#incorrect peter parker quotes

[incorrectpeterparker]

Peter: Getting up a 6am made me realize that 6am isn’t a place it’s an emotion

Tony: 6am isn’t a place at all

Peter: That’s because it’s an emotion

[oscorp-lawsuit]

Headcanon that when Peter accidentally calls Tony dad for the first time, he immediately freaks out over his slip-up (as usual) but Tony is running on like -20 hours of sleep and doesn’t even notice the mistake but he responds to it so suddenly Peter spirals into ANOTHER crisis because does that mean Tony thinks of Peter as his son, or did he just not hear him right? And now he doesn’t know how to bring it up without outing the fact that he wants Mr. Stark to be his dad

Peter: “Hey, dad?”

Peter, internally: Wait, shit shit! Why did I say that? I can’t call Mr. Stark DAD. That’s so creepy-

Tony, dead on his feet and hearing colors: “Yeah, Pete?”

Peter:

Peter, tearing up: “Um-”

[incorrectmcuquotess]

Tony: Sometimes I think you were bred in a lab to help people.

Peter: You know what else they bred in a lab?

Tony: Steve.

Peter: I was gonna say pugs…

[underoooos]

The Avengers: What's the definition of "innocent"?

Tony, pointing at Peter and using Peter's hand to wave at them: Right here!

Peter: *grimaces as the Avengers awkwardly wave back*

[1luna1lovegood1]

Tony: there's only one thing worse than losing!

Stephen: [rips off paper to make it say 'losing peter'] boom!

Peter, nodding: me.

Tony: no-

[sarcasm-and-stiles]

Y/N: *clearly annoyed*

Peter: what’s wrong?

Peter: is it because my shoes light up and yours don’t?

[incorrectgwenstacy]

Miles: If I run and leap at Peter, he will 100% catch me in his arms.

Peter B, entering while holding a cup of coffee: Hey, what’s up?

Miles: *runs towards him at full speed before jumping*

Peter B: Wait, my coffee!

Peter B: *drops the coffee to catch Miles*

[marvel-lous-guy]

Peter: when you ask for someone's name, you're essentially asking them what noise you should make to get their attention

Tony: Kid, what the fuck?

Harley: we should ditch names. You can get my attention by making the squeal of a bat bathing in cranberry juice on the night of a full moon.

Tony: ...

Peter: *viciously squeaks*

Harley: yes?

Peter: you wanna get pizza?

Harley: absolutely

[dead-sane-stuff]

*Peter doing anything remotely life threatning*

Tony: What has gotten into that child? I'm telling you, he gets it from your side of the family!

Pepper *sighing*: Tony, Peter isn't our biological child

Tony *sniffling back tears*: I know 😢

[jjsmaybank20]

Peter: What's the most efficient way to burn calories? Steve: Exercise more! Y/N: Set yourself on fire. Tony: There are two kinds of people.

[incorrectpeterparker]

Peter: I accidentally ate MJ’s sandwich… How long do you think I have to live?

Ned: Ten

Peter: Ten what?

Ned: Nine

[oscorp-lawsuit]

Tony: makes a joke belittling himself

Peter: “Ah! No self-depreciation. Put another hundred in the jar.”

Tony: grumbles to himself as he shoved a $100 bill into a jar labeled “Mr. Stark’s Self Love Bank <3”

[incorrectmcuquotess]

Peter: This is the worst day of my life.

Tony, trying and failing to be comforting: The worst day of your life, so far.

[fromjannah]

ACROSS THE SPIDERVERSE + memes/text posts (1/?)

[wynnd-citrus]

nearly forgot to post this onto my tumblr today (im so used to just posting to IG and then being done but i must now take care of my tumblr page too hehe)

[hurtspideyparker]

In a timeline where Civil War didn't end in divorce and everyone lives in the compound:

Steve, walking into the living room: Don't worry Buck I think you'll really fit in around here. Everyone is super nice

Peter: Oh my god you're living here too?! Can I please look at your arm? Please please please please please-

Bucky: *turns around and leaves*

-

Clint: So... wanna test if your spider-sense defeats my perfect aim?

Peter: Oh my god do I ever

Tony & Steve: NO.

-

Peter: Hi. Big fan. Y'know we're like a spider duo. Crime fighting spiders. Arachnid pals

Natasha, staring blankly:

Peter: Web friends? SPY-ders?

Natasha:

Peter: Spinneret associates?

Natasha: Leave.

Peter: Yes okay sorry ma'am

-

During a meal:

Bucky: *glaring at Sam*

Sam: Ay Rogers come get your dog

Steve: Bucky, leave it

Bucky: *glares down at soup instead*

-

Peter: Mr. Rogers could you help me with my homework?

Tony: What the hell kid, I'm right here

Bruce: I have... so many degrees

Steve: Hey I know a thing or two myself. Sure Queens, what do you got?

Peter: Great! I'm just gonna ask some questions for my essay. What would you say the role of war propaganda was in your decision to enroll in the military? Was being poor a factor? Actually, how was the Great Depression for you?

Steve: Less depressing than this conversation.

-

Steve: Take a jacket, it's chilly

Wanda: Okay thanks dad

Steve:

Wanda:

Peter: Ha! That's so embarrassing, it's like calling your teacher dad

Wanda: Shut up Peter, you call Tony dad all the time

Peter: Yeah but I do it on purpose so it's not embarrassing. I'm very open about my daddy issues

-

Tony: I wanna punch you in your perfect teeth

Steve:

Tony: Looking at me with your angelic blue eyes, like a freak

Steve:

Tony: Stupid Dorito ass build. Making me wanna take a bite

Steve: I feel harassed but I'm not sure what kind

-

Natasha: Hey bird brain!

Clint and Sam both turn:

Natasha: Hm, that's a problem. You have thirty seconds to decide who gets bird brain. The other will be feather head

Clint and Sam: *start arguing*

Tony: I can't believe they're fighting to be called an insult

Steve: She has that effect on people

Peter: Aw man, I wish the Black Widow gave me a nickname :(

-

Peter: Hey old man

Bucky:

Peter: I'M SO SORRY SIR MR. WILSON MADE ME DO IT PLEASE DONT KILL ME

Sam: *cackling in the background*

Bucky: *stands up and turns to Sam*

Sam: Oh shit- kid you're not getting the money if you're gonna snitch!

Peter: That's okay, I'd like to think my life is worth more than twenty bucks

-

Bucky: I need your... help

Tony: Sure, what's up?

Bucky: *glances back at Steve who stands in the doorway and nods approvingly*

Bucky: Arm.

Tony: Ok... this conversation is killing you isn't it?

Bucky:

Tony: Say please

Bucky: Nope can't do it-

Steve: Do I need to get out the get-along shirt?

*Bucky and Tony share a look of alarm*

Bucky: Please fix my arm

Tony: Yep of course no problem buddy

-

Read Part 2 and Part 3