#ill constantly play it probably another 2 weeks and then ill forget about it for 10 months xD

[iamthexweapon]

[ Working on a few drafts and then I'll be heading off to play more video games. Literally been obsessed with playing the Sims. xD ]

[fandom-blackhole]

Hi, are you still taking AU requests, and if so: can I get a 77 & a 94 with Agent Whiskey?

I am ALWAYS down to take more of the AU/Tropes! In fact, I should really reblog that post again because I'm in a bit of a writing stump...

Also, this gives me a chance to really test out my Agent Whiskey writing skills, and I wrote this as a little intro into the world I have planned out for a Whiskey fic

77. In Vino Veritas (I am ashamed that I had to google this...)

94. Hair Brushing/Braiding

Send me an AU or 2??

October. It was already October, and  you were only a few weeks shy of having been with the Statesmen for an entire year. It seemed like yesterday that you were recruited. You could still see the glinting eyes of Champ as he asked you to join his rank of agents. You'd thought he was mad at first, playing along just for curiosities' sake, but one thing lead to another, and for all the coincidences out there you joined the Statesmen and started working on October 31st, Halloween day. Which was a bit laughable if you considered your line of work heavily involving human direction, being a forensic pathologist and all.

A year... you still couldn't really wrap your head around it. But then again, you were still getting used to this job, after all it seemed like the places was was made to keep you on your toes at all times.

"Cherry, darling, you have got to stop staring at you computer like that. Gonna strain those pretty eyes of yours if you keep that up," speaking of keeping you on your toes, you jumped slightly and your eyes jumped from you computer's digital calendar up to meet those of your favorite, and least favorite, fellow agent.

"Whiskey," you sighed out, "Please tell me your here for something more than just to pester me. I do have work to do."

Whiskey only grinned, and pulled out the chair in front of your little desk before sitting down and leaning back into the chair.

"Now, I would never do something like that to you, darling! I just wanted to come check in on you, make sure you're not stressing yourself over your work."

You sigh harder, and run your fingers over your temples, before looking up giving the man across from you, whose eyes were sparkling with playfullness but sincerity, and you couldn't help but shoot a small smile back at him. "I am fine Agent Whiskey, and I appreciate the concern, but I do have quite a bit to do."

"Oh come on, its almost lunch, let me take you somewhere to get something, on me."

He was smirking now, and you were just shaking your head softly. "No, thank you for the offer, but I did pack a lunch, and I plan to eat right here so I can get through the paperwork that has been piling up."

"Please darling?"

You only shook your head again, and sent him a look of, "this is not a fight you're gonna win", and Whiskey sighed before slapping both legs with his hands and standing up, "Well, I guess I won't argue with you this time, but the offer stands whenever you want to take it."

And with that he left you alone in you office as you sigh and relax back into your chair, a soft pang of regret echoing through your chest before you turned back to you computer, this time to actually get work done.

---

He stayed away from your office for a few days. Something that surprised you a bit considering how much he loved to show up and distract you while he wasn't away on a mission. You didn't hate Whiskey, not at all. In fact, you found yourself constantly fighting a loosing battle with how much you were falling for his charms and teasing. He was a good man, and you new that, but it didn't change the fact that he was a serial flirt, and he probably only came to you for how you flustered and reacted to his advances.

When he walked into your office this time, all swagger and shiny white teeth, you had been gathering your things to head down to your lab, nearly running into his chest as you opened your office door.

"Now, Cherry, had I known you were so eager to jump into my arms, I might have come by sooner."

As always, you sighed and felt hear creep onto your face, before taking a step back and clearing your throat, "Agent Whiskey, please, I have to get to my lab, I have work to do."

He just stood there, smirk plastered on his face, before he held his arm out, and said, "Well then, let me have the honor of escorting the pretty lady?"

You just rolled your eyes and shouldered past him. "Agen-"

"Darling, we both know you can just call me Whiskey, you don't have to be all proper with the agent each time."

Shaking your head you started walking down the hall, listening as his booted footsteps followed after you with a slump of your shoulders. "Agent Whiskey, don't you have work you need to be doing, instead of following me down hallways?"

He only chuckled in response, stopping next to you as you stopped in front of your lab's entrance. "Ok ok, i know when I'm unwanted, I just wanted to make sure you knew about the yearly Halloween party, and make sure you're going this year."

You knew about the party. It was one of the few things the Statesmen did together as a way to let loose and hang out with their friends and fellow agents. You'd been invited to come the year before, but considering you went even officially apart of the organization yet, and you knew no one but Champ, you had not gone to the party. And in all honestly, you were planning on doing the same this year. You still felt to new to really enjoy partying with people you barely knew, having only a few people you did actually converse with, and you meant to tell exactly that to Whiskey, but the second you made eye contact you were a goner. He was looking at you with some sense of eager hope, one that made you ache with guilt for even think about telling the man no. Damn those puppy eyes.

"I....I guess I hadn't really thought about it until now. I guess I could show up for a little while."

The grin that spread across Whiskey's face, highlighting his singular dimple in one cheek had you fluttering under his apparent happiness. "Wonderful! I cant wait to see you there, darling. Find me and ill buy you a few rounds of drinks!"

Still grinning he took a step back, before grinning out, "and don't forget to dress up, it is a Halloween party after all."

And with a wink, he turned and left you cursing your inability to withstand his charms as you shakily pulled yourself into your lab.

---

You shouldn't have agreed to this. You felt silly, and standing outside the party venue you found yourself repeatedly pulling on stupid black gloves that went with your "mad scientist" costume. This is ridiculous, you should just turn and leave and just sit on your couch and watch Stephen King movies all night as you eat far to many fun size candies.

But you were already here, you were already wearing this joke of a costume with black smudges painted across your face as proof of a failed experiment, so you just sighed and yanked on the labcoat dress before taking a deep breath and walking into the party.

Your arrival wasn't late, but you certainly weren't early either. The party had already been in the swing of things for a little while as Purple People Eater rang out across the venue. It was obvious that a few of your fellow agents had already been going after the drinks as they partied, and you couldn't help but cringe a bit at the sight of so many people moving about.

You were debating over staying or leaving again when you heard a loud, but very familiar laugh echo from your right. Turning your head, you had to bite your lip to stop from laughing as you seen Whiskey saddle up beside you. You thought he'd been the living embodiment of a cowboy before, but now, there was no doubt about it. Whiskey had really played into the stereotype, doning a pair of chaps with fringe along the sides, a lasso loosely wrapped around the shoulder of his pearl snap button down shirt, a vest matching his chaps fringe and all, and of course his stetson and his usual cowboy boots now paired with spurs for good measure.

"You, darling, really look every part of a beautiful mad scientist, and id love to be put on the mission to take you down," he finished with a wink, and this time you could help the small giggle that escaped you.

"Please, I didn't think you could look anymore like a cowboy, yet here you are looking like you step out of an old western! Where have you parked the horse? Out back?"

Whiskey chuckled, smirk spreading as you teased him, and his eyes lighting up as he leaded down and whispered, "No horse, but you know what they say, save a horse, ride a cowboy."

Rolling your eyes, you scoffed, looking around the room before you turned back to Whiskey and saying, "I remember you promising me some drinks?"

Grinning, Whiskey motioned for you to walk first as he followed behind to the closest bar. If you were being honest with yourself, you could feel your hands shaking with nerves. You'd never really teased Whiskey back like that before, and while you had enjoyed it, and could tell he had liked it as well, you couldn't shake the nerves that seemed to be following you, the nerves that always followed you when Whiskey was near.

You downed the first drink Whiskey had gotten you, even as he chuckled in surprise before ordering you a second as he only sipped on his own iced whiskey in his hand. The two of you talked, well Whiskey mainly talked, telling stories about past missions and what heroing things he's done, though some seemed a little far fetched to believe no matter how much he insisted upon them. You laughed, and teased him a few times, and as time ticked on and you finished more and more drinks, you found yourself enjoying the party and happy that you actually came.

Then, as you started swaying a bit back and forth from the amount of alcohol you had consumed, Whiskey leaned forward and said, "I think its time I get you home. I think you've have enough fun for one night, darling."

You wanted to put up a fight, you were having fun and going home meant that your time with Whiskey would end, that all this false confidence you had gotten from your liquid courage would fade and you'd be back to just flustering at his teasing words as he followed you down the halls or sat in your small office, and you didn't want that.....you were having fun...you were having fun with the man you liked... a lot...."

Looking up, Whiskey was staring at you, deep pools of brown swirling as he took in your face, which only confused you, was there something on your face? But then Whiskey smiled softly at you, and said, "Come on, I'll drive you home," and you could only melt at his soft words and expression as he guided you out of the party and towards his vehicle.

The second you were seated, you felt your eyes dropping, the weight of the day paired with the alcohol finally making you sleepy, making you slur your words as Whiskey asked for you address, but you eventually got it out as you leaned against his side.

You fell asleep on the trip to your home, only waking as Whiskey nudged you and helped you walked to your home. He even took your keys, opening the home for you as you stumbled inside, not even bothering with changing clothes as you walked to your bedroom and collapsed onto your bed.

"I know you're tired, darling, but you need to shange into something more comfortable, or at least get these boots off, Cherry."

You just whined and rolled onto your back, lifting your leg trying fruitlessly to yank the boot off, before you heard Whiskey chuckle and walk over to help. Gently, you unzipped and pulled off your boots one at a time, making sure to lay your legs back onto your bed softly. He stood there for a few seconds looking over you, before asking, "Anything else you need?"

It took you a few minutes, but in your intoxicated state, all you could think about was how ratty your hair must look, and how you didn't want to deal with it in the morning, so with puppy eyes and a slight piut on your lip, you asked, "Brush my hair for me?"

Whiskey startled, not expecting that to be your answer, but he smiled and nodded, "Of course."

Gently, he sat you up on the bed, before sitting behind you with the brush in hand. "Tell me if I brush to harshly, ok darling?"

You just nod, and sigh when you feel the first knots coming free from your hair. Whiskey was so gentle when brushing your hair, treating you like you'd break if he applied too much force, and after each brush stroke, he let his fingers slide through the untangled locks of hair, occasionally brushing against skin and making you shiver. By the time hed finished, you'd fallen asleep from the soothing movements.

---

The next morning you woke up to a glass of water and some aspirin on your bedside table with a note from Whiskey that just said, thanks for coming last night and little drawing of a cherry, and no memory past Whiskey mentioning something about an electronic bull from hell the rest of the night and getting home a blur with only a soft voice and white teeth.

While when Whiskey woke, all he could think about was your words you had not meant to say aloud,, right before you both left the party, "you were having fun with the man you liked... a lot...."

Permanent Tags: @mysticalgalaxysalad @phoenixhalliwell @moodsare @perpetual-fangirl900 @night-snows00 @dumbass-simp-for-fredweasley @stargazingthenightaway @meabravo @just-here-for-the-moment @masteracewindu

Pedro Boys: @blackmarketmummy @djarin-junk @littlemisspascal

Also tagging @writeforfandoms because I thought you might like this.....

Join the Taglist

[thealexchen]

One Year On: Life is Strange 2 Critique

December 3rd, 2020 marks a year since Life is Strange 2 ended. I was inspired by @smitethepatriarchy‘s text posts (here, but there are several other answered asks worth reading) and @suhaplays’s text post (here) criticizing Life is Strange 2 to write a critique about how Life is Strange 2 handled certain themes and social issues.

(tw: gun violence, police brutality, animal death, incarceration, racism. In this essay, I use the word “queer” in a reclaimed sense, as a queer person myself. Of course, spoiler warning for all five episodes of Life is Strange 1 and 2).

A year on, my feelings about this game have soured... a lot. When the game was first announced, I was overjoyed that our new protagonists would be two Latino boys. Finally, we would have a culturally meaningful, groundbreaking video game with people of color and their experiences at the forefront! 

Then the game was met with immediate backlash and I utterly exhausted myself defending it for weeks on Reddit and Tumblr. Throughout 2019, as the episodes came out I became increasingly disillusioned, frustrated, and disappointed with where the story was going. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so damn miserable while playing this game.

Then in the summer of 2020, when Tell Me Why began rolling out pre-release material, I noticed that they posted a Q&A about transphobia, gave content warnings, and discussed at length about their collaboration with GLAAD, Checkpoint, and the Huna Heritage Foundation to make the game with sensitivity and proper research. I cannot speak for trans and gender non-conforming people on whether Dontnod succeeded at doing so with Tell Me Why. But Life is Strange 2 did… none of that.

Essentially, I realized that the reason why I was so frustrated with LiS2 is because it focuses way too heavily on a trauma narrative. This comes off as insensitive to players of color without any content warnings or extensive research.

Sean didn’t have to get kidnapped, kicked in the face, and called a racial slur by a gas station owner. Daniel did not need to watch his puppy get mauled by a mountain lion for the sake of a “difficult choice.” Sean didn’t have to lose his eye for the sake of heightened drama. Sean didn’t need to get called a racial slur and humiliated by his native language/beaten in the desert for refusing to sing. Daniel didn’t need to get shot— twice. Hell, all of “Faith” probably could’ve been cut— how is a church cult that brainwashes Daniel and beats Sean half to death relevant at all to the story?

Even if not all of the game’s violence was racially motivated, the consistent trauma that Sean and Daniel endure does not make for positive representation— or even good characterization. There is a difference between sympathetic characters and well-written characters, and trauma does not make Sean and Daniel any more complex or likable-- just more fucking traumatized.

LiS2 is more grounded in reality, but that also makes plot holes that much harder to excuse (Daniel’s powers being spotted, most of the Parting Ways ending, Sean’s prison sentence). But most of all, it grounds all of Sean and Daniel’s pain and trauma in reality. 

There is no magicking away a town-destroying storm with time travel. Sean can’t keep his dad alive by ripping up a Polaroid. After Max unlocked her powers, she was still a Blackwell student, reconnecting with Chloe, taking photos, saving lives, and uncovering a murder mystery. After Daniel unlocked his powers, the Diaz brothers lost everything. 

The game never lets you forget that Sean and Daniel are homeless, wanted, constantly in danger, and that they are never getting their old lives back. It permeates the entire game, and for players of color, just reinforces a sad, miserable, grim reality about living in the United States. It is, as @smitethepatriarchy said, potentially triggering for players of color, and it is certainly not something I needed to be reminded of.

And the representation of POC? It feels shallow and ill-researched. It would only take a Google search to find out that Dia de Muertos (a holiday to honor the dead, no less) was from October 31 to November 2 in 2016, the year the game takes place, but Daniel only talks about Halloween in episode 1. Sean and Daniel never discuss any Mexican customs, foods, or holidays. Sean doesn’t speak Spanish with his immigrant father, only during a scene when he’s traumatized (again!) by two racists, and again when talking to Mexican immigrants— in jail. Daniel doesn’t speak Spanish at all. Most of their allies throughout the game are white, including Finn and Cassidy, who appropriate Black culture with their dreadlocks.

So what’s left? Sean and Daniel’s existence as people of color is, at worst, just a narrative prop to justify everything that happens to them. They are people of color on the surface only. In a meta-sense, the game only considers the color of their skin and their last names as what is narratively important… yikes.

I don’t have anything against people who genuinely loved the game and were moved by its messages and story. But I can’t help but feel bitter that white players have the luxury of only thinking of this game as a work of fiction and not feeling any personal reliability to Sean and Daniel’s racialized trauma.

I don’t regret playing LiS2, but I do regret all the time and energy I spent defending it in the beginning. I understand now that I shouldn’t let people’s opinions get to me, nor should I feel obligated to like or defend a game for its attempts at representation. But now, I think I understand how queer fans must have felt in late 2015 when Polarized released. After following the game for 10 months, to see that Chloe’s ultimate destiny was to die and Pricefield is another ship plagued by the Bury Your Gays trope (in the ending that the devs clearly put more work into) must have been just as disillusioning and infuriating. I understand why some fans were so quick to unfollow LiS or develop mixed feelings about the series, because that’s how I feel too after following LiS2’s development from September 2018 to December 2019.

Before I end, I will admit that Life is Strange 2 arrived at a time when I needed it. I still stand by my belief that DN did a great job characterizing Sean, Daniel, and Chris without toxic masculinity, which is the best thing they could’ve done for a male-focused follow-up to a game about queer women. I love that Sean is still a canonically bisexual man of color in a major video game and that DN didn’t forget their queer audience. I love the world and characters that DN built, but I still prefer AU fanfictions of their normal lives, without all that trauma. 

So, I will continue to treasure Lyla and her 10 minutes of screentime (aka the only shred of Asian American representation I can get from this series). I still reblog LiS2 fanart to support the artists. I still support Dontnod, because as Tell Me Why has shown, they are capable of researching and writing stories with more sensitivity. And let’s be honest-- I’m still gonna be hella excited if Life is Strange 3 is announced.

But so many aspects of Life is Strange 2 were bungled that it came off as a remarkably average and forgettable experience. A year on, I don’t hate Life is Strange 2, but I am writing this to move on from it.

Thank you for reading.

[alyssamaystewart]

Mental Health Talk

Well it's been a little while since my last post but I thought now is probably a good time to post again especially with all of the craziness of the world still going on and life stresses on top of this, it may be a good time for a brain dump.

My last post was my first ever post putting my mental health down into words which was such an unusual thing for me and still even doing it now just feels so unnatural, there is that voice in the back of my mind saying "Why even bother? What is this even going to achieve? Whoever reads this is just going to see some girl whining about her problem thats probably insignificant to them... People could look at this and think 'who gives a shit, look around at the people with the bigger problems, stop complaining', It's not even going to help you or anyone else.. so why do it?" but I also put that down to my anxieties surrounding this due to the fear of judgement from the people I know and love as well as strangers, which is also a symptom of anxiety and something that is also present in general everyday tasks. I guess that gives a little insight to a small portion of what someones mind goes through when they do suffer with mental heath issues, and thats not even touching the surface...

