#and they both went to uni for over a decade and made an extremely good life for themselves

[mwagneto]

i think what's really been getting to me the past few months is the realisation that i dont relate to literally any of the mental health stuff i see anywhere. like whenever there's some affirmation or motivation or just relatable-sounding posts in general they all seem like such common problems and it's like, damn i literally dont experience any of that. and yet im still crumpling. something uniquely wrong with me

[reinedescauchemars]

the list grows ever longer:

the physics department gave me a little breakdown because they wanted information from me i had no way of accessing, because the physics department is the most pretentious department on campus

contributed to two people's gay awakenings

actually used the beanie i got from my department because i got caught out in a major rainstorm and needed something to keep my head warm while i, like an utter idiot, went out in the rain again

stumbled into a queerplatonic polycule

my friends and i basically live in the library now. it's open 24/7 at the moment, and we are loving it. as long as we have food, caffeinated beverages, and charging cords, we can stay there forever

my uni friends starting following my main blog and i think a few of them have found my ao3 stuff, too. now i need to find their ao3s

made waffles almost every single week. also made two tarts with pastry cream filling from scratch

encountered the beloved campus unofficial mascots (the trash pandas/raccoons). also saw someone feeding them, which is not recommended for a variety of reasons including but not limited to rabies

met someone who apparently was in the same class in school as me over a decade ago. we didn't remember each other, but we had had mutual friends

spent a day in the desert. it was cold and sunny and i had to wear three pairs of glasses at once

had a midterm a week before my first final and exclusively have finals so early in the morning that i would never take a class at that hour of the day

hurt both my ankles and walked around campus in heels afterwards, because i had to get back to my dorm somehow

decided to dress up for all my midterms in one of my classes, because i showed up to the first midterm in a slutty pirate costume, since i had costume parties before and after the exam

went shopping for gifts for our partners with two of my close friends and watched them spend twice as long as i did waffling over their partners' tastes

got tan enough that browns and dark oranges are starting to look good on me again (they did not look great on me when i was extremely pale)

discovered that my life revolves around academics and that i will not step off campus unless i make an actual effort to

have somehow kept plants alive for over two and a half months

passed out a lot from pain

i suspect this is as "normal" as my life is ever going to get

the college experience, so far:

made a title ix complaint because of a presentation that it was mandatory for me to attend that allowed mockery of gender identities, including my gender identity

would have made a larger complaint about how that presentation also allowed mockery of socioeconomic backgrounds and sexual orientations but i only felt like i had enough proof for for harassment based on gender identity

reread a survey consent form to make sure that i didn't accidentally consent to my responses being shared verbatim, as that is what had happened during the presentation

had to explain to the student life office for the housing i live in that i moved in four times

found out the resource center specifically for queer students is only open four hours a day and discovered that those times do not work well for me

had to re-enroll in a new section of one of my classes because they opened up too many seats in the previous sections and decided to drop everyone and then make us all re-enroll literally three days before classes start

tried wearing press-on nails because i didn't have enough time in one go to paint my nails but they popped off when i helped a friend assemble some furniture

discovered my go-to dining hall food from my go-to dining hall got taken off the menu (also it was the only vegetarian option for that dish and i don't like eating the meats that dish normally includes)

spent a ridiculous amount of money to buy a physical copy of one (1) textbook because my parents didn't want me to just pirate it even though i told them my professor said, in the vaguest of terms so as to not cause legal trouble, to just pirate the textbook

have been mostly surviving by skipping meals and free food because i'm not a morning person and there is so much free food as part of welcome events

got woken up by garbage trucks and loud cars every single morning because i live above a major road

bled out of an orifice i shouldn't bleed out of, which was probably due to a health condition i likely have but am ignoring because i don't even have the time to deal with my one diagnosed chronic health condition

had a major pain flare because of a vaccine reaction, but i guess i'm glad i'm vaccinated against the flu and covid, even if it put me through hell

tentatively agreed to go to rush week to rush for sororities even though i am not interested in greek life

almost got hit by a car, because drivers here apparently think it's a good idea to start going through an intersection as people are crossing at the sidewalk right in front of them

stopped feeling emotions the way i used to, which is kind of disturbing but i'm going to assume it's fine

the sports team with a pride flag at their table tried to recruit me, which means i either looked gay to them, they're desperate for new players, or both

got offered lactaid at a pizza lunch and didn't take it even though i know i'm lactose intolerant because i didn't have the energy to care

received a beanie with the name of the department my major is in on it because i was able to remember the name of a program that was mentioned in a presentation (it is also rather warm where my university is and it is permanently the wrong season for wearing a beanie)

found out how many ambulances are in the city across the border from us and somehow remembered this information even though it has no relevancy to me

ended up sitting still on a towel on the shower room floor for so long that the motion-activated light turned off

but y'know what? this is still fucking better than high school

[alternislatronemhq]

Congrats, Jenna, you have been accepted to AL for the role of Mary Cattermole (FC: Jessica Henwick). JENNA! eep I’m so glad you’re here to join us in this group! Having played with you before, I know that you’re an incredible writer, and I can’t wait to see how you bring Mary to life here. Your backstory for Mary had me enchanted like the fairytales that caught her attention from a young age, and I’m so excited to watch you explore her place in this world moving forward. Please send in your blog (no sideblogs for first characters, please) in the next 24 hours and be sure to take a look at our new player checklist. Welcome home, we’re so excited to have you join the family!

OOC

name — jenna age — 20 pronouns — she/her timezone — gmt+10 activity level — probably a 6-7/10. I try to get online at least once every couple of days, hopefully more at the moment now that I’m on break from uni!! triggers — eye gore any questions? — nope!

IC Overview

name — mary cattermole faceclaim — jessica henwick, natasha liu bordizzo, malese jow age — 26 gender — cis female sexuality — bisexual patronus — wild rabbit boggart — the deaths of her husband and children

IC In Depth

personality traits —

( + ) intelligent - Mary has always been described as book smart, though she has other kinds of intelligence in equal amounts. She has a strong sense of self-preservation ( street smarts ! ), but also emotional intelligence. She’s quite perceptive to other people’s feelings, even if she does sometimes ignore them. ( + ) tenacious - Mary likes things to be done a certain way ( read: the right way ), and will make this abundantly clear to anyone who meets her. She’s a very determined person once she sets her mind on something, and her tenacity has helped her to get to where she is in her career. ( + ) resilient - Though it might not seem like it, Mary is a rather resilient person. She tries not to let things get to her ( or, at least, let people know that things get to her ), and has spent the last decade or so trying to rebuild herself from the lowest point of her life, managing to create a beautiful life for herself in the process. ( - ) cynical - While she wasn’t always this way, Mary is very much a glass half empty person. She doesn’t actively try to be this way, but she rarely gives people the benefit of the doubt and tends to see the worst in them. This way, at least, she’s not disappointed. ( - ) reticent - Getting Mary to talk about her emotions is like pulling teeth. She’s never been good at it, especially not with showing vulnerability. She can sometimes open up to people she really feels safe with, but at this stage of her life, the only person who satisfies that criteria is Reginald. ( - ) tense - Mary is an extremely anxious person. Has been compared to a rubber band that’s been pulled too far on a number of occasions. She worries about everything, and calls it preparedness, though it’s not quite so healthy as that.

character biography —

Mary Macdonald was always too much for the life she was born into. A baby girl, born to perfectly ordinary parents, in a perfectly ordinary house on a perfectly ordinary street. One would expect Mary herself to also be perfectly ordinary, but she refused to let this be the case. Mary grew interested in fiction at a young age, graduating from picture story books to fantasy novels before starting primary school, her tiny mind enchanted by the tales of far off worlds, filled with knights and dragons and fairies and wizards. She never quite fit in with her peers – growing up in a small town outside of Dublin, she looked quite different to most of the other children she encountered. She didn’t make friends easily, and real life never satisfied her the way that stories did, and so she indulged in fiction. When she was younger, she managed to enchant them with her stories. However, as she grew older, the fantasies that she refused to let go of lead her towards ostracisation.

Like all young witches and wizards, Mary received her letter from Hogwarts when she was eleven years old. What she at first assumed was a cruel prank from some of the meaner children at her school, Mary soon realised was anything but. Suddenly, she was being thrust into a world that didn’t make much sense to her, but one she was determined to make her own. Strolling down Diagon Alley for the first time, Mary felt as though she could be at home among her fellow witches and wizards, though her parents bestowed to her an air of caution as they hurried along behind her, this new world equally as frightening to them as it was exhilarating to Mary. She didn’t fit in much among her peers at school, but she imagined that Hogwarts might represent a new start, a place she could finally feel like she belonged.

