#im not reading all that back what i wrote is what i wrote
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save a turkey, stuff a masc [shorts, 18+]
this year I'm thankful for bottom Ellie and Abby fics and im thankful for sub mascs everywhere all the time
cw: not proof read one bit (I literally wasn't even wearing my glasses when I wrote this and I wrote it in 20 minutes so forgive my spelling errors), bottom abby and ellie, reader is strapped up, choking, slight degradation if you squint (?)
♫ supersoaker (eartheater)
🍒 ellie
Ellie's so easy to wrangle after a night like this. Another one filled with the awkward tensions between her and Joel, pretending everything between them is fine when it's not, when it's actually so fucking complicated that she could rip her own skull off given the chance, just to quiet the throbbing complications swelling in her mind.
Of course, you would never let it get that far. You've grown accustomed to Ellie's frustrations and the signs of it -- her tense shoulders, the way she sucked in her lips, kneads her brows together and goes quiet, considering it safer than arguing some more.
So when the night has finally concluded and you two are relieved from awkward family obligations to return back to the little makeshift studio garage Ellie calls her "place", you're quick to find a way to melt these tensions.
Like I said, she's easy, easy to lay out on her back like this, knees pressed to her chest and hair left down and astray. The auburn strands stick to her forehead, covering some of her freckles as she whimpers and pants up at you.
"Shit, fuck, oh my god --"
Ellie's barely able to keep her eyes open when you're like this, her hands bracing themselves on your wrist as you pound relentlessly into her. You pull pitiful moans out of her as you hold her still with a palm to her pale throat, fingers experimentally tightening as she grows inconsolable, long nails threatening to stab at her if she isn't careful to hold still and take what you give her.
"Shhh, shh, I know sweetheart," you're purring. The combined scent of her previous orgasms and your sickeningly sweet perfume melting off of your warm body makes her head spin, body shaking underneath you uncontrollably.
"Fuck, I don't know if I can," she grunts out, chest heaving as one of her fists slams down on the mattress, balling the sheets and hitting them down again. She can feel her heart pounding in her skull, and she's lightheaded from uselessly trying to catch her breath.
Your thumb traces her bottom lip as Ellie's breathing becomes more erratic, more choked up, and her eyes begin to water. You've climbed so far over her that she can hardly see anything except you, her pretty, sweet girl, with such sinful and disgusting words falling from your plush lips between the sounds of your hips slapping against her utterly soaked cunt. And god, does she look good like this, left in only her t-shirt and bra pulled just enough over her chest to give you a good view and something to play with when she gets antsy.
"No, don't say that baby," you chide softly, as if you aren't dripping from your core, down between the straps of your harness, and on to the bed yourself. As if you aren't fighting to bury the toy to the hilt inside of her and fucking burst. You readjust yourself, sitting up straighter so her pleading eyes don't make you change your mind.
"I know you can, you can take another one f'me."
Ellie gulps down air greedily as your fingers move away from her throat and down to her clit, toying with the bud as she begins to squirm, moans growing higher pitched and so, so desperate.
"See, I knew you weren't done," you huff, giggling down at her. Her cheeks grow pink from embarrassment, and she tries to turn away, but you stop her. You turn her face back towards you with your free hand, making her watch you as you work her through the beginning of her fourth orgasm.
"Uh-uh, eyes on me, sweet girl. Gonna fuck you stupid, huh?"
🍒 abby
Abby's not so easy. She takes some work, some forethought to get under your strap, but you know the drill.
You've been sweetening her up all day, making her a plate and bringing it to her so she doesn't even have to get up from the football game that she and Manny had been screaming at all morning. You'd been lounging on the side of the couch, nails tracing over her back, picking at the shiny material of her jersey and gently pulling the ponytail out of her braid.
You've got your fingers in the loose strands of her hair, nails softly scratching at her scalp when Manny calls the game, waving it off and heading out the door a few moments later, though that wasn't necessarily like him, Abby had commented. She wondered if he was okay, if they had cooked the turkey all the way through. She felt fine, but you were sure Manny had just grown uncomfortable around you openly eyeing her.
You don't say anything of it though, shrugging it off and packing away the dinner's leftovers. Abby's helpful and sweet as always, pressing a soft kiss to your temple that has you turning with a predatory glint in your eye. This went unnoticed by the larger woman, and she continued not to notice until your arms were wrapping around her from behind, warm palm climbing up her chest and under her shirt until you can play with the elastic of her bra. She had laughed, taking it for a joke until your other hand slips below her waistband, and then her hands are tightening on the counter and she's sucking in a breath.
After that, it isn't long before you're shoving Abby's face into the mattress. You're holding her wrists at the small of her back, and the bulging veins and muscle in her forearms make your delicate hands and long nails look almost laughable, like a piece of paper tying some dumbbells together, but she doesn't dare to fight your grasp. Rather, she melts right into it.
"Shit, mmph," she grunts turning her head so she can gasp in the cold air of the room. Your nails dig into her hair, wrapping it around your wrist and pulling her up so her back is arched, and she can just barely see the reflection of your tangled bodies in the mirror over the tip of her nose.
"Fuck!" She grunts out, dragging out the vowel and bordering it with a strained growl. "Fuck, it's deep, it's really, really deep, ohmygod --"
You're giggling behind her, panting softly as a lazy smirk meets her contorted face in the glass.
"You're greedy, Abs," you hum, annunciating your words with even heavier snaps of your hips that have her eyes rolling back and her clit pulsing deliciously. "She's sucking me in, baby, knew you needed this, huh?"
Abby's head bobs and nods pathetically as you continue your brutal pace, an angelic whine of uh-huh forced out of her parted lips.
You tsk, shaking your head.
