#me: listing out everything wrong with me
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#man i am losing my fuckign MIND like actually going clinically insane this time!#had a huge fun cry out breakdown during lunch during my therapy session today 🤪🤪🤪#and this bitch had the audacity to come at me exactly like i’m paying him to#i’m. genuinely distraught hahaha#he’s saying that instead of just having the longest list of diagnoses ever now PLUS c-ptsd#he thinks it’s c-ptsd causing most of the other shit#which! fine! whatever! that would be SUCH a nice way to tie everything else up and hopefully throw it away#but like i can’t even get past the initial ‘oh babes. you have SUCH complex ptsd’#idk idk idk idk idk idk there’s just something so fun and wonderful about having your entire worldview upended#having lots of fun now doubling down on doubting my own perceptions and views of the world n people around me#me: listing out everything wrong with me#my therapist: yes you’ve literally just handed me a list of symptoms for this. congrats#poor guy really had to recenter me like three separate times ‘why is accepting this so hard for you?’#AND i’ve apparently been dissociating and not even the fun cool kind!!!#nooooooo i can’t just float n leave n go somewhere else#nooooooo instead i get the super annoying barely recognizable type that feels like i’m up one and slightly to the left#SUCH bullshit#shut up sydney
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Did you think I was done? Ahahahaha no, I have more.
Because chapter 70 of MOMU gave me the very dynamic between them that I missed so much, I just blacked out and started drawing uncontrollably lmao
Also. ALSO. I noticed a while ago that Prowl has the habit of..like…constantly frowning. So. I did a bit of research and made this graph.
In 70 chapters, Prowl frowns rougly 104 times. And the intensity of this gesture is very clearly correlated with the development of his relationship with Jazz, as you can see ahahahahah It might be wrong tho don’t take me seriously I’m not good with graphs
#maccadam#transformers#prowl#jazz#jazzprowl#fic fanart#momu fanart#I just#mmmmm#For the whole fic Prowl had to think twice about everything Jazz says#every information could end up being wrong#sometimes even without Jazz realising it#so when Prowl says#he’s trusting Jazz. it’s.#also it totally wasn’t me googling ‘believing and trusting nuance difference in english’#the moment I realised the difference I think my brain started rollercoaster loops#he can’t believe him but he found enough faith to trust him#while. YES. For the whole story Jazz couldn’t fucking be believed#list e n#Jazz did a lot of things for Prowl#fucktons of big and small gestures to show that yes he likes loves and appreciates Prowl#I’m so happy Prowl is returning this energy#like#remember that scene a while back when Jazz kissed Prowl? Cool cool okay. Did Prowl kiss him? nope. It was one sided gestures#*gesture. That kiss didn’t make me feel like it’s truly something precious because Jazz started it but Prowl didn’t do quite the same#but this👆. This feels so much more important for me. Because Prowl#who is for the whole story was mister I calculate every chance of possible betrayal. Prowl whos entire personality is to trust nobody#Prowl goes. Fuck that I trust you. You feel me?#it wouldn’t be the same if he said I love you. Because love is very much something you don’t have a lot of control over.#but to trust someone? It’s a choice Prowl had to consciously make. You see what I mean? I love it. oh fuck I ran out of tags..
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I AM SOFT AND KIND AND FULL OF LOVE
#everything everywhere all at once#eeaao#movie lists#movie sessions#this movie gave me so much to think about#nilhism and existentialism will always get to you#and maybe you'll never be the utmost potential of what you could be#maybe you are living the worst possible life possible and all the choices you've made are wrong but the only way out is through#the fact that killing yourself is not the answer and figuring out to be happy woth what you have and where you are is such a cute message#also thinking about how family members always go through so much and there's generations of built up trauma#but you still can find comfort with them#a universe where nothing matters is so liberating#just gotta be kind#michelle yeoh#ke huy quan#stephanie hsu#jamie lee curtis#daniel kwan#daniel scheinert#a24#this movie is basically jester's privilege#also my ramblings make no sense but at least ik how to walk my path better now
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I've had a vague urge to get more into Shakespeare for years; what are the top 3-5 plays you'd recommend that AREN'T Hamlet or Much Ado? And what version of each is your favorite?