Where I last left off I spoke of my diagnosis, the age, the possible triggering factors, my current thoughts and feelings on my own personal situation. In looking back at that, I still have no idea as to what triggered my spiral into my poor mental health and I don't think I ever will and this is something I dwell on a lot of the time because I really just want to know, what circumstances in my life led me to here? Where did that downhill spiral really start to show and if it had been picked up at that point in my life, would I be like I am now? I know this is not something I should dwell on, I know I need to forget about this and look forward and look at how to manage the feeling I am dealing this in the present day but its just so hard to do sometimes especially when you are someone that just likes things to get done, I want to pinpoint the trigger or triggers, I want to know the fix and then I want to have it fixed.. so really I look at my mental heath kind of like an object or toy thats been broken and you can look and see whats happened to it, find the right way to fix it and bam, fixed! If only fixing your mental health was that easy..

In looking back over the past few weeks, I feel my mental stability has defiantly taken a blow. Living in NSW (Australia) and working in QLD with all of these COVID outbreaks and lockdowns has left me having to work from home while QLD closes its borders which itself is me working out of my bedroom because I don't have any other space to set up my computer. I had a week in September that my partner and I were going to go away for my birthday for a week to which he had set up this lovely get away to QLD which was to be a surprise to me which unfortunately we had to cancel due to NSW lockdowns and QLD closing us out, and then I was to have a week and a half in October to go down to Tamworth for my brothers wedding and then take the time visit family in Tamworth and Narrabri (NSW) but again due to COVID, they had to postpone the wedding due to friends and family residing in QLD and in lockdown areas. We fortunately took some time off over the October long weekend (weekend just gone) and took a trip to Yamba (NSW) which was lovely to get some time away from home and work but still didn't feel like a break, we blinked and then the trip was over... 4 days can go very quick and I feel like it can take 2-3 days to even wind down for me but all in all it was a good break even though short, it was much needed as I hadn't had a break from work for myself for over a year but now counting the days until I can have that long Christmas Break!

Something thats always been on my mind is how I would like to spend 3-6 months working on just myself, without the worry or work and worrying about how to live. I have actually had this conversation with my therapist and as beneficial as it would be, is also impossible unless you have a strong savings behind you to support you for this time as well as covering any expenses associated with doing this. But then I see people taking advantage of Centrelik benefits and doing absolutely nothing to help themselves (obviously not everyone, but the minority) when there are peple like myself out there wanting to improve their life and find themselves again but we are stuck working full time because we don't meet the standards because we are functioning, but we do this because we have to, we have a what I like to call a "functioning mental illness", we know we have to do these things because people rely on us, because this is what we need to do to live, because if we don't, we don't earn to live and we don't have any option to stop because we don't qualify for the help. Just because we function does not mean our illness is not debilitating, we just don't have any other choice.. but to what cost?

I know that the part I play in my life right now is not sustainable. I work full time on a 38 hour a week contract but work probably 45-50 hours instead, in a job that is constantly growing and incredibly stressful, the way I am at the moment I cannot sustain this for the long term, I am tired, stressed, exhausted and completely drained every week so by the time the weekend rolls around I don't want to do anything else but lay around and recharge. That's not living, thats existing for another person purpose. I want my own purpose..

Want to look at a new carer path? Well you need to study full time for 4-6 years (if you are looking to do uni), but you also need a roof over your head and food to sustain you? Oh well you need a full time job to do this also. So how do you find your own purpose is this day and age? As well as afford the everyday living costs? At the moment, I don't see how. But maybe one day I might.

Well, I think I should wrap this up now. If you are reading this, thank you and I hope in some parts of my blabbering there is something that resinates with you and makes you feel less alone.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #294

“maybe it’s not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate”

Is your bed big enough for two people? Yes. What is your favorite board game? I like Battleship. Have you ever been hospitalized for more than 2 weeks? I think one stay at the psych hospital stretched over two weeks, maybe three. I don't remember. When was the last time you heard someone scream? Irl, probably at some point visiting my sister's family and my baby niece was upset. If you include via audio, a couple days ago when watching Egoraptor's Kingdom Hearts 2 stream. He's a Loud Boy. Who was the last person to call you baby? I have no clue. Why did you last go to the airport? I was going home from Sara's. Have you ever showered with another person? Not since I was a little kid with my sister. Is there something you are keeping a secret from your parents? I mean, nothing major. There are small things I don't tell them, though. Are you able to forget people easily? FUCK to the NO. What disgusts you about bathrooms? Sharing a toilet with literally anybody. Have you ever had gum stuck in your hair? I mean maybe at some point, but I don't think so. What was the shortest amount of time you’ve known someone before you’ve dated them? If you’ve never been in a relationship before, do you watch Scrubs? I knew Jason maybe two/three weeks before he asked me out. We clicked so damn fast. Don’t you hate it when people talk about their relationships constantly? It can become a bit much. I have (had?) a friend who did this profusely to the point it was pretty impossible to have an actual conversation, and then she fell off the face of the planet. Being in love is an absolutely amazing thing, but like... that's not all you can talk about. Do you enjoy old movies? Yeah, there are some great ones. Do your neighbors annoy you in any way? Someone a few houses down has a dog that NEVER shuts the fuck up. I don't know how it doesn't lose its voice. What was the last party you were invited to? A Halloween party hosted by my friend Summer a few years ago. It was a good time. Are you honestly happy with your life right now? N O P E Do you find it fun to pray for people? I don't pray, but even if I did, "fun" seems like the wrong word. Generally when you pray for someone, there's something negative going on in their life, so like... I think "fulfilling" is maybe a better word? Has your mom ever crocheted you a blanket? My mom has deadass been working on a massive blanket since she was in her 20s (maybe even a tad younger), and she's at the tail end of her 50s. She works on it less than once in a blue moon. She started with the intention of passing it onto her kids. Do you regret letting a certain guy slip away? Debatable. It's questionable if I ever would have gotten competent help without Jason leaving, and if I didn't, what if he finally had enough when we were already married with kids (that's what I wanted at the time, anyway)? That would have broken me even worse. What show did you want to be on as a kid? Whatever the Nickelodeon one was where you got slimed lol. Do you have regrets? Of course I do. Does anyone really know you? My mom and Sara, at least. What song do you want played at your wedding? It depends on my partner and songs we consider special. Are you a fan of Taylor Swift? No. I do, however, love me some "Love Story." And you are LYYYYYYINNNNNGGGG if "Picture To Burn" doesn't make you feel like a Bad Bitch. Would you ever dye your hair unicorn colors? I would DIIIIIEEEEE to do that in pastel tints. I wish my damn hair took color well... I have literally only had ONE very effective hair dyeing experience, when my friend spent hours turning it red. It stuck for MONTHS. List 3 of your pet peeves. 1.) Turning tragedy into a competition; 2.) making mental illnesses "trendy;" and 3.) elitists of pretty much anything. Do you type fast? Very. What do you like to put on your pancakes? Typically just maple syrup, but I'll put butter on them if given it at a restaurant. Have you ever accidentally drank spoiled milk? I've taken a sip and immediately realized and spat it out. Have you ever had your heart broken? More like shattered into incalcuable pieces. When you were 3, was your natural hair color the same as it is now? No, I was dirty blonde. Have you ever received a scary message from someone online? Yes, I'm pretty sure. What does your first name rhyme with? "Infamy" is close enough, ig, if we're excluding other names. Do you have freckles on your face? No. I did as a kid, though. Who is your favorite Lisa Frank character? Probably the angel kitty (I had a coloring book, even), but they're all SO pretty. I love Lisa Frank stuff. Does your family always have your back? My mom and dad do, at least. My older sister does, meanwhile it's hard to tell with my little sister. She's not very affectionate and expressive of love to the point I question a lot if she even likes me. What type of wedding do you want to have? Gothic! Are you more of a leader or a follower? A follower, within reason. I'm definitely not a blind one. Do you know anyone with a profession in law? Quite a few, actually. Have you ever Googled yourself? Yeah, at some point. Do you have a regular vacation spot, or do you always go somewhere new? We don't really go on vacations. It's not an expense Mom can really afford. Where were you working 10 years ago? Nowhere. ... 5 years ago? Still nowhere. ... 1 year ago? Nowhere. What's the shortest amount of time you've had between relationships? Like a day. I know it sounds bad, but I left Girt already knowing I loved Sara, and I didn't really have anything to heal from. As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu? We'd have Saltines, chicken noodle soup (which I never really liked), and ginger ale. What's your favorite art style? Probably hyperrealistic fantasy stuff. What time period is considered to be your country's 'golden age?' I don't know, I'm not a history buff. Have you ever done LSD? I've never done any drugs. Are any of your coworkers currently out on maternity/paternity leave? N/A What is your favorite parody movie? Maybe the Paranormal Activity one. I barely remember it, though. What kind of first impression do you hope others have of you? That I'm kind and friendly and really care about their feelings. Do you have a good sense of balance? NOOOOOOOOOO. I stray like a motherfucker when I walk. Have for many years. It's weird. What is your least favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry, ugh. Does your car have heated seats? No. What's something that has been in your local news lately? I don't watch it. What's your favorite internet meme? Oh, I have no clue, I love memes lmao. What is the strangest pizza topping you've ever eaten? Nothing, really. I'm not very adventurous with pizza. Can you name any books or movies where all the main characters die? Not off the top of my head. Do you live alone? No, I live with my mother. What’s the grossest thing you’ve encountered in/at a fast food joint? *shrug* Do you swallow chewing gum? No. Do you ever get goosebumps while listening to songs? EXTREMELY easily. Like that is so, so regular, be it from the lyrics, the singer's voice, or just the music. Are there any amusement park rides you refuse to go on? Why? Most, really. I get dizzy way, way too easily and don't want to faint. What is the best roller coaster you’ve ever been on? I'm afraid of roller coasters, so I can't answer this. Never touched one. Don’t you think black jellybeans are icky? Ugh, YES. What was the last thing you measured with a ruler? I helped Mom use the long, flexible kind to measure the couch because she was gonna move some furniture around. What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever seen? Oh, I'm sure the mountains when driving to Tennessee. I was too young to remember it well, but I can never forget that I marveled over them. Would you rather have a Playstation or Xbox made console? I'm a Playstation gal. What if you were watching COPS and saw your significant other on there? I'm... not gonna lie, if it was Jason for doing something stupid and not, like, murderous, I'd probably cackle. Have you ever tried to write to any celebrities? No. When was the last time you blew bubbles? I ain't got a clue. Have you ever stumbled across a beehive? More like wasp nests. What food(s) make you cringe? Quite a lot, given my extreme selectiveness with textures. More than anything, probably egg yolk. Have you ever played an automated 20 Questions game and beat it? Ha, I actually had one of those! I have, but damn was that hard. Have you been to a restaurant where they cook the food in front of you? Yup, Ichiban. Pretty cool. Do you feel that presidential campaigns make people too competitive? I mean, no. People care about who is going to be the head of their country. Do you find Family Guy hilarious or offensive? Neither. Do you still write letters to people, even though there’s e-mail now? No. Have you ever had an accident involving a microwave? Ha, I'm a travesty of a cook, so yeah. I remember on one occasion I accidentally dialed in many minutes for popcorn and entirely forgot about it. Safe to say I didn't eat it. I've split hot dogs in there, and I'm certain there's more. Do you like the movie Forrest Gump? I adore that movie. One of the best films ever imo. Can you handle heat well? I honestly doubt you'll meet someone who handles it worse than me, especially physically. I have severe hyperhidrosis, so I will literally sweat like a pig in 70* weather. I absolutely cannot handle it. Do you smoke weed? What are your opinions on its legalization? No. Legalize it for at least medicinal purposes. Have you ever had a school shooting at your school? HA, I can promise you my high school must have at some point. Are you usually the first to do something, or are you more of a follower? I don't pay attention to this. What is your favorite way to eat a potato? Fries, yum. Are roses your favorite flower? No, but they're high on the list. Have you ever been to a horse race? No. I think they're abusive anyway. Do you like lobster? No. Have you ever swam in a lake? Yeah. There's one lake I swam in that was so clear you could see pretty far and just watch the fish and turtles. Have you ever convinced someone to show you their private parts? "Convinced"????? That's fucking coercion. I've seen people naked, but not by fucking pressure. What is the greatest treasure you have ever found? My older sister found a cracked amethyst geode once. Idk where it's at now, but I hope she (or we at the house, depending on where it is) finds it at some point, though. My niece has come to love smooth rocks and pebbles, and I think crystals would blow her away, never mind one that size. Do you eat beef? Regrettably. Are you good at card games? I mean, what's the game? I'm not exceptional at any I can think of. What is your favorite musical? I don't like musicals. Did you ever play the Oregon Trail game? Omg yes!!! I LOVED playing it as a kid, especially the 3rd one, I think? Do you watch It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia? No. Who is your favorite country singer? I actually do enjoy Tim McGraw pretty consistently, but I don't actually seek out his music. Do you know anyone who is Mormon? An old best friend was. Do you like grunge? Yeah. What’s your favorite kind of cheese? American. What’s the most historic thing that has happened in your lifetime? Most likely Covid. What’s your funniest story involving a car? It's not hilarious, but once we were behind someone whose license plate said "omw" lmao. What scientific discovery would change the course of humanity overnight if it was discovered? Well, a proven Covid vaccine. Do you think that humans will ever be able to live together in harmony? Nope. What’s the scariest non-horror movie? Idk. What’s the most amazing true story you’ve heard? I'm not sure. What’s the most awkward thing that happens to you on a regular basis? Having to explain my Mark tribute tattoo lmao. What was one of the most interesting concerts you’ve been to? I've only ever seen Alice Cooper, and while it was great, "interesting" seems like the wrong word. Where are you not welcome anymore? Probably Jason's house, at least not by him. Or Colleen's, probably. Idk how she feels about me by now. What’s the most recent show you’ve binge watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender w/ Sara. What’s a common experience for many people that you’ve never experienced? Paying bills. What’s the smartest thing you’ve seen an animal do? I kid you not, our first cat would look both ways twice before crossing the street across our house. (Please do not allow your cats outside.) She'd do it even more when bringing her kittens there too to hunt. Chance was truly incredible. I could really give a lot of examples of her intelligence. I also had another childhood cat (my favorite before Roman) who would respond to a certain clap pattern I'd do if Mom let me bring him inside. Wherever Charcoal was wandering, he'd come running. What’s the dumbest thing someone has argued with you about? Oh, I'm sure it was RP-related stuff as a kid. What’s the longest rabbit hole you’ve been down? I'unno. What’s the saddest scene in a movie or TV series? Possible spoiler warning for a super old movie??? Probably when the main character of Old Yeller had to put the dog down because of rabies. But I cry like a bitch easily, so maybe there's something that tears me up even more or just as badly. What odd smell do you really enjoy? None that are "odd," really. What’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild? I've seen a mink once when fishing with Dad deep in the woods. What’s the best lesson you’ve learned from a work of fiction? Oh, I don't know. I'd have to think for a while & I don't feel like it. What food do you crave most often? Probably ice cream. Who in your life has the best/worst luck? I don't know about best, but my mom absolutely has the worst luck. Which apocalyptic dystopia do you think is most likely? A meteor, maybe? If you had a HUD that showed three stats about any person you looked at, what three stats would you want it to show? I'd want to know if they were criminals or just dangerous. What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen a kid do? Oh, my niece is so funny. One of the things that gave me the biggest laugh (and was most adorable) was this time I was taking family pictures for Ash at a local lake, and Aubree went running into the gazebo, span around totally like in a princess movie, and exclaimed, "It's enormous!" She is such a darling. If people could read your mind, what would they usually find? Just how bored I am, memories of Jason bc trauma, lamenting my disappointment in myself, "why is Mark so perfect," worrying about Sara, thinking of RP character developments... What celebrity would you like to meet? Mark. 100%. I would die to just thank him (if I could get words out, oof) and hug him and try not to soak his shirt in tears lmao. Do you need money to be happy? Don't bullshit me, you wouldn't be happy homeless because you can't afford a home. So to a degree, yes. What's a good idea you've had recently? Hm. What gift would you like to receive? At this current moment, Cloak's (Mark and Jacksepticeye's clothing brand) limited edition "life after death" design for a shirt. It is so fucking pretty, and I love the nature focus. What are you most excited about right now? Honestly? Getting my laptop back. I wanna play WoW lmao. What's your favorite song from a movie? Maybe uhhhhhh was "Supermassive Black Hole" actually written for Twilight? Where would you like to volunteer? I very, very badly want to volunteer to take pictures of animals up for adoption in shelters for like their social medias and stuff. I've asked like the two local places, but no bites yet. What's the last song you listened to? Metallica's cover of "Turn The Page." What's the last YouTube video you watched? I'm watching Gab Smolders play SOMA. Fantastic game.

[kaypeace21]

why is there so much denial of Will being gay?? Like, nothing Will has done has shown him to be anytging but possibly gay. Like, nobody thinks he'z gay because he's a nerd that doesn't have a girlfriend!! We think he's gay because of all the fucking subtext!!!!

There are a few reasons for this, and they’re all (for the most part) rooted in homophobia. 1) There are those who (may or may not) notice the subtext, but ignore it with the excuse of “he’s too young; stop sexualizing him!”. All while shipping lumax, and mileven. Whether they want to admit it or not, this is homophobic! They view (subconscious or otherwise) being queer as inherently sexual, dirty, and adult. And that only straight relationships can be pure and innocent and based on compatible personalities. Straight kids can have innocent crushes (but in their eyes) queer kids can’t- they may not even exist, to them. 