"'s not gonna cut it, baby," you chide, letting go of her hair to exchange it for her jaw, pulling her warm back against your front and pressing soft kisses along her shoulder. "Use your words."
Abby lets out an almost heartbreaking moan, a mix of frustration and pleasure filling your ears as she can barely hold in enough oxygen to breath, let alone admit how badly she needed to be broken in like some sort of fucking dog in heat.
Still, you don't give up, growing more cocky and demanding as she falls further and further into you, head drunk and dumb on your cock.
"Come on, angel, I won't tell anyone how much you like it."
#ellie williams#abby anderson#tlou2#fanfiction#x reader#smut#tlou#lesbian#female reader#ellabs#the last of us
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watching this Paul Gross thing he did in the 80s (chasing rainbows) and ive been enjoying it despite the knowledge that there'd be some kind of a het love triangle thing going on and that the other two characters simply aren't that interesting, but. oh boy. is... is the woman in this constellation meant to be read as a villain???
(ME DOING A BREAKDOWN ABOUT A SHOW NOBODY WATCHED AND NOBODY WILL WATCH ✌)
PG character -- a working class man who is fundamentally good to everyone in trouble he meets, to the detriment of himself more often than not, but scraping by until he gets his big break (which he also works very hard for) and becomes the owner of a relatively successful nightclub
other two characters -- come from rich backgrounds and sort of suck him into their lives by the coincidence of the two men having been at the front in WWI and PG saving the other guy's life and consistently don't realise he's got way more working against him than they do
the lady in this situation initially dumping said other guy "to find herself" when he comes back from the war, which, fair, it's 1919, she's going to college, she wants to be sure she can make informed choices, chill enough
said lady imprinting on our working class heroic character, because he's working class. i just. cannot read it any other way. she clocks him as such at a party (that he was invited to as a veteran) straight away, insults him, throws water in his face when he doesn't take it, but simultaneously is into the whole idk... rugged unpolished nature of him
discovers a diary written during the war with poetry in it that she presumes was written by him -- steals the book and reads it out loud to her college friends and is offended that he's not flattered by this
despite numerous protests that he didn't write the poetry (and he didn't, it was written by a kid he tried to save who was later shot in front of him for desertion), she just doesn't believe him, because she desperately wants him to have the "hidden depths of a poet" or some nonsense. never mind his actual good traits -- his kind-heartedness, his tenacity, his savvy, his sense of humour, nonono she wants a Poet
also, she is a failed playwright. she writes terrible plays about things she doesn't understand (including the war), asks his opinion and is offended when he (under duress) admits he doesn't think they're very good
and now she fucking... copied down the poems without his knowledge and published them under his name with an article she wrote about said hidden poetic depths!!!! gets incredibly offended when he is upset about this, first of all with a "I thought you'd be pleased" then with a "you should be happy for me for getting an article I wrote published in a major newspaper!" (because at the end of the day it's about her)
he initially -- not knowing how to handle the situation -- goes along with it, because what do you do now? go to the publishers and say it wasn't you? out yourself in the news?? I mean??? but pretty quickly re-emphasises He Did Not Write Those Poems!
the plot then mysteriously seems to pivot into saying it was his fault for "stringing her along" because the "hidden poet" bit was the only thing she really liked about him... and she vehemently denies this (but girl, tell me one other thing that draws you to him, and you can't say because he's pretty!) and says he's hurt/betrayed her by lying. i just... don't know... if the plot... is writing her like this because she's meant to be a self-absorbed college girl who has her working class dream-boat fantasy get broken, or if it's meant to be presented as him having betrayed her. it is. unclear
and now she's threatening to write a new article about how he's a fraud. im just. waiting for the plot to point out that she's done all of this herself and she also won't suffer for any of it in the way he will...
this boy can do better than these rich kid tourists 😔
#i think because it's kinda presented as a Big Tragic Romance and im just.#she's just a terrible person. and if that were the Point then great. but im not sure that is the point#i think it's meant to look like a give-and-take where they accidentally hurt each other but...#one of them consistently makes poor decisions and forgets the other person has agency.... and the other is just Hanging On#this whole plot sounds like something you'd read on a reddit AITA#im watching tv#im watching chasing rainbows#paul gross#ive been Suffering for two episodes
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tsukumo ryo for the character ask meme :3
Thanks for the askkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and when i thought that i wont see this name in my ask box.....
Ryo Tsukumo (by unpopular but much appreciated demand)
BINGOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
joking JOKING
BINGOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
In all honesty. When I first watched Third Beat I was so jawdropped by him and what he's doing and it made me irrationally scared to the point where I forgot about taking screenshots (i usually do so for future reference). and a month after I still caught myself thinking back to i7 because to me it was just another anime but HE was one of the characters that made me stay. He made me want to know what happens next So Much that I spent hours on wikis and websites searching more info on how to access more stories besides the anime. I AM SO NORMAL ABOUT HIM
and when I continued thinking back to him I found myself with the following thoughts: "evil. so hot." and "wow. he's like. proper disgusting. im intrigued!!!!" and by lords. when i first drew him on emotion it felt like an electricity jolt to my brain. I was never the same since. and I went back to rewatch Third Beat. and I read third part and fourth part and.
It's always a stage play and he's performing for everyone. If nobody's paying attention to him, he will point all lights to himself. But not in that way, pay attention in a different way. Love him, like him... If nobody likes him, then everybody shouldn't. If he is bad, then he should be the worst. If he wants something, he will get it. There are so many cracks within his fragile ego facade. And the only ones for him, the only ones he could peel this wrapping for, even if for a bit, are Riku and Momo. (and ZOOL in pt6)
I project onto him and make many headcanons because I can relate to a lot of his characteristics that CAN BE VERY MUCH MISSED BY THE AUDIENCE WITH HOW QUICK AND SUBTLE THEY ARE. or maybe im just catching myself in the "he's just like me fr" and starting to make things up You never really know with this sort of stuff.
