#like im used to waking up. feeding my dog. and then napping until i go to work

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

.

[dontshootmespence]

Through It All

Part 35

Summary: Now married, Spencer & Y/N navigate the D/s lifestyle. How will their relationship change?

Words: 1,501

Warnings: Implication of smut at the end.

A/N: The last chapter of these two! I really hope you’ve enjoyed as much as I have.

After stepping out of the shower, you wrap a towel around yourself and scamper across the hallway. Spencer’s feeding the babies and preparing Charlotte’s breakfast before your day out.

On the bed lay your red cotton panties and wireless bra. With all the running around you’re going to be doing today, he wants you to be comfortable. You bite your lip and slip them on before stepping into the slightly ripped, black jeans he picked out. Completing the ensemble is an old t-shirt of his, a Metallica shirt that he’s had since he was in his 20s and he refuses to get rid of. He loves seeing you in his clothes.

Once your outfit is complete, you go back to the bathroom to dry your hair and put it up in a messy bun the way he instructed. “How are my babies doing this morning?” You ask, heading outside. Charlie is eating some cereal and milk and getting most of it on her pajamas. Thankfully, Spencer thinks two steps ahead and hasn’t gotten her dressed yet, knowing she’d get messy.

“Good, mommy,” Charlie says, wiping milk away with a napkin to her right. She’s starting to say an L sound rather than a W. She’s been practicing. “Morgan and Bllll-akey are messy.”

Pot meet kettle.

As soon as Charlie is finished eating, she drags you inside to help her pick out an outfit while Spencer changes diapers and picks out some outfits for the babies. It’s going to be an exhausting but fun-filled day. In addition to Ai and Kyle joining you later in the day, you’re getting together with the entire BAU for a picnic.

---

On the way to the park, Charlie practically bounces in anticipation in her car seat. Morgan and Blake are content at the same time, which is a miracle and a blessing all in one. “Guess, who’s here Charlie?”

“Auntie Em and JJ and Penny and Tara!”

“Who else?” Spencer asks, glancing toward the wooden tables. Everyone’s brought food, save for you and Spencer. They all told you to take it easy. “Who else do you see?”

“Unc-le David and Matt and Luke and Aaron! And my cousins!”

“Everyone’s here!” He says, slapping his hands to the sides of his face like Edvard Munch’s ‘The Scream.’

As soon as you park the car, Spencer gets out to undo Charlotte’s seatbelt. She darts toward her seemingly never-ending group of aunts and uncles and cousins. She’s got all the love in the world. Grabbing Morgan and Blake in their carriers, you walk toward the rest of the group, embracing all in tired hugs. You jokingly fall asleep on Penelope’s shoulder. “How are all my little angels?” She says, grazing her finger against Blake’s cheek. “You tiring mommy and daddy out?”

“God, yes,” Spencer laughs, pulling her in for a hug before looking toward her right where Luke stood. “You’re treating her right, right?”

“Always,” he says, kissing Penelope’s temple.

Everyone starts to mingle and the twins get passed around from aunt to uncle and uncle to aunt. Even Jack, who Spencer just realizes in horror is now a teenager, takes a turn holding the babies. “You’re a teenager!” He says.

“Yea, Uncle Spencer. Time flies, huh?”

“You were this big two seconds ago!” He screams, sending everyone around you into a fit of laughter.

Aaron steps out from behind you with cold beers in hand for you. “Think of how I feel. I’m ancient.”

“You?” Rossi laughs. “I’m Methuselah! You’re all fetuses.”

Charlotte runs around with Matt’s brood of babies and Michael on the playground, while Henry and Jack hang around with the adults. Occasionally, the younger kids pull them in to play, and none of the adults are safe either. At one time or another everyone, Emily, JJ, Will, Penelope, Luke, Tara, Matt, Kristy, Aaron, David, Krystal, you name it, the kids insist they play.

Although it doesn’t seem like anyone is having an awful time. David in his glory as the doting grandpa, wrangling all the kids and chasing them around with the rest of the team while you, Spencer, Matt, Kristy, JJ and Will just relax at the park benches. “So how are you guys doing?” Will drawls, a knowing smile upon his face. “How’re three babies treating you?”

“So tired,” you say, sprawling out over Spencer’s lap. He playfully grabs your butt and you wiggle. “Happy, but sleepy.” You point toward Matt and Kristy in awe. “How do you do it? Five babies.”

“You just do it. What? You and Spencer aren’t going for your own soccer team too?”

Spencer shakes his head. “I don’t know if we can handle it. Three is downright exhausting.”

“Never say never,” you laugh.

“Oh, really?” His eyes light up. You love seeing that light, knowing you and your family together put it there. “Maybe one more. We’ll see.”

“Play it by ear,” you reply. “Definitely not for a little while though. What about you Matt? JJ? Are we planning on adding any more to the BAU bundle?”

JJ holds her finger to lip before pointing toward her stomach.

“No!” Spencer whispers. “Really?”

“Really. Last one though. Three is enough.”

After all Spencer and the team had been through together, it was wonderful to see them so relaxed, getting the life they deserved. While the team plays with the kids, you set up all the food they brought. It all looks delicious. Cakes, cookies, chips, side salads, burgers and hot dogs, which you’ll cook on the portable grill Rossi brought with him.

“Hey, Rossi!” Spencer calls. “You’ve got a lot of grilling to do. Come on over.”

As Rossi runs over, Air and Kyle pull up and get out of the car, surveilling all the people on the playground. “Are these all you two?” Kyle laughs, shaking Spencer’s hand.

“Yea, let me introduce you.” One by one, Spencer introduces his former teammates, their spouses, their kids. “This is my work family. The ones holding Blake and Morgan are Emily Prentiss and Tara Lewis. Everyone these are the twins’ birth parents, Ai and Kyle.”

Of course, they’re welcomed with open arms and all the aunts and uncles assure Ai and Kyle that they’re so loved here. “We can tell,” Ai says softly. “It was hard giving them up. But we wouldn’t have chosen any differently. We love being able to see them.”

Emily and Tara passed the babies along to Ai and Kyle. “You two are getting so big!”

Before you know it, day turns to night, street lights illuminating the playground where all the kids are finally starting to lose some steam. Ai and Kyle give the babies some kisses before heading off to eat, take a nap and then study all night long. “Thank you,” Ai says. “We’ll never be able to thank you enough.”

You press your hand to the side of her cheek, Blake sitting comfortably on your hip. “You don’t have to thank us.”

Once they’re off, the rest of the BAU leaves one by one, hugs and kisses all around until it’s only you, Spencer, Luke and Penelope left. “You two need any help getting home?” Luke asks.

Spencer shakes his head, eyes closed and practically asleep on two feet. “Us? No way. We’re experts now.”

“Stop growing, okay?” Penelope calls back as they walk toward their car. “You’re all getting too big.”

“Think of how I feel!” You laugh. Looking down to where the babies lay in their carriers, to where Charlotte ambles alongside her father, clutching on to her daddy’s pant leg, you smile to yourself. Almost immediately after Spencer puts Charlotte in her car seat, she falls asleep, the babies having passed out long before. “You have a fun day?”

Nodding, Spencer leans toward you, pressing a soft kiss to your lips. “Yea, I did. I’m tired. But there’s no one else I’d rather be tired with.”

“Same,” you whisper. “Wanna get the babies in bed and cuddle on the couch?”