 2) There are some mileven shippers (who whether they want to admit it) hate Will, because the possibility he has powers or is gay- threatens their precious het ship. Because a lot of them don’t see El as her own person (just a part of their ship) or a vessel for being a badass with powers. They don’t appreciate her for the nuanced character she is.  They either get angry at the idea of Will being gay or having powers, or are only happy with him being queer if he’s sad and in an unrequited one-sided love/ or is single forever. Or they’ll say “why don’t you just ship him with someone else… like Dustin?” Ignoring the fact Dustin hasn’t been queer coded like Mike (or had romantically coded scenes with Will), or that people ship byler for Will and Mike, not cause it’s simply m/m. I mean, can you imagine byler shippers saying ‘Just ship El with Dustin, it’s a guy and girl… it’s practically the same thing”? No, of course not! It shows their bias- and how they feel privileged and entitled to their straight ship even though there are millions of similar ships in media to choose from- unlike queer ships which are far and few in between. However, we’re supposed to be the ones who pick another option- and are told our ships are ‘all the same’. Whether they are aware of this bias, they consider queer ships a joke, and all the same.

3) Those who relate to Will and his struggles,  hate the idea of relating to a queer character. There is a reason why shows like ‘Will &Grace’ in the 90s were popular, but even today the second a character who people assumed was straight is revealed as lgbt+ viewers get angry! It’s because they feel ‘tricked’ into liking, relating and empathizing with a character that they would otherwise have immediately put in a ‘box’ and  distanced themselves from . Whether they are aware of it or not, they would immediately attribute stereotypes to them and never try to empathize with them, because ‘they’re gay, and ‘how can I relate to that’? They don’t want to relate to them (because subconscious or otherwise) they think being gay is bad or just too foreign.They don’t see queer people as full-fledged people. They’re just gay- nothing more.

Which is why when they angrily say “he’s just afraid to grow up, HE’S NOT GAY!”  They are essentially saying a gay, abused kid, who has ptsd, and was violated by the MF (and was also hinted m**ested by Lonnie too) can’t be afraid to grow up, since he lost his childhood. Only straight people have these type of human-fears and characterizations!

Forget the fact, that Will also wouldn’t want to grow up- because than he’d have to acknowledge his sexuality (at a time where all you heard about gay men was they were evil , mentally ill, going to hell and dying of aids as a punishment by god). Not to mention Will’s ptsd and the fact he lost 2 years of his childhood on top of that.He even says “I’m not … going to fall in love” (not convincingly) , right after the movie date with Mike.

4) They’re so used to straight media, and everyone being presumed straight and having media catered to them (the straight audience)- That they’ll ignore or miss every hint there is a queer character. 

So what are the hints of Will being gay (or at least- some other lgbt identity.

Called many homophobic slurs  since s1 ( specifically ”queer, fag, fairy, and gay”) by his dad and bullies. Jonathan in s1 tells Will to “not like things just because people tell you you’re supposed to, especially not him” ( ‘him’ referring to their dad). Is positioned behind a rainbow apple poster in the av room (ref. to Alan Turning the gay creator of computers), dances with a girl with a rainbow hair-clip, has rainbow bandaids, has his mom says she’s ”so proud” (lgbt+ pride ref) of the rainbow ship he drew . When Will disparages himself as a “freak”, Jonathan asks Will, who would you rather be friends with-  David Bowie (who was openly bi since the 70s) or Kenny Rogers? Will says Bowie, and Jonathan agrees saying “see, it’s no contest”. In the pitch to netflix the Duffers described Will as having “sexual identity issues”. In the leaked s2 snowball script it says “he’s not looking at the cute girl- but Mike.”

All of s2 directly paralleled ‘romantic s1 mileven scenes’ to ‘supposedly platonic byler scenes’. No joke, they had identical scenes, with almost identical framing and dialogue, but it’s all dismissed as friendship (even though the scenes are identical).Byler was also  paralleled to Jancy, Stancy, Jopper, bob/joyce and others. . You can headcannon Will as whatever you want, but like it or not- Will is queer and m/m! We could debate his exact queer sexual identity , but Will was never written and will never be written to be ‘straight’! Stay mad!

If Will was Wilma, the majority of the fandom would be byler shippers. Think about it! Mike having byler scenes that are identical to s1 mileven scenes, and then additional unique byler scenes. Mike staying by Wilma’s side 24 hours a day for several days (not even changing clothes), carrying her out of the hospital, grabbing her hand (with a zoom in shot),constantly asking her if she’s okay at least 5-7 times, putting his arm around her twice, being the only one who could tell something was off with her (and it wasn’t her normal type of quiet). Calling and running all the way to her house and banging on the door to check on her, desperate. Proclaiming “i’m the only one who cares about Wilma!” Watching her sleep cause he’s so worried, that shed scene reminiscing about how they first met in perfect detail, saying “I asked, I asked if you wanted to be my friend. You said yes, you said yes. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. (like a marriage proposal)”  The “crazy together” scene. Them being close since they were 5 vs the girl he knew for a week (but is somehow in love with?). If the witness said about El in s1 , “ same height… it could be the Byers girl”, instead of ‘boy’ (pointing out the resemblance). Mike getting into fights and getting upset (almost crying) about the bullies insulting Wilma. Mike having a whole binder of her drawings and caressing one of the drawings, after he thinks she died.  Being the only one of her friends to stay awake at the hospital, waiting for her to wake up- so he can see her and hug her first. Almost everyone would be team byler if Will was a girl- they probably would of started shipping it the second Wilma stared at him and was the only one who didn’t lie to him, in the first ep! Another parallel to El! 

And again think about s3 if Will was a girl.They paralleled the (comedic) mileven breakup vs (the sad/serious) byler breakup. Then Mike just complained and burped on the couch vs apologizing to Willma multiple times/even going into a storm to apologize a 2nd time (and to ‘talk’). Willma having a breakdown over the fight vs El laughing and high five-ing Max after.The shed vs the pool shed scene- “best thing I’ve ever done” vs “you’re the most important thing in the world to me”, “blank makes you crazy’ (as El stares confused) vs “crazy together’ (where Wilma says ‘yeah, crazy together). Mike going on ‘movie dates with Willma all the time’ right after making out with El. The last mileven kiss where Mike has his eyes open the whole time, doesn’t kiss back, and says he doesn’t remember saying “I love her” to El (and doesn’t say ‘I love you’ back). Right after having a talk with Wilma about playing games when she comes back (the crux of their fight). Mike getting excited that he’ll be able to visit El and Wilma on Thanksgiving and them visiting him on Christmas (those are holidays where family usually introduces their S.O.) Having the last scene of Mike,  be him looking back at Wilma’s house, and have that whole monologue in that scene be about “feelings changing”, and then he goes to hug his mom like the s1 byler scene where he thought Wilma was dead. And that’s not even all the scenes- and every time byler won by a landslide. If Will was a girl, it would be obvious writing on the wall, that Mike would eventually choose Wilma over El by the end of the series.

But since they are 2 boys, we’re delusional, because queer kids don’t exist … apparently.

[unfolded73]

Take Me Away with You (1/2) - millian ff

My take on Milah and Killian’s early days. This part ~5k words. Rated Explicit.

This fic includes descriptions of alcohol abuse, depression, and suicidal thoughts. It arose out of a desire to write about Milah's state of mind when she left Rumple and Bae, so she's in a very dark place. I’m also picturing Killian as the young man he would have been at this point and not quite the way Colin looked in flashbacks.