There are two Ryous for me -- the bastard evil guy I want to impale and the Canonly Childhood Traumatised and coping with it in the worst ways possible (which is a recurring theme for characters in i7). I do feel like he gets a lot of hate because people (rightfully so) don't wish to delve deeper into his character because he serves as a good plot device even in his "irredeemably evil" state. I think that another layer of "sinister" gets placed on top considering that He Can Get Worse. it's always possible with the kinds of situations that a lack of regulation and help can bring and He Did Get Worse (ex: balcony scene)
The bastard evil guy is a good flavour of Ryou too because of the situations he can put others in. He's silly, unpredictable, evil, remorseless, sadistic, and absolutely unhinged. hes probably good in bed because of that but please disregard this whole sentence right now. everyone else is wrong and right about him because of how little we get of his screentime that is really about himself but THERE IS SOOO MUCH SO MUCH.
re: aesthetic, gender, design. awooga. 2/3 of my fave colours (orangeish yellow and purple), fave hairstyle (middle part), fave eyes (dead inside), fave frame (look at his back!) I WANT TO STEAL HIS GENDER. I LOVE THE murderous aesthetic I love the playhouse wife aesthetic i love the "i want to be the spoiled child" thing hes got going on . i love his outfits i love his expressions i love his moves i love HIS DESIGN. I FUCK WITH IT SO HARD PLATONICALLY WJAT AM I SAYING AT THIS POINT
Anyways. that was like. a fraction of my thoughts i just scrolled back up and realised ive been torturing you with my elder-scroll worth of text wall
#nitunio.txt#nitu i7 ramble#ryo tsukumo#good lord#ask games#im not reading all that back what i wrote is what i wrote#if i wrote something bad assume i didnt write it#i enjoy him
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What is the PR disaster in question that made Rick announce TSATS? I wasn’t active in the online fandom at that point
Of course! This was awhile ago so it figures people don't remember it/aren't familiar:
Basically a couple years back (2020) the fandom had some posts circulate discussing the ways different characters in the Riordanverse were written poorly or offensively. There was a masterpost that went around tumblr but the two major points people were particularly focusing on were Piper and Samirah (particularly because Piper had featured prominently again in Trials of Apollo recently and the third MCGA book had further emphasized and discussed Samirah being Muslim, since it was supposed to take place during Ramadan). Basically each had multiple posts breaking down the ways they were depicted incorrectly or offensively. The entire fandom for a little bit was VERY intensely discussing this (and it's around this time the "RR crit" tag got very popularized on tumblr - it did exist before, but suddenly was being used VERY frequently - cause it was that wide-spread - though the discussion took over basically every side of Riordaverse social media on different platforms). People really wanted Rick to respond to these criticisms, so he did!
He made two blog posts, one about Piper and one about Samirah. He has since deleted both so the links are to archived versions. The short version: he essentially tried to justify his poor research and double-down that he hadn't written them offensively, actually, people were just being mean to him. The fandom, of course, reacted poorly to this.
[Further elaborated events under the cut since this got a bit lengthy]
(Fun fact, this all happened within a month or so of the time i posted an open letter on aphobic tropes in the Riordanverse that Rick replied to, and then he immediately followed with announcing that Reyna was intended to be ace-coded [which cause a LOT of fandom debate] before Rick dipped for a couple of weeks, and then came back to post the blog posts in response to Piper and Sam stuff. So I like to jokingly refer to this as "The time I imploded the fandom/drove Rick off of twitter." Twas I that set the house ablaze.)
Rick fully left social media after this and the LT Musical social media manager became Rick's social media manager for the time being.
So this all happened June/July of 2020. Tower of Nero would end up being published in October of 2020 and a few months after that Rick would state that he was done with the series and wouldn't be writing any more series installments involving Percy, and also that he wouldn't be writing a Nico quest following Tower of Nero as it "wasn't his place to" and encouraged the community to write their own versions of Nico's story.
The community continued to circulate the tumblr posts and discuss the topics of Rick's offensive character depictions, and this is also where we see the dramatic shift in how the fandom depicts Piper in fanwork (though in most cases it is admittedly not an improvement 😬) because of all this discussion. This is also around the time when the fandom brought Viria under scrutiny claiming that she was whitewashing Piper as part of the same discussions, through the justification that she was drawing Annabeth as having tan skin (which she does canonically), and if Annabeth has tanner skin then Piper then that's whitewashing Piper? Except they were using completely separate images of not fully rendered Piper art versus Annabeth in dramatic lighting, so it's all very awkward and poor logic, and did actually get kind of racist. A lot of people were calling it "Tannabeth Blackchase" (yeah, i know) or similar and a common sentiment you'd see repeated is "Don't draw Annabeth as having darker skin than Piper, because that's offensive/racist/whitewashing." (Note: it was not phrased "don't draw Piper as having lighter skin than Annabeth" - we also won't get into certain offensive depictions of Native Americans, but I digress). But yeah, the Annabeth stuff in all that did not age well at all.
Anyways, in October of 2021 however Rick would announce that he was co-writing The Sun And The Star - with a lot of heavy emphasis on how Mark Oshiro works as a sensitivity reader, and some false advertising from the official social media that Mark Oshiro was the first time a non-Riordan author would be collaborating on the series (disregarding the ghostwriters completely). One of the big criticisms in the breaking down of issues in Rick's writing was his lack of ever seeking a sensitivity reader, and fans claiming that a sensitivity reader could solve a lot of the problems. This was basically Rick's "look! I totally listened!!!!" (though it did little to actually improve things, based on the book) and in TSATS as well Piper gets a large cameo at the end where the text very directly addresses a lot of points made in criticism of Rick's writing of her.