Sorted into Gryffindor, Mary would soon learn that the wizarding world was not all sunshine and daisies. She should have known better, that just because these people were different, it didn’t mean they would be any less cruel. A muggleborn, she was – a term she’d never encountered before, but one that seemed to follow her around like a dark aura, some of her peers staring down their noses at her as she asked questions to get her mind around an entirely new world. What may have deterred other children simply spurred Mary on – they didn’t think she was capable of being an accomplished witch, they didn’t think she was worthy of exisiting in their precious pureblood world? She would have to show them differently.

It took her a little time, but she managed to make friends with a few other girls in her year – Lily Evans being one of the first. She found it easier to relate to her fellow muggleborn than to many of her other peers, both navigating this foreign world together. It didn’t take long for Mary to start to feel at ease within the walls of Hogwarts, a feeling she’d never really experienced before. She started to wear her title of muggleborn proudly, boasting gifts that her parents gave her over the holidays – many of which were entirely foreign to her pureblood counterparts. She began to excel in classes, always ready with an opinion on whatever it was they were learning, and even made her house’s Quidditch team for a little while. Hogwarts became like a sanctuary for Mary, a place where she could spread her wings and fly.

Of course, much like the mighty Icarus, there was only so long she could soar before she fell.

Mulciber ( that is all she will refer to him as these days ) was someone Mary believed to be thoroughly unassuming at first. Their initial encounter would hardly have been memorable at all, if not for what came next. It seemed harmless enough as the older boy asked about her parents, as he commented on her confidence, on the way she had an opinion on just about everything in his world. Mary thought nothing of it until she encountered him again on the way back to her dormitory after a late night study session in the library, the boy standing in one of the courtyards, wearing the darkness as a cloak. He looked far taller than he had the first time they’d met, far more sinister. What Mary had done to deserve the cruciatus curse alluded her until it was over and she heard the world ‘mudblood’ spat down at her trembling form on the ground as Mulciber retreated. She’s still not sure how long she lay there before she was found, fading in and out of consciousness, body too wrecked to move, voice to shot to call for help.

She awoke at St Mungo’s two days later. Though the attack had left her with no physical scars, Mary’s hands shook for days. She withdrew into herself more and more as the weeks stretched on, retiring from the Quidditch team, refusing to speak up during class, and rushing back to her dorm as soon as classes were over, barely even eating or sleeping, though she insisted she was fine. Though her friends tried to help, Mary feared there was little to be done, it took her days before she could even speak to them, and never about what had happened. She’d never been made to feel so weak in her life, to feel as though she wasn’t worthy of practicing magic. And if this boy had felt that she was unworthy, who was to say that the rest of the wizarding community didn’t feel the same way?

As time went on, Mary went about the meticulous and time-consuming process of rebuilding herself back from the ground up. It was much the same as reassembling a statue that had been smashed to pieces, but she figured if she used just the right amount of patience and glue, she could create something passingly similar to the original. Though Mary wanted to forget all about what had happened, it seemed that nobody else did. Pressure to talk about the issue, to confront what had happened was bad enough, without the gawking eyes of her peers and the rumours of what had truly happened swirling around Hogwarts like a plague. People started treating her differently after that day, as though she were fragile, made of glass, about to break. Even her friends treated her with an air of apprehension, watching their words in a way they never used to, not wanting to cross any lines or upset Mary.

The only one, it seemed, who still treated Mary as a real person was Reginald Cattermole. She had to admit, she had never really taken much notice of the Hufflepuff during their earlier years at Hogwarts, though it seemed he had taken an interest in her. The first interaction which she remembers distinctly happened a few months after she was released from St Mungo’s. Her friends had been smothering her with concern and she had felt the need to escape from the Gryffindor common room, heading to the library to study. Reggie had asked to sit with her, and while she was hesitant – thinking he would ask about her attack, like most strangers tended to – but he didn’t mention it. In fact, they had a perfectly pleasant conversation, she thinks it was about Quidditch, but the topic hardly mattered. What mattered was how it made Mary feel, she remembers laughing for the first time in months, opening up again more quickly than she had ever expected to. She felt like a semblance of herself again.

Mary always knew war was looming just on the horizon – she herself was more familiar with this concept than most. She also knew that her friends had every intention of fighting whatever unseen foes threatened their safety. Before her attack, she’d possessed this same drive. This same urgency to fix problems far greater than herself. She had once discussed joining the fight with enthusiasm among her friends, a deep, burning passion to defend the world she cherished. After her attack, all this changed. At first, her friends were reluctant to include her in conversations about the fight, not after what she’d experienced, she needed time to heal. After her attack, she no longer felt safe in the wizarding community, she no longer felt welcomed. This world had spat her out in the cruelest way possible… she didn’t know if she had the courage to defend it anymore. She’d been a victim of this war once, she didn’t want to be one again.

Mary and Reggie married less than a year after graduating from Hogwarts. Some people might have said it was fast, but with war looming closer by the day, their lives seemed impossibly short, and Mary knew what she wanted. Reggie was the one person she felt really saw her, believed in her for who she was. He was the only person who could make her feel safe, who could comfort her when she awoke during the night bathed in cold sweat, screaming after a nightmare. He told silly jokes and he made her laugh like nobody else, and he was the love of her life, she was sure of it. She remembers the day they married with great fondness, and not just because of the celebration itself. It was a small ceremony, just family and a few friends from school, and looking back on it, it was probably the last time that Mary was with all of her friends. The last time they laughed and drank and sang together, before the war started taking casualties.

Mary’s decision not to fight didn’t come all at once. She’s a loyal creature, and she desperately wanted to be there for her friends, but in the end, fear won out. Mary had been hurt by dark wizards before, she knew what they were capable of, and it wasn’t just her life at stake, it was the life of her new husband, of her parents, of her friends. At first, she tried staying in contact with her friends, checking in on them, trying to help out in small ways, however she could, without formally aligning herself with the Order or participating in any of the fighting. This changed when she found out she was pregnant. Though her first daughter wouldn’t be born until December of 1981, the moment she found out that she was expecting, Mary’s decision about the war was final. Though her daughter hadn’t even yet been born, she couldn’t risk anything happening to her, and she lost contact with many of her friends following her decision.

The years since the end of the war have been lonely for Mary. Though she’s tried to reach out to her former friends, she knows they didn’t support her decision to stay out of the fight, and don’t to this day. She feels awful for the things that happened, for Lily, in particular, who she had once considered her dearest friend, but she stands by her decision. She couldn’t risk anything similar happening to her or her family. She and Reggie live a fairly modest life, Mary secured a position in Wizengamot Administration Services a couple of years after Maisie was born, and has been there ever since, though currently only in a part time capacity. Their second daughter, Ellie, was born in 1984, much to the chagrin of her older sister.

The simple, domestic life was never something Mary had imagined for herself, but she loves being a mother, and she loves her husband more with each passing day. While her job can be tedious at times, she enjoys this, too, she feels as though she’s helping to bring about justice – even if it is a few years too late. Of course, there’s always a lingering sense of doubt that things aren’t quite as picture-perfect as they seem. There will always be dark witches and wizards, people who want to see witches like her dead, and Mary lives in fear of a resurgence of the kind of war that they left behind only a few short years ago. Making the decision not to fight was heartbreaking enough the first time around, she’s not sure she has the strength to do it again.

plot ideas —

Reginald | I really would love to explore Mary’s relationship with her husband!! I’ve never played Mary any older than her early twenties before, so I’d love to be able to dive into what has happened to her over the last six or so years, and how her husband has factored into this. Obviously they have two children together, how do they parent? Mary has been isolated from her friends since the war ended, so how has this affected her marriage? He’s pretty much the only person she feels safe and happy around, let me see it!! This is just such a rich area and definitely a lot of room to explore. Old friends | So, Mary went and disapp

eared in the middle of a war to protect herself and her family, how has this affected her former friendships? Though Mary stands by what she did, it wasn’t easy for her, and she desperately wants to be able to return to the way things were, and to have her old friends back. Mary can be quite stubborn, though, and probably defensive over the fact that they don’t forgive her right away, so definitely room for some tension and drama™.