If you’re reading this on mobile, I apologize for the wacky line spacing. Feel free to go read on ao3 and then come back and reblog here. :)

~~~~~~~~~

“Take me away with you.” All it took were five simple words to change her life forever. Five words she spoke on impulse with no foresight, no planning. Five words that tilted the whole world on its axis, although no one knew that then. Least of all her.

~*~

Sometimes Milah tried to tell herself that she had loved Rumpelstiltskin once: that her love had died on the vine because of the shame he brought down on them and the financial hardship that followed. But in her more honest moments, even before Killian Jones awoke her frozen heart, she knew that wasn’t true. The fact was, she had probably never loved him. Liked him, yes. Thought he’d be a decent father, yes. Thought he’d provide an exit from the home where her father drank too much and hit her, well, that was the crux of the matter, wasn’t it? A woman desperate for escape can’t always be choosy about the mechanism of that escape. Rumpelstiltskin was her escape.

She’d never been someone who could keep her feelings from being written clearly across her face. She could barely keep them from spilling out of her mouth most of the time. Alone in their tiny hut, Rumpelstiltskin out trying to sell his wool or begging for scraps to keep them fed, she would put the baby down for a nap and then collapse on her own bed, her teeth clenched tight as if to try to trap in the words. But it wasn’t invective against her husband that she muttered into her pillow, tears leaking from her eyes.

“I hate myself,” she’d whisper in those moments, wishing she could wail it at the top of her lungs. Imagining finding a high cliff and hurling herself from the edge of it. “I hate myself.”

Then Rumple would come home with a meager few coins or a loaf of stale bread, and the self-loathing monster she carried would wheel around and lash out in his direction, perhaps just for a change of pace. “How can we go on living like this?” she’d ask. “How can you be so useless?”

Milah’s days dragged on as her baby grew into a boy, her box of paints and charcoals shoved in a corner for longer and longer stretches. Most of the time she felt like she was wading through treacle, constantly tired, returning to bed at even the slightest hint of illness. She had traced the wood grain of the wall next to her bed so many times with her fingernail that the softer wood was eroding. It left a slight indentation, giving the natural grain a three-dimensional structure. The artist in her appreciated it, even if it was evidence of her boredom and discontent.

Bae had the limitless energy of the young, and only his childlike innocence and wonder were capable of raising her from her mental stupor during that time. She would walk down to the pond with Baelfire’s small hand clutching her own and sit on the bank, watching as he stood in the shallows and tried to catch darting minnows in his fists. Those were the good days, when warm sunshine burned away the cobwebs from her brain, and she could recognize that she’d done at least one good thing in her life, bringing this child into the world. On days like those, she thought she might even want another baby, if only they could manage to scrape enough money together that another mouth to feed wouldn’t be too burdensome.

That was before Rumple sold away their potential second child, which was the beginning of the end. That was before she met Killian.

Even in the midst of her desperate worry about Baelfire’s illness, she felt a pull toward that charming man in black and red who defended her honor so easily, who gracefully took a seat next to her as he offered her a drink. He smelled of leather and rum, the warm tavern causing sweat to gather in the depression at the base of his throat. She didn’t think she’d seen anyone in her entire life, man or woman, who was as… beautiful as he was, for lack of a better word, and she found it genuinely startling. Perhaps she couldn’t forget her worries (and shouldn’t, not when her son’s life hung in the balance), but she was momentarily distracted from them by this man. This man who kissed the back of her hand for just a moment too long but politely withdrew when she told him she was married. When she closed her eyes that night, it was his blue eyes she saw as she drifted off to sleep.

It was weeks before saw him a second time.

Milah’s ears would perk up whenever there was a whisper in the market about pirates in port, but the men she saw in town were grizzled and dirty, missing teeth and limbs, a far cry from the handsome Captain Jones. Then the day came when she was carrying a load of washing -- menial work for a meager few pennies, but at least it would put some food on the table -- and she spotted him across the street. She dreaded that he would turn and look her way and see her laboring under her heavy burden of laundry: sweaty, disheveled, her hair a mess. Not that he should want to look upon her under the best of circumstances; she was too old and too plain for a man like that. Milah put her head down and walked faster. She resolved to stop looking for him and stop thinking about him.

Her resolve lasted about five hours.

Knowing he was probably still in port, that night she put on her nicest blouse and tamed her hair and walked down to the tavern, if for no other reason than to see his face again.  There he was, laughing and drinking with his crew, but he continually scanned the room and he noticed her within a few minutes of her arrival. Clapping a crew member on the back, he approached with a wide smile. Milah’s heart galloped.

“I was hoping I’d see you again,” he said, standing just a bit closer to her than was proper, swaying from side to side on his booted feet.

“I didn’t think you’d remember.”

He seemed genuinely surprised at that, and as the flirtatious smirk fell away she was struck by how young he was. Younger than her, to be sure.

“Of course I remember, how could I not?”

She didn’t know what to say to that. She felt so plain next to him, the embroidery on his vest finer than anything she had ever owned, the dark lines under his eyes dramatic and sexy. Why did he notice her at all?

He swayed closer still. “I’ve thought of you often during my lonely nights at sea.” An eyebrow waggle completed the innuendo, and she found herself laughing. Milah couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed.

“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked.

Milah shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

~*~

They met a few more times in the tavern after that, but there was nothing but a harmless flirtation between them at first. He taught her to cheat at dice and cards and to drink rum, always with a smile on his lips that made her think about what kissing him would feel like. When she was in the tavern with him, she felt like a different person. She felt like someone who was adept at holding the attention of a man. She almost felt happy.

But Killian’s visits to their port were separated by absences of days or weeks, and during those times the monster on her shoulder became bolder. Telling her how worthless she was every time she couldn’t muster the energy to play with Bae. Telling her that her drawings were a waste of time and energy and money, canvases an extravagance that she didn’t deserve. Converting her self-loathing into a fuel to feed the flames of her antipathy toward her husband, and then berating her when their arguments made Bae cry or shout at them to stop.

Liquor made the monster quiet down, she had learned. And it wasn’t like she had to spend any of her own meager coin in the tavern, not when a certain pirate was in port. A few drinks and she could feel the monster coiled around her shoulders drift off to sleep. The release was a kind of euphoria. She would gamble with the boys -- Killian always spotted her a stake and covered her debts if she lost, but let her keep her winnings if she didn’t -- until the table began to swim in her vision and she leaned too heavily against the Killian’s shoulder, unable to hold her head up any longer. Her memories of him seeing her home (not all the way to her door, of course, but close enough that he could ensure she got inside safely) were jagged and fractured with drunkenness, but she knew he never took any liberties, even when she stumbled and let her hand drag across the back of his leather pants.

She would pay for her behavior the next day, often too sick to get out of bed. Rumple would take Bae with him into town, perhaps to give her some peace but more likely so he wouldn’t see his mother retching into a bucket. And of course her monster would awaken, refreshed from its sleep, and tear into her for being a drunk and a layabout. The old images of jumping from a cliff would return, and Milah would lie still in her sweat-soaked bed, too empty to even weep.

~*~

“May I walk you home, Milah?” Killian’s elbow pointed in her direction. The tavern was closing, but somehow she was less inebriated than usual. Killian himself had filled up her senses, distracted her so completely with his charm and his flirting that for once she forgot to drink herself into senselessness.

“You can walk me anywhere else but home.”

He arched an eyebrow at her as if he was trying to parse her meaning.

“Take me to see your ship. I’ve never even seen your ship,” she said, desperate not to return to the dirty hovel where she lived. Not really thinking about the implications of her request.

He did as she asked, but she could sense the tension rolling off of him as they walked through the night to the harbor. The first thing she spotted were the masts with their furled sails against the backdrop of the night sky, a full moon impossibly bright behind them.

As they walked up the gangplank, she could make out brightly colored paint along the gunwale and on the hull, yellow and red and blue. “It’s beautiful,” Milah remarked.

“Aye, that she is.”

“Sorry, ‘she’s’ beautiful.”

He smiled at her, leading her up some stairs to the large wheel which she presumed he used to steer. She could imagine him out on the open ocean, his dark hair tousled by the wind as he gave orders to his crew and bore down on another vessel. She dragged her fingers over the wooden knobs of the wheel, picturing his long fingers gripping them. “Is it difficult, sailing?”

Killian shrugged. “There’s a lot to learn, I suppose. How to deploy each sail to get the most out of the prevailing winds, navigating using the stars, reading the weather… but I grew up on ships.”

He had never spoken to her of his childhood before, and she was suddenly desperate to learn more about his beginnings. “Was your father a… a pirate?”

“My father was too much of a coward to be a pirate,” he muttered, turning and lifting a hatch. “Come below, darling, and let’s have a nightcap.” He descended the steep steps before her, turning and reaching a hand up to assist her. Milah paused. She knew what nightcap was often code for. Milah might be a lot of things -- a drunk and a gambler and a poor excuse for a wife and mother -- but she wasn’t an adulterer. She could go now, and perhaps Killian would be disappointed, but she didn’t think he would hold it against her. He wasn’t that kind of man. She could go home where she belonged, with her husband and her son.

Taking his hand, she allowed Killian to help her down the stairs.

The chamber was dark but he quickly lit a lantern, revealing a fairly spacious room. There were cabinets filled with books and trinkets, a large table, and a bunk in the corner. The white walls reflected the lamp light in shades of yellow, giving the space a homey feel.

“This is nice. Larger than I imagined,” she said as he pulled a decanter of wine from a shelf.

“Well, I am the captain.”

Milah flinched. He was the captain, and a man like him could have his pick of women in every port. Likely did have his pick of women in every port. She flushed with embarrassment at her notion that he wanted to bed her. Perhaps he merely wanted to drink with her, his matronly friend whom he felt sorry for because she was destitute and lonely. Perhaps he was at a loss for what to do with her now that she was in his chamber, and was trying to figure out how to get rid of her without hurting her feelings.

Killian handed her a cup of wine and clinked his own cup against it. She sipped from the cup, feeling awkward, regretting that she’d come here. Regretting that she’d ever met Killian Jones. Killian was the only thing in her life that made her feel anything, but she wasn’t sure if her current discomfort was worth it.

“I’d best be getting home,” she said, and she watched Killian’s face fall.

“To your husband,” he said flatly.

“Yes.”

He walked over to the windows, looking out into the night. “Do you love him?”

“Does it matter?”

Killian turned and met her gaze. “Aye, it matters a great deal to me, love.”

She tried to ignore her pounding heart. “Why?”

Approaching her slowly, his lips quirked up in a half-smile. “Do you not wonder why I can’t seem to stop myself from returning to this port, Milah?”

She didn’t know how to answer, and she swallowed on a suddenly dry mouth.

He put his large hand on her arm. “I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop dreaming about you.” His eyelashes fluttered as he dropped his eyes to the floor. “If there’s no chance for me, then please just put me out of my misery now, love.”

She wasn’t sure who initiated the kiss. At first it was just an imperceptible lean toward him, a sway into close orbit, and then suddenly his mouth was on hers. It was a tiny thing, the touch of one human’s flesh to another’s, and it was everything, an explosion of sensation and emotion the likes of which she had never experienced.

“Stay with me tonight,” he whispered against her lips, and she was so fuzzy with desire that she couldn’t quite process what he was saying. Without even realizing how it happened she found herself seated on the edge of his bunk, her skirts bunched up as he stood between her legs, his mouth everywhere on her neck as his hands cupped her breasts.

Even as they undressed frantically between heated kisses, she was certain this couldn’t really be happening. It felt like a daydream. Surely this worldly young man couldn’t want her this way. And if he somehow had convinced himself that he did, the sight of her body with its blemishes and stretch marks would put him off.

Milah kept thinking this even as his naked body covered hers, his desire evident in the thrust of his cock against her. Only when he was inside her did it click in her head with sudden clarity. She was fucking another man.

He was beautiful above her, dark hair on sun-kissed skin, his toned muscles flexing and voice breaking on each push into her. It felt good, a gentle, diffuse pleasure, the not-quite-enough pleasure that sex had always been for her. She clung to his shoulders and watched as Killian lost himself in his body’s demands.

“Gods… Milah,” he gasped.

“Don’t come inside me,” she said. “You can’t--”

“Aye,” he grunted, seeming to understand. She brought one hand up above her head and braced herself on the wall as his hips pistoned into her again and again until the last possible moment when he pulled out quickly. Two pumps of his fist and he groaned, his seed landing harmlessly on her stomach.

The gentle kisses he pressed to her shoulder after he’d cleaned them up and settled at her side should have been comforting, but they just made her feel worse. She didn’t deserve such tenderness, not after breaking her marriage vows so completely.

“I need to go home,” she whispered.

“Not yet,” Killian said, his voice husky, his hand trailing over her skin and making her shiver. “Don’t go just yet.”

The simple affection made tears well behind her eyes, something that in and of itself was remarkable; she’d started to think herself incapable of the genuine emotion that could bring about tears.

Shaking her head, Milah rose from the bed and began to quickly pull her clothes back on. “I’m sorry.”

~*~

By the time Milah returned to town the next day, the masts of the Jolly Roger were gone from the harbor. As she moved through the streets, she felt as if everyone’s eyes were on her, that they all must be whispering that she’d become a pirate’s whore. Never mind that the fact that she drank and gambled with pirates was enough to make people whisper -- now that she was guilty of the crime she had likely been accused of some time ago, now she felt the full weight of their stares. A part of her wanted to turn and scream at anyone within earshot that yes, she’d fucked the pirate captain. And that being his whore was preferable to the life she’d been consigned to.

It was weeks before Killian returned, empty, grey weeks through which she sleep-walked. Milah would lie awake at night, closing her eyes only to find her thoughts plagued with what his mouth had tasted like, what the drag of his skin had felt like against hers. She started to believe that once he’d bedded her, Killian didn’t plan to return. Perhaps he only cared for her as much as a she had been a conquest, a wife and mother seduced away from her home and into his bed. Now he had no further use of her.

She became so convinced of this that when she heard whispers that his ship had returned, Milah didn’t bother to go to the tavern. The next morning, however, his cabin boy approached her on the street as she made her way to the market.

“Captain wants you to come to his cabin, missus.”

Milah’s heartbeat sped up, but at the same time she felt a flare of anger for being summoned as if she had nothing better to do than wait upon Captain Jones.

“I have errands to tend to,” she responded.

“Then come as soon as you are able, if it please you.”

She waited until dusk, late enough that she wouldn’t be seen boarding a pirate ship in broad daylight, but early enough that he wouldn’t be out carousing yet. The pirate standing watch at the gangplank allowed her to board with a nod and a relieved smile. Another escorted her below.

Killian swept her into his arms immediately. “Milah, my love, I missed you.”

She held herself tense, uncertain how to feel. “You did?”

“Aye.” He pulled away a fraction but continued to hold her. “We had to sail many leagues to find a worthy target this time. Finally I was able to run down a royal galleon. It took us days to follow it into the straits so that we could overtake them without being outmaneuvered. I wanted to return right away, but the winds were against us.” Shooting her a sheepish smile, he added, “Still, at least my ship’s coffers are full now. I’ve been returning to this port so often lately, I knew I had to find a rich prize on this outing or risk a mutiny.”

“Why have you? Been returning to this port so often lately?”

He reached up and stroked her cheek. “I think you know the answer to that, love.” Then his eyes widened. “Ah, I just remembered!” He let go of her and turned back to his shelves, unlocking a safe with a key he’d pulled from his pocket. He removed a small bundle with some reverence, unwrapping the cloth to reveal a pair of large, turquoise earrings. He held them out to her. “A gift for you.”

Milah gaped at them. “Those are worth more than everything else I own put together.”

“All the more reason I want you to have them. Wear them, or sell them if the money would do you more good than the jewelry.”

“Killian, I can’t accept a gift like this from you.”

“Of course you can.” He took her hand and turned it palm up, putting the earrings in her hand. “Take them. I want you to.” She met his eyes. “Why?”

“Because I thought you deserved something nice.” He gave her a self-deprecating smile. “Because I saw them and thought of you. Because I’m very fond of you, Milah.”

Closing her fist, she tucked the earrings into the pocket of her skirt. “Thank you.”

He took her in his arms again. “Can you stay a while?” he murmured, leaning in for a kiss.

The sex was much like before, and though she wanted it, wanted him, she found it no more satisfying than the first time. Milah knew there were women who claimed to enjoy sex as much as men, and she’d always thought that Rumple was the reason that she got more enjoyment from her own hand than she ever did from their coupling. Now she had to face the fact that she was the problem, that this was one more way that she was deficient. Either that or her pirate lover was no more adept than her husband.

Killian trailed a hand over her abdomen and Milah twitched, still keyed up and sensitive. He seemed oblivious to the way her body was still aching for release. “Can you stay the night this time?” he asked.

Milah imagined Bae waking up for a cup of water in the wee hours of the morning and finding her gone. She shook her head. “I can’t. My son…”

Giving her a sad smile, Killian murmured, “You’re a good mother.”

Pulling away, Milah shot him a look of disbelief. “Is that a joke? I’m a terrible mother. You can tell on account of the fact that I’m having an affair with a pirate.”

A quick, inappropriate grin flashed across his face before he could suppress it. “So that makes you a bad wife, perhaps, but I can tell you love your son.”

“Love isn’t enough.” She chuckled darkly. “My son would be better off if I were dead and gone, anyway.”

Now it was Killian’s turn to pull away. “Why would you say that?”

“Because, Killian! I’m worthless! I drink too much and I don’t--” She sat up and began to pull her clothes back on with hurried, jerky motions. “I don’t have the energy to do the most basic things for my family. And at least if I were gone, my son wouldn’t have to see Rumple and me fighting all the time. He’d be happier in the long run.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, Milah.”

She sighed heavily. “I assure you, it is.”

~*~

Milah followed Rumple and Bae back home from the tavern like a recalcitrant child. It had been a low blow by her husband, bringing Bae to the tavern to guilt her into coming home. She squeezed her eyes shut as a flood of shame coursed through her, stumbling slightly in the doorway of their pitiful, one-room hut. While Rumple put the boy to bed in his cot behind a simple partition, Milah flopped down on her bed. Misery and drink weighed her down like twin stones tied to her ankles. The room was too hot, the fire stoked too high, and sweat broke out on her face as she lay there, staring at the ceiling.

Milah reached up and touched the turquoise earrings that dangled from her earlobes. Any other husband would have asked her where she got them. Any other husband would have demanded to know what she’d done in exchange for such a gift. Any other husband, faced with evidence of a wife’s infidelity, would have struck her, but Rumple would never do that, even if it was what she deserved. That’s what her father had often told her.

When Rumple emerged from putting Bae to bed he brought up the ogre war again, asking in a soft voice if she truly wished he’d died. She felt a sudden surge of pity and something almost like affection for him. It wasn’t him that should have died, this sad, cowardly man who was so kind and patient with their son. She was the one who didn’t deserve to live in this world. She begged, not for the first time, for them to leave the village and start over. Perhaps the monster who plagued her wouldn’t follow her to a new place. She could remake herself into a better person, she thought desperately. Other people would respect them, and she could become the wife and mother she’d once imagined she could be. More importantly, the temptation of a certain pirate’s bed would be removed from her life.

Rumple refused her, as he had many times before, and said they could be a family here, in their home.

“At least try. If not for me… then for Bae,” he said.

As always, Rumple seemed to find the idea of venturing outside their village so terrifying that he’d rather they spend the rest of their lives as pariahs, as outcasts, barely able to scrape together enough coin to survive. Milah closed her eyes and pretended to sleep.

When Rumple had finally fallen asleep at her side, his soft snores filling her ears, Milah stole out of bed. She crept over to Baelfire’s cot, watching his small chest rise and fall in slumber, his innocent face relaxed. A tear rolled down her cheek.

“I’m sorry, Bae. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the mother you need.”

By the time she got down to the docks, the moon had set but dawn had yet to hint at its arrival, and the water in the harbor looked black as pitch. Milah took another swig from the bottle of cheap corn mash liquor she’d swiped on her way from a man passed out in an alley, continuing to stare down into the depths. She wondered how far it was to the bottom. She wondered if it would be better to step off the dock or to jump. She wondered if she could drink enough to dampen any instinct toward self preservation that might kick in once she was actually drowning.

