#incorrect avenger

[slavicshadownr]

Phil: Agent Romanoff what are you doing? Natasha: Wrapping Barton’s desk in Saran Wrap. Phil: Uh why? Natasha: He stole my one of my knives. Phil: Couldn’t you have just taken it back? Natasha: I couldn’t find it so I removed all sharp objects from the office so he has to either unwrap it by hand or use my knife. He’s a dumbass so he’ll use my knife which is when I will steal it back and he is left to unwrap it by hand as punishment for stealing my knife in the first place. Phil: That is actually genius. Natasha: Yes. It is.

[betzabobababi]

Peter: *kicks the door down looking panicked* Peter: *proceeds to hide behind the couch* Tony: *whispers* What did you do? Peter: No-one got hurt and nobody died Tony: *iron-dad mode activated* WHAT TYPE OF ANSWER IS THAT?!?!?!?

[of-many-incorrect-quotes]

Logan: I cut my finger

Y/N: I can kiss it. That way it'll get better

Logan: *confused*That works?

Y/N: Yeah, my mum used to do it all the time when I was little

Logan: Huh…

*later*

Logan: I need you to punch me in the mouth

Wade: *has waited his whole life for this* I thought you’d never ask

[fluffycows4life]

@that-punk-from-brooklyn

[hurtspideyparker]

In a timeline where Civil War didn't end in divorce and everyone lives in the compound:

Steve, walking into the living room: Don't worry Buck I think you'll really fit in around here. Everyone is super nice

Peter: Oh my god you're living here too?! Can I please look at your arm? Please please please please please-

Bucky: *turns around and leaves*

-

Clint: So... wanna test if your spider-sense defeats my perfect aim?

Peter: Oh my god do I ever

Tony & Steve: NO.

-

Peter: Hi. Big fan. Y'know we're like a spider duo. Crime fighting spiders. Arachnid pals

Natasha, staring blankly:

Peter: Web friends? SPY-ders?

Natasha:

Peter: Spinneret associates?

Natasha: Leave.

Peter: Yes okay sorry ma'am

-

During a meal:

Bucky: *glaring at Sam*

Sam: Ay Rogers come get your dog

Steve: Bucky, leave it

Bucky: *glares down at soup instead*

-

Peter: Mr. Rogers could you help me with my homework?

Tony: What the hell kid, I'm right here

Bruce: I have... so many degrees

Steve: Hey I know a thing or two myself. Sure Queens, what do you got?

Peter: Great! I'm just gonna ask some questions for my essay. What would you say the role of war propaganda was in your decision to enroll in the military? Was being poor a factor? Actually, how was the Great Depression for you?

Steve: Less depressing than this conversation.

-

Steve: Take a jacket, it's chilly

Wanda: Okay thanks dad

Steve:

Wanda:

Peter: Ha! That's so embarrassing, it's like calling your teacher dad

Wanda: Shut up Peter, you call Tony dad all the time

Peter: Yeah but I do it on purpose so it's not embarrassing. I'm very open about my daddy issues

-

Tony: I wanna punch you in your perfect teeth

Steve:

Tony: Looking at me with your angelic blue eyes, like a freak

Steve:

Tony: Stupid Dorito ass build. Making me wanna take a bite

Steve: I feel harassed but I'm not sure what kind

-

Natasha: Hey bird brain!

Clint and Sam both turn:

Natasha: Hm, that's a problem. You have thirty seconds to decide who gets bird brain. The other will be feather head

Clint and Sam: *start arguing*

Tony: I can't believe they're fighting to be called an insult

Steve: She has that effect on people

Peter: Aw man, I wish the Black Widow gave me a nickname :(

-

Peter: Hey old man

Bucky:

Peter: I'M SO SORRY SIR MR. WILSON MADE ME DO IT PLEASE DONT KILL ME

Sam: *cackling in the background*

Bucky: *stands up and turns to Sam*

Sam: Oh shit- kid you're not getting the money if you're gonna snitch!

Peter: That's okay, I'd like to think my life is worth more than twenty bucks

-

Bucky: I need your... help

Tony: Sure, what's up?

Bucky: *glances back at Steve who stands in the doorway and nods approvingly*

Bucky: Arm.

Tony: Ok... this conversation is killing you isn't it?

Bucky:

Tony: Say please

Bucky: Nope can't do it-

Steve: Do I need to get out the get-along shirt?