“Sounds heavenly.”

---

At home, Morgan and Blake do little but squirm as you change their diapers and slip them into their pajamas. You sing a sweet melody as they stir before passing out again. As you approach Charlotte’s room, you hear Spencer reading to her. Even though she’s barely awake, she insists on being read to every night. “Goodnight, my little flower,” he whispers, pushing himself carefully up from the bed, ensuring he doesn’t wake her.

“Sweet dreams, Charlie.”

Leaning into Spencer, you both shuffle toward the couch and collapse into a heap of exhausted laughter. He pulls you to his side and starts to run his fingers through your hair. “How are you doing?” He asks, pressing his lips to your forehead. “Comfortable?”

“In our dynamic? Yea, absolutely. I think we’ve found a good balance.” Through babies, marriage, everything. “I love you so much.”

Spencer whispers, lazily tugging you onto his lap and smiling against your neck. “I love you more. No matter what, okay?”

“No matter what.”

@heycasbutt @ultrarebelheart @katherineisagubler @proud-slytherin-ghost @randomwriter23 @fandom-queen67 @sixx-sic-sixx @xqueenofthecraziesx @aofay02 @groovyreid @criesinreid @jdougl-love @xreider @cringeemospntrashassbutt @prettyboyeffect @prettyboyreid @themanip @spencerreidsthings @augustgraceful @whollytaciturn @prisonreid @factualfic @jasmine-negron @snitchthewitch @ellabobella051419 @crazyforsstuff @kaatelyyynn​ @jane-dough @dreatine @bitter-post-millennial @adlerorzel-blog @hallieedrew @psychedelephantt @krisymccall996 @4ueijos @mclaujac @ray-likes-starwars @nurseemilyblog @slightlyvicked @she4567 @guesswhosback129 @princessdolan @happycreatorfangirl @fallwhisper @nyemadowell @sammy-jo1977 @sin-bin-and-tragedies @imsuperawkward @ahhahahaheehee @crispygiantsaladgarden @reputay-swift @pizzarollsfordayz @andiebeaword @timey-wimey-lovi @garbagecanfics @friedparadisetale @dereksbetaa @idontevenknow2 @holyfishloverfarm @nohemi2500 @typeshitbih @sadgirlhan @kmc217 @bigbuttsowhatuniverse @charmedfandomgal @im--blushing @dangerouspersonllamabagel @fichoe21 @yes-sir-hotchner @thefandomallrounder @mrsenos08 @walkerchick007 @letsdisneythings @winchesterqueenie @specialagentleigh @spn-wheresthepie @haileymew @bitchyoulied @geniusgub @urdicksmol @6lack6erry @slutlanna976 @downondilaudid​ @baileysb1tch @la-vie-en-amour1​ @letsdoit-tomorrow @eideticprettyboydrreid​ @lazynoodledragon​ @shybaby231 @aimzonicles97​ @grace-superpowers​ @softestlavender​ @ssa-dr-ladylock​ @drprettyboy​ @patricks-fabulous-face​ @tearosaria​ @shxdowofdarkness​ @marvels-gurl​ @gublergirls​

[patchdotexe]

explorers of arvus: heading back / 3.11.21

zoom and enhonse

LAST TIME ON ARVUS taure passed out and we are now down a healer! also we met a disciple of halvkar, and surprisingly did not murder her. this is fine. we have instantly gotten distracted by our various carts. cats. our various cats

DID ANY OF US CATCH TAURE, SHE FELL OVER sieron tried to catch her and smacked charlie+thorne in the face (he rolled a nat1, f) BUT the catboy is to the rescue bc silje is the designated Not Incompetent of the group today

CONSULT THE CHILD hewwo yrel yrel: her mind is being consumed by the serpent of nightmares. :D charlie: HELLO?????//

so, dendar(?) the night serpent is imprisoned beneath arvus! she was formed from the nightmares of the first sentient being, and sometimes she eats people's nightmares. if she's exceptionally hungry, she'll force nightmares onto people for her to feed off their fear. yrel thinks taure will Probably wake up. there's a thing on arvus mentioned by the locals called a "sleeping sickness" where people will fall asleep for a few days, sometimes longer, but will wake up. its magical in cause, the people afflicted by it have horrific nightmares, and its just kinda. a thing. wowza

(i have gone back to spelling yrel's name as yrel bc i think it looks nice)

OH HEY SOMEONE POSTED A THEORY ON ONE OF MY STICKMOLUS ANIMATIONS man i should get back to stickmolus sometime. once dsmp releases its awful grip on me.

i keep getting distracted by seeing myself in the camera preview. i have a tooth gap! what the fuck its cute?? K I KNOW WE'RE SUPER BLURRY IN FRONT RN BUT PLEASE HELP ME STAY FOCUSED I SWEAR -leo

we're gonna build a sled! to put taure on. thorne: i have a good strength score. ....i say, out loud charlie: i am four feet tall. [cue argument between thorne & sieron about them both being horcs but sieron has a +0 bc strength is his dump stat] OH, OKAY, THORNE ROLLED A NAT20 TO CARRY TAURE. NICE

[discussion about what to tell everyone at camp vengenace] thorne: the last thing we need to do is a witch hunt charlie: --and we already hunted the witch! the witch has been hunted.

time to discuss strategy! we need to figure out how to head back to camp vengeance, eg if we want to follow the path we already took or if we wanna do some trailblazing. looks like we're gonna try and take the most direct path! which means we'll prolly risk tangoing with some undead but im willing to risk it TINY HUT STAIRCASE sorry i just remember it now and then

nyx: [meowing at his cats] thorne: uh... why is silje meowing? jorb: silje's food bowl is empty jorb: you look at silje's food bowl and there's a divot in the middle and the food is all on the sides emotionally, we must bully the catboy silje saw something interesting and started meowing

thorne: ill take first watch silje: ill also take first watch. charlie: [quietly] gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy (but, like, extended for 15 seconds)

silje: [takes watch] [rolls a nat1 and gets distracted by looking at his crush]

THORNE HAS LOCATED A DOG the dog does not give a shit about the tiny hut. THE DOG HAS PEED ON THE TINY HUT goodbye dog

EVERYONE IS ROLLING AT LEAST 1 NAT1 thorne: wow! that sure is a dog. thorne has drawn the worst possible dog. thorne has erased the worst possible dog. we dont speak of the worst possible dog its the dog version of honse. DONSE

sieron is now on watch! MAN we are havin trouble rolling today. at least kali's here to make sure sieron doesnt stare at a rock for 50000 years sieron sees a mouse! bottom text

charlie is now on watch! kali is havin a big ol thonk. nothing meaningful has come of this

i am perceiving some deer. sieron is not perceiving some deer. silje is perceiving some deer, but better the deer are fucked up and undead! silje has gone from "we should hunt these deer for food" to "we should hunt these deer for sport"

charlie: i do not feel like being jumped by five thousand skeletons

charlie takes first watch with sieron! WHY ARE OUR ROLLS SO TERRIBLE taure is super cursed right now. that's not very pog charlie: this place sucks. thorne: to be fair, we havent-- charlie: YOU'RE ASLEEP, SHUT UP

oh hey coolname galvanic finally partied. nice.

thorne is at watch! solar: hey, is leomund's tiny hut an orb? there's a critter digging around! AH, THE CRITTER IS UNDEAD. this could be a problem

solar: hey michael, how much does the horrific sin against god dog i drew look like this creature michael: [dice roll noises] about 50%.