War 2: Electric Boogaloo | Obviously Mary has no idea that there’s even the slightest chance that Voldemort could return, but this doesn’t stop her worrying about it. Though she’s more worried about his former allies rallying and trying again than an actual Voldy return, what would happen if her worst fears are realised? If she has to chose whether or not to fight again, will she make the same decision? I could really see it going either way, but I’d love for her to rebuild her friendships and relationships with the Order to the point where if Voldemort returned, she would be willing to stand up and fight and give her daughters a future to believe in.

extra —

mock blog / pinterest

[northernreads]

looking back at the decade is weird. like i am so damn old. the last time i hit a decade i wasn’t really old enough to fully i don’t know... comprehend it? if i had to summarize the 2010s in one word than maybe: university? though there was more than that i suppose. this is probably going to be stupid long but i don’t caaaaare cause the 2010s went on forever too

i graduated high school in 2010. i went back for a victory lap solely to avoid university for a year. i did mediocre in high school in just about every way (grades, friends, experiences). i can’t say that i enjoyed it at all so finishing up with hs was a great way to start the ‘10s even if i petrified to start uni

in 2011 i started uni. i was terrified. i didn’t want to go in the first place, high school had sucked why would I want to do more school? but i felt like i had no other choice. the first year was rough, i worked my ass off though and while I was warned to expect my usual grades to drop the first year, they actually soared. when i was late enrolling for courses for second year the dean of my faculty emailed me to see if everything was okay and if I needed help. by second year i was actually really enjoying uni. i majored in history and minored in english and i loved it. i really like writing essays it turns out.

i graduated cum laude in 2016. my original plan to go to teachers college but after already extending my undergrad by a year and getting yanked around by my uni in so many dumb ways, when I found out that I would have to push back my graduation again to make teachers college work I decided to switch gears instead. i found something else to make my liberal arts degree work: librarianship

in 2015/2016 i realized I had to very quickly make things work if I was going to get accepted into a masters program. everything I had been doing to make teachers college work wasn’t enough for this masters program. namely that being a teacher meant volunteering with kids a lot while getting my masters meant developing relationships with profs. something I was incredibly uncomfortable with, and hadn’t even had much opportunity to do as my undergrad uni had a massive population and most class sizes were large even at fourth year level. I went way, way outside my comfort zone and made it work though. i got my letters of recommendation and got my act together and got accepted into both masters programs i applied to.

in 2016 i began my masters program at a new uni. the program was much smaller than what I was used to, and while I missed my english classes especially, I loved the program. I did well. I made friends. I even joined a club. mostly this two year program was me dealing with a long commute. (5-6 hours per day, four days a week). i was exhausted all of the time. i got a paper published. i loved this too.

in 2018 i graduated with my masters of information, with a concentration in library and information science

in the 2010s i graduated three times. graduations suck and yeah that’s some extreme first world complaining, but god i hate them so much

i got my first real job in 2012. i had no experience and had a hell of a time finding a job. finally one day someone gave me a chance and i started my first job at a gas station. i worked there for five years. i went through four managers, i trained a lot of employees, i made some work friends, i read a lot of books for uni there, it helped me come out of my shell a bit too

in 2017 i quit my job at the gas station. I was on my fourth manager and after weathering all that change this one finally broke me. every week he changed how he wanted things done and acted like I was clueless for doing it any other way. I also knew that I needed to develop some more work experience.

my next job was at a shoe store. less than two months into the job i was a senior employee because everyone kept quitting. it was my first time in retail and also the first time i was really working with other people. i hated it at times, but i also grew to like it too. i picked everything up quickly and was made a key holder before long. i was there for less than a year. the company wasn’t doing well and my hours were cut to almost nothing. cue next job

by this point it was 2018 and i had just graduated my masters program and was looking for a job in my field. in the meantime i needed money. i got a job at costco. they thought i was still in uni even though my resume said ‘graduated’. so I got hired on for the summer as a student. it was an okay job. bigger than anywhere i had ever worked certainly. by the end of the summer i was so ready to be done with it though, the management was poor at times and they were relentless in pushing us to promote membership upgrades. I despise upselling products to people who clearly don’t want to talk about it. overall it really wasn’t terrible. i did like a lot of the people.

i got two interviews for jobs at libraries over that summer. i was applying for hours every single day in 2018. zilch.

so by fall 2018 i needed a new job again. enter the coffee shop. i got hired to be a baker at tim hortons and was never a baker, in fact less than 2 months into the job they moved me permanently to their satellite location at a gas station (oh how circular life is) which had no proper kitchen. i liked the gas station location better in the end. there was a small group of ridiculous teens and barely adults on the afternoon shift and they were kind of the best. i was at tims for 8 months, was almost made supervisor but luckily dodged that bullet

in 2019 i got a better paying job. completely different than anything i’ve ever done before and not in my field. but i’m not complaining

i started the 2010s having never even kissed someone before. and i’m ending it having found someone that actually makes me believe soulmates are a thing.

in 2013 (i think) i had my first boyfriend. he was shit. i don’t think it even lasted 6 months but honestly i don’t remember much and i try not to

in 2014 (i think?) i had begun to question my sexuality a bit and landed on bisexual. i also had my first girlfriend. she was also shit. i guess it was maybe almost a year long. again i try not to remember. 

there were other almosts and not quite relationships but mostly it was just the two. and they were bad. they messed with me in their own ways. after the gf (2015) i just stopped dating. i needed a break from it at first. but the more time I took the more I began to struggle with realizing that i was ace. something i did not want whatsoever. i was also just busy with my masters. i had no time to date even if i wanted to between school, commuting and work.

in 2018 i met someone on here. he has been nothing but perfect ever since and i am madly in love with him. he also doubles as my bestest friend ever so that’s awesome

i traveled a little bit too. i did four major roadtrips with my family. twice to the west coast of canada and twice to the east coast. i also took a plane for the first time ever and went to england

i went to a few concerts: marianas trench (twice), lorde, hayley kiyoko, and imagine dragons

i got my drivers license and first car

i had roomates in uni in the dorms and now have my first apartment (+ a roommate)

i cut my long hair super short and kept it that way for a few years and then grew it all back again

i got back into reading again and it saved my life

i lost a lot of pets. i used to have my own personal zoo at the start of the decade. In particular i lost my dog Sam, who was the most important being in my life for most of the decade. now I visit my family’s cats and dogs once a week. and I miss them a lot.

we saw the world go through a lot of changes but i’m sure there are a million articles on that already. we saw too many memes too. but i’m guessing a zillion articles on that subject.

I discovered so much about myself over the past decade. 2010 holly would not know who I am now and I am so grateful for that. she was kind of an idiot. I feel so much more like me than I ever have before. the 2010s were rough at times, and that’s putting it lightly. But i’m here. i made it. Things feel good. I have a lot more big things coming, and hopefully sooner than later. 

[onetruejonsey]

Decade In Review, by Samuel Richard Sinbad Gandalf Jones

So as the ‘Teens’ come to a close (I’m writing this with 3 hours left on the clock!), Gabby has insisted that I copy her, and do a highlight reel of my last decade. Now I’m not on YouTube yet, so this’ll be more of a REALLY REALLY long post, but go ahead and read it, then read Gabby’s on her page (@mist-over-water), and see just how boring I really am!

2010-

Well this year was boring as hell, clearly. I CAN’T REMEMBER MOST OF IT. But I was part way through my first year of A-Levels, and boy oh boy, was I failing them, I’d gone from being a straight A student to screwing everything up! Didn’t stop procrastinating though…..

2011-

Okay, now things get a little interesting, I got my first big job working at a really pleasant and mature restaurant….AHAHA just kidding I got a job at my local McDonald’s! It took me three attempts to get in there, not because I sucked, but timing sucked, I think the universe eventually saw me and just said ‘Oh fuck it, have the job’. But I wanted to earn some money to take me to university, and this seemed like a good idea at the time! And my first paycheck was spent on a brand new guitar! So I was a happy Sam!

I finished my A-Levels, and when I got my results, I was crushed, not at the results, they were pretty good. All my university choices rejected me, and all my friends made it. It was my own fault to be honest, but I’ll never forget just how low that made me feel. I was pretty angsty back then, so this just added to my pile!

I decided it was best to stay at work, go full time, get waaaaay more money, and try again next year. This proved to be a good decision, as it led to me being invited to my first ever work party, I got drunk, and there was karaoke, and I gave my best rendition of Basket Case by Green Day, and to this day, there are still whispers of my singing prowess. Even though I’m a bit shit.

2012-

I started 2012 with a pinch of determination, and it paid off. I re-applied for university, and all my choices accepted me, so now it was down to me to make my final decision. I’d had my eye on one in particular, so off me and Mum go to Northampton, 2 and half hours later, and the sat-nav took us to a primary school (I’ll never forget the shopkeeper on the same road-‘Looking for the uni? You’re the 4th person today!’). I fell in love with the whole place, and as soon as I got in the car I looked at Mum and said that I had to be there. I accepted the offer within a minute of being home.

Now from the good to the bad. Something happened to me this year that still sticks with me, and to many, this may seem stupid. But my dog died. Sounds stupid right? Jazz was the best dog I have ever known; loyal, unwavering, had the gift of the gab, and never left us alone. I was convinced she was actually a human reincarnated, she looked after Mum when she was ill, she looked after me when I was miserable, and she loved Dad. What made it more heartbreaking was that she never let us know that she was ill, no, that she was dying. When we got her to the vet, they originally thought it was a little infection, nothing major. The next day we had to rush her in as an emergency, and they found a tumour in her stomach the size of a baby’s head. How we never knew about it I’ll never know, but they operated, and got her all cleared up, and yet it wasn’t enough, she died within the hour, and I buried one of my best friends. This led to a vacuum in our house, we’ve always had dogs and the house felt so wrong without one, so Mum and Dad decided, one day without telling me, to go and get our current doggo Indiana. AND TALK ABOUT GOING FROM ONE EXTREME TO THE OTHER. If Jazz was the best dog ever, Indy is definitely the worst. But we love him, still today as a grumpy old man.

