#incorrect spider-man

[slightlydepressedmelon]

Things My Professor Has Said That Are Peter Parker Coded

"You can come back to research conferences a year later and be like, here's why I was so dumb last time"

"Too much going boom for me. Need less boom going"

Student: It's so wordy. Professor: You've heard me talk!

"You will make me cry tonight. If you're wondering if emotionally react to your stuff, I do. I just have to act like a professional when I come to class"

"I feel like we're in the Roman coliseum and you're voting to feed me to the lions"

"There's a lot of ways to arrange carbon *gestures to body* I'm not particularly webbed to this specific arrangement of carbon"

"How do I behave like a normal human being in this circumstance?"

"So y'all are just existing. That's what I got from the vibe check today"

"Tell me what it's like in Amsterdam. Has anyone been? I'd like to be rich one day"

"Oh, this feels a little overwhelmingly concerning"

"Then I cower my head in shame and crawl back into my hole"

"I get that the vibe is quiet but are y'all okay?"

[rjjameshiii]

Norman: Harry, can you grab my keys, they're on my desk. Harry: Sure. Harry: ... Harry: Uh, Dad? Why do you have a folder called "Harry & Peter Wedding Plans" on your desk? Norman: Well obviously those are my ideas for you and Peter's wedding. I'm partial to the plan for a Fiji wedding on page 25 myself. Harry: But me and Peter aren't even dating?? Norman: You're not?

[mamaspidershit]

Peter: I’m gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul. 

[randomstuffjustrandom]

Lightly

Tony: You were mugged?!

Natasha: Why would you not tell us?!

Y/n: *nonchalant* Because he was injured…

Peter: I was not injured… Just lightly stabbed

Tony and Natasha: *freaking out*StAbBeD??!!

Peter: LIGHTLY

[stuckysknife]

Matt: Alright, Spider-Man, be safe out there. I'll see you around.

Peter [joking]: Unless you go blind!

Matt:

Peter:

Matt:

Peter: wait-

[wynnd-citrus]

nearly forgot to post this onto my tumblr today (im so used to just posting to IG and then being done but i must now take care of my tumblr page too hehe)

[hurtspideyparker]

In a timeline where Civil War didn't end in divorce and everyone lives in the compound:

Steve, walking into the living room: Don't worry Buck I think you'll really fit in around here. Everyone is super nice

Peter: Oh my god you're living here too?! Can I please look at your arm? Please please please please please-

Bucky: *turns around and leaves*

-

Clint: So... wanna test if your spider-sense defeats my perfect aim?

Peter: Oh my god do I ever

Tony & Steve: NO.

-

Peter: Hi. Big fan. Y'know we're like a spider duo. Crime fighting spiders. Arachnid pals

Natasha, staring blankly:

Peter: Web friends? SPY-ders?

Natasha:

Peter: Spinneret associates?

Natasha: Leave.

Peter: Yes okay sorry ma'am

-

During a meal:

Bucky: *glaring at Sam*

Sam: Ay Rogers come get your dog

Steve: Bucky, leave it

Bucky: *glares down at soup instead*

-

Peter: Mr. Rogers could you help me with my homework?

Tony: What the hell kid, I'm right here

Bruce: I have... so many degrees

Steve: Hey I know a thing or two myself. Sure Queens, what do you got?

Peter: Great! I'm just gonna ask some questions for my essay. What would you say the role of war propaganda was in your decision to enroll in the military? Was being poor a factor? Actually, how was the Great Depression for you?

Steve: Less depressing than this conversation.

-

Steve: Take a jacket, it's chilly

Wanda: Okay thanks dad

Steve:

Wanda:

Peter: Ha! That's so embarrassing, it's like calling your teacher dad

Wanda: Shut up Peter, you call Tony dad all the time

Peter: Yeah but I do it on purpose so it's not embarrassing. I'm very open about my daddy issues

-

Tony: I wanna punch you in your perfect teeth

Steve:

Tony: Looking at me with your angelic blue eyes, like a freak

Steve:

Tony: Stupid Dorito ass build. Making me wanna take a bite

Steve: I feel harassed but I'm not sure what kind

-

Natasha: Hey bird brain!