michael: if anyone likes, they can make a nature check-- solar: ME MEMEMEMEME ME ME ME

its a bulette! aka a land shark. problem: they are not normally undead. this one is undead.

jorb: imagine if you could tame one of those and use it as a mount. leo: IT WOULD JUST DIG UNDERGROUND AND LEAVE YOU THERE

we are just calling it a weird dog

we're going to mail a letter to the heart of arvus. HEY, CHECK OUT THIS WEIRD DOG,

JORB FOUND ART OF A BABY BULETTE. WEIRD PUPPY!

solar: hey guys, check out this sick art of a bulette i found

silje kept a lookout for the weird dog but its just fucked off. goodbye, weird dog give it up for day 3!

man there's been like, three incinerations today in blaseball. what's up with that. I SWEAR IM MOSTLY PAYING ATTENTION its just been an eventful day in blaseball. also im wearing my garages bomber rn. jaylen is home wooOOOO the wind smells stinky. this is fine.

we're actively avoiding whatever combat michael keeps nudging at us bc we're carrying around an unconscious person and i SWEAR hes gonna throw something directly at us once he's done with our shenanigans

UHH MICHAEL ASKING FOR PASSIVE PERCEPTION LOL

huh. this place used to be inhabited? we're in the woods rn but there's some like, stone ruins? like, VERY ruins. like, not really any structures standing, but enough evidence to show there Were things. WE FOUND A STATUE charlie: i want to smash my face against the lore.

used to be a circle of standing stones, but most of em fell over or got overgrown. inside of the circle has been cleared, although v roughly-- ground's torn up statue is of fjolnir! warrior holding up a spear and shield. AH, THERE ARE CORPSES, a human got REAL fucked up here. one of the corpses is straight up impaled on fjolnir's spear. n ... not pog.

i am trying so, so hard to pay attention. but i also kinda wanna take a nap.

charlie: [stares at statue] [rolls a 4] i wonder if he had a dick.

okay so something rolled in, tore up the overgrowth inside the circle, and murdered a couple dudes. and was also super tall and human-adjacent. hrm.

oh my god why are we rolling so shit today. time to stealth away and hope we dont get casually dismembered

k: jorb's hair is so long... leo: K, PLEASE,

time for a break! i am very tired but im gonan see if i can push through a little further. nyx is petting his cat why do orangatangs look like that

first watch is thorne and sieron! have they even, like, talked thorne unhabby ): thorne's worried we were tresspassing when checking out the statue, meanwhile im thinking about that one time when sieron got bit by a groundhog

(oh my god this is from late 2018)

leomund's tiny hut, aka the anti-sea bear circle we are getting SO much mileage out of the tiny hut. SILJE HUMS A SONG WITH KALI cute........... FINALLY I HAVE ROLLED ABOVE A 14 wait no i rolled a 16 twice. anyway we are not dead

nearly at camp vengenace! boy howdy i hope camp vengeance didnt get burned down. AH FUCK TAURE IS UNCONSCIOUS SO WE CANT CAST FOR DETECT POISON kaepora nearly made us all shit ourselves but its okay he just saw some bison and thought it was cool Michael Is Consulting Several Tables

WHY DOES JORB'S CAMERA ZOOM LIKE THAT why am i hungry. i have so many questions

HEY, TALL GUY [smacks sieron]

camp vengeance looks better! like, nobody's Obviously Sick anymore, the medical tents arent overfilled, we did it! we saved the dayyyyyy time to report to ryder! taure's getting dropped off at the medical tent

man remember when charlie didnt wear pants

oh man, with taure unconscious charlie is now taking point with social interaction. wild. jk im making jorb do it bc im tired HAHA NAT 20 PERSUASION BC OF ME HELPIN SIERON man ryder is such a cock. he was totally ready to keep throwing troops at heaven's brazier to die until we managed to persuade him out of it. jorb: did we tell ryder about the vision? michael: you kinda just took a look at him and went STINKY BOY!

okay yeah anything that dies on arvus will just pop back up as undead. man, arvus sucks.

ryder: alright, dismissed. charlie: seeya, soldier boy! :D hahahahaha im gonna eat his knees.

SILJE NEEDS ENRICHMENT IN HIS ENCLOSURE

charlie: ive decided he sucks. silje: we've already arrived to that, you're late!

LMAO WE WALKED IN ON INGRID AND HER CRUSH they fuckin. nice. you go, you funky lesbian

jorb: we've got the tiny hut, we could go anywhere leo: we could go to SPACE! nyx: we could not go to space. leo: WITH A TINY HUT STAIRCASE, WE CAN,

we are 320 miles away from the spaceship that exists on arvus. nice.

michael: justin sees you-- roll a strength saving throw. leo: i cant wait to die! [rolls a 3] I AM CRUSHED BY MY DOG michael: he rolled a nat20.

BOSS ENCOUNTER: CHARLIE'S DOG (the small circle next to him is one of the medical tents.)

THORNE IS PACT OF THE GUN solar: PARRY THIS, YOU FUCKING CASUAL

sieron, to ingrid: seems like youve been doing well charlie: i punch sieron. sieron: sieron: the camp, of course.

man we have no idea if the heart of arvus is actually related to the prophecy or not. theres a Lot of stuff lining up, but not enough, and its hard to say how much of it couldve been literal?

solar & michael: [discussing exposition] me: [cracking up bc penn sent me a funny dsmp joke]

prophecies are weird.

charlie is just s she is just sitting here SILJE PLAYED CARDS REALLY GOOD AT ME nyx rolled a nat20 and took all my money

oh cool we can talk to yrel telepathically! time to hoist yrel. THIS IS SO SCUFFED thorne mentioned yrel and now we're trying to explain to ingrid that we have a magic talking snake charlie: I WANT TO GO HOME. thorne: we cant go, we have a GOD-KING to kill! "i think theyre insane, theyre talking to a snake" "ingrid, druids exist" "oh. im gonna go back to getting railed by my 7 foot tall girlfriend"

[swampgallows]

took a nap. 

dreamed for the first time in a while. met a lot ofpeople in my dreams. “catie the clown from nickeoldeon’s spongebob squarepants”, she introduced herself, very mom-like, heavyset and nice to hug. a middle aged man was tagging along w her that we brought along making clumsy passes but she was flirting too. something like “guess what word i want you to wear?” (????) and she said “umm Z!” and he goes “nah you know that letter” and she was laughing. (????) met a dude in a mohawk pushing an empty wheelchair who went into a derelict looking building, we were playing and laughing in the alley, he asked us a question we couldnt answer then kind of mumbled to himself, “at least they have hair. im meeting a lot of good people here.” we heard a crash and popped in to see if he was okay, the apartment of the lobby was really cramped, dark, and seedy, but the middle-aged man in there followed us out and then that’s where i met him and ��catie’. we left the building and turned around and saw two giraffes poking their heads out over the wall of what might have been the backyard? we smiled and waved at them, telling the mohawk guy (who i guess eventually came with us) to come over and look. he was shy but he finally did. there were other people at the wall who thought we were smiling and being silly toward them, then ducked their heads behind the wall. the giraffes kind of smiled at us, then stuck their black tongues out at the people who hid. we were all really nervous because apparently some kind of nuke had been launched or was talking of being launched, there was some sort of “nuclear notice” that had been pasted up everywhere. so we knew we were all going to die very soon but the friendliness i felt was genuine. there was just a tinge of melancholy, like “I wish this isnt what it took to bring people together”.