2012 saw me do something that I honestly never thought possible, and dead serious moment here: I genuinely never saw this coming for me, and was convinced that I was not the guy who would be in this situation. But I got a girlfriend, and it was my first relationship. Not ‘first major relationship’, like people who would bounce from quick fling to the next, but my first relationship. To me, a relationship is no small matter, you date me, I’m in it for the long term. Sam ain’t no quick and easy thing! Oh god why am I still such a dork. Anyway, so, yeah, my first relationship, and dear god was I clueless about what to do! And oh shit, I was leaving for uni in September, so would this work long distance? Am I boyfriend material? Will her parents like me? Will my parents like her?....ah fuck it, I WAS 19 AND IN LOVE. I DIDN’T GIVE A SHIT. And whilst we spent some of it long distance, we made it work.

2013-

Now that bit where I was really excited for university and all I’d learn in my 3 years there? Yeah I left after the first year. Cool. My finances were screwed over and I didn’t get my money, so I couldn’t go back, but I guess it was meant to happen for a reason.

Leaving university meant I could focus more on working back home at McDonald’s, so I tried for a promotion, got it, and lost it the day after because of bullshit. But I still carried on, because money’s nice right? I could buy nice things with it, like more stuff for my guitar collection! And many presents! But my my, I think I was getting into a world of pain staying there!

But while we’re on the subject of work and stuff, I got punched in the face by a shitty customer. And it broke my cheekbone. Which I didn’t find out about until a week later when I practically passed out and my girlfriend at the time rushed me to hospital! Since that’s happened I’ve always had a little problem with headaches, lately it’s been really good, to the point I’ve spent pretty much all of 2019, with no headache at all!

Still, finish a topic on a good note, I had my first ever trip to London, it was just me and my girlfriend, and we visited a bakery show. But London itself wowed me, and I fell in love with it, and I always knew I would be back there, just….not how I imagined.

2014-

Starting off, I went back to London! My girlfriend bought me tickets for me and my best friend to go and see Halestorm. MY FIRST CONCERT. And it was epic, I’d ben obsessed with Halestorm for some time already by this stage, so to see them live was a pivotal moment for me. The opening acts were shit, but my god, as soon as Lzzy belted out Love Bites…..oh, ohhh, OHHHHHH my god. The night itself was hectic enough, my friend and I didn’t think to book a hotel. Soooooo we had to run like fuck to make it back to the train, lest we be trapped in London for a whole night!

One big change in this year was my girlfriend and I moving into our own place, granted it was a static caravan, but it was ours, decorated, a bit cold, but it was home. Now, here’s a weird bit, I was home alone one night, and was just getting into bed, when I heard someone at the door. I thought it was my girlfriend home from work, but she was on a night? So, what’s the deal here? Oh wait that’s right, it was Gabby, drunkenly mistaking my caravan for hers! I heard muttering as she left, probably something along the lines of ‘Shit, not my caravan’. But if fate was starting the wheels turning, god she made it a slow fucking burn!

It took me a lot of years to pull this off, but I had my first ever holiday abroad! Rhodes, one of the Greek isles! I recall getting drunk a lot, really good food, and severe heat! But it was my first holiday in forever, and I went away with my girlfriend, her mum and her friend.

Aaaaaand then everything fell apart. I never expected myself to be in a relationship, but once I had one, I didn’t see it ending the way it did. And I’m not airing any dirty laundry, I wasn’t and am still not perfect, but I’m not bitter or twisted about it anymore, it just sucked at the time.  I was cheated on, and to anyone who’s had it happen to them knows that it does a lot of damage, it can take a lot of time to recover, and I was lucky to have the friends I had to help me.

The latter half of 2014 saw me drop into a real dark place, I contemplated suicide, and one day I considered it, staring at a packet of tablets for about 6 hours. It took my best friend randomly appearing at my house, practically kidnapping me and taking me to see Guardians of the Galaxy to snap me out of it! But both him and that movie saved my life, so I’m forever grateful to the pair of them. Also I started drinking heavily, at an unhealthy level but, like John Mulaney said, we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

2015-

Back to having a bit of a dull year, but only a bit. I knuckled down and got on with work, and proved myself time and time again. I remade myself, sorted my drinking out, and did a lot to make myself better, or at the very least, less of a fuckup.

I also managed to cram in three more concerts this year, saw Halestorm again with my best friend and another friend, and we loved one of the supporting acts, Nothing More. AND I GOT TO MEET THE SINGER AND HE WAS THE NICEST ERMAHGERD AND I STILL HAVE THE TICKET WHICH HE SIGNED. Then it was Theory of a Deadman later in the year, and they were phenomenal. But by far, the cherry on the cake was seeing Nothing More again, as a VIP! I got to meet the whole band, watch them from close up, got a crapload of merch, and just have the best damn concert experience I could ever have!

2016-

I started this year a little bit worse for wear, I was a little downbeat about things, and was a little bit lost with my choices in life. So I got a cat. Meg the Merciless. And she is a total bitch, mostly disobedient, attacker of unwatched feet. But she is one hell of a companion, and she loves me and Gabby, we can always rely on her to show us a little love and affection when we need it. But as long as it’s on her terms.

Only one concert this year, but it was a biggie: Sum 41 in London, with the same two friends I go to concerts with, aaaaaand we were bruised and injured from surrounding mosh pits, I think Jacob got a cracked rib for his troubles, and I got a smack in the head, so fun times all round!

I tried again for a promotion at work, and made progress! So that was good, my life’s going forwards, what else could happen to make this year more awesome?

OH THAT’S RIGHT I MET GABBY. Yep, thank you Plenty of Fish for giving the option to exercise my social awkwardness from a screen, because that makes me feel so much better! Anyway, yeah Gabby and I started talking on there, I seem to recall the conversation starting off about surviving a zombie apocalypse? Darling, please correct me if I’m wrong! But we started off strong, and carried on strong from there, I was able to open up to her, which made me feel amazing, confident about being in a relationship again, and then we finally met. And our first date was amazing, it may have been a simple idea, drinks, dinner, walking, trying to be a gentleman and not look at Gabby’s butt. Being told by Gabby to look at her butt, giving said butt 2 thumbs up. The usual stuff you know? But the thing that marvelled me most? Her honesty. Gabby hasn’t had the best life, and she has told me so much that any one thing might break some people, and yet Gabby has endured it all, and she is still one of the kindest people I have ever known. She was worried that I might’ve been scared off with what she wanted me know, but it made me love her more, because she trusts me to the point that she’ll tell me all of this. I visited the zoo in October with her, had an amazing first Christmas with her, met her nieces, who are all adorable, met her friends, had a blast, and had a somewhat awkward time introducing Gabby to my parents!

2017-

After nearly 6 months, Gabby was offered the chance to move in with me and my parents, because her home life was…pretty terrible. After suffering psychological abuse for 7 years at the hands of a total scumbag (side note, I find it really hard to hate people, but if this guy died? Fine.) and going away with me to London for a few days, she made the choice to move in. And I think she’s finally realising how terrible a choice that was, because this house is a total nutfest, and she is now a part of it AND CAN NEVER ESCAPE. But she’s embraced it, and has become a better person with her new environment!

Sticking to the topic of Gabby, she landed a job working with me at McDonald’s. And we became one of the greatest working couples in the whole world, people loved us there. Well, most people. I loved working with her, but the managers were becoming total dicks at the time, and Gabby was being discriminated for her mental health, which pissed me off. And thanks to my shitty advice, she quit in November. So go me!

I realise that so far, my 2017 has been largely about Gabby, AND THAT ISN’T STOPPING ANYTIME SOON! I made a post before about this, but Gabby took me to LFCC, my first ever convention. We went to London again, had a ball, met Glenn from Walking Dead, and Crowley from Supernatural! Later in the year we would also go back to London for MCM Comic-Con, which was more spectacle, but I preferred LFCC more, there were more famous people, and I’m a sucker for meeting the famous!

I saw Sum 41 again with my best friend, and we learned our lesson from the last concert, so we got seats up top, and watched from relative safety, and thank god for that because my hearing went to crap after that night! Gabby bought me tickets to go and see Nothing More again as well, and to show her my world a little more, I took her with me! God they know how to put on a show!

The year ended on the shitty side, and I was a pretty shitty boyfriend with this. But Gabby’s nan fell ill, and it wasn’t looking good, and when Gabby needed me after going to be with her mum at the end of the year, I wasn’t there. So I will be spending the rest of my life trying to make up for it. Sorry sweetheart.

