#idk personally im just getting kinda tired of that
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In between sets —
pairing : idol!anton x male!reader
summary : after recently coming back to the gym, you are a bit rusty and forget what to do. luckily, the only other person who goes is willing to help.
warnings : SMUT!! (dni minors), unprotected sex, kinda dacryphillia, sex in a public setting, sex while hiding, (provably more but idk, pls lmk if i should add more)
a/n : THESE ANTON PHOTOS GOT ME FEELING REALLY H***Y !!! also first smut so lmk how it is and maybe i’ll do more
— (w/c : 2.7k) — not proof read — minors dni —
anton had a routine. 3-4 times a week. early mornings before practice. sometimes he would have a gym buddy which was normally sungchan, wonbin, or eunseok but this time he decided to go solo.
he always has airpods in, keeping his mind in check by playing some music. he a was used to seeing the usuals, especially since the gym is almost always empty in the early mornings but was somewhat surprised to see someone new, someone he hasn’t seen before.
the newbie seemed to be fumbling their way through the weights section, looking moody along the rows of equipment. anton couldn’t help but notice him, it was quite a cute sight to see. they weren’t decked out in typical gymwear, instead, opting for a loose hoodie and sweats. their hair was slightly disheveled, looking as if they didn’t intend on coming today but decided to give it a try anyway.
by the end of his set, anton glanced over and noticed they were staring over at a dumbbell with what seemed like frustration or confusion. it was almost endearing. with a smirk, anton walks over.
“hey,” anton starts, pulling out one of his airpods. “you new here?”
you blink to look up to him, somewhat startled, you didn’t really notice him, “uh, yeah. just…trying to get back into shape,” you say, scratching the back of your head with a shy grin. “i’m y/n”
“oh, um… i think so. i used to work out, like, two years ago? but i kind of forgot what i was doing.” you laugh, clearly a little embarrassed, and anton found himself chuckling too.
“don’t worry about it,” anton said, leaning in a little closer. “why don’t we start with something simple? i’ll spot you.”
they moved to the bench press, anton demonstrating the proper grip and form as you listened intently. anton couldn't help but notice the way your eyes lingered, just a little too long, whenever he showed you a move. you would look and keep eye contact but it would wander to view the visible muscles you can see on anton’s arms. every time he reached in to help adjust your grip or stance, he noticed a brief flicker in your gaze, almost like he was wondering if the proximity was intentional. anton found himself leaning in just a touch closer each time.
as they finished up, anton noticed that you seemed more relaxed, even playful. you lightly punched anton's shoulder as they headed to the water fountain, giving him a grin. “thanks, man. i feel like i’m getting my gym routine back”
“no problem,” anton replied, feeling a heat rise as your eyes met his, this time lingering. "you know, i don’t mind helping out… if you need someone to keep you motivated.”
you pause, then smile, his eyes narrowing slightly with a glint of interest. you found anton attractive, plus it was a gym buddy that could help you get in shape, “how about tomorrow, same time?”
“deal.” anton’s heart raced as they exchanged numbers, both a little reluctant to say goodbye.
╴╴╴╴╴⊹ꮺ˚ ╴╴╴╴╴⊹˚ ╴╴╴╴˚ೃ ╴╴
the next morning, anton is already warmed up and stretching, tired due to having practices after his session yesterday, when he spots a familiar face coming in. today, your hoodie is swapped for a fitted t-shirt, showing more of your lean frame. anton can’t help but notice, a small blush playing on his face along with a smirk. you seems a little more confident, giving anton a nod and a smile as he heads over.
there was a change of focus today, instead of looking to work on arms, it was a day for the legs. anton guided you to the part where you squat with weights to improve your legs. trying nudge you to push yourself, anton adds more weights than you normally do so that he can spot you but as he does so you notice his eyes wandering up and down, smirk and all.
as they go through their workout, the tension between them feels more palpable than ever. you guys are talking and joking, but the physical closeness during spotting, the occasional brush of hands, and lingering eye contact hint at something more.
anton was almost certain you were flexing your muscles a bit when you caught anton watching, and anton found himself lingering longer than he usually would when spotting him.
after a few exercises, they move to the bench press again. you lay down, and anton stepped into position to spot him, standing right above him. their eyes met, and for a second, neither of them said anything. your eyes wander to his lower half before looking away and coughing hoping he didn’t notice. you start breathing a little heavier than you should have been, your gaze locked on anton’s, and the air felt thick.
anton finally broke the silence, his voice low. “you’ve got this. focus on your breathing.”
but you weren’t focused on your breathing. you barely even heard the words as anton leaned closer, hands hovering over yours, fingers just inches from touching. you could feel the heat radiating from him, and you couldn’t resist any longer. as you sit up after his last rep, you decide to stay close, closer than necessary, your knee brushing against anton’s leg.
finally, as they’re finishing up, they take a moment to rest on one of the benches near the locker rooms. you lean back, catching your breath, and give anton a sly look.
