#idk strange as fuck to us I know
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The weird thing about abusers is they get vengeful over perceived slights that never happened, interpreting your intentions as negative toward them and using other cognitive distortions like black and white thinking to stabilize their delusional belief, and they project onto you without even seemingly realizing it… like each abuser to varying degrees seems to not even be aware of it?? I’ll tell ya, lack of self-awareness on both a human and spiritual level is extremely dangerous…
#my text#so bizarre#and the fact that they play victim for each other too which surrounding yourself with other people with the same toxic personalities as you#will only enable your delusional self schema#actually traumatized#actually abused#actually cptsd#actuallyabused#actuallytraumatized#actually traumatised#actually bullied#autumn and nina seemed to project the most and seemingly didn’t know#but like my brother andrew seems more self aware and deceitful and manipulative about it#idk how a human being can be that evil to justify rape over projections#that’s an insane amount of delusion no wonder most people look into mental illnesses to explain the behaviors of their abusers#it’s just you never fully know anything other than the fact that you have to come out of that gaslighting by yourself#idk strange as fuck to us I know
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I Feel TFOne Could've Handled This Better...
Hot take but I feel like folks have been really generous with the take that OP was unable to find ~the perfect words~ in the heat of the moment (and thus should be given some grace) when he told D to stand down and "not be like Sentinel"... namely cuz I don't feel that the narrative supports this?
Like-- after all is said and done, OP doesn't reflect on that part of their split. He doesn't have a moment where he seeks validation or voices his regrets over the choice of his words, it's actually cut-and-dry. The narrative (as it stands) supports that OP saw D-16 acting up, so he called him out and stood on business, down to the last scenes where he's basically like "yeah it's a shame but y'all knew I had to do it to 'em."
It didn't have to be much! I'm not saying to absolve Megs, just show OP looking at things from a different perspective/contemplating a bit on that tough choice and the morality of the moment. Some examples of what I wish we had:
B-127 straight up blurting the obvious by later chatting with Orion like, "Wait so you told your best friend that he was acting just as bad as the guy who enslaved us for our entire lives and was torturing him like an hour ago? Oof. Seems kinda harsh." Then have some of OP's regret show on his face.
OP asking Elita-1 after Megs is banished if he did the right thing. Have Elita back his choice up, saying, "You should have seen what he did after you were... gone. It was terrifying. I know it was tough, but you made the right call." OP is grateful for the support, but a conflicted look still flashes across his face before he steels himself to look out towards the horizon... and the future.
Have OP walk past other mechs/former miners who didn't go with the High Guard saying stuff like, "Wish I could've given Sentinel a piece of my mind!" "Yeah, but I'm glad he's gone for good." "Ugh I miss everything." "Oh, it was crazy! Megatron picked him up and then he rrrrriiipped-- oops, hey there, Mr. Optimus... Prime... sir?" And have OP wave hello, looking a bit sick when they leave.
Post-credits scene with Starscream going on and on, asking Megs when they'll be back to teach the upstart Prime a lesson. Megs grabs his face to shut him up. "Patience, Starscream. The Prime thinks I'm no better than Sentinel... but I'll show him. He wants Iacon? He can have it. In the meantime we'll take the rest of the planet! Then I'll come back, crush Prime under my heel, and we'll take Iacon too. Sentinel's reign will barely be a footnote, because I'm about to become Optimus Prime's worst nightmare." The vocal performance would really need to sell this-- like picture Megs saying something like that from a place of anger and hurt, not so much a place of genuine evil or malice.
Basically instead of Orion's assertion being backed up as black and white/good vs bad, I wish we had some different opinions/reactions from the characters sprinkled in there. Like you can't tell me out of allllll the miners who weren't strong enough/willing to go with the High Guard and ended up sticking around that NONE of them were like "eyyo honestly?? Kiiiiinda glad Sentinel is dead. Wish I could have helped, tbh." like come onnnnn...
And you can't even argue that he's not an active threat-- I don't think everyone would see things that way! It's not just about the threat he physically has, but the threat he represents and is very likely to act upon if given the opportunity! He has a proven track record of not only being sneaky and conniving, but also capable of dealing some serious damage/killing people bigger and stronger than him, plus he has the backing of the Quints. All he'd need to do is wriggle his way out of jail and run off to his sponsors, then he'd probably be back to hurt more people! (If the Quints didn't just kill him out of incompetence lmao). There's a lot of "ifs" here, but I think it's a valid argument that not everyone would agree on what is the right or wrong way to handle Sentinel once he was down long enough to, like, do something about him.