We also then of course got the CoTG trilogy later, explicitly stated to be for advertising purposes for the show.
So basically, short version: Rick came under scrutiny for a lot of offensive writing within the span of two months, made some bad blog posts doubling down about it, left social media. TOA ends. Rick says he wasn't going to continue the series/write what would become TSATS. Community celebrates the end of of the franchise but also continues to discuss Rick's poor writing and the blog posts at length. Rick suddenly announces TSATS and Mark Oshiro's involvement. Everybody gets distracted from being mad. Show announcement stuff also happens and the discussions peter out.
#pjo#riordanverse#fandom history#rick riordan#rr crit#ask#boywithskull#anonymous#long post //#fun times fun times#im always amused by the bit where i come in. like oh yeah i played a major part in the middle of all of this#i didnt mean to but i was the beginning of the end#maybe thats why this book is my personal hell. its in direct retribution#its really weird though because Rick did not usually reply to people on twitter but he responded to my open letter WITHIN HALF AN HOUR#within half an hour of me posting it he replied and then rapid-fire replied to like two or three other random tweet questions#at which point he confirmed he wrote Reyna with her being alloromantic ace-coded in mind (''but you dont have to agree'')#(i should note also - rick's reply plus the ensuing tweets HEAVILY implies he did NOT actually read my open letter. lmao.)#dipped off twitter for a couple of weeks. came back to post his blog posts responding to criticism about Piper and Sam#and then left social media completely. people kept talking. oh look new book pspspsp. look show pspspsp.#but so. yknow. i did that. it was ME!!!!!! and i will never let him forget. i know what he did.#i will never let him live down shitty PR move to try and sweep those bad blog posts under the rug
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What are your ryomina headcanons? I've loved these two since I played P3 FES, and I'm so excited to get back into the fandom^^
hi!! thank you so much for the ask, welcome back to the p3 fandom, it's always a delight to see new and old ryomina fans alike! 🥺💛💙
as for headcanons, here's a "few" i that i tend to come back to a lot! my interpretations of them are influenced from both the source material and other's fanworks, so i've linked to them as i saw fit! hcs in no particular order under the cut because oops this got long (900 word bullet point list, mentions of reload content up to 1/1)
minato's hair is dyed blue (hair originally brown, you can see it in his roots!) and he has a beauty mark on under his left eye. i like mirror imagery and there's definitely a few arts i've rb'd that portray them this way :) (e.g. this one by feliichu and this one by marasschino)
as far as i'm concerned the bathhouse scene from the manga where ryoji's hair down = similar shape to minato? that is canon to me. this art from xierru is a fun depiction of hair down ryoji :D
ryoji is homeless. everyone say thank you foxmulder_whereartthou for this awesome fic it's why i have the headcanon! but like seriously. we have no idea where ryoji lives and i could believe this.
minato dying at the end of the game is sad to an outsider's POV BUT!!! ryomina gets to be together in death for the rest of their lives (this illustration from mafuwara is a gorgeous representation of them as nyx avatar + the seal)!
speaking of the seal, they are like telepathically communicating to me in the great seal together. (mymp3 had a comic wip with this. give it a looksie :D)
ryoji likes cuddling with minato because he's warm :) (something something orpheus has fire affinity, minato is warm by extension and ryoji is cold because he's death)
ryoji's camera roll is filled with pictures of minato! ryoji... loves life, to me. and i feel that photography and journaling are perfect ways of expressing gratitude and capturing the moments in life that are most important to you :3
my other favorite activity for these two is stargazing- i feel like it's something they could appreciate either in life or death (looking at the stars from the great seal...)! they do a bit of this in the fic eurydice's vow by crescentmoontea (P5R spoilers, takes place in third sem it's a very fun fic concept).
between ryoji and minato i feel like ryoji was the one who fell in love first- and it doesn't really click in place for minato that he loves ryoji until december hits (appriser reveal + ryoji transforming into thanatos). its about the realization that ryoji was with him for his whole life and that he gets him like no one else does.
ryoji is like a sad and wet puppy who is so scared minato won't like him back. he is so scared of being rejected by minato to me like. this boy straight up deflates after he does his "i know i said i wanted us to be friends, but... i actually want to be something more." / "what about you?" on 12/1 ???
AND SPEAKING of wet puppy ryoji. ryoji is like. every animal in the world to me. he's a bird. he's a cat. etc. and also ryoji knows every language in the world ever and uses it to express his love for minato. see this fic from superheroics to see what i mean.
both of them are lactose intolerant. "this isn't lactose, it's milk!" i definitely think ryoji would make himself sick eating ice cream and milk he doesn't know what lactose is. (i made a silly poll about this once and the tags were very entertaining.)
i see minato as transmasc or nonbinary depending on the day (schrodinger's headcanons babey they're simultaneously true and not true at the same time!!). either way he's not cis to me and ryoji is like. His Gender. anyway go read this fic by nail_gun for t4t ryomina :D !
ryomina are WEIRD GUYS TO ME!!! they are so strange and they understand each other better than anyone else because of the circumstances of their relationship!!! if you asked them to do the "i wonder what i taste like" meme i think they'd start biting each other (affectionate) tbh but that's just me.
after ryoji gives minato the music box in 12/31 on reload, minato listens to the music box every night in january. this boy has insomnia and also chronic illness to me (things that housing death does to you). but i think he finds comfort in the melody and memories he made with ryoji.
