#idk why everything is going wrong today it just is
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*hitting head on wall*
I'm still an artist
I'm still an artist
I'm still an artist
I'm still an artist
It's ok that I can't always draw
It's ok that I burn out quickly
It's ok that I can't remember to finish things
I'm still an artist
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mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.
#it was so good tho#like so cool i was internally freaking out about how cool things looked#the fight scenes🤌#the environments/settings🤌#all of the fuckin machinery🤌#the acting🤌#the everything🤌#yum#also i dont find austin butler attractive but funnily enough feyd was the only time ive found him hot😭 yes i have issues. but like. okayyy..#i watched it alone and i wish doing things alone wasnt seen as such a weird or sad thing like. theres nothing wrong with it#sorta vent->#but basically ive been feeling like an annoying piece of shit so ive been staying off of here for the most part#because ive been convincing myself no one likes me and everyone in my life would be better off without me😝😝#just tee bee ehch#and idk i was just feeling like ass and was doing nothing and when i finally would go to use tumblr i was already too tired to do shit#so i just went to sleep#and i was busy today#yesterday*#and ill probably be a bit busy today too but idk maybe hopefully ill catch up a bit#idk ya boys just been hating himself like usual but not as usual bc it was worse but it is what it is#i felt a bit better yesterday though#and also my new antidepressants ive been on havent been doing shit for me so im going back to a previous one i used to be on so yea#hopefully that helps soonish idk#i never vent on here so i feel kinda bad for doing so but i just wanted to puke my thoughts here#also since im already here complaining ive just like. not written at allllllll basically like i got into my head and made myself discouraged#so. that sucks. but also nothing out of the ordinary there#why does Everything i say sound so embarrassingly depressing and pathetic hhhhhhhgggggggggggggghhhghghg#anyways yea i was doing bad im still not doing good but hopefully will be a bit better so ill be back and caught up later today or tomorrow#idk if anyone gave a fuck or noticed but i just like complaining into the void so yea#talkin shit
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and the award for weirdest sleep goes to...
#todays gonna be a weird i think#might delete socials for a bit#i had a VIVID dream me and one of my mutuals were trying to buy a new Tolkien appendix book or something. new Middle Earth book#and we discovered even opening the book slightly caused us immense eye pain so i confronted the clerk like#WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUR BOOKS#and she was like THOSE HAVE BEEN CURSED GET OUT GET OUT YOU CAN ONLY READ THEM IF YOU PERSONALLY EMBROIDER THE PAGES WITH THE TEXT#and she had like. embroidery kits for the damn book#anyway. that's like the 4th night in a row ive slept badly so.#gonna delete socials and just focus on 1. adding books to librarything. 2. setting up the aerogarden. and 3. finishing this book#i wanted today to be a chill relaxed don't bother with plans day but i think my brain needs a strict to do list lol#also gonna make cabbage rolls for supper. side note the label on that box is REALLY cute ill try and remember to post a photo#not sure if ill make my intended cocktail for tonight. i thought i was sleeping poorly bc i was drinking them before bed but i only had tea#last night and slept worse than ever so. idk. i already have half the ingredients for it...#anyway. the coffeepot is done so i gotta stop rambling and do something#oh side note i found where i went wrong with my budget yesterday LOL i calculated everything monthly EXCEPT my groceries#only added the biweekly/per paycheck number for those which is why i had so much 'extra'#WHOOPSIES#so i gotta redo that and it's actually going to look PRETTY BAD not PRETTY GOOD so
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not doing well tonight folks! but yet we persist 💪
#chemi chats#tried to draw today and it felt awful. all my brushes felt wrong and anything i tried to draw felt shit. so i stopped that.#art's not going. writing's barely going. everything seems to just make me feel sad.#tried listening to music. and reading skills fics. and playing some games. and eating and drinking water but im still not feeling good.#feelin really tired and restless and frustrated and annoying. rsd calm down nothing's even happening dude. chill.#just. not feeling great and i don't know why... oh well. we persist!! we keep going!! it's gonna be okay eventually 💪✨#(<- funny silly emojis) i think i'll eat an orange and then maybe sleep? or write some more? idk creative endeavors seem like a wash :/!#alas :l#edit: oh shit hello the furies i will listen to your cool songs and answer your ask soon <3
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i wonder if I'll lose my job today 🤔