(sorry for omitting two god tier ones but I've already seen David Tennant in each of those and I surmise that you're insane about both so I'm looking for some new plays)
gonna be some basic bitch answers but here:
macbeth - the tragedy of macbeth (2021) movie adaptation starring denzel washington. this movie is fucking stunning and the way they did the witches was SO good. also i have the throne of blood (kurosawa's adaptation) also on my watchlist since i've heard REALLY good things about it
richard ii - 2013 rsc production w/ david tennant (link). he gives me catastrophic gender envy, i need to become more masculine to become more feminine etc. ben whishaw in the hollow crown series (link) is great too
romeo and juliet - romeo + juliet (1996) movie adaptation directed by baz luhrmann. this is like, the most well known romeo and juliet and you might've watched it already but i'm listing this anyway because there will never be a better mercutio and the way they did the setting is SO fucking funny and inspired
twelfth night - so far only saw this one Outside On The Grass Where They Performed This At My College but i liked it a lot... reccing the 2012 globe production with mark rylance (part 1 / part 2) (his hamlet was one of dt's favorites as an aspiring actor) (i'm putting my faith in letterboxd and david's taste for this one)
coriolanus - 2014 donmar production w/ tom hiddleston (on archive.org). this is directed by josie rourke, who also directed dt/ct's 2011 much ado! the staging and the effects are fucking awesomeeee (also peter de jersey and elliot levey are in this, i love them)
also shoutout to the ones i want to watch:
the 2016 production of a midsummer night's dream w/ ncuti gatwa (i have found nowhere to pirate it and i might just crack and pay the 10 dollars to watch it)
the 2015 production of the love's labour's lost w/ edward bennett (he played laertes in hamlet (2009) and he's REALLY underrated, i love his benedick SO FUCKING MUCH even if that production overall was a little dull)
either hollow crown's or greg doran's henry iv (it's two whole plays i need so much time to watch that. and ideally i want to watch both lol)
kurosawa's ran (1985), an adaptation of king lear set in 1500s japan
vishal bhardwaj's omkara (2006), an adaptation of othello set in india
#most of these are basic bitch answers because instead of watching a wide variety of shakespeare like a normal person#i have instead dedicated my time to watching 17 hamlet adaptations. and i'm not even done i've got like 5 more on the watchlist#someone take that play away from me#also i linked everything but tragedy of macbeth and r+j; those are fairly non obscure movies and you should b able to find them on ur#movie pirating website of choice#in terms of subtitles i think twelfth night on ok.ru has embedded subtitles but if it doesnt you can download it#and grab subtitles off of opensubtitles.org. and i use happyscribe.org in case the subtitle timing is off#edit: peer reviewed by the comments . these aren't necessarily basic answers idk what was wrong with me ghlsfkjghlDKJHAFLJGK#oh also!!! this list isn't necessarily in order it's just a list to pick from#i think it's a good idea to look up the play to see if the premise interests you before jumping in#out of these i think coriolanus is the most accessible and easy to understand bc josie rourke is just great at that
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I don't want you to forget me I want you to die with me. I miss you I should have lived. I love you. Why are you putting these words in my mouth?
(artfight attack for @tsunagite, ft. reinhardt :3)
#art#bella#fc!bella#lc ocs#lobotomy corporation#artfight attack#HI DID YOU KNOW IM NORMAL ABOUT THESE TWO? :) <- face of a normal guy#i love bellas fucked up psyche. it really just throws everything on full blast to cope with fucked up shit#'reinhardts dead gang' 'alright. what do we do' (socratic seminar)#'we have decided to hash out every single emotion youre feeling all at once. possibly via psychosis. please do not resist'#<- same exact process happened when she was hallucinating the alt as well in friendcorp. shes normal!#also the vast majority of the text here is all written by me so i encourage you to read through it! :3#lots of it also from/referencing 'curiosity killed my beia'. absolute banger of a comic#theres. so much detail here#like if anyone wants the entire list i made i can dm it#+ theres more than that list too#specifically the halo + pins on the little winged reins in the bottom#the halo references the attack this is a revenge of and the pins reference 'experiment' by syumi#<- may be misremembering the title but like. you get it#edit: yeah i got it wrong - its calldd specimen#anyways i love these two theyre so fucked. i think about them forever <3
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the scene where carmy, stressed and at his worst, holds out his cut hand and says "blood! see! good! good! are you all happy now!" to the beef when no one is listening to him or letting him have his way is just. so...so donna. he is his mother's son unfortunately