i havent been to my grandparents’ house in a long time. there is a space between the woodshop and the main house, backed up by the wall to the neighbor’s, that’s just a small empty patch of grass. next in my dream we had set up a big blanket fort there. i had made itmyself but my brother joined me later. i was trying to get reading done, or something. i felt very safe there, but also felt like i had made it so i could become safe. there was a part where i ws reading murals on wood panels, like they were giant advertisements made of canvas or something, but also were the walls of the fort. some detached voice , i dont recall everything now, was liek ‘we dont know yet beccause blizzard hasnt hired you yet’ and i rolled my eyes. the ceiling caved in due to some shitty little white puffy dog that jumped on top and i was pissed cuase i got trapped under all these blankets, but it reverted itself and xena was there. i saw her face and her eyes with great clarity and i could feel myself petting her. it was dark, like a nap, cozy, and warm, dimly lit from the waning light outside. i was with my dog in the blanket fort, eating oatmeal and scrambled eggs (in the same bowl, for some reason, and was told to put ketchup on the eggs, which i never do, and also did not go at all with the rest of the oatmeal. the eggs tasted like the oatmeal too, maple syrupy, and it was all a big mess. it was in a paper cup, like at an ice cream place, but it was warm and even though it wasnt very good all mixed together i could taste the individual flavors. so i was there with my dog in the blanket fort feeling safe.

that was my dream. the last time i had dreams this basic was back in 11th grade when my sleep disorder started really coming to a head and i wasnt getting much sleep at all, and then i wasnt eating either. i remember having a dream where i just sat down and calmly ate food and that was basically it. i just got to eat food and it tasted good. and i remember when we were reading about moments of prolonged high stress or trauma, how even the vocabulary of people’s dreams can become reduced, showing very direct basic images to fulfill waking needs, like it does with children. so it has things like a clean house, a safe place, a soft bed, eating candy or good food, etc. this dream just now was still pretty complex but compared to my other dreams it’s extremely basic. just wanting to be around friendly people, to get big warm hugs, to feel safe and secure, and petting my dog no less. didnt have to jump through many hoops of interpretation, as it were. i think everything is just surmounting now. the insane cramps, papou in the hospital, having to solve my medical, not having a job or knowing when i can get a new one or what i should do, just my life generally being a mess. im so fucking tired all the time i can barely even play video games. i played hots so much yesterday because i had to do something that wasnt focusing on the pain, and i had a stimpack so it gave me a ‘reason’ to. 

i was driving with my dad yesterday because we were going to get a rat to feed topaz. my mom “has been meaning to” do it for like a week, just like she was “meaning to” take me to see papou until he called up, barely able to speak, and said “get me out of here”. if he hadnt done that i wouldnt have seen him, nor, do i think, would they have gone the extra push to get him out of the hospital. shit just kept going wrong. id been meaning to write about this for a few days, since it happened. i had been wanting to see papou again since i got back from my trip, because i was leaving shortly before his surgery and i wanted to tell him about it and show him pics when i got back. when i walked into the room he looked so bright, and i immediately walked over and held his hand. a nurse was dealing with his IV or something and he said to her “This one is my favorite. She’s a genius.” i’m among five grandkids and my papou always brags about us but this is the first time i’ve heard him say i’m his favorite. or to specify a favorite at all. and especially because i’m the least accomplished of the other four grandkids. the three are in line to be lawyers, all within in my uncle’s (my papou’s son) firm. my sister is back on track to becoming a teacher, interning at our middle school and passing all the credential tests, or whatever it is. all i do is stupid cartoons and try not to fucking kill myself. i went to college basically at the behest of my family and i’ve only ever had one real job, which was retail. i volunteered at the arts center and stuff when i was a teenager but while i was in most of high school and in college i didnt do shit. i only ever left my dorm to go to class or raves. i barely fed myself. i was so fucking depressed and just meeting all the wrong people left and right. one time my mom told me, “you know, the only grandchild papou has a picture of in his wallet is you.” he talks SO much about “the grandkids”, how we have “more degrees than people”, for which he is very proud. i’m doing nothing but keeping my head above water—and barely that—but i walk in and he announces i’m his favorite, and a genius. 

before i left, he said to me, which he’s said to all of us before at one point or another—”you are my legacy”. my papou was an engineer and a war hero, jumping out of planes and getting purple hearts touring north africa during world war ii. how am i supposed to uphold that?

so, anyway, i was driving with my dad, or rather sitting in the car w my dad, he was driving. i told him i had been driving a little, “even though mom thinks i just sit in my room all day.” “yeah, and ‘i think’ all she does is sleep all day,” he says mockingly. i laughed. nervously. we get to our usual pet store and they dont have any large rats. topaz is 7 feet long. she needs the biggest rats we can find. technically she should be on bunnies but i cant stomach that, nor do we feel like hiring a handler (legally you have to. nobody sells ‘feed bunnies’.) so we call up some other places. we end up having to drive across town which takes an hour at 4pm, and i tell dad “well they might have more on monday, the guy said,” and dad said, “No, this is what we���re doing. because who knows what that guy knows. we could show up monday and there still aren’t any. so it’s a little more work, but i said i was going to get a rat today, and i’m going to do it. we’re not gonna rely on what that guy says. see, this is what you have to do; you have to take matters into your own hands. You follow through. This is what I always have to do; it’s my job. I follow through for people.”

i wish my dad was around more, just in general. he works so often that he’s basically inaccessible but we all rely on him for everything because he makes the money, which is why he’s never around. my mom works for him and, little harsh here, but is useless when it comes to executing tasks without any pressure (so guess where we all got it from). we talked about her for a little bit. essentially, my dad is the reason anything ever happens. my mom, nowadays, is the reason nothing happens. she pushes things away hoping they’ll just disappear, i guess. i see it a lot in myself and i hate it. i hate feeling as helpless as she does and i hate having to rely on someone helpless like her because my dad is always gone doing the ‘heavy lifting’ like making sure we can all be alive.

not to be fucking predictable but i want to be reliable. i want to follow through. like my dad.

any dad, really.

[growyoga-blog]

First week at home with our lady. Should things be this easy? **knock on wood Lots of baby feedings during the day. Lots of poopy diapers, & tons of naps. I've made a point to enjoy every moment. I don't rush the late night feedings.. instead I take the time to hold her a little closer. The one thing everyone has told me is that these times go so fast. I tend to be an impatient person who rushes things. It's been nice to force myself to slow down & im surprised how quickly I was able to make it happen. Sleeping has been great. We try to move into the bedroom at 9, & try to be asleep by 10. She hasn't woken me up one time during the night, instead I have to wake her mostly bc my boobs are about to explode. So I usually wake her up around 3, get back to bed by about 3:45 & sleep until after 6:30-7. Plenty enough sleep for me to function. 👏🏼 We had a cardiologist appointment at children's hospital today, as our pediatrician & the nurses in the hospital when she was born told us that she had a very odd heart murmur. So we went in at 9:30.. saw 2 different doctors, got an EKG, & then a heart echo. Turns out she's got a hole in her heart wall that separates the left & right ventricle. It was very emotional seeing your child hooked up to such complex equipment.. especially at eight days. No one should ever have to see their child like that. Being at children's hospital was just depressing in general seeing all the sick children. My biggest struggles right now : guests, guests & more guests. My dogs depression, & cabin fever.