“you make this a lot more fun than i expected,” you say, your eyes glinting. “not sure i’d be so motivated without you.”
anton chuckles, feeling bold. “maybe we should work on some, uh, cool-down stretches together,” he suggests, half-joking but hoping his fellow gym goer catches the hint.
“maybe i should… uh, grab a shower after this,” you say, his voice barely a whisper. “you wanna join me?” you joke playfully.
anton didn’t hesitate. he made his way to the locker room, the silence charged with anticipation. the sound of water echoed through the empty space as he stripped off his sweaty top.
you immediately blush, and he could see your reaction. now you remain at a loss of words at the sight of anton’s body. fuck… it wasn’t the most built but he had some meat and muscle. “a-anton… i was joking” you try clear up, trying to drag him out of the locker rooms.
“well, i’m going to pretend that you weren’t” anton says, almost with a different, more teasing, energy. he tries to close the gap between them, enjoying the squirming you do when he does so.
he pushed you down on to a bench, “you don’t think i never saw you staring right?” he said playfully. his arms placed on both of your shoulders keeping you still.
your eyes widen, feeling the weight of anton makes you squirm slightly. you remain quiet, not able to form a sentence coherently in the current situation you are in.
anton kept that sly ass smirk, “why don’t you take this off?” he teases, playing with the hem of your shirt.
he was really pushing your buttons now. but you know that there was no one else in the gym because it was so early so…
fuck it.
(smut starts here)
you knew what anton was implying so you decided to catch him off guard and make the first move. you quickly close the gap between the two of you, lips colliding. your lips parted along with antons, and like that, the tension finally snaps.
their kiss was slow at first, you wanted it to be careful of course, but anton quickly takes control and it becomes more intense, fuled with the excitement building up throughout the days.
your hands find themselves on anton’s chest, fingers tracing the ridges and lines of his muscles, long with squeezing his pecs, feeling it out, almost as if you are trying to memorize them. anton’s hands find their way down to your waist, enjoying how their bodies fit perfectly.
you break the kiss to catch your breath, looking rugged and already worked up. anton sees you like this and brings back the smug smirk, with a hint of desire behind it, “you look so fucking cute right now,” he says, ruffling you rough hair while staring into your half-lidded eyes.
your usual shyness was softened by the confidence that had come from finally breaking the tension, you resch up, hand sliding to the back oh anton’s neck, and pulls him in for another kiss, slower this time to savor the moment.
anton’s hands move from over the fabric, to the shin of your waist, show removing your shirt to see your body for himself. “yknow,” anton says, running a finger along your jawline, “i don’t normally do this with gym buddies”
you undo the belt buckle to signal that your waiting for from anton, “nice to know im special” you let his pants drop seeing a bulge in his underwear. “someone wants to say hello,” kai says playfully.
anton’s smirk looks like it’s derived from something primal, “in the gym space? you’re something else” he says, giving a quick search of anyone else before pulling out his cock.
it was something else, nothing too big, but something that definitly match his body. you guys switch positions, anton sitting on the bench and you on the floor on your knees, appreciating the sight in front of you. your gaze didn’t last too long as you quickly took the head in.
his legs spread further, giving you easier access to what you want. “god… fuck…” it’s been forever since anton was able to do something like this as he is an idol. but since it was at a time where no one was around it was almost perfect for anton.
you take it deeper and deeper, bobbing up and down, keeping a steady, not so fast, pace before you feel a force from the back of your head. it was anton’s hand, pushing down further and faster. you start to gag, it was too much for you, but anton liked that. some tears started to stream and everything was getting dizzy from the lack of oxygen
“yeah, you like that?” he says with a smirk, lifting his hand from you neck to let you catch your breath. you soon pop off your motch fron his dick, heavily breathing as your vision started to get blurry.
without letting you recover, anton picks you up and places you on the bench, stripping your bottom half while doing so. now that both of you are without clothes, anton can give you some attention.
his hand runs along your thighs, eventually reaching your shaft, nice and hard. “mind if i play with this?” he asks. you give him a nod, still catching your breath.
he takes it and starts stroking it, making you react with whimpering and squirming. it was the feeling of recovery and that sumg ass smirk he kept on his face as he looks you down as he strokes you.
some moans started to leave your mouth as he stroked faster and faster, “a-anton… t-thats too much…”
“c’mon, you dont have to call me anton, what about toni? my friends call me that sometimes,” he teases you verbally, while also teasing you physically, slowing his pace on your shaft.
“t-toni…” you whimper, “i think we shouldn-“ you say before you get cut off by anton’s sneaky lips.