2018-

A shit start to be honest. Gabby’s nan died, and it was a stressful time all round, Gabby and I had a massive argument, and I nearly drove her to self harm. Way to go Sam, you prick. I was convinced that after that, we would be over. Why would Gabby want to be with someone who drives her mental health into the dirt? So naturally I was surprised when she told me she still loved me, and still wanted to be with me, and when she moved back, and got a new job, I saw this as a chance to get things going back in the right direction, for the sake of us, and to show Gabby that I will always love her.

NOW FOR A BIG DRAMATIC CHANGE IN SAM’S LIFE. I quit McDonald’s. And looking back at it, thank fuck I did. I was gunning for another promotion, and I got so close to becoming a manager, only for it to be taken away. Yet another opportunity snatched by arseholes. So that was it, fuck ‘em. I quit, and thanks to Gabby finding it, I got a new job working in the same company as my dad, and I can safely say I have not regretted that decision. I love my new job to pieces!

Now, back to Gabby. AND YET ANOTHER DRAMATIC CHANGE IN SAM’S LIFE. In August, on Gabby’s birthday, I wanted to take her to the zoo, with her mum and nieces in tow. And that was the day I lost my girlfriend. AND GAINED A FIANCEÉ SEE WHAT I DID THERE TUMBLR? SUBVERT YOUR EXPECTATIONS OH YEAH. I proposed, and she said yes! I’m going to be a husband! I’m grateful for everything Gabby does, she teaches me so much, and sometimes doesn’t realise it, so to hear her say yes has to be the greatest thing she has done for me so far, because it shows that she wants to spend the rest of her life with an overweight, greying, eccentric, potty mouthed nerd.

I started learning to drive this year, because goddamn it, if I’m going to get somewhere with my life, I needed to drive, I needed a car. So I found a driving school, and got to work. Now it took me going to a different driving school to find out that my first instructor was just trying to bleed me for money, but I enjoyed the driving all the same. But when I had to find a new driving school, I saw that as an opportunity to procrastinate my arse off again. Well done Sam, well done. You prat.

2019-

I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST. After getting in with a new driving school, I got on really quickly, and passed first time, and in May, after Gabby passed her test as well, we got our first car. Moss, the (nearly) 18 year old Nissan Micra. He’s old, a bit clunky, but he’s an amazing car, and I couldn’t picture a better car for us to start with. Mainly because he’s small and really easy to park.

After getting my butt into gear, and sorting out some crap on my end, Gabby and I really got into planning our wedding, we set the date, and from there, we decided on venues, transport, Gabby chose a dress, everything was coming together in the planning phase. However, we didn’t anticipate that we would have already booked over ¾ of the wedding before the end of this year! Seriously, our wedding is in 2021, and we are practically done. WE BOOKED OUR HONEYMOON A FEW DAYS AGO FOR GOD’S SAKE. So yeah, 2020 may be a little less exciting!

Now for a little bit of a shitty part of 2019. I found out a friend of mine died, and that left me feeling down as hell. Of all the people, I never imagined my friend Jay would be one to go so soon. He was a massive character, big heart, and a bigger laugh to match. To hear him pass was frigging heartbreaking, and I don’t think I’ll stop visiting him anytime soon.

 Do I know what the next decade holds for me? Not a clue, but I’m glad I’m not alone for it, with Gabby at my side, and our wedding not that far away, I’m ready to make her the happiest woman alive, to start the family that we both want (I mean, apparently we’ll have twins when we have kids, so that’s going to be fun!), to live the lives that we want to spend together. To spend time with friends, new, old, and really old. But most importantly, to have her for all of it.

[belphegor1982]

Got tagged by @kikabennet! 

when did you last sing to yourself?

Yesterday, since I’ve currently been awake for an hour and a half. Might have been either “Bonnie Portmore” or “Here’s a Health (To The Company)”. I’ve been putting a lot of shanties and pirates/sailing-related films soundtracks on to draw to (and hopefully write to) lately. (EDIT: Ooops - yep, wrote that yesterday around 11AM, so make that this afternoon; I hummed while I drew along with the first 3 Pirates of the Caribbean soundtracks. It’s so darn hummable.)

if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

Who was the Man in the Iron Mask!? (I know better than to ask personal/family truths :S Besides, I’m curious.)

(putting the rest under a cut...)

what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Being able to speak (mostly) and read/write English fluently.

what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

When my mum was in the hospital with my newborn baby sister, my dad would take me see them, and before that we’d stop for ice cream and a ride on the merry-go-round. That’s what comes to mind when I read “first happy memory”.

if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I’d go see my family and friends who live far away a lot more, and eat a lot more of my favourite things.

do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

I don’t, really ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

describe a person close to your life in detail

The Best Beloved is tallish (1,77m - that’s… 5′10?), with dark brown hair, green eyes, skin that tans easily even in winter, and glasses. …and that’s as much detail as I’m comfortable putting.

do you feel you had a happy childhood?

On the whole, yes. Could’ve done without the bullying at school and the undermining of self-confidence at home, though.

when did you last cry in front of another person?

Don’t remember, so it must be at least a fortnight.

pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them

My dad, who used to sail with a compass. I don’t think he knows much about constellations, but he’s always willing to share memories, even if sometimes he doesn’t remember he’s told them multiple times.

would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

Probably. I shouldn’t, though. Strangers being by definition strangers, you never know where that information is going and how it might be used (possibly against you).

when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

We both were tired and ended up going to bed around half past midnight, so no 3AM conversation, but my friend Sandrine last week.

if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

…I have no idea? I think I’d concentrate really hard on not dying :S

what is your opinion on brown eyes?

Why would it matter tho I have brown eyes and for the longest time I thought they were boring. It doesn’t help that brown hair and eyes are basically the default where I grew up/live. Then I grew up and moved on.

pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally

George Bernard Shaw’s “Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” Life is complicated, all about balance between extremes and absolutes. Don’t trust people who tell you the world is grim and serious just because they are. And while getting the giggles at a funeral/wake is inappropriate, it doesn’t mean you’re heartless.

what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

Wait, What

what would you do with one billion dollars?

I’d keep half a dozen millions for me (car and house debts), my family and my friends, and give the rest to social services, healthcare, and public services in general.

are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

Ehhh… It’s complicated. I tend to hold grudges when I can remember why, but I rarely do something about it. On the whole I’m pretty “live and let live”.

would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Neither, really. I’m too soft for punk, but pastel’s not really my thing either.

how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain

I’m too much of a wuss to even consider getting either, but they look great on other people. When I get a spot on my tongue I wonder how people with a tongue piercing manage to keep it, though. It’s very distracting.

do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

As a rule, no, but if I work or if I’m invited somewhere I’ll throw on a bit of eyeliner and lipstick. (I should raid my makeup drawer, really, some of my lipstick cases are almost 20 years old and you should NOT do that.)

talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way

In high school I saw a psychologist (junior high was NOT a happy time and the bad stuff just overflowed at one point) and went to an outpatient clinic every Wednesday. They had lots of activities, like painting on silk, various art stuff, and a band, and I loved that band. I was one of the only ones who’d request songs to sing in English. The guitarist introduced me to the Beatles’ ���Something”, which I didn’t know, and to this day when I hear this lovely song I think of that guy who had a great smile, a great sense of humour and a great moustache (think George Harrison on Let It Be) who helped me get better.

list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel

Not to brag, but back in my uni days I did go to a number of them - K’s Choice, Coldplay, King Khan And His Shrines, M, Tom McRae are among the ones I remember. And a couple months ago I went to a rock concert with three bands one after the other. I love live music, it feels amazing. It courses through my body, makes me grin like a maniac, and want to jump and flail around just to vent the excess energy. And all this without a single drop of beer! (can’t stand the stuff :P)

who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

I’d love a letter from the national loto that says “here’s a giant check even though you haven’t scratched a ticket in years” :P More seriously, I LOVE receiving letters from my Internet friends.

do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

I don’t really have a workspace. I have a desk, which has the desktop screen, keyboard, mouse/graphic tablet, and a whole lot of mess of papers, pens, boxes, and stuff. I can use either that desk or my laptop in my armchair.

what is your night time routine?

Finish watching the movie/tv show, look at Tumblr a bit (and/or stuff on the laptop, like TV Tropes), go to bed, read a bit on my Kindle, kiss the Best Beloved good night, switch off the lights, and try to sleep.

what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

Anything about my intimate life, thanks.

if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

I experimented a bit with henna back in the day, but generally I just have haircuts (I have too little hair to risk harming it). I’d like some reddish highlights one day, though.

pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

Eehhh... I’d rather stay at home and chill :P Okay, I’d take the Best Beloved and my friends Melody, Nico, Sandrine, and Aldric, and head to Marquèze. (wish their website had an English version, it’d be better.) It’s an ecomuseum about local life in the early 1800s/early 1900s, with preserved traditional houses and people showing skills like dyeing fabric, shepherding, making flour (there’s a watermill) and all sorts of cakes and bread and snacks, and an entire day isn’t too much to visit everything.

name three wishes and why you wish for them

I wish:

I had a decently-paying job from home,

my friend Sandrine’s mum were/will be all right (don’t ask),

we had the house extension built already

what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up

We didn’t have Halloween when I was growing up, it really only started to be a thing in earnest a decade or two ago. Although... One time when we lived in Bordeaux, the Best Beloved and I were invited to a housewarming party on Halloween, so people would wear costumes. I went as a witch, with a long black skirt, long-sleeve thing with black lace (-ish), long black and white wig, and of course black lipstick and lots of black around the eyes. The Best Beloved had made a cloak, a scythe of sorts with cardboard and foil, and had a scary death head mask on. We didn’t have a car and the friend lived in Saint-Médard (which is relevant), so we had to ask around the bus drivers for which bus went there.