I feel the situation needed a bit of nuance. In some way I wish they had kicked the can and had D and Orion bicker while Sentinel escaped, then have D get frustrated enough by the loss of Sentinel to point fingers (and his fusion canon) at Orion, who then falls and becomes OP. (Megs could still show some of thar emotion/remorse right after he does it too.) Not only would this open the door for a sequel, but tbh the Quint might have just killed Sentinel anyways and sought to deal with the miners uprising themselves lol. (Maybe that could have been an after credits scenes too instead of the B-127 bit??)
Would love to see a moment in a sequel where they have a calmer moment after arguing for a bit. Have OP mention how Megs was out of line, that it hurt and even scared him to see him act that way, and Megs can quietly point out "you said I was as bad as Sentinel... is that really how you see me? After everything we went through?"
Then OP can fumble the bag again lmao like "D, I... I'm sorry, that didn't come out right... but you still took things way too far..."
"Why am I not surprised-- your opinion is what matters the most! Maybe that's why you became a Prime, since you're so good at acting like the world revolves around you--!"
*gets interrupted by someone else before another yelling match ensues*
#rambling#transformers one#tf one#tfo#i'll be honest a lot of this stems from how rushed i felt the last like... 3rd of the movie feels#i feel Optimus is so dismissive of Megs!! like basically the whole movie but ESPECIALLY after coming back to life as a Prime???#your best friend is Going Through It. clearing having an Emotional Breakdown.#He drops you. In the moment it mattered most he chose violence... but notice what he says right before that?#Megs says ''I'm done saving you''#Like??? y'all don't wanna delve into that a little more?????#i half expected Optimus to pop up and be like ''excuse me. i wasn't done talking. what Did You Mean By That??''#instead he comes up and IMMEDIATELY has already written off this entire relationship as well.#Megs dropped him. it was a aplit second decision. we see in the movie D leaning into these bad impulses.#Orion is supposed to mature gradually so he's more level-headed by the end. why does that equate to abandoning the friendship??#why does he suddenly wanna drop Megs too? wouldn't this be the time for ''please listen to me'' part 2?#''it doesn't matter who has the matrix. we can make a change for the better! please listen to me'' etc#also minor nitpick but lmao why was OP Talking Like That after becoming Prime?#like he goes from ''haha hey guys hows it goin'' to ''You have used your gifts for Evil and Betrayed the entire planet''#babes what. Cybertron?? we went on a 2 day road trip on foot the fuck you know about Cybertron.#like betrayed Iacon maybe but idk maybe the guys in Tarn would be cool with Megs you dont know! lmao!#if my friend and I had beef and they started talking to me like the queen of england i would literally ask where they got their soapbox.#ohhhh you think you're morally superior? stop speaking for the whole planet lmao!! already named prime and letting it go to his head!!#strange dieties lying in the core of the planet distributing magic baubles that bring you back to life#is no basis for picking a planetary leader#this has been Orion Was Right: The Movie#when i wish there was a bit more.#maybe another 20-30 min would have helped me idk hhhhh#but Megs turn felt sooooo fast... then things just kept escalating from there.#''some transformations are permanent'' sir it's been like 48 hours since y'all learned you lives were a lie.#you *really* don't think Megs could ever cool down and apologize/change his mind?? you too??? tf???
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ahem. Aspecs are FUCKING VALID. and they're RIGHT, goddammit.
About what specifically are they right, you may ask?
Listen. Asexuals will side-eye you whenever you describe sexual attraction, and I presume the same happens for aromantics and romantic attraction.
While I can't personally speak on romantic attraction as I've never been fully aromantic, I can definitely say this with confidence.
Sexual attraction is fucking WEIRD, y'all.
You look at someone, or spend time with them, and suddenly you want to bed them? Look, it's a "normal" experience and it's definitely valid but I refuse to pretend that's not fucking bonkers yonkers.
Do any of y'all know what it's like to spend nearly two decades completely unbothered by all the bullshit that comes with having crushes, and then suddenly your entire world comes crashing down and OH GOD OH FUCK EVERYBODY IS HOT SO THIS IS WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT.
Do you?????
Demisexuals and other forms of gray-asexuals may know a similar experience, and it... like. How do I even describe it.
Going from 0% sexual attraction to 100% sexual attraction TO EVERY GENDER over the course of A FEW DAYS was... an experience, to say the least.