“that’s enough,” he says, letting go of your shaft, making you needy as he leaves you with no stimulation. you sit there, looking like an absolute mess on one of the workout benches and anton takes a step back to admire how you look.
he then spreads your legs which makes you react with surprise, “w-wait,” you retort but before you could say anymore you feel antons cock enter you.
you thought he would start off slow but it was the opposite, thrusting into you with what seemed like no other thoughts. it was probably because of how you looked like how messed up he made you already.
it was so big inside you, hitting your prostate everytime, making you a moaning mess. it was good, making your eyes roll up and back arch for better angles.
he enjoyed the warmth inside you, after being a trainee he hasn’t been able to have anything like this so his body reactes well to your warmth and tightness.
though you guys were making lots of noise you were able to hear the chime that happens when the front door opens. panicked, anton picks you up,dick still in you, and brings you to the shower room.
you’re able to hear a voice, “anton are you here? manager’s looking for you,” you arent able to distingust the voice but anton can, it was eunseok, one of his hyungs he goes to the gym with.
anton likes the sense of thrill that comes from the situation happening right now, he puts you on a shelf and smirks, hoping you get the message with whats going to happen.
he turns on the shower to cause some noise in the bathroom before starting to thrust into you again, softer this time but more calculated to a reaction from you. and it definitely did. you closed your eyes, trying to focus on the sensation. you opened your mouth to make a noise but anton covered it with his hand, “can’t have the other person know what’s happening can we?” he whispers playfully. he liked seeing you like this, recuded to a mes because of him, yet not able to express it.
“yeah eunseok, i’m just showering,” he replied, sounding normal. in reality he looked as rough and sweatt as ever.
“well, hurry up, you have an early schedule today” eunseok reminded before the same chime played, indicating he left.
anton finally lets go of your mouth, letting your whimpers and moans out only to be silenced again by his mouth meeting yours.
“god damn, just hearing you makes me wanna cum,” anton groans, head tilting back.
“y-you should…” you manage to get out between the noises he makes you make.
just by hearing that anton’s pace quickens, “fuck, you asked for it,” he says, riding his climax out, letting his fluids leak into you. he knows you’re close but haven’t came yet so he tries to put all his attention to you.
anton keeps his semi hard cock in you, slow pace just to let you enjoy, practiaclly for cockwarming. he knows you can’t cum with just him moving slowly so he grasps your shaft and starts stroking it while also putting attention to your nipples with his mouth.
anton takes his mouth off for a moment “you like that? my cock in you while you’re a moaning mess?” anton teases,
if your were moaning before, you’re fucking crying from pleasure now. it was so much happening and anton knew what he was doing to you.
he takes your hand and places it in his own pecs and lets your feel him out. as you feel everything happen all at the same time it’s only inevitable that you would reach your climax.
“toni..!” you moan the other man’s name loudly, “i-i’m gonna cum!” you scream.
you feel a large sense of euphoria while white stings of cum come out of your cock, landing on anton’s and your chest and abs. anton finally takes out his cock from your ass.
“f-fuck,” you say, recovering from the high dooamine sensation.
“let’s get you cleaned up,” he says as you both clean up from the sensual encounter you guys had. anton lets you shower but he doesn’t because he’s in a hurry as eubseok was waiting for him.
you guys both leave the locker room and you finally get to see the face of the mysterious voice. you bow to eunseok before saying bye to anton.
“why are your workout clothes on the bench?” eunseok questions while they both exit.
“oh erm,” anton stutters, trying to come up with an excuse, “i was just really sweaty,” he replies, obviously lying
“and why is your hair dry? i thought you just showered?” eunseok questioned further,
and just like that, anton knew he was fucked.
#kaiyunsim#rii7e#riize x y/n#riize x gn reader#riize x you#riize x male reader#riize imagines#riize x reader#riize anton#riize#riize is 7#riize seunghan#smut#kpop smut#riize smut#anton#lee anton x male reader#lee anton x reader#lee anton#lee anton smut#anton smut#male reader smut
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something ive noticed in my transition - women just do not treat me the same. its weird /: it felt like one day i was the butch everyone hid behind & felt safe with, and the next i was scaring ladies by just like existing
idk it just hits me really fuckin hard every now and again yk? like tn for example. i work at a restaurant, we close at 11pm, i typically take the last bus of the night home. tonight there was this woman (20s? 30s?), real pretty, real white, and obvs new to town. anyway, she got on at the same stop i did, and she got off at the same one i did (i live in company housing, and most all of us have 2nd jobs so its quite routine to see another [redacted] employee on the city bus to/from work #2). now its a mile long walk right on the edge of the creepy ass woods, in the pitch black, to the company apt complex. and i was walking behind her the whole way 😐 she got so freaked out y'all! mace open n ready, keys in the fingers, pretending to be on the phone, etc. and im jus over here takin my sweet ass time walkin so i can star gaze. i felt bad for her feeling scared, so idk i just made noise and turned my flashlight on and tried to let her get as far ahead of me as possible. mostly cuz i was Not about to have her call the fuckin c*ps on me, an entire ass queer brown man, for daring to walk home in the dark behind her. BITCH WE GOT BEARS OUT HERE like if ur so "scared" of me wtf u gon do when u come face to face wit them? die??
sorry that was all over the place im just. so tired!!!! of cis women & white people being "scared" of me because of who i am and what i look like (ive been told i look like an ndn chulo 🤔 sorta danny trejo mixed wit rez kid, but fagged up real good). i miss the "innate" kinship, the "i do not know you but that person is being creepy af so ig we've been besties since grade school" or "hi, ik im walking so close behind u but its cuz ur bleeding. heres a tampon hun" or "were bonding over having a very similar experience within this society" kinda thing yk?