She wondered if her body would float to the surface after, to be dragged out by the townsfolk and gossiped over.

“Milah?”

Swinging around at the sound of her name, she stumbled, her foot slipping on the wet boards.

“Whoa, love,” Killian said, darting forward and grabbing her arm. He pulled away from the edge of the water. “Take care before you fall in.”

“That was the idea,” she mumbled, jerking out of his grasp.

“What was the idea?”

She opened her mouth, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him what she’d been contemplating. Instead what she said was, “Take me away with you.”

“What?”

Milah clicked her teeth together, shocked at her own utterance. Any doubts she had about Killian’s feelings for her were subsumed by her desperation in the moment. “I said… I said, take me away with you. On your ship.”

“What about your son? Your husband?”

She laughed bitterly. “Do you really care about my husband?”

“Not particularly, but I thought you did.”

“I told you, they’re better off without me.” She wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince.

“Your son will miss you terribly, love.”

“Killian, if you don’t want me, just--”

“Of course I want you,” he said, frustration evident in the lines of his brow. “I’ve hardly wanted anything else since we first met. But love…” Conflicting emotions performed an impromptu battle across his face. “I lost my mother when I was very young. It was the first loss of many in my life, but in many ways it cuts the deepest. I don’t want to be responsible for another boy being left with a failure for a father, as much as a part of me is desperate to steal you away and have you all to myself.”

“My husband has a lot of flaws, but if there’s one thing I know, it’s that he loves our son. He’ll look after him. They’ll look after each other.” She felt tears well up and fall, and she swiped angrily at her cheeks. “If I stay, I’ll drag Bae down into the depths with me. My son will be forced to watch me wither away and die. How is that better?”

He studied her face for a moment and then nodded. “Come on, then. We’ll cast off tomorrow.”

Milah looked down at the black water once more. With a flick of her wrist, she tossed the bottle of cheap liquor into the harbor, watching as it sank out of view.

Part 2

[scripttorture]

(1) i'm writing a story about a kid (under 13, havent decided exactly how young), who undergoes a horrible though mostly unintended period of psychological torture, set in northern Russia in the 13th-14th century. They're the youngest child of the local Lord, and their town gets invaded. Once the dust has settled, their family is brought up on a stage and all the commoners and servants are made to watch in silence as the family is tortured via slow dismemberment, then killed.

(2) The child is basically in a position where they have to serve the people that did this and maintain their disguise, or they will have the same done to them. At one point they are accused of theft and are given the punishment of that time and place- cutting off a finger. Beyond that there's no direct, intentional physical harm done to them. After several years, the invading force leaves and it becomes safe for the surviving child to come out of hiding.(3) What sort of effects could i expect them to have after the torture and trauma? Currently I have them as being so afraid of speaking giving away their identity that they've gotten selective muteness, and once it becomes safe to come out of hiding giving up their former title due to fear of becoming a target. I'm looking for stuff both during the ongoing trauma and afterwards, and i want to do it justice!

Thisall sounds possible.

Idon’t know anything about Russia during that period so I can’tcomment on whether these particular attacks fit the place and period.

Ialso don’t know much about childhood development. The majority ofthe accounts I have are from adults. And while the same symptomseffect children and adults the expression of those symptoms can bedifferent.

ScriptTraumaSurvivorshas a post here on age appropriate expression of trauma symptoms.

GenerallyI tend to stress that witnessing traumatic events doesn’t alwayscause trauma symptoms, but given all the other circumstancessurrounding this I think you’re right, it’s highly likely thischaracter would be extremely traumatised. They’ve lost theirfamily, witnessed horrible things and lived for years in a constantstate of fear and threat. Long term psychological effects areextremely likely.

I’dsuggest you don’t refer to that as psychological torture becausewell- that’s a phrase a lot of torture apologists tend to use torefer to things like starvation, sleep deprivation and stresspositions, which leave no obvious external scars but do cause a lotof physical damage. It’s a phrase that tends to get used to dismissor belittle physical tortures by implying they’re ‘only’psychological.

Iunderstand why that’s the phrase you reached for here though and Idon’t think you’re downplaying what the character goes through.Just- be aware of how that phrase is often used.

Iget asked about muteness or refusing to talk sporadically. Thereisn’t really a way to purposefully inflict it and from everythingI’ve read it seems to be a rare symptom. But you do occasionallyget survivors who stop talking for a period of time. And the wayyou’re describing this it seems as though you’re treating hisrefusal to talk is part of an underlying set of symptoms rather thanthe symptom itself. Which I think works.

I’malso getting the impression that you approach writing symptoms quitedifferently to the way I do. There’s absolutely nothing wrong withthat: we all have different ways of writing and I honestly think themost unhelpful writing advice is the sort which sets out to changehow someone writes.

Rightnow you’ve got a set of behaviours but not necessarily an explicitset of symptoms.

Nowyou don’t necessarily needto come up with an explicit set of symptoms to do this justice, butit might help guide you through how the character’s mental healthproblems change with time.

Atthe moment it sounds as though the main mental illness you’reportraying is anxiety (though you could possibly also write whatyou’re describing as hypervigilance or depression). That in turn isleading to social isolation as the character avoids or cuts himselfoff from other people.

Ithink that’s a pretty good starting point. The symptoms have beentied to both the character and each other in a way that feelsnatural.

Myinstinct is that given everything going on here another underlyingmental health problem might be a good idea. Given the character’sage, the setting and the other symptoms I think insomnia, learningdifficulties or memory problems could all work well.

Insomniaexacerbates pre-existing mental health problems and you could usenightmares as a way of tying this to the other symptoms.

Learningdifficulties would probably be a little more subtle as they might bedismissed as inexperience or a product of the character’s age butthat subtlety could also make them easy to work into the story. Theother symptoms clearly establish that the character hasserious long term symptoms and that means you have space to includeless ‘obvious’ ones.

Irecommend memory problems pretty often because they’re incrediblycommon in real life but rarely depicted well in fiction. They’realso often not acknowledged in the real world, despite having amassive impact on survivors’ lives.

I’vegot a Masterpost on the most common types and how they work here.

Giventhe story you’re telling I don’t think memory loss orinaccurate/false memories would be a good fit.

Butforgetfulness might well be: the character could easily use that asanother ‘reason’ why he ‘has’ to step down, believing himselfto be incapable or unsuitable. Intrusive memories could also be avery good fit and could feed in to his other symptoms. Writing wisethere’s the ‘danger’ of including too many flash backs toparticular awful moments, robbing these moments of their power. Butthis can be overcome quite easily by stressing the feelings thememory evokes rather than the details of the moment in itself.

Loopingback to the main part of the question- The ‘right’ way to handleany of this going forward is going to depend on the story.

Whilethe character is still in danger there may well be worse moments andbetter moments but he’s not going to make any real progress towardshealing while he’s still effectively a prisoner. This doesn’tnecessarily mean his symptoms will be constantly getting worse. Itwould be perfectly normal for them to reach a point and plateau.

Recoveryafterwards isn’t something survivors do in isolation. He’d need asupport network which he currently doesn’t seem to have. That couldmean that part of his recovery process is buildingtrusting and healthy relationships with others.

Giventhe time period and place the church could play quite a large role inhis recovery. Priests, monks, nuns (and anchoresses but I’m unsureif Russia had them) all played roles in communal mental health. NowI’m sure the quality of this help varied widely from place to placeand person to person but there’s nothing wrong with you choosingthat your character has access to better quality help.

Hislack of support network means that recovery would take longer andthere’d probably be a period where he’s at quite high risk ofharm. That doesn’t necessarily mean attack by others or self harm.Severe mental illnesses can make it difficult for a person to takecare of themselves.

Forinstance he might have days when he’d rather go hungry or cold thengo out among other people and get food or firewood. That’s the kindof time when having a support network is a huge material help.Linking back to the church idea I think it could be plausible to havelocal religious figures attempt to help in this kind of practicalway, leaving food or firewood. Other characters close to the survivorcould also fill this kind of role.

Recoveryis slow and it is rarely linear. Even if someone is generally gettingbetter they can still have incredibly bad days or weeks.

Andas people recover they often find that aspects of their mentalillness seem to change. For instance if someone has severe depressionit’s not uncommon for them to start feeling more anxious/overemotional as the depression eases.

That’spart of why I think trying to figure out the underlying illnessbehind these behaviours is helpful. It can give you an idea of how tohave those behaviours change in ways that are organic and realistic.

Goingwith the idea that the character’s major illness is anxiety- Thephysical symptoms can include shaking, nausea, heart palpitations,chest pain and generally feeling like you’re having an adrenalinerush most of the time.

Somepeople have speech difficulties when they’re having an anxietyattack. That can include difficulty taking in what people are sayingand difficulty communicating clearly (though it doesn’t stopspeech). Things like repeating the same short answer a couple oftimes. Sometimes it means giving a reflexive ‘answer that will getrid of the person’ rather than an accurate answer.

Anxietycan drive people to withdraw from others, especially if their anxietyis triggered by others. Things like stepping away from people duringconversation and struggling with crowds or confined spaces canhappen.

Itcan also be difficult to sleep, which in turn makes other symptomsworse.

Depressioncan make people feel tired all the time, while also making itdifficult to fall asleep or sleep well. It can make eating difficult.It tends to mute sensation and can leave people feeling numb.

Itcan get in the way of positive interaction with other people indifferent ways. One of the things I hear people describing most oftenis difficulty engaging. When all of someone’s emotional energy isgoing on holding themselves together sparing some for other people isincredibly difficult.

Ihave a post about solitary confinement that may help you get a graspon the effects of isolation. Keep in mind that solitaryconfinement is much more extreme then the vast majority of cases ofsocial isolation. The effects on your character probably wouldn’tbe this bad. But it could help give you an idea of the way this kindof isolation effects people and how it feels.

Itend to approach recovery quite organically. For me it’s anextension of both the character and their symptoms- the logicalconclusion of the situation the story posits. But that’s because Itend to write symptoms in a way that’s very rooted in the characterand I tend to write very instinctually.

Ifyou’ve got a more analytical approach then breaking symptoms downmight help.

Onceyou know what conditions the character has (rather than just thebehaviours) you can start to tie those behaviours to particularaspects of his mental illnesses. That in turn helps you figure outhow he might recover.

Let’stake his difficulty speaking for a moment and assume that the rootcause of that is anxiety. He probably knows that ‘fear’ is thecause of this. He probably feels less afraid on a daily basis afterthe invading force leaves. And that could lead to him finding it alittle easier to speak again.

Buthe might not understand why he keeps getting chest pains. Or why hefeels ‘afraid’ when in a crowd of people he knows are ‘harmless’.

Ifhe, and everyone else, focused on the biggested most obviousbehavioural problems he had then there’s likely a lot of thingsthat slipped under the radar. That were too small to comment on atthe time or that everyone assumed would stop when the invaders left.This can be a pretty effective way to approach how symptoms canchange and how it can catch a character off guard.

Anotherapproach is thinking about what a character currently can’tdo and when in the story they needto do that particular thing. Then think about what needs to change,environmentally or emotionally, for the character to be capable ofthat action.

Sometimesyou can only really get them half-way there and then find yourselfputting together a creative work-around. That’s OK. That can add toa story and be an interesting break from typical tropes.

Recoveryis a slow process of learning to deal with symptoms in healthierways. And incidentally virtually every mentally ill person I’veknown has had moments of expressing things like ‘But I should beover this’ ‘But I should be able to deal with this’ ‘But Ishould be better by now’.

Fromthe sounds of things you’ve put a lot of thought into both thecharacter and that process already. You are doing a good job. Keep atit and I think you’ll have an excellent story.

Ihope this helps. :)

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[rainbows-fanfics]

My New Reason (Chapter 4)

Chapter 1 |   Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 |  Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

Summary: Louis is falling for someone he really shouldn’t be, and the same is happening to Clementine. Loustine/Clouis

Clementine's P.O.V. I was having a lot of confusing thoughts lately. I wasn't ill or anything. I was fine, healthy even. Until we came to Ericson's Boarding School, A.J. and I hadn't been eating or drinking regularly for weeks. We finally had people taking care of us; new friends, new family. So I wasn't bothered physically. Nothing really should be troubling me - I was just unsettled by the thoughts I've been having and everything that's come from it. They were about Louis. I used to not think about him. The first day I met him, he felt like a stranger to me. But he was the first one I grew comfortable with, and he was the first to fully gain A.J.'s trust. I somehow felt like it was destined for us to meet him. In some weird way, we were kind of missing something before he came along. Or, at least something had existed but wasn't very strong before. My thoughts all started back when we had our very first dinner at the boarding school. We sat down to eat, and A.J. practically inhaled his serving before everyone else finished theirs. Before I could insist to him that he could have no more, because we really didn't want to take advantage of these people sharing their food, Louis had given him his own serving without hesitation. The look on my face was one I will never forget wearing. I was so thankful. So appreciative. So...touched by the kindness someone I just met could have. That someone I barely knew gave up their food for my boy. He insisted he'd have it, and that was the moment I felt a warm swelling in my chest. Something...that hasn't warmed for a long time.

It didn't end there, either. Louis kept humoring the both of us, and I later remembered how he treated A.J. He let him press the keys of the piano and kept him engaged while I was gone. And, I hadn't known at the time,(A.J. later confessed to me), but Louis had gone down and helped him back up when Marlon shoved him to the ground. He approached him from behind, and as my boy recalled, it was the first time he hadn't responded to out of fear. He felt safe, and trusted him. I did, too. That...was actually where these thoughts came from. I was first bewildered at the realization that someone could do all of this for two strangers. Someone in the midst of the apocalypse willingly sharing kindness and rations to someone who they didn't even know very well. I could firmly say that I would not have done the things Louis has done for us, but that doesn't mean I'm not appreciative of it. I'm...more than that. I'm grateful. But not just that, either. My thoughts turned from admiration to something else real quickly. The more I spent time with him, the more I realized I was thinking about Louis. I used to constantly think long-term for A.J. and I, making plans for the future and how we'll search for food and water. The longer I stuck around, the less I worried about those things. I was thinking more of today now, relishing the present more than the future. Exactly what Louis enlightened me of not too long ago. I found that enjoying my moment meant spending more time with him. I found more excuses to go with him to scavenge or set up traps(I've had more experience than ever with these things), and whenever I had the free time, he and I just talked. A.J. didn't mind having the time alone for himself. Sometimes he just stuck around with Louis and me, and every time he did, Lou would find a new way to make him laugh. I mused a lot about their interactions at night. In a way, it felt like he was a father figure to A.J. More than his actual one had been...he had never really grown up with one besides Kenny, but I got the impression he didn't remember a lot about him. He'd been with me his whole life, and even I came to terms with being his maternal figure. He had yet to find a guy to relate to - and now I think his search had finally ended. "I think I'm going nuts." I mutter to myself, shaking my head as I shield myself under a tree. I watch as A.J. plays a game of tag with Tenn and Willy. I find my eyes searching around for him before I can stop myself - and I find Louis standing off to the side with Violet, chatting about who-knows-what. Judging by the look on her face, she seems to be annoyed with their conversation. I look away from both of them before that feeling could surface in my chest again. I really was going nuts. The last time I've had butterflies in my stomach looking at a guy was back when Gabe was around. And even then it was just a crush more than anything - I hadn't thought of him as much as I thought about Louis. And I certainly didn't spend as much time with him. I didn't know a lot about Gabe...whereas I was starting to know more about Lou. Sure, one looked better than the other, and one had one hell of a voice too, but the other had better hair. And he was a lot taller than Gabe ever was. Why are you comparing them so much? That was a good question - why WAS I doing this? I knew I liked Gabe, but I was unsure of my feelings for Louis. He was starting to become a good friend...maybe even.... I stop my thoughts before they go any further. It was enough that they bothered me so much at night. He actually appeared in one of my dreams because of how much I'd been thinking of him. I furrow my eyes and clench my fists, coming to my feet and approaching the two figures before I could even think about what I'm doing. "Louis," My voice comes out more demanding than I intended. "I need to talk to you." He notices my stern look and jumps, but the next moment he regains his composure and dramatically leans down in front of Violet. "It seems my princess desires my presence! I'll have to continue this talk later, Vi." "Thank God." She rolls her eyes and gives me a thankful look. "You take him. He won't shut up about cantaloupes." He turns to point at her back. "-I would rather DIE to a bunch of walkers than eat another one of those god-damned-OOF!" I drag him by the arm back to the tree I was resting under. He allows me to guide him before finally getting his balance back, all before I roughly take him to the side. I make sure we're far away from the others so no one can eavesdrop, but not out of A.J.'s sight. I mentally try to piece together how this conversation is going to go. "Princess?" Is the first thing I say, raising an eyebrow and crossing my arms. "Well, you call me your 'Prince Charming', so that should make you my princess, right?" He waits for my response but he doesn't get one. "Should I call you 'Cinderella', then?" I'm tempted to flirt back, but I have to resist the urge. That was weird enough. I decide to be direct and learn forward. "Why are you so nice to A.J.?" He's taken back by the question(he was probably expecting something else. Doofus), but answers it regardless. "Oh, uh, he's a nice kid." "There's got to be more than that." "He reminds me of me when I was his age." Louis grinned. "A troublemaker, but at heart, a good kid." "I can't argue with that." I relax myself. My eyes come across him and I forget about my surroundings. I start to count the freckles on his face and admire his jawline...something I normally didn't care about in people. My eyes just started to come to his collarbone when I notice he's looking at me, then I briefly look away. My cheeks warm and I start to feel goosebumps crawl up my arms. Here comes that tingly, warm sensation again.... "You seem surprised," He brings up after a moment. "You act like no one else has been good with A.J. before." "That's because they haven't." I pause. "Or, at least he doesn't let them be...his father wasn't around and he hasn't had anyone besides me to look up to." "What exactly happened to his dad?" He notices me tense. "If you want to tell me, that is..." I go silent wondering if I should. It really wasn't any of his business; it wasn't anybody's. I swore not to tell anyone on Rebecca's behalf, but it's been so wrong keeping it from A.J. as it is...maybe someone else should know. Just to ease it from my mind. As big-mouthed as Lou was, I trusted him keeping these things to himself. "We're not exactly sure who his father is." I admitted. "He's named after Alvin because that's who his mother was with. But this man named Carver..." I shudder mentioning his name. "Let's just say he was NOT a good person. He, uh, had an...'encounter' with A.J.'s mom, and she got pregnant shortly after-" "-So they assumed it was his, but because she was with Alvin, they named the baby after him and it's been known as theirs since?" He noticed my surprised look and shakes his head. "It's easy to piece together. I, uh... I can't imagine how that must be. A.J. must not know, huh?" "No. I was thinking of telling him when he got older, but I don't know if I should mention it at all." I glance over to his figure playing with the others. "Alvin was a better man than Carver could ever be. I think it's better off having it this way." He looks me over with a frown. "A lot of fucked up things has happened to you both, huh?" I weakly nod. "Makes sense he wouldn't let anyone in after all that time. Well, anyone besides you." "And that's what makes me really confused." I confess. "He let you in so easily compared to others who have tried to get close to him. He likes you. And we haven't known you as long." "What can I say? I've got natural charm. The kids love me." I can tell Louis is just being Louis, but he isn't wrong. I don't know a single kid here that doesn't like him. It's almost as if he's had experience with children...he knew the right things to say and do around them. I've known people who didn't know how to do that. It was hard getting A.J. to actually act like a kid for me, sometimes - yet he did it without thinking. "....Either I have something on my face or you're staring at me a lot, Clem." I didn't realize I'd been giving him a fond look, and blink repeatedly to snap myself back into reality. "What?" "I wish you'd just tell me because, y'know, Vi could've seen it and not say anything. Last thing she'd want to do is save me from embarrassment. I thought you cared more about me than