Anyways. Respect aspecs (and that includes the asexual spectrum, the aromantic spectrum, the aplatonic spectrum, and loveless folks) or die by my fucking sword.
I don't actually have a sword. Can someone get me a sword?
#byrd chirps#byrd is an exmo#FOR THE RECORD. AROMANTICS ARE PROBABLY RIGHT ABOUT ROMANTIC ATTRACTION BEING WEIRD TOO#IDK IF APLATONIC PEOPLE FIND PLATONIC ATTRACTION WEIRD TOO BUT IF THEY DO THEY'RE PROBABLY RIGHT TOO#LIFE IS SO FUCKING STRANGE AND BIZARRE. THIS SHIT IS DOWNRIGHT FREAKY.#ALSO FOR THE RECORD: DO NOT USE ME AS PROOF THAT ASEXUALS ARE BROKEN OR REPRESSED OR CAPABLE OF BEING ''FIXED''#IF YOU DO THAT KNOW THAT I WILL SEND MY SLIGHTLY ELDRITCH BEST FRIEND TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND DO UNSPEAKABLE THINGS TO YOU#SOMETIMES ASEXUALS MIGHT BE REPRESSED BUT THAT'S NONE OF YOUR GOTDAM BUSINESS#AND THEY ARE STILL MORE THAN WELCOME TO IDENTIFY WITH THE ASEXUAL LABEL FOR AS LONG OR AS SHORT OF A TIME AS IT FITS THEM#SAME GOES FOR AROMANTICS AND APLATONICS AND LOVELESS FOLKS#YOU START TALKING ABOUT ''FIXING'' THESE PEOPLE AND I'LL BE FIXING TO FUCK YOU UP#asexual#asexuality#aroace#acearo#aro#acespec#acesexual#aromantic#aspec#aromantic asexual#arospec#aplatonic#loveless aro#aplspec#apl#aspec pride#aroacespec#ASPEC PEOPLE I LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU FOREVER
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Hey pookie
*does a backflip*
heyy fruitss <333 I love you pookie !!! /p
*does a frontflip*
#geo ask#OMGGG IM USING THIS TO RANT#but like guys.#I listened to conan gray's new song yesterday and omg.#im fucked up#also ive had ths strange weird craving for fried chicken..?#specifically popeyes spicy chicken sandwich#with a medium fry 2 biscuits and a sprite#I've also been drawing more but i FUCKING HATE ITTT#I CANT DRAW ANYMOREEEE#I'm posting dreamzz oc stuff later today or tmrw#idk i havent decided..#im planning on watching sk8 and blue lock after i finish dreamzzz#i have a soft spot for sports anime...#sports anime they can ever make me hate you#im also thinking of changing my blog theme#idk im gonna make keep it ninjago themed or maybe focus it around dreamzzz more???#dont know yet#this was s random wtf#chat am i weird...#sigh
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Still remember how people on mixels discord server mentioned how either major nixel or king nixel would be the sexy man or something. I also thought that maybe flain would be one too considering the fact that I think he's often the most shipped character with OCs or something and how I used to have a crush on him as a child.