So picture the two of us dressed as we were, mask and all, well after dark, asking around for the “S&M” bus. Yep :P (People stared at us during the ride, and unlike the Best Beloved, I didn’t have the luxury of a mask to hide my laughter...)

what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

The only time I got slightly tipsy I went a little pink and apparently talked a little louder than usual. I’ve never got drunk (too afraid of stomachache later) or high (it took my mum two heart attacks to quit smoking and I’m wondering if she hasn’t taken it up again, I can’t hold a cigarette, tobacco or otherwise).

what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Hurt people, probably. If I wouldn’t do it for ten dollars I wouldn’t do it for a million - if you agree to one or the other the rest is just haggling over price.

if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

I don’t think I have the right face shape for that - my face is too round, longer hair suits me better.

what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

I live 126 km (78 miles) from the nearest Starbucks, when I walk by one the queue is huge, and the prices are well beyond my range :> But I’d trust the Best Beloved. He’d still ask me, though.

what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

Being happy and/or stress-free. Also the oncoming Papa Bear Awards nominations in a week and the Eurovision Song Context coming up in May :D

Tagging @radarsteddybear, @rose-of-pollux, @truxi-twice, @myrling-art, @iorvethscommando, and @toooldforthisbutstill! :o)

[junker-town]

The 5 most exciting and least exciting conference tournaments in college hoops

Timothy T. Ludwig-USA TODAY Sports

Who the heck is going to win the MAC? We have no idea.

Heavy favorites are typically the norm on Championship Week, but this isn’t an across the board deal. There are a number of leagues this season where the regular-season champ appears vulnerable, and a few where parity reigns so supreme that it’s not hard to see a scenario where a team that finished near the bottom of the league standings could reel off three or four wins in a row.

Here are the five leagues that may prove to have the wackiest of wacky postseasons.

1. Mid-American

I have no idea what the hell is going on in the MAC.

Only five of the 12 teams in the conference have league records above .500. No team has fewer than four losses. Akron looked like world-beaters for a month and then lost to Bowling Green by 18. Bowling Green — which has pieced together back-to-back 20 win seasons for the first time since the 1940s — followed that performance up with an 18-point loss to East Division cellar dweller Miami. Two-time reigning champion Buffalo won in bunches and lost in bunches.

A team seeded fifth or worse has won this thing four times in the last 12 years. That’s the same number of times the top seed has cut down the nets over the same span.

This tournament has the potential to go off the rails in a hurry.

2. Conference USA

The jury is still out on C-USA’s new “pod scheduling” system, which is designed to have the league’s best teams play more games later in the season against one another with the hope of giving the conference the best chance possible to send multiple teams to the NCAA tournament. When it’s apparent by early January that your league is going to be a 1-bid league, well, then it just creates a few interesting matchups for the regular season title race and a whole bunch of really bad games.

With one game still to play in the regular season for most of its teams, C-USA has an established tier one of North Texas (14-3), Western Kentucky (12-5) and Louisiana Tech (11-5). Behind that trio there is a sandwich of seven teams that have records between 9-7 and 7-9.

It feels right that this conference tournament will once again feature multiple games being played at the same time right next to one another, and that a handful of those games will only be viewable on Facebook.

Best sport in the world.

3. Big Sky

The Big Sky used to be one of those conferences that only allowed a little over half of its teams to qualify for the conference tournament. Thank goodness it saw the error of its ways, because the league is incredibly competitive this season.

Eastern Washington and Montana are currently tied atop the league standings with matching 14-4 records, but there are three teams immediately behind them — Northern Colorado, Portland State and Northern Arizona — that also have double-digit league wins. The ninth-place team in the conference right now is perennial power Weber State, which has the league’s most dynamic scorer in Jerrick Harding. Hell, the last place team in the conference, 3-15 Idaho, won at league-leading Eastern Washington less than a month ago.

You’ve got a week to figure out what the hell Pluto TV is because that’s where the first two rounds of this tournament are going to be, and they’re going to be sensational.

4. Southern

This one doesn’t make the list because of the parity or depth of the conference. It makes the list because the SoCon has three teams that are all good enough to win at least one game in the NCAA tournament, if they can make it there.

Regular season champ East Tennessee State seems like a safe bet to be in the field of 68 regardless, but they certainly don’t want to leave anything to chance. Furman (25-6, 15-3) and UNC Greensboro (23-8, 13-5) are terrific basketball teams loaded with mid-major star power as well.

Carve some time out for the SoCon semifinals and title game. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

5. Missouri Valley

Arch Madness is always the bell cow of the postseason’s opening week, and 2020 should be no different.

Northern Iowa is an NCAA tournament lock that could be a single-digit seed in the Big Dance, but the Panthers aren’t going to waltz through this thing. Loyola Chicago (remember those guys?) finished just a game behind UNI in the final league standings and beat the Panthers by nine on Feb. 15.

Bradley and Indiana State both finished with 11 conference wins, and Southern Illinois notched 10. In all, seven of the 10 teams in this conference are heading to St. Louis with league records of .500 or better.

We also can’t wrap this up without giving a special shoutout to Evansville, which became the first team in college basketball history to beat the No. 1 ranked team in the AP poll (at Kentucky on Nov. 12) and go winless in conference play in the same season. The Purple Aces, who fired head coach Walter McCarty in the middle of the season due to reports of alleged sexual misconduct, went 0-18 in the Valley and haven’t won a game of any sort since an overtime win over Murray State on Dec. 21.

Bring this thing home, Aces.

Five Less Exciting Conference Tournaments

1. Northeast

Let me preface this entire spiel with the following: None of this is the fault of the Northeast Conference. There was nothing you could do about this. This is not on you.

With that out of the way, it is an absolute goddamn travesty that Merrimack doesn’t get to play in this tournament. The Warriors should be one of the best and most fun stories of March, but instead, we’re not going to hear anything else about them until the CBI or the CIT starts ... which means we’re not going to hear anything else about them for the rest of the year because I’m still not entirely convinced those tournaments are real.

For those unfamiliar, Merrimack went 20-11 this season, became the first team ever to win 20 games in its first season as a member of Division-I, and then won the Northeast Conference regular season title outright with a 14-4 record, making them also the first program in NCAA history to win an outright conference regular season title in its first season of Division I reclassification.

Classic underdog college basketball story for the American public to grab onto in March, right? Nope.

Because the NCAA bans transitioning schools from postseason play for four years (unless the conference in question has a limited number of teams, but even then, the transitioning school is ineligible to play in the NCAA tournament or the NIT), the Warriors will not be participating in this week’s NEC tournament. They also won’t be playing in the event in any of the next THREE years. The reason for the rule, of course, is that ... I don’t know ... stories like these might be too fun and awesome? The NCAA power structure is loaded down with Robert Morris grads? Who knows.

Anyway, none of this has slowed the roll of Merrimack head coach Joe Gallo, who has been hurling himself around like a lunatic for a week straight.

THE CHAMPS ARE HERE!!!!!#GoMack // #NECMBB pic.twitter.com/bjQ1ZjzFpX

— Merrimack Men’s Basketball (@MerrimackMBB) February 28, 2020

✈ FROM THE TOP RUNG ✈#AirGallo #AirGallo #AirGallo #AirGallo #AirGallo #AirGallo pic.twitter.com/bPQxbhWv0V

— Merrimack Men’s Basketball (@MerrimackMBB) February 28, 2020

Nope, definitely don’t want more of that over the next couple of weeks. No fun to be found there.

And one more thing before we move on: Every year I fill out my NEC bracket, and every year I forget that after the quarterfinals, the league has the lowest remaining seed play at the highest remaining seed instead of having the tournament play out in traditional fashion.

Is this the most fair way to have a tournament like this where the host is always a campus site? No question. Does it leave me feeling like an idiot with multiple scratched out names after the quarterfinals? Every year.

I’ve got a lot of problems with everything happening in the NEC right now. Lotta problems.

2. Sun Belt

Not only has the Sun Belt made the move to the cowardly more equitable step ladder bracket where the top two seeds get a bye all the way to the semifinals, but they’re only allowing 10 of the 12 teams to participate in the tournament. This is a FIVE-DAY tournament. You couldn’t figure out a way to throw poor Troy and Louisiana-Monroe a bone?