that." He started messing with his hair and I shake my head, chuckling to myself. Okay, that was kind of cute. "You have nothing on your face." I pause before glance him over. "You look fine." He gives a sigh of relief, but I don't want him to be too comfortable yet. I go on my tiptoes and lean upwards to poke at the side of his cheek. "You are missing a tooth, though." He swats my hand away. "Tell me something I don't know, Princess." "If you call me princess again, I'm going to kick you." "If you're going to kick your Prince Charming, at least do it with your glass slipper, sweetheart." Ignoring how my heart leapt for that last nickname(why the hell was he so good at them?), I lightly tap the side of my boot on his leg. He pretends as if it hurt him, clutching at his knee and giving me an obviously-fake pained look. "Ouch! If you'd have kicked me any harder, Clem, I would've fallen for you!" "Oh you would've, now?" I raise my eyebrow. He comes back up and winks at me, giving me a coy smile. "Nah, I already have. I probably would've just landed in that patch of dirt behind you." As I felt my chest tighten at those first few words, he leans closer to me and starts to come down. I widen my eyes and hold my breath - wondering if he was going to do what I thought he was going to do. Instead of reaching my lips, he brought up a hand and rubbed something off the side of my forehead. "Oh, by the way, you had something here." I can feel the blush growing on my face as I watch him leave with my mouth agape. I gather enough courage to give him one last remark. "Idiot!" "Still your Prince Charming!" He called back. I could still see the wink he gave me from so far away, and he strutted off. He must feel so cocky finally catching me off guard. Swearing him off in my head, I turn on my heel and approach A.J. He must be done playing, because he now he was resting on one of the benches and looking at something. I turn and notice he was watching Louis leave through the front gates. I try to hide the blush again and I place my hands on my hips. "Done playing tag, kiddo?" A.J. notices me and nods his head. "Yeah. It was fun." "Did anyone win?" "Well, Willy did, but I'll do better next time." "Let's get you into a new set of clothes. You dirtied yourself up." He looks down and notices all the mud and grass stains,and doesn't hesitate to follow me into the building. When we enter out room, I start to go through A.J.'s clothes and picked out something new for him to wear. I'm going to have to clean these again sometime soon... I listen as A.J. sits on the bed and watches me. I give him his clothes and he looks at it funny. I tilt my head to the side. "What's wrong? You like your Disco Broccoli shirt still, right?" "Yeah, I do." He took the pile from me slowly. "It's just...well..." His eyes made contact with mine. "Do you love Louis?" The breath left my throat and I looked at him in surprise. I tried to regain my composure, wondering how A.J. could've asked a question like that at a time like this. I attempt to laugh it off. "What makes you say that?" "You smile around him a lot. I haven't seen you do that around anyone else besides me before." He fidgets with his shirt. "And you two act more like a couple than friends...Tenn told me the difference." "What did Tenn tell you?" "He told me how Violet and Minnie would have nicknames for each other and they'd sometimes touch their faces or hold each other really close. They laughed and smiled all the time. And, well, you do that a lot with Louis." "He's a funny guy," I defend. "No, it's different. I know you. You love him - but you just won't admit it." I roll my eyes. "Change into your clothes already." He hops off the bed and goes towards the closet. He turns around to close the door and change real quick, but before he does, it holds it open and looks at me. I go to tell him to hurry up already, but he speaks before I could. "Because if you do...I'm okay with that. He makes me smile, too." He closes the closet door after that, and I find myself staring at the floor thinking about what he's just said. I look outside the boarded-up window and listen to the voices in the courtyard. The moment I hear Louis', I feel my heart beat faster again and bite my lip. That kid may know more about me than I do...

[aceyanaheim]

Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.) 

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals  but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms: 

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour.  Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.  

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info)  and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time. 

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD) 

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection. 

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd) 

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder) 

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be)  but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending) 

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down  and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders) 

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.) 

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this  physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah) 

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years) 

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help) 

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s) 

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist) 

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.:  Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even  kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem)  deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this. 

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with  on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do. 

How your disorder/s affect your relationships 

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

 Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems. 

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad) 

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes.  All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on  my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

 What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )  

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression.  I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things. 

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and  hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

 Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of  analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot)  My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

 Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to  reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away. 

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

 The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

[thewinebottlenr43-blog]

HEARTBREAK  FH/AU FANFIC

Second part of my silly little Heartbreak Does Some Heartbreaking  Story. A few things to keep in mind

1 this is a  quite long fanfic. If you don't like long fanfic just skip this one.

2 spoilers. Dah. For both book 1 and the demo of book 2 Story is quite simplicity told. I just wrote it in order to corrupt my holy mc. Someone has to be Satan around here.

3 Since Heartbreak is unknown. Something that does break my heart. I had to make things up. I tried to go for a queen of the bored type of character. It will come of as cheesy. Apologies. Has a weird ending.

Part 2

Powerless .

" I need to tell her "

It was al you can think of as you are  walking from Yasmins apartment  to the gym . Hands trembleing. It had been 2 days since you were atacked. The memory constantly resurfacing in your mind, like looped fotage. The feeling of getting cold.. Everything  going blurrier. You losing controll over your  puppets body and  your mind as you were being dragged back to the nightmares  that had haunted you for the last 8 years. The verry same nightmare that now was in possession of your real body.

Heartbreak.

Just thinking about her makes your body shiver and your heartbeat  raceing with  panic. For the last 2 days you had laid low makeing sure that the telepathic dampeners  Dr Mortun had made for you were  active at al times.  Tinny little earbudds. Humming  in your ears like a reactor.

Since you never told her the truth you had to convince her that your suposed boss was going a bit cucumber, as of late   and  that you needed to be safe. Something not so far from the truth.  It's suprised you how easy it was to convince the good doctor of your lie. By now she was  enamoured with Yasmin enough to keep her safe.

For you though , it was al play pretend. A senseless manipulation.  You wonder what she would think if she found out whos is  truly behind those brown eyes and  that fake smile you  constantly give her? A sea of thoughts  you would rather not dwell on.

Strangely Heartbreak had not atacked you duering this time. No mental creek nor  any other sound could you hear and feel. You know it has nothing to do with the dampeners. They are no way near as powerful  as Steels, and even those  buckled under her pressure  al those years ago.  No. She was up to something. But what it is, you cannot figure out. Just as you  could not stop her. She had reminded you of how week you truly are. The mirrored armor, the enhanced strength, the  telepathicly enhanced  nanoverse. Al of it was the shell of an egg, protecting what's  inside.

You.

And now the egg had cracked. Revealing what's inside. Just another puppet designed to infiltrate, designed to be controlled. An object ment to obay. Not a real person. Are you a real person?

Someone who is  strong enough to break free of their bond and stand on their own? That's what you promised yourself when you started al of this. That you would stop rummimg. That you would stand your ground this time. Be the one holding the strings.  It dosent seem to work.

She had  shown that  by takeing your face, your powers  and probably  your armor as well. Being someone who constantly is on the move, you had hidden it underneath the basement of an old comic book store. Getting the owner to not pass by the basment was the easy part. Getting inside the store was much harder. The store had one way in and out. You had to make sure no straing thoughts were nearby. Not to mention the increase in LDPD activity , looking for  you. People knowing where you hide would be a detrimental blow to your goal. But maybe not so detrimental as what you are about to do now.

You knew sooner or later that  the Rangers would find out who's behind your  mirrored mask. This, you being attacked and having to reveal yourself was not the way you'd imagined it . What choice did you have? Your telepathy was depleeted .  You could not return  to your body. It was as if you were always crashing into a wall of  bricks each time you tried. A mental block you didn't know could eexist.  Telling them was the only way. Maybe you could blame everything on Yasmin. Make her the villian.

Deep down you know that would not work.   Steel would lock you up faster than you can say "sorry ".  He might still That's why you have to tread carefully . If your going to reveal yourself to anybody it would have to be Ortega. Not just because she might be the last person in a long line that would bring their judgment upon you. But also because of what both of you share. Her  emotions  could be a shield you could use against the others. No. Not just them, her as well .

You could try to talk to Herald as well. But in truth you could not care one witt about that kid. Sure you'd helped him by training him. But it was  just for the sake of using him later on. You still haven't figured out that part. But keeping you're enemies close was important.  As for Lady Argent, she was a no go zone.

As you walk inside the gym you can already see Ortega in her  workout outfit. Already hitting the dummies. Once  she notices you,  she stops and turns your way with a smile.

"Hey there. Here for your rematch?"

"Not today. I'm just here to.... talk"

Her smiling face exchanges to one of a friendly concern.

" Oh. I see.  You look a bit on edge. Is everything ok?"

For a brief moment you want to tell her everything in a split second.

" Wait! I know what this is!" She  says.

Her smile is once again back on her face.

" your faking it! Trying to avoid our rematch."

"What? No this is not about that. And you know I would never skip a rematch.".

It's true. Yasmin was the kind of puppet you could use for dangerous and bold situations. Not that you yourself would say no to fighting Ortega. You had done it once already. Sometimes the lines between you and Yasmin tend to blend over each other.  You walk over to one of the old half torn exercise benches opposite the entrance.  Sitting down,  hands clasping your face. Ortega sits down  next to you.

" So it's that serious huh?"

Her voice had lost some of the energy it had earlier.

I thought my edgyness made it clear."

" Sorry. Had to make sure you weren't  pulling something  on me."

"Who does that anymore?"

The words had slipped out of your mouth before you could think.

" you know what, just forget it. I'm just havinga bad day." You say before she has time to respond to your earlier comment.

"So tell me about it"

" Well,  i"

" There you are Ortega. I can see why you chose this place as your  getaway"

" David!"

Ortega rises from he spot to great the person speaking behind you. You  on the other hand freeze on the spot.

Heartbreak.

What was she doing here. Had she followed you?  Of course she could have followed you. You were just too telepathicly blind, to notice it. You turn around and see Ortega  give  your true self  a kiss. It was strange seeing her affection from this far.  Too physical. Too  awkward.

When  your real body returns the affection though, the feelings you have turn to bitter rage.  You had kissed Ortega before but it was always cautionary. Even when  both of you were in the heat of the moment.

This thing that was inside your body made it look like  an average couple sharing a normal everyday kind of  affection. Al of it fake. But Ortega coudnt see trhough that. You want to run forward and hit yourself again and again. Anything to get that thing out of your shell.  You know you cant. You're not strong enough.

Heartbreak throws you a knowing smile.

You turn around. Hands balling into fists.  Trying to collect yourself .

" How did you find this place?" Ortega asks. They start walking towards you.

" Through Steel of course darling. He has a tab on every one of you as you know."

"Darling? That's new. You never used to call me that."

" I dont?"  

For a moment  you can feel a heavy pressure pressing against your shields. The taste and feeling of death and sickness kreeping trhough your thoughts. She wants to know how you behave around Ortega.

But you are  not gonna give that information to her. She might know you well enough but there is still parts of your mind she didn't have time to access before you escaped.  The sheilds are holding.  Dr Mortun had done a good job as always.  

Maybe you could still Winn this. Stop her before she became too strong to hide from.

Unlikely.

Finally  the pressure disappears. You turn around to face them again. This time a little more confident.

" Well the shrink told me to live it  up a little. Today."

"Be positive! She said.  So I thought I'd be more positive by calling you it. Of course if you don't like it.."

"No! It's ok. I like it. I'm glad that your getting the help you need. But David the shrink has a name. I know you don't like her that much but at least call her by her real  name."

" Her name? I don't even remember it"

"Oh! David. Now your just being  rude."

This was getting a bit funn. Seeing yourself. No. Her, getting frustrated for a change. Of course you remember her name. And you never got the impression that going trough  a psychiatric conversation could help you out. In fact it had only shown the frigid,  broken person you are.

" What does it matter what they are called. Brandy or Brockly. It dosent matter. I don't go there to know their names. Just their help. And anyway who's that?"

Heartbreak points a straight finger towards you. Almost in a acuseing  manner. As if you were to blame for her lack of knowledge. Ortega sighs, shoulders rising and lowering.

" Fine. We'll talk about your  ill manners towards psychiatrists later. This is a friend of mine."

"Yasmin meet David. David, Yasmin."

David stretches out his hands towards you.

" Hi! I'm David Bastri. Ortegas real boyfriend. Not that she has anyone else who cares about her." He says with an exaggerated grinn.

Before you have the urge to hit your own body  again you  grab his hand. Your hand.

"Yasmin." You say shortly.

" Nice to meet you Yasmin. You look a bit timid in there." He points towards your head. " Are you ok?"

Ortega gives him a glare.

" Never mind. I already know." He keeps smiling at you.

" you wish you knew!" You think to yourself.

"I'm sure you do." You say instead. Giving him a glare as well.

"  Sorry Yasmin. David seems a bit over excited today"

Ortega jabs him with a finger.

" Just because you have a certain skill dosent meen you can use it whenever and however you like, on it."

While Yasmin was suposed to know who Sidestep was. She didn't know his "certain skill"  as Ortega had put it. And that's the way you'd wanted things to be.  Or at least the way Ortega wanted it to be, each time the name came up.

" She dosent know? I mean of course she dosent darling. But  I thought she was your friend."

" She is. But these things take time to trust someone with. And besides you'd never allow me to tell anyone else that dosent know!"

" Oh right. Hero secrecy. My bad."

Ortega crosses her arms as she looks at David. The pressure against your sheilds have returned again.  Stronger, more forcefull this time. It seems like Heartbreak didn't manage to steal al your thoughts. Maybe the things she knows about you are segments of your life. Not the whole picture.  That must be why she coudnt find you for the last 2 days. Does that meen youre armor is safe?

Its a good thing you managed to escape before she took al your memories.

Just as you need to escape now. Your sheilds won't be able to hold for much longer. The buzzing in your ears has already increased due to the pressure.

" David. I think you have mixed  positive and weird attitudes together. You are being more weird  than positive today."

" Look!" You say before  Heartbreak has time to awnser.

"  Im having a bad day. So how about I leave you two alone. I'll see you tomorrow Ortega. We'll talk then."

" NO! STAY!" Heartbreak shouts as you are walking towards the exit. You feel a hand grab you and turn you around. You look straight into your own blue eyes. A dangerous glint.  gloaming over them as Heartbreak drags you backwards a bit.

" Hey David what are you doing? Just let her go. "  

Ortega steps over to you're left side.

"  Meirda! I'm sorry Yasmin. I wasn't expecting David to show up and act this weird today."

"Nothing wrong with being weird.Darling"  

" Ugh. Seriously David! What's wrong with you today? Cut the act!" This time she brings a fist to his right arm.

"Alright alright. Darling I'll apologize. I do not lack manners."

Ortega is about to hit him again but he steps to the side.

" Yasmin right. I think we started on the wrong foot . I have as you might have guessed a certain gift that allows me to judge people before I say hi to them. Great gift. But it tends to be difficult to controll sometimes. It's like trying to catch a  certain lost and frightened little sheep running around , or puppy as I would describe it." He gives you a smile as he turns to Ortega. "Happy now?"

Ortega sighs and shakes her head. Heartbreak turns to you again.

" How about you and I get to know each other a bit more ,hmm?"

She looks at Ortega again as she pulls out a few bills.

"  Ortega . Sweetheart! Why don't you give us al some sugar. While the others are on their way There is a store  a few blocks away. I think it's name was CANDY AND CREAMS. Lovely place. Sells the most excellent sweets and snacks."

" Oh it's sweetheart now? That's something you definitely don't call me."

" David are you sure you aren't takeing this whole positive thing a bit too far? And did you just say you invited the rest of the Rangers to come here?"

" We have things to discuss. Hero stuff. And remember I'm being positive today. That's what the doctor, whatever her name was said to me. Being a hero. Saving the day has been quite  anxious as of late. A change of pace never hurts. Now please just go to the store and by us some snacks . Will you. I'm trying to be nice to our friend here."

As she talks, Heartbreak grabs Ortega and starts dragging her towards the exit.

" David you're retired . Unless you have been saving people in secret."

" Yes. That too. Now please I'm begging you, just go to that store and buy us something. You can't miss it. Big red sign and everything else that screams sugar! Please just go."

Heartbreak gives Ortega a pleading look. One she can't resist. Stupid woman was always to friendly with anyone with a sad face. It would get her killed one day.

" Oh! Fine. Just be nice towards Yasmin while I'm gone. And stop being weird. "

" Don't worry cupcake. I think me and Yasmin will get along just fine."

He gives her a kiss. A kiss that anoys you to the core.

" Cupcake." Ortega mutters. The exit door closeing behind her.

Heartbreak turns around. Her face is no longer smiling. The wrinkles on her face being visible. Was this how you normally looked. You hate mirrors. Too many bad memories.

For the longest time there was a heavy silence betweem the two of you. Before it became too uncomfortable for you.

" You know what your problem is?. You talk too much and you're bad at pretending. So how about you give my body back and I'll show you how it's done"

" My social skills aren't the best. I do admit that. But then again I'm not the one hiding behind long sleeves and false  illusions. Just so I can be called normal. Quite dangerous.if you ask me pup."

" I'm going to get back my body. No matter what happens. And I'm going to end you. Properly this time."

She starts laughing at you.

" David. Poor helpless David. How would you live without me? The nightmares I provide. They made you stronger. Sett you free.   Taught you how to hold the strings. Taught you how to use your powers in new ways. Previously thought impossible. And this is how  you thank me. Now I'm really hurt pup."

Her laughing has been replaced by a coy smile.

"How can you kill me when I'm you? It would be suicide. But I dare you pup. Go ahead and see what happens."

"Those nightmares ruined my life. I had a good life before you came along. You made me insane. Every night I have to go through what I lost. What you took from me. Getting rid of you will be a blessing."

"But it won't change the truth. Will it pup. Your life was already a mess the day you were created. You just didn't realize it until I came along and opened your eyes "

" What do you want?! If you wanted to kill me here is your chance to overload my sheilds and do it. After witch you'd have to explain yourself to Ortega."

Seeing this thing spilling the truth was something you didn't need right now. She was a mirror showing you your true colors. No wonder you're armors helmet had one.  A way of showing the world the truth. A way of showing people their true nature. And here you were. Getting a taste of your own medicine.  You want to throw up.

Was she right? Was your life forfeit the moment they made you. Had gaining your freedom and  getting atached to people been part of your programming al along?  You have thought about it a million times.

It dosent matter. Maybe your life was forfeit. But what you did in the present was al your  own choices. Perhaps you could gain true freedom by getting rid of her. You could finally sleep in peace.  Eather way your sheilds are almost out now. You need to get your body back. But how?

" I want the same thing you want. Only on a scale that matters. You should join me pup. We're practicality the same. A family. If you want to count that other fellow. What was his name? Hollow Ground. He was the first of our kind. And still he wasn't hard to capture. Old age or me being superior. I can't tell wich. "

You had met Hollow Ground before. Duering you're heist for Dr Mortun. You had barely escaped from his telepathic onslaught. Only the grace of the Rat King and his hive had allowed you to be able to escape him.