#asked to take the day off#the person i texted saw me on the verge of a panic attack#go into the bathroom for 10min to cry#and then rush to leave lmao#but i took a monday off laaaast week? or the week before#i just started this job#i am actually so much more incompetent than i thought#i feel so dumb for thinking this would work out#he hasnt texted back so i think this is a bad sign#we're ahead but someone else will also not be there today#idk#i do everything wrong#so why would they even want me there
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weeoo
#this is gonna be me talking in tags today#ive been rather sleep deprived lately trying to keep up with everything around me#and its been taking a toll on my health like#if i go too long like this i tend to feel more lethargic and my allergies kick in#i got a sore throat bc my room has been Freezing and then i get headaches way way easier#often times my face will flush but its just my nose and idk why#well anyways lmao i just aint feelin great due to lack of sleep#so i emailed my teachers and stayed home and others might say this wasnt it#but i can barely get to sleep at all these days and just bed ridding myself#seemed like the only way for my body to be like#'fine 🙄 u can sleep' lmao#thats actually one of the worst symptoms is im restless i just Cant grt to sleep no matter how hard i try#ive had a couple days where i was running on 2-3 hours bc i spent even longer Laying there#anyways i hope this makes a difference im tired of feeling tired and shitty#luckily my mood has weirdly been high#its just my sleep and health that are low#i think when the sleepiest soldiers are unable to get sleep thats when u know smths wrong#i think also so much is happening and me trying to keep up is taking more outta me than i expected#im a gal who gets overwhelmed easily even if im happy w whats happening lmao#tho im not Happy im more In a Good Mood lmao#side tangent but i HATE being an adult who doesnt have like idk Help lmao#like my dad was so nice to me sometimes and helped me sometimes#i could go a whole day sleeping bc id be fucking exhausted#and hed qake me up and ask me when i last ate and if i couldnt decide but itd been too long#hed make smth for the both pf us or hed make it For me and id just be able to like recover lmao#ah adulthood is hard lmao#alright im done#gata#no need to read <3 yall
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sometimes my lungs/heart do something funky and im like hm that doesnt seem normal. but then i reason to myself well you just got up and walked around obviously ur heart will beat a little harder since youre moving but then im like no thats bullshit i walked 20 feet to the bathroom that should NOT make my heart beat so hard i feel like i just ran for my life. but then i reason to myself again well youre kind of out of shape so its understandable? and then im like NO bc this has happened even when i was exercising regularly thanks to soccer this isnt normal? but then-
#this post brought to you by i walked to the kitchen (again like 20-30 ft) and was having a little trouble breathing and then i unhooked my b#bra and did some light breathing exercises to get everything under control#i am obviously the pinnacle of health#not but fr i go thru this same mental flip flop All The Time#usually it stops at the youre out of shape portion but today i had the genius thought that no this happened even if i was exercising regular#regularly. clearly there is something wrong with me (derogatory)#the other day my mom was like my asthmas acting up its hard to breathe :(#and i was like have you perhaps tried unhooking your bra bc honestly it happens to me a lot that my bras just squeeze too tight#and she looked at me like i was crazy and was like michelle no thats mot the problem??#and i was like damn ok 🙄#and its like. do other people not start feeling short of breath when they wear a bra sometimes?#i think some of mine are too small? but theyre not a problem half the time so idk#i hate going bra shopping tbh i dont actually know my size#theyre all either WAYY too fucking big or they come in just my size but are a type i hate#michi tag#idk where i was going with this#ohhh my god ok in project hail mary when they were teying to figure out how to prevent the apocalypse via starvation#and they were like yeah lets just release all the fucking methane gas in the polar ice caps and speedrun global warming#and literally my first thought was well damn fuck the asthmatics i guess#the air quality must be soo shitty my god#partially why i did not like the ending was bc it didnt give us a view of how things on earth panned out#just at the end like hey btw earth survived congrats :)#wnd it was so anticlimatic tbh like i knowww there was drama on earth i know it#i wanna know what info he gave them. did he tell them oh yeah btw i woke up and everyone was fucking dead#did he tell them abt the aliens. im assuming he did if only bc of the xenoite#but its like. i so wanna know what the political landscape is like on earth#this is so tangential my point is i just know the asthmatics were not having a fun time#i mean so many people were not having a fun time obvs like they deadass paved the sahara but yeah i wanna know#anyways
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I gotta be less hard on myself. Annoyingly i know that my best work comes from when i am hard on myself. But i keep stopping myself from doing things i want to due to perfectionism. Annoying.