in general, i think it's fun to imagine minato taking ryoji to places and show him things he's interested in! i feel that ryoji takes a lot of interest in minato's life, this isn't really a hc because in reload, minato DOES give ryoji a tour of the school (11/9) and possibly port island (11/12). but ITS CUTE OK! (tangentially related fanwork: this series of doodles from vinnigami: 1, 2, and 3)
not a hc but minato's kindness is like the backbone of their relationship and i think we would not have the ryomina we know and love today if minato wasn't such a kind soul. oh minato.... we can learn so much from you... like ryoji did!
anyway! that's all the hcs that i could think of, thank you for the ask! i had a lot of fun answering this, these two mean a lot to me 💛💙
i hope you don't mind the links to the fanart and fanfic as well, the fanwork people have made for ryomina have really made an imprint on me! if you want to see more of them, i definitely recommend looking through my tag for them because oh. i got a lot of them reblogged alright 😂 (<- SOOO NORMAL)
#UMMM hiiii#this was VERY fun to do thank you so much for the ask!! im very. well-adjusted about these two#this ended up turning into some art + fic suggests (they are like citations to my hcs)#but it was really fun! i love ryomina to bits and pieces i cannot provide a concise answer#this post nearly gave me a scare bc somehow the bullet point list doubled itself and wouldn't let me post#tumblr is a very functional website! but the posts intact so im happy!!! yippee!#i still need to finish reload but some of the hcs i wrote were partially backed by what i saw there#people are welcome to send asks btw! cant guarantee i'll answer them in a timely manner but i enjoy doing them#doing this reminded me of my early tumblr days when i'd get so many asks where ppl dropped their ryomina hcs it was cute...#im sure i will continue to recommend fanworks in the future i definitely want to start reading fic again after i finish reload! yahoo!#also this post is like the iceberg of my brain btw you have definitely not seen all of my thoughts im soo. (twirls hair) normal.#lizzy askbox#ryomina#<- why not i put effort into the post#anyway bye im going to go to the library to learn about my favorite new interest called html and css aren't websites cool :)
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...
#aye. in another life i would have loved to be an illustrator#i dont like to do digital tho and i dont wanna b a starving artist and i like science too much#but it would make me so hsppy if i was allowed to draw all day everyday#forever and ever drawing#but nooo i wanted to get a phd in microbial evolution. and im procrastinating working on my preproposal#literally doing anything to not work on it. i coulf have been a illustrator. an endocrinologist. a neurobiologist. a paleontologist. but i#chose microbial ecologist then thought no fuck ecology and went for photosynthetic mechanisms#bc i do love my lil cyanos and i do love Microbiology. i love those underapprecated lil guys#the world is so big and beautiful and all i wanna do is understand. but my stupid brain doesnt work right and ive burried my wonder for so#long i wonder if ill ever have it back. i was reading a bunch of lil notes i wrote this semester and i go from#everything is so beautiful i cant stand it. there are angels in the sunbeams and they feel like healing. to im the world around me is#warping beyond my control. i cant feel any joy. my head is sending me terrible ideas but im not even scared. it feels inevitable#but last week i was so full of energy i couldnt sleep. nothing changed but the chemicals in my head#hopefully next semester will b better and i can stop feeling like damaged goods and feel bad fro my advisor#for having to deal with me. hes v nice and has a bip0lar brother so he's sympathetic but i wish he didn't have to b#i want to stop fantasizing about being something else and just focus on being better at what i am#but im such a pathological perfectionist that its so difficult to make any progress. but whatever ive been feeling alright for the#past week or so. hopefully that carries through. and maybe somedsy i can illustrate something for my precious baby cyanobacteria#unrelated
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I love ex boyfriend bakugo so much you don't even know
actually i do know because i feel the SAME. my love for ex bakugo is unyielding. endless. forever. and i actually wrote a bunch for him a couple months ago when another anon brought it up but... got scared they'd hate what i had down so i....... put it on the shelf. i'll have to find it maybe... if ppl want.
ANYWAY... like. there is truly just no way to go wrong with him. there is just no universe where he isn't either a depressed, miserable, longing ex or an kind, gentle and regretful one (or some variation of). even when he's angry, it's mostly just at himself for being a douche who managed to lose you, and HOW CAN U NOT LOVE THAT??
it's so ironic bc he's such a prickly pear but... he just loves the hardest out of any + everyone. not that i don't imagine the others and just as caring... but for bakugo, it's almost a religious experience, you know? never a phase or an era or something he just does but a... idek. life commitment? goal? achievement? something to be maintained and treasured? all of the above. EVEN IF he's not that good at it (at first... which is debatable anyway), that's still how he feels.
so when u break up... that can't be the end of things. like really i can only imagine it happening circumstantially, cuz i genuinely think that any issues you bring up with him (aside from work maybe), he'd take BEYOND seriously.
too gruff and private? suddenly he's telling u every single emotion he has and asking if he's being too rough. too anal and uptight? suddenly the kitchen is a mess and he hasn't even noticed. hell, even too busy? he'll do his best to fit a whole evening with u in his schedule (he hates mornings more than anything but takes the ass crack of dawn shift just so u can have dinner together most night)... it's like !!!!!!! + reminds me of that post i made talking about how pro heroes are so hard to breakup with bc even when ur pointing out their flaws, they're so used to constructive criticism, they don't even notice ur being insulting LMFAO😭
that aside tho, i can never imagine a bakugo breakup!au without them... you both back together at some point. even if it's ten or fifteen years later like... he spent all that time trying to get better for u... even if he didn't think you'd really come back. (or, as i was trying to write, you breakup with him and he just... doesn't fucking believe u LMFAOOOOO and shoves his booty back into his rightful place sadjkfhakjdsf)
(and bc i have i-can-fix-him disease, i also like bakugo who went thru a traumatic breakup w/ someone who wasn't u... and then five/ten/fifteen years later, you're the one to teach him to love again. or maybe that's not that unique of me LOL).