Him being there  at the auction was  something you weren't prepared for. Just as you weren't prepared to find out what he was. An older version of yourself. With the same blue eyes and straight  wavy light brown   hair.  His henchmen were looking for you ever since. And it seems like he has people inside the LDPD. Hense their increased activity towards  you.

"What's Hollow Ground to do with you?"

" Oh he's nothing special pup. I got that seat reserved for you. Hollow Ground is just a minor hindrance . A kingpin of the human underground and a telepath to boot, could be a problem. Unless you are as fabilous as me. Then the problem is already solved. "

" Whatever your plan is, you can count me out. I'm not joining you. I'm going to get my body back one way or the other. And then your gone. Forever."

"So much hate. And I haven't even shown you what my plan is."

"Don't care."

"Even if it involves your little meryband of friends and that girl you are so found of. Lovely girl. I wouldn't want anything bad happening to her. Isn't that right David puppy. But then again I could be wrong. I hear You are one of the bad once these days."

"The store. It's not really  a store is it? What did you do to Ortega?"

Should you even care. You were suposed to be the villian. Not the hero. That was a long time ago. Didn't you bery that past at the museum. It was meant to move you forward. To cut you from the last straw that was tying you down. Sidestep was dead and that's how it should be. And Ortega. How many times did you not think of hurting her. You had already done it once. Bleeding on the ground.  

One arm dislocated. You know you will do it again in the future. Not just to her but the rest of the Rangers.  Maybe takeing it as far as killing them.  So why did you care? Why was your thoughts raceing with panic and your heartbeat fuming with rage as your shields died out.

" I can feel your thoughts now pup. You really do care about her don't you. About al of them. Deep down in that cold heart of yours. Isn't that sweet and pathetic."

She starts laughing.

"Now it's going to be much more funn than I thought it would be! ".

It was al she needed to say for you to rush forward. You  have had enough of this thing. She had taken your body. Your powers. And now she was going after your friends. You didn't care that it was wrong of you to care about them. You just wanted to kill this thing. Make her suffer. Stop her before she ruined your life again.

Before you take a step however you feel an. immense pain hitt  your head. You try to ignore it. As you walk towards her. But the pain makes you colapse to the floor  You try to exit your puppets body. You find yourself unable to.

"BAD PUPPY! Did you think you had a chance against me? Me the fabilous who gave you soo much. "

You can barley breath. The air exiting out of your lungs. The feeling of having a thousand needles injected into your body. A thousand cuts of pain coursing trough you.

"You really are a sucker for punishment. Aren't you David.  Just look at you!"

She gives you a hard kick to you stomach. It almost makes you go unconscious.

" This my dear is what you get for being close to those humans . And here I thought you might be different. But you are as week and as emotional as they are.  They create you. Make you do their dirty little jobs. And at the end treat you like trash. How do you repay them once you are free pup. Did you do what I was trying to do all those years ago. Do you  kill them?  Make them suffer as you have.?  No!"

She gives you another kick. Much harder this time. You roll over. Hands unable to  grasp the painful spots in your puppets body.

" No you really dont. So what do you do instead, welp? You mingle with them. Develop false feelings for them in the hopes that they might just call you sane, normal, human. How disgusting!"

You are almost about to lose consciousnes when the pain subsides enough for you to breathe long  heavy breaths. You feel  a numbness across Yasmins body. Now your body.

Suddenly you hear the front door open. You turn over again. Could this be the other  Rangers Heartbreak  spoke of?  Your hopes die quickly as you see a beef  man enter trough the door.  The man looks at you and then at Heartbreak. His face going from calm to one of fear.

" B...Bos. it's taken care of. Charge has been put down. Gave us quite  the f... fight . But the insulator worked. She had no armor."

"Good. "

"See David, this is how a puppy should behave. Al of this could have been avoided if you just played along. If you just joined me. But since you won't we might as well start the show. I'm going to give you one last nightmare pup. Real this time. See it as a gift for al the truble you gave me al those years ago."

" F..Forgive me Bos but isn't sh..she a woman. Why do you  call her David?"

"Silence idiot! I've had enoughof this thing. Pick him up. And don't ask questions unless you want to end up like your friend."

"Y...Yes boss."

The man scoops you up like you didn't weight anything. Like you were a ragdoll. Maybe that's  what you are now. A ragdoll inside another ragdoll.

"O..rte..ga". You try to mutter as the man walks you towards the exit. Heartbreak walking besides him.

" Sweet girl isn't she? Too bad she won't save you. No one will pup. You are al alone, abandoned . Just like in your other  nightmares. Only this time, it's real, handsome . But don't panic now. We are  still far from the main course ."

As you are taken outside you can hear the buzzing of people walking past your carrier. The sound of music. The taste and smell  of hot sausage. The fresh air of the afternoon.  Everywhere people are walking past you. Yet you cant hear their thoughts. Every face that you see has nothing to share. No hidden secrets. No emotions of joy, jealousy, love, hate, fear. You are deaf to all of them.

Once you look at an old man carrying a kane.

"You are a failure!" He suddenly shout. Pointing a finger at you. You look away. Only to be faced  with an old business looking woman.

" you're  the worst villian ever!"

" You suck!" Two teenagers shout  simultaneously  besides the woman

" No one can save you man!" You hear a croud of people say in front of you.

" Stop it!

You try to wiggle your way out of your captor. He holds you tighter.

" What's the matter puppy. Can't handle the truth? You wanted to show these people the truth. Its only fair they get to do the same. Before they die."

A little girl with styled up red hair is now standing in front of you.

" Legion. What kind of stupid name is that!"

It was your new identity. acquainted with your new self. A name people would remember. A name people who saw the truth could share. A name to be feared. Yet the girl in front you looked at you with spite, rather than fear.

No it was just this thing  doing  al of this. Maybe the girl in reality was afraid of you. You can't tell since you have no telepathy to aid you.

" Better runn little girl."

Heartbreak snaps her fingers. The girl screams and starts running to your right. Far away from al of you. For a moment you wish you were that girl. You had promised yourself you'd  never runn away. But in this case you just wanted to be far away from this thing.

She had grown significantly more powerful since you last faced her. 8 years ago. Controlling this  crowd  with ease.  A much more powerful Re Gene than you. And it had  al been  thanks to you. You wish you had known your nightmares to be more than what meets the eye.

" And now the funn begins!"

Heartbreak spreads her arms as if expecting a hug. It dosent come. What does however makes you stomach squirm. It was like being back at the incident. Around you people starts to scream. People start holding their heads. Some people are touching their throats as if something is wrong with it. Gunshots appear towards your left. A man holding a knife is walking towards another man.

"You cheated on me you bastard!"  He shouts.

" You never loved me in the first place!" The other man shouts back.  He picks up a broken branch from a nearby tree.  You know what is about to happen. You try to look away but you can't. Your head is frozen on the spot.

" You will watch this pup. See how week these humans are. Al you need to create a riot is to ignite the smallest sparks of hatred. Fabilous isn't it. And these are the kind of people you want to be part of?"

The two men clash. The one holding the knife being superior. He tackles the other man to the ground. Stabbing him with the knife multiple times. It would seem this man was a worse villian than you. At the museum you tried to keep people safe. They were just victims.

n general you had avoided killing people this far.

 More people start to atack each other on the streat.

What made this ordeal worse for you though was that she used your body,  your face as the person responsible for this mayhem. How would  you  feel if you ever got your body back. Would you have to hide in your armor from now on?

"Now we must move on. Onwards Carl."

The man named Carl keeps a firm hold on you as he walks forward. Everywhere you go, people start to scream. Mass panic ensues.

For someone with great power Heartbreak wasn't the most cautionary with it. Sooner or later the LDPD would show up. Maybe even the Special Directive. This could be your chance to escape.

" Don't get your hopes up dear. And speaking of these so called policmen."  She turns around as two cars with sirens  are coming behind you.

" They are nothing! "

You hear a loud crash and try to look behind you.  The two cars crashing into each other.

A group of three LDPD officers.  Step out of each car. A woman steps forward.

" LDPD Stop! Put your hands behind your head."

" Why do they always say that. "

She looks at them with a laugher.

"Carl. Are we at the destination yet?"

"Y...Yes b..boss. Just underneath this tunnel."

"Good. Take our friend down the hatch."

Carl drops you to the ground. As he opens a hatch nearby. Your urge to escape is quenched by the share will of Heartbreak.  Pinning you to the ground. Across the road you can hear the screech and pain of the officers. The sound of gunshots as loud as fireworks.

Carl picks you up on your feet.

" Move!" He points towards the hatch

Seeing no other way out. You climb down the hatch and down into the familiar  sewers of Los Diablos. Many months ago you had  walked these sewers in victory. And now in defeat.

" Nothing is truly random."  That's what you once said to Dr Mortun. She didn't belive you then. What would she say now. After a long walk you finally come to a halt. The stench almost unbearable. Above you there is another hatch connecting to a lather.

"Ugh. Finally. Here we are. Can't take this disgusting place any longer. Carl be a good puppy and open that hatch"

Heartbreak pushes you forward once Carl  climbs up the lather. A bright light coming from above.

It turns out to be a flashlight from another much smaller man.

You find yourself in a basment.  A long Stair leading up to a grey door. Torn boxes are lying in a corner. While empty cans of bear and cigarettes lay  everywhere else.

" Helo Gorge. Everything well with Argent? She hasn't escaped has she?"

"No boss. The shields and  the cage are holding. Sorry boss. But it's getting harder to maintain her.  She has already  broken  a good chunk of the cage."

" Ugh. Human incompetence. Carl be a good dear and ...kill him."

Carl pulls out a gun from his pocet.  Hands shakeing as he Hesitates.

" But boss I..i did everything you asked."

" I ask for perfection and you give me incompetence. Shoot him  Carl!"

"S..Sorry man." He says as he pulls the trigger.

" Now you David. Take that flashlight so we can move on."

" You might have blocked my powers but don't for a second belive I'm your puppet.  Let him pick it up."

" Poor David. Must we do this again?"

" If it anoys you. Then yes"

" No matter. You are about to die anyway. Cant leave a dying man's wish on the table. Right? Carl pick that  up."

She pushes you towards the stairs. Outside the basment  you find yourself in what looks like a hospital floor. White walls surrounding you, no windows to be seen. The Walls having cuts everywhere. Two thugs are guarding each side of the hallway.

" Is this where they made you." You remember the hospital in your dreams. Always at the end. Always painful to relive.

" Underground lab. It's abandoned now. They have many others elsewhere. I'll be sure to take a visit once I'm done with you."

" I could have helped you. Things didn't  have to  go this way. Your not the only victim."

" Don't think we have anything in common puppy. I'm the only  fabilous victim that dosent mix with these weeklings."

" I'm not asking for a second chance. I get my powers back and you are as good as dead."

" Not that you will."

" We'll see about that."

"Yes we will!" She pushes you forward. " This way pup. Oh and enjoy the scenery while you're  still breathing."

You walk past rooms plastered with numbers. Past what looks to be a small reception. Broken glass splattered across the  half  broken table. What had caused this? Lady Argent.

" She has quite the spirit. Unlike you puppy.  The first real challenge I've ever faced. Though once you get past the shell. She's as  vulnerable as the rest of the humans. Maintaining her has been a nuisance."

"How did you capture all of them. Besides Ortega?"

" It dosent matter. We are here." She pushes you towards a silver grey door. Room 94b Special Treatment.

" Al made for you this day. Open the door."

You step in to a verry large and verry familiar room. This was the room from your dreams. But it looked differently. Instead of the usual setting you were used to seeing. It now had  a TV monitor on on of the walls.  A reporter standing behind a crowd of  frightened people.

Thugs are  standing in different corners. But what draws your attention is  the  5 psyprojectors seated across the room. In a  circle. Big  chairlike machines with tubes and cables  that connected  them togetheer.

An interrogation device. Designed to gather neurological data from a host trhough  VR simulation . The main  Chair slightly separate  from the others, was one of the projectors allowing the interrogator to controll and navigate  the hosts memory. Several hosts could share memories with each other and the interrogator. On 3 of the psyprojectors sat Ortega, Steel and Herald .  Blue circular rings with yellow and red  light bulbs atached to their heads.

"Carl! Check up on our lady and make sure she dosent escape."

" What have you done to them?" They seamed unconscious.

" You know what this is pup. It's time to Step out of the shaddows. Let your friends know your true face. It's the least you can do before you all diie."

"No. Im.n..n..not" You feel the familiar pressure coming towards you again.

"Less talk, more action handsome. I'm on the clock.  And it's not like you have a choice."

Her will over matching yours, you loose control over your limbs as you are forcefully driven towards  one of the machines. You knew you'd have to reveal yourself to al of them sooner or later. Telling Ortega the truth was already hard enough. This was too much. You were unprepared, unsure. But worst of all , you were afraid.  Afraid of seeing the truth in their eyes. That they ment nothing to you. That they were just puppets ment to be used for a cause . Your cause.

It was a hard pill to swallow.

And your scars. The scars that defines who you are. You hid them well under long sleeves and two layers of shirts. Yet there they are. Al you needed to do was dig a bit deeper and the truth would show up. As its about to do now.

It was weird having lost control of al your limbs. The parts of your brain that controled them was sealed of. As if you had never learned how to walk. How to use your hands. Your feets. Your body automatically sits down  on one of the chairs. Hands crossed. Backside relaxing into the seat. Heartbreak lowers down the blue ring above you.

"Sweet dreams puppy."

As the object reaches your head you feel an instant pull upwards. Upwards where? And where is here? Colors everywhere. Too many of them to describe. It was confusing. Then you feel as if you had jumped from the highest peek of a mountain. Spiraling  down.

Down into the cold blue waters of a pool.

[swans-anime-ramblings]

10 random facts about me

I was asked by @majinpiccolo to come up with 10 random facts about me. I tried to think of interesting ones as well as some serious ones. Here we go!

1. I used to be a moderator for the Amino Dragon Ball Z app

If you’re not familiar with Amino, it’s basically if Reddit and Tumblr had a love child. You can only post about the Amino’s topic, (in this case, anything Dragon Ball related) and moderators can “pin posts” to the top of the app, meaning you can submit your blog/ artwork to be considered for feature. I moderated the app for almost 2 years. I absolutely loved the team I moderated with, but everything went to hell in a single day. Sparing the details, the level of toxicity which occurred was so bad the leader of the Amino left, and so did another person. And that made me realize I needed to stop too. Being a moderator means you’re constantly exposed to the worst of the internet. Unsolicited dick pics to minors in private chats, being called “bitch” because some person’s post got hidden, being accused of favoritism and the like. I thought that my leaving would be temporary, and maybe some day I’d go back but...I am free. My mental health is a lot better, lol.

2. I am a contract writer

Basically that means I write blogs for small business owners, do website copy (the text you read on a website) snazzy up people’s Linkedin profiles, and whatever else comes my way. The work is slow coming, but it frees me to....

3. I’m trying to write a science fiction novel

Honestly, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, mostly because it’s a battle with myself. I am a perfectionist by nature and the standard I set for myself and my writing is unattainable. This week for instance, I was so overwhelmed by all the stuff I “need to fix” that I got nothing done, haha. But I really want to do this...it feels important. It’s been a dream I’ve had since I was little. And so, I keep trying to press forward, even when my mental days aren’t good. 

4. When I was a child, my father was diagnosed with a fatal illness society considered taboo

Things are better now for him and society is getting better. But it was a huge burden that I carried, and I mostly carried it alone. I was genuinely afraid if I told my friends my dad was ill (as you couldn’t tell just by looking at him) they wouldn’t want to be around him or me. I didn’t want people to judge him. These days I try to talk about it more, but honestly it’s not something that naturally comes up in conversation. “Oh hey, for most of my childhood I thought my dad was going to die in a horrible way. It really screws with you.” Meds nowadays are much better too, so him dying is not a worry I currently have. He’s in no danger at the present :-) Having a sick parent does alter your life perspective though.

5. My parents are crazy people

Speaking of the rents, they are so...just on a whole other plane of existence that I’ve had SEVERAL people, in different situations all separately tell me I need to write a sit com based on them. Mom is a 100% NY Italian. Dad is 100% NY Puerto Rican. They are unreal. Case in point: one time I took my parents to the beach at night so they could experience a bio-luminescent phenomenon. At 11:30 PM we were walking off the beach and my mother says rather loudly to my father, (in a NY accent) “Well! That was just! I’m telling you, it was better than drugs. And trust me, I’ve taken them! Right babe?! Better than drugs!” 

I normally need to sleep for several days after they’ve visited XD

6.  I’ve got severe ADD

It’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older too. Just recently my nephew was trying to get my attention to help him with his juice box and I had no idea. I realized it after his mom came over to fix it for him. It was rather embarrassing. Normally I’m so much in my brain I don’t see what’s around me. I’ve gotten several bruises from running into doors.

7. I’m married

And have been for quite some time. Me and the Mr were young when we got married. He proposed to me 6.5 months after we started dating and we got married 6 months after that. His parents, who are normal, respectable people, thought we were insane. My parents, who’ve I’ve already established as crazy, thought it was wonderfully romantic. In fact my father called me a month after we started dating to ask me to please let him know when the wedding was so he could be sure to buy a plane ticket. I was like, “Dad. We’re not THAT crazy.” We’ve had our challenges like everybody else, but we love being married and are ridiculously happy. Wouldn’t trade our decision for the world.

8. I love video games

Grew up on the SNES and N64, got back into them when I bought myself a Wii. Most time I’ve logged on a video game is for Star Wars: The Old Republic. It’s BioWare’s Star Wars version of World of Warcraft. I’ve got over 60 days of time played, and have been playing since 2013. There’s a new expansion coming in December. I’ll be playing.

9. If I’m listening to music, it’s probably an OST.

I just love OST’s. I think it’s because it lets my brain do it’s weird head in the clouds thing. If I’m not listening to an OST, it’s probably Asain Hip-Hop. Favorite artist is named Tiger JK and he does a lot of stuff with his wife Yoon Mi Rae. Sooo good.

10. I love Japan

I suppose that it’s no surprise but, it’s still the truth. I’ve been to Korea twice and Japan once. I feel really at home there, in a way I haven’t experienced in the couple other countries I’ve visited. The Japanese were so welcoming and so hospitable, I’ll never forget it. Would love to go back at some point.

And that’s a wrap. I now tag @yagamitaichi7! Got any rando facts to share? Only if you want to of course :-)

[jamiebluewind]

Thank You

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for being kind. I know some of you must be... annoyed that I haven't been sharing anything lately (I have too if I'm being honest), but nobody has thrown any hate at me for it and for that, I'm grateful.

I've been resting up since I got out of the hospital, a fact that has been driving me crazy if I'm being honest. Only so many hours in a day and I'm spending so many of um in the bed (doesn't help that dad fussed at me for it)! Then I tell myself that if one of you were in the same position, I'd be fussing your ear off for thinking such a thing and trying to get you to rest, so I'm trying to give myself the same courtesy.

I'm... hesitant to share what went wrong, not for embarrassment but because I don't want yall to worry. Then I realized that this post has probably already make you think far worse, so here goes...

WARNING: Blood mention, illness, body function mention, pain, menstruation, confusion, dehydration, (please tell me if I missed any!)

I got an IUD put in. I didn't want it, but my periods are bad and my insurance wouldn't cover just removing the parts before trying this first. It caused a lot of pain due to having nothing for pain, the person putting it in not knowing what they were doing, and them using silver nitrate without rinsing it off which gave me chemical burns on my cervix. I stayed in pain and they responded saying to take a tylenol and I'd eventually be fine. During this time, I bled constantly. Not a lot, but some. I also had my normal periods to deal with. I found out it was even effecting my mood and making me tired (hormones, constant cramping, or both, you be the judge). Two months in, I wanted it out. They said I just needed to tough it out and I would be fine by 6 months. I'm pretty sure my face did a thing that symotaniously screamed confusion and "fuck you", but I did as I was told.

In the meantime (during December and even now), my heater thermostat started doing something weird. I set the temp, but it would let it get down to like 55° F (12.7° C) at night when it was set on like 68 (20° C). During the day, it would get about 10° F warmer than what it was set (so like 78° F or 26° C). It was kicking on, but not regulating it how it was supposed to. I told my landlady, but they take for-freaking-ever! So out comes an electric blanket to keep me warm at night. I basically lived under the thing after the sun set! I just kept it on one or two so I wouldn't get too warm. I was also feeling crapy (*gestures to previous paragraph*), which meant more bed time than normal.

A few days before Christmas, I got a shot that was supposed to last a month and help block a nerve that causes migraines. I have debilitating hemiplegic migraines and the risk was very low, so I decided to give it a shot. The medication is very new and due to my rare form of migraine reacting atypically to medications, you would think I would know by now not to try medications that haven't been out long.