*Bucky and Tony share a look of alarm*

Bucky: Please fix my arm

Tony: Yep of course no problem buddy

-

Read Part 2 and Part 3

[thewrittenpodcast]

Principal: unfortunately we had to call your mother in

Peter: may won't pick up

Principal: no not your aunt. your mother

Peter: i don't... have one?

Principal: says here one Viginia Potts is listed

Peter: i have never met a virginia in my life

Pepper, walking in: i was called

Peter:

Peter: your name is virginia?

Peter: my life is a lie

Peter: how can I go on

[minimarvelh]

Tony: kid, you alright?

Peter: yeah, why are you asking? I’m right here with you playing minecraft.

Clint: yeah, Tony, stop being mother Hen.

Tony: fuck off, I feel like something is wrong. Look me in the eyes.

Peter: what? no?

Tony: Peter!

Peter: ahjak okay!

Tony, one second after looking at his kid: Friday, call Bruce, we’re heading towards Medbay!!

Client: you gotta be kidding? he’s completely fine!

Tony: ehh no, he has the “I was stabbed” look in his eyes.

Clint: no he’s not. that’s not a real thing.

Peter, bewildered: yeah, that’s not a real thi—

Friday: it appears to me that Mr. Parker-Stark jr. is losing his blood in exponential levels and he has some sharp object in his back.

Peter: the knife isn’t that sharp

Tony: PETER

[allowmetohityouwithmyreblog]

The avengers watching a film in the tower:

Peter, seeing somebody get hit by a train on screen: ha! Been there done that- not as fun as it looks.

Tony, barely listening: uh-huh

The other avengers, all looking at peter: ..

Tony, launching off the couch: yOU WHAT?

[literaryavenger]

Steve, seeing Y/N babying Bucky: What happened??

Y/N, putting a bandaid on Bucky’s finger: Bucky got a paper cut.

Steve, rolling his eyes: Seriously? Yesterday Sam was screaming "I've been stabbed!" and all you did was yell "shut up!"

Y/N, after kissing Bucky’s boo-boo: That's because he was screaming "I think I've been stabbed!" Bitch, you're either stabbed or you aren't!

Steve:

Y/N:

Steve:

Natasha, sitting next to them while casually eating cereal: She's right.

[chaxan08]

Yelena: Our relationship is strictly professional.

Kate, sitting on Yelena's lap: Absolutely, only business.

[book-place-incorrect-quotes]

Natasha: *before a mission* Who’s turn is it to give a pep talk?

Steve: *sighs* Y/N’s…

Y/N: *stands dramatically on the table* All right, people, let’s fuck shit up out there and not die!

Tony: *wipes away a fake tear* So inspirational

[slavicshadownr]

Clint: Coulson kicked me off the mission for good because I am apparently a "liability" and "reckless" and "Barton". Natasha: That’s just your name. Clint: Yeah but you didn't hear his tone.

[betzabobababi]

Incorrect avengers #20

Steve: Hello officer, what seems to be the problem? Cop: uh i'm sorry Captain America? sir? but I have to arrest you for driving a motorcycle with three people on it. Steve: Three? Sam & Natasha: Steve: WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS TELL ME BUCKY FELL OFF

[spidey-017]

Peter: *almost dies*

Tony: jeez kid, did Rogers teach you your self-preservation skills or something?

Peter: no, my parents did

Tony: kid-

[fuckyeahgoodomens]

[hurtspideyparker]

If Civil War didn't end in divorce and everyone lived together Part 2

Read Part 1 and Part 3

Tony: Why is Underoos mopping the ceiling?

Sam: Told him since he's sticky that's his chore

Bucky: It's only fair he helps out around the house

Tony: Hm. Makes sense

-

Vision cooked dinner:

Peter: *pushing around food to make it look eaten*

Natasha: *surreptitiously spitting into napkin*

Steve: *taking small bites with tons of water*

Bucky: *just stares at full plate*

Tony: Well this is disgusting, I'm ordering pizza

-

Sam: C'mon man stop moping around, you gotta get yourself a girl

Bucky: Ok.