#the bear#thinking a lot abt everything that's wrong with him i wanna make a list.#also on that note it's actually to me a sign of great love and sacrifice that richie had held back that comment for so long#i'm not being pithy i'm actually like. a lot of carmy's worst traits are also donna's#and i think richie who is very keen on things actually def picks up on that#and the only reason he doesn't bring it up sooner is probably the knowledge that it would wreck him#and he only brings it up in s2 from a place of desperation--nothing else is working#fixing the beef didn't also fix carmen#it's the reality check he probably never felt secure enough to give mikey#bc on THAT note i think richie's failure with mikey is his own insecurity; his fear of being kicked out or not belonging#he doesn't want to disagree with mikey and risk that closeness#and ultimately that anxiety hurts them both
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i think what's really been getting to me the past few months is the realisation that i dont relate to literally any of the mental health stuff i see anywhere. like whenever there's some affirmation or motivation or just relatable-sounding posts in general they all seem like such common problems and it's like, damn i literally dont experience any of that. and yet im still crumpling. something uniquely wrong with me
#like ion have social anxiety and my depression manifests entirely differently. already excludes like 90% of things on here#also like. my parents grew up so poor immediately post ww2 and in the ussr that they#were eating dead animals off the street. my father was in a revolution when he was 10 and grew up working in a mine#and ion even wanna think abt the shit my mother endured in transylvania#and they both went to uni for over a decade and made an extremely good life for themselves#and i cant even do 2 yrs of uni without folding?? i dont even have anything else going on#i literally have everything handed to me why can't i just function#maybe i never learned how to struggle for things. i dont know#barking#and i cant say oh well im more mentally ill than them. first of all where do you think i got them from. second of#all they were in a war and spent the majority of their lives in the ussr. they wont even#talk about most of the things they went through#like dont get me wrong i have such a long list of mental issues my biography would count as the next dsm#but it's not like my parents were okay at any point. so like#for the record they stopped living in the ussr because the ussr ended they didn't move out or anything. we're still in eastern europe#which is definitely contributing to my overall state. please can i fucking leave pleeeease
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ATTEMPTING TO GET THROUGH THIS LIST OF DRAGON AGE MEDIA IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER IS HOW I'M DEALING WITH MY DRAGON AGE: THE VEILGUARD HYPE LMAO
(pls send help)
Disclaimers: I put this together by looking at a couple of lists other people have made to see if multiple people put things in the same order, things might still be incorrect tho and dates especially might be incorrect I haven't spent a whole lot of time double checking everything. Sorry that it's messy I was just making it for myself but maybe someone else wants to do this too so here ya go. I also skipped some minor things like short webcomics that I personally wasn't interested in.
Book: The Stolen Throne, 9:00-9:17 Dragon Book: The Calling, 9:10-9:11 Dragon Movie: Dawn of the Seeker, 9:22 Dragon Short story: Sebastian, 9:22 Dragon Short story: Aveline, 9:25 Dragon Short story: Fenris, 9:28 Dragon Origins DLC: Leliana's Song, 9:28 (before Origins) Game: Dragon Age: Origins, 9:30-9:31 Dragon Origins DLC: Warden's Keep, 9:30 Dragon (DURING ORIGINS before final battle) Origins DLC: Stone Prisoner, 9:30 Dragon (DURING ORIGINS before final battle) Short movie: Dragon Age: Warden's Fall https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vbs_FaXNyI Origins DLC: Awakening, 9:31 Dragon (after Origins) Origins DLC: Golems of Amgarrak, 9:31 Dragon Short story: Anders, 9:31 Dragon Short story: Varric, 9:31 Dragon Short story: Isabela, 9:31 Dragon Short story: Merrill, 9:31 Dragon Origins DLC: Witch Hunt, 9:32 Dragon (after Origins) Game: Dragon Age II, 9:30-9:37 Dragon Web series: Dragon Age: Redemption, 9:34 (DURING Dragon Age II after act 1 before act 2) II DLC: The Exiled Prince, 9:33 Dragon (DURING II you meet him in act 1, becomes companion in Act 2) II DLC: Legacy, (DURING II Before 9:37 Dragon) II DLC: Mark Of The Assassin, (DURING II Before 9:37 Dragon, Act 3 before end of game) Comic: The Silent Grove, 9:38 Dragon Comic: Those Who Speak, 9:38 Dragon Comic: Until We Sleep, 9:38 Dragon Book: Hard in Hightown, 9:40 Dragon Book: Asunder, 9:40 Dragon Book: The Masked Empire, 9:40 Dragon (Game: The Last Court web game) Short story: The Riddle of Truth Short story: Paying the Ferryman Short story: Paper & Steel Game: Dragon Age: Inquisition, 9:40-9:41 Dragon Comic: Mage Killer, 9:40 Dragon (DURING Inquisition, before final battle) Inquisition DLC: Jaws of Hakkon, 9:40-9:41 Dragon (could be either during or after Inquisition) Inquisition DLC: The Descent, 9:40-9:41 Dragon (could be either during or after Inquisition) Comic: Blue Wraith, 9:40-9:44 Dragon Book: The Last Flight, 9:41 Dragon Inquisition DLC: Trespasser, 9:43 Dragon Netflix show: Absolution Comic: Knight Errant, 9:43 Dragon Comic: Deception, 9:43 Dragon Short stories: Tevinter Nights, 9:44-9:45 Dragon Comic: Dark Fortress, 9:45 Dragon Comic: The Missing, 9:45 Dragon