The fourth and final domino in all this was all the running due to the holiday season. I'm disabled and I have a weak immune system, but I kept pushing myself. I walked so much price shopping for things for everyone that would both mean something and not break budget (even when me left leg wanted to nope out) because Dad gave me a bit of money last minute to help me buy gifts and I only had a week. I wrapped gifts for dad and myself. I cleaned and did some baking. Then there was the driving and the great but exhausting time with family and playing catch with my youngest nephew until my arm was nearly falling off. When I eventually got back home, my whole body had this bone deep ache. Not like overworking muscles after not using them for a long time, but like I had the flu. This is on top of the cramping.

*Note: Some of the information past this point is things the medical staff told me happened, things my dad said happened, and texts*

I would get better and worse. Always worse when I first woke up (remember the blanket?). I went to dad's for a traditional southern New Year's meal. He said I was spacey, lethargic, and far more quiet than normal. My eyes had trouble focusing and I had trouble concentrating. I looked tired so, he made me sleep before driving home. I woke up about 3 am, drank a glass of water, drove home, wrote a post about it (which took entirely too long for me to write), and went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up and just... laid there. I was having trouble figuring out where my body was. It just felt numbed somehow. I called my neurologist thinking it was a side effect the the drug. I'm not sure what I said, but they made me go to the ER.

I'm not sure how I drove there to be honest. I do remember somebody honking. I'm glad it was close, but still. It's a wonder I didn't get in a wreck!

I don't remember much. A yellow floor sign. A woman writing with a marker. Another woman with brown drawn on eyebrows. A machine that had a small piece of that brown first aid tape stuck to it. A name that made me think of the green emoji face (which my normal brain has yet to figure out). I had trouble talking and thinking. I remember repeating "stay still" over and over the (I think it was) several times I was instructed to, because if I didn't, I'd forget. I'm pretty sure I left my room several times. I know I went to my car once. I remember eating food, but I only recall a pineapple cup because I realized partway that I had a spoon that I could use. I kept forgetting to tell them I was hurting when they asked. I had a headache and sick stomach. I also felt so cold and my feet were like ice, but I was running a low grade fever after all.

I started feeling a little better, but the doctor still admitted me. I had a white count, but they couldn't figure out from where. I messaged a few people to let them know what was going on finding typing easier than talking. I used that to my advantage and typed out my allergies to show a nurse.

They struggled getting the IV in, even on my hand. When it finally was in I was hooked up to fluids to keep it open. More blood taken to try and figure out what was wrong. I gave them what urine sample I could which was tinted (I couldn't help it). They had already done some type of brain scan (but I didn't remember it). I kept having minor dizzy spells, but I attributed it too all the blood they took.

They kept giving me stuff, but nothing helped my headache. It wasn't a migraine, but still very nasty. I was grateful when something finally seemed to help.

My nurse came back with lots of juice to go with my super so I'd have something to drink and a container of ice water. She was new to the hospital and hung around at times just checking on me and talking. Just a nice person. It was otherwise a lot of sleeping.

The longer I stayed, the easier it was to communicate, but the tests couldn't figure out why. They ruled out seizures and a stroke. A mini stroke was highly unlikely and didn't fit. They couldn't find an infection anywhere. My white count went back to normal. They couldn't figure it out.

That was until my nurse from the previous day came back. We just talked about general things until I made a joke about the urine sample from the day before. She asked if it was clean catch and I said yes, but just barely. That ended up causing questions and her checking charts. Turns out that despite being there since the morning before, I had peed twice (with the last time hours before). She pressed on my bladder which wasn't distended. 3 bags of fluid, 3 meals (2 of which I know I ate all of), plus whatever I drank. I had been dehydrated to the point that it had caused my white count to go up and was the reason behind my confusion, lethargy, dizziness, headache, nausea, and low urine output. I was pretty surprised. I was released before lunch.

Pushing past my limits, minor medication side effects (including one long term med), staying under an electric blanket too much to stay warm (combined with exhaustion which meant longer in bed and less time awake to drink water), and pain and constant bleeding due to my IUD... all those things combined causing it to happen. I'm still... oof. Still tired. Still weak. Still recovering. Sleeping so much that the days fly by. Drinking lots of water. And otherwise doing just fine (save for my sleep schedule going to shit again). I still love my electric blanket; it's just been temporary retired until I can get myself rehydrated again. That means my other blankets are out of the vacuum bags and piled up to keep me warm ^_^

Speaking of warm, I have my very own love bug/velcro/snuggle buddy Danny who has been on me like white on rice since I got home. He's a good boy

[literaryfaeriecorner]

02/21/2021: Promotions, Old Friends, and Yellow School Buses

link to original post

February 21st, 2021

somehow i received a promotion at work last Friday even though i am literally probably one of the LEAST motivated people teaching at that school... fuck. so... now, instead of just being a regular-schmegular teacher, i am now the '6th grade head social studies teacher' which means that i have to run planning meetings for the social studies team, attend morning meetings discussing whole-grade growth and failings, and solutions for how we're going to get the kids to... not suck. uuuuuuggggghhhhhh!!! and this is for the rest of the year and the next!!!!

apparently, i am the 'perfect person' for this position because all of my classes have consistently performed better than the rest... but between you, me, and the entire internet, that speaks more to the abilities of my students than my own personal abilities as a teacher. i don't believe i'm a sucky teacher or anything but the fact remains that between work, grad school, delusional lovesick-related episodes, mental illness, and other varying distractions, i am not Doing The Best I Can. in fact, i'm literally in survival mode 95% of the time. the other 5% of the time, i'm in manic-as-fuck mode. so... do i really DESERVE this promotion? who even fucking knows? i like to believe, however, that i'll eventually figure out how to bullshit this new responsibility as well and no one will be the wiser. i mean, if this promotion came with a financial boost as well, i'd be more inclined to not fuck it up but, like... i'm doing more work for the same weak ass pay... i'm not as motivated with kind words and encouragement than i would be with a solid boost to my pay grade. anyway... whatever.

i was on tumblr the other day (i am fasting from all social media sites during the day for Lent but tumblr doesn't count because i literally just reblog five or six posts into the void, look at sad literature quotes, and log out just to do it all over again the next day... i am not addicted to tumblr as i am to twitter, instagram, pinterest, and linkedin... yes, linkedin. my quest to escape my job has led me down a very weird and addictive path) and i came across this post by user beetlejuices:

"isn't it all about old friends? like everything? all of it?"

and it is. i think so. i really do.

one of the things i've been conscious of in my early adulthood is that i am still chasing after the friendships i had in middle school. i wrote about this two Lents ago too. there is a memory that i remember so vividly in middle school and it reminds me constantly about how i felt so loved and appreciated and like the world couldn't go on without me if i somehow left or disappeared or went away. i think about it all the time. that is how freeing and loving and whole it is. just a simple memory of being three hours late to school (after a huge, blown out argument between parents who should've divorced years ago) and being startled by a flood of texts that starting pouring in at 7 that morning.

ashley: YOOOO where r u? they snagged all the donuts from the corner store!

alysha: you missed the bus this morning?

ashley: i bought donuts off eman 4 u... say im the best :D

kiera: U MISSED CRYSTAL'S FAT HEAD ASS SLIP DOWN THE STEPS LMAOOO

kiera: u're always here early u good?

alysha: are you coming 2 school today?

ashley: are u ok?

Christyl: don't forget we have a test in math!! where are you?

kiera: babe?

ashley: are you ok? why is ur phone off?

alysha: i just talked to ashley are u ok?

Christyl: where r u?

kiera: i just talked to ashley r u ok?

kiera: none of ur sisters r here either... u ok?

ashley: i'll call again @ lunch

alysha: pls be safe

Christyl: i'll tell the teacher you're sick and maybe you can take it tomorrow

Christyl: are you ok?

and even more messages that were sent during and inbetween classes... i thought it was a bit too late (and too time consuming) to respond to them all individually so after being signed into school three hours late, i decided to wait for all my friends at our table in the cafeteria to surprise them before explaining my mess of a morning. i was nervous because i thought they would be mad at me for some reason. but as soon as they saw me, ashley, alysha, kiera, and christyl, they came barreling towards me screaming my name. it was an entire scene. people looking at them crazy and then raising their eyebrows at me, not seeing what the big deal was. i probably looked the same exact way that i did the day before. unspectacular, bookish, awkward. they couldn't see what the big deal was. it embarrassed me but it thrilled me at the same time.

they nearly knocked me to the floor pushing each other to get to me first trying to steal the first hug. in the end, i stretched my arms out as far as i could and they all fell into them. we probably looked a mess. a tangle of brown legs, arms, frizzy hair, loose braids, and scuffed dress shoes. i remember feeling so loved and wanted. i felt bigger and grander than i was. i had stopped the world for five entire minutes and i didn't do anything. i was just existing.

i don't really talk to any of the girls anymore. i follow them on social media and i wish them happy birthday every year and we're all on each other's close friends list on insta... so i still know a few, if not all, of their secrets... but we'll probably never be as close as we were in middle school. and that's ok. i still love them as much as i did when they tackled me in the lunch room that day. i still root and cheer for them like we still spend every night after school on the phone for hours talking shit and planning presidential campaigns and gossiping about boys. i will never forget that day in the lunchroom. ever. and, like i said, it has only occurred to me now, as a young adult, that i've been chasing that kind of friendship and sisterhood since it happened.

i like to treat all my friendships as mini-romances. i remember a tweet that said, "friendships ARE romance," and i agree. i think i'm in love with all of my close friends, if not all of my friends. it's embarrassing (just a bit) but i have probably fallen in love with all of my friends at least once or twice. this is especially true for my group of college friends (at this point, they are really family). i have been in love, at least once, with all eight of them throughout our four years. i don't actually find this embarrassing like i said earlier. what's embarrassing is that this information might embarrass other people which, in turn, would thoroughly embarrass me. but the fact itself doesn't embarrass me. that is how i am. i fall in love and out of love at breakneck speeds. i think it's important to be a little bit in love with your friends.

i really enjoyed being in undergrad and planning literal dates between all eight or nine of us. and we would call it that. "what are we doing for our date next weekend?" "so who's going on the date tomorrow?" "are we cancelling the date or does the weather not matter?" (the weather always mattered.) my favorite college date was valentine's day senior year. we all went to korean-style karaoke and ordered so much food and drink we could barely stand to sing. we were all sat around the tv singing horribly to mariah carey or beyonce or rapping to nicki minaj verses. we took so many bad pictures and tone deaf videos and we kept leaning or hugging or holding each other's hands. that's another thing i love about my college family. most of us are touchy-feely people. i am a touchy-feely person. i'm southern and my mom is ridiculously gooey so one of my love languages, inevitably, is touch. i, usually, reign it in A LOT unless i have a partner but in college, i somehow discovered a whole group of people who loved to kiss each other on the cheek and hold hands and lean on other people, and lock arms. i felt at home. really.

maybe it's not only about old friends, though. maybe it's about feeling at home.

there was another post on tumblr and i think about it a lot. it's a screenshot of a tweet from twitter user @HumbleCore.

"HUGE NEWS: finally found my best friend from middle school on FB. We've both been looking for each other for over a decade. I told her I think about her whenever I play any boardgame or drive by a church. She told me she uses my name as her password at work. A perfect reunion."

when i read that the other night, i cried. i don't know why. it was heavy and ridiculous and i was worried my roommates would hear me. i don't know why i cried. at all. and even typing it out like that made me want to cry again. the feeling is not as strong or as overwhelming as it was the first time but it's still there.

i think about a best friend i had in first grade. even before i thought of ashley as my best friend (i have known Middle School Ashley since the first grade. i thought we were destined to be best friends forever and ever and ever, which is what i wrote in her middle school yearbook). his name was Malik. or Malique. my memory fails me. but anyway, i loved him like crazy. we didn't do anything without the other. we shared lunch together, we HAD to be partners on every field trip, i cried when Ms. Sanchez moved my seat from his in an effort to stop us from disrupting her lessons and i hated her for an entire week. (a very long time from a first-grade perspective.) even now, i think about him whenever i go to petting zoos or farms and when i ride on yellow school buses with my students.

Malik/Malique was my first kiss. we were hiding from Ms. Sanchez and the other chaperones so we could pet the goats one last time. while we were hiding behind a barn, he kissed me. "for good luck," he said. and then we sprinted across the farm to get back to the goats. and we pet them again before Ms. Sanchez found us and ordered us back on the big yellow school bus where we held hands for the entire hour-long ride back to school.

it's very silly to think now but in high school when i was trying to determine whether i loved my first boyfriend or not i remember thinking, "well, does he make me feel like Malik/Malique?" it's silly but sweet. at fourteen, still comparing the way he made me feel behind a barn at 5 years old to how another boy, years and years later, made me feel. it is silly but i think it's sweet.

i don't actually have any interest in finding Malik/Malique or knowing for certain what he does or how he's doing because i seriously doubt i had such an impact on his life, but i hope he's well and alive and happy because that's what i always naturally hope for when i pass petting zoos or farms or see bright yellow school buses.

so, yes. i think everything, us, our relationships, the entire world, is about old friends. all of it. every last bit of it.

i have a whole-grade data analysis, 300 pages of reading, and two mini-papers for classes to finish before tonight so i'm going to get going... i just wanted to write about old friends first.

[oursyncracyqwo34]

What You Can Learn From Bill Gates About Potty Training

Potty Training Adventures

Sleeping. A toddler is not born ready to nap independently. There is an extensive collection of child development, from normal sleeping to more intricate toddler development like hand movements and bowel control. Toddlers start to develop motor skills, like making sounds or walking. Potty training is another important toddler development milestone that most parents will go through when their infant becomes a toddler.

Most toddlers will start walking sometime between four to twelve months old. During this stage, they'll have the ability to hold on to the toddler walker with minimal support. Most children will eventually have the ability to carry their own weight and do easy toddler walks. Other landmarks include potty training, eating fresh foods on their own, playing with other children, and crawling around the house.

By the age of four years old, most toddlers are no longer interested in learning the bathroom or using the potty. They are capable of brushing and flossing by themselves. This is an excellent sign. However, if your little one shows disturbing or aggressive behaviour, you may need to work on issues beyond toddler stage behaviour.

If your toddler begins toilet training but does not advance past the potty training stage on schedule, you need to consider the possibility he or she is not ready. It's never a great idea to leave a young child unattended in the bathroom. Parents should work together with their child, not just during potty training, but also every time your toddler is exploring and playing.

Toddler's Adaptability. There are a lot of things you, as a parent, can do to help your toddler adjust to his or her environment and enhance their intellectual development. You should give your toddler lots of chances to do so.

Young Children Need Milk According to recent reports, 2% milk offers important nutrients that are essential for the evolution of the growing immune system. A healthy immune system in toddlers helps to ward off illnesses and delays the whole milk allergy.

There are numerous other critical landmarks which are attained in this time period that parents usually do not highlight as much as talking and walking. Gaining the ability to point at whatever it is the little one would like you to find shows huge psychological benefits in a toddler. This generally happens before a child's first birthday. By the time your baby is 12 weeks old, they ought to have stopped using bottles with teats altogether. Your baby should be drinking from an open or a free-flow cup, so this helps them learn to sip rather than suck drinks. Pretend play provides many opportunities to wait, take turns, and reconnect as children determine how the story will unfold. Another notion is playing"sharing music" where all you chooses a tool to play and place an egg-timer for 1 minute.

By the end of their second year, many toddlers show more interest in the company of other children. They might not be quite prepared to talk about their toys when they perform, but it's a big step in their budding social life.

Some children will have a hard time stopping a tantrum. In such circumstances, try saying,"I'll allow you to settle down " But no matter what you do, do not reward your toddler by giving in. This will only prove that pops are an effective way to get what he or she would like. Rather, kindly praise your child for regaining self-control. Rememberthat want to teach your kid the best approach to get exactly what he or she wants is through good behavior. If you understand your toddler is exhausted, it's not the best time to go grocery shopping or attempt to squeeze in one more errand. It's important not to spank, hit, or slap your child.

At this age, children will probably not be able to make a connection between the behaviour and physical punishment. The message you send when you spank is that it is OK to hit someone if you are angry. Experts state that spanking isn't any more effective than other forms of discipline, like timeouts. And remember that children learn by watching adults, especially their parents. So make sure that your own behaviour is role-model material. When requesting your child to pick up toys, then you'll make a much stronger belief if you've put away your own belongings instead of leaving all your stuff over the room. Toys or dolls may also help you explain the procedure for your toddler.

Between 18 and 24 months, a toddler's brain is ready to begin playing make-believe. You may catch them"feeding" a teddy bear or speaking into a toy phone.

But around months, you can expect to hear some real words. Between 18 and 24 weeks, most kids start using words that are simple, like"no longer" or"go there." By age 2, you may even hear a short sentence or two. Every day having a toddler is an experience -- and there is so much to look forward for as your child grows. Wondering when your child will start to walk, talk, and do http://generablediqt80.jigsy.com/entries/general/potty-training-it-s-easy-if-you-do-it-smart all those adorable toddler things? As infants move in their second year of lifethey become more mobile and much more independent, exploring everything they can get.

This stage can start as early as nine months depending upon the child and surroundings.

Toddlers tend to have temper tantrums because they have such powerful emotions but do not know how to express themselves the way that older kids and adults do.

This era is occasionally known as"the terrible twos", due to the temper tantrums for which they're famous.

This period between the ages of two and five when they're reaching for independence repeats itself during adolescence.

Immediate causes can include physical factors such as hunger, discomfort and fatigue or a youngster's desire to gain greater freedom and control of the environment around them.

One of the most reckless things for toddlers is using a sippy cup in their hands while they have a meal. While babies will latch on to bottles with their palms, you should not leave your baby alone with a bottle - ever. Infants swallow their bottle as a very tiny part of the hungry body, and this may result in suffocation. While the baby may seem like he or she is nursing, the simple fact is that the baby is simply taking joy from the bottle itself.

Fifteen months is the best age for you to start making changes in your toddler's diet. You need to make sure that the toddler you have is getting enough nourishment, so begin introducing new foods to their diet. Begin by giving your toddler three meals a day, at the exact times each day, and make sure that each toddler has three little cups of his or her own food. When you begin changing up the toddler foods, you'll also see that your toddler will be more receptive to change and eating in a brand new manner.

You will need to track the toddler constantly, and be sure the toddler has everything he or she needs. Toddlers will develop many negative behaviours if they are not tracked, so always supervising them is needed. This means providing constant supervision when they're doing their homework, potty training, riding the bike, playing outside, eating meals, and going to bed. With constant oversight, you can grab toddler behaviors until they become dangerous and life-threatening.

Toddlers and Kids: It's All About Nutrition Parents who feed their child with ready-to-eat foods or nutritionally fortified meals often realize that the child develops many bad eating habits because they are given what they want when they are hungry. One of the best ways to keep your toddler healthy is through healthy eating choices. When you choose healthy foods for your toddler, you'll discover he or she gets plenty of vitamins and minerals, and avoid developing bad eating habits.

Toys and Toddlers It's All About Safety Adults often forget that the toys that they pick for their little one can contribute to accidental injuries or even death. Always check the toy for small parts that could be choking hazards. Choose toys that come with a locking mechanism so that the toddler cannot reach and play with the parts. Keep in mind that children should not be put at risk for choking while playing with any sort of toy.