#chewys notes#mixels#idk what im saying#But fr#when i was in elementary#i used to participate in this chocolate funding and made some money out of it#when we were taken to the book fair i immediately had my eyes locked on the mixels activity book because holy shit#Didn't help the fact that flain was on the cover art so i HAD to get it for him#in other words#little me simp for him this badly to the pint where i literally took out the money from the chocolate funding pounch#and use it to pay for the book JUST for flain😭#At least i got that cool ass nixels Lego#though i lost it#Off topic but i did felt a bit strange when i suddenly got the attention of my classmates when i got the book#they didn't know what mixels were so their attention were caught onto my book and ask me if they can see it#fuck now im starting to recall how i literally got on the computer and went on the mixels website just to see flain in 3rd grade#That is until this one boy noticed me playing on the website and immediately start to butt in#At that point i was basically kicked out of my own computer time since the group of kids got onto the computer to play on the website#god damn
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i understand WHY it bothers some people but clamp making wildly fanon interpretations of jotakak in the 80s that they proceeded to channel and distill in a long line of wine to wine to wine until they created a whole army of jotakaks, some together, some separate, some similar, and some vastly different, split across the multiverse, most of them gay, to varying levels of subtlety is so fucking camp you guyssss im not the type to be bothered by the concept of ooc fan interpretation anyways and also even if you were its so fucking funny. gay person lineage. brainworms so intense you create a sub archetype and you can ancestry dot com that shit. yaoi pedigree
and god dammit it fucking worked cause they made one i literally enjoy WAY way way more than actual jotaro 😭😭 and jotaro is an icon
shizuka is truly the ethically bred artisan distilled fine wine of yaoi boys the formula worked a little too good they alchemically forged peak. fruity notes the likes of which the world has never seen
#aalso i like kohaku theyre very cool#i love using the excuse that clamp have created nb yaoi before to back up my nb yaoi douwata hc even tho its unrelated#anyway#and also jouta kujo is an icon#fun fact i generally (depending on the day) use rule of jotaro to gauge clamp jotaro heights#by this method rou watanuki is like 183? 184?cm iirc which is super fucking funny to me#i like the idea of a guy w a height complex that is totally unwarranted and makes no sense#and that that complex only exists cause he lives in a strange alternate universe tokyo where they put gay elongation juice in the water#and he happens to know a taller guy#idk where i was going w this lol#its just a thought i have every so often#one day im going to crack the code as to how to make doumeki popular...one day
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as a huge spyro year of the dragon fan i Hate the reignited trilogy they took all the charm and nostalgia out of it BUT ... spyro's walking/running animation ? they perfected that.
#qktalks#world's most satisfying animation i could watch him hop around like that for hours. he's so ........ noodle-like#but they also took away his slow wing-flap animation from the original#like the one that's used when he's just standing there. he flaps his wings out very slowly in a constant rhythm#they took that away too. garbage game 0/10 /silly#they also made hunter .......so fucking ugly ?? whyd they do that to him . he didn't deserve this#for people unfamiliar with spyro look up spyro 3 original hunter vs reignited hunter you'll wanna vomit#idk i feel like reignited just didn't need to be made ?#a port of the original woulda been fucking BOMB. im of the opinion that old games don't Need to be remade#they just need to be ported/remastered or Whatever. and maybe tinkered with a Little if some aspect of the game was horrid for any reason#but also im of the opinion that u CAN do a good remake. if ur careful.#i don't think spyro needed all those graphic upgrades or that cartoonish realism#yeah the environments r pretty and they did a fine job w that i don't have an issue with the environments i have an issue w the characters#overall i think ?? bianca was done pretty well. she looks similar enough in face-shape to 3's original design#can't rly pinpoint anything in particular that's strange abt her. maybe her eyes? but idk what they coulda done differently#the sorceress is fine ... i kinda wish they made her head a little wider and kept the gradual change in scale color intact but#she's okay too#the fairies look bad<33333#spyro himself .... he looks okay ?#there's something Different about his face shape i kinda wish they'd kept everything a bit .... smaller? idk how to describe it#but it doesn't bother me that much i think they did a good job. lord knows they did better than skylanders .............#i also have an issue with the animations in general#idk how to explain it but the Way the characters move ............. it irks me#it's just so unnatural ? how they move and gesture when they talk? it's not Bad Animation it looks rly good graphically speaking#but idk. this isn't a spyro thing in particular it's just that animation style that i dislike#playing reignited just makes me sad. playing the original comforts me. playing reignited makes me sad that im not playing the original#u can remake an old game made of approximately 18 polygons and make it look good AND make it look like the original#u just have to be careful about the geometry and the level of detail and the eye shapes
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the goddamn toast water post just made me utter "history is fucking real" in the most solemn and serious tone of voice, out loud, to myself, in the goddamn bathtub
#life is ridiculous and I'm its biggest clown#in my defense it's not even 9 am and I woke up at 6 for some reason (the reason prob being that I start work at 6 atm)#so I chose (violence) reading Stray Gods fic in bed for a few hours followed by the need to just vibe in the bathtub#I've only just had my coffee and a slice of cold pizza leftover from yesterday and it's such a uni-days thing to do#I've kinda missed it. tho I wasn't drinking coffee back then (how the fuck did I survive mornings without it??)#anyway. feeling very soft and tender abt my past self today. I miss her even if she was just as much of a mess. in different ways#the kind of mess who would openly flirt with some strange dude she didn't really know over the phone#the kind of mess who moved across the country just for a chance at trying with sb she liked who really never wanted to date her#the kind of mess who's always fallen for her best friends and who'll likely never stop#the kind of mess who feel so damn hard for a woman 15 yrs older than her just bc she was kind and sweet and a mess herself#the kind of mess who moved in with a friend she was solidly in love with for a bit who had her boyfriend over most nights#just.. it's not all about those feelings but they're decidedly a big part of why I've ever done anything#and I will prob always miss the friend who'd lie on the train platform with me just giggling into the night as ppl walked past#her head on my stomach and me just feeling so high it felt like I'd never stop floating (just for a while though)#I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that Mi miss just letting my feelings take me places even at the risk of losing it all#I'm so much more hesitant and guarded now. and sure part of it is being medicated for my bipolar. it's good that I don't call strangers#and almost invited them over. or that I no longer walk barefoot through the city at night by myself (usually)#but I do miss just idk. intimacy I guess. and how easily it used to come to me to just try and be open abt wanting it I guess#oh well. best be getting out of the bathtub. it's not a good place to be with these thoughts. and it's too early for this anyway#a day in the life of..