[jineatthis]

This is an absolute mess of just emotional garbage, and it switches from first to second person bc some of the scenarios?? I couldnt imagine myself in and reverted to default just imagine this is you guys okay lmao.

i was tagged by beautiful @bbyjoonbug​ sorry it took me so long bub

Would you rather:

build a snowman with Taehyung OR have a snowball fight with Hoseok

      I wanna do both, we’re already out in the snow. I can start with the snowman with T** looking so adorable all rugged up in layers of coats and scarves and giving me a big boxy grin and getting distracted by his breath puffing out in clouds. Giving me his scarf when I put mine on the snow man and pulling it up around my chin, cute cute cute. And then everything changed when Hoseok attacked. It’ll be so much fun, with lots of yelling and cursing and he’ll probably accidentally destroy the snowman which is sad, the fight will only last like 5 mins before we’re over it and laying in the snow while I try and catch my breath and he’s laughing at me, then we’ll go get hot chocolate and sit under an old blanket by the fire all snuggled up together and warm and cosy. Anyway, super cute I wanna spend a white Christmas with BTS

get coffee with Yoongi OR get ice cream with Yoongi

Sitting at the back of a coffee shop in a secluded corner with yoongi?? Holding hands under the table or having his hand resting lightly on my thigh, feeding him the cream off the top of my iced coffee and wrinkling my nose at his americano. Quietly enjoying our drinks and each others company, content to just watch the other people in the coffee shop or flip through a magazine while he might do some work on his laptop.

go to the cinema with Jimin OR the amusement park with Jungkook

  Movies with jimin would be so cute and I do love going to the cinemas but listen, I LOVE THEMEPARKS, and Jungkook. Being able to share the adrenaline rush of a terrifying rollercoaster with him, and then just grinning at each other, eyes shining and racing back into line to do it again. Complaining about the expensive food but not wanting to eat the sandwiches we had packed bc ‘a hotdog sounds so good right now’. Spending most of the day waiting in lines and talking and leaning against each other when we’re tired and making conversation with the people behind us. Super cute I’m so emo.

do a dance cover with Hoseok OR sing a duet with Jin

 A bitch (me) can’t dance, damn. I’d probably nut being that close to hoseok listen I’m rlly in a hobi mood. I can’t sing either but Jin???? That’s my whole entire husband?? A romantic duet with Jin, I would die??? Looking into my eyes and singing something emotional and heartfelt in his gorgeous voice and skimming his hands down my arms when he’s close enough??? Kill me. Sharing a mic with him??? The planning and writing process before we even sing?? Nights sitting on a couch together leaning over a coffee table covered in papers, bouncing ideas off each other and laughing hysterically at everything and anything bc we’re sleep deprived??? Having him nap on my lap and just play with his hair and enjoy the moment. 

 kiss Namjoon OR cuddle Yoongi

 I can’t answer this fdhdtntrn its too hard I wanna die. Peppering Nams smiling face with little kisses, his eyelids his forehead his nose his chin his dimples his temples and jaw just tiny kisses everywhere, slow kisses in the morning tangled in the sheets?? Casual comfortable kisses over a table when we’re out to dinner, teary sweet goodbye kisses, heavy wet kisses straddling him in a chair in the studio, ‘baby baby baby’? Anyway, that’s enough of that mess. Cuddles with Yoongi??? Lazy days spent on the couch with a bunch of throw pillows and blankets and old comfortable trackies and stained sweaters, watching the fast-furious series or a sitcom, feeding each other chips and teasing each other when we get emotional over a certain scene. Crawling into bed with him after a tough day and snuggling up against his back and he murmurs in his sleep and leans back into me?? Super cute. Walking up and cuddling him for no reason and he just slings his arms around my waist and continues with his conversation and lets me just press my face into his chest and breath him in??? WOW SHE’S REALLY EMO TODAY.  

babysit with Jimin OR dogsit with Taehyung

 I’m so anxious around children I think somethings going wrong 24/7, also if the kid isn’t related to me…they annoying. Dog sitting with T**?? Super cute. (I’m not saying T**hyungs name ever again, he making me unfaithful to my man...I wouldn’t pass up dog sitting duties with him though...) Going to a dog park and watching them play fetch while I sit on a bench, reading a book and wondering who the real puppy is? Playing scissors paper rock to see who must clean up after the dog, watching him be Damatique ™ pulling the most adorable faces. T** passing out on the couch with the dog on his stomach and taking heaps of photos and making it my new lock screen. Accidentally letting the dog off the lead and it bolts and the two of us screaming after it, spending hours looking around town panicking and coming home to it curled up on the ‘Welcome’ mat at the front door, tail thumping lazily.  

film a commercial with Hoseok OR film a sketch with Taehyung

 A silly sketch with T** would be so much fun and that’s all I’m saying abt it bc thinking abt rehearsing our lines sitting on the floor of the practice room and laughing over the stupidity of it and getting excited when we think of something new to add is too much.

hug Jimin OR hold hands with Jungkook

 fjgnsthtrh, IM EMOTIONAL. Jk has such nice hands I’m really such a soft bitch for him and everything about him, walking together and feeling his knuckles brush against the back of my hand and looking up and he’s staring forward and chewing on the inside of his cheek, reaching out and entwining our fingers and looking back and he’s looking away and covering his mouth with his free hand and his ears are red? Loosely holding hands in the backseat of a car, both dozing off and leaning into one another? Jk laughing at something while out to dinner and reaching out across the table to grasp my hand and give it a squeeze and his eyes are shining and I’m back to being an emo bitch.

go to Paris with Jin OR to London with Yoongi

 Yes yes yes yes. Cute tourist photos with Jin, watching him go ‘WAAH’ whenever he sees something new, pointing excitedly out across the balcony of the hotel room and yelling about the view. Sharing a crepe and wiping the mess of cream off his chin with your thumb and he leans down to lick Nutella off the corner of ur mouth. Walking hand and hand through the louvre while he makes silly jokes about you being the true work of art, and jumping away from you and reminding you that you’re ‘not allowed to touch the masterpieces’ and you roll yours eyes and smack his chest bc he’s such an idiot but sososo cute.

film a drama with Jin OR do a photo shoot with Namjoon

 don’t get me started

attend an award show with Namjoon OR wear couple t-shirts at the airport with Jungkook

I’m squealing. This is so cute esp if It was something ridiculously gaudy and appalling and embarrassing and one of us wants to die and the other is beaming. 

spend a lazy day with Yoongi OR explore a city with Hoseok

 I CAN’T DECIDE THESE ARE SO GOOD. Lazy day with Yoongi, lounging about watching tv, getting up and going to the kitchen and asking if he wants a drink while ur up and looking over and he's scratching his chest under his shirt all stretched out on the couch and watching you with sleepy eyes and the door to the balcony’s open and the breeze is ruffling the sheer curtain softly and it's all tranquil and serene and warm.

