She remembered how her mom had climbed into the tub with you, pulled your head into the crook of her neck and cooed as you sobbed.

Letting go of her Uncle's hand, she left him standing in the doorway as she walked over to the tub, peering over the edge. You had curled yourself up into a ball, arms covering your face as your fingers had threaded themselves into the hair at the back of your skull.

From what Sadie could remember, you looked exactly as you did then. Trying to look small under the white light, encased by tile and silver.

Without hesitation, Sadie climbed over the ledge, her small hands peeling your arm away from your face as she curled herself next to you, hugging you tight.

"I'm sorry, Sadie," you gasped, arms wrapping around her.

"What for?"

"I shouldn't be crying like this around you. I need to be strong, the adult..."

Sadie pulled back, her small hands grabbing your cheeks, first wiping at your tears before trailing her thumbs down to your dimples, hooking them in the corners and stretching your mouth outwards.

"I'm allowed to cry, but you're not? That's not fair, Aunt Liz."

She watched as your face registered her words, grateful for the little crook of a smile at the corner of your lips.

She wouldn't even try fixing what Bradley had done to you. There were no magical fairy godmothers or instant health potions for this, no star she could wish on with enough power that would solve everything. Sadie only knew you were hurt.

So, as you did for her when you found her in the guest bedroom of her friend's house when her mom died, she let you cry.

And what could she say or do after that but tell you what she did to Rooster?

"I kicked him out."

"What?"

"He hurt you," she shrugged, totally not owning up to the fact she had challenged an authority figure and had him thrown out of the house. You looked at her, panicked, the question half spilling from your lips, "Did you.."

"Relax," she said in typical Sadie fashion. "I didn't hear what he said. But it was enough."

"Sadie..."

"Sometimes people do bad things. And you didn't make him say those things to you."

You sniffed, rubbing at your nose. "I kind of did. I may have told him something he didn't want to hear."

Sadie bit her lip before asking, "Did he need to hear it?"

Her mom would always ask that when things went wrong. If someone did need to hear it, you shouldn't spare anyone's feelings. It was better, to be honest, than not.

Her eyes quickly flashed over your shoulder, Uncle Jake having moved at some point from leaning against the door frame to sitting on the floor, just on the other side of the tub. He had been so quiet she hadn't even heard him sit down.

"Probably. But not in the way I did it." You closed your eyes, lightly knocking the side of your head on the bottom of the tub.

Sadie looked back at you. "Then do what Mum always did. Don't regret it."

"But.."

She reached up and pressed her tiny finger to your lips, instantly quieting you, before remarking, "This is a 'No questions asked,' Aunt Liz."

Sadie didn't let you say another word, pulling herself into you so she could hug you, resting her cheek atop yours, closing her eyes and sighing when she realized you had stopped crying.

When Sadie eventually opened her eyes, looking up over the rim of the tub, her Uncle Jake was still there, his presence unknown to you. He wasn't looking at her; he was looking down at you with a tender look and a sad smile. It was like he wanted to reach out and comfort you. But he also didn't want to disturb the two of you.

At that moment, everything her mom had ever wanted for you made sense.

Yes, Sadie thought. He was the one her mom always talked about.

The one she had hoped you would find after those phone conversations at the kitchen table. The one that took care of you. That looked out and stood up for you. That made you laugh. Made you happy.

It may be time for you to open the shoebox on the top shelf of your closet, she thought.

Those letters were undoubtedly meant for him.

We have fluff next chapter! I promise!

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Part 14: Sex on Fire coming soon

^ and yes, there is some smut coming up ^

Wickett ;)