of course, i still have that with [most] other queers it just, hurts ig. to have my "role" flipped so suddenly. i *like* being someone ppl flock to for safety. i *enjoy* protecting others and providing comfort. i *want* randoms to feel comfortable enough with me to ask for help if they need it. idk 😐 hard bein 🫳🏽 and a 2Spirit fagdyke
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idk like, I think people should have the right and the space to complain about new canon fandom stuff if they want, I know how annoying it is when you wanna kvetch about something and then there's a toxically positive person trying to shame you for it, and I know there's probably always going to be stuff worth complaining about in any new thing, but that said I'm personally at a point where I really want to try to enjoy things for what they are, you know? There's so much conflict and horror in everyday modern life, plenty of things IRL to be upset about, and so I'm personally losing the willingness to be as critical as possible out the gate for things that are meant to bring enjoyment and escapism (video games, tv shows, movies, books, graphic novels, etc). I think a lot of it stems from personal disappointment when a new addition of a source material doesn't reflect every story note or have all the lore consistency or whatever it is that the person in question thinks it should, and honestly sometimes those errors are just so glaring it genuinely ruins the whole thing. BUT sometimes I think we get so wrapped up in what we think a thing 'should' be in our own minds that what seems like a genuine issue is actually just a personal bias that has become so strong it's getting in the way of any potential for enjoyment. That's the sort of thing I've been working with myself on, just remembering that the people who made a thing might have had different goals in doing so than I would have, and that doesn't have to make a thing inherently bad or worthy of reproach. It's also one of the reasons fandom exists, so we can explore those unanswered questions of 'what if this happened instead' and I think there's potential for that to coexist with enjoyment of the thing for what it is. Idk I'm not trying to tell anyone what to do, just sort of thinking out loud, but I will say it's been a much happier existence to try to enjoy canon source material for what it is, but also take it with a grain of salt to some extent because I can literally make up whatever I want to in my head and/or in fanworks to supplement and that's really not a bad thing!! Fandoms thrive on ambiguity and space to fill in the blanks, and not so much when we get everything we want (because then, what's left for us to create?). I mean, this is coming from someone who's made elaborate headcanons, fanfics and fanart about how my main characters romanced canonically unromanceable characters in two different video games, so I know I'm weird, but I also know I'm not alone, because there are many other talented creatives who've gone out on such limbs in fandom works before (I follow several of them and you know who you are!!). There's nothing wrong with just trying to enjoy something for what it is, and nothing wrong with taking those pieces and making it your own.
#personal#this is just random thoughts idk#stuff ive been ruminating on for awhile now#partially inspired by some critical takes of the new DA game i saw inadvertently lol#ive been trying to avoid those bc while i support their right to criticize it's just a bit of a vibe killer for me atp lol#part of me: i don't agree but you're valid#another part of me: WHY IF YOU JUST TRIED TO ACCEPT AND ENJOY IT FOR WHAT IT IS?? WHAT THEN??#but i don't want to say it like that lol#also inspired by critical takes on other things that have recently come out#idk i don't want to be the toxically positive person people should be allowed to criticize#but i also wonder if some people might benefit from favoring wonder over skepticism from time to time#bc sometimes it feels like a thing gets released and suddenly there are criticizers picking it over like vultures#before it even has time to breathe and settle before anyone even has time to think about it#idk personally im just getting kinda tired of that
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killer being like "yeah i know every single little thing about horror and dust" (because he watches them as a part time hobby (freak) (find something better to do)) and then he acts surprised when they do something that he wouldnt expect them to do in his little predetermined absolutely perfect concept of them
like what do you MEAN horror licks spoons clean when he's using them so he doesn't have to get a completely different one for the main course and the dessert. what do you MEAN dust has a lisp even though he speaks fluently and uses even more complex words than killer himself. horror knows how to sew and he often patches up their things without either of them noticing?? dust always wears oversized and clothes that cover him up just because he finds it comfy?? what??? out ra geous???? these guys have small little quirks to them that killer doesn't already know about???? killer immediately wants to know more. so he can expand his internal profile of them of course. not for any other more endearing and sweet reason. not at all,,,,,,,, (:3)