Or being dragged through streets with hobi, him holding a map with one hand and clutching at yours with the other. A lane filled with street food and you stop at each stall and feed each other samples. Struggling to read the map and talking to strangers on the street and getting lost but ending up in cute backstreet cafes and busy parks. Spotting a pretty building on the horizon and deciding that that absolutely must be your next destination. Impulsively jumping onto a passing tram and wondering where it’ll take you.

fall asleep next to Jimin OR wake up next to Jungkook 

 Don’t look at me I’m about to write some real gross shit. But waking up to him placing soft kisses across ur shoulders and brushing the hair off your face and laughing softly and apologising for waking you? Waking up to him crawling into bed heavily and collapsing into the sheets beside you before grumbling something about a tough practice and pulling an all-nighter and slinging an arm across your hips and immediately passing out. Waking up and feeling his breath fan against the back of ur neck and his knees digging into your thighs and his arm under your body isn’t the most comfortable but it’s perfect anyway. Taking a nap on the couch and waking up to him sitting on the armchair across from you, watching tv and looking so relaxed and at home.

have a fun picnic with Hoseok OR a fancy date with Jin

 I can’t believe I’m openly cheating on my man like this but?? I’ll always choose a picnic over a fancy dinner I worked in fine dining for too long it’s lost the appeal. Cute though laying on a blanket by the beach or in a park wearing big floppy hats and sunglasses and loose flowing clothes. Feeding him fruit from the palm of your hand and his lips and chin are shiny with the juice and his kisses are sweet.  People watching and making small comments abt peoples fashion sense until it turns into full on judging and giving everyone a wild backstory and you both end up in hysterics. And he sings softly under his breath and you’re fine to lay in silence and cloud gaze, murmuring occasionally about some shape you see

have Jungkook serenade you OR have Taehyung sing you to sleep

I couldn’t handle being serenaded I would combust. But t**hyungs deep voice softly filling the room as he cards his fingers through my hair and his breath is fanning across the back of my neck and shoulders lightly and the lyrics don’t make any sense anymore he’s just singing about his day and how much he loves me and his hopes for the future and he pauses to press his lips to my shoulder and hums against my skin and I’d feel so warm and safe and loved is that too much for a girl to ask damn.

go camping with Jimin and Tae OR go to the beach with Namjoon and Yoongi

I live by the beach the beach is overrated. Camping in the forest with the boys?? A dream, sharing a big bed and waking up tangled in limbs and t**hyung took his socks of in the middle of the night so me and jimin are dying but it’s too cold outside to evacuate. Roasting marshmallows and having a few drinks around the fire and playing truth or dare and telling ghost stories that aren’t even that scary but still has everyone jumping at the smallest of sounds. Exploring the forest and taking pictures of everything. Jimin and t** getting into a mock fight and ending up sliding down an embankment, ending up covered in mud and chasing me around trying to give me a mud hug. Jimin swimming in the lagoon and flipping his wet hair out of his face like a fucking supermodel and me and t** are shook. Me and t** struggling to start the fire but we watched a YouTube video abt it before we left and we’re like 100% sure we’ve got this, jimin running out of patience and throwing a few firelighters into the pit and pulling out a box of matches.

have a sleepover with the hyung line OR a birthday party with the maknae line

 ???? nams in a flannel pj set?? Everyone barefaced and sleepy, sharing one massive bed, sandwiched between hoseok and jin? Being able to see Yoongi curled up and adorable? Nams stretching out and taking all the room and being just straight up adorable? Circling back to being sandwiched between hoseok and jin? Snuggling with jin? Coddled by jin?

celebrate Halloween with Jungkook, Yoongi, Tae, and Hoseok OR Christmas with Namjoon, Jimin and Jin

 once again I choose the one without jin but listen Halloween is just so much better also t**hyung and hoseok really got me feeling a way lately and Jungkook is everyone’s bias wrecker. Plus, we’re all adults and adults drink in Australia on Halloween and do stupid shit, so yeah. Going clubbing with the boys all dressed up, getting mortal, staying till close or till someone gets kicked out and then stumbling home? A dream. The boys drunkenly singing bst and t** trying to get into the DJ’s booth to rap cypher lmao, Jungkook and hoseok dancing like absolute hos, slut dropping and even twerking unironically what a mess what a great time. Yoongi just nodding and raising his drink that never seems to empty bc he’s just smashing them down and getting refills, looking like an absolute snack all in black. Getting the uber driver to take us through maccas on the way home and ordering four family boxes. Most of it ends up on the car floor and spilled in the driveway and we get a 1-star rating. All falling asleep with our costume sand makeup still on in the loungeroom. 

GOD IM SORRY ITS SO LOOONG okay anyway what a mess ill tag @sugaas​ @hxtape​ @forestcottage​ @killv​ @jho-seok​ @softseoks @fhawn @hobsbf @silkguk @okimtae @joonsamor  @gothicsuga @girlsheart @hxxtape @hobih

[doinurmommy]

Dad Jokes, Go For Broke. Pt.5

Rating:T

Warnings: Children? Vague description of the sex if you look closely.

Description: After the group is reunited 10k falls ill. On their mission to bring Lucy home they suffer several set backs.

It’s finally here the last part of this fanfic. There will be a sequel once season 4 rolls around. Until then I will be working on Z Country, a parody of Z Nation, as well as taking requests for oneshot fanfics. Sorry it took so long to get this out there, I’ve been working really hard on Z Country and I wanted to make sure this part was really good. 

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

With one common goal and the group back together, things were a lot like normal. Real normal. The group back together with one goal, no enemy to fight but the man.

I could tell 10k didn’t feel safe though. Every moment he got he held the baby close to his chest; sometimes he just stared at him like he wanted to burn the image of his son into his eye lids. I could hardly even get him to let go of Thomas long enough for me to feed him. 10k would wrap his arms around me when I held the baby at night. He was as alert as a guard dog. If anybody got within 3 feet of us he’d be there in an instant. Sometimes I’d wake up and he would just be looking over us. I often wondered when he slept.

“10k, the baby’s fine. Im fine. You’re fine. Go to bed dear,” I rolled over, running my hand through his hair.

“I don’t want anything to happen to you two,” he looked as though he hadn’t slept in 40 years.

“Tommy. I literally just survived 6 weeks on my own with Jr. Nothing will happen.”

He looked down between us, not speaking for awhile, I almost thought he might have fallen asleep. “I’m so lucky, that we have all survived. That nothing happened to you or the baby. I never thought I would get to be a dad,and I love every moment of it,” he looked up at me, his eyes getting shiny. 

I put Jr. in his basket, turning around to look at 10k again. Displays of emotions were rare for 10k, which made every time he said I love you, every kiss, hug, every touch, that much more special. 

In that moment I was really glad Thomas was 8 weeks old.

I ran my hand over 10k’s new scars, as he did the same to me. We hadn’t gotten a chance to be close since before he got shot. It felt like we were seeing each other as different, new people.

>

Over the time we took to get to the coordinates, 10k didn’t seem to be doing so well. He had a fever, everytime I touched him I could feel the heat radiating off him. When he passed out and started choking I pulled the whole group over. I thought he would die. When he started breathing normally, I knew we had to get him antibiotics. Everywhere we stopped I looked and looked; if we didn’t find them soon he would die. I could tell by the way Dr. Sun looked at him, brows knitted together, that we didn’t have much time to find him help.

>

“Grandpa? Grandpa. You in there buddy?” Doc knocked lightly on Grandpa’s forehead. “What do you think Addy? He’s been out for half an hour.”