#dragon age#like i said i haven't double checked everything and i haven't read all of the books and comics myself before#so feel free to let me know if anything is wrong#IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS LIST BEFORE DA:TV COMES OUT???#I'M ABOUT TO FIND OUT#it's so many things lmao#currently listening to the audio book version of the first book wHiLE playing da:o because i'm normal#which i guess breaks doing it in chronological order but who cares really#hi i'm a dragon age fan in 2024 and i have risen from the dead
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Controversial but I genuenly think Eve should take a one yearish break and rethink some things, there’s no way that man has made three songs that sound exactly the same
#to me at least#like yeh I feel he should just take a break do some other stuff maybe some new inspo#cause even if I support him I’m kinda tired of all the commercial songs like#idk as of late everything seems so forced#ignoring insomnia for a moment (which I like) nothing he has released as of late has a grip on me#literally last song and mv I truly enjoyed was touhiko and that came out almost a year ago#no wonder why sou is always in top of my music lists since he has different stuff#which ig it’s easier with the utaote status since he sings a different range of songs and his albums are big collabs with other people#idk man#it’s not like I don’t like the new eve don’t get me wrong but#sigh#btw none of this means I want dramaturgy eve back I know he’s gone and that’s a good thing too but this new evolution to cutely anime songs#is just ugh#fight song I’m sorry I took you for granted#anyway sorry for the rant
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I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?
#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like.#what? am I missing something here?#my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day#but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both#gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a#bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of#being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even#with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like#go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m#afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make#this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s#so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room#and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until#my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and#that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad#anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know.#honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down
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found a tier list thing for ranking all the wks creature power suit designs and figured it’d be fun :)
tier list maker is linked here if you’re curious
anyway here’s mine!
edit: i keep getting notifs for this so i wanted to add that the tiermaker was done by @/galmiahthepigeon !
#wild kratts#half of these are probably in the wrong places but i’m too sleeby to look at it anymore.#i HATE the hammerhead and wild pony suits#cant even stand to look at them#why would they make that#the top row are all very very dear to me but ESPECIALLY squirrel bat and bat eared fox powers#if i were to do a tier list that excludes everything here but the top row those three would be at the very highest#then raccoon and gazelle after probably#love those#also doing this made me realize that parrot powers (at least with the beak part activated) are the closest the show gets to full fursuits#UNLESS IM NOT SEEING SOMETHING THATS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME ?#but in that one everything but his eye is covered. and i’m pretty sure that’s not a thing with any other powersuit ever#based on what i can see + remember at least#anyway. parrot and also heron and lawes’ perocia powersuits were designed so well and i’m mourning what the other bird suits could’ve had#the more i look at my filled out version of this chart the more i wanna change. because some of those are genuinely very well designed.#they just don’t have the visual appeal that for example the raccoon cps has for me. and i guess i mostly ranked them on visual appeal#kind of unfair because one can only make something like brine shrimp powers so appealing#but i’m gonna stop looking and just post it because this was fun to do
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every day i come here after work and other people than me have giffed hwa and i feel stupid and useless :((
#don't get me wrong i love seeing other people's stuff and i'm always happy to be tagged#and will try to reblog everything i see#i see videos and i'm too exhausted to gif them myself#i have a very long list of things i'd like to gif but i just don't have the energy#i feel extremely burnt out#i'm not even crocheting anymore#i can't focus on anything i just feel like sleeping all the time#lu.txt
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I just realized something about Nile’s eye makeup.