#AASHSHAHHHHH this one is so cute....... this thought. thank you brain for making this thought#it's like killer's experiencing sonder (except he's not aware of his own complexity of life because of his own derealization/personalizatio#actually i dont think this deserves to be a side blog post. this is too damn CUTE#at first the 2 were probably weirded out by killer watching them and now they probably dgaf...... killer comments less than youd expect#but now theyre used to his shit so they do all these tiny things that killer gets to pick up on and learn more about them#its so interesting...... killer can do as much reasoning as he can to try and find a logical reason for why they do these little things#but in the end if the real reason is just because they wanted to or they felt like it then how can killer comprehend that?#how can they just do that so easily and choose to do things based off a whim instead of having a calculated precise reason for personal gai#he wouldnt realize it on his own but noticing those little things coming fron horror and dust who used to be like him could help with the#everything is just a game and i am simply an avatar and the ultimate goal is the win aka be the most powerful#for dust and horror theyve already turned their consoles off. theyre out of their games theyve finished. their goal was just to beat it#(like if horrortale finally got the good ending it deserves because of aliza horror would have finished#if dust beat the player and due to extreme boredom (ITS GOTTA BE EXTREME EXTREME) decides to leave to explore the multiverse)#in killer's eyes theyve achieved their goals. but killer's still playing his game. maybe he IS the game. but eitherway he's not done#like they r. so taking into consideration how other versions of himself act when theyre finished with the game could he act like that 2??#did HE also finish his game and he never realized it? should he be basing these ideas off dust and horror when theyre kinda not the same gu#killer would find so many hoops to jump through to justify getting rid of the everything is a competitive game idea but there would be smth#IDK im just rambling. i gawt this idea from me imagining them fight. ya you wouldnt believe this sweet thing came from trio abuse :3#killer psychoanalyzing dust and horror is one of my favorite things eva. horror would HATE IT (if he were aware#and dust would totally be freaked out and keep to himself incase killer's planning anything against him#but uaaaghhh pretend this isnt canon this is triglycercule's ideal little world where they explore the mv and have fun#killer watching dust and horror sleep because he doesnt feel tired while theyre all in bed#and he's just picking up on how theyre positioned. how they breathe. the little things.......... djdjshahahaaahsushdjwbdsn ssosooooo cuuut#tricule hc#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#dare i say mtt poly. ok i dare say it. but like lowkey he'd do this whether theyre together or not...... killers just weird like that......
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They're soulmates in every single universe and I miss them at the most random times.
#my characters#haha funny thing is that venus doesnt even exist in base plot she is ONLY for AUs#in base plot ego the ginger guy is a prince and serenity the navy haired guy is an energy alien#and serenity takes on the form of a human to be fake engaged to ego and its never meant to actually end up with them married#but serenity falls in love with the prince and feels immense guilt when they meet up#and then ego is like HAHA YEAH my life is the greatest cause i get to marry my best friend but technically youre best friend by default#since i have zero other friends because i cannot leave the castle which kinda sucks but whatever#and serenity can give his life force to others to keep them healthy and usually stops by to heal egos younger brother#so he looks tired a lot bc he is depleting his own life to help others#and and in au versions hes just chronically tired and very much in love with ego who is completely oblivious#and half the time they (bc theyre mine) are pining mutually thinking ahaha theres no WAY hed like me#or in egos case a lot of the time in the au its what if he only likes me cause i spoil him rotten bc im super wealthy and i love gifting#and serenity ! in base plot since he is an alien from like... space.... basically... another realm#he resides with another royal family in a different kingdom and the king there treats him like a son#which plays into the au versions where serenity is adopted and he just really loves his dad a lot#like really admires the man who adopted him and raised him as a single father who almost always has a connection to egos dad since#in base theyre just two kings being buddies and trying to get good relations between their kingdoms#but anyway ego is one of the few ocs i have that will actively say#I LOVE YOU SO MUCH : D very openly and i love that for him??#not a lot of my ocs will be that open about their feelings but ego is very good at communication and talking and stuff#compared to serenity who is an alien who doesnt even have to talk where he originated bc the aliens are just blue energy blobs#and they sense each other and communicate silently#so making him take a human form is like MMMM not sure how to interact like a normal human tbh#i owe art to one person then i am able to get back to indulgent stuff for me and reqs and stuff#this was just so i had something to post today since idk if the art i owe someone will be cool to post or not
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i got stuff from the csp asset store and i wanted to play with it so this is a mess but i did have fun and i kinda dig the vibes
#andreil#aftg#the foxhole court#all for the game#i just thought the lil computer window borders were so cute#also okay listen my vision:#lmao i just wrote college au and completely forgot the canon story is in college pls#but like alt where neil does the photos bc he gets a camera#art majors????#idk what's going on my vision is gone i am blind now#it was like a we pass each other on campus and a double take with warning signs is happening#i just thought the warning signs looked kinda cool#i also wanted the wavey thing to be a heartbeat w a skippy in it but i didnt know how to make it look nice it wasn't cooperating#and honestly i was getting tired of trying to figure out what should go in the space#i am not an aesthetic person idk how people do the fancy lil edits all the time#i draw i dont do graphic design i dont have the frog within necessary#myart#anyway im running away now bc idk how i feel about this bye
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I think people should be allowed to share their distaste for certain headcanons n such without people making posts about how they’re ‘gatekeeping’. for as much as I’m a ‘do what you want’ kinda dude, I do think that includes allowing people to express why they don’t enjoy something. like most people are pretty civil bout it until you antagonize them by pointing and saying they’re ‘policing’ spaces.