“He’s still receiving. Look at his eye lids his eyes are moving,” Addy glanced in the rear-view mirror, seeing Doc blowing smoke in the direction of grandpa. “Getting him high isn’t helping either.”

>

I helped 10k along, staying far behind the rest of the group. I held my pistol close hearing the gun fire up ahead. If i could have I would have left Thomas in the car, but 10k needed help and somebody needed to get him to it. 10k saw Doc in the distance, groaning and gesturing, I took that as my que to pick up the pace. Hobbling quickly I saw Doc pointing at a zombie, his eyes widened when he saw 10k and I. “I can’t believe all of you guys made it. Well almost, what’s wrong with the kid?” I looked at Thomas, confused. “No not that kid. This one,” he said as he got under 10k’s other arm.

“He has an infection. It’s pretty bad he hasn’t been breathing properly. We need to get him inside,” I pushed 10k toward the opening in the rocks. “And as for this kid he just needs a nap,” I pointed at my chest where the baby was strapped.

>

We crept througout the base avoiding any busy areas. “Wish we had grandpa right about now,” Warren returned Doc’s glare. “Just sayin’ ” Doc shrugged, getting a better grip on 10k in the process. After securing the area I laid 10k down on the ground. I could see Dr. Sun was getting nervous. She’d have a plan surely. I really hoped so.

I clenched 10k’s hand, leaving bruises. I looked back and forth between Warren and Sun. Warren nodded and went to wrap the cloth around his neck. Thomas had been so quiet I nearly forgot about him. “Warren, wait,” I ran into the hallway to give Doc Thomas. “I don’t want him to see that.” Doc nodded and gave a hollow half smile. I glanced back one last time, Tommy sucking his thumb and laying on Doc. I took a deep breath. I’d have to face this someday, I’d have to be strong. I won't  be alone even if this doesn’t work.

“Okay. We’re good to go,” I looked at 10k, his eyes shifted around the room in a panic. I held onto his hand a little bit harder as Warren began to strangle him. When the vaccince was finally administered I sat staring at him, looking for any sign he could still wake up.

5 minutes passed, then 10, before Warren and Sun finally made the call that he wouldn’t be coming back. I shook my head. I continued to grasp his hand, it was the only thing that felt real. I focused on that. I wouldn’t believe it. Tears started to fall freely, as I began to accept what was happening. Looked to the side, seeing Doc standing there with Thomas. I motioned him over, “Thank you,” I held my son extra close as i layed down beside 10k’s body.

Just when I had lost all hope 10k shot up, grabbing Murphy by the chest. He gasped, forcing out the phrase, “You are not my savior.” It took a minute before eveyone broke out into smiles, Dr. Sun had done it. She saved him.

As hugs were being given I whispered in 10k’s ear, “Is now a bad time to tell you I’m pregnant again?” His reaction was probably the best thing I ever saw, he smiled wider than ever before hugging me painfully tight. He grabbed Thomas kissing the top of his head.

“Alright we’ve had out moment now its time to go,” Warren was serious as always, but the smile on her face didn’t fade until we crept up the ladder to the roof.

>

After losing Lucy I scrambled to help Murphy and Warren. 10k was worried all the stress of it would make me lose the baby, but we had move quick, and he was in no position to help. All he could do was watching and try to calm Tommy down.

[rustpuppy]

all the asks

1: Did you discover that you are autistic early or later in life? How do you think it affected you?

laterr.. like a month ago (officially). so much stuff makes sense now, when i was growing up i thought i was just...well, a lot of bad things 

2: Which terms and words do you prefer when talking about autism?

is this referring to “autistic person” vs “person with autism” language?? in that case i prefer the first

3: Do you advocate for yourself and other autistic people?

im trying to learn and i hope ill be able to soon

4: How did you find out about autism?

well i mean i’d heard about it growing up but i never really knew much about it until i followed autistic ppl on here and started learning more

5: Do you have any autistic family members or autistic friends in real life?

not to my knowledge?? altho i wouldn’t be surprised if i had an autistic relative and i just didn’t know it

6: What, in your opinion is your best autism-related quality?

i get very excited about nature documentaries (a special interest of mine)

7: Which autistic trait gives you the most problems?

:/ probably my sensory problems, specifically food sensitivities 

8: If you could get rid of one and only one autistic trait, would you do it and which would you choose?

that’s a really hard.. question. i don’t want to get rid of anything that makes me who i am, but also executive dysfunction sucks

9: Any autistic traits that you don't have but wish you had?

uhh not that i can think of

10: What do you think about support labels as an alternative to functioning labels?

i don’t actually know much about this.. but im not a fan of functioning labels

11: What, in you opinion, is the most ridiculous social protocol rule?

aaa idk why cant i talk to people about dogs/animals only

12: What are your hypo- and hyper-sensitivities?

i want that pressure.. dont want that sound/smell/taste/bright light/etc.. (i have a lot more hyper-sensitivites)

13: What is/are your current special interest(s)?

dogs & animals are the big ones rn

14: What is your daily routine like?

wake up, let felix out, put contacts in, drink coffee, eat cereal, go on tumblr, feed dogs, take felix on a walk, eat lunch, take a nap, go on tumblr, feed dogs, eat dinner, go on tumblr, let felix out, take out contacts, go to bed

15: How do you stim?

bounce leg, tap fingers, scratch, pet dog, weighted blanket, chew, tangle, squeeze hands, squish dog’s extra skin, etc

16: Is there any media with canon autistic character(s) you like and would recommend to other autistic people?

i love wilson fisk from daredevil, altho i don’t think it’s ever explicitly stated in the show that he’s autistic. i know his actor is autistic and i think it’s p generally excepted that fisk is too.

17: Which characters do you headcanon as autistic and why?

tony stark !! is my big one. i personally connect to him and he shows a lot of traits like stimming, preferring AIs/robots to people, shades inside, blunt, etc

18: If you could make one accommodation universally available and 100% accepted, which would you choose?

nonverbal communication!!! let people use their phones/or whatever to talk w/o judgement

19: What, in your opinion, is the most ridiculous autism myth or stereotype?

well there’s the obvious “___ causes autism” but about autistic ppl? that they’re all or mostly white boys

20: How would you describe autism to someone who knows nothing about it?

....it’s processing the world in a different way, missing some things that other ppl get and getting too much of other things... not sure how else to say it w/o going through the diagnosis

21: Do you have any happy autistic childhood memories?

setting up all my toys in specific ways for hours👍🏼👍🏼

22: What, in your opinion, is the best thing about being autistic?

that intense feeling when u get excited about a special interest 

23: Do you think autism influences your identity, like your gender, sexuality, religious and political views or personality?

this is a hard one for me. it might influence my gender? and sexuality? but i also think my ptsd could influence those... it def influences my political views and personality. ive heard a strong need for justice is an autistic thing. and my personality is so intertwined w my autism i wouldn’t even be the same person w/o it. (i have no idea about religious views)

24: Are there any internalized ableist ideas that you struggle with?

yeah. i have to remind myself that i don’t need to contribute to our capitalist society to be a Good person. 

25: Do you think we will achieve autism acceptance soon?

yikes - i wish i could say yes?? but im not so sure.. i hope so

26: Are you a no eye contact autistic or excessive eye contact autistic?

aaaa im a switches back and forth autistic, depends on the Mood™

27: Are you a "no food touching" autistic or "mesh all food up" autistic?

no touching!!!!! (i did go through a brief phase where i meshed up ice cream and cake tho)

28: Are you a pretty rock collection autistic or soft stuffed animals collection autistic?

soft stuffed animals

29: Are you a get along with kids autistic or slightly afraid of kids autistic?

a f r a i d

30: Are you a soft, gentle touches autistic or a deep pressure autistic?

deep pressure. soft touches make my skin crawl.