His bey is obviously based on Horus, the Egyptian god. And everything about Nile, legit down to the fact he has the same name as the major river in Egypt, seems to be a reference to his heritage. However his makeup doesn’t really look like Horus’s symbol, the eye of Horus. It doesn’t look like the eye of Ra either in my opinion, it seems both stylized and different from both famous symbols.
Instead, they are deliberately asymmetrical, as if they represent different things. These are supposed to show something. The kid version of me in my head who was obsessed with mythologies told me I was forgetting something that I definitely should know. So I dusted off my old books and did a bit of digging. And...
The deity Horus is a sky deity. And in early texts, his eyes were described as the sun and moon, before they were split up between Horus and Ra later on. More specifically, his right eye was the sun and his left was the moon.
The makeup under Nile’s right eye predominantly features a triangle, like a sun ray. And the makeup under his left features what looks to be a geometric crescent, like the moon.
...His makeup is a nod to the early translations of Horus’s eyes.
#beyblade#beyblade metal masters#mfb#beyblade nile#nile is definitely egyptian#legit his name is the NILE RIVER#everything about his outfit and design is symbolism#i will list it all out eventually i swear#have to finish some art first#anyways. im very sleep deprived#so sorry for grammar or bad writing#but wasn't beyblade subtle with Nile being from egypt? i could hardly tell that's what they intended#also if im wrong do correct me this is just a theory
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this weekend when i was at the bar i got really depressed so when the server came by to ask if everything was ok for some reason i instinctively said “don’t ask me that” so he just walked away. not my best moment
#girl what’s wrong with you#*pulls out laundry list of everything that’s wrong with me*#i tried to be so nice to him for the rest of the night LMAO
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and the award for weirdest sleep goes to...
#todays gonna be a weird i think#might delete socials for a bit#i had a VIVID dream me and one of my mutuals were trying to buy a new Tolkien appendix book or something. new Middle Earth book#and we discovered even opening the book slightly caused us immense eye pain so i confronted the clerk like#WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUR BOOKS#and she was like THOSE HAVE BEEN CURSED GET OUT GET OUT YOU CAN ONLY READ THEM IF YOU PERSONALLY EMBROIDER THE PAGES WITH THE TEXT#and she had like. embroidery kits for the damn book#anyway. that's like the 4th night in a row ive slept badly so.#gonna delete socials and just focus on 1. adding books to librarything. 2. setting up the aerogarden. and 3. finishing this book#i wanted today to be a chill relaxed don't bother with plans day but i think my brain needs a strict to do list lol#also gonna make cabbage rolls for supper. side note the label on that box is REALLY cute ill try and remember to post a photo#not sure if ill make my intended cocktail for tonight. i thought i was sleeping poorly bc i was drinking them before bed but i only had tea#last night and slept worse than ever so. idk. i already have half the ingredients for it...#anyway. the coffeepot is done so i gotta stop rambling and do something#oh side note i found where i went wrong with my budget yesterday LOL i calculated everything monthly EXCEPT my groceries#only added the biweekly/per paycheck number for those which is why i had so much 'extra'#WHOOPSIES#so i gotta redo that and it's actually going to look PRETTY BAD not PRETTY GOOD so
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anyways my mom tried to justify screaming at me today with the fact that i'm "not grateful enough for everything she does" and it brought me right back to being with my ex so 👍🏻
#i guess i know where i learned to tolerate it from !#she screamed at me because i put broken down boxes in the trash and she was having a hard time getting the trash bag out of the trash#and after i went and did it (easily.) i told her that i don't think i should be being yelled at and spoken to so disrespectfully#and she immediately turned it around on me#listing everything im doing wrong and how i'm not grateful so.#she literally told me to go back into my room three times.#it's so draining having to relive it nd feel the same way#i don't understand why i'm not worth listen to or validating#i don't know why the people who love me just trample on my fucking feelings when i express them#she literally completely ignored me. JUSTIFIED yelling at me and being disrespectful#and then pointed out things im doing that she doesn't like#she had ME apologizing#why the fuck cant i catch a break please fuck#i just#why can i not be worth enough to people for unconditional love#both of my parents love and respect is conditional and it's so painful#i just. genuinely why can't people who love me just. treat me with respect#i looked at her dead in the face and was like you have a choice how you speak to me and it's not fair that when you're frustrated you#scream and insult me#but any time IM frustrated and have even the slightest tone she will hoot and holler and make me out to be the most disrespectful person#and then so she had ME apologizing and then literally said she's always apologized and ive never apologized to anyone in my life#like what the fuck is genuinely wrong with her#jester.txt
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