#crow thoughts#sorry fandom stuff is like. kinda stressing me out a bit#and it’s kinda making me nervous to post opinions on things.#additionally I think people need to hear out minorities when it comes to things and not antagonize them#additionally if they aren’t going up to people and saying rude shit or actively posting rude shit in the tags#what does it matter if they don’t enjoy your headcanon?#like I’ve already seen four different posts all talking about fandom negativity and it’s like. just block them.#additionally maybe also don’t put those posts in the main tags? especially if the other person just posted it to their blog :-|#im not explaining this correctly. I just don’t have good experience with people who point and claim negativity#especially in the context of actual criticism about character design preferences and the treatment of certain designs#like you cannot deny that people treat fat designs very differently from skinny designs#ur not a bad dude for having a skinny design but you gotta allow people to discuss and critique things#idk I’m just tired as fuck seeing people in the main tags make longass posts about an opinion from a handful of people-#-who only posted it to their blog and not directly in the tags yknow?#if I get too anxious I’ll delete this but for now I’ll post this
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Ughhh I keep remembering the fucked up dream I had that hurt my feelings the other night...
#dream about person i like that i gave up on because they got with someone else#just straight up looking me in the eyes and telling me how they knew i liked them#and they liked me but only when i was younger and prettier and more useful#and how they loat attraction to me and im never going to be good enough for anyone#they would never say thsi irl#but it hit me so personally in my dream#idk why my mind came after my insecurities so hard#but idk#feelimg a bit bummed this week#kinda feelin and thinkin#idk#maybe i give up#im tired of getting my feefees hurt#because the only ppl i like are great and make amazing frieultibut ultimately end up in fufilling great relationships with other ppl#i hardly catch feelimgs for ppl anyore at this point#i dont think i could ever be my person with anyone else#and when i do make that bond#it doesnt work out because its just me getting stupid infatuated#i give up#blah blah blah your only 25 and ppl will want you blah blah blah#no they dont#they wont#i give up!!#im tired+!#its not worth it iv accept that its not gonna happen for me#and im too shy to do anything casual either#so im just gonna be on my own and be miserable#its fine#im too needy and i need to work on it#i need to need and want ppl less
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Somtimes I rlly don't like men :'(
#I just get so tired somtimes#like im just a nice person ok#we have a fun dynamic and its all silly and games#but then i have to hear from a mutual friend that maybeeeee he likes me#i hate this#idk what to do#i wan having fun but now its gonna be wierd#were fucking gaming buddies#we live on opposite sides of the country#leave me aloneee#guys i need a bf simply so i can deter the guys#im taking bf aplocations actually#so i can just say i have a bf#i dont want to make the group awkward over this#i was his sisters friend first and im going to pick her friendship anyday over his#like can we not just have fun#it doesnt help that our mutual was kinda egging it along and always bringing stuff up abt who were dating ect ect#i kinda wanted to strangle her#ug im just so frustrated#like its rlly not his fault#and i know it litteraly can not be that deep so i wish everyone would drop it beofore it gets wierd#im never talking to guys again#they scare me bcs of this#anyway if u made it down here love u lots#idc what flirting is and maybe thats the problem#idk*
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#(( ooc. ))#.... so#if youre wondering why ive been so absent lately. ots bc im dealing with stuff like that. on top of handling everytuing around the house#and additional super stressful family drama#health scares caused by stress#the works. i feel like im a constant state of mindfuckery and i have been since we moved#thoght things would improve after getting away from MIL but apparently not#ive been so exhausted and stressed and pain has bee. spiking so bad#im really trying to be here bc writing has always been a calming thing for me like a fun distracting hobby#to get my mind off irl things but everytime i open up a reply i start crying#bc the words arent there and im too tired to even tupe bc im running myself ragged#and on top of that im dealing with hubby and whatever the f is up with him and the weird#180s he does where 1 second hes the sweetest most attentive guy ive ever known and the 2nd#im crying and apologizing for doing sometjing weong and i dont even inderstand what i did but hes upset at me#and somethings suddenly my fault#or im begging him for help around the apartment or smth#idk. i am really trying to be here i swear i am. i miss you all. i miss the stories we're writing together#i miss by bbys and wanna weite with them bc theyve been loud and active but i iust cant type what i want to#a single paragraph is taking me hours to get out no joke#idk. sprry for dumping all this on the dash out of nowhere im just kinda flailing right now and offkilter#gonna head off to bed and see if an actual good nights sleep for the first time in a week helps with my brain and makes things make sense#hope you all have a goodnight. sorry again for this#negative tw#negativity tw#venting tw#personal tw
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🤧🐀🌧️🌊