#bakugo#anyway#this is a mess im sorry but WAHHHHHHHH ADJKFLHADSHFB. I LOVE U BAKUGO IM UR BIGGEST FAN I NEED U#whenever i read breakup angst i'm like#he broke up WITH U. we get back together <3#and god like. reunification / older dating aus#like i sometimes i dont even imagine the dating i just imagine me telling him all his exes are sh*t (not you but imaginary ppl)#and him being like <3#LOL I'M TOXIC#and also the other ex thing i wrote i didnt like bc it ended up being more story than thought#but it was basically abt like... u know. u break up with him over slight miscommunication#and he doesn't even realize??? he's just like ok were taking a break for a couple days lol.#and then ur like no bakugo we broke up lmfao#and he's like. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh absolutely not and calls u every day talking like ur boyfriend until u. realize#he's serious abt changing#ANYWAYYYYYY SORRY FOR THIS IF ITS NOT WHAT U WANTED BYE#caitie things#gen#anon
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anyway i need to hang out with my brother again he is the one person who i am pretty sure knows literally everything about me so he's the only person i trust that i can absolutely not disappoint. nothing i can do could be worse than the sum of everything i've been doing to that poor man (and him to me) the past 19 years
#especially now that im back into literally the only interest we actually share on a deep enough level to enjoy it together LOL#i mean we were also both into hannibal but thats just not an enjoyable show to watch together its too much effort#but wow that time we read das boot slash fanfic on the bus together that was awesome#and the time we wrote fanfic together lol LITERALLY WHY DID WE STOP#he has only gotten cooler and more comfortable with his gayness since then we need to write fanfic again ‼️#anyway i feel sorry for every person in my life but i dont think anyone ill ever know could ever have as close a relationship to me as him#were platonic soulmates lol but like not in the spiritual sense bc its pretty obvious that its not some supernatural bond#its juuuust shared trauma haha and the fact that our trauma is so complex and layered that only we will ever truly understand each other#there has been a really rough patch where we practically did not talk for 4... 5? whole years im serious. maybe on the weekends sometimes#while we were stewing in our own shit. but now were inseperable i think it actually pisses off the rest of our family because every time#theres some event where we meet again (we live like 5 hours apart) we only hang around for like an hour before we get in his car#and drive somewhere and hang out there for the rest of the day and night and only return at like 3am drunk#in a sense i guess were catching up on all the missed time#to be honest we both had some horrible shit going on in our heads me with the transgenderism and toxic relationship#him with his anger issues and (what he calls) psychopathy. like ill say this much he was not a good person as a child he was a devil#he was quite literally what some describe as born evil like u know those satans spawns kids that cut off babys fingers and dissect rabbits#all that yk. and i was his first and most frequent victim due to availability lol and my parents did not know any of it and if they did#they ignored it. so yeah u can imagine the relationship was a little strained and for a long time i lived in fear of him#also due to all the death threats and attempts on my life HAHA its kinda funny because i can say all this all detached now#but i think to anyone else this sounds mad as hell. like im not talking roughhousing or being mad at each other#he was always scarily calm and hyperintelligent he was actually diagnosed with some form of like super high intelligence that#makes kids capable of being really manipulative and thats what he used at every turn. everything was always calculated that was scary#if he was nice to me i would question if he was trying to lure me somewhere to hurt me yk?#anyway. sometimes those old thoughts come back when were hanging out alone but mostly i know hes changed and worked on himself#sorry oversharing oh wow
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dream time
#have to get this down before i forget it#been having weird/not good dreams lately until last night (mere hours ago bc its still dark out this morning)#writing this on my way to work and in the dream i was on the bus to work. however an important difference between reality and the dream is#that in the dream i was sharing my bus ride w mr larroquette. as one does#this was like mouse bites era john im sorry thats the best way i can describe how he looked#and i guess it was like we kinda knew each other?? and we ended up talking about poetry writing and stuff#wish i could remember the specifics of that#at some point we got off the bus and got onto another one unfortunately a common theme in my dreams is going somewhere in a complicated way#and on that bus ride i sat next to him again and he was like oh i normally listen to music for this part of my trip#and i was like ope don't wanna keep you from that! but he didnt mind talking for a bit more and we talked abt music#bc apparently id recommended he listen to the album big world by joe jackson and he said he didn't like it on first listen but hed try again#when we got off this bus and were walkin to where i worked (i guess he worked around there too???)#we went back to talking abt writing and i was talking abt my old poetry writing class and the kind of things i wrote#and he expressed an interest in reading those old poems and i was like oh ok i guess ill look for em#but i was thinking to myself noooo those arent good i wrote those in high school you dont wanna read themmm#and then it became like hard to get down the street bc people were moving slow on the sidewalk (classic new york moment)#so we went out into the street to like cut around#and there was some truck like causing things to get backed up#and so john started like yelling at the truck driver to move out of there LMAO#and i think thats all i remember w him. but i just remember talking w him was very calming and comforting#come on man. what are you doing in my dreams#later in my dream i just remember telling people about this so im telling you all now#anyway .
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GOD I HAD AN IDEA AS I WAS FALLING ASLEEP TODAY
About FaaF naturally
A sad one, TW fir near child death and harm
Involves Xero's attempt at an assassination, or it could be literally just any guard controlled by the Radiance
PK and WL need to talk about something private, and WL looks at the tiny vessel tagging along by her wyrm's side
"Should it be here?"