If you’re curious about what a five-day tournament where the top two seeds don’t play until day four looks like, here you go:

If you have that many consecutive days with no more than two games being played, you’re probably doing something wrong. More games, more daytime basketball, more opportunities for glory; That’s what march is all about.

What are we doing here, Sun Belt?

3. Ivy League

You know what? I’m starting to think that we’ve been overestimating the value of an Ivy League education for decades now. I’m basing this entirely off the fact that the conference holds a four-team tournament at a pre-determined on-campus location.

None of this works.

If you’re capping the field at four, you may as well go back to the old 14-game tournament days. And if you’re going to have play the games on a campus site, at least have the advantage for the host school be an earned one. Also, at least make sure the host school is actually going to be a participant in the tournament.

You people baffle me. You spend all your money on these fancy conference tournaments, you surround yourself with ‘em, and they’re the wrong fuckin’ conference tournaments.

That’s two Good Will Hunting references in one extremely niche college basketball feature. So, yeah, we’re doing pretty well here.

4. West Coast

For five years, the West Coast Conference went away from the step ladder bracket and made Gonzaga and Saint Mary’s play more than two games to win a conference tournament championship. It was cool. Last year, they went back.

Here’s the thing: Gonzaga won every single one of those tournaments and played either Saint Mary’s or BYU in the title game each time. So it’s not like compressing the tournament hurt the league when it came to the likelihood of it sending its top dog(s) onto the NCAA tournament.

You’re depriving us of the over-saturation we crave, and you’re doing it for no reason.

5. Big Sky

Yeah I’m calling the Big Sky out for being boring just one section after praising it for being exciting. Things change quickly. This is March. Try and keep up.

Here’s the reason: On paper it looks like it’s going to be “crazy competitive,” but this is the only conference tournament in America where the No. 1 seed has cut down the nets in each of the last four seasons. It doesn’t stop there. The No. 1 seed has actually won the Big Sky tournament in eight of the last nine years, and the one year the top seed didn’t win, it was the No. 2 seed that took home the title. Great news for Eastern Washington/Montana. Not so great for the rest of us.

Consider this a warning shot, Big Sky. We’re gonna need to see some fireworks in the very near future.

[under-the-lake]

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, The film: Deeper First Impressions - Part 1

SPOILER ALERT! If you don’t want to read spoilers, don’t read further. I won’t hide them.

I had the opportunity to see the premiere of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them on November 16th in our local cinema (Europe launched the film earlier than the USA and many other countries). Unfortunately it was dubbed in French. However, besides hating the dubbing (which was decent, I must say, for once), the first impressions about the film won’t change. Here’s mine, along with some research about some things I didn’t know about the US in that period of time.

Feel free to comment and react to this in the discussion below or on the fb page!

I liked the film. I can’t say yet if I loved it, because I’ll have to have to see it again, I’m afraid. However, one thing is certain, I had a few good laughs, and got attached to some characters, slightly scared by some creepier ones, and didn’t like some others.

Many questions were raised by the film, though and I haven’t got any satisfactory answer yet. Maybe one day, or through discussions…

These first impressions were to be a short bit. They turned out a tad longer, so I’m splitting the reading to make it easier for the less addicted to reading among you. I don’t know how many parts there will be, because the more I write, the more I want to write. The more I research, the more I want to do research. You’ll forgive my brain, I’m sure, for being inexorably searching and I am afraid, addled beyond repair by thirst for knowledge.

New York 1926

More General History - wise but still a bit Wizarding History-wise

The context, 1926 New York, is pictured rather well, both socially and artistically. The teams working on the set and props and costumes did a fantastic research job and the attention to detail is really striking.

Socially, this period is post-war ‘Roaring Twenties’, but under the tiny crust of happy carelessness, jazz clubs and garçonne fashion, there is poverty, racism, discrimination, and everyday life struggle, as shown by Jacob Kowalski.

The Speakeasy: Gnarlak and the Blind Pig

The happy part is shown mainly in the Blind Pig, the wizarding underground bar, where music, drinking and socialising are the rule. It’s a short scene, but it’s important because it makes the depiction of that era complete.

Prohibition was Muggle law (1920-1933) and dealers went into hiding, thus continuing the century-old tradition of the speakeasies, underground bars. The name of the bar in the film is yet another name for those places, and talking about a blind pig (or tiger) is talking about an underground booze place. The name ‘speakeasy’ can stem from the fact that the first such places were created in the 19th century to allow people to talk freely, but also from the fact that you had to whisper a password at the door. The name ‘blind pig’ could refer both to the fact that from the outside the place wouldn’t look conspicuous and people would be ‘blind’ to it unless knowing about it, or to the fact that the famous ‘moonshine’ was sold there and could drive you blind or dead because of the methanol it was made of.

There are some relics of those times, like that one Blind Pig in Dublin, Ireland. So music and insouciance yes, but still with Moody’s eye revolving ceaselessly, and CONSTANT VIGILANCE as a motto, because you could cop it if the police called round.

In Muggle US cities the booze would often be bad home-made stuff, like ‘Sweet whiskey’, made of ether and sulphuric and nitric acids (nice feeling in the tummy), or the famous ‘moonshine’. Of course you could get good alcohol too, if you were rich and lucky.

Booze was not forbidden to wizards, though, so they can peacefully enjoy gigglewater at the Blind Pig. However, the bar is run by a very mafioso-looking goblin, Gnarlak. He’s got everything of the villain godfather, and personifies another part of the city-life in the US at the time. Prohibition made alcohol more expensive and more deadly than ever, and some people took advantage of the situation. Gangs started to compete over the control of illegal booze trade… and if you remember well, one of the most famous of those guys was Al Capone, in Chicago. We have Gnarlak in New York, and his behaviour to the heroes is not exactly nice, nor are his fingers, crooked the wrong way… maybe a sign...

On the bright side, those places were THE place where society went forward in terms of integration. People of colour, who were still struggling for their rights in the USA at the moment, could enter the blind pigs and mix and socialise with white people. That was good. Women started getting interested in running such businesses as well and they could do that in there, when they weren’t employees… because those were also brothels.

If you have a close look at who are the guests at the Blind Pig, you’ll see the most extraordinary variety of people and creatures, considering what segregation and discrimination were at the time, as well as ruffians, outlaws with their wanted posters on the wall along with MACUSA people. That’s the magic of such places. All differences are left at the doorstep. Except when Gnarlak decides otherwise, of course.

Immigration Rules

The so called American Dream is nothing more than a dream indeed, for most immigrants. They were probably only too happy to get their feet on US soil, since the Immigration Act of 1924 was very restrictive: It wanted to ‘preserve the racial homogeneity’ (no comment - but that thought had been very trendy overseas for about a decade) and thus banned all Arabs and Asians from immigrating to the USA, as well as restricted severely the immigration of Africans (nothing similar is happening a century later…. … … ). As for the others, the act wanted to limit drastically the immigration of Southern and Eastern European citizens and limited the numbers to 2% of the people of each country who were already living there as of the census of 1890. People were fleeing countries where war had made not only human casualties, but lasting damage to the land and property, blowing the economical system into smithereens, generating revolutions and the rise of the right extremes (or of the left, like in USSR).

The rules at the customs are therefore very strict, when Newton Scamander arrives (why doesn’t he Apparate from the ship?), and we learn later in the film that he must have asked for a Wand Permit from MACUSA, which he never got.

Moreover, Wizarding Laws about creatures are really severe. Breeding and probably keeping were forbidden in New York, at least when it came to magical beasts. I can imagine Muggles had the same kind of restrictions,  because of the questions the customs officer asks Newt in scene 4.

Laws in the USA Wizarding World are way different from those we’ve been accustomed to in the British world of Harry Potter. Part 2 will tell a bit more about that.

Sources for part 1

Kaspi, André, Les Américains, I. Naissance et essor des Etats-Unis 1607-1945, Editions du Seuil, Paris, 1986 (last edition exists, printed 2014), chapter 9

Immigration Act of 1924, wikipedia; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Immigration_Act_of_1924

Pottermore, History of Magic in North America, Writings by J.K. Rowling

Deary, Terry, The Trendy 20s & Dirty 30s, Horrible Histories collection, nb 24, Eaglemoss Publications, 2003

Speakeasy, wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speakeasy

Rowling, Joanne K., Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them - The Original Screenplay, Scholastic, 2016

Salisbury, Mark, and MinaLima, The Case of Beasts - Explore the Film Wizardry of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Obscurus Books, Diagon Alley, London; Harper Collins, London, 2016

[gaiatheorist]

Delusions of good-enough.