Sam: Ok? Okayyyyy! I know-

Bucky: Give me your phone

Sam: Oh you got a number in mind already hotshot? *hands phone over*

Bucky: *ring* Hi Sarah ;)

Sam: BOY-

-

Peter: Ned thought you would seperate your colours from your lights but he also thought you'd be homophobic so I don't pay him much mind cuz clearly I'm more of a superhero expert than him but he does have a 2% better average than me in history so like maybe you do hand wash your clothes and that's why I asked what underwear you wear because-

Steve: *listening intently with apprehension and alarm*

Natasha: I can't believe you found the one person on Earth who talks more nonsense than you

Tony: I know right, it's incredibly unnerving. I'm planning on adopting him

-

Peter: Mr. Stark I have to tell you something. I think Vision is a... *whispers* pervert

Tony: Um, why?

Peter: He keeps floating through my room without knocking! He saw me changing, he saw my nipples !

Tony: Well if anyone's a predator here it would be you. I mean showing your nipples to a 2 year old? Deplorable.

Peter:

Peter: Oh god, I'm the pervert...

-

Bucky: Y'know animosity isn't good between teammates. I think we should spend more time together

Sam: Am I being punked right now? Where's the camera

Bucky: I'm serious. I think it would be healthy for us to bond

Sam: Okay fine I'll bite... what did you have in mind

Bucky: Wanna go for a run?

Sam: *slams door in Bucky's face*

-

*staring at Bucky's sparkly clean metal arm*

Bucky: Dishwasher?

Peter: Dishwasher :)

(later that day)

Bucky: I've decided to let the child live

Peter: YoU wHaT?!

-

Thwip

Tony: Who took my coffee cup, It was right here

Thwip

Bruce: Um, has someone seen my book? I just had it

Thwip

Steve: I could've sworn I was holding a pen a moment ago

*giggling from the ceiling*

Tony: Young man I will take those webshooters away if you use them for shenanigans and rascality

Peter, muffled: Mr. Hawkeye told me to!

Clint: Oh so you're just gonna rat me out like that?

Peter: Sor- OOF

*falls out of ceiling vent*

-

Sam: You're in my spot

Bucky: There are no spots, it's a common area

Sam: Well that's my spot

Bucky: Did you buy the chair??

Sam: No, but everyone knows that's where I sit. Right Steve?

Steve: Oops I forgot something in my car, be right back *leaves*

Sam: Still my spot

Bucky: Still not

Sam: *sits on him*

Bucky: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL THE COUCHES ARE FREE-

Sam: IT'S MY SPOT YOU CAN'T TAKE A MAN'S FAVOURITE CHAIR-

BUCKY: YOU HAVE ISSUES GET OFF ME-

(one hour later)

Steve: Hey so turns out I don't have a car! Isn't that funn...

Sam & Bucky: *Squeezed awkwardly on the chair together*

Steve: I think I left something in my car

-

Steve: Leave the bedroom door open when you have Vision in there

Wanda: UGH you're so protective

Tony: Teenagers, am I right? Caught Pete reassembling my particle accelerator at midnight because he needed to neutralize a miniature nuclear bomb he nabbed off some guy he neglected to tell me was trying to kill him

Steve:

Steve: Wanda y'know what do whatever you want

Wanda: Really?

Steve: Yes just keep being normal. At least I can read about our issues in a parenting book

-

Thor: Ah, new warriors I see! Good to make all your acquaintance. But why are you so grumpy my friend?

Bucky: *glaring*

Peter: He's always like that. It's um, P- P- PMS? Wait -

Natasha: Yes it's PMS

Wanda: He's got it bad

Steve: *genuinely concerned* Bucky you didn't tell me something was wrong. What can I do to help?

Bucky:

Bucky: I like chocolate

-

Wanda: Welcome to the first annual girls night! This place reeks of men, so I thought we needed some women time

Pepper: Why is Vision here?

Wanda: I get sad when he's gone

Natasha: Why is Pietro here?

Pietro: Slay queens

Wanda: Moral support I think

Maria: Why is Peter here?

Wanda: He looked really upset when I said he wasn't included and I felt bad

Wanda: Anyways... yay girls! Who wants me to paint their nails?

Peter: ME ME ME

-

Steve: Pancakes or waffles?

Natasha: Pancakes

Steve: Good because I don't have a waffle maker

Natasha: Then why would you ask-

Steve: It's important for your voice to be heard, as team leader I value your opinion

*2 minutes later*

Steve: Good morning Clint, pancakes or waffles?

Clint: Waffles

Steve: Oh no.

-

Some of these were based on requests (ex. more Sam & Bucky, dad Steve w/ Wanda) so if you have certain dynamics you enjoy let me know !