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you know whats more annoying than dems calling vance and trump weird is all the condescending posts justifying it actually. like im a bit annoyed about "weird" being used this way but also like man if it fucking works i guess
but do i have to keep seeing daily posts exhaustively justifying how normie midwesterners use weird different or whatever the fuck man just shut up and call them weird then, stop justifying it to me
#toy txt post#i see the value in pointing out to somehow apolitical ppl that these guys are weird in the sense of being invasive controlling racist#creeps with unhinged fucking priorities. i also see the harm in conflating it with 'weird'. i see the value in using it against them#especially since it seems to be? sticking? and i hope most ppl are capable of recognizing that the dems are not using it to mean harmlessl#harmlessly strange or queer or whatever but to mean a fucking creepy asshole with bad motives and priorities#even if the right tries so so so so hard to conflate that meaning with queerness#i also dread the idea that they might start fucking trying to reclaim weird but i dont know if they will. i dont know if theyll redefine it#to work for them. if they can overcome the way they associate it with queerness and neurodivergence. but i do kinda dread a future where#they try to reclaim it like they did with the 'deplorables' shit. regardless of that: the most annoying in all this is everyone writing#fucking thinkpieces about it actually. and the condescending tone of NO YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THIS#THATS annoying. also:#the dems are going to have to pivot from this at some point anyway. its going to get Stale if nothing else.#i also think calling it cyberbullying is just. not even accurate anyway?#idk. but ik so done reading everyones Takes on it like goddddddd#i also have mixed feelings about the couchfucker misinfo but not as much#mostly like. in terms of misinfo it really doesnt feel worse than the ted cruz zodiac killer thing#except maybe more believable? but also lower stakes lmao#idk. just. sure man#fucking keep fash out of power#fix shit#make it better#the justification makes it worse almost. like cos it means you know my fucking issue with it. just shut the fuck up and call them weird and#ill grit my teeth and assume youre living a sheltered normie life and dont know the joys of weird and thats why youre using it like that#whatever man
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I'm so tired of feeling so alone
#its not even that i dont have friends#i have a good amount that im happy with#and hell i literally have two partners that i love more than anything#but theres nobody that lives near me#and idk how to find people#it hurts so god damn bad#i hate feeling such an intense and burning envy when i see my friends hanging out or having good times with people irl#its not fair to myself or to them and im not insane enough to resent them for it#but god damn i wish i had that#every fucking day i wish i could wake up next to my partners and hug my best friends#its not fair#i also wish the friends i did have would start things between us more#it feels like im always the one trying to schedule things or starting convos or inviting them to do something#and then they let things fall thru or dont try to start plans or convos with me and i often feel very#passed over? ignored? uncared for?#i dont know. its such a strange feeling and it makes me feel selfish
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guys.......... is suns actually an asshole (read the tags for a trip lmao)
#seeing a lot of “suns is actually kinda an asshole” takes and/.... you might be right#i think he was probably just misguided#i wish we knew more on WHY pebbles looked up to him so strongly that he trusted him with his death#wish we knew why suns was willing to tell pebbles how to kms but then later was like “i shouldve known he was too immature” like...#how did you know that. why.how did they meet. what is their thing#i love how much there is to infer in rw but i hate how much there is to infer in rw#why did SUNS know how to kys??????#did someone else tell him or did he figure it out himself??? did he seek it out FOR pebbles or was he already privy to it?#and if he DID seek it out for pebbles then why couldnt pebbs do it himself/????#what the fuck is happening with these guys lmao?????#suns is so strange. it feels like the narrative wants us to think suns is kind because of his relationship with spears but he#he just. if you look into anything for more than 5 seconds he doesnt read kind it kinda reads like hes meddling#i mean from what we know iterators tend to be meddlers right??? grey wind and innocence are meddlers for sure#idk. suns. why are you so#suns mor elike sus
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dont cry
#puyo puyo#puyo red amitie#puyo strange klug#i did a doodle!!!!#its aya and red ami from “20th alts as there own ppl; curtesy klug's accidental screw up” ....au?#affectionately “other colors” in my head <3#anyway strange is the support and link to them. they're also the oldest so...big older 'i raised you' sibling vibes#anyway enough of that; look at the hand!!! i drew that!!!! wow!!#look at strange's sweater!!!#dont look at#dont look at red's tho..hunched shoulders got me fucked up geez..#also i dont know what i did but when you flip it only red still looks good? strange is still kinda fat head even tho i squished and expande#a bunch#and whenever i use refs it like#it looks...meaty? like im not even tracing it it just looks fuller#and i try and sand it then it looks way to skinny#idk its late and i've been up with no break since this morning#oooh shit its 1am i gotta sleep#excuse my ramblin o7