"It wouldn't understand anything anyway."
"Still, it's...a little..."
He sighs lightly, "Yeah, I get where you're coming from... Vessel, come here."
He kneels down and orders them to sit by the door and wait for them while they talk, says he'll come pick them up once they're done and not to move, then the two go to talk on the balcony and close the door behind them
At some point, Xero/the guard bursts in and attacks PK in the middle of the conversation, managing to take them by surprise and so gets one good swing in before PK darts away and retaliates, pinning them down with soul blades, though he has to keep his wife from killing them on the spot - he doesn't want to be so hasty, knowing they're infected and not themself. He pulls out the sword from his chest and that's when they realise, it's covered in void...
Child harm/near death TW beyond this point
After a moment of shock White Lady, who's closest to the doors, runs out and all her husband can hear is a horrified, heartbroken scream. He feels nauseous, his stomach twisting into knots and feeling like his heart is in his throat as he runs out after her. He sees her in tears, cradling a tiny bundle soaked in void. There's- there's so much void. It covers the floor where he left their child vessel and soaks through his lady's shawl and clothes as she cradles them in her arms.
For a moment he's paralysed, before he just snaps. He flies back onto the balcony, screaming at the possessed guard that he'll kill her, he'll make her pay for this, and he slays them in his rage (something he'll regret and feel ashamed of later), still hitting and screaming at Her well after the possessed person is dead and she can't hear him anymore.
He collapses, panting, near tears, and just gets himself up and stumbles out the door and towards the two, he wants to see how bad it is for himself.
Flower survives, but just barely. They had multiple stab wounds and lost their left arm, if not for their parents immediately healing them they'd be dead. They're barely older than 5, still so very little and defenceless, PK is horrified at how could anyone hurt a baby this young and helpless (hypocrite), even if they're not alive.
They're still on bed rest because that was so much damage and their mother doesn't leave their side and their father only leaves when necessary. They still don't realise Flower's alive and they know they shouldn't be so attached but it still feels like their baby and they can't just leave them. WL spends the entire day by their side, gently stroking their hair and horns with her now permanently void stained hands and softly coos and sings to them
Of course, they quickly realise they ARE alive because no way in hell a toddler is getting this hurt and NOT crying and screaming the second they wake up <3
Which just makes this situation so much worse
#thylacines can talk#faaf au#mentions of child harm and near death in tags too btw#so dont read further if its something youre sensitive to or cant handle rn#i like to write him as more sympathetic in faaf but i cant state enough what a gigantic hypocrite he is#pk: How can you hurt a child?! they're FIVE!#child harm cw#radi: ...dude.#dont make your kid a child soldier but also you cant 'all fair's in war' your way out of stabbing a toddler radi#unrelated tangent but they both suck and god i need to focus some more on FaaF Radi. Ik this AU at times feels like sympathetic PK and evil#villain Radi AU but it's really not. They're both morally grey and while Radi is a bit more. questionable and less sympathetic imo. doesnt#mean shes completely evil. they're both meant to be morally grey and both did equally horrible irredeemable shit that they come to regret#and wish to fix. ik it doesnt come off this way at times because i have my things i prefer to write at times and this AU was always a#relationship dynamic exploration between Flower and all different characters. but neither PK nor WL are by no means forgiven. Most of their#kids range from ''i literally dont care about you you are not my parents dont contact me again'' to ''i hate your guts''#with sometimes an added flavour of ''And I WILL murder your ass if I see you again'' for some of them#(Razor my beutiful wife with unchecked anger issues <3)#sorry if the tags are incomprehensible it is 5 am and i instantly forget anything i write the second i cant read it fully#once i finish writing a tag and it collapses the contents of it instantly leave my short term memory. im not being dramatic btw the amount#of times i have to back out from editing tags to read them back bc i forgot what i wrote is annoying
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this has to be a metaphor. for something
#robo ramble#im just going to read this as a thinly veiled metaphorical critique for the writing of the guild in xrd.#the writers made him faithful to the DQ blue raspberry misty float. all of his character development thrown in the trash completely#missing the point of the entire guild's story in favor of the dairy queen blue raspberry misty float coming back on the menu.#people liked the taste of the misty float but never got the point of its creation. it was only the taste they wanted. you could've easily#recreated this taste but they sought to return it in the worst way possible. without getting the point either.#that misty float ruined the lives of the people around him. and yet diary queen missed the point in favor of genre defining puppet characte#they wrote him back in and just made everyone around him feel like i guess everything is fine now??? its horrendous.#they made venom continue to be faithful to the dairy queen blue raspberry misty float. they tried to convince him that he had saved his#life all along or something??#like?????? the fuck. thats awful. horrible taste in my mouth-- LIKE THE HORRIBLE TASTE OF THE DAIRY QUEEN BLUE RASPBERRY MISTY FLOAT.#like if you wanted to make the dairy queen blue raspberry misty float playable again then just revive eddie and only eddie like tf?? you#could've come up with an excuse to make him live without a host. i mean you came up with bedman suddenly reprograming his bed in his final#moments what that doesnt make sense but ok..........#its better than diary queen blue raspberry misty float#i did it. these gifs have officially made me go insane. please dont read these tags.
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I don't have an insta 😔
I do have to respect that honestly.