#atm i feel like im just chasing interest after interest after interest#ive been working on my mimecraft base a lot but i have. complex feelings about the base atm#im happy with it and its paradise.#its too paradise that it makes me unsettled#which is nonsense its my place and my build#but i feel a lot of pressure to make it perfect#even though I and vee are the only ones who go there and i dont really care about the likes on my posts anymore#it still makes me feel. odd.#i love the work though i love the style and i love using it as a means to imagine a better world#atm im really enjoying just spending time on the server hanging out with vee#but i get into my own head a lot about the base#its not even just the base im talking about everything but the base is the example#i built a bit of a weird interior today i just went crazy with the terracotta and the plants and a pool of water#and i keep thinking on if it was the 'right' thing to do#and if i will be able to complete it properly to a high enough standard#it also doesnt help that ive improved over the course of the last 2 years in building#so now my house looks off and weird and theres trees that need to be taken down and paths that are over textured#but i find the process of doing it and the feeling of completion really deep and important#i dont know. i feel like im constantly in a battle of pushing myself to be better but limiting myself at the same time by having fun or sthn#i feel like i should be making youtube videos or at least prepping to#but i havent because i cant figure out how to organise mods and its freaking me out. theres just loads of excuses stopping me#i dont know.#the annoying thing is pushing myself creatively has resulted in massive benefits for me lately creatively#partly i think why im feeling odd with the base atm is because ive suddenly gone for being barely able to play an hour a night to having all#the time in the world so its created a sudden influx in development#idk. this is rambly#fish talks#i want to download a minec@ft map and remove the suburban housing to replace with higher density properties becsuse ive been watching too#much socialist urban planning videos again and c1t1es skyl1nes just isnt cutting the cheese rn#thats the wrong saying. fandoms censored to avoid crosstagging
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#anyway the most exciting conversation I had today was explaining how I managed to fuck up the dog’s haircut#(he’s squirmy that’s it that’s the reason)#moving on though the main issue is I still need like. the crutch of being online almost#and I guess even though it feels awkward and lowkey uncool I’m glad there are apps for people just looking to find friends#downside is I can forget they’re there bc the notifs don’t work great#or I panic because I’m too hyper aware of myself with new people. why can’t this be easy what’s wrong with me#I get embarrassed by how much longer my replies are than the other person’s#I can’t help it I guess#if it’s short I feel like it’s coming off inauthentic so I overcorrect#but then conversation kinda fizzles anyway. which is okay! not everyone will be a winner and that’s fine#I know this and it makes me feel slightly better#still I just feel like. dumb I guess. in all these interactions.#that’s the word. because I’m perfectly comfortable with myself until I feel like i start to notice That Change in someoneone#anyone else who gets told they give off Uncanny Valley energy knows what this is.#like I can tell I did something wrong but on paper I did everything right#and I just kinda fold every time. bc there’s usually no salvaging a conversation past that point.#it’s Not that it’s easier to be alone bc I’m not having a good time clearly but something drives me to keep going despite it all#idk it’s stupid I wish I could just cut this feeling out and detach completely#I know it wouldn’t bother me to be pushed slowly away at least.#I’d really be the person who solved the lament configuration just to Hang Out lmao#I wish I didn’t make posts like these here btw.#that also makes me feel dumb but it’s like if I don’t at least put this down somewhere it’d be worse#I think tomorrow I’ll clean a bit. it’ll be something to do that has a visible result.#not like anything else that’s going on lol
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oh nice! the Matt fic posted itself at the correct time