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It's incredibly tough because we no longer have social media that's suitable for fandom interactions the way livejournal was. Individual journals + interest communities which could be easily locked/unlocked as you wanted. People had to search out what they wanted etc. Twitter and tumblr just can't do it (and let's not even mention tiktok)
ITS KIND OF SAD......... i was never really on livejournal when i was younger bc i was like 10 and did not know what the internet was capable of offering but even just being on deviantart in the early 2010s gave me a strong sense of community and support...... just a bunch of hobbyists doing their own little things and joining those groups deviantart had was alot of fun for lil kid me!
the best substitute we've got for livejournal these days is like. discord. but thats so annoying especially when theyre specifically locking content behind a discord invite since many of us may not even know if we vibe there!! and its intimidating to be thrown into a group chat with people who already have established bonds ONTOP of not even knowing if youll get along😭
while i think tumblr is relatively good for fandom posting and such i definitely wouldnt call it the best place to make friends with similar interests...... since its hard to really like. have actual conversations with people on here since the ask feature is pretty one-sided, tags arent meant to be responded to a majority of the time, the comments feature barely gets used and the dms system is wonky as hell. and twitter is just a cesspool of reactionary people who dont think before they tweet and are just waiting to make their next callout post, but god is it a good place to hold a conversation and bond with people................ you just cant win these days huh
#proud of myself for not being a tiktok user also#ask#anyone else think todays internet is strangely lonely#like obv i have internet friends that i hang out with frequently and love#but it just feels like it used to be so much easier to make friends ??? but maybe im just getting old and out of touch ????#idk!!!! its so hard finding people to relate to these days for me!!!!!#because it doesnt feel like people care as much for just sharing their love for things anymore.......#either because people are so fixated on the negatives or theyre just drawing whats popular#and not drawing what they wanna draw#which is a bit sad but i get it. capitalism fucking sucks and u gotta do what u gotta do to get by but man. it just sucks#again though. i could just be getting old#BUT ANYWAY. THATS ENOUGH LETTING PEOPLE KNOW IM A REAL HUMAN WITH REAL FEELINGS FOR THE DAY#LOVE OVERSHARING ON THE INTERNET#IM DRAWING HALF-NAKED GIRLS RN THERES NO TIME TO GET EXISTENTIAL#I FEEL DIZZY
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.
#so for the last like. as long as i can remember. ive had a shit sleep schedule#mostly like sleep all day and stay up all night kinda shit#but i got sick/burnt out recently and slept for almost two days straight#and somehow it reset my sleep schedule to something normal#like i went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 5am for the last few days#and i havent had to nap#and the not needing to nap is really fucking with me#like im used to waking up. feeding my dog. and then napping until i go to work#i should be napping rn. but im not tired#i dont have to get ready for work for another four hours and ive already been awake for three hours#i went to the coffee shop and to walgreens. im in real clothes instead of pajamas. i did a load of laundry#im laying in bed (its so hot i might be dying) and i just. dont know what to do with my time#im probably gonna do some cleaning and packing because im moving in two months#idk im just feeling some strange type of way because for the last few days ive been. alive#instead of sleeping my life away#its so strange. i got sick. slept for a few days. and now my biggest problem is just fixed? and i can have a life now?#its 70 degrees today and the world is my oyster. what should i do?#i have a list of chores im gonna do. i might walk to the coinstar machine so ill have money#yeah i want to do that cuz im in the negatives in my bank account but i want to get a cool drink before work today#my dad texted me this morning 'noticed your bank account is overdrawn for the second time this week. whats going on kid?'#which is such a sad text to get because i know im broke. thanks dad. lets pls ignore my financial hardships#if you want to make my dad less sad hmu for my venmo /hj#anyways ill probs do that today. get some cash so i can get a frozen lemonade from wawa or something#yknow that post thats like 'seasonal depression seems fake until its 50 degrees in march and it feels like you took a party drug'#i think thats partially whats happening here. its 70 degrees and sunny and my systems dont know what to do with that#i hope youre all having a great day that you dont sleep through. i love you!!