[magdathemadam-blog]

What a day

Today was, well, something of a mixed bag. It began as it usually does, I woke just before my alarm and pop out of bed. I keep it on the other side of the room so I have to get up to turn it off.  I stumbled around for a few minutes, awake but unwilling. Since I didn’t have class until 1, I decided to go back to sleep until 9. This is always a mistake. I wake up ready to meet the world (usually) and should stay up until nap time. (I only sleep for a few hours at night and few more hours in the afternoon) I slept until 12:40, make up with a raging migraine, the kind that wraps around your head, telling you that sleep is your only option, but the more you sleep the worse it gets. My eyes feel cloudy, my throat and mouth are dry. Part of me wants to skip my 30- minute singing lesson, but the word Dicipline is printed across my white board in all caps. Its the one thing I lack and what I wish to gain. I throw myself together and make it to class, 5 minutes late but there. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining but it isn’t hot. A soft breeze carries the scents of new life, melted snow and pine. Every inhale is a pleasant bath that washes away all impurities. My headache is gone within a minute of being outside. I have an urge to stay outside, to cling to the free air. Still, Discipline. I go inside.  I love my professor. A wide hipped, small chested woman with curly amber hair, cut into an asymmetrical a line. She has a pure, sweet voice that I could listen to all day. We spend the first ten minutes chatting, laughing about our lives.Then, we practice. The first time is always the roughest. I struggle to stay on. It’s the change in note, from deep to high or high to deep. If the change is gradual, I can do it. If its sudden, I struggle. This is the reason we’ve chosen scarborough fair. The key is higher than I’ve ever done, but my professor insisted that I could do it. After three weeks of practice, I can hit all the notes and my lungs no longer struggle to hold them.  I love the way she encourages me. Tells me that she’s impressed, admits whens she does things wrong. She tells me when I’m wrong and gently moves me back to center. I can’t help but think back to every other music instructors I've had, to the man who made me hate my voice.I don't do so with the bitter scorn I used to. I smile. Shes never told me I sound like a rodent or compared me to a dying animal. Instead, she there to adjust my voice, tells me that its like an instrument, with fine tuning anyone can sing well. With fine tuning, my voice can be great. She points out the things she likes, what others will like,. We end with a reminder that next week I’ll perform. I’m looking forward to it, but I do feel a bit of nerves stir in my stomach. I’ve sang in front of people a few times, I love to be in front of an audience.  I wander down to trio, the best place to get lunch and feed myself. Chili cheese dog on a slice of wheat bread. I spend some time down there, shooting the breeze with the instructors and some of my fellow students. We talk about graduation, what we want to do afterwards. I give one of them my 60-second sell on AmeriCorps. Once socialization draws to a close, a find a coloring page and doodle. At 3pm, my dicipline alarm goes off. Its time to do my homework. I feel inspired, I’m ready to do it, so I head back to my dorm. Again, the air makes me want to mess off, spend my time outside. Spring fever has begun to set in. I can hardly wait to finish my work so that I might frolic in the fresh grass. When I get into my dorm, my calico Luci Fur, greets me with a trill and rolls onto her back. She loves to flaunt her belly and I’m the only one aloud to pet her there. My laptop rests on the bed, open and playing her favorite playlist. A Dethklok song, Murmaider, thrums its heart beat sound. I spend a fw minutes rubbing her belly and bumping my head along with the beat before I slip the computer onto my lap. I get some work done, not as much as I should, before I take a small cuddle break. Luci is being too cute not to snuggle. I put the laptop next to me and lay down across the bed. I wiggle, trying to find a comfortable possition. Luci purrs and extrends her claws into my face. She pulls me closer. One of my legs is still folded underneath me, the weigth of my body cutting off blood. I pull it out, trying to do so without having to move anything else. My foot pops free and strikes into something hard with the full force of my strength. I feel my laptop fly off of the bed and hear it land. I cant look. I know its broken. I dont need to get up to look. I shielf my face in lucis chest.  I dont want to look.  I force myself and find that, infact, the screen is destroyed. The upper right corner is a mess of sprider webs, fracturing out across the screen. The rest of it is a chalk white, struggling to blink back on.  It’s ruined. I’m such an idiot.  Immediately, I look at the time, its not past 5, which means that the IT guys will probably still be in there office. WIthout wasting another second, I shove the technology into its case and rush it to the hospital, like it was my loved one. My voice is tight while I explain whats happened. He doesn’t laugh, he looks quite sympathetic. He explains that theres little he can do, but hooks it up to a spare monitor anyway. He gives me a flash drive and helps me move my files. He tells me I’ll need a new screen but he’ll put it in for free.  The screens range from 50-200$ and I have all of 4$ in my account. Once I get what I can onto a flash drive, I wander back towards my dorm. Texting my bestie, I find comfort in her sympathy, though we both know theres nothing to do. My family is not well off but I reach out to my mom anyway. Without my computer, I’ll fail.  I tell her what happened and she tells me, regrettably, she has no money. Her voice is sullen and a little defensive. My other siblings would be quick to rage about this. Im sad, but I tell her its ok. It’s my own damn fault, anyway. We spend some time trying to brain storm. I consider taking another loan from the school, but on top of being that much more owed, it’ll take over a week to process. My brother has a computer that he connects to his tv and uses for nothing else. I consider asking if we could switch until the semester is over when my mom intturupts. She’s been struck by genuis. She can bring me her old television and an HDMI cord. The tv was destined for donation; what better way to rehome it then giving it to her child? She excitedly tells me she’ll come over as soon as she’s had her evening coffee and hangs up. Despite the over reaching cloud to depression, I find my sunshine. This will be like a desktop, in some ways better than what I had before.  I spend the next hour or so chatting on the phone with my bestie. She reads me her story, teasing me with the unfinished chapter. She finishes just in time, my mother has arrived. She brings me dinner and we spend some time enjoying each others company. Its been several weeks since the last time we got to hang out. She doesn’t feel great and heads home.  I set up the television and connect my computer. Ready to finish my homework, I push the televisions on button. It shifts awkwardly under my finger. Nothing else happens.

I meddle with it.

Its broken.

For the first time I feel the cascading wave of defete crash into me. It hurts. My eyes begin to sting, filling with tears. Who the fuck did I piss off? I want to scream, jump up and down and cry.

Of course, I dont want to bother any of the little snow flakes, so I just stare at the two screen. One blank and emotionless, the other a twitching, shattered mess. With a deep breath a turn the tv towards me and examine the button. I fiddle with it for several minutes. I will not let this happen. 

Mark me, if I have to tear this apart and rebuild the entire thing from bolts, I will.

The tv lights up, a dim blue-grey glow. 

It works!

I take a picture, send it to my mom and bestie before I sit down and finish my homework.

It’s after midnight. My day is finally over. My head has begun to hurt again, but I’m not ready for bed. Instead, I get on tumblr and blog about the day I’ve had. 

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Hrmm. It's 6:30am, I have to wake up at 9am, but my friend and I are still deep in conversation. Should I even go to bed now?