#Seven.txt#writing stuff#🧷 Matt 🔨#i usually wait around for whatever time i want my finished and ready-to-go drafted posts to go up so i can do it manually#but then it occurred to me that i could like. make use of the scheduling feature and just set it and forget it#but i was actually keeping an eye on that one to see if it went up at the right time cause i scheduled it for today#but then it said it was set for Sunday at 7 and not Saturday. so i was like okay i'll just. wait and see what it does#but it went up when i wanted it to! (still don't know why it said Sunday in the queue tho...)#anyways this is a lot of worrying and rambling abt a post that no one will read anyways bc No One knows who Matt is and that fic is Dark#(even tho the numbers for it on Ao3 are Tiny the kudos to hits ratio is good though!!)#(so hopefully that means that those who do read it seemed to enjoy it. or appreciate it? it's a weird fucking fic man idk)#(the kudos are Greatly appreciated nonetheless)#but that's okey i just wanted to get it out of my drafts and posted anyways. and also kinda use it to test the scheduling feature#but bc i'm a control freak who needs to Do Everything Myself anyways i'll probably keep doing stuff manually#or schedule posts and then sit around and wait for them to go up anyways just to make sure nothing goes wrong lmao#okay rambling over. back to work#well actually i'm gonna go grab dinner. i haven't. ate yet today. and then back to work!
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One thing about me is I will buy myself treats I literally do not deserve because I didn’t do anything whatsoever
#so you know that job interview i had today? yeah i cancelled it#i looked at reviews for the company and they had legit HORRIBLE reviews on both glassdoor and indeed#and so many of them and so recent that i was like. i can’t discount this#plus the fact that i don’t even really want to work in this field… like why would i do this to myself#scheduled to work 10 days in a row; back to back 12-15 hour shifts#for MINIMUM WAGE are you actually shitting me. i think the fuck not#you know what my last job was? making coffee. you know what i got paid? 50p an hour above minimum wage. you know what my shifts were?#4-8 hours. you know how many days i worked in a week? 4-5. you know how many breaks i got? lots#i rest my fucking case#(breaks were unpaid lol and i didn’t get much holiday or sick pay but you can’t have everything!)#i also saw like… management is rude; disorganised; disrespectful etc and i was like okay. that’s not going to go well#i mean there is something very wrong with me so i’d more than likely end up being about thrice as rude to management. but still#anyway. the treats! i ordered myself a new leather jacket because idk i don’t care about my credit score i guess#i also bought a lot of chocolate. like a lot a lot. they didn’t have my favourite ice cream so i compensated#by raiding the christmas display and also buying sweets and cookies and aero bars and THEN i noticed they had chocolate yoghurt on offer#so i obviously had to buy those. i did also buy the necessities#well i didn’t buy cheese but honestly i was too bamboozled by the display and the fact that they only had mild cheddar and light cheddar#and lightER cheddar which? 🧐 just buy milk at that point man#so basically if you need me i think i am going to eat haribos and play my game#there will be other job interviews. i literally have one next week. the one today was just not it#personal
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#man i am losing my fuckign MIND like actually going clinically insane this time!#had a huge fun cry out breakdown during lunch during my therapy session today 🤪🤪🤪#and this bitch had the audacity to come at me exactly like i’m paying him to#i’m. genuinely distraught hahaha#he’s saying that instead of just having the longest list of diagnoses ever now PLUS c-ptsd#he thinks it’s c-ptsd causing most of the other shit#which! fine! whatever! that would be SUCH a nice way to tie everything else up and hopefully throw it away#but like i can’t even get past the initial ‘oh babes. you have SUCH complex ptsd’#idk idk idk idk idk idk there’s just something so fun and wonderful about having your entire worldview upended#having lots of fun now doubling down on doubting my own perceptions and views of the world n people around me#me: listing out everything wrong with me#my therapist: yes you’ve literally just handed me a list of symptoms for this. congrats#poor guy really had to recenter me like three separate times ‘why is accepting this so hard for you?’#AND i’ve apparently been dissociating and not even the fun cool kind!!!#nooooooo i can’t just float n leave n go somewhere else#nooooooo instead i get the super annoying barely recognizable type that feels like i’m up one and slightly to the left#SUCH bullshit#shut up sydney