#need to clear my head;#im in such a bad mood. my face is in a perpetual angry state. im just so so bitter nd pessimistic rn#trying not to get stuck in negative chaos thought spirals nd to just take it as it come#nd be patient bc recovery takes time i know. but i havent been able to feel healthy or functional for 7 months nd i am so tired#i cant help but worry abt my health nd what kinda diet i can have nd how to work all of that out.#like the removal of the gallbladder dont ensure a good digestive system. they remove it bc it can irrepairably hurt u#also im so so stressed out abt school nd my courses. i already had to drop one last week. nd it isnt looking like i'll be able to pass my#eng class.. it just isnt looking like it's realistic at all :/ i personally dont mind if i fail. but i can get issues w my wellfare hmm#bc like im still feeling rough nd u only get sick leave for one week after surgery.. so i have to go on thursday nd friday but im gnna#be in pain plus be so hungry nd be unable to concentrate idk#idk idk!! im already willing to take out loans to finish my upper secondary school.. but i have to make it work w timing nd stuff so im not#sitting here unable to pay rent or the bills or food lmao. so idk have to fix it somehow#nd the pressure of this country rapidly declining state is stressing me tf out!! having nazi conservative rightists in the ruling is just#dreadful!!!! for many reasons but atm idek if i can do distance classes like i wanted to ://#i just.. wanna be able to go for my long walks. go to the gym. eat normally. have coffee. study nd finish highschool.#then apply for whatever program i can nd move to another calmer city. prob eventually find a path to move to another country. like norway..#im thinking too much but my thoughts are spinning nd killing me like i cant stop it im so scared nd anxious lmao 💀#im also trying to be brave and write to the psych clinic for personality disorders nd be upset nd 'beg' them for help ksksksks.#but like... the thing abt having avpd is that i kinda dont wanna bc im scared of the possibility of them helping me lol#im just in a low place nd bad headspace and it's just getring worse nd im getting more nd more tired#i dont have much more energy to keep it together nd pretend like im ok or like i have hope lmaoooo idk what to do#anyway... idk idk guess i just gotta .. keep crawling forward anyway i can
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i don’t think i can ever be really close to anyone
#im so#ugh i cant stand myself#i think im way too attached to my family and i cant imagine ever getting that close to someone else#i just feel weird around people and i wish i didnt#and im not very aocial and i know that my friends hate it#and maybe its partly because im a twin and im not used to being without her#and now we’re growing up and i’m not with her as much because she’s like idk being normal and doing stuff and im not#i just feel like i cant be alone because i cant do anything#but i want to be alone so i can do stuff without having other people around becuse i liek beign alone and i get tired of people no matter#i cant even write what i feel cuz i dont know#and maybe its just late and i haould be asleep cuz im tired all the time but im alone so i can do stuff but also im alone:/#other people are different than me in a way i don’t understand and idk why but i cant bond with people frfr#and im a very difficult person i know that but i just wish i could get close to people in the way they seem to be with each other#but i just. dont like people#but also i love people and i hate being alone im just kinda private#i just dont get why im not like others😭#why am i different than everyone else
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I'm sad today but I can't cry for some reason so
Imma just link songs that make my brain go djis8ekeeikeke9sks so I hope imma feel better and hope you feel good too
everyone thank Imai for music that makes me feel like I am a washing machine
I love it jdiskemeokekwksmsoowowkekejejwn I love BT :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((<(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍💜💜💜❤️❤️💜❤️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍👁️👁️🤍👁️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️❤️☹️❤️❤️🥹🤍💙🥹💙💙🤍💙💙🤍
some other stuff that make me go nrenejnenene actually idk what that last song is i found it in spotify and it kind of kills ms for some reason but like in a what the hell way. like its kinda good but its not idk its good
uwuwhejwjejwjwjei3iej3jj2jwjejjejejejejejejejeijekke like seriously what do you do when you feel frustrated but cant seem to let it out. imsmsmsmksmekskekejejekejejejejejejejejejjeieieiejjeoeiejejiwiwjwheje i feel so helpless omg.
usually j private these posts but idk maybe it will help me fele better if i post thid but also what tje fuck am i doing and what the fuxk is wrong with me
Sorry please dont care about this
i just idk who to talk to and i cant even explain anything i feel even if somebody listens so imma just scream into the void today
but please dont feel sorry and dont care jm just gonna have my period or some shit but i feel sad andd d notjing takeeess it awas todayysyyyyyyyyyyyy
dmdkdkdkkeororo4o4p4p3oo3o3keo4o4oo3o3o3o3o3oo3o3o3o3oo3o4o4o4orkkrorororkrkrkkrororo4kroro4k3ii3oroeo4oeoeori94949499494o394o4o39299393oei3i3ieiei3i
i want to boop a snooott :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
please boop my snoot :((((((((
im not drunk im just clinically insane
i just want to feel reckless once and act on impulse so imma just Post this
#sorry im just lonely and wanna let it out i#miss my mom and#i miss sushi#and i miss a lot of ppl actually and#i miss being happy but i cant even#remember#how that feels#i feel like im getting there#but some days i feel so paralyzed like#theres nothing for me here left#but i will continue but im#sad today#thats all#i wannango home#but idk where that is#i feel soo suffocated whs the fuck cant i cry#I#want to have friends#iam tired of being so lonels#i want someone to hug me im so#so#so lonels#i want to hug my mom#huabaha actually now im kinda crying this is working#AhshshsjjsjJa i want to scereeeam but its 1 am#I wish i wouldnt have to muffle all ms sorrow into my pillow i#i want to be a person i#am sick of just lurking around and#making everyone forget me#and i want someone to remember me and thats 30 tags so thats all i want today i guess
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"First gay experience", "first gay date", "first gay sex"
