#incorrect dick grayson quote

[jakascoo]

Tim, sniffling: Calm down, I’m probably not sick. It might just be allergies. Dick: Okay, tell me this: are you like, really tired? Tim: I have depression, what do you think?

[incorrect-batfam-quotes-mostly]

Bruce: Today I realised I'm old

Clark: What happened?

Bruce: I fell in the kitchen and instead of laughing, all my kids came running to see if I was ok

Clark:

Bruce: I saw fear in their eyes

[everwalldigan]

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

[fanaticalthings]

Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer

wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?

Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)

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Bonus:

Happy birthday, Tim 🥰

[demonicsuffrage]

The justice league sees Batman periodically updating a database of his, at the oddest of times, and naturally they think it's got something to do with his contingency plans or a dataset about the Gotham rogues, but in reality it's just him keeping record of his many children's changing tastes

Superman: Woah, he's writing down with such concentration, wonder what could be in there, maybe a new villain in Gotham?

Bruce, writing: "Dick has refused his favourite Pb&J five mornings in a row. Delete from favourites. Ask for new favourite food."

"Jason didn't seem as Eager to read the new book by his favourite author, put it in neutral category."

"Tim chose a green shirt instead of a red one at the mall today. More research needed."

"Cass listened to arctic monkeys on repeat this week. Update to favourites."

"Duke expressed an interest in slam poetry and called band practice lame. Put poetry in favourites and band in neutral."

"Damian watched Bluey for a total of 50 hours this week. Update to favourites."

[batfam-stuff-posts-0]

Robin!Jason: I wonder if different brands of shampoo taste different

Dick: They do

Jason:

Dick:

Jason:

Dick: Wait, ask me again and I'll hesitate before answering this time.

[anyknotrants]

-after Damian turned 16, at the family dinner-

Bruce: so... Damian, do you remember the Oreov girl you met at the gala last week?

Damian: *looks up* yes

Bruce: what do you think of her...?

Dick: *tries not to laugh*

Tim: *fails not to laugh*

Steph: *doesn't even try not to laugh*

Damian: she was... acceptable, if a bit annoying, why do you ask?

Tim: He's trying to set you up!

Batkids -Damian: *laughs*

Damian: *stares blankly*

Bruce: of course, you don't hav-

Damian: father, are you unaware that I'm in a committed relationship?

Duke, Tim and Dick: *choke on their food*

Steph: *chokes on her drink*

Cass: *smiles*

Batkids: WHAT?!

Bruce: ... I-....

Jason: *laughs so hard he almost falls from his chair* oh Jesus Christ! The world's best detectives at their finest!

Dick: you knew? And you didn't tell me?!

Jason: where the fuck do you think he went almost every fucking friday?

Bruce: *turns to Damian* I- I though you were having sleepover with Jon

Damian: I was.

Dick: but you just-

Batfam: *stops all their movememnt as they realize*

Jason: *actually falls from his chair laughing*

Bruce: JONATHAN SAMUEL KENT!

-over at the Kent farm, also having family dinner-

Jon, who heard Bruce shout his name: I feel like I'm going to get murdered by a bat in my sleep

Clark, who was also listening in: right after you explain why I had to find out you're dating Damian throught their family dinner

Jon: hehe... fuck

[definitelysome1]

Tim: do you guys ever think about the fact that we’ve all hated someone here at one point?

Jason: what the hell are you talking about?

Tim: well, Dick you hated Jason when he first became Robin, right?

Dick: uhh, yeah I guess?

Tim: and Jason, you hated me when you came back from the dead.

Jason: I mean sure. I mostly hated B for replacing me and I took it out on you. But sure

Tim: I hated Damian when he first became Robin and he hated me

Damian: hm

Dick:I guess I see where you’re going, but what about Duke? He’s out of the loop isn’t he?

Tim: no. He hated you.

Dick: WHAT? You hated me Duke? Why???

Duke: you’re a cop dude… you know I hate cops

Dick: oh yeah i totally forgot that

Jason: HA! Get wrecked goldie

[ahfrickenfrick]

damian: well I’m the blood son

tim: bruce chose us, you were thrust onto him by no choice

jason: to be fair he didn’t pick tim either

dick: he picked me under weird circumstances, I honestly think Jay is the only one he actually chose, like one of those strays at the shelter

jason: I’m going to fucking kick your ass

[gaywineauntsstuff]

The best part about DC canon being a sandbox is that you can combine different parts of different timelines into your Frankenstein ideal just to give Bruce Wayne more gray hairs

Observe

Bruce: Dick you know you’re 26 you can’t keep working as a gymnastics instructor on a volunteer basis you need a career.

Dick who has been working as a lawyer in nyc for 3 years now: hmmm yeah you’re totally right B maybe I’ll take some classes

Bruce: Tim you need to get your GED, I cannot allow you to give up on education at highschool.

Tim who got into ivy university and has been zeta-ing back and forth: …hmmm maybe I’m kinda busy

Bruce: I have no idea what Jason does in the day

Jason catholic priest Todd: … yeah I got nothing

-this shitpost was brought to you solely to remind everyone that JASON TODD WAS A CATHOLIC PRIEST IN ANOTHER DIMENSION THANK YOU

[jakascoo]

Dick: I bet you’re wondering why I gathered you here today. It’s because we need to have a discussion about how some people in this room aren’t getting along with other people in this room. Tim: Why did you say that so vaguely? Damian and I are literally the only people you called in here. Damian:

[theaceofarrows]

12 year old, 4'4ft Jason: Tall people really act like they earned their height

17 year old, 5'10ft Dick: Short people really act like we stole their height

Bruce, internally: [don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh-]

-

[Years later]

19 year old, 6'2ft Jason: Hey, remember when I stole your height? Good times

24 year old 5'10 Dick:

Dick: First oF ALL, YOU SASQUATCH SIZED BITCH-

Bruce, internally: [DON'T LAUGH, DON'T LAUGH, DON'T LAUGH-]

[offical-absolute-supes]

Bruce: Damian care to explain why Dick is covered in blue highlighter ink?

Damian *who's holding said blue highlighter*: it's because he's important. I'm supposed to highlight only the important stuff.

Dick *who's face is covered in blue highlighter while also trying not to cry*: YoU tHiNk iM iMpOrTaNt?

Bruce: you can't just color on his face Damian

Dick *actually crying now*: he said I'm important-

[incorrectbatfam]

Dick: The real reason Howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion.

Jason: This sounds like a joke but I read the book. This is the literal reason.

[demonicsuffrage]

Civilian, mad after robin did some property damage while saving them: Um, I would like to talk to your manager?

Robin: Oh my manager?

Robin, speaking into his comm right in front of the civilian: Batman, some Bitch wants to talk to you

[batfam-stuff-posts-0]

After Jason returns as Red Hood, immediately after his identity is revealed to Dick

Jason: Now it's time for some witty back and forth banter. You go first.

Dick: *sobbing*

Jason: Look, I'm not sure where to go with that.