Clint and Sam both turn:

Natasha: Hm, that's a problem. You have thirty seconds to decide who gets bird brain. The other will be feather head

Clint and Sam: *start arguing*

Tony: I can't believe they're fighting to be called an insult

Steve: She has that effect on people

Peter: Aw man, I wish the Black Widow gave me a nickname :(

-

Peter: Hey old man

Bucky:

Peter: I'M SO SORRY SIR MR. WILSON MADE ME DO IT PLEASE DONT KILL ME

Sam: *cackling in the background*

Bucky: *stands up and turns to Sam*

Sam: Oh shit- kid you're not getting the money if you're gonna snitch!

Peter: That's okay, I'd like to think my life is worth more than twenty bucks

-

Bucky: I need your... help

Tony: Sure, what's up?

Bucky: *glances back at Steve who stands in the doorway and nods approvingly*

Bucky: Arm.

Tony: Ok... this conversation is killing you isn't it?

Bucky:

Tony: Say please

Bucky: Nope can't do it-

Steve: Do I need to get out the get-along shirt?

*Bucky and Tony share a look of alarm*

Bucky: Please fix my arm

Tony: Yep of course no problem buddy

-

Read Part 2 and Part 3

[thewrittenpodcast]

Principal: unfortunately we had to call your mother in

Peter: may won't pick up

Principal: no not your aunt. your mother

Peter: i don't... have one?

Principal: says here one Viginia Potts is listed

Peter: i have never met a virginia in my life

Pepper, walking in: i was called

Peter:

Peter: your name is virginia?

Peter: my life is a lie

Peter: how can I go on

[spidey-017]

Peter: *almost dies*

Tony: jeez kid, did Rogers teach you your self-preservation skills or something?

Peter: no, my parents did

Tony: kid-

[whyareyoubored]

gwen: you fainted, do you remember anything?

miles: only the ambulance ride

hobie: that wasn’t an ambulance ride, i drove you

miles: but i heard a siren?

hobie: that was pavitr

pavitr: sorry i got nervous

[irondadspiderson4evr]

Avengers on a mission:

Bruce: Well, that went good!

Steve: Yeah, surprisingly.

Rhodey: It’s… too quiet. Now that I think about it, the whole battle was too quiet.

Tony, holding up his hand in the front: where’s the kid.

Pan over to Peter who is playing with puppies he saw halfway to the battle.

[at1r1-park3r]

Peter; at school and just got in trouble: I swear I'm innocent!

Principal; not amused: That's it. Your aunt passed? I'm calling your parents.

Peter: Haha, good luck with that!

Principal: What?

Peter: My parents are DEAD! *unhinged laughter*

Principal: but I have their phone numbers....

[ironspidersblog]

Peter, overstimulated: MY SPIDER SENSES ARE PISSING ME OFF AND IM GONNA MAKE IT EVERYONES PROBLEM

Tony, trying to figure out how to make the perfect sensory friendly room in five seconds: Pete-

Steve, trying to not say language so hard: young man I-

Bucky, also overstimulated: lol yeah

[marionluth]

Harley: Wanna know what would be really cool?

Peter: Honestly, I don't think I wanna know, no.

Harley: Being shot

Tony: No!

Peter: Been there, done that. Not particularly cool either…

Tony: You’ve been what?

Peter:

Harley: No, no! BEING SHOT. As in being the one… shot… at someone! As in human projectile with the speed of a bullet!

Peter:

Tony:

Harley: I mean… think of the damage here…

Peter: *sitting up* This holds promise.

Tony: No!

Peter: We'd have to take into account a ton of stuff, mass and volume of human projectile…

Harley:...energy source and force distribution…

Peter:... Acceleration curve, g force tolerance…

Harley:... trajectory and stability…

Peter: I'm bringing the whiteboard!

Tony: NO!

[ex1ra-1erres1ial]

Tony, talking to the Avengers : ok, listen here you useless little shits

Tony : Not you Peter, you're an angel on earth and we're glad to have you

[natasharswifey]

This is so them