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Hello! Are you still taking goth-lit art requests? Because I adore your style, waaaa ;;.
^ This is my Utterson.
^ And this is my Hyde.
Sorry for the bad image quality, and no pressure intended to draw them if you don't want to! I simply hold out my men to you - you may take both, one or neither if you wish. They'll sit happily in my hands regardless, since they get along surprisingly well in my Jekyll and Hyde rewrite.
Have a lovely day :D
god i think i rlly love this hyde design cuz like DUDE HE LOOKS SO MYSTERIOUS WHAT
but also das alright but hey u have contributed to beating the shit out of my artblock hehe /pos
#asks#art requests#the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde#dr jekyll and mr hyde#jekyll and hyde#edward hyde#gothic literature#i may or may not have used the incorrect black colors but i tried#also rlly likin how i did the smoke effects#also i didnt know that my own custom brush can like idk#react differently when i resize it???#im basically using my sketch brushes only for this HFJDKGHDF#tag edit: FUCK I FORGOT HIS FACE DETAIL UHM#SO GUYS ANYWAYS
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I often times find myself wondering when interacting with people "am I doing this right?'"
It used to be even more often, I probably was really anxious about it back then. Now... not so much? I still find myself worrying a bit. And especially trying to find the correct "answer" or action to say or do. But. It's not really by any fault of my own. It's just what's expected of me in social situations doesn't always come naturally. So I'm awkward. But idk. While I'll always probably try to find the right answer for things, I'm a bit less worried than I used to be. And I suppose that's something good in a way.
#normal#oh. i dont have to be like this. i can do something different#who the fuck am i really.#diary#personal#i honeslty didnt even think this would turn out to be positive. like. i thought its be a bit more down.#but idk. despite knowing im probably doing a lot of things wrong. im still a bit happier this way.#its been a long while since ive just done things that are more true to myself and now worried about the consequences. so its kinda nice#idk. obviously in places like work i mask much more. but at a coffee shop. or talking with friends. or even alone in my bedroom -#i do it much less. i used to be so self-conscious. i wouldn't even dance alone in my room. its strange to think thats -#just how much pressure society exibits. its impressive really. id try not to do things incase it wasnt#i think in a way the internet really saved me from a lot of that. yeah it probably exasperated some of my problems but it also helps too?#i can find communities and learn about things i love even if i dont participate.#i suppose its nice just knowing#and thats opened up a lot of avenues for me. like. knowing i dont need to be in a relationship. that i can collect stuffed toys.#that i can be obsessed with something stupid. just. a lot of small things like that? it sorta takes off that huge pressure to conform.#idk. i used to be so fixated on conforming and participating. and my mom quite litterally taught me to.#she always used to tell me about how when she had to move around she had to make consessions like that.#or how she didnt like it either just talking with the girls or whatever. so i sorta just thought of it all as normal.#so i just tried more and more and more to press myself into a mold without ever really caring what i liked. or thought#like. i knew what i wanted. but that wasnt right. so i id just. cut off bits n peices of myself.#i remember being oh so frustrated thinking and its so odd to think of now.#because now i just am. and even when im sad im happy. its peaceful really.#really though. being able to label things. and figure out stuff about myself and psychology and everything was amazing#im really glad ive both changed so much - yet really not at all at the same time#i still like the same things i did when i was 6. im still exactly the same at my core tbh.#but im much different from who i was in my teens. to me it really feels like just accepting who i always was.#and like. letting myself be who i was and am. i am me and thats sorta that?#idk. im just philosophizing myself yet again. but i also really enoys doing that XD
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