#hatter blathers#gif#LIKE CANT SOMEONE JUST HAVE AN EXPERIENCE THAT HAPPENED TO BE GAY#AND IM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE ACTING LIKE YOURE ONLY GAY/QUEER IF YOU HAVE/HAD ROMANTIC/SEXUAL EXPERIENCEZ#OR TREATING THEM AS SOMETHING SOOOOO INHERENTLY DIFFERENT FROM STRAIGHT DATES#like im sorry im so pissed about it but it feels so alienating from everyone in the community where all they talk about is sex and dates etc#like theres nothing wrong w/ that ofc but i YEARN for any queer event focused on something different#like where we do something and hang out and we just happen to be queer#if someone starts dating then good for them but this isnt the main focus of this group#like this isnt a gay bookstore vs gay bar debate since my stance is that we need both#idk... im just feel disconnected from everyone as an autistic lesbian whos also probably kinda ace (havent figured it out yet)#like i already struggle with human relations and people sometimes i feel like theres nothing that interests people outside of them#and im bothered with making these gay dates or sex sooooo inherently different from “straight” ones#like i get that it can be a big deal to someone personally and thats ok more power to you#but for someone like me who was lucky to figure it out at 13 and never even considered dating a man its just.... a date#you know what i mean?#idk i know i probably sound like a jealous lonely weirdo but it is what it is#im no longer jealous about peoples relationships. not nearly as much as i used to#i have other things to do and if ill find someone then thats cool. if not then i still can do cool things and lead an impactful life#but its hard sometimes when you feel like everyone puts romantic relationships on such a pedestal#and acts like this is the only important thing in life#ehhhhh
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i love doodling swapinverse like hello drawing characters aside from the normal mtt is lowkey therapeutic 🧡🧡🧡 anyways i FINALLY FINALLY finished crash's lore!!!! and vice.SER is connected to him,,,, theyre interconnected!!! i forgot how much i liked crash's design (not the design but all the little gimmicks in the design. figuring out all the hanging ribbon bits is annoying but hey it looks good)
#outertale does not exist in swapinverse anymore. how quaint#dude thalia and melpomene are th only ones that r like. 100% good#I NEED TO MAKE MORE GOOD AND NICE CHARACTERS😭😭😭😭#mst..... recreators (qip name 4 siphon n crash?) and vice.SER........ theyre all EVIL (or have evil goals)#i WAS thinking doing something with reaper because i adore his design and aesthetic and i wanna combine it with SOMETHING idk what#anyways if core frisk error which is supposed to be vice.SER exists then should normal core frisk exist too?????#i mean i dont think that just because a core frisk role esque person exists doesnt mean the role is instantly filled up#the mst and mtt co exist in swapinverse but those 3 are like.... NORMAL aus. not outcodss n stuff#i love the giant lance thing i gave crash. i mean the ribbons can form any weapon and take any shape (kinda like puella magi mami's guns)#but like..... it just is so cool i love characters that use multiple weapons#i LOVE (haha) every single little gimmick thing i give swapinverse characters. the tiny details is what i adore giving them#if you catch me not posting 4 a bit its probably just bc im working on swapinverse or jk fashion au. or maybe ive seriously just lost motiva#anyways i have a few banger rants in my drafts ive yet to elaborate om but just like....... i dont feel like it#someon needs to wrangle those posts out of my tired lazy arms#lowkey why do siphon and crash remind me of kanade and mafuyu. idk i cant explain#if you cut vice.ser in half it would be like jelly with binary in it. i wanna eat him#he would tingle on my tongue but thats just the static. eating yhe glasses would be difficult bit they dont have lenses so its ok#i drew them both looking at us but i think that vice.ser is the only true one always looking at US.looking out from inside#god i love swapinverse sooo much i wish i could get it done faster and be goatedly good with motivation. a shame#but i do think that i may be finishing up the character descriptions 500% ish sure#SO THEN THAT MEANS I CAN WORK ON THE ACTUAL STORY!!!! WOOOOO#ive already decided that theres gonna be mentions of me myself and i in it. i love meta storytelling#im cursed with perpetually sweaty hands i hate having to draw on slighty damp paper. nobody understands me#UGH im getting too happy in life im starting to act weird in public and offering to help people. i need to stop#anyways just school doodles!!! because in the period where they take our phones i have naught to do but draw#i need to get back (start) my english reading. and then help my friend with a few questions on her homework. how joyous#and then i can get back to my BETTER homework (working on swapinverse :3)#crash managed to destroy outertale in his lore i wonder how many worlds vice.SER will destroy#actually if hes supposed to be core frisk error then i should make him NOT destroy worlds right???? right#tricule rant
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I feel like such a broken fucking person lol
I talked way too much in the tags don't read them
#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!!#been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust#i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short#i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways#i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and#i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc#we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk.#i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus#t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do#n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on#being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it#I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her#like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky#i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up#i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on#like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything#idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions#today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others#i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day#rAMbles
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