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Man idk when or why I randomly developed a huge insecurity abt my hair but I would like to go back please
#my hair used to b my favourite part of me but for some reason within the last like. 8-12 months my brain just decided that actually-#-everything abt it is wrong and there's no way to fix it#a lot of it I think is related to the amt of hair I've lost bcuz of my ED n disabilities n stress + being on T#but even going back thru pictures I don't look that much different so idk why my brain is so upset by it#idk it's just upsetting and I wish I could decide what I wanna do abt it#like part of me wants to just do smth completely different and see if that helps but the rest of me cannot stomach the anxiety around-#-what if it looks bad what if it doesn't grow back what if what if what if#idk man I'm just feelin shitty today lmao#armchair speaks#vent post#tw insecurity#<-??? just in case
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It is yet another day where I just lost motivation for anything. Like, I just wanna go to sleep. But it's only 8 pm and school starts late tomorrow. I can't waste my evening like that.
#dragon's stupid thoughts#i hate this#i think doom scrolling would fix me rn?#idk#jfc earlier I just said I should reduce my screen time and then I say this#ugh#i need therapy but to take the next step closer to that I have to make phone calls but... they are so so scary :(#...#i think my lunch ruined the day for me#it was leftover from sunday but putting everything in one box was the wrong thing to do I think#beautiful chicken and asparagus goes to waste...#i hate throwing food away#and even more seeing other people throw it away while I'm sitting next to them. starving#my diet is absolutely not healthy#junk food and eating whenever I feel like it/whenever I have time (not eating anything until I'm home)#anyway#i kinda also feel like crying#but i don't know why#i kinda have a feeling that the music I've been listening to lately has taken a toll on me too#it's about ''we're screwed. employers treat you like a slave. you've got no other choice than to suffer thanks to the higher ups'' etc.#this is already getting too long#gonna go brainstorm for my pmd story maybe#maybe draw some scenes that are far into the future#the one i did today was nice#really cool battle
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honestly idk why I bother trying to do anything
#everything is going wrong today and I just. want to die atm#idk why anyone keeps me around. I'm practically a bad luck charm.#im fucking useless. I can't even do a simple task like strain noodles without completely fucking up and having to throw them away.#we don't exactly have the food to spare rn.
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~ ~ ~
#feeling very foolish today#why did I so immediately make so many concessions to you rather than just speak my actual thoughts?#why didn’t I try harder to clarify so that there were no miscommunication issues?#why did I let you just snap at me and rollover so quickly with a dozen apologies?#I don’t even really think I was in the wrong for having asked my initial question that started the bullshit#but I let your anger cloud me and let myself believe I was wrong just because you were angry#I guess I’m just so much more afraid of losing you than I am of hurting myself#but idk I’m really fucking angry myself right now#and mostly I’m angry at my own dumb self because I didn’t communicate well or clarify and yeah truly that’s on me#but there’s so much more I want to say to you and I want to yell back at you#tell you all the ways you’ve hurt me and how you pushed me to this point#but what would it matter now#doing so would only cause another fight and then I’d probably lose you for real#and I don’t want to go through that kind of pain#I’ll do damn near anything to keep a friend even if they’re not good for me and you’re clearly no exception to that#so I’ll just let it go I guess#try not to let it fester in my mind and in my chest every time I see your name/icon here#try to just be normal and a good friend and let everything be alright#you just want a friend and I can do that#I’ll even give you space and pull my personality back to make sure you’re comfortable#and everything will be fine in the end won’t it#personal
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