Last week’s ‘Jagged Little Pill’-is-bad blog didn’t happen, I’d started retrospectively analysing the lyrics that resonated ‘then’, from a perspective of ‘now’. ‘Jagged Little HRT-patch’ if you will, reflecting that the words haven’t changed, we have, in the 20+ years since the album. (For what it’s worth, I think it’s a good album, there’s still a bit of the flailing-stomping-non-mainstream about me.) 

@samdylanfinch was re-tweeted into my Twitter timeline, and another piece of the jigsaw-that-is-me almost, but not quite fitted into position. (It’s a million piece jigsaw, it’s all sky, I’m trying to complete it in the dark, during a hurricane, and I’m wearing boxing gloves... I’m on a waiting list for therapy.) I’ve accepted for a very long time that I have a tendency to push people away, and always assumed it was a protective mechanism. The faux-bravado, styling myself as a heartless bitch who just doesn’t ‘need’ friends, or relationships is entrenched. I joke about my reverse-Midas touch being why I don’t engage with very many people. I deliberately distance, I deliberately disturb and disgust, to keep most-people at arms length. I don’t ‘get’ people, a lot of ‘me’ was very atypical even before the brain injuries, always-outsider, never quite ‘fitting’, so I just stopped trying after a while. 

I need to watch myself not to go off on the “Am I Frankenstein, or the creature?” slant again, whatever I am, I just ‘am’, potentially some of it can be unpicked and re-learned, some of it I might just have to live with, and work around.

I’m ‘doing it’ now, one of my behaviours, my superiority complex. I read the whole thread, about some damaged-people running from relationships, and I identified heavily with that. Then Little Miss Twist decided to show her hand, and I had a brief, but intense period of “No, I don’t, I’m better than that!” in relation to the ‘pleasing’ element. There is no ‘better’ here, it’s just a shade of different, I don’t approval-seek in the same way as ‘most’ people, and I can be very prickly about the ways some-people do it. That’s unkind, so I try to ‘catch myself’ before I start arguments. You wouldn’t believe how much of my waking hours are spent distracting and deflecting myself from starting arguments about things that happened decades ago. (Seriously, I’ve had one bubbling up for weeks about a family member who didn’t vaccinate her kids against MMR, twenty years ago.) I’m not withholding that argument to avoid upsetting her, I’m sitting on it because there’s no need for it, it would achieve nothing.

The adorable counsellor, who saw me for 16 sessions, when he was only supposed to allocate six, periodically asked me “Are you a bit of a people-pleaser?”, and it made me bristle. I can see his logic now, in light of the Twitter thread, but then, I misconstrued the phrase as ‘door-mat’, and absolutely denied it. I had been a door-mat, for far too long, with the ex, and to some extent with my last job. With the ex, it was path-of-least-resistance, the things he’d tantrum-smash were always mine, it was a preservation-behaviour. With work, I continued to absorb more and more workload, refining systems and processes to make them more effective, thinking I’d matter-more. I was approval-seeking right up until the last minute, making sure everything was as in-order as it could be before I left, because I didn’t want colleagues to think badly of me. That’s my ‘different’ door-mat behaviour I don’t sulk for weeks if nobody notices my new hair-do, and, while I do have intense periods of over-thinking whether I might have upset some-people, I’m not overly-concerned about being ‘liked.’ My people-pleasing is generally trying to help more than I harm, and usually dumping myself at the bottom of the priority-list in the process. 

It’s a learned behaviour, some of it is useful, some of it less-so. My Adverse Childhood Experiences led to me developing some entirely understandable hyper-vigilance and risk-mapping analytical behaviours. In the last mental health assessment, I referred to myself as ‘a machine’, ‘a robot’ and ‘a computer’, and I’m snort-laughing at myself for being ridiculous, I’m a human being, it’s just difficult to articulate the tangential-triage processes of my brain. ‘Over-thinking’ doesn’t even touch on it, I don’t feel safe unless I’ve considered every possible outcome (usually some improbable ones, too) to a decision, which is bizarre, given my tendency to make incredibly unwise decisions when I’m less-lucid. 

That’s the foundation of it, for me, the disordered thinking is rooted in not being safe, so building in these weird coping strategies, to make me feel ‘safer’, more ‘in control.’ Also to ‘please’ people, with my “I’ve already done it.” and “I’ve made it better.” behaviours. Back to being a show-off, and a try-hard, neither of which are particularly admirable behaviours. I don’t want to be ‘pretty’ or ‘feminine’, those signal-danger for me, so I don’t seek vanity-validation, and I do allow myself to become far too annoyed when I see other people doing it. I don’t want to be perceived as weak, or vulnerable, and I scare the shit out of people ‘proving myself’. (There are two text conversations on my phone, my son very gently telling me that if I wait until he’s home from Uni he’ll help me erect my poly-tunnel, and a jokey one from a friend suggesting I might not have thought to secure the cover, in case of high winds ‘because you’re a woman’. The poly-tunnel is up, very well secured, and I ‘beat’ the average time to build it quoted on the reviews. Show-off.) That’s knowing that I am both weak and vulnerable, entrenched by being conditioned-female, never-quite-enough, and then over-layered with 20+ years of the ex, and Father-in-law telling me what I couldn’t-do. I’m never going to be ‘pretty’ or ‘strong’, so I chose to be ‘intelligent’ instead. Then I had a brain haemorrhage, which has significantly impacted on some of my cognitive functioning. 

I have two simultaneous ear-worms, the ‘Daddy never came to my ball games’ at the end of Tim Minchin’s ‘Dark Side’, and snatches of Alanis Morissette’s ‘Perfect.’ My ‘Historical and Complicating Factors’ are rooted in dysfunctional early attachment, over-layered with significant abuse. My parents were profoundly unstable people, both prone to outbursts of violence, there is no ‘safe place’ when you’re never sure which one of them is going to hit you next, but bruises fade in time. The emotional aspects of that, and various other elements of my childhood are more difficult to overcome. There was no trust, ever, the people who were supposed to keep me safe didn’t, and compounded that by continually reminding me that I wasn’t good enough. If I scored 9/10 on a test, Dad would ask me what I’d gotten wrong, rather than congratulate me for trying. Mum would fly into physically abusive rages, and blame-shift that *everything* was my fault. (Yes, I did throw out “I didn’t ASK to be born!” a few times, then I just stopped reacting when she hit me, useless talent number-whatever, both in terms of taking showers of punches without flinching, and being able to split up bar-fights, bruises fade in time.) 

It was predictable, coming from that background, that I’d be vulnerable to further abuse-of-power relationships, the boyfriend-before-the-ex was a very damaged creature, who became physically abusive. The first time he hit me, I accepted the apology and reassurances that it would never happen again, the second time, I broke his nose. The ex wasn’t physically abusive, he was coercive, controlling, and of the opinion that the ring on my finger meant he could put his penis wherever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I had ‘nowhere to go’, so I went into myself, physically present, but not emotionally, for most of the 20 years we were together, I was living a half-life. (Whoa on the blame-shift, there, I’m down-shifting his behaviours against how ‘unkind’ I was in withdrawing my attention and affection, knowing how needy he was.) 

That ‘going into myself’ distancing behaviour is part of the over-arching issue. I ‘know’ that most people don’t intend to harm me, but what’s the point in taking the risk that they might? I don’t engage with people very much, I’m ‘stuck’ as that tiny little girl who wasn’t invited to parties because she wet herself, or that lanky teenager who was too intelligent to be in the gangs of the local kids, and too dirty-poor to be invited to the houses of the kids she was in classes with. Outsider-alien, I never quite grew out of the “I MUST be adopted, I can’t possibly belong here!” phase. It’s probably more than ten years since I realised that it’s not just the ‘not engaging’, I also actively push people away. Not quite as extreme as an abused child deliberately soiling themselves as a distancing tactic, but I can be pretty disgusting at times. It’s a tolerance-test, I say or do some pretty horrendous things to encourage ‘natural attrition’ of people, sometimes I just ‘drop off’, because I don’t have the emotional capacity to respond appropriately. 

At the very bottom of this rabbit-hole, I need to unpick the historical messages that I wasn’t good-enough from the fabric of now. I need to accept that what I have now has to be the foundation for whatever comes next, I can’t change the past, I can only shape my future reactions. I need to ease myself out of burrowing-behaviours, to stop running away from my emotions, and potentially engage-more, cut-off less. There are a very small number of people in my life who are very important to me, I need to rid myself of the notion that I’m too-cling, too-demanding, too-’me’, and accept that people who choose to engage with me do it of their own volition. I’m never going to be Ms Popular, and I don’t want to be, I’ll settle for good-enough. I’m damaged, I’m not broken, I’ll never be perfect, but no-one really is. I need to stop the old behaviour of ‘getting the first punch in’, and pushing people to reject me, it isn’t inevitable that they will. Keeping the whole world at arms length is incredibly draining, the bitch-armour is heavy, I need to learn to accept that I’m not ‘stealing’ attention or affection if it is freely given, that I might just deserve it.