#instagram is one of the worse social media apps i use it only to post my own photography and scroll on my fyp which is well curated somehow#btw if you’re trying to date dont communicate on instagram#exchange numbers. keep that boundary and keep it sacred#dont let whoever ur trying to date see your social media presence#even worse if their dms are on silent who tf are you and whose dms are you trying to avoid?surely not mine#how are you going to set up a date with me when your insta DMs are on silent. you havent responded to me and its been 6 hours the day of!!!#how is it 3 pm and its your day off and we were supposed to have a date but youre acting like youre beyoncé omg text me the fuck back#plus you haven’t texted me two whole days#and im mad about it cause that’s a very attractive long haired peruvian man i mean wow! fuck this#had to block cause even if there wasn’t any commitment im not letting myself be disrespected the fuck#anyway if a man asks for your Snapchat specifically he is a serial killer and he will murder you OR he is twenty years old or younger#if a man asks for your TikTok he thinks youre in high school. we all are too classy for TikTok#TikTok is the temu of apps just trashy altogether. you open and there’s aliexpress-reminiscent ads…ew…I’ve only posted a few times#but every time i open the app i feel like I’ll catch lice it just feels unclean#we talk about twitter and how ass it is to use which is fair but tiktok is worse i mean…UI nightmare#a man that uses TikTok is off the deep end you can’t save him#he’s frying up his attention span. meaning he wont be able to focus on you as he should because you are a queen#instead he’ll think about skibidi toilet or some shit does anyone know what that is?i dont#imagine kissing a man having no idea he has that fucking ‘oh no oh no oh nonono’ audio stuck in his head#a man should read a book and even then that should be fucking controlled#im reading Freud right now and its torture. tbf it does happen to be sexuality theories#girl its fucking gross#academia is cooked cause in what world do i get creds for reading the most wack books in the history of ever?#I’ve read 11 books and half of them were boring#this Freud included and its repulsive to read and not even true.#why is it 2024 and im still being taught untrue info just cause old man from old times wrote it#i could clear freud. he literally was a cokehead#in the end he’s a man like the rest of them and if you show him TikTok his brain cells will be cooked#so who won?
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😐🥲
#i...#i went back and read some of the comments on 'One More Tomorrow'#ya know the long multi chapter pokkopiku fic i wrote back in 2018/2019#and there's surprisingly a good amount of readers who... want me to continue it.. 🥲🫨🤕#i really want to continue it!!!!!#but its been sooooo long!!!! 😭#would there be enough readership for it now??#idk like I'm conflicted 😭😭😭#i mean... i guess if enough people really reallly reallyyy want me to finish it...#like if enough peeps rally behind me continuing it... 😭😭#then... i suppose i oughtta 🫨#I've finished multi chapter fics before... so i know i have it in me!!!#took me like 3 years to finish my valeveira fic lmao but the readers were supportive and patient 🥲#i just need time!! im SORRY!!!!#believe me i wanna give porco closure and give pieck all the orgasms lmaoooo 😭😭😭#well porco gives her the sex#ya know what i mean :/#should i make a poll? take a vote???#are we doing this old school like signing a petition??#idk sometimes i go back and forth with it lol#is OMT even any good??😭😭#idk i gotta lotta pkpk feels with snk ending soon#and my love for the ship and the characters and the fic has never wavered!!!!#its late lol too many thoughts abt this 🤕
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...
#ever sit like a corpse in your own body?#im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we#deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to#give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway.#who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in#the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when#projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing#dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will#ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do#something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r#stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even#then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a#broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what?#lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything#done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i#think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with#thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno#whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is#hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse#but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday#unrelated
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👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽some of my skipy lore in the tags i was supposed to bridge it with something else but i forgot what i wanted to say 😭
#i feel like i always show skip as like. a loser.....which he is#and a cheater. hes that too.#and a shit person in general. i dont show that one but he is#he tries to do right by other ppl but he'll always put his feelings first. self centered mf#he got married before he turned 20 he was NOT ready for that shit 😭#literally got married to brandi out of guilt bc he fucked up her life n shit too kinda. even tho she wanted a family she lost a lot of#other shit too#skip experiences a slight hurdle in his life and hes like ''i have to have an affair/fuck/fun away''#man that had high hopes for himself and his future gets frustrated by the consequences of his impulsive actions. more at 11#he thought he'd have a slightly better life than the rest of his family. but then his parents died and he got a girl he'd been dating for#less than a year pregnant and he was like. fuckkk it#started doing some foul ass shit to the ppl around him when he realized there was no getting back up to where he wanted to be#everything culminating into him running away from his family and responsibilities and changing his name#idk i never talk abt my skip broke is alive headcanon anymore 😭 mostly bc i'm not writing my story anyways so it's stagnant yk#hes stuck in limbo while i decide his fate based on what i want to post 😭#IDK WHY I WROTE ALL THIS IN THE TAGS IM PISSED. oh well#hidden skip lore if u read this u get one pass to leave ur wife and kids go fuck sexy bitches in belladonna cove
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meenah: yo harley call in the LOBsTERs
jade: ok!! *she whispers something into her crab comms*
a comically large amount of lobsters proceeds to fall on them
#homestuck#beyond canon#kinda spoilers i guess#homestuck spoilers#yoo someone who can draw please make this into a comic#i mean ill make this into a shitty jpg comic when i come back home but an actually good one would be greatly appreciated#cause the sheer comedic value of this scene that my mind formed overhelms me#also just for clarification the lobsters falling on them are the aquatic animals not the spec ops unit#also i guess this isnt really a spoiler but whatever#homestuck: beyond canon#shit now that im looking again at this post its comedic value is actually shitty#this shizz aint even that funny#but whatever i already wrote this so i might as well post it#also this is like way too many tags for such a short post thats also unfunny as hell but hey it is what it is#so yeah if you read all da tags i gotta admit you a real one#AND if you think the joke isnt the single most unfunny act of wit in existance then you the REALEST one my homie#yo yall also sorry for usin the wrong color for meenah but tumblr aint got meenahs color :((#this is the closest one to meenahs color ig
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